Family

Rite to Life Celebrating Our Children’s Journey to Maturity An interview with Brian Molitor

BY DAVID ZIMMERMAN

“He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to their fathers.”

Malachi 4:6

Molitor and his wife, Kathleen, had long anticipated the need to signal for their children a change of status at age 13 as a means of fostering maturity, but neither had their own childhood rites to draw on.

“I had good parents and grandparents and coaches and so on who spoke into my life and helped me with transitions,” explained Molitor,“but the lack of an event left a void in me that I didn’t understand until I actually began to do this for my son. I tried to fill that gap with all kinds of things that a young man might get into.”

Molitor imagined an experience for his eldest son, Christopher, that could be tailored specifically to Christopher’s personality and developmental needs. But once his plane touched down in Benin, Molitor did some research and was surprised to discover how closely his son’s ceremony lined up with the ceremonies practiced by cultures and communities around the world and throughout history.

“The Masais have a marvelous circumcision ceremony that helps young guys transition into manhood. Some Native American tribes practice vision quests; the ancient Romans

rian Molitor likes to think big. He works as an international business consultant, helping, for example, the president of the African nation of Benin not only build an infrastructure and stabilize an economy but “tangibly show the love of God to 5.5 million people.” And that’s just his day job.

Ask Molitor what he’s most excited about these days, and he’ll talk at length about changing the way Americans parent their children. Molitor has taken the brainstorming he did about his son’s 13th birthday party (during a 30-hour plane ride) into two books and a wide-ranging ministry to institute rites of passages and intentionally shepherd children as they grow up.

“In our ‘modern’ society we have absolutely ignored the concept of a transitional event or rite of passage into adulthood,” Molitor told PRISM. “That missing ingredient is perhaps the cause of some of the problems our young people and—since this abandonment stretches back several generations—some of our older people as well are having with issues of identity and purpose in life.”

B

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had the toga virilus; the Jews maintain the bar and bat mitzvahs.

All of these transitional events contain some common elements: Respected elders declare and decree that a child has become an adult; the event has a spiritual air to it; the event is marked with celebration; and following the transition there is a very clear difference in how the celebrants are treated by those around them. I was thrilled to discover that our celebration with Christopher had tapped into these same elements.”

But really, what’s so important about a ceremony? Kids know they’re a year older when their birthdays come, and they’re trained by society to see their entry into the teenage years as somehow significant. Even how we designate those years—each one punctuated with a teen—suggests a certain gravitas.

Still, just because we recognize that something is significant doesn’t mean we recognize what it signifies. A transitional event addresses that ambiguity. As Molitor explains, his book Boy’s Passage, Man’s Journey, released earlier this year,“places rites of passage in a context.We’re providing for parents a strategic plan for raising the next generation, a plan that involves not only the rite of passage but also lifelong mentoring and intentional blessing.”

“Lifelong mentoring” sounds intimidating, but it’s being done by parents no matter how attentive they are to it. Children learn patterns of behavior in part through what they observe in their parents; they form their concept of how the world works and how best to engage the world by the model their parents present to them. So the concept of lifelong mentoring is not what is novel to Molitor’s program; what’s novel is the idea that you give some attention to it.

“You get married, and you’re anticipating children:That’s when raising children should start. Mom and Dad ask themselves,‘What are the qualities we want to see in our sons and daughters?’ Pick the qualities: spiritually strong, morally straight, academically solid, industrious, kind—there’s a whole host of things that a given set of parents want to see in their children.

Without a plan a child develops by default, not by design.

“Lifelong mentoring involves speaking of these qualities to your child, creating opportunities for the child to practice these qualities, correcting them when they fall short, applauding when they hit the mark.All mentoring in those early years points toward a special day of transition when a boy becomes a man, when a girl becomes a woman.

“Leading up to the transitional event, we prepare our kids by laying out for them the things that mature men do, that mature women do, so that each child knows that the transitional event marks their passage into manhood or womanhood. The mentoring process leads up to, through, and beyond the transitional event; parents or trustworthy mentors continue to teach and counsel and advise and, when

necessary, correct. But these things are offered from a different posture:We have received these young people as adults, so now we talk with them rather than dictate to them.”

It’s one thing to teach a child to live well, but it’s quite another to help a child to establish his or her identity. The former is fixed: “This is the way; walk in it.” The latter, intentional blessing, is a moving target that requires intimate familiarity and explicit fondness. Neither is easy for many modern parents.

“We read right over the first mention of blessing in the Bible,” Molitor says. “Genesis 1:28 slips it by us—‘God blessed them and said…’—but in the original language the word for blessing means ‘to kneel and to adore.’ God the Father kneels and adores his newborns as his first act toward them. Adoring isn’t worship, of course, but God absolutely did not stay aloof worrying about looking weak or getting overemotional. That’s the posture we’re to have toward our children.

“Intentional blessing comes in two forms: words and meaningful touch. In the New Testament we read that Jesus ‘took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them’ (Mark 10:16). I’ve always pictured this as a photo op, little more than Jesus tousling a kid’s hair and saying, ‘Way to go.’ But the original words for ‘put his hands on them’ carries the meaning of imparting something. Something very important was happening when this elder touched these half-grown children. The blessing that’s happening here indicates an affirming of the good things in each child’s life.

“What we can take from that is that our kids need to hear from very early on confirming and affirming words about who they are—their identity and their destiny. We don’t withhold words of correction, but words of blessing need to be present.What happens all too often is that parents bypass words of blessing but slip into words of cursing when they’re angry—“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “You’ll never amount to anything”—that sort of thing.We need to bless our young people with our words—not only their accomplishments but their efforts and their identity.”

Thankfully there’s more to mentoring and blessing than talking, but, in an era where touch has become for many a traumatic experience, particularly at the hands of people with authority over them, meaningful touch seems like a lost art.

That’s unfortunate, because meaningful touch, as modeled by Jesus, plays a key role in securing a young person’s identity and preparing the way of maturity for them.

“There’s some amazing research being done at the University of Miami’s Touch Research Institute,” Molitor points out.“The physical touch of a hand can help to reduce stress and help alleviate pain from disease.There’s something

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about the touch of an elder—whether a hug or a pat on the back or a high five—that I believe can strengthen what’s on the inside of a young person.”

Keep in mind, of course, that this program for parenting is set against a backdrop of a culture essentially divorced from ritual. Transitional events are vulnerable to the ironic, cynical sense of humor applied regularly to other such important rituals as graduating, voting, and marrying. Similarly, most parents can’t draw on their own experiences of intentional blessing or purposeful mentoring as they enter into such practices with their children. Starting from scratch, as Molitor recognizes, can be intimidating. Nevertheless, with a workable plan in front of them, parents tell Molitor they can’t wait to get started.

“I’ve done quite a few retreats where I’ve presented this material,” he says,“and the response is,‘Thank God I finally have something I can implement.’We’re in this situation where we’re running ourselves to the point of exhaustion, moms and dads are each working two jobs so they can buy more stuff, and they still recognize that they’re not connecting with their kids as they should.The foundations we need to build our families on—lifelong mentoring, intentional blessing, and

transitional events—require time. Once parents get this, they’re pretty pumped.

“Sometimes you sense in parents—not so much from what they say as from what they don’t say—a reluctance or lack of confidence that they can pull off this type of parenting. It’s difficult to give somebody something you don’t have, and men have been wounded over the past few generations to the point where they don’t know how to engage emotionally with their kids. But, thank God, guys are mustering up the courage even to ask how to do this with their kids.

“I encourage guys to look within themselves to identify what they’ve been burdened with, what they keep stumbling over, and where they’ve been wounded. From there they need to look back to identify the origins of these vulnerabilities, and then look forward, like Jesus at the cross looking forward to the joy set before him. I contend that Jesus endured the cross for the joy of seeing God’s children freed from sin. If guys endure the pain of the process of dealing with their wounds, weights, and sins, they can help future generations to be free. Finally, they need to look up, because God is willing and able to guide us into support networks

Rites in Retrospect “God has given fathers a window in time to help their sons make the transition from being boys to being men. My passion is to ‘ruin’Timothy as a typical American teenager and to instill in him a vision of the world’s poor that will influence his calling and shape his destiny.”

—Keith Wasserman, commenting on a six-month world tour of ministries to the poor, in conjunction with his son’s 13th birthday “I have learned how much we have in comparison to many people. I have also learned that when we follow God’s path, the way is slowly illuminated for us. I know that when my son turns 13, I’ll take him on a trip like this.”

—Timothy Wasserman, commenting on his rite of passage “We want our kids to have a shared history, to celebrate each other’s passages through childhood. Sam, the oldest, has taken on a leadership role with the other kids since his initial rite of passage. Both he and Graham, the younger boy, have taken part in some other boys’ ceremonies, and peer accountability is becoming significant for them as a result.”

—Keith Cote, reflecting on the initial rite of passage for his oldest son “There was a lot of great, solid teaching in my confirmation. But an emphasis on a personal relationship with Christ was secondary to an educational process, and my own confirmation didn’t address the need that each of us has to hear our Father say he loves us.We’re each looking for a father’s approval, and, until our identity is grounded in that, we will look to fill this need in a variety of ways.

“I wrote a letter to Ben, and I invited 20 guys—family and friends, mostly adults, with a couple of young people—and we surprised Ben with a ceremony at our church. I read my letter, and we affirmed him and prayed over him.We told him, ‘You’re a man now, not a boy, and real men take responsibility for themselves.’”

—Ric Olson PRISM 2004

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and other resources to help us get free of our wounds, so we don’t project them onto our kids.”

What about people who are afraid of Jesus, or don’t have time for God, or are otherwise averse to religious faith?

Molitor often finds himself in conversations with nonChristian parents who are eager to infuse meaning into their kids’ lives. Lifelong mentoring, intentional blessing, and transitional events have an appeal that transcends Molitor’s own evangelical experience, but the quest for identity and destiny is undeniably spiritual, and talking about these issues in parenting is a way of talking about spirituality that can be ultimately life-changing.

“I’ve never once, since we’ve started exploring the concept of transitional events, had anyone reject the concept of our program,” Molitor muses.“The conversation goes something like this:‘You’re going to be imparting something to your children.

It’s important, regardless of your attitude toward God, that children be acknowledged at some point as adults, rather than indulging childish behavior in 30-year-old bodies. However, becoming an adult involves coming to terms with issues of identity, purpose, destiny—undeniably spiritual issues. Your responsibility to your kids is to know where you stand and

help them to determine where they stand.’ I’ve seen people be born again in response to reading through my first book, A Boy’s Passage.”

That’s only fitting. Molitor likes to think big, and his vision for parenting and mentoring is no exception. “As we begin to incorporate these values—lifelong mentoring, intentional blessing, and transitional events—we can change the course of our culture in one generation.” ■ Brian D. Molitor is the CEO of Molitor International, a consulting and training company specializing in building interpersonal relationships; the author of Boy’s Passage, Man’s Journey (Emerald Books, 2004); and the founder of Malachi Global Foundation (www.malachiglobal.org), which exists to inspire and equip men with the tools needed to love and disciple the next generation successfully.

David A. Zimmerman is author of the forthcoming Comic Book Character: Unleashing the Hero in Us All (InterVarsity Press) and the online column “Strangely Dim”(www.gospelcom.net/ivpress /campus/sd).

Transitions for Girls Kathy Molitor shared her husband’s desire to give their kids a strong start into adolescence, but the concept for a girl’s rite of passage was uncharted territory by the time their daughter Jenny approached age 13.

“Girls seem to have self-esteem issues that boys don’t usually have. One of the goals of the transitional event is to establish a young person’s identity, so shoring up a young girl’s self-esteem becomes a particular priority for the transitional event.

The keys to these celebrations are these kinds of life lessons that God wants to impart to each individual.”

Each ceremony is unique because each child entering adolescence is unique. So Kathy prayed and thought and observed Jenny over time, determining what core issues would need to be addressed as the Molitors marked Jenny’s transition.

“Jenny was in track and was feeling somewhat insecure because some of her friends were really good at it, and one particular student was getting more of the coach’s attention than Jenny was. I was sensing a lot of insecurity and jealousy in her and decided that Jenny’s celebration would need to address this insecurity, helping her to be satisfied with the gifts and talents God has given her and not to compare herself to other people.

“One skit we used for Jenny is called ‘Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,’ which focuses on inner beauty. A girl is getting ready for a party and looks at herself in a mirror, pointing out all the things she doesn’t like about how she looks.Then an audiotape plays with a deep, male voice—representing the voice of God—calling the girl’s name and describing how he painted each freckle on her face and made her exactly how he wanted her to be. He then asks to go with her to the party.The girl ultimately looks back in the mirror and feels better about herself, feels confident going to the party as she is.”

The proof of the ceremony’s success is in the subsequent behavior of the child. Did she grasp the messages being communicated? Did she embrace the vision for her that’s been presented? Did she connect with the idea that she is a treasured child of God as she is and a gift from him to the world?

“This event was a real life-changer for Jenny. I haven’t heard her compare herself—her height, athletic ability, appearance —to anyone since the event. It seems to have just subsided. I remember being really concerned that the ceremony wasn’t coming together. I’d pray at night,‘God, this isn’t fair.The boys’ ceremonies didn’t take this long! Give me some ideas!’ But it did all come together, and God used it to generate substantial growth in Jenny’s life.” ■ PRISM 2004

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NO PLACE

FOR ABUSE: Domestic Violence in the Church

BY CATHERINE KROEGER, AL MILES, AND ELIZABETH DERMODY LEONARD ILLUSTRATIONS BY PAUL LACHINE

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Those who have never come into contact with domestic abuse within the church will be appalled to learn not only that Christian men can abuse their wives but also that the larger community often either hides, denies, tolerates, or even justifies the abuse. But many are all too familiar with the silent suffering and spiritual destruction that this sin produces among God’s people. In an effort to better understand the realities, contributing factors, and consequences of domestic violence within the church, PRISM asked several experts to share their insights and experiences. Here they bring to light the hidden, unhealing wound of domestic abuse in Christ’s body and issue a wake-up call to the church. In Christ’s own words: “Let anyone with ears to hear listen!”

The Abused Bride of Christ

Bible one of the features most strongly emphasized for godly homes is that of safety. Believers are promised that they may dwell in safety and that their homes will be free of terror and violence.“My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places” (Isa. 32:18).

The theme is a recurrent one. Indeed, the prophet Isaiah (54:13-17) maintains that peace in the home, safety, and righteousness are the inheritance of the believer. Faithful teaching on the Christian family must include at least as much proclamation of these aspects as is accorded them in Scripture.

Lamentably this biblical emphasis has been much neglected and the very presence of abuse within the Christian family denied. Responsible research, such as that of Calvin College and of Nancy Nason-Clark, demonstrates that the prevalence is at least as high among Christians as in the general population. Because of an unwillingness to face this unpleasant truth, the problem has been denied, concealed, minimized, or ignored. Key organizations that focus on the Christian family have failed to address the issue and sometimes question the orthodoxy of those who express a concern.Yet the Bible calls upon the righteous to deliver the oppressed from the hand of the violent and declares that God is angered when no one steps up to intervene for them.

The Psalms repeatedly denounce violence, bloodshed, lying in wait, stalking, twisting a person’s words, verbal abuse, threats, and intimidation. How strange that we do not understand that these dictates apply as much to domestic abuse as they do to other sorts of violence and mistreatment.Yes, we have been blind to a problem that lies right within our own homes.

