APRIL FOOLS!

W ED N ES DAY, A P RI L 1, 2015

VOLUME 56 NO. 6.5

The Prospector

CHSPROSPECTOR.COM

Student Newspaper of Cupertino High School

10100 BIRD AVENUE, CUPERTINO, CA 95014

BREAKING: MR. RIGHT REVEALED AS FOUNDER OF CUPERTINO CONFESSIONS MICHAEL SHI

features assistant

The popular Facebook page Cupertino Confessions, which has nearly 1,400 likes and is easily identifiable by its distinctive Error 404 icon, is a place for Cupertino High School students and internet users around the world to read and submit anonymous confessions. Confessions range from the dashing love confession to the more serious teenager acne rants. Yet, thanks to a shocking turn of recent events, it has been revealed that the page is actually run by Assistant Principal Mr. Right.

The confession, published on March 32, reads as follows: “This is your AP Mr. Right. I am one of the founders of Cupertino Confessions. I started this page in the hopes of bridging the gap between students and the administration. Clearly, this has gone

We doubt the legitimacy of the confession. Our administrators are too busy ... to have time to manage pages - Principal Tami Komberlain too far, and students and the staff are now too friendly.”

People voiced their various reactions in the comments. The most liked comment, which had 404 likes as of the time of pub-

All Ivy League universities send acceptance letters to rejects A technical glitch caused admission rates to rise to 90% instead of 10%

photo editor

Every student knew something was awry when the typical 10% acceptance rate transformed to a record-breaking 90% acceptance rate.

On Tuesday, March 31st, the 230,879 rejected applicants to all eight Ivy League schools received a thrilling acceptance letter from the reputable schools titled, “Welcome to the prestige!” At the same time, all 22,593 accepted applicants to the Ivy League schools received letters informing them of the “regret” that the admissions committees had to not offer the applicants a place in their Class of 2019.

Room left for Jesus Students commended for exemplary behavior at Prom

TANAY MARTIN

PHOTO BY HARRY SYLES

TANAY NGAN

lication, merely says, “same.” Another popular comment reads, “this is wrong.”

The administration declined an interview request. Principal Tami Komberlain asserted, “We doubt the legitimacy of the confession. Our administrators are too busy babysitting high school students or counting the number of Saturday School detentions passed out in the last month to have time to manage Facebook pages.”

Nonetheless, students have continued submitting their unfiltered thoughts to the page. Because the confession was submitted to a Tumblr inbox anonymously and then processed by page administrators, making it extremely difficult to find the original IP address of the poster.

flip side assistant

The eight private esteemed colleges sent acceptance letters to the rejected students and rejection letters to the accepted students - it turns out in error.

“Dear Chingsum, Welcome to the Class of 2019! We can’t wait for you to get to campus. Until then, as one of the newest members of the family, we hope you’ll show your Ivy pride,” read Chingsum Wong’s acceptance letter.

But Wong, of Cupertino, CA., knew something was wrong.

She had received a 4.9 weighted GPA instead of the Ivy standard of 5.0 and had an SAT test score of a 2390 instead of 2400.

Though she had created her own company, organized her own

In a heartwarming tale of teenage maturity and religious acceptance, Cupertino High School administrators were thrilled to report that students left ample room for Jesus while interacting with their peers at Junior Prom.

“The faculty are quite impressed by this display of wholesomeness and school-appropriate behavior.” Said Kami Tomberlain, CHS principal. “The couples attending the dance left copious space between themselves and their partner for the Holy Spirit, a practice more and more young people seem to be adopting.”

It has been reported that students kept impressive amounts of space between their pelvises while at the

Room left for Jesus, Continued on page 2

2

News

The Prospector

S TA F F 2014-2015

Cupertino High School Established 1958 Vol LVI, No. 6.5 | 2015 editors-in-chief michael kruzman tanay shin news editor michael zhong opinions editor tanay shkouratoff features editor michael lin lifestyles editor tanay kanthi sports editor michael devdhar flip side editor tanay medina online content editor michael shroff copy editors tanay pai michael ye photo editors tanay dam michael ngan business manager tanay wang media liaisons michael shieh tanay xue news assistants

michael mcclintick tanay nair michael song

opinions assistants

tanay dangoria michael pyke

features assistants

tanay patil michael shi

lifestyles assistants

tanay silva michael wu

sports assistants

tanay fertelmeister michael wang

flip side assistant

tanay martin

online assistant

michael sun

photo crew

tanay munoz

The Prospector

False Acceptance Letters Continued from page 1 non-profit organization, and found the cure for cancer, she knew it would never be enough for any Iivy Lleague to accept her.

