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Ball Culture 101 February 28, 2019
Past PERFECT Vintage Finds Queer Up Looks for Every Occasion
Balenciaga Under The Gold Dome
Past Deeds & Broken Dreams Pop Culture Web of Cis White Lies
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EDITOR’S NOTE Q Q MAGAZINE THE WEEKLY PUBLICATION OF PROJECT Q ATLANTA PUBLISHERS INITIAL MEDIA, LLC MIKE FLEMING PUBLISHER & EDITOR MIKE@THEQATL.COM MATT HENNIE PUBLISHER & BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT MATT@THEQATL.COM
Something OLD
Freeing ourselves of the past doesn’t mean throwing out the baby with the bath water
RICHARD CHERSKOV PUBLISHER & GENERAL MANAGER RICHARD@THEQATL.COM
LGBTQ CULTURE AND THE QUEERS IN IT necessarily spend a lot of time
ADVERTISING SALES RUSS YOUNGBLOOD SENIOR SALES REPRESENTATIVE RUSS@THEQATL.COM
vigilant to keep our footing and gain ground in this, the 50th anniversary year of
pushing forward on that ol’ ball of progress and maybe not enough time reflecting
on where we’ve been. Like Lazarus and his proverbial rock, we must stay constantly the Stonewall riots.
Keeping the respect we’ve earned, working toward
ART DIRECTOR JOHN NAIL JOHN@THEQATL.COM
permanent equality and tossing bad systems of the past are paramount, but there are aspects of our
personal and communal history that should not be
PROJECT Q ATLANTA PATRICK SAUNDERS EDITOR PSAUNDERS@THEQATL.COM CONTRIBUTORS IAN ABER LAURA BACCUS GABRIELLE CLAIBORNE BUCK COOKE CHARLES E. DAVIS JON DEAN BILL DICKINSON JIM FARMER BRAD GIBSON JAMES L. HICKS TAMEEKA L. HUNTER HEATHER MALONEY ERIC PAULK KYLE ROSE JAMES PARKER SHEFFIELD VINCE SHIFFLETT ALEXANDRA TYLER VAVA VROOM NATIONAL ADVERTISING RIVENDELL MEDIA SALES@RIVENDELLMEDIA.COM 212-242-6863 LOCAL ADVERTISING SALES@THEQATL.COM 404-949-7071
left to the dustbin of history. This week’s Q finds but a few queer Lazaruses (Lazari?) hard at work on the future while embracing the past. MIKE FLEMING EDITOR & PUBLISHER
First and foremost is our Q&A profile on Jennifer
Barnes Balenciaga. The legislative aide at the Georgia Capitol is also a trans woman, HIV activist and
proud member of legendary ballroom family, the House of Balenciaga. We catch up with her for some insight on her fabulous life.
Her story sparked my interest in the rich influences of black queer ball culture and its place in a queer history that should remember and acknowledge the right peo-
ple. This week’s 10 Queer Things feature offers a primer on the subject. See if you knew about more than Paris is Burning and Madonna’s “Vogue.”
In this week’s Q Cover story, fashion serves, as is always the case, as an allegory for what’s happening in the world. Just as the lessons and icons of the past need never be forgotten, we can incorporate the past into our personal presentation to enrich
the present. These looks bring designs from the 1920s through the 1990s into your modern wardrobe with a decidedly queer perspective.
Also looking back, Q Voices columnist Ian Aber revisits a queer movie, and writers to The Q advice column question their own pasts. Why does pop culture focus on
gay white men? What about that road not taken in love? What if we can’t reconcile old bad deeds with new dreams? Queer truths and real talk are on the table.
