”STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS” DVD REVIEW BY Phil Seahorn philseahorn@gmail.com
May 3, 2016
Theatrical release poster
Directed by
J. J. Abrams
Kathleen Kennedy J. J. Abrams Bryan Burk
Lawrence Kasdan J. J. Abrams Michael Arndt
Produced by
Written by
Based on
Characters by George Lucas
Starring
Harrison Ford Mark Hamill Carrie Fisher Adam Driver Daisy Ridley John Boyega Oscar Isaac Lupita Nyong'o Andy Serkis Domhnall Gleeson Anthony Daniels Peter Mayhew
Max von Sydow
“ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS?” “I’M A BIG DEAL WITH THE REISISTANCE.” HANG IN THERE, BRO.” And of course, the 50 foot, “Lord of the Ring” style villain hidden in shadows and a fucking cave. Yeah, George Lucas would have MOST ASSUREDLY had shit like this in one of his “Star Wars” movies. Except, this new version that came out six months ago did not HAVE George Lucas. And that is EXACTLY why this piece of shit is, well, a PIECE OF SHIT. Now, it’s bad enough that one is shelling out close to 50 dollars to go see a movie. Add to that said movie being an AMERICAN POP PHENOMENA FOR 40 YEARS, and one might understand that I was not going anywhere NEAR a theatre to see this movie. The fact that some Americans are too motherfucking STUPID to distinguish a PUBLIC MOVIE THEATRE to THEIR OWN FUCKING LIVING ROOM, TRAILER PARK, CONDO, WHATEVER, I have been to movie theatres in ALL DEMOGRAPHICS back home in St. Louis, and it’s the same dysfunctional behavior in a public movie theatre by Americans everywhere I went. Add all that up, and a movie franchise that I have devoted TIME, MONEY, and HEART was something not to be seen in an American movie theatre. But NOW, after seeing the movie on DVD, I can understand why fans of the franchise (me) would have, and did back in the early release reviews of the movie when it premiered in theatres, HATED this movie. I knew there was far more going on to this movie, especially when noted movie critics started calling this JJ (I’m stuck with rehashing shit and making in modern”) Abrahms piece of shit, well, a piece of shit. I also knew that this movie was going to be a piece of shit when George Lucas said he DEEPLY regretted his decision to sell out to
‘”THE MOUSE.”
Here’s my take on: “STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS”. Well, for my money, “The Force” could have used a few extra decades of sleep on this monstrosity of an edition to America’s most loved American Science Fiction pop icons . Yep, I said it: “STAR WARS “is more popular than ‘STAR TREK.” This review is about the DVD release of this movie, so I’m not going to get into details as to WHY “Star Wars” is more important to the American Diaspora than “Star Trek.” This new installment to the “Star Wars” franchise, first off, IS NOT A “STAR WARS MOVIE.”
Let me type this again: THE NEW (six months) J.J.ABRAHMS “STAR WARS” MOVIE HAS ABSOLTUELY NOTHING TO DO WITH “STAR “OR “STAR WARS” CANON FOR THAT MATTER. From what I could understand, Lucas had made SCATHING remarks on how this was simply NOT HIS VISION of a “Star Wars” movie for 2016, and NOW I can fucking understand why. There is a writing style that comes across in all genres if one looks for it. Lucas has made a DEFINITIVE NARRATIVE of what he envisions the "Star “universe to look like. George Lucas’ science fiction opera narrative has been a part of Pop Americana, and American science fiction in general, for 40 years. From the early paintings in Apartheid America by Ralph McQuarrie (check them out, he was the first “Star Wars” artist and visionary who essentially shaped the entire look of the first three installments of the franchise) , and they even kept that style when digitized to C.G. fifteen years ago for the second of three installments of the franchise. Abrahms 2015 release of “Star Wars” is just a bunch of locations shots substituting for C.G.I. created alien worlds. FAR, FAR too much realism, or should is say “EARTHISMS.” “EARTHISMS” are things in a science fiction movie that remind a viewer that they are INDEED watching JUST THAT: a science fiction movie. This effect in any movie (“Earthisms”) ABSLOUTLEY DESTROYS the magic of watching a really good movie and experiencing a truly ESCAPING experience. Abrahms had too many location shots and regular shots in settings that could be found ANYWHERE on Earth. Then there’s the character with the irritating as a motherfucker character with the big ass eyes. I know that Lucas has put in interesting (or incredibly irritating) alien characters as plot drivers.
