Cub 519

CUB Issue 519

CUB ISSUE 519 01

Cover Image - Taken by Luke Ngakane

WELCOME TO

CUB This is the penultimate issue of the term.

Find out what’s been going on in Cub’s world before we ply you with Christmassy treats in the December issue. We hope you enjoy the read.

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scontents ContentsC ontentsCo ntentsCon tentsCont entsConte CUB ISSUE 519 03

THe BFI london Film Fest

Londons Film festival steps up

Pop Life: Tate Modern

Art in a Material World

Dorothy Yoon

Red Riding Hood & the PokĂŠmon Wolves.

ANish Kapoor

much ado about nothing

08 09 10 12

Tech High Heel Ban

Heel bans at work

Show Studio

The new exhibiton at Somerset House

Models without

Joining the size zero debate

Lady Gaga or Gaga Lady

We turn the tails on Lady Gaga

19 21 23 27

Features So your Gay

the way we use the word

The Real America

Santa Cruz The begining

The state we’re in

Is minarchism the new way forwards

30 33 52

Art 17 19

Let the Battle begin

Windows 7 and snow leopard

Tech News

Whats new in the world

Fashion 35 39 42 47

Stephen Amos

The hit comic reveals all

The Bald & the Beautiful

We chat to the cast of hairspray

Mental Health

Mental Health on Campus

The New Principle

Get to know Simon Gaskell

Columns CUB ISSUE 519 04

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THE CUB TEAM

Don’t Panic but It’s Already the

Third Bloody issue Editors List sam cunningham rebecca ngakane Amy Prior Hannah Olivennes Chinazo Ufodiama Emma Hyner James Snee Tim Arscott James Ingrey

(editor) (sub Editor) (Arts) (fashion) (fashion) (features) (Technology) (Music) (Opinions)

Design/layout by luke ngakane Printed with thanks at Calverts A Special thanks to Paperback Printed using vegetable oil based inks on “Cyclus Offset” 100% recycled paper.

Cub is a registered newspaper with the post office and is published by Queen Mary Student Union. The views expressed within this or any publication under the title of Cub do not necessarily represent the views of the editor, section editors, Queen Mary Students’ Union, or Queen Mary. Cub makes sure All work included in each issue is accredited appropriately wherever possible.

Term is now well underway and Christmas is already peeping her head around the corner. The fresh-faced Freshers are now fully-fledged first year students.

Second and third years start hitting deadlines and remember that uni actually has some hard work attached to it.

Now the clocks have gone back and as the winter creeps in with shorter days, darker evenings and greyer skies the mood around campus can turn sombre and quiet. But it doesn’t have to be so.

Events will still be taking place all over campus but they need students to join in to make them work.

As featured this issue, students were recently given the opportunity to try their hand at juggling or tight rope walking outside The Curve in the name of promoting a balanced, healthy lifestyle. Lots of people turned out to take part and watch.

A few weeks later students in sumo suits did battle in Library Square as a large crowd looked on, all in aid of Charity Week, raising money for a variety of charities.

Get involved. Come out of your warm rooms, wrap up and enjoy events and the buzzing atmosphere on campus in the crisp winter cool air.

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On the 14th October, the 53rd BFI London Film Festival rolled into town with much aplomb thanks to its opening night screening, the world premiere of Wes Anderson’s ‘The Fantastic Mr. Fox’. The film was presented in Leicester Square by the director and cast members including Meryl Streep, George Clooney and Bill Murray. Such ‘A’ list celebrity attendance is a notably new development for the film festival which has long been considered as simply not in the same league as festival heavyweights Cannes, Venice and Berlin.

However, it seems with this year’s programme, the festival’s recently appointed artistic director, Sandra Hebron, was looking to redress the balance. ‘The Fantastic Mr. Fox’ was the biggest opening night film in the history of the event and the festival also boasted a further 14 world premieres including Sam Taylor Wood’s biopic of the young John Lennon, ‘Nowhere Boy’. There were also 146 UK premieres on offer, amongst which was this year’s Cannes ‘Palme d’Or’ winner, ‘The White Ribbon’.

The BFI London Film FestivaL CUB ISSUE 519 07

But why, up until now, has the festival received such little recognition? One answer would be its non-competitive nature; rather than an award proffering premiere fest, London has always aimed to be like a ‘greatest hits’ of the world’s film festivals, or rather, a ‘festival of festivals’. It is also one of the few festivals which are open to the general viewing public where any old Joe can rub shoulders with cast and crew and furthermore, participate in ‘Q&A’ sessions after screenings.

This is what Hebron calls London’s ‘kudos of integrity’ and something that she is keen to uphold despite her noticeable efforts to up the festival’s international ante, an endeavour boosted by a £1.8m cash injection from the United Kingdom Film Council. This audiencefocused approach is indeed at the core of both this festival and the BFI’s other annual cultural highlight: The London Lesbian and Gay Film Festival held in late March.

Now in its 23rd year, the LLGFF promotes ‘celebration and cultural engagement’ and it prides itself on being a truly unique and vibrant event.

It has a strong focus on public engagement and as such has attracted such high profile sponsors as Sir Ian Mckellen, Stephen Fry and Sir Elton John. So, although London cannot yet boast a film festival equal to the glamour, glitz and prestige of that at Cannes, it seems it can boast two of the most inclusive, engaging and interesting film events around.

POP LIFE Tate Modern’s latest exhibition Pop Life: Art in a Material World explores the work of artists from the 1980s onwards who have created their own brand by engaging with commerce and the mass media. Including works from Tracey Emin, Damien Hirst, Andy Warhol and many others, this is the exhibition which shocks when we thought nothing else could shock us. The recent furore over the photo of a naked, ten-year-old Brooke Shields goes to show how much of an impact art can make.

The work of Andy Warhol begins the exhibition; investigating how commerce and celebrity were the basis of his work. He used this as a way to engage with modern life and create art for popular consumption. This is a key theme throughout the exhibition, another being satirical takes on familiar images of our time. One example is a life-size, Barbiestyle doll, inflating her hugely fake boobs with pumps – just one of the pieces of work on show by Takashi Murakami.

Art has often been satirised and somewhat distant from the masses but Pop Life showcases the work of artists who seek to bridge the gap and involve the public by engaging with them with real life images. There isn’t a much better way to do this than with a room full of porn. I don’t feel I can go into too much detail in this publication but there are nipples, arseholes, penises, glass dildos, life-size love making models, vaginas and pubes. To all those who have just discarded this article and run to the exhibition, enjoy! That’s all just in the first room. Having left it you walk through a small corridor where the walls are papered with some of the earliest page 3 models including ‘Tessa from Sunderland’.

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Red Riding Hood and the PokĂŠmon Wolves.

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The SaLon gallery’s latest exhibition, curated

by Samir Ceric, doesn’t disappoint. Upon first glance, one seems to be admiring pictures depicting Western fairy tale heroines presented in an Eastern style. It is then that you realise these fairy tale women are the blonde fantastical heroines of the eastern world. Yoon explores the desire to merge the cultures of East and West, to escape the confinements of one’s own culture and land in another.

The exhibition is titled: ‘8 of Heroines’ by Dorothy Yoon at the SaLon gallery, Westbourne Grove. It runs until Sunday 22nd November and is completely free.

Growing up in Korea, Yoon dreamed and desired of being one of these blondes she was so used to seeing on the covers of Western magazines. She cleverly hints at this in her individual pictures with aeroplanes adorning the accessories of the various women.

Aeroplanes are the way to escape and to make dreams come true, the answer to realising her dream of becoming that blue-eyed blonde-haired girl she so admired.

Yoon’s pictures were created with the complex Autodesk 3ds Max program and use the utopian image of the peach garden (a popular landscape as dreamed by a Korean Prince) as the backdrop for her pictures. Such details in Yoon’s work, even the ones that are very hidden, are what make her work special. Each tiny detail is the product of a lot of thought.

The Beckhams featuring as Rapunzel’s parents and Red Riding Hood’s wolves dressed as Pokémon are just some of the aspects which create this fascinating collage of the East and West.

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Anish Kapoor

Much Ado about Nothing: For hours, I have been racking my brains over nothing. Thinking about nothing is one of the most challenging actions I have ever taken. I don’t mean not to think, that would be different - but rather to think of what “nothing” is.

The thought has been troubling philosophical minds for centuries. In his most recent exhibition, Anish Kapoor returns to where his first ever show was put on 34 years ago to show just how successful he has been in pursuing this ineffable representation of nothing throughout his career.

Before going off on philosophical tangents with the subject matter of Kapoor’s art – it is imperative to note that this exhibition is a lot of fun. Every twenty minutes strange things start to occur and you become agonisingly expectant: the gallery goes quiet, while security personnel place their fingers in their ears. All of a sudden a huge explosion echoes from the Large Weston Room of the building, followed immediately by gasps as twenty pounds of wax hurtles into a corner at fifty miles an hour. Thirty tons are expected to accumulate there by the end of the exhibition – the now infamous “Shooting into a Corner” (2008) is a highlight of the show. There is a fantastic atmosphere of fun here. The surrealism of pieces give you no option but to walk around smiling, as you contemplate the implications of watching what could be described as a large red turd slowly being squeezed through the beautiful sphincter of the Royal Academy doorways.

Whether it is fair to call the show a retrospective, as the Academy has branded it, is something I’m not certain of. A lot of Ka-

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Article - Pawel Blanda

poor’s work is missing: none of his stone sculptures are presented at this show. I’m uncertain why, as they constitute a very significant part of his development. The show is more an accessible introduction to the conceptual artist’s work for the general public rather than the discerning connoisseur, giving viewers the chance to dip their toes into the unfathomable depth of Kapoor’s sculpture. Kapoor himself has spoken at the academy saying that as you look round, hopefully the viewers will see that the show is not a retrospective, it is “anything but that.”

When you consider this incredibly challenging concept, you start to see the huge ambition under which Kapoor operates – he is trying to make “nothing” exist in a world where that is an impossibility.

As you enter the main court of Burlington house you’re immediately confronted by the dichotomy of the ultra-modern sculpture and the neo-classical space which surrounds it.

This diversity highlights the relationship between object and space which is ever present in Kapoor’s art. Being incredibly pioneering with his use of media, Kapoor exploits the nature of pigment in his first attempt to show us what “nothing” is. While pigment is “a physical material... colour is illusory... it can be present and not present.” Have you ever tried describing colour to a blind person? Furthermore, Kapoor exploits the optical illusion of the “incongruity of what we know to be concave but what we perceive to be convex” to make us see something which isn’t there, to make us see a “nothing.”

Kapoor’s mirror sculptures intend to represent nothingness by confusing our notion of

space. As you walk past and are not quite split into two reflections by the convex mirrors, consider the parts of you which are not shown, consider what you can’t see, consider the “blind spots” as Kapoor calls them. This void between what is seen and unseen, I believe is a much more comprehensive representation of nothing.

substance of nothingness. The complex and intricate forms of these sculptures create what the artist calls a form of “hyper-materiality” or “stuffness” – which I’m pretty sure is a word he’s made up. The exhibition defends these works arguing they are “reminiscent of archaic forms,” and somehow relating the sculptures to Kapoor’s attitude:

The masterpiece of this show is doubtless “Svayambh”, one of his more recent moving wax sculptures. In it Kapoor literally shows negative space as it’s being created.

The bulky red wax train which Kapoor calls Svayambh (2007) is a 4.5 X 8 X 2.3 metre “corporal mass” weighing 30 tons. As it lumbers along at approximately one mile an hour it literally takes on the shape of the part of the door way which isn’t there, presenting us with the negative space of the Academy’s gallery doorways. The wax takes on the shape of nothing as the “nothingness” is “truly made.” Kapoor’s fascination with art that is “self-made” reverberates throughout the exhibition. “Svayambh” which may be roughly translated from Sanskrit as “selfgenerated” is the archetypal example of this motif running through the sculptors work.

