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WEEK OF FEBRUARY 11, 2010
SEX SCENES
7
CREEPY LOVE SONGS
16
THE WAY WE WERE (IN BED)
25
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VOL8 NO6
FEBRUARY 11, 2010
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IN THIS ISSUE SO I’M LOOKING FOR A DILDO ...
THE
SEX ORANGE & BLUE EVERYTHING! • • • • • • • •
ILLINI FLAGS FACE PAINT WIGS POMPS BEADS HAIR SPRAY BALLOONS PARTY GOODS
WE HELP YOU WITH YOUR
Now Accepting I-Cards
DOIN’ IT WELL
25
ART
A
ILLINI SPIRIT!
MOVIES & TV
Reviews of The Wolfman and Valentine’s Day up on Saturday. The Wolfman stars Benicio Del Toro as the titular character, on the run from the cops for being too much of a wolf. Valentine’s Day is the ensemble romantic comedy about love and what not.
FOOD & DRINK
Valentine’s Day isn’t the only holiday coming up. Check out what to feast on for Chinese New Year and recipes for Mardi Gras online this weekend!
COMMUNITY
."35*/* '-*()54 t 6-53"ʰ13&.*6. $0$,5"*-4 t &$-&$5*$ 8*/& -*45
buzz
Your guide to romatic evenings around town
EDITOR’S NOTE
Hours: Mon-Thurs 10-6 Fri 10-7 Sat 10-6 217.351.5974 • 101 E. University Ave, Champaign, IL 61820
2
EATING OUT ON VALENTINES DAY 14
ON THE217.COM
Want more sex? Check out even more sexy music videos, celebrity wouldbe couples, and full interviews with CU’s sinful local bands.
1902 S. First St. | 217.819.5005 | houlihans.com Located in the iHotel
12
A short history of lingerie
ISSUE
MUSIC
good times poured nightly
WHAT TO WEAR (IN BED)
Orgies made easy and the joys of group sex
Fashion Week is fast approaching, and buzz is here to tell you what goes on behind the scenes of the New York show today.
He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me. You won’t want to pull off the pedals from these sweet floral arrangements. Check out how local florists are celebrating the day of love with unique and beautiful flowers for that leading lady in your life.
4
buzz chats up Dawn Harris, manager of Illini Arcade
SEXY CALENDAR
20
Your guide to this week’s dirtiest events
hh sex. How do I love thee? Let me pontificate on your sweet embrace. Let me ruminate on your loving touch. Let me contemplate your welcoming sighs, your “oohs” and “aahs,” your cries in the night. Now let me dwell upon your eccentricities for a while. The real point of sex, from a scientific standpoint, is to make babies. Babies, though it might be hard to believe in the first few years of their lives, will one day likely grow up to be productive members of society. Or at least make more babies. And that’s really the point of life — to be born, live, and make babies. Everything else we humans have the audacity to do — be it art, reading, or watching television — is really just a way to kill time before death and fill the hours between making babies. Also, being accomplished at the activities we humans use to kill time, be it football or macrame, will likely lead to greater net baby production. There are exceptions of course — but the driven artist does not paint his masterpieces for adoration, but simply because of a deep-seated need. If you look at any community of producers, the arts included, a lot of the work is being done so that one person can get into another person’s pants. And so, the ballet of life continues. Now let’s examine sex, shall we? It’s a pretty ridiculous and sticky process, if you think about it. One piece goes into another piece (in some situations), both pieces owners get sweaty, there is a lot of movement, hopefully some vocalization of pleasure, and then the unavoidable collapse into a smelly, worn-out heap. Probably a billion people engage in the act of “coitus” each night. They go to bed smelly, sticky, and sometimes unfulfilled. But they go through the same act the next night. Why? Because it feels good, and it is the closest bond possible between partners — for some this is even more important that the pleasure produced by the act. For ten minutes (or forty-nine, whatever the case may be), humans’ higher brain functions shut off, and they become wanton gasping beasts. Or at least that’s how it should be. If not, you should consider having a “talk.” Welcome to the buzz’s first annual Sex Issue. We hope you enjoy yourself. » Mark Grabowski, MANAGING EDITOR
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HEADS
UP!
STUDENT GROUP PLANS TO BAKE VALENTINES by Laurie Shinbaum
TALK TO BUZZ
BUZZ STAFF
Illinois Promise, an organization dealing with financial aid for Illinois students, is sponsoring the “Treats for Your Sweet” event at 4 p.m. in the ARC Instructional Kitchen this Saturday, Feb. 13. The program is for all Illinois Promise students to have a fun, social time while baking tasty treats for themselves or their valentines. “We are teaching them how to make some really delicious things,” said Meghan Hosken, the Illinois Promise administrative assistant. “Right now, we are going to be doing cookies for sure,” she said. The head chef and instructor for the event is Illinois Promise Director Susan Gershenfeld’s husband. According to Hosken, he is the program’s “man” for cooking events. “We just did a ‘Cooking From Scratch’ event with him,” Hosken said. “He did a lot of desserts and breads, like banana bread and short bread.” Illinois Promise pairs with the Office of Student Financial Aid to ensure that students have a successful college career once they get on campus. “It’s a scholarship program,” Hosken said. “We like to offer help and assistance.” The program started in the fall of 2005 with an estimated 125 students and now has about 600 students ranging from freshmen to seniors. Events like “Treats for Your Sweet” and its predecessor, “Cooking From Scratch,” are designed to not only offer a social outlet, but to also help build a community and financially assist these students in their journeys through college. For more information, or to RSVP for the event, contact Meghan Hosken at hosken1@illinois.edu. COVER DESIGN Kate Lamy EDITOR IN CHIEF Tommy Trafton MANAGING EDITOR & COPY CHIEF Mark Grabowski ART DIRECTOR Claire Keating PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Wallo Villacorta IMAGE EDITOR Bekah Nelson PHOTOGRAPHERS James Kyung, Paul Habeeb, Annette Miller DESIGNERS Nicole Hammonds, Kamil Kecki, Huang Li MUSIC EDITOR Emily Carlson FOOD EDITOR Maggie Carrigan MOVIES EDITOR Matt Carey ARTS EDITOR Abby Wilson COMMUNITY EDITOR Em-J Staples CU CALENDAR Bonnie Stiernberg COPY EDITORS Danielle Perlin, Michell Eloy, Emily Siner SALES MANAGER Sarah Gleason MARKETING/DISTRIBUTION Brandi Willis PUBLISHER Mary Cory ON THE WEB www.the217.com EMAIL buzz@readbuzz.com WRITE 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 CALL 217.337.3801
We reserve the right to edit submissions. buzz will not publish a letter without the verbal consent of the writer prior to publication date. buzz Magazine is a student-run publication of Illini Media Company and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the University of Illinois administration, faculty or students. © ILLINI MEDIA COMPANY 2010.
LIKES
&
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
GRIPES
CLAIRE KEATING ART DIRECTOR
LIKES
» Smoochie dreams: I’ve probably smooched you in my unconscious subconscious. And you liked it. » Being the middle spoon: I’m not squished against the wall, I’m not worried about falling off the bed. I’m perfectly coccooned. Why don’t I sleep like this every day? You should try it! » Mom and Dad: My parents met here at U of I and are celebrating their thirtieth wedding anniversary later this year. They still hold hands when I’m not looking. Trust me, it’s real cute. » Losing my virginity to “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye: I can’t remember if it was a planned thing or I was just moved by the music so much I just had to take that step from dry humping to . . . real humping? Either way, that song will always remind me of probably the most emotional and physically confusing thing a person can do. Thanks, Marv! MARK GRABOWSKI MANAGING EDITOR
GRIPES
» Calling the wrong number during a late-night booty call: Your grandma seemed kinda into what I was saying though. She kept calling me “Percival” and telling that she wanted me to remove her support hosing. » Never being able to use those two-headed condoms I bought: When one head is awake, one is always asleep! Coordination brothers, say it with me. And one of them is single ladies! » Being on top: Supporting your own body weight and then moving in a coordinated fashion? That’s a lot of work. I now understand why ladies love missionary. » Just wanting to be friends: Why would I want to be friends with a skank like you? » Making out with your hand to figure out how to kiss: You have to insert your thumb from the other hand so it comes out the “mouth” in order to make is seem like it’s slipping you the tongue. Take it from me kids, it totally doesn’t feel real.
ILLINI UNION COURTYARD CAFÉ THURSDAY
Jazz in the Courtyard Noon, Free
Student Band Showcase
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
Date Auction
Valentine’s Sweetheart Dance
8pm, Free
9pm Students: $5 single, $7 couple Public: $7 single, $10 couple
Win a date with a member of SHPE and Dance 2XS
9pm, Free
A romantic night of dancing at the Courtyard Café with your sweetheart
www.union.illinois.edu/funspots/courtyard
Accommodation for hearing impaired patrons is available by calling 244-8938 at least 7 days in advance of the event.
STILL H U R T I N G
A F T E R T R Y IN G A L L O F T H E S E ?
· spine institutes · physical therapy · drugs · massage therapy · medical doctor
DON’T GIVE UP! TRY SNELL CHIROPRACTIC
FREE EXAM & X-RAY (NEW PATIENTS ONLY) (IF NEEDED)
217-352-9899
24 Hour Answering Service Covered by Student Insurance
SNELL CHIROPRACTIC CLINIC 1802 Woodfield Dr., 2 blocks north of Savoy 16
Dr. Joseph Snell
snellchiropractic.com
TOMMY TRAFTON EDITOR-IN CHIEF
GRIPES
» Lip smacks: Maybe it’s just me, but whenever a sex scene makes its way into a film, I can’t stand the sound of lips on lips. It reminds me of wet amphibians. Noisy kisses suck. » Hearted “i’s”: Some girls have girly handwriting. And a fraction of those girls heart their “i’s” instead of dotting them. That’s really dumb and is a negligent waste of energy, time and precision. But it’s so cute! » Suburban EXpress: Whoa! If you take the first letter of “Suburban” and the first two letters of “EXpress” and put them together, it spells “sex” which is a pretty fun activity that most people in the world can agree on. Maybe if they subtly (read tastelessly) sneak the word in their logo design, they can get more people on their buses. Well I’ll have you know that Suburban EXpress is the worst sex you’ll ever have.
SUN., APRIL 18 7:30 PM
SPECIAL STUDENT
$8 ILLINOIS STUDENT DISCOUNT!
ILLINOIS STUDENT PRESALE TOMORROW, FRI., FEB. 12 @ 10 AM AT TICKET CENTRAL IN THE ILLINI UNION. CASH ONLY!
