WE CAN BE HEROES
vesuvius erupts
WOMEN, WAR AND FIGHTING
eyewitness accounts from pompeii
First edition
GENDER NORMS
senatus populusque romanus the senate & people of rome
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Just as Rome wasn’ t built in a day – nor was this newspaper (events span several centuries)
Julius Caesar assassinated! Hacked to death, twenty senators are under suspicion for his murder 15 March, 44 BCE
A scene of mayhem has been left in the wake of Caesar’s death. While much remains unclear about his death, this much is known:
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aius Julius Caesar was approached by a gang of some twenty senators near the Theatre of Pompey in Rome, who declared their intention to hand him a petition. An eyewitness declares that an unnamed member of the party was seen to tug on Caesar’s toga – this is believed to have
been the signal to the assassins to strike. Caesar was then set upon with daggers, as panic broke out. He tried to defend himself with the only weapon to hand – his sharp pen. Brutus was gashed in the attack, but questions remain about where his loyalties lie,
as he was among the group of senators who surrounded Caesar.
‘You too, child!’ Another eyewitness states that Caesar cried out to Brutus ‘You too, child!’ The group of senators fled
the scene and their escape was aided by the chaos as the gladiator show at the Theatre of Pompey was coming to an end and the crowd was dispersing onto the streets nearby. Julius Caesar died at the scene. A divisive figure, nonetheless his support of the
LITERARY EVENT OF THE YEAR - CICERO’S NEW BOOK LAUNCHES Come and get your copies of Call Me Catiline: The Unauthorised Biography signed by the author, Cicero, at the Roman Forum next Tuesday. The evening includes an oration by the author. 7pm-midnight (RSVP to book a seat or wear comfy sandals) NEXT WEEK: Column McCann!
poor and frequent handouts mean that many will mourn his passing. His murder leaves a void at the heart of power, and with twenty of our most respected senators in the frame for his death, it remains to be seen who will succeed him.
II
homeland security
He’s got Hanni-balls 218 BCE
Carthaginian army invades astride long-nosed, terrifying creatures
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haos broke out in the Po valley yesterday as Hannibal Barca of Iberia descended from the Alps. Onlookers were shocked to spot huge, grey, leathery creatures towering over the horizon. Sources have yet to confirm what species of animal they were, but eyewitnesses claim they are the exotic ‘elephant’, notable for
Ele-fantasy? their long, arm-like noses, large ears and high-functioning long-term memo-
ries. One female eyewitness said: ‘It was like something from a nightmare. We were sat on our terrace polishing our sandals, like any other Sunday evening. We started hearing these noises – like when your old
Po-faced man blows his nose, but much, much louder. Then a herd of these creatures appeared in the distance, with an army of men! I thought I was going mad,
until they got closer, and then I could smell them. The beasts were pretty stinky too, ha, ha.’ Her husband added angrily, ‘One of the beasts left a huge **** in our front garden,
was incomprehensible. We can confirm that Hannibal’s men look ‘tired and emotional’ – it was plain to see they desperately needed a hot bath and proper meal, not to mention a haircut. So who is this ambitious upstart, Hannibal? And should we be worried? The son of Hamilcar Barca, the leading Carthaginian commander during the First Punic War (264 to 241 BC), Hannibal has success written in his genes. His incredible journey has seen him leading his army across the Pyrenees and the Alps – a feat even the most strong-willed of gladiators would balk at. It remains to be seen if the Roman army can fight off his advances – and the so-called ‘elephants’. right on top of my roseCould this be the start mary bush.’ of a Second Punic War? Our roving Let us know reporter manby voting aged to get close YES or NO. enough to one of Please send scrolls to the Carthaginian SPQR head office with soldiers to ask about their your answer marked journey, but unfortunateclearly. Results published ly the soldier’s language next week.
Carthage kin
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III
Was Romulus raised The Measure: Rome Fashion Week by a she-wolf – or a What the was wearing – and what to pass on to prostitute? your slaves FROW
New evidence casts questions on empire’s early days
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uch speculation has been building in recent years over the story of Rome’s foundation and the foundling twins, suckled by a conveniently lactating
Inconsistencies mother wolf. Historians point to the many inconsistencies in the story, and the much-repeated assertion that Romulus was the son of Mars, has been accused of being without merit. So what is the truth? New papers have come to light suggesting Aeneas, a Greek
refugee, may have been the first Roman citizen. Respected Roman senators, Cicero being one, Livy another, have started to research the creation story – and suggest it may in fact be largely myth. In a recent interview with this paper, Livy points out that the Latin word for wolf, ‘lupa’ is also slang
Lupanare for ‘prostitute’, and that ‘lupanare’ is a brothel. Might the truth be murkier than Romans are ready to admit?