The presence of svayambh (the self-made) may be seen from the start of his career with the “1000 names” series accurately described by the exhibition pamphlet as there by their own “volition” seem to grow out of the floor and walls.

“it’s not my role to be expressive.

I’ve got nothing particular to say, I don’t have any message to give anyone.”

Some of Kapoor’s most recent work, entitled “Greyman Cries, Shaman Dies, Billowing Smoke, Beauty evoked” is, in my opinion, less effective in capturing that ineffable

For more information about the artist visit www.anishkapoor.com

- From conversations between Anish Kapoor and Homi K. Bhabha, 1998.

Regardless of the incoherence of his most recent work, Anish Kapoor is one of the most innovative artists operating today, and this show provides something for all of its viewers. Those who are not deeply interested in contemporary art will enjoy the show because of its quirky and fun atmosphere, and will be provided with the opportunity to learn more should they want to. Those who are already passionate about conceptual art will doubtless enjoy it due to the high quality of the larger part of Kapoor’s work.

It costs £8 for students to get in (£4 if you’re 18) and runs until Friday 11th of December at the Royal Academy (the nearest tube station is Green Park on the Picadilly Line) and there are also a number of free galleries to walk around in too. Truly this exhibition has set the standard for exhibitions of contemporary art this autumn.

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“

“

The wind striking her cheek like an ice-cold blade, the bleeding pitch of the bus brakes clambering to a halt, shaking her from her hypnosis; Emily was what her grandmother called an imperfect English blossom amongst a perfect bed of weeds. Her skin glowed, milky and textured, in the orange dew of the evening sun but her hair, matted, tangled and wild, snaked across her cheeks in scratches with the biting wind. She looked like the result of a very desperate day, where a string of calamities may have whittled her down to her current, precarious state.

The truth is Emily had only woken within the hour, the evening glare bursting uninvited through her blinds. She is neither a result of misfortunate accidents nor any climatic misadventure; Emily is a Goth.

When the Goth awakes, she can only seek solace in the wretchedness of her black-varnished collaborators (friends is too friendly a term). Perhaps even if she were an Emo, the painful attention-seeking drivel may force more than a grunt or solemn glare. So with the settling dusk, the staple black PVC mock-leather jacket trailing at her ankles, boots metal-garbed and mightily threatening, this imperfect blossom walks in primitive strides to the corner shop to purchase some Frosty Jack’s (and a Sudoku puzzle). Another Friday night lurking in the shadows of the skate park with her other midnight avengers, Tom (the scrawny Pratchett fan in oversized black-washed jeans), and Joseph - not Joe - (the wide-eyed, anxious Spectacle Gadget in his dad’s dirt-stained mac)…

Calling all aspiring authors, budding playwrights, all potential poets: Cub’s Short Story CompetitioN We want to showcase the very best of QM’s writing talent, so we are asking you to brighten up our pages with all the linguistic creativity you can muster -- we know it’s there, bursting to get out (or at least away from that growing pile of assignments). Our ears are open to tall tales, Hollyoaks-esque dramas, romantic campus escapades, comic encounters, alien adventures - absolutely anything, perhaps even (discreet) lecturer caricatures!

ThIS page is now your blank canvas. So get scribbling.

Submit your short stories to features@cubmagazine.co.uk.

Word limit of 800 words, last submission November 11th.

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Windows 7

& Snow

Leopard.

Let The

Battle

Begin CUB ISSUE 519 15

It’s been a long time since Apple and Microsoft have had a good fair fight, but with their respective new operating systems, it seems that the gloves are off and they are limbering up. A few weeks ago Apple released their long awaited update to Leopard, imaginatively named Snow Leopard. And Microsoft are soon to let consumers loose on their new Windows 7 operating system. Until recently, most people turned away from Apple Macs because of the price or the jump to their Osx operating system. However, with the price falling by the day and making the switch to Osx as easy as ever, now is the time to really compare the best of the best in software. As usual with these reviews, there are those who side with either camp even before hearing the evidence. So here at Cub we decided to take a good impartial view of both operating systems.

Let’s start with the popular option, Microsoft’s new Windows 7. The general views of Windows Vista were very mixed which is possibly behind the surge of people moving to the Apple camp. With Windows 7, Microsoft wanted to move away from their image created by themselves over the past few years. The way they intend to do this is by completely changing the way the operating system looks and works. From the very start Windows 7 is easy to use. The installation took no more than 20 minutes on a 2.66 GHz machine with 4GB of RAM. There have been reports of this taking hours but, after 3 separate installations, I never came across this problem. During the installation there are all the usual options to upgrade or start afresh.

Other than that there weren’t many configurable options, which can be frustrating if you want it installed in a particular way.

Once logged in, the user interface looks fairly similar to Windows Vista with the exception of the frustrating side bar feature (it is still usable though). One feature of the user interface that was notable, how ever small, was the way icons seem to glow when you click on them. Windows 7 is fully compatible with touch screens and this feature provides a bit more of a malleable interface. When running, Windows 7 does tend to be rather heavy on system resources, and for anyone who has over 2GB of RAM, you might want to consider the 64bit option as this will allow you to use the extra memory. During testing there were a few faults and hiccups, but thanks to 7’s new architecture, it recognised the crash and dealt with it pretty fast. One of the most useful features was the update

Article - James Snee

service now provided. Unlike Xp, which would only automatically update the operating system, 7 will tell you when you need to update drivers for your hardware such as display drivers. Joint with Microsoft’s new free antivirus, Windows 7 is the complete package. The price tag is a little hefty compared to Snow Leopard, but so far it seems to be worth it. Only time will tell as to whether it will go down well globally. Windows 7 is due for release on October 22nd, and here at Cub, we recommend the Professional package as it is the best price for the features provided.

chines now have more than one processor, some even up to eight, but most software doesn’t take advantage of them. Apple have changed this by designing a piece of software called ‘Grand Central Station’. Without all the boring details, this allows software to really harness the power of these new modern multi-core processors. As well as this, Snow Leopard allows 64 bit software to be run alongside 32 bit. This does away with any problems people have had trying to run 64 bit operating systems using their old programs which may not be compatible. Ok, so geeky bit over with now.

Apple’s new contribution is Snow Leopard.

To avoid argument, Snow Leopard isn’t technically a whole new Operating System, it’s more of an update to the already well established Osx. On the outset, Snow Leopard doesn’t seem all that new. If you’ve used Leopard before it’s pretty much more of the same to look at. The real changes have happened under the hood. Apple have put a lot of work into designing an operating system for modern computers. Most ma-

Other than the improvements to the insides of Snow Leopard, Apple have made small changes to the user interface as well. As said before, Snow Leopard is very similar to Leopard on the outset. But after digging deeper, there are a few differences.

The stacks feature, which allows you to put folders in the Dock and navigate through them quickly, has been improved, making it actually usable. Finder is faster and more responsive across the board, and the new

wireless networking controls have proven useful. Even with all of these new features there are still some gripes. Snow Leopard has a tendency to crash during simple tasks such as browsing. No doubt this will be fixed in later patches, but until then, Snow Leopard can be a little unpredictable. Costing £25, Snow Leopard is much cheaper than Windows 7 but is only compatible with new Intel based Macs.

When compared side by side, the two stack up pretty well. They both have some great new features, but as usual there are still issues with both. Windows 7 does require some pretty heavy hardware to run properly, but once it’s up and going it’s a well rounded OS. Snow Leopard on the other hand, at the moment seems a little thin. There are some useful new tools available to developers, and until they start to use them in their software, Snow Leopard doesn’t seem to really improve the experience. As usual with these sorts of things, only time will tell which of the two will turn out to be the better.

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TECH NEWS Sidekick... kicked Users of the popular Sidekick mobile phone in the US have had a rough few days as the servers hosted by Microsoft crashed recently, losing all of their data. Users were told that most, if not all of the data was unrecoverable and were given a free months service to compensate.

T-Mobile and Microsoft a few days ago announced that some of the data can be retrieved but details are still hard to come by. T-Mobile’s Sidekick device isn’t very popular this side of the Atlantic, but until recently it held a fairly large market in the US, only just being overtaken by devices like Blackberry’s and the iPhone.

Nokia attempting to take the power back Nokia have been showing off their soon to be released N900 smart phone. It sports the new Maemo operating system which seems set to

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put up a good fight against the market leaders Android and iPhone. Based on Linux, Maemo has the same underlying operating system as Android, but Nokia have designed their own user interface. The phone has a full qwerty keyboard and similar hardware specs to the new iPhone 3GS. Due for release later this year, it will be up against some stiff competition, but with good price points and a new, modern looking interface, it might be just what Nokia need to take what used to be their market, back.

Size apparently doesn’t matter The new HP Compaq Mini 311, running with the new Nvidia ION platform, allows it to play modern games like its bigger siblings. Albeit not as well as expensive gaming machines, it still eats through Call Of Duty 4 at over 30 frames per second. Could this be a sign of things to come, smaller more powerful laptops taking on the larger, heavier dedicated gaming machines?

SIZE DOESN’T MATTER Check out the vidio at www.tinyurl.com/cub-tech-1

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High Heel BAN

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stilts, however much of a professional Naomi Campbell you are, you start thinking that your feet aren’t that important to you and if anyone would kindly cut them off for you you’d be grateful. And I’m certainly not the Click clack click clack…don’t you just love only one that suffers from it. “Two million the sound your heels make when they hit working days are lost every year through the ground? Not only does it make you feel womanly and sexy but also confident and powerful, feelings that are ever so important when you work in a male-dominated environment. Men will try to deny this, but when in groups and even at an age above 8-years-old, they like to pick on girls, especially if there are only a few around. So wearing a pair of 4inch-high Christian Louboutins (or Topshop’s for those of us who have to keep it real), gives you that extra vavavoom you need to feel, and make everyone around you know, that you’re in charge.

Last month, Trade Unions decided to discuss whether or not women should be allowed to wear high heels to work. Hannah Olivennes explains this ridiculous-sounding decision.

Apparently that’s not what the Trade Unions think. In last month’s Congress, delegates approved a motion that said: “High heels may look glamorous on the Hollywood catwalks but are completely inappropriate for the day-to-day working environment.” Completely inappropriate? Says who? A room mainly full of men trying to make decisions for women? Surely in 2009, women should decide for themselves if they want to wear high heels to work or not… you can also tell that it was men who thought of this sentence with the use of “Hollywood catwalks.”

Although I’m sure Los Angeles has a number of very good fashion shows, I can’t remember reading anything major about an L.A. Fashion Week every six months…

However, it must be agreed that if women should be able to choose to wear stilettos to work, then they should be also able to choose not to. And this is where this motion would make sense. Some women work in environments where high heels are part of their uniform. And after a 9 to 6 shift in

Article - Hannah Olivennes

you start thinking that your feet aren’t that important to you and if anyone would kindly cut them off for you you’d be grateful

lower limb and foot-related problems,” says Lorraine Jones, of the Society of Chiropodists and Podiatrists. Jones also adds: “Women should have a choice of wearing healthier, more comfortable shoes.” Now the TUC motion makes even more sense, as long it’s not a question of banning high heels in the workplace.

After all this, something still makes me think that there is no point in discussing this motion. There is no better way of putting it than the way Loraine Monk, a University and College Union delegate, did: “Let’s debate the women’s charter with the same enthusiasm as this debate. Let’s demand mandatory pay audits to redress pay inequality. Let’s stop telling women what to do. ” Yes, there must be more important things on Trade Union agendas than what shoes women wear to work.

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Show Studio After nine years of filming, photographing, filming and accumulating, acclaimed fashion photographer Nick Knight has finally exhibited his legendary SHOWstudio project Fashion Revolution at Somerset House. Chinazo Ufodiama reports.

The artistic elements of fashion are wholly unappreciated outside the elite web of high fashion. Have you ever watched a couture show and commented on how ridiculously unwearable the garments are? Nick Knight is here to set you straight. Basing his projects on ideas focussing around ‘Process’, ‘Performance’ and ‘Participation’ within the fashion industry, Knight strives to assert fashion as an art form.

