Shannan's Diary

Shannan’s Journey

Royal college of Art Visual Communication Shannan Hu 233394@network.rca.ac.uk

Contents

Performance: Shannan’s Funeral Why Funeral?

The ieda comes from...

Where I study from...

Methodology Reflection Daily practice Performance <Feed me> Where I am now Dialectic Weaving Drawing & Performance workshop Study experience

Invitation

Celebration of life and death Shannan’s Funeral 1991-2022 May 07 2022 10:00 Brampton Cemetery London SW10 9UG

01

02

I am a practitioner of death Killing my past self Reborning a new one The past is never worth mentioning!

If I have to mention My life has different stages In each stage I feel it is like happened to someone rather than me I congratulate myself!

Just look at me now I’m very well, thank you!

This is me!

Also…

You could only know me in the present moment Because in the next moment I might kill myself And becoming someone else

03

RIP Shannan 5 years old Funeral Eulogy *** I am Xiaoqin, Shannan’s mother I am so sad to see you gone You were only 5 years old You were so sweet and pure I want to hug you more, kiss you more, call your name I haven’t learned to be a good mother yet There you gone I belong to myself again

*** I am Zejun, Shannan’s father 10 sec silence

05

*** I am Yanmei, Shannan’s aunt When you were almost three years old I once talked with your parents and some relatives in the living room You were eating a bag of biscuits and walking in We were surprised Where did you get the biscuits?

You said you went to the shop and got them on credit We were laughing our heads off!

In the 90s, to be able to take things out on credit A three years girl Such an innovation!

You were a princess The jewel in the crown Your mum and dad love you so much We love you so much May you take your precious memories In another world, happy forever

06

07

RIP Shannan 10 years old Funeral Eulogy *** I am Xiaoqin, Shannan’s mother Your father’s new wife Is she pretty? Or am I pretty?

*** I am Yuying, Shannan’s cousin You have a shallow understanding of the world In your dictionary Justice is justice Darkness is darkness Straightforward Then you suddenly arrive in an environment Familiar yet strange You don’t know what to do The constant tug between two people!

I wish you could be wrapped by kindness!

You’ve learnt to disguise yourself Make yourself seem less vulnerable 09

I’m so sorry I blame you!

My mom, your aunt She loves you so much, I doubt even more than she loves me You haven’t given her anything in return You are too fragile But...

Is it your way to give my mom back?

*** I am shufen, Shannan’s grandmother I can’t say anything, I don’t know how to say I can’t imagine how you died when you were so young I wouldn’t think What am I saying?

What does an illiterate people like me know?

You’re naughty You are afraid of nothing I remember when you were five years old Once, you took a tricycle back to your mother’s house You didn’t have any money But you told the driver Could you wait until you got there and ask your mother for money The driver agreed And you did This is something that a child of your age do not dare to do What does a ten-year-old child know?

What does an illiterate people like me know?

10

*** I am 18-year-old Shannan Perhaps this is the best moment Your death You’re still ignorant You and your father spend six year together On the day he married a woman You died You didn’t go to their wedding But your stepmother’s child went and she didn’t know what it is happen You didn’t like her Anyway If you go on living You will develop many bad behaviours You will be full of lies You will steal pens from the stationery shop You will dropped out of school Your temper will get worse and worse By the way You’ll live in the dormitory You don’t have much to do with anyone else Who cares?

11

You only have yourself All you have to lose Is yourself

RIP Shannan 25 years old Funeral Eulogy *** I am Shannan’s pain You nourish me deeply Strong me You hate the world Hate brought me alive Real, joyful Pain is deep Is deeper Late night You are under the covers Are you crying?

Cry then You are in the bathroom Naked Face the mirror Are you crying?

Cry then Vacancy Disabled pray Pain after pain Are you crying?

Cry then 13

I am eternal

*** I am Ningjing, shannan’s friend You complain me Have no taste Always say yes to others I know you’re not malicious You are careless, heartless Speaking without brain You are maverick Kindness in the nuances of life If you still living Life will be wonderful There’s an image in my mind Many years later, you and your father, in a beautiful town Happy life together Warm image I have such hope If it doesn’t come true I would be sorry

14

*** I am Zhaoyu, Shannan’s grandmother How to say I’m an incompetent grandma See you go through a lot of pain What a pity When you were just over three Your parents are separated I don’t agree with them being separated I told your dad to take responsibility But young people have their own way of living I can’t handle it What a lovely person your mum is We all love her Sadly, she’s sick sick and died When i got the news of her passing I’m so sad I owe you so much

15

You got a stepmother I am also a stepmother to six children As a stepmother Other people’s children should be treated the same as my own.

She doesn’t think so She is also in charge of your family Your father is weak and bears silently

But he still loves you so much Patience brings blessings When you come back Don’t hate your stepmother Hating people is not right Hating is murdering

*** I am Juanjuan, Shannan’s cousin We are all the same Born, grow up, go to school, get married, have children That’s the way we all are, right?

It’s just the same You are same You’ve never changed in 25 years I’m a miserable person, you’re even more You had to do a lot of heavy works every time When you went back your mother’s house Laundry, cooking, cutting firewood and buying household items.