The task of the church is to be prophetic, as were the faithful messengers of God so long ago. Our mission is not only to declare God’s forgiveness but also to point to the conduct

By Catherine Kroeger

Like many an abused woman, the church is battered and bleeding from a wound that she fails to recognize. Many evangelicals cannot bear to acknowledge that spousal abuse is an enduring problem within our very walls. Both individually and as a faith community, we are ashamed and humiliated to admit the presence of such a problem. It is far easier to deny, to minimize, and to conceal.

Evangelicalism has been effective in proclaiming the redemptive and reconciling love of God to a world in desperate need. In the last half-century, it has gained in both numbers and influence throughout the globe. Believers can point to many accomplishments and ministries through which they have sought to bring glory to God and healing balm to those in need. We have recognized the need to be doers of the Word and not just hearers.

In at least one area, however, evangelicals have lagged far behind others involved in humanitarian endeavors.We have failed to address the issue of domestic abuse in any significant way. In actuality, our leaders have been caught in a dilemma that leaves them with such a high degree of discomfort that they cannot even acknowledge the problem.

Quite correctly, they maintain a high view of the Christian home and seek to build strong families.This is commendable, but it is important that a biblical perspective be offered. In the

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that requires forgiveness and transformation. Only when we identify the sin can we begin to move toward repentance and wholeness in Jesus Christ.

There are many reasons why it is imperative that evangelicals address the problem, but the first is that allowing abuse to continue harms the abuser.“You cannot strike one another with wicked fists as you do today and expect your prayers to be heard on high,” cautions Isaiah (58:4), while Peter commands husbands to live with their wives considerately,“lest your prayers be hindered” (1 Pet.3:7).Yes, allowing wrongdoing to continue violates the soul of the perpetrator.

Many abusers are frightened, insecure people who need the voice of the church in guidance, counsel, and redirection.

The Scriptures tell us that the evil executed by the violent person “recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head” (Ps. 7:16). But that abuse also comes back upon all who are in the body of Christ.

When we choose to ignore the affliction of women and children within our midst, all of us are tainted (1 Cor. 5:6-8). We are inseparably bound to one another, and when one suffers, we all suffer (1 Cor. 12:26).

When the sin of one is countenanced, all are affected.

The New Testament twice excludes batterers from holding church office (1 Tim. 3:3; Titus 1:7). In dealing with a domestic problem in Corinth, Paul holds the entire congregation accountable (1 Cor. 5:2-5).

He identifies a wrongdoer who must be reproved and held accountable by the church. He may be mentored, monitored, and ministered to—but not accepted as though nothing were wrong. Paul’s objective in this is so that ultimately the offender may be reclaimed. All too often in the modern church, no one dares to approach the perpetrator, while the victim is showered with all kinds of advice and reproof.

Modern-day offenders may be helped to find counseling, accountability groups, batterers’ groups, or a mentor.There is a need for prayer both with and for them. Couples counseling is usually unwise, but a group approach is often effective. A study of 1,000 case files from a Christian batterer-intervention group revealed that offenders referred to the program by the

pastor had a success rate nearly 30 percent higher than those who were court-referred.Those who are jailed for their offenses should receive ongoing concern and visitation from the church. Our desire is that they may be made whole by the power of Christ.The involvement of the faith community is desperately important.

Although the majority of Christian women will seek help in the first place from their pastor, many do not find the support that they need. Often they do not find a listening ear, nor are they believed when they start to disclose even a small part of their distress. Some victims are sent back home to dangerous situations, and many are not given food, shelter, or a caring environment. Many are told to pray harder, to be more submissive, or to be better wives. Some are even counseled that they will win their husbands’ salvation by their own patient endurance of abuse. Our holding the victim rather than the per petrator responsible may be far harder to bear than her original plight.

For this reason those in deepest need often find themselves alienated from the church.

Most of these women are not seeking a dissolution of their marriage but rather a means of stopping the abuse. To save themselves and their children, they will turn to other resources, often to those bitterly disenchanted by the church’s lack of concern. Tragically, it has sometimes been those most remote from the church who have been the most willing to provide safety and shelter, support and services, resources and rescue.

Due to our lack of preparedness, we may often need to avail ourselves of community resources in order to keep women and children safe. One pastor observed, “Better a community shelter than a Christian funeral.” Most community shelters offer training programs for volunteers, and there church members can learn how to deal effectively with those in crisis, how to get a victim to safety, how to utilize available resources, how to fill out a restraining order, and how to offer constructive support.

As we encounter those who come in distress, let us bear in mind that they must be believed. Because of the intense shame felt at making such a disclosure, false allegations are very rare.

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It is best to err on the side of safety. On the other hand, church folks are often moved too speedily by expressions of remorse and repentance on the part of the perpetrator.

We are fully convinced of God’s power to transform sinful human beings, but we must understand that the offender frequently reverts to the same conduct once the victim is back under his roof. We should be looking for a period of repentance and a demonstrable change in behavior.

Neither should instantaneous forgiveness be demanded on the part of the victim.This can tear open wounds that need adequate time to heal. As one woman living in a Christian community complained,“He broke my arm, and then I had to get right back in the same bed with him.” Forgiveness is the work of the Holy Spirit and cannot be pressured or scheduled. One might well reflect upon the story of Joseph, who tested his brothers carefully before effecting a reconciliation that saved the lives of the whole family, or the story of the Apostle Paul, who was kept at arm’s length by the believers in Jerusalem until he had proved his repentance again and again.

Our task is to bring wholeness and safety to hurting families but not simply to make our church “look good.”

We need rather to look long and hard at both the problem and the potential for healing. Disgrace is brought upon the name of Christ not because the victim discloses the abuse but because we fail to intervene with God’s healing power.

Sociologists tell us that abuse occurs within about 25 percent of our church families.We have failed where we were need-

ed most.The church, too, has been victimized by our refusal to recognize the evil and to respond, but the path to new beginnings is open before the people of God. ■ Catherine Kroeger is adjunct associate professor at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. She co-authored No Place for Abuse: Biblical & Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence (with Nancy Nason-Clark; Intervarsity Press, 2001) and edited, along with James R. Beck, Healing the Hurting: Giving Hope and Help to Abused Women (1998) and Women, Abuse, and the Bible: How Scripture Can Be Used to Hurt or to Heal (1996), both published by Baker Book House.

Domestic-Violence Intervention and Prevention: A Challenge for Male Christians

By Al Miles “What about all the men?” Like clockwork, this question is posed by Christian male attendees at nearly every domesticviolence awareness conference at which I speak throughout the United States. Men of God are living in utter hell, we are told, and their pain is caused by “inappropriate behavior on the part of Christian women.”

National statistics do indicate that some men are being victimized by their female intimate partners. And violence, whether perpetrated by females or males, is always inexcusable.

But here’s my challenge to Christian males: Focus your attention and energy on the preponderance of abuse and violence that men and boys perpetrate against women, children, and each other.

While a small percentage of men are violated in both heterosexual and homosexual intimate partnerships, the American Medical Association estimates that 2 million women in this country are assaulted by an intimate partner every year.The actual numbers are probably much higher, because victims often do not report attacks, fearing both the stigma associated with abuse and the threat of reprisal from their perpetrators.

Domestic violence is the number-one public health problem for women in the United States. According to the

“Sociologist Dr. Nancy Nason-Clark has conducted extensive research in Canada to understand the role of evangelical churches in responding to abuse victims.

She writes:‘We were impressed by the sincerity with which most pastors acknowledged their limitations in this area of counseling and by their desire to become more effective. Interestingly, the pastors with the most experience and training [in domestic violence] were the most likely to suggest alternative or additional sources of help [to that of the church].’”

Cited in N. Nason-Clark, L.P. Mitchell, and L.G. Beaman “Building Bridges Between Churches and Community Resources,” in Understanding Abuse: Partnering for Change, edited by M.L. Stirling, C. A. Cameron, N. Nason-Clark, and B. Miedema (University of Toronto Press, 2004)

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United States surgeon general, domestic violence is the greatest single cause of injury among American women, accounting for more emergency-room visits than traffic accidents, muggings, and rape combined.

What’s more, abused church-going wives are likely to be told by clergy and congregation members to stay with, pray for, and obey the very spouses who are violating them.

If they follow this alleged “divine” counsel, the women are told, God will be pleased and everything will be okay.

In reality, this type of advice is not only inappropriate but dangerous.As a result, women of faith have continued to suffer at the hands of their self-proclaimed “men of God,” a suffering that is further exacerbated by the sense of isolation from the Body of Christ that they experience.Tragically, some of these women have even been murdered.

When male Christians spend too much time discussing “all the men” who are supposedly abused by wives and girlfriends, we remove ourselves from being helpful in any way to the scores of victimized women living within our communities and worshiping among us. I contend that we use the alleged female-perpetrated violence as a diversion, to take the focus off the fact that we are not addressing the welldocumented cases of men’s abuse of women and children.

This point is vividly illustrated by an encounter I once had with 32 male evangelical pastors. The men, along with nine of their female colleagues, had invited me to lead a three-day seminar on domestic-violence awareness at a retreat center.

“Women never cause the abuse and violence that men perpetrate against them,” I announced at the beginning of one session, which focused on holding Christian men accountable for their abuse of women.

“According to research by Canadian sociologist Nancy Nason-Clark, evangelical pastors perceive violence rates among married couples in their current congregation to be 19 percent, just under one in five.”

Cited in No Place for Abuse: Biblical and Practical Resources to Counteract Domestic Violence, by Catherine Kroeger and Nancy Nason-Clark (IVP, 2001).

But many of the male pastors in the room balked at the statement. They insisted that women who are abused and battered emotionally, physically, psychologically, sexually, and spiritually had to have done something to cause their husbands or boyfriends to attack them.

One pastor, whom we’ll call Ralph, was especially hostile in his response. “Women have razor-sharp tongues which castrate and tear down men emotionally,” he protested.

“Women also deplete men’s God-given authority with their constant nagging and disobedience.And women fail to carry out their duty to provide for their husbands’ sexual needs.”

I was struck both by Ralph’s blatant misogyny and the fact that none of his male colleagues rebuked him for his bigoted attitude.They all sat in silence.

At the conclusion of the session, I confronted Ralph. I told him I was deeply offended by his stark disrespect and hatred of women. I expressed further concern for all females in his congregation, due to his lack of understanding regarding the dynamics associated with domestic violence.

Since he seemed so troubled by all the abuse women were perpetrating against men, I asked Ralph to tell me how he was caring for the spiritual and emotional needs of these battered males. But the pastor could not name a single action step he was following. (I’ve met with this same lack of response each time I’ve asked Christian male leaders and laity to provide details of the care they provide to “all the men” they claim are abused by intimate female partners.)

Christian males who seek to prevent the further spread of men’s violence against women have challenges and responsibilities which reach beyond those required of other followers of Christ.

First and foremost, we must be willing to recognize situations of domestic violence as the vast majority of cases are: crimes men perpetrate against women.

Second, we must make the safety of abused women and their children a top priority. There are still far too many

“To me the most shocking information that I’ve found in my research is the apathy of many evangelical Christians and their leaders to the pain and despair suffered by victims of abuse, and the desire to sweep the problem under the proverbial church carpet.The church has a tremendous potential to be a healing agent, the Balm of Gilead, to ease the wounds of the past and to offer hope. Christian people need to be challenged and offered tools that would assist them in their response to victims of abuse. I am optimistic that with increased awareness Christians will act to condemn abuse and to offer support to its victims and their families.”

—Nancy Nason-Clark

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male Christian clergy and parishioners who view the sanctity of the marriage covenant as more sacred than the safety of women and children. This is clearly seen in the often recited phrase, “A marriage and family must be saved at all costs.” But there are times when physical separation is absolutely necessary if the well-being of spouses and children is to be maintained.

Third, if we are to partner effectively with the hosts of other women and men who have already committed themselves to working towards ending men’s violence against women, Christian men need to examine their own actions, assumptions, and attitudes toward women. This step is essential—and one that most male Christians have a difficult time taking.

Having been indoctrinated (often from infancy) by church, family, and society to adhere to patriarchal principles, many Christian men enter adulthood with an inordinate cadre of undue rights and privileges.We also bring with us the stench of sexist teachings that have been programmed deep inside.

Ultimately, this false indoctrination works against us men.

We may not be perpetrators of any overt acts of violence against women. In fact, we might even label the emotional, physical, psychological, sexual, and spiritual tactics of terrorism other males use to control women as criminal and immoral.

However, when we are willing to hold up a mirror in front of ourselves and study carefully our own heart and soul, most Christian men soon discover that we, too, harbor some of the same bigoted beliefs to which many abusive Christian men subscribe. For example, a number of non-abusive Christian men still believe that males, simply because of gender, have “God-given” authority over their wives, girlfriends, and all other females. In order for Christian men to join the work of violence prevention, we have to be willing to seek proper help in changing any beliefs we were taught that devalue or rob females of the equality to which all humans are intrinsically entitled.

Fourth, after working on our own sexist attitudes and behavior, it is essential that Christian men speak out at every level—both inside and outside the church—against patriarchal beliefs, teachings, and traditions which help male perpetrators feel justified in their abuse of women. These have degraded women (and elevated men) since the beginning of recorded history. Although in reality this is a task for the entire church, Christian men have a special responsibility to confront this issue because it is rooted in patriarchal practices.

Christian men cannot be allies of justice if we continue to support male hierarchical doctrine and practices. For example, a careful reading of Ephesians 5:21-33 shows that the writer of these verses is calling not for male dominance and female subjugation in marriage but for a bond characterized by mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual responsibility.The concept of male headship and female submission sets up an imbalance of power in a marriage or other intimate partnerships, making it much easier for men to abuse women and then to claim divine privilege.

Also, Christian men need to adopt the use of inclusive versions of the Bible.The more we espouse egalitarian constructs, the better chance we have truly to live out the ideal of equality and mutuality between women and men.

Last, Christian males cannot be reliable allies in the struggle to prevent or intervene in acts of violence men perpetrate against women if we continue to follow the path most men of faith have historically walked: namely, to excuse, ignore, and offer justifications for the criminal and sinful behavior of Christian male batterers.

When we pledge allegiance to an abuser (which Christian men unwittingly do when we either remain silent after becoming aware of a perpetrator’s criminal activity against his wife or girlfriend or offer excuses and justifications for him), we render ourselves unworthy of trust. Our acts of collusion disqualify us from being considered as partners with those women and men who have made the commitment

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churches, thinking that was the only way to save themselves and their children?

When the levels of violence and control have gone beyond endurance; when attempts to end the relationship have resulted in stalking, forced return, death threats, and nearlethal assaults; when family, church, and/or the law have failed to help:Then a woman may believe her death is certain.

In such cases homicide may be the culmination of an escalating trajectory of violence.While men are about nine times more likely to commit murder than women, women represent about one-third of intimate-homicide offenders. Even though most women who kill their tormentors have never before been violent, they often are convicted of murder and given harsh prison sentences. In fact, life sentences are common.

Much of the explanation for these severe punishments lies in the structure of current self-defense laws, which leaves women at a systematic disadvantage.When a woman is attacked by a male intimate who chokes, smothers, or batters her

to work against all forms of male violence.

Christian males who truly desire to partner with others to help prevent—and bring an end to—men’s violence against women must demonstrate by both actions and words their willingness to do so for the rest of their lives. Without this lifetime commitment, we will be helpful neither to abused women nor to the men who violate them. ■ Rev. Al Miles serves as coordinator of hospital ministry for Pacific Health Ministry at the Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu, Hawaii.

