Q & A with KENA'I Suicide Survivor & Mental Health Warrior

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always different. At the age of 14, I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Being officially diagnosed finally gave me a little information on what was happening in my head. Not everyone in my family was accepting of my illness and some even believed “it was an excuse for crazy people to “act crazy” or for me, "a teenager to be rebellious."

My mom became my strength, but my father became my trigger and for many years my siblings were afraid of me. While trying to come to terms with my illness, I began to gain weight from the different medications that I was taking which caused me to become the target of bullying my 7th grade year in school. I lost friends, my grades dropped, and I began to lose my will to live. Not only did I feel alone at school, but I felt like a stranger in my own home.

After one very dark night, I had enough. Two weeks after my 13th birthday was the first of six attempts on my life. I went through three different facilities, engaged in self-harm, substance abuse, endured being raped, insecurities, spiritual emptiness, physical, mental and emotional abuse. After years of searching for strength, I finally found it within myself. I finally realized I am NOT my illness! It does NOT and will NOT define me! I am NOT crazy or hopeless! I am chosen! I found confidence in my beauty and I am ready to share my story…

It was a pleasure interviewing our Fashion Director; the daughter of our founder. We are blessed to be apart of her healing journey.

RUM: Healing is a process...what are some steps you had taken on your healing journey?

Kena’i: Processes I’ve taken on my healing journey is finding healing for myself and finding peace within myself. I feel like sometimes you have to seek forgiveness from other people, but you have to forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up for things you can’t change. Learn to be at peace with yourself and things you can’t change. Find peace with people who make you happy and people who are there to build you up and not tear you down. Accepting that you can’t change everything.

RUM: You mention forgiveness, what was your process of forgiveness?

Kena’i: My process of forgiveness first and foremost is going to the Lord in prayer first and repenting. Then asking Him to give me the strength to forgive others in the way I would want him to forgive me. I know that everyone is not perfect, and people make mistakes. I know that forgiveness is always hard, but you have to learn to forgive other people not just for them but for your sake. It takes a lot of energy to hate people. It takes a lot of energy to hold grudges. It takes a lot of energy to spew negativity in the world, but it takes only a second to forgive and share love, spread peace and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. The way you treat others should be how you want others to treat you. If you want somebody to forgive you for your shortcomings, you have to forgive other people. Not everyone is perfect.

RUM: What have you been diagnosed with?

Kena’i: I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, depression, PTSD, OCD, ODD, severe anxiety.

RUM: There were how many attempts of suicide?

Kena’i: I’ve had 6 attempts of suicide

RUM: Let's Talk About Your Mental Health Journey, why so many attempts, is it that you did not heal properly?

Kena’i: It was mainly because I didn’t know how to forgive myself. I dealt with so many demons and I had a lot of things within myself that I had to overcome. I had a lot of wrongdoings which goes back to your earlier question. Forgiveness is a part of healing and you can’t heal until you forgive. That was my problem. I would pretend to heal but I never forgave myself. I forgave other people, but I never forgave myself. I couldn’t heal until I was able to forgive myself.

RUM: How old were you when you experienced your 1st darkest moment and who/what helped you through that dark moment?

Kena’i: I was 8 years old. No one helped me. No one knew. I didn’t get help until I was 12 going on 13 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD and a lot of people didn’t understand what was going on, which is why I didn’t get the right type of help until I was 14. That’s around the age when I was correctly diagnosed.

RUM: Mental Struggles are not always obvious, what are some of your visible signs that go unnoticed?

Kena’i: A lot people think that when I tell them I’m feeling suicidal, they think that I’m speaking with the intention of attempting suicide or that’s an in the moment thing. People don’t realize that people who suffer from Bipolar depression and have suicidal thoughts, they never stop. It’s just that they learn to cope with it. They learn and eventually find a reason to fight to live but there’s always a part of them that questions their life or if they should still be a part of this world. It is true little things can tip them over the edge, because they are already dancing on glass. It’s just some days they are able to put shoes on and walk over that glass and some days they have socks on and may need a little help getting over it.

RUM: How were your teenage years and grade school for you?

