No Place For Abuse

NO PLACE

FOR ABUSE: Domestic Violence in the Church

BY CATHERINE KROEGER, AL MILES, AND ELIZABETH DERMODY LEONARD ILLUSTRATIONS BY PAUL LACHINE

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Those who have never come into contact with domestic abuse within the church will be appalled to learn not only that Christian men can abuse their wives but also that the larger community often either hides, denies, tolerates, or even justifies the abuse. But many are all too familiar with the silent suffering and spiritual destruction that this sin produces among God’s people. In an effort to better understand the realities, contributing factors, and consequences of domestic violence within the church, PRISM asked several experts to share their insights and experiences. Here they bring to light the hidden, unhealing wound of domestic abuse in Christ’s body and issue a wake-up call to the church. In Christ’s own words: “Let anyone with ears to hear listen!”

The Abused Bride of Christ

Bible one of the features most strongly emphasized for godly homes is that of safety. Believers are promised that they may dwell in safety and that their homes will be free of terror and violence.“My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places” (Isa. 32:18).

The theme is a recurrent one. Indeed, the prophet Isaiah (54:13-17) maintains that peace in the home, safety, and righteousness are the inheritance of the believer. Faithful teaching on the Christian family must include at least as much proclamation of these aspects as is accorded them in Scripture.

Lamentably this biblical emphasis has been much neglected and the very presence of abuse within the Christian family denied. Responsible research, such as that of Calvin College and of Nancy Nason-Clark, demonstrates that the prevalence is at least as high among Christians as in the general population. Because of an unwillingness to face this unpleasant truth, the problem has been denied, concealed, minimized, or ignored. Key organizations that focus on the Christian family have failed to address the issue and sometimes question the orthodoxy of those who express a concern.Yet the Bible calls upon the righteous to deliver the oppressed from the hand of the violent and declares that God is angered when no one steps up to intervene for them.

The Psalms repeatedly denounce violence, bloodshed, lying in wait, stalking, twisting a person’s words, verbal abuse, threats, and intimidation. How strange that we do not understand that these dictates apply as much to domestic abuse as they do to other sorts of violence and mistreatment.Yes, we have been blind to a problem that lies right within our own homes.

The task of the church is to be prophetic, as were the faithful messengers of God so long ago. Our mission is not only to declare God’s forgiveness but also to point to the conduct

By Catherine Kroeger

Like many an abused woman, the church is battered and bleeding from a wound that she fails to recognize. Many evangelicals cannot bear to acknowledge that spousal abuse is an enduring problem within our very walls. Both individually and as a faith community, we are ashamed and humiliated to admit the presence of such a problem. It is far easier to deny, to minimize, and to conceal.

Evangelicalism has been effective in proclaiming the redemptive and reconciling love of God to a world in desperate need. In the last half-century, it has gained in both numbers and influence throughout the globe. Believers can point to many accomplishments and ministries through which they have sought to bring glory to God and healing balm to those in need. We have recognized the need to be doers of the Word and not just hearers.

In at least one area, however, evangelicals have lagged far behind others involved in humanitarian endeavors.We have failed to address the issue of domestic abuse in any significant way. In actuality, our leaders have been caught in a dilemma that leaves them with such a high degree of discomfort that they cannot even acknowledge the problem.

Quite correctly, they maintain a high view of the Christian home and seek to build strong families.This is commendable, but it is important that a biblical perspective be offered. In the

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that requires forgiveness and transformation. Only when we identify the sin can we begin to move toward repentance and wholeness in Jesus Christ.

There are many reasons why it is imperative that evangelicals address the problem, but the first is that allowing abuse to continue harms the abuser.“You cannot strike one another with wicked fists as you do today and expect your prayers to be heard on high,” cautions Isaiah (58:4), while Peter commands husbands to live with their wives considerately,“lest your prayers be hindered” (1 Pet.3:7).Yes, allowing wrongdoing to continue violates the soul of the perpetrator.

Many abusers are frightened, insecure people who need the voice of the church in guidance, counsel, and redirection.

The Scriptures tell us that the evil executed by the violent person “recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head” (Ps. 7:16). But that abuse also comes back upon all who are in the body of Christ.

When we choose to ignore the affliction of women and children within our midst, all of us are tainted (1 Cor. 5:6-8). We are inseparably bound to one another, and when one suffers, we all suffer (1 Cor. 12:26).

When the sin of one is countenanced, all are affected.

The New Testament twice excludes batterers from holding church office (1 Tim. 3:3; Titus 1:7). In dealing with a domestic problem in Corinth, Paul holds the entire congregation accountable (1 Cor. 5:2-5).

