Q inform | inspire
Growing Up on Queer Coded TV
March 14, 2019
Giant Little Ones Coming of Age
Body
& SOUL
LGBTQ Atlanta gallery celebrates the male form
ATL Vintage Guy Reclaims the Past T for Trouble & Trans in Sports
Q News The Queer Agenda Q Shots The Q The Weekly Print Publication of Project Q Atlanta
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April 6, 2019 Emory University Grab some friends and spend a fun day competing in your favorite version of schoolyard games. Tug-of-war, 3-legged and wheelbarrow races, and more. Two fun events to raise money for AIDS vaccine research and local service organizations including Emory Vaccine Center, Positive Impact, AID Atlanta, Jerusalem House and HERO for Children.
May 18-19, 2019 A 2-day 200-mile bike ride across the beautiful Georgia countryside. Shorter options are available, including relays.
Register for one or both events, volunteer and/or donate to a participant at actioncyclingatl.org
EDITOR’S NOTE Q Q MAGAZINE THE WEEKLY PUBLICATION OF PROJECT Q ATLANTA PUBLISHERS INITIAL MEDIA, LLC MIKE FLEMING PUBLISHER & EDITOR MIKE@THEQATL.COM MATT HENNIE PUBLISHER & BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MATT@THEQATL.COM RICHARD CHERSKOV PUBLISHER & GENERAL MANAGER RICHARD@THEQATL.COM ADVERTISING SALES RUSS YOUNGBLOOD SENIOR SALES REPRESENTATIVE RUSS@THEQATL.COM ART DIRECTOR JOHN NAIL JOHN@THEQATL.COM
Bodies of
EVIDENCE
When standing up, showing out and representing is exactly the point
BEING ABLE TO STAND BEFORE THE WORLD and declare “this is me,” whether literally or figuratively, is part and parcel of LGBTQ culture, and therefore right on mission for Q magazine and Project Q Atlanta. That’s why we’re so excited to present this week’s compelling queer Atlanta creatives and personalities. Sometimes you gotta go literal when presenting your true self — naked, empowered and proud to make a statement. That certainly goes for the men in the 9th annual Body & Soul art exhibit. In our Q Cover feature, gay Atlanta photographer and pb&j gallery owner Bob Burkhardt presents his work alongside three other artists admiring the play of light on male nudes.
PROJECT Q ATLANTA PATRICK SAUNDERS EDITOR PSAUNDERS@THEQATL.COM CONTRIBUTORS IAN ABER LAURA BACCUS GABRIELLE CLAIBORNE BUCK COOKE CHARLES E. DAVIS JON DEAN BILL DICKINSON JIM FARMER BRAD GIBSON JAMES L. HICKS TAMEEKA L. HUNTER HEATHER MALONEY ERIC PAULK KYLE ROSE JAMES PARKER SHEFFIELD VINCE SHIFFLETT ALEXANDRA TYLER VAVA VROOM NATIONAL ADVERTISING RIVENDELL MEDIA SALES@RIVENDELLMEDIA.COM 212-242-6863 LOCAL ADVERTISING SALES@THEQATL.COM 404-949-7071
Putting his own sexual history out there via a different medium is Keith Behrman. Self-identified as label-free, the director wanted his same-sex experiences and emotions reflected on film. We talk to him in Q Movies as Giant Little Ones opens in Atlanta with its sexy, compelling narrative that’s anything but your typical gay coming-of-age tale. MIKE FLEMING EDITOR & PUBLISHER
Doing his thing and building a cottage empire at the same time is queer native Atlantan Nick Battaglia. This week’s Q&A meets him in his well-appointed home to find out how his love of midcentury furniture and clothes became a thriving side hustle where you can find vintage gems of your own. Meanwhile, Heather Maloney is caught being sporty while trans, and the gender binary system we’re used to in athletics falls apart. In Q Voices she stands up and says enough is enough, and lets us in on the high cost of leaving her and other transgender people out in the cold. All of these folks stand before you as their own body of evidence for what it means to them to be out, proud and uniquely themselves. As in every issue, we have your back with the week’s best events in the Queer Agenda, your smiles in Q Shots galleries, another edition of 10 Queer Things in LGBTQ culture, and all the Q News you can handle from Project Q Atlanta on our homesite at theQatl.com. Start flipping pages, and shoot me an e-mail if you need us, mike@theQatl.com. theQatl.com
