DECOLONIZING P@RENTING a zine by & for queer parents of color
DECOLONIZING P@RENTING DECOLONIZING P@RENTING Curated & Edited by Se’mana Thompson & María Teresa Carmier Cover Art by Selena Velasco CONTACT IG: @misssemee & @jungleflower Shop: queerindigenousgirl.etsy.com 2
JUNE 2017 The idea for this zine began last year with conversations at my table at a zine fest with María and other parents of color, sharing our experiences as queer, disabled, chronically ill and single parents, as parents of mixed-race & indigenous children, and as traumatized people raising traumatized children. Decolonizing P@renting isn’t just about parenting – it’s also personal journeys of healing from historical trauma, remembering, grieving, witnessing, storytelling, futurisms, creating and action. To heal ourselves is to heal those who came before and those who come after us. This zine is inspired by the book Revolutionary Mothering: Love on the Front Lines edited by Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Mai’a Williams and China Martens and the zine La Mama Vida: Re-Membering Motherhood by Brenda Montaño. - Se’mana Thompson
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Vic Aguirre Vic Aguirre Esteli Juarez Esteli Juarez Selena Velasco Mona Azaad Silver Shandiin Se’mana Thompson María Teresa Carmier María Teresa Carmier
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Fight or Fight Mommy Issues Hold Them Please Seeds of Resilience farzand Indigedoll Behavioral Health Services & My Family’s Healing Path Untitled Breasts
The only time I’ve ever felt real fear is when it comes to you. Fear the moment you were born when I began to bleed out. The nurses said I was dying and all I could think was needing to get back to you.
JUNE 2017
Fight or Fight by Vic Aguirre/@muchovic
You gave me reason to continue. Fear. When you fell off a bench at 2 years old & had to get stitches on the inside of your mouth. What it means to be a mother. If you hurt, I hurt. I never wanna see you bleed. Fear. When a mentally ill, perverted man tried to rip you from my arms on public transit & I thought I would have to do the unthinkable to protect you. Fear. When I got targeted, followed and consistently harassed in the neighborhood by the SFPD for takin a stand against police violence. Not knowing if I was gonna make it home to you in every instance. Fear. When I stayed up till 2 in the morning reading over the loooooong ass list of the fuckery the Trump administration started rolling out as you slept next to me & I considered what your future would look like. Fear because I know that I am more afraid of what will happen if i don’t pick up and fight back than the fear I have around the changes happening. Fear because I know…war is coming. Unrest is here. The revolutions begun. Fear because I’m not afraid to act. Fear because I know my own power. Fear because I know I would stop at nothing to protect you. The future is ours. I’ll make sure of it…for you.
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Mommy Issues by Vic Aguirre/@muchovic I thought when I gave birth to my daughter that I would understand my mother and the way she went about the challenges she faced raising me. I can hear her now. No vas entender lo que es ser madre hasta que tengas hijos. The reality is, now that I’ve been a parent four years, I understand her even less. I was the second-born in a family of four children, as a blessing & a curse, was also the only “girl.” Growin’ up with a vagina with parents who were Catholic traditional inmigrantes de Mexico to this country was almost like being under a dictatorship. Toxic masculinity & patriarchy was a thing before I even knew what it was called. Gender roles were reinforced. Body shaming was common. My mom told me when I started kindergarten what my private parts were and every day since then she reminded me that I should never show myself to anyone except a doctor when she was present. Era un pecado, she said. She repeated my grandfather’s words to me often: el culo y el dinero nunca se deben de ensenar; and recanted my grandmother’s wisdom: el honor de la famila esta debajo de las faldas de las mujeres. I was engrained with the belief that sex was a sin, pleasure was a sin, my body was an object of sin and fear that men were monsters who only wanted one thing from me and my job ‘til I got married was not to fuck up the family name by falling for it. I was the only girl. They put me on a pedestal because of it. Pops called me his nina fresa. That is, before I fucked up the family name anyways. @ 13 my parents put two and two together when I started hangin tough with a homegirl from the ‘hood. I’d spend the night, sneak out to see her. But tryna cover up hickeys in the middle of summer is what caused them to drag me out the closet and try to beat the queer outta me. Los jotos no nacen se hacen, they’d say. Pues quien me hizo? Ustedes, que no? They hated the fact the kid they produced was queer as fuck. Despite that beat down and the many to come, I stayed true to who I was. But the PTSD & anxiety my experiences brought me caused me to develop an alcoholism that gave way to angry outbursts, violence that got me kicked outta public school and blackouts that caused me to be the victim of sexual assault @ 15 which my parents blamed me for. El honor de la familia esta debajo de las faldas de las mujeres. I never wore skirts or anything revealing that could cause me to be lusted for. I never showed myself to anyone besides my girlfriend. I was a virgin before I was raped.