SALE!
PUBLIC SALE: SAT., FEB. 13 AT 10 AM U OF I ASSEMBLY HALL • CHAMPAIGN, ILLINOIS Tickets available at the Assembly Hall Box Office, Illini Union, all Ticketmaster outlets including ticketmaster.com or charge by phone at 217/333-5000. For more information visit www.uofiassemblyhall.com. www.daughtryofficial.com
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ONE on ONE
with Dawn Harris Manager, Illini Arcade
by Danielle Perlin With Valentine’s Day approaching on Sunday, both singles and couples in the ChampaignUrbana area may want to spice up their love lives. The Illini Arcade, located at 33 E. Springfield Ave. in Champaign, has a bounty of playful options for CU residents this Valentine’s Day. This week, buzz sat down with Dawn Harris, manager of Illini Arcade, to talk about sex toys and finding the right gift for your valentine — or maybe just the right gift for you. » buzz: Why is the store open 24 hours? Dawn Harris: Because you never know when you’re going to need something. We get students who come in the middle of the night because of study breaks. We get people who get off in the middle of the night ... and pick something up on the way home, pretty much the reason why anything goes 24 hours these days. » buzz: What are some of your most popular items? DH: I have a vibrator called Passion Wave. It’s a little bit expensive, but it’s so worth it. ... It’s unlike anything we’ve seen so far in vibrators. No one has come up with competition for it yet. ... It’s about $90, but I will say if you go to your home parties and things like that, something comparable is probably $150. It’s very popular. On the other end of the extreme is the pocketrocket. It’s a little stimulator, generally used externally. It goes for about $25. » buzz: What’s your favorite item? DH: The Athena done by Dr. Berman. She actually has her own show on Showtime. Dr. Berman designed all these toys with women in mind and actually made them hypoallergenic. I think this has a better motor on it. It comes with
Head over to the Illini Arcade to spice up your Valentines Day. Photos by James Kyung
different attachments and a bag to sort, and it’s $10. So the Athena I’ve been selling a lot of lately. I am a huge proponent of it. If I can get you what you’re looking for better and cheaper, I’ll do it. » buzz: How does business change with Valentine’s Day coming up? DH: Valentine’s Day is our Christmas. It is the biggest holiday of the year for us. It ramps up about two weeks before. It will continue through the week after because some people can’t get out that weekend. You get lots of people who are coming in last minute as well, so Valentine’s Day [itself] can get pretty busy for us. ... It’s that one holiday that you’ve got one person you’re worrying about instead of the whole
family for Christmas. People tend to be a bit more adventurous. » buzz: What’s the kinkiest item you sell? DH: That would have to be the extreme compliance kit. This is definitely in the BDSM [bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/ sadism and masochism] type of sub-dominant area of things. Basically it is a ball gag that you have attachments for. » buzz: What’s the sexiest item? DH: That’s a matter of perception. We sell very sexy lingerie. There are also some very sexy movies. One is called Fashionistas. There’s one scene that doesn’t even have sex in it, and I honestly think it’s the sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen. It’s got Belladonna dancing.
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THE CAPTAIN’S ASSISTANT
Where to be Seen Ever had sex in public? It’s a question that can titillate, or turn-off, depending on the person or persons, time or place (funerals — no, whispered across a barstool — yes). But for those of you who like to engage in a little coitus outside the confines of your bedroom, here are the best places in CU to tempt the sexual fates. 1. Basement bathroom of Esquire: This has to be one of the sketchiest spots in town, but if you want some privacy mixed with the possibility of discovery, this might be the place. Also, a transition to one of you role-playing “cheap whore” of either sex would fit in well with the surroundings. 2. Curtis road silos: Covered with graffiti, isolated and alone, finding yourself surrounded by these abandoned silos has the possibility of getting one all hot and bothered. Or finally ready to start a doomsday cult. Either one sounds good. 3. Stacks in the Main Library: It may be a bit spooky down there, but it’s pretty private. And nothing makes a night of studying for your Asian Warfare class complete like the sweet sounds of two strangers fucking. 4. Bathroom at Carmon’s: Voted Best Bathroom in CU by a reputable alt-weekly, this stellar stall gives you Eiffel Tower art, class and style. And nothing feels better than putting your ass up on Carmon’s French porcelain sink. 5. In the arms of the Alma Mater: Perfectly located as a stopping spot after a hot night on Green street, nothing says school spirit more than some hot fun on the big copper chair. 6. Courtyard of the Undergrad Library: Surrounded by floors of windows, this spot may not be that private, but if you want to show off your bad-ass moves, there is no better spot in town. And who is really going to stop you while you are in the act? No one.
Looking for something to do on the weekend?
CheCk out
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Calendar
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
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If you don’t like nuts, don’t eat them!
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
Define Valentine, Then Give Something Fine Give the perfect gift for your relationship status by Lauren Hise
The Valentine’s Day experience is different for everyone. For some, it’s the day they’ve been waiting for all year. For new couples, it can be an awkward reminder of why you like each other. For everyone in between, the holiday’s high expectations can be stressful. The gift-giving rules change depending on what stage of the relationship in which you find yourself. Fortunately, buzz is here to provide advice in three basic, Facebook-style relationship stages: starting out, getting serious and long-term lovin’. Here are some helpful guidelines to keep the day a celebration and not a headache inducer. PUPPY LOVE
Whether you’ve been dating for one week or just a few months, you’re still discovering the unknown and playing some extended version of 20 questions. Is he a Republican or a Democrat? Does she love cats or dogs? Both of you are still unraveling the mystery behind that initial attraction while still trying to solve the million dollar question: “Are we compatible?” Because you are still getting to know each other, steer clear of any huge love declarations. Do something that will help you get to know one another better. Find an activity you both enjoy. If you are exchanging gifts, keep it small but personal. Take this as a chance to prove that you were paying attention when you were playing 20 questions. GOING STEADY
It’s official, and you’ve reached the stage of seriousness. As a couple, you’ve found yourselves not just casually dating anymore but in a savvy relationship. For senior Dave Studer, he’s grown to really appreciate the holiday’s meaning. “I used to hate Valentine’s Day, but over the years I’ve realized that it’s a good excuse to just spend time with that significant person in your life,” he said. Studer and girlfriend Julia Radomyski look back on the many Valentine’s Days they’ve shared a fun activity together. “Freshman year was a disaster, but despite everything, it all just worked out,” he said. With all the pressures of being in a serious relationship, Studer has realized that it’s the little things that count. “That night it wasn’t about the big production; it was everything else. We watched a different movie but still loved it. I was with her, and that’s what mattered,” he said.
Being serious means you know each other well enough to let those true feelings shine through and think creatively. “Anyone can go to Fannie May and make a truffle tray,” junior Caitlin Narantic said. Her boyfriend will be traveling from the Chicago suburbs just for the holiday. “A card with sweet words, having dinner and just spending time together makes the other person realize that they are someone you value.” However you choose to celebrate, the most important and simplest thing to remember is to honor the stage you’re at with your partner and just have fun. THE LONG HAUL
It’s been a few years, and you’re in a long term relationship. The scenario’s different for everyone. Some live together, other couples are engaged and others have reached the light at the end of the tunnel — marriage. The various stages of long-term dating result in gift-giving variation. The one thing long-term couples have in common is that Valentine’s Day is not a new holiday. Mary Baird, who’s been married to her husband Micah for three years, sees the holiday as just another special day with her hubby.
BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER, STEER CLEAR OF ANY HUGE LOVE DECLARATIONS. DO SOMETHING THAT WILL HELP YOU GET TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER BETTER. FIND AN ACTIVITY YOU BOTH ENJOY. “When you’re married, it’s more about what you say or do on Valentine’s day. We’d rather say meaningful things instead of buying elaborate gifts for each other,” she said. The Bairds celebrated
Illustration by Matt Harlan
their anniversary just a month ago, so they’re planning a unique celebration this year. “My husband and I thought about celebrating Valentine’s Day in July. We want to celebrate our love for one another during a different time of the year when it’s warm out and we can do free things outside with each other,” she said. Being married takes pressure off of gift-giving ideas, but for others, the holiday throws a new challenge. “It definitely makes it harder to think of good gift ideas after having five Valentine’s Days together,” junior Alex Kuhl said. Kuhl lives with his high school sweetheart Melissa Steiner. “I think I had to put a little more effort and thought
into it, since I wanted my gift to be creative and special,” he said. Steiner pointed out that the effort pays off. “Anything that has a lot of thought put into it and really considers the other person is a good gift,” she said. Regardless of how many Valentine’s Days you’ve spent together, each year is a new opportunity, especially if last year’s didn’t go smoothly. It’s important to remind your mate that there is a reason you have been together for this long. “The most important part of Valentine’s Day isn’t the cards or flowers or gifts,” said junior Abby Kroc. “It’s letting the person you care about know just how much they are loved.”
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FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
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Year of the Tiger
Chinese New Year is celebrated throughout CU
by Alexandra Morgan
BRIEFBOX
It’s midnight on Feb. 14. It’s the official start of the Chinese New Year, the first day of the year on the Chinese lunar calendar. 2010 is the Year of the Tiger, the third animal in the Chinese Zodiac. It’s an animal that signals a year full of hard-work, courage and vigorousness. Across CU, thousands will celebrate this important Chinese holiday. “Saturday is our New Year’s Eve,” explained Dr. Ian Wang, president of the Chinese American Association of Central Illinois (CAACI). “It’s the beginning of the celebration of Chinese New Year. It’s one of the most important dates of the celebration.” Unlike the New Year’s celebrations that occur on Jan. 1, the Chinese New Year’s festivities last two weeks. Wang added that New Year’s Eve is a very family-oriented holiday in the Chinese culture. “It’s like a family reunion,” he said. “Everyone in the family comes back to be reunited.”
SWEET & SOUR CELEBRAAASIAN 1210 WEST NEVADA ST. ,U.
