from Su I have been in Bali for the past four months, immersing in the Ashram, helping at the College, developing ideas for the Pathway material and generally giving time and attention to my journey. I have been studying the Many Facets of Love and how they fit into and support my own quest for Truth. For the past three years following specific guidance I have been making these sojourns into self, spending time here at the Ashram to go deeper and discover how and why the ego lives in me, how it works and how I keep myself separate. To do this I have spent a lot of time away from Raj and the world, to give me the space and time to really focus on going in, to truly watch how I tick. I have an extraordinary life, so blessed with many gifts, abounding miracles, huge support and opportunities, yet my inner world has been incomplete, in a way that I feel many of us suffer and ‘soldier on’ through. Sad at times, certainly lacking in Joy, inclined to worry and live in my mind. Not able to really source Peace, that deep Peace that ‘Passeth all understanding’. Not able to fully feel connection to God and at times plagued by a lack of self esteem. Missing out completely on the natural confidence that just lives spontaneously, not caring about appearances, or try to work things out. The time simply arrived when it wasn’t okay any more to distract from this knowing. To keep talking about the Love of God without living it, to keep ‘looking like’ the Seamless Life without having it really. All the time, I kept one foot in the Queendom/Kingdom and one foot in the world. As the Truth is ever more fully revealed and owned, it becomes really painful.
I do know palpably when I am not coming from Love. All of the devices my ego used just kept coming to the surface, and I let them win. I kept choosing separation and heartache, yet I couldn’t quite find the mechanism to change it. I would find myself in the mind, again and again, with its incessant seduction to choose victimhood, story, dullness, tiredness, amnesia, safety and falseness. Not a pretty place and the more honest I became the more painful it was. There is truly, only, Love or fear. And I wasn’t in Love often enough. Jeshua was right all along, there is no condition or person or thing that prevents me from choosing Love. Not choosing Love has come from a long commitment to what I have hoped would keep me safe, conjured in the mind, chosen over Love time and again, very seductive strategies to keep me from having to feel vulnerable, and truly surrendered. To keep alive the notion that there is an ‘I’... a separate being that has some significance, somewhere to go, something to be. I had separation and individuality confused. One of the ego’s great tactics is to keep me confused about things that seem alike, yet are really opposite. In fact, my quest to be separate, protecting the sense of ‘I’ has succeeded in keeping my real individuality suppressed. How cute is that?
Separation is the result of using tactics to avoid intimacy, vulnerability, spontaneity, by being uncertain, defensive and cautious, all of which rob me of presence and the depth of my essence, my real individuality – the many facets of Love that God blessed me with. I am part of the One, a perfect jigsaw piece with its very specific gifts and aspects of light. I have no value apart; I only fit into a complete picture as an integrated part of the Holy Child of God. I am made to shine, to be exquisite in my uniqueness, yet I am nothing on my own. I can never be any other part of the puzzle either. So comparison is so futile. The truth is that there is no ‘me’... there is no separate identity, just a unique part of a whole. My identity with separateness kept reinforcing a personality that was an attempt to define ‘myself’, a self that I made in error, instead of simply flowering exquisitely as the Truth of who I really AM. God only knows how many evolutions of my soul have been wandering around in the quagmire of hurt and lack of fulfillment because I was trying to have my strategy for safety and still get God. I can see how all of this lifetime I have been moved gently toward this final realization, the understanding that in the end, it is only choice – the choice to accept the Truth that has never changed, and never been any further away than my breath.
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Have you met:
Raj & Suzanne
on www.christconsciousnessonline.com yet?