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I’ll never forget how my mom separated kitchenware specifically for me because I was “dirty” and wouldn’t let me eat at the table with the rest of my family because I had shamed them. Tired of the emotional abuse, I made an attempt on my life. After the 5150, I was diagnosed with PTSD, general anxiety disorder & clinical depression. I’ve been in & out of therapy, trying out different mood stabilizing medications ever since in a lifelong battle to make sense of my life, my relationship to my parents, tryna learn how my mental illness works & how to cope with the symptoms on top of trying to figure out how to navigate the world as a queer non-binary first-generation Xicanx from the ‘hood.
JUNE 2017
PUTA! SUCIA! Asi que te dejas cojer de quien sea, hombre o mujer. ME DAS ASCO!
The plot thickened at 21 when, after a brief break from my longest committed relationship, I slipped on my sobriety & slept with a white boy from outta state who got me pregnant. I planned to have an abortion. At six weeks along I had my first panic attack during pregnancy. Sometimes my episodes made me act erratically. I reached out to my mom for the first time in three years. Maybe it was the flood of hormones but for some reason I felt like I needed to speak to her. I caught her up to speed & told her about the scheduled abortion. She cried; with tears in her eyes she told me that she always wanted grandchildren from me - los hijos de mis hijos quisas seran mis nietos pero los hijos de mi hija por seguro son mi sangre. Between her and much prayer I decided to keep the baby & move back into my parents’ home to save money. I kept in mind that if my little peanut turned out to be a girl, my parents might try to impose on her what they couldn’t fulfill with me. Two months into my pregnancy my ex called wanting to work things out. I told her what was going on. We talked about having kids before we broke up so after giving her time to process and ride the roller coaster of emotions of this confession, she decided she was down. Despite our differences we worked it out. She signed the birth certificate in the hospital the day of my delivery and later went on to pursue legal second parent status. My parents begged me to reconsider. Of course I ignored. We moved in together. I was finally building my own little family; a place where I could finally belong. I went forward with my life trying to maintain a relationship with my folks for the sake of my kid but often I would hold my daughter while she slept and pondered how my mom could have ever felt this kind of joy towards me and then treat me so horribly. I couldn’t comprehend.
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Then, around the time my daughter was two, my life began to decompose in a way that made me see the way my childhood trauma was affecting my relationship and ability to parent. My relationship was falling apart and I was living in a rapidly gentrifying city in a rent-controlled apartment with my co-parent, her sister and my daughter. I hated my job serving coffee to pigs who were killing innocent people in my community with impunity. I couldn’t quit, but even so I couldn’t afford to move out. These were the triggers. The cycle began again. Pressure. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Angry outbursts. Arguments daily. Alcohol. But this time more intense. I couldn’t cope. I went back to therapy but it was too late. My daughter saw it all go down. Every episode, every argument with her other momma, every time I blacked out from anger & broke shit. I knew despite my efforts to prevent it, I had already begun to pass on some intergenerational trauma. Abusive relationships & mental illness were never spoken about when I was growing up. They were the elephant in the room. Now I was the elephant. One thing my mom did teach me was sayings from the homeland. The one I liked the best: Yo no me quedo con las manos cruzadas. Siempre pa’lante. So forward I go. These past two years a lot has happened. My daughter & I moved out of the apartment. I’m back on my meds. I see a therapist regularly to continuously unpack & deconstruct the toxicity I grew up with. Parenting classes to help me better understand & meet my seed’s needs. Co-parenting mediations to meet our mutual goal of coming to agreements so as to not involve the system in deciding our family’s future. Anger management classes. Self-care rituals. Firm boundaries with my parents & their role as grandparents. I started doing the work to heal. To be a better me so I could be a better parent. Some days I wanna let the weight of my intersectional struggles crush me. Some days my anxiety tries to sabotage my parental responsibilities and cripples my confidence. Sometimes my depression gets the best of me and almost convinces me to give up. But then I see my daughter sleeping next to me and think of all the shit I’ve been through for us both to be here today and I can’t quit. So while I understand my mom less for how she raised me, I can feel her on one thing: I finally know what it means to be a mother now that I have one of my own. It means to have your heart outside of yourself. To take a hard look at yourself daily. To constantly forgive your past and yourself for your shortcomings and that you will always do whatever’s necessary to make sure your child is okay - emotionally, spiritually, physically & mentally and the best way to do it is to start with making sure I AM OKAY by honoring all my flaws despite what the doctors say and learning to hold myself with kindness so that together, this child & I can make magic that heals many generations. Asi que pa’lante!
