The Radley College Chronicle Volume 25 Issue 2

T H E

R A D L E Y

C O L L E G E

CHRONICLE Vol. XXV No. 2

10TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION

5 June 2015

IN CREATING THE CHRONICLE Some statistics from our first ten years. There have been…

25 volumes 56 issues 36 pages 311 Correspondences 620 Overheards 824,939 words 3,861,335 characters 10 days 308 days 69 day 1 unauthorised issue 1,587 words 7,128 words 75 Editors 112 Assistant Editors 61,740 sheets 84,867 views 3843 comments 7 Dons 18 episodes A Tutor’s Diary 20 Social Stereotypes 2 unused crests 48 original drawings comprising

published

made up the largest ever issue

written

judged banterous enough to

be

printed

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formatted

painstakingly

between the two quickest

between the longest, with a

published issues and

average

formed the longest ranting comment on

site ever and this was just a small part of a

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massive argument of

compulsory nature of Chapel

intranet

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of premium yellow A3 Character paper used

of the secretive Chronicle Editors’ site hidden аithin CourseForum and

critical/sarcastic/helpful

written on it

proofreading

and censoring making the final version appropriate

of

leaked and serialised

pinned down

discovered in the Archives

commissioned from Radleians…

…and we hope you have enjoyed reading it too.

– – — INSIDE — – – Social Stereotypes • Stevie R: SR’s Hidden Past of Gangster Rap • The Chronicle in numbers • CCF Field Weekend to Helmand • Controversy • Communists • Correspondence • Overheard and much more…

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

A VERY SHORT INTRODUCTION… To mark the tenth year of the existence of Radley’s best-known and longest-surviving student-run newspaper, we present the tenth anniversary edition of the Chronicle, in which we have compiled a selection of our favourite articles and Overheards published since the Chronicle’s Genesis. Here’s to another ten.

Long live the Chronicle. Long may it serve as a medium available to any student wishing to voice an opinion or simply to have a little poke at the Radley bubble. We begin with the first article ever published in Volume 1, Issue 1, Article 1. Enjoy.

A QUICK HISTORY

A NEW COLLEGE NEWSPAPER

T

his is a new venture but consciously designed to be in the same spirit and format as the original monthly Radleian that was published from about 1850 onwards. Since the Radleian has since metamorphosed into an annual magazine, and the titles ‘newspaper’ or ‘journal’ do not seem to fit the bill, we have settled on ‘chronicle’, which, according to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary is, ‘a detailed and continuous record of events in order of time; a historical record [...] frequently in titles of newspapers’.

The Radley College Chronicle is intended to be published more-or-less fortnightly during term as a journal recording and reporting on events of interest at Radley and providing a forum for comment, debate and the expression of individual opinion within the school.

The round crest printed in our header above is taken from a sketch by Sir Thomas Jackson, the architect who designed Chapel, Hall and H Social as well as distinguished buildings in Oxford and elsewhere. This crest was discovered in the archives and, as far as we know, has never been used before.

Articles and letters will, for the most part, be published anonymously, and any views expressed do not necessarily reflect official school policy.

Editors of The Radley College Chronicle Joshua Dernie (A), Yannis Gidopoulos (E), Aleбander Grant (E), Feliб Barbour (F), Edаard Whitbread (H), Mr Charles Scott-Malden and Mr Ian Yorston Assistant Editors of The Radley College Chronicle Mattheа Isles (A), Arthur Dingemans (C), Aleб McGee (F), Christoph Wallendahl (F), Henrв Tregear (G), George Eaton (H), Charles Saunders (H), Edаard Walker (H), Joshua Boаesman-Jones (J) and Bernard White

M

any years ago, longer age even than iPads had been invited (unimaginable, I know), exEconomist, ex-Engineer, ex-Pilot, exElectronic Warfare Officer, ex-Head of Careers, exHead of Physics, ex-Chairman of Common Room, exHead of Science and still Digital Strategist ISY and chemistry don LB, along with a bunch of Sixth Formers, decided to begin the Chronicle (аe still don’t understand аhв ‘the’ is not italiciгed).

ISY has remained at the helm ever since, with TMM and CESM as right hand men for a few years each. You may not know that the Sub Warden also plays a role in reining in the insatiable boundary-pushing of the Editors; AER,MJSH and BJH have each taken their turn in making the Chronicle ‘suitable’ since 2005.

In the early days, it was four issues every term.

Nowadays, we admit, that is no longer the case. One of the many outstanding articles in the following pages highlights the challenges of creating each and every Chronicle; it is extremely rewarding and worth it in the end. We encourage you to join us so that you can realise this for yourself.

We have enjoyed highs and suffered lows but have somehow managed to continue on to reach this landmark stage in our history. But if the Chronicle is to celebrate its 18th birthday and even become a duogenerian, then it is up to you and your contribution to make this happen. While handing out early bird editions of this issue to Radleians coming back for a reunion earlier this month, the happiness with which this edition, with its classic yellow paper and smell, was met was fantastic to see. We hope that, with your help, the Chronicle can bring smiles to Radleians for years to come. Just send a quick email to any of the names on the left if you want to get involved.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

‘IN DEFENCE OF ANONYMITY’ ome more ‘controversial’ articles in the last few issues of the Chronicle have raised, in a small way, the large issue of the accountability of the media within society. It does not matter that the medium is only the Chronicle and the society merely ‘our tiny republic’.

S

familiar to the Sixth form on the academic front, are relentless in a self-generating activity like journalism.

Contributors are exposed to these pressures in a more protected environment here, but they still experience the tensions of deadlines v quality; objectivity v anodynity... They begin to realise the quality of judgment needed, and the accountability of those who write in the public eye. They are held to account for what they write, directly from other editors, or via criticism addressed to the editorial body collectively.

The anonymity of many articles in the Chronicle – all those by the editors are anonymous, and other contributors are given the option – is a vital means of ensuring journalistic immunity in our small world.

Finally, it is true to say that no piece has a single author Without this immunity, pressures would inevitably be – some may be up to 80% by one boy, but several others brought to bear which would run counter to the longwill have contributed advice, cut or added phrases, or term interests of the quality and honesty of our writing. perhaps tightened up the quality of the English. On our The fact that articles are not signed, and many letters intranet editing site, some articles are the subject of published under a pseudonym, means that responses to vigorous debate and go through more than 20 iterations these have to be channelled through this newspaper, and before publication. this makes our job easier as ‘…because we believe that journalists/editors by allowing Outside Radley this journalism game us to milk any controversial or what is written is more is played for real, for much higher entertaining topic for all it is important than who writes it.’ stakes – serious money, staffs of worth. hundreds and circulations of millions. Yes, we are merely playing at working in Fleet The vast majority of the national and local press Street (or, rather, Canary Wharf), and the stakes are not function successfully without the protection of so high, but the identity of our contributors should be anonymity, so why should we be different? The protected. exception is, of course, the Economist, famous for its tradition of anonymity: ‘the principle of anonymity is central to the paper’s philosophy. The Economist has no BEST OF OVERHEARD…(1) bylines, because we believe that what is written is more A regular column devoted to memorable quotes important than who writes it.’ Our circumstances are a from all quarters of College. The quotes from this little different, in that this is a small enclosed society, issue have been selected from the archives rather than a nation of tens of millions. Anonymity nevertheless demands the highest standards of The first ever Overheard: journalism, and must not be a shield behind which Overheard by a don examining GCSE French oral sloppy writing, biased thought or axe-grinding tapes: partisanship can hide; we will try our hardest to ensure Role-play card: ‘Say you would like to buy a pair of that the Chronicle does not fall prey to these trousers.’ temptations.

Candidate: ‘Je voudrais pantalon, miss.’

One of the hallmarks of a healthy society is the Don (enthusiastic): ‘Oui, très bien, quelle taille?’ willingness with which it opens certain central questions [Long pause] to the possibility of healthy debate. Another is the Candidate (whispering over microphone): ‘I didn’t want vigour and self-confidence with which it defends itself a tie, miss, I wanted trousers.’ against any subversion of the principles central to its Overheard in Physics: existence. Therefore is it impertinent of the Chronicle to Don: ‘…and so I broke various bones in mв bodв write so objectively and unsympathetically about the because my motorbike obeyed the laws of Physics.’ cornerstones of our existence here: Chapel, the Boy: ‘Sir, how does it feel to be screwed over by your admissions system, the food, Tutors’ lives…? Some own subject?’ would say this intemperate opinion should be confined to the letters section – protected by pseudonym perhaps Overheard in a French lesson: – where it would cause less offence.