He is the author of Domestic Violence:What Every Pastor Needs to Know (2000) and Violence in Families:What Every Christian Needs to Know (2002), both published by Augsburg Fortress Publishers. Miles is also a member of the National Advisory Committee on Violence Against Women, which is co-chaired by the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services.

When No Help Arrives Among the sampled adult members of the Christian Reformed Church (CRC): 12 percent reported having experienced physical abuse or neglect 13 percent reported having experienced sexual abuse 19 percent reported having experienced emotional abuse

By Elizabeth Dermody Leonard Domestic violence is widespread in the United States, crossing all racial, ethnic, age, and religious groups. Domestic assault is the single most frequent form of violence that police encounter, more common than all other forms of violence combined. Many battered women are sexually abused, assaulted, and raped by their partners, even during pregnancy.

Women who leave violent men face significantly increased risk of being killed—up to one-half of female homicide victims are murdered by a current or former intimate.

Battering is the most frequent predecessor to intimate homicide, whether the homicide victim is male or female.

Although women are eight times more likely than men to be killed by an intimate, as Brenda Clubine (currently serving 15 years to life for the death of her husband) warns, “Any abusive relationship is potentially lethal.”

For the abused woman who belongs to the faith community, intimate violence often creates a crisis of faith.

Cheryl Sellers (sentenced to 25 years to life) sought help from her pastor as her husband’s violence became life-threatening: “I talked to one minister and I was told,‘Oh, you’re not loving him enough. Just love him a little harder.’”This response to battered women and their children leaves victims feeling that the church places a higher value on the preservation of the institution of marriage than on the well-being of women and children. Who knows how many women have left

The total abuse-prevalence rate indicates the percentage of the population that has experienced at least one of the three forms of abuse considered.

This survey found that in the CRC the total abuseprevalence rate was 28 percent, more than one of every four adults in the CRC [or 60,000 CRC members].

These rates are not extraordinary; they are comparable to typical rates found in surveys of the North American general population. … Based on the experience of other abuse researchers, we surmise that the abuse-prevalence rates of this study most likely underestimate the actual rates of abuse in the Christian Reformed Church.

Cited in Report of Synodical Committee on Physical, Emotional, and Sexual Abuse in the Christian Reformed Church, September 1991.

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with an intent to kill, her only chance to survive the deadly assault is to grab a weapon and use it. Unfortunately, selfdefense law considers her action “excessive force” since he is “unarmed.” Further, if they are married at the time of the homicide and the couple has a life-insurance policy, the wife may be accused of killing for “financial gain,” a factor that increases the severity of the sentence.

LaVelma Byrd was attracted to her husband when she met him for the first time in church. He was polite, cordial, clean cut, and he was a minister. Her first marriage had ended in divorce years earlier, but she was certain this marriage would succeed because it would be based on their shared born-again faith. She relates her experiences here: I didn’t want anyone to k n ow w h a t I wa s g o i n g through with him. The mental abuse was there all along, and then the physical abuse began.

At first it was just a push here and a shove there, but then I would get hit upside the head for no reason at all. I would get stomped. It gradually got worse and worse.

I hid it. I wore big glasses to church and would fix my hair so they couldn’t see it. I was always protecting him, not looking out for me, but protecting him. I was very submissive to him because I felt that if I did a lot, I wouldn’t cause more problems. But it didn’t help me at all. I used to use Scriptures, telling him that God said,“Love thy wife as thyself,” but it would make him very angry because it was the truth.

I prayed a lot, fasted a lot, read the Bible a lot, cried a lot.

I think that made it even worse, with him being a pastor and me going through the things that I was going through. But I was always protecting him. I didn’t call the police when he would jump on me because I felt that if I had the police in front of our house it would be the end of his ministry. My head kept telling me: “God will work it out.”

I was very confused. I called the minister that was my

husband’s mentor and told him how I had to grab a knife to keep my husband from beating me up.That was sort of my shield to keep from getting beat up real bad. I told him everything, hoping that, as his mentor, he would talk to my husband and try to bring him to his senses. Later I called him and said,“You didn’t believe me when I was telling you about the things at our house.” He said,“Well, it wasn’t that I didn’t believe you, it was just so unbelievable that he would do something like that.”

No one else knew until I tried to commit suicide.That’s when my children found out what I had been going through.

I was in a coma for about three days.The counselor asked if we were having marital problems and I said, “No.” In an effort to conform to her church’s teachings on wifely submission, Byrd refrained from speaking up for herself.

She worried for the “saints who might fall” if they learned of her husband’s violence— that they would leave the church or, even worse, think that such actions were acceptable. She took responsibility for his ministry and “tried to keep him saved.” Today, she is trusting God to get her out of prison, where she is currently serving the tenth year of a 26years-to-life sentence for stabbing her husband while he was choking her. ■ (Anyone wishing to correspond with Byrd may write to her at: LaVelma Byrd W54191, CIW/ Miller B 108L, 16756 Chino-Corona Road, Corona, CA 92880-9508. She welcomes your letters.)

Elizabeth Dermody Leonard is associate professor of sociology and co-director of the Center for Women’s Studies at Vanguard University in Costa Mesa, Calif. Specializing in the study of family violence, she has conducted extensive research with women serving prison sentences for killing their abusive partners. She is the author of Battered Women Who Kill (State University of New York Press, 2002).

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“THERE IS NO PLAN B”

BRINGING CHRIST’S LOVE TO RUSSIAN ORPHANS

BY KRISTYN KOMARNICKI

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small, CHC has grown from 10 to 77 Russian staff members and from nine to 17 programs in just the last four years.

They partner with government officials and existing ministries in those countries as well as with churches and corporations in the United States to offer the orphans both God’s love and practical help, providing a future of hope where there once was little or no future at all—as CHC’s motto puts it: “Confidence to fly and a safe place to land.”

While other foreign agencies focus exclusively on adoption or humanitarian aid, CHC chooses to take a more comprehensive approach to helping orphans. “That makes it hard when we’re trying to raise funds to support our programs,” says Tom Davis, CHC’s director on the U.S. side. “It can confuse people when we tell them all the different things we do to address the changing needs of the kids, but when you’re involved in the life of any child there is no one single issue that needs attention. It’s much more complicated when you’re working with an orphan because their issues are multifaceted and also very intense.” Once CHC has gained access to an orphanage, they provide love and support from the preschool years all the way through young adulthood, ultimately helping kids mature into responsible Christian parents themselves who will be able to offer their own children a radically different childhood from the one they themselves experienced.

Your parents don’t want you or can’t raise you or perhaps are deceased.You live with 30 or 75 or 200 other children in one of the almost 2,000 state-run orphanages in Russia, and your days are ordered by meals, classes, and the institutional routines adhered to by everyone around you.

Traumatized by abuse and abandonment, you are developmentally delayed, or simply terrified or confused or shy, or for some combination of reasons generally unable to respond to the questions posed by adults in white coats who will determine your future with a flick of a pen. Because of this, there is a good chance that you have been labeled “oligophrenic” —literally “small-brained”—a tag that will follow you for the rest of your life, preventing you from being considered employable for anything beyond the most rudimentary labor.

You are offered a reduced-curriculum education and will graduate from the orphanage at 16 and go on to a technical school where you’ll receive minimal training in construction work, cooking, or sewing.

By 18 or 19, you’ll find yourself on the streets, without a job, family, connections, or support of any kind. After struggling for a time with homelessness and hopelessness, you will at this point—unless you are statistically exceptional—consider one of three options: commit a crime that will send you to jail, earn a living through prostitution, or end your life.

Such is the journey of the typical orphan in Russia, a country that is home to approximately 842,000 institutionalized orphans, with another 100,000 more living on the streets, according to recent reports from the government.

Struggling to recover from 70 years of Soviet rule and to rebuild an economy in which, according to the Red Cross, 40 million of its 147 million citizens are living below the U.N. poverty benchmark of US$1 per day, Russia is one of the few countries that boast a higher death rate than birth rate. Children are not a priority here, and orphans—the least valued both in economic and human terms—are at the very bottom of the food chain.

It is into this atmosphere that Children’s HopeChest comes bearing gifts with which the orphans—and in many cases their caregivers and administrators—are completely unfamiliar: intangible gifts such as faith and friendship and concrete gifts such as life skills and ongoing support.

Celebrating their 10th anniversary this year, Children’s HopeChest (CHC) today works with over 10,000 orphans in 72 orphanages in Russia, Romania, and, most recently, the Ukraine.

While the U.S. staff remains

Incarnating Christ’s love “God speaks repeatedly throughout the Bible about his heart for orphans,” says Matthew Monberg, CHC’s director of development. “In 1 Peter 5:8 it says, ‘Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.’The devil prowls and seeks and eventually finds the perfect victim: orphans, a population without loving parents, without advocacy, without spiritual protection or so many of the other things that we take for granted in our lives.

What better way for Satan to strike at the heart of God than to devour and destroy these children? So this begs a response from us:What will we do? There is no Plan B for bringing God’s love to orphans—it’s us.”

Last November I had the opportunity to witness firsthand

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some of what the enemy has devoured among the vulnerable population of Russian orphans and also some of what God has reclaimed and redeemed through the work of Christ’s Body on both sides of the globe. Along with a handful of both American and national CHC staff members as well as several other journalists, I accompanied pastors from Capo Beach Calvary Church of Capistrano Beach, Ca., as they returned to visit the two orphanages their congregation “adopted” in 2002.

“The first time I came to Russia, I was expecting the children to be hardened con artists and troublemakers,” admits Chuck Smith, Jr., Capo Beach Calvary’s senior pastor, “but I was open-minded about the idea of partnering with Children’s HopeChest to do some good for a few orphans.

I certainly did not believe I would ever make more than one trip to Russia.”

Contrary to his expectations, Smith discovered children hungry for affection, individual attention, and acceptance.

He and Craig Whittaker, the church’s executive pastor, were so moved by the children they met that they decided then and there to adopt at least one of the institutions they had visited.

“We felt really strongly that our church would love to take this on,” recalls Whittaker, “but we had no idea how much they would love it. Our first weekend home we announced the idea and said we were looking to get 55 sponsors for the smaller orphanage, but over three times that many people signed up!”The enthusiastic response allowed them to pledge their support to a second, much larger orphanage as well.

Through CHC’s Orphanage Adoption Program, churches are invited to commit to a three- to five-year partnership, agreeing to correspond with and pray for the children and to provide financial support of $30 per child per month.The funds help pay for some of the children’s basic needs, such as winter clothes and shoes, as well as the salaries of local university students hired by CHC as “disciplers.” Disciplers visit an orphanage at least once a week to befriend the children, lead Bible studies, teach life skills, and serve as translators during sponsors’ visits. CHC’s program ensures that each and every child in the orphanage is matched to a sponsoring family who encourages their child with letters and photos

throughout the year. Sponsoring churches are also required to make at least one visit a year, providing anything from an unhurried visit by a small team of church members to an educational opportunity (such as an art class) or the material and human resources to put on a summer camp.

“We try to encourage our partners not to pay too much attention initially to the physical needs of the orphanage,” explains Davis.“Fixing the toilets might be part of what they’ll want to do eventually but we encourage them to move quickly into providing programs that will help the children learn a skill—such as English or computer literacy—that they’ll need to support themselves once they get out of the orphanage.”

Although the children’s long-term needs are given first priority, sponsoring churches have managed to address many of the immediate physical needs as well—needs that are alltoo evident when visiting sponsors experience firsthand the realities of life in a poor orphanage. Soligalich, an oligophrenic orphanage and boarding school located in an impoverished town in Kostroma region, almost 400 miles northeast of Moscow, has been sponsored by New Life Church of Chesapeake,Va., since 2001. Upon our arrival at Soligalich, the orphanage staff proudly provide a tour of the recently refurbished areas. Drab dormitories have been repainted in cheerful sorbet shades, new beds and coverlets brighten every room, and the children now enjoy two well-lit, whitetiled bathrooms complete with new sinks, toilets, and bathtubs. At Sudai, one of Capo Beach Calvary’s orphanages, a new steam bath house, washing machine, and passenger van have been provided by the church.

When asked how their congregation has benefited from their involvement with the orphans, Smith responds,“The main benefit is the orphans themselves. Developing a relationship with one of them is enriching in so many ways.You get to care for a child as though caring for Christ, to understand their real need, to know you are making a difference, to see behind the mystique which had hidden Russia during the Soviet era and discover humans like ourselves.”

The pastors made three return trips in 2003.The goal of the first of these was to work with the orphanage directors in preparing for summer camps, to explore ways the church could assist the orphanages financially, and to meet with Orthodox priests in the surrounding villages. “It was important to us to be on good terms with the local priests,” explains Smith.“We wanted to encourage them to think of the orphans as their parishioners

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and to make sure that Sunday school classes were available to them.” A few months later the pastors returned with a group of 50 church members to put on a one-week summer camp at each of their sponsored orphanages.

“When churches come and see the needs, something happens to them,” says Davis,“and they want to help in all kinds of ways.They realize that in giving to the orphans they themselves are the ones who are being immeasurably blessed.”

But more important still than life skills and facility upgrades are the love, friendships, and continuity that sponsors offer.

Says Davis,“The most real you can make the gospel to both the kids and the staff is to come back. If you were to walk into an orphanage and say ‘Jesus loves you’ and never come back, what are you really saying to the kids? You’ll be just one more person in a long line of people in their lives who have let them down, rejected them, told them one thing and done another.

“But part of the good news of the gospel is that Jesus comes not only to save your soul but to redeem you out of your circumstances, too. Helping people in the midst of their trying circumstances—on an ongoing basis—is arguably the most important part of the gospel, translating it into something that makes sense to these kids in their everyday lives.

“When you look at Jesus’ unbelievable ministry of touch —how he welcomed children and touched lepers—you see that it’s not about writing a check once a month or serving the homeless a Thanksgiving meal once a year. Serving the needy should be a regular, vital part of all our lives. In Acts 6 you see that it’s the disciples themselves who are feeding the widows and orphans.They’re not saying,‘I’m too important to do this, I should be out doing real ministry.’ No, they’re right there in the thick of things, because that’s where, according to James, ‘pure and undefiled religion’ is to be found.

“The first time we came to do a summer camp in Kostroma, the people were very standoffish. But we just kept pouring love on those kids and by the end of our time there the orphanage staff were saying, ‘We were skeptical at first.

We didn’t know what you wanted from us or our children.

But when we saw how you loved our kids, we knew your Jesus is real.’What more do you want? Touch is what has validated the gospel in every region we enter.”

to the organization to request training, programming advice, or orphanage sponsorship. But CHC staff need to know that an orphanage director understands the way they work before agreeing to build a relationship with any one institution.

Davis explains,“A few years ago the head of the education department in Kostroma wanted us to find a sponsoring church for an orphanage that was struggling. We helped out with some initial aid, providing coal and the food they needed, but soon discovered we couldn’t trust the orphanage director.

This man wanted the financial help we offered but proved to be irresponsible with the little we’d given him, so we refused to work with him. The department head already knew the guy was a crook, so our attitude was enough to tip the scales.

He promptly sacked the director and put a more sympathetic one in his place.”

CHC currently works in three regions of Russia and hopes to expand into others as relationships and resources allow.

“When we come into a region we agree to help as many orphanages as we can,” continues Davis.“But we don’t agree to anything until we have the resources to do it.We want to underpromise and overdeliver.”

