Interpersonal Communication Book, The, 16th edition Joseph A DeVito Solution Manual

INSTRUCTOR’S RESOURCE MANUAL Prepared by:

Piper Editorial

The Interpersonal Communication Book Sixteenth Edition

Joseph A. DeVito Hunter College of the City University of New York

DeVito, The Interpersonal Communication Book 16e, Instructor’s Manual

CHAPTER ONE: FOUNDATIONS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 1.1 Identify the personal and professional benefits of studying interpersonal communication.

1.2 Define interpersonal communication and its essential elements including source–receiver, messages, channels, noise, context, effects, and ethics.

1.3 Paraphrase the principles of interpersonal communication.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter introduces the study of interpersonal communication and explains why interpersonal communication is so important, examines the essential elements of this unique form of communication, and describes its major principles.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. The Benefits of Studying Interpersonal Communication A. Personal Benefits 1. Close friendships and romantic relationships are developed, maintained, and sometimes destroyed largely through your interpersonal interactions.

2. Your success in interacting with others depends on your ability to engage in satisfying conversation.

3. Positive interpersonal communication can increase your feelings of wellness and satisfaction and make your life happier and healthier.

B. Professional Benefits 1. Interpersonal skills offer a key advantage for just about any profession.

2. Interpersonal skills have a role in preventing workplace violence, improving doctor– patient relationships, and preventing medical mishaps.

3. Interpersonal communication enhances workplace performance, improves culture, and helps to resolve conflict.

4. Interpersonal communication is one of the most valued skills by prospective employers. .

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C. Personal and Professional Choices 1. Understanding the theory and research will help you to master the skills.

2. Use your knowledge to make choices as you encounter interpersonal situations day to day in a variety of settings.

Integrated Exercise: Rating Communication Situations Interpersonal Choice Point: Communicating an Image

II. The Elements of Interpersonal Communication A. Interpersonal communication is the verbal and nonverbal interaction between two (or sometimes more than two) interdependent people.

Integrated Exercise: Interpersonal Communication Myths Viewpoints: Interpersonal Metaphors B. Source–Receiver—each individual performs both functions (formulates messages and sends them) in interpersonal communication. (Consider how the source–receiver relationship is altered when a remote audience is also involved, as that may require changes to your communication.)

1. Interpersonal competence—your ability to communicate effectively (as source and receiver) Viewpoints: On-Screen Competence 2. Encoding—the act of producing messages 3. Decoding—the act of understanding messages 4. Code-switching—using different language styles depending on the situation C. Messages—signals that serve as stimuli for a receiver and are received by one of our senses 1. Synchronous communication—messages sent and received in real time, such as face-to-face communication 2. Asynchronous communication—messages sent at one time and received at another, and perhaps responded to at still another time, such as responding to messages left on Facebook 3. Metamessages—messages about other messages 4. Feedback messages—messages sent back to the speaker concerning reactions to what is communicated; it is important to discern feedback and adjust to it Viewpoints: Feedback and Relationships 5. Feedforward messages—information you provide before sending your primary messages; it reveals something about the message to come D. Channel—the medium through which messages pass .

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1. The channel imposes restrictions on message construction.

2. Face-to-face and online communication are both important to understand: a. It’s how we communicate today. b. Online and offline communication are related. c. Employers expect employees to have both offline and online communication skill sets. d. Both forms of communication are vital to current-day communication.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Channels E. Noise—anything that distorts a message and prevents the receiver from receiving the message as the sender sent it.

1. There are four kinds of noise: a. Physical noise—interference that impedes the physical transmission of the signal or message b. Physiological noise—barriers within the speaker or listener c. Psychological noise—mental interference in the speaker or listener d. Semantic noise—interference that occurs when the speaker and listener have different meaning systems 2. Signal-to-noise ratio—information we find useful is called signal; what we find useless is called noise Viewpoints: Signal and Noise Online F. Context—the environment that influences the form and content of messages 1. Physical dimension—tangible or concrete environment in which communication takes place 2. Temporal dimension—where a message fits into the time of day, moment in history, or sequence of communication events 3. Social–psychological dimension—includes norms of a society or group as well as status relationships among the participants 4. Cultural dimension—cultural beliefs and customs of people communicating G. Effects—interpersonal communication always has some effect or consequence 1. Cognitive effects—changes in your thinking 2. Affective effects—changes in your attitudes, values, beliefs, and emotions 3. Behavioral effects—changes in behaviors H. Ethics—the study of good and bad, of right and wrong, of moral and immoral Integrated Exercise: Ethical Behavior

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1. An objective view of ethics argues that standards apply to all people in all situations at all times.

2. A subjective view of ethics argues that the morality of an act depends on specific culture’s values and beliefs as well as on the circumstances.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: Ethical Standards in Communication Ethical Choice Point: Ethical Standards in Communication III. The Principles of Interpersonal Communication A. Interpersonal Communication Varies in Mindfulness 1. Mindfulness is a state of mental awareness.

2. Mindlessness is a lack of conscious awareness of your thinking or communicating.

3. To be effective communicating, you need to be mindful of your unique communication situation.

4. To increase mindfulness, consider the following: a. Create and re-create categories. b. Be open to new information and points of view. c. Beware of relying too heavily on first impressions. d. Be aware of possible misinterpretation in the message. e. Identify and evaluate your communication choices.

B. Interpersonal Communication Exists on a Continuum 1. Social role information versus personal information 2. Societal versus personal rules 3. Social versus personal messages C. Interpersonal Communication Is Transactional 1. Transactional perspective—views interpersonal communication as a process with elements that are interdependent and participants who are mutually influential 2. Interpersonal communication is a process that is ever-changing and circular.

3. Elements are interdependent.

4. Mutual influence—each individual influences the other, to some extent D. Interpersonal Communication Is Purposeful 1. To learn—better understand the world and yourself 2. To relate—communicate friendship and love 3. To influence—alter attitudes and behaviors 4. To play—provide balance, give your mind a break 5. To help—offer guidance through interpersonal interaction .

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Viewpoints: Blogs, Etc. E. Interpersonal Communication Is Ambiguous 1. Ambiguity occurs because people use words that can be interpreted differently.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Reducing Relationship Ambiguity

Integrated Exercise: Uncertainty in Interpersonal Relationships 2. Strategic ambiguity is used in a variety of situations when you want to be ambiguous.

Viewpoints: Relationship Ambiguity F. Interpersonal Communication Refers to Content and Relationship 1. Content dimension—messages that refer to the real world 2. Relationship dimension—messages that refer to the relationship between the people communicating Viewpoints: Social Media, Content, and Relationship G. Interpersonal Communication Is a Series of Punctuated Events 1. The tendency to divide communication into sequences of stimuli and responses is called punctuation.

2. Understanding how someone punctuates is essential to understanding and empathy.

H. Interpersonal Communication Is Inevitable, Irreversible, and Unrepeatable 1. Inevitability—it’s impossible to avoid communicating 2. Irreversibility—what you have communicated remains communicated (this is heightened online) 3. Unrepeatability—you can never recapture the same situation, frame of mind, or relationship dynamics KEY TERMS ambiguity asynchronous communication channel choice points code-switching competence complementary relationship content dimension context decoding effect encoding

ethics feedback feedforward inevitability interpersonal communication irreversibility messages metamessages metaphors mindfulness mindlessness noise .

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physical noise physiological noise psychological noise punctuation relationship dimension remote audience semantic noise

signal signal-to-noise ratio source–receiver strategic ambiguity synchronous communication transactional perspective unrepeatability

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Models of Interpersonal Communication (for small class or online course) The model presented in this chapter is only one possible representation of how interpersonal communication takes place. Since it was introduced to explain certain foundation concepts, it was simplified to focus on two people in conversation. Either alone or in groups, construct your own diagrammatic model of the essential elements and processes involved in any one of the following interpersonal situations. Your model’s primary function should be to describe what elements are involved and what processes operate in the specific situation chosen. You may find it useful to define the situation in more specific terms before you begin constructing your model.

1. Sitting silently on the bus while trying to avoid talking with the person seated next to you.

2. Asking someone out on a date through text message.

3. Meeting a new student in class.

4. Meeting friends of your friends in a group chat.

5. Participating in a small work group to decide how to market a new product.

6. Talking with someone who speaks a different language (which you don’t know and who does not know your language) and comes from a culture very different from your own.

7. Arguing with a best friend.

8. Calling someone to try to get him or her to sign up with your telephone service.

9. Responding in disagreement to a family member’s social media post about a social issue.

10. Replying to a family member’s critical comments at a holiday gathering.

11. Using LinkedIn to ask a former coworker for a recommendation for a new job.

How adequately does your model explain the process of interpersonal communication? Would it help someone new to the field get a clear picture of what interpersonal communication is and how it operates? On the basis of this model, how might you revise the model presented in this chapter?

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2. How Would You Give Feedback? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) How would you give feedback (positive or negative? person-focused or message focused? immediate or delayed? low monitoring or high monitoring? supportive or critical?) in these varied situations? Write one or two sentences of feedback for each of these situations: •

A friend—who you like but don’t have romantic feelings for—asks you on a date.

•

Your instructor asks you to evaluate the course.

•

A person you don’t trust sends you a friend request on Facebook.

•

A representative of your apartment management company asks you to write a review on Yelp.

•

A homeless person smiles at you on the street.

•

A colleague at work tells a homophobic joke.

•

A family member makes a racist comment.

•

A friend posts an unflattering photo of you on Instagram.

3. How Would You Give Feedforward? (for small class or online course) For each of the following situations, there is a need to preface remarks with some kind of feedforward—information you provide before stating your main or primary message. How do you preface the conversation for each of these situations?

•

You see an attractive person post a comment in a Facebook group created for university students in your major. You would like to get to know them a bit more with the possible objective of a date.

•

You just saw the posted grades for the midterm and your close friend failed while you did extremely well. In the cafeteria, you meet your friend who asks, “How’d you do on the midterm?”

•

You have a reputation for proposing outlandish ideas to interject humor into otherwise formal and boring discussions. This time, however, you want to offer a proposal that you fear will at first seem to be one of your standard outlandish and humorous proposals but is actually an idea that you think could work. You want to assure your group members that this is an idea worthy of their serious consideration.

•

Your friend is gay and has been active in the LGBTQIA+ Rights Movement on campus. You want to ask his advice on a paper you’re doing in your sociology class on employment discrimination.

•

Your friend just retweeted an article from a source that is known to be biased, and you would like to reply with a respectful and factual rebuttal.

4. Ethics in Interpersonal Communication (for small class, large lecture, or online course) .

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Here are a few communication situations that raise ethical issues. Consider each question and the extenuating circumstances that may work against your responding fully or even truthfully.

How would you respond?

Question [A friend texts you a picture and asks] How do I look?

Thought

You look terrible, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.

Question [A romantic partner asks] Do you love me?

Thought

You don’t want to commit yourself but you don't want to end the relationship either.

You want to allow the relationship to progress further before making any commitment.

Question [An interviewer asks] You seem a bit old for this type of job. How old are you?

Thought

I am old for this job but I need it anyway. I don’t want to turn the interviewer off because I really need this job. Yet, I don’t want to reveal my age either.

Question [A parent asks] Do you know who my (16-year-old-daughter) is spending so much time talking to online?

Thought

Yes, but I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone.

Question [A potential romantic partner through a personal message on a dating site asks] What’s your HIV status?

Thought

I’ve never been tested, but now is not the time to talk about this. I’ll practice safesex so as not to endanger my partner.

What ethical principles did you use in making your decisions? Assume that you asked the question, what response would you prefer? Would your questions and the expected answers differ if you were communicating by computer, say with e-mail or in a chat room? Are your preferred responses the same responses you would give? If there are discrepancies, how do you account for them?

5. How Can You Respond to Contradictory Messages? (for small class or online course) Compose responses to each of these statements that, let’s assume, seem contradictory or that somehow don’t ring true on the basis of what you know about the person.

•

Even if I do fail the course, so what? I don’t need it for graduation. .

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•

I texted three people. They all have something to do on Saturday night. I guess I’ll just curl up with a good book or a good movie. It’ll be better than a lousy night out anyway.

•

My parents are getting divorced after twenty years of marriage. My mother and father are both dating other people now so everything is going okay.

•

I lost my phone when it was out of power, and I can’t track it or, of course, call anyone to help…everything will turn out okay eventually.

6. I’d Prefer to Be (for small class) This exercise should enable you to get to know each other better and at the same time get to know yourself better. It’s a useful exercise for getting strangers to talk about themselves. It is best played in groups of 5 or 6 members.

First, each group member should rank each of the 3 traits in the 15 groupings listed, using 1 for the most preferred and 3 for the least preferred. After each person ranks the traits, discuss your rankings with other group members.

Any member may refuse to reveal his or her rankings for any category by saying “I pass.” The group is not permitted to question the reasons for any member’s passing. When a member reveals rankings for a category, the group members may ask questions relevant to that category. These questions may be asked after any individual member’s response or may be reserved until all members have given their rankings for a particular category.

After all categories have been discussed or after a certain time limit has been reached, consider the following questions: •

How would you rate this experience in terms of enjoyment? In terms of the openness of group members? Are these related?

•

How supportive or accepting was the group of the individual choices of its members?

Were some choices more acceptable than others?

•

Did the gender or culture of the group members influence the choices made?

The openness of the discussion?

•

What principle of communication would you draw from this experience?

“I’d Prefer to Be” 1.

___ intelligent ___ wealthy ___ physically attractive

2.

___ a movie star ___ a senator ___ a successful businessperson .

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3.

___ blind ___ deaf ___ mute

4.

___ on an average date ___ reading an average book ___ watching average television

5.

___ loved ___ feared ___ respected

6.

___ bisexual ___ heterosexual ___ homosexual

7.

___ applying for a job by letter ___ applying by face-to-face interview ___ applying by telephone interview

8.

___ adventurous ___ scientific ___ creative

9.

___ successful in social life ___ successful in family life ___ successful in business life

10.

___ a traitor to my friend ___ a traitor to my country ___ a traitor to myself

11.

___ angry ___ guilty ___ fearful

12.

___ an introvert ___ an extrovert ___ an ambivert

13.

___ the loved ___ the lover ___ the good friend .

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14.

___ a leader ___ a follower ___ a loner

15.

___ more open, disclose more ___ more flexible, more willing to try new things ___ more supportive, more giving of myself

7. Applying the Principles (for small class or online course) In introducing the principles of interpersonal communication, it was noted that they would provide insight into a number of practical issues. How would you use the principles to describe what is happening in each of the following situations? These scenarios are, of course, extremely brief and are written only as aids to stimulate you to think more concretely about the principles. Note too that the objective is not to select the one correct principle (each scenario can probably be described by reference to several principles), but to make use of an opportunity to think about the principles in reference to specific situations.

1.

A couple, together for 20 years, argues constantly about the seemingly most insignificant things—who takes the dog out, who does the shopping, who decides where to go to dinner, and so on. It has gotten to the point where they rarely have a day without argument and both tend to post passive-aggressive comments about the other on social media. They both are seriously considering a separation.

2.

Pat and Chris are a couple who hurt each other regularly. When one makes a negative comment, the other responds with an even more negative comment, which is followed by a still more negative one, and so on. This frequently results in extremely serious conflicts. On the other hand, when things are good, they are very good.

3.

In the heat of a big argument, Harry said he didn’t want to see Nathan’s family ever again. “They don’t like me, and I don’t like them,” he said. Nathan reciprocated and said he felt the same way about Harry’s family. Now, weeks later, there remains a great deal of tension between them, especially when they find themselves with one or both families.

4.

Grace and Tom are engaged and are currently new executives at a large advertising agency. Recently, Grace made a presentation that was not well received by the other members of the team. Grace feels that Tom—in not defending her proposal—created a negative attitude and actually encouraged others to reject her ideas. Tom says that he felt he could not defend her proposal because others in the room would have believed his defense was motivated by their relationship and not by his positive evaluation of her proposal. He concluded it was best to say nothing.

5.

Margo has just taken over as vice president in charge of sales for a manufacturing company. Margo is extremely organized and refuses to waste time on nonessentials.

In her staff meetings, she is business only. Several top sales representatives have requested to be assigned to other VPs. Their reason: they feel she works them too hard and doesn’t care about them as people. .

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8. Analyzing an Interaction (for small class or online course) The principles of human communication discussed in Chapter 1 should prove useful in analyzing any communication interaction. To help illustrate these principles and to provide some practice in applying them to a real-life situation, the following interaction is presented.

Read it carefully, and analyze each of the principles of communication identified following the interaction.

As an alternative to analyzing this interaction, the entire class may watch a situation comedy show, television drama, or film and explore the communication axioms in these presentations. The questions used in this exercise should prove useful in formulating parallel questions for the television program or film.

Another way of approaching this topic is for all students to watch the same television programs for an entire evening, with groups of students focusing on the operation of different axioms.

Thus, one group would focus on examples and illustrations of the impossibility of not communicating, another group would focus on the content and relationship dimensions of messages, and so on. Each group can then report its findings and insights to the entire class.

An Interpersonal Transaction MARGARET: mother, junior high school history teacher; 41 years old FRED: father, gas station attendant; 46 years old DIANE: daughter, receptionist in an art gallery; 22 years old STEPHEN: son, college freshman; 18 years old Margaret is in the kitchen finishing preparing dinner—lamb chops, Fred’s favorite, though she does not much care for them. Diane is listening to music. Stephen is reading one of his textbooks. Fred comes in from work and throws his jacket over the couch; it falls to the floor.

FRED: [Bored but angry, looking at Stephen] What did you do with the car last night? It stinks like hell. And you left all your damn school papers all over the back seat.

STEPHEN: [As if expecting the angry remarks] What did I do now?

FRED: You stunk up the car with your damn pot or whatever you kids smoke, and you left the car a mess. Can’t you hear?

[Stephen says nothing; goes back to looking at his book but without really reading.]

MARGARET: Dinner’s almost ready. Come on. Wash up and sit down.

[At dinner] DIANE: Mom, I’m going to go to the beach for the weekend with some friends from work.

MARGARET: OK. When will you be leaving? .

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DIANE: Friday afternoon, right after work.

FRED: No more going to the beach with that group.

MARGARET: Fred, they’re nice people. Why shouldn’t she go?

FRED: Because I said so, OK? Finished. Closed.

DIANE: [Mumbling] I’m 22 years old, and he gives me problems. You make me feel like a kid, like some stupid little kid.

FRED: Get married and then you can tell your husband what to do.

DIANE: I wish I could.

STEPHEN: But nobody’ll ask her.

MARGARET: Why should she get married? She’s got a good life—good job, nice friends, good home. Listen, I was talking with Elizabeth and Cara this morning, and they both feel they’ve just wasted their lives. They raised a family and what have they got? They’ve got nothing. [To Diane] And don’t think sex is so great either; it isn’t, believe me.

FRED: Well, they’re idiots.

MARGARET: [Snidely] They’re idiots? Yeah, I guess they are.

DIANE: Joanne’s getting married.

MARGARET: Who’s Joanne?

STEPHEN: That creature who lives with that guy Michael.

FRED: Watch your mouth, wiseass. Don’t be disrespectful to your mother.

MARGARET: Well, how do you like the dinner?

[Prolonged silence] DIANE: Do you think I should be in the wedding party if Joanne asks me? I think she will; we always said we’d be in each other’s weddings.

MARGARET: Sure, why not. It’ll be nice.

FRED: I’m not going to no wedding, no matter who’s in it.

STEPHEN: Me neither.

DIANE: I hope you’ll both feel that way when I get married.

STEPHEN: By then I’ll be too old to remember I got a sister.

MARGARET: How’s school, Stephen?

STEPHEN: I hate it. It’s so big. Nobody knows anyone. You sit in these big lecture halls and listen to some creep talk. I really feel lonely and isolated, like nobody knows I’m alive.

FRED: Listen to that college-talk garbage. Get yourself a woman and you won’t feel lonely, instead of hanging out with those potheads.

[Diane looks to Margaret, giving a sigh as if to say, “Here we go again.”]

MARGARET: [To Diane, in whisper] I know. .

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DIANE: Mom? Do you think I’m getting fat?

STEPHEN: Yes. MARGARET: No, I don’t notice it.

DIANE: Well, I just thought I might be.

STEPHEN: [Pushing his plate away] I’m finished; I’m going out.

FRED: Sit down and finish your damn supper. You think I work all day for you to throw the food away? You wanna go smoke your dope?

STEPHEN: No. I just want to get away from you—forever.

MARGARET: You mean we both work all day.

FRED: No, I mean I work and you baby-sit.

MARGARET: Teaching junior high school history isn’t baby-sitting.

FRED: What the hell is it then? You don’t teach them anything.

MARGARET: [To Diane] You see? You’re better off single. I should’ve stayed single.

Instead...oh well. I was young and stupid. It was my own fault for getting involved with a loser.

Just don’t you make the same mistake.

FRED: [To Stephen] Go ahead. Leave the table. Leave the house. Who cares what you do?

Here are some questions, built around the principles discussed in Chapter 1, to guide your analysis. You can use these same questions, save for the character names, if you choose to use another interpersonal exchange to analyze.

1. Interpersonal communication is a transactional process.

•

How is the process nature of communication illustrated in this interaction? For example, why is it impossible to identify specific beginnings and specific endings for any of the varied interactions? Are there instances in which individual characters attempt to deny the process nature of interpersonal interaction?

•

Can you illustrate how the messages of the different characters are interdependent?

2. Interpersonal communication is ambiguous.

•

Can you identify any ambiguities that might cause communication problems?

•

How would you describe the ambiguity present in the various relationships represented in this family?

3. Interpersonal communication may be symmetrical or complementary.

•

What relationship type do you suppose exists between Fred and Margaret? Between Fred and Diane? Between Fred and Stephen? Between Diane and Stephen? Between Margaret and Stephen? Between Margaret and Diane?

•

Can any instances of inappropriate complementarity be found? Inappropriate symmetry?

What problems might these cause this particular family? .

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4. Communication involves both content and relationship dimensions.

•

How does each character deal with the self-definitions of the other characters? For example, how does Fred deal with the self-definition of Margaret? How does Margaret deal with the self-definition of Fred?

•

Are any problems caused by failure to recognize the distinction between the content and the relationship levels of communication?

•

Select one topic of conversation and identify both the content and the relationship messages communicated.

5. Interpersonal communication is a series of punctuated events.

•

Select any two characters and indicate how they differ in their punctuation of any specific sequence of events. Do the characters realize that they are each punctuating differently?

•

What problems might a failure to recognize the arbitrary nature of punctuation create?

6. Interpersonal communication is inevitable, irreversible, and unrepeatable.

•

Do the characters communicate significant messages, even though they may attempt not to communicate? For example, in what ways do the characters communicate simply by their physical presence or by the role they occupy in the family? Do the characters make attempts not to communicate? Why do these attempts fail?

•

Are any messages being communicated that you think the characters will later wish they had not communicated? Why do you think so? Do any of the characters try to reverse the communication process—that is, to “uncommunicate”?

•

What evidence can you offer to illustrate that communication is unrepeatable?

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable each student in the class to critically encounter chapter concepts in light of his or her own experience and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each group one of the following questions.

(If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report her or his group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Review the reasons to study interpersonal communication. What areas of your life do you hope to improve by taking this class?

•

Think of an embarrassing, happy, sad, or funny incident in your life, and discuss how the principles gave that particular quality to the incident.

•

Think of a celebrity, role model, or important person in your life, and describe what specifically he or she does to communicate competently. .

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•

How can social networking sites such as Instagram and Twitter be used in both positive and negative ways to enhance as well as to harm interpersonal relationships?

•

Describe examples of noise in a situation you encountered today. What are ways to alleviate the noise that you mentioned in your examples?

•

Why does the channel matter in interpersonal communication? Discuss a time when you felt the wrong channel was used and what happened as a result.

•

Describe an asynchronous interpersonal exchange you had today and talk about how it might have been more effective if it had been a synchronous interaction.

•

How can interpersonal communication be ambiguous? Discuss a time when a miscommunication resulted as a result of this principle.

2. Decoding Terms (for small class or large lecture) This exercise will demonstrate that meanings depend on the source of the message(s).

Instructors can discuss how communication affects the receiver of the message and how the source generates meaning. Choose a few of the following terms and read them aloud or write them on the board. Ask students to take a few minutes to write what comes to mind when they hear these words. Then, as a class, discuss these associations. Discuss why the terms have very different meanings, depending on the person that says them and how the receiver decodes them.

1.

Justice

6.

Equality

2.

Love

7.

America

3.

Water

8.

Identity

4.

Food

9.

Peace

5.

Television

10. Dog

.

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TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

The Big Bang Theory – This TV show provides many examples that can be used to discuss interpersonal competence and how low and high levels can affect your communication effectiveness.

•

Fight Club – This film provides background for a discussion of how context and culture affect a source-receiver.

•

Guardians of the Galaxy – This film can exemplify instances of noise, the importance of culture to interpersonal communication, and the difference between content and relationship dimensions, among other key concepts.

•

Mean Girls – This film provides examples of several of the principles of interpersonal communication, especially how it is relational and symmetrical.

•

Pirates of the Caribbean – This film is an enjoyable illustration of the universals of interpersonal communication. Scenes where characters lie to one another or conceal the truth can also be used as a starting point for discussions on communication ethics.

•

The Good Place – This TV show can be used as analysis of the different purposes that communication serves. Students can identify examples of interpersonal communication that is used to learn, relate, influence, play, or help, as well as the ethical aspects of interpersonal communication.

•

The Sixth Sense – This film should be an interesting vehicle through which students can explore how communicators are simultaneously senders and receivers. Individual scenes provide insight into the dyadic or relational definition of interpersonal communication.

WRITING EXERCISES Journal 1.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Communicating an Image The Interpersonal Choice Point feature is designed to help you apply the text material to real-life situations by first considering your available choices and then making a communication decision.

For each choice point, try to identify, as specifically as possible, the advantages and disadvantages of your available choices. All choices involve both positives and negatives. Your task is to examine as many choices as you can and select the one that you feel is likely to work best for you.

You’re taking a course in interpersonal communication at a new college and you want to be liked by your fellow students. What might you do to appear likeable and be accepted as an approachable person? What would you be sure to avoid doing?

Journal 1.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Channels You want to ask someone for a date and are considering how you might go about this. You regularly communicate with this person via text and social media as well as face-to-face at school. How would you ask for a date? .

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Journal 1.3: Ethical Choice Point – Ethics Standards in Communication You’ll find it interesting to look up the code of ethics for the profession you’re in or planning on entering. Before you do so, however, think about what you consider ethical communication.

What ethical standards do you follow in your own communication (online and face-to-face)?

What ethical principles do you, even if only rarely, violate?

Journal 1.4: Interpersonal Choice Point – Reducing Relationship Ambiguity You’ve gone out with someone for several months. At this point, you want to reduce ambiguity about the future of the relationship and discover your partner’s level of commitment. But you don’t want to scare your partner. What would you do to reduce this ambiguity?

Shared Writing: Communication Competence in Popular Media Select a character from a television sitcom or drama and analyze that person’s interpersonal competence, considering, for example, the character’s use of both effective and ineffective interpersonal strategies.

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CHAPTER TWO: CULTURE AND INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 2.1

Define culture, enculturation, and acculturation and explain the relevance of culture to interpersonal communication.

2.2

Explain the seven cultural differences identified here and how these impact on interpersonal communication.

2.3

Define intercultural communication and explain the principles for making intercultural communication more effective.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter discusses one of the foundation concepts of interpersonal communication, culture—an often-misunderstood concept. More specifically, this chapter explains the nature of culture and its relationship to interpersonal communication, the major differences among cultures and how these differences affect interpersonal communication, and the ways you can improve your own intercultural communication.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Culture A. Culture is defined as the relatively specialized lifestyle of a group of people that is passed on through communication, not genes.

1. Culture includes everything that members of a group have produced and developed— values, beliefs, artifacts, language, ways of behaving, art, laws, religion, attitudes, communication theories, and more. Some of these are visible but most are invisible (iceberg metaphor).

2. Culture is passed from one generation to the next through communication.

3. Culture is not related to our genes; it is not skin color or eye shape.

4. Race and ethnicity are central to the discussion of culture and often are confused. a. Race is often defined as biological and identified by skin color, eye color, hair color, and facial features, but there are more genetic differences within any named racial group than there are between differently named racial groups. Defining race as genetically determined, contemporary research explains, can lead to racism and racist thinking. .

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b. Ethnicity is usually defined as a function of geographical origin, such as a common geographical heritage, a common language, or a common religion.

5. Race and ethnicity are social constructs, classifications that are created by society, not biology. However, they are frequently used to marginalize some groups and reward others.

6. Sex and gender are often used synonymously but are quite different. a.

Sex is biological.

b.

Gender (masculinity and femininity) is generally viewed as existing on a continuum and is selfdefined. Gender is the ways of behaving, communicating, and relating to one another that are learned as you grow up.

c.

Gender identity is a concept of who you are, whether masculine, feminine, both, or neither. i.

Cisgender: your sex and gender identity are similar.

ii.

Transgender: the biological and the gender identity are different

iii. Intersex: born with sex characteristics that cannot be fit into the binary male-female category.

B. The Importance of Cultural Awareness 1. Demographic changes a. The United States was largely populated by Europeans, but is now greatly influenced by citizens from Latin and South America, Africa, and Asia. b. Interracial and interethnic marriages are increasing. c. Corporations are recognizing the importance of culture in product names and in images associated with products, as a result of movements like Black Lives Matter.

2. Sensitivity to cultural differences a. We have moved from an assimilationist attitude (favoring cultural assimilation) to a perspective that values diversity. b. The melting pot has become the tossed salad.

3. Economic and political interdependence a. Our economic well-being is somewhat dependent on other cultures. b. Political unrest in any part of the world affects our own security.

4. The culture-specific nature of interpersonal communication a. What works in one culture does not necessarily work in another.

5. Advances in communication technology a. News from foreign countries is commonplace. b. The Internet has made intercultural communication easy.

C. The Transmission of Culture 1. Enculturation—the process by which you learn the culture into which you’re born .

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2. Ethnic identity—a commitment to the beliefs and philosophy of your culture (that you learn through enculturation) a. Ethnic identity can act as a shield against discrimination. b. Ethnic identity is not the same as race; ethnic identity is based on a social and cultural identification, while race is a classification of humans on the basis of their physical and biological characteristics.

3. Acculturation—the process by which you learn the rules and norms of a culture different from your native culture a. Acculturation modifies your original or native cultures through direct contact with or exposure to a new and different “host” culture. b. The process is easier for immigrants who come from a similar culture, who are younger, who are better educated, who are risk-takers, and who are open-minded.

Viewpoints: What’s in a Name?

D. The Aim of a Cultural Perspective 1. Culture influences communication of all types.

2. Success in interpersonal communication depends in great part on your understanding of persons who are culturally different from yourself.

3. You do not need to accept or follow all of the practices of other cultures or your own culture.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Violating Cultural Expectations Viewpoints: Cultural Correctness Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: Ethics in a Multi-Cultural World II. Cultural Differences Integrated Exercise: Cultural Orientations A. Individual and Collective Orientation—the extent to which cultures promote individual values or collectivist values 1. In individualist cultures, members are responsible for themselves and perhaps immediate family. a. Success means standing out from the crowd. b. They value power, achievement, hedonism, and stimulation.

2. In collectivistic cultures, members are responsible for the entire group. a. Success is based on how you benefit the group. b. They value benevolence, tradition, and conformity.

3. A universalist orientation treats people as individuals rather than members of a group and teaches respect for other cultures, beliefs, and ways of doing things.

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4. An exclusionist orientation fosters a strong in-group affiliation with much less respect for out-group members.

Viewpoints: Men and Women B. High- and Low-Context Cultures—the extent to which information is made explicit in the verbal message or assumed to be in the context or relationship 1. In high-context cultures, much of the communication information is in the person and/or context. a. They are collectivist in nature. b. Relationships are valued. c. Much emphasis is placed on face-saving.

2. In low-context cultures, most information is in the verbal message. a. They are individualist in nature. b. Members tend to get down to business quickly.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Saving Face C. Power Distance—refers to how power is distributed in a society 1. In high-power-distance cultures, power is in the hands of a few. a. Friendships are encouraged within the same class. b. Direct confrontation and assertiveness might be viewed negatively.

2. In low-power-distance cultures, power is more evenly distributed. a. Friends are selected on the basis of individual factors such as personality. b. Assertiveness is valued due to a general feeling of equality.

D. Masculine and Feminine Cultures 1. Masculine cultures emphasize material success and socialize people to be aggressive, ambitious, and competitive.

2. In feminine cultures, individuals are socialized toward modesty, tenderness, and a concern for quality of life.

E. High-Ambiguity-Tolerant and Low-Ambiguity-Tolerant Cultures—levels of ambiguity tolerance vary widely among cultures 1. In high-ambiguity-tolerant cultures, uncertainty is accepted and rules aren’t rigidly followed.

2. In low-ambiguity-tolerant cultures, uncertainty causes anxiety and rules are very important.

F. Long- and Short-Term Orientation

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1. Cultures with long-term orientation value future rewards and are more apt to save for the future and prepare for the future academically. These cultures may believe such things as: a. Marriage is a practical arrangement, and it is believed that mothers should be home with their children. b. Humility is important for men and women. c. Old age should be a happy time of life.

