LGBTQ at BYU

The Out Foundation is an alumni group of Brigham Young University and other schools operated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Their hope is to empower fellow alumni and current students to achieve their potential through mentoring, social events, scholarships, and advocacy.

The group is providing financial grants, connecting students with internship opportunities, and enabling support for projects that benefit the LGBTQ+ community either in Utah or abroad.

As part of this objective, Out asked alumni of BYU-Provo, BYU-Idaho, and BYU-Hawaii about their university experience, what they are doing today, and what advice they would give current LGBTQ students at the Church-owned schools.

Here are four of the stories:

Alex Orton

BA COMMUNICATIONS (’12)

DESCRIBE YOUR BYU EXPERIENCE: I always knew I wanted to be a Cougar. My parents met at BYU, and I remember going to basketball games in the Marriott Center with my dad. He and my mom would often tell me stories of their time in Provo, and I wanted to have a similar experience. When it came time to apply to college, I didn’t really consider any other options. In hindsight, maybe part of it was wanting to make my parents proud of me.

Whatever the reason, in the summer of 2007, I packed my 1997 Nissan Altima and

headed off to Rexburg for my freshman year at BYU-Idaho. After completing my first year in Rexburg, I applied to BYU and was accepted as a transfer student.

When I arrived in Provo, I viewed it as a clean slate. While I had excelled academically in Idaho, I was now a 19-yearold male who had decided not to serve a mission. Nearly every time I would introduce myself, the first thing people would say to me was, “So, when are you putting your papers in?” and I’d have to make up yet another excuse for why I was still around campus. The truth is, I really didn’t want to serve a mission. I had no desire. But I had to play the part.

Shortly after transferring to BYU, I met some great friends at my off-campus job. We would hang out outside of work. I ended up getting very close to one of them in particular. Let’s call her Jane. After about six months, I decided that if a relationship were going to work with anyone, it would probably be with her. We started dating, and eventually, she asked me a very terrifying question: “Are you gay?”

Now, growing up, I knew something was different about me. I knew that all my best friends had been female, and I knew that I fit some of the stereotypes associated with gay men. I mean, I could practically recite the entire movie “Legally Blonde” from memory. Not to mention my extensive collection of musical soundtracks. But I had never admitted to myself that I might actually be gay. I immediately denied it and threw myself deeper into the closet. After all, being gay is a choice, right? That’s what I was raised to believe.

Fast-forward another 12 months, and we were saying “I do” in a backyard wedding in Washington State. DESCRIBE YOUR POST-BYU EXPERIENCES: Probably unsurprising, but after a little more than three years of marriage, Jane and I were filing for divorce for “irreconcilable differences.”

The night that I finally come out to Jane in our D.C. studio apartment, I felt like my entire world was crashing down. For the previous two years, I’d been experiencing extreme depression and anxiety, and I’d reached a breaking point.

I’ll never forget her response to me: “It’s okay. I love you just the way you are.”

We ended up divorcing a few short months later, and she eventually moved to New York City. I could finally be who I was and present myself as an out gay man.

While Jane and I were able to move forward (somewhat) amicably, it was a different story for my family. It took two years of counseling and therapy to repair the relationship with my parents. And now I can say we finally have a positive relationship.

After nearly seven years of working in communications for nonprofits, foundations, and government clients, I’ve now moved out of D.C. I’m currently working as a public high school teacher and living in West Virginia with my partner of several years.

I don’t regret my decision to attend BYU. I learned many important life lessons, and more importantly, I learned who I am as a person. ADVICE FOR CURRENT LGBTQ+ BYU STUDENTS:

Follow your heart, and don’t be ashamed to be who you are. Your family will ultimately come around.

Terrell Wyche

BS EXERCISE SCIENCE (’11)

DESCRIBE YOUR BYU EXPERIENCE: It was the last day of my mission in Brazil, and my mission president said, “Elder, there are three things you need to do when you return home. You will need to get a job. You will need to get an education. And you will need to find a wife.” The first two were easy, but that last one caused a lot of anxiety. I went on a mission with the intent to be “cured” or to “overcome” my sexuality. I knew I was gay, but I could not tell anyone about this because of the consequences. I had attended BYU before my mission, and I was so excited to go back. The friends that I had made freshman year had returned, I was ready to continue my education and be the social butterfly again.