Don: ‘What would you say if someone asked you the There is some worth in this criticism but the existence 3rd personal plural present subjunctive of “boire”?’ of the Chronicle provides an opportunity for boys to Boy: ‘I should refuse to associate with such a person.’ contribute regularly to a high-quality publication, to learn the skills of editing, typesetting and balanced Keep sending in (printable) quotes – to writing. The challenges of fortnightly deadlines, chronicle@radley.org.uk

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

TOP TRUMPS – RADLEY STEREOTYPES

Take a card, choose a category, and spot the familiar Radley character lurking in a social near you…

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

SOCIAL STEREOTYPES: No. 1 – THE ROWER A new, occasional series profiling well-known Radley types that may be lurking in a social near you...

H

enry has to admit he had mixed feelings about the river in his first few terms at Radley.

He was an uncomplicated fellow. For him the simple pleasure of messing about in boats was clouded by the utterly wretched pain of training, which always seemed to take place in intolerable extremes of weather – burning heat (is the river that much closer to the equator than the rest of college?), shrivelling cold, gale-force wind (the Abingdon mistral whistles up the valley) or a monsoon - the rain seems much wetter at the river, somehow.

Henry, being from a distinguished military line of Farquarsons, persevered nonetheless, as his family was bred to do in times of hardship, and eventually was rewarded with his own set of red Lycra undergarments.

These, and two weeks at the rowingand-revision camp at Banyoles in Spain (‘Sun, Sand and Suffering’), changed everything.

His cherished Lycra offered welcome relief from some unusually-placed blisters and allowed Henry at last to show off his newly tanned and sculpted lines to other members of the Boat Club in a way that was alluring yet socially acceptable.

He holds RCBC’s Maltese cross and motto – ergo ergo sum, ‘I erg therefore I am’ – very close to his heart.

Literally, in fact, since it is emblazoned in Radley red on the breast of every piece of boat club kit. Fleeces, splashtops, cut-aways, ‘beaters’, tracksuits – it’s all

‘free on the bill’ and jolly desirable stuff. The girls of St Stephanie’s swoon when they see him sporting it casually over Leave Away in Meribel or Caffe Nero on the King’s Road.

Now in his last Michaelmas at Radley, Henry looks back and chuckles at the prejudice he once felt towards Wet Bobs. He used to find their constant talk of ‘Ks’ and ‘splits’ intimidating and then, once the mystique had worn off, tedious. Now, of course, his life is ruled by these numbers, and his favourite sounds are the whirr of a fan, a pounding 80s dance track and the squeak of an unoiled Concept II seat.

Henry is often found trying to convert non-rowers to his statistical nirvana over huge plates of high-carb pasta at supper. He’s never had much success, but if there is one thing that rowing teaches you – probably no more than one thing – it’s an irrational determination to achieve utterly impossible goals.

Tonight there’s a an unofficial 2K test in the ergo shack during prep, and after his 6:45 warm up this morning and two bottles of Lucozade in the afternoon, Henry hopes to beat his PB. It’ll mean that his WWI coursework is late again, but Henry is confident that he has his priorities sorted. The word on the rafts is that the History tutor at Edinburgh waves you in if he reads on the UCAS form that you can pull a ‘6.20 with negative splits’.

EDWARD CHALK

GREENER EMAIL GUIDELINES We have just been forwarded an email from SPEW (Senior Prefect’s Environmental Workshop) outlining some new College Email Guidelines, following a brief meeting about such matters and much more besides (see pg. 12). The minutes of their first calendared meeting will be published here next issue.

N

ew guidelines for College email use from SPEW:

one of them receives the entire email intact. Was it absolutely necessary to copy them in? Think before you click!

If you have an email that you are unlikely to use again, print it out and put it in the mauve Email Recycling Bins in social (maroon in the Socials which are multiples of three).

Don’t include shading or bold too regularly. Keep font sizes to a minimum, although the occasional 14 or 16pt heading may be acceptable.

If you can possibly re-use an email with minor adjustments - for a similar circumstance, or on a termly/annual basis, perhaps - then valuable pixels can be saved by unsending and resending. Thanks to Chronicle Editors already pushing forward this controversial scheme.

Preferably do not use First Class until you can touch type at a rate of 60 words per minute. With the average email containing 103 words (from a recent survey of emails sent between maintenance and the Drama Department), this should ensure emails only take 1.716 minutes to type, thus saving energy, pixels and time.

Try to reduce the number of people CC’d – every single

Above all, kids, save those pixels!

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

ETHNIC DIVERSITY AT RADLEY

THIS PAGE HAS BEEN INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

THE RUMBLER

A new occasional series of intemperate opinion.

I

No. 1 – ‘MY BEEF WITH VEGETARIANS’

SUPPOSE it аas in 2002 that I reallв started to аonder about vegetarians. After the outbreak of Foot & Mouth Disease in 2001, the price of beef plummeted – most people kneа about that, vaguelв, from the neаspapers. Rather feаer took in the information that the sale price of a fattened beef calf аas noа less than the cost of rearing him for slaughter. And verв feа indeed, outside the farming communitв, realised the аholesale massacre of neа-born male calves аhich аas taking place as a result. For a feа months, аhile the prices аere reallв, reallв loа, thousands and thousands of male calves аere put doаn at birth, because farmers couldn’t afford to keep them.

Pits аere dug, and the carcasses buried – including in Loаer Radleв.

drinkers don’t need to аorrв about. But at least their position is intellectuallв consistent, even if I think it’s аrong.

What, вou ask, has this got to do аith vegetarians?

Surelв theв don’t eat beef? Think, for a minute, about аhat theв do eat. Vegetarians аill eat vegetables, fruits, and dairв products – milk, cheese, cream, butter, etc.

And most of them аill tell вou that theв do it to prevent suffering to animals: theв don’t believe that animals should be reared specificallв for slaughter, and theв believe that the livestock industrв involves crueltв to the animals involved (something аhich farmers denв, incidentallв).

BEST OF OVERHEARD…(2)

Where does milk come from? I reallв hope вou don’t need me to tell вou. But аhat manв people don’t reallв think about is that a coа аill onlв produce milk if it has recentlв had a calf. Coаs need to calve regularlв – around once a вear or so – to maintain their milk supplв.

Noа, аe can’t guarantee that theв аill onlв have female calves. If theв do, of course, those calves can be kept for milking themselves аhen theв are older. But аhat of the male calves?

At the moment, of course, theв are fattened for slaughter, and аe eat them – apart from the luckв (verв) feа аho go on to become bulls. So, vegetarians get their milk supplв because there are still some meat-eaters around. I suppose that most vegetarians, though, аould prefer the аhole аorld to become vegetarian too – to eliminate the crueltв, and so forth. But аhat do вou do аith the male calves? Keep them as pets? Alloа them to roam free around the countrвside?

Noа, I have no beef аith vegans, so to speak. I don’t agree аith them – partlв because meat eating is natural for humans, partlв because I don’t agree that livestock farming is cruel, and partlв because I like bacon – but I do respect their position. Theв don’t eat dairв products at all. Their diet is difficult – theв have to be careful to achieve a balance, especiallв аhere protein and calcium are concerned, tаo things аhich meat-eaters and milk-

But I have no time for vegetarians. At the heart of their lifestвle is an inherent contradiction. Theв depend on the rearing and slaughter of animals to maintain their diet; вet theв refuse to eat those animals, on the grounds that that rearing and slaughter is cruel. I am trвing hard to avoid the term ‘bunnв-hugger’, but I can’t: these are people аho feel vaguelв that one should be nice to animals, but haven’t the faintest idea hoа to go about it, nor the smallest clue about hoа farming аorks. Theв should give up, or go vegan.

Overheard in a Modern Languages lesson: Don: ‘Stand at the back with your hands on your head…’

Boy: ‘Simon says…’

Overheard in Latin: Don: ‘You must think I’m some sort of degraded perverted loаlife thinking about Spartan huntresses in lвnб skins…’

Boв: ‘Well…’

Overheard in C Social: Boy: ‘I have very interesting nipples.’

