Can This Marriage Be Saved? by Ellen Dooley
J
Jeffrey Thompson
Pornography’s toll on our most intimate relationship
im and Joan were married for 15 years, but a disturbing lack of sexual intimacy characterized 14 of those years. Joan often sat alone, crying in a darkened living room during the middle of the night, wondering what was wrong with her. Why did her husband not desire her? Most of the time Joan made the sexual advances, to which her husband responded, but he rarely initiated things. She tried sexy lingerie and he seemed to enjoy that, but not for long. She was moderately overweight, so she dieted until she fit into a single digit dress. That, too, seemed to help ... but also not for long. At Joan’s suggestion, they tried marriage counseling. They saw six counselors during those years, but no long-term solutions emerged. Jim denied any childhood sexual abuse or pornography use, and Joan believed him. However, in the final year of their marriage, she began to suspect that Jim was indeed using pornography. He had settled into a pattern of evening behavior early in their marriage. He arrived home from work, ate supper, fell asleep watching tele-
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vision, and then spent an hour or two in their home office “playing solitaire” on the computer. Joan often felt what she considered the Holy Spirit nudging her to go see what Jim was doing, but subconsciously she dreaded what she might find. When she finally gathered the strength to go upstairs, she found Jim sitting at the desk with glazed eyes, clicking through pictures of naked women in vulgar positions. Joan felt as though she had been punched in the stomach. In spite of the evidence, Jim denied using pornography, saying he “didn’t know how that got there.” He raised his voice to Joan, telling her she was crazy. Joan insisted that Jim receive sexual addiction counseling, but he came home after just a few sessions stating that he had been “discharged” because the problem had been “resolved.” He reverted back to his previous behavior after a few weeks. The porn trap In their book, The Porn Trap, renowned sex and relationship therapists Wendy and Larry Maltz write: “Most porn users we’ve counseled or spoken with are surprised at how easily porn transformed from an occasional diversion or fantasy to a habitual problem that has the potential to destroy almost every aspect of their real lives. What began as fun, escapist sexual entertainment, or a brief but thrilling visit to a taboo world, became a trap. Like quicksand, pornography sucked them in so steadily and quietly that they didn’t even notice they were sinking.”1 Avoiding pornography in postmodern society is no easy task. As the Maltzes put it, “Thirty years ago, getting your hands on pornography required time, money, and effort. Today it takes time, money, and effort to get away from porn. With unsolicited e-mails, deceptive links, and pop-up windows, porn can make its way into our lives whether we want it or not. As one man said, ‘You no longer have to go looking for porn; porn is looking for you!’”2 As Dr. Robert Palmer, professor of marriage and family therapy at Evangelical Seminary, states so poignantly (and chillingly), “Pornography stalks and hurts its prey.” Cybersex has been called the crack cocaine of sexual addictions because of the “triple-A engine” effect: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity.3 Consider this handful of telling statistics: ● Over 28,000 internet users are viewing pornography every second. The lion’s share of pornography pages (2.4 million) belong to the United States, while Germany comes in a distant second place with about 10,000 pages. ● 372 internet users are typing adult terms into search engines every second.