The Ivy League schools responded by Wednesday morning, confessing the acceptance inadmissible and the rejection a mistake.

“The decision posted on the decision site now reflects the accurate result of your regular decision application,” the schools told Wong and the other jilted applicants on Wednesday morning, “We regret this technical mistake and any confusion it may have caused.”

The Ivy schools blamed a contractor for the regular decision mess. Rustchburger Wienerschnitzel, chairman of the Council of Ivy Group Presidents, said 22,593 of 253,472 applicants were accepted - just not the 230,879 who got the erroneous note.

“We apologize to the students affected and to their families,” Wienerschnitzel said at a press conference this morning. “Admissions decision days are stressful enough. We very much regret having added to the disappointment felt by a group of very capable and hardworking students.”

Wienerschnitzel’s seemingly sincere apology ended with a few controversial sentences.

Added Wienerschnitzel, “However, I am delighted to accept those that were previously rejected. After all, you do need to overcome a lot of adversity in order to be admitted to esteemed schools like ours. Treat this as a hurdle you had to jump over before entering into the gate of acceptance!”

Despite Wienerschnitzel’s congratulating comment about the now accepted students, several felt that this was an unacceptable mistake made by the Ivy Lleague system.

“This gave me so much stress. I invested 150+ hours teaching middle schoolers about planting at my local farm, worked on publishing a book in French, and lied about being a Future Business Leaders of the World competitions officer in my college applications in order to get into Coluhmbia. I even did research in Africa to show that I have a heart,” Said senior Ali Bawaj, “I shouldn’t have to be treated like this in order to get into an Iivy school - I deserve so much more!”

Many parents were also affected by the Ivy’s mistake.

Said parent Waltar Wite, “I invested tens of thousands of dollars into my child for tutoring, SAT classes, and internships so that he could get a 4.0 GPA, a 2400, and a beautiful college resume. I had a panic attack when I first heard the news that my son didn’t get into an Ivy school.

The Ivy schools should take responsibility and pay for my hospital fees because they caused the accident.”

John Hawpkins University made a similar mistake last December, inadvertently sending 294 previously rejected early decision applicants acceptance emails.

“Colleges need to stop making this mistake - it’s giving students false hope and tearing them down when they realize that their acceptance is false. Moreover, the schools are ruining their own reputation,” said college and career center advisor Ms. Arragana. “It’s all a mess.”

adviser wes peck

Editorial Policy “The Prospector” is an open forum of expression for student editors to inform and educate their readers. It will not be reviewed by or restrained by school officials prior to publication or distribution. Advisors may and should coach and discuss content during the writing process.

The staff of “The Prospector” seeks to recognize individuals, events and ideas and bring news to the Cupertino community in an accurate, professional and unbiased manner. “The Prospector” will not avoid publishing a story solely on the basis of possible dissent or controversy.

If you believe an error has been made or wish to have your opinion expressed in “The Prospector,” please contact us via mail or email. Letters sent become the sole property of “The Prospector” and can be edited for length, clarity or accuracy.

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April 1, 2015

PHOTO BY ZAYN MALIK

ROOM LEFT FOR JESUS | Students demonstrate school-appropriate behavior

and religious tolerance by leaving ample room for Jesus. The staff have commended the juniors for their outstanding behavior.

Room left for Jesus Continued from page 1 event, some even speculating that the father, the son, and the Holy Spirit would be able to fit between them.

The location of the event, The Children’s Discovery Museum, has been cited by many as a possible reason for the beacon of edification that was this years Junior Prom.

“It felt like such a place of whimsy and childhood innocence.” Said Hole Sum, resident junior. “It felt like we were crushing the dreams of a child between our bodies.

source: The College Blackboard

April 1, 2015

3

Thoughts by Maithilee

USA: Useless States of America

Montana’s average density is 6 people per square mile

TANAY KANTHI lifestyles editor

I promise you, in addition to the ludicrous obesity rates, redneck hillbilly stereotypes, and overall lack of culture that permeates the U.S., there is one reason we are the laughing stock of the world: we have 50 states. This embarrassment brings up a very crucial point that we, now as the next generation, truly need to deliberate: some states simply should not be states.

