I Encountered God By Loretta Tan by casey goh

I ENCOUNTERED GOD MY TRUE LIFE EXPERIENCES

LORETTA TAN

Published June 2015 Copyright ÂŠ 2015 Loretta Tan ISBN 978-981-09-5093-4 Published by Loretta Tan All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher or the author. Printed in Singapore

DEDICATION This book is dedicated to a maternal aunt, a Canossian nun attached to St. Anthonyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Convent, Middle Road, Singapore. She was instrumental in making Jesus known to me. I attended the school for three years from 1947 to 1949, when I was 7-9 years of age. Every day at recess time, my Aunt would wait outside my classroom. When the bell rang, I would quickly run to her. Holding my hand, she would lead me to the Chapel. When I first looked up at the huge Crucifix, she guided me to kneel down to pray. At each visit, she would first spend a few moments in personal prayer, after which she would pray for me, and she would then lovingly teach me to pray. She also gave me a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. All too soon, I had to leave school as my family moved to Johore Bahru. I did not realize at that time that I would never see my aunt again, as she passed away a few years later. Although I was sad to hear of her passing, I felt, and still feel, a great sense of gratitude whenever I think of her and the daily trips to the Chapel. My aunt had left me a legacy that would stay with me and grow over the years â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the legacy of faith in Jesus Christ! This book would not have been possible otherwise.

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FOREWORD Our lives come from God and, through our faith and the way we live, we give glory to God. The sharing of Loretta is a wonderful testimony of how God guides us through His Holy Spirit. I have known Loretta since 1982 when I served at Church of Christ the King. There Loretta faithfully served in several ministries such as RCIA, Legion of Mary, Neighbourhood Group and the Ministry to the Sick. Inspired by the Holy Spirit, Loretta has been reaching out to nonchristians, counselling troubled individuals and praying with them. May this sharing of Loretta inspire and encourage you to experience the loving hand of God.

Rev Anthony Ho March 2015

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT I would like to thank Helen, Adeline and Lay Leng for editing this book. My thanks also go to Doreen and Joanna who did the typing.

PROLOGUE I have always been eager and willing to share my experiences of God’s healing love with people whom I come into contact with. Many of them have told me that I should write a book. My brother, one year my senior, 15 at the time, asked me to help him write a short composition about his life. He said, ‘I don’t know how to write. Can you help me?’ I did. He was elated when he showed me what his Mission-school teacher wrote, ‘Very good! Continue writing and you will be a writer.’ I felt thrilled and excited and have developed a passion for writing. I believe this gift of writing comes from God, as it is not an easy task for me to accomplish, having only studied up to Primary Five and not having mastered the skill of writing. I have written my first book fourteen years ago, ‘To God Be The Glory Great Things He Has Done.’ I certainly did not have any intention of sharing my life-story. However, I have felt that God would want me to share my trials and tribulations, so that He could reach out and help to uplift all who face problems of any kind – be they spiritual, physical, mental, marital or material – when they turn to Him in prayer and supplication. Whatever the situation we are in, we should never give up. We should always seek help from our loving God. He has carried me through all my trials and I have triumphed. He will help anyone who seeks Him and believes in Him. Every cloud has a silver lining. This is the lining which has brought peace to my life.

I will always walk in His presence. He never fails us, but all good things come about in his own time and in his own way. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30: Come to me all you who labour and are burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart and you will find rest for yourselves, for my yoke is easy and my burden light.

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CONTENTS FOREWORD IV ACKNOWLEDGEMENT V PROLOGUE VI PART I : 1. MY FAMILY 2. BUSINESS VENTURE 3. CHOREOGRAPHED A DANCE 4. MY THREE ADMIRERS 5. MOVED TO BRUNEI 6. BACK IN SINGAPORE 7. FIRST SUICIDE ATTEMPT