WHEN:THURSDAY, FEB. 11 AT 8 P.M. WHERE: ASIAN AMERICAN CULTURAL CENTER TICKETS: $4
Traditionally, celebrating the New Year involves entertainment, firecrackers and a variety of food. “It’s a lot of food, and after the dinner, the whole family talks about the past year, then welcomes the New Year and talks about future plans,” he said. The CAACI is hosting its own celebration. There will be a Chinese New Year banquet and performance at the Illini Union. The celebration, which takes place on Saturday, Feb. 13 from 5:30 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. is a reservation-only event. It sold out almost immediately, revealing the burgeoning Chinese population in CU. “More and more people are interested in the Chinese culture and Chinese commerce,” said Wang. “This celebration is getting more and more popular.” Wang said that several other Asian cultures celebrate the Lunar New Year. “It’s the same date and the same tradition,” he said. “The Lunar New Year is celebrated not just in China, but it is also
most often celebrated in East Asian countries.” In America, Chinese New Year celebrations include people from other Asian cultures, too. “They may not hold their own celebrations ... they come to join us and to celebrate together,” said Wang. For those who couldn’t grab a seat for the banquet event at the Illini Union, there are other celebrations happening across town. At the University YMCA on Wright St., the DailyUndergrad Illini Student - Buzz Chinese Association (CUSA) and the Asian American Association (AAA) are hosting
1/8 Horizontal (5” x 2.625”)
their annual Chinese New Year celebration. The event, which takes place on Feb. 13 from 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m., will include free Chinese food as well as performances from various campus groups. Another celebration hosted by the AAA is the Sweet & Sour CelebrAAAsian. The event takes place a few days before the New Year and includes some Valentine’s Day celebrations as well. Held at the Asian American Cultural Center on Nevada St., the celebration will feature Chinese food as well as festive Valentine’s day-type fare. The event takes place on Feb. 11 at 8:30 p.m., and admission is $4.
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make your reservations now • 116 n. chestnut • 217.356.5862 • www.luna-cu.com
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On Monday I will use butter as a lubricant.
A Princess of porn
3Favorites
by Nick Martin
Sex scenes
I’d wager most people have indulged in pornography either out of curiosity (women), or with unrelenting frequency (nerds). Unfortunately, the actors and actresses in porn rarely get enough credit. Filming a porn movie isn’t fun — you have to wake up early for a long day of constant sex with a stranger while a director shouts at you, and cameras are shoved into your face. A porn star might get paid well (not the case for an amateur, however), but think of all the unexpected costs! Most notably, the fact that strangers have seen your boobies. So, here at buzz we find saluting these unsung heroes is the right thing to do! They make nudie movies so you can watch them at three in the morning praying to God your roommate doesn’t wake up. Thanks pornography! Misty Mundae
Sometimes when it gets really late and Cinemax turns to Skinemax, soft-core porn parodies start airing that have more campy jokes than sex. Misty Mundae has starred in a lot of these stu — I mean awesome!—porn flicks including Lord of the G Strings, Spiderbabe, Planet of the Playmates, Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, The Spy Who Shagged Me, and perhaps the worst porn parody title ever, An Erotic Werewolf in London. Ms. Mundae’s real name is Erin DeWright and she was born in Illinois. Misty is very pale and kind of malnourished looking — but in a sexy way! She’s currently appearing in a Cinemax series called Lingerie, which
movie review
PG-13
I assume has something to do with women in their underwear. Annabel Chong
The woman responsible for setting the first “World’s Biggest Gangbang” record, Ms. Chong bedded 251 sex acts with 70 men (a sex act constitutes five minutes of vaginal penetration). This verges more toward disgusting or soul-crushingly depressing, instead of erotic, but apparently Ms. Chong’s movie is one of the best selling in porn history. According to an interview Ms. Chong says she was influenced by “ .. .a Roman empress Messelina, who apparently invited the entire town of Rome to have sex with her.” Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club, Choke) wrote a fictional book based on her “activities” called Snuff; there is a documentary about Ms. Chong called Sex: The Annabel Chong Story. That much sex sounds like it would be no fun for anyone involved. Linda Lovelace
The infamous star of Deep Throat, her real name is Linda Susan Boreman. Ms. Lovelace had an uncanny knack for performing felatio; somebody noticed and made a movie about it. She also had an uncanny knack for being exploited by anyone she’d ever met including her abusive husband, the producers of Deep Throat, conservative, rightwing politicians, and even the anti-pornography feminist movement. Ms. Lovelace’s life was one
dear john
filled with sadness, tragedy and regret. After writing books claiming she was both for and against pornography, she claimed in front of the Supreme Court that she was forced to perform in Deep Throat at gunpoint. In 2002, she died from sustaining injuries from a car crash. She was only 53. There’s nothing sexier than a woman whose life was so depressing it makes you want to cry! Jenna Jameson
Perhaps the only person in hardcore pornography to run for governor (I say perhaps because who knows how many secret politician sex tapes exist), Jenna has written a New York Times best selling book, acted in Hollywood movies, provided voice acting for video games, started her own reality TV show, and made the aforementioned gubernatorial campaign in the cluster-fuck that was the 2003 Californian governor election. Jenna’s done pretty well for herself! Sometimes when I’m bored I like to imagine what would have happened if Ms. Jameson won the California governorship. Would California be in less debt? Would Jenna have enacted groundbreaking legislation yet to be rivaled by any other elected official? No, definitely not. Bridget the Midget
It’s obvious why Bridget is so great. Any list like this one would be terribly inadequate without her inclusion. She’s a true performer, and she deserves to be recognized.
by Stephanie Ruiz
★✩✩✩✩
When we go to see a romantic drama, a good romantic drama, we expect to fall in love with the story, the emotions it stirs within us, the characters we can’t help but root for, etc. What we don’t expect is to be disinterested, bored and, to put it harshly, not even care. But unfortunately with Dear John, the newest Nicholas Sparks adaptation (The Notebook, A Walk to Remember), that’s what ends up happening. John Tyree (Channing Tatum) is a Special Forces Sergeant in the U.S. Army when he meets Savannah Curtis (Amanda Seyfried), a college student building a house for an underprivileged family, in the spring of 2001. The two fall in love almost instantly and spend two weeks together before they are forced to go their separate ways, but not before they’ve promised to tell each other everything and to write each other a series of letters for the 12 months until they can be reunited. Their hopes of beginning a new life together after John’s service crumbles, however, after the 9/11 attacks, when John decides to re-enlist. Before they know it, the two are forced to struggle to maintain their relationship — something that
becomes exceedingly difficult after only two weeks of being together. Like almost all Sparks’s novels-turned-movies, Dear John follows a very specific checklist: passionate yet tragic romance, themes of love rising from loss, the frustration of bad timing and buckets of sap. This one’s got it all. And yes, we’ve seen it all before. Sometimes it works for a good love story; just not this one. The slow pacing of the film and the lack of an event-driven plot makes the story dull and two-dimensional. You would think that a film that is only 105 minutes would have to be fast paced to translate a 300 page book to the screen, but instead Dear John is a snail of a film. And while director Lasse Hallstrom throws in a number of decent shots, overall his direction isn’t very compelling. What’s even worse, however, is that the chemistry, as desperately as we want it to exist between Tatum and Seyfried, is simply nowhere to be found. We end up having a hard time believing them as a couple. Early on in the film, John describes his time in the military as “long stretches of boring.” Well, I guess we could easily say the same thing about this movie.
by Nick Martin Crank: High Voltage (2009):
We’ve all been in this situation: you get your heart stolen by Chinese mobsters and replaced with a battery-powered, artificial heart — now you have to make sure to keep electricity pumping through you, or you die before the climatic final action sequence. It happens to pretty much everybody. But how do you shock your heart back to life without any electricity? You have sex with your girlfriend on a horse-race track to conduct static electricity, that’s how! Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) and Eve (Amy Smart) bump the nasty while a crowd of thousands cheer in delight. When “Heard It In A Love Song” by Marshall Tucker Band begins to play, you know it’s true romance. Even the horses love it, as seen by their engorged excitement. A Clockwork Orange (1971):
This is what true love is: you go out record shopping and find two young girls eating phallic popsicles. You impress them with expert knowledge of Ludwig Van Beethoven, and then bring them back to your room. Turn on a weird synthesizer version of “William Tell Overture” and commence coitus! Kubrick knows how to make sex erotic and sensual by speeding it up and scoring it to futuristic sounding classical music! No woman could resist a man, even a violent sociopath, if she could have sex in super-fast motion. Malcolm McDowell’s sexual prowess would later be exhibited in the smash hit, family friendly film, Caligula. Also, notice the gigantic poster of Beethoven staring angrily in the background — that master German composer is not amused. American Psycho (2000):
Photo used with permission from Screen Gems
Gentlemen, take notes! Patrick Batemen (Christian Bale) knows there’s only one sure-fire way for you to fulfill your threesome fantasies. First, hire some prostitutes. Next, turn on Phil Collins (the official soundtrack to group sex all over America), and lecture about the artistic merits of Genesis. Make sure you’re videotaping so you can always remember your special night! And, most important of all, set up mirrors all around your bedroom so while you have sex you can watch how awesome you are. Don’t pay attention to the girls; instead, flex your biceps and stare into the reflection of your dead, soulless eyes. Mirrors, muscles, and Ménage-a-trios! buzz
Food
&
Drink
When Food and Sex Collide
Having fun with food in the bedroom
by Maggie Carrigan
Sushi Take this tip from Samantha of Sex and the City: make sure your lover is coming home on time before you decorate your body with sushi. Raw fish that has been sitting out for too long is just unappealing. However, when everything goes according to plan, this is a delightful and sexy way to dine and well worth the effort.
Peanut butter Unless you are alone with Benji for the night, peanut butter doesn’t cut it in the boudoir. Yes, it’s delicious, and yes, it doesn’t get sticky. However, the viscosity of peanut butter is just not an option when rolling around in the sheets. It’s hard to spread and would take for ever to lick off. Plus, it doesn’t really have a sexy smell.
Honey Honey is considered an aphrodisiac, which makes it a shoe-in for delicious foreplay. It also drizzles easily and tastes great. The downside is that honey is ridiculously sticky! Your bodies would
be glued together for the whole production — which is maybe what you want.
fingers and other appendages. Thorough licking and/or bathing is required.
Fruits and veggies: cucumbers, grapefruit
Edible panties
Just because these foods are shaped like something else doesn’t mean that they should go where the other thing goes. Likewise, just because something is soft and juicy when warmed doesn’t mean it’s a viable venue. This being said, people frequently get frisky with fruits and vegetables, whether out of curiosity or deprivation. If you are going to engage in vegetal play, please make sure the produce is sufficiently washed.
Chocolate sauce Another classic. Who doesn’t love a banana split with chocolate sauce? Or any other kind of sundae, really. Hershey’s works like gem every time, because it is perfectly pourable and satisfyingly sweet. Combine with whipped cream for even more fun. Beware of the mess though — chocolate sauce does tend to stick all over one’s
These aren’t technically food, but you do eat them. It might be kind of fun and kinky, but get ready to brace yourself for a nasty taste. They may have enticing flavors like watermelon and strawberry, but they are really artificial tasting. Liken their flavor as something akin to a fruitscented hair gel.