Everyone who goes to BYU knows that the discussion of marriage is a very popular topic. As you get into the older wards, it is like the topic of discussion at least once every Sunday. When I got home from my mission, I started dating almost immediately on my journey to find “a wife.” It was fine at first because I had pretended for so long, plus between class, clubs, social events, and church callings, I became really good at suppressing my feelings. My mind began to change about the church when I had heard about Prop 8. I was living south of campus, and there was a flyer on my car. It was to announce a meeting with California residents about Proposition 8. I looked up what Proposition 8 was, and I asked people who attended the meeting what had happened. It was obvious before and after the meeting that the church was not in support of marriage equality. Keep in mind that as a black, very tall student at BYU, I had dealt with microaggressions (purposeful or not) from several students. No, I didn’t play any sports (besides intramurals), and yes, I was there for academics. This, combined with the church’s opinion on Prop 8, started making things a little harder for me. I remember feeling like I was alone and that no one would understand where I was coming from. I also had a testimony of the church, and so I continued to have this cognitive dissonance. I was in several leadership callings, including Elder’s Quorum President, and I just continued to feel the weight of my sexuality coming down on me. I still dated women, but that also presented feelings of guilt.

One day after organic chemistry class, a friend and I were walking home from class. He was dating someone at the time, so I asked him about his girlfriend. That was what guys asked me all the time, so I figured that was the thing to do. When we got to my house, he came out to me. A calm and peaceful feeling came over me. I thought to myself, “Finally, someone like me!” However, I didn’t want to tell him right then that I was gay too because this was his moment to shine. This was his moment to tell me his secret. I didn’t get much sleep that night because I stayed up thinking about what this meant for me. I had so many questions in my head, but a week later, I finally got the courage to tell him. In that conversation, I told him that I would remain active because I still had a testimony. I didn’t know what to do next. I realized that I didn’t have to. I had to take it a day at a time. I read “In Quiet Desperation” and other books but still didn’t know what to do. There was a very small group of us (probably around six or seven) called USGA who met in a classroom together in the Talmage Building every week. This helped me out a lot. It mainly gave me the strength to realize that if there is a God, he loves me for who I am. I had several semesters left at BYU, and so I wanted to make sure that I was following the rules and didn’t get in any trouble. I remember that I would cringe during some of the religion classes. Marriage Prep was one of the most uncomfortable classes that I had taken in a long time. I remember feeling awkward about some of the topics of discussion. The relationship between husband and wife, the role of the Priesthood in that relationship, etc. It just didn’t feel right to me.

Overall, I have no regrets about my time at BYU. I have made lifelong friends, and I found myself. I grew up to be the man that I am today because of my time at BYU. My journey was my own. Everyone’s journey is different and deserves complete validation. Though I’m not active in the church, the culture is forever within me. Memories of the football games and camping out for the basketball games (Jimmer Fredette) are unforgettable. Though I may not agree with the decisions that they (BYU and the church) make, I will always be tied to BYU, and I’m ok with that. Describe your post-BYU experience: I got a job as an Academic Advisor at Utah Valley University two months after I graduated. I was planning on attending medical school but decided to work to take a break from school. I later decided to get a Master’s from the University of Utah in Educational Psychology with an Emphasis in Instructional Design and Educational Technology. That has also motivated me to pursue a Ph.D. I’m currently living in Washington, DC, pursuing my Ph.D. in School Psychology from Howard University. Dating men has been super funny and interesting. I have several awkward (more comical) stories about guys that I have dated over the years. My family is very supportive of me and is excited that I’m closer to home. Advice to a current LGBTQ+ Student: Hang in there! It is hard being a BYU student and part of the LGBTQ+ community, but remember that there is an end in sight. Get connected with organizations that not only support you as a person but also your beliefs. Remember, you are not alone. No matter how cliché that may sound, there are people at BYU who are there to support you. Lastly, LOVE YOURSELF! You are perfect just the way you are, and YOU have to believe that.

Sabina Mendoza

BA EXERCISE SCIENCE (’18)

DESCRIBE YOUR BYU EXPERIENCE My time at BYU is one giant blur of anxiety, confusion, and bright spots of the most real and intense connections I’ll ever have. That is what I’ll remember most from BYU: meeting other queer Mormons and feeling truly seen and understood by others for the first time. I would do it all over again for the opportunity to know those people.

DESCRIBE YOUR EXPERIENCE POST-BYU Going to BYU was like running a marathon I didn’t train for and I am still catching my breath after it. I am so very grateful to be done. I can be anything and anyone I want to be now, and that opportunity is thrilling.

WHAT ADVICE OR WISDOM WOULD YOU SHARE WITH A CURRENT LGBTQ+ BYU STUDENT?

