talk to?’ ‘What did you wear?’ ‘Why would you wear stuff that would make other guys look at you?’ ‘Are you trying to impress these guys?’ Sometimes, he’d explicitly say that he didn’t want me wearing makeup.” With no previous dating experience, Kendrick was at first unable to identify her boyfriend’s control tactics. “I just figured this was what was done in a relationship,” she says. “I thought he was protective and concerned, and I convinced myself that he was just looking out for me.” Over time, however, Kendrick began to realize that her boyfriend was not only controlling but also manipulative and dangerous.“When we had been dating for about three months,” she says, “he became more demanding on what I should and shouldn’t do. ‘You will not do this.’ ‘You will not go here.’ ‘You will not talk to this person.’” The young man also became physically abusive. “He hated me arriving late at the meetings we had scheduled. It was just a pet peeve of his. We often met at a parking lot near my parents’ house. On one occasion when I got there late, he was angry at me. I said I was sorry, but he told me to get in the car, shut up, and stop trying to apologize. He was very forceful and a lot bigger than me, so it was pretty easy for him to hold me down. He was holding my arm so tightly that I told him, ‘You’re hurting me, let go.’ But he looked at me and said, ‘You’re not going anywhere.’ I was very afraid.” Kendrick’s boyfriend finally released her from his physical clutches, but not before further terrorizing her. “He tried to kiss me but I turned my head because I wanted nothing
and congregants need to know about abuse in teen dating BY AL MILES
“I met him through my church,” recalls Kendrick, the daughter of a Christian pastor. She was 14 when she began dating her first boyfriend, who was 17. “We went on a mission trip together with high school students the summer before I went into high school. He was very nice to me. We talked a lot on the trip, but didn’t see each other that much once we came back home. So we began instant messaging.” The young couple’s conversations were routine, at least initially. “We’d just talk about our days apart, how much we missed each other, typical stuff,” Kendrick says. “Even when I first came back from the mission trip, my parents were not happy about me seeing this guy.They wanted to keep me away from him because he didn’t have the best reputation. So he and I talked a lot about how unhappy I was.” Gradually, Kendrick’s boyfriend became more controlling. “He’d ask me, ‘What did you do today?’ ‘Who did you
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Kate Komarnicki
What clergy, youth ministers,
to do with him at that point. So, as a type of punishment, he lifted me up a little, we were in the back seat of the car, and he slammed my head back down onto the side of the door. I was trying not to cry, because one of his things was my crying meant that he had done something to hurt me. He’d say, ‘Since all I do is love you, if you’re crying you must be lying.’ He was very manipulative. Finally, he shoved me out of the car and said, ‘Stop being such a baby, I was just kidding.’” Kendrick says that her boyfriend never again used such physical force. She has a clear understanding as to why he no longer had to employ this particular abuse tactic. “He would grab my arm in the same place he grabbed me in his car, and this would scare me enough that I’d immediately do whatever he wanted.” He also began using more emotional abuse tactics. “He’d tell me how depressed he was,” Kendrick says, “but, if I loved him more, he wouldn’t be so depressed and everything would be okay. Or, he’d say, ‘I think I love you more than you love me.’ It was almost like a game that I had to play to convince him that I loved him enough.” But, despite his constant proclamations of love, Kendrick’s boyfriend continued to treat her disrespectfully. “If I missed a conversation,” she says, “due to class or having a meeting with one of my teachers, the next time I would talk to him he would constantly ask, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Are you cheating on me?’ ‘You are a whore.’ ‘You are a slut.’ This happened a lot.” Eventually, Kendrick was able to break free from this young man. But, as we will see shortly, she continues to live with the emotional and spiritual scars caused by the abuse he perpetrated against her.
(teenresearch.com), these startling facts were discovered: ■ More than half of teens (57 percent) know friends or others their age who have experienced physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. ■ More than half of girls (51 percent) know a friend or a peer who has been verbally abused or threatened, as have one-third of boys (34 percent). ■ Fully four in 10 girls know a friend or peer who has been pressured to have intercourse; nearly a third of girls (32 percent) know someone who has been pressured into performing oral sex. ■ Thirty-three percent of teens know a friend or peer who has been physically abused—either hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked, or otherwise physically hurt (such as being bruised from a punch). ■ Verbal abuse is also frequent: 44 percent of girls and 27 percent of guys know someone who has been repeatedly abused verbally. Christian teens are no less vulnerable to the pervasive problem of teen dating violence. They may even be more likely to experience a specific tactic of control and manipulation not listed above: the misuse of God, Jesus Christ, Scripture, and church doctrine and tradition.
