ANGER Misunderstood

By: Amanda Fludd

Anger is one of those emotions we are afraid to talk about or deal with, but, it’s like any other emotion that shows up to let us know that something may be wrong. All of us get angry at some point, maybe when something isn’t fair, someone has done us wrong, or something happens that is beyond our control like being stuck in traffic or missing a flight. The experience of the emotion can range from a little annoyed to straight name calling with ruthless digs, self-criticism (because some anger is expressed inwardly), or the worst-case scenario, physical aggression (the more familiar outward aggression). It’s a hot topic for most Americans with one in ten experiencing severe levels of anger, and most not even knowing their anger style. Huh, what is that? Let’s chat.

ANGER STYLES

There are four basic ways in which people respond to anger:

1. AGGRESSIVE: If one is aggressive, there is no filter. It is where one has a tendency to lash out without thinking, becoming physically or verbally aggressive. This style guarantees emotional or physical harm to yourself or someone else. It can look like bullying, hurtful memes, fighting, shouting, criticism, accusations, sarcasm, intimidation and full-blown rage. This style usually represents a need to be in control and involves preserving your views and needs at the expense of others.

2. PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE: How you feel is under lock and key or is internalized. You may not always admit that you are angry or express it. It usually looks like withdrawing in an argument, using the silent treatment, sulking, acting as if you are okay or showing anger indirectly through procrastination or sabotage. This style doesn’t like confrontation and uses it as a form of control when a situation is perceived to be out of control.

3. ASSERTIVE: The healthiest way to deal with anger. These

individuals can think before they speak (or use a coping skill first) and remain controlled and confident under stress. They communicate what they need, actively listen and are open to help with dealing with a situation.

TAKING BACK CONTROL

Ask yourself about what your anger wants you to know and if the way you communicate it represents who you are as a person. Does your current form of expression allow others to treat you with respect? Does it express your authentic needs or demonstrate your core values? Is it constructive? Does it leave room for the opinions of others? Does it know how to be direct and clear and turn off at the right time? Anger has a purpose and tells a story…your story.

“You should be angry. You must not be bitter. Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure. So, use that anger. You write it. You paint it. You dance it. You march it. You vote it. You do everything about it. You talk it. Never stop talking it.” — Iconoclasts, 2006 Maya Angelou

TAKE THE TEST Check off what you relate to:

SECTION A

• When in a disagreement, my voice easily escalates. • Some people are afraid to see me mad.

• My anger accelerates quickly.

• I have said malicious things about others to get back at them when I’m angry.

• It’s hard to keep my thoughts to myself when it is obvious that the other person is wrong.

• I like being blunt and speaking my mind.

• I have serious arguments with people who care about me, sometimes for no reason.

SECTION B

• I consistently find outlets for my anger to avoid building up like working out in the gym, reading, talking to friends, yoga or mindfulness.

• I’ve said things in anger that I knew I needed to apologize for and, I did.

• I don’t sweat the small stuff and pick and choose my battles.

• In most situations, I would say I have control over my anger.

• I can let others know when I need help or when I need space to think or calm down.

• I am known for speaking my point and being clear about my needs and feelings.

• I am able to say ‘no’ or set boundaries when necessary.

SECTION C

• I have a hard time forgiving people.

• I often agree to do things when I don’t really want to.

• I usually just keep my frustrations and problems to myself.

• There are times I don’t trust my own opinions or thoughts.

• Sometimes it takes me longer than I would want to, to get over being angry.

• Unknown to others, I experience a great deal of resentful thinking.

• I can be difficult to approach or hostile towards those who upset me.

WHICH SECTION HAD THE MOST CHECKS?

If you ended up with more A’s you have an aggressive style of communication and anger is handling you.

ACTION STEPS:

1. Your anger is really telling you there is something deeper that needs attention. It may be a good idea to talk to a therapist about it to unpack that story. 2. Invest in learning a few steps to put some space between your reactions and situations. Try ten quick breaths before responding, excuse yourself and take a short walk, indulge in the aroma and tastes of your favorite foods as a form of distraction, or use a journal or your phone to write what you feel.

MORE B’S: You have an assertive style of expressing your anger and can express your needs without defensiveness or coercion, while considering the needs of others. You are probably more aware of what gets you upset and know what to do when upset. Since no one is perfect, it’s great to consider how to strengthen your communication skills.

ACTION STEPS:

1. Are there new coping skills you want to develop? Maybe starting an art class or increasing your mindfulness practices. 2. Take some time to reflect on any areas in your life that can cause anger or frustration at times. Consider what may be the cause of that and one step you can take to resolve it.

MOSTLY C’S: You have a tendency to keep things inside and not expose your own anger with this passive aggressive style. While it can be good to move past or dismiss some emotional experiences, it doesn’t always mean your problem with anger is resolved. After a while, what we avoid or ignore can take a toll on ourselves or others.

ACTION STEPS:

1. Practice saying what you feel, keeping it simple and to the point. “I feel _____ when you ____, can you please ___”. See what that does for you and your relationships when you practice being honest and open about your needs. 2. Set goals to make things happen for you and put them up where you can see them daily. Share what you want with others and take chances towards your goals. If you never speak up and keep waiting to be heard, life will sail on by.

“Passive aggressive behavior consumes unnecessary time and resources. Say what you mean, let’s resolve the issue, and move on to more productive tasks.” Victoria Odiase

Anger is a phenomenal emotion, and it’s okay to feel it, take a look at it and release it. You can learn a lot about yourself by being a little curious about what makes you angry. We hope you found this quiz helpful. If you want more support around anger, feel free to email your questions to….(RallyUp info). You can find Amanda Fludd, Licensed Clinical Social Worker at: www.amandafludd.com.