1 14 21 24 41 64 82

PART II: 8. I ENCOUNTERED GOD

PART III: 9. ACCOUNT ZERO 10. SECOND SUICIDE ATTEMPT

108 114

FINAL WORD 128 EPILOGUE 129

spent mending clothes on her rusty old sewing machine. Mom had reared some ducks in the backyard and she would collect the eggs for staples. I took two duck-eggs, broke them onto the rice and fried them together to make ‘Fried Rice’ and I called out to ‘Bob! Come and eat fried rice!’ Every time when there was no food, we would fall back on duck-eggs. I grumbled, ‘Yah lah! Every time eat duck-eggs! No wonder I have become stupid and, even for my school marks, I got a duck-egg [meaning 0 (zero)].’ MY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES (1) Our school principal, who was also the owner of the school, was a detestable 60-year-old Indian man, whom we nicknamed ‘Bomchek’ (fatty), owing to his oversized and protruding belly, which appeared to be in danger of bursting at any moment. He saw to it that no one cheated when it came to paying school fees. He wielded a rotan (cane) everywhere he went and never hesitated to use it as he saw fit. We could see him making his rounds, as the classrooms had louvered windows. It was on school-fee days that his presence was the most dreaded. Some of the students were from homes no better off than ours and, like us, were constantly in arrears when it came to paying school fees. Looking out of the windows and seeing him walking towards our classroom, some of the students would send out the alarm, earnestly whispering, ‘Bomchek is coming! Bomchek is here!’ I stood up and saw him enter the classroom next door. The sound of the ‘rotan’ making contact with the flesh (whack) was clearly audible through the walls. My instinct was to run out of the classroom but it was too late. His big frame soon blocked the doorway. He boomed, ‘Who has not paid up his school-fees?’ his voice resonating through the classroom, the stillness of the air making it all the more threatening. Cornered, I had no choice. I slowly 9

extended a trembling hand, tears welling up in anticipation of the pain coming. He took my hand, stretched it out fully, and down came the ‘rotan’. Then he signalled that I put out the other hand. The pain was unbearable but the anguish and humiliation of being caned in public caused me more embarrassment. (2) My Standard I Mathematics Teacher, Mrs. Singh, called me up to do the sums which she had written on the blackboard. I was already in a panic while she was writing, as I had feared that she would call me. True to my fears, my name was called. Dazed and unable to move, I remained seated. She angrily called me again, and I slowly walked up. She commanded, ‘Do the sums!’ I dreaded those moments, as I was poor in Mathematics. Standing in front of the board, my only thought was on her. Is she going to hit me again? How hard will it be? As I hesitated, Mrs. Singh scolded, ‘Rubbish - what are you waiting for? You are so lazy and never study!’ her voice cracking in agitation, and she slapped my face. I felt her strong palm swipe across my cheek, turning it red instantly. Wasting no time, her other hand went for my ear and twisted it round and round, scolding repeatedly, ‘You are so stupid, really stupid!’ As she wrote out the answer on the board, her left hand never lost contact with my ear. She then yelled, ‘Get back to your seat, you good-for-nothing!’ All eyes were glued on me as I walked back to my desk. They must have felt sorry for me. No one dared to say a word. All I felt was extreme pain, physical and emotional, and great embarrassment. (3) One night, while I was sleeping face up on our ‘bed’ of wooden boxes, I felt someone tugging at my panties. I woke up and was shocked to find my 6th brother, dad’s favourite son, 17, at my side. I was 11 then. My panties were down to my knees, exposing my bare bottom. I quickly sat up, too shocked for words. I wanted

and inhalers for headache, colds and stomach-ache relief, and also of lemon draught for constipation and stomach-cleansing, was not doing well, due to the Chinese physicians and drug-stores not patronizing his products. There was a time when his business went into a slump for three to four months, and the rent went unpaid for that period and the credit granted for provisions stopped. We therefore had to depend on the eggs of the ducks that Mom reared in the backyard. At such times, even that was a treat. Our deprivation of food caused us to constantly feel hungry. Dad found fault with everything; and he took it out on mom, grumbling, ‘Why is this tea so light? It doesn’t taste like tea at all. I want it thick and you make it light. I want to go Johor and you said Singapore. I say black and you say white.’ To maintain peace, Mom suppressed her anger, said not a word, and continued with whatever task she was doing. BUSINESS VENTURE At the request of a friend, Mr. Loh, who liked his inhalers, dad packed up for Kuala Lumpur to start a business with him. He left by train, accompanied by Mom, 5th brother and me. In Kuala Lumpur, dad rented a room in an apartment on the first floor which came with a small balcony and a common kitchen; he wasted no time in making friends with the tenants of the other rooms, as he loved to play mahjong and would always be on the lookout for like-minded enthusiasts to form a group of four players for a game; mahjong thus became a nightly activity on our floor. Dad met Mr. Loh at his house to discuss the terms for their business and was offered $500.00 p.m. for a start. Mr. Loh had booked a stall and engaged a salesgirl to sell dad’s menthol and inhalers at a fair at The Beauty World.