Throughout the exhibition, with over 20 shows and fashion films, Knight explores controversial issues within the fashion industry ranging from the size zero debate to race and sexuality. As well as being laced with various (maybe numerous would flow

Article - Chinazo Ufodiama

better?) famous faces such as Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Lily Cole, to name but a few, (that’s a cliché, must we?) the exhibition features a selection of the finest revolutionary British fashion designers including John Galliano, Alexander McQueen and Gareth Pugh.

As well as the exhibition at Somerset House, the new home of London Fashion Week, SHOWstudio: Fashion Revolution also incorporates the internet into the exhibition, allowing you to get involved with the process in different ways; whether you’re watching a live streaming of one of the many shoots for the likes of British Vogue and Sunday Times Style, calling up and interviewing a model during a live sitting or simply ‘dressing’ supermodel Naomi Campbell from the site. Knight emphasizes the importance of the internet in the creation of art in this day and age; the Internet —free from limitations of time and space—is perfect to showcase what I find most interesting in the course of my work: everything.

The SHOWstudio: Fashion Revolution show is the perfect way to spend an afternoon, whether you want to brush up on your fashion knowledge, obtain a greater insight into fashion politics, refresh your mind with vintage photo shoot snaps or simply to admire the work of some of the greatest fashion revolutionaries of the modern day.

The exhibition opened at Somerset House in mid-September and continues until 20th December 2009. Tickets are priced at a very reasonable £5 for standard adults and £4 for Students and other concessions. The exhibition is open Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday between 10:00 and 18:00 with last admission at 17:00 and opens late on Thursday and Friday between 10:00 and 21:00 with last admission at 20:00.

For more information about the exhibition or the whole SHOWstudio project visit www. showstudio.com or for information about the venue, booking and live shows visit www. somersethouse.org.uk/fashion/showstudio.

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M With What’s this we hear? Fashion magazine editors banning unhealthy looking models from their glossy pages? Designer using plus size models for their catwalks shows? Could it be the beginning of the end of the size 0 era?

Rosamunde Wells reports.

The fashion has changed.

The women have changed.

Our world is different.

So we start a revolution: MODELS WITHOUT This is the advertising line from leading German fashion magazine, Brigitte, who recently announced their move to ban all professional models from the publication. From January 2010, all the women featured in the magazine will have jobs and healthy weights, but these women will still be paid the full amount of the fee that models before them have received.

This controversial decision stems from a long debated issue of whether some regular models are healthy enough to be used in magazines and on runways, and more importantly, whether we want to see them. Only recently did Mark Fast, in what will be seen as notoriously bold move in years to come, decide to show plus size models amongst regular models in his spring/summer catwalk show. Even after his stylist and creative director walked out because of the decision three days before the event, Fast continued with his original plan and there were gasps of shock as three size 12-14 models walked down the runway in his signature, skintight body-con knit-dresses. Fast was com-

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Article - Hannah Olivennes

DELS UT mended by models Naomi Campbell and Erin O’Connor; the latter saying “It’s quite a clever move... he’s demonstrating that what he does [his clothes], works on any women with any frame.” He was also applauded by British Vogue editor Alexandra Shulman who said “they [the models] looked great on the runway... it’s a small step... and that’s a great thing”. Shulman, who made international news when she wrote controversial letters to many designers, condemning them for sending sample size clothes too small for numerous models, has long been an advocate in the growing fight against unhealthy models in the fashion industry.

The combination of Brigitte’s and Fast’s recent steps towards a healthier fashion industry have reignited the fiery feud between those sticking to more traditional views, and those calling for an end to unhealthy models in the media. Not since the tragic deaths of models such as Luisel and Eliana Ramos, sisters who died from anorexia within six months of each other, the former dying of a heart attack as she stepped off the runway, has the fashion industry been reported on so widely around the world.

With editors such as that of Brigitte, along with Mark Fast finally beginning to take a stand against the current models in the fashion media, will this spark a move towards a new generation of models with normal sizes and healthy weights? I don’t know but Hayley, Laura and Gwyneth sashaying down the runway amongst the slimmer models made me think I might look good in one of Fast’s dresses, and who doesn’t like that feeling?

What are U

wearing?

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What are U

wearing?

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It’s not a hood and it’s not a scarf, madly coveting today. Stella McCartney and Burberry brought the snood up to date for it’s a snood. autumn/winter ‘09 by showcasing them on It’s this winter’s most practical trend, and the catwalk. we’ve noticed that it’s having a bit of a style Whilst a designer snood will set you back moment on campus. The snood is definitely over £150, this look is also, luckily for us, all on our radar this season. For those of you over the high street this season. H&M have who don’t speak fashion and are scratch- a particularly amazing selection of snoods ing your heads at this latest, curious anal- from as little as £4.99 for a big, grey patogy, think of the snood as a cross between terned number, to cosy woollen knits at a a scarf and a hood (then shouldn’t it be still ridiculously-reasonable £7.99. American scood?) The snood has actually been on the Apparel’s Circle Scarf is a more lightweight fashion radar since medieval times, when it jersey option that not only comes in a variety was made from knotted lace and designed of colours, but is also unisex (yes, guys can to hold and cover the hair, eventually evolv- do the snood too). At £23.00 it’s certainly ing into the woollen incarnation we’re all on the more expensive side, but in a bright

Article - Chinazo Ufodiama

shade it’s great for livening up dull winter basics and the lightweight fabric will see you right through to the spring.

Not only is the snood smugly on-trend, it’s also extremely versatile. Loop it twice around your neck and keep out the cold, your Granny would be proud. If you’re feeling mysterious, put it over your head, great in an impromptu autumn shower or on a bad hair day (you might want to fasten it with hairpins in gale force winds or if your hair is squeakyclean). You can also use the scarf part of the snood and simply let it hang loose around your neck. The choice is yours.

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Since Lady Gaga’s arrival on the music scene, there has been as much talk on her bold fashion choices as on her music.

Her daring style might not please everybody, but it’s a refreshingly individual take on the looks of the moment, combining extreme trends from the couture catwalks with edgy costumes and unique accessories. It may not result in an outfit you’d wear around campus, but her statement designs reinvent safe and predictable looks as lively, adventurous and dramatic; even as performance art. Looking good is down to making trends your own and Lady Gaga has definitely mastered that – she knows the key looks and adds individual edge, pushing the fashion boundaries yet notoriously conforming to season trends mixing leather and lace, metallics, high waists, and this season’s big shoulders. She shows that fashion doesn’t have to be delicate, it can be as eccentric and expressive as you want. By

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Article - Amy Bowles

teaming her ensembles with eye-catching accessories like bows, masks or of course the teacup, the Lady maintains a fresh and extraordinary look. And with her ever-changing bright blonde hair, Gaga rarely puts a foot wrong. Her exaggerated futuristic style shows there’s no limit to her confidence, and the kermit outfit shows there’s no end to her unique wardrobe too. The fashion scene is welcoming Gaga as the style icon of 2010, who knows what fashion is and is not afraid to give it her own original and dynamic twist.

Best Look: This look shows just how fashion-forward Lady Gaga is: the “origami” dress is bold and individual, and ticks all the trend boxes: asymmetric, metallic, leather and structured. She makes the look unique and adds a personal touch with the leather gloves and Louboutin shoe-boots.

Article - Caitlin Morley

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CUB ISSUE 519 Lady Gaga’s style has always been a prob- tame which seems to suggest that, before lem for me. Ever since she has become a the industry grabbed hold of her, she was cultural megastar, her persona, and more im- conventional. portantly her fashion sense, is being hailed as something fresh and innovative. This is a massive oversight. The pop tart’s overall obsession with theatrics, which is such a vital part of her image, results in a lack of actual substance.

Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, or Gaga if you will, is not a new stylistic force asserting individuality but a pre-packaged performer created by the music industry to sell records. The sensational pictures of Gaga hitting the town in oversized knickers and a bra at the beginning of her career garnered invaluable press attention and exposure. Despite Gaga’s plan of shock and awe, working for a full year, it still hasn’t convinced me that she has any discernable style. A style has soul, a personality and even though her look certainly has attitude, it doesn’t match her personality or the commercial music she insists on making. Looking back to her pre-fame days, Gaga’s style is surprisingly

With figures like Kanye West praising her as ‘This generation’s Madonna’, it seems clear to me that she most certainly is not. Not only is Madonna a true Renaissance woman but she also broke boundaries in fashion and culture. By looking back over the past 30 years one can see that Gaga is simply copying the creativity of people like David Bowie, Grace Jones and performance artist Leigh Bowery, except she has far more money to reproduce it.

In the end (I don’t like ‘in the end’, if you have to tell people you’re concluding, you’re not, but hey) Lady Gaga’s style is a way to make more money. It has nothing to do with her expressing herself as an ‘artist’, but more to do with selling an image.

Worst Look: Gaga attention-seeking as ever wearing a Kermit coat...‘Will play Muppet for Food’

Budget Jones’ Diary I am a happy- well-dressed- bunny today, as I managed to score myself some hot buys at the Topshop Lock In, flashing my student card at every item, automatically giving myself 20% off anything I fancied. However, I was beginning to wonder whether my rip-off Louboutins could take any more of this end-

I haven’t lost all faith in high street shopping less wandering up and down the high-street in search of this season’s must-haves. Cue the internet. Not only is it perfect when attempting to fit shopping into ones hectic schedule, or should I say, perfect for lazy old me who resides on the sofa watching Gossip Girl re-runs. And what’s more, online there’s a surprisingly vast amount to offer my fashion hungry eyes.

my bookmarked pages and just to be sure I don’t miss a single price cut, I added myself to their mailing list. Next stop, eBay. I find myself trawling the site for an hour or so before finding a Marc by Marc Jacobs ‘Miss Marc’ t-shirt I needed. I put my auction skills to the test, and dexterously outbid my determined opponent and managed to nab myself the t-shirt. I was getting the hang of this whole bidding thing and I found some amazing shops. I bought a cheap but fantastic fur bolero from Indie Cult Vintage and from Mama Stone Vintage, an über-cool sequin shirt. Maybe the internet really is the way forward…

Having said that, I haven’t lost all faith in high street shopping, I rekindled that old flame pretty quickly when I popped into some sale shops last weekend. I headed straight to my ultimate favourite first: Topshop clearance in Edgeware, taking my customary quick look around before I entered my secret little goldmine. I casually collected together a number of items, why not, since everything is buy one get one free? I’m practically making money, right? I ended up leaving with some hotter than hot hotpants, leggings, a leather jacket and some denim for old-times sake. Onto Aldo’s sale shop in Camden and I’ve heard there’s one in Wood Green too, you know, in case I happen to be wandering North London in pursuit of cheap shoes.

Shoes, shoes and more shoes, maybe I am in heaven I thought? But my reverie was soon brought to an abrupt halt by a disapproving security guard. Note to self: whilst the shoes are cheap, sadly they are not free and accustomed to leaving the shop without a receipt in the arms of a daydreaming fashionista…sigh.

Yesterday, when browsing through the clearance section of ASOS, what’s this I find, but my very own Little Miss Sew (always one to keep my eye on upcoming brands) dress for just 19 quid, saving myself £26. Not bad, Jones, not bad at all. I considered quitting while I was ahead, but then I stumbled upon The Outlet, i.e. a dream come true for cashstrapped students after a piece of the fashion action. I ‘invested’ in the cutest Betsey Johnson cardi, bagging it for £58, and thus saving myself a whopping 70%. Before purchasing my lovely finds, I discovered a way to save myself another penny or two: www. vouchercodes.co.uk. So after tapping in my discount code and submitting my order, I Yours Stylishly, decided that ASOS deserved a place among Budget Jones x

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You’re so Gay? Today, the word ‘gay’ is used in a multitude of ways, be it branding someone as being homosexual, or more commonly, as an insult. Everyday I hear the word ‘gay’ and sometimes I let it go, I say nothing and keep my mouth shut. And then there are times when I hear someone say ‘gay’ and think that perhaps they shouldn’t use the word at all. For example, “Oh my God this is so gay?” Now, if the said person had been in a gay venue in my favourite haunt of Soho, I could deal with that because most of them really are very gay. I do not, however, think that having to wait in a queue in a supermarket for a long time is gay. Sorry babes it really ain’t. Not registering. So I hope you will allow me to rant a little on this matter, because it is something that has been irritating me for a while now.