Mothers hold your sons tonight
JUNE 2017
Hold Them by Esteli Juarez/@mujerrebelde
Mothers of color and mothers of boys of color Hold your sons tonight Hold them like the war is happening outside your door and his number has been called Hold him like the water has risen and you are the only two left and that current, that current, keeps getting stronger Mothers Hold that boy like it’s his first day of school And you are just as nervous as he is Hold him like it’s his wedding day And you’re about to send him down that aisle To begin his own life With his own partner In his own way And you couldn’t be more proud that you helped get him this far Hold him like it’s his college graduation He just gave you the tassel off his cap And then he thanked you And you will remember that moment as long as you live Hold him like it’s the first time you’re seeing him Like its the first time you met And your heart just swelled so much you can feel it in your throat And you can’t stop crying tears of joy as you hold him so close to you Hold him for all the memories you have And all the ones you have yet to make Hold him like he said his first word
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Or gave his first kiss Or is going to his first dance Hold him like he had his heart broken Or his arm Hold that boy like you may never see him again Hold him for Trayvon’s mother And all the hugs she won’t ever give For all the memories she won’t ever have You hold those little boys like they have targets on their backs because they do, except they can’t take them off because it’s their skin it’s their hair it’s their culture Hold them so that they know Not only did you give them life But they give you life too Please, Mothers, hold them.
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Please do not tell me my sons are cute How well behaved or intelligent they are Please do not express your desire to kiss Or hold them
JUNE 2017
Please by Esteli Juarez/@mujerrebelde
Please do not jest about how adorable they are Because I can’t take it anymore Half-hearted compliments Soon to be retracted Once they hit 16 6’1 200 lbs Once they question your authority Once they tell you to call them Chicanos Or say, “black is beautiful” Or quote Amiri Baraka Malcolm X Desmond Tutu Emiliano Zapata They listened to “Fuck Tha Police” for the first time yesterday We haven’t talked about Michael Brown yet Trayvon was too much for Eli to handle
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I don’t yet have the courage to break their hearts I am not yet ready For them to realize their mortality so soon These are things I have always worried about Held close to my heart But they They are children But as a brother of mine recently pointed out This country gives them manhood much sooner than white boys And Eli, at 9 years old Is already a threat to every authority figure he comes in to contact with And we are dangerous combination He and I Driving administrators Teachers Social workers To their very limits with our boundary pushing So, how long until a run in with the police How long before I have to teach him that his beautiful rebel spirit That is so nurtured in this home Must be stifled For an insecure asshole With a badge and a gun
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Stop saying how cute they are When you see their photos
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So please
Read updates about them Tell me how you’ll meditate on peace, power, and progress Tell me how you’ll organize Tell me how you’ll march Demand change Use your vote Light your candles Make an impact on this world On this nation That will change their odds I can see their faces I see myself in them I know they are pleasing to the eye Now, help me ensure they will never have these fears for their sons Help me ensure they will reach an age where they too can have sons Flattery and compliments hold no value Black lives do
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Seeds of Resilience by Selena Velasco/@tendervirgo
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farzand by Mona Azaad/@dehati666
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Indigedoll by Silver Shandiin/@indigedoll
Ta’neeszahnii nishli. Todich’ii’nii bashishchiin. To aheedliinii dashicheii. Tl’izi Lani dashinali. Yá’át’ééh shik’is! I have always been a creative person. I use my creativity for the benefit of children. I am a sewing teacher for an after school program and I enjoy seeing kids accomplish things they never knew they could do. Seeing a child create something and being able to guide them is an honor. I originally made these indigenous dolls for my daughter who was under a lot of stress about this years presidential elections. Under this new administration, I brainstormed ways to make my daughter feel empowered, so I made her a protector doll. The protector doll, I told her was a strong and empowered girl who has the determination to fight for what is right. Through pretend play, my daughter is now strong and confident about her future.
