The Dictionary of Posh

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an imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd Wykey House, Wykey, Shrewsbury SY4 1JA Tel: 01939 261616 Email: info@quillerbooks.com www.quillerpublishing.com

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POSH!

HUGH KELLETT

Oliver Preston draws regular cartoons for The Field magazine, and his cartoons have been published in The Times, the Guardian, The Independent, The Spectator, Punch magazine and the Beano and Dandy. He has also produced eighteen books of his cartoons. He is the current chairman of The Cartoon Museum in London

This book will help teach you the art of speaking

The DICTIONARYof POSH

Hugh Kellett studied languages at Oxford and has been playing around with words in London advertising agencies for most of his life. The humorous potential of the English language, this mishmash of the tongues of our invaders, its crazy spellings, rich nuances and punny possibilities have become his abiding passion.

In The Dictionary of Posh Hugh turns his wordsmithery to the English language itself – and more precisely the revelation and preservation of a rather exclusive version of it, Posh.

H

idden within normal English is a separate language still spoken by those born with silver spoons in their mouths. It’s called Posh. A word of English can be spelt the same but mean something completely different in Posh. If you say the word ‘Mention’ in English, people will understand ‘Remark upon’; but in Posh this means a large house. Say ‘Ace’ and speakers of Posh will think you are referring to a cold thing one’s butler puts in a G&T. Hugh Kellett hilariously captures the spirit and nuances of those who speak Posh and, allied with Oliver Preston’s brilliantly accurate cartoons, this book is the key to understanding and interpreting this language – literally with tongue-in-cheek.

HUGH KELLETT Illustrations by OLIVER PRESTON

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Incorporating the Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family

HUGH KELLETT Illustrations by OLIVER PRESTON

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Introduction to The Dictionary of Posh: Incorporating the Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family

E

stuary English is a powerful thing. In a few short years it has pretty well managed to drive from our shores the old cut-glass enunciation of English so beloved of royalty, antique BBC presenters and 50’s films stars.

The good news is that the old tongue is still there, just, hanging on.

The Dictionary of Posh: Incorporating the Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family serves as an essential guide to the (ab)use of many English words by the decidedly up-market, and the resultant – and endangered – language they speak: Posh.

Now you can learn Posh too (or polish it up if you’re a native speaker) and be part of its preservation!

The book comes in the form of a dictionary, each word listed being genuine English and of familiar spelling to the average reader. But when translated into Posh these words take on very different meanings, often with side-splitting consequences, so learning Posh is really marvellous fun.

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To assist the learner in rapid mastery of the language, and to ensure correct understanding and future usage, helpful examples of the various words in the dictionary are given in context, and students will be talking Posh in no TAME at all. Improvement in social standing and employment prospects will normally follow quite speedily.

These helpful examples are revealed through the dictionary in The Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family, the sorry saga of the lives of the extended family of Viscount Pails-Hurtingseaux, whose story of riches, ruin and redemption this book really is.

Thus, it may not be too lofty a premiss to claim that this volume constitutes a lexiconic novel; and it may equally safely be said, dear reader, that this particular genre has never before been attempted.

Acknowledgement I am indebted to Keith Hancock of Falmouth for the initial stimulation for this tome and for his contribution of the word EARS, which, being translated into Posh, means ‘yes’. Try it.

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Copyright Š Hugh Kellett (text) 2019 Copyright Š Oliver Preston (illustrations) 2019 First published in the UK in 2019 by Quiller, an imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978-1-84689-304-9 The right of Hugh Kellett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patent Act 1988 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission from the Publisher in writing.

Designed by Guy Callaby Printed in China

Quiller

An imprint of Quiller Publishing Ltd Wykey House, Wykey, Shrewsbury SY4 1JA Tel: 01939 261616 Fax: 01939 261606 E-mail: info@quillerbooks.com Website: www.quillerpublishing.com

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The Setting for the Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family The Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family, the story that runs through this dictionary, is set mainly in Hurtingseaux Castle, a crumbly Norman keep, seat of the current Viscount, Lord Pails-Hurtingseaux. Other locations are the fashionable venues and seasonal watering holes of the well-heeled, mainly in London and the Home Counties.