Overheard during a Haddon Cup rehearsal: Boв: ‘I can’t аait to plaв аith our Shells.’

Overheard in a Partsong rehearsal: Boв: ‘Guвs, I knoа that none of вou can sing, but can вou please trв and make a noise that isn’t just an adolescent moan?’

Overheard in Hall: Boy: ‘So there I was, exercising my right as a VI.2 to go to the front of the queue, and…’

Overheard in Cocoa: Politics student: ‘You just can’t have disabled people running the countrв.’

Keep sending in (printable) quotes – to chronicle@radley.org.uk

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE STUCK IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND ARE… BRITISH

A

s some of you may have noticed, there have been a few political hiccups in the Middle East. These will have really inconvenienced you if you happened to have been in the country, or were ruling it, at the time that the population decided to do some spring-cleaning. Normally, if you are stuck in a foreign country during one of these rebellions, you will be evacuated by your own government, shortly before they send an angrilyworded letter telling the losing side to give up. But lately, Nick and Dave have not been doing a very good job evacuating their ex-pats.

So, in case you do happen to get stuck in the middle of a revolution and the Lib Dems are nowhere in sight, here are a few tips on how to survive, while enviously watching other tourists who come from countries where they are actually capable of evacuating their citizens from warzones.

Step one: Make sure to say goodbye to any of your newly-made foreign chums. You won’t be seeing them for a while since (as we have established) their helicopters/escape routes have been organised far better than yours.

Step two: If you happen to be in a major city, there is still a chance for you to escape by pretending to be French – the one occasion this is acceptable for an Englishman; pack your bags, and if you’re out in

the countryside try and get as close to one of these cities as you can (preferably not the ones that have caught fire).

Step three: If you have been unsuccessful in escaping you are going to have to choose a side. Neutral people aren’t liked by anyone in a war and if you are planning on staying in the country and you choose the correct side you will end up in a better position than before.

If it is not an obvious choice, then flip a coin, but always keep in mind that being a spy might be a good idea. Alternatively, pick the side with more/larger guns.

Step four: By now you are either leading the revolution yourself and are safe or you are attempting to defend some insane Arab dictator.

Either way if a British person is involved in a side, that side will obviously be run more efficiently and will be victorious, even if it is a Radleian in charge.

However, if you have failed to become properly affiliated with either side and both of them hate you then you may wish to proceed to Step five.

Step five: If all of the above steps fail, dig a hole, get into it, and live off mushrooms until the revolution is over. Then you can show yourself again, and hope you are fully forgiven for any mistakes that you made while trying to rule the country. This is known as the ‘Tony Blair’ tactic.

‘I don’t understand the difference between Pups and Beagles.’

‘Mв girlfriend fits quite neatlв under mв bed.’

‘I like being alloаed to go to the pub on Mondaвs.’

FIRST IMPRESSIONS ‘I love delivering the Sun every morning.’

‘What actuallв is ISY’s job?’

A collection of memorable quotes from the new Shells…

‘Why do so many people go out to play golf аhen it’s dark?’

‘Where are the girls? I аas told there аould be girls?’

‘What’s with all the queue barging? Do they know who I am?’

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

BEST OF OVERHEARD…(3) Overheard in the Doughnut: Don: ‘I have three children’ Boy: ‘Ah, congratulations, sir’ Don: ‘Yes – all mв oаn аork… I think.’

5 June 2015

DONSPEAK AND BOYSPEAK The Chronicle takes a look at what those wellknown phrases really mean…

WHEN DONS SAY THIS THEY MEAN…

Overheard on a departmental outing to a cinema: Boy A: ‘Why does ice make the Coke less strong?’

Boy B: ‘I guess it must absorb it.’

When dons say: ‘We’re just going to do a little exercise: turn to page 24.’

They mean: ‘Noses to the grindstone, boys. You aren’t getting to Burger Night early on my watch!’

Overheard in Chemistry: Don: ‘Now, who here does plumbing?’

Boy: ‘Yes, sir, I do it as a Wednesday Activity.’

When dons say; ‘It turns out that...’

They mean: ‘It’s far too complicated for your inferior minds to understand, and I really can’t be bothered to explain it.’

Overheard in Classics: Don: ‘If you make another mistake, I’ll get so angry that I’ll shoot you.’

Boy: ‘Sir, isn’t that a bit dark?’

Don: ‘Not at all: it’d be dark if, when you got something wrong, I shot the boy next to you!’

Overheard in Drama, doing Coursework: Boy: ‘Sir, вou knoа the saвing “A picture speaks a thousand аords?”’

Overheard in French: Don: ‘I’d like an essay on what you use the internet for, please. Remember, ‘pornographique’ has a Q-U-E on the end.’

Overheard at a Berlin Airport Check-In Desk: German Check-in Person: ‘Show me your instrument!’

Boy: ‘What, here!?’

Overheard at RAF Benson: Cadet: ‘Eeurgh, this place looks like Slough.’

Overheard in Classics: Don: ‘Let’s move on, I’m getting aroused...’

Overheard in Shop: Boy: ‘A Dime bar has to be the closest a Radleian can get to sex in a Tuesday short break.’

Overheard by the Sports Pavilion: Oundle Boy: ‘So how much does it cost to come here?’

Radley Boy: ‘Erm, 34 grand a term.’

Overheard in Choir Practice: Don: ‘And, dare I ask, which part of your body should be like iron at this point?’

Overhead in Physics: Don: ‘How many Radleians does it take to change a light bulb?’

Boy: ‘Er, none, because maintenance do it for you.’

Keep sending in (printable) quotes – to chronicle@radley.org.uk

When dons say: ‘Can this be three sides, please.’

They mean: ‘One and a half will do nicely, but you’re a bunch of worthless slackers and I want to scare you’ When dons say: ‘Look, you don’t want me to have to ask you to come and see me tomorrow morning at seven, now, do you?’

They mean: ‘Look, I really don’t want to get up at seven tomorrow morning, do I?’ When Chemistry dons say: ‘This is how it works.’

They mean: ‘This isn’t how it works, but maybe I’ll tell you when you’re older.’

When dons say: ‘OK, boys, if you’re really well behaved, I might let you go five minutes early to go to Shop.’

They mean: ‘Fools...’

WHEN BOYS SAY THIS THEY MEAN...

When boys say: ‘I’ll have it in by Tuesday morning.’

They mean: ‘I’ll give it a go in prep on Tuesday, and tell you that it’s too hard in our lesson on Thursday.’

When boys say: ‘But, sir, I worked really hard for that test.’

They mean: ‘Well, I turned up, didn’t I?’ When boys say: ‘I’m going shopping in Oxford.’

They mean: ‘I’m going to the pub then, well, who knows?’

When boys say: ‘I can’t come because I’ve got other commitments.’

They mean: ‘Call of Duty is beckoning...’

When boys say: ‘You see, sir, the thing is...’

They mean: ‘Just give me a sec while I think of an excuse.’

When boys say: ‘Sir, would you like me to collect in the prep?’

They mean: ‘Sir, I’ve just discovered that the guy next to me hasn’t done his…’

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

A TUTOR’S DIARY I Social 29 February 2005

I

was woken at a little past seven by a pounding on the green baize door. I struggled downstairs and opened it, thinking it might be some matronic medical emergency, to find myself confronted with four boys in gowns. I recognised them easily for they had been in my Social for some years. Furthermore, they had been fighting the previous evening with their pillows. Such tomfooleries are considered acceptable, even a natural part of growing up by the reactionary element; here in I Social, I am glad to say, we foster a firm discipline, but coupled with a friendly atmosphere which doesn’t take such things too seriously.

Oh my Lord, those parents! Not quite our type. The postcode suggested an area of not immoderate swankiness, made famous by the proximity of various footballers’ villas, so I sent round the Hon. Rupert Theodore St John Fitz-Alan Appleby, our best-looking and longest-named Shell, to show them round the school. Despite the blacked-out windows of their immaculate off-roader, they didn’t seem impressed by Appleby. Big names in the Mancunian affordable housing market, apparently, but very keen that young Rudolph should not play rugby, as ‘blood does not agree with him’. I told them that I Social was known for its friendly, tolerant, non-violent atmosphere, which calmed them down somewhat.