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Behavioral Health Services & My Family’s Healing Path by Se’mana Thompson/@misssemee
I have over 25 years of experience being in the behavioral health system and it’s been hell. I can’t say it enough: if I had the help and services my children are receiving right now, I might not be in the mental health state I’m in. So many years of inadequate (and absence of ) services has severely impacted my life. However, with this experience, I can fight for my children to have access to adequate, competent and culturally safe services. To gain an understanding of my family’s background and the importance of behavioral health services to us: my family consists of my mother (Diné & Hopi), myself (Akimel Otham, Diné & Hopi) and my two children (8 & 10 years old and Akimel Otham, Diné, Hopi & Black); we live in an urban area; we do not have an extensive family and friend support system; I raised my children by myself without any support system until they were 4 & 6 years old when my mother moved in with us; I am mentally ill and have been since I was a child and I have multiple chronic illnesses and disabilities; my mother is 63 years old and chronically ill and has been more than half of her life, she also provides the only source of income in our family, has a salaried job and works at least six days a week so we don’t see her much; and my children have undiagnosed neurological behavioral disorders and my oldest has diagnosed anxiety as well as experiences chronic pain since he was seven.
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This piece focuses more so on behavioral health services and my family’s service plan than it does on culture and holistic healing. Behavioral health systems are so tough to navigate, especially as marginalized peoples. There’s so much to think about: insurance & payments, affordability, accessibility, cultural & LGBTQ2S+ safety concerns, types of therapy and the list goes on. This piece is by no means comprehensive and is based on my own knowledge and understanding of how the behavioral health system works in my area (south central Arizona). ** DEFINITIONS Behavioral health professional: a psychiatrist, psychologist, physician, or registered nurse practitioner. Case Manager: communicates with medical and mental health providers, acts as an advocate, coordinates care between agencies, and locates resources for their client. Child and family team (CFT): a defined group of people that includes, at a minimum, the child and his/her family, a behavioral health representative, and any individuals important in the child’s life and who are identified and invited to participate by the child and family. Cultural awareness: the acknowledgement of difference. Cultural sensitivity: the recognition of the importance of respecting difference. Cultural competency: describes the skills, knowledge and attitudes in practice. Cultural safety: a concept applied in an indigenous setting, defined by those who receive the services and based on respectful engagement that can help find paths to well-being. Service plan: a complete written description of all covered behavioral health services and other informal supports that have been identified through the assessment process that will assist the person to meet their specified goals. SBHS: the behavioral health system contracted with my tribal community and the provider of my family’s services. Therapeutic Programming/Therapeutic Recreation: a process that utilizes activities and recreation to meet physical, mental, and recovery needs.