He identifies a wrongdoer who must be reproved and held accountable by the church. He may be mentored, monitored, and ministered to—but not accepted as though nothing were wrong. Paul’s objective in this is so that ultimately the offender may be reclaimed. All too often in the modern church, no one dares to approach the perpetrator, while the victim is showered with all kinds of advice and reproof.

Modern-day offenders may be helped to find counseling, accountability groups, batterers’ groups, or a mentor.There is a need for prayer both with and for them. Couples counseling is usually unwise, but a group approach is often effective. A study of 1,000 case files from a Christian batterer-intervention group revealed that offenders referred to the program by the

pastor had a success rate nearly 30 percent higher than those who were court-referred.Those who are jailed for their offenses should receive ongoing concern and visitation from the church. Our desire is that they may be made whole by the power of Christ.The involvement of the faith community is desperately important.

Although the majority of Christian women will seek help in the first place from their pastor, many do not find the support that they need. Often they do not find a listening ear, nor are they believed when they start to disclose even a small part of their distress. Some victims are sent back home to dangerous situations, and many are not given food, shelter, or a caring environment. Many are told to pray harder, to be more submissive, or to be better wives. Some are even counseled that they will win their husbands’ salvation by their own patient endurance of abuse. Our holding the victim rather than the per petrator responsible may be far harder to bear than her original plight.

For this reason those in deepest need often find themselves alienated from the church.

Most of these women are not seeking a dissolution of their marriage but rather a means of stopping the abuse. To save themselves and their children, they will turn to other resources, often to those bitterly disenchanted by the church’s lack of concern. Tragically, it has sometimes been those most remote from the church who have been the most willing to provide safety and shelter, support and services, resources and rescue.

Due to our lack of preparedness, we may often need to avail ourselves of community resources in order to keep women and children safe. One pastor observed, “Better a community shelter than a Christian funeral.” Most community shelters offer training programs for volunteers, and there church members can learn how to deal effectively with those in crisis, how to get a victim to safety, how to utilize available resources, how to fill out a restraining order, and how to offer constructive support.

As we encounter those who come in distress, let us bear in mind that they must be believed. Because of the intense shame felt at making such a disclosure, false allegations are very rare.

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It is best to err on the side of safety. On the other hand, church folks are often moved too speedily by expressions of remorse and repentance on the part of the perpetrator.

We are fully convinced of God’s power to transform sinful human beings, but we must understand that the offender frequently reverts to the same conduct once the victim is back under his roof. We should be looking for a period of repentance and a demonstrable change in behavior.

Neither should instantaneous forgiveness be demanded on the part of the victim.This can tear open wounds that need adequate time to heal. As one woman living in a Christian community complained,“He broke my arm, and then I had to get right back in the same bed with him.” Forgiveness is the work of the Holy Spirit and cannot be pressured or scheduled. One might well reflect upon the story of Joseph, who tested his brothers carefully before effecting a reconciliation that saved the lives of the whole family, or the story of the Apostle Paul, who was kept at arm’s length by the believers in Jerusalem until he had proved his repentance again and again.

Our task is to bring wholeness and safety to hurting families but not simply to make our church “look good.”

We need rather to look long and hard at both the problem and the potential for healing. Disgrace is brought upon the name of Christ not because the victim discloses the abuse but because we fail to intervene with God’s healing power.

Sociologists tell us that abuse occurs within about 25 percent of our church families.We have failed where we were need-

ed most.The church, too, has been victimized by our refusal to recognize the evil and to respond, but the path to new beginnings is open before the people of God. ■ Catherine Kroeger is adjunct associate professor at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. She co-authored No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence (with Nancy Nason-Clark; Intervarsity Press, 2001) and edited, along with James R. Beck, Healing the Hurting: Giving Hope and Help to Abused Women (1998) and Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or to Heal (1996), both published by Baker Book House.

Domestic-Violence Intervention and Prevention: A Challenge for Male Christians

By Al Miles “What about all the men?” Like clockwork, this question is posed by Christian male attendees at nearly every domesticviolence awareness conference at which I speak throughout the United States. Men of God are living in utter hell, we are told, and their pain is caused by “inappropriate behavior on the part of Christian women.”

National statistics do indicate that some men are being victimized by their female intimate partners. And violence, whether perpetrated by females or males, is always inexcusable.

But here’s my challenge to Christian males: Focus your attention and energy on the preponderance of abuse and violence that men and boys perpetrate against women, children, and each other.

While a small percentage of men are violated in both heterosexual and homosexual intimate partnerships, the American Medical Association estimates that 2 million women in this country are assaulted by an intimate partner every year.The actual numbers are probably much higher, because victims often do not report attacks, fearing both the stigma associated with abuse and the threat of reprisal from their perpetrators.