As always, Q News from Project Q Atlanta at theQatl.com, Q Shots photos and the Queer Agenda calendar of upcoming events are also on tap. Dig in, and feel
free to reach out to us on Facebook, Intagram, Twitter or via info@theQatl.com. theQatl.com
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE
VOLUME 2 ISSUE 15 FEBRUARY 28, 2019
Q&A
Meet Jennifer Barnes Balenciaga
COVER
22 16
Flashback
Old clothes inform new looks
Q VOICES
13 8
31 Popcorn Worthy
Bullshit Meter
Revisit problematic promises in “Love, Simon” 10 QUEER THINGS
10
Balls Out
33 Dirty Divas
Influences and history of LGBTQ ball culture
FEATURES Q News
13
Queer Agenda
19
Q Shots
31
The Q
38
38
36 Trumping Hate theQatl.com
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Q
VOICES
Safety
hook up with a friend of his, and when he finally comes out, the straight people in his life are upset at his deceptions, but it all wraps up too nicely. We are left in Simon’s moment of
DANCE
Revisiting Love, Simon and hating its lies even more MAYBE IT IS GENERATIONAL. MAYBE COMING OF AGE in the late ‘80s and ‘90s as a queer person has shaped my view
completion. It’s as if the conventionally attractive, masculine acting and appearing, white cis male protagonist will never encounter another problem again.
The most realistic part of Love, Simon is the depiction of the
relationship Simon has with the only other out gay person at his school, a fabulous person of color, Ethan. Simon wants
to avoid and ignore Ethan, who he fears will sense or notice
he is gay, and because he’s ashamed that Ethan is visibly and unashamedly gay.
When Ethan is finally utilized as more than the measure for
of the world. Jaded it.
what is acceptably gay, he has to pause his own struggles as the
Recently I re-watched Love, Simon, a movie I couldn’t wait to
Simon with his struggle. There is an analogy here about how
be over upon first viewing. I’m all for gay love stories, but the saccharine world of the movie, shot and set in Atlanta, felt like it had no stakes, that a happy ending was
only out gay character in the entire movie to help and support attractiveness, whiteness, masculinity and cis-ness are priori-
tized in our community, how anyone who is not one of all off those things is marginalized.
almost assured from the moment heteronorma-
I found myself yelling to no one, “Ethan is the
tive Simon started his first lengthy exposition.
main character of this damn movie! Where is his story?!”
Sure, there are twists and turns in the plot
— Spoiler alert: Simon is gay and hasn’t told
Love, Simon is a product of our times, the way
anyone yet — but they feel like the twists and
the queer films of my youth focused on our
turns of the kiddie coaster you put a three-yearold on at a state fair, not the sudden and often jarring highs and lows that being queer can conjure in our real daily lives.
struggles and sacrifices and left little room for IAN ABER
like an over-correction of the past. Now we
have queer characters experiencing little or no
In the queer movies of my youth, if a queer character coughed
resistance, that it is accepted and not part of the character’s
character met someone and fell in love in Act I, one or both
But reality is more complicated than that. We can live amazing
in Act I, they had full blown AIDS by Act II. Or if the queer
of them would be attacked and or die by Act II. Those movies served a purpose and reflected the struggles of the day, but
often did not inspire much in the way of hope for a brighter future. Try watching The Boys In The Band and not wince at the double helping of self-loathing it serves.
Of course, the dangers and travails of the not-so-distant past are not the worries of queers of today, but the low-stakes
world of Love, Simon goes too far. It rings false, and instead of being swept away in the sweet little love story it is meant to
be, I sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop, for his secret lover to be baiting him into being bashed or even worse.
Sure, he is blackmailed into helping a straight douchebag 8
happy endings. The queer depictions today feel
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core struggle.
lives and be visible in ways that were unheard of even 20 years
ago, but we are always faced with homophobia in our daily lives. No matter who you are, you never stop being a person of color
or being queer in the eyes of bigots. Attacks on queer people are still attacks on our visibility.
Perhaps we will get to the world of Love, Simon for all queer people, not just the masc, white, cis male ones. In the meantime, the real heroes of the stories are the Ethans of the
movies and in life, who are out, loud and proud and deal with everyday problems and systemic homophobia with grace.