The poet Horace suggests the twins, and their eventual deadly argument, are a metaphor – a story to explain Roman-againstRoman violence. After all, fratricide is not unknown in our violent society. The investigation into the truth about Romulus and Remus and the arguments over whether they are fictional characters rage on – but whether Rome is ready to re-examine its past remains to be seen. The priority today must be on re-establishing peace after the violent slaying of Julius Caesar.
Going up: PRINTS – floral, check, geometric – whatever the design, it’s time to tart up your tunic. See gorgeous elephant-print bathers at House of Hannibal. GLADIATOR SANDALS – regular Roman sandals no longer cut the grape mustard. The more studs the better: lace ’em up to your knees. SILK – this season’s fabric isn’t cheap but it’s oh, so worth it. As seen on womanof-the-moment Boudica astride her chariot at this year’s Londinium Fashion Week. BRAIDS – get down to Boudica Braids in East Rome to style it up on Saturday night. The more elaborate the better. Ro-men love complex hair.
Going down: CLOAKS – do as our Alpine neighbours do and brave the cold bare-armed and -ankled. Cover-up this winter is not cool. Draw on the gladiator mantra: pain is beauty. VINTAGE – forget tatty togas and stale stolas. It’s all about fresh cotton and your brightest jewellery. It’s all new for 60 BC-ish! MUSK – rose is the new scent of the season. Douse yourself so you can be easily identified from across the amphitheatre. CINCHED WAISTS – breathe out, ladies. Tie your belt round the hips and indulge the seasonal bloat. More wine?
IV
Opinion
My hero: Lucretia, by Boudica
Ask the Oracle
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Are you tormented by uncertainty, doubt or fear? Do you have a burning concern that you don’t dare make public? Send your questions to Mystic Galeria of Astrampsychus, our Oracle-in-Residence – she will consult the gods and settle your worries once and for all!
first heard of Lucretia when I was a child, and I was doing the washing with my mother. She happened upon a particularly dirty piece of fabric and, scrubbing and scrubbing, couldn’t move the stain. Her hands by now were sore and she muttered, ‘I’m going to do a Lucretia if this stain...’ – she then clapped a hand over her mouth, reddened, and said, ‘I didn’t mean that. Never repeat that, darling. How horribly un-PC of me. Bless Lucretia.’ She returned to her work but the look of guilt remained on her face. She was forced to tell me the full story later, after I refused to stop asking until she explained. (I was strong-willed and stubborn from an early age.) I was gripped by poor Lucretia’s story, a woman who felt the only way to express herself, and gain the vengeance she needed, was through suicide as an act of protest. This powerful statement resonated with me and still does now. We have by no means reached gender equality, even some 450 years later. I am lucky enough to be a woman leading an army that respects me, but my motivations in doing so are manifold. As has been widely reported, when my husband died, Roman men broke into our house, flogged me and raped my daughters.
Lucretia’s story may be extreme, but it is still relevant to women today.
My husband has been very distant recently, and I’ve noticed that the same female slave has accompanied him to the baths each afternoon for at least a month. I don’t dare ask him, but might he be having an affair?
- Confused wife Where Lucretia’s only option was death, I had the privilege of being able to take matters into my own hands. But it has not been without great suffering. Therapy is helping, but of course women in Lucretia’s time didn’t have access to the medical or emotional support that we do today. What next? My army is currently storming Londinium and I’m delighted with their progress. I hope Lucretia would be proud to see a woman leading an army of men – and proud of the advances in women’s rights the world has seen since her death.
Next week: Coriolanus, by Pompey
What a conundrum! You poor thing – the idea of your husband consorting with a slave-woman must make your stomach turn! I have consulted intimately with the gods on this very personal and difficult matter. I confirm they were helpful and revealing. What did they say, you ask? Well, we are now in the month of Quintilis, as you know, and the Ludi Apollinares athletic games we have all been enjoying have shifted Apollo into an unusually powerful position. Apollo, being god of truth, prophecy, and healing, is absolutely vital in matters of relationships and personal success. In my consultation with Apollo, he told me he felt sympathy with your concerns and that he would watch over your marriage for you. Be patient. Attend to your shrine twice a day, place offerings at your altar to Apollo (if you do not have one, get one!), and sit tight. I am sure that your husband will come to his senses.
natural disasters
V
Horror as Vesuvius erupts Who’s that Society:
fiddling with Nero? 67 AD Nero up close and personal with mystery brunette – does Rome’s favourite playboy have a new girl on the go?