Spiritual abuse “I’ve yet to decide what was worse: the actual relationship with my ex-boyfriend or the first couple of months after I broke up with him,” Kendrick discloses. “Throughout our relationship he had told me that God meant for us to be together. That was something he said a lot as a manipulative tactic.” When the relationship ended, the young man used his past history of drug abuse as a way to manipulate other church members. “What he did was to convince everyone except one person in our high school youth group that I was selfish because I was the person he needed to try to stay clean from drugs,” Kendrick says. “He would go from telling others ‘I need her to stay clean’ to ‘I don’t know why she’s being so self-centered and selfish. This isn’t about her. It’s about me needing religion and to attend church to stay clean.’ Almost everyone bought into his deception. Since we both were attending the church where my father was the pastor, the implied question to me from others in the congregation was, ‘Why aren’t you helping him?’ People who I considered very close friends would not talk to me. I was furious and so upset. I couldn’t understand what was happening.” Five years later, Kendrick continues to live with the emotional and spiritual scars brought on by the abuse of her first boyfriend. “There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t, somehow, think of the relationship I had with him,” she
Definition and prevalence According to the Dating Violence Resource Center, a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime (www.ncvc. org), dating violence is controlling, abusive, and aggressive behavior in a romantic relationship. The problem occurs in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and can include verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or a combination of these. Any teen can be a victim of dating violence.The problem exists in all cultures, races, socioeconomic classes, and faith communities. Both females and males are victimized. Boys injure girls more and are more likely to punch their partners and force them to participate in unwanted sexual activity, whereas girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt themselves, pinch, slap, scratch, or kick their partners. Some teen victims experience violence occasionally. Others are abused more often, sometimes daily. In a study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. and conducted in March 2006 by Teenage Research Unlimited
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confesses. “Even now, when I see a car like the one he drove, I check out the license plate. And, regarding intimacy, it’s much easier for me to have a casual physical relationship with another person than to worry about any emotional attachment and connection, because that’s much scarier.” Today, her relationship with and understanding of God are murky. “Religion is something that I have struggled with,” Kendrick admits. “Because my father is a minister, religion has been a constant presence in my life. I think when you’re a teenager that makes it something you don’t want. God is someone who knows everything I’ve done, every mistake I’ve made, and still is compassionate and forgiving. Yes, God is probably disappointed at some of the decisions I’ve made, but he is a compassionate and understanding God, who will always also be a loving God.”
ping among them, just as they occur in every other segment of society. Make the safety of victimized teens top priority—Many churchgoers express more concern about “ruining the reputation” of a teen victimizer than keeping a victimized teen safe.This is especially the case when the violator is male and the person being violated is female. However, safety for individuals facing abuse has always to be the top priority in any teen dating violence prevention and intervention strategy. Hold abusive teens accountable—A perpetrator of teen dating violence will blame everyone and anything for the abuse he or she is inflicting: alcohol and other drugs, depression, mood swings, race, school stresses, upbringing, and, especially, his or her intimate partner. Christian leaders and laity are very susceptible to the manipulative ways of male perpetrators. We tend to provide them quick absolution of their sins; claim for them some type of divine healing; blame females, due to actions or inactions, for their own victimization; and pressure these hurting young women into offering their male violators forgiveness. In reality, the best hope for abusive young men to stop their violent behavior and lead lives that will contribute to the betterment of humankind is for us to hold them accountable for their sins. This means assigning full responsibility to them for the damage they cause and encouraging them to seek appropriate, offender-specific help from a trained counselor or group facilitator.
How the church can help Listed below are some practical steps Christian leaders and laity need to follow in order to help prevent and end situations of dating violence faced by scores of Christian teens like Kendrick. First, let’s consider some common warning signs that may indicate a teen girl or boy is in an abusive dating relationship: ■ Radical change in behavior—teen seems anxious, depressed, hypersensitive, withdrawn ■ Ceases activities once enjoyed ■ Distances self from family and friends— especially if teen previously enjoyed a close relationship with these individuals ■ Decrease in academic performance ■ Seems uninterested in physical appearance or personal hygiene ■ Dresses inappropriately for the season or situation— wears coats, heavy jackets, sweaters, or sweatshirts in summer weather; or wears sunglasses on cloudy or rainy days or indoors ■ Receives an inordinate number of phone calls or text messages from dating partner—or partner always seems to be around ■ Seems afraid of dating partner, or either defends or takes the blame for partner’s bad behavior ■ Secretiveness ■ Has unexplained bruises or offers unbelievable or vague explanations for bruises.