Apple pie I don’t know how many people actually used apple pie to get off before the advent of the movie American Pie, but I’m betting a lot more people have tried it since. This is a waste of a good pie, people. The stickiness of the pie filling will inevitably outweigh the pleasure derived from it. Additionally, this pastry is hard to maneuver. You are likely to be struggling with bits of crust and apple chunks running down your leg mid-act. Stick to Jergens, and eat the pie later.
Hot sauce Hot sauce might seem like a good idea in theory, especially to those who put it on everything they consume. The tingle of the capsaicin from the peppers may be alluring when trickled on benign parts of the body, but it will inevitably get into more sensitive areas by virtue of tongue transmission. Just don’t do this — unless you’re into pain.
Whipped cream Ah, the old favorite. Every one that has seen or heard of Varsity Blues knows that whipped cream just works in the bedroom. If you don’t already know from firsthand experience, whipped cream is perfect for use on your partner because of its delicious taste, lightness and minimal stickiness.
Hot pastrami on rye If it’s good enough for George Costanza, it’s good enough for the rest of us. Although this sandwich may not be easily incorporated into a dual-party experience, it can suffice for sex on its own. All you need is some spicy mustard.
Sexy Savories The truth behind aphrodisiac foods by Amy Harwath Sex and food are possibly the two most pleasurable things in the world. Foods that make you want to have sex are even better. Aphrodisiacs are foods that are supposedly help stimulate sexual drive and fertility. The name originates from Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. Nearly all cultures have foods, drinks and herbs that are believed to have the power to increase or aid sexual pleasure. Some foods are considered aphrodisiacs because of their physical resemblance to male and female genitalia. Some believe that the shape of a food, like a banana, causes the mind to create a psychological association to the corresponding sexual organ. For example, the Aztecs gave avocados the name “ahuacatl,” meaning “testicle,” because of their shape and because they grow in pairs. Similarly, figs were symbolic of female fertility because of their physical likeness to a uterus. In addition to the physical appearance of aphrodisiac foods, their nutritional content is also supposed to make more of your mojo. The nutrients and chemicals contained in aphrodisiacs do in fact effect brain chemistry and hormones. Pure chocolate, for example, contains caffeine, phenethylamine (both of which are stimulants) and tryptophan, the chemical found in turkey Illustration by Matt Harlan
buzz
which is said to make you sleepy. Tryptophan triggers serotonin, a feel-good chemical in the brain that promotes relaxation, while the stimulants get you hyped up for physical exertion. Oysters have a high zinc content, which aids in the production of sperm and testosterone. Asparagus, once thought to be an aphrodisiac only because of its phallic shape, has been found to have high levels of Vitamin E, which helps to stimulate sex hormones in the body. However, scientists insist that the amounts of these chemicals and nutrients in aphrodisiacs are not high enough for them to have a significant effect on sexual performance. Any intensification of sexy sentiments is most likely just a placebo effect. If you believe that seductively sucking on a strawberry will help lift your spirits, it probably will — just because you believe it will. But don’t let the facts kill your turn on. Eating aphrodisiac food really can help your sex life. Notice that there are no fatty or greasy foods that are considered to be aphrodisiacs. This is because unhealthy foods are harder to metabolize. It takes more energy to break them down, which means you have less energy for other — more “interesting” — things. As it turns out, keeping fit not only helps you keep in sex-able shape, but it also helps you sex.
the217.com
How bought a bit of the ‘ole How’s Your Father?
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
The 18Th AnnuAl AcAdemy AwArds ConTesT here’s hoW To enTer: look for a ballot: in the Daily Illini next week
First Place: 52 Admit Two Passes to Savoy 16
Pick up a ballot at these locations: Illini Media, 512 E. Green St. savoy 16 Theaters, 232 W. Burwash, Savoy
second Place: 52 Admit One Passes to Savoy 16
Vote online: www.dailyillini.com/oscars
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Get out. Sound off. Champaign-Urbana.
The Daily Illini
GUESS RIGHT AND YOU COULD WIn:
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Third Place: 26 Admit One Passes to Savoy 16
Only one entry per person. Illini Media employees are not eligible. Must be 18 to win. All prizes won through a random drawing of ballots containing the most correct answers. Prizes non-transferable. The Daily Illlini reserves the right to print winners names. Other restrictions may apply. Deadline for entries is 5pm CST, Sunday March 7.
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February 11 - 17, 2010
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This week Kr annert Center for the Performing arts
South Pacific Bali H’ai beckons with seductive scenery and sumptuous melodies in this shining Rodgers and Hammerstein story of hope. Dashing Emile De Becque and strongwilled Nellie Forbush trade tunes as they weather prejudice, cultural mores, and fear in this ever-fresh dream of a musical. Th-Sa, Feb 25-27 at 7:30pm Su, Feb 28 at 3pm Tryon Festival Theatre
Th Feb 11
5pm
Krannert Uncorked // Marquee
7:30pm
Frederica von Stade, mezzo soprano, and Jake Heggie, piano // Marquee
7:30pm
Killer Joe // Depar tment of Theatre Fr Feb 12
10am
Dance for Parkinson’s Disease // Marquee
Noon
Design, Gesture, and Representation: New Landscapes and New Plays for the American Theatre // Lorado Taft Lecture Series
7:30pm
Jonathan Keeble, flute // School of Music
7:30pm
Killer Joe // Depar tment of Theatre Sa Feb 13
7:30pm
Jim Pugh, trombone // School of Music
7:30pm
Killer Joe // Depar tment of Theatre
9:30pm
UC Hip Hop Su Feb 14
8pm
$8-$24
Bela Fleck/The Africa Project // The Canopy Club
Tu Feb 16
4pm
Master Class with Kathy Kelly // School of Music
7:30pm
UI New Music Ensemble // School of Music We Feb 17
7:30pm
21st Century Piano Commission Award Concert
7:30pm
Killer Joe // Depar tment of Theatre
// School of Music
Th Feb 18
5pm
Krannert Uncorked with Innovators Improv // Marquee
7:30pm
Killer Joe // Depar tment of Theatre
Thank you To The following sponsors:
Frederica von Stade, mezzo soprano, and Jake heggie, piano In remembrance of Lois and Louis Kent, Endowed Sponsorship Dixie and Evan Dickens Helen and Daniel Richards Anonymous
CALL 333.6280
s
1. 8 0 0 . K C P A T I X
Corporate Power Train Team Engine
Marquee performances are supported in part by the Illinois Arts Council—a state agency that recognizes Krannert Center in its Partners in Excellence Program.
10
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40 North and Krannert Center—working together to put Champaign County’s culture on the map.
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for your iPhone and iPod Touch Download it FREE in the App Store today.
ARTS
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Top 10 Nude Artwork buzz shows you the best of the flesh from history and now by Neha Mehra World War II Pin-Up Girls Busting nuts to these all-American babes is the reason our soldiers came back from World War II victorious. God bless America. Carmike’s Stimulus Tuesdays $1 Popcorn & $1 Drink ADVANCE TICKETS NOW AVAILABLE FOR ALICE IN WONDERLAND 3D & 2D
“The Birth of Venus” (1482) - Sandro Botticelli Christian themes were dominant in Renaissance art, but Botticelli didn’t give a shit about that. While everyone else was painting the Virgin Mary, Botticelli was highlighting the grooves and shadows of Venus’s nude body in the famous painting, “The Birth of Venus.” The painting was hidden for nearly 50 years because of the controversy it would have stirred. “The Kiss” (1886) — Auguste Rodin This sculpture exudes sexual tension. These forbidden lovers are about to have a really steamy make-out session, but we’ll never see it happen, because sculptures don’t move. What a tease. “Asobiba (Playground)” (2007) — Audrey Kawasaki The lush, adolescent women that weave in and out of Kawasaki’s paintings all play on female sexual desire. Asobiba and many of her other paintings have been criticized for being too much like child pornography. However, her work is hardly pornographic, because it does not show sexual activity or sex organs. All sexual interpretations of her paintings are left to the viewers’ minds.
– SHOWTIMES FOR FEB 12-18 –
Birth of Venus by Sandro Botticelli 1482
Diadoumenos’s Penis Diadoumenos’s penis is the most widely-recognized penis in the world. You’ve seen it in your fifth-grade history books. You’ve seen it at the art museum. You’ve probably seen it in a couple of brochures. And, you’re looking at it right now. Ancient Greek men loved Diadoumenos’s penis. Short, skinny and slightly round, Diadoumenos’ penis was considered the most beautiful genitalia of its time.
VALENTINE’S DAY PG13 (2:25) DLP 11:00 – 11:30 - 1:00 – 2:00 – 2:30 – 4:00 – 5:00 – 5:30 – 7:00 – 8:00 – 8:30 – 10:00 (11:00 – 11:30 Fri & Sat) PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS PG (2:19) DLP 11:00 – 12:00 - 1:45 – 3:00 – 4:30 – 5:45 – 7:15 – 8:30 – 10:00 (11:30 Fri & Sat) WOLFMAN R (2:02) DLP 11:00 - 1:00 – 1:40 – 3:45 – 4:15 – 6:10 – 7:00 – 8:35 – 9:30 (11:00 – 12:00 Fri & Sat) CELINE DION: THROUGH THE EYES OF THE WORLD (2:17) DLP 7:30 WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY ONLY SPECIAL EVENT PRICING OF $16.00 PER TICKET APPLY DEAR JOHN PG13 (2:05) DLP 11:00 – 11:30 - 1:35 – 2:00 – 4:10 – 5:00 – 7:00 – 8:00 – 9:30 (11:00 – 12:00 Fri & Sat) FROM PARIS WITH LOVE R (1:52) DLP 1:30 – 4:05 – 7:05 – 9:25 (11:45 Fri & Sat) EDGE OF DARKNESS R (2:08) DLP 11:00 - 1:30 - 4:00 – 7:00 – 9:35 (12:00 Fri & Sat) WHEN IN ROME PG13 (1:51) DLP 11:00 - 1:20 – 4:10 – 7:10 LEGION R (2:01) DLP 10:00 NOT SHOWING WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY THE TOOTH FAIRY PG (2:02) DLP 11:00 - 1:30 – 4:00 – 7:20 – 9:50 NO 7:20 OR 9:50 WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY THE LOVELY BONES PG13 (2:35) DLP 9:30 THE BOOK OF ELI R (2:18) DLP 11:00 - 1:45 – 4:30 – 7:15 NO 7:15 WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS THE SQUEAKUEL G (1:48) DLP 11:00 - 1:30 - 7:20 AVATAR 3D PG13 (3:01) DLP 3D SURCHARGE WILL APPLY/NO DISCOUNT TICKETS ACCEPTED 11:00 - 11:30 - 1:30 – 2:30 – 3:00 - 4:45 – 5:55 – 7:00 - 8:00 – 9:30 (10:30 - 11:30 Fri & Sat) THE BLIND SIDE PG13 (2:29) DLP 4:15 – 9:45 SUPER WHY: ATTACK OF THE ERASER G (1:20) DLP 11:00 Sat & Sun SPECIAL PRICING OF $3.00 FOR CHILDREN AGES 3-11 AND $5.00 FOR ALL OTHERS.