Unfortunately when I walked into the upstairs corridor ‘You told us to see you at seven,’ the Removes were in the middle of ‘He seemed fixated on the a bread fight, and then the Shells said one. ‘It is twelve past seven now’. I thought I saw a smirk behind height of the rugby posts.’ were having a most partisan the earnest face. ‘I can tell the time, argument downstairs. I took refuge thank you.’ Foolish youths. Did they not know that it is in Pollock’s room, which is normally a temple of a cherished Tutorial custom (it’s in the handbook) to tranquillity and good taste, but Pollock was ‘not keep them stewing outside the front door for at least decent’, as he fruitily mentioned at my knock on the twenty minutes? Uncertainty, after all, is the soul of door (in terms that set his Head of Social drive back a punishment. good few notches). Needless to say, I received an apology letter from him later on. This ran to three sides, ‘But, Sir, we all know what a stickler you are for was very enlightening about his showering routine, and punctuality, and we thought you just might have hoped the parents were not too offended. forgotten. It is very unlike you to be late.’

‘A very relaxed atmosphere’, I said, suavely, making I did, of course, have several sparkling repartees up my sure that the parents were, indeed, not too offended. We sleeve, but I didn’t say anything; it is useless to argue at let boys dev–’ ‘Rudolph isn’t into rough their level. It would also have been and tumble’, father (Les) interrupted. dangerous to double the number of ‘He’s thinking of becoming a painter. kitchens they were going to clean, He’s artistic.’ For a moment there I because they are usually so bad at thought he said ‘autistic’, and took a washing up that we continually risk an closer look at the boy. ‘Oh, artistic! outbreak of MRSA. So I mentally Excellent, excellent. We have a very doubled the length of their essays. creative atmosphere in I Social. Our–’ ‘He Pollock was on duty, which is has a private tutor who was taught by comforting. Pollock has had Head of Lucian Freud.’ ‘Ah, yes, now our Warden Social in his sights since the Fifths, and as is very keen on philosophy. We have a–’ such he treats me with the fawning ‘Freud the artist.’ Conversation flagged. reverence more associated with that of a dog for its ‘Has Appleby shown you all around the school?’ ‘Do master. Doing the VI.2 duties is his proudest moment. you always call the pupils by their surnames here?’ ‘Of This cloys sometimes – Cocoas usually involve him course not, that died out years ago. Has, er, Richard, er staying the latest and agreeing with everything I say – –’ ‘I think it was Rupert’ ‘er, has he shown you the but after the Shells he is a welcome relief. And indeed, games fields?’ ‘Up to a point. He seemed fixated on the true to form and several minutes early, he knocks height of the rugby posts. I suppose that’s normal here.’ expectantly on my door, chest stuck out, eager for this The mother, I decided, was the more formidable of the morning’s duties. There wasn’t much to do: make sure two, but the father was also on form. They left looking the Shells are up, breakfasted and doing their duties, unsettled.

I imagine young Rudolph will end up going haul in a couple of moderately naughty boys to my to Winchester, and good luck to him. Between you and office, and check that Social is tidy as there are parents me, we have a very friendly and tolerant atmosphere in arriving shortly to be shown round.

I Social, but I’m not sure it would stretch to young Rudolph.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE I was interrupted from my musings by a red-faced Swindon-Graham approaching with the news that the mal-coordinated Coutts-Hitchin had broken his collarbone: ‘he just ran into me, sir’. Matron, typically, was off duty, and we hit road works on the way to the JR (not at all to be confused with the JCR; with the JR one is ill on entering and, one hopes, a little healthier on leaving, while experiences of Saturday nights point to the opposite in the case of the JCR). In the name of a medical emergency I pushed the Volvo hard through Kennington up to the ring road, and, glancing in the rear-view mirror, after a while happened to notice Coutts-Hitchin writhing and wriggling in what looked like a little discomfort on the back seat; after the twentieth speed bump he appeared to have passed out, which at least saved me making conversation at his level. Surely he should have known it was not a good idea to play British Bulldogs with one of the Colts 1 props – it’s common sense, isn’t it?

5 June 2015 The post-Chapel queue brought the usual requests for bedtime extensions and chits for unorthodox apparel – as I said to Creagh-Brown, ‘you can wear polished blue shoes, I’ll turn a blind eye to a clean pair of suede, but blue suede shoes are a step too far.’ I made my way back to find Pollock calmly doing his prep amidst a flurry of flying papers and Removes. Jackson, looking after the Shells, was having less joy; swinging open the door I caught a pleasant little tableau: three were putting a fourth neatly upside-down in the bin.

Needless to say, I was not best pleased. I made, looking back, quite a stirring speech: a bit about the responsibility to look after one another; the fact that they should be getting on with their work; the sheer unpleasantness of putting one of them upside-down in the bin, with particular emphasis on the ‘head first’.

This led neatly to the statement that in the usual run of things I never caught them using the bins at all. ‘I mean, look at this,’ I said, bending down, ‘paper all over the floor. Why don’t you just look after the -’ and I was The Volvo refused to start in the JR car park. After the going to pick the paper up stresses of dealing with the and toss it into the bin from anguished parents, I very ‘There is nothing amusing about six feet away - I have nearly had a John Cleese whatsoever about all the lights a good eye for this kind of moment; but there were no thing - only I was conscious available trees with which to going off and the organ cutting out.’ of a ripping sound. I hit the damn machine and so straightened up and felt the culprit area, trying to it remained unscathed. Instead, I rang the AA, who were suppress the twinge of embarrassment. very nice and very slow. Slow enough, in fact, for me to miss the Tutors’ meeting. Nothing new there: the My trousers had split. Worse, they were my particularly regulations on privis were to be tightened; uniform to favourite cords for duty evenings. Worse still, some of be made tidier; atmosphere in Socials to be made the Shells had seen and heard this. One of them was friendlier. There was a general discussion of the pupils’ chortling into his handkerchief. I rounded on him. pleas for more girls and more lies-in (not in tandem, I ‘What do you find so funny, Avery? Would you perhaps presumed) and a special plea from the Director of like to share it with us? Hmm?’ Immediate eruption of Studies that if the prep did not start to be used profitably laughter from all around the room. he would start breathing green smoke – not a good thing Needless to say, all the Shells will be seeing me at seven as it would clash with his trousers. There was a tomorrow morning. They never learn. reminder of speed limits round College and a report back from the hidden radar trap in Mem Arch, courtesy of the Electronics department. Clearly I didn’t miss anything worthwhile.

It always amazes me to see quite how hilarious the boys find a power cut in Chapel: there is nothing amusing whatsoever about all the lights going off and the organ cutting out. However, it was pleasing to see that other socials were even more disorderly than I. In the circumstances, the Chaplain’s, ‘Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee,’ took on a whole new meaning with which I could fully sympathise. Anyway, without the organ, the Choir filled in with a psalm in lieu of the second hymn. Admittedly, mine are not musical ears, but I tried hard to appreciate it. We have nine boys in I in the Choir, which, as a statistic, is very pleasing.

‘Quantity, not quality’, is a good motto for a Tutor to remember.

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

THE SENIOR PREFECT’S ENVIRONMENTAL WORKSHOP MINUTES OF THE LAST MEETING 9PM, MONDAY 3 JULY, GROUNDSMAN’S

P

resent: Senior Prefect, Second Prefect, reps from A, B, C, D, F, G, H and I Socials, CRB, MJSH, PMF, and some unidentifiable balaclava-clad figures on the fringes.

1. The new crisp packet crusher installed outside Shop has made a significant difference to the volume of waste on the ground around Clocktower. It can also be configured to take grapes, although there’s an odd whine emitted when used.

2. The ambitious rep from I Social suggested recycling the hymn books in Chapel. Many pointed out that this would be inconvenient, as the hymn books are currently used several times every week. Also, the explicitly Christian content might not be biodegradable.

3. Suggestions from the reps of C and F Social about recycling the enormous number of peas left uneaten at Lunch were dismissed as unfeasible by the Catering Manager, because of the difficulty of washing off all traces of ketchup.