All I know is that this life isn’t worth living if you’re not living as your 100% authentic self. And if someone or something isn’t allowing you to do that, get rid of that poison before it destroys any part of the glorious you. Hold tight to the people that do support the authentic you, and you will survive the hard times. Friends like that, especially at BYU, are worth more than gold.

ARE THERE ANY OTHER THOUGHTS OR EXPERIENCES YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE?

There is nothing more satisfying than holding my diploma because it is proof that I survived when I almost didn’t. It is my proudest accomplishment, not because of the classes or grades, but because it taught me what I am capable of.

Dallin Chen

BS MARKETING (’17)

DESCRIBE YOUR BYU EXPERIENCE My BYU experience was up and down. I had always wanted to go to BYU ever since I joined the Church when I was 15. My mission president also encouraged me to attend one of the BYUs, so I did. I started BYU – Idaho and got my Associate’s degree before attending BYU – Provo. While at BYU – Idaho, I didn’t connect with any other LGBTQ+ students because I was afraid of getting kicked out. After obtaining my Associate’s, I moved to Riverside, Calif., for a job, and that’s when I started dating people and trying to come to terms with my identity as a gay man. A year later, I went back to school at BYU – Provo.

I was good at pretending to be straight, so I did that when I first arrived at BYU. My roommates had no idea that I was gay, especially when I talked about girls from our FHE group. At the same time, I was dying to meet with other LGBTQ+ students. I had always known about USGA, so I went to one of their meetings. People were really friendly, and I felt I finally found my kind of people. However, USGA also felt very disconnected from my “other” BYU experiences. It almost felt like my daily life — classes, interactions with roommates, friends, and school — were represented by one Dallin, while every Thursday night hanging out with USGA people was another version of me. Both Dallins were only partially real. The fact that I wasn’t out to everybody was one reason why it was so hard to be at BYU. I had to compartmentalize my life. I would often hear friends and coworkers at BYU talk about gay people, not knowing that I was actually gay. It was hard not to take what they said personally. I thought, “these are some of my favorite people in life, and that’s what they would think of me if I came out to them?!” So I didn’t tell anybody! I came out to my first BYU (non-USGA) student one night. I was so sad that I just had to talk to someone. This guy was not really active in the church, and I have always found less-active Mormons easiest to come out to. He was very understanding, very supportive, and invited me to hang out the next day. His childhood friends were actually very strong members of the church but were very supportive and understanding, too. My experience at BYU took a turning point at that time.

These are people whom I call family today. We talked about girls for them and guys for me. When I didn’t have a car, they would let me use their car to go on dates. They invited me over for Christmas, and their parents were just as accepting and loving. My two Dallin experiences finally became one, and I was very much myself in front of them. They also gave me the courage to come out to more people. When the movie “Love, Simon” came out, we all went and saw it together. They were the ones who cried in the theater, not me.

My dating life was very limited at BYU. It was already difficult enough to date as a gay man at BYU, but me being brown added another layer of difficulty. In the gay community, it seems like only the white guys deserve a great love story, and BYU is no different. One of my gay friends put it this way: “To me, there are three main groups in Utah. The gays, the Mormons, and the ex-Mormons. All of them claim to be loving and all-accepting. But the Mormons hate ex-Mormons and gays; the ex-Mormons hate the Mormons, and the gays hate Mormons and men of color.” However, I did have a chance to date around, but most of the men I dated were still very religious and filled with guilt. If we were a straight couple, then every step we took would have been blessed by many different people. That lack of support is the biggest challenge for homosexual dating at BYU. DESCRIBE YOUR EXPERIENCES POST-BYU I just graduated from BYU. It feels like I can finally breathe. I no longer have to hide things. My relationship with the LDS church is complicated. I don’t seem to believe in it as “the only true church” anymore since what they have been teaching about the LGBTQ+ community and me is drastically wrong.

I think the greatest thing to know is that, outside of the Mormon bubble, there are a lot of people who support us. It is weirder to be Mormon than it is to be gay, and it’s very important for me to realize what the church teaches about me does not define me. ADVICE TO CURRENT STUDENTS Consider different schools. BYU is a great place to get an education, but one should experience so much more than just getting a good education, and dating is part of it. That said, BYU is still a fantastic place, and many people love you for who you are. Not being able to date openly is sad, but there are other benefits.

Be strong and be brave. You are perfect the way you are!

More alumni stories and further information on the Out Foundation can be fouind on their website at theout.foundation.