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE
VOLUME 2 ISSUE 17 MARCH 14, 2019
DECODER RING
On screen with Captain Obvious
COVER
22 10
Send Nudes Art of man at pb&j gallery
Q&A
13 16
29 New Digs
Vintage Vibes Nick Battaglia takes you back MOVIES
26
It’s Complicated
35 Lumbersexuals
The story behind Giant Little Ones
FEATURES Q Voices
8
Q News
13
Q Shots
29
Queer Agenda The Q
19 38
38
35 Detoxicated theQatl.com
7
Q
VOICES
T is for
Sports were a distant memory by then. I didn’t have the luxury to pursue them unless I wanted to continue standing naked in
TROUBLE
The dreams and promises of sports don’t include transgender people WHEN SOMEONE ASKS WHAT MY CHILDHOOD WAS like, I generally respond with “I try not to think about it
a shower with a dozen naked men or live the life of a man and wear a skin that never belonged to me. That didn’t seem like much of an option.
Recently, trans women in women’s sports has been a hot topic. It’s impossible not to bring up biology when talking about
something like physically intensive sports, and it’s been stated a million times that trans women have a physical advantage over cis women. But that doesn’t take into consideration hormone replacement therapy that eliminates hormonal differences. The current system that separates sports by gender mostly
excludes trans women and non-binary folks. It gives a variety of men and women the chance to follow their dreams of being an
too much.”
athlete and doing what they love, including those with disabili-
The only social events that I ever wanted to participate in were
ties, but not us.
sports, mainly soccer. It helped that in elemen-
Sure, some athletes are born into bodies that
boys and girls, so I didn’t have to feel like I was
point of most sports to be positive and encour-
might give them an edge in sports, but isn’t the
tary school soccer, teams were made of both
aging? Isn’t part of sports about being inclusive
“one of the boys” just because of the gender I
and treating everyone equally? Why does that all
was assigned.
crumble when transness is introduced?
I was a fast runner, one of the fastest in my
Themes of positivity and encouragement rarely
school, and I was proud of that. It was one of the things I could do and actually receive praise for, so I kept doing it. Still to this day, I think best when I’m on my feet walking around.
H E AT H E R MALONEY
things at all have trans people in mind.
Even if we’re inconvenient for the world, we do
Being physically active was and still is one of my favorite things
exist, and some of us are athletes.
but I didn’t.
rid of any doubt when it comes to biology, but if we separate trans
to do, so it only made sense that I would enjoy playing sports,
Some have proposed leagues specifically for trans people to get
I never got to join a girls’ soccer team. I never got to join a girls’
women from cis women and trans men from cis men, we defeat
volleyball team. When I was in cross-country, I had to go to the boys’ showers even though I got along so much better with the other girls. But that doesn’t matter. I had a penis, so I had to
be a man. Join men’s sports. Be naked around men. Never cry. Never show emotions. Suck it up, buttercup.
In high school, I hated enforcement of a world in which I had
to suffer, and I hated falling behind in classes because I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything when nobody cared about me. Even in therapy, I was told that wanting to be a girl was
inclusion. If someone says that they believe trans women are women, then say that trans women don’t belong in women’s sports, then they don’t actually believe that trans women are women.
Being a part of a girls’ team in school would have meant
the world to me, and I certainly wouldn’t look back on my
childhood with such disdain if that had been the case. While
it’s too late for me, there are still trans students and potential athletes who only want to follow their dreams like anyone else. They deserve that.