Ian Aber is a queer columnist, comic and showrunner. Read all of his columns at theQatl.com
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Q
10 QUEER THINGS
Ballroom Basics of a black queer subculture from Paris to Pose that have nothing to do with Madonna’s ‘Vogue’ By Mike Fleming
Houses Serve as alternative families and safe spaces for primarily black and Latinx LGBTQ people. In many cases, sharing the same last name and physical living spaces, including older folks “parenting” younger ones. Iconic houses include but are in no way limited to LaBeija, Balenciaga, Aviance and Xtravaganza.
History Members of the LGBTQ underground in large cities of the late 19th century began to organize masquerade balls known as “drags” in direct defiance of laws banning citizens from wearing clothes of the opposite gender. Langston Hughes wrote of drag balls in the 1920s. The balls and house of today became more organized in 1950s Harlem and popularized in the 1980s. Parallel developments were taking place in Washington, D.C., and expanding today into places including San Francisco, Philadelphia and Atlanta.
Dance Intentionally or not, Madonna’s song “Vogue” began a colonization of the modeling-posing dance style rooted specifically in queer communities of color and named for the fashion magazine. Choreographer Will Ninja, who died in 2006, is known as “The Godfather of Vogue” for formalizing and promoting the dance’s signature staccato movements and poses.
Competition Houses “walk” against each other dressed according to categories and are judged on dance skills, costumes, appearance and attitude. Participants are expected to display appropriate “realness” to the category. 10
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Categories Competitors walk in categories including Butch Queen, Femme Realness, Runway, Bizarre, Face, Body, Hands, Virgin Vogue, Sex Siren, Banjee, Opulence, Best Dressed and Legendary Icon.
Language
Terms rooted in ball culture that have gone on to become staples in gay slang, drag slang, fashion industry jargon and even mainstream colloquial usage include drag mother, work it, fierceness, fabulousness, shade, yas, mopping, swag, bling, ovah and ovahness, and RuPaul’s signature taglines “Sashay,” “Chante” and “Chante You Stay.”
Music Ball culture has been fertile ground for new forms of House music and other genres of electronic dance music. It has also launched a wave of queer Hip Hop artists and DJs.
Fashion 1980s ball culture is credited for influencing the über-sexualized cockiness and showy jewelry of contemporary mainstream Hip Hop.
Entertainment Beyonce credits ball culture as an unsung part of black American culture in Houston that directly influenced the “confidence and fire” of her stage act.
Media Attention Paris Is Burning in 1991 set ballroom on the road to global recognition. Since then, innumerable news stories in print and broadcast. Other notable coverage includes the docuseries My House on Viceland, the film Kiki, and the TV show Pose on FX. Sources: Revolvy.com, Trans Bodies Trans Selves by Genny Beemyn, Global Circuits of Blackness by Marlon Bailey
Photo from the film Kiki.
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NEWS Q
He’s OUT
Gay candidate disqualified from Atlanta City Council race By Patrick Saunders
A GAY LONGTIME CITY HALL WATCHDOG WILL APPEAL a decision by Atlanta’s top elections official to disqualify him from a race for Atlanta City Council. Atlanta Municipal Clerk Foris Webb ruled on Feb. 18 that Matthew Cardinale failed to meet the residency requirements for the District 3 race. The special election to succeed the late Ivory Lee Young takes place on March 19. Cardinale claimed that Webb’s decision is politically motivated. “The powers that be at Atlanta City Hall are terrified that I will bring an extraordinary level of transparency and accountability to city government and that I will fight for the rights of ordinary people to participate and be heard,” Cardinale said in a press release. “They are afraid of an end to business as usual. The City of Atlanta is violating the rights of the people of District 3 to vote for the candidate of their choice with this frivolous and erroneous decision,” he added. City council candidates must live at least one year in the district in which they’re running prior to the qualifying dates. In this special election, that was Jan. 23-25. Cardinale presented evidence at a Feb. 13 hearing that showed he’s lived in the Hunter Hills Community in District 3 since Feb. 14, 2018. He said he lived in an Airbnb rental in Atlantic Station from Jan. 14 to Feb. 14, 2018. When added together, Cardinale said his time at the two residences exceeds the one-year requirement. Webb said his decision to disqualify Cardinale was based on his opinion that housing through a service like Airbnb is “inherently temporary.” “Unlike hotels, Airbnb bookings are not generally considered to be of a continuous nature based on the guest’s desire to remain and ability to pay,” Webb said in his decision. “It is my opinion that a rental through Airbnb is short-term and not indefinite or continuous.”