According to Katya Celenina, CHC’s national director, the relationship that CHC enjoys with regional government officials is unprecedented in Russia. She explains,“Usually, if the relationship between a foreign faith-based organization and the government is friendly it is because the government accepts the organization’s programs in exchange for their foreign currency. The government says, ‘You put in a new plumbing system and a new roof, and then we will let you do your Bible classes.’That kind of ‘cooperation’ is very common.

But in our case, it’s different. We begin by assessing an orphanage’s needs: ‘We believe you have such and such a problem, and this is how we can help you with it.’Then it’s up to them to accept our help.”

During the summer months orphans are sent to state-run camps that offer minimal programming and supervision.

Valeriy Nochevniy, deputy chief of the department of education in Ivanovo region, explains why he has pursued CHC’s summer camp program instead of the state program. “We’d

Sharing the tools As news of the impact of CHC’s work has spread to surrounding regions, government officials are increasingly reaching out

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or phan g rad’s needs, one name per page. “This boy is looking for an apartment, this one needs help with repairs, this one needs clothes, etc.

They come to me for guidance or help with their homework.

I don’t want to boast but actually I know the children very well!” he concludes, his broad face beaming. Over 100 kids attend the center regularly.

Each year, 15,000 children graduate from Russian orphanages. Having been raised in an institutional setting, these children face enormous challenges upon leaving the orphanage.An eleventh-grade education is required to enter university, so most orphans, who are offered an education only through the ninth grade, are ineligible.At this point the majority of them move on to tech schools.There they receive a monthly stipend from the government of approximately US$7, of which 70 cents goes for a single shower. Out of that allowance they must also pay for weekend meals, clothing, and toiletries.

“Theoretically, the tech school teaches the kids a skill so they can eventually work at a trade and earn a living,” says Davis, “but it doesn’t usually work out that way. I’ve visited tech schools where they’re supposed to be learning construction but they don’t have any tools or supplies. Most of these schools are just holding tanks for the kids until they’re old enough to be released from state care.”

The director of the tech school we visit in Galich, in Kostroma region, paints a different picture. A remnant of Soviet-style administration, he displays illustrated charts that boast of the school’s success and assures us that “100 percent of the students end up in high-paying, skilled-labor jobs.” In a classroom conspicuously devoid of materials, I snap a photo of Kolya, an undernourished young man with lopped off bangs and the flattened facial features common to those born with fetal alcohol syndrome. He poses proudly but without smiling—“I’m sad because my mother is an alcoholic, and besides, I come from a region where people don’t smile easily”—and tells me he is confident he’ll find a job as an interior decorator because “so many rich people from Moscow are building dachas out in the countryside now.”

Later,Yana Kotyashkina, CHC’s sponsorship coordinator, explains the realities facing these grads. “It’s not true what the director said,” she says, smiling sadly. “What really happens is that a certain factory might send the director a letter saying that 20 workers are needed. He might then send 20 students to present themselves for those jobs, but it doesn’t

heard a lot of good things from other regions about how CHC had helped them,” he tells me as we tour an orphanage he is hoping will soon be adopted by an American church.

“Our orphanage teachers can’t take the time needed to prepare such special camps as the CHC volunteers do. CHC camps have a full schedule, all of it carefully planned, and the kids are skillfully drawn into the fun so they never get bored.

It’s a totally different concept from that of the government camps where they might have one planned activity and then the kids have a lot of free time.At CHC camps the kids learn they can have fun without drugs and alcohol.Their attitude to life is changed after the camps.”

Ministry Centers Not only does CHC enjoy an influential relationship with local government bodies, but a number of former state employees are now to be found among CHC staff in Russia.

Mikhail Makhov is the former education department head who fired the unsympathetic orphanage director mentioned above. He has helped run CHC’s Ministry Center for orphan graduates in Kostroma since he left his government position in 2002.

Ministry Centers provide a safe place for orphan grads, all of whom struggle with the most rudimentary demands of survival whether they go on to tech schools or try to make it on their own at 16.At the Center in Kostroma, two floors of spacious rooms offer counseling offices, a dental clinic, recreational facilities (ping pong and pool tables), a computer lab, library, dining hall, television lounge, and seven beds in three sparse but clean rooms that serve as emergency shelter.The teens can also receive legal advice—homeless people are entitled to assistance from the government but the orphans often have no idea how to access it—and attend life-skills classes.

Comparing his 15-year government service with his current position at CHC, Makhov says, “My dream was always to get to know every kid in Kostroma region, to know how his or her life was going, but I never had enough time for that in my old job. Here I can really relate to the kids.”

He shows me a notebook in which he keeps track of each

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mean that even one of them will get a job there. Because they come from oligophrenic orphanages, it’s more likely that they will all be refused. Even if you are from an ordinary orphanage it’s very dubious whether you will get a job.

“CHC has programs to prepare kids with special needs for independent living,” continues Kotyashkina.“We provide three staff members to support them, along with a counselor and a medical worker, but even with this kind of support not all of them will find a job or be able to keep it beyond a few months’ time. Imagine growing up in an orphanage, where you only did what you were told, and suddenly you have to find a job, budget your money, and show up at work everyday—all on your own. It’s very difficult for our kids to get or to keep jobs.”

According to Kotyashkina, orphans are supposed to be assigned an apartment by the government upon their graduation from tech schools, but in reality the arrangements rarely work out.“Sometimes the apartment is already occupied, or its condition is uninhabitable, or it exists only on paper, having burned down years ago.”

The government also opens a bank account for each newly graduated orphan in which it deposits the equivalent of US$1,000.“Suddenly kids who have never owned a thing have at their disposal such a large lump sum,” says Kotyashkina.

“Most of them spend it rashly and within a short time are impoverished again. And sometimes their relatives—even parents—suddenly appear out of the woodwork as the kid turns 18 saying, ‘I love you. I’ve been waiting for you all these years...’ These kids are so impressionable and so hungry for family that they gladly spend the money on these people.”

“If it weren’t for CHC these kids would be on the streets and no one would know what they’re doing,” says Makhov, who has recently begun a data base with which to track orphan grads throughout his region. “I’m hoping the data will help open the eyes of our government to the real needs of our orphans,” including their spiritual needs, he adds.

Statistics show that without the kind of help CHC provides, 70 percent of the orphans will fall into crime or prostitution and 15 percent will commit suicide within two years of leaving the orphanage.

“Faith, hope, and love” Valya is an implausibly diminutive 20-year-old woman (pictured below, front and center) whose tiny frame hides a gargantuan faith in God.An orphan grad now in her last year of tech school, she tells me she hopes to work as a seamstress soon but that people won’t hire her.“They say I’m too small.They don’t believe I’m as old as I say I am.”

When I ask her what the Ministry Center means to her, she answers simply,“Everything.” I ask her to elaborate on that. “Hope, faith, and love,” she says.

Finding her answer slightly pat, I push a little further, asking where she would be now if it weren’t for the Center.

“Sleeping on the street, probably with a bottle tucked under my arm,” she says, matter-of-factly.

She tells me that her tech school provides no housing, and students are expected to fend for themselves.“I get the monthly orphan stipend from the government,” she explains,“but that’s just enough for food.” CHC pays for the room that she and another orphan grad rent from an elderly woman.Without that support the two girls would indeed be on the street. Chastened, I am reminded that, clearly, in matters of life and death, there is nothing pat about hope, faith, and love.

She comes to the Center as often as her schedule allows her, enjoying the safety, warmth, and fellowship she finds there. In life-skills classes she has learned many important things:“how to make friends, how to behave in society, how to love without falling in love.”

A realist, Valya (who graduated from an oligophrenic orphanage) recognizes that her future will be fraught with difficulties, but she hopes to work at the Center herself someday,“to help others as I’ve been helped.”

Family Centers Family Centers are another innovative CHC program in which six to eight boys or girls in their early teens are removed from the orphanage and placed in a home with a Christian couple.Together they live as a family until they move on to tech school or higher education.The couple teaches them family relationships, life skills, and Christian discipleship.

“The Family Center helps them to get a grasp on family

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Aiming High: An interview with CHC’s National Director, KATYA CELENINA PRISM: How do you measure the success of Children’s HopeChest?

KC: Of course we all hope and pray that the kids accept Christ. But the ultimate measure, we believe, is how successful these kids will be in creating their own Christian families. If the orphans are one day able to create and support a family, to respect themselves and their spouses, and to love their kids, it means they have survived all their traumas and acquired all the necessary skills to live a full life.And if they can run their households under the leadership of Christ then I believe we have accomplished what we’re aiming for.These are not easy things for anyone to accomplish, but when we speak of goals we should aim high!

But human beings learn by practice. How can we expect kids who are born into socially deprived, broken families and then raised in orphanages to know how to create a family? They have practiced living without families. They have never observed a healthy family—never experienced the care of a mother or father, obligations for younger siblings, or respect for their forefathers. How can we teach them and put a stop to the vicious cycle of orphans producing orphans?

CHC’s most rewarding programs are those that focus on the family. Family Centers give kids the chance to practice family life and transition into an independent life in the world. For those kids we can’t place in families, we follow them out of the orphanage and into the tech schools, maintaining long-term relationships with them, teaching and counseling them along the way.We hire Christian couples to work as mentors who visit and help the orphan grads on a regular basis with their many challenges.

PRISM: What are some of the obstacles the orphans face when trying to create their own families?

KC: We encourage our kids to choose boyfriends and girlfriends that come from strong extended families so they’ll have at least one set of parents/grandparents and their kids will have a sense of their past. In order to mature you need to do two things: understand where you’ve come from and focus on where you want to go. But orphans often can’t remember their past, which is either blocked out because of early childhood trauma or simply lost in the process of moving from one orphanage to another —without family photos or personal possessions, for example, they have nothing to help them remember who they are.

Also, they never get a chance to plan their future because the future never depends on them but on the decisions of others, often of government officials who don’t even know them or relatives who consider them a burden. So when they graduate from the orphanage they are people without a past or a future and they struggle with making decisions in the present because they simply never acquired those skills.

Another reason it is difficult for them to mature is that their social roles have been so limited in the orphanage. By the time a normal kid turns 16 he has already been a son, a grandson, a pupil, a friend, an assistant, a shopper, etc. But orphan grads have only ever been a student and a resident. So their social vocabulary is very limited.

PRISM: What can you tell us about the label “oligophrenic”?

KC: Children who have been neglected or abused for a long period of time sometimes cannot develop normally and so are suspected of being “oligophrenic,” which comes from the Greek for “small-brained.”They are assessed by a team of pediatricians, psychologists, and educators who decide whether or not they can study in a mainstream educational system. Often these children are not mentally deficient at all but suffering from post-traumatic stress, however: they are misdiagnosed and sent to oligophrenic institutions.

It is possible, if you have a fervent advocate, to have this label removed. The director at Lukhtonovo orphanage, an oligophrenic boarding school in Vladimir region that is sponsored by Concord Church of Beaver Falls, Pa., has a wonderful director who provides special educational programs aimed at helping kids overcome trauma and advance in their development.

Her kids also work with domestic animals and gardening, which are very effective in dealing with attachment disorders and stress.

When we started working in that orphanage in 1995, we were amazed at how open and well meaning the 20 children there were, and how quickly they learned English.Today, because of the efforts of that director, who goes every other year to have the children reassessed, about 15 of them have had the diagnosis reversed. A couple of them have graduated from community college and one—who is now in his third year of university—plans to be a principal in the kind of orphanage he grew up in.We try to share this director’s experience with others. Love and care have made the difference.

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life, to advance in their education, and eventually to find an apartment of their own,” explains Davis.“It provides a safety net for when they go out into the world. If we could afford to put every kid in a Family Center we would, but it’s hard to find sponsors who are willing to pay the US$120 a month that it costs to place each child with a family.”

A vibrant Christian with a passion for orphans, Yelena Kharitonova is a former Communist Party leader and orphanage director who, after piloting a host of CHC programs through her orphanage, finally joined CHC as national program director in 1999. According to Kharitonova, many of the kids who grow out of the Family Centers end up coming “home” to them for the holidays, finding there a stability and base that orphanages can never offer.

Started in conjunction with the State, the Family Center program is one of CHC’s most recent and successful ones.

One orphanage in Vladimir region has seen 49 of its children placed in foster care with loving Christian couples.

CHC also provides each Family Center with a counselor who makes regular visits to check on everyone’s emotional health and offer any support that might be needed. “We’ve seen lots of success,” enthuses Kharitonova,“with these kids getting accepted into community colleges and universities —that is very unusual for orphans.”

Valentina and Vyacheslav Suvorov are house parents at the Family Center in Galich. “We feel like a family and the children consider us their parents,” says Valentina.Along with the couple’s own 10-year-old son, the six foster sons houseclean, shop, and attend church with the Suvorovs, and in every way consider themselves a family bound by love and duty.“We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary,” adds Valentina. “The boys know they’re safe and secure here.”

the kids as troublemakers. ‘What difference can I make?’ they say to themselves. ‘They’re the offspring of prostitutes and criminals—it’s their heritage.’ But we try to show the teachers that the children are made in the image of God and that they possess gifts and great potential.”

Kotyashkina, who at only 24 is a capable young woman charged with overseeing all church sponsorships, has observed firsthand the trickle-down effects of CHC’s ministry to orphans. “In one orphanage both the staff and the kids had been so neglected by the government for so long that when they saw how we showered love onto even the so-called oligophrenic kids, they began to treat the children better.

Eventually even the community seemed to catch on and began offering clothing to the orphanage.

“They responded to the gospel, too,” continues Kotyashkina. “Well over half of the orphanage staff now attend our Bible studies, and they encourage the kids to attend, too. It’s amazing, given that these people were all raised under Soviet rule and taught that God doesn’t exist.”

Amazing indeed. During our visit to the sponsored orphanages, I noticed several subtle but encouraging signs that seven decades of Communist rule cannot wipe out 10 centuries of vibrant church history. At Sudai, teachers read from the Gospel of Luke while the orphans reenacted the Christmas story for our visiting group.When I complimented a young girl on her beautiful red dress, she beamed at me, saying, “I love red because it’s the color of Jesus’ blood that he shed for me!” Every CHC staff member I met, from the college-aged disciplers to the most senior staff member, demonstrated a deep and steadfast reliance on their Savior, the kind of quietly mature faith that comes from following Christ in a culture where it is unpopular to do so.

Faith is fundamental to the kind of work CHC does. As Makhov puts it,“If I didn’t have faith, I wouldn’t be here.

There are no random people working in places like this.”

The challenges CHC staff face, especially those who work directly with the children, would be overwhelming without divine help.

According to a 1998 Human Rights Watch report, roughly 95 percent of the children in Russia’s state institutions are considered “social orphans,” a term broadly used to include abandoned or abused children with one or both living parents.

These include children of parents who have relinquished or been denied parental rights, which means that many of the children CHC deals with are deeply traumatized, yet many of the state orphanages cannot afford the services of psychologists and counselors.

Young as they are, CHC’s disciplers often find that the Continued on page 21.

Transforming the culture “It is one of our greatest ambitions to change the culture inside the orphanages,” says Celenina. “Of course, as a nonprofit Christian organization we have very little say as to what should or shouldn’t be done.We can only offer our help and show the results. Those staff members who really want to help the kids, to care for them not only in the present moment but to prepare them for life beyond orphanage, are eager to learn from us.”