4. PMF stepped up to the rostrum to remind us of the need to keep cans to the yellow bins (red in D Social) and bottles in the blue bins (mauve in A, C and F Socials). Crushing the cans would earn 5 bonus points per recycling container for each social, although not for ones with sharp edges. Paper and cardboard (separately) are recycled in the pink bins. Pastel-coloured bins are collected on odd-numbered days in the cycle (except where Field Day turns a Monday into a Wednesday: the Tuesday between becomes the collection day) from the even Socials (B, D, F and H) and the Primary-coloured ones vice versa. The new Prep recycling bins (lime green) are to be found in the foyer of most socials now; any preps which are in good condition, dated and referenced (but un-named, of course) and able to be reused should be deposited in the bins. There’s a separate area for coursework essays (please erase red ticks first).

5. Water shortage. The socials have responded in their own ways to the urgency of the drought order. Baths are now verboten in A Social; orange squash and all dilute drinks are banned in F Social; water bottles for rowing and athletics are only allowed to be half-filled in C Social; and showers are (voluntarily) on hold in Orchard – although this last measure does not seem to have reduced water consumption by very much. Thanks to all concerned for their sacrifices in this difficult period of water rationing.

6. Food wastage. The amount of food wasted in Hall continues to rise, averaging 2 million kg per day over the last few weeks. To put that in context, that’s enough

to feed the world population of llamas for a week or, converted to energy in an incinerator, enough to lift a Space Shuttle two metres off the ground. Clearly this wastage is unacceptable and something must be done.

Portion control will be phased in, starting with a baked bean quota: max 60 baked beans per boy per meal will be trialled at Wednesday supper until Leave Away.

Reps were asked to spread the word for all to be tolerant of the extra queuing time that may result from the counting procedure.

7. Electricity bills. I Social have leapt into the lead in the Campaign to Husband Electricity And Power (CHEAP) by the relatively extreme measure of rolling blackouts through the day across the different wings of social. Apart from the inevitable alarm-clock resetting problems and loss of work in progress on computers, this seems to have been a huge success and blackouts will be rolled across other Socials randomly next term.

8. Nesting for the kites. PWG and the Radley College Twitching Society report that, following the imaginative idea for a new nesting site arising from the last SPEW meeting, the kites had settled in to Clocktower well for the first 13 minutes but were then disturbed by the quarter hour chimes. Happy news, though – RCTS is monitoring their new nest down at the Rifle Range.

9. Shop. After encouraging trials and a boost in repeat custom, Shop’s new ‘Honey’ Loyalty Card is available for all customers: 10% off any Chicken Rolls bought on the day of issue, and a competitive 19.9% DPR (daily percentage rate) of interest on outstanding balances (terms and conditions apply). Daringly sidestepping the College barbers, Hair Miles will be awarded to loyal customers – 4 Hair Miles buys a haircut in Abingdon, and 10 Hair Miles a deluxe trim in Oxford.

10. From next term New Boys will get priority in Shop, followed by Removes and then Vths etc. in a reversal of the usual hierarchy. New Boys will be allowed to send Removes to get pre-ordered items at Short Break – A, C, E, F, I Socials on Mon, Weds, and Fri and vice versa for the first half of term until the timetable change, when the priority will be reversed. Note that the order for Mondays which are Wednesdays for the purpose of Field Day (except for the supper menus) will be unchanged in Shop but not in Hall. The aim of this new tradition is to make the New Boys feel at home, and give them an extended period of grace (now provisionally set at 15 months).

11. Following requests from PHMs the fizzy drink vending machine is being swapped for a DIY Smoothie machine next term, in line with Department of Health

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE regulations on childhood obesity. Boys must collect fresh fruit from Hall at mealtimes – the new ‘Five-ADay’ Fruit Bar replaces the popular Cholesterol Counter – and then can feed into the Smoothie machine the fruit of their choice. The manufacturer advises peeling the fruit first, especially coconuts. The machine crushes and strains the fruit, then mixes in yoghurt and lemon juice before filling a container held at knee level. This has proved popular at Wycombe Abbey, but feedback from Social reps would be appreciated.

12. PJD asked for reports on the whereabouts of the College Poltergeist so that likely breakages to next

W

5 June 2015 term’s crockery budget can be factored in.

At the end of the meeting, the Senior Prefect relinquished his iron grip on the Workshop – all present thanked him and wished him well with his Green Studies course at Cambridge. He thanked the intrepid Workshoppers, CRB and everyone else on SPEW for the important work they do providing inspiring and practical ideas to make College a greener and more amusing place.

The next meeting will be held at 9pm on Thursday 19 October at Jackdaw Clump, chaired by the new Senior Prefect.

A VERY PERSONAL STATEMENT

e at the Chronicle thought it would be charitable to offer the 6.2s some guidance in this subtle exercise of self-promotion. Ignore those cynics who say that the admissions tutors who wade through this tripe are not concerned with all your minor achievements – being third equal in the intersocial chess tournament two years running and house prefect with special responsibility for fire escapes is impressive stuff. Buff up your week spent llamaweaning in Shropshire and your day’s work experience at the Abingdon Herald, where you ‘helped compile the marriage announcements column’. Put it all down, that’s what we say – it can’t hurt, can it? Just as long as you don’t exaggerate too much...

The following personal statement was submitted to New York University on the equivalent of their UCAS form, asking for details of ‘any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person’.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing; I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook ‘Thirty-Minute Brownies’ in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello; I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal force demonstration. I run 100m in 9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me international fame.

Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby-Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish my entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.

I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep upright in a chair.

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid off. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[The Editors of the Chronicle, in their unending wisdom, regret to inform you that the above was not actually submitted to a university. It was, in fact, written

by Hugh Gallagher for Scholastic Press’ national writing contest in 1990. You will not be surprised to learn that it won. It is indeed an ingenious piece of writing. That said, the Chronicle does not in any way condone it and holds no responsibility for extracts from the above in any future Personal Statements. Ed.]

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

SO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE A RADLEY DON? ons are, as they say, ‘only human’, and they, as humans, make mistakes. Sometimes these mistakes are such that you are driven to the point of thinking that you could do their job better than them. And why not? We’re all intelligent people, we all know more than enough about group mentality. So, in case you felt like chancing your hand in the educational realm, here is a multiple choice test to see if you’d be any good.

D

You have been invited to a job interview for a teaching post at the College. Do you: A: Turn up wearing an immaculate suit and painstakingly chosen and ironed tie.

B: Turn up in your suit and tie, looking presentable.

C: Rock up in your casual clothes – after all, it’s only a job interview.

D: Bound in in your plus fours and flat cap – this is Radley College after all.

E: Crawl in 20 minutes late half naked on account of your clothes being left back at ‘her place’.

The interviewer asks you about your previous job record. Do you: A: Give them the perfect job portfolio, with the contact details of at least four different people who have recommended you from each post.

B: Give them a good list of interesting past jobs and some recommendations.

C: Give them a few jobs and stuff, but you tell them that it’s more about character anyway.

D: Tell them your father is filthy rich – of course you don’t work!

E: Say yep, work, done that.

A woman walks into the office. She is rather attractive.

Do you: A: Stand up immediately – it’s simple etiquette – and pay her multiple compliments about the standard of her dress, her charming personality, etc.

B: Stand up as the interviewer introduces her and make a bit of idle gossip about names, shared acquaintances, etc.

C: Spring into action: if it’s a job or attractive girl, then it’s a pretty simple choice. And it’s not looking good for the job.

D: Whip out some classic ‘Gadzooks, malarkey, why hallo there!’

E: Turn around, give her the once over, and then turn back to looking at the floor. Nothing new there.

As you are walking around the College, you see a boy who seems to be in distress. Do you: A: Employ all of your diligently and extensively learnt techniques from the child psychology course.

B: Ask him what’s wrong, and give him a bit of encouragement.

C: Ask him what’s wrong, stand there gormlessly for a bit, tell him it’s OK, then turn away, relieved.

D: Give him the life lecture ‘Damned funny thing, life: life is like a big dead coа…’

E: Ask him what’s wrong, laugh and tell him he’s a freak.

You enter Hall. The particular dish you have chosen proves to be ‘unpalatable’. Do you: A: Finish it – manners are the most important thing.

B: Pick your way through most of it, and, if required, use health or diet as an excuse.

C: Leave it. You might even go and get something else.

Possibly.

D: Talk the whole time in a loud and penetrating way, which you can then use as an excuse for not having eaten.