Matthew Cardinale
Webb also said that Cardinale did not adequately prove that he intended to make District 3 “his permanent place of abode.” Cardinale argued that under the city’s own ordinances, his 32day stay in an Airbnb exempted him from paying hotel taxes as the city code considered him “a permanent resident.” Cardinale said he will file an emergency appeal with the Fulton County Superior Court and ask for a stay in the election. He will argue that Webb’s ruling is a violation of the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Cardinale entered a pocket version of the Constitution into evidence at his Feb. 13 hearing. “It shouldn’t matter if someone lives in a rooming house, their car, a trailer, a homeless shelter, a treehouse, a street corner, an extended stay hotel, an Airbnb, the Ritz Carlton or the Waldorf Astoria,” he said in the press release. “We all should have the right to participate in democracy, as long as we had one year of residency in District 3.” This won’t be Cardinale’s first time taking the City of Atlanta to court. In 2011, he filed a pair of lawsuits against the city over closed-door meetings held by the council. The Georgia Supreme Court ruled in his favor in 2012, saying that the city violated the state’s Open Meetings Act. He later showed off the checks that the city cut him as a result of the ruling. Feb. 19 was the final day to register to vote in the race. Early voting began on Feb. 25 and lasts through March 15. Find news of local LGBTQ interest updated every day on Project Q Atlanta at theQatl.com. theQatl.com
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Q
IN BRIEF
Gay Atlanta couple’s home trashed, robbed by Airbnb renters A GAY COUPLE IN EAST ATLANTA has security video of what they say is an Airbnb renter who hosted a party before robbing them of thousands of dollars of electronics, toiletries and linens.
Luke Dunn (photo, left) and his husband Rob told WSB-TV that they rented their five-bedroom home on Glenwood Avenue to Brian Williams, 23, for a three-night stay beginning Feb. 16. Luke Dunn was out of town at a business conference when he viewed home surveillance video allegedly showing Williams and two others walking out of his home with flatscreen TVs, toiletries and linens. Williams reportedly opened his Airbnb account earlier this month and had no reviews on his profile, according to WSB-TV. “We took a leap of faith on this young man and tried to allow him to rent our Airbnb with no judgment and, indeed, he ended up unloading us,” Luke told the station.
A TRANSGENDER POLICE OFFICER in Warner Robins is threatening a lawsuit against Houston County for not covering her gender dysphoria treatment.
Luke and Rob Dunn
Multiple people entered the home at approximately 10 p.m. on Feb. 16, according to a DeKalb County police incident report. People were seen leaving the house the following day with multiple items. The last subject left about 6:30 a.m. Feb. 18, according to the report. “Mr. Dunn has video footage of the front of the location, a picture of Mr. Williams’ ID card, and was paid by credit card matching Mr. Williams’ information,” the report said. The suspects also shattered a window and left trash and marijuana paraphernalia behind. Damages are estimated between $4,000 and $5,000.
Atlanta gay bar Model T reopens in Grant Park By Patrick Saunders A GAY ATLANTA NIGHTLIFE fixture that closed last November after over 25 years in business has reopened in the former home of another gay bar. Model T was forced out of its longtime home on Ponce de Leon Avenue near Ponce City Market, but owner Jill Darmer quickly got to work on securing a new spot. Model Jill Darmer T— now called, simply, T’s — takes over the former home of Cockpit on Boulevard just south of Interstate 20 in Grant Park. Last year, Cockpit rebranded as neighborhood bar Grant Park Tavern. 14
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Transgender Georgia cop fights for healthcare coverage
Darmer told Project Q Atlanta that she closed the deal to buy Grant Park Tavern from Arthur Dutton and signed a lease in January. She declined to discuss details of the purchase or lease. “It’s a great neighborhood for a neighborhood bar. We’re doing different things now,” Darmer said. “I’m hoping to bring in a pool table this week. We’re working on bringing in Keno. Then we’re going to do our poker nights. And we’re also going to do something new called bingo trivia.” Darmer also restarted a longtime Model T tradition — free homemade dinner on Sunday nights. She said T’s space is about the same size as the bar’s former home on Ponce de Leon Avenue, and that longtime Model T regulars have already started to patronize T’s.