2. Cultures with short-term orientation look more to the past and present, want quick results, and spend their resources instead of saving. These cultures may believe such things as: a. Marriage is a moral arrangement, and it is believed that others can care for children. b. Humility is important for women only. c. Old age is an unpleasant time of life.

Viewpoints: Long- and Short-Term Orientation and College G. Indulgence and Restraint 1. Cultures high in indulgence emphasize the gratification of desires. a. They have more people who are happy, which is based on both life control and leisure. b. They are more optimistic, have a more satisfying family life, and have loose gender roles.

2. Cultures high in restraint foster the curbing of such gratification and its regulation by social norms. a. People are unhappier because they have less control over their lives and little leisure time. b. They place a great value on thrift and less importance on friendship.

Viewpoints: Health and Cultural Orientation III. Principles for Effective Intercultural Communication.

A. Intercultural communication—communication between people who have different cultural beliefs, values, or ways of behaving B. Educate Yourself 1. Read books, watch documentaries, and talk to others.

2. Recognize your fears.

Viewpoints: Appreciation and Appropriation (cultural appreciation refers to the process by which a person seeks to understand an appreciate another’s culture, while .

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cultural appropriation is taking or using something from a culture that is not your own for your own benefit) C. Recognize Differences 1. Differences between yourself and the culturally different 2. Differences within the culturally different group 3. Differences in meaning 4. Differences in dialect and accent D. Confront Your Stereotypes 1. Stereotype—a fixed impression of a group of people 2. Stereotyping can lead to two major barriers. a. The tendency to group a person into a class can lead to perceiving that the person possesses certain negative qualities that you believe characterize the group. b. Stereotyping can lead you to ignore others’ unique characteristics, so you may fail to benefit from the special contributions of each person.

Viewpoints: Gender Stereotypes E. Reduce Your Ethnocentrism 1. Ethnocentrism—the tendency to evaluate the beliefs, values, and behaviors of your own culture as more positive, natural, and logical than those of other groups 2. Ethnocentrism exists on a continuum.

Viewpoints: Ethnocentrism F. Anticipate Culture Shock 1. Culture shock—the psychological reaction you experience when you’re in a culture very different from your own 2. There are four stages. a. Stage One: The Honeymoon b. Stage Two: The Crisis c. Stage Three: The Recovery d. Stage Four: The Adjustment 3. Learn to manage your culture shock.

G. Adjust Your Communication 1. Adjustments have to be made because we don’t share identical meanings for the same symbols.

2. Each culture has its own rules and customs for communicating. .

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3. Communication accommodation theory states that people will adjust their speaking style to their listeners.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Misusing Linguistic Privilege KEY TERMS accent acculturation ambiguity tolerance cisgender collectivist culture cultural appreciation

high-context culture high-power-distance culture individualist culture indulgence intercultural communication intersex long-term orientation low-context culture low-power-distance culture masculine culture power distance race restraint sex short-term orientation stereotype transgender

cultural appropriation cultural assimilation culture culture shock dialect enculturation ethnic identity ethnocentrism feminine culture gender gender identity

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Cultural Beliefs (for small class or online course) Review the following cultural maxims. Select any one that seems especially interesting and identify: a. the meaning of the maxim b. the cultural value(s) it embodies and speaks to c. the similarity or difference between it and what your own culture teaches 1. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

2. A penny saved is a penny earned.

3. All is not gold that glitters.

4. All will come to those who wait.

5. Beauty is only skin-deep.

6. Birds of a feature flock together.

7. Blessed are the meek.

8. Blood is thicker than water. .

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9. Blow your own horn.

10. Children should be seen and not heard.

11. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

12. Don’t put off ‘til tomorrow what you can do today.

13. God is just.

14. Honesty is the best policy.

15. If you talk the talk, you have to walk the walk.

16. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

17. It’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

18. Love thy neighbor.

19. Never give a sucker an even break.

20. No one likes a sore loser.

21. Nothing succeeds like success.

22. Patience is a virtue.

23. Play your cards right.

24. Put your money where your mouth is.

25. Real men don’t cry.

26. Respect your elders.

27. Self-praise smells bad.

28. Smile though your heart is breaking.

29. Stick with your own kind.

30. Tell it like it is.

31. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

32. The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.

33. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

34. There’s no defense like a good offense.

35. There’s no fool like an old fool.

36. Throw caution to the wind.

37. Time is money.

38. Time waits for no one.

39. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

40. What goes around comes around.

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2. From Culture to Gender (for small class, large lecture, or online course) This exercise is designed to help you explore how cultures teach men and women different values and beliefs and how these might in turn influence the ways in which men and women communicate interpersonally.

Select one of the beliefs listed below and indicate how you think the “typical man” and the “typical woman” would view this belief. For example: Men are more likely to believe that women make more effective parents than men, or women believe that men have a higher commitment to career and desire for success than women do.

Try to identify one way you think these beliefs influence the typical man’s, the typical woman’s, and the typical male–female interpersonal interaction. For example: As a result of a man’s belief that women make better parents, men have a tendency to leave parenting behaviors up to the woman, or men’s belief that women make better parents leads men to avoid making parenting decisions.

Think critically about your beliefs. What evidence can you offer for your beliefs about gender differences and about how these cultural beliefs influence interpersonal communication?

You may wish to extend this journey by actually locating the evidence bearing on your hypotheses. One way to do this is to access online databases, which your school library is likely to have access to. Do a find search for “gender” and the key word of the proposition. For example, “gender + friendship” or “gender + money.” Try several variations for each combination. For example, “gender + finances,” “men + money,” “gender differences + finance.” Some abstracts you’ll find will give you the results of the study, but others will just identify the hypotheses studied. To discover what was found, you’d have to consult the original research study.

On the basis of your analysis and research, would you revise your beliefs? State them with even stronger conviction? Urge caution in accepting such beliefs?

Beliefs 1. The three most important qualities necessary for developing a romantic relationship 2. The importance of money in a relationship and in defining one’s success or achievement 3. The role of politeness in interpersonal relationships 4. The value of communication in a relationship 5. The tendency to nurture others 6. Effectiveness in parenting 7. The tendency to think emotionally rather than logically 8. The likelihood of becoming hysterical in, say, an argument or when placed in a dangerous situation 9. High commitment to career and desire for success

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10. The likelihood of becoming depressed because of real or imagined problems or the importance placed on winning—with friends, loved ones, and business associates 11. The use of social media to enhance relationships 12. The desire to take care of everyone 3. Cultural Identities (for small class) Anonymously, write on an index card one of your cultural identities (race, religion, nationality) and three strengths you feel that a significant number of members of this cultural group possess. The cards should be collected, randomized, and read aloud.

This brief experience—along with any discussion it generates—should make the following clear: 1. People have diverse cultural identities, each person having several.

2. Each identity has its own perceived strengths—members of other cultures may not recognize the “strengths” as “strengths.”

The most effective individual is likely to be the one who recognizes and welcomes the strengths of different cultures.

4. The Sources of Your Cultural Beliefs (for small class) This exercise is designed to increase your awareness of your cultural beliefs and how you got them. For each of the beliefs noted below, try to answer these six questions: 1. What were you taught? Phrase it as specifically as possible. For example: I was taught to believe that . . .

2. Who taught you? Parents? Teachers? Television? Peers? Coaches?

3. How were you taught? By example? Explicit teaching?

4. When were you taught this? As a child? As a high school student? As an adult?

5. Where were you taught this? In your home? Around the dinner table? At school? On the playground?

6. Why do you suppose you were taught this? What motives lead your parents or teachers to teach you this belief?

Beliefs 1. The nature of God (belief in the existence of; organized religion; atheism; afterlife) 2. The importance of family (respect for elders; interconnectedness; responsibilities to other family members)

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3. The meaning of and means to success (the qualities that make for success; financial and relational “success”) 4. The rules for sexual appropriateness (sex outside of committed relationships; same-sex and opposite sex relationships) 5. The role of education (in defining success; the obligation to become educated; education as a way of earning a living) 6. Male-female differences (recognizing differences; feminism) 7. Intercultural interactions (friendship and romance with those of other religions, races, or nationalities; importance of in-group vs. out-group) 8. The importance of money (amount that’s realistic or desirable, at what price, and professional goal; relative importance compared to relationships or job satisfaction) 9. The meaning of life (major goal in life; this life vs. an afterlife) 10. Time (the importance of being on time; the value of time; wasting time; adherence to the social time table of your peers—doing what they do at about the same age) In what one way did each of these beliefs influence your interpersonal communication style? If you have the opportunity for interaction in small groups, a good way to gain added insight into cultural beliefs is for volunteers to talk about the belief they selected, how they answered each of the six questions, and how the belief influences their own way of communicating interpersonally. If the principles for effective interpersonal and intercultural communication are followed, this simple interchange should result in formidable interpersonal and intercultural insight.

5. Confronting Intercultural Obstacles (for small class or online course) Think about your own ability to deal with intercultural communication situations by considering how you would deal with each of the following obstacles to intercultural understanding and communication.

1. Your friend makes fun of Radha, who comes to class in her native African dress.

You feel you want to object to this.

2. Craig and Louise are an interracial couple. Craig’s family treats him fairly but virtually ignores Louise. They never invite Craig and Louise as a couple to dinner or to partake in any of the family affairs. The couple decides that they should confront Craig’s family and ask your advice.

3. Malcolm, a close friend, is really an open-minded person. But, in his social media posts, he has the habit of referring to members of other racial and ethnic groups with derogatory language. You decide to tell him that you object to this.

4. Tom, a good friend of yours, wants to ask Pat out for a date. Both you and Tom know that Pat is a lesbian and will refuse the date, and yet Tom says he’s going to have some fun and send her a flirty message through social media—just to give her a hard time.

You think this is wrong and want to tell Tom you think so. .

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5. Your parents persist in holding stereotypes about other religious, racial, and ethnic groups. These stereotypes come up in all sorts of conversations. You are embarrassed by these attitudes and feel you must tell your parents how incorrect you think these stereotypes are.

6. Lenny, a work colleague, recently underwent a religious conversion. Now, he keeps trying to get everyone else to undergo this same religious conversion. Every day he tells you why you should convert, gives you literature to read, and otherwise persists in trying to convert you. You decide to tell him that you find this behavior offensive.

6. Changing Perspectives (for small class) This exercise is designed to create empathy and display relationships in which there is a disparity in cultural expectations. Divide the class into groups (or take volunteers) representing the following relationships: •

Strangers

•

Best friends

•

Worst enemies

•

Domineering boss and timid subordinate

•

Grandmother and five-year-old grandchild

Have each dyad act out the following dialogue. Participants should feel free to explain where and when they perceived the action as taking place. After each dialogue, ask the students why each character behaved as he or she did and the cultural value this action depicts.

Person 1: Hello.

Person 2: How are you?

Person 1: Pretty good.

Person 2: I haven’t seen you here before.

Person 1: I know. I wanted to try it—you look nice. I like that outfit.

Person 2: Thanks. Well, I gotta go.

Person 1: Okay. Bye.

7. Ethnic Identity and Identifiers (for small class) Have each student bring three items to class that illustrate his or her ethnic identity. In small groups or in front of the class, ask each student to explain what each item represents.

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DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable each student in the class to critically encounter cultural concepts in light of his or her own experience and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report his or her group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

What is the most unaddressed topic on this campus regarding intercultural communication?

•

How do you feel about some college mascots being considered racist?

•

How much does the faculty at your university reflect the changing face of the nation? How diverse is your faculty regarding race, gender, age, or religion?

•

How does ethnocentrism act as a barrier when trying to understand someone from a different culture?

•

What do you consider your ethnic identity? Is it important to you? Why or why not?

•

What cultural differences have you encountered while interacting with others on social media?

•

Have you ever had a misunderstanding with someone because of cultural differences (in nonverbal behaviors, actions, values, etc.)? What happened and what did you learn from it? If this happened online, do you think it would have been resolved more easily face-to-face? Why or why not?

2. Intercultural Interview/Panel Discussion (for small class or large lecture) Ask each student to interview an international student on campus. Questions could focus on the acculturation process as well as differences among cultures presented in the chapter. An alternate version would be to invite several international students in the class to take part in a panel discussion on the topics of acculturation, cultural differences, and overcoming barriers to effective intercultural communication.

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TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

The 100 – This TV show can be used for a discussion of the benefits of and difficulties in interacting with individuals who are culturally different.

•

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – This film demonstrates the influence of culture on a wide variety of behaviors.

•

Madam Secretary – This TV show demonstrates the economic and political interdependence of countries.

•

Meet the Fockers – This film shows the clash of co-cultures within the United States.

•

My Big Fat Greek Wedding – This film details how an individualistic and collective culture can differ.

•

The Revenant – This film includes scenes that show clashing between co-cultures, allowing for discussion of stereotypes and ethnocentrism.

•

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt – This TV show demonstrates culture shock and the difficulty of going from one culture to another.

•

A Walk in the Clouds – This film shows the initial rejection and final acceptance of someone entering into another culture.

•

Parasite-- This film shows greed and class discrimination within a different cultural setting.

WRITING EXERCISES

Journal 2.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Violating Cultural Expectations You’re invited to a holiday party by people you recently met at school. Not knowing much about anyone else, you buy a really expensive present. As the gifts are being opened, you notice that everyone else is giving more modest items—a photograph frame, a book, a scented candle. Your gift is next. What might you say to lessen the negative reaction you anticipate?

Journal 2.2: Ethical Choice Point - Ethics in a Multi-Cultural World You’re talking with new work colleagues who are discussing one of the practices listed in the Ethics in a Multi-Cultural World box with great approval. Your colleagues argue that each culture has a right to its own practices and beliefs. Given your own beliefs about these issues and about cultural diversity, what ethical obligations do you have to speak your mind without—you hope— jeopardizing your new position?

Journal 2.3: Interpersonal Choice Point - Saving Face

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You accidentally refer to your best friend’s current romantic partner with the name of your friend’s ex-partner. From both their expressions you can tell your friend never mentioned the ex. What can you say to get your friend out of the trouble you just created?

Journal 2.4: Interpersonal Choice Point - Misusing Linguistic Privilege You enter a group of racially similar people who are using terms normally considered offensive to refer to themselves. In an effort to fit in and be one of the crowd, you too use such terms. But, contrary to your expectations, you are met with extremely negative nonverbal feedback. What might you say in response to these reactions?

Shared Writing: Your Cultural Orientation Examine your own cultural orientation in terms of your overall life goals. Are your cultural beliefs productive and helpful to you in reaching your goals? Might some prove a hindrance?

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CHAPTER THREE: PERCEPTION OF THE SELF AND OTHERS

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 3.1

Define self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem, and identify the suggestions for increasing awareness and esteem.

3.2

Explain the five stages of perception and how they influence how you receive messages.

3.3

Define the major impression formation processes and the ways to increase accuracy in perception.

3.4

Explain the impression management strategies that may help you to be liked, to be believed, to excuse failure, to secure help, to hide faults, to be followed, and to confirm your self-image.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter discusses two interrelated topics—the self (including self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem) and the nature of perception. Then these concepts are applied by looking at the ways in which you form impressions of others and how you manage the impressions of yourself that you convey to others.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. The Self in Interpersonal Communication A. Self-Concept 1. Self-concept—your image of who you are 2. Self-concept comes from four sources: a. Others’ images—According to Charles Horton Cooley’s (1922) concept of the looking-glass self, you see the image of yourself that others reveal to you. b. Social comparisons—a way of developing the self-concept by comparing yourself to peers i. We can compare to those less effective than we are in order to feel better about ourselves or we can compare ourselves to our peers to find out where we stand. ii. Social media provides many opportunities to find out where you stand. .

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Viewpoints: Social Comparisons c. Cultural teachings—Your culture and its media instill in you many beliefs, values, and attitudes that provide benchmarks against which you measure yourself. d. Self-evaluations—We react to our own behavior, interpret it, and evaluate it.

B. Self-Awareness 1. Self-awareness—the extent to which you know yourself 2. The Johari window provides insight into self-awareness and describes four selves. a. Open self—information about yourself that you and others know b. Blind self—information about yourself that you don’t know but that others do know c. Hidden self—information about yourself that you know but others don’t know d. Unknown self—information about yourself that neither you nor others know 3. There are five ways to increase your self-awareness. a. Ask yourself about yourself—“Who am I?” List strengths, weaknesses, and goals. b. Listen to others—Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal behavior. c. Actively seek information about yourself—Try to reduce your blind area. d. See your different selves—We are seen differently by different people. e. Increase your open self—Self-disclosure can enhance self-awareness.

C. Self-Esteem 1. Self-esteem—a measure of how valuable you think you are 2. Self-esteem includes three components: a. Cognitive self-esteem refers to your thinking about your strengths and weaknesses, about who you are versus who you’d like to be. b. Affective self-esteem refers to your feelings about yourself in light of your analysis of your strengths and weaknesses. c. Behavioral self-esteem refers to verbal and nonverbal behaviors such as your disclosures, your assertiveness, your conflict strategies, and your gestures.

Integrated Exercise: Self-Esteem 3. Attack self-destructive beliefs—ideas you have about yourself that are unproductive or make it more difficult to achieve your goals 4. Beware the impostor phenomenon—the tendency to disregard outward signs of success and to consider yourself an “imposter,” a fake, a fraud, one who doesn’t really deserve to be considered successful.

5. Seek out nourishing people—Psychologist Carl Rogers (1970) divided people into noxious and nourishing. .

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6. Work on projects that will result in success—Set up a positive self-fulfilling prophecy for yourself and put failure in perspective.

7. Remind yourself of your successes—Recall successes emotionally and intellectually, and only focus on failures that can have some positive value.

Viewpoints: Self-Esteem and Facebook 8. Secure affirmation—used to refer to positive statements about yourself a. Use “I am” statements, “I can” statements, and “I will” statements. b. You should also seek affirmation from others.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Understanding Rejection II. Perception in Interpersonal Communication—the active process by which you become aware of objects, events, and people through your senses.

A. Stage One: Stimulation—your sensory organs are stimulated 1. It’s impossible to perceive everything, so you engage in selective perception, which has two elements: a. Selective attention—you attend to stimuli you anticipate will fulfill your needs or be enjoyable b. Selective exposure—you expose yourself to people or messages that confirm existing beliefs, contribute to personal objectives, or prove satisfying B. Stage Two: Organization 1. Organization by rules—rule of proximity, rule of similarity, and rule of contrast 2. Organization by schemata—mental templates that help you organize information; general ideas about people, yourself, or about social roles 3. Organization by scripts—a type of schema that is an organized body of information about some action, event, or procedure C. Stage Three: Interpretation–Evaluation 1. This process is inevitably subjective.

2. Judgments about other cultures are often ethnocentric.

D. Stage Four: Memory Interpersonal Choice Point: Reversing a First Impression E. Stage Five: Recall—accessing the information you have stored in memory 1. Memory isn’t reproductive; it’s reconstructive.

2. You reconstruct based on your schemata and scripts.

Understanding Interpersonal Skills: Other-Orientation III. Impression Formation

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A. Impression formation—the processes you go through in forming an impression of another person; sometimes referred to as person perception Integrated Exercise: Perception Strategies B. Impression Formation Processes 1. Self-fulfilling prophecy—a prediction that comes true because you act on it as if it were true (e.g., the Pygmalion effect). The four basic steps are: a. Make a prediction or formulate a belief about a person or situation. b. Act toward that person or situation as if that prediction or belief were true. c. Because you act as if the belief were true, it becomes true. d. Observe the effect, and what you see strengthens your beliefs.

Viewpoints: The Pygmalion Effect 2. Personality theory—the system of rules that tells you which person’s characteristics go with which other characteristics a. Halo effect—a function of the implicit personality theory; believing a person has some positive qualities means you’re more likely to infer that she or he possess other positive qualities. b. Reverse halo effect—If you believe a person has some negative qualities, you’re more likely to believe they have other negative qualities.

Integrated Exercise: Personality Theory 3. Perceptual accentuation—you see what you expect or want to see, or it can lead you to perceive what you need or want to perceive 4. Primacy–recency a. Primacy effect—what comes first exerts more influence (for example, a first impression) b. Recency effect—what comes last exerts the most influence 5. Consistency—the tendency to maintain balance among perceptions or attitudes Integrated Exercise: Consistency Theories 6. Attribution of control—We tend to dislike people if they were in control of negative behaviors, and if they weren’t in control, we tend to sympathize with them. a. The self-serving bias—you take credit for the positive and deny responsibility for the negative b. Overattribution—focusing on one or two characteristics of a person and attributing everything he or she does to these attributes; you almost always make a mistake when you select one factor and attribute everything to it. c. The fundamental attribution error—the tendency to overvalue the contribution of internal factors and undervalue the contribution of external factors .

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C. Increasing Accuracy in Impression Formation 1. Avoid processing errors 2. Analyze impressions 3. Check perceptions a. Perception checking—a way to reduce uncertainty and to make your perceptions more accurate b. You should describe what you see or hear and then seek confirmation.

Viewpoints: Impression Accuracy 4. Reduce uncertainty a. Observe other people b. Prepare for different situations c. Learn about different online groups before you engage d. Gather information by talking to others e. Interact with the individual Interpersonal Choice Point: Relationship Uncertainty 5. Beware the just-world hypothesis 6. Increase cultural sensitivity—recognizing and being sensitive to cultural differences The Cultural Map: Ambiguity Tolerance IV. Impression Management: Goals and Strategies A. Impression management refers to the processes we go through to communicate the image you want others to have of you.

B. To Be Liked: Affinity-Seeking and Politeness Strategies 1. Affinity-seeking strategies increase your chance of being liked. a. Strategies include being of help, appearing enthusiastic and dynamic, listening attentively, showing respect, and so on. b. This strategy, along with any of the others, can backfire and leave a negative impression.

2. Politeness strategies are used to make ourselves appear likeable, in terms of positive and negative types. a. Positive face—the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably b. Negative face—the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as we wish Interpersonal Choice Point: From Online to Face-to-Face

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C. To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies—seek to establish your competence, character, and charisma without being perceived as too eager Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Impression Management D. To Excuse Failure: Self-Handicapping Strategies—can set up barriers to make the task impossible E. To Secure Help: Self-Deprecating Strategies—confessions of incompetence and inability often bring assistance, but can backfire and others may see you as incompetent or lazy Viewpoints: Self-Deprecating Humor F. To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies—used to suppress the negative about ourselves, while striving to present a positive image G. To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies—used when you want people to see you as a leader; includes use of logic, stressing of similarity, stressing of agreement, and positive social proof Viewpoints: Accents H. To Confirm Self-Image: Imaging-Confirming Strategies—communicate to confirm your self-image

KEY TERMS affinity-seeking strategies affirmation attribution of control blind self consistency credibility fundamental attribution error halo effect hidden self image-confirming strategies impostor phenomenon impression formation impression management influencing strategies interpretation–evaluation negative face open self other-orientation overattribution perception perception checking

perceptual accentuation personality theory politeness strategies positive face primacy effect primacy–recency Pygmalion effect recall recency effect reverse halo effect (“horns” effect) rule of contrast rule of proximity rule of similarity schema schemata script selective attention selective exposure selective perception self-awareness self-concept .

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self-deprecating strategies self-destructive beliefs self-esteem self-fulfilling prophecy self-handicapping strategies

self-monitoring strategies self-serving bias unknown self

APPLICATIONS AND EXCERCISES 1. How Can You Attack Self-Defeating Drivers? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Another approach to unrealistic beliefs is to focus on what Pamela Butler (1981) calls “drivers,” beliefs that may motivate you to act in ways that are self-defeating. Because these drivers set unrealistically high standards, they make it impossible for you to accomplish the very things you feel are essential for approval by others and by yourself. Recognizing that you may have internalized such drivers is the first step to eliminating them. The second step involves recognizing that these drivers are in fact unrealistic and self-defeating. The third step is to substitute realistic and self-affirming beliefs for these self-defeating drivers. How would you rephrase each of these five drivers into realistic and productive beliefs?

•

The drive to be perfect impels you to try to perform at unrealistically high levels at work, school, and home; anything short of perfection is unacceptable.

•

The drive to be strong tells you that weakness and any of the more vulnerable emotions like sadness, compassion, or loneliness are wrong.

•

The drive to please others leads you to seek approval from others. You assume that if you gain the approval of others, then you’re a worthy and deserving person; if others disapprove of you, then you’re worthless and undeserving.

•

The drive to hurry up compels you to do things quickly, to do more than can be reasonably expected in any given amount of time.

•

The drive to try hard makes you take on more responsibilities than any one person can be expected to handle.

•

The drive to be well liked makes you focus more on how others perceive you than how you perceive yourself.

2. What Do You Have a Right to Know? (for small class) At what point in a relationship—if any—do you have the right to know the information listed in the first column? Record your feelings for romantic relationships in the second column and for friendship relationships in the third column. Use numbers from 1 to 10 to indicate at what point you would feel you have a right to know this information by visualizing a relationship as existing on a continuum from 1 to 10, with 1 being initial contact and 10 being extreme intimacy. If you feel you would never have the right to know this information, use 0.

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Romantic Relationship

Information

Friendship Relationship

HIV status History of family genetic disorders The existence and number of children the person has Past sexual experiences Marital history Annual salary, net worth Affectional orientation Race and nationality Religion and religiousness Social and political beliefs and attitudes In which type of relationship do you have the greater right to know? In which type of relationship is more information never another’s right to know (the 0s in your responses)? In which relationship does the right to know come earlier? Try formulating in one sentence exactly what you feel gives one person the right to know information about another person.

3. Disclosing Your Hidden Self (for small class) This experience is an extremely powerful one for exploring some of the dimensions of selfdisclosure and is based on a suggestion by Gerard Egan (1970). The procedure is simple: Write on an index card a statement of information that is currently in your hidden self (that is, currently undisclosed to all or most of the others in this class). Do not put your name on the card. The statements are dealt with anonymously. The cards should be collected and read aloud to the entire group.

No comments should be made as the cards are read; no indication of evaluation should be made.

The comments are to be dealt with in a totally supportive atmosphere. After the cards are read, you may wish to consider some or all of the following issues: •

What topics did the statements deal with? Are they generally the topics about which you also keep information hidden?

•

Why do you suppose this type of information is kept in the hidden self? What advantages might there be in keeping it hidden? What disadvantages?

•

How would you react to people who disclosed such statements to you? For example, what difference, if any, would these types of disclosures make in your closest interpersonal relationships?

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4. Weighing the Rewards and Dangers of Self-Disclosure (for small class, large lecture, or online course) You may wish to try out weighing the rewards and dangers of self-disclosure using the suggestions offered here and respond to the following brief cases. In making your decision, consider such questions as these: Will the self-disclosure help accomplish what the person wishes to accomplish? Is the self-disclosure appropriate? To the listener? To the speaker-listener relationship? (For example, in situation 5, Tom wants to disclose through social media. Is this appropriate?)

1. Rosa and Jim have been married for 12 years. Rosa has been honest about most things and has self-disclosed a great deal to Jim—about her past romantic encounters, her fears, her insecurities, her ambitions, and so on. Yet Jim doesn’t reciprocate. He almost never shares his feelings and has told Rosa almost nothing about his life before they met. Rosa wonders whether she should continue to self-disclose or whether she should begin to limit her disclosures.

2. Sara has been living in a romantic relationship with another woman for the past several years. Sara wants to tell her parents, with whom she has been very close throughout her life, but can’t seem to get up the courage to do so. She decides to tell them in a long email.

3. Jessica, a mother of two teenage children (one boy, one girl) has been feeling guilty for the past year over a romantic affair she had with her brother-in-law while her husband was stationed overseas. She and her husband have been divorced for the last few months. She wants to self-disclose this affair and her guilt to her children.

4. Martin, a college student, recently found out he is HIV positive. Although he has sought the support of various groups, he wonders if he should tell his parents. His parents are in their 60s and relatively uneducated; they know little about the problems associated with HIV infection. He wants to tell them, but he fears that they will be unable to deal effectively with the news. He also fears that they will reject him, perhaps out of fear, perhaps out of their belief that HIV is a disease that “good people” don’t get.

5. Tom wants to break off his engagement with Luca. Tom has fallen in love with another man and wants to end his relationship with Luca. Tom wants to contact Luca through a private message, break his engagement, and disclose his new relationship.

What are your reasons for your judgments? Which self-disclosure do you think will prove most effective? Least effective? Which disclosures seem appropriate to the receiver? Are the intended methods (email, social media) likely to prove effective? Will the self-disclosure help accomplish what the person wishes to accomplish?

5. Time for Self-Disclosure (for small class or large lecture) Self-disclosures occur throughout a relationship, but not always at what you may think is the right time. Some disclosures seem to occur too early and signal an intimacy in disclosure that is not echoed in the relationship. The disclosures seem prematurely and inappropriately intimate.

Some disclosures, on the other hand, occur too late; we feel we should have been told something .

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earlier and we resent not learning of this earlier. And, of course, some disclosures seem to occur at exactly the right time. This exercise explores the timeliness of self-disclosures.

Another way of looking at this exercise is from an ethical perspective, from the point of view of your right to know certain information about a person with whom you become relationally involved. At what point in the relationship do you have a right to know this type of information?

Listed below are 10 items of personal information. Next to each item indicate the stage at which you would expect the persons to disclose this type of information. Use X for any item you feel should not have been disclosed at any time. Use the following shorthand for those items you feel should be disclosed.

Cp Ci It Ii Iic Isb

= = = = = =

Contact (perceptual) Contact (interactional) Involvement (testing) Involvement (intensifying) Intimacy (interpersonal commitment) Intimacy (social bonding)

1. Correct age 2. History of family mental illness or genetic disorders 3. Relationship history (previous involvements, children) 4. Annual income, assets, and debts 5. Cultural background (race and nationality) and beliefs (for example, prejudices, ethnocentrism) 6. Sexual orientation and inclinations 7. Religion and religious beliefs 8. HIV status 9. Attitudes toward commitment, fidelity, relationship expectations 10. Political beliefs and attitudes After you have labeled all ten items, consider some or all of the following questions, alone, in groups, or with the class as a whole: •

Does age influence appropriateness? For example, are certain items important at 18 but unimportant at 50? Important at 50 but unimportant at 18?

•

Do men and women expect the same level of self-disclosure from their partners? If you have the opportunity, you may wish to compare your responses with others in your group or class. Are there noticeable sex differences?

•

Do men and women follow different norms or rules in self-disclosing? How would you state these rules?

•

In what kind of relationship would you expect self-disclosure to be highest? Lowest?

Heterosexual? Gay male? Lesbian? What reasons can you advance to support your prediction? How would you go about testing your prediction? .

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•

Does the future of the relationship (as envisioned by each person) influence the timing of self-disclosures?

•

Do cultures vary in the way their members disclose? What implications might these differences have for intercultural communication? For example, can you identify potential problems that different cultural time schedules for self-disclosure might create?

6. Perceiving Myself (for small class) The purpose of this exercise is to explore how you perceive yourself, how you think others perceive you, and how you would like to be perceived (ideally). In some instances and for some people, these three perceptions will be the same; in most cases and for most people, however, they will be different.

Following this brief introduction are nine lists of items (animals, birds, colors, communications media, dogs, drinks, sports, transportation, and music). Read over each list carefully, trying to look past the purely physical characteristics of the objects to their “personalities” or “psychological meanings.”

1. For each of the nine lists, indicate the one item that best represents how you perceive yourself—not your physical self, but your psychological and philosophical self. Mark these items MM (Myself to Me).

2. In each of the nine lists, select the one item that best represents how you feel others perceive you. By “others” is meant acquaintances—neither passing strangers nor close friends, but people you meet and talk with for some time—for example, people in this class. Mark these items MO (Myself to Others).

3. In each of the nine lists, select the one item that best represents how you would like to be. Put differently, what items would your ideal-self select? Mark these items MI (Myself as Ideal).

After all nine lists are marked three times, discuss your choices in groups of five or six in any way you feel is meaningful. Your objective is to get a better perspective on how your selfperception compares with both the perceptions of you by others and your own ideal perception.

In these discussions, state as clearly as possible why you selected the items you did and specifically what each selected item means to you at this time.

Welcome suggestions from group members as to why they think you selected the items you did.

You might also wish to integrate consideration of some or all of the following questions into your discussion: •

How different are the items marked MM from those marked MO? Why do you suppose this is so? Which is the more positive? Why?

•

How different are the items marked MM from those marked MI? Why do you suppose this is so?

•

What do the number of differences between the items marked MM and the items marked MI mean for personal happiness?

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•

How accurate were you in the items you marked MO? Ask members of the group which items they would have selected for you.

•

Would you show these forms to your best same-sex friend? Your best opposite-sex friend? Your parents? Your children? Explain.