Our stall was a tiny space, and though our salesgirl tried her very best to sell dad’s menthol and inhalers, nobody was interested, whereas the ‘Axe Brand’ medicated oil in the stall next to ours was flying off the shelf. Our salesgirl got discouraged and decided to quit. The next day, before he left to meet Mr. Loh, dad told mom that I had to help look after the stall. After he left, I protested, as I had no proper clothes and shoes, but mom advised against upsetting dad, adding that I needed to help out for three weeks only. I feared dad’s fury if I were to disobey him. Dad appeared totally unsympathetic to my concerns, being unable to put himself in the mind of a teenager where self-image was an obsession. I had only one dress and two cheongsams given to me by a nurse, and had to make do with those three pieces of clothing, wearing them by rotation for three weeks. The cheongsams’ fabrics were quite thin and I had no suitable slips to go with them. So I tried to alter a petticoat by cutting slits along the sides, but failed to get the desired result, as the petticoat still peeped out of the cheongsam’s slits. I was frustrated and told mom of my fear that people would stare at me. As it was almost 5.00 p.m., I had to hurry to borrow the next-door auntie’s make-up. She very obligingly offered to help me make-up, after which she complimented that I looked beautiful and older with make-up on. I was fifteen years of age and my first time with make-up. I thanked auntie. When the fair was over after three weeks, I felt relieved. WHERE THE BOYS WERE One evening, while a second-floor resident, Ms. Fong, 25, and I were strolling around the grounds of the apartments, another resident, Mr. Lee, 30, who often played mahjong with dad, waved to us from the first-floor balcony of a corner apartment, and invited us up; he introduced his friends, Peter, 23, and James, 21, who were brothers, 15

and another friend, Harry, 26. We stayed for a while, listening to James singing and playing the guitar. Whenever dad played mahjong, I had a little respite because his mind would be on the game and he would forget about me. On a subsequent visit, James, as usual, was with his guitar, strumming and singing, while Ms. Fong and I listened or chatted with the others. As the evening wore on, the guys, with the exception of Peter, started to tease me. Harry teased, ‘Retta, you’re so pretty, and I am sure you have many boys chasing after you. Don’t tell me you had never been in love with a boy?’ James also joined in, ‘Come, I’ll sing you a love song and bring back memories of your past love.’ Mr. Lee butted in, ‘When I win a lottery, I will go and see your dad and ask him for your hand in marriage,’ and they all started laughing. I retaliated by taking a newspaper from the coffee-table, folded it, and went round whacking them. They continued laughing and shielding their faces from me. Peter was displeased and he gave me a stern look. On our leaving, Peter saw us out and arranged with me to meet him the next evening at around 7.30 at the foot of the staircase. I told him that I could only sneak out when my dad was playing mahjong. The next evening, after rounding up three of dad’s mahjong friends, I sneaked out upon their starting their session at 8.00 p.m. to meet Peter at the appointed place, and apologized for being late. As we walked down the road, he admonished me about my not being ladylike the previous night when I tried to hit the guys for teasing me. I kept quiet, feeling ashamed. Then I confided in him about my dad restricting me in meeting boys and the punishments I had suffered at his hands. As I was pouring out my sorrows, I became emotional and tears started to flow. Peter consoled me, and I warmed up to him. We then headed home.

MY THREE ADMIRERS The three police officers working with Morris had all taken an interest in me and had indicated to him and June that they would like to have me as their future wife. But my sister would not allow me to go out with any of them, unless she tagged along. (1) Police Officer Mick, 23, Chinese, fair, and of medium height and build, dressed in his smart uniform, one day came to June’s house, and called out to me, as he stood outside the window. He was taking me and June out for dinner at Koek Road, telling us that he would pick us up at 7.00 p.m. that night. I was not too impressed with the venue, it being hot, crowded and noisy, but June reasoned that he had just joined the police force then. After dinner, Mick drove us home. Thanking him, I wished him good night. (2) Police Officer Harry, 24, Chinese, tanned, of medium height and build, was one of those in the group that my sister and her husband Morris went nightclubbing with. I was with them and while Harry was dancing with me, he said, ‘When I met you for the first time at your sister’s house, I knew I had found the girl of my dreams. Do I stand a chance?’ Not wanting to hurt him and trying to be tactful, I replied, ‘You are every girl’s dream and whoever you choose is lucky.’ His face beamed and he smiled happily. He looked at me with love in his eyes. I guess my response must have given him the wrong impression that I was interested in him. (3) Police Officer, James, 25, Eurasian, tall, fair, handsome and of medium build, was one who knew the way to a girl’s heart. It was his brooding, good Eurasian looks that drew me to him. I was so charmed that I could not help whispering in his ear, ‘I could continue dancing with you the whole night through and not change partners.’