Domestic violence is the number-one public health problem for women in the United States. According to the

“Sociologist Dr. Nancy Nason-Clark has conducted extensive research in Canada to understand the role of evangelical churches in responding to abuse victims.

She writes:‘We were impressed by the sincerity with which most pastors acknowledged their limitations in this area of counseling and by their desire to become more effective. Interestingly, the pastors with the most experience and training [in domestic violence] were the most likely to suggest alternative or additional sources of help [to that of the church].’”

Cited in N. Nason-Clark, L.P. Mitchell, and L.G. Beaman “Building Bridges Between Churches and Community Resources,” in Understanding Abuse: Partnering for Change, edited by M.L. Stirling, C. A. Cameron, N. Nason-Clark, and B. Miedema (University of Toronto Press, 2004)

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United States surgeon general, domestic violence is the greatest single cause of injury among American women, accounting for more emergency-room visits than traffic accidents, muggings, and rape combined.

What’s more, abused church-going wives are likely to be told by clergy and congregation members to stay with, pray for, and obey the very spouses who are violating them.

If they follow this alleged “divine” counsel, the women are told, God will be pleased and everything will be okay.

In reality, this type of advice is not only inappropriate but dangerous.As a result, women of faith have continued to suffer at the hands of their self-proclaimed “men of God,” a suffering that is further exacerbated by the sense of isolation from the Body of Christ that they experience.Tragically, some of these women have even been murdered.

When male Christians spend too much time discussing “all the men” who are supposedly abused by wives and girlfriends, we remove ourselves from being helpful in any way to the scores of victimized women living within our communities and worshiping among us. I contend that we use the alleged female-perpetrated violence as a diversion, to take the focus off the fact that we are not addressing the welldocumented cases of men’s abuse of women and children.

This point is vividly illustrated by an encounter I once had with 32 male evangelical pastors. The men, along with nine of their female colleagues, had invited me to lead a three-day seminar on domestic-violence awareness at a retreat center.

“Women never cause the abuse and violence that men perpetrate against them,” I announced at the beginning of one session, which focused on holding Christian men accountable for their abuse of women.

“According to research by Canadian sociologist Nancy Nason-Clark, evangelical pastors perceive violence rates among married couples in their current congregation to be 19 percent, just under one in five.”

Cited in No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, by Catherine Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark (IVP, 2001).

But many of the male pastors in the room balked at the statement. They insisted that women who are abused and battered emotionally, physically, psychologically, sexually, and spiritually had to have done something to cause their husbands or boyfriends to attack them.

One pastor, whom we’ll call Ralph, was especially hostile in his response. “Women have razor-sharp tongues which castrate and tear down men emotionally,” he protested.

“Women also deplete men’s God-given authority with their constant nagging and disobedience.And women fail to carry out their duty to provide for their husbands’ sexual needs.”

I was struck both by Ralph’s blatant misogyny and the fact that none of his male colleagues rebuked him for his bigoted attitude.They all sat in silence.

At the conclusion of the session, I confronted Ralph. I told him I was deeply offended by his stark disrespect and hatred of women. I expressed further concern for all females in his congregation, due to his lack of understanding regarding the dynamics associated with domestic violence.

Since he seemed so troubled by all the abuse women were perpetrating against men, I asked Ralph to tell me how he was caring for the spiritual and emotional needs of these battered males. But the pastor could not name a single action step he was following. (I’ve met with this same lack of response each time I’ve asked Christian male leaders and laity to provide details of the care they provide to “all the men” they claim are abused by intimate female partners.)

Christian males who seek to prevent the further spread of men’s violence against women have challenges and responsibilities which reach beyond those required of other followers of Christ.

First and foremost, we must be willing to recognize situations of domestic violence as the vast majority of cases are: crimes men perpetrate against women.

Second, we must make the safety of abused women and their children a top priority. There are still far too many

“To me the most shocking information that I’ve found in my research is the apathy of many evangelical Christians and their leaders to the pain and despair suffered by victims of abuse, and the desire to sweep the problem under the proverbial church carpet.The church has a tremendous potential to be a healing agent, the Balm of Gilead, to ease the wounds of the past and to offer hope. Christian people need to be challenged and offered tools that would assist them in their response to victims of abuse. I am optimistic that with increased awareness Christians will act to condemn abuse and to offer support to its victims and their families.”

—Nancy Nason-Clark

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male Christian clergy and parishioners who view the sanctity of the marriage covenant as more sacred than the safety of women and children. This is clearly seen in the often recited phrase, “A marriage and family must be saved at all costs.” But there are times when physical separation is absolutely necessary if the well-being of spouses and children is to be maintained.