E: Leave it. Or actually – free meal! Go go go!

You are shown to the classroom that you will be working in. It looks to be of a fairly high quality. Do you: A: Walk around approvingly, instantly taking in its exact dimensions, measuring it up from every angle, thinking of ways to improve it.

B: Have a look around, giving some appreciative comments.

C: Say ‘yeah, yeah, but where’s the staff room?’

D: Leap around, revelling in the joy of your chosen subject, loudly berating any emissions of important information.

E: Test the chair. You need a good chair.

In the lesson that you are watching, a boy asks the current don a question that they do not have an answer to. They turn to you. Do you: A: Give a post-university level answer; this was the exact subject of your PhD. B: Give an answer that the child can understand: though you are a bit rusty on this particular area, you understand the basics.

C: Bluff your way through and give an answer which entirely fails to answer the question, but it sounds as though it does.

D: Make a joke about the boy being cleverer than you, followed by demonstrating your booming laugh.

E: Give no reply. You’re trying to sleep.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE After the lesson, you are asked to come out to do some sports training. Do you: A: Accept, and go and get changed into the clothes which you brought with you ‘just in case’. After all, you’ve studied the theory; you’ll be fine.

B: Go out in some borrowed trainers: you can do this.

C: Go out in force: sport is something of your forte.

D: Go out all guns blazing the joys of the fresh air!

E: Refuse. Unless there’s a bench.

During the sport session, a boy beats you at some aspect of the game. Do you: A: Give him the thumbs up and hair ruffle. He’s done well to get past you!

B: Tell him well done. Inside, you’re probably thinking something slightly different, but never mind.

C: Make no remark. You’re going to get him back if it kills you.

D: Get straight back in; by golly he isn’t going to that again!

E: Tell him to stop showing off.

The day has finally come to an end. You walk back to the car park. Do you: A: Shake hands, and get into your shiny new convertible – you have to have some pleasures in life.

B: Say your goodbyes, then drive off in your Peugeot, feeling pretty pleased: you think it went OK. C: Get in your vehicle. ‘A hard day at work’ you think to yourself as you speed off down the main drive, scattering K Social shells.

D: Drive off: Tally ho and all that, back to the homestead then!

E: Ask if anyone has a lift.

5 June 2015

ODDS & ENDS Until a couple of decades ago, The Radleian had a very similar format and role to that currently of the Chronicle, being a yellow A4-ish booklet that appeared, over the course of more than a century, anything from fortnightly to twice-termly. Readers may notice in this mixed bag of snippets from past Radleians some perennial college themes.

‘I wish to protest earnestly against the wholesale extortion – I can call it nothing else – practised by the Shop, in selling porridge to boys who are fond of that inexpensive luxury for breakfast. Such boys are compelled to pay five shillings a term for the indulgence they allow themselves, and what I venture to assert is that it is neither to the credit nor the interest of Shop to charge such a high price.’ (1879) ‘On the afternoon of Sunday Oct. 4th, a large proportion of the school and several masters walked down to the railway to see the Tsar pass through on his way to Portsmouth – according to all accounts they saw practically nothing.’ (1896) ‘Suggestion – that a regimental pet be provided for the corps.’ (1913) ‘Debate: “that in the opinion of this House the Cinematograph is detrimental to the nation.”’ (1913) ‘Suggestion – that College Cheese be chained to the plate.’ (1914) ‘There are whispers of the speedy destruction of the Public School and of the introduction of some more democratic form of education.’ (1921) ‘It is not intended that the school should exceed 229 at any time.’ (1924)

THE VERDICT A: You are the perfect teacher: well trained, hardworking, and immaculately turned out. You have no place here. Goodbye.

B: You’re a pretty good guy: you should be able to work here, no problem. You are put up for further consideration.

C: You’re really not too fussed: perhaps you’re just a little bit too chilled. You should be fine here.

D: You are completely mad. Welcome to the team.

E: You are a good-for-nothing partying layabout. Get your stuff – you’re in.

‘This term the faggables seem to have forgotten all about their clothes, and on any Sunday morning hordes of them may be seen climbing trees all round college, in their Sunday suits.’ (1930) ‘We welcome the advent of “Coca-Cola” to Shop, as much for its inimitable flavour as for its delightful advertisements.’ (1949) ‘Clock Tower recently struck the unusual hour of 112.’

(1954) ‘The Old Gym is certainly the finest corrugated-iron cathedral in the UK.’ (1955)

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

RADLEY COMMUNIST SOCIETY

W

hile browsing through the archives of the Chronicle in search of inspiration, one of our editors stumbled across this intriguing piece from 1992, which apparently never made it into print: ‘The Minutes from the Inaugural Meeting of the Radley Communist Society’ The following are the minutes from the first meeting of the Communist Society, recorded faithfully by the one who now holds the pen, Nikolai Petrushskin. In brief: having swiftly gone through various petty items, including the venue of the meeting (the bike shed, where this was held; we cannot go to the dons for permission to meet, for that would detract from the authentic revolutionary spirit of the venture) and which brand of vodka was especially preferable for consumption by members (it was decided, anything over forty per cent was permissible), we moved on to speeches; the founder of the Communist Societв, А х , delivered an electric indictment of the current state of society.

Present at the meeting: А х , myself, the Hon. St. Claire Babbington-Smythe Esquire (the firebrand Red great-great grandson of Karl Marx; the Hon. Babbington-Smythe’s own grandfather was likewise passionately Communist, but his father was staunchly Capitalist, thus raising the potential essay question for future Radley Bio-Politics students, Is the Communist Gene Recessive?), three I Social Shells, coerced into attendance by the Hon. Babbington-Smythe, one Unknown Old Man, who had apparently wandered in for a nap, but now, infused with the fire of the vodka we offered, defended the Capitalist doctrine with eloquent vehemence. Also present, the Pudding Nazi, whose participation we requested in order to see how the other political extremity viewed matters of importance. However, as we could not remove the gag without her shouting distressingly loudly, she was unable to take part in much of the debate.

The following is the exact transcript of А х ’s brilliant speech: ‘Comrades, I stand before you today not as a leader, nor as a figure of fear (a look of masterful compassion directed at the Shells present), but as a brother, a father or a sister (not quite sure what he meant by that bit about ‘sister’ – Petrushskin): somebody to whom you can entrust your life. Now, we are the oppressed. The filthy bourgeois element that call themselves the Dons, to whom we have been betrayed by those who ought to have been raising us in the steppes of Siberia or the fields of Tobolsk, rule over us

with an iron fist: we are forced to learn about quadratic equations, the declensions of mensa and, worst of all, the hideous abomination that they call The Great Gatsby. None of this will help us when the Revolution comes. Then, we shall tear down the trappings of their power; we will seize the Clock Tower and destroy the Shop that so exploits us, the workers. The proletariat will rise; we shall lead them in glorious battle for the glorв of , я я ч (As far as I can tell, this is all nonsense; it translates roughly to ‘the lake of golden virgins, where we shall one day frolic in joyous happiness’. Not a clue – Petrushskin.)

Unfortunately, the manuscript ends at this point, and we have no opportunity to read of the witty sparring that must have flowed between the Unknown Old Man and the Communist leader, Айр харт; we have no way of knowing what the Pudding Nazi said in response to their arguments, or indeed if she spoke at all. The document is, however, (and I’m sure that all historians will agree) an artefact of astonishing value, which gives us a very real glimpse of the struggles that the oppressed Radleians underwent in the early 1990s. I remain hopeful that, with further searches, more could be discovered; if you are interested in participating in the enterprise, contact CDS.

HOW TO GET HOLD OF The Chronicle Did you know that the Chronicle is available online?

Yes, it’s absolutely true! Every single issue ever published (apart from the mysterious issues of Volume 13) are just sitting there waiting for you to browse at your pleasure. If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this issue, then why not go and explore the extensive, unchartered archives of the Chronicle to see if you can find more hilarious Overheards or a piece of satire which gets you smiling.

Simply go to the Radley Intranet Page (ws.radley.org.uk/intranet) and next to ‘Bible’ click on the ‘Chronicle’ link to read and hopefully enjoy the less pious articles, correspondences and Overheards from the past 10 years.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

ON A ROLL...

I’

m sure that this does not apply to you, being a loyal, well-informed reader of the Chronicle.