But I won’t ask you to listen to my whole lifetime. There is no need because it has been one story held and played over and over. A deep core belief that I am ‘unlovable’, and that little piece of insanity has replayed itself repeatedly, reflected back to me in a Hall of Mirrors, time and again. So I was focused on my lack of Love, instead of the Love I was meant to give. I played out my strategies of being useful, nice, insipid, hiding my gifts, playing them down so I didn’t offend. Being uncertain, looking for others to validate me, placating other egos, numbing out, not taking responsibility, trying to rearrange the outer, using appearances to make up for the lack of substance within, all in the Hope of getting Love. And all the while the answer was to simply give up trying to get anything, and simply surrender to giving It, being it. Love! Yet Love has been with me all along, in so many ways, in the Palpable Forgiveness workshops, in the subtle messages from Holy Spirit, relationships, time spent in meditation, breath work, contemplation, dropping into enquiry, asking for guidance, accepting the messages in the Enneagram and lastly in my determined commitment to finding the answer, staying with the Teachings as I conversed with Jeshua, journaling, spending time in silence, in short following the Pathway, to integrate the ego.
Ode to the Ego Oh ego... how long have we been lovers? How long have you kept me safe, from all that I refused to Love and embrace? Delivering all that I desired – that I might indulge my habits. Whispering all I wanted to hear. And in return I misused and mistreated you. Blamed you again and again. Used you – yet refused to let you go. How many masters & teachers have you procured for me? Smallness and its melody of seriousness, Fear and its child mistrust, Victimhood and its haven of blame. And by their agency, I became a virtuoso, Oh how perfectly I can play... every subtle nuance. A perfect symphony... Every note played with such sensitivity, Deeply felt and exquisitely expressed.
It has finally paid off. I have nailed the little ‘bugger’ and found the Path to Peace. I have turned the corner and I understand how it works in my own case. Nothing special to report here that you will not have heard before, but somehow I finally tipped into the commitment to Love. I finally got what it means to CHOOSE ONLY LOVE, and with that came Joy and Peace. Now the clean up phase is in place. Nurturing and giving my attention to the garden of Love. Watching and taking responsibility, staying vigilant. And this is not the end, it is the mere whiff of a beginning. I have spaciousness from the mind, where before I was fused. When it starts its egoic strategies of story, poor me, judgment, victimhood, lack or risk, I can just turn it off. And as I have left behind its craziness, its viciousness, its miasma, Peace has descended. I finally accepted responsibility for the fact that I am the one who chooses to allow the ego. I finally saw through how it palpably creates misery. That in those states of negativity I attack God and myself. There are NO private moments. Millisecond, by millisecond, everything that I give energy to, creates the next moment. I finally quit fighting it and I am free. I am happy, relaxed, creative, my true self. I have made it to the other side of choice. It is not that the ego is not still there. Ever happy to entertain, offer all manner of insanity, it’s just that I no longer give it value. I can see at last how it creates endless suffering. In the end Desire, Intention, Allowance and Surrender, succeeded, with the Grace of God and I am Free.
I can collapse with lightening speed. Numb out, Dumb out, Stagger in the intoxication of need, Faun and lie, so convincingly... Feed and Feed and Feed. I wander in your delicious haze, Hide under the leaves of your shade, Drunk on your ‘special’ bliss, Never having to show up or risk. Oh, you have been such a perfect friend. I have learnt so much in your care. All I’ve needed to keep me in this world – this circus rare. How long have I tarried here – dependent on you? Drunk on your wine, grasping and falling... But all things played and explored have their end and For some time now I have heard Real Love calling.
It doesn’t mean that I have control of anything, or that I don’t have healing and growth in front of me, it just simply means that a big chunk of what I was allowing no longer has leverage. I can cultivate the qualities that bring Peace. Presence, honesty, responsibility, humility, gratitude and real giving.
The very first Love... the Source of all Love... Faintly at first, but now strong. It is time to choose again... For I have loved you every way that I can. So I thank you old friend... for without you I might not have stayed, Nor understood the shade. My shadow. My depth. Or death. 5
I am returning home, and will be back in Australia by the time you read this. My deepest hearts desire is to develop contexts to support anyone who is committed to creating Peace and Truth for themselves.
Love Su anne ❂ Way of the Heart
I surrender you now with thanks and appreciation. Turn my cheek without blame or regret. For now I choose to be free. To Fly – Live in Glory – And be ALL I was created to be!