When deciding what to write for this edition of CUB, I was listening to some people I know who feel quite comfortable in using the word gay as an insult. Now although this doesn’t personally insult me, it does beggar belief that they realise that I am quite obviously gay, apologize and then do it again 5 minutes later… It is safe to assume I wasn’t impressed, but I can thank them for the stimulus that led me to write this article.

The word gay has had a fair few meanings in its lifetime, from originally meaning carefree, happy and/or bright.

COLUMN - Scott-Austin Shaw

Fast forward to the late 19th and early 20th century, and the word then began to be used to describe someone who was a homosexual. Another word that has also become term of insult is lesbian. I honestly do not understand why someone needs to call someone a lesbian when they clearly aren’t. Perhaps I’m being oversensitive or perhaps I’m just fed up with the idea of the words gay and lesbian being used in a derisive manner. Katy Perry caused an ever so slightly MASSIVE argument with her debut single “I Kissed a Girl”.

Yes okay she liked it. So what? Another one of her singles, “You’re So Gay” was another classic. I personally adored it when she says some guy is so gay and yet he doesn’t even like boys…Come on Katy darling.

I mean, really?! Oh whatever! It’s just so common to hear people use the word so freely these days, and it really wouldn’t bother me so much, sometime even I myself have been forced into hysterics of laughter by the use of the word, but it’s a little draining. Perhaps people need to find another word to replace it?

I’ll conclude my little rant, and leave you all with this little final thought/resolution: perhaps I should chill out, kick back and relax. Or maybe next time something is rubbish, crappy or just annoying, I’ll just say “OMG that is soooooooooo hetero(sexual)…”?

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Our November Cub Captures - photos sent in by Anonymous, Anish Modgil, Denis Shukur, James Smith, Natasha Neeson, Matt Furniss & Sophie Richardson

want to show us your Best photos from the month send them to us at photos@cubmagazine.co.uk

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The Real America Ask yourself this: how many people have you seen naked strip down and run through campus naked. I kid you not. It is this year? a near-official event, so much so that I found out about this event during my first hour in Santa Cruz from the taxi driver.

The answer is this: not as many as I have seen in this past He asked me what college I was living in and when I told month. And no, I haven’t been sleeping my way through the him Porter, he went ‘oh, so have you heard about the naked entire of California. But I have seen about four hundred peo- run yet?’ This is what my college is famous for. Go Porter! ple naked in the last two weeks. Why? Because I’m living in California and it’s awesome.

Except is only a near-official event because no one knows when the rain is going to start and no one actually knows the Firstly, there is LoveFest in San Francisco (actually titled rules. The run starts at Porter. Everyone knows this, except LoveEvolution because of some copyright issues last year this is only really true for the people who live near Porter. but everyone still calls it LoveFest). LoveFest is America’s It takes place between 8pm and 10pm according to some largest electronic music event, with a massive parade of people and after 10pm according to others. It must be raintwenty five floats starting off the festival, each with its own ing for at least 15 minutes before it can be declared First dj, entourage and fan group. Then all these djs set up in this Rain... according to popular opinion. And this is why I have litmassive town square and you went in and just danced, mak- erally seen hundreds of naked people in the last two weeks ing your way from one dj setup to another, until your feet felt because First Rain happened twice this year. like they were going to drop off.

Six very naked men started it off on the 12th of October at The nakedness? LoveFest is a ‘clothing optional event’. Any- around 8.30pm. And we jeered at them from our balcony one wearing more than two pieces of clothing was complete- because it was barely drizzling. Then the rain started to pick ly overdressed. Bikinis were everywhere: gold, black, silver, up and the jeers suddenly stopped, as everyone started brown, multi-coloured, so many in one place that I barely realising that this might actually be First Rain now. And in even noticed them in the end; there were girls in bikini bot- the confusion, more and more people started to get naked. toms and nipple stickers to ‘preserve their modesty’ (yeah, (Sounds like a dodgy night out.) And then suddenly there good job girls!); and girls simply topless. And ladies, don’t were a whole lot of people getting naked and running. There worry, if you wanted to see naked men there were plenty of were admittedly a lot of girls in underwear, who tried but middle aged men strolling down the street in cowboy boots, weren’t hardcore enough. But seriously, running without a holding up “Nudity Is Not A Crime” posters. Yeah, sadly the bra hurts, so I forgive them. And this lasted for about an hour ratio of attractive near-naked ladies to attractive near-naked and a half. No one got any homework done. We just stood guys was way off. outside and cheered on the naked people.

But seriously, next time there is a slightly (okay, seriously) hippy dance festival near you: Make Sure You Go. No one cares what you do, how you look or what you dress like, as long as you are there to be part of it. I saw no fights, there were no disapproving looks from the conservative masses and I danced for hours in the sunshine in the middle of the day. Take that Tiger Tiger.

Unfortunately the rain had stopped. So technically, according to the unofficial changing rules, it wasn’t First Rain. This presented people with a problem. Had it already happened?

I remembered naked people, I kept coming across piles of wet clothing, abandoned bras and soaking boxers all over campus the day after, so it seemed real. Or was the first run just (as some people kept shouting) “prematurely ejaculating freshman”? So the next night, the nakedness started all But the true naked masses were a little closer to home. Let over again. This time with a much more organised core, who me introduce you to First Rain. gathered a rally of naked people outside Porter before they started and even recruited a naked guy with bagpipes. But it Try to remember the last time England had an extended pe- had stopped raining again. I’m not joking. It had literally been riod of sunshine. A period of time so long that when it did pouring all day and as soon as the night came, the rain went. rain, you celebrated it. I know. That has never happened. But here in Santa Cruz, the first rain is an event in the same way So my question is this: how many times will UCSC get nathat the first snow was in February. Except that, when First ked in order to complete the tradition? Once? Twice? Or am I Rain happens in Santa Cruz, hundreds of UCSC students about to see a whole lot more butts in the future?

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COLUMN - Rebecca Ngakane

Nakedness photos taken by Rebecca Ngakane

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With notable performances such as Live at the Apollo & the Royal Variety Show and a regular at the Edinburgh Fringe, stand up comedian Stephen Amos tells us what it’s really like being a successful comedian, being black (and yet British) and reveals the worst comedy gig of his career.

Tell us a bit about yourself Well what do you want to know, I’m Stephen K Amos, I’m older then you, I’m a stand up comedian; I’m very very luck to be in a job where I have fun every night, people are coming to the shows and having fun and who’d have thought all those years ago, when I was growing up in South London, this would happen to me.

So you grew up in South London, what was that like?

I grew up in London in the 70’s and 80’s when there weren’t so many black faces around. And it was not easy to blend in and be unnoticed. Obviously times are changing gradually and opinions and ideologies are shifting and that can only be a positive thing.

Is that maybe one of the reasons you turned to comedy?

I think one of the reasons I turned to comedy is because I come from quite a big family, so you have to make noise to get heard. Also if you’re at a school where you are the only black child, you need to find something so you don’t either get picked on or ostracized or labelled. You got to be one of the gang and I happened to be a funny kid.

So what were your influences while growing up?

I’ve got to be honest with you, I was not influenced by any other comedians. In fact I didn’t go to any comedy clubs myself. The first time I went to a comedy club was when I decided to do standup and I got there and went “Oh my god these guys are just talking, I can’t do that”. So my first gig was with an A5 pad with jokes written on them and no other comics said anything, they just let me do that. If only I knew then that I could have used that as a tool, like Jimmy Carr has his Interview - Luke Ngakane

clipboard, then maybe I would have had a meteoric rise to stardom *chuckle* but I as soon as I realised that wasn’t right, I had to ditch the pad and remember the jokes.

Now you’re particularly good at talking to the audience and building off what they say. When you started out that was quite a new thing wasn’t it?

Yes, when I started MC’ing in the old days, comics would just split up their act, but then a new wave of comics came along. People like Jo Caufield, Ben Norris and myself where we kind of engaged the audience and stuff kind of built. I personally like people, I enjoy the company of people and I love the fact that if you come to a show of mine, something will happen in the room that you can’t plan. You can’t foresee, so the audience knows that it’s in the moment. But now of course a lot of MC’s are doing that, kind of chatting to the audience and some people are looking down on it and people think its old hack, because all those MC tricks that were developed back in the day by all those guys I was talking about, people are now doing that as standard. So if you ever do something in the role of an MC, people now assume you can just use it if you’re MC’ing, which isn’t the case because it’s a particular style and art form.

Does that help you keep your shows fresh?

I personally am not one of those comics that can just do the same set day in day out. I’d get bored and the audience would see that.

The audience need to see that I’m having fun, and it’s my persona. I’m happy go lucky and the audience need to see that. Even in this show we had some stuff happen, where a guy walked in late to my gig, he had two pints and he walked straight in front of me; everyone could see him, so to get me not to say anything he handed me a pint and the audience is like ‘aw lovely’. Then halfway through the gig, he comes back to the stage, hands me the empty glass and then picks up the pint. In that moment, it looked very funny, like I could have planned it but I didn’t.

So from starting out to where you are now, what has the journey been like?

The journey for me in standup has been a long hard road. Anyone who wants to get

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into standup, you have got to be prepared to travel round the country and play in venues that aren’t even worth having a wee in and putting up with people who hate you, don’t get you, want to dislike you from the off. But if you’ve got any bottle or if you’ve got any strength of character then you’ll continue.

comics can list the worst gig’s they’ve done in a thousand page volume book, my worst one was somewhere in Portsmouth I think. I thought the gig was going very well, people were laughing, and the one person in the room who’s not laughing for some reason was the one person I focused on and I said to him “Why aren’t you laughing?” He didn’t say anything at all, so everyone is laughing with the joke and the guy sitting next to him went “Oh mate, just carry on. He doesn’t talk to niggers”. And that’s not me trying to be funny, that’s actually what happened.

I know you’ve done gigs at the Royal Variety, had sell out shows at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival but what would you say has been your highlight so far?

Well I’ve got to say, for me, the highlight must be the resurgence of stand up comedy on TV, which came via the program ‘Live at the Apollo’. That really brought stand up comedy back, in a really good way I mean, it’s well produced, production values are excellent, it’s in a really good venue (you know 3500 people screaming and shouting) and you can have a good gig on that show, and also on the internet. I personally have never put any of my stuff on the internet, other people have. So when people say ‘oh so and so’s playing’, when they haven’t seen them before, they’ll go on youtube or whatever and have a look. Generally something like ‘Live at the Apollo’ will come up and they’ll go “Oh my god this guy is hilarious, I’ve got to go and see him live”. I think you can see by this year’s Edinburgh Fringe, everyone who’s done well on the show, has got some positive reaction in terms of audience numbers. I mean this is my most successful Fringe to date.

Cause you’re playing in an 800 seat venue every single day...

Yeah, every single day. That’s why my voice is now slightly hoarse and a bit tiresome...

That must be nice, though?

Yeah, not that I’m an ego driven person but to get that number of people coming every night is very satisfying, cause it’s an endorsement; people obviously like what I do.

With my comedy I’m not about to change the world, though if you have a chance to think about something along the way that’s great, but it’s all about people having a good time.

So what’s been the worst gig you’ve had to play?

Ah the worse gig I’ve done. I’m sure many

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‘Why aren’t you laughing?’

‘Oh mate, just carry on. He doesn’t talk to niggers’

And when was this?

That was about seven years ago. Can you actually believe that? He didn’t say that, the guy next to him thought it was appropriate to say that.