Third, if we are to partner effectively with the hosts of other women and men who have already committed themselves to working towards ending men’s violence against women, Christian men need to examine their own actions, assumptions, and attitudes toward women. This step is essential—and one that most male Christians have a difficult time taking.

Having been indoctrinated (often from infancy) by church, family, and society to adhere to patriarchal principles, many Christian men enter adulthood with an inordinate cadre of undue rights and privileges.We also bring with us the stench of sexist teachings that have been programmed deep inside.

Ultimately, this false indoctrination works against us men.

We may not be perpetrators of any overt acts of violence against women. In fact, we might even label the emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual tactics of terrorism other males use to control women as criminal and immoral.

However, when we are willing to hold up a mirror in front of ourselves and study carefully our own heart and soul, most Christian men soon discover that we, too, harbor some of the same bigoted beliefs to which many abusive Christian men subscribe. For example, a number of non-abusive Christian men still believe that males, simply because of gender, have “God-given” authority over their wives, girlfriends, and all other females. In order for Christian men to join the work of violence prevention, we have to be willing to seek proper help in changing any beliefs we were taught that devalue or rob females of the equality to which all humans are intrinsically entitled.

Fourth, after working on our own sexist attitudes and behavior, it is essential that Christian men speak out at every level—both inside and outside the church—against patriarchal beliefs, teachings, and traditions which help male perpetrators feel justified in their abuse of women. These have degraded women (and elevated men) since the beginning of recorded history. Although in reality this is a task for the entire church, Christian men have a special responsibility to confront this issue because it is rooted in patriarchal practices.

Christian men cannot be allies of justice if we continue to support male hierarchical doctrine and practices. For example, a careful reading of Ephesians 5:21-33 shows that the writer of these verses is calling not for male dominance and female subjugation in marriage but for a bond characterized by mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual responsibility.The concept of male headship and female submission sets up an imbalance of power in a marriage or other intimate partnerships, making it much easier for men to abuse women and then to claim divine privilege.

Also, Christian men need to adopt the use of inclusive versions of the Bible.The more we espouse egalitarian constructs, the better chance we have truly to live out the ideal of equality and mutuality between women and men.

Last, Christian males cannot be reliable allies in the struggle to prevent or intervene in acts of violence men perpetrate against women if we continue to follow the path most men of faith have historically walked: namely, to excuse, ignore, and offer justifications for the criminal and sinful behavior of Christian male batterers.

When we pledge allegiance to an abuser (which Christian men unwittingly do when we either remain silent after becoming aware of a perpetrator’s criminal activity against his wife or girlfriend or offer excuses and justifications for him), we render ourselves unworthy of trust. Our acts of collusion disqualify us from being considered as partners with those women and men who have made the commitment

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churches, thinking that was the only way to save themselves and their children?

When the levels of violence and control have gone beyond endurance; when attempts to end the relationship have resulted in stalking, forced return, death threats, and nearlethal assaults; when family, church, and/or the law have failed to help:Then a woman may believe her death is certain.

In such cases homicide may be the culmination of an escalating trajectory of violence.While men are about nine times more likely to commit murder than women, women represent about one-third of intimate-homicide offenders. Even though most women who kill their tormentors have never before been violent, they often are convicted of murder and given harsh prison sentences. In fact, life sentences are common.

Much of the explanation for these severe punishments lies in the structure of current self-defense laws, which leaves women at a systematic disadvantage.When a woman is attacked by a male intimate who chokes, smothers, or batters her

to work against all forms of male violence.

Christian males who truly desire to partner with others to help prevent—and bring an end to—men’s violence against women must demonstrate by both actions and words their willingness to do so for the rest of their lives. Without this lifetime commitment, we will be helpful neither to abused women nor to the men who violate them. ■ Rev. Al Miles serves as coordinator of hospital ministry for Pacific Health Ministry at the Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu, Hawaii.

He is the author of Domestic Violence:What Every Pastor Needs to Know (2000) and Violence in Families:What Every Christian Needs to Know (2002), both published by Augsburg Fortress Publishers. Miles is also a member of the National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women, which is co-chaired by the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services.

When No Help Arrives Among the sampled adult members of the Christian Reformed Church (CRC): 12 percent reported having experienced physical abuse or neglect 13 percent reported having experienced sexual abuse 19 percent reported having experienced emotional abuse

By Elizabeth Dermody Leonard Domestic violence is widespread in the United States, crossing all racial, ethnic, age, and religious groups. Domestic assault is the single most frequent form of violence that police encounter, more common than all other forms of violence combined. Many battered women are sexually abused, assaulted, and raped by their partners, even during pregnancy.