While the financial resources that CHC can offer make a difference, Celenina believes the educational and spiritual resources are what ultimately transform life in an orphanage.

“There is such a need for spiritual growth not only for kids but also for the teachers, who work with them daily and often lose hope and cannot see the kids as God desires them to be,” she explains.“It’s actually easier on the staff if they view

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a person begins to establish a new “normal” life. One crucial step in coming back from trauma is to choose life—in King’s words, to choose creativity over bitterness.

This choice is crucial because suffering is often disempowering.We have no choice but to experience death, sickness, disease, crime, or misfortune when they assault us. In the process of healing, however, we are given opportunities to make healthy, empowering choices. For example, we can choose how to experience certain aspects of a painful situation—escaping through denial or distraction or engaging deeply as students of whatever pain may teach.We can also choose what to do with our difficulties in the long run—burying them, trying to avoid future sufferings, or harnessing the energy of our personal struggle in order to effect positive change in the world.

King concluded that though many find the cross to be a

stumbling block or foolishness, he was “more convinced than ever before that it is the power of God unto social and individual salvation. “Even we who believe in the saving power of the cross sometimes consider suffering to be a stumbling block in our quest for the good life or to be foolish in its meaninglessness and bleakness. Jesus’ death on the cross was a necessary part of his resurrection and the world’s redemption.

Likewise our sufferings can become part of a larger story of blessing and redemption for our lives and for our world. ■

“There Is No Plan B” continued from page 17.

our departure, laughing as they finally broke apart and waving until we were out of sight.As we left these orphanages I felt heavy-hearted, but the regret was as much for myself as for the children: I realized I would miss these little people.

At the other orphanages, however, I experienced something completely different.The children hung back as we visited their rooms; they had difficulty answering my questions, looking each time to their caregivers as if frightened of saying the wrong thing.“Would you like to learn to speak English or work on a computer?” we asked a group of young teens. “That would be a waste of time,” a teacher answered for them immediately. “These children will never be more than manual laborers—why teach them skills they will never be able to use?”

Here, too, I felt heavy-hearted upon our departure, but this time my sadness was for the children only. I had made no meaningful contacts here that I would cherish for months to come. Not valued by the adults in their lives, the children did not value themselves enough to want to share themselves with us, nor had they been permitted to do so.

How radically different from those small but brave souls we met at the CHC-sponsored orphanages who had learned to open their hearts to others, to engage in trusting friendships, and to give of themselves. That, surely, is the greatest hope any of us can offer to an orphan: the chance to receive love, yes, but also the chance to give oneself to others and be accepted. ■

Jenell Williams Paris is an associate professor of anthropology at Bethel College in St. Paul, Minn. She is co-author of Urban Disciples: A Beginner’s Guide to Serving God in the City (Judson Press, 2000) and author of Birth Control for Christians: Making Wise Choices (Baker Book House, 2003).

immediate needs of a situation require them to offer counseling. Says Kotyashkina, “At Soligalich orphanage, where I started as a discipler, I was hearing eight kids out of 10 saying they hated themselves and didn’t want to live. I began to understand the level of abuse that they had experienced and realized something must be done. One day I handed the kids in my group a mirror and asked them to look at themselves and find one thing—their beautiful eyes or their lovely smile —and to thank God out loud for that one thing. I lacked training but I felt the Holy Spirit guiding me that day.” It proved to be a turning point for the group.

Kotyashkina tells of a girl who, when she first came to the orphanage, insisted on sleeping under the bed. “Her mother had always brought men home for sex,” she explains, “and made the child sleep under the bed. So she thought beds were only for sex and was terrified of sleeping in one.”

Prayerfully and lovingly, they succeeded in helping the girl overcome her fear and to embrace the care the orphanage and CHC staff offered her.

During my visit I was able to visit three orphanages in which CHC is actively involved as well as two that have yet to establish relationships with the organization.The children at the sponsored institutions met us with joyful enthusiasm and ready affection.They answered my questions eagerly and recited poetry or sang into my tape recorder, giggling with delighted disbelief as I replayed their voices for them.They followed us out to the bus as we prepared to leave, showering us with hugs, and at one orphanage even formed a human chain to block

To find out how your church can adopt an orphanage, or to learn about individual sponsorships for orphan grads, go to www.hopechest.org or call 800.648.9575.

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WITHOUT BLINDERS: Ethical considerations in international adoptions

BY ANTON FLORES

and social justice. However, living a God-honoring life is not without its complications. It was not until we had already committed to adopting Jairo and our bond to him was already formed that we learned of the existence of a vocal community of activists opposed to foreign adoptions of children from developing countries like Guatemala.

The number of families from industrialized countries (mostly North America and Europe) adopting children from primarily less-industrialized countries is growing at an astronomical rate.Taking the United States as an example, we see that in 1992 American families adopted 6,472 children from foreign lands; in 1997 that number nearly doubled to 12,743; and in 2002 the numbers swelled to 20,099.

But Leslie Doty Hollingsworth, associate professor of social work at the University of Michigan, contends that international adoptions are not only the result of social injustice but also that this injustice directly benefits families of industrialized nations. In a recent journal article (“International Adoption Among Families in the United States: Considerations of Social Justice,” Social Work, April 2003), Hollingsworth accurately describes the historical development of international adoptions as resulting from various factors, including wars (World War II, the Korean War), poverty (Central and South America), the fall of communism (Eastern Europe), and oppressive governmental policies (China).

The director of an orphanage in Guatemala once lamented to me that she prays for the day when adoption agencies will no longer seek out children for families but instead seek out families for children.The difference may be subtle, but it is nonetheless significant. In the latter scenario, the child’s needs are central to the adoption; in the former, the prospec-

My eldest son, Jairo, is a joy to his parents. He’s creative like his father, sensitive like his mother, and energetic like all 5year-old boys. But Jairo was not born into our family.The youngest of three children born to a poor, indigenous woman in the highlands of Guatemala, just across the border from Chiapas, Mexico, Jairo joined our family in 2000.

Adopting Jairo was a transformational experience for my wife and me, the result of several years of deliberation and prayer. Holding to a consistent-life ethic, we found ourselves growing weary of the endless debates about abortion and longed to find a new position that would not only incarnate our convictions but also act as a bridge between two polarized communities. Adoption seemed like the answer to our prayers.

We believe that if members of the “pro-choice” community argue that a woman has the right to choose whether— or not—to abort a fetus, then they also have a moral responsibility to care for children whose mothers choose to make them available for adoption.We also believe that if members of the “pro-life” community argue that a woman should never willingly terminate a pregnancy, then they, too, have an ethical obligation to care for children whose mothers cannot or will not raise them. We believe that by being both “pro-child” and “pro-adoption” we can demonstrate an alternative perspective that unites these two polarized factions.

Furthermore, the concept of adoption resonates with our Christian faith. Scripture clearly paints a picture of believers being adopted into the family of God. And so the idea of adopting a child not only became a compelling desire for us but also struck us as a calling from God. We felt God was leading us to have both biological and adopted children and that adoption was a perfect way to merge spiritual obedience

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that, in spite of this egregious state of affairs, there exists a way to bring together the macro-perspective advocates, who rightly insist upon eradicating institutional social ills, and those who hold the micro-perspective, that adoption rescues a child from what would quite likely be a life of abject poverty in a substandard orphanage. Within the field of adoption, that way is through the promotion of ethical adoptions.

What exactly is meant by the term “ethical adoptions,” and how can a couple ensure that their adoption is ethical? Ethica, Inc. (www.ethicanet.org) is an advocacy group whose sole mission is the advancement of ethical adoption services.

According to Ethica, ethical adoption services would employ the following strategies: • Hold family preservation as a priority • Provide birth-family counseling and advocacy • Require adequate pre-adoption training for adoptive parents • Engage in ethical placement practices • Provide post-adoption services and recognize their lifelong responsibilities to the adoptive family and child.

tive parents’ desires are considered foremost. An increasing number of single adults and same-sex couples are choosing to adopt children. In addition, we must not forget about the growing number of people, such as my wife and myself, who are what a Guatemalan Embassy official termed “humanitarian” adoptive families, a group of families that he nonetheless insists only perpetuate the problem for the poorest in Guatemala.

That belief is based on the opinion that international adoption has become big business in Guatemala, and therefore the laws of supply and demand apply to Guatemalan adoptions. If people continue to demand Guatemalan children, a supply will be found—regardless of ethics or law. Consider that the average annual income in Guatemala is only US$1,640 and that the female income in urban Guatemala is only 55 percent of her male counterpart’s. When the typical adoption in that country costs about US$24,000, the enticement for wrongdoing is obvious and the ground for corruption is fertile. Even a cursory look into adoption issues reveals that allegations abound of Guatemalan children being “bought” from their birthmothers for as little as US$300 by exploitive adoption professionals. International human rights organizations like UNICEF and Casa Alianza have, for years, decried the inhumanities that poor Guatemalan families have had to endure while Guatemalan officials (real or alleged) involved in the adoption “business” unscrupulously amass wealth by manipulating the misery of a largely indigenous community.

A case in point: It is estimated that approximately 200 attorneys in Guatemala work in the field of adoption, resulting in a US$60-million-a-year business for these attorneys.With 98 percent of all Guatemalan adoptees going to international families, skeptics refer to that country’s children as one of its most valuable exports.

In view of these facts, can an international adoption ever be ethical? Can an adoption from a country like Guatemala —the fourth most popular country for Americans seeking to adopt (after China, Russia, and South Korea) and the one that provides the greatest number of children per capita for adoption in the United States—ever meet the standards of a justice-loving Christian?

A child becomes an orphan largely because of structural evils that we as a global society refuse to address. Civil and international wars, famines, corrupt governments, the subjugation of women and children, and pure greed are all complicit.

International adoptees are, in large part, the result of the exploitation of the world’s poorest families, and they come to our homes all too frequently via the despicable practices of child abduction and trafficking.

Given this situation, should Christians abandon the notion of adopting a child internationally? I would like to suggest

In the following section I will expand upon Ethica’s views and suggest concrete ways that prospective families can ensure that they are engaging in an ethical adoption.

PRE-ADOPTION 1. Select the best agency possible.

First, contact the state licensing office in each of the states where this agency is licensed and inquire about any complaints filed against the agency. Ask how long the agency has been licensed in that state. Although it can be time-consuming, every state should be checked to give an overall perspective of the agency’s track record.To find the corresponding licensing agencies, go to the website of the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (http://www.calib.com/naic).

Second, contact the Better Business Bureau in the state where your agency is located and see if any complaints have been filed against it there.

Third, use the Internet to investigate. Join online discussion groups with others seeking to adopt, both from your agency and from the country you are considering.This provides not only wonderful support throughout the process but also insider information on possible problems you may encounter along the way. Every agency will have problems; however, one should consider the frequency and severity of the problems that come to your attention.

Finally, do not assume that just because an agency calls itself “Christian” that it operates in an ethical fashion.Above all, adoptive parents should want to know that the child they now claim as their own has arrived to them in as ethical and

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legal a manner as possible.While these steps may seem cumbersome, consider it a labor of love.

formation. Second, we have begun to purchase only fairtrade coffee from Guatemalan cooperatives so as to ensure that the women and children who work the fields receive a greater share of the profits.Third, through LaGrange College, where I serve on the faculty, I will be hosting an exhibit and lecture by Nancy McGirr and her organization FotoKids.

FotoKids helps children in some of the poorest communities of Guatemala by providing them with training in photography, videography, and graphic design. Scholarships are also provided to offer these students a quality, private education in Guatemala. Finally, I have partnered with Central American Study and Service (CASAS), a program of the Latin American Anabaptist Seminary in Guatemala City, to create an immersion experience in Guatemala that explores the economic and human rights issues affecting its children. By seeking to be a tool for economic development in the developing country of your child’s origin you may find yourself being a prophetic voice for God’s shalom.

2. Consult with your home country’s embassy, located in your prospective child’s country.

Ask the agencies you are considering partnering with to provide you with the names and contact information of the foreign staff that you will be relying upon to complete the adoption process in their country; most specifically you should get the name and contact information of your foreign attorney. Contact the unit responsible for issuing visas in your country’s embassy and inform them of your intentions to adopt a child from that country. Next, share with them the name of the attorney that potentially will be representing you in that country.While the embassy cannot share detailed information nor can they recommend an attorney, they should be able to tell you if they have received complaints or if they have concerns about the indicated attorney. If so, you should seek another attorney and possibly another agency.

2. Keep your child connected to her homeland.

In addition to travel, decorate your child’s room with authentic articles from her birth country. Read to your child books, folktales, legends, and other stories that originate from her country. Let the traditional and contemporary music of that country fill your home.

3. Learn about the socio-political realities of your prospective child’s country.

Acknowledge that adoption is more than a transaction between a family and a child and that it also means the adoption of the child’s culture and environment of origin. Learn about the conditions that have led to the creation of orphans in your prospective child’s country.What are the realities of children and women living in that country?

3. Befriend not only other adoptive families but also individuals and families from your child’s home country.

Many adoptive families seek out other adoptive families to build friendships. But don’t stop there—seek out other families that are of the same ethnic background as your child.

My family joined a Hispanic church immediately upon adopting Jairo, and that has been an important move for us. Now he interacts on a regular basis with children and adults primarily from Mexico and his homeland of Guatemala. I am Puerto Rican, but the contact with Central Americans and Mexicans through our church has allowed all of us to learn a great deal more about our son’s culture and provide him access to his ancestral roots through a wonderful Christian environment.

In conclusion, adoption can be a wonderful gift both to children and to families. Indeed, adoption is at the very heart of who God is. It is now incumbent upon all of us to elevate our current adoption industry by engaging in ethical adoptions. ■

POST-ADOPTION 1. Regularly contribute to an economic-development organization in your child’s country.

Once again, an ethical adoption is one that understands the complexities of our global existence and the creation of orphans from both a micro- and macro-perspective.All of us living in the wealthiest nations should consider our obligation to our poorer neighbors; however, I believe an extra responsibility befalls those of us who adopt a child from one of those poor countries.As adoptive families we must do what we can to reduce the number of orphans in our child’s native country.

The U.S. Department of State estimates that in Guatemala alone there are approximately 200,000 orphans.To apply this concept, my wife and I have implemented four new actions into our family life. First, through World Vision we have begun to sponsor a little boy from Guatemala who is the same age as Jairo. Doing this not only enables our son to grow up with a pen pal from his homeland whom he will one day visit, but it also allows us to help a child remain with his family while receiving quality healthcare, education, and spiritual

Anton Flores (aflores@lagrange.edu) is assistant professor and chair of the department of human services at LaGrange College in LaGrange, Ga. He and his wife, Charlotte, have two sons, Jairo (5) and Eli (1).

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Changing the Hearts of Fathers Helping dads c h eris h t h eir da u g h ters

by Heather Loring

“We need to study, to eat, to play, and we need your love.

We are no strangers, we are your daughters.”

Poverty is the main constraint these fathers face, but, explains Moreno, “there are three boys for every girl going to school, and many of these boys are also from poor families. In India, not much of an effort is made to send girls to school, because they are considered paraya dhan — “somebody else’s property”— their future husband’s, to be exact, to whom they are married off as soon as possible. Sometimes the girls are kept at home to take care of younger siblings or relatives, to cook and clean, and, in the worst cases, for sexual and labor exploitation outside the home. “Their fathers are, for the most part, the sole decision-makers about whether girls go to school or not.”