You go to Australia a lot and in some of your material you touch on mild racism you faced there.

Well no, I won’t say its mild racism, that’s too much of a blanket term. I will say that there are people who because they are in Australia, America, Europe, have no point of reference for a black British person. So that is something unusual for them. But we do exist, there’s lots of us. Just go to London, go to any big city in this country and you’ll see lots of second, third generation black people who are essentially British. So I’ve had people say the most outrageous things without thinking. Whether you can excuse that as ignorance or racism, I don’t know, but at least it’s given me the opportunity to think about what they said and also challenge their perceived notions.

So you touched on TV have you got anything in the pipeline?

I’ve got lots of things in the pipeline. I’ve got a sitcom I’m in, that’s been written by Simon Nye that’s very exciting. I’ve also got my own show on BBC 2, which we go into production with early next year.

Can you maybe tell us a little something about that?

Not much. All I can tell you is that it’s happening and that I’m very excited, and very flattered and humbled. I never ever thought that in my life a) I’d be doing this job and b) that I’d be given a TV show. It’s just insane.

Are you planning to tour the show after Edinburgh?

We are going on tour late October all the way to February. We’re going to very nice venues all over the UK. And there’s a DVD ‘Find the Funny’ coming out in November, of my live show last year. You can pre-order at HMV. They love me there. Or you can get it anywhere else.

GUIDLELINES, TUTELAGE, SUGGESTIONS, Tim Key: INSTRUCTIONS, OTHER SUGGESTIONS, AND EXAMPLES ETC. AN ATTEMPTED BOOK BY TIM KEY. (& DESCRIPTIONS/CONVERSATIONS/A PIECE ABOUT A MOTH)

Anything else you want to pimp?

Pimp? I want to pimp my ride.

Have you got any tips for people wanting to get into comedy?

What you need to do is go and watch some comedy; go to lots of different venues around the country. Go and have a go, stand up there and try to be true to who you are.

Don’t fear anything because what we do at the end of the day isn’t rocket science, it’s not medicine. If the audience don’t like you then that’s fair enough, that audience didn’t like you but the next day another audience may like you. Write your own jokes, find your own voice, be confident, and let people know you have a right to be there.

And Finally What are your dreams or ambitions?

I’d like to be in the remake of ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’ Why ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’?

Because I want to play Will Smith What not Jeffrey?

No *laughs* God no, I’m far too young to play Jeffrey.

London Comedy clubs/Links Big Gigs www.liveatthechapel.co.uk Amazing Gigs www.sundayspecial.co.uk Special Gigs www.theinvisibledot.com The Comedy Bible www.chortle.co.uk

AN ATTEMPT AT DESCRIBING THE BOOK The second book by savant comedian Tim Key is an astonishing journey through the most innovative mind working in comedy today. With an eye for the absurd and an exacting way with words Key has written one of the oddest and funniest books of recent years.

Where his first book was largely hinged around poetry, this impenetrable effort is unhinged and traverses the diverse worlds of t-shirt design, camel-slaughter and sexual advice. It is a sprawling summary of Key’s current mental plight and has been designed by a boy called Ryan Ras with whom Key has a very specific relationship.

AN ATTEMPT AT DESCRIBING TIM KEY, BY TIM KEY Tim Key (the bookwriter of his new book “Instructions, Guidelines, Tutelage, Suggestions, other Suggestions and Examples etc”) is a 33 year-old (bookwriter) who works in the broad arenas of poetry, comedy, general, film and bookwriting. His first book sold out almost immediately (small print-run) and led to him becoming the resident poet on Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (BBC4) and Newswipe (BBC4) shows (ever-so cool). He also became resident poet on Mark Watson’s radio show (Radio 4) and had his poetry published in Vice magazine (niche) and Reader’s Digest (different niche). He then went back to the café and wrote a second, altogether less coherent book.

Key (still 33) works the live circuit and integrated pieces from this new (wonderful) tome in his most recent Edinburgh show, The Slutcracker (55 mins; Edinburgh Comedy Award Winner 2009). And since then Key has continued to write poetry and relax on his roof. He has now written over a thousand poems. A large number of them are excellent. But this book has nothing to do with poetry. It more concerns descriptions of photographs and maps, and the possibilities that may be contained in a fiddler’s noggin.

Signed copies £10 from www.theinvisibledot.com

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The Bald

&Beautiful the Glitz. Colour. Sparkle. A mist of perfumed hair-product. These are the images called to mind when many imagine the West End show Hairspray. Whether your memory is scarred with the image of John Travolta dressed in drag, clouded by the haze of an all-consuming passion for Zac Efron or whether you are more familiar with the razzmatazz of the stage dance numbers, ‘Hairspray’ remains a musical beyond the realms of reality. Little would you think that the new stars of the show would be seen scoffing chocolate cake and finger pastries… but Phill Jupitus, Belinda Carlisle and Sharon D Clarke did just that. These are not the image-obsessed celebs of Hollywood, but real actors with real appetites and real

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Article - Sian Tomlinson

gut. In fact, Jupitus is more familiar with his new red-sequined cocktail dress and “boobs flown in from Belgium” than the red carpet. On seeing rehearsal footage of himself dressed as eccentric mother Edna Turnblad, Jupitus remarked on how he looked disturbingly like his mother.

At a recent event to promote the new cast of Hairspray, who will be taking to the stage at London’s Shaftsbury Theatre on 26th October, I had the chance to meet these three performers under the most unusual circumstances. Amongst the throngs of ticketagency office workers fighting over the free drinks and canapés, the predatory fans inching ever-so-slowly forwards to catch the tini-

est glimpse of the stars and the hard-nosed networkers, these actors appeared almost to shrink with fear. This might seem surprising, considering that Jupitus is a household name for his conquests as a radio DJ, poet, journalist and comedian (particularly on the cult game show Never Mind The Buzzcocks) and that Carlisle enjoyed early fame in US girl band The GoGo’s and through her solo songs (most famously, the 1987 hit ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’). Sharon D Clarke is the littleknown rocket of the bunch, having never graced the glossy magazines but soaring into West End stardom after landing main parts in Chicago, We Will Rock You, The Lion King, Fame, Rent and Guys and Dolls, as well as making many TV appearances.

Clarke is by far the most down-to-earth diva I have ever met. She came across as a very approachable woman, exuding bags of charm and personality. After smuggling some of her face-branded cupcakes into a bag to show her mum back home in North London, she explained the events that lead to her current role of Motormouth Maybelle.

Clarke kick-started her career in dancing school pantos at the tender age of six (and yes she does count this as valuable industry experience!), but was patient in waiting for her big break. When she finally landed an agent at just twenty-two years old, this songstress was told her career would not come into full bloom until her thirties. Although this may have been demoralising

at the time, a handful of the most coveted West End parts, an Olivier nomination and a memorable role on Holby City later, Clarke has proved that perseverance and patience are the key to success. Her advice to aspiring performers? Get out there and do something! Whether it’s being a TV extra, backstage runner or a walk-on part in an amateur show, she stresses that experience is everything. Not only will it put you in the way of potential employers, but it will also lend you skills and invaluable knowledge about the industry so that you don’t act like a complete novice on your first professional set. She also recommends seeing as much theatre as possible.

As a working theatre professional, Clarke regrets that she often misses great shows because she has a very busy schedule and often is onstage during other performances.

On this night, however, she managed to rush off across London after our brief meeting to see a new show at the Lyric Hammersmith. As students in London we don’t have any excuses. Hairspray, like many West End musicals, offers the best unsold seats to students for only £22.50, but with new schemes such as ‘A Night Less Ordinary’, Barbican’s ‘FreeB’ and the National Theatre’s ‘Entry Pass’, QM students have even more opportunities to expand their knowledge of the theatre industry or simply enjoy a cheap night out.

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Mental Health “Some lunatic’s jumped in front of the The very nature of the term ‘mental tube at Mile End? Oh crap, I’m going health’ is problematic. Its terminology is often misunderstood and has given to be late for my lecture!” rise to stigma. We all have mental In any given year, 1 in 4 of us will suf- health. Just like our physical wellfer from a mental health problem of being, we have to make sure we are some sort, yet too many people still keeping our minds healthy too. Issues have intolerant and ignorant attitudes of mental health could be a ‘condition’ towards those people; be it the desper- or it could just be feelings of stress or ate individual lying on the tracks at Mile End, the man on the street talking to a lamppost or the girl in your lecture with cuts on her wrists. Whilst we have progressed enormously from the nineteenth century – when you could pay a penny to visit Bethlem Royal Hospital to laugh at the ‘lunatics’ and even taunt them with sticks – there is still considerable stigma, misunderstanding and fear surrounding mental illness.

On October 10th it was World Mental Health Day, a day when mental health organisations and charities worldwide raised awareness to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. Hopefully it helped to lift some of the taboo that exists in society, helping the general public and the sufferers themselves, who are often too scared to admit their problems for fear of rejection and dis- anxiety. These feelings may progress into a mental health issue or condicrimination. tion. One of the most common mental Mental health is a serious matter, and health problems is depression. Evmental health problems do not dis- eryone experiences sadness, but this criminate: they can affect anyone re- can become depression when such gardless of age, background or race. feelings continue for several weeks, often accompanied by extreme tired-

Mental health is a serious matter, and it’s problems do not discriminate

Article - Poppy Bradbury & Jen Cave

ness, anxiety, slow movement, loss of interest in life and sometimes even hallucinations. Another less common, but equally misunderstood mental illness is schizophrenia. Many people still consider it that slightly amusing disease where you have a split personality, using labels like ‘schizo’ inappropriately and derogatorily. In fact, the reality of schizophrenia is that it causes the sufferer to hear voices, have delusions and behave erratically. For example, they may become completely and irrevocably convinced that one of their limbs is missing, that someone is inserting thoughts into their head or that someone they know has been replaced by a look-alike.

Whilst we began this article with a statistic, to some extent it is pretty pointless to give you a list of figures, because, at best, they are only rough estimates. What is known is that health practitioners do not get to see the full extent of mental health problems, because so many people never ask for help. They fear that there’s nothing wrong with them and they’ll just be wasting the doctor’s time. At the same time, they might fear that if there is something wrong, they’ll be judged for it. Maybe if we all understood mental health just a little bit better, there would be less fear and people wouldn’t feel that they had to suffer in silence.

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Menta l He aLt h

Statistics

Mixed anxiety & depression is the most common mental disorder in Britain About 10% children of children have a mental health problem at problem any one time CUB ISSUE 519 43

But there is a support system to help.

Here at QM there are plenty of people who can help with mental health problems in a non-judgemental and confidential manner, such as mentors and counsellors. And it’s just as well: university life can be a very hectic, demanding and sometimes lonely experience. A degree is a long and gruelling venture, as everyday we face high expectations and never-ending demands.

What with exams, essay deadlines, rent to pay, part-time jobs, extra-curricular activities, work experience, as well as finding time to eat, sleep and have fun, university life is not exactly inducive to good physical health, let alone good mental health.

David Walmsley has been the university’s Mental Health Co-ordinator since April. This is a relatively new role. As part of QM’s Disability and Dyslexia Service (DDS), David liaises closely with Terry Patterson, QM’s Senior Counsellor, and her team in the university’s Advice and Counselling Service (ACS). It is important that the services function together. Terry deals with students in a more formal manner, providing professional and confidential counselling, either one-to-one or in organised groups, usually a peer support group with 4 or 5 other students. David’s role is less formal, that is to say, as a mentor, rather than a trained counsellor he is less restricted by ‘red-tape’.

This reinforces the credibility of counsellors in terms of confidentiality, while still providing students with somebody who can help with practicalities on campus, outside of the counsel room, to aid this support.

simple solutions to alleviate the burden of practical day-to-day stuff, so that you can really consider your problems without the added stresses of menial tasks.

Anything from sorting out an extension on your essay to providing laptops or voice recorders to make note-taking in lectures easier, and, if necessary, access to Disabled Students Allowance.