Animals

Birds

Colors

___ bear

___ chicken

___ black

___ deer

___ eagle

___ blue

___ fox

___ ostrich

___ gray

___ lion

___ owl

___ pink

___ monkey

___ parrot

___ red

___ rabbit

___ swan

___ white

___ turtle

___ turkey

___ yellow

Communications Media

Dogs

Drinks

___ book

___ boxer

___ beer

___ film

___ Doberman

___ champagne

___Twitter

___ greyhound

___ milk

___ podcast

___ husky

___ prune juice

___ special delivery

___ mutt

___ water

___ telephone

___ poodle

___ wine

___ television

___ St. Bernard

___ hot chocolate

Sports

Transportation

Music

___ auto racing

___ bicycle

___ rap

___ baseball

___ plane

___ country/western

___ boxing

___ horse and wagon

___ folk

___ bullfighting

___ motorcycle

___ jazz

___ chess

___ Rolls-Royce

___ opera

___ ice skating

___ van

___ pop

___ tennis

___ Volkswagen

___ rock

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7. How Might You Perceive Others’ Perceptions? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Examine each of the following situations and indicate how each of the persons identified might view the situation. What one principle of perception can you derive from this brief experience?

•

Pat has extremely high standards and feels that getting all As in college is an absolute necessity and would be devastated with even one B. In fear of earning that first B (after three and a half years of college), Pat cheats on an examination in a Family Communication course and gets caught by the instructor.

Pat sees . . .

The instructor sees . . .

The average B– student sees . . .

•

Pat, a supervisor in an automobile factory, has been ordered to increase production or be fired. In desperation Pat gave a really tough message to the workers—many of whom were greatly insulted. As a result, workers started slowing down rather than increasing their efforts.

Pat sees . . .

The average worker sees . . .

Pat’s supervisor sees . . .

The average stockholder sees . . .

8. How Do You Make Attributions? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Think about how you would explain the following cases in terms of attribution theory. For example, do you think the individual’s behavior was due to internal causes—for example, personality characteristics, and traits or personal motives—or external causes—for example, the particular situation, the demands of others who might be in positions of authority, or the behaviors of others?

1. Mita’s performance in the race was disappointing. For the last few days she had to tend to her sick grandfather and got too little sleep.

2. Peter just quit his job. No one else that you know has quit this same job before.

3. Karla just failed her chemistry test. A number of other students (in fact, some 40 percent of the class) also failed the test. Karla has never failed a chemistry test before; in fact, she has never failed any other test in her life.

4. Juan earned a substantial income from real estate. His brother made the investment decisions for both of them.

5. Liz tasted the wine, rejected it, and complained to the waiter. No one else in the place complained about the wine. Liz has complained about the wine before and has frequently complained that her food was seasoned incorrectly, that the coffee was cold, and so on.

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6. Russell took the schoolchildren to the zoo. Russell works for the board of education in a small town, and taking the students on trips is one of his major functions. All people previously on the job have taken the students to the zoo. Russell has never taken any other children to the zoo.

7. John ran from the dog. A number of other people also ran from this dog. I was surprised to see John do this because he has never run from other animals before and never from this particular dog.

8. Donna received As on all her speeches. In fact, everyone in the class got As. This was the first A that Donna has ever received in public speaking and in fact, it’s the first A she has ever received in any course.

What information contained in the brief behavior descriptions enabled you to make judgments concerning (1) consensus, (2) consistency, (3) distinctiveness, and (4) controllability? What combination of these principles would lead you to conclude that the behavior was internally motivated? What combination would lead you to conclude that the behavior was externally motivated?

9. Barriers to Accurate Perception (for small class, large lecture, or online course) This exercise is designed to reinforce an understanding of the processes of perception. Read the following dialogue and identify the processes of perception that may be at work here.

CORAL:

All I had to do was to spend two seconds with him to know he’s an idiot. I said I went to Graceland and he asked what that was. Can you believe it? Graceland! The more I got to know him, the more I realized how stupid he was. A real loser; I mean, really.

CHRIS:

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, he is a jock, you know.

CORAL:

Jocks! The worst. And I bet I can guess who he goes out with. I’ll bet it’s Lucy.

CHRIS:

Why do you say that?

CORAL:

Well, I figure that the two people I dislike would like each other. And I figure you must dislike them too.

CHRIS:

Definitely.

CORAL:

By the way, have you ever met Marie? She’s a computer science major so you know she’s bright. And attractive—really attractive.

CHRIS:

Yes, I went out of my way to meet her, because she sounded like she’d be a nice person to know.

CORAL:

You’re right. I knew she’d be nice as soon as I saw her.

CHRIS:

We talked at yesterday’s meeting. She’s really complex, you know. I mean really complex. Really.

CORAL:

Whenever I think of Marie, I think of the time she helped that homeless man. .

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There was this homeless guy—real dirty—and he fell, running across the street.

Well, Marie ran right into the street and picked this guy up and practically carried him to the other side.

CHRIS:

And you know what I think of when I think of Lucy? The time she refused to visit her grandmother in the hospital. Remember? She said she had too many other things to do.

CORAL:

I remember that—it was really selfish. I mean really.

Seeing the processes of perception and especially the barriers to accurate perception operate in ourselves and in others with whom we interact is a lot more difficult. For the next several days, record all personal examples of the five barriers to accurate perception. Also record the specific context in which they occurred. Consider such questions as: What barrier seems most frequent?

What problems did the barrier cause? What advantages do you gain when you avoid making first impressions? When you avoid using implicit theories? When you avoid making prophecies?

When you avoid stereotyping? What disadvantages are there in avoiding these shortcuts to people perception?

10. Perspective Taking (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Taking the perspective of the other person and looking at the world through this perspective, this point of view, rather than through your own is crucial in achieving mutual understanding. For each of the specific behaviors listed below, identify specific circumstances that would lead to a positive perception and specific circumstances that might lead to a negative perception. The first one is done for you.

1. Giving a panhandler in the street a twenty-dollar bill.

Positive perception: Grace once had to beg to get money for food. She now shares all she has with those who are like she once was.

Negative perception: Grace is a first-class snob. She just wanted to impress her friends, to show them that she has so much money she can afford to give $20 to a total stranger.

2. Ignoring a person experiencing homelessness who asks for money.

3. A middle-aged man walking down the street with his arms around a teenage girl.

4. A mother refusing to admit her teenage son back into her house.

5. A person writing a negative review of a restaurant online.

The following should have been clear from this experience. Often, in perceiving a person, you may assume a specific set of circumstances and on this basis evaluate specific behaviors as positive or negative. Also, you may evaluate the very same specific behavior positively or negatively depending on the circumstances that you infer to be related to the behavior. Clearly, if you’re to understand the perspective of another person, you need to understand the reasons for their behaviors and need to resist defining circumstances from your own perspective.

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11. Show and Tell (for small class) Ask students to bring in ONE of their favorite cultural artifacts (for example, a magazine, an article of clothing, music lyrics, toy, religious symbol, or organizational symbol).

Students should be prepared to answer the following questions: •

How does this item relate to your self-concept?

•

Does it reflect positively or negatively on your self-concept?

•

What does it say about you?

•

How do you value this part of your self-concept? Why?

•

What does this item reflect about your culture’s values?

•

What other cultural items would reflect your self-concept?

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable each student in the class to critically encounter the self in light of his or her own experience and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report the group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

In what ways does your culture influence your self-concept? How much does your gender, age, race, or another attribute factor into this appraisal?

•

A culture tends to reward you to the extent you fulfill its teachings. How much do you live up to what the “perfect man” or “perfect woman” does? Do you think others would value you more or less if you acted, appeared, or thought differently? Why?

•

Share at least five of your positive attributes. Now ask each person in your small group to name at least two of your positive qualities.

•

Look through the textbooks that your small group members have in their backpacks, or collect some from class members, if necessary. Now, examine what impact the pictures in those textbooks might have on your self-esteem. Why? Why not?

•

What perceptions of your self have influenced your choice of career? Try to think of at least five, and be specific as possible.

•

Think of advertisements you’ve recently read, heard, or seen on TV or the Internet.

Which perceptual processes do they use to be appealing? Cite as many examples as possible.

•

What scripts govern your daily existence? Try to identify as many scripts as you can (for example, eating in the cafeteria of your dorm or going to this class). .

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•

How can you improve your perceptual process and accuracy in your studies? Try to compile a collective list of suggestions.

•

How do politicians use impression management strategies? Give specific examples of current politicians and the strategies they employ. Are they successful or unsuccessful?

•

How would the halo effect and the reverse halo effect impact the process of job interviewing?

•

Have you ever been inaccurate when attributing reasons behind another person’s behavior? Give examples. What could have been done to prevent the misunderstanding?

•

How do organizations have a culture? What slogans, traditions, and other artifacts make up the culture of an organization you are familiar with?

•

How does a person’s use of social media influence your perceptions about him or her?

Give examples.

2. Perceptual Tendencies (for small class) Take several provocative and complex magazine pictures to class or compile them in a slide deck to use in a virtual class. Each picture should portray a very different type of person, environment, mood, etc. Passing one picture at a time (or share on the screen), ask students to look closely at the picture for five seconds. You will need to keep time as pictures are passed/shown on screen.

Instruct students to refrain from reacting verbally or nonverbally as they look at each picture.

Ask the questions below for each picture. Students should jot down their answers individually before class discussion.

•

What specific details did you notice about the picture? (What concepts explain your perceptual tendencies?)

•

How would you characterize or categorize what you saw? (What personal schemata explain this?)

•

How would you evaluate what you saw? Was it good, bad, beautiful, ugly, etc.? How do your rules, schemata, and/or gender explain your evaluation?

•

Take a look at the list of perceptual processes in the text. How did these influence your perceptions?

Let students assume the exercise ended with those questions. Wait until the next class period to continue the exercise. Instruct the students to close their notebooks before you ask the following questions.

•

What do you remember about the pictures we looked at during our last class period?

(What explains your recall? How complete and accurate was your recall?)

•

Did you create memory shortcuts in this process?

•

What did you learn about your perceptual processes through this exercise? .

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3. Is What You See Really What You Get? (for small class) This fun game surprises students; its objective is to show people that they must keep their minds open in their perceptions of others.

Find pictures of people both famous and infamous for many different reasons. For example, successful photos used in the past include the following: •

Belle Gunness—a serial killer whose photographs make her appear like a prim and proper lady

•

Ted Bundy—a serial killer whose good looks helped lure his victims

•

Hedy Lamarr—a beautiful Hollywood actress whose publicity photos make her look anything but the genius whose invention formed the foundation for cell phone and satellite technology

•

Bill Bradley—photographed in his basketball uniform, the serious presidential candidate, senator, and Rhodes Scholar tests stereotypes of jocks

It’s good to find up to 10 photographs. Create a slide deck with the photographs. On the slide following each, write biographical information for each person, as well as why they were famous.

Write these questions in the deck: 1. What was the quality of the person’s ethical behavior?

2. How intelligent was the person?

3. How attractive was the person?

4. What do you think you know about this person?

5. Why was this person famous or infamous?

Hide the slides with the biographical information. Tell students that if they know who the person is, they are NOT to tell us. Give the students time to scroll through the deck, looking at the photos, and trying to guess as many of the above five questions as they can. After they’ve finished, ask the students how they answered the above five questions for each photograph.

Then, read the progressively revealing biographical information until you at last reveal the name.

At game’s end, summarize the proceedings. Point out that sometimes, we’re right in guessing someone’s character; sometimes we’re wrong. But that guess could be a fatal mistake, showing how important it is to keep our minds open in interpersonal perception.

4. Selective Perception (for small class) Bring several items into the classroom and arrange them in front without telling the students what you are doing. After taking attendance and making announcements, tell the students you are giving a quiz. Then, take away the objects and ask them to write down as many of them as they can remember. See who has the longest, most accurate lists. Debrief by asking students what made them remember certain things and forget others. Connect the exercise to the stages in the perception process.

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TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Arrested Development – This TV show depicts social comparisons, as the family tries to maintain their luxurious lifestyle.

•

The Breakfast Club – This film shows how society’s labels influence our self-concept—and how people can change when they form an in-group with ideas of its own.

•

Dexter – This TV show offers insights into the four selves identified by the Johari model.

•

Emma – This film shows how self-concept, self-awareness, and self-esteem can change when a person gains compassion for others.

•

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – This film shows the halo effect in full force.

•

Get Out – This film demonstrates self-monitoring and affinity-seeking strategies when the protagonist tries to get his girlfriend’s family to like him.

•

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – This film shows that first impressions can be wrong.

•

The King’s Speech – This film demonstrates self-destructive beliefs, as the main character believes he should already know how to speak properly, which makes him nervous and stutter.

•

Men in Black– This film offers a humorous exploration of the perceptual process. Several scenes explore a variety of the perceptual phenomena discussed in this chapter.

•

Nightcrawler – This film demonstrates influencing strategies.

•

Miss Congeniality – This film shows how stereotypes can operate in society.

•

Vanilla Sky – This film illustrates how the person you think you are influences what you think you can accomplish, what you actually do, and your view of relationships.

•

Cobra Kai – This show offers insight into the perceptual process as well as the influence of others on your own behavior and actions.

WRITING EXERCISES

Journal 3.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Understanding Rejection You’ve asked several different people at school for a date, but so far all you’ve received have been rejections. Something’s wrong; you’re not that bad. What might be a useful option for gaining insight into the possible reasons for these rejections?

Journal 3.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Reversing a First Impression You made a really bad first impression in your interpersonal communication class. You meant to be sarcastically funny but came off as merely sarcastic. What might you say to lessen the impact of this first impression?

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Journal 3.3: Interpersonal Choice Point – Relationship Uncertainty You’ve been dating someone casually over the last few months and want to take this to the next level. But you first want to find out if your partner feels the same way. You don’t want to be embarrassed by a refusal. What are some of the things you can do to reduce this relationship uncertainty?

Journal 3.4: Interpersonal Choice Point – From Online to Face-to-Face You’ve been communicating with Pat on one of the dating sites and you’ve finally decided to meet for coffee. You really want Pat to like you and perhaps to see you as a potential long-term romantic partner. What might you do to increase your likeability index?

Journal 3.5: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Impression Management You’re interviewing for a job you really want and need to be perceived as credible and likeable.

What are your ethical choices for presenting yourself as both credible and likeable?

Shared Writing: Testing Attraction You’ve become attracted to another classmate in your online class but don’t know if it’s mutual.

What might you do to discover if this attraction is mutual?

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CHAPTER FOUR: VERBAL MESSAGES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 4.1

Paraphrase the principles of verbal messages.

4.2

Distinguish between confirmation and disconfirmation; define racism, ageism, heterosexism, and sexism; and provide examples of appropriate cultural identifiers.

4.3

Explain the guidelines for achieving verbal message competence, for avoiding the major misuses of verbal language: intensional orientation, allness, fact–inference confusion, indiscrimination, polarization, and static evaluation.

CHAPTER SUMMARY As you communicate, you use two major signal systems—the verbal and the nonverbal. Verbal messages are those sent with words. The word verbal refers to words, not to orality; verbal messages consist of both oral and written words. Verbal messages do not include laughter; vocalized pauses you make when you speak, such as “er,” “um,” and “ah”; or responses you make to others that are oral but don’t involve words, such as “ha-ha,” “aha,” and “ugh!” These sounds are considered nonverbal—as are, of course, facial expressions, eye movements, gestures, and so on. This chapter focuses on verbal messages; the next focuses on nonverbal messages.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Principles of Verbal Messages—messages sent by words, both oral and written A. Messages Are Packaged—Verbal and nonverbal messages reinforce each other.

Viewpoints: Changing Communication Patterns B. Message Meanings Are in People 1. You don’t “receive” meaning, you create meaning.

2. No word or message means the same thing to two different people.

C. Meanings Are Denotative and Connotative 1. Denotation—the objective definition of a word, or a general or universal meaning; the dictionary definition of a word 2. Connotation—the subjective or emotional meaning of a word; a personal and less precise meaning

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a. Snarl words are highly negative. b. Purr words are highly positive.

D. Messages Vary in Abstraction—Most often, the least abstract term is the most effective, but there are times a more abstract word is preferable.

E. Messages May be Metacommunication, or communication about communication 1. An emoji in a text message or a qualifier to your own message (“I was joking.”).

2. Conversations about how you talk to each other.

3. Nonverbal communication, such as rolling your eyes.

F. Messages Vary in Politeness 1. We have two needs: the desire to be viewed positively by others and the desire to be autonomous.

2. Politeness allows others to maintain both positive and negative face. a. To help another maintain positive face, we speak respectfully to them. b. To help them maintain negative face, we request they do things rather than demand.

3. Indirect messages are seen as more polite, but may lack authority. a. Indirect messages can allow you to ask for compliments in a socially acceptable way. b. Women are often more indirect and polite than men.

The Cultural Map: High- and Low-Context Cultures 4. Inclusive messages include all people, while exclusive messages involve the use of in-group language to exclude an out-group member.

5. The Internet has specific rules of politeness, called netiquette or twittiquette.

Viewpoints: Politeness G. Messages Can be Onymous or Anonymous H. Messages Can Deceive 1. Lying is the act of sending messages with the intention of giving another person information you believe to be false; it requires reception by another person and it must be intentional.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Compassionate Lying

2. There are four types of lies. a. Prosocial deception: to achieve some good—These are lies that are designed to benefit the person lied to or about. i. Some lies are expected, and it would be impolite not to tell them. ii. It is the major type of lie children tell. .

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b. Self-enhancement deception: to make yourself look good—These can be impression-management techniques. c. Selfish deception: to protect yourself—These lies might hurt others, but they might also be used to protect the relationship. d. Antisocial deception: to harm someone—An example would be falsely accusing someone.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Lying

Viewpoints: Lying Reasons I. Messages Vary in Assertiveness Integrated Exercise: Communication Assertiveness 1. Assertive people are more positive and score lower on measures of hopelessness.

2. It varies according to culture, with more competitive cultures valuing it.

3. Analyze assertive communication—Learn the difference between assertive, aggressive, and nonassertive messages.

4. Rehearse assertive communications—Use desensitization techniques.

Viewpoints: Assertiveness and Leadership 5. Communicate assertively—Describe the problem, state how the problem affects you, propose workable solutions, and confirm understanding.

Understanding Interpersonal Skills: Metacommunication II. Confirmation and Disconfirmation A. Messages can confirm and disconfirm.

1. Disconfirmation—a communication pattern in which you ignore a person’s presence and his or her communication a. It can lead to a loss of self-esteem. b. It is not the same as rejection.

2. Confirmation—acknowledging the other person and accepting him or her a. It can lead to an increase of self-esteem and a reduction of apprehension in the classroom.

Viewpoints: Hate Speech B. Racism 1. Racist language—language that denigrates an ethnic or racial group 2. Racism can be both individual and institutional.

3. A microaggression is a more subtle and usually intentional insult that expresses deep-seated prejudice. Microaggressions can be directed at people because of their

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age, race, affectional orientation, or gender, and may be verbal, nonverbal, or environmental.

C. Ageism—prejudice against older people or prejudice against other age groups 1. It exists on an individual and institutional level.

2. Popular language has many examples of ageist language.

3. You should recognize and avoid illogical stereotypes, but do make adjustments when talking with someone who has a language or communication difficulty.

D. Heterosexism 1. Heterosexist language—language that disparages lesbians and gay men 2. Heterosexism can be both individual and institutional.

Viewpoints: Gay Homophobes Interpersonal Choice Point: Putting Your Foot in Your Mouth E. Sexism 1. It can be both individual and institutional.

2. Subtle forms include the attitudes, concerns, and expectations of parents.

Viewpoints: The Spread of Sexism F. Cultural Identifiers—preferred terms to use in talking to and about members of different groups Viewpoints: Negative Labels 1. Race, nationality, and religion a. African American is generally preferred by those Americans of African descent, but others may prefer the term Black. b. White is generally used to refer to those whose roots are in European cultures. c. Hispanic is used to refer to someone from a Spanish-speaking culture; Latina/Latino refers so someone from a Latin American country. d. Inuk (or plural, Inuit) is preferred to Eskimo. e. American Indian or Native American are generally preferred over Indian, although many Native Americans refer to themselves by their tribal identifications. f. Use Muslim instead of Moslem and Jewish people instead of Jew. g. People from Asia are Asians, people from Africa are Africans, and people from Europe are Europeans.

2. Affectional Orientation a. Gay is the preferred term for a man who has an affectional orientation toward other men. .

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b. Lesbian is the preferred term for a woman who has an affectional orientation toward other women. c. Queer is used by many gay and lesbian people but is not thought appropriate for use by others.

3. Age a. Older person is preferred to elderly, senior, or senior citizen.

4. Sex and gender a. Because of gender fluidity and non-binary genders, the pronouns he and she are not inclusive; they is a non-binary single pronoun. b. Avoid boy and girl, except in reference to young children. c. Ma’am may be offensive in some contexts. d. Address transgendered people as their self-identified sex. e. It’s always best to ask people their preferred pronouns.

III. Verbal Message Competence A. Extensionalize: Avoid Intensional Orientation 1. Intensional orientation—the tendency to view people, objects, and events in terms of how they are talked about or labeled rather than in terms of how they actually exist 2. Extensional orientation (the opposite of intensional orientation)—the tendency to look first at the actual people, objects, and events, and only then at the labels B. See the Individual: Avoid Allness 1. Allness—failing to recognize the world as infinitely complex; thinking you know all there is to know about something 2. An example of a nonallness attitude is reflected in a quote from British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli: “to be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step toward knowledge.”

3. End each statement mentally with an “et cetera.”

C. Distinguish Between Facts and Inferences: Avoid Fact–Inference Confusion 1. Fact–inference confusion—what happens when you act on inferences as if they were facts; a barrier to clear thinking 2. Factual statement—a statement about something you observe 3. Inferential statement—a statement that you make on the basis of what you observe plus your own conclusions Interpersonal Choice Point: Confronting a Lie Integrated Exercise: Distinguishing Fact from Inference D. Discriminate Among: Avoid Indiscrimination

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1. Indiscrimination—occurs when you focus on classes of individuals, objects, or events and fail to see the uniqueness of the individual 2. Everything is unique, and yet language provides common nouns, which lead you to group individuals into categories.

3. Use the extensional device called the index.

E. Talk about the Middle: Avoid Polarization 1. Polarization—the fallacy of “either-or”; the tendency to look at the world and describe it in terms of extremes 2. Polarization keeps us from thinking about all possibilities.

Integrated Exercise: Opposites F. Update Messages: Avoid Static Evaluation 1. Static evaluation—when you retain an evaluation of a person, despite the inevitable changes in the person 2. Use the extensional device called the date: mentally date your statements and your evaluations.

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KEY TERMS abstraction ageism ageist language allness anonymous messages assertiveness cisgender confirmation connotation cultural identifiers denotation disconfirmation extensional orientation fact–inference confusion gender fluidity heterosexist language indiscrimination

intensional orientation lying metacommunication microaggressions negative face non-binary onymous messages polarization politeness positive face racist language rejection sexist language static evaluation transgender verbal messages

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. How Do You Talk? As a Woman? As a Man? (for small class) Consider how you would respond in each of these situations if you were a typical woman or man.

1. A supervisor criticizes your poorly written report and says that it must be redone.

2. An associate at work tells you she may be HIV+ and is awaiting results of her blood tests.

3. You see two preteen neighborhood children fighting in the street; no other adults are around, and you worry that they may hurt themselves.

4. An elderly member of your family tells you that he has early-onset dementia.

5. A colleague confides that she was sexually harassed and doesn’t know what to do.

6. You’re fed up with a neighbor who acts decidedly unneighborly—playing the television at an extremely high volume, leaving barking dogs outside at all hours of the night, asking you to watch their two young children while they go shopping, and borrowing things they rarely remember to return.

7. A friend re-tweets a derogatory blog post.

Compare your responses with others and try to draw a profile of the following: a. The typical woman as seen by women .

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b. The typical woman as seen by men c. The typical man as seen by men d. The typical man as seen by women Consider the reasons for the profiles. For example, were the profiles drawn on the basis of actual experience? Popular stereotypes in the media? Evidence from research studies? How do these perceptions of the way women and men talk influence actual communication between women and men?

2. Thinking with E-Prime (for small class, large lecture, or online course) The expression E-prime (E′) refers here to the mathematical equation E – e = E′, where E = the English language and e = the verb to be. E′, therefore, stands for normal English without the verb to be. D. David Bourland, Jr. (1965–1966; Wilson 1989) argued that if you wrote and spoke without the verb to be, you’d describe events more accurately. [A symposium of 18 articles on Eprime appears in the summer 1992 issue of ETC.: A Review of General Semantics.]

The verb to be often suggests that qualities are in the person or thing rather than in the observer making the statement. It’s easy to forget that these statements are evaluative rather than purely descriptive. For example, when you say, “Johnny is a failure,” you imply that failure is somehow within Johnny instead of a part of someone’s evaluation of Johnny.

This type of thinking is especially important in making statements about yourself. When you say, for example, “I’m not good at mathematics,” “I’m unpopular,” or “I’m lazy,” you imply that these qualities are in you. But these are simply evaluations that may be incorrect or, if at least partly accurate, may change.

The verb to be implies a permanence that is simply not true of the world in which you live.

To appreciate further the difference between statements that use the verb to be and those that do not, try to rewrite the following sentences without using the verb to be in any of its forms—is, are, am, was, etc.

1. I’m a poor student.

2. They’re inconsiderate.

3. What is meaningful communication?

4. Is this valuable?

5. Happiness is a dry nose.

6. Love is a useless abstraction.

7. This website is meaningless.

8. Was the movie any good?

9. Dick and Jane are no longer children.

10. This class is great.

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3. “Must Lie” Situations (for small class) In an episode of Seinfeld, the group visits a friend who just had a baby, the ugliest baby anyone has ever seen. But everyone, of course, tells the parents the baby is beautiful, even breathtaking.

It’s a “must lie” situation, and the parents will never know that their baby is not only not beautiful, but downright ugly. Can you identify other “must lie” situations where lying seems the only socially acceptable response? Try recording these using the following chart: Liar. Who must lie?

Situation. What is the occasion that prompts the “must lie” situation?

Target. Who is the person who must be lied to?

Purpose. What is the purpose of the lie? What would happen if the truth were told? What does the liar hope to achieve by lying?

1.

1.

1.

1.

2.

2.

2.

2.

3.

3.

3.

3.

4.

4.

4.

4.

5.

5.

5.

5.

What ethical issues are involved in such situations? That is, can any of these lies be considered unethical? Can the failure to lie in any of these situations be considered unethical?

4. Climbing the Abstraction Ladder (for small class) The “abstraction ladder” is a device to illustrate the different levels of abstraction on which different terms exist. Notice that as you go from “animal” to “pampered white toy poodle” you’re going down in terms of abstraction—you’re getting more and more specific. As you get more specific, you more clearly communicate your own meanings and more easily direct the listener’s attention to what you wish. For each of the terms listed below, indicate at least four possible terms that indicate increasing specificity. The first example is done for you.

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Level 1

house

Level 2

Level 3

Level 4

Level 5

(more specific than 1)

(more specific than 2)

(more specific than 3)

(more specific than 4)

brick house

large brick house

brick mansion

governor’s mansion

desire car toy website sports

The general suggestion for effective communication is to use abstractions sparingly and to express your meanings specifically with words that are low in abstraction. However, are there situations when terms high in abstraction would be more effective than specific terms? How would you describe advertisements for cosmetics in terms of high and low abstraction?

Advertisements for cereals? Advertisements for cat and dog food? How would you describe a political campaign speaking in terms of abstraction?

5. Using the Abstraction Ladder as a Critical Thinking Tool (for small class or online course) To gain a different perspective on a question, vary its level of abstraction. For example, if your problem is “How can I write better progress reports?” you might gain a different perspective by asking questions at higher and lower levels of abstraction: Higher level of abstraction: How can I become a more effective writer?

Original question: How can I write better progress reports?

Lower level of abstraction: How can I write better openings for these reports?

Notice that the level of abstraction on which you phrase your question influences the answers you generate. The higher-level question focuses attention on improving writing in general; sentence length, organizational strategies, writing dialogue, and the like are possible directions this question suggests. The lower level question focuses attention on a more specific area and might suggest previewing summary recommendations, opening with questions, or identifying the objectives of the report. Try generating different perspectives by phrasing higher and lower level .

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abstractions for each of these questions: How can I become a better relationship partner? How can I become a better listener? How can I become more popular with my peers?

6. How Can You Vary Directness for Greatest Effectiveness? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Rephrase each of the following indirect statements into direct ones and then identify the advantages and the disadvantages of both the direct and the indirect versions.

•

I’m so bored; I have nothing to do tonight.

•

Do you feel like hamburgers tonight?

•

I’m wondering if I should ask for a raise?

•

No one seemed to like the movie.

7. Who? (for small class) The purpose of this exercise is to explore some of the verbal and nonverbal cues you give that others use in forming assumptions about you. The exercise should serve as a useful summary of the concepts and principles both of verbal and nonverbal communication and of perception.

The entire class should form a circle so that each member may see each other member without straining. In an online setting, this can be accomplished with cameras turned on. If members do not know each other’s names, some system of name tags should be used.

Each member should examine the following list of phrases and write in the column labeled “Who?” the name of one student to whom he or she feels each statement applies. Be certain to respond to all statements. Although one name may be used more than once, the experience will prove more effective if a wide variety of names are chosen. Unless the class is very small, no name should be used more than four times.

After each student has recorded the names for each statement, the following procedure may prove useful. The instructor or group leader selects a statement and asks someone specifically, or the class generally, what names were written down. (There is no need to tackle the statements in order.) Before the person whose name was selected is asked whether the phrase is correctly or incorrectly attributed to him or her, some or all of the following questions may be considered: 1. Why did you select the name you did? What was there about this person that led you to think that this phrase applied to him or her? What specific verbal or nonverbal cues led you to your conclusion?

2. Is your response at all a function of a stereotype you might have of this individual’s ethnic, religious, racial, or sexual identification? For example, how many women’s names were written next to the statements about the saws (statement 13)? How many men’s names were written for the statement on cooking (statement 3)?

3. Did anyone give off contradictory cues such that some cues were appropriate for a specific phrase and others were not? Explain these contradictory cues.

4. How accurate were the predictions? Why are some people easier to predict than others? .

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5. How do you communicate your “self” to others? How do you communicate what you know, think, feel, and do to your peers?

Who? 1.

Goes to the professional theater a few times a year.

2.

Has taken a vacation outside the country in the last 12 months.

3.

Likes to cook.

4.

Listens to podcasts on a fairly regular basis.

5.

Wants lots of children.

6.

Posts on Twitter at least once a day.

7.

Has been to an opera.

8.

Has lots of associations with people from different cultures.

9.

Has cried over a movie in the last few months.

10. Has many close friends.

11. Knows how potatoes should be planted.

12. Knows who Edward R. Murrow was.

13. Knows the differences among a hacksaw, a jigsaw, and a coping saw.

14. Knows the ingredients for a Bloody Mary.

15. Knows the function of the spleen.

16. Knows what an armoire is.

17. Can name all 12 signs of the zodiac.

18. Has a car in his or her immediate family costing over $40,000.

19. Is frequently infatuated (or in love).

20. Would like, perhaps secretly, to be a TikTok star.

21. Knows the legal status of Puerto Rico.

22. Has his or her own blog.

23. Knows what NAFTA stands for.

24. Knows what “prime rate” means and approximately how much it is today.

25. Is very religious.

26. Would describe himself or herself as a political activist.

27. Would vote in favor of gay rights legislation.

28. Is going to make a significant contribution to society.

29. Is going to be a millionaire.

30. Would emerge as a leader in a small-group situation. .

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8. Analyzing Assertiveness (for small class or online course) Read each of the following five situations. Consider all or some of the following questions, either individually, in small groups, or with the class as a whole: 1. How might an aggressive, a nonassertive, and an assertive person deal with each of these situations?

2. What obstacles might you anticipate if you chose to respond assertively?

3. What suggestions might you offer the person who wants to respond assertively but is having difficulty putting the principles into practice?

Cheating on an Examination. You and another student turn in examination papers that are too similar to be the result of mere coincidence. The instructor accuses you of cheating by allowing the student behind you to copy your answers. You were not aware that anyone saw your paper.

Decorating Your Apartment. You have just redecorated your apartment, expending considerable time and money in making it exactly as you want it. A good friend of yours brings you a housewarming gift—the ugliest poster you have ever seen. Your friend insists that you hang it over your fireplace, the focal point of your living room.

Borrowing Money. A friend borrows $30 and promises to pay you back tomorrow. But tomorrow passes, as do 20 other tomorrows, and there is no sign of the money. You know that the person has not forgotten about it, and you also know that the person has more than enough money to pay you back.

Cyberbullying. A former friend or partner has been posting false, derogatory information about you on social media. You want to find a way to stop the behavior before a coworker sees it and it affects your job.

Sexual Harassment. Your supervisor at work has been coming on to you and has asked repeatedly to go out with you. You have refused each time. Brushing up against you, touching you in passing, and staring at you in a sexual way are common occurrences. You have no romantic interest in your supervisor and simply want to do your job, free from this type of harassment.

