Am I Made for This?

By: Tyi Flood

I found myself crying to and from work each day, hiding in the restroom moments at a time, and feeling like my life was caving in on me. Along with these feelings and constant stress, I began to question myself a lot. My focus was slipping, and I knew that I was totally disconnected from my job. Disconnection is definitely a no-no when you’re managing a team of people and a team of projects.

Three years into the position that I thought was the position of my dreams, but there I was falling apart. So many thoughts crossed my mind as I left my job unfulfilled and in fear daily. Walking on eggshells thinking that you’re going to lose your job is one thing but walking on eggshells unsure that you are good enough for the job is another.

Of course, my job was stressful, but I loved stress—good stress. You know that fast-paced environment that you make note of on your resume. I had worked in a fast-paced environment for so many years, that I couldn’t think of doing anything else. I thrive off of it. I love what I do. This is my career…or so I thought. To think that all of those late hours staying up to finish my degree, was just a waste of time. As an educated black woman, in a high-position, here I am having a mental breakdown. This wasn’t something that I could confide in my colleagues or manager about. There was already tension from the entire team due to envy and control; expressing how I was feeling was only going to give them the ammunition they needed to get me out of there. I worked hard; worked in all weather conditions, led a team of over 15 millennial employees, and travelled regionally to train.

On top of working hard at my full-time, I was also a full-time mother dealing with a young child who was exhibiting behavior issues.

Being a mother was my #1 priority, so of course any issues that my child faced took a toll on me and my production. In addition, I’ve always worked side jobs and activities. It was just too much, and my body was shutting down. I began therapy and had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder along with anxiety. It was a relief to vent and release harboring emotions. I remember asking my therapist, “What’s wrong with me?” I was in disbelief; with all my blessings, here I was depressed and having thoughts of ending it all.

My therapist reassured me that I wasn’t going crazy, but I was in a toxic work environment, along with home stress, which could trigger depression and anxiety in a major way. I requested medical leave from my job, and what was meant for a few weeks turned into a few months.

Within those months, I really began questioning my career, and where this path was going to lead me. Is it time to change my career? If so, where do I start? What do I do? In addition to the anti-depressants, I learned coping methods that would assist me in recovery. I must pace myself. I also knew that I never wanted to manage people again. I returned to work three months later and had a new look on what my future held. Ten months later I found another position, and now I know what my boundaries are and how to nurture my mental health.