Sgt. Anna Lange, a criminal investigator with the Houston County Sheriff ’s Office, said county officials have ignored her attorney’s request to meet and talk about covering the treatment. “The Sheriff ’s Office has treated me with respect and values my 12 years of service,” said Lange (top photo) in a press release. “But the county singles out and excludes the doctor-rec- Sgt. Anna Lange ommended care that I need simply because I’m transgender.” “That sends a clear message that my service as a public safety officer is not wanted or valued in Houston County,” she added. Lange and her attorney, Noah Lewis of Transcend Legal, plan on making public comments about the matter during the county’s Board of Commissioners meeting on Tuesday. Lange came out as female and transitioned on the job in 2017. She received support from Sheriff Cullen Talton and her colleagues, according to the AJC. She said she was initially told that her treatments for gender dysphoria would be covered, so in November 2017, she consulted with a surgeon. But she received a letter saying preauthorization for the surgery was denied due to a carve-out in her healthcare plan with Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. She missed a Jan. 31, 2019 surgery date. Lewis said he wrote to the Board of Commissioners and County Attorney Tom Hall on Jan. 16 requesting that the exclusion be removed. He did not receive a response. Hall did not immediately respond to Project Q Atlanta’s questions about the matter.
April 6, 2019 Emory University Grab some friends and spend a fun day competing in your favorite version of schoolyard games. Tug-of-war, 3-legged and wheelbarrow races, and more. Two fun events to raise money for AIDS vaccine research and local service organizations including Emory Vaccine Center, Positive Impact, AID Atlanta, Jerusalem House and HERO for Children.
May 18-19, 2019 A 2-day 200-mile bike ride across the beautiful Georgia countryside. Shorter options are available, including relays.
Register for one or both events, volunteer and/or donate to a participant at actioncyclingatl.org
Q
Q&A Serving Legislative
REALNESS
Jennifer Barnes Balenciaga, from queer ballrooms to the halls of power
as housing, LGBTQ issues, health disparities and others.
What’s something that would surprise people about what goes on day-to-day under the Gold Dome?
Most opposers of liberal issues — conservatives — are obliv-
By Patrick Saunders
ious to how it affects those liberal people and individuals. So
THE NAME JENNIFER BARNES BALENCIAGA STANDS
real life experience usually makes a huge impact on them.
out for several reasons — one being that last name. Yes, the downtown Atlanta resident is a member of the House of
Balenciaga, a major force in the black queer ballroom scene. But she’s also an Atlanta HIV activist and the LGBTQ liai-
in turn, actually having patience and the use of some facts and
“The biggest misconception [about ball culture] in my opinion is that ballroom is for everybody … It is not for everybody!” — Jennifer Barnes Balenciaga
son for queer state Rep. Park Cannon at Capitol.
Balenciaga fills us in on life under the Gold Dome as a trans woman of color, misconceptions about ball culture and her secret talent.
What was it like for you growing up in Hamilton, Ohio? Well, it is a small town filled with a lot of necessity to honor
religion instead of the acceptance of people being themselves. Luckily, I was able to have quite a few close girlfriends that allowed me the space to be exactly who I was born to be. We’re still friends to this day.
What’s a typical day like as a legislative staffer? Being the LGBTQ liaison for state Rep. Park Cannon has
brought about so many experiences and opportunities that black
people of trans experience rarely get the chance to experience, i.e. The Commerce Club, Alpha Kappa Alpha Luncheon and Black Democratic Party Dinners, to name a few. I also appreciate the
actual use of my suggestions and input on important subjects such 16
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The FX show Pose shined a giant spotlight on ball culture.