Women who leave violent men face significantly increased risk of being killed—up to one-half of female homicide victims are murdered by a current or former intimate.

Battering is the most frequent predecessor to intimate homicide, whether the homicide victim is male or female.

Although women are eight times more likely than men to be killed by an intimate, as Brenda Clubine (currently serving 15 years to life for the death of her husband) warns, “Any abusive relationship is potentially lethal.”

For the abused woman who belongs to the faith community, intimate violence often creates a crisis of faith.

Cheryl Sellers (sentenced to 25 years to life) sought help from her pastor as her husband’s violence became life-threatening: “I talked to one minister and I was told,‘Oh, you’re not loving him enough. Just love him a little harder.’”This response to battered women and their children leaves victims feeling that the church places a higher value on the preservation of the institution of marriage than on the well-being of women and children. Who knows how many women have left

The total abuse-prevalence rate indicates the percentage of the population that has experienced at least one of the three forms of abuse considered.

This survey found that in the CRC the total abuseprevalence rate was 28 percent, more than one of every four adults in the CRC [or 60,000 CRC members].

These rates are not extraordinary; they are comparable to typical rates found in surveys of the North American general population. … Based on the experience of other abuse researchers, we surmise that the abuse-prevalence rates of this study most likely underestimate the actual rates of abuse in the Christian Reformed Church.

Cited in Report of Synodical Committee on Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Abuse in the Christian Reformed Church, September 1991.

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with an intent to kill, her only chance to survive the deadly assault is to grab a weapon and use it. Unfortunately, selfdefense law considers her action “excessive force” since he is “unarmed.” Further, if they are married at the time of the homicide and the couple has a life-insurance policy, the wife may be accused of killing for “financial gain,” a factor that increases the severity of the sentence.

LaVelma Byrd was attracted to her husband when she met him for the first time in church. He was polite, cordial, clean cut, and he was a minister. Her first marriage had ended in divorce years earlier, but she was certain this marriage would succeed because it would be based on their shared born-again faith. She relates her experiences here: I didn’t want anyone to k n ow w h a t I wa s g o i n g through with him. The mental abuse was there all along, and then the physical abuse began.

At first it was just a push here and a shove there, but then I would get hit upside the head for no reason at all. I would get stomped. It gradually got worse and worse.

I hid it. I wore big glasses to church and would fix my hair so they couldn’t see it. I was always protecting him, not looking out for me, but protecting him. I was very submissive to him because I felt that if I did a lot, I wouldn’t cause more problems. But it didn’t help me at all. I used to use Scriptures, telling him that God said,“Love thy wife as thyself,” but it would make him very angry because it was the truth.

I prayed a lot, fasted a lot, read the Bible a lot, cried a lot.

I think that made it even worse, with him being a pastor and me going through the things that I was going through. But I was always protecting him. I didn’t call the police when he would jump on me because I felt that if I had the police in front of our house it would be the end of his ministry. My head kept telling me: “God will work it out.”

I was very confused. I called the minister that was my

husband’s mentor and told him how I had to grab a knife to keep my husband from beating me up.That was sort of my shield to keep from getting beat up real bad. I told him everything, hoping that, as his mentor, he would talk to my husband and try to bring him to his senses. Later I called him and said,“You didn’t believe me when I was telling you about the things at our house.” He said,“Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t believe you, it was just so unbelievable that he would do something like that.”

No one else knew until I tried to commit suicide.That’s when my children found out what I had been going through.

I was in a coma for about three days.The counselor asked if we were having marital problems and I said, “No.” In an effort to conform to her church’s teachings on wifely submission, Byrd refrained from speaking up for herself.

She worried for the “saints who might fall” if they learned of her husband’s violence— that they would leave the church or, even worse, think that such actions were acceptable. She took responsibility for his ministry and “tried to keep him saved.” Today, she is trusting God to get her out of prison, where she is currently serving the tenth year of a 26years-to-life sentence for stabbing her husband while he was choking her. ■ (Anyone wishing to correspond with Byrd may write to her at: LaVelma Byrd W54191, CIW/ Miller B 108L, 16756 Chino-Corona Road, Corona, CA 92880-9508. She welcomes your letters.)

Elizabeth Dermody Leonard is associate professor of sociology and co-director of the Center for Women’s Studies at Vanguard University in Costa Mesa, Calif. Specializing in the study of family violence, she has conducted extensive research with women serving prison sentences for killing their abusive partners. She is the author of Battered Women Who Kill (State University of New York Press, 2002).

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