Seek education and training—Christian leaders and laity need the expertise and support of the entire community of service providers in order to respond properly to this complex problem. Awareness education and training, taken at conferences and workshops, or found in the form of videos, articles, books, and pamphlets (see resources sidebar), will greatly reduce the temptation to offer quick-fix advice to victims and perpetrators or to be easily fooled by the deceptive and manipulative nature of perpetrators. Know your limits—Christian leaders and laity must not go beyond their level of expertise and training. Instead, we need to work in collaboration with a team of advocates, certified youth counselors, crisis intervention counselors, law enforcement officers, legal professionals, and victim and witness assistance personnel, to name just a few.
Additional prevention and intervention strategies
Model healthy relationships—Teens are very sensitive to adult behavior, especially that of their own parents. It is therefore essential that clergy, youth ministers, and all other adult congregants model healthy behavior in their own intimate
Accept reality—Clergy, youth ministers, and congregants must face the tragic but true fact that situations of teen dating violence are occurring between some of the youth worship-
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relationships. If this is not done, teens will view adults as hypocritical and dismiss any advice they offer.
Resources on Teen Dating Violence Awareness
Stay informed on the manner in which teens use technology—Chat rooms, cell phones, personal web pages, and text messaging are but a few ways today’s teens connect with each other and the rest of the world. These technological advances have also made it easier for teen perpetrators and adult predators to abuse children and youth. Clergy, youth ministers, and congregation members must stay informed on every aspect of the technology teens are using. Simply placing a computer in a well-trafficked area of our home does not come close to qualifying as an all-encompassing prevention strategy.
Books
Violence AgainstWomen and Children:A ChristianTheological Sourcebook, Carol J. Adams and Marie M. Fortune, eds. (Continuum, 1995). Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger (1991); What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence (co-authored with Patricia Occhiuzzo Giggans, 1995); and In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships (1998). All by Barrie Levy and published by Seal Press.
Focus on the equal value and worth of all humankind— Far too often Christian clergy, youth ministers, and parishioners, especially men and teen boys, have interpreted or translated passages from Scripture in a male-centered manner. This patriarchal construct has, since the beginning of time, provided men, young and old, with privileges and power over women, children, animals, and plants which God never intended. The overall message from both divine beings and sacred texts centers on the love, respect, value, and worth of all humankind, female and male. When Christian ministers and congregants model and teach an egalitarian way of living, it reduces greatly the tendency of males, batterers and nonbatterers alike, to use divine beings, sacred texts, and church doctrine and teachings to excuse or justify male acts of abuse and violence perpetrated against women, teenage girls, children, and each other. Teaching the equal value and worth of all humankind will also help empower female victims and survivors of teen dating violence to seek refuge and safety for themselves, realizing that no one deserves to be abused or abusive.
But I Love Him: ProtectingYourTeen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships (HarperCollins, 2000); Destructive Relationships:A Guide to Changing the Unhealthy Relationships in Your Life (Jodere, 2002); and But He’s Never Hit Me:The Devastating Costs of Nonphysical Abuse to Girls and Women (Jodere, 2004). All by Jill Murray. Ending Violence in Teen Dating Relationships: A Resource Guide for Parents and Pastors (2005); Violence in Families: What Every Christian Needs to Know (2002); and Domestic Violence: What Every Pastor Needs to Know (2000). All by Al Miles and published by Augsburg Fortress Publishers. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher (Ballentine Books, 1994).
Videos
Love—All That and More (faithtrustinstitute.org, 2001) is a three-video series featuring teens talking with teens about healthy relationships. Designed to inform youth about the elements that make up healthy relationships and increase their awareness and understanding about abuse, it also offers adults a window into the private world of teens and seeks to motivate all viewers to seek relationships based on equality and mutual respect.
Situations of teen dating violence are occurring in all segments of society. Clergy, youth ministers, and congregants can play a vital role in helping to prevent and end this pervasive issue. However, to be effective, we must first face the harsh reality that Christian teens are just as likely to become victims/survivors or perpetrators as are all other young adults. ■
Internet
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (loveisrespect. org) Liz Claiborne teen dating violence awareness initiatives (loveisnotabuse.com)
The Rev. Al Miles works for Pacific Health Ministry as the coordinator of the Hospital Ministry Department at The Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu, Hawaii. He is the author of multiple books about domestic and dating violence (see resources sidebar for more information).