The Kama Sutra Written by ancient Indian scholar MallanÐga VÐtsyÐyana, the Kama Sutra is a whopping 1,250-verse text dedicated entirely to the art of getting freaky. The text features more than 50 different sexual positions, relationship advice and the philosophy of love. Since its birth in the second century, India has become one of the most densely populated countries in the world. Surprised?
Karma Sutra - artist unknown
“My Dream” (2008) — Yeon Lee Korean photographer Yeon Lee displayed a photograph of herself in a nun’s outfit with a breast cut-out to make a statement about her childhood in a religiously oppressive household, where her own desires were stomped on for the sake of her family’s desires and faith. Intermingling sexuality with religious oppression has upset religious activists in Korea and England. However, the press and controversy surrounding her work has made her one of the most successful Asian artists of the 21st century.
“Sitzender weiblicher Akt” (1914) — Egon Schiele Schiele is one of the most famous perverts in history. He introduced stigmatized sexual fetishes and fantasies such as bondage into popular media through his portraits of adolescent girls wearing leather boots in raunchy positions. The woman in this piece ran away from home and became the model for Schiele’s most recognized painting, which eventually got him arrested for perversion.
“Copulation” (1984) — Alex Grey Grey’s art shows highly sexual — almost pornographic — images of bigbreasted women and well-hung men making love. Instead of showing skin and hair, Grey focuses on the lovers’ guts and bones. In an interview with Juxtapoz Magazine, Grey said that this piece is a reference to having sex on acid. “Red Flag” (1971) — Judy Chicago Judy Chicago’s explicit depiction of female menstruation is part of her exhibit, “When Women Rule the World.” What first looks like a bloody penis is actually a bloody tampon being pulled out of a woman’s vagina, which seems to suggest that women will irresponsibly throw their tampons everywhere when they rule the world. Chicago claims her intent was to make a statement about the stigma surrounding an everyday, common practice: pulling a tampon out. Feminism fail.
Copulating by Alex Grey 1984
buzz
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February 11 - 17, 2010
the217.com
The History of Lingerie
buzz’s lingerie personality profile guide
buzz reveals all its secrets by Emily Cleary
L
ingerie may well be one of the sexiest things that exists today, as it provides tantalizing times for men and a seducing confidence for women. This iconic fashion material — or lack thereof — has evolved over the years with the changing social movements that inspired it.
Illustration by Maureen Walrath 12
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You may think you know all that’s necessary about lingerie (men, the one-handed undoing of a bra clasp a time or two doesn’t count), but to truly appreciate it’s worth — both practical and playful purposes — you should follow the events that brought it
from restrictive garments to a symbolically feminine statement. Many historical references relating to the origins of lingerie begin with the Medieval Era, which was a time of sexual repression and denial. With that attitude came the introduction of corsets that almost entirely flattened the chest and created a boyish frame. A transition into the Renaissance Era brought an appreciation of the curvaceous, womanly form, and lingerie followed suit by going to dangerous measures to achieve a voluptuous and sexual look. According to suite101.com, despite risks that were responsible for miscarriages and malformations, the corset made of whalebone in the late 16th century “became the centerpiece of intimate apparel, which was going to reign for more than three centuries.” Decorative and embellished lingerie more like what we see today came about during a revolution in the 19th century. Emphasizing femininity, not only were they adorned with lace and ribbons, corsets became more suitable to comfort with the introduction of the “elastic model” in the early 1800s. These new innovations with front closures, which eliminated the need for assistance, began to be worn with stockings that would attach to the corset by garters. Also introduced in this time period was colorful and silk lingerie that “added a hint of sensuality to feminine underwear.” During the World War I years, lingerie temporarily lost its decorative appeal, as support and functionality were at the forefront due to the presence of increasing amounts of women in the workplace. Undergarment fabrics became much more breathable, elastic and light. The 1913 introduction of the brassiere by Mary Phelps Jacob was a revolutionary replacement of the corset by a “softer, shorter” supportive undergarment. This more refined look continued into the roaring ’20s when the androgynous style gained popularity. Women yearned for a more boyish physique, and the look was successfully achieved with “light-weight chemises, bloomers and bodices,” according to lovetoknow. com. For the first time, however, undergarments such as panties and bras were sold in a range of colors. But lingerie looked to history’s cyclic nature in the 30s as curves were once again “in” and cleavage — big cleavage — was “a key factor in defining feminine beauty.” This new lingerie reintroduced femininity; it included the push-up bra in the 1940s and the girdle intended to further define curves. Since then, lingerie’s evolution has been destined to encourage the female form and the power that follows suit. Today, the lingerie industry is in itself an art, with designs and flamboyancy to the likes of everyone — even men. What began as a repressive corset to hide the female form is now an appreciated — even practical — celebration of a woman’s body and sexuality for all whom she deems worthy to enjoy.
Just like any other item we choose to buy, lingerie is reflective of your personality. Women choose what best suits their interests, and men prefer what best triggers their, um, desire. So, with Valentine’s Day only three days away, here’s a guide to choosing the best celebratory undergarments for the love-filled holiday. Perfectionist Paying close attention to detail, the perfectionist is most comfortable in the matching lingerie set with perfectly coiffed lace ornamentation and girly prints. Diva Like being the center of attention and wearing things that demand the gazes of observers? The bras and panties that best accomplish your not-so-subtle goal are ones in bright tones and bedazzled with glitter, sparkles, sequins and blaringly loud patterns. Flamboyant pieces means all eyes on you. Lioness The confident girl is proud of who she is and everything about herself, so why cover it up? Look for a sheer lingerie set, something that’s a far cry from timid. Prepare to shock and awe while showing your selfpride in a see-through and amazingly sexy ensemble. Rarr! Plain Jane By thinking everything through, you realize that lingerie may not be the most sensible thing to splurge on. Comfy and modestly adorable cotton underwear and T-shirt bras are your staple items. Don’t be afraid to adventure into fun patterns to spice things up. Wild Child With a liberated mind and bold statements, there’s no specific type of lingerie that best fits the free thinker. You’re open to try new things, and this means being experimental with your underwear choices. Tease with satin robe or be girly with antique flower patterned undies and bra. If you’re still unsure of where to begin in picking a V-Day surprise — whether is be for your guy’s happiness or your own — http://www.knickersblog.com has a quiz that puts you in a lingerie category. Have fun with discovering the sexiest way to express yourself on the sexiest day of the year.
the217.com february 11 - 17, 2010
Best sex I ever had was with a chimanzee, half chimp, half human.
The Language of Love
Sweet talk your honey with these creative strategies
by Alyssa Schoeneman
New management
C-U’s best concessions and lowest prices
Week of February 12-18
Snoopy Valentine’s cards and candy hearts are so fourth grade. If you are ready to kick your Valentine’s Day up a notch, give some thought to these alternative gifts. 1. A private pole dance
Pole dancing classes are all the rage nowadays, as they offer both physical and mental health benefits. Susan DeBouver, owner and founder of Pilates Plus studio of Schaumburg, said that her studio offers two types of pole dancing classes: one that focuses on the exotic side of the form and another that is more athletic and trick-focused. DeBouver has seen many clients take what they
have learned in weekly group classes and perform a private pole routine for their significant other. “When a woman feels sexy and strong and confident, this directly affects the romantic side of her, and she’s more open to sharing this with her husband or boyfriend,” DeBouver said. “They’ve given these unique gifts for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries — any special occasion where they wish to give a gift that keeps giving. What a special moment and memory for the couple!” Don’t think you could ever find the bravado to take a class? DeBouver had some encouraging words. “Typically the shyest woman coming in is the one who really starts to hoot and holler later on in class when she finally opens up,” DeBouver said. “She is typically the one that has the most fun!” 2. A love letter
Photo illustration by Bekah Nelson and Brad Thorp
With movies like Dear John and Letters to Juliet nearing their release in theatres, love letters are coming back in style. Dear John follows a young couple’s romance over seven years while John, played by Channing Tatum, is deployed overseas. Letters to Juliet also stars Amanda Seyfried, this time as an American girl on vacation in Italy who
finds an unanswered “letter to Juliet” and goes on a quest to find the lovers it references. Not the creative type? The Internet has you covered. Sites like Romanceforeveryone.com and lovingyou.com provide samples and tutorials of love letters to get your romantic wheels turning. 3. A love poem or song
If a long-winded letter just is not your style, try penning some poetry. “Poetry offers ways of seeing, ways of feeling beyond the reach of ordinary discursive prose,” writes Maxine Greene in her book Variations on a Blue Guitar. The impact of a short, heartfelt poem will last longer than that of a Hallmark card, and it will save you $3.99. Poems can easily turn into song lyrics for those with a musical knack. UIUC alumnus Angeline Holmes said that she once wrote a rap song entitled, “Valentine’s Day.” Though the song was actually about a break-up, it helped Holmes to channel her feelings and allowed her to amuse some friends along the way. “One of my friends heard me sing it at a karaoke bar and nearly died laughing,” Holmes said.
‘Daybreakers’ (R) Fri & Sat: 11:00 PM
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Sex talk in four easy steps
Turn into a verbal porn star
SAVOY 16 217-355-3456
by Mark Grabowski Sex talk is the phrase we have given to the sometimes arousing, sometimes humorous, and most of the time downright lewd manner in which most couples engaged in the sexual act communicate. Now you may say, “I am new to this whole sex mumbo-jumbo. How can I get started expressing myself to my partner in a downright nasty way?” Well, there is hope for you yet, my friend. I was once just like you, only talking when I thought something was wrong, strictly controlling my emotional outbursts. But no more. No, I am not a hard-core verbal porn star; but I am at least at the Skinamax soft-core frontier. And that, in my opinion, is enough. So let me be your guide down the slippery slope so many have traveled before, from white bread to almond rye. Let me take you into the vocal bedroom. LESSON 1: Humor is only sometimes your ally
Maybe you used humor to get your lame ass a date in the first place. Maybe you wooed your soon-to-be conquest with a good one-two punch of observant humor and suggestive blathering. Maybe you made your partner laugh so hard that he or she fell into the bed, and you quickly used this momentary lapse of reason to your advantage. Whatever the case may be, you have used humor to get where you are right now, either on top of, below, behind, or to the side of your partner. Things are moving along nicely; everything fits correctly, friction is building up, and sounds of pleasure are increasing from both of you.