She rewarded you with money for doing so Like a underage labourer Your mother didn’t love you so much She was very selfish You told me that your stepmother had a laundry shop You had to helped to wash the trousers by hand I felt so bad when I heard you experience these 16

You’ve never cried, at least I haven’t seen before Are you strong?

It seems like just yesterday We were under the covers together Talking in whispers

17

18

RIP Shannan 28 years old Funeral Eulogy *** I am Shannan’s desire Feed me please I am very hungry Nourish me with all that you have Your time, your life, your dreams I am your purpose I am your faith I am your willingness I am the meaning of your life Give me more pleasure Fill my emptiness Sincerely worship me Never stop Own me, be me You will get so much more Some people to be envied Some people wants to be you And they can’t be I am a treasure 19

*** I am Doudou, Shannan’s friend Once we were having dinner with a friend and my husband You put your phone on the table to take a selfie I asked you if you were pretending to have a boyfriend?

Then you got angry I was surprised I didn’t think I could still get fight with someone As the age of 26 Very well!

We made up in less than two hours I went to your house at night We slept together Since then I’ve become more empathetic I remember a day we were to meet I opened my wardrobe Considering what I should wear that you would like?

I’ve never been so cautious even when I date my boyfriend You loved to making me dress in your style A friend even mistook me for you!

You suggested me to get a diploma to get a better job I don’t need a piece of paper to prove who I am But you do I hope you’ll be more optimistic in the other side Without too many ties attached I wish you to be happy

20

*** I am Zejun, shannan’s father Most of my life is passive Rarely active In our day As long as there was a job We had to keep that job To make a living To be better I feel you Your life is pretty rough Especially after your stepmother and I got married You were almost on your own If I hadn’t married her You could studied better You could got into a better college Your heart would not be So humble

21

RIP Shannan 30 years old Funeral Eulogy *** I am Yihang, Shannan’s friend I miss Shannan. She left, in her thirtieth I never think it is a bad thing that she left right now She had a good life Not everyone leaves at the good moments The first time I met her, 2 years ago, at a salad place I could feel she was a person That love to control others emothionaly, cynical, standing in her own world There was something sharp in her eyes, staring at me “I think I am going to have a really terrible time with her around.”

I thought, chewing my salad

In her last two years, the cold ice melted, the sharpness in her eyes softened She hangs out with us, a big, warm family We started to call her “Shannan mama”, as she took care of each one of us 23

I know she had a dark past

Her family was divided, she thought the world was unfair to her She started to cheat, steal, to throw her anger back to the world She taught me a lot To accept my dark past, to face the darkness of myself To trust people, to have the braveness into someone’s eyes She helped me turn into a better person She witnessed it. I just found my true love, for life She left with this good news It is like a relay you know Her transformation inspired me, and many others We live, bring the memory with us, till our finality.

Thank you, Shannan

*** Good morning everyone, I am Li, Shannan’s roommate Good morning Shannan, I am no one but your friend You once told me that life is for the upgrading of the soul To become a purer version of yourself Now I want to ask, how did it turn out Have you turned white or transparent?

But more importantly is How’s the weather over there?

I know you can’t answer me now I also know that your main concern right now Is not about rain or sun shine Because when a person dies If they will have regrets I believe it should be the fear of being forgotten 24

I don’t think such regret will happened to you Because we will always remember you I’ll regret it Because We haven’t spent enough time together Apart from regretting it Your death has given me courage I don’t have the courage to face everything You used to courage me with your words But now you’ve proved it with your actions I often think back to the moment when we decided to live together On the taxi in Beijing I turned to you And asked if you wanted to live with me It made such a big influence in each other’s lives I’m so grateful for that moment But I would love to go back to that moment now To revise some of my questions I would still ask you if you wanted to live with me And then I would say how much I love you And more importantly is The sun is shining, What a lovely day

*** I am Shannan from the future Thank you for coming my past life funeral I really appreciate it The past is past The future is yet to coming

25

What you have now Is this moment In here

We are here together Take a deep breath In this moment We contact ourselves We contact each other So true We are true

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

Shannan Hu Host Yichun Huang plays Xiaoqin Shannan’s mother Jiabao Guo plays Zejun Shannan’s father

36

Menglu Wang plays Yanmei Shannan’s aunt Yunling Wu plays Yuying Shannan’s cousin Qiaoran Li plays Shufen Shannan’s grandmother

37

Niamh Thompson plays 18-year-old Shannan Yuqiang plays Shannan’s pain Seabomna choe plays Ningjing Shannan’s friend

38

Yulu Chen plays Zhaoyu Shannan’s grandmother Silin Liu plays Juanjuan Shannan’s cousin Jiaqi Meng plays Doudou Shannan’s friend

39

Yuheng Zhang plays Shannan’s desire Yuqiang Yuan plays himself Li Wang plays herself

40

41

Ningyue Photography support Squirrel Audience

42

43

Yihang Yuan Jiabao Guo Yuheng Zhang Installation support

44

45

Thank you all for coming! and the photos shooter Xinyu Hao he has no photos in the book

46

47

Shannan’s Journey Royal college of Art Visual Communication Shannan Hu 233394@network.rca.ac.uk

48