He responded, ‘Wait for me. I’m sitting for my exams in six months’ time. Then, when I get promoted, I will marry you.’ He then pulled me close and looked intently into my eyes and said, ‘You are mine! No one can steal you away! My heart skipped a beat. He looked so sincere and I never doubted a word he said. That night, I lay awake and replayed those tender moments in my mind over and over again. I dreamt of a life with him, away from dad. I had to be patient and wait for my man to get his promotion and my dreams would be fulfilled. RAF ANNIVERSARY PARTY At June’s home in the police quarters at Joo Chiat, Lily and I were excitedly talking about the Royal Air Force’s anniversary party to be held the next evening. The phone rang. It was James inviting me, with June and Morris, to a midnight movie. I replied that my RAF pilot-friends had also invited me and Lily to their anniversary party to be held at the Seaview Hotel the same evening. James told me to attend the party, after which he would fetch me at the hotel entrance at midnight, adding that he would buy the tickets for the movie. I asked him to get an additional ticket for Lily. CROWNED BEAUTY QUEEN (1956) The next evening, we arrived at the hotel in a taxi. Our pilot-friends, Edward and Chris, watched out for us at the lobby and showed us to our table. Edward introduced us to three other guys who were already seated at the table - their buddies, Ronald, Steven and Paul, who were also pilots in the Air force. It was a great party, filled with music, drinking, dancing and singing, and we enjoyed ourselves tremendously. Lily and I danced with Edward and his buddies. Just before midnight, the Master of Ceremony announced the names of 25

the beauty contestants whose names had been submitted earlier. I had no idea that Lily’s and my name had also been submitted. Just as we were about to leave for the movie, I heard my name being announced. I was stunned for a moment and wondered what to do. They clapped hard and loud, urging me to join the other ladies standing in line on the dance floor. I hesitated. The people from the other tables were wondering why I hesitated to move. I was anxious to get away, as June and the others would be waiting for us. To appear gracious to the warm audience, I decided to stay on. When we were told to give a little catwalk, we gamely followed and even struck poses and ended up in a straight line. I was at the left end of the line. The Master of Ceremony pointed towards my direction, but I was not sure at whom he was actually pointing. A European lady, who was standing beside me, said, ‘Go! You are the winner!’ It took me quite a while to get out of my daze. I then moved forward towards the Master of Ceremony who was waiting. He crowned me RAF Beauty Queen (1956), draped a sash across my shoulder and presented me with a prize: a bracelet with initials on it. Encouraging me to acknowledge the crowd, he proclaimed, ‘Let me present you the winner of the RAF Beauty Queen for this year – Miss Retta Tan!’ There was loud clapping, with wolf whistles from the crowd. I was elated and thrilled and felt like it was a dream. Never in my wildest imagination did I expect to win in such a contest, as the other contestants were beautiful European ladies in their lovely evening gowns, while I was in a simple home-sewn dress and shoes too big for my feet. Lily and I walked back to our table. The guys at our table stood up and congratulated me. My 3rd brother’s wife, Emily, one day came for a visit but my sister

June was out playing mahjong and would be back late. I suggested that Emily stay overnight. When brother-in-law Morris came home from office, he told us to change as he was bringing us out for a dance, after which James would fetch us back, while he would send a couple home. At the nightclub, we saw Harry drinking alone at the bar. He was happy to see me and swaggered towards us with a glass in his hand and asked, ‘May I have this dance with you, Retta?’ He placed his glass on the bar-top, took my hand and led me to the dance floor before I could reply. He felt sticky and held me so close that I could smell the alcohol in his breath. I was not pleased and pushed him away. He looked angry at first but then softened. He was in no mood to continue dancing. James, who obviously was watching us, appeared at my side and led me away, leaving Harry staring after us. To the tempo of the song ‘Autumn Leaves’, I moved with James, practically wrapped in his arms. Strangely, I did not mind it at all even though our bodies were touching each other: I was drowned in the sweetness of the moment. James confessed, ‘Retta, Retta, I can’t take my eyes off you! I’m madly in love with you.’ His lips brushed against my ear as he murmured, sending tingles down my spine. When the music ended, he abruptly let go of me and jumped up onto the band stand. Before I realized what was happening, he was crooning along with the band playing the tune ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes’. He kept turning towards my direction as he sang, making me self-conscious and giddy-headed with all the attention that I was getting. I was aware that Harry was sitting at the farthest corner of the room, drinking by himself and feeling quite despondent, but I was too happy to feel sorry for him.