What’s the biggest misconception about that and the house system?
The biggest misconception in my opinion is that ballroom
is for everybody … It is not for everybody! I honestly have
witnessed the ballroom individuals that everyone has grown to love and idolize were built under so much pressure from
some of the most opinionated and influential people in this underground culture.
Houses and chosen families are two different entities. They
sometimes may intersect, but that is not guaranteed. Please
respect the culture of ballroom and not just the surface glitz. But the House of Balenciaga is my home.
What’s something that very few people know about you? That I vogue extremely well. My mother McDebra (Selvin) made sure of that.
Photo by Russ Youngblood theQatl.com
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THE QUEER AGENDA The Best Queer Things To Do in Atlanta This Week
February 28 — March 6 THURSDAY, FEB. 28
Morph
Nino Brown headlines the third anniversary celebration of this black queer
music collective @ The Bakery, 11 p.m.
Stars Party
The annual silent auction and cocktail party to
benefit Jersualem House @ Summerour Studio, 6:30 p.m. jerusalemhouse.org
thebakeryatlanta.com
SATURDAY, MARCH 2 ManShaft: Lumberjack
Flannel and union suits warm up this annual
Black Masculinities
Emory’s James Weldon Johnson Institute for the Study of Race and
Difference hosts this look at popular culture and its complicated rela-
tionship with African-American male archetypes @ Carlos Museum,
version of DJ Diablo Rojo’s tongue-in-cheekmasc-for-masc party, but you know, shirtless
works too @ Heretic, 9 p.m. hereticatlanta.com
4:30 p.m. jamesweldonjohnson.emory.edu/home MAAP Moxy Magic
The boutique Moxy Hotel debuts, hosting networking and drinks with LGBTQ business pros of Metro Atlanta Area Professionals @ Moxy Atlanta Midtown, 7 p.m. maapatl.org
FRIDAY, MARCH 1 The Neon Queen
You’ll never hear better
ABBA covers than the ones
Detox
Fantasy Girls Cabaret welcomes this Ru Girl for a set @ Ten, 10 p.m. tenatlanta.com
by this band @ 529 Club, 9
SUNDAY, MARCH 3
p.m. 529atlanta.com
Atlanta Bucks
The gay rugby team hosts Athens @ Boulevard
Queerly Beloved
Crossing, 1 p.m., and a Third Half afterparty @
Cast members are putting on a burlesque
Woofs, 2:30 p.m. woofsatlanta.com
panel at Clexacon in Las Vegas in April, so
they're putting on this fundraiser to go @
My Sister’s Room, 7 p.m. mysistersroom.com Queer Concert
Diaspoura (photo), Taylor Alxndr, Jamee
Cornelia and Sanguine perform @ The Bakery, 8 p.m. thebakeryatlanta.com
Brad & Francis’
Tupperware Party
Atlanta Gay Men’s Chorus and
Atlanta Women’s Chorus benefit from this super-fun, one-night-
only cabaret throwing back to the
‘50s @ Out Front Theatre, 8 p.m.
agmchorus.org Daddy Issues 2
DJ Mateo Segade graces Atlanta for this sexy traveling party, courtesy DJ Vicki
Powell’s Deep South connections @ Heretic, 10 p.m. hereticatlanta.com
Atlanta United
The local pro soccer team plays DC on TV, and they’re watching @
Woofs, 6 p.m. The gay All Stripes fan group also hosts its first watch party of the season @ Georgia Beer Garden, 5 p.m. facebook.com/allstripesatl
TUESDAY, MARCH 5 2019 Pride Awards
Emory Office of LGBT Life honors award recipients and hosts its annual
Lavender Graduation Ceremony @ Miller-Ward Alumni House, 5:30 p.m. lgbt.emory.edu
Find even more LGBTQ events in the Queer Agenda each Thursday at theQatl.com.