S. Neil St. (Rt. 45) at Curtis Rd.
Now is not the time to bust out the one about the priest and the rabbi on the life raft. Humor might be one of the great aphrodisiacs, but it will not serve you well when things start really going. LESSON 2: Read your partner.
If this is your or your partner’s first time, don’t attempt to bust out the sex talk. One of you is way too new to the game, and too concerned with what’s going on during the act, to talk about “dick.” They will most likely be extremely worried about doing it right and will be looking for supportive phrases, such as, “that makes me feel so good,” or “that’s perfect,” to make them feel good. In fact, for the first six months of having sex as a newbie, or with a newbie, you should probably not attempt to verbalize your passion. Unfortunate results like the following are bound to occur: [Person 1]: I wanna . . . [pant] [Person 2]: Yeah? [Person 1]: I wanna . . [pant] [Person 2]: Yeah? [Person 1]: I wanna . . . penis . . . you . . . big cock. And that, my friends, is not how sex talk goes. LESSON 3: Find the words.
So it’s been six months, you feel everything has been going right for a while, and now you want to break out the dope lines. What should you say? Well, every relationship is different, each has its own bounds of what defines “intimate;” so you can never be sure what will be appropriate sex talk. Things not
to say include: expressions of passion followed by an ex-lovers name, giving your partner’s genitals names and then holding a conversation with them while you’re doing it, or comparing their bodies to teenage Asian porn you found on the net. Remember, in addition to mixing the terminology up, one word or short phrase expressing pleasure is always a good thing. Examples include: “Harder, harder.” “Faster, faster.” “Oh god.” And the ever popular, “I am going to ejaculate my sperm into your anus. For your information.” LESSON 4: Practice makes perfect.
Next time you are sitting on the toilet, come up with a good string of sexy verbs and adjectives, memorize them, and then try them out the next time you are banging your partner. Remember, the only way to get good at something, be it sex talk or fellatio, is to practice. Try prototype lines out on your roommate. See if they think the line about you having sex with your partner and their hot mother is appropriate. If they laugh, look shocked, or otherwise express dismay, chances are you should not use that particular line. If they get a sultry look on their face and edge closer to you, you’ve struck gold. So keep in mind what I have told you here, use protection, and remember: pain might lead to pleasure, but afterward, it will leave welts. Play safe, and have fun!
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the217.com
Valentine
Victuals Local restaurants offer plenty of romantic options by Travis Clayton
P
eople are hungry for lovin’, and CU has a myriad of options for couples to fulfill their desires and fill their stomachs this Valentine’s Day weekend. From brunch to late-night and barbecue to lobster, fine dining and drinking establishments all over town offer some unique specials in which friends and lovers can indulge.
Silvercreek Restaurant
buzz file photo
Silvercreek is one such establishment. The downtown Urbana eatery is offering a full menu specialized for Valentine’s Day with a host of options for couples looking for a more formal, high quality meal. The restaurant will be featuring entrees like filet mignon and vegetarian dishes like spinach lasagna and butternut squash soup, all ranging in price from $15 to $30. Topping off the fare is a made-from-scratch dessert buffet described by owner Allen Strong as “the Mountain of Love” — something that, if it lives up to its billing, is sure to get hearts beating fast.
Radio Maria
This downtown Champaign hot-spot will feature two distinct options for flirting patrons, blending food, cocktails and good times. “For dinner we’re doing a full course tasting menu with wine pairings,” said manager Jacob Daugherty. The wine pairings start at $50 and go up to $85 for a premium. “There’s always kind of a good deal on the premium pairings,” he said. At Radio Maria romantic evenings don’t have to stop at dinner, since the venue is open late. Daugherty added, “For late night, we’re going to try to do a few odd drink specials like ‘love on the rocks’ and things like that.”
The Great Impasta
The Great Impasta is another Urbana mainstay hoping to spice up the night for people with a certain hunger. Nate Lynn said that the Italian-American nouveau restaurant is planning some elaborate specials for the weekend. “Our first special is going to be a homemade lobster stuffed ravioli in champagne cream sauce,” he said. The restaurant will also be serving tilapia en papillote and a desert especially suited to the holiday — red velvet cake.
Sun Singer Wines and Spirits
Sun Singer Wines and Spirits is hoping to attract lovebirds for delectables and drinks. The wine emporium is looking to offer a special menu of appetizers and desserts alongside its usual variety of beverages. Manager Bryan Bowman said, “We will have a couple kinds of prosecco cocktails.” One interesting dish that Bowman noted that Sun Singer’s chef Sherry Casillas is preparing is a unique strawberry treat. “Everybody kind of does the chocolate dipped strawberries, but our chef Sherry wanted to do something different,” Bowman said. Instead, Sun Singer will offer a dish of four strawberries, two traditionally dipped and two filled with heart-fluttering white chocolate vanilla mousse.
Photo by Paul Habeeb
February 11 - 17, 2010
Photo by Paul Habeeb
Sleepy Creek Vineyard,
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Located right outside of CU, Sleepy Creek Vineyard is also providing cozy entertainment for wine fans. In addition to wine samplings, the winery will host a production of the Pulitzer Prize winning romantic comedy, Talley’s Folly. The plays tells the story of a boy that loves a girl, but her family doesn’t approve of him. Coupled with the charming atmosphere of the vineyard’s landscape and a glass of one of their homemade wines, this date option is sure to win the heart of your valentine.
the217.com
Let me think your face off.
Celebrate
Po’ Boys Barbecue and Pizza
Photo by Paul Habeeb
Po’ Boys Barbecue and Pizza is a great place for lovers looking for a laid back place to spend a love-filled evening. Po’ Boys owner Jean Rasner was excited about Valentine’s Day, saying, “You don’t need reservations, and you don’t need a lot of money to come here and have a good time.” With specials like a combination of two salads and a large one-topping pizza for $15 and specialty pizzas, Po’ Boys could be a great place for couples looking for a different kind of atmosphere. Po’ Boys will also have live entertainment; the Killborn Alley Blues Band plays from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. on Feb. 14. Rasner said the mood would be “pretty laid back. We’ll have dim lights on, and the Killborn in the background will be a fun time. If people want to come and dance and watch TV that’s one thing, and if they want to be in the back and have it a little more privatized, that is a possibility, too.”
Carmon’s
Carmon’s in Champaign, renowned for its casual French cuisine, offers several specials for couples looking for fun and food this weekend. “We’re sort of a cozy restaurant,” said owner Mike Nelson, who added that the restaurant was still finalizing its menu, but that “some kind of wine pairing option would be available.” As a compliment to dinner, Nelson said that Carmon’s would also feature kir royales, champagne cocktails usually made with Chambord and raspberries, and their usual Sunday special of bloody marys. As a final romantic touch, “Ladies usually get a rose,” said Nelson. However, this is sure to be a popular spot, so reservations are encouraged.
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
Valentine’s Day on a Budget by Maggie Carrigan
On a budget this Valentine’s Day? Never fear: we’ve got some great date suggestions that are cheap and fun.
1.
Restaurant dining might be a little out of your price range, but don’t worry; your Valentine will forget all about the lack of reservations at Luna when he/she sees your picnic setting. Lay out a blanket in the middle of your living room. Dim the lights and light some candles, clustering them in the middle of the blanket. (Warning: Beware of open flames and blankets! Make sure the candles are contained.) Grab a basket (available at Wal-Mart for $3 in the craft aisle), and pack it with sandwiches cut into petite fourths, kettle-cooked potato chips, fresh strawberries or fruit salad, chocolates and a bottle of cheap champagne.
Indoor Picnic
2.
Trade-off Before the big night, go to the store and get some Swiss Miss, mini marshmallows, vanilla movie night ice cream and some Duncan Hines brownie mix.
Bake the brownies shortly before date time (so they are still a little warm by the time your lover gets there). Pick your date up and head to the movie store to pick out one movie he/she likes and one you like. Agree to watch both back to back while snuggled up with some hot chocolate and brownie sundaes. Have a fleece blanket handy for extra cuddle points.
3.
Iron Chef Grab a cook book — the Undergrad has tons if you don’t — and choose a recipe with your ValenAmerica-it tine. Head to the grocery store together to get the
ingredients, and attempt to make your chosen cuisine. Your tiny kitchen will provide plenty of excuses to bump into each other and the success (or epic fail) of your meal will bring you two closer together. Have Mac ‘n Cheese on hand in case the entree goes up in flames.
4. buzz file photo
Strip Twister
You’ve probably played this before at some party, but it’s much more romantic when its just you and your beloved. The rules: your bodies are entangled and your clothes are progressively coming off. I guess you could play it fully clothed, too. It would still be fun and you would still be touching, but why not up the ante?
5.
Get wasted
Local lovebirds looking for a romantic evening on Valentine’s Day weekend are in luck. No evening is complete without a good meal, and options and variety are abundant. No matter where or what one is looking for in a dinner out this Valentine’s Day, CU has something to offer.
Valentine’s Day falls on a Sunday this year, which means drink specials everywhere will be ridiculously cheap and bars will be empty. It will be quiet, kind of romantic (depending on how you look at it) and fun. Plus, chances are you’ll get some that night no matter what.
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MUSIC
Countdown of The Creepiest As Valentine’s Day quickly approaches and stores begin to churn out cutesy cards with sayings about how wonderful and uplifting love can be, people tend to forget about the other side of the coin — the kind of love which can be scary, creepy and consuming. It’s safe to say that most of us have experienced this kind of love — that skeevy guy in the bar who refuses to leave you alone; the girl who tells you she can’t live without you and means it — and we often tend to push these experiences out of our minds. Yet these creepy and disturbing obsessions seem to stem from the same breed of emotion as healthy love does, and so it seems proper that we keep this disturbing love in mind and give it some recognition this Valentine’s Day. After all, why should the day devoted to love be so exclusive? Creepy love songs exist everywhere; here’s a short countdown of five creepy love songs that you won’t hear on the radio this Valentine’s Day.
5 “Army Ants” ”Army Ants” by Tom Waits takes the fifth and least creepy spot on our countdown. The song is overall quite creepy, but the section of the song dealing with sex and love is extremely short. As disturbing as it is, this portion of the song is about
love in the insect kingdom rather than in the human world. Tom Waits sings that “the female praying mantis devours the male while they are mating. The male sometimes continues copulating even after the female has bitten off his head and part of his upper torso,” certainly a nasty and creepy image for us to ponder.