SAMMY ENTERED MY LIFE In Singapore, while at June’s house, we would go dancing almost every weekend. It was on one of those nights at a nightclub that I met Sammy who was later to become a significant part of my life. He approached our table where I was seated with June and Morris, together with James and our newly-acquainted friends, Edwin and wife Molly. While greeting Morris, Sammy had his eyes cast in my direction. He looked about nineteen, rotund, and with fine clothes, obviously from a wealthy family. He was a natural charmer. In front of everyone, he took my handkerchief, sniffed it, and gently slid it into his shirt pocket, taking care not to form any creases. He stood up, bowed slightly, and stretched out a hand for mine. He led me to the dance floor and kept his eyes locked on me all the time. He did not need to say a single word: his actions, so deliberate and showy, were intended for all to see. Every single pair of eyes in the room was turned towards us at that time. He smelt of liquor. He was not steady on his feet, swaying a bit, and could not dance well. At some moments, I found his body practically leaning on me. At the end of the dance that evening, he told Morris that he wanted to bring all of us to his brother-in-law’s house in Grange Road, and that he wanted me to go in his car. Alone with him, I did not feel comfortable at all. Only his right hand was on the steering wheel, his face turned towards me, smiling all the time. Suddenly, with his left hand, he seized my right hand and brought it to his lips and rubbed the back of my hand on his lips back and forth. We arrived at his brother-in-law’s house which was a double-storey bungalow and was beautifully furnished. He was obviously out to impress me. His brother-in-law greeted us cheerfully with the invitation, ‘Help yourselves to the drinks at the bar.’ I overheard

Morris whispering into June’s ear, ‘Sammy’s father’s house is much bigger than this - like a castle’, while we were all standing close to each other outside, admiring the palatial residence and the manicured grounds in the garden. June was in particularly high spirits that night, as she knew that Sammy was attracted to me. Materialistic like dad, she viewed this as a good prospect of things to come. We would usually visit dad and mom in Johore Bahru at the beginning of the month when Morris got his salary, and June would hand some money to dad. Dad, as usual, was seated in his favourite chair. June wasted no time in breaking the news to him, ‘Pa, a millionaire’s son, named Sammy, is interested in Retta and comes very often to see her.’ Dad, of course, was happy to hear such news. To him, it was like striking a gold mine. Approving, he said to me, ‘You can get a rich man with your beauty. You can have a good life and need not have to suffer.’ At home in June’s house one afternoon, I was really surprised to see dad, who had travelled all the way from Johore Bahru to Singapore to see me. It was certainly not a fatherly call; I soon found out the reason for his visit: he wanted me to borrow $2,000.00 from Sammy, saying that he had no money to buy food and to pay the rent, and adding that if Sammy refused, he could forget about seeing me again and that I had to go back to Johore Bahru. That evening Sammy dropped by and greeted dad, who nodded and walked into the dining room. I was at pains to broach the subject. Out of fear of dad, I tried to find courage to ask Sammy for the money. He noticed I was not myself and asked, ‘What’s troubling you, my love?’ I managed to let out that dad asked for $2,000.00 from him. Sammy agreed to give the money the next day. He then suggested having

dinner the next night at the Singapore Hotel, and that Morris, June and James were also invited. He then lifted my right hand and kissed it, saying, ‘You are so charming and I want to see you every day. See you tomorrow. Good night, love!’ Sadly for me, dad asking for and receiving the money from Sammy caused me to be bound to Sammy and forming the basis for the beginning of my relationship with him. The next night, we were all seated at a table in the nightclub, when Sammy introduced his younger brother, Jonathan. Then, a Chinese female singer walked down from the stage to our table and Sammy offered her a chair next to him; he was thus seated between her and me: I wondered what she was doing at our table! A male member of the band went to the mike and announced, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, today is Ms. Penny’s birthday. We would like to dedicate this song to wish her a ‘Happy Birthday’. The band then started to play the ‘Happy Birthday’ song; Sammy lifted up his glass and asked us to join him in a toast to Ms. Penny. I was not happy with his behavior, as he had paid too much attention on her, helping her with the food, and giving her various compliments. James dared not dance with me, seeing Sammy sitting next to me; instead, he danced with June, but his eyes were watching me. One day, my sister brought me to Robinson to see a friend, Mavis, a salesgirl there. While we were talking at her counter, a tall, handsome, middle-aged European man was looking and smiling at us. Mavis said he was her boss. When we went home, June received a call from Mavis, saying that her boss was attracted to me, and that he was offering me a job at the Sales Counter. June laughingly replied that dad would never allow me to work. Hearing June’s reply, I thought to myself, ‘I am like a dog on a leash, to which she and dad are tightly holding on.’