9. On a Role (for small class) Divide the class into as many groups as necessary to create role-plays demonstrating ineffective and effective communication using some of the concepts in the text. The role-plays should be as realistic and well-acted as possible, and they should be three to five minutes long. Subjects can include some of the following: •

Disconfirmation vs. confirmation

•

Excluding talk vs. inclusion

•

Cultural identifiers

•

Racist, sexist, ageist, and heterosexist communication

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•

Polarization

•

Fact–inference confusion

•

Metacommunication

10. You Are What You Read? (for small class) Bring a number of popular magazines to class or supply the link to a list of popular magazine websites in an online class and split students into dyads in class or in breakout rooms online. Tell each dyad to seek examples of the concepts in this chapter—for example, fact–inference confusion—in the stories or advertisements in each magazine. Give them ten minutes to work. At the end of this time, each group should read its “favorite” examples to the class—perhaps funny, outrageous, or particularly clear-cut instances of the theories they’ve just read about. Suggested magazines include the following: Cosmopolitan

Ebony

Latina

Newsweek

Parenting

People

Rolling Stone

Sports Illustrated

Time

Town and Country

Then, ask your students: To what extent do you think the authors of these words are aware of the messages they’re sending? What impact do such words have on your beliefs or the beliefs of others?

11. Assertiveness in Practice (for small class) Break the students into groups and give them one of the following scenarios: 1. You have ordered a medium-well steak and the server brings it medium-rare.

2. You have received a C on a paper but think you deserve better and decide to talk to the instructor.

3. You are trying to back out of your driveway, but your neighbor has parked his or her car too close to your driveway. You need the car moved.

4. You are eating lunch and someone is smoking right next to you, in a nonsmoking area.

Next, ask them to formulate an assertive response to the situation and act it out in front of the class. For contrast, you can also ask them to form an aggressive response and a nonassertive response to act out. The class can then evaluate the effectiveness of each.

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DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable each student in the class to critically encounter verbal messages in light of his or her own experience and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report the group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Give examples of polarized adages you hear every day (e.g., “You’re either for us or against us.”).

•

Can you identify advertisements with racist, sexist, ageist, or heterosexist messages?

Explain.

•

Think of examples of words whose denotations and/or connotations have changed over recent decades (e.g., “gay”).

•

Give examples of static evaluation in your life—for example, when you return home to live with your parents for vacations, or how classmates have changed since the last class reunion or since you graduated.

•

Have you noticed evidence of ageism in your classes or at work? What was said and how did you react? How can it be eliminated?

•

What cultural identifiers do you read when interacting with friends, family, and coworkers on social media? What can you do to diminish their use in society?

•

Do you ever use in-group language with your family, friends, or coworkers? What are some examples and how can it exclude others?

•

How can you distinguish between facts and inferences when listening to political messages?

2. TV Universals (for small class or large lecture) Access an episode of a popular sitcom online. Watch it with the students and try to answer the questions below about ideas from the text: •

How do the characters create individual meanings for words?

•

How is meaning interactive?

•

What denotative and connotative meanings exist?

•

How are messages packaged?

•

What rules govern the verbal and nonverbal interaction? Do characters follow or violate the rules?

•

Can you find examples of messages that are abstract or concrete? Do abstract messages create misunderstanding? .

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•

Do characters use direct or indirect messages?

3. Old Words, New Words (for small class) As you brainstorm “old words” and “new words,” you can recognize some dynamics of language. In small groups, discuss each category of the experience, adding to the list as you recall additional words for the categories. Answer the probes for each category.

Give the students this background; it may be helpful to write these questions and examples on the board, so you can remember—not duplicate—them.

•

Here are examples of words that have become well known to the average American during the last ten years: offshoring, flextime, smartphone, and selfie.

•

These words have significantly changed in meaning during the last few decades: queer, shuttle, digital, asylum, and surrogate.

•

These slang words have passed in and out of fashion through the last few decades: nerd, geek, lit, turnt, savage, got your back, gross, cool, and freak.

•

Following are examples of ambiguous language, words with more than one meaning: runner, screen, briefs, back, out, fine, log, fair, and terminal.

Ask the students to provide: 1. Words that have become well-known to the average American during the last ten years Probes: Why have these words come into common usage? Do we become aware of words that label ideas and things that affect our lives?

2. Words that have significantly changed in meaning Probes: How have these terms changed? Have they become more positive? Less positive? Did their meanings become broader? Narrower?

3. Teen slang Probes: Why do teenagers “invent” words? Do other groups have specialized language?

Why? 4. Ambiguous language Probes: What problems can ambiguous language cause? How can you clarify ambiguous language?

4. Snarl Words and Purr Words (for small class or large lecture) Show a talk show or a court TV show in class. Notice the way the guests on the shows talk to one another.

1. Ask the students to point out the snarl and purr words used.

2. What impact do these words have on the recipients?

3. How do we “unlearn” to use snarl words? .

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TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Birdcage – This film begins with and revolves around the premise of polarization, but issues of racism, sexism, and heterosexism also are woven through the movie.

•

The Blacklist – This TV show can start a discussion of polarization, as the characters struggle with the tendency to look at others as only good or bad, rather than seeing the middle ground.

•

Chicago – This film is a musical that marries verbal and nonverbal expression to convey plot, emotion, and ambiance.

•

Forrest Gump – This film depicts the art of confirmation and honest appraisal in Forrest Gump’s mother’s dealings with her son.

•

Gossip Girl – This TV show can provide a discussion of netiquette, particularly regarding the use of blogs. It also can start a discussion of anonymity.

•

The Invention of Lying – This film can provide a discussion of the various types of lies.

•

A League of Their Own – This film shows a baseball team that happens to be populated by females, and displays the influences of sexism.

•

The Miracle Worker – This film depicts deaf and blind Helen Keller learning how to make her thoughts known to others by signing. It depicts the crucial role that communication plays in making us truly functional members of society.

•

Remember the Titans – This film features nonverbal messages that underscore verbal messages, thus conveying racial tensions during the desegregation of a school district in northern Virginia in the early 1970s.

•

Zoolander – This film relies on exaggeration of nonverbal and verbal messages to make its audience laugh.

•

Woke – This TV show focuses on racial identity and culture within the Black community in America. Examples of microaggressions.

WRITING EXERCISES

Journal 4.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Compassionate Lying Your friend is very upset over a recent breakup and wants to patch things up and so asks to borrow your car. You don’t think your friend is in any position to drive. What might you say to refuse this request—a request you’ve always complied with on previous occasions?

Journal 4.2: Ethical Choice Points - The Ethics of Lying • Is it ethical to lie to get what you deserve but can’t get any other way? For example, would you lie to get a well-earned promotion or raise? Would it matter if you hurt a colleague’s chances of advancement in the process?

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• Is it ethical to lie to your relationship partner to avoid a conflict and perhaps splitting up?

In this situation, would it be ethical to lie if the issue was a minor one (you were late for an appointment because you wanted to see the end of the football game) or a major one (say, continued infidelity)?

• Is it ethical to lie to get yourself out of an unpleasant situation? For example, would you lie to get out of an unwanted date, an extra office chore, or a boring conversation?

• Is it ethical to lie about the reasons for breaking up a relationship to make it easier for you and the other person? For example, would you conceal that you’ve fallen in love with another person (or that you’re simply bored with the relationship or that the physical attraction is gone) in your breakup speech?

• Is it ethical to exaggerate the consequences of an act in order to discourage it? For example, would you lie about the effects of marijuana in order to prevent your children from using it?

• Is it ethical to lie about yourself in order to appear more appealing—for example, saying you were younger or richer or more honest than you really are? For example, would you lie in your profile on a dating website to increase your chances of meeting someone really special?

Journal 4.3: Interpersonal Choice Point - Putting Your Foot in Your Mouth During a discussion in class, you make some remarks you thought were funny but that you soon discovered were considered homophobic and that clearly violated the classroom norms for polite and unbiased talk. What might you say to make this situation a little less awkward?

Journal 4.4: Interpersonal Choice Point - Confronting a Lie You ask about the previous night’s whereabouts of your romantic partner of two years and are told something that you’re convinced is false. You don’t want to break up the relationship over this, but you do want your partner to be truthful and you want an opportunity to resolve the problems that contributed to this situation. What might you say to achieve your purposes?

Shared Writing: Truthfulness Is it always necessary (and always ethical) to tell the truth? What situations have you been a part of where lying was the more effective choice?

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CHAPTER FIVE: NONVERBAL MESSAGES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 5.1

Explain the principles of nonverbal messages.

5.2

Explain the channels through which nonverbal messages are sent and received.

5.3

Identify the competencies for effectively encoding and decoding nonverbal messages.

CHAPTER SUMMARY You communicate nonverbally when you gesture, smile or frown, widen your eyes, move your chair closer to someone, wear jewelry, touch someone, raise your vocal volume, or even when you say nothing. The crucial aspect of nonverbal communication is that the message you send is in some way received by one or more other people. If you gesture while alone in your room and no one is there to see you, then, most theorists would argue, communication has not taken place. The same, of course, is true of verbal messages: If you recite a speech and no one hears it, then interpersonal communication has not taken place.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Principles of Nonverbal Communication A. Nonverbal communication—communication without words B. Nonverbal Messages Interact with Verbal Messages 1. Accent—emphasize some part of the verbal message 2. Complement—add nuances of meaning 3. Contradict—deliberately contradict your verbal message 4. Control—alter flow of verbal messages 5. Repeat—restate the verbal message 6. Substitute—replace verbal messages 7. The emoticon or smiley, and emoji are symbols that communicate through a keyboard the nuances of the message normally conveyed by nonverbal expression.

C. Nonverbal Messages Help Manage Impressions 1. To be liked 2. To be believed .

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3. To excuse failure 4. To secure help 5. To hide faults 6. To be followed 7. To confirm your self-image and to communicate it to others D. Nonverbal Messages Create Immediacy 1. Immediacy is the creation of closeness that conveys interest and attention.

2. People like people who communicate immediacy.

E. Nonverbal Messages Help Form Relationships Viewpoints: Greetings F. Nonverbal Messages Structure Conversation Interpersonal Choice Point: Smiling to Bad Effect G. Nonverbal Messages Can Influence and Deceive 1. You can influence through verbals and nonverbals.

2. Gesturing helps reinforce messaging and memory.

3. Signs of deception may be avoidance of eye contact, fidgeting, or an inconsistency between verbal and nonverbal messages.

4. Lie detection is less accurate in long-standing relationships because there is a truth bias: You assume the person is telling the truth.

5. In places where lying is more common, there may be a deception bias, in which the assumption is that what you are hearing is a lie.

H. Nonverbal Messages Are Crucial for Expressing Emotions II. Channels of Nonverbal Communication A. Body Messages 1. Kinesics – the study of communication through body movement.

2. There are five types of body gestures. a. Emblems—substitute for words such as “okay” or “peace” b. Illustrators—accompany and literally illustrate verbal messages c. Affect displays—movements of the face that convey emotional meaning d. Regulators—monitor, maintain, or control the speaking of another individual e. Adaptors—satisfy some need and are usually unintentional; include selfadaptors, alter-adaptors, and object-adaptors 3. Gestures and cultures—There are many variations across cultures.

4. Body appearance—communication that does not involve movement, including body .

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build, height, hair color, etc.

Integrated Exercise: Height B. Facial Communication 1. Facial movements alone convey pleasantness, agreement, and sympathy.

Viewpoints: Stereotypes 2. The smile a. The Duchenne smile is your real, genuine smile. b. The fake smile is conscious.

Viewpoints: Smiling and Trust 3. Facial management—enables you to achieve the effect you want a. Intensify—to exaggerate a feeling b. Deintensify—to underplay a feeling c. Neutralize—to hide a feeling d. Mask—to show an emotion to cover up another one e. Simulate—to express an emotion you don’t feel Integrated Exercise: Facial Management Techniques 4. Facial feedback hypothesis—your facial expressions influence your physiological arousal 5. Culture and facial communication a. Variations in facial communication reflect a culture’s publicly permissible reactions. b. Cultural display rules—rules about the appropriate display of emotions in public C. Eye Communication 1. Oculesics—study of messages communicated by the eyes, which vary in duration, direction, and quality of the eye behavior 2. Eye contact has several functions. a. To monitor feedback b. To secure attention c. To regulate the conversation d. To signal the nature of the relationship e. To signal status f. To compensate for physical distance 3. Eye avoidance

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a. Civil inattention—averting your glance to allow others to maintain their privacy b. Eye avoidance can signal lack of interest or hide unpleasantness, even if it is auditory.

4. Pupil dilation—Pupillometrics suggests that dilated pupils are judged more attractive than constricted ones are.

5. Culture and eye communication—Eye messages vary with both culture and gender.

Viewpoints: Gender Differences D. Touch Communication 1. Haptics or tactile communication is communication by touch.

2. The meanings of touch: a. Emotions b. Playfulness c. Control d. Ritual e. Task-related 3. Touch avoidance—positively related to communication apprehension 4. Culture and touch—Members of noncontact cultures maintain greater distance in their interactions.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Touching E. Paralanguage—the vocal but nonverbal dimension of speech 1. It includes stress, rate, volume, vocalizations, and pitch.

2. When listening to people’s paralanguage, we make evaluations of what kind of people they are.

3. Speech rate is related to persuasiveness.

4. Culture and paralanguage—There are differences in individualist and collectivist cultures.

F. Silence 1. Silence communicates just as intensely as anything you vocalize.

2. Silence has several communication functions. a. To provide time to think b. To hurt c. To respond to personal anxiety d. To prevent communication e. To communicate emotions .

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f. To achieve specific effects Viewpoints: Nonverbal Communication and Ethics 3. The spiral of silence theory argues that you are more likely to voice agreement than disagreement.

4. Culture and silence—Some cultures view it positively and others view it negatively.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Silence G. Spatial Messages and Territoriality 1. According to Hall, proxemics is the study of spatial communication.

2. Proxemics distances—the distance we maintain between each other in our interactions a. Intimate distance—touching to 18 inches; used for lovemaking, comforting, and protecting b. Personal distance—18 inches to 4 feet; allows you to stay protected and untouched c. Social distance—4 to 12 feet; lose visual detail d. Public distance—12 to more than 25 feet; causes you to see others as part of the setting 3. Theories about space a. Protection theory—establish body buffer zone around yourself as protection against unwanted touching or attack b. Equilibrium theory—intimacy and interpersonal distance vary together c. Expectancy violations theory—when expectancies for distance are violated, you try to explain to yourself why this violation occurred 4. Territoriality—the possessive reaction to an area or to particular objects a. There are three types of territory. i. Primary (home) territories are yours alone, such as your room or your desk. ii. Secondary territories are associated with you, such as your neighborhood or the seat you choose in this classroom. iii. Public territories belong to all people, such as a city park. b. Home field advantage—In their own home or office, people take on leadership roles. c. Markers indicate appropriation of space. i. Central markers—items reserving a place for you ii. Boundary markers—divide your territory from that of others iii. Ear markers—identifying marks indicating your possession of a territory or .

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object d. Territorial encroachment—unwritten law granting the right of invasion by higher status individuals, but not vice versa. i. Withdrawal—leave the scene ii. Turf defense—defend or start a fight iii. Insulation—erect barriers iv. Linguistic collusion—speaking in a language that excludes the “invaders” Viewpoints: Pygmalion Gifting H. Artifactual Communication—messages conveyed by objects made by human hands 1. Space decoration 2. Color communication 3. Clothing and jewelry—serve as cultural displays Viewpoints: Dress Implications Viewpoints: Artifactual Messages 4. Tattoos and rings Viewpoints: The Influence of Artifacts I. Olfactory Messages 1. Olfactory communication (olfactics) is important in such fields as aromatherapy.

2. There are several functions: a. To attract others b. To aid taste c. To aid memory d. To create an image J. Temporal Communication 1. Chronemics—the use of time 2. Psychological time Integrated Exercise: Time Orientation a. Past orientation—reverence to the past; reliving old times and regarding old methods b. Present orientation—live in the present for the present c. Future orientation—primary attention to the future by saving, working hard in college, saving for retirement, and so on d. Psychological time is influenced by socioeconomic status and your personal .

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experiences.

3. Interpersonal time refers to a wide variety of time-related elements that figure into interpersonal interactions. a. Punctuality—being on time for a variety of occasions b. Wait time—the amount of time it’s considered appropriate to wait for someone c. Duration—the length of time that a particular interaction will take d. Talk time—who initiates and who terminates a conversation, who talks more, who selects and directs the topics for discussion e. Work time—the time schedule of your working life f. Relationship time—the time one gives or should give to the various people with whom he or she has a relationship g. Response time—the time it takes you to respond The Cultural Map: Long-Term Versus Short-Term Orientation 4. Cultural time a. Monochronic time orientation—schedule one thing at a time; time is compartmentalized b. Polychronic time orientation—schedule multiple things at one time c. Formal time—seconds, minutes, days, years, etc. d. Informal time—forever, right away, soon, etc. e. The social clock is a time schedule for the right time to do various important things.

Viewpoints: Time Management III. Nonverbal Communication Competence A. Encoding Skills 1. Identify choices.

2. Be consistent.

3. Self-monitor.

4. Avoid extremes and monotony.

5. Analyze the situation.

6. Maintain eye contact with the speaker.

7. Avoid certain adaptors in public.

8. Avoid strong cologne or perfume.

9. Be careful with touching.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Dealing with Unpleasant Nonverbals .

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Viewpoints: Nonverbal Skills B. Decoding Skills 1. Be tentative.

2. Mindfully seek alternatives when making judgments.

3. See messages as multi-channeled.

4. Consider the possibility that you are incorrect.

5. Interpret your judgments and conclusions against a cultural context.

6. Consider the multitude of factors.

7. Measure behaviors against a baseline.

KEY TERMS adaptors affect displays artifactual communication boundary markers central marker chronemics civil inattention color communication cultural display cultural display rules deception bias Duchenne smile ear marker emblems emoji emoticon equilibrium theory expectancy violations theory eye avoidance eye communication facial feedback hypothesis formal time haptics home field advantage home territories illustrators immediacy informal time insulation

interpersonal time intimate distance kinesics linguistic collusion markers monochronic time orientation nonverbal communication oculesics olfactory communication paralanguage personal distance polychronic time orientation primary territories protection theory proxemic distances proxemics psychological time public distance public territories rate regulators secondary territories silence smiley social distance spiral of silence tactile communication temporal communication territorial encroachment .

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territoriality touch avoidance truth bias turf defense

volume withdrawal

APPLICATION AND EXERCISES 1. Integrating Verbal and Nonverbal Messages (for small class or online course) Think about how you integrate verbal and nonverbal messages in your own everyday communication. Try reading each of the following statements and describing (rather than acting out) the nonverbal messages that you would use in making these statements in normal conversation.

1. I couldn’t agree with you more.

2. Absolutely not, I don’t agree.

3. Hurry up; we’re an hour late already.

4. You look really depressed. What happened?

5. I’m really anxious about the test in my next class.

6. Life is great, isn’t it? I just got the job of a lifetime.

7. I feel so relaxed and satisfied.

8. I’m feeling sick; I feel I have to throw up.

9. You look fantastic; what did you do to yourself?

10. Did you see that accident yesterday?

This experience was probably a lot more difficult than it seemed at first. The reason is that we’re generally unaware of the nonverbal movements we make; often they function below the level of conscious awareness. What values might there be to bringing these processes to consciousness?

Can you identify any problems with this?

2. Facial Expressions (for small class) The objective of this exercise is to gain a greater understanding of the role of facial features in communicating different emotions. Draw faces—depicting only eyebrows, eyes, and mouth—to illustrate the primary emotions: happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust, contempt, and interest. Write a verbal description of how one would facially express each of these emotions.

Compare your faces and descriptions with those done by others. What do the several faces for each emotion have in common? How do they differ? What do the verbal descriptions have in common? How do they differ?

3. Eye Contact (for small class)

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Form dyads and talk about any topic of mutual interest (e.g., sports, film, or politics). For the first two minutes, the conversation should be conducted without any special rules. At an agreedupon signal, eye–face contact is to cease. The conversation should continue for another two minutes, as before, ideally without interruption. At another signal, focused eye-to-eye contact is to be established. Each person is to maintain direct focused eye contact for two minutes and continue the conversation. At another signal, the participants should return to their customary means of communication for the final two minutes. Each person should share her or his feelings during the four periods: 1. Normal interaction situation 2. No-eye-contact situation 3. Focused eye contact 4. Normal situation but with heightened awareness and perhaps some awkwardness carried over from the two periods of abnormal interaction What influences do changes in eye contact have on such variables as: •

Fluency, nonfluency, and silence

•

General body movements, especially of the head, hands, and legs

•

Comfort or discomfort

•

Interest in the other person and in the conversation

•

Time perception (Did some eye-contact situations seem longer than others?)

What suggestions for effective interpersonal interaction might we derive from this brief experience?

4. The Meanings of Color (for small class) This exercise raises questions about the meanings colors communicate and focuses on the ways advertisers and marketers use colors to influence your perception of a product.

Assume that you are working for an advertising agency and that your task is to select colors for the objects in the following list. For each object, select the major color as well as any secondary colors you would use in its packaging.

Objects

Major Color

Coffee can for rich Colombian coffee A children’s cereal An especially rich ice cream

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Secondary Colors

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Expensive, freshly squeezed orange juice Packaging for upscale jewelry store Gluten-free TV dinners Microwave popcorn Shampoo for adding pink to your hair Liquid detergent for heavyduty washing A textbook in interpersonal communication After each person has recorded his or her decisions, discuss them in small groups of five or six, or with the class as a whole. You may find it helpful to consider the following questions: 1. What meanings did you wish to communicate for each of the objects?

2. How much agreement is there among the group members that these meanings are the appropriate ones for these products?

3. How much agreement is there among the group members on the meanings that different colors communicate?

4. How effectively do the colors selected communicate the desired meanings?

5. Pool the insights of all group members and recolor the products. Are these group designs superior to those developed individually? If a number of groups are working on this project at the same time, it may be interesting to compare the final group colors for each of the products.

5. Communicating Emotions Nonverbally (for small class, large lecture, or online course) This exercise has several parts and asks you to explore the various channels of nonverbal communication discussed here in different ways.

The objective of this first exercise is to gain a greater understanding of the role of nonverbal channels in communicating emotions. Using any nonverbal channels you wish, communicate these primary emotions: happiness, surprise, fear, anger, sadness, disgust, contempt, and interest.

In a small group discussion, brief talk, email, or brief paper, describe the nonverbals you would use in communicating any one of these emotions. Consider as many of the ten channels discussed here as possible.

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6. Praising and Criticizing (for small class or online course) Consider how paralanguage variations can communicate praise and criticism by reading each of the following ten statements, first to communicate praise and second, criticism. Then consider which paralanguage cues you used to communicate the praise and criticism. Although this exercise focused on paralanguage, did you also read the statements with different facial expressions, eye movements, and body postures?

1.

Now that looks good on you.

2.

You lost weight.

3.

You look younger than that.

4.

You’re gonna make it.

5.

That was some meal.

6.

You really know yourself.

7.

You’re an expert.

8.

You’re so sensitive. I’m amazed.

9.

Your parents are really something.

10.

Are you ready? Already?

7. Breaking the Rules (for small class) Divide the class into groups of four or five. Instruct them to create a list of nonverbal rules for behavior in the United States. When a thorough list is compiled, instruct students to choose TWO rules to break over the next 24 hours. Student should try not to reveal their task during the rule breaking. However, they must debrief their “victims” after the rule breaking.

Students will love completing and sharing this exercise. To ensure completion, a one-page description of the experience could be required. The following questions can be used to stimulate class discussion: •

Was it difficult for you to break the rules? What type of rule did you choose? Why? How did you feel while rule-breaking?

•

How did your “victims” react to your rule breaking? Were you surprised by the reaction?

•

What did you learn about nonverbal rules for interpersonal behavior?

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable each student in the class to critically encounter the concepts behind nonverbal communication in light of his or her own experience and beliefs. .

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Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report the group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Look around the classroom in which you’re sitting or consider the online learning space. Regarding its nonverbal properties, how does it facilitate your learning?

•

How mindful are you about the way you dress, wear your hair, or do your makeup?

What messages are you intentionally sending? To what extent do the people in your group receive your message accurately?

•

Think about your dorm room, apartment, or house. How do you decorate it? What messages are you intentionally trying to send?

•

Have you ever received on-the-job training regarding helpful nonverbal behaviors? (For example, servers are often instructed to touch restaurant patrons lightly on the elbow or arm so they’ll get a bigger tip.)

•

How has the COVID pandemic’s limits on nonverbal communication (masking, no touching) impacted your own communication effectiveness? What verbal communication principles might you be able to use to offset some of the effects?

•

What do you think about tattoos and body piercings? If you have one or both, why did you get them? Do you regret it? What do you want to communicate with them?

•

Has your territory ever been violated in class by someone taking your seat? How did you react? Have you ever taken someone else’s seat?

•

Have you ever had a conflict with someone because you two had a different view of informal time? What happened?

•

How do you communicate nonverbally on your social media profiles? What are your goals when choosing these nonverbal messages?

2. Artifacts and Culture: The Case of Gifts (for small class or large lecture) An aspect of artifactual communication that’s frequently overlooked is the giving of gifts, a practice in which rules and customs vary according to each culture. Here are a few situations where gift giving backfired and created barriers rather than bonds. These few examples should serve to illustrate the wide variations that exist among cultures in the meaning given to artifacts and in the seemingly simple process of giving gifts (Axtell 1990a; Dresser, 1996; Smith, 2002).

What might have gone wrong in each of these situations?

1. You bring chrysanthemums to a Belgian colleague and a clock to a Chinese colleague.

Both react negatively.

2. Upon meeting an Arab businessman for the first time—someone with whom you wish to do considerable business—you present him with a gift. He seems to become disturbed. To smooth things over, when you go to visit him and his family in Oman, you bring a bottle of your favorite brandy for after dinner. Your host seems even more disturbed now. .

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3. Arriving for dinner at the home of a Kenyan colleague, you present flowers as a dinner gift. Your host accepts them politely but looks puzzled. The next evening you visit your Swiss colleague and bring 14 red roses. Your host accepts them politely but looks strangely at you. Figuring that the red got you in trouble, on your third evening out you bring yellow roses to your Iranian friend. Again, there was a similar reaction.

4. You give your Chinese friend a set of dinner knives as a gift but she doesn’t open it in front of you; you are offended. After she opens it, she gets offended.

5. You bring your Mexican friend a statue of an elephant drinking water from a lake. Your friend says he cannot accept it; his expressions tell you he really doesn’t want it.

6. You bring a gift to a Chinese colleague wrapped in a blue box with a white ribbon.

Your colleague looks puzzled.

Possible reasons: 1. Chrysanthemums in Belgium and clocks in China are both reminders of death and that time is running out.

2. Gifts given at the first meeting may be interpreted as a bribe and thus should be avoided. Further, alcohol is prohibited by Islamic law, so should be avoided when selecting gifts for most Arabs.

3. In Kenya, flowers are only brought to express condolence. In Switzerland, red roses are a sign of romantic interest. Also, an even number of flowers (or 13) is generally considered bad luck, so should be avoided. Yellow flowers to Iranians signify the enemy and means that you dislike them.

4. The custom in China is simply not to open gifts in front of the donor. Knives (and scissors) symbolize the severing of a relationship.

5. Among many Latin Americans the elephant’s upward trunk symbolizes a holding of good luck; an elephant’s downward trunk symbolizes luck slipping away.

6. Among many Chinese, white is the color of death and is avoided in wrapping gifts.

3. Body Language Experts? (for small class or large lecture) Show the class a segment of a news show when they have one of their “body language experts” on talking about a famous person’s body language (numerous clips are available by searching “body language expert” on YouTube). After showing the segment, ask the students if they agree or disagree with the expert. What channels was the person using? Was there enough information in the person’s behavior to make an assessment?

Discuss the ambiguous nature of nonverbal communication and how even the experts can get it wrong.

4. First Impressions (for small class) Divide the class into small groups of four or five each. Ask them to think back to the first day of class. What were they wearing? Where did they sit? What did they notice about the nonverbal .

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communication of their classmates (clothing, piercings, use of space, chronemics, etc.)? Did they make any assumptions about people based on their initial nonverbal communication? Did the individual students send out any unintended messages that first day (coming late, dressing in a sloppy manner, etc.)? Talk about how we form impressions very quickly based on nonverbal communication, which can be accurate or very inaccurate.

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Erin Brockovich – This film depicts the story of a woman’s fight for the rights of victims of corporate misconduct. Throughout the film, you see how people base their initial impressions of Erin Brockovich on how she looks and dresses.

•

HGTV’s House Hunters – This TV show can be used to discuss instances of paralanguage, particularly vocalizations.

•

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – This film enables you to explore how the use of time figures into scripts—that is, what behaviors are appropriate when in different situations.

•

The Mummy or The Mummy Returns – These films use nonverbal communication in the sets, costumes, etc., to convey a sense of romance, mystery, and intrigue.

•

The Office – This TV show can be used for discussions of a variety of nonverbal messages.

Characters often use exaggerated nonverbal cues to communicate with each other and with the imaginary documentary crew.

•

Spanglish – This film features a married man and a Spanish-speaking housekeeper who love without verbal communication.

•

Ugly Betty – This TV show can be used to discuss the role that body appearance and artifacts play in communication.

WRITING EXERCISES

Journal 5.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Smiling to Bad Effect Sally smiles almost all the time. Even when she criticizes or reprimands a subordinate, she ends with a smile, and this dilutes the strength of her message. As Sally’s supervisor, you need her to realize what she’s doing and to change her nonverbals. What are some of the things you can say to Sally that will not offend her but at the same time get her to realize that her nonverbals are not consistent with her verbal message?

Journal 5.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Touching Your supervisor touches just about everyone. You don’t like it and want it to stop—at least as far as you’re concerned. What are some ways you can nonverbally show your aversion to this unwanted touching? .

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Journal 5.3: Ethical Choice Point - The Ethics of Silence Pat is HIV positive and engages only in safe sex. Does Pat have an obligation to reveal the HIV status to any potential sexual partner? Does this obligation change if Pat is in a long-term relationship? At what point in a relationship does Pat incur an obligation to reveal this HIV status (if at all)?

Journal 5.4: Interpersonal Choice Point - Dealing with Unpleasant Nonverbals Your colleague in the next cubicle wears extremely strong cologne that you find horrendous.

You can’t continue smelling this horrible scent any longer. What might you do to correct this situation?

Shared Writing: The Spiral of Silence Consider the operation of the spiral of silence theory on your own interpersonal interactions, such as the classroom, with close friends, on social media, at work, with your family, or with romantic partners. How would you describe the influence of the spiral of silence on your own voicing of opinions that are contrary to those of others?

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CHAPTER SIX: LISTENING

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 6.1

Define listening, describe its five stages, and identify some of the skills for improving listening at each stage.

6.2

Explain the major barriers to effective listening.

6.3

Describe the four styles of listening and explain how each may be used effectively.

6.4

Describe some of the cultural and gender differences in listening.

CHAPTER SUMMARY In this chapter, we look at the nature of the listening process, the barriers to effective listening, the varied styles of listening used in different situations, and some cultural and gender differences in listening. Throughout this chapter, we’ll identify ways to avoid the major barriers to listening and provide guidelines for more effective listening.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. The Process and Skills of Listening A. Listening is the process of receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding to verbal [spoken or written] and/or nonverbal messages.

B. Five-stage model of listening: 1. Stage One: Receiving—hearing and attending to the message a. Focus your attention. b. Avoid distractions. c. Maintain your role as listener. d. Respond to disclaimers, including hedging, credentialing, sin licenses, cognitive disclaimers, and appeals for the suspension of judgment.

Viewpoints: Listening Attentively 2. Stage Two: Understanding—deciphering meaning from the message you hear a. Avoid assuming you understand. b. See the speaker’s messages from the speaker’s point of view. .

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c. Ask questions. d. Paraphrase.

3. Stage Three: Remembering—retaining what you hear in memory a. Memory is reconstructive, not reproductive. b. False memory syndrome happens when people think they remember what really didn’t happen. c. To aid in passing information from short-term memory to long-term memory, use the FOUR suggestions—focus, organize, unite, and repeat.

Viewpoints: False Memories 4. Stage Four: Evaluating—thinking critically about and judging the message a. Resist evaluation. b. Distinguish facts from opinions. c. Identify any biases. d. Recognize fallacious forms of “reasoning,” including name-calling, testimonial, and bandwagon.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Giving Anti-Listening Cues 5. Stage Five: Responding—answering or giving feedback to the speaker a. Support the speaker. b. Own your responses. c. Resist “responding to another’s feelings” with “solving the person’s problems.” d. Focus on the other person. e. Avoid being a thought-completing listener.

Viewpoints: The Skills of Listening II. Listening Barriers A. Physical and Mental Distractions Viewpoints: Cell Conversations B. Biases and Prejudices 1. Be willing to subject biases and prejudices to contradictory information.

2. A type of bias is closed-mindedness.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Giving Listening Cues C. Lack of Appropriate Focus 1. Avoid focusing on irrelevancies.

2. Do not anticipate your responses while the speaker is still speaking. .

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D. Premature Judgment 1. Do not assume you know what the speaker is going to say.

2. Do not draw conclusions on incomplete evidence.

Viewpoints: Refusing to Listen E. Hearing Impairment Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Listening III. Styles of Effective Listening A. The type of listening that’s appropriate will vary with the purpose and your knowledge of and relationship to the other person.

