Column: Forming my own identity

Forming my own identity

Unveiling the reality of a younger sibling living in a pre-written path.

RAJASI LADDHA

features editor

My early childhood was filled with afternoons in Collins Elementary

School under the blistering sun potting plants with the Garden Club, eating Otter Pops during the walk-a-thons and solving accursed math timetable sheets after lunch.

As my second-grade teacher handed me my bright yellow timetable quiz, my eyes flitted around to see if anyone received the same colored sheet as I did. Across the classroom, I spotted a few green sheets on my friends’ desks and my heart plummeted. I hoped no one would notice that I was handed the lower level yellow sheet and that I failed to move on to the green sheet for the third week in a row. My friends needed to believe that I was smart, just like them with their lovely green timetable sheets.

I blamed myself for not being intelligent enough, not being more like my idol -- my older sibling who I imagined would have been able to clear each sheet on the first try. At the time, I was only seven years old.

Growing up in the Bay Area, I had to learn to accept the constant academic pressure as my cruel reality early on, much like many who were raised in Silicon Valley. Moreover, as a younger sibling, I also grew up listening to my parents telling me that I should follow in my older sibling’s footsteps since they were doing so well. So I took my parent’s advice

FORMING MY OWN IDENTITY

RAJASI LADDHA

and ventured in those footsteps, living under the heavy weight of the shadow my sibling’s figure ahead cast on me.

I joined the same clubs they had in the past and took up similar hobbies. Essentially, I tried to become a mini version of my sibling.

However, we were not the same person and I was not able to perform at their academic standard.

In an attempt to encourage me, my parents fed me tales of my sibling’s accomplishments in school: their work ethic, grades, time management skills and more. I started to develop an inferiority complex towards my sibling.

As a few years passed by, I transferred to a private school where the academic pressure nearly doubled. It was the first time my path diverged from my sibling’s, but the added stress meant my grades plummeted below where my sibling’s grades had ever been. The weight of my sibling’s shadow came crashing down on me again, and this time it was heavier than ever.

This cycle repeated many times in the next few years as I attempted to shed their shadow by doing something different, whether it was doing classical dance instead of Bollywood or joining clubs they never did in school, only to burn out over and over again. I chased after that high bar they set for me, the pathway they paved before me; striving to be more perfect, to get better grades as long as I could at least touch that bar. The academic stress of private school and its highly competitive atmosphere increased the mental baggage I carried. I was bending over backward trying to achieve

more than my sibling had while forming my own identity based on who I was not another version of my sibling. My inferiority complex worsened as I used whatever means I could to be better than my sibling in the eyes of my parents, whether it was sleeping just four hours a night to study a little more or developing calluses from hours of dance practice. The constant comparison coupled with internal and external pressure culminated in self-doubt, low self-esteem and mental health issues. I felt as if I was back in my second-grade classroom, anxiously comparing myself to my peers and the image of my elder sibling I created in my mind. I am still learning how to accept myself and how to manage a good relationship with my sibling to this day. So are many other younger siblings, as my story is a common nar“ I WAS NOT ANOTHER VERSION OF MY SIBLING. rative, especially in the Bay Area. I hope RAJASI LADDHA ” that someday all of us can heal our inner second-grade self and grow as o u r own individu als