The Main Cast Lord Pails-Hurtingseaux Viscount and owner of Hurtingseaux Castle Lady Pails-Hurtingseaux His lady wife Rupert Priscilla

Their offspring

Mr Harry Flesh-Herries Lady P-H’s brother Mrs Daphne Flesh-Herries His wife Godfrey Bunty

Their offspring

Archie MacSporranhead Spraint Mrs Sloppetty Snitcher Poppy Inspector Moleskin

A distant relative of Lord P-H Lord P-H’s butler The cook The tenant farmer, gamekeeper and odd job man Lady P-H’s lady’s maid The local constabulary

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Lord Lady Pails-Hurtingseaux Pails-Hurtingseaux

Rupert

Archie MacSporranhead

Priscilla

Spraint

Mrs Sloppetty

Mr Harry Flesh-Herries

Mrs Daphne Flesh-Herries

Godfrey

Bunty

Snitcher

Poppy

Inspector Moleskin

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The Dictionary of Posh: Incorporating the Fall and Rise of the Pails-Hurtingseaux Family NOTE: to simplify learning, each word of Posh is introduced individually in alphabetical order; after its introduction it is then CAPITALISED and replaces the conventional English word in the ensuing pages, so familiarity with the language builds at a gradual pace, and by the end total fluency will be achieved.

The student reader is encouraged to find a private place and pronounce the words of Posh out loud, perhaps in front of a mirror.

It is good form in this respect for gentlemen students to enunciate Posh with their mouths held as tightly shut as possible and talk, with a slightly pained look, through their teeth (see HRH Prince Charles for correct style and nuancing of diction). For ladies, a more openmouthed braying technique is to be encouraged, which adds considerable tone and authenticity to the end result.

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A

A

Example: Bunty, the daughter of Harry and Daphne Flesh-Herries, returned from hunting and jumped straight into her bed whose duvet was made of the finest ADA down (See also BARD, DARK, GRICE, ISLE, PALAVER, SNAPE, SWORN)

ACE: (Noun) Meaning: The state attained by water at 0 degrees centigrade Example: The whole family had gathered in the great hall of Hurtingseaux Castle and Lady Pails-Hurtingseaux told Spraint the butler, and not for the first time, that she desired four cubes of ACE in her lunchtime G&T

AERO*: (Noun) Meaning: A projectile Example: Lord PailsHurtingseaux was asking himself what exactly was meant by the expression “slings and AEROS of outrageous fortune”

ACORN: (Noun) Meaning: In technology, a graphic representation Example: Rupert, Lord Pails-Hurtingseaux’s son and heir, had grappled for years with his new-fangled lap top but could not understand what this particular desktop ACORN meant

AIDS: (Noun) Meaning: A date in March unlucky for Julius Caesar Example: Rupert could remember his latin teacher batting on about the AIDS of March but had no idea at all what he meant

ADA: (Noun) Meaning: A sea bird whose plumage is much revered for its softness

* The slightly Germanic pronunciation, for instance of Aero for Arrow in Posh, raises the intriguing possibility of what might be coined an aristocratic hangover from the Hanoverian reign, with English courtiers of that period perhaps mimicking the king’s German umlauted ä. There is precedence for this: the ingratiating Spanish did something similar when aping the lisp of one of their earlier kings, and still do to this day when ordering a cerveza.

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AIL: (Noun) Meaning 1: A piece of land surrounded by water Example: The whole family agreed that the only saving grace of the AIL of Wight was Cowes week

Example: “AIR!” exclaimed Priscilla , the P-H’s daughter, on being told that Daphne F-H, her rather loud aunt (on her mother’s side) had already been accepted as a member of the Royal Yacht Squadron

Meaning 2: The walkway in the middle of a church Example: Lord P-H was sadly not convinced that Rupert would ever walk down the AIL

AIR: (Noun) Meaning: An organ Example: Harry F-H, Lady P-H’s brother, thought it essential to always keep an AIR to the ground

AIL: (Verb) Meaning: I will Example: “Well AIL be blowed!” said Lord P-H on hearing from Spraint that the stock market had got a little volatile

