5000 hares have escaped from the zoo. The police are combing the area. It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural. A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.” It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer. A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame. I've accepted the fact that being cremated is my last hope for a smoking, hot body. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'. I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor, that's just beneath me. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering. Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left. A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200. Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. A funny criminal is a silicon. Love is like a machine... sometimes you need a good screw to fix it. A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent. Math teachers have lots of problems. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. Mummies are bound to be uptight. A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy! My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies. My girlfriend says I never take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to a gas station. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining. My grade in Marine Biology is below sea-level. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. My neighbour is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone’s throw away, in fact. A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. My neighbour just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me. A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive. My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum. A novice skier often jumps to contusions. My skiing skills are really going downhill. A paediatrician is a doctor of little patients. My student was late for class, claiming he was in the washroom. I think he was stalling. A plateau is a high form of flattery. My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it. A prisoner's favourite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
My watch broke yesterday, but I guess every clock has its time. A relief map shows where the restrooms are. My wife is a Mensa member and a seamstress - she's a clever sew and sew. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. My wife tells me I'm a sceptic - but I don't believe a word she says. A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. Never invest in funerals, it's a dying industry. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka-Seltzer. He said, 'I can't believe I ate the hull thing.' No more Harry Potter jokes guys, I'm Sirius. After kissing a girl in back of the gym for several hours I said, "You know, this isn't working out." No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation. Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive. Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.
Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies. Nylons give women a run for their money. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience. Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle. On the other hand, you have different fingers. As the shoe said to the hat, 'You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot'. Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous. I know, one of them has just been serving me. A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. “Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.” I was recently diagnosed with colour-blindness. It came out of the green. What to call a bear who’s lost all its teeth? – A gummy bear! The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar. Things get tense. Why did the lights go out? They liked each other a lot. Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day. They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere. Why did the banana have to go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling too well.
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years. Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything! Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail? The retail store of course. The rabbi really messed up that circumcision. It was a total rip-off. A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case. I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France. De-Brie everywhere.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It's two gross. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet! Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers. Pencil sharpeners have a tough life - they live off tips. Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point? Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future? People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless. Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners. Butter is an angry goat. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder. Sex on TV can't hurt unless you fall off. Can February March? No, but April May. She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. She only dated hairy men, so I grew a beard to be hirsuter. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease. She said she never sat for the artist. The fact she is now being portrayed as a painted lady is a frame-up. Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day. She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.
Crosswords are what you hear when you distract someone working on a puzzle. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera. Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. So, you’re not afraid of ghost puns? That’s the spirit! Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. Some people don't like food going to waist. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway. Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them. Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!” Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out. Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Tennis players don't marry because Love means nothing to them. Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers. The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line. England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool The Board of Directors of the Brewery prepared their first draft before commencement! Fishermen are reel men. The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check. For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. For plumbers, a flush beats a full house. The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Greengrocers earn a meagre celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed. The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up. Haunted French pancakes give me the crĂŠpes. The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming. The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar. Things get tense. Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded. The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum. He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person. The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed. The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. He said I was average - but he was just being mean. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
The museum curator was brilliant at judging sculptures and paintings. He displayed art official intelligence. How did I escape Iraq? Iran. What do you call your sweetheart when she loses her eyes? No idea. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize. How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless. I always take a second pair of pants when I go golfing... in case I get a hole in one. The proctologist reassured the patient that his condition could be rectified.
I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it. The rabbi really messed up that circumcision. It was a total rip-off. I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because I've been tripping the whole day. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. The royal family moved into my neighbourhood. They live Tudors down. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.
I control the weeds in my lawn with the help of my friend, Herby Side. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan. The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. The trampoline was on sale for fifty per cent off. Needless to say I jumped on the offer. I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak. The two guys caught drinking battery acid will soon be charged. I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. There was a fight in the candy store. Two suckers got licked. I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab centre that said 'Keep off the Grass'. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx. There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France. De-Brie everywhere I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static! There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
I get my large circumference from too much pi. There were a bunch of pillows at the store. I took one and my friend took the rest. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. I hate insects puns, they really bug me. They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter none of them work. Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. I keep walking methodically back and forth. I have to learn to pace myself. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning! To some - marriage is a word to others - a sentence. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
To the guy who invented Zero. Thanks for nothing! I met a girl at an internet cafe, but we didn't click. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird, dozentit? Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
I never knew eggs were good for the eyes, but my cousin claims they gave him eggcelent vision. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighbourhood and one of them was a-salted. I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realized that I was getting a head of myself. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway. I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. I probably have blind spots, but I don't see them. Velcro - what a rip off ! I put the "fun" in dysfunctional. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. I really do have a photographic memory -- I just haven't developed it yet. Weight loss mantra? Fat chants! I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one. What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall? Dam!!! I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen. What did the sea say to the sand? Nothing, it simply waved. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted. What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All my presents this year came from Amazon What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest What do you call a piano built in Miami? The Florida Keys. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink. What do you call Batman disguised as a pastry chef? The Crépe'd Crusader. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job and I made my own hours. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. What would you call the child of a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite. I used to do balance and rotations at an auto shop. I felt like I was just spinning my wheels and decided to retire. What is the computer’s favourite food? Microchips.
I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then. What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tyre. I used to hate maths but then I realised decimals have a point. What to call a bear who’s lost all its teeth? A gummy bear! I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. What would you call a fish with a missing eye? A fsh, probably.
I used to work at a knife factory, but then it got dull. What you seize is what you get. I usually take steps to avoid elevators. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store. I heard I could get thinner there. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania. When a fellow in Venice was planning a party, he asked his wife if they should invite Othello. She said, 'Sure, the Moor the merrier.' I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me. When a female sheep turns around and goes the other way it makes a ewe turn. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party. I was going to tell a Mexican joke, but that's just crossing the border! When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. I was recently diagnosed with colour-blindness. It came out of the green. When chemists die, apparently they barium. I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.
When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on. I went on a strict alcohol diet. So far I've already lost four days and a sense of shame. When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland. I work out religiously - Christmas and Easter.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder. I would tell you a leech joke, but it would suck anyway. When the Dalmatian ran away, he was spotted two blocks from home. I wrote a book about birds. It flew off the shelf. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted. I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot. When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted. I’ve heard about a scarecrow that won a prize. It was totally outstanding in its field. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent. I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence. When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed? When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart. If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible? When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'. If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humour. When you buy a cork board, do you pay thumb tax? If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler. Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail? The retail store of course. If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster. Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday. If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine. If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack! Whoever served up the wine at that banquet did a pour job. I'm bad at math, so the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a crap in days. Why can't you trust Satan's resume? The devil lies in the details. I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star. I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding. Why did the banana have to go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling too well. I'm inclined to be laid back. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey. I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor. I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks. Why did the lights go out? They liked each other a lot.
I'm not very versed in writing songs, so I refrain from doing it. Why did the snowman smile? Because the snow blower is coming. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out. I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?� Because every play has a cast. In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up. Why do you barely ever see the sun inside a classroom? It’s got enough degrees already. In the room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.
Why is the math book so sad? It's got too many problems! I's better to love a short girl than not a tall. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Is Google a woman? Because it won't let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? It’s two gross. It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. You can raze a tree with a lumber jack. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you! Your gene pool could use a little chlorine. I've been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.