“selfish” because my parents would have to deal with it, too. They
Heather Maloney is a writer, editor, and creative thinker from
that were wrong with me, and may as well have left me to die.
full column at theQatl.com.
put me on drugs that fucked with my head, told me all the things
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have trans people in mind. For that matter, few
theQatl.com
Atlanta with a vested interest in gender and sexuality. Read her
Q
10 QUEER THINGS
Plato
Rebel Without a Cause
Monroe
Coded
Too Close for Comfort
CHARACTERS Being literal is too easy. 10 times TV and movie roles were queer without stating the obvious By Mike Fleming
Dr. Smith
Lost in Space (and every other villain Jonathan Harris played)
Gabrielle
Xena, Warrior Princess 10
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Marcie Peanuts
Ernie & Bert Sesame Street
Ursula
The Little Mermaid
Uncle Arthur Bewitched
Jo
The Facts of Life
Ryan Evans
High School Musical
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NEWS Q
Can’t Change
WON’T CHANGE
Gay lawmaker wants to ban conversion therapy in Georgia By Patrick Saunders A BROAD COALITION OF LOCAL AND NATIONAL groups is backing an effort by a gay lawmaker to ban conversion therapy for minors in Georgia. State Rep. Matthew Wilson, a Democrat from Brookhaven who is sponsoring the legislation, introduced House Bill 580 on March 5. He said he’s considered the bill — the Youth Mental Health Protection Act — since he was elected to his first term last November. “It’s kind of appalling that the state allows this to go on right now,” Wilson told Project Q Atlanta. “So I was coming at it as just a gay man, but what I did not know until I got here is that the mental health community have all been working in the offseason to put together this bill as well.” HB 580 would ban professional counselors in Georgia from giving people under 18 years old “any treatment that seeks to change an individual’s sexual orientation or gender identity, including efforts to change behaviors or gender expressions or to eliminate or reduce sexual or romantic attractions or feelings toward individuals of the same gender,” according to the bill.
State Rep. Matthew Wilson
Wilson’s bill has 11 co-sponsors — all of whom are Democrats, including all five openly LGBTQ members of the state legislature. Roland Behm, who chairs the board of the Georgia chapter of the American Federation for Suicide Prevention, said that the organization started reaching out to various state and national organizations in June about an effort to ban conversion therapy for minors. “We wanted to try and create a broad coalition of folks and organizations to demonstrate that it’s an issue that spans interest groups,” he told Project Q in January.
The legislation does not ban counseling for people undergoing gender transition. It would apply to licensed social workers, psychiatrists and psychologists, who would be subject to “discipline by the appropriate licensing authority” for violating the ban.
Behm said the bill is narrowly tailored to apply only to mental health professionals.
Wilson said he’s been assured that the bill will get a public hearing during this year’s session. This is the first year in a two-year legislative cycle.
“All the major health organizations have adopted positions or issued statements where they point to the challenges and problems associated with conversion therapy, not just in terms of suicide but in terms of broader health and family issues over the course of a lifetime,” he said.
“I’m very excited about that because that’s more than we’ve ever gotten before on this issue,” he said. “That will set us up to build the case within the legislature so that when we return in 2020 for that session, we’ll be in a better position to be able to get it passed out of the committee and onto the floor for a vote.”
“We’re not trying to intervene with clergy,” he said, adding that the ban is an issue of child safety.
Visit theQatl.com for a list of the major medical organizations that oppose conversion and the coalition of organizations supporting HB 580 in Georgia. ADDITIONAL REPORTING BY ARI BEE theQatl.com
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Q
IN BRIEF
Hate crimes law moves forward despite evangelical posturing By Patrick Saunders A BIPARTISAN EFFORT TO BRING A HATE CRIMES LAW to Georgia was reportedly being held up by evangelical opponents, who claim the legislation would lead to the arrest of anti-gay pastors who preach against homosexuality from the pulpit, sources told Project Q Atlanta. March 7 was Crossover Day, the day by which legislation must pass in one chamber of the legislature to remain active. But this is the first year in a two-year legislative cycle, so the bill would carry over into the 2020 session if it doesn’t pass this year. HB 426 would impose heightened penalties for crimes committed because of someone’s “belief or perception” regarding the victim’s sexual orientation, gender, race, color, religion, national origin, mental disability or physical disability. It does not include gender identity as a protected class, but supporters of the bill said the inclusion of “belief or perception” would allow it to cover transgender people. If HB 426 becomes law, someone convicted of a crime motivated
State Rep. Chuck Efstration
by bias would face between three months and a year in prison plus fines up to $5,000 for a misdemeanor, and at least two years in prison for a felony. The legislation enhances the penalties for misdemeanors, aggravated misdemeanors and felonies, and mandates that felony sentences not be suspended or probated.