4 “Jailbait
Babycake”
Next on our list is “Jailbait Babycake” by The Show is the Rainbow. This song deals with creepy lust of the statutory sort. The narrator of the song sings the line, “chaperone at a high school dance, I’ve got something taped down, down in my pants,” and then goes on to repeat the line, “I wanna go to j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-jail for f-f-f-f-f-f-ff-fucking you.” Though the song is catchy, it’s not something you’d want to put into the tape deck for your sweetheart to set the mood.
3 “There Better Be Woman”
Creepy song number three goes to The Dwarves’ “There Better Be Women.” There’s a hesitation to call this a love song, because in reality it’s just a gross, lustful song about a creepy guy at a party. Still,
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Do you
know what’s going on around you?
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V-Day shouldn’t be so exclusive
I had to include it, considering the sheer number of creepers at parties and bars on campus. The song begins, “I went out to a stupid party, had the scam on everybody, asked a woman for a light and to spend the night,” and then goes on from there, getting grosser and creepier with each line. The song finally culminates in some suggestive noises, to put it mildly. Let’s just say that if you play this for your girl on Valentine’s Day — or on any other day — she’ll likely walk out of the room and not come back.
2 “Every Breath You Take”
Unlike the previous songs, our second most creepy love song is bigbrother creepy rather than gross-disgusting creepy. “Every Breath You Take” by The Police is our second most creepy song. This choice may seem deceiving. If you were to play this song for your significant other on Valentine’s Day, it would probably go over quite well. But listening closely shows the creepiness of this song. The most memorable line of the song is, “Every breath you take
and every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you.” It seems extremely creepy to have someone stalking me.
1 “Die, Die
My Darling”
The number one most creepy love song — “Die, Die My Darling” by the Misfits. This song covers the realm of retributive love, exploring the idea of a person who loves you so much that he/she stalk you after you leave them, except that this song goes a lot further. The singer suggests that he has been wronged by his “darling,” saying he “should have seen it a comin’ on,” and then goes on to explain that he will kill his ex-lover, saying that her “future is in an oblong box.” He finally says, “I’ll be seeing you again, I’ll be seeing you in hell.” This song seems to take the cake for creepy love, because the love here is so creepy that it’s murderous. There you go, five really creepy songs for Valentine’s Day — we’ve safely given creepy love the recognition it deserves this year. This also teaches us an important lesson: listen carefully to the lyrics of a love song before you play it for your significant other.
the217.com february 11 - 17, 2010
You’re doing a bad job of giving it to me.
Catching Up With: Love Edition
Local artists talk about sex, love and rock ’n’roll
by Justine Chan, Evan Metz and Candice Norwood
Who is your ultimate dream date and why?
How do you think mainstream music portrays love and sex?
If you were trying to woo a girl, what would you do?
If you were writing a love song to another band, who would it be to?
Nate Jones of Brother Embassy:
Ben Campbell of WFFM:
Jesse Johnson:
Ryan Groff:
“The ultimate dream date has got to be Janet Jackson. I wouldn’t even have to get physical with her, just hang out for a night. We would probably go to Skateland or something. It would be cool if she can roller skate.”
“I don’t really care about how the mainstream music scene portrays sex. I mean, it doesn’t portray sex; it suggests sex. As for how it portrays love, I guess that is a more interesting question. I don’t think it portrays love either. I just feel like it doesn’t get anywhere close. It’s not like they try and they get it wrong, it’s like they are so wrong that they’re not even trying. “
“I think the smoothest thing is if you make eye contact. Just start out with saying hi, and you need to say something funny, but not stereotypical. Once I got her laughing I would — this might be really creepy — I would try to put my arm around her. Then gradually try to get closer to her. I would try to talk about music, because that’s what I really want to talk about. I wouldn’t say that I’m in a band or anything like that, but I think not lying and being pretty honest is the best way to meet people.”
“On this tour, we’ve been playing with a group from Baton Rouge known as We Landed on the Moon!. It’s our third tour together, so that’s a lot of time for us to really fall in love with them. Our love song would sound like Marvin Gaye — just very Motown, smooth horns and lots of those vocal love and lust sounds, those oo’s and aah’s.”
Jesse Johnson of JET W. LEE: “Oh gosh...I would have to say Emily Haines, who is the singer of Metric, a band from Canada. I saw them not too long ago and I was in the front row, and she bent down between lyrics and said something to me, and I have no idea what she said. I think she is the best looking female singer ever, and her voice is very breathy — very sexy voice I would have to say.”
Ryan Groff of Elsinore: “Zooey Deschanel. She is by far my dearest Hollywood crush and pretty much my dream girl. She’s got this classically beautiful look as an actress and musician. She is pretty much a complete portrait. I like that she’s always extremely busy and never afraid to show some skin. For a date, I’d probably take her to hear some music, we’d sing some outof-tune karaoke and then get veggie burritos.”
Travis Leonard of Vanattica: “Jessica Biel. I know Justin Timberlake got his hands on her before, and that’s okay with me. You know her movies Summer Catch and Chuck and Larry? She was just perfect. She’s got a nice booty, big teeth — she just looks like a ton of fun, someone you can take to go paintballing and hang out with your friends. For the date, I’d take her to the gun range. For the first date, you really have to push it, and if she wants to go to be with me, then it’s real.”
David King of The Duke of Uke: “I’m a sucker for old 1930’s and 40’s love songs. There are a lot of songs that romanticize “getting laid,” and don’t talk about how cool love is. Also, most music that talks about love is too formulaic and contrive. The people who write these songs don’t actually feel what they are writing about, and so it’s hard to relate when you are the listener. When I write songs, I try to be as honest as possible so that people can relate to my music.”
Cody Sokolski of Delta Kings: “Sex and rock n’ roll are inexplicably linked. There used to be a difference between being sexy or pretty and looking like a porn star. The objectification gets tiresome. There is stuff in rock n’ roll that’s beautiful, but it tends to be from the not-mainstream stuff. Music has been tremendously evocative of love and has done a great job with romance, but after all these years, you see so much sexism that it’s disheartening.”
Pat Mangan of JET W. LEE: “I’m definitely digging Lady Gaga in terms of her subject matter. I guess too much of mainstream music makes it sound really, really easy, and it’s not. With Lady Gaga it’s more of an attitude of let’s have some fun, which you know has a time and place.”
David King: “Sniff this rag. Have you had the roofie-shake? Does this duck tape work? That’s probably enough.”
Travis Leonard: “Let me tell you my recipe for success. One: you got to be real nice — show her you’re a gentleman. Two: you have to show her you love your mom very much, and if that isn’t enough, number three really brings them overboard. All I have to say is that I’m the lead singer of a band — it almost always works. I had this girl asking me if I meant that I was just the lead singer of some garage band, and I had to say no, it’s more of like a basement band.”
Nate Jones: “I would say ’hello,’ because that’s my best pick up line. I would tell her I’m in a band, and ask her if she’s ever heard of Nate Jones. Then I guess I would tell her I have a brass bed, and say, ‘Hey you want to watch Ferris Bueller’s Day off?’”
David King: “Karen Carpenter and Mama Cass. It would be called ‘Hey Fat Girl, Why Don’t You Give Karen A Sandwich.’ It would be in the genre of Screamo Christian Rap, and the chorus would go ‘The chicken sandwich that killed Mama Cass is the same sandwich that can save Karen’s ass.’”
Ben Campbell: Well, they’re not a band anymore — Tall Tale. Our bands grew up together, and we started around the same time sort of at the same pace, and we were really sad when they broke up and therefore they in a way broke up with us. It would be one of those lost lover songs because the lover died tragically.
Travis Leonard: “[Verdict.] A couple weeks ago we just had a show with them, and because we love them so much, we did step aerobics on the stage while they played, and they ran across the stage naked for us. We were dressed like 80’s muscle heads, and it was like a Tai Bo video. So, this is our love song to you, Verdict: Verdict, you guys are so awesome/You run across the stage naked/Verdict, you guys are awesome/We’re all straight but we act so gay.”
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APARTMENTS
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410 APARTMENTS
BEST OFFER CAMPUS
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602 E. Stoughton, C Fall 2010. Unique 1, 2 bedroom apartments. Furnished, laundry, internet. 2 Bedrooms starting at $387/ person. Parking available. Must see! THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
604 E. White, C. Security Entrance Fall 2010, Large studio, 1, 2 bedroom, Loft Apartment. Furnished, balconies, patios, laundry, off-street parking, value pricing. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
605 S. Fifth, C. 509 Bash Court, C. Fall 2010 Great 3 and 5 bedrooms, Behind Legends. Fully furnished, dishwashers, laundry. Off-street parking. Starting at $330/person. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182 Capstone Condos 2 Female Roomates 4 BR/ private bath. Includes utilites, Washer/Dryer. $500/mo. 708-243-9169
Fall 2010 5th and Green location Outdoor activity area. 1 bedrooms available. Garage off-street parking, laundry, value pricing. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
John/Healey
Furnished 1 & 2 bedroom near John & Second $495/mo., Healey & Third $395/mo., Studios on Healey and First $345/mo. Available Now. Call 356-1407
1107 S. Fourth, C.
PERKS GALORE!
universitygroupapartments.com 217-352-3182
Leasing for Fall 2010! 1 Bedroom
Fall 2010. Large studio, double closet, well furnished. Starting from $350/mo. Behind County Market. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
Contact Justin at 618-304-8562
theuniversity
group
www.gregory-towers.com 217-352-3182
Furnished
420
705 W. Stoughton, U Fall 2010 3 bedroom apartment. Spacious living area. Communal balcony, great backyard. Plus a bar area in kitchen, dishwasher, washer/dryer in each unit, value pricing. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
509 Stoughton, C
111 E. Chalmers, C.
group
420 APARTMENTS
509 E. White, C.
NEW KITCHENS 503 - 505 - 508 White 2 Bedroom with den $790 3 Bedroom $830-950
Furnished
August 2010. Large Studio and 1 bedrooms. Security entry, balconies, patios, furnished. Laundry, off-street parking, value pricing. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
1005 S. Second, C. Fall 2010 studio and 4 bedroom penthouse. Secured building. Private parking, laundry on-site. Value pricing. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
420 APARTMENTS
207/211 John C.
PAID UTILITIES!
702 E. Green, Urbana (near Green & Anderson) Second floor large unit for $395/mo. New street and sidewalks and spacious grounds. Free laundry and parking. Available immediately. Call 384-0333 or 840-6860.