Now I’m sure each state has some rich history and background. But doesn’t 50 seem a bit excessive? Let’s take a look at two neighboring states: Wisconsin and Minnesota. Wisconsin has a population of 5.75 million, similar to Minnesota’s 5.31 million. And more importantly, both feel like hell frozen over in the winter. Let’s just make them one state! We can call it Wisconsota and let everyone have Tim Hortons, eh?

Next up, why do we even have a North and South Dakota? To me this just spells laziness. Originally, both were part of the Dakota Territory, but someone threw a hissy fit, I’m sure, and their mothers decided to shut them up by creating a compromise that satisfied no one. And, just to pour salt on the wound, no one even bothered themselves with creating an original name! They couldn’t just name North Dakota, I don’t know, Oz or something? And, this is the real kicker, the rest of the nation let them! I call for North and South Dakota to shut up and get back together again.

Now if you thought both of those were irrelevant, let me bring some attention to a personal campaign of mine. For years I have lost sleep over the most disconcerting flaw in our map, one that operates under our very noses, permeating our everyday life, carrying out its own highly sinister agenda: Vermont. They’re tiny, only visible when you get a poster map, and even then it’s the size of my pinky nail. Most people like to point out that both New Hampshire and Rhode Island are small and similar. Sure, I get that, but New Hampshire at least has that “new” in front of it. At least New Hampshire was modelled after an Old Hampshire and they tacked on the new because they felt homesick. I’ll allow it. And Rhode Island was created by cast off New England Puritans, so they’ve been through enough. But no, Vermont is just a smug little punk, sitting as its own original state, going hoohoo guess what, I make maple syrup! No, Vermont! We can get maple syrup from Canada! And not only is Vermont a pointless, frivolous, gremlin of a state, in its history, it had the nerve to be its own sovereign nation. Vermont thought it could slip under the radar of the world, but I say enough is enough. Vermont, you are DONE. A few more states could, and should, be combined to sweep out the clutter of irrelevant state lines and pointless Senate seats that continue to go to men that think they have a right over women’s bodies. Lousiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina should all become The South, officially, seeing as they nearly all represent the same conservative (cough wrong cough) views. Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Virginia all should be renamed as Onturnia, Home to a Couple Presidents. And finally, Delaware, Maryland, and New Jersey can become New Delaland, the Cold Coast State (because West Coast is best coast).

Now isn’t that so much neater?

Vermont’s capital is the only U.S. capital that doesn’t have a McDonald’s

New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona have some of the highest recorded temperatures in the U.S.

MENINISM

S W E E P S T H E N AT I O N

TANAY KANTHI lifestyles editor

I have always been a supporter of gender equality.

The wage gap is all too true an issue and the lack of female representation in Congress is a problem that requires our immediate attention. But I have always advocated for equal rights and respect, and that is why I could never actually support feminism. I simply can’t if it means I must burn my bra and wage literal war on all men.

Who is going to support the average man when society tips the balance and begins to overlook crimes committed by women in the name of their backwards, old-fashioned cause? Down with the matriarchy I say!

First, let’s take a look at society’s expectations of beauty. All women really have to do to look good is have long, luscious locks, straight teeth, full lips, wide eyes, big boobs, tiny waist, big butt, flat abs, long legs, waxed body hair, and an eternal flowery scent to them. Easy! But women these days have such high, unattainable standards for men. They need

to be over 6 feet tall for all of these ladies? I’m sorry, did you miss the memo that said the average American male height is 5’10”? How dare you discriminate against them based off something they can’t even control about themselves!

If you look around, there’s a reason most high-ranking businessmen are men. When women are in charge, they tend to be bossy. Let men do the work they’ve been made for and let’s let them be The Boss. I mean the word is after all, businessmen.

Just saying businesswomen sounds silly, so how silly must it be in practice? Plus, feminists always cry about political representation for women, but we just can’t trust women to make decisions for us. Their fickle and foolish hearts would lead us into wars we don’t need to concern ourselves with, such as the Vietnam War. They m a y make a mess of our country, like a recession. They can’t handle money; our government itself may actually shut down!