Mavis also told June that Sammy had gone to her counter to buy some ladies’ handkerchiefs, and I wondered whether they were for me. He came in the evening, carrying a paper bag, and smilingly handed it to me. We sat on the sofa, and I tried to make some light conversation, but he was more interested in touching me and trying to kiss me. I resisted him and pushed him away, but he grabbed hold of my hands and held them tightly, saying ‘I just want to hold you and kiss you. You are so charming!’ I stopped him, telling him that the front door was open and that Morris and June could walk in at any time and that it wouldn’t be nice if they caught us kissing. One Sunday morning, Sammy brought us to his sister’s single-storey beach house in Loyang. While Sammy was talking to Morris and June outside near the beach, I went into the house to get a drink, and was surprised to see James there. Straightaway, he voiced his disappointment and anger, saying, ‘I have told your sister of my intention to marry you and I have asked her to convey the message to your dad. You know very well of my plan to marry you and yet you are now going out with Sammy.’ He punched his fist in the air as he said this. His eyes were misty - I could see that he fought hard to hold back his tears. He stared at the ceiling for a long time before he continued, ‘You are unfaithful, a cheat, and you’re money-face!’ I answered him silently in my mind, ‘If only you can look into my eyes, and see my heart, you will know that I am in as much misery as you are. James, James, if only you know that you will always have a special place in my heart. Do you not know that I am being held a prisoner?’ My chance of continuing my friendship with James thus came to an end. The other two officers also bowed out, with Harry, in tears, disclosing to Morris that he was in love with me and that he could compete with James and Mick; but, with Sammy in the race, he felt that he stood no chance, status-wise.

When Sammy and I started to see each other more often, I began to see his true self behind the mask of charm and gallantry. On a night out for supper, a speeding car overtook us. Sammy was infuriated and gave chase. He raced till he was well ahead of the other motorist. He walked to the middle of the road which was along a quiet stretch and raised both his hands to signal to the motorist to stop. The man came out of the car. Sammy walked up to him and shouted, ‘Who the hell are you? Dare to overtake me!?’ The motorist, trying to avoid a scene, stuttered, ‘I’m…. so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I am in a hurry to send my mom to hospital.’ That did not soften Sammy’s anger. Instead, he spat right into his face. Sammy straightened up, adjusted his collar and stormed off. This is not the first time he had displayed such uncouth behavior. Whenever I was in his car and other motorists turned to look at me, he would be riled. The flow of foul language and vulgar signs from him were enough to make even macho men look sheepish afterwards and regret their mistake of ever looking my way. I sat cowering in fear whenever such a situation happened. I was beginning to have serious doubts about Sammy’s character but was too scared to mention it to June and dad. They would never believe me. To them, Sammy was an extremely desirable match for me: wealthy, flamboyant and generous. Sammy and I dated often. As dad approved of him, he was allowed to enter my room each time he visited me. Subsequently, having me safe in his clutches, he could afford not to visit me for days. Anxious, I went over to the Landlord’s house next door to use his telephone to call Sammy. A woman answered that he was not in and asked who was calling. The voice was courteous, but I was not in the frame of mind to tell her more and I abruptly cut off the line. Initially, I was angry but my anger soon turned to desperation as I found myself feeling nauseous in the mornings. I was hoping that it was due to