Integrated Exercise: Listening Styles B. Empathic Listening 1. Empathic listening requires empathy and helps you feel what someone else is feeling.

2. It can enhance your relationship.

3. Recommendations for empathic listening: a. See from the speaker’s point of view. b. Engage in equal, two-way conversation. c. Seek to understand both thoughts and feelings.

Viewpoints: Negative Empathy C. Polite Listening 1. Politeness is required of both speaker and listener.

2. Recommendations for polite listening: a. Avoid interrupting the speaker. b. Give supportive listening cues. c. Show empathy with the speaker. d. Maintain eye contact. e. Give positive feedback.

Viewpoints: Listening Politely D. Critical Listening 1. Critical listening helps in evaluating or analyzing, and involves thinking logically and dispassionately.

2. Recommendations for critical listening: a. Keep an open mind. .

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b. Avoid filtering out unpleasant messages. c. Recognize your own biases. d. Combat the tendency to sharpen. e. Focus on both verbal and nonverbal messages. f. Watch out for language fallacies.

E. Active Listening 1. Active listening involves sending back to the speaker what you as a listener think the speaker meant.

2. Functions of active listening: a. Check understanding b. Acknowledge and accept the speaker’s feelings c. Encourage the speaker to explore his or her feelings and thoughts Viewpoints: Remembering Names 3. Techniques of active listening: a. Paraphrase the speaker’s meaning. b. Express understanding of the speaker’s feelings. c. Ask questions.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Listening Actively IV. Culture, Gender, and Listening A. Culture and Listening 1. Speakers will have different meanings for words even if they speak the same language.

2. Translations between languages are never perfect.

3. Accents can include pitch differences that may be puzzling to listeners.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Listening without Judging 4. Different cultures have different display rules.

5. Nonverbal gestures can have different meanings in each culture.

6. Some cultures give direct, frank feedback (U.S.), and some value giving positive feedback over truthful feedback (Japan and Korea).

B. Gender and Listening Viewpoints: Gender Differences

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1. Author Deborah Tannen says women seek to build rapport and establish closer relationships, while men emphasize their expertise and use it in dominating the interaction.

2. Women are more likely to give lots of listening cues, while men are more likely to listen quietly.

3. Men listen less to women than women listen to men, according to Tannen.

4. Not all research agrees that there is sufficient evidence to make the above claims about gender differences.

KEY TERMS active listening closed-mindedness critical listening disclaimer display rules empathic listening empathy evaluating false memory syndrome

listening long-term memory receiving remembering responding short-term memory understanding

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Listening to Other Perspectives (for small class or online course) “Galileo and the Ghosts” is a technique for seeing a problem, person, or situation through the eyes of a particular group of people (DeVito, 1996). It involves setting up a mental “ghostthinking team,” much like executives and politicians hire ghostwriters to write their speeches or corporations and research institutes maintain think-tanks. In this ghost-thinking technique, you select a team of four to eight “people” you admire—for example, historical figures like Aristotle or Picasso, fictional figures like Wonder Woman or Captain Picard, or persons from other cultures or of a different sex or affectional orientation.

You pose a question or problem and then ask yourself how this team of ghosts would answer your question or solve your problem, allowing yourself to listen to what they have to say. Of course, you’re really listening to yourself but yourself acting in the role of another person. The technique forces you to step outside your normal role and to consider the perspective of someone totally different from you. If you wish, visualize yourself and your ghost-thinking team seated around a conference table, in a restaurant having lunch, or even jogging in the park. Choose the team members and the settings in any way you would like. Use whatever works for you and change it any time you want.

Your ghost-team analyzes your problem with perspectives different from your own. In the ghostthinking technique, each team member views your problem from his or her unique perspective. .

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As a result, your perception of the problem will change. Your team members then view this new perception and perhaps analyze it again. As a result, your perception of the problem changes again. The process continues until you achieve a solution or decide that this technique has yielded all the insight it’s going to yield.

In interpersonal communication and relationships, this technique might be used to see an issue or problem from the point of view of your romantic partner, parent, friend, or child. In a small group setting, it might help you to see an issue from management’s or the employees’ points of view.

And in public speaking, it could help you visualize your task from the perspective of different audiences.

Try creating your own think-tank, your own ghost-thinking team. Share your selections with others and then, if you wish, trade team members with others from your class to revise your team. Limiting your team to four to eight people will keep it more manageable. Once you have your ghost-team in place, try asking their advice on such questions as these: How can I become a more responsive relationship partner? How can I become less apprehensive in formal communication situations such as interviewing or public speaking? How can I increase my assertive communication?

2. How Might You Listen to New Ideas? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) A useful skill for listening to new ideas, such as those developed in brainstorming, is PIP’N, a technique that derives from the insights of Carl Rogers (1970), specifically his emphasis on paraphrase as a means for ensuring understanding, and Edward deBono’s (1976) PMI (plus, minus, interesting) technique. PIP’N involves four steps: P = Paraphrase. State in your own words what you think the other person is saying. This will ensure that you and the person proposing the idea are talking about the same thing. Your paraphrase will also provide the other person with the opportunity to elaborate or clarify his or her ideas.

I=

Interesting. State something that you find interesting about the idea. Say why you think this idea might be interesting to you, to others, to the organization.

P = Positive. Say something positive about the idea. What is good about it? How might it solve a problem or make a situation better?

N = Negative. State any negatives that you think the idea might entail. Might it prove expensive? Difficult to implement? Is it directed at insignificant issues?

You may want to try using PIP’N the next time you hear about a new idea, say, in conversation or in a small group. For practice, you may want to try PIP’N on the PIP’N technique itself: (1) paraphrase the PIP’N technique, (2) say why the technique is interesting, (3) say something positive about it, and (4) say something negative about it.

3. Regulating Your Listening Perspective (for small class, large lecture, or online course) .

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What type(s) of listening would you use in each of the following situations? What types of listening would obviously be inappropriate in each situation?

1. Your steady dating partner for the last five years tells you that spells of depression are becoming more frequent and more long lasting.

2. Your history instructor lectures on the contribution of the Ancient Greeks to modern civilization.

3. Your five-year-old daughter says she wants to become a nurse.

4. Your aunt posts a political article on Facebook.

5. Your brother tells you he’s been accepted into Harvard’s MBA program.

6. A salesperson tells you the benefits of a new smartphone.

7. A blind person asks your assistance in getting off a bus.

8. Your friend tweets an announcement about moving to a new state.

9. Your supervisor explains the new cloud-based mail system.

10. A newscaster reports on a recent Palestine-Israel summit.

11. A gossip columnist details the secret lives of the stars.

12. The television advertiser explains the benefits of the new Tesla.

4. Experiencing Active Listening (for small class, large lecture, or online course) For each of the situations described below, supply at least one appropriate active listening response.

1. You and your friend are discussing the recent chemistry examination. Your friend says, “I didn’t get an A. I got a B+. What am I going to do now? I feel like a failure.”

2. A young nephew tells you that he cannot talk with his parents. No matter how hard he tries, they just don’t listen. “I tried to tell them that I can’t play baseball and I don’t want to play baseball,” he confides. “But they ignore me and tell me that all I need is practice.”

3. A friend just won $20,000 on a quiz show but is depressed because she lost the championship and the chance to compete for the grand prize of $150,000. She says, “I knew the answer, but I just couldn’t think fast enough. That money could have solved all my problems.”

4. Your mother has been having a difficult time at work. She was recently passed up for a promotion and received one of the lowest merit raises given in the company.

“I’m not sure what I did wrong,” she tells you. “I do my work, mind my own business, and don’t take my sick days like everyone else. How could they give that promotion to Helen who’s only been with the company for two years? Maybe I should just quit.”

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5. Your friend texts you: “I can’t believe it; I just got a phone call from the clinic. I’m HIV positive and I don’t know what to do.”

6. Your friend Karla has been married for the last three years and has two small children, one two years old and one six months. Karla has been having an affair with a colleague at work, which her husband discovered, and he is now suing for divorce.

She confides this to you and says, “I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I may lose the kids. I could never support myself and live the way we do now. I sure love that BMW. I wish these last two months had never happened and that I had never started up with Taylor.”

7. Your boss, Ruth, has been an especially difficult supervisor to work for. On several occasions, she filed negative evaluation reports on you and other members of your department. This has prevented you and others from getting merit raises in at least three instances. She’s a perfectionist who doesn’t understand that people make mistakes. During lunch, she comes over to your table and tells you that she has been fired and must clean out her desk by 3 p.m. She says, “I can’t believe they did this to me; I was the best supervisor they had. Our production level was always the highest in the company. They’re idiots. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do. Where will I get another job?”

8. Your friend has just broken up a love affair and is sending you messages about it via Instagram. She writes, “I can’t seem to get Raul out of my mind. All I do is daydream about what we used to do and all the fun we used to have.”

5. Sequential Communication (for small class or large lecture) This exercise is designed to illustrate some of the processes involved in what might be called “sequential communication”—communication that is passed on from one person to another. Six volunteers participate. Five of the volunteers should leave the room so they cannot hear what is being said. You can do this physically in a face-to-face class or in an online classroom, with the participants leaving the online class and coming back into it at the appropriate time. The sixth volunteer is then read a statement once, twice, or even three times until that person fully understands it. The second person then enters the room and listens carefully to the first subject’s restatement of the message. This second person then repeats it to the third person, and so on, until all volunteers have restated the communication. The last restatement and the original are then compared on the basis of the processes listed below.

Members of the class not serving as volunteers should record the changes made in the various restatements. Special attention should be given to the following basic processes in sequential communication: 1. Omissions. What kinds of information are omitted? At what point in the chain of communication are such omissions introduced? Do the omissions follow any pattern?

2. Additions. What kinds of information are added? When? Can patterns be discerned here, or are the additions totally random?

3. Distortions. What kinds of information are distorted? When? Are there any patterns?

Can the distortions be classified in any way? Are the distortions in the direction of .

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increased simplicity? Increased complexity? Can the sources of or reasons for the distortions be identified?

A verbal communication that works well comes from William Haney (1981): Every year at State University, the eagles in front of the Psi Gamma fraternity house were mysteriously sprayed during the night. Whenever this happened, it cost the Psi Gams from $75 to $100 to have the eagles cleaned. The Psi Gams complained to officials and were promised by the president that if ever any students were caught painting the eagles, they would be expelled from school.

6. Reducing Barriers to Listening (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Visualize yourself ready to talk with the following people on the topics noted. What barriers to listening (from any stage: receiving, understanding, remembering, evaluating, and responding) might arise in each encounter? What would you do to prevent these barriers from interfering with effective listening?

1.

A friend tells you he’s HIV positive.

2.

An instructor argues that the feminist movement is dead.

3.

A lesbian mother argues that current adoption laws are discriminatory.

4.

A coalition of people experiencing homelessness claims the right to use public spaces.

5.

A politician says that relationships between different races will never be better.

6.

A Catholic priest argues that people need to remain virgins until marriage.

7.

A relative argues that abortion, regardless of the circumstances, is murder.

8.

A salesperson claims that switching cellular service will save you 50 percent.

9.

A fellow student argues that being for gun control means being anti-Second Amendment.

In thinking about these situations, consider, for example: How would your initial expectations influence your listening? How would you assess the person’s credibility (even before you begin to talk)? How will this influence your listening? Will you begin listening with a positive, a negative, or a neutral attitude? How might these attitudes influence your listening?

7. Typical Man, Typical Woman (for small class, large lecture, or online course) How would you describe the listening behavior of a typical (even stereotypical) man and a typical woman in each of the following situations?

1. Your steady dating partner wants to talk about the state of the relationship; things have not been going well.

2. Your supervisor has criticized your work just about every day this week. You’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and it’s now time for your quarterly evaluation interview.

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3. A close friend has a drug problem, mainly opioids. During a chance meeting, your friend complains about losing another job and not being able to meet this month’s rent payment.

Now that the stereotypes are out in the open, consider their accuracy. How accurate are these stereotypes in describing the listening behavior of the men and women with whom you’ve interacted? Can you think of more examples supporting the stereotype or contradicting it?

8. Paraphrasing to Ensure Understanding (for small class) One of the most important skills that helps to ensure effective listening is paraphrasing. For each of the messages presented below, write a paraphrase that you think would be appropriate.

After you complete the paraphrases, ask another person if he or she would accept them as objective restatements of thoughts and feelings. Rework the paraphrases until the other person agrees that they are accurate. A sample paraphrase is provided for Number 1.

1. I can’t deal with my parents’ constant fighting. I’ve seen it for the last ten years and I really can’t stand it anymore.

Paraphrase: You have trouble dealing with their fighting. You seem really upset by this last fight.

2. Did you hear I got engaged to Jerry? Our racial and religious differences are really going to cause difficulties for both of us. But we love each other. We’ll work it through.

3. I got a C on that paper. That’s the worst grade I’ve ever received. I just can’t believe that I got a C. This is my major. What am I going to do?

4. I can’t understand why I didn’t get that promotion. I was here longer and did better work than Thompson. Even my two supervisors said I was the next in line for the promotion. And now it looks like another one won’t come along for at least a year.

5. That rotten, inconsiderate jerk just up and left. He never even said goodbye. We were together for six months and after one small argument he leaves without a word. And he even took my bathrobe—that expensive one he bought me for my last birthday.

6. I’m just not sure what to do. I really love Lena. She’s the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. I mean, she’d do anything for me. But she really wants to get married. I do too, and yet I don’t want to make such a commitment. I mean, that’s a long-term thing. And, much as I hate to admit it, I don’t want the responsibility of a wife, a family, or a house. I really don’t need that kind of pressure.

7. I think Jordan is cheating on me. He left his Instagram logged in on my phone, and I noticed multiple messages from women. We’ve been together for almost a year. How could he do this to me?

9. How Can You Express Empathy? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Think about some typical situations. How would you respond with empathy to each of these comments? Assume that all five people are your peers. .

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1. I just can’t seem to get my act together. Everything just falls apart as soon as I get involved.

2. I never felt so alone in my life. Chris left last night and said it was all over. We were together for three years and now—after a ten-minute argument—everything is lost.

3. I just got $50,000 from my aunt’s estate. She left it to me! Fifty thousand! Now, I can get that car and buy some new clothes!

4. I just can’t bear the thought of going into work today. I’m really fed up with the company. They treat us all like idiots.

5. A Camry! My parents bought me a Camry for graduation. What a bummer! They promised me a Lexus.

10. Practice Active Listening (for small class) Ask each student to remember a recent interpersonal conflict in his or her life. In dyads, each student should share the experience with the other person, explaining what it meant. While acting as receiver, each student should practice active listening techniques listed in the text.

The following questions can be used for debriefing: •

How was active listening useful in this exercise?

•

Were you able to paraphrase effectively? Was it difficult?

•

How did you express understanding?

•

Were you tempted to do any of the following?

1. Change the conversation (for example, lead the speaker in a certain direction) 2. Interject your own beliefs or experiences into the conversation 3. Pry into irrelevant areas

•

What questions did you ask?

•

What did you learn from this exercise?

11. The Worst Job Interview Ever (for small class) Divide students into small groups of four to five students each, and give them 10 to 15 minutes to write two skits. The first skit should illustrate examples of ineffective listening behaviors and words in a job interview. The second skit should correct all the “bad examples” of the first skit to result in a more positive, constructive communication climate. Humor is fine to use here, and the ineffective listening behaviors can be on the part of the potential boss or the potential employee—or both.

After the skits are written, two people from each group should act them out in front of the class.

The other students should then explain how the potential employer/employee listened poorly— and what they did better the second time.

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DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter listening concepts in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report her group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Identify several careers in which success in listening is crucial to your overall success.

•

To what extent do you or don’t you perform the listening behaviors often ascribed to your gender? Give specific examples of behaviors to support your assertions.

•

How can you improve your listening in classroom or work situations to improve your overall performance? Think of specific examples of desirable behaviors, and show how these exemplify concepts in this chapter.

•

Identify situations in which you listen well and situations in which you can improve.

What can you do to improve the latter?

•

Describe a time when you had trouble listening to a speaker because of a bias you had toward the speaker.

•

How diverse is your college campus? Is listening to instructors and classmates ever challenging because of accents or differences in meaning?

•

Explain how listening skills can be applied to interactions on social media. Do you have an example of a time when you could have listened better?

2. Listening for Fallacies (for small class or large lecture) Bring in commercials that use famous people to sell a certain product or point of view. After showing the commercials to the class, ask students to discuss the impact the spokesperson had on their liking or disliking the product or idea. You could ask the following: •

Do you have a favorable impression of the product or idea?

•

Did the person’s reputation affect your reaction?

•

Did the person’s nonverbal communication affect your reaction?

•

Did his or her accent affect your reaction?

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS

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•

American Assassin – This film gives a representation of the varying nonverbal and verbal communication norms of different cultures.

•

Fight Club – This film shows that who we are completely changes our listening competence and the lens through which we perceive situations and actions.

•

Freaky Friday – This film shows the importance of empathy in listening and how it can change our behaviors.

•

Grey’s Anatomy – This TV show provides many examples of the gender differences in listening strategies and expectations.

•

Madagascar – This film neatly shows the purposes of listening.

•

Orange Is the New Black – This TV show contains many scenes in which the characters employ the different listening styles, especially critical listening.

•

Sixteen Candles – This film demonstrates the stages of listening within several scenes.

•

UP – This film demonstrates the benefits of overcoming our biases—particularly ageism—in order to become a more effective listener.

•

Inside Out—This film shows the importance of really listening to what others are saying— and aren’t saying (nonverbally). It also stresses the importance of listening to your own emotions and feelings.

WRITING EXERCISES

Journal 6.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Giving Anti-Listening Cues One of your friends is a storyteller; instead of talking about the world and about people, he tells endless stories—about things that happened a long time ago that he finds funny (though no one else does). You just can’t deal with this any longer. What might you say to help you get out of these situations?

Journal 6.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Giving Listening Cues Often, you’re asked by others if they are getting through or making sense. It seems as if people doubt that you’re listening. But, usually at least, you are. What can you do to show people you’re listening to them and interested in what they’re saying?

Journal 6.3: Ethical Choice Points - The Ethics of Listening What would you do in each of these two situations? (a) Your friend begins revealing deeply personal secrets—problems at home, a lack of money, no friends, and on and on. You don’t want to hear all this; it depresses you. At the same time, however, you wonder if you have an ethical obligation to listen openly and respond honestly to your friend. What would you do in this situation? .

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(b) At work, you’re listening to a colleague (who you know is lying) criticize another colleague.

What are your ethical obligations in a situation like this?

Journal 6.4: Interpersonal Choice Point - Listening Actively Your 6-year-old nephew comes home from school crying. He says that his new teacher hates him and he hates her and that he doesn’t want to go back to school ever again. What can you say to help your nephew?

Journal 6.5: Interpersonal Choice Point - Listening without Judging A classmate says to you, “I got a C on that paper. That’s the worst grade I’ve ever received. I just can’t believe that I got a C. This is my major. What am I going to do?” What might be appropriate to say?

Shared Writing: Listening and Gender Think about the general listening behavior of both men and women. In a brief essay describe the similarities and the differences that you observe.

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CHAPTER SEVEN: EMOTIONAL MESSAGES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 7.1

Describe the principles of emotions and emotional expression.

7.2

Identify the major obstacles that could prevent the effective communication of emotions.

7.3

Summarize the guidelines for emotional competence in expressing and responding to emotions.

CHAPTER SUMMARY Our concern in this chapter is with your decision to express or not express your emotions. If you do decide to communicate your emotions, you need to make several decisions. For example, you have to choose how to do so—face-to-face, letter, social media post, phone, e-mail, or text message. And you have to choose the specific feelings you will and will not reveal. Finally, you have to choose the words and nonverbals you will use in expressing your feelings.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Cognitive labeling theory A. An event occurs.

B. You respond physiologically.

C. You interpret this arousal—that is, you decide what emotion you’re experiencing.

D. You experience the emotion.

Viewpoints: The Emotional Self Integrated Exercise: Expressing Emotions II. Emotional communication is at the heart of emotional intelligence or social intelligence.

A. The inability to engage in emotional communication is called dyssemia.

B. People who are poor senders and receivers of emotions are likely to have relationship problems.

III. Principles of Emotions and Emotional Messages Viewpoints: Emotions and Decision Making A. Emotions May Be Primary or Blended

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1. Primary emotions include joy, trust, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation.

2. Blended emotions are combinations of primary emotions.

B. Emotions Involve Both Body and Mind Viewpoints: Emotional Isolation The Cultural Map: Indulgent and Restraint Orientation C. Emotional Expression Uses Multiple Channels 1. Emotions are encoded both verbally and nonverbally.

2. This has implications for communication that is exclusively text-based.

3. Emoticons and emojis are substitutes for nonverbal expressions.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Responding Emotionally (or Not) D. Emotional Expression Is Governed by Display Rules 1. Display rules—govern what is and what is not socially acceptable 2. Gender display rules permit women to talk more about feelings and emotions and to display more emotional expression than they do for men.

3. Emotional labor—the effort it takes to manage your emotional expression Viewpoints: Emotional Labor E. Emotional Expression Can Be Used Strategically 1. Strategic emotionality—used for one’s personal ends 2. Emotional blackmail—clear threat if the other person doesn’t comply F. Emotional Expression Has Consequences 1. By revealing your emotions, you may create close bonds with others; at the same time, you may also scare people.

2. Revealing your emotions communicates important information about who you are and how you feel about those with whom you are communicating.

Viewpoints: Crying on the Job G. Emotions May Be Adaptive and Maladaptive 1. Adaptive—They can help you adjust appropriately to situations.

2. Maladaptive—They can get in the way of you accomplishing your goals; this includes catastrophizing.

H. Emotions Are Contagious 1. Emotional contagion—emotions pass from person to person Viewpoints: Positive and Negative Affect

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2. Examples of emotional appeals include pity, guilt, and enthusiasm used by organizations to raise funds.

3. Emotional contagion seems the goal of certain organizational display rules.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Motivational Appeals IV. Obstacles to Communicating Emotions A. Personality Factors B. Inadequate Interpersonal Skills C. Societal and Cultural Customs 1. The “cowboy syndrome” is common for men and for women in executive positions.

2. You should express your emotions selectively.

Viewpoints: Expressiveness D. Fear 1. Sources of fear include vulnerability to attack, weakness, and conflict.

2. Fear can also be adaptive.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Responding to Betrayal V. Emotional Competence A. Emotional Expression 1. Guidelines for emotional expression a. Be specific. b. Describe the reasons you’re feeling as you are. c. Address mixed feelings. d. Anchor your emotions to the present. e. Ask for what you want. f. Respect emotional boundaries. g. Own your feelings; take personal responsibility for your feelings. i. Owning feelings—acknowledging that your feelings are your feelings ii. The best way to accomplish this is to use I-messages.

2. Handling anger: a special case illustration a. Ventilation hypothesis theory now out of favor. b. Anger communication is not angry communication. c. To communicate your anger in a nonangry way: i. Get ready to communicate calmly and logically.

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ii. Examine your communication choices. iii. Consider the advantages of delaying the expression of anger. iv. Remember that different cultures have different display rules. v. Apply the relevant skills of interpersonal communication. vi. Recall the irreversibility of communication.

Viewpoints: Displaying Strong Emotions B. Emotional Responding 1. Guidelines for emotional responding a. Look at nonverbal cues to understand the individual’s feelings. b. Look for cues about what the person wants you to do. c. Use active listening techniques. d. Empathize. e. Focus on the other person. f. Remember the irreversibility of communication.

2. Communicating with the grief-stricken: a special case illustration Viewpoints: Responding to Grief Interpersonal Choice Point: Spending Time a. Kubler-Ross’ five-stage model of grief includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. b. To effectively express sympathy: i. Confirm the other person and the person’s emotions. ii. Choose the appropriate channel of communication. iii. Give the person permission to grieve. iv. Avoid trying to focus on the bright side. v. Encourage the person to express feelings and talk about the loss. vi. Be especially sensitive to leave-taking cues. vii. Let the person know you care and are available.

KEY TERMS anger communication anger blended emotions

cognitive labeling theory display rules emotional appeals .

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emotional blackmail emotional communication emotional contagion emotional labor emotions flexibility gender display rules

I-messages owning feelings primary emotions strategic emotionality ventilation hypothesis

APPLICATION AND EXERCISES 1. Communicating Your Emotions (for small class) Communicating emotions is one of the most difficult of all communication tasks. Here are some situations to practice on. Visualize yourself in each of the following situations and respond as you think an effective communicator would respond.

1. A colleague at work has revealed some of the things you did while you were in college—many of which you would rather not have others on the job know about.

You told your colleague these things in confidence and now just about everyone on the job knows. You’re angry and decide to confront your colleague.

2. A close friend comes to your apartment in deep depression, and tells you that her or his spouse of 22 years has fallen in love with another person and wants a divorce.

Your friend is at a total loss as to what to do and comes to you for comfort and guidance.

3. A neighbor who has lived next door to you for the last ten years and who has had many difficult financial times has just won the lottery worth several million dollars. You meet in the hallway of your apartment house.

4. Your grandmother is dying and calls you to spend some time with her. She says she knows she is dying and wants you to know how much she has always loved you and that her only regret in dying is not being able to see you anymore.

5. Your friend posts on Instagram about the loss of her or his job due to downsizing.

You know your friend really needs the money and must be feeling devastated, and you would like to offer emotional support.

If you have the opportunity, compare your responses with those of others. Can you derive two or three general principles for effectively communicating emotions from this experience?

2. Expressing Negative Feelings (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Here are three situations that would normally engender negative feelings. For each, indicate how you would express your negative feelings and also preserve and even improve the relationship you have with this other person.

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1. You have called your friend, Jane, the last four times but she never seems to call you.

You feel hurt and annoyed that Jane doesn’t take the initiative to call you. You decide you have to tell her how you feel.

2. You and Viktor have made an appointment to go to breakfast at 9 o’clock, but Viktor shows up at 10:30 with only a general and seemingly flimsy excuse. You have been waiting since 9:00 and are angry that he doesn’t seem to care about the time you wasted. Since you don’t want this to happen again, you decide to tell him how you feel.

3. You’ve been dating Chris for about six weeks. Everything seemed to be going fine until your birthday when Chris simply posted on your Facebook wall. You expected something more. After all, you have been dating each other exclusively for six weeks. You feel that this shows that Chris does not really place much importance on the relationship and you want to get this feeling out into the open.

Why is it more difficult for most people to express negative rather than positive feelings?

Does your culture influence your willingness to express negative feelings? Are men and women expected to communicate negative feelings in different ways?

3. Communicating Emotions Effectively (for small class, large lecture, or online course) The ten statements below are all ineffective expressions of feelings. For each statement (1) identify why the statement is ineffective (for example, what problem or distortion does the statement create) and (2) rephrase each of these into more effective statements in which you: •

Describe your feelings and their intensity as accurately as possible.

•

Identify the reasons for your feelings and what influenced or stimulated you to feel as you do.

•

Anchor your feelings to the present.

•

Use I-messages to own your own feelings, to claim responsibility for these feelings, and to describe what (if anything) you want the other person to do because of your feelings.

1. Your lack of consideration makes me so angry I can’t stand it anymore.

2. I know that passive-aggressive tweet was a dig at me. Don’t ever try to embarrass me like that again.

3. I’ll never forgive that jerk. The hatred and resentment will never leave me.

4. I hate you. I’ll always hate you. I never want to see you again. Never.

5. Look. I really can’t bear to hear about your problems of deciding who to date tomorrow and who to date the next day and the next. Give me a break. It’s boring. Boring.

6. You did that just to upset me. You enjoy seeing me get upset, don’t you?

7. Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. Don’t you dare insult me with that attitude of yours.

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8. You make me look like an idiot just so you can act the role of the know-it-all. You always have to be superior, always the damn teacher.

9. I just can’t think straight. That assignment frightens me to death. I know I’ll fail.

10. When I left the interview, I let the door slam behind me. I made a fool of myself, a real fool. I’ll never get that job. Why can’t I ever do anything right? Why must I always make a fool of myself?

Which of the four steps listed above do you see violated most often in the expression of feelings?

Which step do you have the most difficulty with? In one sentence, how would you describe the difference between the ineffective and effective communication of feelings?

4. Emotional Advice (for small class, large lecture, or online course) For each of the following situations, identify (1) the nature of the problem—what is going wrong; (2) two or three possible solutions that might correct or at least lessen the problem; and (3) the one solution you would recommend to the parties involved.

1. Joe is extremely honest and open, maybe a bit too honest; he regularly says everything he feels without self-censorship or self-monitoring. Not surprisingly, he often offends people. Joe’s entering a new work environment and worries that his total honesty may not be the best way to win friends and gain favor with management.

2. Sabrina and Mario have been married for several years. Sabrina is extremely expressive, yelling one minute, crying the next. Mario, on the other hand, is the stereotype unexpressive male; rarely can you tell what he’s thinking or feeling.

Recently, this difference has been causing interpersonal problems. Mario feels Sabrina doesn’t think through her feelings but just reacts impulsively; Sabrina feels that Mario is unwilling to share his inner life with her.

3. Jess and Deirdre have dated steadily for the last four years. Deirdre is extremely unexpressive but believes that Jess—because of their long and close relationships— should know how she’s feeling without her having to spell it out. When Jess doesn’t respond appropriately, Deirdre becomes angry and says that Jess doesn’t understand her because she really doesn’t love her; if Jess did, she says, she would know what she’s feeling without her being explicit. Jess says this is crazy; she’s no mind reader and never claimed to be. If Deirdre wants something, she says, she has the obligation to say so; Jess doesn’t feel she has the obligation to guess what is going on in Deirdre’s head.

4. Tobin has recently been put in charge of a group of blue-collar workers at a small, printer-repair firm. Tobin is extremely reserved and rarely reveals any extreme emotion. He gives instructions, praises the workers, and criticizes them all with the same tone of voice and facial expressions. This has led the workers to feel he’s insincere and isn’t really feeling what he says.

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5. Shasta always smiles; no matter what she says she smiles and expresses herself in a lilting tone that leads most people to feel she is pleased. As a high school history teacher, this tendency seems to have created problems. When the students don’t do their homework or otherwise violate established rules, her criticism seems to carry no weight. The students never feel she is disturbed or really chastising them. It has gotten to the point where she has lost all control and authority in the classroom.

6. Tomas is a very sarcastic person. He doesn’t communicate emotions well and instead relies on humor. He finds that this works well in face-to-face conversation, but he has run into problems when communicating via text or social media. His friends tend not to get the joke and take him seriously, sometimes becoming offended.

5. Selling by Emotion (for small class) As the text points out, many salespeople use emotional appeals to sell a product. Divide the class into groups of four or five people. Ask each group to come up with a skit that illustrates how this happens. Group members could use such emotional appeals as enthusiasm, guilt, pity, compassion, and fear. Afterward, discuss the ethics of using emotional appeals in sales as well as in interpersonal communication. Can you go too far?

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter emotional communication concepts in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each group one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report the group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Discuss a time you wanted to express your emotions to someone but you didn’t because of one of the obstacles mentioned in the text.

•

What kind of bodily reactions do you experience during emotional expression?

How can people tell you are angry, nervous, etc.?

•

Have you ever experienced emotional contagion in class? In a small group? With a close friend?

•

How can anger be both adaptive and maladaptive? Give examples.

•

How do display rules differ from culture to culture in regard to emotions? Have you ever misinterpreted an emotion due to a difference in display rules?

•

What emotional appeals do you use in your interpersonal communication to get people to do what you want them to do?

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•

What does it mean to “own your own feelings”? How do you react when people use “you language” instead of “I language”?

•

What do you think about the ventilation hypothesis? Do you agree that venting can make anger worse?

•

What challenges have you encountered in expressing emotions through social media? In what ways do social media make emotional expression both easier and more difficult?

2. Helping the Grief-Stricken (for small class or large lecture) Present the following scenario to the class: A friend of yours has recently lost a parent. This friend wants to talk to you about the difficulty in dealing with this sudden and devastating loss.

Which of the following statements are appropriate? Which are inappropriate? Why? 1. It was her time.

2. She’s out of pain now.

3. Let me know if you want to talk.

4. I know how much you loved her.

5. He’s in a better place.

6. You need to move on. Cheer up.

7. What you need is some time away.

3. Gender and Display Rules (for small class) Divide the class into two groups: men and women. Have each group come up with a list of questions to ask the other in regard to gender display rules. A sample question might be: “Why do men express emotions less often than women do?” Each group should go back and forth asking and answering the other group’s questions.

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Atonement – This film shows the emotional reactions of different family members when a 13-year-old girl falsely accuses her sister’s lover of a crime he did not commit.

•

The Dark Knight Rises –This film demonstrates strategic emotionality, specifically in regard to Anne Hathaway’s character, Catwoman.

•

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close –This film explores emotions by showing the main character mourning the loss of his father who was killed during the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center.

•

Juno – This film explores emotional reactions by different characters when a teenage girl becomes pregnant.

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•

Mad Men – This TV show can be used as a discussion of emotional communication and gender, as the characters in adhere to stringent gender display rules.