Feminism is all about tearing down men in order to rise to the top; meminism is about advocating for the political, social, and economic rights of men. Feminism talks about breaking down gender stereotypes, so both men and women could love sports and love clothes, equally without typecasting. Why are women trying to push their icky emotions onto men? They have always been the breadwinners of the family; if we allow them to cry, then who knows what happens next! They may support their own daughters in their ventures and begin to treat women with some decency, and then the world just be done for. Men should be taught to play brutish power plays to establish their dominance, the way their ancestors did in the caves. Why mess with tradition?

It’s a hard knock world out here for men. The entire system is set up against them and everytime they try to raise their voices against it, they’re said to be hysterical. It’s time to show women their place and allow the men to take control of the world! Now, if you need me, I’ll be burning down the kitchen.

Features

4

April 1, 2015

ACT I

The clouds part, and a shimmering beam of sunlight pierces the sky and shines upon the statue of the glorious Associated Socialist Body leader, Vinh Truong Un, crafted from the purest alloy of Demuthium and Ujifusilicon.

ACT III

Melindawg Moon stands upon the stage in the quad, facing a class of ASB Commissionors. She begins the national ASB anthem.

“Our beloved leader is wise. We wish him joy, we wish him peace, we wish him love. And the one thing we wish more than this… ...is for Cupertino High School to [censored]”

The crowd erupts in cheers, despite not understanding a word that was said due to the poor condition of the microphone and speakers.

ACT II

Flashing lights bombard the stage of the Robert L. Gomez theater.

Revered journalist Peter Martin sits facing the renowned rapper, Delanie “Taste the Rainbow” Skittle, as the golden words “Humans of Cupertino High” flash across the television screen.

“Some of these more controversial lyrics have been accused of being heterophobic. Lines such as ‘Being gay is really great, it’s totally worth all hate, being straight is just second rate.’ What did you mean by this?”

“You see, when I rap about something, it’s not as much about hate as it about fear. You know, some people think that my lyrics are heterophobic, but when I rap about straight people, it’s cause I’m straight”

“Wait… You just said you were straight. I’m just curious what you meant by that exactly.”

“I mean I’m straight.”

“Uh, I’m just a little confused here cause ‘straight’ can mean a lot of things.”

“I am heterosexual.”

“Meaning…?”

“I like men.”

Daniel Fertelmeister, head of production on “Humans of Cupertino High” sits in the audio booth in stunned silence. He turns to one of the technicians.

“What just happened?”

“Delanie just said she was straight… four times.

In the distant office in Room 721, a television blaring this interview flickers off, leaving the room in darkness. A shadowy hand slowly places the remote back down on the desk. Vinh Truong Un chuckles quietly to himself as he gestures to his assistant, J$ap Shin.

“I think it’s time… for a Vinhterview.”

Peter sprawls across the luxurious couches of the library, one of the only comfortable seats on campus, skimming a thrilling textbook. Without warning, Daniel bursts into the room, panting from the intensive climb.

“It’s… It’s Vinh... He wants an interview.”

Daniel throws himself down on the couch and explains the situation.

“Wait, you’re telling me that Vinh Truong Un’s favorite show is Humans of Cupertino High? He’s a fan?”

“Yeah, he asked us through Facebook to interview him.”

“Don’t they block Facebook in ASB?”

“Nah, that’s all they do in class anyway. Here’s the catch. He provides the location, the recording team, the questions, everything. He has total control.”

“But that’s a total breach of journalistic ethics!”

Peter and Daniel stare silently at each other. The two journalists break down laughing, rolling across the couch.

“Oh man that was funny… Seriously though, let’s do this thing.”

ACT IV Total darkness blankets the janitors closet. An iPhone screen illuminates the faces gathered among the mops and cleaning supplies. Peter and Daniel stand uncomfortably close to an ashen faced Allan Wu-Tang, the artist behind the hit single K.R.E.A.M. (Kelly Rules Everything Around Me). Allan finally broke the excruciating silence.

“Thank you both for meeting me here, especially on such short notice. I realize our meetingplace is somewhat… unorthodox, but this had to be in total secrecy.”