Dating Violence Resource Center at the National Center for Victims of Crime (ncvc.org)
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Overcoming sexual addiction in a Christian marriage BY ROGER DOWIS
Joan sat in front of the computer feeling betrayed and hurt. For months her husband had spent his nights isolated in their small home office. Whenever she entered the room, Don would immediately shrink the computer screen, looking like a boy caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Now, after checking the “history� of their internet provider, Joan discovered that her husband had been visiting dozens of porn sites and adult chat rooms. Like most couples, their marriage had had its ups and downs, but now she wondered if she could remain in a relationship based on deception and betrayal. She simply did not
understand how Don, a Christian and a father, could involve himself in a secret lifestyle that was so foreign to his values. A DESENSITIZED CULTURE
Two reasons that porn and cybersex have invaded Christian homes are the normalization of porn in our culture and the almost effortless availability that we now have to it via the internet. What the eye sees remains indelibly imprinted on the brain forever. Through contemporary fashion, television, and movies, we see a great deal more today than at any other period
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state, ‘OK, I’ve had all the affirmation I need. Don’t give me any more.’” Dr. Carter explains that during infancy affirmation is conveyed through touching, patience, and nurturing. During the grade-school years, affirming words express the value of a growing child. Finally, during the teen years, young people develop abstract thinking, enabling them to understand the concept of innate worth, something that is best conveyed by the unconditional love of a parent. Experts in the field of counseling have discovered that much of an entire generation felt abandoned by their parents, especially their fathers. For the most part, the abandonment was not intentional. Fathers were expected to express love for their families by being good providers; the kind of deeper connections that are created when fathers spend leisure time with their children was not recognized as an essential ingredient to emotional health. Yet without this nurturing process, says Dr. Carter, children grow into adults who are constantly looking for approval. They depend on the messages of others to determine their value, and pornography clearly speaks to that need. Men feel idolized and full of energy when looking into the admiring eyes of Ms. September or when chatting with a live woman who is looking for cybersex. When it comes to the need for (and lack of) nurturing, Christian men are as vulnerable as the next guy. Within the walls of our churches, the hearts of many men carry the wounds of their unhealthy childhoods. Although they intellectually know that God loves them, they constantly experience an emotional need for reassurance of their manhood and basic worth as a human being. One of the basic themes of Wild at Heart (Nelson Books, 2001) by John Eldredge is that many men never experienced being initiated by their fathers into manhood. Furthermore, some parts of the women’s movement have sent a mixed message, leaving many men wondering where society expects them to fit in. Eldredge says that many men are haunted by a lack of strong sense of identity. Pornography artificially and temporarily fills that gap, but because that need can never be sufficiently gratified without emotional intimacy—and pornography is completely void of intimacy—men eventually spiral downward into addiction.
in human history. Those who speak on behalf of the media often peddle the notion that the viewing public need only change the channel if offended by the graphic nature of its programming, but even a cursory review reveals that virtually no programming is free of sexually suggestive material. Christians have for too long been sleepwalking through a gradual transition that began with cable TV. Changes in movie ratings followed close behind, making it possible for each home to watch provocative films containing total nudity. It has now become difficult to find any motion picture without at least one sexually gratuitous scene. Unfortunately, even commercials are heavily laced with suggestive material. Both Burger King and Hardee’s fast-food restaurant chains recently produced a series of commercials with strong sexual overtones. After Janet Jackson’s 2004 Super Bowl fiasco, the FCC began to crack down on extreme cases of nudity during day and nighttime programming, but Christians are still bombarded with sexually stimulating messages everywhere they turn. Christians should not be surprised if the line between God’s gift of intimacy and sexual promiscuity becomes blurred when erotic material is allowed to enter the sanctity of their homes. Christians may even have a false sense of security, believing that their faith affords them an increased tolerance to temptation. However, the following statistics indicate a more disturbing shift in our culture: Barna Research Group concluded that one in five “born-again” Christians now believes that viewing magazines with nudity and sexually explicit pictures is morally acceptable; 36 percent say they no longer feel that cohabitation before marriage is offensive to God; depending on what survey you read, as many as 60 percent of Christian men have viewed pornography within the last year.
Amy Randall
HOW DO CHRISTIANS GET HOOKED?