David assures me he will never turn a student away: ‘I cannot judge how big or small a problem can be for a student.

Sometimes a bit of advice or just talking to someone can stop something getting serious.’ If a student’s problem doesn’t subside, David will then refer them to Terry and her team. ‘Our service is there for people who think they can work on changing a problem, temporary issues that are usually resolvable with counselling,’ she says.

If further aid is needed, Terry will refer students to other services outside university on the NHS.

Information about both services are located around campus, on the university website, and every fresher receives brochures in their induction packs with all the information you need. The services are free, confidential and discreet, and welcome all students at any time, over any stage of your degree.

David is in touch with over 50 students, while Terry’s team will see up to 600 students per year, with another 300 to 400 who make initial inquiries. Is that more than you expected? The services don’t just provide counselling, they also offer assertiveness training workshops to resolve self-esteem and anxiety issues, and even a procrastination workshop, which most of us could probably David tells me, ‘People who use our make the most of! The key is commuservices usually find them helpful, but nicating your problems and knowing not everyone knows about us.’ He what services are available to you. continues, ‘What’s important is being available but discreet.’ David’s office is I spoke to one student about how they located on the ground floor of Maynard benefited from the services offered House, one of the on-campus accom- on campus. ‘If there’s one thing that modation blocks at Mile End. His of- matters most to me in getting support fice is a comfortable space with Ikea from my uni, it has got to be respect,’ lounge chairs and when he arranges he says. As David underlines, one of to meet you he will block out a whole the most important things is keeping hour for each student. David is warm, students on track with their studies, so approachable and easy to talk to. He is they can make the most of their time at not a doctor and he is not an academic university and are not unfairly penalised tutor. He is there to discuss the practi- on an academic level. This student has calities of your problems. He can offer been provided with an academic men-

Statistics - www.mentalhealth.org.uk

tor, and access to a laptop. ‘Stress is a problem for my condition and having someone there who both knows what I have to deal with and can help me organise my studies better will help a lot.’

It’s important that the correct services are provided, but also with the correct attitude. This student commends the enthusiasm of all the staff, ‘I was met warmly and as an equal. The advisor made sure I understood the support available and gave me options, putting the power in my hands.’ Being treated like an equal, not like a patient and not being misjudged due to insufficient labels, is essential. ‘That’s a huge help, and means that I can get on with studying without worrying about being at a disadvantage compared to most students.’

On Tuesday 13th October in Village Square at the Mile End Campus, the Welfare Team teamed up with the DDS and ACS with the event ‘How’s Your Balance?’ in association with World Mental Health Day. As an afternoon of discovery, local organization Circus Space were on hand, with music and circus workshops – juggling and tightrope walking – to get students thinking about good balance. The aim was to promote the necessity of maintaining a good balance between work, study and fun, as well as to advertise the support services available free, on campus to all students. Terry was pleased to speak to me, ‘It’s good for us to get out and about, to make sure students know we are here.’ QMotion instructors were also around giving free health checks, and the Welfare team were offering free food to inspire health living. Minor mental health problems can be managed be alleviating excess stresses in all aspects. David asserts the importance of a good balance of food, exercise, productivity and fun to maintain a healthy body and in turn, a healthy mind.

Hopefully people will continue to become more aware and understanding of mental health problems, and maybe next time you hear that someone has jumped in front of a tube at Mile End, you’ll think about that person instead of the delays to your journey.

Women are more likely to have been treated for a menmental health problem than men Mental health health Mental problemss afproblem fect 13% of boys aged 1115, and 10% of girl girlss aged 11-1 11-155

Each & every year, 1 in 4 of us will suffer because of a menta l health problem

British men are 3 times as likely as British women to die by suicide

The UK has one est highest of the high ratess of self rate harm in Europe – 400 per 100,000 people 100,000 people CUB ISSUE 519 44

careers.

qmul.ac

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.uk

Careers

Visit QM Careers f help fin or di and get ng tin jobs and g experien work ce

Why not write or draw something for the next person who picks up cub?

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My first day at my new school

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Queen Mary’s brand new Principal Simon Gaskell started on 1st October. Cub caught up with the ex-Vice President of the University of Manchester to find out how he’s going to handle running a university, how he’s going to reach the average student and, well, whether he prefers boxers or briefs…

You’ve just moved from Manchester, have you ever lived in London before?

cause it’ll look good on my CV’ or ‘shall I do Unfortunately I don’t have a secret formula, that because it’ll look good socially.’ Just do if I did I’d sell it to one of the major parties! what you want to do in the broadest sense, not in a purely hedonistic sense.

There is currently a growing trend of countries offering HighWhy did you choose Queen Mary? er Education taught in English so that less international stuQueen Mary chose me. I thought Queen dents, who contribute greatly to Mary was a very desirable place to go to. funding our HE system, will come My own background is from research-led to England to study, do you see universities. To me what that means is a this as a problem? university which, if you like, is full-service.

Those students that are being taught are not That needn’t be a problem, and may be a real being taught by those trying to keep up with positive incentive. If we want to persuade, the state-of-the-art in their subject but are for example, a student in Brazil who wants creating the state-of-the-art in their subject. to study in English, looking at studying in anI was interested in a university that covered a other country offering education in English broad intellectual range. I find it enormously or England, that student has to choose Engstimulating to be in that kind of environment. land because we’re better, and that can’t be a bad thing. The competition has to drive us What do you think is the best way towards improving our own quality of educato reach the average student? tion. We’re just going to have to work harder.

I was actually brought up in North West London, from the age of six months to seventeen. I must confess I always said I’d never want to live or work in London again, as I associated it with long commutes and spending an excessive amount of time going to and from work. But now I can walk to work, it only takes 25 minutes and it’s good exer- There will be Meet the Principal events for cise – that was not what I associated with all students. The Students’ Union offers a forworking in London. mal route – I meet with the President Nasir Tarmann on a monthly basis. There are also If you had the choice of being a smaller things I can do. Getting lunch around student again, or Principal, what campus, for example – it’s partly about being would you choose? seen and partly about transmitting the message that students can get in contact with I would be a Principal as this is something me. Now, if they show up on my door it’s new. I wouldn’t want not to have been a stu- extremely unlikely I’ll be free, but emails are dent, but right now I’ve done that and I’m a possibility. I’m not advocating bypassing happy to move onto something new. Recol- the normal communication channels but if lections of what it was to be student is part there is a critical issue I’ll be responsive. That of the background of how I will act as a Prin- response may be getting the appropriate cipal. But no question, I wouldn’t want to put person to respond and not myself personally, the clock back. but I will always be available to students in some capacity.

I think it’s tougher to be a student now than it was. When I was a student, it was a much The debate on tuition fees and more limited group who went to university, how Higher Education should be so it was very privileged and society saw it funded has been raging for the as their role to pay for this. Society has now past year, what do you feel about decided rightly or wrongly that they cannot this dilemma? afford to pay for this kind of support for all the students who now go to university, so It’s a very complex issue. My starting point it’s a much tougher time. is that we have to do two things. We have to minimise the restrictions on going to uniWhat would be your best piece of versity which arise from either financial or advice to a student? social background. We also have to devise solutions which are politically achievable.

Don’t worry about where this is taking you. You could argue, and I probably would, that Just really enjoy, and be stimulated by, what the equitable way to achieve this is to have you’re doing at the moment. This probably an element of income tax. There has been a sounds like unconventional advice but it’s suggestion of a graduate tax, which doesn’t sort of like ‘live life for the moment’… I don’t make sense. People that earn more, like myquite mean that, just focus on deriving ben- self, should pay more to help students go to efit from your course and the social options university. Pragmatically, politically, I don’t you have. And don’t think ‘shall I do that be- think that is going to happen, so we will see.

Interview - Sam Cunningham

Some institutions are considering leaving the University of London, where does Queen Mary fit into that?

For Queen Mary it’s an interesting proposition. There’s absolutely no question that at this stage the University of London brand is actually quite important. It’s also true that interactions with some of the other institutions are really very productive and are facilitated by being part of the UofL umbrella. At present, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

Either / Or… Sweet or sour?

You can’t win with that kind of question.

Sweet sounds sickly and sour sounds bitter and twisted. Sour to me sounds more focussed than the sweet, so I’ll go for sour.

North or South?

That is completely unfair bearing in mind I’ve moved from North to South. So I’d have to say South, but I don’t see that as an opposition that needs to be perceived!

Early bird or night owl?

Pretty much early bird. I’m here pretty early in the morning every day.

Boxers or briefs? [laughing] Briefs!

Cats or dogs?

I can’t stand either of them! I think both are more of an encumbrance than an asset.

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e a r d o n ol nd V .t Su o a l i o u e, s ui q r o em da LET’S SAVE HISTORY! Well I did it, guys. I said “fuck” in an article about history and y’know something? Nobody died. The world didn’t end.

And we had just over forty people at our history society Freshers party the other week. Who knew making history funny and involving alcohol would strike such a chord with young people today? Really. Who knew?! All joking aside though, I do hope I made my point.

History has got this image of being dull and boring, but that’s only because we let it. Please not another lecture about Communist Russia. Please not another monotone teacher.

Please no more of this dull nonsense. Tell the masses something that gets their attention! Like Mozart was a druggie, for example. Or that Britannia had a gay monarch... or four.

Telling them fun history is better history. It’s history which reaches more people, history which will give us a brand new audience and in doing so will drag our industry through the recession and out the other side intact. It’s history which is out there for you and me to enjoy. You just gotta find it!

Yeah, we are going to offend some people. Yeah, we will have to do a little dance with the PC brigade from time to time, who seem to want to censor our history for fear of saying the word “gay” in case it offends someone. But y’know something? As much I can’t stand reading or writing about him, there was another little man , once upon a time, with funny little moustache who also tried to censor history and things didn’t end up working out too well for him in the end.

Just sayin’... Basically what we gotta do is make a pact.

(I’ve worked all this out by the way.) We make a pact that

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49

Column - Anastasia Beaumont-Bott

we will save history. Let’s have an event where historians – real ones – come in and we laugh about history. Real history! None of this “let’s pussyfoot around the facts in case someone gets upset”, let’s just have a full blown roflcopter about this country’s history. Let’s do it! Let’s save history!

So with this all in mind, and with my point proven at the Freshers party the other week, I have been given a regular column here to talk about history and shit. I’m going to be writing about all the places I go visit, and not just castles!

I’m always finding historical crap. Have recently become rather intrigued by Tower Hamlets cemetery park for example. Fuck loads of history in there! But yeah, I’m going to be talking about history.

However... this issue, I had planned to write about the exhibition currently on at the Tower of London: “Henry VIII: Dressed to Kill” which I had planned to attend. But then last week, in my prime, I was shot down by a kidney infection. It was fucking epic. Seriously, I was bed ridden for ages and I didn’t eat for four days. I still can’t drink alcohol!

It also meant I couldn’t go see Henry, so I was left with the question “what am I going to write about?” This last month I have been busy again with the book. I’m getting an agent you see.... very posh, I know but sounds wicked cool. So with me very ill, and Henry VIIIs jousting suit some way off from being viewed, I’ve decided to shamelessly plug said book instead. Here’s an extract. It’s about luuurve and Henry VIII. Enjoy!

i e gn al , i d um er d r i o s es ieb i ip u m m i a ic ie “Perhaps the biggest lesson we can take away from Henry VIIIs life is that, nothing – and I mean nothing! – should get in the way of love… not even religion. And if it does, heck just change the religion of your country. NOTHING should get in the way of love. Ok, maybe that tasty little pork chop over there… that interesting looking tiramisu…. and that mouth watering set of sticky ribs… but right after that, Henry swore, he would get right to being the world’s greatest defender of love. I mean, shagging. The world’s greatest defender of shagging.