indigestion; but when it did not go away for days, I grew worried. Every day I would sit in the hall, looking out at the front door and asking Sammy in my mind when he would be coming to see me. Finally, two weeks later, Sammy came one night while I was in bed. In my half-asleep state, I sensed him walking into the room and locking the door softly after him. I did not call out to him; neither did he make a sound. I turned to my side away from him. But he got into bed and lay down beside me, and pressed his body against mine. I felt he was naked and I wanted to sit up but he had his arms around me so tightly that I was forced back onto the bed. Before I knew it, he had stripped me and pinned me to the bed. Sadly, I felt no pleasure or love. My mind wandered to James. The warmth and love that I had experienced when I was with James was missing. My 7th brother one day remarked that he seldom saw Sammy around, but that he had seen him and our 6th brother with bargirls at a night club some days past. I was angry and asked him to bring me to the night-club that night. Seventh brother asked whether I really wanted to go, adding that it was very far from the Causeway to the nightclub at Tanjong Katong. We went by bus to Singapore, arrived at the nightclub and sat at a corner, waiting. Then, Sammy walked in with my 6th brother and two bargirls. When he spotted us, he quickly made an exit, followed by the other three. Later, he returned with my brother, but without the girls, and sat with us. He asked whether we had dinner, but I pretended I did not hear him. Feeling guilty, he asked me for a dance. We danced, but my heart was heavy, and I remained silent the whole night through. At home in the room, I shouted at Sammy and cried, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I phoned you but you were not in! You disappeared and never bothered to come

and see me! Instead, you were flirting with bargirls. You know I am carrying your baby - and I am going through hell!’ He tried to calm me down by hugging me and said that he would arrange for me to go for an abortion. Holding him responsible as the father of my baby, I cried, ‘No! You’d better marry me!’ I suffered in silence alone, as nobody else in the family knew of my pregnancy, and he was still fooling around outside. Although I had lost all trust in him, I really felt that it was too late for me to leave him, he being the father of my baby. I therefore had to continue my life with him, waiting each day for him to come, hoping that he would bring good news, like planning our wedding and informing his family, etc., but he continued with his irresponsible ways, while I cried every day, sitting in the hall and waiting for him. One morning, I asked my 6th brother if he had seen Sammy, and he told me of Sammy’s frequent visits to Ms. Penny, the singer. Giving me her phone number, he told me to call her and I would find Sammy at her place. So, they had already developed a relationship, but I was too naive to notice it. I went to my neighbour’s house and phoned Sammy. As feared, a woman answered the phone and passed it to Sammy. I scolded him, ‘What are you doing in her house? You go from bargirls to singers? Why are you doing this to me?’ I went home to my room, fell on my bed and broke down. When evening came, I got up from my bed and walked down to the end of the road leading to the seaside and sat on a rock. As I thought of my troubles, my sobbing became more intense and I was inconsolable. I gazed at the sky and cried out to God, ‘Sammy does not want our baby. He does not love me and does not want to marry me. He suggested that I should go for an abortion. God, what shall I do?

Help me, God!’ I looked at the sea. The water was calm and I felt the gentle breeze blowing. Then, I saw a couple walking along the beach and they seemed to be so much in love. I thought to myself, ‘Sammy and I should be like them, but we are not.’ Then the words of my late Aunt came to my mind: ‘Never forget your prayers every night. I will always pray for you.’ The next morning, I felt nauseous, rushed to the bathroom and vomited. Nancy, my 6th sister-in-law, knocked on the bathroom door to ask whether I was all right. When I came out, she saw me to my room. Being desperate and in a dilemma, I cried and confided in her that I was three months pregnant, that Sammy was not ready for marriage, and that he did not want the baby. Nancy then told her husband, who in turn informed dad. Dad roared, ‘Tell Sammy to marry her! If he refuses, I’ll go and see his father.’ MY WEDDING That afternoon, Sammy came in his brother-in-law’s car. When he entered the house he greeted dad, who was blunt with him and questioned him directly, ‘Now that you have made Retta pregnant, what are you going to do?’ Sammy replied that he would marry me, but confessed that he was jobless and had no money. He had let out such a bombshell that I felt as if the whole world had collapsed on me, and I could not stop crying. I had no matrimonial home, no wedding dress, and no money to celebrate. Sammy, near 21, moved into dad’s house when I, at 17, was in my fifth month of pregnancy. We went to the Registry of Marriages to register. Only his friend, Mr. Kenny Chan, and my 2nd and 7th brother, who were witnesses, were present.