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COVER
It’s Your Party Dazzle in ‘20s posh, ‘60s cool or ‘80s excess
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Past Present
PERFECT Queering New Looks from Vintage Accessories By Mike Fleming
S
hopping the thrift scene, your mom’s closet and your own archives lets the past inspire a fashionable future. Keep turning the page for ideas that rock vintage vibes without breaking the bank. ď ľ
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VINTAGE, Continued
‘60s Pop
‘50s Chic
Design of a Decade ‘30s Classic
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VINTAGE, Continued
‘30s Timeless
Winter Warmth
‘40s Sophistication
‘70s Street
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‘80s Spots
Print Out
‘90s Floral
‘50s Stripes
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VINTAGE, Continued
‘50s Dandy
All Dressed Up ‘70s Sleek ‘30s Monochrome
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WUSSY WEDNESDAYS AT PLAZA THEATRE
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Q SHOTS
PALS VALENTINE BINGO AT LIPS
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PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD
DIRTY DIVAS AT TEN ATLANTA
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LOVE ON THE ROCKS WITH JOINING HEARTS
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PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD
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Q SHOTS
LOVE TRUMPS HATE WITH DJ JOE G AT DISTRICT
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PHOTOS BY RUSS YOUNGBLOOD
Q
THEQ?! Forks in the
ROAD
Big decisions, unrealized dreams, petty behaviors and bad deeds
Q
About 10 years ago, I faced a choice between the love and home that was known to me, and the chance to venture away into an unchartered life with someone new. At the time, the love of my life had grown from a friendship when we were quite young, and it fulfilled all of its promise and then some. We had been there for each other, we shared memories of overcoming hardship and of deep, unbridled human joys. The new guy was not just an adventure for me, but an adventurer by nature. Letting go of the past would mean jetting off to fulfill parts of my deepest self that had always wondered what was out there. … I recently ran into the person I didn’t choose the other day for the first time in a very long time. I see how happy they are and wonder if I made the wrong choice. How can I be sure? Dear Road Not Taken: I’ve purposely left out which path you chose so that we may all sit with a human reality and bask in its existential truth and beauty. For the purposes of this little experiment and by way of an answer, it doesn’t matter which way you went except in hindsight. None of us will ever know how the life we didn’t choose might have turned out. We can only know that it didn’t. That unchosen life doesn’t exist. A great writer once called it “the ghost ship that didn’t carry us. There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.” The trick is leaning into it. The same was true when you were back at that crossroads and when you’re at your next one: Lean into the uncertainty, go with your best gut feeling, and know that there is no wrong answer. Whichever way you go will be the way you went.
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theQatl.com
Q
When I was in my teens and 20s, I was kind of a bad person. I lied by force of habit. I stole for fun. I kept toxic secrets and hid who I was. I hurt people if it served me. I would do almost anything that I knew was wrong if I thought I could get away with it. Several years ago, I started to turn a new leaf. Working toward a clear conscience has given me untold amounts of relief as I try to balance the bad things I’ve done with good. This may sound weird, but part of me still thinks I’m just a bad person living the lie of a good one. I’m afraid of being “found out” and of slipping back into my old habits. Is there hope for me? Dear Living the Lie: Every person reading this has a dark side, and more than a handful have spent time indulging it. It’s also common to feel guilty to the point of feeling beyond redemption. No matter the level of our indiscretions and poor decisions, there are few who don’t look back and wince sometimes. There’s also a common psychological phenomenon called Imposter Syndrome — that we are a fraud and could get caught being less fabulous than we purport to be. Shrinks say it’s a manifestation of a healthy self-check system that’s just gone slightly askew. That you’re not alone in these feelings isn’t the point, but knowing that lots of other people have been where you are should offer some hope. Rather than focus on the past, focus on what you can control — the present. It’s true you are the person who did bad things, but you are also the person who takes steps every day to do better. Every “good” act changes who you are fundamentally, and Future You is built with an increasing number of those better behaviors to outweigh the older ones. Who we were and who we are do have to share the same brain and body, but they can be reconciled to coexist for a better path going forward. The Q is for entertainment purposes and not professional counseling. Send your burning Qs to mike@theqatl.com.
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