Georgia is one of only five states in the nation without a hate crimes law. State Rep. Chuck Efstration, is the sponsor of the bill Despite the shenanigans, the hate crimes bill ultimately passed the House on Crossover Day, but still faces a tough road to become law. Project Q Atlanta was watching a handful of other measures of LGBTQ interest at press time. This year’s anti-gay “religious freedom” effort did not go forward but hangs on until the 2020 session. Visit theQatl. com for updates and full reports.
LGBTQ Georgians younger, poorer than straight counterparts LGBTQ GEORGIA RESIDENTS ARE YOUNGER, MAKE less money and are more likely to be unemployed than the state’s straight population, according to a new study. The report from the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law, released March 5, also showed that 4.5 percent of Georgia residents are LGBTQ. Georgia has the 17th highest percentage of LGBTQ people in the nation. The study also showed that openly LGBTQ people in the U.S. are more racially and ethnically diverse. “These findings remind us that LGBT people are young and old, people of color and white, they are parents, and they live in every state of the union,” said Kerith Conron, the Blachford-Cooper Distinguished Scholar and Research Director at the Williams Institute, in a press release. “Most LGBT people are not wealthy, and in fact, many LGBT people are low-income and are experiencing food insecurity. At minimum, policy-makers and service providers should work to ensure access to safety net program and services for LGBT people.” There’s also a gender disparity among Georgia LGBTQs in the report. Some 57 percent of them identify as female and 43 percent as male. Fifty percent are white, 28 percent are black, 11 percent are Latinx, 8 percent are more than one race, and 4 percent identify as “other.” 14
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The average age of LGBTQ people in Georgia is 36.2 years old, compared to an average age of 46.8 years old for nonLGBTQ people in the state. LGBTQ people in Georgia have achieved similar levels of education, but they are more likely to be unemployed (9 percent for LGBTQs vs. 6 percent for non-LGBTQs), uninsured (20 percent to 16 percent), food insecure (26 percent to 17 percent) and have an income below $24,000 (26 percent to 21 percent). Nationwide, Washington D.C. had the highest percentage of openly LGBTQ people (9.8 percent) and North Dakota had the lowest (2.7 percent). Georgia ranked 17th among states, with 4.5 percent openly queer residents. Find these full reports, and local LGBTQ news updated daily, at theQatl.com.
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Q
Q&A
Old ‘That Vintage Guy’ Nick Battaglia queers the past for on-trend vintage vibes you can own
Photo by Russ Youngblood 16
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SOUL
and rapid time of growth for art and style. I am so fascinated to see how everyday objects and pieces of clothing were responses to the political and social climate of each decade; things like the New Look of the late ‘40s, the Space Race that created atomic design in the ‘50s and the heightened awareness of liberation in the ‘60s.
By Patrick Saunders
Where do you find the pieces that you sell?
GAY ATLANTA NATIVE NICK BATTAGLIA IS AN actor and freelance designer, but he’s gaining popularity for his alter ego — That Vintage Guy.
Here and there! Atlanta is a really cool place to find vintage clothing, but I’m not going to lie, the best place to find anything vintage is Florida. They have so much beautiful midcentury modern furniture and their vintage clothing scene is really fun!