“Allan, it’s tutorial. We have literally nothing better to be doing.”

“Fair enough. Let’s get down to business.

You’re probably wondering why I brought you here today. It’s about Vinh. He’s grown too powerful.

“Yeah, I mean, Vinh promised more water fountains like, a year ago, and look what happened, we’re in a drought!”

“Exactly. And you two have a personal interview with him. You’ll be alone in the room. That’s why I brought you here. I want you to take him out.”

Silence fills the already very quiet closet.

“You mean like to dinner?”

“Like for drinks?”

“Are we talking cafeteria food?”

“I mean take him out.”

“Ooooooooh.”

“You want us to expel the Associated Socialist Body President, Vinh Truong Un?”

“I want you to go to the interview, but I want you to be ready. You shift the interview slightly, start talking about his health and exercise. Mention how toned his arms look under his new diet regimen. That’s when you get him to flex. The school has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to guns on campus, and those guns are gonna have to go.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that’s -”

“Zero. Tolerance.”

Features

The Prospector

April 1, 2015

ACT V

ACT VIII

Papers and notebooks are blown from their small metallic tables as the powerful blades of the helicopter slice through the air. Daniel and Peter stand in center of mezzanine, bracing themselves against the wind. The whirling blades come to a stop as the helicopter lands neatly between the tables. The door slides open as a (dressed however we can get a picture of her) woman steps onto the mezzanine.

by the beautiful woman whom we totally aren’t pandering to because she’s our Editor in Chief. At last Daniel managed to stammer out a few words.

“I, uh, we, uh…, yes, we are.”

“The glorious Associated Socialist Body leader, Vinh Truong Un, has requested your presence at his private residence in room 721. It is from here you will conduct the interview. You will come with me.”

“Am I speaking to Mr. Martin and Mr. Fertelmeister?”

The duo stood in awe-struck silence, captivated

And so our brave heroes boarded the helicopter, taking a trip into danger and the unknown. A trip into the heart of the Associated Socialist Body.

ACT VI

Fear and uncertainty clutches at the hearts of these journalists as they are taken far into the depths of Room 721, which was surprisingly large for a single classroom. Daniel and Peter were separated into two plush bedroom suites, another surprising feature for a public education classroom. Even while still settling in, it wasn’t long before Peter received a knock at his door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s, uh, Vinh Truong Un.” “Who?”

“The supreme leader of the Associated Socialist Body.”

A look of horror flashes across Peter’s face as he slowly realizes his mistake. He bolts towards the door and quickly opens it. On the other side stands the supreme leader himself, Vinh Truong Un.

“Heyyyyy what’s shakin’ Peter, I’m Vinh Truong Un.”

“I... Well… Hi.”

“You can call me Vinh. Wow, meeting the Peter Martin. I’m such a fan of your work. I’m kind of freaking out right now.”

“Thank you, I’m so glad you enjoy it. I’ve… Uhhhh… heard of your work too.”

“I’m so glad. Would you like the full tour?”

“Of room 721?”

“Oh I assure you, there’s much more to see.

And so Vinh led Peter through the vast and opulent corridors of room 721, talking of homework and clubs and extracurriculars. It wasn’t so long before Peter began to see that they weren’t so different after all.

“I know exactly what you mean! They never post the pre lab’s online! And it takes weeks for those scores to get updated!”

“Man, you really get me Vinh. You’re the coolest. To be honest, I thought you were going to be, well, crazy.

“Oh, but I am crazy Peter. You have to be crazy to lead the entire student body. You need to command them, to inspire them. Sometimes that means Pizza poetry, but sometimes you need to be tougher. I need to appear strong, that’s the only way I can guide these people. I want to set the record straight. So Peter, and I ask as a dear friend, will you do this interview with me?”

ACT VII

While Peter and Vinh are out bonding, J$ap and Daniel are alone together in one of the guest bedrooms. A furious thumping noise is heard from within the room.

“Thanks for helping me nail this portrait of Vinh on the wall.”

“No problem, after all, we’ve only got a few more hours until the Vinhterview begins.”

“I know what you’re planning on doing. You want to get Vinh expelled.”

“How did you know?!”

“You left your phone on the table with a reminder that said ‘2:45pm - Get Vinh Expelled’.”