Steven Earll, founder and director of Pure Intimacy (pureintimacy.org), says that one of the most common questions asked in counseling is,“What causes a person to become addicted to pornography, especially a Christian?” After years of studying the issue, Earll has concluded that addictions, while extremely complex, are most often rooted in unresolved family trauma. The most common forms of trauma are sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. “The way we handle trauma often determines how it will affect our lives, and our family’s life, for years,” says Earll. “When an individual or family does not seek to heal the wounds, the legacy of trauma is often passed on to the next generation.” Dr. Les Carter, author of The Anger Trap (Jossey-Bass, 2004), explains that the deepest need of all humans is to be affirmed and loved. “There is never a day when a person can
CONTROL ISSUES
Several behaviors are known to fuel sexual addiction, not the least of which is the desire to have power over others (this is common in people who have experienced emotional abuse or neglect as children). Although they may not realize it in the beginning, those who experience sexual addiction desperately want to control everything and everyone around them.
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Once sexual addiction has taken root, the need for control will spill over into other relationships, usually at church or work. Men often become predators, looking for females who respond to strong personalities and who give off signals that they also benefit in some codependent way from this type of social transaction. Needless to say, these interactions often lead to physical adultery (emotional adultery, of course, has already long taken place). For Don, the husband we met in the opening scenario, control was nothing short of exhilarating. In fact, his acting out sexually was merely a byproduct of his need for control, which offered the real turn-on.The more he progressed in his addiction, the more he became impatient with and demanding of Joan. The slightest thing would trigger an unreasonable level of anger. Although he felt ashamed and had prayed for help, he felt powerless to stop his behavior. He hated hurting Joan’s feelings, but her submission and desire to please him only enabled his behavior. Christian wives often feel they are commanded to be submissive. The question, however, is “Submissive to what?” The Bible says nothing about being submissive to someone acting out in sin. Destructive behavior is diametrically opposed to the agape love associated with God and his children. Christians often feel that classifying sexual addiction as a personality and intimacy disorder somehow negates the aspect of sin. However, sin is always sin, regardless of the form it takes, and all of us need the redemptive grace of our Lord to overcome its corruptive nature. God commands us to acknowledge our sin and repent when we fall short. But we must look beyond the obvious and ask ourselves what tools God has provided for healing. Remember, without help these men remain in a cycle of shame and selfdegradation that is doomed to repeat itself ad infinitum. Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, is often asked about “all this psycho-babble.” Dobson says that he has frequently dealt with resistance among some in the Christian community who remain uncomfortable with psychology. Secular thinkers, including psychologists, often have insights that are consistent with biblical revelation, and Dobson is opposed only to humanistic methods that contradict Christian faith. Even Christian therapists, he explains, must be careful “to use godly discernment and filter everything through the screen of God’s word.” The Christian approach to counseling and recovery seeks to reintegrate the body, mind, and spirit, healing the wounds that keep any of these components from working properly.
important to understand that failing to confront a spouse may enable the behavior to continue. “Confrontation is really your only power,” says Marsha Means, author of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars (Revell, 1999). She wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography and feels strongly about bringing such secrets into the light. Confrontation need not be judgmental or condemning. The best approach is to simply state your concerns in love and truth, then wait for your husband’s response. A simple statement is usually sufficient: “Honey, I found some inappropriate stuff on our computer. Do you know where it came from?” Many husbands will find relief in being discovered. A few, however, will either deny having a problem (despite the evidence) or refuse to take meaningful steps to address it. Some counselors recommend that you follow the model described in Matthew 18:15-16 when a spouse continues to avoid the issue: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault...But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” In other words, confront your spouse in the presence of friends, coworkers, a pastor—but not the children. Women who attempt to manipulate their husbands into changing, or who blame themselves for the problem, will only become codependent. Instead, wives should encourage their husbands to seek counseling, become involved in men’s support groups, and install filters and accountability software on their computers. Once boundaries are set and opportunities for recovery are presented, a wife can do a great deal by showing her loving support. This does not mean that business continues as usual. Physical intimacy should be placed on hold until agreed-upon expectations are achieved. Since sexual addiction usually involves injury to the innocent spouse, time should also be allowed for forgiveness and healing. Christian counselors generally agree that wives should physically separate themselves from their spouse if being exploited, victimized, or enduring ongoing verbal abuse. This action should be looked upon as a temporary measure to allow the man to recognize the extent of his problem, make changes that reveal repentance, and get the help he needs to understand the root of his addiction and destructive behavior.While not necessarily the preliminary step toward divorce, the separation should be long enough to allow the husband time to address the very deep issues involved and for the wife to experience the emotional and spiritual rest she requires to be able to think clearly about the marriage and her own needs. Rob Jackson, a Christian counselor who fought to restore his own marriage, believes that separation should be therapeutic, not done in anger. Rob compares it to fire lines that fire-