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PRISMmagazine.org
● A new pornographic video is created every 39 minutes by Vivid Entertainment, Hustler, Playboy, Wicked Pictures, and Red Light District.4 Addiction and marriage According to Harvey Milkman and Stanley Sunderwrith, experts in the neurochemistry of addictions, addictions can be divided into three categories: satiation, arousal, and fantasy. Those addicted to the sense of satiation, associated with the neurotransmitters gaba-amino butyric acid and endorphins, most often utilize alcohol, benzodiazepines, opiates, and food. Those addicted to feelings of arousal, linked with the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and dopamine, normally use cocaine, amphetamines, and gambling; while those addicted to fantasy, connected with the neurotransmitter serotonin, interact with psychedelic drugs, workaholism, or compulsive religious practice. What makes sexual addiction so commanding is that it can fit into any of the aforementioned categories, but overall it is primarily an arousal addiction because sexual satisfaction may take several hours to achieve.5 Moreover, according to Mark Laaser, “the human brain can be chemically hijacked by pornography [because]…”there are more nerve cells in the human brain than stars in the universe.”6 Therapist Jennifer Schneider notes, “Cybersex is to sex addiction what crack cocaine has been to cocaine addiction—easy to obtain, rapidly progressive, and traps people who did not have a significant addictive problem before they found this new source of pleasure.”7 So, what impact does pornography have on marriage? Multiple studies show the following results: ● Women and men who have discovered their spouse’s pornography addiction feel shocked, degraded, betrayed, and inferior. The Maltzes describe four distinct stages that the unsuspecting partner may cycle through repeatedly: (1) ignorance of the problem, (2) the shock of discovery, (3) emotional wounding, and (4) attempts to cope. ● The basic foundations of a healthy marriage—honesty, fidelity, affection, intimacy, respect, support, trust and love are seriously undermined. ● If the addicted partner attended church regularly, he or she may stop attending or attend more sporadically, thereby decreasing the spiritual foundation of the marriage. ● Married men viewing pornography develop a higher tolerance for abnormal sexuality and a callous disregard for women. ● Addicts develop increasing doubts about the value of marriage. ● According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 56 percent of divorces involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites. ● Not only does the addicted spouse have a sexual disinterest
Ashamed No More: A Pastor’s Journey through Sex Addiction by Thomas C. Ryan (IVPress, 2012) Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus by Russell Willingham (InterVarsity Press, 1999)
Jeffrey Thompson
Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict by Patrick Carnes. DVD available from Gentle Path Press (GentlePath.com) The Dirty Little Secret: Uncovering the Truth Behind Porn by Craig Gross (Zondervan, 2006) Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Cames (Bantam Books, 1992)
I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay & Renee Crosse with Mark Tabb (NavPress, 2005)
Be Informed!
Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel by Edward T. Welch (Presbyterian & Reformed Publishing Co, 2001)
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes (Hazeldon, 2001) The Porn Trap by Maltz, Wendy and Larry Maltz (Harper, 2010) Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples by Wendy Maltz. Videotape available from InterVisions Media (HealthySex. interVisionMedia.com) Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle by Michael John Cusick (Thomas Nelson, 2012) Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain by William Struthers (InterVarsityPress, 2009)
● According to a study by Dolf Zillman, the addicted husband displays an increased attitude of male dominance and female servitude.
● Create a porn-free environment. More precisely, clear it out and keep it out. Clearing out porn requires getting rid of any type of porn stored in the home, on cable porn channels, on the computer, at work, in the car, etc. Blocking it out necessitates the purchase of blocking software for the computer, such as the resources offered at XXXChurch.com.
● The non-addicted spouse may develop stress-related problems such as headaches, insomnia, increased emotional sensitivity, and reactivity.8
● Also beneficial is placing inspirational pictures around the computer, such as the kids, your spouse, other family members and friends.
What recovery means Not all marriages can recover from the devastation of pornography. As mentioned above, 56 percent of divorces involved one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites. For those marriages that can be saved, restoration is a long and winding road. As far as recovery plans go, the Maltzes’ multimodal approach is the gold standard and many couples have overcome the debilitating effects of pornography utilizing their treatment plan. They suggest the following steps for the addict:
● Move the computer to public space in the home, not in a den or bedroom. This removes the sense of isolation and secrecy.
in their partner, there is a marked decrease in sexual satisfaction when intercourse does occur.
● Tell someone else about your pornography problem. By talking openly and honestly with another person about your problem you automatically weaken your connection to porn because the addiction thrives in an atmosphere of isolation, secrecy, and denial. ● Get involved in a treatment program. Make good use of pornaddiction resources like 12-step meetings and sex-addiction professionals. Many people the Maltzes interviewed said ongoing treatment changed their lives in profoundly positive ways. Treatment included concrete tools for quitting, attaching themselves to positive role models who were further down the recovery road, insights into their addictive behavior, and ongoing evaluation of progress.