You can find fabulously curated vintage housewares, as well as men’s and women’s clothing, at ThatVintageGuy.com, and his Instagram page is a must-follow. Battaglia talks with Q about his vintage life, his most treasured item of clothing, and his burning desire to create. What started your love of vintage stuff? I grew up watching so many old movies and television shows that left a very lasting impression. Movies like Marnie, The Man Who Knew Too Much, Pillow Talk, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, The Thin Man series, plus so many more really influenced me as a child. I remember seeing their everyday objects, their clothing, their hair, their furniture, their architecture, and I always thought how it was so much more intriguing than anything I had seen in the world around me at the time. When I was 10 years old, my mother would take me to the Lakewood Antiques Market back when it was at the old Fairgrounds, and I looked in awe at the pieces. I was 11 when I bought my very first piece. I saved up the $20 to purchase an 8mm Kodak Brownie Movie Camera still in its original packaging from a vendor at Lakewood. What is it about the midcentury period that interests you? As Amanda Hallay of [the YouTube channel] Ultimate Fashion History says, “Fashion is not an island, it’s a response.” The ‘40s to the ‘60s is such an incredibly massive
What’s your most treasured vintage clothing item? When my grandmother passed away, I inherited her beaver collar coat. My grandmother and her two sisters came to this country from France, two years after surviving the bombing of Marseille in 1944. When the Cold War began and the threat of the H-bomb was going on, one of her sisters had made the coat with massive pockets hidden throughout the lining. It was designed to hold passports, money, valuables and anything else they might need if they were forced to flee or survive another bombing. It is something I will absolutely never part with. What would you do if you couldn’t create? Something like that is unimaginable to me. I’ve spent most of my life creating, whether it be performing, designing props, styling vintage shoots or cooking. A few years ago, I almost lost my focus on creativity to manage a restaurant, which nearly killed me with its unpaid overtime and blissfully ignorant owner. After that, I made a promise to myself that I would never sacrifice my happiness and creativity for anyone or anything ever again. Visit thatvintageguy.com and follow the f inds on Instagram @that_vintage_guy_atlanta
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Q
THE QUEER AGENDA The Best Queer Things To Do in Atlanta This Week
March 14 – March 20 THURSDAY, MARCH 14
Queer Eye Heroes Reunion
All the heroes from the popular Netflix
reboot raise money for Rainbow House
@ Relapse Theatre, 5 p.m. relapsecomedy.com
Film Love: Civil Rights
Three historic art films, including
Lip Sync Drag Battle
Good Man about a black trans
Moon, 5 p.m. facebook.com/pages/Midtown-Moon-Atlanta
They call the show “Life’s a Drag,” but it’s anything but @ Midtown
Nikolai Ursin’s 1967 Behind Every woman, screen courtesy the gay-
Body & Soul
run Film Love project @ the High’s
The 9th annual celebration of black men’s bodies features work from
Hill Auditorium, 7 p.m. high.org
four photographers @ pb&j gallery, 7 p.m. pbjart.com. Read our preview in this week’s Q Cover feature. Mapplethorpe
Out on Film hosts an advance screening of this festival
darling before the theatrical
release with special guests @
Michelle Malone
The blues rocker’s full band and special guest Wyatt Espalin on fiddle
take on Irish music in honor of St. Patrick’s Day @ Eddie’s Attic, 7 p.m. and 9:15 p.m. eddiesattic.com
Midtown Art Cinema, 7:30 p.m.
St. Patty’s Stoplight Party
review at theQatl.com.
@ Atlanta Eagle, 10 p.m. atlantaeagle.com
outonfilm.org and read the Q
Green means go with DJ Neon the Glowgobear
SUNDAY, MARCH 17 Bi + Ga: Healthy & Thriving
FRIDAY, MARCH 15
Join this panel discussion and resource sharing event @ The Bakery,
Shebang!
Summer comes early for Wussy’s annual
5 p.m. thebakeryatlanta.com
celebration, formerly known as Powder
March Madness
Room, features womxn and non-
Picking off the best teams on their way to a
binary DJs and hosts @ Star Bar, 10 p.m.
champion starts now on the screens @ Woofs,
wussymag.com
7 p.m. woofsatlanta.com
G8Yties Party
Armorettes: St. Patrick’s Day
Relive the 1980s or experience them for the first time @
Queens in Greens do their
Heretic, 10 p.m. hereticatlanta.com
things @ Midtown Moon,
8 p.m. facebook.com/pages/Midtown-Moon-
Nonsense ATL
Atlanta
It’s a St. Pat’s kickoff party with DJ Kimber and her gays @ The Basement, 11 p.m. basementatl.com
SATURDAY, MARCH 16 AIDS Then AIDS Now
Out on Film screens and contrasts three
films from different eras, Buddies, Paris
05:59 and Theo and Hugo (photo) @ Out Front, 12 noon. outonfilm.org Sarah Higgins
This artist talk is sponsored by Southern
Fried Queer Pride @ Mint, 12 noon.
