zen den wisdumb
These dialogues belong to all cultures and all times. Meant to be funny, the joke is on us. The arrow of each story is always pointed between our ears. The stories appear in many guises with various interlocutors and adapted vocabularies. Nevertheless, their intent is always to awaken.
FRICK AND FRACK Frick: Is it possible to see 'what is'? Frack: You are seeing it right now. Frick: Why don't I recognize it? Frack: Because you distort it by means of thought. Frick: I don't understand. Frack: When the cold winds blow, water turns into hardened blocks called ice. When thought intervenes 'what is' is fragmented into a million hardened pieces called 'cpncepts'. ZIG AND ZAG Zig: I think the word Hawaii is pronounced “Hawaii” Zag: On the contrary, I think that the word Hawaii is pronounced “Havaii” Upon landing in Hawaii, they eagerly looked for a local resident to resolve their dispute. Zig & Zag: Aloha! Do you pronounce the word Hawaii “Hawaii” or “Havaii”? Wag: “Havaii”! And a varm velcome to you both! TO AND FRO To: I will go anywhere to find truth. Fro: When are you going? To: Where you tell me to go. Fro: Travel in the direction in which your nose is pointing. To: Yes. But where do I stop? Fro: Anywhere you wish. To: Will truth be there? Fro: Yes. Right in front of your nose, staring your unseeing eyes in the face. ROSE GARDEN A king announced a visit to a monastery famous for its exotic roses. At the monastery garden, he found only one rose. The head monk, a sage, had cut off all the other roses. The king demanded to know why! Sage: I cut them off because if I had left all the roses on the bushes you would not have seen even one of them. You have grown accustomed to multitudes, my friend. When did you last see a person?
DEALER AND MONK A drug dealer went to a monk to beg him to hide contraband in his monastery. The monk grew indignant and demanded that the man leave the monastery at once. Dealer:“I’ll give you a hundred thousand dollars for your charities! Monk: No. Dealer:Two hundred thousand! Monk: No. Dealer: Five hundred thousand! Monk: Get out this minute. You’re getting too close to my price. CURE Madam: Can you cure my cold, Doctor? Doctor: No, I can't, Madam. Madam: Can you do nothing? Doctor: I suggest you go home, take a hot shower, then before drying yourself, stand naked in a draft.. Madam: Will that cure me? Doctor: No, but it will give you pneumonia. I can cure that. ORCHESTRA Player: Can I play in the orchestra? Conductor: Do you play an instrument? Player: No. But I see a man waving a stick around while others play. I could handle that job. RABBI The Rabbi bent over a lifeless figure on a bed. Rabbi: I’m sorry, but your husband is no more, my dear. Patient: No, I'm still alive. Wife: Hold your tongue!! The Rabbi knows better than you! PRESENT Junior: How long is the present? A minute? A second? Senior: Much less and much more. Less, because when you focus on it, it's gone. More, because if you enter it, you will stumble upon Eternity.
THINKING Commentator: There is no good or ill but thinking makes it so. Listener: How so? Commentator: Have you ever observed that what people call 'congestion' in a subway train becomes the 'scene' at a rock concert? NORMAL Conun: Ask normal people if they are normal, and they will assure you they are. Ask crazy people if they are normal, and they will assure you they are! Drum: Well, if you realize you're crazy, you're not so crazy after all, are you? PSYCHOANALYSIS A man went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as a workaholic. He had to take a second job to pay for the therapy. COMPLAINER Complainer: My neighbor is so dirty. Look at those black streaks on the sheets and towels on her clothes line! Friend: The clothes are quite clean. The streaks are on your window. RELIGIOSITY Penitent: I stole an expensive Bible at work." Confessor: "What on earth made you steal a Bible? Penitent: My religious disposition. EDUCATION Mother: When should I begin my daughter’s education? Professor: How old is she? Mother: Five. Professor: Hurry up! You’re five years late already! GAMBLER Las Vegas gambler: Can you spare me $25, sir? I haven't eaten for two days and I have no place to sleep. Stranger: How do I know you won't take the money and gamble with it?
Stranger: No way. Gambling money I already have with me. BOOKS Wise man: Books Kill. Fool: Why do books kill? Wise Man: Books breed ideas that can freeze into beliefs, causing a hardening of the mind and a distorted perception of “what is”. LIKE FATHER LIKE SON A Young barber: I’m exactly like my father. Customer: In what way? Young barber: My father imitated no one. I imitate no one. THE MYSTIC’S WIFE The mystic’s wife bought a pet monkey. Mystic: What’s it going to eat. Wife: What we do. Mystic: Where will it sleep. Wife: Where we do. Mystic: What about the smell? Wife: I put up with it. The monkey can too. THERAPIST Patient: You have still given me no method. Therapist: Method? Why do you want a method? Patient: To attain freedom. Therapist: You need great skill to set yourself free by the trap called a method. INSPIRATION Parishioner: Where to you get your ideas for your sermons? Pastor: From God, of course. Parishioner: Then why do I see you scratching things out all the time? BIRDBATH A donor wrote the following: Dear Sir, This concerns the birdbath that I donated to the monastery garden. I am writing to inform you that it is not to be used by sparrows.