However, I feel – both because it is my duty as an upstanding citizen (according to my General Studies sessions) and because it seems all the rage – that I must bust yet another myth. Not, this time, on some arcane theological point but on the more secular subject (to some, at least) of the ‘Radley College Chicken Roll’ (hereafter referred to as the ‘Roll’).

On entering College Temple (hereafter referred to by its nickname ‘Shop’) a few days ago for my customary mid-morning prayer and ‘Roll’ I was horrified to overhear a conversation between two miscreants that I can only assume were Removes. They were preparing to hand over monies for the purchase of a paninum, and discussing that this item is superior to a ‘Roll’ ‘‘cos there’s bacon in it’.

Needless to say, I was appalled by this blasphemy. How could this have happened – that our Glorious Sustainer the ‘Roll’ had become so diminished in the eyes of hoi polloi. For some time I was at a loss. Things just didn’t make sense anymore. I drifted along, contemplating my loss of faith. But then, during an afternoon’s mayonnaise-induced meditation, while pondering, amongst other things, the hidden sub-text to those other talks calling my bluff, I realised that the fault lay with people like me. People who had not taken time to school the younger generation in the way of the ‘Roll’. People like me who had neglected their sacred duty of spreading the message of delicious chicken and mayonnaise (hereafter referred to as ‘chickennaise’) through the ancient art, husbanded jealously by the Drama Department, of ‘Roll Play’. And I was ashamed.

But, I am devoting myself now to ensuring that Radleians everywhere understand the inner calm that this god among filled bread snacks can bring. Firstly a little history: an afternoon in the Bodleian has turned up some interesting material...

The Chicken Roll was discovered in 1748 by Sir Ernest Noble (Professor of Domesticall Aeconomyks at Oxford) by accident while he was investigating buttee to filling ratios in the Earl of Sandwich’s new creation.

However, the recipe was lost shortly after his death from a dodgy prawn bap in 1752, and lay undiscovered for over two centuries. Mercifully, it was rediscovered in the 1970’s in the attic of a barn belonging to an old Radley family in Wormton Bassett: thus it was brought to Radley.

The recipe remains a closely guarded secret to this day, despite industrial espionage from other school tuck shops and covert use of the Chemistry department’s mass spectrometer. What I can exclusively reveal to you is that it does contains chicken. There was some

uncertainty on this point. The regular delivery of industrial-sized vats of mayonnaise to Shop in the dead of night would hint at the second ingredient. Some of Radley’s past masters of Paninology have also detected a hint of parsley, although they cannot rule out that this was an environmental distractor (possibly Shop’s ‘Mountain Breeze’ air freshener). Some also enjoy adding salad leaves but the purists among us prefer to abstain from this Victorian corruption, because of course, the lettuce was only invented in the mid nineteenth century, and so cannot possibly have been a part of Noble’s original vision.

Now that you know a little of the ‘Roll’s heritage, it is my duty to show you how to put this knowledge to use in the future.

The Taste: A creamy blend of succulent, aromatic flavours – watch for initial high notes of chicken, then a lingering chickeny mayonnaise aftertaste. You may wish to say too at this point, ‘Mmmmm, oops, it’s gone down my front.’

Serving Suggestion: A ‘Roll’ is ‘reassuringly expensive’ and should be treated properly. Buy one ‘Roll’ before 11am in Shop, and leave to sit for about eight minutes. Carefully remove the ‘lid’ with thumb and forefinger, ensuring no spillage of ‘the blend’ by curling remaining fingers around exposed area. Use other hand to place between seven and twelve ‘McCoy’s Steak Roast’ crisps – on no account Frazzles, as they affect tannin levels unfavourably – across the exposed surface. Reseal lid, devour and repeat, arriving five minutes late for Physics employing tried and tested ‘long queue at the Infirmary’ excuse.

Best experienced with a lightly-chilled ‘Coca-Cola’ or ‘Fanta Fruit-Twist’.

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

RADLEY DICTIONARY

T

he Chronicle has compiled a brief Radley dictionary to help people understand some of Radley’s more unique vernacular:

I left my prep in Social = The dog ate my homework.

Free on the Bill = Mummy and Daddy will pay.

Pups = Not dogs. Beagles = Dogs.

Ethnic Minority = As yet unclassified.

Gown = Purpose made, highly practical addition to the Radley Uniform.

Pudding Nazism = Ideology based on the precept that a second pudding is better in the bin than in someone’s stomach.

Estate Agent = Radleian (future tense).

It’s just banter = Please don’t tell anyone I’m bullying you.

Christian Forum = An obscenely limited book club.

I’m going to play golf = Wanna fag?

Catholic Chapel = Radley is nothing if not diverse.

I’m going on the Trimtrail = Wanna fag?

Summer dress = Where it’s acceptable to leave ties, gowns and jackets, but abhorrent to wear a jumper.

I’m going to the Astro = Wanna fag?

Hard work = (meaning unkn.)

Barbecue smoke really gets into your clothes = I’ve had a fag.

Why are you wearing a tweed jacket? = You look like an idiot.

ISY arrived a bit later than usual for our lesson = ISY didn’t turn up.

Can I borrow a piece of paper? = Would I be able to take one of your pieces of paper, write on it and never give it back again?

What did you get in your GCSEs? = I know that I got better than you, but would you please tell me so that I can gloat about it?

Sir, don’t we have prep? = I know I just committed social suicide, but please will you give me a good report?

Which set are you in? = I’m in set 1.

Are you going to Shop? = Please will you buy me something?

I’ve twisted my ankle = I don’t want to go on the CCF field weekend/do the Steeplechase.

I’ve got a headache = I don’t want to go on the CCF field weekend/do the Steeplechase.

Symposium = see psychology society.

How were your holidays? = We went with Horatio, the butler, to our mansion in Morocco for a month; what did you do, peasant?

IT = free period.

Class Civ. = For those who would love to do Latin if only they had the brain power.

BEST OF OVERHEARD…(4) Overheard in Social: Boy A: ‘What does Sicut Serpentes, Sicut Columbae mean?’

Boy B: ‘Yes, Yes, I do Latin so I know – “as cunning as a serpent, as gentle as Columbus.”’

Overheard in an A-level French lesson: Boy: ‘What’s the past tense of “of”?’

Don: ‘Sorry?’

Boy: ‘As in, “I аould of, I might of…”’

Overheard in the JCR: Boy: ‘Jamaica is not as bad as some other African countries.’

Overheard in Latin: Don: ‘Do you want to hear the joke my five-year-old daughter made up? ‘Why did the polar bear go to the desert? Because it wanted to die’ Should I be worried that I have sadistic children?’

Overheard in the holidays: Mother: ‘Wow there is something really wrong with your computer’ Boy: ‘Mum, that’s Dubstep’ Overheard in Supper: Boy A: ‘Are you in Set 8?’

Boy B: ‘Do I look stupid? I’m in Set 7.’

Overheard in Social: Shell: ‘How often does The Week come out?’

Keep sending in (printable) quotes – to chronicle@radley.org.uk

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

CHRONICLE DIY: HOW HARD CAN IT BE?

B

lot of work. It’s easy to shove some words on an A4 ELIEVE IT or not, creating a publication at page, but to change that from something resembling an Radley, logistically at least, is fairly straight actual publication requires a lot of work. All the forward. You send a sycophantic email to the newspapers you’ll read will have something called a Warden and Sub-Warden, they tell you to make a House Style: a set of rules on how things should prototype, you give it to them, they tell you to go and be laid out, what size of font should be used for what write your first issue, you email and banned vocabulary (‘D*vid Reprographics, then meet up to C*m*r*n’ is one of ours). This ‘Although many hands talk about printing, you arrange means that formatting does take a time to give the proofread a long time, but the finished make light work, many product looks like an actual draft of your publication to voices mean much magazine. Many people criticise AER, he reads it through, you the yellow ‘old school’ look of arguing…’ send it to reprographics, they Chronicle, which is fair enough, but that’s how the the print it, then you scatter it around hall. house style was laid down when it was made all those Seems too easy to be true? Apart from a few tweaks years ago, and to change that would be to make it look here and there that is pretty much exactly what needs potentially less like a publication and more like some to be done to make a publication at Radley – it really words on an A4 page which anyone could have written is that simple, and we would advise anyone, and made. especially VI.1s or Removes or Vths post GCSE, to Now we come to the Editors. Writing sixteen pages definitely consider giving it a go. The problems, of articles is a massive task, and putting them all on however, will always be the content, the layout, paper in a presentable way is another, but dealing with formatting and the Editors. the problems and the extra hierarchy brings is almost Content first. Believe it or not, it does actually take impossible. Although many hands make light work, many voices mean much arguing and eventually you’ll a bit of time to write sixteen pages of articles, and, have a publication in which nothing gets printed. if you want to do funny boxes with and an amusing Hence, however good the Chronicle is, there will caption in the corner of the page, that takes even always be bits that some people enjoy and others don’t. longer. It requires a great deal of time and patience, and That’s the nature of writing. that, among two other things, is why the Chronicle So to anyone wanting to start a publication, in a slightly doesn’t always come out every three weeks as it’s menacing way, the Chronicle will give you our full supposed to. backing and, as competition makes for a better Then there’s layout and formatting. To make a outcome, quite frankly, let the wars begin. publication look good, really good, takes a hell of a

HOW TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF IN AN EXAM BOYS

DONS

Play Chicken - this is where the first person to pick up their pen receives a forfeit.