southernfriedqueerpride.com
MONDAY MARCH 18 – WEDNESDAY MARCH 20 Dine Out For Pride
A portion of your bill benefits Atlanta Pride each day @ Doc Chey’s Grant Park, all day. atlantapride.org
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 20 Birdcage Bingo
Ruby Redd calls the balls and corrals the queens @ The Hideaway, 9 p.m. atlantahideaway.com
Find even more LGBTQ events in the Queer Agenda each Thursday at theQatl.com.
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Q
COVER
Bod of
“EJ” and this week’s Q cover photo “Anthony” by Trevor Green 22
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ies
‘Ex-flection’ by Derrick Lejermon
WORK Four artists explore the male form in signature pb&j gallery show Body & Soul By Mike Fleming
S
ince opening in Kirkwood nearly a decade ago, Bob Burkhardt’s pb&j gallery has featured diverse painting, sculpture, collage and photography works by even more diverse artists, but one exhibition each year is especially close to his heart. A photographer himself, the queer Atlanta gallery owner contributes his own artistic eye once again to the 9th annual Body & Soul exhibition, opening this weekend. Burkhardt and this year’s three other contributors — Derrick Lejermon, Trevor Green and Alex Clark — offer a taste of their 2019 show on the following pages. pb&j hosts a ‘Body & Soul’ opening with the artists and models in attendance on March 16 at 7 p.m. Show hangs until April 12. pbjart.com
‘Ken’ by Bob Burkhardt theQatl.com
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ART, Continued
“A Lily Shines” (left) and “Heavy Crown” by Alex Clark
pb&j hosts a ‘Body & Soul’ opening with the artists and models in attendance on March 16 at 7 p.m. Show hangs until April 12. pbjart.com 24
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Q
MOVIES
Coming of AGE Giant Little Ones explores sexuality and identity By: Buck C. Cooke
F
ranky and Ballas are your typical, dreamy, high school students. They’re handsome, big men on campus, best friends since childhood, and popular leaders of the swim team, and they’re about to share an intense sexual experience. Giant Little Ones chronicles the days leading up to Franky’s 17th birthday blow-out and the events that unfolds after said experience. The film opens in Atlanta on March 15, and the love story is filled with compelling twists and revelations. Josh Wiggins (“Max”) plays Franky and Darren Mann (“Chilling Adventures of Sabrina”) plays his Ballas. The film is well cast from top to bottom, including Maria Bello and Kyle MacLachlan as Franky’s parents. Keith Behrman wrote the script and directed the film, and he speaks to Q about flipping the script on the typical gay coming-of-age story. What made you want to create this film? Most of my stories are a reflection of my life. I grew up with all of these constraints and models of what I was supposed to be as a man and a human being. I am a person
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Giant Little Ones writer-director Keith Behrman
who sees life as all of these offerings. I wanted to explore the attraction that can occur between people of the same sex. I don’t identify as gay, but I grew up feeling those definitions are always very rigid. I decided to have some experiences and, after them, I felt a great sense of relief.
‘70s Street
At the time I had the idea about this script, I was in Canada, and there was a string of kids who were killing themselves because they were gay. I didn’t want to make a film about that, per se, but I did want to make a film for anyone who has ever felt constrained by the narrow ideas of what and who we are supposed to be. How did you make some of the creative directing choices that feature so prominently in Giant Little Ones?
We really wanted to capture the energy of youth, the vibrancy of these two young men and the people around them, the sense of connection of love and enthusiasm they had for life and their world. Shooting in the summertime with the trees and lots of grass helped add to that vibrancy and momentum.
it also presents the fact that we don’t have to have labels. There is a certain ambiguity for Franky, and he overcomes that. Certain definitions are placed upon him by others, and he overcomes that by embracing that positive ambiguity.