With a goal of treating each girl and her father as individuals who need to be heard, Moreno says he finds that men really do care. “I ask them, ‘If it was up to you, apart from other constraints, would you bring your daughter to school?’

Often the response is a resounding ‘yes.’”

FADA uses, among other resources, a father-daughter documentary (available at FatherandDaughter.org) as an “educational tool to soften the hearts of men to show the longing

Lines sung by three young girls to their fathers at a meeting of the Father and Daughter Alliance in New Delhi Pedro Moreno isn’t interested in growing the organization he founded — but he does want to spread his passion. That passion is to see fathers and daughters link arms to improve education for young women around the world. The Father and Daughter Alliance (FADA) is already making an impact in India, where, in partnership with NGOs and government officials in Delhi, it is engaged in an initiative to bring girls to school by involving their fathers. Other countries that FADA is targeting include Afghanistan, which has a female literacy rate of only 21 percent, Benin (23 percent), Yemen (30 percent), and Guatemala (63 percent).

But girls in developing nations aren’t the only ones who need increased involvement from their dads in order to make the most of their lives. “There are 24 million kids in the US living without a father,” says Moreno,“and half of them are girls, many of whom will never see their father again.” Even when fathers are present in the home, many are not actively involved, he says. “They’re watching TV or reading the paper; they don’t connect.” Moreno sees this as the same neglect that prevails around the world. So whether in the US or India, FADA hosts father-daughter dessert and game events to encourage them to connect and get to know each other.

FADA wants to see men become champions for women’s education. “Rather than trying to change centuries-old traditions,” explains the FADA website, “we work on changing the attitude of every father toward his daughter.” FADA seeks to give girls primary education and access to the same opportunities as their male counterparts. Each additional year of schooling can increase a girl’s earning potential over the span of her lifetime. When fathers make school a priority, they create a brighter future for their daughters.

Dads and daughters from the Sanjay slum in New Delhi gather to celebrate the girls’ education — and each other.

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Creating a healthy, interlocking cycle: Girls who go to school are more confident and capable; and their fathers enjoy them more. Girls whose fathers cherish them are more likely to go to school — and to succeed there. of a girl’s heart for her father even to her death,” explains Moreno. “I don’t care about the brain; I want to appeal to their hearts.”

Fathers’ capacity to change their hearts and minds toward their daughters encourages Moreno — and it parallels his own experience as well. “My opinions on women and education have most definitely evolved over time. I grew up in Latin America, a very macho-dominated society where — still, to a large extent — women are seen as instruments, not really given respect or consideration, much less equality. I have a daughter, and one day I was thinking, ‘As long as she’s pretty and knows how to cook and finds a good husband’— the caveman thing. Then I caught myself, because she deserves more than that from her father. We should not tolerate the mediocrity of low expectations. I want her to have a bachelor’s degree and maybe a master’s, whatever she wants to do, but I don’t want her to be stuck without options.”

An international expert on social policy and economic mobility, Moreno says, “I’ve changed in my professional work with women and families, seeing the reality and importance of having women as equals treated with dignity and respect.

My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and she has helped me to see things differently over time. As women grow, men grow, and we all become better.”

Last year the pilot program in Delhi brought to school 20 girls from the city’s Sanjay slum with the support of their fathers. A fathers’ association meets monthly for two hours.

The father-daughter pairs share handcraft activities so they can slow down, observe each other, and get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, thoughts and dreams.

According to Moreno, the girls are noticeably more hopeful and excited after beginning classes, and the changes are evident to their families. Fathers say, “My daughter is motivated now — both here in school and at home.” They see the change and realize that it’s good for everyone.

Men respect women more when they see them as competent and self-confident. Says Moreno, “I have known many successful women who have extremely supportive and involved fathers.” Involved fathers promote successful, confident young women. n

F ather knows b est A recent survey of the fathers involved in New Delhi’s FADA program solicited feedback from the men, and included the following comments: “[My daughter] is very happy in going to school, because now she doesn’t have to do household work and can learn new things with other girls. In the house we are not able to spend time with her, so she feels happy at school.”

Bharat Singh

Heather Loring is a recent graduate of Eastern University in St. Davids, Pa., where she received her bachelor’s in sociology. Active in Evangelicals for Social Action, she is passionate about racial reconciliation and gender equality.

“I would like to promote the education of other nonschool-going girl children, because now I know the importance of education. As I experience changes and development in my girl, I can share it with others and motivate them for educating their children.”

Surendar Prasad

Fatherhood Begins at Home!

What are you and/or the men in your life doing to father children well?

Check out these excellent resources for dads, and work on your main fathering skill — simply being there — today.

“I want my child to become a good teacher, doctor, or any other good position as per her desire. I want that my daughters should earn good income by a dignified job and should be empowered to work in the community.”

Ashok Kumar

Fathers for Good (Fathersforgood.org) National Center for Fathering (Fathers.com) National Fatherhood Initiative (Fatherhood.org) National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse (Fatherhood.gov)

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Faithful Citizenship H arold D ean T r u lear

Relational Restoration

the chest with an accompanying, “Now sit down — 13 more years and you’re going to get the hell out of my house!”

The mother then rehearsed for a matronly seatmate the difficulty of rising each morning at 5 a.m., feeding and dressing her children, taking them to school on It was a gray winter morning, but the public transit, going to work on the families — mostly women and young same, working, then repeating the cycle children — braved the chill and assem- in reverse. It was clear that she needed bled dutifully for another Sunday service the support of a network like the one at Praise and Glory Tabernacle (PGT), at PGT. located at the end of an alley of garages In their rush to “fix folk,” many conin Southwest Philadelphia. gregations offer specialized ministries for Children of all ages are expected to children, singles, couples, etc. that too sit through the service, as opposed to often consist of classroom sessions of bibbeing ushered out for children’s church lical information poured into the head/ or Sunday school.While the church does heart of needy individuals. Then, after have special programs for children as several verses of singing “I need you, you well as a dedicated Sunday for them to need me, we’re all a part of God’s body,” lead worship, Rev. Philip Whiteside we go our separate ways to rehearse the believes that Christian education is the stressful situations that can lead to punchresponsibility of the parents.“It’s impor- ing and cursing out a 5-year-old. tant for children to learn the same things Single mothers under duress don’t as their parents,” he explains, “and that need another class; they need another set means they learn to do what their par- of arms, ears, feet, and anything else that ents do in church. And then the parents’ serious Christian fellowship can provide role is to go home and reinforce what to ease the burden. With 70 percent of they all learned in church.” births to young African American women Sunday after Sunday, those children occurring out of wedlock, the challenge offer testimonials during the regular of building strong relationships heightservice alongside their mothers, often ens, because the children themselves are thanking God for their mothers’ guid- products of a relational malaise. ance or that of another woman in the Freda Robinson specializes in helping church who is “like another mother to women build the right kinds of relationme.” The women call each other, visit ships through making sound decisions. each other, and provide a network of A single mother herself, she once told her support for one another both in and son, “You are not living in my house beyond church. They text each other selling drugs.” But after his arrest, she words of encouragement, open their was charged with being a co-conspirator homes for collect calls from incarcer- in his drug trade for making a phone ated relatives, and provide an extended call to collect a debt for him to pay his family culture for each other and their bail. Her 10 years in the federal prison children. system brought her face to face with a I thought about those women last number of young women whose relamonth when I saw a 5-year-old riding the tional “errors” had landed them in a bus with his mother. He was defiantly situation far worse than sitting with an fidgety, ignoring her admonitions to sit obstinate kindergartner on a crowded quietly. Finally she punched him flush in city bus.

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Now released from federal prison, Robinson operates the Baltimore-based National Women’s Prison Project (NWPP),which mentors younger women returning from incarceration, teaching them spiritual principles and identifying and helping with tangible needs.

NWPP’s work is relationally based because, says Robinson, “I learned how the company you keep is so important. That’s what I tell the young girls who want to be known as a ‘drug dealer’s girl.’ I met many of them in prison — and they weren’t getting visits from the boyfriends either.”

Robinson’s ministry also coordinates a congregation-based reentry program for several churches in the Baltimore area on behalf of the Christian Association for Prisoner Aftercare, a national network of prisoner reentry ministries. In all of her work, building and strengthening relationships is critical. “Mothers are still mothers behind prison walls. They still love and worry about their children.They want to know what kind of grades they are making, how they are growing up, how their day went.” Robinson runs support groups for these women, both during and after incarceration, because she knows that the stresses they face can be handled through proper support. She wants congregations to offer the same support to these women, and she helps churches to do just that.

I think of her when I see the mothers and children at my church — not split up into “age sensitive” ministries but worshipping, learning, and loving together. They are relationships that extend beyond the Sunday service and offer a needed challenge to the informationbased culture that seeks to fix everything with a “word.” n Harold Dean Trulear teaches at Howard University School of Divinity and consults for the Annie E. Casey Foundation’s Faith and Families Portfolio.

In Like Manner…the Women E li z a b eth D . R ios

The Single Pursuit

pendent organization, its foundation is one based on the gospel and its model could easily be replicated by any church.

What do the Scriptures say about one-parent families? There’s not a lot of Thirty percent of US families are head- room for debate or confusion! “You shall ed by single parents — over 12 million of not afflict any widow or fatherless child. them moms and nearly 4 million dads. If you afflict them in any way and they But because 95 percent of single-parent cry at all to me, I will surely hear their cry families do not attend church regularly, and my wrath will become hot,” says these people represent a huge untapped the Lord in Exodus 22:22-24 (see also Deuteronomy 14:28-29, Psalm 68:5, mission field for the church.

That’s why I was so excited to meet Psalm 82:3, and Psalm 146:9). Although Tonya Hilson. Raised by a single mom some may think that helping a “widow” and herself a single mom, Hilson knows is not the same as helping a single parall too well the struggle, feelings of inad- ent, the Greek word chera used in this equacy, and isolation that single parents context is interpreted as a deficiency, a experience. Determined to do something woman lacking a husband in one way about it, she launched Hagar’s Resource or another.

Center in Memphis,Tenn., in 2001, with a vision to “help and encourage single The church must recognize mothers to live a better life.” and address the needs of According to Hilson, single parents single parents, and I don’t share a wide range of needs, from finding affordable and safe housing to obtaining mean just mentioning them quality childcare; they need help mainin a sermon on how their taining their property and car, budgeting children are doomed! and managing their money, continuing their education or getting job training, As a pastor I know that many churches, accessing medical care and food and clothing as well as spiritual and emotional due to limited volunteers and resources, support, and finding time to take care of cater to the majority groups in their conthemselves. Hagar’s assists single parents gregations, which often leaves single parents with most of these needs, serving between feeling left out. But even small and simple acts can make a big difference. Consider 25 and 35 families in any given month.

The demands and experiences com- the following practical ideas: mon to single parents can create a state of chronic stress, so an ongoing holistic care • Call and include. If a church activity is appropriate for single parents, take a plan is essential to making a difference. minute to call and invite them, so that The body of Christ is well situated to they know they are welcome. Offer come alongside single parents, welcoming them a ride to and from the activity. and supporting them in a significant way that supplements help provided by governmental institutions. The church must • Offer to take their kids out for a day or even a few hours. While single parents love recognize and address their issues, and I their kids as much as any parent, time don’t mean just mentioning them in a alone is precious and can feel like gold. sermon that focuses on how their children are doomed! Although Hagar’s Resource Center is not affiliated with any church • Put out the welcome mat officially. Let your community and church know you value or denomination but operates as an indePRISM 2009

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these folks and their kids. Speak to them directly from the pulpit. Mention them in your flyers and ads.

•P ay for something. Money is tight for single parents. Offer to pay a utility bill or buy new shoes for the kids. Invite them out — even if you just go out for a burger or ice cream cones, it will make their day! Or drop off a bag of groceries, making sure it includes some of the items that people on a very tight budget might be tempted to skimp on — fresh fruit, quality soap, healthy snacks.

•O ffer to do a maintenance check or service.

Check the oil in their car or mow their lawn. Little but important things like these, which tend to get neglected when people have too much on their plate, can take a big load off their minds.

•H ave at least one class and one fellowship event per month for the single parents.

Remember that having a singles ministry is not the same as having a singleparents’ fellowship. Single parents have a different focus and set of needs.You’ll be surprised how much a hamburger cookout will uplift their spirits.

We may not all be able to begin fullfledged programs or organizations, but we can all do something to make single parents feel loved and welcomed. At the very least we can pray for and support people like Tonya Hilson, whose single pursuit is to bless single parents and expose this mission field to Christ. n To learn more about Hagar’s Resource Center visit HagarsResourceCenter.org.

Rev. Dr. Liz Rios (lizrios.com) is a wife, mother, teacher, pastor (SavetheNations.com), author, and consultant. As founder of the Center for Emerging Female Leadership (ceflonline.com), she empowers, encourages, and educates women who impact home, church, and society.

RON SIDER

Can We Recover the Three-Generation Family?

we moved 500 miles away from our Canadian farm community when we felt called to live and work in Philadelphia.

Arbutus and I went “home” to Ontario twice a year, so our children knew and loved their grandparents, but it was a vastly different, far less intimate and formative relationship than Arbutus and I enjoyed with ours.

Recently, while flying back to Philadelphia, I talked with a young father Three-generation families used to be the who had just moved his family back to the norm. Grandpa and Grandma lived close Philadelphia area. The reason? Because by and saw their grandchildren regularly, he and his wife wanted their children to provided free childcare to grateful par- live close to their grandparents. I didn’t ents, and helped in a thousand ways to ask him if his new job paid as well as the one he left, but whether it did or not, I shape the lives of their grandchildren.

My maternal grandparents lived on the think they made the right choice. Is a few other side of our farmhouse when I was thousand dollars’ income a year really more a young boy and later in the little town important for children than growing up two miles away. Regularly, my grandpa with loving grandparents? sat me on his lap and sang “Sweet Little Ronnie Boy.”When I grew a little older, A close relationship with he took me fishing and asked me to help one’s grandchildren is more him mow the grass at the small local high precious than the joys of school where he did maintenance. Often retiring in Florida or Arizona.

I listened to his unique testimony during “testimony time” at church. I never knew In my last column, “Weeping with Dad’s father, who was killed in a farm accident before I was born. But Grandpa (the) Trinity,” I told you about what a Cline lived a wonderful model. It was the special bond developed between Arbutus gentle, powerful way that he shaped my and me and our little granddaughter Trinity life and faith that now inspires my own while she and her parents lived with us during our daughter’s student teaching. efforts to be a good grandpa.

Today, unfortunately, very few chil- The wonderful sequel is that our daughter dren spend that kind of quality time with and son-in-law have just bought a house their grandparents. Often divorce divides across the street. So Arbutus and I enjoy families and complicates grandparenting. hours every week with our little darling.

Our other three grandchildren live in The mobility of our society separates grandparents and their grandchildren Pittsburgh. I wish they, too, were across because they live in different parts of the the street, but Arbutus and I drive 300 state, country, or world.We all understand miles to Pittsburgh at least every three the changes in contemporary society that months for a long weekend.At the end of have produced this result. Missionaries have a two-day weekend together at a state park, to live in other lands. Specialized educa- I told our oldest (6-year-old) grandtional and professional opportunities daughter, Ana, that I wished she lived in seldom pop up next door to our parents’ Philadelphia. Her prompt reply: “I wish you lived in Pittsburgh.” homes.

Good friends of ours in Philadelphia Our children did not come to know their grandparents the way we did, because have developed another approach. Most PRISM 2009

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of their grandchildren live near Boston.