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THINKING ABOUT BEHAVIORAL HEALTH SERVICES Types of services Behavioral health systems provide a number of services in which you may be interested in all or only one of the services provided including: assessment evaluation, case management, psychiatric services, therapeutic programming, mentors/peer support, day programs, and/or intensive school programs. Referrals You can ask friends and family for referrals or, like me, you can also receive a referral from your primary care physician or another behavioral health system. I received a referral to SBHS from my community behavioral health system. Insurance/Payment If you have insurance, behavioral health services (BHS) are usually covered. BHS is also covered by Medicaid (at least in my state). If you don’t have insurance or Medicaid, some places accept sliding scale fees. In the past, when I didn’t have insurance, I received BHS only paying $10 per therapy session + received a monthly supply of samples of anti-depressants. There are also places that provide free therapy for certain marginalized populations. Cultural/ LGBTQ2S+ safety Many times behavioral health professionals re-enforce racism and oppression in therapeutic spaces. This can happen at in-take, with case management, within therapy, as well as in therapeutic recreation and mentoring/peer support. In my experience, I’ve had to look beyond only asking questions about therapists, their credentials, experience and background; experience has shown me that I need to ask similar questions about case management, mentoring and other BHS programming. Some things to think about: • Does the behavioral health staff simply display cultural awareness & sensitivity or do they practice cultural competency & safety? There is huge gap between acknowledging & respecting cultural difference and actually knowing cultural ways of living are important to survival and health involves a holistic approach. • Is the behavioral health staff aware of their privilege, the ways in which they contribute to re-enforcing racism & oppression and do they have an understanding of history (of your community) and white supremacy?
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Having this awareness and understanding lessens the likelihood they will further oppress their clients. • Do they have experience working with disabled, immigrant/migrant, refugee, and other marginalized populations? • Do they make their services and location accessible and accommodating for disabled people? • Do they have queer clients who are people of color? Are any of the staff queer? Does their professional focus include (but not limited to) gender identity and intersectionality? Do they have credentials that include memberships to LGBTQ2S+ organizations & associations? Types of therapy There are many types of therapy. Some I have tried: eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Other types of therapy include art therapy, play therapy for kids, family therapy, couples therapy, somatic therapy and the list goes on. Therapy can be directive or non-directive, client-centered and take many approaches. There are also therapies that focus on the body more so than talking, like trauma sensitive/trauma informed yoga which I have tried and would like to try again. You might try a few types of therapy before you find the one that works. Or, maybe therapy just isn’t for you which is okay. HOLISTIC HEALING Alternative therapies Alternative therapies can include: massage, acupuncture, yoga, energy & body work, and herbalism. Self healing Self healing can include: tarot, prayer, singing, crystal work, reiki, yoga, art, ceremony, movement, sleep, drinking tea, and using herbs. There are many ways of self healing. MY FAMILY’S SERVICE PLAN 1. Case Management: Our case managers from our community’s BHS coordinate care with SBHS including scheduling CFT meetings and transportation to/from therapeutic programming, scheduling any other BHS-related appointments, locating resources, and advocating for us as individuals and as a family. My children share a case manager both at our community’s BHS (who is Diné) and with SBHS. I also have a case manager at each agency. SBHS primary responsibility is to ensure their mentors, therapeutic programming staff and therapists are helping us to meet our treatment goals.
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2. Therapy: My children started out seeing a therapist, a man of color, once a week (he’d visit them at school) and we would meet as a family at our home in the summer; therapy included talk and art therapy. Later, he provided trauma therapy to them. Overall, they were in therapy for at least six months. For a short while I received home-based therapy with a woman of color therapist. Although it’s no longer what I need, in-home counseling is always available should I choose to begin again. Soon, my oldest child, 10, will begin weekly therapy at home. 3. Therapeutic Programming/Therapeutic Recreation: My children are involved in boxing, basketball and occasionally horseback riding. My oldest child is part of a therapeutic boxing program twice on weekdays. The program helps him with self-esteem, leadership, respect, sportsmanship and health. My youngest child, 8, is part of a therapeutic basketball program on Saturdays. There, he has shown progress in enhancement of physical, cognitive, emotional and social development. Horseback riding is located at the equestrian center within our tribal community and incorporates cultural teachings and activities. Soon they will start attending once a month the therapeutic weekend program which provides respite services for families and helps my children with learning coping and living skills. 4. Mentoring/peer support: My children share a mentor, a man of color, who they meet with every Sunday to do a variety of activities including visiting museums, the trampoline center, swimming, and playing at the park; on occasion he takes them horseback riding. Their mentor is a positive role model who not only provides my children emotional support and helps them to meet their treatment goals but also teaches them about Black history & culture. Soon I will have a mentor/peer support that will come into my home to assist me with cleaning, organizing, social skills and other tasks I may need help with. 5. CFT (child and family team): Every 1-2 months my children, my mom and I meet with their case manager and mentor to talk about their treatment goals. My healing path also includes meditation, yogic poses, prayer, traditional singing, art, lighting candles, and occasionally acupuncture & massage. For my children, their healing path includes building with Legos, making comics, art & zines, and taking baths. Healing is different for everybody. It’s also a process; you may feel like you’re getting somewhere, moving forward, only to come to a point you feel you’re taking several steps back. Take your time. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself. Honor yourself. You deserve to heal. Healing yourself heals those who come before you and those who come after you – your ancestors, your children and their children.