AIR MAIL: (Noun) Meaning: A consumer loyalty award Example: Daphne F-H, Lady P-H’s sister-in-law, said only very common people would ever think of actually using their AIR MAILS

AIM: (Verb) Meaning: I exist Example: “AIM really feeling a little under the weather today,” said Lady P-H to her maid Poppy

ALLIANCE: (Noun) Meaning: A regular amount of money paid into one’s bank Example: Not for the first time, Lord P-H was wondering if he could afford to continue paying Rupert’s rather hefty monthly ALLIANCE

AIR: (Exclamation) Meaning: An expression of surprise or mild shock

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A

ASHLEY: (Adverb) Meaning: In fact Example: Priscilla’s fav film was Love ASHLEY

ANY: (Proper noun, name) Meaning: Girl’s name as in Oakley ARDOUR: (Noun) Meaning: Part of a cow’s milk producing apparatus Example: Rupert was saying that Snitcher (the tenant farmer) was rubbing a cow’s ARDOUR in a most peculiar way (See also CAR, MEMORIES)

AUDLEY: (Adverb) Meaning: Strangely Example: Bunty was thinking that her cousin Rupert had begun to behave really rather AUDLEY whenever she turned up at Hurtingseaux in her bodyhugging riding gear (See also ORDERLY)

ARE: (Noun) Meaning: Sixty minutes

AUKS: (Noun) Meaning: A large bovine creature Example: Rupert had asked Mrs Sloppetty the cook to prepare nice AUKS tongue sandwiches for next Saturday’s shoot

ARSE: (Pronoun) Meaning: A reference to more than one person as the object of a verb or preposition Example: “Forgive ARSE our trespasses…”

AVIARY: (Noun) Meaning: Tusk material Example: Lord P-H had a world class display of AVIARY in the Great Hall of the castle

ARTILY: (Adverb) Meaning: Totally Example: Lady P-H was ARTILY convinced that it was the influx of unwashed Europeans that had brought on her latest illness

AWFUL: (Noun) Meaning: Edible animal innards

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Example: Priscilla watched Mrs Sloppetty who was busily picking over her weekly supply of AWFUL

AWN: (Preposition) Meaning: Above Example: Rupert was lying AWN his bed reading the Beano

B BABEL*: (Noun) Meaning: A holy book Example: Lady P-H always set the dogs AWN those ghastly Jehovah’s Witnesses and other BABEL bashers

BAHT: (Noun) Meaning: A posterior Example: Harry F-H had always much admired Poppy’s BAHT (See also BALM, BOUGHT)

BAIL: (Noun) Meaning: A black bodily fluid Example: Lady P-H put her sombre mood that day down to a problem with her BAIL duct

BAIRN: (Verb) Meaning: To outlaw Example: Lady P-H thought it would be best to BAIRN all foreigners, particularly if they couldn’t speak English (See also BEN)

BAIT: (Noun) Meaning: A rapid meal Example: The whole party slipped out of the Chelsea Flower Show for a quick BAIT and a bottle of champers

BAKE: (Noun) Meaning: A form of twowheeled transport Example: Rupert had always

* The main phonetical characteristic of Posh is the transposition of one vowel sound for another (see Appendix).

A particularly significant instance of this is in the substitution of ‘i’ for ‘a’ - for example Spice is pronounced Space in Posh. This produces the ultimate distinction in that it is exactly the inverse of Posh’s arch enemy, the dreaded Cockney, wherein Space becomes Spice.