•

The Office – This TV show exhibits the use of both the body and mind in sending emotional messages. Strong nonverbal communication, especially through exaggerated facial expressions and theatrical gestures, are often used by the characters.

•

Inside Out—This film shows what happens when people don’t fully express their emotions about events in their lives and the importance of understanding and processing your emotions.

•

Pearl Harbor – This film shows the various ways people express emotions during a difficult time.

•

Revenge – This TV show can be used in a discussion of strategic emotionality, as the main character often employs emotional blackmail in order to manipulate others.

•

Sling Blade – This film shows the anger of an abusive boyfriend and how one character chooses to protect the people he cares about from his abuse.

WRITING EXERCISES Journal 7.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Responding Emotionally (or Not) Your supervisor seems to belittle your experience, which you thought was your strong point, constantly. Often your supervisor says that your experiences were “in school” or “with only a few people” or some such negative phrase. You think your experience has more than prepared you for this job, and you want to make sure your supervisor knows this. What might you say?

Journal 7.2: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Motivational Appeals Suppose you wanted to persuade your teenage children to attend religious services. What would be some ethical ways of using motivational appeals? For example, would it be ethical to use emotional appeals to fear—to scare them so that they’d attend services? Would it be ethical to bribe them with money? Would it be ethical to threaten them with punishment?

Journal 7.3: Interpersonal Choice Point – Responding to Betrayal A colleague at work has revealed to other workers personal information about your relationship problems that you revealed in confidence. You’re steaming mad as you pass a group of colleagues commenting on these relationship problems. What might be an effective way of dealing with this situation?

Journal 7.4 Interpersonal Choice Point – Spending Time Your grandmother is dying and calls to ask you to spend some time with her. She says that she knows she is dying, that she wants you to know how much she has always loved you, and that .

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her only regret in dying is not being able to see you anymore. You want her to feel comforted, and yet it’s so emotional for you. What might you say?

Shared Writing: Emotional Expression Online and Off How would you describe the difference between emotional communication that you see on social media sites such as Facebook and that which you see in face-to-face encounters? To what would you attribute these differences?

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CHAPTER EIGHT: CONVERSATIONAL MESSAGES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 8.1

Describe the major principles of conversation.

8.2

Define self-disclosure, its potential rewards and dangers, and the guidelines for disclosing, responding to disclosures, and resisting the pressure to disclose.

8.3

Identify the guidelines for small talk; making introductions, excuses, and apologies; asking a favor; and giving and receiving compliments and advice.

CHAPTER SUMMARY Conversation, which may be defined simply as informal social interaction, is an essential part of interpersonal communication and interpersonal relationships (McLaughlin, 1984). During the coronavirus pandemic and the need to self-isolate, conversation with another person in a similar situation was so important that Quarantine Chat—an app that enables a random person to call you just to talk—grew in popularity, providing many with the essential interpersonal interaction especially crucial in these times.

Examining conversation provides an excellent opportunity to look at verbal and nonverbal messages as they’re used in day-to-day communications, and thus serves as a useful culmination for this second part of the text.

This chapter explains the principles of conversation, the nature of self-disclosure (one of the most important forms of conversation), and some of your everyday conversational situations (such as small talk and apologizing). Guidelines are offered throughout the chapter for making conversation more satisfying and more effective.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Principles of Conversation A. Conversation—informal social interactions B. The Principle of Process 1. Opening—opens the conversation, usually with some kind of greeting a. Phatic communication—message that establishes a connection between two people and opens up the channels for more meaningful interaction 2. Feedforward—gives the other person a general idea of the conversation’s focus 3. Business—substance or focus of the conversation .

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4. Feedback—reflect on the conversation to signal that the business is completed; the reverse of feedforward 5. Closing—the goodbye; the opposite of opening Viewpoints: Conversational Stages C. The Principle of Cooperation—you and another person implicitly agree to cooperate in trying to understand 1. Conversational maxims—principles that people follow in conversation a. Quantity maxim—include information that makes the meaning clear but omit what does not b. Quality maxim—say only what you know or assume to be true; don’t lie, exaggerate, or minimize major problems c. Relation maxim—talk about what is relevant to the conversation d. Manner maxim—be clear, avoid ambiguities, be relatively brief, and organize your thoughts into a meaningful sequence Viewpoints: Cultural Maxims D. The Principle of Expressiveness 1. Expressiveness—the skill of communicating genuine involvement in the conversation a. Expressiveness includes both verbal and nonverbal messages. b. Expressiveness often involves revealing emotions and your normally hidden self. c. Communicate expressiveness by: i. Varying vocal rate, pitch volume, and rhythm ii. Using appropriate gestures iii. Giving verbal and nonverbal feedback iv. Smiling v. Communicating expressiveness in ways that are culturally sensitive E. The Principle of Politeness Integrated Exercise: Politeness in Conversation 1. Maxim of tact—helps to maintain the other’s autonomy 2. Maxim of generosity—helps to confirm the other person’s importance 3. Maxim of approbation—refers to praising or complimenting someone 4. Maxim of modesty—minimizes praise and compliments you receive 5. Maxim of agreement—seeks out areas of agreement and expresses them .

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6. Maxim of sympathy—expressions of understanding, sympathy, and empathy F. The Principle of Dialogue 1. In dialogue, there is two-way interaction.

2. Monologue is the opposite side; it’s communication in which one person speaks and the other listens.

G. The Principle of Turn Taking 1. Conversational turns—the changing (or maintaining) of the speaker or listener role during the conversation 2. Speaker cues include turn maintaining and turn yielding.

3. Listener cues include turn requesting and turn denying.

4. Back-channeling cues—communicate various types of information back to the speaker without assuming the role of speaker 5. Interruptions—attempts to take over the role of speaker Viewpoints: Interruptions Interpersonal Choice Point: Interrupting II. Conversational Disclosure A. Revealing Yourself 1. Self-disclosure—communicating information about yourself to another person 2. Self-disclosure involves information about your values, beliefs, desires, behaviors, or self-qualities, and it occurs in all forms of communication.

3. There is a disinhibition effect that occurs in online communication.

Viewpoints: Disinhibition 4. Self-disclosure changes as a relationship progresses and changes.

5. Self-disclosure varies according to the type of relationship between individuals.

Integrated Exercise: Self-Disclosing Behavior B. Influences on Self-Disclosure 1. You—Disclosure is more likely with extroverted, competent people.

2. Your culture—Americans self-disclose more than people in Great Britain, Japan, or Puerto Rico.

3. Your gender—Women disclose more than men, except in initial encounters.

4. Your listeners a. You disclose more to people you like and trust, and people who are your age. b. You are more likely to disclose when the other person has disclosed, a pattern referred to as the reciprocity. .

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5. Your topic—You’re more likely to disclose favorable than unfavorable information.

6. Your media—The medium or channel through which you communicate also influences your disclosures.

C. Rewards and Dangers of Self-Disclosure 1. Rewards of self-disclosure a. Increases self-knowledge b. Increases communication effectiveness c. Prevents misconceptions d. Improves physiological health e. Increases liking and perceived attractiveness Viewpoints: Self-Disclosing 2. Dangers of self-disclosure a. Personal risks b. Relational risks c. Professional risks D. Guidelines for Self-Disclosure 1. Guidelines for making self-disclosures a. Disclose out of appropriate motivation. b. Disclose in the appropriate context. c. Disclose gradually. d. Disclose without imposing burdens on yourself or others.

Viewpoints: Revealing Yourself 2. Guidelines for facilitating and responding to self-disclosures a. Practice the skills of effective and active listening. b. Support and reinforce the discloser. c. Be willing to reciprocate. d. Keep the disclosures confidential.

3. Guidelines for resisting pressure to self-disclose a. Don’t be pushed. b. Be assertive in your refusal to disclose. c. Delay a decision. d. Be indirect and move to another topic. .

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Interpersonal Choice Point: Refusing to Self-Disclose

III. Everyday Conversations A. Small Talk Integrated Exercise: Small Talk 1. The topics and contexts of small talk a. The topic must be noncontroversial. b. Small talk is usually short in duration.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Gossip Viewpoints: Gender Stereotypes 2. Guidelines for making effective small talk a. Be positive. b. Be sensitive to leave-taking cues. c. Stress similarities rather than differences. d. Answer questions with enough elaboration to give the other person the information that can then be used to interact with you.

B. Introductions 1. Introducing yourself—Make eye contact, say hello and your first and last name, and shake hands.

2. Introducing another person—Supply enough detail to provide a context for further interaction.

C. Excuses 1. Types of excuses a. I didn’t do it—deny what you’re accused of b. It wasn’t so bad—admit doing it but claim the offense was not really so bad or perhaps there was justification c. Yes, but—claim extenuating circumstances accounted for the behavior 2. Good and bad excuses a. The best excuses contain four or five elements. i. Demonstrate that you understand the problem and that your partner’s feelings are legitimate. ii. Acknowledge your responsibility. iii. Acknowledge your own displeasure at what you did. iv. Make it clear that your misdeed will never happen again. .

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v. Express your sorrow or regret.

D. Apologies 1. Apology—expression of regret or sorrow for having said or done something that you shouldn’t have Viewpoints: Apologizing 2. Some dos for effective apologies a. Admit wrongdoing. b. Be apologetic. c. Be specific. d. Express your understanding. e. Express your regret. f. Offer to correct your behavior. g. Give reassurance.

3. Some don’ts for effective apologies. a. Don’t apologize needlessly. b. Don’t try to justify your behavior. c. Don’t minimize your role. d. Don’t accuse others. e. Don’t minimize others’ feelings. f. Don’t include excuses with the apology. g. Don’t apologize via e-mail.

E. Favors 1. Select an appropriate communication context.

2. Give appropriate feedforward.

3. Ask for the favor.

4. Provide an easy exit.

5. Responding to favor requests a. Accept the refusal gracefully b. Express thanks both verbally and nonverbally and consider explaining how this will help you F. Compliments 1. Compliment—message of praise, flattery, or congratulations 2. Backhanded compliment—insult masquerading as a compliment .

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Viewpoints: Complimenting 3. Giving a compliment a. Be real and honest. b. Compliment in moderation. c. Be totally complimentary. d. Be specific. e. Be personal. f. Compliment accomplishments.

4. Receiving a compliment—Acceptance is best option.

Interpersonal Choice Points: Responding to a Backhanded Compliment G. Advice 1. Advice—a process of giving another person a suggestion for thinking or behaving 2. Meta-advice—advice about advice a. To explore options and choices b. To seek expert advice c. To delay a decision 3. Giving advice a. Listen. b. Empathize. c. Be tentative. d. Offer options. e. Ensure understanding. f. Keep the interaction confidential. g. Avoid should statements.

4. Receiving advice a. Accept what the person says. b. Resist the temptation to retaliate or criticize. c. Interact with the advice. d. Express your appreciation.

5. Responding to advice a. Thank the person for the advice. b. Let the other person know that you are thoughtfully considering the advice. .

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c. Use your active listening skills. d. Remember that you don’t have to follow the advice.

KEY TERMS advice apology back-channeling cues backhanded compliment compliment conversation conversational maxims conversational turns cooperation dialogue disinhibition effect excuse expressiveness favor

gossip interruptions introductions manner maxim meta-advice monologue phatic communication politeness quality maxim quantity maxim relation maxim self-disclosure small talk

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. How Do You Open a Conversation? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Think about how you might open a conversation with the persons described in each of these situations. What general approaches would be met with a favorable response? What general approaches seem frowned upon?

1. On the first day of class, you and another student are the first to come into the classroom and are seated in the room alone.

2. You’re a guest at a friend’s party. You’re one of the first guests to arrive and are now there with several other people to whom you’ve only just been introduced. Your friend, the host, is busy with other matters.

3. You’ve just started a new job in a large office where you’re one of several computer operators. It seems as if most of the other people know each other.

4. You’re in the college cafeteria eating alone. You see another student who is also eating alone and who you’ve seen in your English Literature class. You’re not sure if this person has noticed you in class.

5. You’ve just matched with someone on a dating app. You both seem to have the same taste in music and hobbies, and you live in neighboring towns.

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2. How Do You Close a Conversation? (for small class, large lecture, or online course) How might you bring each of the following conversations to an end? What types of closings seem most effective? Which seem least effective?

1. You and a friend have been talking on the phone for the last hour but not much new is being said. You have a great deal of work to get to and would like to close the conversation. Your friend just doesn’t seem to hear your subtle cues.

2. You’re at a party and are anxious to meet a person with whom you’ve exchanged eye contact for the last 10 minutes. The problem is that a friendly and talkative former classmate of yours is demanding all your attention. You don’t want to insult the exclassmate, but at the same time you want to initiate a conversation with this other person.

3. You’ve had a conference with a teacher and have learned what you needed to know.

This teacher, however, doesn’t seem to know how to end the conversation, seems very ill at ease, and just continues to go over what has already been said. You have to get to your next class and must close the conversation.

4. You’re at a party and notice a person you would like to get to know. You initiate the conversation but after a few minutes realize this person is not someone with whom you would care to spend any more time. You want to close this conversation as soon as possible.

5. You and your significant other have been texting nonstop for almost an hour. However, a friend just came over and you want to fully devote your attention to him or her.

3. Conversational Analysis: A Chance Meeting (for small class or online class in breakout groups) Read the following dialogue, “A Chance Meeting.” As you read it, keep the following questions in mind: 1. How would you describe the conversational styles of each of the four participants?

(For the purposes of this exercise, assume that each person speaks this way all the time. Although this assumption is certainly false—no one talks the same way all the time—most people do have a style of conversation that is consistent across a wide variety of situations.)

2. Which person do you think is, in general, the most effective communicator? Why? 3. Which person do you think is, in general, the least effective communicator? Why? Then select one of the four participants and analyze that person’s conversational style in depth: 1. Describe the person’s style, especially as it relates to appropriateness for this particular communication situation.

2. Describe the rules of conversation that this person is following. What specific lines of dialogue can you point to in support of your analysis?

3. Describe the rules of conversation that you feel this person should follow. On what basis do you make these recommendations? .

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4. Would this dialogue seem more realistic if you assumed that certain characters are men and others are women? If you assumed they are all men? All women? Why? “A Chance Meeting” PAT:

Hi!

SMITTY:

Hi, Pat.

CHRIS:

What’s up?

SMITTY:

You look horrible. What’s happened to you?

PAT:

Nothing.

SMITTY:

Oh, good. Just the day? I have days like that, too.

LEE:

You make the day you have, you know. I mean, expect the worst and you’ll get it.

Cheer up, Pat. Things will change, once you change yourself, of course. You know: smile and the world smiles with you.

CHRIS:

Nothing? You seem upset.

PAT:

No, it’s just my job. Kind of, but not exactly.

SMITTY:

I wish I could forget my job, too. Now I gotta work Saturdays.

LEE:

Try running an ice cream parlor. Seven days a week of pure torture.

CHRIS:

You sound really disturbed, Pat. Are they cutting back? Is your job in danger?

PAT:

In danger? No, it’s not in danger. It’s dead. I was let go three weeks ago.

SMITTY:

Oh, bummer. Big bummer.

LEE:

You screwed up again, didn’t you?

CHRIS:

And you didn’t say anything? What’s wrong with you? We talked three or four times since then, and you never said anything. Let’s go for coffee.

PAT:

No, I gotta get home.

SMITTY:

Yeah, me too.

CHRIS:

I know you do, Pat. But ten minutes for coffee won’t hurt.

LEE:

Okay. Ten minutes. Let’s go.

[At coffee] CHRIS:

Now, what happened?

PAT:

Nothing. I got fired. Cutbacks, same as everyone else. They let 35 of us go—all at once.

LEE:

Thirty-five? Wow! Did Trainer get the ax, too?

PAT:

I don’t know. I think so.

LEE

Wow, I wonder what Trainer will do now. .

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CHRIS:

What’s your next step?

SMITTY:

Unemployment! I’ve been on it more than off it.

PAT:

Unfortunately, he’s right. I’m on unemployment. I hate it.

SMITTY:

I love it.

LEE: CHRIS:

Yeah, that’s because you try to avoid responsibilities. Pat is trying to face them, and I think that’s good. If we don’t face it, we’ll never solve it.

Yeah, but you won’t be for long. There are lots of places you could work.

SMITTY:

That’s not what the papers said. Everyone’s cutting back.

LEE:

I have the classified section right here. You can have it. It’ll give you some leads.

PAT:

I’d have to relocate to stay at my present job, and I really don’t want to do that.

CHRIS:

What do you mean?

PAT:

I’m not qualified to do anything more than I’m doing. The market has changed; there’s no place for my skills anymore.

LEE:

Is that what happened to Tommy? No skills?

PAT:

I don’t know. I never hung out with Tommy.

SMITTY:

That’s what everybody’s saying; computers can do it better. Soon they’ll have robots, and we’ll all be up the creek.

CHRIS:

What about retraining?

PAT:

Me? At 31?

SMITTY:

Are you 31? I thought you were a lot older. Really? You look good.

LEE:

Yeah, 31 is kind of old to start all over again.

CHRIS:

Yes, you at 31. And 31 is not too old to retrain. And you might like it. You’ve got enough money to take a year off, retool, and get back in the game.

SMITTY:

Back to school, like Rodney Dangerfield.

LEE:

I’m not sure that’s the answer. I think you gotta get your act together. You’ve got this defeatist attitude. You’ve got to get rid of that. You want the name of my shrink? He’s great—deals with all sorts of problems.

PAT:

I don’t really want to see your shrink, much as I should, I know. I guess with unemployment I can make it. Yeah, I could do it.

CHRIS:

And you might even like it. You enjoyed college.

PAT:

And I know exactly what I’d train for.

LEE:

How can you know with such certainty? Have you looked at the predictions for the growth in different jobs?

SMITTY:

Hey, how about getting out of here? I have to get home and take the kid to Little League. Talk about problems. Little League. That’s a problem.

CHRIS:

What would you train for? .

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PAT:

What do you think of this idea?

4. Role-Play the Chapter (for small class or online class) Divide the class into two groups. Make sure that each group works independently and cannot hear the other group. Instruct both groups to do the same task: Create a role-play that will last about five minutes. It should contain the following elements: steps in the conversation process, opening lines, disclaimers, turn-taking cues, and good and bad excuses. Encourage creativity—the more creative the story, the better.

Have the groups demonstrate the role-plays, and try to guess how each demonstrates text concepts. This is a fun way to reinforce text concepts and relate them to ordinary experiences.

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class or online class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter messages and conversation in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question.

Then, have one student from each group stand to report her or his group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Remember a particularly uncomfortable conversation you recently had. Why was it uncomfortable? Could it have been improved? How?

•

Honestly, to what extent does another’s race, class, educational background, or age influence the way you converse with them?

•

Have you ever received feedback by an instructor that violated the guidelines for effective feedback discussed in the text? What was the result?

•

What type of approaches do you use to initiate conversations? Which ones seem to work for you? Which ones don’t seem to be effective?

•

Discuss a time you received or sent an e-mail forward. What was it about? How do you feel when you get a lot of e-mail forwards from someone? How can you let this person know, politely, that they are violating the maxim of quantity?

•

How do you feel when you get interrupted? How do you feel when someone constantly interrupts the instructor? How can you tactfully address someone’s tendency to interrupt you?

•

What taboos exist in regard to self-disclosure in the United States? How do you react if someone brings up a taboo subject?

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•

Do you self-disclose different types of information online compared to face-to-face interactions? Do you self-disclose more over social media? Less? Why do you think these differences exist?

•

Discuss a time someone disclosed to you in an inappropriate way—either in-person or online. What guideline(s) did the person violate? How did it make you feel?

2. Excuses and Apologies in Politics (for small class or large lecture or online class) There have been some famous apologies, pseudo-apologies, and excuse-making in the world of politics over the years. Bring in transcripts or show video clips of politicians making excuses or giving apologies and then discuss the guidelines presented in the chapter. Did the speaker take responsibility? Did he or she clearly admit wrongdoing? Did the speaker express regret? Was the apology effective? How might it have been more effective?

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Big Brother – This reality TV show can be used to discuss the various influences on selfdisclosure, as contestants often disclose information about themselves to other houseguests.

•

The Fast and the Furious –This film features all of the components of everyday conversation, including small talk, excuses, apologies, compliments, and advice.

•

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – This film allows students to explore what makes conversations satisfying for each character, as well as the opening, maintenance, and closing of the conversation.

•

50 First Dates – This film can be used for a discussion of conversation starters.

Henry and Lucy find starting a relationship difficult, when each encounter is a fresh start due to Lucy’s memory loss.

•

Law and Order – This TV show includes dialogue between characters that is often quick due to the urgent nature of the criminal justice field. Because of this, the characters must follow the conversational process and take conversational turns and cues in order to make sure that all communication is effective.

•

RENT – This film is an adaptation of the popular musical. Characters self-disclose their positive HIV status to one another in various ways.

•

You’ve Got Mail – This film serves as a nice vehicle for exploring how e-mail conversations can differ from real-life exchanges.

•

Siesta Key – This reality TV show follows a group of young adults in their hometown near Sarasota, Florida. It highlights all the highs and lows of issues with friendships and relationships, and many issues in the chapter can be explored.

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WRITING EXERCISES Journal 8.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Interrupting One of your team members repeatedly interrupts you. Whenever you start to explain something, this member interrupts you to change the topic or to finish your thought—sometimes accurately but most often inaccurately. You need to do something about this and are wondering if you’re actually encouraging interruptions by the way you express yourself. What might you do in your own communication to discourage another’s interruptions?

Journal 8.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Refusing to Self-Disclose You’ve dated someone three or four times, and each time you’re pressured to self-disclose past experiences and personal information you’re simply not ready to talk about—at least, not at this early stage of the relationship. What can you say to resist this pressure to self-disclose?

Journal 8.3: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Gossip Your best friend’s romantic partner has come on to you on several occasions. What is your ethical obligation to your friend? If you decide that it would be ethical to tell your friend, would it also be ethical to tell other mutual friends? At what point does revealing this become unethical gossip?

Journal 8.4: Interpersonal Choice Point - Responding to a Backhanded Compliment At an informal meeting at work, a colleague says: “You look good today, well rested.” You recognize this as a backhanded compliment—complimenting your appearance while implying that usually you look tired, maybe even haggard. You decide to respond. What do you say?

Shared Writing: Responding to Too Much Disclosure One of your neighbors reveals too much private information for your liking. You’re really not interested in this person’s sex life, financial woes, and medical problems. What are some of the things you might do to prevent or discourage this too-personal disclosure, at least to you, but at the same time not offend your neighbor?

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CHAPTER NINE: INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP STAGES, COMMUNICATION, AND THEORIES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 9.1

Describe the process of relationship development—from contact through (possible) dissolution.

9.2

Explain the role of communication at the different relationship stages.

9.3

Summarize the major theories that explain relationship development, deterioration, and repair (attraction, relationship rules, relationship dialectics, social exchange, equity, and politeness).

CHAPTER SUMMARY Contact with other human beings is so important that when you’re deprived of it for long periods, depression sets in, self-doubt surfaces, and you may find it difficult to manage even the basics of daily life. Research shows clearly that the most important contributor to happiness—outranking money, job, and sex—is a close relationship with one other person (Freedman, 1978; Laroche & deGrace, 1997; Lu & Shih, 1997). The desire for relationships is universal; interpersonal relationships are important to men and to women, to gay men and lesbians and to heterosexuals, to young and to old (Huston & Schwartz, 1995).

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Relationship Stages Integrated Exercise: Advantages of Interpersonal Relationships A. In any interpersonal relationship, there are actually several relationships.

B. There are six stages in most relationships.

1. Contact—the stage of first impressions a. There is perceptual and interactional contact. b. You decide in the first four minutes if you want to pursue the relationship.

2. Involvement—develops a sense of being connected 3. Intimacy—commit further

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a. The quantity and quality of interpersonal exchanges increase, you come to share each other’s social networks, and satisfaction increases. b. This stage includes two phases. i. Interpersonal commitment—the two people commit themselves to each other in a private way ii. Social bonding—the commitment is made public Viewpoints: Culture and Sexual Relationships 4. Relationship deterioration—characterized by a weakening of the bonds between friends or lovers 5. Relationship repair—not always pursued 6. Relationship dissolution—bonds are broken Interpersonal Choice Point: Ending the Relationship C. Movement among the Stages 1. Stage movement a. At each stage, you can exit the relationship, move to another stage, or return to the beginning of the same level or stage. b. Movement depends largely on your communication skills.

2. Turning points—significant relationship events that have important consequences for the individual and the relationship Viewpoints: Negative Turning Points 3. Relationship license—license or permission to break some relationship rule as a result of your stage Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Disclosure II. Relationship Communication Viewpoints: Meeting People A. Communicating in Developing and Maintaining Relationships 1. Social penetration theory describes relationship in terms of the breadth and depth of topics that people talk about.

2. Methods to develop and seek to maintain relationships: a. Reach out. b. Be nice. c. Be open. d. Give assurances. e. Share joint activities. .

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f. Be positive. g. Focus on improving yourself. h. Be empathic.

Viewpoints: Growing Similarity B. Communicating in Deteriorating and Dissolving Relationships 1. Recognizing patterns of deterioration a. Withdrawal—nonverbal and verbal b. Depenetration—breadth and depth reverse themselves c. Decline in self-disclosure d. Deception—increases as relationships break down e. Positive and negative messages—increase in negative messages and decrease in positive messages 2. Disengaging from a relationship a. Positive tone can preserve some aspects of the relationship. b. Negative identity management is used to blame the other person. c. Justification provides reasons for the breakup. d. De-escalation reduces the intensity of relationship.

Viewpoints: Breakup Rules 3. Dealing with a breakup a. Break the loneliness–depression cycle. b. Take time out. c. Bolster your self-esteem. d. Remove or avoid uncomfortable relationship symbols. e. Become mindful of your own relationship patterns.

C. Communicating in Relationship Repair 1. Recognize the problem—intellectually and emotionally.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Refusing a Gift Positively 2. Engage in productive communication.

3. Propose possible solutions.

4. Affirm each other.

5. Integrate solutions.

6. Risk—Take risks such as giving favors without expecting anything.

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III. Relationship Theories A. Attraction Theory—people form relationships based on attraction Integrated Exercise: Attractiveness Preferences 1. Similarity a. This includes race, nationality, abilities, physical characteristics, etc. b. Complementarity—sometimes opposites attract 2. Proximity—people who live and work close to us 3. Reinforcement—those who reward us or who we reward 4. Physical attractiveness and personality—like and feel more familiar with attractive people Viewpoints: Online Relationships 5. Socioeconomic and educational status a. Women seek men with higher status than them. b. Men seek women with lower status and educational level than them.

6. Reciprocity of liking—attracted to people who are attracted to you B. Relationship Rules Theory—relationships are held together by adherence to certain rules 1. Friendship rules—standing up for a friend, giving support, trusting, and offering to help 2. Romantic rules—will vary from culture to culture Interpersonal Choice Point: Virtual Infidelity 3. Family rules—should be flexible a. What you can talk about b. How you can talk about something c. To whom you can talk Viewpoints: Emotional Relationships 4. Workplace rules—usually a part of the corporate culture C. Relationship Dialectics Theory—argues that someone who is engaged in a relationship experiences internal tensions between pairs of motives or desires that pull him or her in opposite direction 1. Research generally finds three pairs of opposites. a. Closedness and openness b. Autonomy and connection c. Novelty and predictability .

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2. There are three main ways to deal with tensions. a. Accept the imbalance. b. Exit the relationship. c. Rebalance your life.

D. Social Exchange Theory—you develop relationships that enable you to maximize your profits 1. Profits equal rewards minus costs.

2. When you enter a relationship, you have in mind a comparison level.

E. Equity Theory—claims that you develop and maintain relationships in which the ratio of your rewards relative to your costs is approximately equal to your partner’s F. Politeness Theory—people develop relationships when each person meets the positive and negative face needs of the other Viewpoints: Breaking Up Politely

KEY TERMS attraction theory breadth cherishing behaviors comparison level complementarity contact costs depenetration depth empathy equity theory intimacy involvement politeness theory

profits reciprocity of liking relationship deterioration relationship dialectics theory relationship dissolution relationship license relationship repair relationship rules theory rewards similarity social exchange theory social penetration theory turning points

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Learning to Hear Stage Talk (for small class or online class) Learning to hear stage-talk messages—messages that express a desire to move the relationship in a particular way or to stabilize the relationship at a particular stage—will help you understand and manage your own interpersonal relationships. Over the next few days, listen carefully to all stage-talk messages. Listen to those messages referring to your own

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relationships as well as those messages that friends or acquaintances disclose to you about their relationships. Collect these messages and classify them into the following categories.

1. Contact messages express a desire for contact: Hi, my name is Joe. 2. Closeness messages express a desire for increased closeness, involvement, or intimacy: I’d like to see you more often.

3. Stabilizing messages express a desire to maintain the relationship at one stage: Let’s keep it like this for a while. I’m not ready to get more involved at this point in my life.

4. Distancing messages express a desire to distance oneself from a relationship: I think we should spend a few weeks apart.

5. Repair messages express a desire to repair the relationship: Couldn’t we discuss this and work it out? I didn’t mean to be so dogmatic.

6. Dissolution messages express a desire to break up or dissolve the existing relationship: Look, it’s just not working out as we planned; let’s each go our separate ways.

Share these collected messages with others in small groups, breakout rooms, or with the class as a whole. Consider, for example: •

What types of messages are used to indicate the six different desires noted above?

•

Do people give reasons for their desire to move from one stage to another or to stabilize their relationship? If so, what types of reasons do they give?

•

Do men and women talk about relationship stages in the same way? In different ways?

2. Giving Repair Advice (for small class or online course) Whether expert or novice, each of us gives relationship repair advice and probably each of us seeks it from time to time from friends and sometimes from therapists. Here are a few situations that call for repair. Can you use what you’ve read about here (as well as your own experiences, readings, observations, and so on) to explain what is going on in these situations?

What repair advice would you give to each of the people in these situations?

A. Friends and Colleagues Mike and Jim, friends for 20 years, had a falling out over the fact that Mike supported another person for promotion over Jim. Jim is resentful and feels that Mike should have given him his support, which was tantamount to getting the promotion and a good raise that Jim and his large family could surely use. Mike feels that his first obligation was to the company and chose the person he felt would do the best job. Mike thinks that if Jim feels this way and can’t understand or appreciate his motives, then he no longer wants to be friends. Assuming that both Mike and Jim want the friendship to continue or will at some later time, what do you suggest Mike do?

What do you suggest Jim do?

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B. Coming Out Tomas, a junior in college, recently came out as gay to his family. Contrary to his every expectation, they went ballistic. His parents want him out of the house and his two brothers refuse to talk with him. In fact, they have now come to refer to him only in the third person and then with derogatory hate speech. Assuming that all parties will be sorry at some later time if the relationship is not repaired, what would you suggest Tomas’s mother and father do? What do you suggest Tomas’s brothers do? What do you suggest Tomas do?

C. Betraying a Confidence Adrika and Ben, now in their twenties, have been best friends since elementary school; even now they speak every day and rely on each other for emotional and sometimes even financial support.

Recently, Adrika betrayed a confidence and told several mutual friends that Ben had been having emotional problems and had been considering suicide. Ben found out and no longer wants to maintain their friendship; in fact, Ben refuses to even talk with Adrika. Assuming that the friendship is better than bad and that both parties will be sorry if they don’t patch up the friendship, what would you suggest Adrika do? What do you suggest Ben do?

3. Till This Do Us Part (for small class, online class, or large lecture) This exercise is designed to stimulate you to examine the factors that might lead you to dissolve a romantic relationship. Listed here are a number of factors that might lead someone to end such a relationship. For each factor, identify the likelihood that you would dissolve romantic relationships of various types, using the following 10-point scale where: 10 = would definitely dissolve the relationship, 1 = would definitely not dissolve the relationship, and the numbers 2–9 would represent intermediate levels. Use 5 for “don’t know what I’d do.”

Factor

Budding romantic relationship of 1 or 2 weeks

1. Person lies frequently about insignificant and significant issues 2. Person abuses you emotionally and verbally 3. Person abuses you physically 4. Person is sexually unfaithful

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3

Steady dating for the last few months

Romantic relationship of about a year

Committed romantic relationship of 5 or more years

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5. Person has a gambling addiction 6. Person has an alcohol or soft drug addiction 7. Person has a hard drug addiction 8. Person engages in illegal activities—for example, drug dealing and petty larceny 9. Person has relatives and close friends whom you dislike 10. Person has a serious illness that will require lots of your time, energy, and financial resources 11. Person lacks ambition and doesn’t want to do anything of significance 12. Person has a commitment phobia and seems unwilling to increase the intimacy of the relationship 13. Person has very different religious beliefs than you do 14. Person refuses to self-disclose and is unwilling to reveal anything significant about past behavior or present feelings 15. Person is extremely negative and rarely has anything good to say about anything or anyone 16. Person embarrasses you because of bad manners, poor grammar, and inappropriate dress 17. Person does not want children in the relationship 18. Person has developed very poor hygiene habits 19. Person has very different political beliefs than you do 20. Person shares information about you and your relationship with

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others more than you are comfortable with 4. What Stage Is It? (for small class or online class) Divide the class into groups of four or five each. Give each group a relationship stage to act out. Have each group present a one- to two-minute skit that illustrates what happens in the stage. The class should then try to guess what stage it is.