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** My children & I have AHCCCS (Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System), which is Arizona’s Medicaid Agency, American Indian Health Plan and receive behavioral health services from our tribal community’s behavioral health system as well as from SBHS which is an agency our tribe contracts with. From these systems we receive case management, in-home therapy, mentoring/ peer support (in-home for myself ), therapeutic programming, and transportation to/from related BHS activities & appointments.
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Much love & respect. Sape. (It’s good.)
RESOURCES 1. Velasco, S. About Therapy: My Journey of Healing, Finding a Therapist Reflections. 2017. 2. Intro to Therapy: A Beginner’s Guide to the World of Professional Mental Healthcare. intrototherapyzine.tumblr.com 3. Inuit Tuttarvingat of the National Aboriginal Health Organization. Cultural Safety and Knowledge Sharing: Work on Mental Wellness at Inuit Tuttarvingat, NAHO. 2009. naho.ca/documents/it/2009_Cultural_Safety_Knowledge_poster.pdf 4. Mena, D. Esperanza Counseling & Consulting, LLC. Anti-Racist Healer page. esperanzacc.com/anti-racist-healer/
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Untitled by MarĂa Teresa Carmier/@jungleflower
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Breasts by MarĂa Teresa Carmier/@jungleflower
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CONTRIBUTORS
VIC AGUIRRE (they/them) is a Trans/Masculine of center life-giver to now-4-year-old Iliana Estela. They currently reside in San Francisco working part-time as an independent contractor for Massage Therapy specializing in providing access to wellness for the QTWPOC communities. Vic is also a grassroots activist and Co-Director of the Oakland-based social justice non-profit, Hip Hop For Change. “I believe our children are gifts from the ancestors to help heal our communities. For me, being a parent is the most revolutionary role I can take in the movement.� ESTELI JUAREZ is a Xicana from the Rio Grande Valley. She is a mother, lawyer and artist. Esteli has spent 15 years mothering both her children and other children, parenting from a decolonized persepective. Decolonized parenting provides greater liberation for both parents and children. SELENA VELASCO is a Chamoru mother to a beautiful brown child. She is a visual artist, poet, organizer and queer tender loving Virgo. She creates art to transform healing and honor her ancestry through poetry, collage and graphic design. MONA AZAAD is the bozorg of the Azaad qabileh, displaced multiple times - from unknown lands to Kurdistan and from Kurdistan to Tehran currently living in occupied Nisenan territory. They are a proud queer mom of a 2-year-old and support global decolonization and black power. SILVER SHANDIIN is an Indigenous mother originally from Monument Valley, Utah but spent the majority of her life in New Mexico. She currently resides in Las Vegas, NV.
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SE’MANA THOMPSON (she/they) is of the Red House People (mother’s clan) and born for the White People (father’s clan). Their maternal grandfather’s clan is the Hopi People and their paternal grandfather’s clan is the Flat Foot People (Pima aka Akimel O’Otham). They are enrolled with the Gila River Indian Community (Akimel O’Otham and Pee Posh peoples) and identify culturally as Akimel Otham. Se’mana is the creator & editor of the zine queer indigenous girl and the editor of their children’s zine Black Indigenous Boy. They are a queer femme, nonbinary, disabled, chronically ill & neurodivergent artist and mother of two babes (8 & 10).
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EDITORS
MARIA TERESA CARMIER is a Queer Indigenous Bruja Artist Mama from Los Angeles, California, of African american, Mexica, Mikmaq & Choctaw decent and currently studying Fine Art at Mount Saint Mary’s University-Los Angeles.
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