“Does this mean I have to kill you?”

“No...I want in.”

5

Plush cushions and comfortable armchairs dampen the tension crackling through the air in the interview lounge. Peter sits on the left, torn between his compassion and his integrity. Opposaw ite him sits a smiling Vinh Truong Un, unaware that anything is amiss. Daniel and J$ap watch anxiously from the control room. Daniel presses down the button and speaks into the intercom.

“We’re live in three, two, one, zero. We are live.”

Peter seems to burst in motion, a smile breaking across his face as he smiled at the camera.

“Hello, I’m Peter Martin, and welcome to a very special production of Humans of Cupertino High. Here with us tonight is the glorious leader of the Associated Socialist Body, Vinh Truong Un!”

“Thank you for having me Peter, it’s a pleasure to be here.

“Let’s start with some hard hitting questions, shall we? During the difficult times facing the Associated Socialist Body, how do you like to relax?”

J$ap dejectedly collapses in a chair in the control room while Daniel watches nervously.

“He’s sticking to the script. This has all been for nothing.”

“Don’t give up on him yet. The interview isn’t over till it’s over.”

Polite and delicate lines of questioning continue to fill the air as the interview proceeds. He inquires about Vinh’s hobbies and interests, his preferences on cute animals, anything harmless. The interview was coming to a close.

“It looks like we are running out of time here, thank you so much for joining me, Mr. Un. I just have one final question… Have you been working out?”

Vinh sharply turned his head and stared Peter directly in the eyes. His smile remained the same, but his eyes told another story.

“Oh I’ve been working out alright. Working out your plan to deceive me! I know just as well as you that these guns are a violation of district policy. I trusted you Peter, I put my faith in you and you let me down. Guards, seize him!”

The doors burst open and the room fills with ASB lackeys.

“Looks like it’s curtains for Humans of Cupertino High!”

Peter runs out the door and uses his Track and Field skills to bolt up the stairs to the library. Daniel and J$ap join him, running from inside the library, chased by another mob of ASB goons.

Vinh gestures to his lackeys, who have surrounded the journalists on the edge of the mezzanine.

“Just give up, there nowhere to run”

Daniel looks at Peter.

“No… this can’t be”

One of the ASB lackeys hands Vinh an Izze drink from the vending machines.

Vinh holds the drink in his hands.

“I’m going to crush you like I’m going to crush this drink.”

Vinh tries to crush the empty can.

He can’t.

He hands the drink to Koushik.

Koushik crushes the drink with his pinkie finger and hands it back to Vinh

“I’m going to crush you just like how Koushik crushed this drink.”

He throws the can on the ground.

Everyone is silent. Dusty The Pioneer parts the crowd of lackeys, and takes a swing of his pickaxe of justice at the stunned dictator.

Dusty, with all the holy Pioneer authority in the school of Cupertino High, utters the words “Keep Tino Clean.”

Vinh is blown with an explosive force off the mezzanine, landing in a heap on the ground.

Peter looks at Daniel.

“I think you just killed Vinh”

The pair, joined by J$ap looks back at the confused ASB crowd.

Daniel puts on a pair of Ray Bans.

“They hate us cause they anus.”

Lifestyles

6

April 1, 2015

Taylor Swift hides away music in her closet MICHAEL LIN features editor

Superstar and singer-songwriter Taylor Swift recently pulled all of her songs off all streaming services, including Youtube and Dailymotion, and has locked up all the audio files in the closet of one of her many homes. The 25-year-old pop princess attributed her decision to do so to the lack of appreciation she felt her music was getting. In an interview, she stated that it was her decision to remove her entire catalog from Spotify last November that inspired her to do the same for other media services.

Declared Swift, “My music is not being fairly compensated and appreciated by people … I Knew if was Trouble to put them out in the first place … [the songs] are Mine and they Belong to Me.” All of Swift’s audio records are now locked up in the master closet of one of her four multi-million dollar homes. Fans specu-

With all of the free time that she now has, T. Swift has decided to learn how to become a private detective and solve mysteries.

late that the coveted collection of songs is likely to be hidden in her Cape-Cod style Rhode Island beach home that spans five acres and 700 feet of beachfront.

Indeed, the premises of Swift’s beach home are now heavily guarded by security guards patrolling the grounds and warding off Fearless fans desperate to listen to Swift’s music.