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class or breakout rooms online) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter chapter concepts in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question.

Then, have one student from each group stand to report his or her group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

To what extent do movies, books, and the popular media show the formation, maintenance, and breakup of relationships?

•

Have you ever known someone who was in a relationship where you said to yourself: “What do they see in each other?” Use social exchange theory to try to determine what the person might have gotten out of the relationship.

•

What messages do the media send us regarding what kind of behavior can be expected at each stage of a relationship?

•

What are the advantages of interpersonal relationships? The disadvantages?

•

Do you believe in love at first sight? Why? How can you account for love at first sight with respect to the model of relationships shown in this chapter?

•

Realistically, how important is physical attractiveness in forming romantic relationships? Friendships? Business alliances?

•

Do you believe opposites attract? Does this always last?

•

What do the media teach us about forming, maintaining, and dissolving romantic relationships?

•

What has your family or role models taught you about forming, maintaining, and dissolving romantic relationships?

•

What does our culture teach us about the importance of friendship?

•

How does social media enhance relationship development? How does it make relationship development difficult? .

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2. Relationship Metaphors (for small class or online class) In small groups, ask students to brainstorm ways interpersonal relationships are like the following things or activities: An onion

A gift

Gambling

Heaven

A mirror

Prison

The ocean

A play

Hiking

A scale

A job

A puppy

You could also conduct this exercise another way: Give the small groups 10 minutes to develop as many original metaphors as they can. The group with the most metaphors can win a prize.

3. Ranking the Rules (for small class or online class) Ask students to rank the rules of friendship and/or romantic relationships listed in the text, in importance with number one being most important. Students should rank the rules individually, then in small groups. Group rankings and rationale should result. Ask the following questions to stimulate discussion: •

What was the most important rule? Why?

•

How similar were your rankings to others in your group? How did your reasons for the rankings differ?

•

Was it easy or difficult to come to a group decision?

•

How would you have ranked these when you were six years old? Twelve years old?

•

How might your rankings change with age? (e.g., How might you rank these at age 50? Age 80?)

•

What other factors might influence your rankings?

•

What did you learn from this exercise?

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

The Break-Up – This film can be used to discuss relationship dissolution. Gary and Brooke’s relationship in on the verge of dissolution when a turning point occurs and their honest feelings for each other come out.

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•

500 Days of Summer – This film features all the relationship stages discussed in the text, but an emphasis is placed upon the male lead’s infatuation with Summer during the initial contact stage. This film can also be used to discuss the attraction theory.

•

Grease – This film is an adaptation of the classic musical. Both of the lead characters use the politeness theory when approaching their relationship.

•

Grey’s Anatomy – This TV show can be used as a discussion of the proximity theory of relationship development, as most characters end up in a romantic relationship with a coworker.

•

How I Met Your Mother – This TV show depicts the development and dissolution of multiple relationships, allowing for discussion of a variety of chapter topics.

•

The Notebook – This film shows how one couple rediscovers their love for one another after a long absence.

•

Pride and Prejudice – This film shows how beliefs can influence relationships.

Deterioration and repair are depicted throughout the movie with several different types of relationships.

•

Marriage Story – This film details the dissolution of a relationship via divorce while the couple works to keep their family together.

WRITING EXERCISES Journal 9.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Ending the Relationship You want to break up your eight-month online (but very intense) romantic relationship. How would you do this?

Journal 9.2: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Disclosure You’re in a serious romantic relationship and planning on getting married next year and your partner presses you to reveal your past sexual experiences. You really don’t want to (you’re not very proud of your past); furthermore, you don’t think it’s relevant to your current relationship.

Today, your partner asks you directly to reveal this part of your past. What are your ethical obligations here? Are there certain aspects that you are ethically bound to reveal and other aspects that you are not ethically bound to reveal?

Journal 9.3: Interpersonal Choice Point – Refusing a Gift Positively A coworker with whom you’re becoming friendly gives you a gift that is too intimate for the level of your relationship. In fact, you don’t want the relationship to progress to this level, at least not just yet. What might you say to make your feelings known?

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Journal 9.4: Interpersonal Choice Point – Virtual Infidelity You discover that your partner of the last 15 years is being unfaithful with someone online (and in another country), breaking an important but unstated rule of your relationship. You understand that generally such infidelity is seen as a consequence of a failure in communication (Young, Griffin-Shelley, Cooper, O’Mara, & Buchanan, 2000). You want to discover the extent of this online relationship and your partner’s intentions in regard to this affair. What would be an effective way for you to deal with this situation?

Shared Writing: Projecting a Positive Image You’re entering a new school and want to be perceived as likeable and friendly, but also as serious and conscientious. What types of messages might help you achieve your dual goal?

Which might you try first?

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CHAPTER TEN: INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP TYPES

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 10.1

Define friendship and explain how it develops.

10.2

Describe the various types of love.

10.3

Summarize the characteristics of families and distinguish among couple and family types.

10.4

Describe how to create and maintain successful workplace relationships.

10.5

Explain the nature and function of some of the varied online relationships.

10.6

Explain the nature of, and the guidelines for dealing with, jealousy and violence.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter focuses on specific relationship types: (1) friendship, (2) love, (3) family, (4) workplace relationships, and (5) online relationships, identifying what these are and exploring how interpersonal communication within each of these relationships can be made more effective. We’ll also examine the dark side of some relationships in the final section.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Friendship Relationships A. We form relatively few in our lifetime, but they are very important.

B. Definition and Characteristics 1. Friendship—the interpersonal relationship between two interdependent persons that is mutually productive and characterized by mutual positive regard 2. “Personalistic focus”—react to each other as complete persons, as unique, genuine, and irreplaceable individuals Viewpoints: Friendship Choices C. Friendship Types 1. Friendships can be viewed based on functions, closeness, communication media, reality base, and interactions. a. Reciprocity—based on equality; each individual shares equally in giving and receiving the benefits .

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b. Receptivity—one person is primary giver and one is primary receiver; positive imbalance because both gaining c. Association—transitory 2. Friends with benefits—individuals engage in sexual relationships but without any romantic involvement, dating, or the thought of a shared future together 3. Frenemy—someone who appears on the surface to be a friend, but on a deeper level is not your friend D. Friendship Needs 1. Utility—someone with special skills who can help you 2. Affirmation—someone who helps you recognize your attributes 3. Ego support—someone who behaves in a supportive, encouraging, helpful manner 4. Stimulation—someone who introduces you to new ideas 5. Security—someone who does nothing to hurt you Interpersonal Choice Point: Asking a Favor E. Friendship and Communication 1. As the friendship progresses, depth and breadth as well as satisfaction increase.

2. Establishing and maintaining friendships are the major reasons for Internet communication.

3. Contact stage—Characteristics of effective interpersonal communication are usually present to only a small degree.

4. Involvement stage—There is a dyadic consciousness, and communication demonstrates a sense of immediacy. a. Network convergence—as a relationship between two people develops, they begin to share their network of other communicators 5. Close and intimate friendship stage—You and your friend see yourselves more as an exclusive unit, and each of you derives great benefits.

Viewpoints: Closeness Among Friends F. Friendship, Culture, and Gender 1. Culture and friendships a. Generally, friendships are closer in collectivist cultures than in individualist cultures.

2. Gender and friendships a. Women engage in significantly more affectional behaviors with their friends than do males. b. Men’s friendships are often built around shared activities, while women’s friendships are built more around a sharing of feelings and support. .

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c. Moving into the twenty-first century, the ways in which men and women develop and maintain friendships will likely change significantly.

The Cultural Map: Masculine and Feminine Orientation II. Love Relationships A. Love—a feeling characterized by closeness and caring and by intimacy, passion, and commitment Integrated Exercise: Love Styles Interpersonal Choice Point: From Friendship to Love B. Love Types 1. Eros: Beauty and Sexuality—sensitive to physical imperfections 2. Ludus: Entertainment and Excitement—experienced as a game 3. Storge: Peaceful and Slow—companionable and gradual 4. Pragma: Practical and Traditional—want compatibility, social qualifications, and a useful relationship 5. Mania: Elation and Depression—extreme highs and lows; jealousy tendency; obsessive; and tied to self-image 6. Agape: Compassionate and Selfless—spiritual, without concern for personal gain, and philosophical 7. Love changes and can move from one type to another.

Viewpoints: Romantic Love Integrated Exercise: Personality Factors in Love C. Love and Communication 1. You share emotions and experiences, you use an extra degree of politeness, and you frequently use personalized communication.

2. You engage in significant self-disclosure.

3. Nonverbal communication includes prolonged and focused eye contact, silence, affiliative cues, Duchenne smiles, and tie signs.

D. Love, Culture, and Gender 1. Culture and love a. Members of collectivist cultures are likely to spread their love over a large network of relatives, while members of individualist cultures are likely to place greater emphasis on romantic love and individual fulfillment.

Viewpoints: Love, Marriage, and Culture 2. Gender and love a. Women and men seem to experience love to a similar degree. .

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b. Men place more emphasis on romance than women.

III. Family Relationships A. Family is the entire group; primary relationship refers to the principal parties.

Viewpoints: The Family Through Time B. Characteristics of Families 1. Defined roles—wage earner, cook, child rearer, etc.

2. Recognition of responsibilities—financial, emotional, and temporal 3. Shared history and future—significant past interaction and potential for future interaction 4. Shared living space—a normal and ideal characteristic Interpersonal Choice Point: Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships C. Couple Types 1. Traditional couples—believe in mutual sharing and do little separately 2. Independent couples—spend great deal of time together but don’t ritualize it Viewpoints: Couple Combinations 3. Separate couples—live together but view the relationship as a matter of convenience rather than a result of mutual love or closeness D. Family Types 1. Based on two factors: a. Conformity orientation—the degree to which family members express similar or dissimilar attitudes, values, and beliefs b. Conversation orientation—the degree to which family members can speak their mind 2. There are four types of families. a. Consensual families—high in conformity and high in conversation b. Protective families—high in conformity and low in conversation c. Pluralistic families—low in conformity and high in conversation d. Laissez-faire families—low in conformity and low in conversation E. Family and Communication 1. The equality pattern exists more in theory than in practice and more in same-sex couples; each person shares equally in the communication transactions.

2. In the balanced split pattern, each person has authority over different domains.

3. In the unbalanced split pattern, one person dominates and is therefore regularly in control of the relationship. .

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4. In the monopoly pattern, one person is seen as the authority, and this person lectures rather than communicates.

F. Families, Culture, and Gender 1. Culture and families a. In most cultures, there’s pressure to marry “the right” person. b. Some cultures do not allow simple dissolution of a relationship once it is formed.

Viewpoints: Your Family Analyzed 2. Gender and families a. Different cultures have different rules for whether men and/or women can initiate and dissolve relationships. b. Gay and lesbian families are accepted in some cultures and condemned in others.

Understanding Interpersonal Skills: Supportiveness IV. Workplace Relationships A. Each workplace has a culture with rituals, norms, and rules for communicating.

B. Workplace Communication 1. Lateral communication—messages between equals 2. Upward communication—from lower to higher levels 3. Downward communication—from higher to lower levels 4. Grapevine messages—don’t follow any of the formal lines of communication established in an organization 5. Guidelines for workplace communication: a. Be respectful of a colleague’s time. b. Be respectful of a person’s territory. c. Follow the rules for effective electronic communication. d. Discard your Facebook grammar, spelling, acronyms, and smiley faces. e. Use the appropriate medium for sending messages. f. Avoid touching. g. Be willing to communicate. h. Understand the variety of purposes the grapevine serves. i. Be mindful of all your organizational communications. j. Treat everyone politely, even the newest intern.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Apologizing at Work

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C. Networking Relationships—used to help you get a job, solve problems, and gain new insights; informal or formal D. Mentoring Relationships—an experienced individual helps train someone less experienced; face-to-face or online E. Romantic Relationships at Work 1. Advantages of romance at work a. Americans are marrying later in life, so meeting prospective partners at work is logical. b. Romance at work can lead to greater work satisfaction.

2. Disadvantages of romance at work a. It may prove destructive for other workers and for management when making promotion or relocation decisions. b. It can be stressful when the romance goes bad or is one-sided.

Viewpoints: Romance in the Workplace Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Relationships V. Online Relationships A. Online relationships exist mainly or exclusively online.

B. Recommendations for tweeting (and other social networks) 1. Leave room for retweets (be brief).

2. Avoid “fast following” tools.

3. Tweet items of interest to yourself but also keep in mind your readers.

4. Treat criticism as the start of dialogue rather than a personal attack.

5. Tweet in moderation.

6. Tweet positively.

7. Create a complete profile, revealing what you want to be known.

8. Limit promotional materials.

9. Retweet if you wish to be retweeted.

C. Blogging and suggestions for making it more interactive 1. Offer syndication.

2. Be both informational and personal.

3. Be consistent in style and format.

4. Build your blog and posts around a theme.

5. Reply to comments to start dialogues.

6. Track statistics so you can get insights into posts. .

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7. Create attractive titles and relevant identifying labels.

D. Social/Workplace Networking 1. Be careful of uploading photos that might reflect on you negatively.

2. Be positive about your current position.

3. Avoid revealing any negative work habits.

4. Modify your friends list.

5. Give your social network profile more attention.

6. Keep your posts personal and informative.

7. Poke and tag in moderation.

8. Avoid asking to be friends with anyone you think might have difficulty with your seeing their more personal side.

VI. The Dark Side of Interpersonal Relationships A. Jealousy—a form of anger we have when we think our relationship is in danger due to some rival 1. The types of jealousy a. Cognitive—suspicious thinking and worrying b. Emotional—feelings you have c. Behavioral—what you actually do 2. Dealing with jealousy a. Negative interactive responses include nonverbally expressing your displeasure, threatening to become violent, being verbally aggressive, and withdrawing affection. b. Positive integrative communication includes messages that attempt to work things out.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Dealing with Jealousy B. Violence Integrated Exercise: Relationship Violence 1. Types of relationship violence a. Verbal or emotional abuse—humiliation, engaging in economic abuse, isolation, criticism, or stalking b. Physical abuse—threats of violence as well as pushing, hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, throwing things, and breaking things c. Sexual abuse—touching that is unwanted, accusations of sexual infidelity without reason, forced sex, and references to you in abusive sexual terms 2. Dealing with relationship violence .

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a. Realize that you’re not alone and that you’re not at fault. b. Plan for your safety. c. Know your resources.

KEY TERMS agape conformity orientation consensual families conversation orientation downward communication eros family frenemy friends with benefits friendship grapevine messages independent couples jealousy laissez-faire families lateral communication love

ludus mania mentoring network convergence networking pluralistic families pragma primary relationship protective families relationship violence separate couples storge supportiveness traditional couples upward communication

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Friendship Behaviors (for small class or online class) For each of the following three situations indicate (1) how you, as a friend, would respond, by writing the word “would” in the appropriate space; (2) how you think a good friend should respond, by writing “should” in the appropriate space; and (3) the qualities or characteristics you feel a good friend should have relevant to the situation, by completing the sentence “because a good friend should . . .”

After completing your responses for all three situations, answer the questions presented at the end of this exercise—alone, in dyads, or in small groups of five, six, or seven persons.

Friendship and Money Your closest friend has just gotten into serious debt through some misjudgment. You have saved $5,000 over the past few years and plan to buy a car upon graduation from college. Your friend asks to borrow the money, which could not be repaid for at least four or possibly five years. Although you do not need the car for work or for any other necessity, you have been looking forward to the day when you could get one. You’ve worked hard for it and feel you .

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deserve the car, but you are also concerned about the plight of your friend, who would be in serious trouble without the $5,000 loan. You wonder what you should do.

•

Lend your friend the money.

•

Tell your friend that you have been planning to buy the car for the last few years and that you cannot lend him or her the money.

•

Give your friend the money and tell your friend that there is no need to pay it back; after all, your friend already has enough problems without having to worry about paying money back.

•

Tell your friend that you already gave the $5,000 to your brother but that you would certainly have lent him or her the money if you still had it.

•

Other (you suggest an alternative).

Friendship and Advice Two friends, Alex and Taylor, have been dating for the past several months. They will soon enter into a more permanent relationship after graduation from college. Alex is now having second thoughts and is currently having an affair with another friend, Lee. Taylor tells you that there is probably an affair going on (which you know to be true) and seeks your advice. You are the only one who is friendly with all three parties. You wonder what you should do.

•

Tell Taylor everything you know.

•

Tell Alex to be honest with Taylor.

•

Say nothing; don’t get involved.

•

Suggest to Taylor that the more permanent relationship plan should be reconsidered, but don’t be specific.

•

Other (you suggest an alternative).

Friendship and Cheating Your anthropology instructor is giving a midterm and is grading it on a curve. Your close friend somehow manages to secure a copy of the examination a few days before it is scheduled. Because you are a close friend, the examination is offered to you as well. You refuse to look at it.

The examination turns out to be even more difficult than you had anticipated, the highest grade being a 68 (except for your friend’s, which was a 96). According to the system of curving used by this instructor, each grade will be raised by 4 points. But this means that the highest grade (aside from your friend’s) will be only a 72, or a C–. A few students will receive C–, about 30 percent to 40 percent will receive D, and the rest (more than 50 percent) will receive F. Although only you and your friend know what happened, you know that the instructor and the entire class are wondering why this one student, never particularly outstanding, did so well.

After curving, your grade is 70 (C–). You wonder what you should do. .

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•

Tell your friend to confess or you will tell the instructor yourself.

•

Tell the instructor what happened.

•

Say nothing; don’t get involved.

•

Other (you suggest an alternative).

After you have marked your choices, consider such questions as these: 1. Were there significant differences between the “would” and the “should” responses?

How do you account for these differences?

2. What values, standards, or models did you use in making the “should” responses?

Why did you choose them?

3. With which situation did you experience the greatest difficulty deciding what you would do? Can you explain why?

4. Does friendship necessarily entail the willingness to make sacrifices?

5. How would you define “friend”?

2. Mate Preferences: I Prefer Someone Who . . . (for small class or online class) This exercise is designed to stimulate a sharing of perspectives on what we want in a mate.

Each of the choices here concerns issues considered throughout this text. In a game-like setting, the importance of money, similarity, self-disclosure, and conflict strategies to relational desirability is explored.

“I Prefer Someone Who . . .” is played in a group of five to seven people. The general procedure is as follows. Each member individually ranks each of the three alternatives in the 15 groupings listed, using 1 for the most preferred and 3 for the least preferred choice. Then the group considers each of the 15 categories, with each member giving her or his rank order.

Members may refuse to reveal their rankings for any category by saying “I pass.” The group is not permitted to question the reasons for any member’s passing. When a member has revealed rankings for a category, the group members may ask questions relevant to that category. These questions may be asked after any individual member’s response or may be reserved until all members have given their rankings for a particular category.

I prefer someone who . . .

1.

is similar to me in race, religion, and nationality. is similar to me in attitudes, values, and opinions. is similar to me in personality.

2.

reduces my loneliness. enhances my self-esteem. increases my self-knowledge and self-growth.

3.

is deceptive. .

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is jealous. is boring.

4.

reveals his or her innermost secrets to me. reveals some secrets but keeps an equal number hidden from me. reveals hardly anything about his or her innermost secrets.

5.

keeps confidences. has a sense of humor. is intelligent.

6.

thinks money is most important. thinks friendship is most important. thinks job satisfaction is most important.

7.

talks more than listens. talks and listens about equally. listens more than talks.

8.

dresses at the cutting edge of fashion. dresses conventionally. dresses very conservatively.

9.

is empathic. is supportive. is confident.

10. wants to make most of the major decisions. wants to share equally in making the major decisions. wants me to make most of the major decisions.

11. is unattractive. is unemotional. is uncommunicative.

12. stands up for me in my absence. trusts me. tries to make me happy when I’m sad.

13. views love as a game, as fun; focuses on entertainment and excitement. views love as peaceful and slow; focuses on friendship and companionship. views love as physical and erotic; focuses on beauty and sexuality.

14. has great sex appeal. .

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has great intellectual appeal. has lots of money 15. is like a tiger. is like a puppy dog. is like a farm horse.

In discussing the choices of the group members, consider some or all of the following issues: 1.

What are the reasons for the choices? Where did these reasons come from? Were they acquired from parents, an older sibling, or a teacher? How has your culture influenced your choices? What has your culture taught you about the “ideal” partner? Be sure to consider the reasons for the least preferred choices as well as the most preferred. Both are revealing.

2.

Do men and women make similar choices? Explain.

3.

Does an ideal man or an ideal woman emerge from the composite rankings? Does a least preferred man or a least preferred woman emerge? If so, describe these types as specifically as possible.

4.

If the title of this exercise were “I am someone who . . .” how similarly or differently would you respond to these choices? How close to yourself is your ideal mate?

3. The Television Relationship (for small class or online class) This exercise can be used to focus on any interpersonal concept—for example, conflict, power, relationship development, communication effectiveness, assertiveness, or any number of other topics considered throughout this text. The class should be separated into several small groups. The groups may each watch a different sitcom, drama, reality show, or soap opera or may watch the same program but focus on different concepts.

One procedure is to have each group select a topic (say, conflict). The group should meet briefly to work up a list of questions or “viewing guides” to help focus their attention and to make sure that the concept is covered fully. Each member should then watch and analyze a television program for the way in which it portrays and deals with the concept. To illustrate the type of questions that might prove helpful, here are some on the concept of conflict: •

How is conflict illustrated in this television relationship?

•

What principles about conflict can you derive solely on the basis of this television relationship? How would you use this television episode to illustrate one or more principles of conflict?

•

Does this television relationship illustrate the differences between productive and unproductive conflict management skills? Can you cite specific examples?

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•

Does this television episode try to teach a lesson or moral? Did the episode persuade or influence you in any way? For example, did it strengthen a belief you already had?

•

Does the treatment of conflict in this episode reflect cultural values and beliefs?

4. Combining the Types (for small class or online class) Divide the class into five groups: traditionals, independents, separates, separate-traditionals, and traditional-independents Ask the groups to create brief (30 seconds each) two-person role-plays using the following patterns: equality, balanced split, unbalanced split, and monopoly.

Ask the following questions: •

Which of the types and patterns seemed to fit together? Which did not?

•

Which of the combinations would you most prefer? Least? Why?

•

Which of the combinations have you witnessed most often in your life? How successful were they, and why?

5. Personal Network Analysis (for small class, online class, or large lecture) Ask students to draw their individual personal networks of communication. By the end of the task (15–20 minutes), a spider web of relationships will result for each student. Any of the following prompts might be useful: •

Place yourself somewhere near the middle of your paper.

•

Create separate “branches” for family, school, friends, work, etc. For this exercise, only include people you have talked to in the last week.

•

Connect people who talk to one another with lines. If they communicate frequently, draw heavy lines; if sometimes, draw a thin line; and if rarely, draw a dotted line.

Use the following questions to debrief: •

How does your network compare to your classmates’ networks?

•

Describe your network in terms of number of branches, number of contacts, and balance/how contacts tend to cluster. What do you think of this network?

•

Who are the people most central to you in your network?

•

Are people in your network connected or separated from one another? How satisfied are you with that?

•

How might you change your personal network? What areas would you like to develop?

•

How much does your network change if you included people you communicated with via text message rather than actually talking to them? .

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DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class or online class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter interpersonal relationships in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups or breakout rooms of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report her or his group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

Develop a collective definition of family on which you all agree. Who is included in your family? Extended family, such as cousins? Must children be present to have a family? Can pets be included in a family? Friends? Coworkers?

•

Should couples live together before marriage? Why or why not? Does a cohabitating couple have as real a union as a traditional marriage?

•

Most of the world’s marriages are arranged. What are the benefits and disadvantages of arranged marriages? What are the benefits and disadvantages of marriages based on emotional affiliation?

•

What has your family or role models taught you about marriage? Do you agree or disagree with those assertions? Why?

•

Have you ever witnessed a workplace relationship at your place of employment? Did it cause any problems?

•

Have you ever had a friend from another culture who had different expectations of friendship than you did?

•

Do you think online communication has strengthened your family’s communication, lessened it, or had no effect on it?

•

How has social media affected your friendships? Your relationships with coworkers?

Has it overall been positive or negative?

2. Debating Love and Friendship (for small class or online class) Organize debate teams in class. Give teams ten minutes to prepare arguments for either of the topics below. Debates should last five to ten minutes.

•

Which type of friendship is best? Worst?

•

Which type of love is best? Worst?

Students should surmise why they are arguing as they are; encourage them to think of examples from their experience or the lives they’ve observed. As well, they should consider their arguments from a cultural perspective. That is, in light of what they’ve learned about the cultural system in which their relationships are operating, which type of friendship or love works best?

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You may wish to appoint a panel of two or three students—ethics judges—who have the right of interruption, so they can make inquiries regarding the ethicality of students’ arguments.

3. Avoiding Relationship Violence (for small class or online class) Show the class video clips from movies such as Sling Blade that depict relationship violence.

Have the class write down the behaviors and reactions they notice from the movie clips. Break the class into small groups and ask them to discuss these behaviors and why they are so dangerous.

You can also ask the students to research the local and national help groups available for people who are victims or perpetrators of abuse. What help is available on your campus?

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

Bones – This TV show can start a discussion of various types of love, as all of the main characters are in relationships with people they work with.

•

Friends – This TV show provides many scenes that can be used for a discussion of friendship. Episodes and scenes can be analyzed in terms of friendship types and needs, as well as forms of communication in friendships. It can also be used to analyze gender differences in both friendship and love.

•

The Hunger Games – This film features many mentor–protégé relationships. It can also be used for a discussion of friendship needs, as well as love and families.

•

Jerry McGuire – This film is a heart-warming movie where a marriage begun for practical reasons evolves into a union filled with love.

•

Mean Girls – This film can be used to demonstrate the concept of frenemies.

•

Modern Family – This TV show demonstrates that the structure of the traditional family is evolving. Each family possesses a unique collection of members with different roles and responsibilities.

•

No Strings Attached – This film features a friends-with-benefits type of relationship.

•

The Outsiders – This film focuses on the bond between a gang of “greasers.” The members of the gang all fulfill one another’s friendship needs, including utility, affirmation, ego support, stimulation, and security.

•

Sense8 – This TV show features many intercultural, interracial, gay, lesbian, and trans romantic relationships.

•

Sling Blade – This film shows the effect one violent boyfriend has on a family and the people who care for them.

•

Steel Magnolias – This film can serve as a vehicle through which students can explore several different types of relationships: friendships, romantic relationships, and familial .

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relationships. What characterizes effective communication in the film? What characterizes ineffective communication?

•

Little Women – The film explores several different types of relationships the March sisters and their mother form.

WRITING EXERCISES Journal 10.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Asking a Favor You need to borrow $200 from your work colleague, and you have no idea when you’ll be able to pay it back. In what way would you ask for this loan?

Journal 10.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – From Friendship to Love You have a great friendship with a colleague at work, but recently these feelings of friendship are turning to feelings of love. What might you do to move this friendship to love, or at least to discover if the other person would be receptive to this change?

Journal 10.3: Interpersonal Choice Point – Maintaining Long-Distance Relationships You and your romantic partner are going to separate graduate schools—some 2,000 miles apart.

You both want your relationship to continue and eventually to be together after completing graduate school. Among your communication options for keeping in touch and maintaining the relationship, which would you consider the most important?

Journal 10.4: Interpersonal Choice Point – Apologizing at Work You’ve been very successful in the stock market, so when you got the best tip ever, you shared it with three of your friends at work. Unfortunately, the stock tanked, your colleagues lost several thousand dollars each, and the situation at work is uncomfortable at best. What might you say to these colleagues to lessen the discomfort everyone is feeling?

Journal Prompt 10.5: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Relationships You’re working with a group of fellow students on a class assignment. The problem is that Jack doesn’t do any work and misses most of the out-of-class meetings. You spoke with him about it, and he confided that he’s going through a rough time and can’t concentrate on the project. You feel sorry for Jack and have been carrying him for the last few months, but you realize now that you’ll never be able to bring the project in on time if you don’t replace Jack. Also, you don’t want to get a bad grade because of Jack. What would you do in this situation?

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Journal Prompt 10.6: Interpersonal Choice Point—Dealing with Jealousy Your romantic partner of the last 6 months has recently been showing signs of jealousy with absolutely no cause. This is making you feel uncomfortable and is restricting your enjoyment of other friends and activities that don’t include your partner. You want to continue this relationship but you want the jealousy to stop. What are some of the things you might say?

Shared Writing: The Meaning of “Friend” What do you mean by “friend”? Identify as least three or four or five qualities a person must have for you to consider them a friend? What three, four, or five qualities would a person have that would disqualify them as a friend? What is the single most important qualifier? The single most important disqualifier?

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CHAPTER ELEVEN: INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 11.1

Define interpersonal conflict, some popular myths, and some issues that create conflict.

11.2

Describe the major principles of interpersonal conflict.

11.3

Describe the influences on, and the strategies for, effective conflict management.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter addresses interpersonal conflict, one of the most important topics in the study of interpersonal communication. As you’ll see in this chapter, an understanding of interpersonal conflict and the skills for effective conflict management are essential to all forms of interpersonal interaction. After introducing a few preliminary concepts, this chapter focuses on the principles of conflict, and the strategies for managing interpersonal conflict effectively.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Preliminaries to Interpersonal Conflict A. Definition of Interpersonal Conflict—a disagreement between or among connected individuals who perceive their goals as incompatible 1. Conflict occurs when people are: a. Interdependent b. Mutually aware that their goals are incompatible c. Perceived as interfering with the attainment of the other’s goals 2. The greater the interdependency, the greater the number of issues on which conflict can center and the greater the impact on the individuals and the relationship.

B. Myths about Interpersonal Conflict Integrated Exercise: Myths about Conflict 1. Conflict is best avoided.

2. Conflict means a relationship is in trouble.

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3. Conflict damages an interpersonal relationship.

4. Conflict is destructive because it reveals our negative selves.

5. Conflict always has a winner and a loser.

C. Interpersonal Conflict Issues 1. Content conflict centers on objects, events, and persons in the world that are usually external to the people involved in the conflict.

2. Relationship conflicts are concerned with the relationships between the individuals.

3. There are six major issues that lead to couple conflicts. a. Intimacy b. Power c. Personal flaws d. Personal distance e. Social f. Distrust 4. Workplace conflict center on five major issues. a. Personality differences b. Ineffective leadership c. Lack of openness d. Physical and emotional stress e. Differences in values 5. Social allergen—personal habit of a friend or romantic partner that you find annoying, unpleasant, distasteful, impolite, inconsiderate, uncouth, or just plain bothersome 6. Online conflicts include trolling, cyberbullying, and flaming.

Viewpoints: Conflict Issues Interpersonal Choice Point: Escalating to Relationship Conflict II. Principles of Interpersonal Conflict A. Conflict Is Inevitable B. Conflict Can Have Negative and Positive Effects 1. Negative effects—Conflict often leads to increased negative feelings, may deplete energy better spent on other areas, and may lead you to close yourself off from the other individual.

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2. Positive effects—Conflict forces you to examine a problem, causes your relationship to become stronger, prevents hostilities and resentments from festering, and shows that you think the relationship is worth the effort.

Viewpoints: Conflict Style Changes C. Conflict Is Influenced by Culture and Gender 1. Culture influences topics, nature of conflict, conflict strategies, and organizational norms.

The Cultural Map: Individualism and Collectivism 2. Gender influences are not supported by all research, but it is typically found that men are more apt to withdraw from conflict and that women want to get closer to the conflict.

Viewpoints: Gender Differences D. Conflict Styles Have Consequences 1. Competing style—I win, you lose 2. Avoiding style—I lose, you lose 3. Accommodating style—I lose, you win 4. Collaborating style—I win, you win; the ideal 5. Compromising style—I win and lose, you win and lose E. Conflict Management Is a Multistep Process 1. Step 1: Set the stage.

2. Step 2: Define the conflict. a. Define both content and relationship issues. b. Define the problem in specific terms. c. Focus on the present: avoid gunnysacking. d. Empathize. e. Avoid mind reading.

3. Step 3: Identify your goals.

4. Step 4: Identify and evaluate your choices.

5. Step 5: Act on the selected choice.

6. Step 6: Evaluate the choice. a. Fact hat—examine facts and figures in the problem b. Feeling hat—examine the emotions involved

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c. Negative argument hat—become the devil’s advocate d. Positive benefits hat—look at the upside of the solution e. Creative new idea hat—examine the problem in new ways f. Control of thinking hat—reflect on your own thinking Viewpoints: Online and Face-to-Face Conflicts 7. Step 7: Wrap it up.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Confronting a Problem III. Conflict Management Strategies A. Strategies are influenced by a variety of factors: 1. The goals to be achieved 2. Your emotional state 3. Your cognitive assessment of the situation 4. Your personality and communication competence 5. Your family history 6. Your culture Integrated Exercise: Conflict Strategies B. Suggestions for managing problems and conflicts during isolation 1. Recognize that people need alone time.