My wedding was a simple affair - a far cry from the lavish ceremony that June had conjured up when Sammy threw a birthday party for my 17th birthday, inviting over thirty people to my parents’ home in Johore Bahru. He had food catered from a hotel and had topped it with a gigantic birthday cake. My entire family was awed at the lifestyle of high society. June, who was seated beside me, had then said, ‘You’re lucky to meet Sammy. I can imagine your wedding to be a grand affair and you’ll be getting many ‘ang pows’. I can also visualize you looking beautiful in a red cheongsam.’ When I returned home from the Registry, Nancy congratulated me, but I cried, saying it was not really a wedding, unlike June’s, when she had a wedding gown and a party, whereas I had nothing. Apart from dad and mom, Kenny Chan and my two brother-witnesses, only 6th brother with wife Nancy and my 5th, 8th and 9th brother were present. I could not afford to invite my three other brothers and their spouses living in Singapore. For our meal that night, I had to ask Sammy to pawn the gold chain I was wearing, so that mom could get a chicken to cook chicken curry. They also had some beer. Four months later, I delivered my first baby at the age of seventeen. The nurse carried the baby and showed him to me, saying ‘It’s an eight-and-a-half-pound baby boy. Congratulations!’ I felt happy when I saw my baby but, at the same time, I was sad that Sammy had no job. How are we to manage raising our son? Sammy walked into the ward, and smilingly said, ‘I saw the baby, very cute! Don’t worry about the delivery expenses. My uncle will help to pay, and he also has given me some money.’ We were inexperienced in managing a baby, especially as a colicky one was an extreme strain. The baby was in a sarong cradle and was crying. Sammy tried to rock

him to sleep but failed. He grew impatient and bounced the cradle frighteningly high, saying ‘I give up! I do not know why he is crying! He’s already had his feed.’ I carried my baby out and cradled him in my arms, and that calmed him down and he soon fell asleep. One day, while I was carrying my baby and seated in the kitchen, a car stopped at the front door. I saw Peter alight. He had come from Kuala Lumpur to pay me a visit as he had promised me in the past. I panicked and rushed with my baby into my room. Peter spoke to dad and my 5th brother. He must have wondered why I did not come out to meet him but he did not enquire about it. After a while, he left. Some weeks later, Sammy’s eldest sister, in her 40’s, visited me for the first time. She had brought powdered milk and baby napkins and gave me some money. Pleased to carry the baby and in the mood to talk about Sammy, he having gone to Singapore, she disclosed the reason why he was kicked out of their dad’s company, ‘He had never worked a single day, was always boozing, womanizing at bars, betting on horses, and was perpetually in debt. His creditors were always after him. He, as the eldest son, had miserably let down his dad who was of course furious with him.’ She turned to me searchingly. My heart was dead. I guessed she would have sensed it, even without my speaking. My dad started to resent Sammy. This was to be expected. I had tried to keep out of his way but, as the house was so small, there was no way of avoiding him: I would be washing the baby’s milk bottles, while dad, at his seat in the kitchen, would taunt me, ‘This is not a hotel; it’s too crowded; you’d better go and live somewhere else.’ His words cut me deep. I kept quiet but, in the privacy of my room, my tears flowed.

When Sammy returned and saw me crying, I told him about dad’s remarks. He said he had consulted his eldest sister who had advised that we leave for Brunei, so as to avoid his creditors. She would buy our air tickets and arrange for us to stay in their uncle’s house in Seria, Brunei, and hopefully this uncle could find Sammy a job. In the meanwhile, Sammy suggested that we go to my 3rd brother, Robert, who was close to me, for temporary shelter in his house in Ulu Pandan. When I said that it was a kampong house with only one room and a kitchen, Sammy replied that it was better than no place to stay. My brother, his wife Emily and their four-year-old son slept on a double bed, while we slept on a mat on the mud floor next to their bed, with our baby in the baby cot. Adjusting to rustic living was extremely difficult. Water came from a well, and baths were taken in the open, so women had to cover themselves, with their bodies wrapped in sarongs. When Sammy and I went for our baths, Emily would help look after our baby. The worst fear was to use the bucket-system toilet, which was a wooden outhouse shared by the whole community, mostly Malays. Once a week, a ‘toti-man’ (nightsoil remover) would go round to remove the full buckets and replace them with empty ones. On Sammy’s first experience of such a toilet, he rushed out, saying that he felt like vomiting, that he dared not squat down to ease himself because of the stench, the buzzing flies and the maggots crawling in the waste. I whispered to him not to talk so loud, feeling embarrassed that people might hear him. When I told Emily of the problem, she laughed, saying that he being a rich man’s son would not be used to kampong life, and offered a solution: that he could pass motion on a wad of newspapers lain on a corner of the kitchen. After that, he could dispose of his waste in the jungle just behind the house. So, while Sammy was doing his business, Emily and I went to the bedroom. When he had done so, I accompanied