Beatrice White, a middle school student from Rosewood Middle School, has been camping out near Swift’s home for the last 72 hours, sustaining herself only with her tears, and plotting for ways to break into Swift’s home to take the music and thus fulfill her desperate need for Swift’s songs. When asked on how she would potentially deal with a life without Swift’s music, White expressed outright denial of such a possibility.

Cried White, “Since Taylor removed her music from all my streaming services, my life has been just a Blank Space. Everything Has Changed, and not for the better. I find no joy in my life now without Taylor’s melodious voice singing to me every day.”

While many of Swift’s fans seem to be on the verge of completely losing it, the singer herself has declined to comment on her current thoughts regarding her controversial decision. For now, the media and members of the public can only assume that Swift has decided to Shake It Off and stand by her decision.

SAME TUX AT JPROM FIGHTS RESULTING FROM THIS INFAMOUS TUXEDO HAD MANY RUNNING FOR COVER TANAY PAI copy editor

For years, high school females have been obsessing and harassing each other over junior prom dresses and it was evident in the infamous junior prom dress group. However, last week’s Junior Prom is a night that will live in infamy. Even though the males posted their tuxes in their jprom tux group; everyone wore the same tuxedo, an event that has never happened since the beginning of recorded history. Upon entering the Junior Prom

venue, all those adorning a snappy tuxedo were taken aback by the realization that they all had on the exact same outfit. “It was a tragedy. I spent days searching for the right color tuxedo, but everyone, although they saw my tux in the facebook group, still wore the exact same color,” Jarvis Omar, sophomore, said.

With a wild shriek that is now permanently engrained in the minds of all prom attendees, the first punch was splashed onto the a nearby crisp former attire. Upon reflecting on the traumatic event, Peng Gawine exclaims, “I could have never expected that anyone would [throw punch at] me. I was looking so dapper!”

Tears were shed as food was flung from every corner of the museum and incredibly dashing clothing was ruined. Yet what was more devastating than the monetary damages than the shocking battle was the emotional devastation that the prom attendees had to face.

Swage James tearfully remarked, “My life is ruined. I always expected that my prom night would be special, but today, because we were all wearing the same tux, the night was terrible.” Even those that managed to escape from the battle and sought refuge in the various artifacts around the museum were still affected by this clash.

One witness of the terrifying struggle Innoc Cente says, “Although I wasn’t there to see the worst of the battle, I could hear everything that happened. I was worried that it would last all time.” Today, the guidance office has been flooded with an innumerable amount of students seeking counseling for this brutal act as they are affected with TSD (tux stress disorder). TSD is a preventive dis-

ease; however, it takes its toll upon young juniors, if the males do not have it treated. According to Mr. Buoy, “We’ve seen a lot of horrible events, but this one takes the cake. I should just quit right now, this is the most tragic mishap I have ever seen!”

While accusations were flying, penguins cried upon realizing that their style had been stolen.

April 1, 2015

Sports

7

ALL BAND MEMBERS TO RECEIVE PE CREDITS TANAY MUNOZ photo crew

For the 2015-2016 school year, students who take band are to receive PE credit for the upcoming season. In past years, band members were still required to find alternative means of receiving PE credits, despite the heavy manual labor involved in carrying instruments such as flutes.

Though many readers may be baffled by why it took so long for our intense marching band program to receive PE accreditation, principal Kami Tomberlain provides insight.

Said Tomberlain, “What ultimately swayed me the most was the repeated ‘Pleeeeeeaase’s voiced to me by band members, along with the ‘Uuuuuuuggghh’s they uttered when filling out course selection involving PE courses. In addition, it wasn’t hard to see how band demanded more physical activity than classes like Total Fitness.”

Though students are elated to see their beloved program be recognized with the same esteem as courses such as PE 10-12, some remain bitter over already having had to seek PE credits.

“I’m so irritated this change didn’t go through earlier.

Because of band’s former status as merely an elective, I had to go out and do a sport. I discovered I had a natural talent and love for gymnastics, my fondest memories will be from partici-

pating in it. If band had been a sport already I would have never had to get out there and find that out, I could’ve been spending my springs preparing for band camp by hitting the gym like everyone else!”