Big Ole’ Henry wasn’t always Big Ole’ Henry though. In fact, in the beginning he was Little ‘spare heir’ Henry. Nobody really reckoned much to him. His own grandmother thought him so insignificant that she actually messed up his date of birth in her book of hours. Henry had an elder brother called Arthur who was first in line to the throne. He was the big cheese. He was the one they all loved. It was Arthur this, Arthur that and “isn’t Arthur just so fucking wonderful?” and understandably perhaps Henry may have been sitting there all those years watching his elder brother get everything, slowly accumulating massive loads of “pissed off”, which may in fact actually explain why Henry actually goes so crazy in later years. Anyway, Henry’s first wife, Catherine of Aragon, was originally married to his elder brother Arthur.

Then, when Arthur died, Henry had an epic orgasm of joy and quickly moved up a notch and became first in line to the throne, not only inheriting the entire Kingdom, many palaces, castles and shit but also his brothers now widowed wife; Catherine of Aragon. And this is kinda where the whole hoohah that was Henrys sex life, really begins. From this day forth, he was no longer Henry ‘spare heir’ Tudor. Fuck that bullshit. It was King Henry VIII all the way, defender of shagging, eater of pork chops, lamb chops, tiramisu, dumplings, wine, pheasants, beef, pork pies, the pies where the birds fly out of them, hog roasts, jellies, sugary snacks, pastries and the occasional eel. As if this glamorous title wasn’t enough, he also now became the first monarch ever to demand to be called “Your Majesty”. “Yes, Your Majesty.”

“Whatever you want, Your Majesty.” “Just please don’t eat me, Your Majesty… I am not a char-grilled steak…”

The stage was set for the world’s first rock star. The young Henry was the complete opposite of the massive lardarse he went on to become. Muscular, slim, athletic and very sexy – these are the words you can use to describe the young Henry VIII. He excelled in archery and jousting and enjoyed hunting and feasting. He was luxurious, wore all the

finest clothes, was well read, spoke several languages, including the language of lurve which we all know is made up of a mixture of burping, hiccupping and French. Now Henry was the big cheese and the world was literally his oyster. It is possibly, probably, ok-completely-never-happened, around this time that Henry said his famous words, “Catherine, I want to be bigger than Elvis!” This was all well and good and a fine aspiration to hold. Until of course he actually blew up and went kaboom at his own funeral years later as a result of his over indulgent lifestyle. At his largest, Henry’s bed was an impressive 4 meters wide and getting him out of bed in the morning required a very high tech series of levers, ropes, pulleys and possibly a monkey wrench. The king had eaten himself to death. But in the meantime, there was much shagging to do. Starting with Anne Boleyn…

Anne Boleyn wasn’t entirely unknown territory to Henry.

He’d already had her sister, Mary, and both girls had been educated in the court of France. Bet that perked Henrys ears up… Ironically, Henry also owned two ships named after the sisters, one called Mary Boleyn, and later another called Anne Boleyn. Poor Henry, little he did realise the weight of his words when he smashed the bottle of ye olde moet on the boat and chimed “God bless this boat and all ye who shall sail in her....” Anyways so along comes Anne Boleyn with her rumoured eleven fingers, big boobs and dark eyes and Henry is like “Oh my god, I gotta get me some of that… as well as some of those yummy little partridges in gravy over there, om nom nom nom!” Actual quote. With his sights set on Anne Boleyn, Henry began bombarding her with gifts, all of which she rejected as she was playing hard to get. Some of my female readers may like to note that although Anne Boleyn invented the art of playing hard to get, she ultimately ended up with her head rolling about on the ground outside the Tower of London, and perhaps this is a warning to us all. Anyways, Anne Boleyn gave Henry an ultimatum. He had to divorce Catherine, marry her instead and make her Queen Anne of England. What followed is the truest explanation for the phrase “opening a can of whoopass”....”

Hope you all enjoyed at. Next time I’ll be writing about my trip to Avignon. I’m going to see the Palace of the Popes.

Haha... me in the Palace of the popes. It’s got disaster written all over it already. You can just tell it’ll end up on Channel Four news. Someone maybe drop them a quick phonecall and give them a heads up...

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No, this time I really have. It’s minarchism.

It has to be. According to Wikipedia, minarchism, “refers to a political ideology which maintains that the state’s only legitimate function is the protection of individuals from aggression.[…] Minarchists oppose all compulsory spending, intervention, and regulation, except those whose only function is to protect individuals from aggression. Such minimal functions include courts, military, and police”. Well, what do you think? (I know, they can barely manage those things, but it’s that or private security firms and I’m drawing the line before that.) Fans of child tax credits and free bus passes might not be so keen.

Neither, presumably, would most of the six million people working within the public sector. You might think that it would be anarchy without the Inland Revenue, local government, councils, bin men, Ofsted, firemen, road sweepers, the civil service etc but to my mind we’re pretty much there already.

sweep this hopeless shower of gurning turds out from their hiding places and while you’re at it, get rid of the infrastructure that supports them We have an Attorney General who hired a Tongan woman to clean her house without checking her passport, flouting her own legislation on employment law in the process.

When it transpired that her servant was not only an illegal immigrant but her lax employment status also broke tax laws, absolutely nothing happened. As per Baroness Scotland’s own legislation, knowingly employing an illegal immigrant worker holds a two year prison sentence and an unlimited fine. Unknowingly doing so can lead to a maximum £10,000 fine. Rather than resigning, she has instead upgraded her ministerial car from a Toyota Prius to a Jaguar XJ. This is anarchy all right, just with a clean house and a nice car at the taxpayer’s expense.

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Article - Clark Hogan-Taylor

What a State We are In.

You are here

This all sounds rather Daily Mail, I realise, shouting about immigrants and taxpayers, but bear with me. That’s not it at all. I just can’t help thinking it might be worth a go.

Sweep this hopeless shower of gurning turds out from their hiding places and while you’re at it, get rid of the infrastructure that supports them. If we’re going to have anarchy it might as well be honest and transparent, not to mention better value.

paying a postal service to actually deliver your mail which they will because they’re run privately Once you get thinking about life without such endless state interference it only makes increasing amounts of sense. Rather than traffic wardens being paid commission for the number of cars they ticket, you could have local pay and display schemes, enforced by overweight people that need the exercise, who are paid out of the money the machines take. You would take home almost all your money (some taxation necessary for the provision of minimal healthcare I feel and this is not contrary to the minarchist doctrine), with which you could better decide where it should be spent: bumping up your basic healthcare package if you’re often unwell, investing in your child’s school, paying a postal service to actually deliver your mail – which they will because they’re run privately – rather than to stand around bins in the Midlands moaning about change. Rather than hopeless local education authorities who seem incapable of making bank transfers on time, you would have privately run companies who, if they did not deliver your money to you, would wither and die because nobody would use them. (The three private companies who run deposit protection schemes are perfect example of how this would work.) How can it be that decisions as to what to do with so much of your money are supposedly better made by somebody else?

How can it be that decisions about parking,

anti-social behavior, schools and road signs are better made in Whitehall than in the place the decisions affect?

When Gordon Brown recently stumbled his way through an announcement in which he declared the government would sell off the Dartford crossing, the cross-channel rail link and Tote bookmakers, did anybody else sit up and ask, why the hell does the government own a bookies? Why indeed does it own any of the things he listed? How can it know how to run anything (other than the state itself) better than somebody whose professional reputation rests on maintaining a tunnel or running a bookies? It cannot and does not.

Furthermore, it probably doesn’t know how to run a state better than anyone else, it’s just that we have to elect someone democratically to oversee the judicial system and police to minimise corruption in those areas.

National defence is also theirs because of its national nature – it cannot be run locally because it concerns the entire country but very few policy areas, if any, can say the same.

In fact, for the sake of argument, say we did open up defence of the realm to competing private security firms; who thinks they would have gone charging around the Middle East at unimaginable expense and heavy loss of life without doing their homework and lying to the country in the process? Of course they wouldn’t have, because they’d never risk losing their contract.

I’m not suggesting it would be perfect or easy, and in some cases it probably would be anarchy for a while, but we would sort it out calmly and get on with it, without creating seventeen separate departments, spending £8m on logos, £9m on a broken IT system and drawing up twenty pieces of legislation only to immediately flout all of them because they make no sense. In short, if we’re going to have anarchy, at least let it be ours.

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Malcom & I’ve just started uni and I have a boyfriend.

I am wondering whether I should get rid of him like so many people do when they go to uni. Do you have any tips on how I can work out whether I should keep or bin him? FD, E12 I would keep a small photo of him in your pocket.

When you are in the Union/Gym/Post Office and see someone you might have an affair with, hold up the photo and see who is better looking. This way you can compare them side by side and decide on a person-by-person basis.

Jeggings? Yay or Nay? Anon, E1

lem being that you find him very attractive. If he laughs tell him you were just reciting the opening lines of your favourite Carry On movie and that his flies are undone.

My room at home is covered in posters, mainly of various “hunks”; posters that I put up when I was about 14. While packing my room up to move to Uni, I automatically took down my posters and brought them with me. My friends helped me put up Josh Hartnett and Leonardo DiCaprio. It wasn’t until I looked around the rooms of my fellow flatmates and noticed their carefully chosen film posters or obscure band promo flyers that adorned their walls that I realised I was probably going to be brutally judged for my juvenile taste. Any tips for how to regain my credibility? HT, E3

There is a reason why someone invented jeans, and someone entirely different invented leggings. I wouldn’t be surprised if some Chinese factory had a mix up in their sewing department and to try and cut their losses, tried to market them to New Look as a joke. Unfortunately lots of chubby girls and naïve 14 You can either confront your flatmates about it or not. You can either claim you put up your posters year olds got sucked in. Resist! “ironically” for a “social experiment” or quietly take them down and put the standard Radiohead poster I went to see my GP last week, and when I alongside some vintage Polaroid snaps. entered his room he was standing by the filing cabinet putting some files away. I immediately noticed that his flies were undone and My boyfriend shares a house with 4 other couldn’t concentrate for the rest of our boys. Whenever I go round the toilet seat is conversation, as I did not know what to say up, as would be expected. I am really the only and I always want to be polite. What would girl who uses the toilet, so should I put it have been the best thing to say, in case I ever back up to be polite, as I am a guest? JS, WC1 find myself in this situation again? FR, WC3 I sincerely doubt that ‘JS’ the ‘girlfriend’ has written Never mind what you should say, it’s more about this question. I have a strong supposition that the what you should do. You clearly have some very aforementioned boyfriend has had a disagreement unresolved tensions here. Have you thought about with his better half and has written in to prove his why his nether region was the first thing you looked point. But, to answer your question JS, no. Just to at when you entered the room? Next time you see spite your boyfriend. your doctor, tell him you have a problem: that prob-

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Mindy There’s this guy I like on my law course. We’ve spoken a few times and he added me on facebook weeks ago. I’m always trying to find excuses to talk to him but I’m worried that if we don’t talk soon, I may lose him to another girl. Recently on his facebook, I noticed there’s a girl leaving lots of flirty comments on his wall with kisses at the end. What do I do?

I’m going to be blunt. Get a fucking life. Get off facebook, get down drapers and go strike up a conversation with him. The world does not revolve around facebook and you are not a computer program. Real life. It’s out there, go find it.

I have recently moved into a new rented flat which is very nice. The only problem is that the walls are really thin and I can hear every single the neighbours do. I often can recognise the films they are watching by listening to the dialogue. The thing is they often watch these films at 2 in the morning and laugh so loudly I am often awakened. I don’t want to come across as picky as I have just moved in, what should I do?

Go round to meet them with some headphones as a housewarming gift. If they don’t get the message start shouting out the lines from the films at an untimely point and I’m sure they will quickly get the point.

Ok so this is quite embarasing, mindy I think I’m addicted to porn but not just the normal kind, I really get turned on by granny’s the way their skin folds and ripples when it’s, sorry got to stop myself. Normally this woudn’t be a problem but as part of my course I have to do a medical internship and I’ve been offered one in a care home. What should I do?