● Turning away from porn means having an addiction prevention plan to carry out when tempted. Remember, a commitment to breaking pornography addiction has to be renewed one day at a time. ● Establish 24-hour support and accountability. Have a samesex mentor you can call when your trigger is activated. ● Take care of your physical and emotional health. Stopping an addiction is hard work and can be quite stressful. Make sure you’re eating a balanced diet, getting sufficient exercise and rest, and spending time with supportive, encouraging friends. ● Work on restoring trust in the marital relationship—talking must be accompanied by actions. The offending partners must prove themself to be dependable and credible for as long as it takes. ● Put yourself in the offended partner’s shoes by understanding their experience and sense of betrayal. Talk openly with Continued on page 47
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Can This Marriage Be Saved? continued from page 31
unwanted pornographic email.
your spouse regarding what they have gone through because of pornography.
International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (Sexhelp.com) offers treatment options and program referrals.
● Start healing your sexuality. Realize that pornographic behavior does not work in real life intimate relationships. Learn how to have a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse. Relearn the art of touch.
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA-Recovery.org) is a 12-step program.
● Make a commitment to renew your mind through reading and memorizing Scripture. This applies to the offended partner as well. Counseling is in order not just for the addict but also for the offended partner, who must eventually move from anger to forgiveness in order to rebuild the friendship and the marriage. Marriage counseling is a must so that the couple can learn to communicate more effectively. Increasingly healthy communication will help the couple regain feelings of closeness and intimacy.9 What the church can do to help Pastors and church leaders can no longer hide their heads in the sand, pretending that a significant number of church attendees, especially males, do not have a problem with pornography. Just a quick look at the following statistics proves that people are people are people, whether or not they attend church. It must be remembered that we are fallen human beings living in a fallen world trying to squeeze us into its mold. Fifty-three percent of Promise Keeper men admitted to viewing pornography within the previous seven days, while 47 percent of Christians stated that pornography is a major problem in the home. Fifty-one percent of pastors say that internet pornography is a possible temptation for them, and 37 percent admit that it’s a current struggle.10 The church can represent Christ to those struggling with pornography, putting flesh on the gospel. Here are a few suggestions that warrant a serious look: ● Offer a support group. Good programs include Sex Addicts Anonymous (SexAA.org) and S-Anon (SAnon.org), a 12-step program for loved ones. ● Host a pornography conference at your church. Organizations to contact for presenters include BethesdaWorkshops.org, DelAmoHospital.com, and FaithfulandTrueMinistries.com. ● Refer people to solid resources. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT. org) provides help in locating a marriage and/or sexual addiction therapist. GetNetWise (GetNetWise.org) is a coalition of internet industry corporations and public interest organizations that provide information on keeping children safe online and how to block
● Purchase good resources for your church library. (See the full book/DVD list on page 26.) ● Do not shun the addict. Remember that, like you, the addict is created in the image of God. We must treat the addict with dignity and respect while not condoning their sin. (Editor’s note: the endnotes for this article have been posted at EvangelicalsforSocialAction.org/PRISM-endnotes.)
A graduate of Evangelical Seminary in Myerstown, Pa., Ellen Dooley, MDiv, is a pastor, author, and motivational speaker.
Beauty and the Beast continued from page 28
that will endanger themselves and others. It does happen, and pornography can certainly play an integral part, but the danger for the average porn consumer lies elsewhere. It lies in the way we adapt to sexual stimulation without the benefit of another person, which in turn changes the way we interact with real people sexually. It affects what is for many people the most important relationship in his or her life. This is the danger, and all those who enjoy porn with increasing regularity need to ask themselves how much real intimacy with a real person matters to them, because porn will have a detrimental effect. Even if porn does not drive a permanent wedge between two people in a loving relationship, there is no question that it will not bring them closer together. It adds nothing. Some people argue that watching porn as a couple brings a freshness to their sexual interactions. I can only speak for myself here. Looking at porn never made me love my partner more. It just made me want to watch more porn—alone. We are drawn to porn because we are drawn to sex, but sex is meant to be shared. We are relational creatures. God himself said that it is not good to be alone. We want to find flesh of our flesh and bone of our bones. We want to become one with someone else. Porn is an imposter. It distills what is meant to be an intimate relationship with another person into a solitary experience that can be popped like a pill. If real love relationships matter to us, whether we are in one now or hope to be someday, we would do well to avoid that captivating house on the hill. It is full of lies and distortion. It is empty. Brian Wigg is a husband, father of three small children, trained actor, and an economic analyst. He is writing a book about the lies of pornography and how life without it is far better. He blogs regularly at www.p-rnfree.com
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