WHAT WIVES CAN DO
Wives are often at a loss when dealing with husbands who experiment with or become addicted to pornography. It is
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as a necessary component of the recovery process. Without a safe place of ongoing interaction, long-term recovery is difficult, if not impossible, to sustain. Healing is a process more than a destination. Celebrate Recovery, Sexual Addicts Anonymous (sexaa.org), New Life Ministries, and Harvest USA (harvestusa.org) are just a few of the programs that offer small-group resources for the sexually broken. In addition to any individual work that a man does toward healing, the couple also needs to take proactive steps toward healing their sexual relationship. Dr. Mark Laaser, author of Faithful & True (Zondervan, 1996), suggests the following guidelines: • Early in recovery, a period of celibacy must be observed in order to reverse the belief that sex is the most important need. In fact, love and intimacy are our greatest needs. • Sexual addicts must agree to boundaries in which they no longer fantasize about other partners. • Husbands must learn to express their sexual desire emotionally and spiritually with their partners. At first, this may seem less exciting, but in time they will find it more fulfilling. • Couples must learn to express their sexual likes and dislikes and respect established boundaries.
fighters often set up to stop blazes. By intentionally burning a controlled area, they can remove the threat of a disastrous wildfire. RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE
“The good news is that recovery is possible,” says Ralph Earle, founder and president of Psychological Counseling Services (www.pcsearle.com) in Scottsdale, Ariz. “The bad news is that it takes work.” Earle, a licensed therapist and ordained minister, has treated over 100 pastors for cybersex addiction. He explains that like any other addiction, an ongoing recovery program is necessary to achieve victory. Fred Stoeker, founder of Living True Ministries (fred stoeker.com) and coauthor of the Every Man series, suggests the following for men struggling with pornography: Stop the behaviors: To deal with their issues, men must read books like Every Man’s Battle (everymansbattle.com) and apply its principles each day. Get connected with others: A common characteristic of addiction is isolation. Christian men can overcome the temptation and false intimacy of sexual sin by developing deeper connections with their spouse and through friendships with other men. Celebrate Recovery (celebraterecovery.com), an international Christian recovery program that addresses multiple issues in church-based support groups across the country, recommends daily devotionals using the Recovery Bible. Furthermore, men need accountability partners with whom they can safely disclose the details of their struggle and receive feedback. (Free accountability software is available at xxxchurch.com that will alert a mentor/partner every time a porn site is accessed, making it that much easier to stay honest.) Take control of the computer: Put the computer where everyone can see it.This will not only help the sexually addicted person remain faithful to his commitment to remain porn-free, but will also protect children from online predators. Many fine software systems block any unwanted adult material from invading your home. (See everyhomeprotected.com.) Seek counseling. Not all Christian counselors are the same. It is important that you select one that approaches this subject with understanding and grace. Men seeking relief have already tried and failed to overcome their addiction using traditional methods of repentance and prayer. Christian counselors who specialize in sexual addiction will bear the most fruit because they understand the healing process and the expectations for long-term sexual purity. Anything less will fall woefully short in the therapeutic process. New Life Ministries (newlife. com) offers a toll-free number (1-800-NEW-LIFE) you can call to receive a list of approved counselors in your area. Support groups: Support groups are now recognized
HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
God calls men to protect their families, to be willing to lay down their lives for their loved ones. Therefore, they are to avoid even the hint of sexual immorality; neither should they indulge in any obscenity, course talk, or sexual joking. Most importantly, Ephesians 5 warns us not to be deceived by the world, for of such things comes God’s wrath.We live in a world controlled by the “father of lies,” who, during a battle for our very souls, is attempting to deceive us. If we believe that we can do all things through Christ, then there remains no doubt as to our ability to heal and grow in the shadow of the Savior’s love. One man in recovery said that he found daily comfort and faith by reading Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ■ Roger Dowis is a member of Celebrate Recovery and serves on both the Ministry Team and as a small group leader for men struggling with a variety of issues. He believes that no true healing can take place without the recognition and influence of God. After 27 years in law enforcement, where he informally counseled hundreds of officers experiencing marital problems, he retired and now spends his time writing about social issues. He currently offers premarital counseling and, with his wife, leads Divorce Care through his local congregation.
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