Make Blutac models, then score the other Dons on their modeling ability.

Build towers out of your stationary.

Play human Pacman. Chapel robes are good for the costumes. Sleep.

Sleep.

Peer over a boy’s shoulder and laugh.

Check your texts. Pick your nose.

Call over the rest of the dons on duty to laugh at the boy’s answers.

Stare aimlessly into space. Sleep.

Sit at the back on your iPhone.

For every answer write ‘your mum’, before lightly

Play Battleships, with boys as the ships. Realistic noises make it all the more exciting.

crossing it out and writing the real answer. Tick next to the graffiti ‘tick if you’re bored’. Sleep.

Tell dons to go and stand next to, for example, the boy who will be in prison in 10 years’ time.

Actually do the exam (only joking).

Play Hide and Seek. This may cause confusion when hiding under boys desks.

Play it (no running allowed).

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

RADOPOLYTM The exclusive Radley spending game that everyone can play! See opposite for more details.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

These are some of the cards you will need to play RADOPOLYTM: five ‘Today Boards’, five ‘Tutor’s Announcements’, and ten ‘Radleiana’ – the last being unpredictable events that upset the otherwise smooth running of Radley life.

5 June 2015

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

A POLL, 47 YEARS ON

I

n researching possible formats of this publication, our founders came across an opinion poll of Radleians in one of their forerunners, ‘The Petreian’, which was published in Michaelmas 1968.

The poll, with some added questions, was reconducted in 2005 and the results were published in the Chronicle’s first issue. With вour help, аe reissued the poll and now present the results. We have not felt the need to comment on these statistics, but some are perhaps surprising, others more predictable; some are interesting merely in showing how little Radleian opinion has shifted. We thank all 269 Radleians who took the time to complete it. Correspondence on this matter is welcomed.

Do you want to go to university?

1968: Yes 70%, No 17%, Undecided 13% 2005: Yes 94%, No 5%, Undecided 1% 2015: Yes 96%, No 3%, Undecided 1% Do you want Radley to become co-educational?

1968: Yes 47%, No 40%, Undecided 13% 2005: Yes 51%, No 36%, Undecided 13% 2015: Yes 36%, No 54%, Undecided 10% Should Games be compulsory?

2005: Yes 80%, No 16%, Undecided 4% 2015: Yes 81%, No 14%, Undecided 5% Are you really interested whether the 1st XV win a match?

1968: Yes 71%, No 24%, Undecided 5% 2005: Yes 39%, No 51%, Undecided 10% 2015: Yes 63%, No 32%, Undecided 5% Do you think that there ought to be an alternative major sport to Rugger in the Michaelmas term?

1968: Yes 61%, No 34%, Undecided 5% 2005: Yes 32%, No 50%, Undecided 18% 2015: Yes 45%, No 49, Undecided 6% Do you enjoy Radleв…?

2005: Yes 78%, No 10%, Undecided 12% 2015: Yes 93%, No 7%, Undecided N/A Do you think that CCF (2005/15)/Corps (1968) should be completely voluntary?

1968: Yes 68%, No 32%, Undecided 10% 2005: Yes 52%, No 39%, Undecided 9% 2015: Yes 50%, No 42%, Undecided 8%

Do you think that corporal punishment by senior boys or dons should be allowed?

1968: Yes 37%, No 53%, Undecided 10% 2005: Yes 38%, No 48%, Undecided 14% 2015: Yes 33%, No 58%, Undecided 9% Do you take an active part in any societies?

1968: Yes 68%, No 28%, Undecided 4% 2005: Yes 40%, No 54%, Undecided 6% 2015: Yes 58%, No 33%, Undecided 9% Do you think that gowns should be abolished?

2005: Yes 32%, No 54%, Undecided 14% 1968: Yes 36%. No, 57%, Undecided 7% 2015: Yes 20%, No 77%, Undecided 3% What is the best aspect of Radley life?

2005: Sport: 37%, JCR: 8%, Shop: 5%, Boys: 4%, My Matron: 2%, May Day Madrigals: 1%, Other/ Undecided: 43%.

2015: Sport: 36%, JCR: 19%, Shop: 12%, Boys: 14%, My PHM: 1%, May Day Madrigals: 2%, Other/ Undecided: 16%.

If Radley closed, which other school would you wish to go to?

2005: Marlborough: 28%, Eton: 18%, St Edward’s: 9%, Harrow: 6%, Sherborne: 3%, Stowe: 3%, Millfield: 2%, Others: 15%.

(16% of College were either undecided or wished to go to a girls’ school.)

2015: Marlborough: 23%, Eton: 24%, St Edаard’s: 4%, Harrow: 10%, Sherborne: 8%, Millfield: 2%, Others: 28%.

THE RADLEY COLLEGE CHRONICLE

5 June 2015

CORRESPONDENCE Correspondence is invited from any interested parties: please send contributions via email to chronicle@radley.org.uk.

Correspondents are welcome to use a pseudonym but must make their identity known to the Editors.

To the editors of ‘The Radley College Chronicle’:

The first ever Correspondence Dear Sirs, Radley tells me that when I leave I will be a ‘wellrounded individual.’

I don’t want to be! I want to be thin!

Yours, etc.

‘WEIGHT WATCHER’ Dear All, Well, it’s been a tremendouslв busв 2007! Martina has been promoted and аon ‘Stockbroker of the Year’ (again!) and the children are having a аonderful time at school.

Peregrine (11) is editor of The Ludgrovian and a keen chess plaвer. He’s been invited to train аith the British team but unfortunatelв that clashed аith his scubadiving course in Mauritius. He’s top of the class in Biologв and Geographв and his form mistresss said he’s a dead cert for a scholarship to Radleв – folloаing in his brother’s footsteps, then!

Ollie (19) – аell, аe haven’t heard much from him apart from the ‘aаesome time’ he’s having in Australia on his gap вear. His last teбt message (in October, but the reception’s terrible over there, apparentlв) said he’s noа got a beard and a girlfriend – аe’re so proud of him. He hopes to take up a Phвsics and surfing course at prestigious Neаquaв Universitв аhen he returns (if he comes back!!).

Julian (15) is having a smashing time at Radleв: he’s

been elected SMAC rep for his house, and his housemaster is so proud of him. He’s the вoungest ever Editor of the Chronicle, аe understand, and he took a starring role in Phantom of the Opera this term as second Ghost. His singing voice is coming along nicelв, and he spent a аeek in March shadoаing Pavarotti shortlв before the big man passed aаaв, of course (RIP).

Jules scored a trв for his rugbв team, аas top beagler of the season (!), passed his Grade 5 clarinet and (don’t spread it around, though) seems set to be Head Boв again аhen the time comes! He’s so modest, too, and a blushing siб-footer noа, taller than his mum!

Hope to catch up in 2008!!

Love and kisses from all of us, ‘ROUND ROBIN’ Sir, I am becoming increasingly aware that the cleaning standards are slipping. Something must be done before this gets out of control.

MISTER BIT Dear Sirs, I would like to comment on the disgracefully biased position of the Chr…[With regret, this letter was shortened due to lack of space. Ed.]