After the moment between them, everything kinds of stops. We wanted to show that break in movement. The bicycle is a motif for their relationship, so it was very important to the movement that we showed onscreen.
It was important to have people relate to the characters. We wanted people to see the humanity of all of them. We didn’t want them to be one-dimensional. The reactions to the film have been really positive. People have been deeply moved by the story. Lots of teens have said the film changed their lives, and one teen said it saved his life, so that is always so great to hear.
How can we get people excited about the incredible ending without giving it away? The ending is the epitome of the whole film. What I really like about the film is that it offers a positive ambiguity. It presents labels and people’s need and desire for labels, but
This is anything but your typical gay teen love story, with really heavy topics. How did you approach it?
“Giant Little Ones” opens in Atlanta on March 15 at Midtown Art Cinema. landmarktheatres.com
‘I don’t identify as gay, but I grew up feeling those definitions are always very rigid. I decided to have some experiences and, after them, I felt a great sense of relief.’ —Keith Behrman Giant Little Ones director
Darren Mann as Ballas in Giant Little Ones theQatl.com
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JERUSALEM HOUSE STARS PARTY
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MANSHAFT AT HERETIC
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Q
THEQ?! Not
If neither of you can adjust, maybe he’s not the right person to share your problems. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad friend. There are plenty of other people willing to listen on your terms, including professionals who might actually help.
HELPING Q
If nobody asked, the best advice can be kept to ourselves
Q
I have a well-intentioned friend who never fails to try and fix my problems. I know what’s in his heart, and there isn’t a mean bone in his body, but it’s annoying when he offers advice without me asking, and doubly so if he has no experience with whatever the issue happens to be. I find myself clamming up around him, but I worry that saying nothing when something’s bothering me just makes me seem aloof, brooding, distant, or just “off.” Plus, I can’t vent or share my concerns, so then I’m left grappling alone. Dear Abby: This reminds me of a meme that always hits me close to home as an advice columnist: “Unsolicited advice is always self-serving.” It has kept me in check in real life when I’m not being asked for an opinion. Your friend’s advice is serving his needs — to be helpful, to be a problem solver, and maybe even to cut you off from what he perceives as complaining. It’s frustrating when we just want someone to listen to a problem, but friends or family can’t seem to do so without including their solutions. It can feel like judgment, or that they’re implying we can’t fix our own issues. The underlying issue might indeed lie with him, but you can only control you. Tell him in advance that you don’t want advice but could sure use an ear or a shoulder to cry on. If he doesn’t take the hint, ask him if he thinks you’re whining or helpless, and consider ways to present it differently.
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I’m convinced one of my closest friends is either bipolar or on the spectrum. Little things over the years have
become bigger, more frequent things.
She has seen professionals and has been on who knows what medications, but it never lasts. As is so often the case with bipolar people, she is super smart and can be manipulative, so I’m not sure she’s ever given these professionals the full picture. No one else seems to notice or care, and I have picked up the pieces too many times. I don’t want to leave her in a lurch, but I’m not sure I can handle it any more. Dear Dr. Phil: When friends are like family, the temptation to do “whatever it takes” to help can be overwhelming. You’re unsure if you can handle it, and I am sure that you can’t. Rather than burn out with worry, give yourself permission to not know what to do. That includes diagnoses. You feel helpless, but it’s because you’re unqualified. It’s tempting to use bits and pieces of mental health knowledge that cross our paths, but it sounds like you might not know your friend’s full healthcare story, and definitely don’t have the expertise to diagnose her condition. Offering a distressed person a ride or a hug is one thing, but rescuing them time and again at their beck and call could actually keep them from real help. You’d be most helpful to encourage your friend to stay in treatment, to seek out new providers and second opinions if what she’s getting isn’t working, and to divulge everything to her healthcare squad. If helping your friend comes down to your own well-being, you may need to detach. It sucks, but that includes telling her that you’re not qualified to help in any lasting way, and it means learning to say no to requests that just delay her finding real help. The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to mike@theqatl.com. ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD GIBSON
JUNE 2019 NYCPRIDE.ORG/2019
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