Now retired, they have chosen to spend about three months of every summer living near their grandchildren in a little apartment attached to the house of one of their sons.

Finances often require a return to threegeneration family life. Many elderly folk cannot afford to live in a retirement home, or their health prevents them from staying in their own home. Depending on the personality and grace of all three generations, this arrangement can be challenging — or even terribly difficult. But it can also be a blessing and joy for everyone.

There is a lot to be said in favor of recovering the older model of threegeneration families.When grandparents live on the other side of the wall or across the street, they have a wonderful opportunity to support their children and bless their grandchildren. Actually, it is hard to know who is blessed more — grandchild or grandparent.That relationship is certainly more precious than the joys of retiring in Florida or Arizona.

Since children need their grandparents, we will all have to make important choices.

Some children will move their families back “home” to where grandparents live.

Some grandparents can move to where their children and grandchildren live.

Some can spend summers with grandchildren, and others can make frequent weekend trips.

I recently talked with Dr. William Shaw, past president of the National Baptist Convention, about our grandchildren.

He has been close to a granddaughter who is now in her later teens. A bit wistfully, I asked if it is possible for Grandpa to have good open conversation about important issues when a grandchild reaches that age.

I hope and pray that when my little granddaughters are in their later teens, I can answer as clearly as he did: “Oh, yes.”

It takes time, effort, and hard choices.

But three-generation families — or some reasonably similar arrangement — are well worth the effort. n

KINGDOM ETHICS D a v id p. G u shee

What Kind of People Succeed in Marriage?

It’s summertime, and the wedding magazines are everywhere. It seems time to consider once more the issue of marriage.

Marriage reveals and tests character.

It shows you who you are and who your partner is, in all your glory and in all your weakness.

Every marriage book or conference offers discussion of issues like communication, intimacy building, romance, conflict resolution, and so on. Most offer tested techniques and skills aimed at success in these arenas.

This is all very important, and yet there is another level that goes beneath all these techniques and skills and moves to the pivotal question of character. We can gain the right knowledge about what works and what doesn’t in these various areas. But we have to become the kind of people who have the core capacity to succeed in marriage. And this cannot be taught in a marriage seminar.

But here Christian faith does have particular insight. The Bible teaches us that we are God’s wonderful creation, made in his image and much beloved by him.

He made us full of capacities for relationship, love, reflection, growth, and change.

But the Bible also says that we are damaged, that the world is fallen, that nothing in the world is untouched by sin. It goes on to say that, in Christ, healing is possible.

There can be restoration toward what we were made to be.

Creation-Fall-Redemption is what this pattern is called in Christian theology.

And it is very clear from scripture and hard experience that the redemption process is never complete in this life. We can make

progress — but it never ceases to be a struggle, and we remain painfully imperfect all the days of our life.

So those heading to the altar this summer will do well to remember each day that your new spouse is a good yet fallen creature, who with God’s help is struggling toward being their best self but often falling short. And of you, too, this is true. Remembering this can help create a basic posture toward yourself, your spouse, and your marriage that simultaneously aims for excellence while being unsurprised at mistakes and failures.

I suggest that perhaps the first attribute of the “kind of people who succeed in marriage” is that they adopt a posture of being excellence-driven but always grace-filled.They seek to be the best they can be while showing plenty of mercy and patience toward their spouse (and yes, to themselves) when either misses the mark.

Here are some thoughts on some other character qualities important for success in marriage: A capacity for happiness. People who are incapable of happiness are going to be incapable of happiness in marriage. In marriage, those homely sayings about “the power of positive thinking” and “the behappy attitudes” are not so homely after all. People who smile and laugh and enjoy life are much more fun to live with.

Mental health. Sanity contributes greatly to success in marriage! I refer to the mind, emotions, and spirit working right; freedom from addictive, compulsive, sadistic, or masochistic behaviors; a decent level of self-control; clarity and lucidity in thinking. Such a spouse is peaceable — they don’t need drama to keep life interesting. Their moods are generally steady. (Medicine may be necessary.

Plenty of exercise. Whatever it takes.)

Trustworthiness. Trust is essential to marriage. A successful married person

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is both worthy of trust and capable of offering trust.They speak the truth, keep their promises, pull their share of the load, and keep faith with their marital promises in ways large and small.

Endurance and resilience. A lifetime marriage is a triathlon, not a sprint.

Successful married persons are tough enough to hang in there through the times of suffering, disappointment, boredom, frustration, and unresolved conflict. This involves the capacity for hope, the ability to see what is not yet visible. Even if for a time they are crawling rather than walking, running, or jumping, these spouses keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Humility. Those who succeed at marriage have no trouble acknowledging their imperfections, their constant need for growth, and the inevitability that they can and do mess up.They have the capacity to request forgiveness and to offer it.

They don’t let pride stand in the way of resolving conflicts; they are able to be kind amidst frustrations.

Godliness. Surely there are some unbelievers who succeed at marriage. But godliness — understood as a commitment to Christ, knowledge of Christian principles, and spiritual vitality—is a profoundly helpful resource to bring into the human drama that is marriage. Don’t approach the altar without it. n David P. Gushee is a distinguished university professor of Christian ethics at Mercer University in Atlanta, Ga., co-chair of the Biblical/Contextual Ethics Group of the American Academy of Religion, and president of Evangelicals for Human Rights. He is the author of 11 books, including Getting Marriage Right: Realistic Counsel for Saving and Strengthening Relationships (Baker Books, 2004).

MAY I HAVE A WORD? A ndrea C u m b o

We Are All Mothers “You really can’t do that,” the baby’s mother scolded me as I lifted her child by the arms. “You can dislocate something—it’s called nursemaid’s elbow.”

Of course I had no desire to hurt this baby, and I was glad to know about nursemaid’s elbow. So why did I feel so irked; why did I feel like crying?

For weeks I wondered, then one day I heard a radio interview with Uwem Akpam. Each story in his new collection, Say You Are One of Them, is told from the perspective of a child who has suffered tragedy: a boy whose family is murdered, a girl forced to prostitute herself to feed a younger brother. I was engrossed in Akpam’s words, fascinated by the stories, devastated by the children’s voices.

And then the female interviewer said, “As a mother, I find these stories very hard to read.” That’s when it all came clear to me. I took a deep breath. And then I got really angry. How dare she claim that because she has children she can understand the pain of these children better than people who do not, better than I? I feel great sorrow for these kids, and, as much as anyone who has not personally lived these experiences, I can enter into their pain. For a woman to claim that she understands this pain more than others simply because she is raising children makes me furious.

Now, I am not a mother. I have never had to care for children for more than a week at a time, and I do not know, personally, the struggles that the life of a mother brings. I grant that.

What I do know, however, is what it is to struggle—and what it is to love children.

Yet for some reason, most women with children act as if motherhood is

the fundamental experience of womanhood, as if you can’t truly understand life if you haven’t raised a child. I see this sentiment in my colleagues when they talk about their children and I— the only childless woman in my department—speak into the conversations with stories about my friends’ children, only to glimpse the patronizing look that passes among them, a look that says, if not “She hasn’t really lived yet,” at the very least, “She has no idea.”

I understand why women in biblical times, like Sarah and Elizabeth, cried out to the Lord for children, why the word “barren” is so appropriate. In a culture that was so defined by family lineage and descendants, these women, unable to fill their assigned “role,” were lesser. God chose to give both these women children eventually, but I imagine there were many other women whose prayers for children went ungranted.

How sad that our culture today continues to perpetuate the idea that women without children are incomplete. Sadder still is how women themselves perpetuate this belief. Is it not enough that we evaluate one another’s appearance so critically? Must we also judge each other by our ability, choice, or chance to procreate or adopt?

I have struggled with the aftermath of a husband who felt the need to leave our marriage and with my inability, for financial reasons, to adopt a little boy from Guatemala. It’s been difficult, but I have hope that one day I will adopt a child. In the meantime, I feel excluded and demeaned because I do not have one.

One night, when I was bemoaning my potential fate of being alone without husband or child, succumbing to the shame that childless women can be so vulnerable to, my friend pointed me to Isaiah 54:1—“‘Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who never were in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who PRISM 2008

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has a husband,’ says the Lord.” God tells us to celebrate, to broaden our tents (v.2), for our descendants will be vast.

That is the message that we women need to carry to and for one another— that we all have descendants, be they biological, adopted, or metaphorical. We all carry life forward. We are all mothers.

I try to live out this idea by being an “auntie” to my friends’ children, buying them books and sharing who I am, listening to their lives so that (if I’m lucky) they’ll know to come to me as teenagers when they’re too mortified to speak to their parents. I live this out by taking joy in the jokes they tell, the way they throw robes over their heads and walk into rooms laughing, the limpness of their tiny arms as they sleep. I live this out by trusting that these are my children, too— mine to watch and raise, not in the same way as their parents, but in a very important way. And not in a way that is lesser, just different.

In my view, every child is mine.

They are my responsibility to keep out of the street when they’re riding their bikes, to pick up when they trip on the sidewalk, to hold their hands when they’re lost in the store. They are mine to love—and mine to grieve for when they are abused or neglected. These are my children, not because I am a mother, but because I am human. Maybe one day I will adopt a child, but for now I will just love the children I do have in my life—“more are my children.”

So when I’m scolded about picking up a baby by her arms, or when someone shoots a look to another mom because I have no idea what it is to love a child so much that you’ll stay up all night rubbing Vicks VapoRub on her chest, I will try not to give in to either anger or shame. I will rejoice in God’s provision; I will scoop up the nearest child and smile, a baby on my hip, laughter on our lips. n Andrea Cumbo teaches writing at Cecil College in Maryland and is auntie to 17 children.

WORD, DEED & SPIRIT A l T i z on

The Cult of Family “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes even life itself, cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14: 26).

Did Jesus really say this? Say it’s not true! Was he just peeved at his family, or did he really call us to hate our parents, spouses, children, and even ourselves as a general life rule? We can try to dismiss it as an isolated case, but here’s another one. When Jesus’ family sought to save him from embarrassment, they interrupted his sermon and called for him via a messenger—“Your mother and your brothers and sisters are outside asking for you”—to which he responded: “Who are my mother and my brothers?” And looking at those who sat around him, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!

Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother” (Mark 3:33-35).

Take these verses as 30-second sound bites on aYouTube clip, and you can make a case that Jesus was anti-family. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth.

But what do we make of these seemingly harsh words?

Shortly after my wife, Janice, and I married, we began to redirect our goals toward a life of mission. As we did so, we often heard from well-meaning family and friends: “Why don’t you just go for a couple of weeks and come home? No need to go overboard with this mission thing.”

Some came at us a little more forcefully with words like,“Are you nuts? Don’t quit your jobs.What about your future?” And with the birth of each of our four children, these sentiments only intensified. I still remember receiving a stern letter from one of our supporters shortly after the birth of our third child, reprimanding us for contemplating relocating to Vietnam

to work with the persecuted church.

I hope our responses to these sincere folks were kind and humble but also clear that our commitment to God’s call to serve the poor for the sake of the gospel compelled us. I realize how revoltingly super-spiritual this could sound; but what choice does any of us have who strive to live out the radical demands of the gospel in the world? Could the call to “hate” father and mother and so on be basically saying that the family, at best, should be a distant second compared to genuine discipleship? If so, then to cease pursuing the radical ideals of the kingdom because we got married or because we have children, to make the family the new center of one’s universe, is to perpetuate the cult of family, i.e., when our spouse and children—or when the hope for these things, if you’re single—eclipse the desire to be Christ’s faithful disciples in the world.

I am keenly aware of the other side of the coin: pastors and missionaries who neglect their marriages and their children for the sake of ministry. The list of dedicated Christians who were absentee spouses/parents is way too long. And I applaud groups such as Focus on the Family for their courageous affirmation of the family as part of what it means to be a healthy church as well as a healthy nation.

This is actually one of the few places where Focus on the Family types and ESA types have stood together. But I wonder if an unforeseen side effect of the Christian profamily movement has been the elevation of the family to that high place reserved only for God himself.There is a difference between upholding the family and participating in the cult of family. Jesus taught that we need to avoid the latter if we want to be disciples.

Janice and I have undoubtedly made unloving choices as husband and wife, and we have certainly made stupid mistakes as parents. But one thing that we are thankful for in retrospect is our agreedupon resolve not to change our missionPRISM 2008

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ary course even as our family grew in complexity and in numbers. Our children simply joined in the work as they came with us to the slums of Manila; they joined us in handing out emergency relief goods in those rural places devastated by disaster; they joined us in loving, befriending, bandaging, and serving street kids at the clinic in Olongapo City; they learned how to be hospitable as we opened our doors for the poor and the stranger to live with us. They grew up knowing that our little family was not the center of the universe, that abundant life has something to do with submitting to a greater purpose being played out in the world. At least, this has been our hope; the first therapy session of any of our kids would be telling, I suppose!

As I look back, this way of being family has worked for us. In fact, I’ll even say that it has deepened our love for one another. Janice and I recently celebrated our 27th anniversary, and our years together as partners in life and ministry have been exceedingly fulfilling, as we’ve experienced both joy and pain, laughter and tears, rewards and challenges, till death do us part. We have four incredible children, two of whom have already flown the coop. Our oldest daughter and her husband recently made us grandparents! Yes, life would feel very thin without the rich, invaluable experience of family.

But the moment I become overpossessive of them and lose sight of the prize, the words of a classic Keith Green song come to mind: “I pledge my wife, I pledge my [kids], I pledge my head to heaven for the gospel.”

May this be the mantra of a people who love their families with all of their beings—but who love their Lord and Savior more. n Al Tizon is director of ESA’s Word & Deed Network and assistant professor of holistic ministry at Palmer Theological Seminary in Wynnewood, Pa.

KINGDOM ETHICS D a v id p. G u shee

Just a Man with a Family Each year during the Christmas season we watch Holiday Inn, the old Bing Crosby movie about a man who withdraws from the show biz rat race and retreats to a farm in New England. Not surprisingly, he finds cow-milking and hay-baling not quite as much fun as anticipated, and finally opens his farm as a “holiday inn,” producing shows only on national holidays.

In an early scene in the movie, Bing’s character meets Linda Mason (played by Marjorie Reynolds), a lovely young blonde trying to break into show business. As they talk together by the fireside in his homey inn, Linda reflects on her father and their family life. She says of her dad that “he never amounted to much. He was just a man with a family.”

He never amounted to much. He was just a man with a family.

Whenever we watch that scene, I feel at least a twinge…of, well, guilt. It touches a kind of raw spot in the life story of my own marriage and family.

When Jeanie and I met and fell in love over 25 years ago, we were just teenagers. I was going to be a Baptist minister. She was going to be a minister’s wife. Later the plan shifted a bit and I was going to be a seminary professor.

No major change there. We were going to have a family and raise kids together.

Jeanie imagined that we would spend every evening together, with the kids and with each other. I might take one trip away a year, as her own father did when she was growing up.

I had other kinds of dreams that I shared with her sometimes, but they were pretty remote, so far away. I would read C.S. Lewis or, later, Reinhold Niebuhr, and dream about just maybe, someday,

and others. Most moral leaders either never marry or do marry but place their family relationships under great strain as they engage in their public ministry. It almost seems to be a necessary choice.

You can amount to something. Or you can be a man or woman with a family.

But most of us end up attempting an ongoing balancing act that requires the very best efforts from everyone in the family, plus a lot of grace and mercy.