Kena’i: It was terrible. I hated school. Kids are harsh. They don’t realize words hurt. We grew up with the saying sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That’s not true. Words hurt. In my opinion, kids don’t have that barrier or mentality that tells them enough is enough or they’ve gone too far. Some kids are cruel. And unfortunately, a lot of schools turn a naked eye to bullying and name calling. Some even look at it as kids being kids but it’s not right. Kids shouldn’t be picked on because you don’t know what that kid is going through at home. You don’t know what may have happened to that child before or after you are done picking on that child. You don’t know what goes on in their mind so bullying needs to be taken seriously. Kids should realize, just because someone looks different from you doesn’t mean they are not human because everyone has feelings, and everyone is a person and deserves respect. It’s one thing to pick and joke around but it’s another thing to deliberately hurt someone’s feelings. Some kids don’t know the difference between playing and hurting someone’s feelings.

RUM:What are some of your triggers?

Kena’i: One of my greatest triggers is usually when people are mean to me. I don’t like when people talk mean to me because I give everyone respect and I feel respect should be given to me. Treat people the way you want to be treated.

RUM: What has been the most difficult choice you have had to make to regain your mental strength?

Kena’i: Distancing myself from other people. Learning when to say no. Learning when to walk away from situations. I have a big heart and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeves. I tend to get my feelings hurt a lot because I tend to want to help everyone and try to make everyone feel good. Sometimes I have to learn to walk away and tell them it’s not okay for you to keep hurting me the way you do and it is not okay for you to keep treating me the way you do.

RUM: What is your greatest fear?

Kena’i: My greatest fear would be obliteration. To disappear completely without leaving any memories behind. Fear of not making a difference and not changing the world in any type of way. To feel like I have not left my mark by helping someone is a fear of mine. As I said, to basically disappear. I would be content if I met one person and changed their life with my story. If they said I didn’t commit suicide because of you. I don’t need the legacy. I just want to change a life. I would leave this earth happy knowing I saved one life. One person. Even if no one else knew about it as long as that person went on to save another life and so on.

RUM: How are you conquering your greatest fears?

Ken’i: One day at a time. I’m getting up out of bed, putting my pants on one leg at a time. I put a smile on my face and conquer the world. At one point I was scared to even open my front door and face the world. I wouldn’t even think of doing an interview, taking a photo, conversing with people, to now being in a long-term relationship. Now I’m getting married. So, I continue to conquer life every day. I have my own place now and my own vehicle. A lot of steps have been taken within this last year or two that I didn’t see for myself 10 years ago. Ten years ago, I was almost out of here.

RUM: When you look in the mirror now, what do you see?

Kena’i: When I look in the mirror, I see someone who has pieced back together themselves. I still have cracks but there’s beauty in those imperfections.

RUM: Have you discovered your true purpose in life?

Kena’i: No. But stay tuned. I’m only 23.

RUM: How important is a support system to you?

Kena’i: It’s very important to have a support system. It is important to have people to fall back on. It is important for you to have someone in your corner when life gets hard. You need someone to fall back on. Even people without a mental illness need someone to lean on. Everybody goes through rough patches in life and that’s when you need people in your life and who can rally around each other. God sends people in your life for a reason. God is always the best support system. I think every battle should be fought on your knees. There’s power in prayer and in numbers.

RUM: So, you’re the Fashion Director of RallyUp Magazine, was that by choice?

Kena’i: I enjoy it but it really wasn’t my idea. It wasn’t something I really wanted to do in the beginning. I was really insecure and it pulled me out of my shell. As time grew, it pushed me to be more confident in myself and in my body. Today, I can go to a photo shoot and take pictures. I’ve changed in small bathrooms and tents for shoots and the old me would dare not put on shorts and take a picture and now I’m taking pictures in bathing suits. It definitely was a confidence booster and I love it. The fashion section is growing because I’m bringing on new girls. I’ve since added a youth section. I’m looking to bring in more children, I build the adult section by bringing in more females. We also have the men’s section. I’m looking for more men or anyone who is not secure with their bodies. It’s about showing people how to enjoy life without feeling like you’re being judged.

RUM: There’s many people hurting, who are having thoughts of giving up or having thoughts of harming themselves; what encouraging words do you have for them?

Kena’i: I would say fight and continue to fight. Life may seem bleak right now. Life may seem hard right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Lean on the people around you. Lean on your support systems. Fall on your knees and pray. Cry out. God hears your tears even if you can’t, find the words to speak, God hears your tears. Your tears are prayers too. There are people out there that will listen to you. There are people out there that are willing to fight for you, when you can’t fight for yourself. You already took that first step by being here. All you have to do is take your next step and reach out to available resources and we will continue to walk with you. We will help you the rest of the way.