BEACH Tommy had just got back from the beach. Mother: Were there any other children there? Tommy: Yes. Mother: Boys or girls? Tommy: How could I know! They didn't have clothes on.
BOY Boy 1: How old are you?” Boy 2: I'm five. How old are you? Boy 1: I don't know. Boy 2: Do women bother you? Boy 1: Nope. Boy 2: You're four.
RELIGIOSITY Pastor: How are you doing these days? Parishioner: Not well. I used to walk around the block before breakfast. Now I only get halfway and then have to turn around and come back.
MAYOR Reporter: What do you think about the mayor? Postman: He's a liar and a cheat. Teacher: He's a pompous ass. Barber: He's corrupt. Never voted for him. Reporter to Mayor: Why did you take the job? Mayor: I don’t get any salary. I took the job for the honor of it.
CLOTHING Elder: Why are you wearing such shabby clothing? Your father was always so elegantly dressed. His clothes were expensive and well tailored. Younger: I've got you there! I'm wearing my father's clothes! WRITING Sinclair Lewis was invited to Harvard to lecture on writing. Lewis: How many of you really intend to be writers? All hands were raised. Lewis: In that case my advice to you is: go to your rooms and write, write, write. PROBLEMS Neighbor: How dirty the children next door are! Take a look at those clothes she has hung out on the line with black streaks on the sheets and towels!" Friend: The clothes are quite clean. The streaks are on your window. DOCTOR Mutt: Could you recommend a good doctor? Jeff: I suggest Dr. Clark. He saved my life Mutt: How did that happen? Jeff: I took Dr. Cook’s medicine and felt worse. I took Dr. Jones’ medicine and felt I was dying. Dr. Clark wasn't in.
WEATHER One: What kind of weather are we going to have today? Two: The kind I like. One: How do you know that? Two: When I figured out that I can't always get what I like, I learned to like what I get. So I'm sure we will have the kind of weather I like. HOW LONG Young man: How long will it take to attain wisdom. Wise man: 10 years. Young man: So long? Wise man: No, 20 years Young man: Why 20 years? Wise man: Come to think of it, in your case it will probably be 30 years. DRINKING A recently married woman complained about her husband's drinking habits. Friend: If you knew he drank, why did you marry him? Wife: I had no idea he drank till one night he came home sober!
THINKING Commentator: There is no good or ill but thinking makes it so. Listener: How so? Commentator: Have you ever observed that what people call 'congestion' in a subway train becomes the 'scene' at a rock concert? NORMAL Conun: Ask normal people if they are normal, and they will assure you they are. Ask crazy people if they are normal, and they will assure you they are! Drum: Well, if you realize you're crazy, you're not so crazy after all, are you? PSYCHOANALYSIS A man went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed as a workaholic. He had to take a second job to pay for the therapy. COMPLAINER Complainer: My neighbor is so dirty. Look at those black streaks on the sheets and towels on her clothes line! Friend: The clothes are quite clean. The streaks are on your window. RELIGIOSITY Penitent: I stole an expensive Bible at work." Confessor: "What on earth made you steal a Bible? Penitent: My religious disposition. EDUCATION Mother: When should I begin my daughter’s education? Professor: How old is she? Mother: Five. Professor: Hurry up! You’re five years late already! GAMBLER Las Vegas gambler: Can you spare me $25, sir? I haven't eaten for two days and I have no place to sleep. Stranger: How do I know you won't take the money and gamble with it?
Stranger: No way. Gambling money I already have with me. BOOKS Wise man: Books Kill. Fool: Why do books kill? Wise Man: Books breed ideas that can freeze into beliefs, causing a hardening of the mind and a distorted perception of “what is”. LIKE FATHER LIKE SON A Young barber: I’m exactly like my father. Customer: In what way? Young barber: My father imitated no one. I imitate no one. THE MYSTIC’S WIFE The mystic’s wife bought a pet monkey. Mystic: What’s it going to eat. Wife: What we do. Mystic: Where will it sleep. Wife: Where we do. Mystic: What about the smell? Wife: I put up with it. The monkey can too. THERAPIST Patient: You have still given me no method. Therapist: Method? Why do you want a method? Patient: To attain freedom. Therapist: You need great skill to set yourself free by the trap called a method. INSPIRATION Parishioner: Where to you get your ideas for your sermons? Pastor: From God, of course. Parishioner: Then why do I see you scratching things out all the time? BIRDBATH A donor wrote the following: Dear Sir, This concerns the birdbath that I donated to the monastery garden. I am writing to inform you that it is not to be used by sparrows.
SOLVING A PROBLEM A king commanded the whole country to be carpeted so that rough ground wouldn't hurt his feet. The court fool laughed when he heard it and suggested that the king cut out two small pads and attach them to his feet. So the idea of shoes was born.