When You Can't Sleep at Night

ALPHABET SOUP

PATHS We've moved on Our paths tremendously diverged Learning what life is like alone again Without the 2 am whispers of our Dreams and hopes and fears The only time I see you now Is after I close my eyes.

Your presence lingers like an apparition In a state of limbo-- neither dream nor nightmare Close enough to feel Yet not close enough to touch My heart aches to wish you well But I'l settle on the hope that somehow These thoughts reach you, That you remember me fondly And that one day, our paths may cross again.

LETTING GO I THOUGHT THAT LOVING YOU WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU STAY. I LET YOU GO BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO FORCE YOU TO LOVE ME THAT WAY.

WHITE WALLS White walls covered in images that press in on me in the night Complimenting the ringing in my ears I lie awake and stare at the ceiling Willing it to disappear and reveal dancing constellations I've learned to live with the monsters under my bed They skip through my dreams like old friends Shaking hands with iron grips-A deal to last forever.

I wonder if I will ever feel safe from my own mind The darkness opens me up and I Am vulnerable to the things that go bump in the night But they laugh as my head spins, Crashing into everything in its wake.

TIME

There is so much time to make things right

Even when it feels like it is running out

EXTEND THE CARE AND KINDNESS THAT YOU RESERVE FOR OTHERS TO YOURSELF

YOU DESERVE LOVE IN ALL SENSES, BUT ESPECIALLY FROM THE SOURCE.

Self discovery is elusive and lacks a concrete end

GODSPEED-- A Meditation at 2:26 AM I love Godspeed by Frank Ocean. More than I love any of his other songs --which is quite a lot-- any maybe even more than any other song in general. The very first strike of the piano note will immediately pull at my heartstrings, and maybe even cause a tear or two to spring to my eye.

Every time that I hear it feels like the very first time. I want it tattooed on my body in its entirety-- but I'l settle for a lyric or two.

I don't know exactly when this deep love started. The song was there for years-- "Blonde" came out in 2016. One day, though, something changed. I needed the lyrics more than ever. Somehow, in two minutes and 58 seconds, Frank managed to summarize everything that I'd ever felt about love. I felt heard, and understood. His lost love and mine felt one and the same. Heartbreak isn't an experience that's only mine, that's obvious, but it still made me feel so much less alone. I have always had trouble letting go, and felt reassured that it's okay to hang on to little things. It's okay to hold that place in your heart for someone or something that changed your life. You can, somehow, move on and hang on all at once.

My favorite line has always been: "there will be mountains you won't move." This simple acceptance was something I'd never understood before. It is a generous kindness to yourself-- a sense of forgiveness for the past and future.

A re-humanization for when we forger that we are deserving of kindness, especially from ourselves. There will be mountains that I won't move, but there will be some that I do, too. This song is a letter to a lover and a letter to a mirror all at once.

MISSING PUZZLE PIECES It's easy to get so caught up in denial that I forget what's real. I'm not sure I ever knew. I push away feelings until they wither away like dying flowers. I don't know what it is that makes me so afraid to draw conclusions, but it leaves me in a state of perpetual ambiguity. I wish so badly for certainty-- an end to the crashing waves of fluisity that wash over my weary and cyclical thoughts. I resign myself to think about it later, again and again, desparate to make it all diseappear.

As though wishing for something badly enough is enough to make it real. I have to hope that magic is real because I have to believe that someone is listening, and that one day the puzzle pieces will fit together how they were meant to all along.

CO-STAR WISDOM

IT CAN BE HARD TO FIND THINGS TO BELIEVE IN WHEN TIMES ARE THIS UNCERTAIN. I CLING TO THE THINGS THAT PROVIDE HOPE IN SMALL DOSES, NO MATTER HOW NONSENSICAL

NOURISHMENT I think that it is easy to forget about the feeling of the sun. It is cold here, but not too cold-- cold enough for a day or two of cloudy thoughts and foggy eyes. The sun is never really gone, but she rests to gather the strength to nourish our sunken bodies.

Her rays dig deep in a way that's never violent, but rather a tender caress of the heart and soul. I am not yet healed, but a small part of me returns each time I feel the fruits of her labor-- smell lavender and rosemary in the air, feel the cool breeze and blink against the golden light.

SUNRISE I am better now. Even on my very worst days, I'd say that I am doing alright. I have started to learn to heal. Though I have miles to go, I am miles away from where I once was.

There were often times, before, when I couldn't imagine a better life. I cried most birthdays, because I couldn't fathom how I'd made it this far. I think of those who saw me at my worst, who held me on dark days and carried my twisted tales as they spilled out of me, and I am grateful. I wish that they could see me at my best, too.

It was slow, but the fog that so heavily engulfed me began to lift. I could now see the sunrise that previously only existed in my memory. The waves rock gently at my feet, and the cool sand tells me that everything will be alright. On days where the sunrise fades and the fog rolls in, I can count down the moments until I feel that warm glow again.

INVISIBLE ROAD If I were another, I would have never been afraid.

So much of this life was spent in fear Fear of change, fear of love, of myself My body and mind so plagued by itself That sometimes it felt like I would collapse Memories and what-ifs alike weighing down any chance I had of swimming to the surface I became so accustomed to fear that I almost welcomed it The consistency a dark, old friend Holding me back with its needy clutches.

For a time, fear was all I knew.

The lighted path came slowly, one step at a time A road I had never yet seen If I were another I'd have known that it was always there But for now, I will not turn back

The light is always there, even when I forget to turn it on.

Set a match to the memories that no longer serve you / Clear a path straight through what brought you pain

Emerge, anew, with wings on your back and bright eyes to guide you home.

I am thankful for this body

and all it has done to get me here.

impatiently burning at both ends

wondering what I'l find when I reach the center

it's okay to cry when you need to.

When you can't sleep at night, Flood Your memories with brighter days Let them wash over you until your eyelids grow heavy.

Carry your joy into your dreams Dance through fields of pink and gold And rest in their temporary sweetness When you can't sleep at night, Look toward the future with rosy lenses For you have survived so many bad days And will make it through so many more.