Disney’s JIMINY CRICKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But this, well, thing looks EXACTLY like motherfucking
Next to Jar Jar Binks, I was WAITING for that little weird alien irritation (“I CAN FEEL THE FORCE.THE FORCE IS EVERYWHERE to get whacked. Then there was the dream sequence. Okay, WHAT????!!!! All of this was to introduce the lightsaber that belonged to Luke Skywalker (which Mark Hamill, obviously not the fool, made it a point to be in the very last 5 minutes of this fiasco) and served NOTHING. Just a lot of the scenes in this movie, THEY SERVED NOTHING. The character of Finn?
Completely and utterly useless to the storyline. Why the fuck was he even IN the movie? The pilot could have just sent the droid (which was the best actor in this ENTIRE piece of shit, so that says a lot there) to fetch the desert chick (just look for her name in the credits at the top of this DVD’s review, I really can’t even type these asshole’s names) and the movie STILL trolls along. NOW I understand the controversy around this character and the actor that portrayed him: USELESS AND USELESS. Now, back during the middle of winter, I was all behind John Boyega. I supported him because the fans were really hating on this cat. However, not ONE review or post on this cat gave specifics on why they hated this cat, and I know this was all a part of the lunacy of the “Star Wars” fan base not to let spoilers out, but really, Boyega, during his entire performance in the movie, seemed to SERIOUSLY try to stay awake during the whole movie by overacting. I mean, right down to the eyeballs sticking out, mugging shit. Bad lines, bad performances, Boyega REALLY better shine in the sequel. But in this DVD, he was COMPLETELY USELESS AS A CHARACTER. I call out Disney on this: Just Google “racist shit in Disney films” and you’ll see that Disney, as reflective of its POP AMERICAN status as almost godlike in America, and fuck, the world, has put in “Easter Eggs” in a lot of the past Disney films. Added to this the fact that Hollywood is under extreme pressure for inclusion for inclusion sakes, and viola, the creation of this character in the new Star Wars movie called: “FINN”. And make no mistake: if Disney had to put a nigger in its new “Star Wars” movie to appease the “exclusionist” then “we” at Disney are going to make absolutely damn sure it reflects how "we” really feel about African Americans, ESPECIALLY African American men. So, they name the character: “FINN." See where I’m going with that? The cat that played the rebel pilot sent by weirdly thin Carrie Fisher as Princess Organa (can a70 year old woman still be a “princess”) had lipstick on! Check out the scene where they wrap up the attack on the butt crack looking world destroying weapon.
WHY DID THEY MAKE THIS NEW “DEATH STAR” LOOK LIKE, LITERALLY, A HUMAN ASSHOLE????????????????????????????? Okay, I HAVE to go there:
See, Disney likes to do shit like this, just Google shit like:” hidden porn in Disney movies” or “hidden body parts in Disney movies’ and you’ll see what I’m talking about. The desert chik? WHY THE FUCK ID THEY ALWAYS HAVE SHOTS OF HER FROM BEHIND??? Now, I’ll admit that she had a very feminine walk, but EVERY FUCKING SHOT OF HER? It’s like a “JLO” flick and videos: all shots of her ass. She can’t act. She can’t act at all. In fact, there were times watching the DVD where I just cringed. The scene with Finn and her after the escape in the desert on the “Millennium Falcon?” Two bad actors in a bad scene with bad script written dialog. It was just, well, BAD. But the scene where his crew?
Harrison Ford (my hero) as Han Solo asked her to join
Now, there is ACTING, and then there is :”I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M STANDING NEXT TO HARRISON FORD AS HAN SOLO AND I’M IN A FUCKING “STAR WARS MOVIE” look she has as she is , well, check that scene out. It’s like, yep keep taking me out of the movie and into looking at a 50 screen a fan girl in cosplay looking at Harrison Ford dressed as “Han Solo”. THAT IS EXACTLY HOW THAT SCENE CAME ACROSS.