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mperor Nero is never far from the headlines at the moment, and if it’s not the front page, it’s the gossip columns. The ruler we all love to hate was seen last
Mystery brunette
25 August, 79 CE
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huge volcanic eruption has taken place in the Pompeii-Herculaneum district, 150 miles south-east of Rome, with reports of thousands dead and hundreds fleeing the ruined cities. One victim has been named locally as the renowned philosopher and army commander Gaius Plinius Secundus, better known as Pliny. He was visiting the area with his nephew, Pliny the younger, who gave this account to our reporters:
emitted, as pumice began to rain from the sky. Along with intense tremors, these rocks began to batter the buildings of Pompeii.
‘Smoke suddenly burst from the mountain at about one in the afternoon. It sounds strange, but it looked like a pine tree – it sort of shot up and out like pine branches. It was both bright and spotted, as if it was full of earth and ash. My throat hurt just to look at it.’
Pliny speaks fondly of his uncle’s brave attempts to help rescue survivors: ‘They were running through the nearby fields, trying to get to safety with nothing but pillows to protect their heads.’
This tree-like plume shot 20,000m into the air; what Mr Pliny Jr could not see were the noxious gases
‘My uncle was desperate to rescue two of our friends who were over there. As soon as he heard from them he was straight down to the bay and had our fastest ship made ready to sail straight into the chaos. He asked me to come with him. I refused.’
But worse was to come. Pliny the elder found one missing friend, Pomponianus, but his wife was nowhere to be found. Not just that, the falling pumice had prevented ships from either entering or
leaving the bay safely.
was eviscerated.
‘My uncle remained optimistic till the last – he kept telling people that they would be alright, that they needed to just wait it out. But after a few hours, everyone knew it was now or never – sail back or die. And my uncle didn’t make it. They had to leave him behind.’
‘I can’t believe it. He had been his normal happy self just the previous day, and then he was gone. At least I can say with pride that he died doing the right thing.’
That night, reports claim that the ‘pine-tree’-like plume then collapsed in on itself, causing a surge of gas and rock to rush down the mountain towards both cities. Eyewitness reports state that what remained of both cities
There had been predictions that the volcano was on the verge of an event, with tremors of increasing intensity felt locally in the run-up to the eruption. A full inquiry will soon be launched as to why these predictions were not heeded – with adequate emergency measures in place, lives may have been saved.
He asked me to come with him. I refused.
night in Rome’s most exclusive downtown taverna, The Smashed Grapes, getting cosy with an anonymous brunette. Only days after an acrimonious split from famous socialite Flavia, Nero was spotted leaving his palace to discuss insulae building regulations with a group of rich landowners. However, he went AWOL before the meeting could commence, and was next seen several hours later – getting to grips with a new friend. We can exclusively reveal that Nero’s new flame is none other than Ulpia Mamaea, 18-year-old niece of Gnaeus Sulla, head of the aforementioned insulae landowners’ organisation. Ulpia lives with her uncle in his country house – sources say that Nero’s eyes fell on little Ulpia on his way to her uncle’s atrium and he abandoned the meeting in favour of drinking wine with her. Questions persist about the tragic passing of Nero’s late wife Poppaea (now a goddess, of course), and whether that ill-timed kick to her pregnant belly was a ‘momentary lapse’ or something more sinister. Nero seems determined to fiddle while Rome burns – or indeed smoulders. Our eyebrows remain firmly raised.
VI
home affairs Work: A slave plans his freedom
We are all Romans now 212 CE
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mperor Caracalla this morning made political history with an unexpected and far-reaching announcement: that all free inhabitants of the Roman Empire, ‘from Scotland to Syria’, are to be made Roman citizens. Citizenship was only previously afforded to native-born Romans or to provincials who had earned this right through loyal service to the Empire. It is believed that this change will affect up to 30 million people throughout the Empire. This announcement was greeted with spontaneous celebrations in Rome, mostly from the sizeable immigrant population who commonly experience racism and mistreatment due to their lack of citizenship.
‘I just never thought it would happen!’ Quintus Caecilius Metellus, 27, said. ‘I’ve been here for the last twenty years, I feel as Roman as anyone, but I’ve always been treated like a second-class citizen. I can’t wait to get my citizenship.’ But the response was not universally positive: businesses have been voicing their discontent, worried that this new boom in civil rights might cause the slaves to rebel. Publius Aurelius Symmachus, owner of a large construction company and over eight hundred slaves, remarked, ‘It’s all very well trying to smooth over the divisions in society. But maybe those divisions are there for a reason. My slaves are my property – this is just a slippery slope to complete anarchy!’