Guy Tar said.

Despite some dissenting opinions, reactions among most band members were overwhelmingly positive.

Said Clare Annette, “Swag! The physical commitment band members put in is finally being recognized. Now maybe the school will look up to us like the athletes we truly are, and let’s be honest, we’re the most successful sport at Cupertino… not that we had too much competition.”

Chicken GRAVEYARD FOUND IN Pool MICHAEL DANGORIA opinions assistant

Nothing seems wrong with the Cupertino High School pool until you dive in. And even then, sometimes nothing seems wrong with the tiles and plaster the bottom of the pool. Until one catches a glance of the chicken bones, that is.

Recently, allegations from students who participated in the total fitness water aerobics unit, as well as students who are part of the swim team, have reported seeing chicken bones at the bottom of the pool. However, when school administration attempted to validate these claims, the bones would simply disappear.

The mystery of the chicken bones at the bottom of the pool remained unsolved until recently. Last week, members of the pool maintenance workers union, The Pool Tang Clan, issued a statement containing information about a document about the Cupertino High School pool found in their archives.

“Recently uncovered archives state that the Cupertino High School pool was, in fact, constructed over the site of a chicken graveyard. The graves of the chickens had been disturbed with the recent disturbances to the pool due to a boiler problem and the subsequent replastering of the pool walls,” the spokesperson for the union said.

Although the mystery of the bones has now been closed, the hands of school administration are tied when it comes to a solution. The wild and domesticated birds and foul segment of PETA, the Mother Cluckers, have stated that, if the bones of the deceased chickens are disturbed any further, they will press charges under federal grave disturbance laws.

This recent series of events has left the users of Cupertino High School’s aquatics facilities with clipped wings, so to speak. Many members of the swim team state that while they understand the legal concerns of the school in regards to the chicken bones, they wish that the administration had not chickened out in their resolution of the problem.

Names of the chickens identified

Mr. Canyucky Friedman Mr. Yummy Tummy Mr. Moodle Soup Ms. Leafie Salad Ms. Tastie Nugget Ms. Marsala W. Rice

Flip Side

April 1, 2015

8

SEPTEMBUARY IN PHOTOS

WATER FOUNTAINS | School water VINH OR LOSE | Ousted former

DUSTY STRIKES GOLD | Gold discov- BOY’S LACROSSE | Lower field fountains continue to dispense dirt as President Vinh Truong Un looks dejectely ered in Mr. Morse’s old archives. appears empty after Cupertino’s statedrought continues. upon his falled kingdom. champ lacrosse program is cut.

NEW PERSPECTIVES | Newly

crowned King Sharma basks in his power.

Feminism Crossword An insightful look into women’s rights in the 21st century

RUSKI

PROBLEMS COMRADE KRUZMANOVICH peasant

Down: 1. Man-haters 2. The only thing the Prospector ever covers 3. Emma Watson

Across: 4. Maithilee Kanthi 5. Opposite of Meninism 6. No Uterus, No Opinion

NEXT MONTH: NEW HAMPSHIRE 13/3 - AP RUSH HONORS TEST

13/21 - LACROSSE STATE FINALS

13/5 - ORGAN DRIVE

13/25 - FRESHMAN DITCH DAY

13/7 - WHITE LIGHT RALLY

13/30 - LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

I wake with rise of sun. Face east and salute statue of Comrade Putin. Must never forget, KGB always watching. One morning brother failed to salute. Was taken to gulag.

Such is life in Moscow.

I walk outside and begin digging potato.

Must meet quota of potato yield, or must tell inspectors that I have enough potato. I am not good at math. School taught only Russian allegiance and works of Tolstoy. Do not know what numbers to make up. Must grow more картофель.

Water in well is frozen over. I see dead body of dog that froze to смерть. I drag dog into well to break ice, ha-ha get it ice is now broken. Ha-ha. What will I do once погода warms and dog begins to rot. Will dig new well.

I put on перчатки and пальто made of fur of the wolf. Farming potato until sun is below горизонт. Government посланник comes and говорит мне, that мне не удалось to salute the statue of Comrade Putin at соответствующий 45 degree angle, и теперь я должен be exiled to Siberia где я буду выращивать больше картофеля для российских министров for vodka навсегда. Такова жизнь в Москве.