AND YOU DON’T KILL OFF A RETURNING AMERICAN POP ICON AFTER, WELL, RETURNING HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! Max Von Sydow is only used in movies to get a last minute, “Hail Mary” save of the motherfucker. Well, his addition, sadly, did not work. And they kill him off, right at the beginning of the movie. THEN, we get EXTREMELY UNSETTLING ACTS OF VIOLENCE IN A DISNEY MOVIE in the form of mass killings of women, men, and children in the beginning of this new “Star Wars” DVD. This occurred in “GUARDIANS OF THE GALALXY” in the scene where Groot IMPALES ABOUT 20 MEN, THEN WHIPS THE EMPAYLED MEN INTO A WALL, CRASHING THEM WHILE THEY ARE BEING IMPALED!!!!!!!! AND THEN TURNS AROUND AND SMILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m like: “OH SHIT.” THIS IS A DISNEY MOVIE?!! So it was with that opening scene. Lucas did this in an IMPLIED way in “ATTACK OF THE CLONES.” But hearing the screams of the women and children whole seeing them blasted (they did eventually cut away) but SHIT , mass killings in a “Star Wars” movies? TOO REAL. See where I’m going with this? Good points to this total piece of shit DVD release: well, that would mean it’s NOT a total piece of shit, but fair is fair: the new DVD drew some emotion from this (since 1975) old fan. CREATING A NEW AND EXCITING “STAR WARS” CHARACTER: BB-8 was extremely entertaining, with more character than R2-D2 and C-3PO combined. GREAT SHOTS OF THE MILLLINEUM FALCON: scenes of the old bird drew some emotion. SEEING HAN SOLO AND PRICNESS LEIA ON THE SCREEN AGAIN: Priceless. Great production, great sets (even if too realistic), great CGI, and the story never lagged overall, good steady pace thru the entire telling. BEST AND MOST EMOTIONAL SCENE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE, WHICH REDEEMS THIS PIECE OF SHIT. To a certain point. The VERY LAST SCENE: of the majestic overshot of Skywalker and the desert chic as she offers Skywalker his light saber. Okay, lost it then: very emotional, and for a 40 year fanboy like me, made me actually stand up in front of my laptop, and clap. THAT SCENE CONVEYED NOT ONLY THE DEPTH OF THE INPLICATION SOF THELIGHSABER RETURNING TO THE HANDS OF THE LAST JEDI AND WHAT THAT MEANS FOR THE ENTIRE STAR WARS UNIVERSE, BUT THE WHOLE DEPTH AND SCOPE OF AN AMERICAN POP CULTURE PHENOMENA THAT HAS LASTED ALMOST 50 YEARS. SOMEBODY took Abrahms aside and said: ’THIS AIN’T “STAR TREK”, MOTHERFUCKER,” and Abrahms got it. That scene will even get MY burnt umber, middle aged ass into theatres for the sequel. But this actual DVD itself? This new DVD installment of the "Star Wars "franchise in 2016, the intention of George Lucas at this stage of his involvement with his own franchise is questionable. Does Lucas want to completely walk away from the "Star Wars" franchise?
The aspect of him going public with his extreme displeasure with selling his creation to "The Mouse" is public. His constant public statements that this new installment to his Pop Americana movie franchise is
absolutely not what he envisioned is an
understatement. Add to that the extreme displeasure of the hardcore "Star War " fans (again, 40 plus years of devotion) to this movie franchise installment in 2015,even with the final DVD release that is so generic as to be missed going thru the Netflix or Redbox new releases that the new DVD just adds to the overall disappointment. The DVD is just that: the movie. THAT'S IT. Absolutely nothing. And that is exactly what this new DVD of "Star Wars" is. Nothing. SEAHORN MOVIE METER: “solid B” for at least not fucking the franchise up (it's an entertaining science fiction movie), but really, the title of future flicks should be: “A MOVIE BASED ON CHARACTERS CREATED BY GEORGE LUCAS FROM DISNEY". Future "Star War" movies won’t be, and unfortunately, until Lucas returns to the franchise, will NEVER be, ‘STAR WARS” movies, EVER AGAIN.