Can We Recover the Three-Generation Family?

RON SIDER

we moved 500 miles away from our Canadian farm community when we felt called to live and work in Philadelphia. Arbutus and I went “home” to Ontario twice a year, so our children knew and loved their grandparents, but it was a vastly different, far less intimate and formative relationship than Arbutus and I enjoyed with ours. Recently, while flying back to Philadelphia, I talked with a young father Three-generation families used to be the who had just moved his family back to the norm. Grandpa and Grandma lived close Philadelphia area. The reason? Because by and saw their grandchildren regularly, he and his wife wanted their children to provided free childcare to grateful par- live close to their grandparents. I didn’t ents, and helped in a thousand ways to ask him if his new job paid as well as the one he left, but whether it did or not, I shape the lives of their grandchildren. My maternal grandparents lived on the think they made the right choice. Is a few other side of our farmhouse when I was thousand dollars’ income a year really more a young boy and later in the little town important for children than growing up two miles away. Regularly, my grandpa with loving grandparents? sat me on his lap and sang “Sweet Little Ronnie Boy.”When I grew a little older, A close relationship with he took me fishing and asked me to help one’s grandchildren is more him mow the grass at the small local high precious than the joys of school where he did maintenance. Often retiring in Florida or Arizona. I listened to his unique testimony during “testimony time” at church. I never knew In my last column, “Weeping with Dad’s father, who was killed in a farm accident before I was born. But Grandpa (the) Trinity,” I told you about what a Cline lived a wonderful model. It was the special bond developed between Arbutus gentle, powerful way that he shaped my and me and our little granddaughter Trinity life and faith that now inspires my own while she and her parents lived with us during our daughter’s student teaching. efforts to be a good grandpa. Today, unfortunately, very few chil- The wonderful sequel is that our daughter dren spend that kind of quality time with and son-in-law have just bought a house their grandparents. Often divorce divides across the street. So Arbutus and I enjoy families and complicates grandparenting. hours every week with our little darling. Our other three grandchildren live in The mobility of our society separates grandparents and their grandchildren Pittsburgh. I wish they, too, were across because they live in different parts of the the street, but Arbutus and I drive 300 state, country, or world.We all understand miles to Pittsburgh at least every three the changes in contemporary society that months for a long weekend.At the end of have produced this result. Missionaries have a two-day weekend together at a state park, to live in other lands. Specialized educa- I told our oldest (6-year-old) grandtional and professional opportunities daughter, Ana, that I wished she lived in seldom pop up next door to our parents’ Philadelphia. Her prompt reply: “I wish you lived in Pittsburgh.” homes. Good friends of ours in Philadelphia Our children did not come to know their grandparents the way we did, because have developed another approach. Most PRISM 2009

of their grandchildren live near Boston. Now retired, they have chosen to spend about three months of every summer living near their grandchildren in a little apartment attached to the house of one of their sons. Finances often require a return to threegeneration family life. Many elderly folk cannot afford to live in a retirement home, or their health prevents them from staying in their own home. Depending on the personality and grace of all three generations, this arrangement can be challenging — or even terribly difficult. But it can also be a blessing and joy for everyone. There is a lot to be said in favor of recovering the older model of threegeneration families.When grandparents live on the other side of the wall or across the street, they have a wonderful opportunity to support their children and bless their grandchildren. Actually, it is hard to know who is blessed more — grandchild or grandparent.That relationship is certainly more precious than the joys of retiring in Florida or Arizona. Since children need their grandparents, we will all have to make important choices. Some children will move their families back “home” to where grandparents live. Some grandparents can move to where their children and grandchildren live. Some can spend summers with grandchildren, and others can make frequent weekend trips. I recently talked with Dr. William Shaw, past president of the National Baptist Convention, about our grandchildren. He has been close to a granddaughter who is now in her later teens. A bit wistfully, I asked if it is possible for Grandpa to have good open conversation about important issues when a grandchild reaches that age. I hope and pray that when my little granddaughters are in their later teens, I can answer as clearly as he did: “Oh, yes.” It takes time, effort, and hard choices. But three-generation families — or some reasonably similar arrangement — are well worth the effort. n