2. Desensitize yourself to small irritants.

3. Work on getting things done.

4. Apply the 10-10-10 rule (what will it mean in 10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years).

5. Be especially polite.

6. Increase your empathy.

7. Communicate with each other.

C. Win–Lose and Win–Win Strategies 1. Win-win strategies lead to mutual satisfaction in “solving the problem”; those involved more likely to abide by decision 2. Win-lose strategies can lead to resentment; conflict viewed negatively D. Avoidance and Active Fighting Strategies 1. Avoidance—may involve physical flight or emotional and intellectual avoidance a. As avoidance increases, relationship satisfaction decreases. .

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b. It may be in response to demand (demand–withdrawal pattern).

2. Nonnegotiation—person refuses to direct any attention to managing the conflict or to listen to the other person’s argument 3. Silencers—conflict techniques that literally silence the other individual, such as crying E. Force and Talk Strategies 1. The only real alternative to force is talk.

2. To talk more effectively, act the role of listener, express your support or empathy, and state your thoughts and feelings.

Viewpoints: Violence Never Means Love F. Face-Attacking and Face-Enhancing Strategies 1. Face-attacking strategies attack a person’s positive face or negative face.

2. Face-enhancing strategies are more polite and effective.

3. Face-attacking strategies include beltlining and blaming.

Viewpoints: Conflict Resolution Interpersonal Choice Point: Dealing with Face Attacks G. Verbal Aggressiveness and Argumentativeness Strategies 1. Verbal aggressiveness—trying to win an argument by inflicting psychological pain; a type of disconfirmation Viewpoints: Culture and Aggressiveness 2. Argumentativeness—your willingness to argue for a point of view, your tendency to speak your mind on significant issues a. It is the preferred alternative to verbal aggressiveness. b. Argumentativeness is distinct from aggressiveness because it: i. Is constructive ii. Leads to relationship satisfaction iii. May prevent relationship violence iv. Enhance organizational life v. Enhances parent-child communication vi. Increases the user’s credibility vii. Increases the user’s power of persuasion in a variety of communication contexts c. Strategies for cultivating argumentativeness .

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i. Treat disagreements as objectively as possible. ii. Attack the argument, not the person. iii. Reaffirm the other person’s sense of competence. iv. Avoid interrupting. v. Stress equality. vi. Express interest. vii. Remain dispassionate. viii.

Allow the other person to save face.

Viewpoints: Gender, Argumentativeness, and Aggressiveness Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Fighting

KEY TERMS accommodating style argumentativeness avoidance avoiding style beltlining collaborating style competing style compromising style conflict styles content conflict cyberbullying equality face-attacking strategies

face-enhancing strategies flaming gunnysacking interpersonal conflict nonnegotiation relationship conflicts silencers social allergen trolling verbal aggressiveness win–lose strategies win–win strategies

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Analyzing a Conflict Episode (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Here is a brief dialogue written to illustrate the unproductive conflict strategies discussed in the text (avoidance, force, blame, silencers, gunnysacking, fighting below the belt, face-detracting, verbal aggressiveness, and verbal abuse) as well as the failure to use their more productive counterparts (active fighting, talk, empathy, open expression, present focus, fighting above the belt, face-enhancing, and argumentativeness).

Identify the conflict strategies used by Pat and Chris so you can see the strategies as they operate in an interactional context. You may also find it profitable to write a continuation of the dialogue. Assume, for example, that Pat and Chris meet a few weeks later and wish to .

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patch things up. How might the dialogue proceed if they used the principles of effective interpersonal communication and conflict management?

PAT:

It’s me. Just came in to get my papers for the meeting tonight.

CHRIS:

You’re not going to another meeting, are you?

PAT:

I told you last month that I had to give a lecture to the new managers on how to use some new research methods. What do you think I’ve been working on for the past two weeks? If you cared about what I do, you’d know that I was working on this lecture and that it was especially important that it go well.

CHRIS:

What about shopping? We always do the shopping on Friday night.

PAT:

The shopping will have to wait; this lecture is important.

CHRIS:

Shopping is important, too, and so are the children and so is my job and so is the leak in the basement that’s been driving me crazy for the past week and that I’ve asked you to look at every day since I found it.

PAT:

We can do the shopping anytime. Your job is fine and the children are fine and we’ll get a plumber just as soon as I get the name from the Johnsons.

CHRIS:

You always do that. You always think only you count, only you matter. Even when we were in school, your classes were the important ones, your papers, your tests were the important ones. Remember when I had that chemistry final and you had to have your history paper typed? We stayed up all night typing your paper. I failed chemistry, remember? That’s not so good when you’re premed! I suppose I should thank you for my not being a doctor? But you got your A in history. It’s always been that way. You never give a damn about what’s important in my life.

PAT:

I really don’t want to talk about it. I’ll only get upset and bomb out with the lecture. Forget it. I don’t want to hear any more about it. So just shut up before I do something I should do more often.

CHRIS:

You hit me and I’ll call the cops. I’m not putting up with another black eye or another fat lip—never, never again.

PAT:

Well, then, just shut up. I just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Forget it. I have to give the lecture and that’s that.

CHRIS:

The children were looking forward to going shopping. Blake wanted to get a new hat, and Rose needed to get a book for school. You promised them.

PAT:

I didn’t promise anyone anything. You promised them, and now you want me to take the blame. You know, you promise too much. You should only promise what you can deliver—like fidelity. Remember you promised to be faithful? Or did you forget that promise? Why don’t you tell the kids that? Or do they already know? Were they here when you had your sordid affair? Did they see their loving parent loving some stranger?

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CHRIS:

I thought we agreed not to talk about that. You know how bad I feel about what happened. And anyway, that was six months ago. What does that have to do with tonight?

PAT:

You’re the one who brought up promises, not me. You’re always bringing up the past. You live in the past.

CHRIS:

Well, at least the kids would have seen me enjoying myself—one enjoyable experience in eight years isn’t too much, is it?

PAT:

I’m leaving. Don’t wait up.

2. Dealing with Conflict Starters (for small class, large lecture, or online course) The purpose of this exercise is to give you some practice in responding to potential interpersonal conflicts. Although we will provide a lot of examples of unproductive and productive conflict strategies, use your own conflict experiences as a guide in this exercise. For each situation: a. Write an unproductive response, that is, a response that will aggravate the potential conflict. Why do you assume this response will intensify the conflict? b. Write a productive response, that is, a response that will lessen the potential conflict.

Why do you assume this response will help resolve the conflict?

Conflict “Starters” 1. You’re late again. You’re always late. Your lateness is so inconsiderate of my time and my interests.

2. I just can’t bear another weekend of sitting home watching cartoon shows with the kids. I’m just not going to do that again.

3. Who forgot to phone for reservations?

4. Why are you listed as single on Facebook?

5. Well, there goes another anniversary, and another anniversary that you forgot.

6. You think I’m fat, don’t you?

7. Just leave me alone.

8. Did I hear you say your mother knows how to dress?

9. We should have been more available for him; I was always at work.

10. Where’s the pepper? Is there no pepper in this house?

11. The Romeros think we should spend our money and start enjoying life.

12. I saw you’re following your ex on Instagram.

After you’ve finished reading this chapter, you may wish to return to this exercise and do it again. At that point, ask yourself if your attitudes toward conflict have changed. Will you approach interpersonal conflict differently? Will you use different conflict strategies?

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3. Generating Win–Win Solutions (for small class, online class, or large lecture) In any interpersonal conflict, you have a choice. You can look for solutions in which one person wins, usually you, and one person loses, usually the other person (win–lose solutions).

Or you can look for solutions in which you and the other person both win (win–win solutions).

Although win–win solutions are obviously more desirable, people often fail to even consider if there are possible win–win solutions and what they might be. To get into the habit of looking for win–win solutions, consider the following conflict situations. For each situation, generate as many possible win–win solutions that you feel the individuals involved in the conflict could reasonable accept. Give yourself two minutes for each case. Write down all win–win solutions that you think of; don’t censor yourself.

1. Nathan and Javier plan to take a two-week vacation in August. Nathan wants to go to the shore and relax by the water. Javier wants to go the mountains to hike and camp.

2. Aliyah recently got a $3,000 totally unexpected bonus. Aliyah wants to buy a new computer and printer to augment the office; Jason wants to take a muchneeded vacation.

3. Sam hangs around the house in underwear. Lila really hates this and they argue about it almost daily.

4. Philip has recently come out as gay to his parents. He wants them to accept him and his lifestyle (which includes a committed relationship with another man). His parents refuse to accept him and want him to seek religious counseling to change.

5. Workers at the local bottling plant want a 20 percent raise to bring them into line with the salaries of similar workers at other plants. Management has repeatedly turned down their requests.

6. Larisa has built up a social media following and spends a lot of time on her smartphone and computer. Nicolette resents this, as it takes time away from their relationship.

If possible, share your win–win solutions with other individuals or groups. From this experience it should be clear that win–win solutions exist for most conflict situations but not necessarily all. And, of course, some situations will allow for the easy generation of a lot more win–win solutions than others. Not all conflicts are equal. How might you incorporate win–win strategies into your own conflict management behavior?

4. Show and Tell (for small class or online class) Instruct the students to bring in to class a conflict from a song, video game, movie, television show, or book. Distribute those choices evenly among your students so a wide variety of media are represented—so the students can see collectively what messages the media send regarding conflict. The students should bring in the artifacts (audio clip, video clip, or transcript) to the next class, show them, and explain whether the conflict is handled well or not. If the conflict is handled badly, the students can explain how the conflict could be resolved more productively. .

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DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class or online class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter conflict in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group stand to report her or his group’s proceedings. Below are some suggested topics: •

In its dealings with other countries, what does the United States exemplify in terms of conflict? What is its official policy? What is its actual policy?

•

Which is harder to achieve: compromise or win–win solutions? Why? Which is more rewarding in the long run?

•

What is your main conflict style? Why do you prefer it? Is it always productive?

•

What did your family or role models teach you about conflict? Be as specific as possible, and cite examples where appropriate.

•

What do the media teach you about conflict? Be specific, and provide examples to support your assertions.

•

How do other cultures deal with conflict? What do they teach about conflict?

•

Which do you prefer: the term conflict management or conflict resolution? Why?

•

What issues usually cause the most problems in your workplace relationships?

•

How can conflict management strategies be applied to issues with strangers on social media? How do the ways in which we manage conflict differ in face-to-face conversation compared with online conversation?

2. Conflict Card Role-Plays (for small class or online class) Before class, cut index cards in half to make playing cards or use document files you can share electronically for an online class. Make sure to create enough cards for each student to have one. Two cards for each behavior would be ideal. Put one of the following behaviors on each card: Gunnysacker

Blamer

Mindreader

Critical thinker

Nonnegotiator

Silencer

Forcer

Face-enhancer

Verbal aggressor

Argumentative

Instruct students, in small groups or breakout rooms, to decide on a common interpersonal conflict issue in their lives. Pass out cards. Each student should take one card and perform that .

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behavior in the role-play. Collect and pass out the cards as many times as necessary. Ask the following questions to debrief: •

Was it difficult to role-play these behaviors? Did you have more trouble with some than others?

•

What combinations were most effective? Least effective?

•

How did you feel in response to the others?

•

Did your role-play approximate any of your real-life relationships?

•

What did you learn from this exercise?

3. Choose a Hat (for small class or online class) Divide the class into small groups. Each group should be given a workplace conflict to resolve.

Have them use the stages of conflict management to solve the problem. When they get to the stage where they evaluate the solution, each student should take on a different “hat” to discuss the solution (fact, feeling, negative argument, positive benefits, creative new idea, or control of thinking).

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS Because some kind of conflict is at the heart of every movie, require students to watch their favorite film and evaluate it in terms of this chapter’s concepts, including principles, styles used and their effectiveness, and how culture influences the conflict depicted. If possible, they should determine whether the film traces the conflict through the stages of management. As well, students should determine when verbal aggressiveness or verbal argumentativeness is used.

The students should also discuss if this movie has anything to do with how the characters deal with conflict, and why. This exercise should enable the student to examine the fundamental principles behind their entertainment choices.

You can ask the students to play an example supporting their assertions in class, write a two-page paper, or both.

WRITING EXERCISES Journal 11.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Escalating to Relationship Conflict Your own interpersonal conflicts often start as content conflicts but quickly degenerate into relationship conflicts; it goes from “you didn’t call when you said you would” to “you obviously don’t care about our relationship”—and that’s when things get ugly. What might you do to keep conflicts and their resolution focused on content and not escalate to relationship conflict?

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Journal 11.2: Interpersonal Choice Point – Confronting a Problem Your next-door neighbor never puts out the garbage in time for pickup, so the garbage—often broken into by animals—remains until the next pickup. You’re fed up with rodents the garbage attracts, the smell, and the horrible appearance. How would you most likely deal with this problem?

Journal 11.3: Interpersonal Choice Point – Dealing with Face Attacks Sara and Margaret, both in their early 20s, want to get married. Both sets of parents are adamantly opposed to same-sex marriage, however, and want Sara and Margaret to stop seeing each other and enter “reparative” therapy. What might Sara and Margaret do to deal with this conflict?

Journal 11.4: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Fighting At your high-powered, highly stressful job and with certain colleagues, you sometimes snort a bit of cocaine. This happens rarely, and you don’t use any other drugs at any other times. Your relationship partner—who you know hates drugs and despises people who use any such drug— asks you if you’ve been snorting cocaine. Because it’s such a limited use, and because you know that admitting this will cause a huge conflict in a relationship that’s already having difficulties, you wonder if, ethically, you can lie about this. What would you do?

Shared Writing: Conflict Management Take a good look at your own interpersonal conflict management behaviors both on- and offline.

What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Try to identify at least three strengths and three weaknesses. How might you lessen or eliminate any of your unproductive behaviors?

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CHAPTER TWELVE: INTERPERSONAL POWER AND INFLUENCE

CHAPTER OBJECTIVES Once you have read this chapter, you should be able to: 12.1

Describe the major principles of interpersonal power and influence.

12.2

Describe the types of power that reside in the relationship, in the person, and in the message and some of the ways to resist power and influence.

12.3

Explain sexual harassment, bullying, and power plays as misuses of power.

12.4

Define prosocial communication and identify some influences on and some effects of such communication.

CHAPTER SUMMARY This chapter discusses interpersonal communication power. Power influences what you do, when you do it, and with whom you do it. It influences your choice of friends, your romantic and family relationships, and your workplace relationships. Here we examine the key principles of power; the kinds of power in the relationship, in the person, and in the message; and three misuses of power: sexual harassment, bullying, and power plays. We conclude with a discussion of prosocial communication.

CHAPTER OUTLINE I. Principles of Power and Influence A. Some People Are More Powerful Than Others 1. Power is asymmetrical 2. Social media power is an element of power today and may be tracked in the following ways: a. Number of friends or followers b. Number of people who access your posts c. Frequency with which you post or tweet d. Number of people who respond e. Statistical changes over time to your posts or tweets

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Viewpoints: Redistributing Power B. Power Can Be Shared 1. By empowering others, you actually grow in power.

2. Empower others by raising their self-esteem; being open, positive, empathic, and supportive; and sharing skills and decision making.

C. Power Can Be Increased or Decreased 1. Power priming—imagining a time when you had power 2. Power decreases when trying to control someone unsuccessfully, or allowing someone to control you Interpersonal Choice Point: Increasing Power D. Power Follows the Principle of Less Interest E. Power Generates Privilege 1. Those with power have privileges in communication, touch, the final word, and rule breaking.

2. The greater the power distance, the greater the license of the more powerful person.

Viewpoints: Power and Empathy F. Power Is Influenced by Culture 1. Cultures differ in power distance.

2. Cultures also differ in the attitudes people have about power, its legitimacy, and its desirability.

The Cultural Map: High- and Low-Power Distance II. Relationship, Person, and Message Power A. Power in the Relationship Integrated Exercise: Interpersonal Power 1. Referent power—others wish to be like you or be identified with you; based on attractiveness and prestige 2. Legitimate power—others believe you have the right by virtue of your position to influence or control their behavior 3. Expert power—others see you as having expertise or knowledge a. It is usually subject specific. b. It increases when you are seen as unbiased and as having nothing to gain personally from influencing others.

Viewpoints: Gender and Influence

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4. Information or persuasion power—others see you as having the ability to communicate logically and persuasively 5. Reward power—have the ability to reward people 6. Coercive power—have the ability to gain compliance by administering punishments or removing rewards 7. If attempts to gain compliance backfire, negative power occurs.

Viewpoints: Power on the Job B. Power in the Person 1. Credibility—the degree to which other people regard you as believable and hence influential Integrated Exercise: Credibility 2. Competence—knowledge and expertise 3. Character—honesty and trustworthiness 4. Charisma—personality and dynamism Viewpoints: Power in the Media

C. Power in the Message 1. Verbal messages a. Suggestions for exerting power and influence and persuading others: i. Direct request is the most common compliance-gaining strategy used. ii. Bargaining or promising involves agreeing to do something if the other person does something. iii. Ingratiation requires you to act especially kindly. iv. Manipulation involves making the other person feel guilty or jealous enough to give you what you want. v. Threatening involves warning the other person that unpleasant things will happen if you don’t get what you want. b. Verbal messages that seem to weaken power and influence: i. Hesitations make you sound unprepared and uncertain. ii. Overusing intensifiers makes everything sound the same and doesn’t allow you to intensify what should be emphasized. iii. Disqualifiers signal a lack of competence and a feeling of uncertainty. iv. Tag questions ask for another’s agreement and therefore may signal your need for agreement and your own uncertainty. v. Self-critical statements signal a lack of confidence and may make public your own inadequacies. .

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vi. Slang expressions and vulgar expressions signal low social class and little power.

2. Nonverbal messages a. Suggestions for communicating power nonverbally: i.

Respond in kind.

ii.

Avoid adaptors.

iii. Send a consistent message. iv. Maintain comfort and mobility. v.

Touch.

vi. Exercise a strong handshake. vii. Dress conservatively. viii. Use facial expressions and gestures as appropriate. ix. Walk slowly and deliberately. x.

Maintain eye contact.

xi. Watch your distance.

Viewpoints: Visual Dominance b. Compliance-gaining strategies include reciprocation, commitment, authority, social validation, scarcity, and liking.

Ethics in Interpersonal Communication: The Ethics of Compliance-Gaining 3. Listening D. Resisting Power and Influence 1. Negotiation—you attempt to accommodate to each other or to compromise in some way 2. Nonnegotiation—you resist compliance without any attempt to compromise; you simply state your refusal to do as asked without any qualification 3. Justification—you resist compliance by giving reasons why you should not comply 4. Identity management—you manipulate the image of the person making the request; includes negative identity management and positive identity management Interpersonal Choice Point: Refusing a Request III. Misuses of Power A. Sexual Harassment 1. Sexual harassment violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, as amended by the Civil Rights Act of 1991. .

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2. Defining sexual harassment a. In quid pro quo harassment, employment opportunities are dependent on the granting of sexual favors. b. Hostile environment harassment is much broader and includes all sexual behaviors, verbal and nonverbal, that make a worker uncomfortable.

Viewpoints: Harassment on Campus b 3. Recognizing sexual harassment a. It is real? b. It is job related? c. Did you reject this behavior? d. Have these types of messages persisted?

4. Avoiding behaviors associated with sexual harassment a. Begin with the assumption that coworkers are not interested in your sexual advances. b. Listen and watch for negative reactions. c. Avoid saying or doing anything that your parent, partner, or child would find offensive in the behavior of someone he or she worked with.

5. Responding to sexual harassment a. Talk to the harasser. b. Collect evidence. c. Begin with appropriate channels within the organization. d. File a complaint. e. Don’t blame yourself.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Harassing Behavior B. Bullying—abusive acts repeatedly committed by one person (or group) against another 1. Types of bullying: a. Gossiping about someone b. Treating others as inferior c. Excluding members from social functions d. Verbal insults, name-calling e. Negative facial expressions, sneering, avoiding eye contact f. Excessive blaming g. Being supervised more closely than others .

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h. Being unnecessarily criticized, often with shouting and in public i. Cyberbullying—takes place through any electronic communication system and can take the form of sending threatening messages or images, posting negative comments, revealing secrets, or lying about another person Viewpoints: Cyberbullying 2. Dealing with bullying a. Workers and organizations need to be clear about their opposition to bullying. b. If possible and there is no danger, confront the bully assertively. c. Take action when you or someone else is bullied.

C. Power Plays—patterns (not isolated instances) of behavior that take unfair advantage of another person 1. Choices for responding to power plays: a. Ignore it. b. Neutralize it. c. Cooperate.

2. Major types of power plays: a. Nobody upstairs—the individual refuses to acknowledge your request b. You owe me—someone does something for you and then demands something in return c. Yougottobekidding—the listener puts down your ideas to discredit you d. Metaphor—sometimes difficult to identify as a power maneuver e. Thought stopper—designed to stop your thinking and especially to stop you from expressing your thoughts IV. Prosocial Communication A. The Nature of Prosocial Communication 1. Prosocial communication—communication that benefits another individual, group, society, or the entire species in some way 2. The definition varies with the culture.

B. Factors Influencing Prosocial Communication 1. Similarity 2. Relationship bonds 3. Expectations of reciprocity 4. History of reinforcement 5. Expectation of reward

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6. Personality—prosocial behavior is not necessarily altruism but altruism is a type of prosocial behavior; you engage in altruistic behavior simply because you feel it is the right thing to do.

7. Teachings of culture 8. Gender roles 9. Bystander effect—you are less likely to help when you are in a crowd because you think someone else will help 10. Pluralistic ignorance—you take your cues from the crowd to decide whether or not to act C. Examples of Prosocial Communication 1. Communicating with cultural sensitivity 2. Listening empathically 3. Responding appropriately to the emotional expression of others 4. Confirming 5. Advising 6. Complimenting 7. Mentoring/sharing 8. Communicating politely 9. Arguing fairly and constructively 10. Responding to the dark side of interpersonal communication Viewpoints: Prosocial Examples D. Effects of Prosocial Communication 1. It makes other people feel better about themselves and enables them to do something more effectively or efficiently.

2. It makes you feel better about yourself for having done something good.

3. It can benefit society as a whole.

Interpersonal Choice Point: Giving Prosocial Communication

altruism bullying bystander effect coercive power compliance-gaining strategies credibility cyberbullying

KEY TERMS disqualifiers expert power hesitations hostile environment harassment identity management information or persuasion power intensifiers

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interaction management justification legitimate power metaphor negative identity management negative power negotiation nobody upstairs nonnegotiation pluralistic ignorance positive identity management power power plays

power priming prosocial communication referent power reward power self-critical statements sexual harassment slang expressions tag questions thought stopper vulgar expressions yougottobekidding you owe me

APPLICATIONS AND EXERCISES 1. Dyadic Power (for small class, large lecture, or online course) In each of these four dyads, there is a power difference. One person is significantly richer, of higher status, more educated, or more attractive than the other. How might the power differences create communication difficulties when the individuals are engaged in (1) informal conversation, (2) interpersonal conflict, (3) decision making, and (4) romance? For example: 1. A rich person and a poor person.

2. A young nurse and the chief of surgery at a prestigious hospital.

3. An uneducated parent and the high school principal.

4. An apartment building manager and a resident What one practical guideline for success in business can you draw from your analysis?

2. Empowering Others (for small class, large lecture, or online course) What would you say, in each of the following situations, to help empower the individuals involved?

1. You’re a third-grade teacher. Most of your students are from the same ethnic-religious group; three, however, are from a very different group. The problem is that these three students are extremely reluctant to participate in class discussions; they stumble when they have to read in front of the class (although they read quite well in private) and they make all sorts of arithmetic mistakes when they do problems at the board. And, not surprisingly with third-graders, many of the other students make fun of them and laugh at their mistakes. You want to empower these students by helping them realize their abilities and potential, while at the same time increasing intercultural understanding.

2. You’re managing four college interns at a local web design firm—three women and one man. The women all know each other and are extremely supportive of one .

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another, so they regularly contribute ideas and offer constructive criticism of each other’s work. The man, however, seems left out. Although equally competent, he lacks confidence and doesn’t contribute ideas or offer suggestions for improving the work of others. Since most of the web visitors for these particular websites are males, you really need his input.

3. Your partner has been having lots of difficulties—recently he lost his job, received poor grades in a night class he was taking, and is gaining lots of weight, something he was very careful to avoid in the past. At the same time, you’re doing extremely well—just got a promotion, got admitted to a great MBA program, and are looking your best. You want to give your partner back his confidence and to empower him.

3. Power Plays (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Here are some examples of power plays—consistent patterns of behavior that are designed to control another’s behaviors and which are generally common within the small group and in the workplace. For each situation, provide an appropriate three-part management strategy in which you: (1) state your feelings (remember to use I-messages)—your annoyance, for example, at this behavior; (2) describe the other person’s behavior that you object to; and (3) state a cooperative response, one that both of you can live with and that allows each person to save face.

•

Fred continually interrupts you. Whenever you want to say something Fred breaks in, finishes what he thinks you were saying, and then says what he wants to say.

•

One of your coworkers responds to your ideas, your plans, and your suggestions with statements like “yougottobekidding,” “you can’t mean that,” and “you can’t possibly be serious.” So, when you say that you’re going to date Harry, she says, “You can’t be serious! Harry!” When you say that you’re going to apply for a promotion, she says, “Promotion! You’ve got to be kidding! You've only been with the company six months.”

•

Your close friend has helped you get a job in his company. Now, whenever he wants you to do something, he reminds you that he got you the job. Whenever you object that you have your own work to do, he reminds you that you wouldn’t have any work to do if it wasn’t for his getting you the job in the first place.

•

Your supervisor is compulsive about neatness and frequently goes around to the various workers telling them to clean up their work areas. Frequently, this supervisor uses the power play of metaphor: “Clean up this crap before you leave tonight” or “Make sure this junk is put away.”

•

Your colleague, Amida, occupies the cubicle next to you but rarely reads important company e-mails and rarely attends any of the company meetings. Instead, she waits until you read the material or come from a meeting and then asks you to explain what she has to do. In doing this she takes up a great deal of your time. You have told her repeatedly that you object to this, but she acts like she doesn’t hear you.

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4. The Knowledge Gap (for small class, large lecture, or online course) Knowledge is power. And the lack of knowledge means a lack of power. An interesting view of this relationship is addressed in the knowledge gap hypothesis. This hypothesis refers to the difference in knowledge between one group and another and the influence of the media in widening this gap (Tichenor, Donohue, & Olien, 1970; Viswanath et al., 1993; Viswanath & Finnegan, 1995; Mastin, 1998; Grabe, Lang, Zhou, & Bolls, 2000).

Knowledge, however, is expensive, and not everyone has equal access to it. This is especially true as we live more of our lives online. Communication technologies—computers, smartphones, the Internet, satellite and cable television, for example—are major ways of gaining information. The better educated have the money to own and the skills to master the new technologies and thus acquire more information. The less educated don’t have the money to own new technologies or the skills to master them and thus cannot as easily acquire more information; this creates and expands the knowledge gap, known as the “digital divide” (Severin & Tankard, 2001). A particularly clear example of this is seen in the educational level of those who have the Internet at home (Pew Research Center, Internet/Broadband Fact Sheet, 2017): •

34 percent of those with less than a high school education have home broadband

•

62 percent of high school graduates have home broadband

•

80 percent of those with some college education have home broadband

•

91 percent of college graduates have home broadband

You can also see the knowledge gap when you compare cultures. Developed countries, for example, have the new technologies in their schools and offices and many people can afford to buy their own computers and satellite systems. Access to the new technologies helps these countries develop even further. Undeveloped countries, with little or no access to such technologies, cannot experience the same gain in knowledge and information as those who have this technological access.

Guide students in a discussion of these concepts, focusing on the importance of the knowledge gap in educational achievement.

5. Role-Playing the Chapter (for small class or online class) Divide students into groups or breakout rooms of three to four people. Give them 10 to 15 minutes to create interpersonal role-plays that demonstrate the following characteristics: •

Three types of power

•

Two unfair uses of power

•

Four compliance-gaining strategies

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Two compliance-resisting strategies

•

Three examples of nonverbal power

•

Two examples of prosocial behavior .

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The role-plays may demonstrate friendship, love, and/or work relationships. Students should construct realistic and detailed scenarios. After each role-play, classmates can guess about the concepts demonstrated.

DISCUSSION STARTERS 1. Small-Group Discussions (for small class or online class) These discussions are designed to enable students in the class to critically encounter power in interpersonal communication in light of their own experiences and beliefs. Divide the class into small groups or breakout rooms of about four to five people each, and assign each one of the following questions. (If you wish, they can pick topics to pursue.) Give them about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss each question. Then, have one student from each group report her or his group’s proceedings.

Below are some suggested topics: •

Does the average woman have more or less power than she did twenty years ago?

Why?

•

Does the average man have more or less power than he did twenty years ago? Why?

•

What did your family teach you about power when you were growing up?

•

Have you ever experienced hostile environment sexual harassment?

•

What are your beliefs about how the federal government exercises its power inside its borders?

•

What are your beliefs about how the federal government exercises its power outside its borders?

•

Do you have reward power and/or coercive power over anyone? Do you exercise it?

In what ways?

•

What policy does your college have in regard to sexual harassment? How is it defined and handled?

•

How can power plays be used over social media? How can you effectively respond to such behaviors?

•

What types of prosocial communication have you engaged in? What factors influenced you to behave in that manner? What effects did it have on you and others?

•

How can social media be used for prosocial communication? What aspects of social media make it easy or difficult to engage in prosocial behavior?

2. Credibility in Politics (for small class, online class, or large lecture) .

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Show the students video clips of at least two prominent politicians. Afterward, divide the students into small groups or breakout rooms and have them rate the politicians in terms of competence, character, and charisma. Each group should report back to the entire class. Tell them to note any disagreement on the evaluations and the reasons why they felt a certain way.

Follow up by discussing how politicians exert power through credibility.

3. Putting Power into Practice (for small class or online class) Divide students into groups or breakout rooms of four to five people. Have the students name five specific ways to communicate powerfully on the job, with friends, and with family members. Then, ask the students to name two specific ways to empower a subordinate, a peer, and a supervisor at work; a son and daughter; a parent; a friend; and a significant other. Make sure the students give you practical suggestions that can be implemented in everyday life. After the small-group work, have a representative of each group report to the large group.

TV AND FILM RECOMMENDATIONS •

The Devil Wears Prada – This film shows the extent one woman will go to in order to improve her appearance when receiving pressure from her boss.

•

Fight Club – This film shines in its depiction of power, particularly at what it has to say about culture and gender.

•

Game of Thrones – This TV show can be used when discussing the types of power, the privilege of power, the resistance to power, and power plays.

•

Hannibal – This TV show can be used to illustrate and discuss various types of power.

•

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – This film shows a wide variety of powers. The types of power discussed here are different from those wielded by Gandalf or by the Ring; the types of power considered here are those that derive largely from your verbal and nonverbal messages.

•

9 to 5 – This film exhibits sexual harassment and discrimination of female characters in the workforce. It can also be used to discuss the resistance to power.

•

Pretty Little Liars – This TV show examines the causes and effects of bullying, including cyberbullying.

•

Snowden – This film follows ex-NSA member Edward Snowden as he ponders leaking classified information to the American public about their own digital privacy. This topic can start a discussion of prosocial communication.

•

Star Wars – This film can serve as a vehicle through which students can explore the bases of power, communicating powerfully, and empowering others.

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WRITING EXERCISES Journal 12.1: Interpersonal Choice Point – Increasing Power In your weekly meetings at work, the supervisor who serves as group leader consistently ignores your cues that you want to say something. When you do manage to say something, no one seems to react or take any note of your comments. You’re determined to change this situation. What might you do to increase your interpersonal power and influence in such meetings?

Journal 12.2: Ethical Choice Point – The Ethics of Compliance-Gaining Because you’ve fallen behind schedule, you need your colleague’s help to complete your current project on time. You wonder if it would be ethical to give your colleague an expensive watch that she’s been wanting, then ask for her help a few days later. You figure that if she accepted the watch, she’d find it difficult not to reciprocate and help you with your project. What would you do in this situation? What would be the ethical course of action?

Journal 12.3: Interpersonal Choice Point - Refusing a Request Your classmate wants to use a term paper you wrote for another class. What might you say to refuse the request and yet not alienate your classmate?

Journal 12.4: Interpersonal Choice Point – Harassing Behavior You notice that your colleague at work is being sexually harassed by a supervisor, but she says nothing. You bristle inside each time you see this happen. What might you do that might help end this harassment?

Journal 12.5: Interpersonal Choice Point – Giving Prosocial Communication One of your close friends has been having a pretty awful time; failed two courses, lost a great part-time job, and was dumped by a long-time romantic partner. Your friend calls you in an extremely depressed state, tells you all this, and pauses, waiting for you to say something.

What would be an appropriate prosocial response?

Shared Writing: Your Power Assess your own power, using any of the concepts discussed in this chapter. For example, what kind of power(s) do you have on your social media sites? What kind of power(s) do you have with friends or work colleagues? What kind of power(s) do you see yourself having ten or twenty years from now? How will you get it?

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