I really fancy one of my cousins. It’s just wrong in my opinion and I feel sick every time I get frustrated because I would be a prick if I did anything about how I feel. She is the same age as me and we have a lot in common and being naturally good with women she knows I have girls in my life, so the flirting just happens as a jokey type thing between us (except inside I’m being serious which she Woah there nelly, I’m sure you have been told this doesn’t realise). What the hell should I do? I before but you are one sick puppy. REALLY? Gran- hate thinking with my balls but it’s just drivnys! You either need to get laid or get castrated as ing me insane that she is forbidden fruit. soon as possible to get rid of this HORRIBLE addiction. First things first don’t take the internship the Hmmm.... this is a bit of a sick pickle isn’t it? Forbidlast thing someone in a care home wants is a fright den fruit scenarios are always a bit tricky; your inlike that during their spounge bath, your likely to kill credibly fit old tutor with the sexy accent, your best the poor things. If you have opted against castration mate’s big sister, your mate’s girlfriend etc, but this (remember it is a pretty simple and painless proce- one is extra forbidden. Why? Cos she’s your cousdure) then we need to get you laid. I hate to say it in. And no matter how many different ways you try but I think you need drapers. Go and buy yourself to justify it, in the end, if you have kids, they will be some new clothes and wash those filthy thoughts munters. That’s the bottom line here. Please don’t away then head down there and find yourself a will- infect the gene pool. Thanks. ing lady for the night and remember the joy of youth.

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To the cute browny-blonde haired Northern girl who works behind the bar at Drapers. You served me shots, but you shot straight to my heart.

See you at Flirt! Some time soon.

Saw you at the quiz - liked the suit.

Should’ve asked you a few questions of my own. If you want to test my intelligence, better yet my anatomical knowledge, find me next week.

Scarlet lipped woman.

Love You were lost in Arts looking for the Politics department; I gave you directions when I probably should’ve given you my number. Same spot Friday?

Brown eyed girl.

It doesn’t take two scientists to work out that we’ve got chemistry, so stop flirting with me & take me out! Almana.

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Have another chance by emailing us at lost@cubmagazine.co.uk

I was handing out flyers for the Amnesty gig. You may not have won the raffle, but you won my heart. Let me take you to the comedy show next week? Shah.

I saw you with the Boat Club, the really tall guy. You sailed into my life, now I’m hoping you’ll moor up permanently. I heard you had the best Cox skills in the team. Hopefully next time I’ll have the courage to say hey.

Lost Yazmin, I told you I wasn’t gonna give up easily... now I’ve got this in print, I believe you owe me a date. H.

Met you in Budgens buying vodka a few hours before Hail Mary. I said I’d meet you at the bar but I wasn’t there - I’m sorry. Buy you a red beer to make up for it? Northern lad.

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Testament

KEITH JARRETT. Review By Darius Eduljee

Jarrett makes it clear in the sleeve notes to Testament that the circumstances leading up to the recording were not ideal – he and his wife had recently separated and his famously short fuse was quick to blow at intervals throughout the concerts which unsurprisingly did not make the final 3CD cut. In both, Jarrett refused to bite his tongue after the almost inevitable bouts of crowd noise had cut through his concentration, he stopped his playing and walked the ten or so feet to the microphone to deliver a weary lecture on the psychological implications of excessive coughing. While Jarrett’s ego can at times feel overbearing it is a commitment to music which underpins his prickly demeanour, the trademark whoops and fits of tuneless singing are abundant – especially in the London concert which seems to have been miked slightly too close – but endearing, he is after all discovering the joy of the music at the same time as the audience. Recorded for ECM the set is compiled from two improvised solo performances given at Paris’ Salle Pleyel and London’s Royal Festival Hall at the end of last year. Ordinarily an album of this size tends to be bloated and in need of a good carving, but the difference between the two concerts is surprisingly marked and provides interesting points of contrast. The first disc from Paris is more restless than the reflective and often emotional London per-

formances of discs 2 and 3; the former has a more experimental feel, while the latter is more comfortable and lean.

The Jarrett presented on these discs is certainly not that of Köln or Lausanne. The epic 20 minute arcs of mutating shape and colour are notably absent, and as such they sometimes lack the same coherence as its predecessors. But while at times this can be detrimental it can also prove exhilarating, as proven in the transition between jagged bebop and delicate ballad between parts V and VI of the London concert. Each of the discs retain broadly the same pattern, one stomping blues, one burst of uncontrollable freeform and one lyrical down-tempo number, each rarely exceeding the vague threshold of the 10 minute mark, but the breadth of ideas on display are consistently fascinating and rewarding. The trademark cascading runs are by turn frenetic and reflective and the pulsating rhythms mostly steer clear of any hint of pastiche.

It’s a pity that Jarrett chose not to include the touching rendition of Somewhere Over The Rainbow with which he finished the London concert, nor for that matter a couple of the other strictly regimented encores, but the finished album is a fitting testament to two extraordinary performances.

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A Big Deal?

THE PIXIES LIVE. Review by Emma Weston

There aren’t many bands still performing today who can claim to have influenced one of the most iconic rock songs of all time but the Pixies, who famously drove Kurt Cobain to pen ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’, prove that the ‘live fast; die young’ philosophy should really read ‘live vast; die old’. The pinnacle of Kurt Cobain’s enlightenment was a blood splattered wall in a Seattle mansion whereas Frank Black’s choice, although less spectacular, proves that a sweat splattered wall in Brixton, to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the Pixies’ 1989 album Doolittle, has more life and energy than listening to Nevermind alone in your room.

At a time when many bands are embarking on retrospective tours it’s rare to find a concert to look forward to that still remains fresh and vibrant even if the band is a bit past its best. The Pixies hold all the components to an ageing rock band; a 20 year old album; an overweight 44 year old lead singer; and a turbulent past. However if you were expecting a dull run through of a once exceptional album in the spirit of inheritance for the grandkids, the Pixies aren’t for you.

So with both excitement and a slight sense of apprehension filling the air on the first night of four at the Brixton Academy, the Pixies walked onto a darkened stage kicking-off with B-side ‘Dancing the Manta Ray’. By the time Kim Deal played the first few notes of the Bunuel film inspired ‘Debaser’, the crowd were bouncing and screaming ‘un chien Andalusia’ back towards the stage. Playing with such precision it was no wonder that the 5,000 strong mass was ecstatic with the return of Black’s almost demonic screams and Deal’s dark bass lines

during ‘Tame’. The set appeared to fly by with each track seeming better and more meaningful than the last. This performance wasn’t just a run of the mill show; there was a sense of purpose evident throughout, especially in the frantic performance of ‘Dead’ and the stunning, mellower sounds of ‘La La Love You’ and ‘Hey’. The highlight of both the album and the night has got to be the exceptional ‘Monkey Gone to Heaven’. Both poignant and melodic, it left the crowd almost in a state of Pixie hypnosis chanting the lyrics ‘if man is five, then the Devil is six and if the Devil is six then God is seven’ back as if crying an oath of musical allegiance to Frank Black and co.

With bright lights and smoke galore the band received a well-deserved reception for the encore, playing classics such as; ‘Bone Machine’ and ‘U-Mass’, as well as ‘Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf)’ and final song, ‘Gigantic’. The last few bars had the crowd pleading for more, as desperate as vampires with a thirst for new blood. The only real disappointment of an almost faultless set was the absence of the anthem ‘Where Is My Mind?’ but maybe that would’ve made the night too perfect.

Despite the fact that Doolittle is older than I am, each song held some kind of resonance proving that it doesn’t matter how old a piece of music is, what matters is the everlasting effect it has on its listeners. If the Pixies can teach us anything, it’s that music is timeless and with the new era of iTunes and all things digital, accessible too.

All I can say is that this girl’s gone to heaven.

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Axe To Fall

CONVERGE. Review by Jamie Collins-Adams

There is an applied science to Converge’s sound, the blending of metal and hardcore is often a tricky road, but it’s never been a problem for a band that by it’s seventh album, still sound more urgent and driven than both their peers and the vast majority of younger acts of the genre. Album title song ‘Axe To Fall’, is archetypal of the ferocity the band are notorious for: fast fingered guitar playing, lightning quick drumming, and Jacob Bannon’s indecipherable screaming. Converge’s greatest talent has always been imagination, both in the reinterpretation of their own material and their willingness to experiment with new ideas. Although the sound is always relentless, it is played dramatically different in each song. ‘Worms Will Feed’ and ‘Damages’ slow the tempo down mid album, demonstrating an ability to evoke eeriness and pulverise simultaneously. ‘Dead Beat’ is melodic and furious, Kurt Ballou’s guitar and the rhythm section lurch from uplifting to chaotically violent and back again in a moment, stabbing mathematically into the dark at an invisible enemy. All the elements feel calculated, and yet it feels almost sporadic at times. Converge are rare as a band that are articulate enough to have completely controlled, precise and complicated songs that are still wild, passionate and powerful.

However while the music is brutal, Bannon’s lyrics continue to poignantly show the incredibly fragile human figure underneath the opaque shell of a band that appears monstrous with its sound and image. ‘Dark Horse’s imagery of death as an unyielding

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punchline to the struggle of life, evokes an entirely new feeling to the song’s boisterousness and transforms his defiant scream of showing “the demons for what they are” from a threat, into a weak voice against a inevitable wave that crashes down with all the musical force Converge can give it.

Axe To Fall comes as another strong album in Converge’s brimming, arsenal, the consistent and intelligent output of the band have made them thoroughly established as stalwarts of metal/hardcore. The new album is stated to be a “collaborative effort” by the band with members of The Red Chord, Cave In, Neurosis and others although its scarcely noticeable. The external parts appear to have been harvested into the fervent blur of intensity, appearing simply as one with Converge.

Of all the bands involved, the electronic music/metal gurus Genghis Tron are the only musical partner that appears to have dramatically affected the direction of the song they appear on (Wretched World). The fusion of the two bands creates a textural depth and spectrum that is extremely rare for metal: synths, looped guitars and chanting vocals overlap and becomes spectral, hypnotic. The chemistry between the two bands is natural; they are both brightly akin in their will and determination to push their genre forward.

‘Wretched World’ finishes Axe To Fall with a perfect yet unsatisfied moan. Converge have once more proved their ability to demolish both musically and emotionally and yet are still looking evolve further.

UNBALANCE

2562. Review By Jamie Collins-Adams

2562 is the dubstep/minimal electronic project by Dutch artist Dave Husimans. On Unbalance, Husimans has developed his own language as a dub artist, furthering the ideas and sounds from last album Aerial and like the former, Unbalance clicks and beeps the listener into a semi conscious meditation.

Previous forays into both techno and minimal mean techniques from both genres are present on the album, but 2562 doesn’t simply juxtapose styles - he exercises elements of both on the other and in doing so creates a sound quite distinctively his own. There is constantly plenty going on, it is quite easy to become lost in the arrangements as bass whirls underneath the melodies and clatter of crooked rhythms. The beats themselves are complex, seemingly overlapping and jittering. Hefty amounts of delay sculpt them into endless entities. The production has to be commended for accommodating all the parts their own space and time with no clutter; the sound is crisp and clear like a pair of new spectacles.

cutter, but while Boxcutter makes the listener aware of the cold electronic elements of his music 2562 instead evokes sensuality, ebbing like tides of the sea, dynamic and mesmerising. There is a flow and humming to his work that feels almost natural. The minimal elements are incredibly effective, none of the parts feel in your face or pushy and the listener is left to explore the songs for themselves. The sound is expansive too, ticks and taps of the percussion, nearly mute background rises and the wobbly lurch of the beat inflate out of my speakers and swell sporadically throughout the room, echoing off the crust of the high ceiling.

Unbalance will not be to everyone’s taste.

The music is mellow, sub heavy, engaging but not energetic. Subtlety is the art form on display here performed with finesse. However the songs speak for themselves; each one balloons into a world of its own, submerging the listener. If hypnotic power and immersion in a sound bigger than a sum of its parts appeals to you, I would highly recommend Stylistically, Unbalance brings to mind Box- Unbalance.

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