As civilians are, of course, exempt from many of our most severe punishments such as crucifixion and flogging, it has not been confirmed whether criminals sentenced to or about to undergo these punishments will have their sentences upheld. Representatives from the police force of Rome were unavailable for comment.
Dear Aulus, My master is minded to grant me freedom at the forthcoming census. Having never before been in control of my own life, what might I need to know or prepare for?
Servus, slave of Maximus
Dear Servus,
I feel as Roman as anyone
Congratulations on this most auspicious occasion. Your master must be applauded for his forward-thinking attitude and philanthropy. There is much to plan and think about: with freedom comes responsibility and you must check with your master what the conditions of your freedom are. You might find it useful to build a
network. Join a trade association, if you do not already belong to one, to improve your social standing – some require a donation of an amphora of good wine to be shared among the remaining slave members. There will be a party to prepare for, so etiquette must be researched: speak to another former slave to find out the particulars, and ensure that your robes are fitting for the occasion. As a libertini, or freed man, you still have responsibilities towards your master, now your patron. Make sure to discuss the terms of your freedom with your master before the grant of freedom, as redefining the contract after the fact can be a legal minefield. Enjoy and remember to wear your privilege lightly, especially towards slaves not yet freed.
Ovid’s Lonely Hearts C
alling all Rome-antics Are all your mates on dates at the chariot race or playing latrunculi over olives and wine? Don’t sit around crying! You should be applying – Just get your ad written And soon you’ll be smitten. Ovid knows what the score is (Have you read Amores?) So if you’re looking for love Write to the address above.
Geeky gladiator seeking solution Big, strong M likes
FIGHT NIGHT RETURNS!
fighting and maths puzzles. Looking for Roman numeralloving F for possible Roman nuptials.
Wine and dine Slim, fun-
loving F with GSOH likes nights out at the theatre, red wine and roast peacock. Looking for a foodie F to feast with.
Tour guide-olatry New to area F WLTM local citizen M to show her the eternal city. Let’s see the Colosseum by moonlight. Cer-amicable
Septuagenarian potter, M, good with hands. Looking for arty F to talk terracotta with.
Gladiator games are back, every Friday night from 25 Aprilis Get your tickets from the Colosseum box office Opening hours sunrise to sunset daily
notices
VII
Saddle up your donkeys – it’s census time By order of the Censor of the Empire: the date is approaching for the five-year census of goods, citizens, their slaves, family and riches. All must present themselves at the Villa Publica for counting. Tribes will be summoned in turn by the public crier and should be presented to the censor, with the paterfamilias leading his tribe. Citizens are reminded that failure to present for census is an offense. The purpose of the exercise is to determine the empire’s military strength and overall wealth.
Items due to be accounted for include land, slaves, cattle, clothing, jewels and carriages. The full requirements can be viewed in the census rules (the leges censui censendo), a copy of which will be on display at the Villa Publica from tomorrow.
Tribes will be summoned by the public crier
Note: the census may also result in a citizen’s social standing being altered, as part of its aim is to determine the senators for the next five years. This reckoning may take the form of either a promotion or demotion. The censor’s decision is final.
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quiz How Roman are you? I
t’s 212 CE and Emperor Caracalla has just granted full citizenship to every free inhabitant of the empire, no matter who they are. Since the Roman Empire has extended throughout the British Isles, that includes all of us! But how ‘Roman’ are you really? Take our quiz to find out. Tick all that apply: When I was younger all I wanted was to be a gladiator and fight in the arena. I have a pet dog or a cat. I get really excited when I’m travelling along a perfectly straight road. I put olive oil on everything.
Purple is my colour: it makes me feel like I’m channelling my inner Emperor/Empress. My dinner party speciality is roasted peacock, or if there aren’t any in Tesco, ostrich. I’m great at public speaking. I’m addicted to board games – chess, checkers, backgammon, even noughts and crosses. It’s very important to me that my food is colour co-ordinated. I’ve been known to gamble with my friends on occasion. I wear sandals all the time, even in winter. I have seen Gladiator at least ten times. I prefer to eat my meals lounging on the sofa rather than sitting upright.
I love wandering around markets in my spare time. Tight clothes make me itch – I feel most at home wrapped in a blanket or a bed sheet. I love rowing or kayaking. I love going out to live events on a Friday night – theatre, music, even wrestling. I like to drink wine with a meal. A day in a sauna would be my idea of paradise. Knives and forks are for losers – I eat with my hands, or, when necessary, a spoon. Add up your ticks and multiply x 5 = You are _______ % Roman!
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