A Day In The Life Of Revenge Eve Schizer ‘22

Revenge checks her list of souls to visit that day and sighs. The human propensity for revenge keeps her in business, but it also means a great deal of paperwork. Today’s task is a report on the duel between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. The reports, in theory, are meant to help Pluto decide where a soul should go in the Underworld. In reality, though, they usually end up in Pluto’s recycling bin while he lets Proserpine make the decisions. Revenge sighs, extends her blackplumed wings, and takes flight. Flying through time and space ruffles Revenge’s feathers, but it’s all part of the job. Revenge exists wherever humanity is, whether that’s a medieval castle, the White House, or the colony on Mars in the year 2500.

With a flap of her wings, Revenge lands in a tree in Weehawken, New Jersey, 1804. She notes Hamilton’s glasses, Burr’s expression of determination, and the trajectory of both bullets. The bullet that hits the branch of her tree is an annoyance, but it can’t harm her.

She fills three pages of her moleskin notebook with notes, then tucks it into her pocket. She surveys the scene once more, nods to herself, then flies back to her office in the Underworld. She sits down in her red leather swivel chair, sets the notebook down on the ebony desk, and opens her silver MacBook (time has no meaning in the Underworld; any technology is fair game). Revenge could use a holographic interface, but she appreciates having keys that click and the ability to delete words; she did enhance the MacBook, though, with 3-D capability—and, of course, a decorative rim of two-carat diamonds. She has two reports to write: one for Burr (the avenger), and one for Hamilton (the victim). The report on Burr will be added to his file and reviewed upon his death. The report on Hamilton is more timely. It will be the last piece of paperwork in his file (aside from Thanatos’ Method of Death report, but MOD’s are just standard procedure). After a few hours of typing and consulting her notes, Revenge finishes her report. Now she has to go find Hamilton’s file. It’s a good thing that the Underworld is infinite. Otherwise, they’d have run out of filing space millennia ago. Revenge heads toward the floor dedicated to Hs and starts scanning for Hamilton, Habb, Hae, Haggins, Hall, and on and on. Finally, Hamilton, A., just to the left of Hamilton, P., and Hamilton, R.

While she could fly to the courthouse, it’s much more convenient to take the U train. Swiping her ID at the turnstiles—God, issuing Orpheus a guest pass had been such a nightmare—Revenge steps through to the platform. After a few minutes of waiting, an announcement plays over the loudspeakers: “Thank you for your patience. Some escaped souls have jumped onto the tracks and are preventing the trains from leaving the stations. The issue will be resolved shortly.”

Revenge sighs. Is it worth it to fly? she ponders. I’m sure the Judges can keep busy deciding the fate of other souls until I get them Hamilton’s file. Might as well wait…

Ten minutes later, the train rumbles into the station. Revenge squeezes herself into the packed car, mindful of her wings, and tries not to focus on the smell wafting from the nymph to her right. Styx nymphs stink.

After five stops, the loudspeaker crackles: “Next stop is Courthouse Station.” Once the train stops, Revenge shoves her way through the people blocking the door and hurries to the courthouse. She taps her ID on the scanner, opens the door, and briskly walks up to the Judge’s bench, completely ignoring the startled spirit whose fate would be decided in the hearing she just interrupted.

“Hamilton’s file,” she tells them, dropping it on the desk. Minos nods at her in thanks, then turns back to the spirit at hand. Dismissed, Revenge heads back to the train station. There’s some chocolate cake waiting for her at home.