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fancied his cousin Bunty but acknowledged she might ASHLEY be a bit of a BAKE

garden sniffing the rose BARDS and writing a short poem to them

B

BARED: (Noun) Meaning: A sleeping place Example: It was midday and Rupert was thinking it was possibly time to get out of BARED (See also SEC)

BALM: (Noun) Meaning: A posterior Example: Bunty was looking over her shoulder in the mirror and wondered if her new jodhpurs made her BALM look too big (See also BOUGHT) BARBEL: (Noun) Meaning: A tiny pocket of air in a liquid Example: Bunty was always particularly frisky after a nice chilled bottle of BARBELS BARD: (Noun) Meaning 1: A flying target Example: Lord P-H was asking Snitcher how many BARDS were being put down this year (See also DARK, GRICE, ISLE, PALAVER, SNAPE, SWORN)

It was midday and Rupert was thinking it was possibly time to get out of BARED

Meaning 2: The early stage of a flower Example: Priscilla was in the

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BARELY: (Noun) Meaning: An abdominal protrusion Example: Godfrey, Harry F-H's sporty son, was inspecting his figure in the mirror and grumbling to himself about the arrival of a detectable beer BARELY

BARN: (Noun) Meaning: A small loaf (See also BEAGLE, BEGET, SCORN) BARNEY: (Noun) Meaning: A small animal with big AIRS Example: Priscilla just adored playing with her BARNEY (See also RAREBIT)

BARK: (Noun) Meaning: Responsibility Example: Harry F-H was in absolutely no doubt that the BARK stopped with other people

BART: (Conjunction) Meaning: Then again, alternatively Example: Bunty liked Moët BART loved Bolly, which had more BARBELS

BARKER: (Noun) Meaning: An item of headgear Example: Lady P-H abominated all foreigners, particularly Arabs, and especially those in BARKERS

BARTER: (Noun) Meaning: A spread made of churned cream Example: People always said that BARTER wouldn’t melt in Poppy’s mouth

BARKS: (Proper noun, place name) Meaning: A county north of London, home to High Wycombe and Milton Keynes.

Never to be confused with Berks

BARTON: (Noun) Meaning: A fastening device Example: Rupert could never have been accused of having his finger AWN the BARTON (See also PAUPER)

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BARTOK: (Noun) Meaning: Half of a BALM Example: Harry F-H accidentally brushed his hand against Poppy’s left BARTOK

BATH: (Noun) Meaning: The process of coming into this world Example: Lord P-H was philosophical enough to recognise that his wealth was really all down to an accident of BATH

BASIN: (Noun) Meaning: A big shaggy bovine Example: Lord P-H had once nearly been shat AWN by a BASIN when visiting his cousin at Longleat

B

BAUBLE: (Noun) Meaning: A pompom Example: Priscilla’s new grunge look involved her wearing a woolly hat with a BAUBLE AWN the top

Harry F-H accidentally brushed his hand against Poppy’s left BARTOK

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Appendix A Simple Guide to Posh phonetics The ‘a’ as in BAN becomes the ‘e’ as in BEN The ‘a’ as in BAN can become the ‘air’ as in BAIRN The ‘e’ as in SHED can become the ‘are’ as in SHARED The ‘ear’ as in REAR becomes the ‘are’ as in RARE The ‘i’ as in TILE becomes the ‘ai’ as in TAIL (In Scottish only) The ‘i’ as in KILT becomes the ‘u’ as in CULT The ‘ia’ as in DIAL can become the ‘ah’ as in DAHL The ‘ire’ as in FIRE becomes the ‘ar’ as in FAR The ‘o’ as in COD becomes the ‘or’ as in CHORD The ‘ou’ as in LOUD can become the ‘ar’ as in LARD The ‘ow’ as in TOWEL becomes the ‘i’ as in TILE The ‘ow’ as in SHOWER becomes the ‘ah’ as in SHAH The ‘ir’ as in BIRD becomes the ‘ar’ as in BARD The ‘u’ as in CUT becomes the ‘ar’ as in CART These are the elementals that the student will wish to have to hand.

But it’s not always quite as simple as the above implies; the aristocracy are opportunists and will use phonetic variations that make sense to them in context particularly if an opportunity is spotted to ‘double up’ using an existing word, viz PENFUL for PAINFUL, or if brevity is sought viz FORD for FORWARD or HOBBLE for HORRIBLE. This search for brevity is the origin of the idea of Posh being a ‘clipped’ language. However, confusingly, the opposite can also be true and a short word such as BED may be stretched in Posh and pronounced BARED taking perhaps a whole second longer to articulate. Equally, BARED in Posh can also mean BAD… So there you are.

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