Jeanie has over the years adjusted to the public life I have come to lead. How grateful I am to her for her grace and patience. And we have established certain relationship-building commitments that have kept us healthy, such as our weekly date night, our family vacations, and our weekend getaways now and then. I spend individual time with each of my kids doing things that we enjoy.

But there is less of that time now than there has ever been. And there are many days I seriously consider dropping 90 percent of what I am doing to be just a man with a family.

A caveat is called for here: I believe that being a father (or mother) is a worthy calling in and of itself, and one that involves influence as well, albeit in a limited sphere. A man who devotes himself to his family at the price of a career can certainly amount to much in the private sphere, and even exert a public influence in the future if his children Most of us end up attempting go on to lead a public life. an ongoing balancing act But it seems to me that most of the visible history of the world is made by that requires the very best efforts deeply exhausted people whose family from everyone in the family, relationships are often strained and sometimes destroyed by their public responplus a lot of grace and mercy. sibilities.They “amounted to something,” but it cost them and their families.

Just about every admirable or heroic It’s time to end this column. I have to person I have studied lived a life like this. get ready for my next speaking gig. n I have a wall at work with pictures of the heroes I like to teach about and imitate. David P. Gushee is a distinguished univerIt includes Mandela, King, Lincoln, sity professor of Christian ethics at McAfee Gandhi, Bonhoeffer, Nightingale, School of Theology at Mercer University in Wilberforce,Wiesel, Day, Mother Teresa, Atlanta, Ga. being a person of influence like that.

But everyone knows that only a few people achieve such dreams.

All these years later, as presidents like to say, “the state of our union is strong.”

But it has had to achieve that strength amid circumstances that Jeanie, especially, did not anticipate. I would blame it on God’s will or just how things happen, but that would be a cop-out. The truth is that I was unwilling to be “just a man with a family.” My desire to leave a mark on the world, to make a difference for God, to be a person of influence, to be remembered after I die, to advance the kingdom of God, was just too strong for that life. I had some gifts, the time was right, and the fire of ambition burns hot within me.

And so, this year especially, there have been far too few nights of just sitting on the couch reading and talking.

I write in early April, and so far in 2008 speaking gigs have taken me to California, Alabama,Tennessee, Pennsylvania,Texas, Virginia, Washington, and Alberta, Canada. I am speaking about my new book on faith and politics, a good cause indeed, but there is always a good cause, and after a while there are always more speaking engagements and more reasons to be gone from home and hearth, wife and children.

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Overcoming sexual addiction in a Christian marriage

BY ROGER DOWIS

Joan sat in front of the computer feeling betrayed and hurt.

For months her husband had spent his nights isolated in their small home office. Whenever she entered the room, Don would immediately shrink the computer screen, looking like a boy caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Now, after checking the “history� of their internet provider, Joan discovered that her husband had been visiting dozens of porn sites and adult chat rooms.

Like most couples, their marriage had had its ups and downs, but now she wondered if she could remain in a relationship based on deception and betrayal. She simply did not

understand how Don, a Christian and a father, could involve himself in a secret lifestyle that was so foreign to his values.

A DESENSITIZED CULTURE

Two reasons that porn and cybersex have invaded Christian homes are the normalization of porn in our culture and the almost effortless availability that we now have to it via the internet.

What the eye sees remains indelibly imprinted on the brain forever. Through contemporary fashion, television, and movies, we see a great deal more today than at any other period

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state, ‘OK, I’ve had all the affirmation I need. Don’t give me any more.’”

Dr. Carter explains that during infancy affirmation is conveyed through touching, patience, and nurturing. During the grade-school years, affirming words express the value of a growing child. Finally, during the teen years, young people develop abstract thinking, enabling them to understand the concept of innate worth, something that is best conveyed by the unconditional love of a parent.

Experts in the field of counseling have discovered that much of an entire generation felt abandoned by their parents, especially their fathers. For the most part, the abandonment was not intentional. Fathers were expected to express love for their families by being good providers; the kind of deeper connections that are created when fathers spend leisure time with their children was not recognized as an essential ingredient to emotional health.

Yet without this nurturing process, says Dr. Carter, children grow into adults who are constantly looking for approval.

They depend on the messages of others to determine their value, and pornography clearly speaks to that need. Men feel idolized and full of energy when looking into the admiring eyes of Ms. September or when chatting with a live woman who is looking for cybersex.

When it comes to the need for (and lack of) nurturing, Christian men are as vulnerable as the next guy. Within the walls of our churches, the hearts of many men carry the wounds of their unhealthy childhoods. Although they intellectually know that God loves them, they constantly experience an emotional need for reassurance of their manhood and basic worth as a human being.

One of the basic themes of Wild at Heart (Nelson Books, 2001) by John Eldredge is that many men never experienced being initiated by their fathers into manhood. Furthermore, some parts of the women’s movement have sent a mixed message, leaving many men wondering where society expects them to fit in. Eldredge says that many men are haunted by a lack of strong sense of identity.

Pornography artificially and temporarily fills that gap, but because that need can never be sufficiently gratified without emotional intimacy—and pornography is completely void of intimacy—men eventually spiral downward into addiction.

in human history. Those who speak on behalf of the media often peddle the notion that the viewing public need only change the channel if offended by the graphic nature of its programming, but even a cursory review reveals that virtually no programming is free of sexually suggestive material.

Christians have for too long been sleepwalking through a gradual transition that began with cable TV. Changes in movie ratings followed close behind, making it possible for each home to watch provocative films containing total nudity.

It has now become difficult to find any motion picture without at least one sexually gratuitous scene.

Unfortunately, even commercials are heavily laced with suggestive material. Both Burger King and Hardee’s fast-food restaurant chains recently produced a series of commercials with strong sexual overtones. After Janet Jackson’s 2004 Super Bowl fiasco, the FCC began to crack down on extreme cases of nudity during day and nighttime programming, but Christians are still bombarded with sexually stimulating messages everywhere they turn.

Christians should not be surprised if the line between God’s gift of intimacy and sexual promiscuity becomes blurred when erotic material is allowed to enter the sanctity of their homes. Christians may even have a false sense of security, believing that their faith affords them an increased tolerance to temptation. However, the following statistics indicate a more disturbing shift in our culture: Barna Research Group concluded that one in five “born-again” Christians now believes that viewing magazines with nudity and sexually explicit pictures is morally acceptable; 36 percent say they no longer feel that cohabitation before marriage is offensive to God; depending on what survey you read, as many as 60 percent of Christian men have viewed pornography within the last year.

Amy Randall

HOW DO CHRISTIANS GET HOOKED?

Steven Earll, founder and director of Pure Intimacy (pureintimacy.org), says that one of the most common questions asked in counseling is,“What causes a person to become addicted to pornography, especially a Christian?” After years of studying the issue, Earll has concluded that addictions, while extremely complex, are most often rooted in unresolved family trauma. The most common forms of trauma are sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. “The way we handle trauma often determines how it will affect our lives, and our family’s life, for years,” says Earll. “When an individual or family does not seek to heal the wounds, the legacy of trauma is often passed on to the next generation.”

Dr. Les Carter, author of The Anger Trap (Jossey-Bass, 2004), explains that the deepest need of all humans is to be affirmed and loved. “There is never a day when a person can

CONTROL ISSUES

Several behaviors are known to fuel sexual addiction, not the least of which is the desire to have power over others (this is common in people who have experienced emotional abuse or neglect as children). Although they may not realize it in the beginning, those who experience sexual addiction desperately want to control everything and everyone around them.

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Once sexual addiction has taken root, the need for control will spill over into other relationships, usually at church or work.

Men often become predators, looking for females who respond to strong personalities and who give off signals that they also benefit in some codependent way from this type of social transaction. Needless to say, these interactions often lead to physical adultery (emotional adultery, of course, has already long taken place).

For Don, the husband we met in the opening scenario, control was nothing short of exhilarating. In fact, his acting out sexually was merely a byproduct of his need for control, which offered the real turn-on.The more he progressed in his addiction, the more he became impatient with and demanding of Joan. The slightest thing would trigger an unreasonable level of anger. Although he felt ashamed and had prayed for help, he felt powerless to stop his behavior. He hated hurting Joan’s feelings, but her submission and desire to please him only enabled his behavior.

Christian wives often feel they are commanded to be submissive. The question, however, is “Submissive to what?”

The Bible says nothing about being submissive to someone acting out in sin. Destructive behavior is diametrically opposed to the agape love associated with God and his children.

Christians often feel that classifying sexual addiction as a personality and intimacy disorder somehow negates the aspect of sin. However, sin is always sin, regardless of the form it takes, and all of us need the redemptive grace of our Lord to overcome its corruptive nature. God commands us to acknowledge our sin and repent when we fall short.

But we must look beyond the obvious and ask ourselves what tools God has provided for healing. Remember, without help these men remain in a cycle of shame and selfdegradation that is doomed to repeat itself ad infinitum.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, is often asked about “all this psycho-babble.” Dobson says that he has frequently dealt with resistance among some in the Christian community who remain uncomfortable with psychology. Secular thinkers, including psychologists, often have insights that are consistent with biblical revelation, and Dobson is opposed only to humanistic methods that contradict Christian faith. Even Christian therapists, he explains, must be careful “to use godly discernment and filter everything through the screen of God’s word.”

The Christian approach to counseling and recovery seeks to reintegrate the body, mind, and spirit, healing the wounds that keep any of these components from working properly.

important to understand that failing to confront a spouse may enable the behavior to continue.

“Confrontation is really your only power,” says Marsha Means, author of Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars (Revell, 1999). She wrote about her husband’s struggle with pornography and feels strongly about bringing such secrets into the light.

Confrontation need not be judgmental or condemning.

The best approach is to simply state your concerns in love and truth, then wait for your husband’s response. A simple statement is usually sufficient: “Honey, I found some inappropriate stuff on our computer. Do you know where it came from?”

Many husbands will find relief in being discovered. A few, however, will either deny having a problem (despite the evidence) or refuse to take meaningful steps to address it. Some counselors recommend that you follow the model described in Matthew 18:15-16 when a spouse continues to avoid the issue: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault...But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” In other words, confront your spouse in the presence of friends, coworkers, a pastor—but not the children.

Women who attempt to manipulate their husbands into changing, or who blame themselves for the problem, will only become codependent. Instead, wives should encourage their husbands to seek counseling, become involved in men’s support groups, and install filters and accountability software on their computers. Once boundaries are set and opportunities for recovery are presented, a wife can do a great deal by showing her loving support. This does not mean that business continues as usual. Physical intimacy should be placed on hold until agreed-upon expectations are achieved. Since sexual addiction usually involves injury to the innocent spouse, time should also be allowed for forgiveness and healing.

Christian counselors generally agree that wives should physically separate themselves from their spouse if being exploited, victimized, or enduring ongoing verbal abuse. This action should be looked upon as a temporary measure to allow the man to recognize the extent of his problem, make changes that reveal repentance, and get the help he needs to understand the root of his addiction and destructive behavior.While not necessarily the preliminary step toward divorce, the separation should be long enough to allow the husband time to address the very deep issues involved and for the wife to experience the emotional and spiritual rest she requires to be able to think clearly about the marriage and her own needs.

Rob Jackson, a Christian counselor who fought to restore his own marriage, believes that separation should be therapeutic, not done in anger. Rob compares it to fire lines that fire-

WHAT WIVES CAN DO

Wives are often at a loss when dealing with husbands who experiment with or become addicted to pornography. It is

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as a necessary component of the recovery process. Without a safe place of ongoing interaction, long-term recovery is difficult, if not impossible, to sustain. Healing is a process more than a destination. Celebrate Recovery, Sexual Addicts Anonymous (sexaa.org), New Life Ministries, and Harvest USA (harvestusa.org) are just a few of the programs that offer small-group resources for the sexually broken.

In addition to any individual work that a man does toward healing, the couple also needs to take proactive steps toward healing their sexual relationship. Dr. Mark Laaser, author of Faithful & True (Zondervan, 1996), suggests the following guidelines: • Early in recovery, a period of celibacy must be observed in order to reverse the belief that sex is the most important need. In fact, love and intimacy are our greatest needs.

• Sexual addicts must agree to boundaries in which they no longer fantasize about other partners.

• Husbands must learn to express their sexual desire emotionally and spiritually with their partners. At first, this may seem less exciting, but in time they will find it more fulfilling.

• Couples must learn to express their sexual likes and dislikes and respect established boundaries.

fighters often set up to stop blazes. By intentionally burning a controlled area, they can remove the threat of a disastrous wildfire.

RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE

“The good news is that recovery is possible,” says Ralph Earle, founder and president of Psychological Counseling Services (www.pcsearle.com) in Scottsdale, Ariz. “The bad news is that it takes work.” Earle, a licensed therapist and ordained minister, has treated over 100 pastors for cybersex addiction. He explains that like any other addiction, an ongoing recovery program is necessary to achieve victory.

Fred Stoeker, founder of Living True Ministries (fred stoeker.com) and coauthor of the Every Man series, suggests the following for men struggling with pornography: Stop the behaviors: To deal with their issues, men must read books like Every Man’s Battle (everymansbattle.com) and apply its principles each day.

Get connected with others: A common characteristic of addiction is isolation. Christian men can overcome the temptation and false intimacy of sexual sin by developing deeper connections with their spouse and through friendships with other men. Celebrate Recovery (celebraterecovery.com), an international Christian recovery program that addresses multiple issues in church-based support groups across the country, recommends daily devotionals using the Recovery Bible. Furthermore, men need accountability partners with whom they can safely disclose the details of their struggle and receive feedback. (Free accountability software is available at xxxchurch.com that will alert a mentor/partner every time a porn site is accessed, making it that much easier to stay honest.)

Take control of the computer: Put the computer where everyone can see it.This will not only help the sexually addicted person remain faithful to his commitment to remain porn-free, but will also protect children from online predators.

Many fine software systems block any unwanted adult material from invading your home. (See everyhomeprotected.com.)

Seek counseling. Not all Christian counselors are the same.

It is important that you select one that approaches this subject with understanding and grace. Men seeking relief have already tried and failed to overcome their addiction using traditional methods of repentance and prayer. Christian counselors who specialize in sexual addiction will bear the most fruit because they understand the healing process and the expectations for long-term sexual purity. Anything less will fall woefully short in the therapeutic process. New Life Ministries (newlife. com) offers a toll-free number (1-800-NEW-LIFE) you can call to receive a list of approved counselors in your area.

Support groups: Support groups are now recognized

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

God calls men to protect their families, to be willing to lay down their lives for their loved ones. Therefore, they are to avoid even the hint of sexual immorality; neither should they indulge in any obscenity, course talk, or sexual joking. Most importantly, Ephesians 5 warns us not to be deceived by the world, for of such things comes God’s wrath.We live in a world controlled by the “father of lies,” who, during a battle for our very souls, is attempting to deceive us.

If we believe that we can do all things through Christ, then there remains no doubt as to our ability to heal and grow in the shadow of the Savior’s love. One man in recovery said that he found daily comfort and faith by reading Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ■ Roger Dowis is a member of Celebrate Recovery and serves on both the Ministry Team and as a small group leader for men struggling with a variety of issues. He believes that no true healing can take place without the recognition and influence of God. After 27 years in law enforcement, where he informally counseled hundreds of officers experiencing marital problems, he retired and now spends his time writing about social issues. He currently offers premarital counseling and, with his wife, leads Divorce Care through his local congregation.

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