Furnished
2, 3 BR. Great Location, on-site laundry, parking. 3 BR with 2.5 bath/ spa with own washer/dryer. 4 BR with leather furniture plus flat screen TV. Value pricing. Office at 309 S. First C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
104 E. Armory, C.
203 S. Fourth, C. 605 E. Clark --2 Bedrooms
101 S. Busey, U. --3 & 4 Bedroom
420 APARTMENTS
Fall 2010. Location!! 4 bedroom, 2 bath. Some skylights and flat screen TVs. Covered Parking. Laundry. Starting at $375/person. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
1 Bedroom
Efficiency Apartments
Furnished
Furnished
Luxury Apartments
1 BR Loft 2 BR 3 BR 4 BR Campus. 367-6626 Available August 2010
APARTMENTS
420 APARTMENTS
Furnished
Great location. 2 blocks from main quad. Leather furniture, hardwood floors, & flat screen TV. Loft style 4 and 5 bedrooms, each with 2 full bathrooms. Great location! Just across from the U of I Armory. Available Fall 2010: 4BR Loft $1520 GREGORY 5BR Loft $1800 TOWERS
Daniel St. Lofts NOW LEASING New Kitchens Big! Flat Screen T.V. 4-Bedroom 2-Bath What happens at 106 E. Daniels, stays at 106 E. Daniels www.ugroup96.com 217-352-3182
AVAILABLE NOW Big 4 BR, Bi-Level Semester Lease 805 S. Locust $960/month 217-337-8852 www.mhmproperties.com
Available NOW Furnished Apartments Studios $355 - $390 1 Bedrooms $450 2, 3 Bedrooms $595 & up THE UNIVERSITY GROUP Office @ 309 S. First., C universitygroupapartments.com 217-352-3182
DELUXE 2 BR 309 N Busey, U August 2010. Fully furnished, W/D, ethernet and parking. Close to Beckman. $625/mo. Call Chris anytime 841-1996, 352-3182
GREAT VALUE 306-308-309 White, C August 2010. Furnished studios, 1, 2, and 3 bedrooms. Balconies, patios, laundry, dishwashers, off-street parking. Behind County Market. Starting at $265/person. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
1006 S. 3rd, C. Fall 2010 1, 2 bedrooms. Location, location. Covered parking, laundry, furnished, patios. Value pricing. Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP universitygroupapartments.com 352-3182
APARTMENTS Unfurnished
430
3 BEDROOM Heat Included 1714 W. Union, C. (Near Mattis & Union) Large unit all on one floor. W/D hookups. Spacious backyard and patio. $750/mo. Available immediately. Call 384-0333 or 840-6860.
705 S. Randolph, C. Newly remodeled 3 BR, 1.5 bath, Near downtown and campus. Now avail. 575.mo no pets includes trash parking and water. 217-352-8540 for viewing. www.faronproperties.com
FREE HEAT, WATER, & TRASH 603 W. Nevada, Urb 2 BR, unf, free off-st. pkg, $750-790 Weiner Companies www.weinercompanies.com info@weinercompanies.com 217-384-8001
the217.com february 11 - 17, 2010
Belching from both ends.
NOW AVAILABLE for your iPhone and iPod Touch
illiniMobile from illiniMEDIA
Download it in the App Store today. THE DAILY ILLINI | THE217.COM | BUZZ | WPGU 107.1 | CALENDAR | RESTAURANTS HOUSES FOR RENT
510 ROOMS
10 Bedroom On Campus. $3200/mo. Fall 2010 367-6626
308 1/2 W. William, C Very spacious 4 BR, LR, DR, 2 full baths, fire place,finished basement, enclosed porch, free parking, garage. August 217-337-8852 www.mhmproperties.com
11 Bedroom On Campus. $3300/mo. Fall 2010 367-6626
704 W. Illinois St., U Newly renovated 4 BR, 2 Bath campus property. Available Fall 2010. Contact Mary Williams msrwill3@ peoplepc.com
530 PARKING/STORAGE 570 PARKING/STORAGE 570 PARKING/STORAGE 570 PARKING/STORAGE 570 PARKING/STORAGE 570
Now - August Campus Rooms from $280 (217) 367-6626
ROOMMATE WANTED 550
HOUSES
Furnished 3 bdrm w/d, pkg 206 S. 4th $1225 Weiner Companies www.weinercompanies.com info@weinercompanies.com 217-384-8001
ViP text Program
Available Now 1107 S. FOURTH $300/mo. includes utilities Fully furnished apartment Private Bedroom Located @ 4th and Gregory Flexible Leases Available Office at 309 S. First, C. THE UNIVERSITY GROUP 352-3182 universitygroupapartments.com
Available NOW 2 Bedroom Apartment Pay half utilities, close to campus $380/mo. 367-6626
PARKING/STORAGE 570 Furnished 4 and 5 bedroom houses on campus near Ohio and Lincoln and Stoughton and Sixth. Fall 20102011. Call 356-1407.
Join the
PARKING NOW 4th & Clark, C. 5th/6th & White, C. 1st & Daniel, C. Locust & John, C. 217-337-8852 www.mhmproperties.com
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CALENDAR
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
Complete listing available at
THE217.COM/CALENDAR
SUBMIT YOUR EVENT TO THE CALENDAR: Online: forms available at the217.com/calendar • E-mail: send your notice to calendar@the217.com • Fax: 337-8328, addressed to the217 calendar Snail mail: send printed materials via U.S. Mail to: the217 calendar, Illini Media, 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 • Call: 531-1456 if you have a question or to leave a message about your event.
THURSDAY 11 live music Sam Gingher V. Picasso, U, 6pm UI Jazz Combo Iron Post, U, 7pm, $2 Frederica von Stade: Farewell Season Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, U, 7:30pm, $50, $45 seniors, $35 students
dj Country Night with DJ Halfdead and Free Line Dance Lessons from Scotty Van Zant Radmaker’s Rock & Roll Tavern, Tolono, 8pm No cover before 8pm. Stitches Goth Night with DJ Rickbats, DJ Kannibal The Clark Bar, C, 10pm REMIXXX Thursdays with DJ Bob Bass Soma Ultralounge, C, 10pm Swing Dance Illini Union, U, 9:30pm Any level of dance experience is welcome.
concert Concert by Tim Eriksen Allen Hall, U, 7pm
karaoke DJ Hollywood Karaoke It’ll Do 2, C, 8pm DJ Bange Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, 8:30pm CG Productions presents RockStar Karaoke featuring Crazy Craig Senator’s Bar & Grill, Savoy, 9pm Liquid Courage Karaoke Memphis on Main, C, 9pm CG Productions presents RockStar Karaoke featuring Karaoke Opie Bentley’s Pub, C, 9:30pm CG Productions presents RockStar Karaoke featuring DJ Switch Fireside Bar and Grill, C, 10pm
open mic SPEAK Cafe Krannert Art Museum
20
buzz
and Kinkead Pavilion, C, 7pm The meeting is an openmic public space for hiphop, activism, and Black Power expression.
FRIDAY 12
and students A Body of Water The Station Theatre, U, 8pm, $15 Talley’s Folly Sleepy Creek Vineyards, Fairmount, 7pm, $15 Penny Dreadful Players Present: The Speed Show Project Gregory Hall, U, 8pm, $4 A brand-new show idea that combines collaborative writing with on-stage performance.
Kinkead Pavilion, C, 12pm Tarot Readings by Jace Hoppes Chester Street, C, 10pm, $5
Beat Kitchen Cowboy Monkey, C, 10pm, $5 Lookbook with Blah Blah Blah & Santah Mike ‘n’ Molly’s, C, 10pm
literary
SUNDAY 14
Book Signing and Reading live music live music with Marianne Malone Darden Purcell Jane Addams Book Shop, Brunch with Panache Iron Post, U, 5pm C, 1pm Jim Gould Restaurant, C, miscellaneous Roses and Sake 11am volunteer Canopy Club, U, 6:30pm, Rod Sickler Presents: Poetry About Music/Mumovies dj $7 Red Hot Winter ... The UC Books to Prisoners sic About Poetry IPRH Film Series: What’s Rustbelt at Clark Bar Return! Hip Hop at Bradley’s II work session Urbana Free Library, U, Cooking? The Clark Bar, C, 7pm Jupiter’s, C, 7:30pm, $29- Bradley’s II, C, 9pm, $5 Urbana-Champaign In2pm Krannert Art Museum David Howie Acoustic $41 DJ Hollywood dependent Media Center, Emerald Rum and Kinkead Pavilion, C, Jukebox A fast paced variety show It’ll Do 2, C, 9pm U, 2pm Blind Pig Co., The, C, 5pm 5:30pm Bentley’s Pub, C, 9pm which is a fusion of music, Saturday Night ThrowValentine’s Party at Po’ Big Boss Twang dance, comedy, hair and down featuring DJ Mertz kids & families Boys stage Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, fashion. Red Hot Winter... Boltini Lounge, C, 10pm Vroom! Vroom! ValenPo’ Boys, U, 5pm, $4 Killer Joe 9pm The Return! Is Like nothSaturday Night weekly DJs tines Live music at Carmon’s festivals Krannert Center for the Run For Cover ing you will see this side Soma Ultralounge, C, 10pm Urbana Free Library, U, 1pm Carmon’s Restaurant, C, Performing Arts, U, Memphis on Main, C, Brazilian Carnival Party of Las Vegas! Dance Pop Spanish Story Time 6:30pm 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors 9pm, $5 2010 Chester Street, C, 10pm, $3 Urbana Free Library, U, Andre Kapsalas Trio and students The Hillbilly Jones 2:30pm Iron Post, U, 7pm, $3 karaoke The play unmasks the ef- Iron Post, U, 9pm, $3 Chess Club for Kids Surreal Deal QUICK CASH - GET IT! fects of droning television Dr. Manhattan CG Productions presents Urbana Free Library, U, 4pm Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, carnage and desperation Cowboy Monkey, C, RockStar Karaoke featur9pm mind/body/spirit on a Middle American 9:30pm, $5 ing Matt Fear karaoke family. Jason and the Punknecks, Senator’s Bar & Grill, SaSpecial Valentine’s A Body of Water Roberta Sparrow, and voy, 9pm Weekend Yoga Class Rock Band Sundays The Station Theatre, U, The Burninators — Opening the Heart Hosted by MC Remy movies 8pm, $10 Mike ‘n’ Molly’s, C, 10pm, Amara Yoga & Arts, U, Bentley’s Pub, C, 8pm $5 The News Gazette Film 5pm, $12 lectures open mic Series presents: Eternal In this class we will come dj Senior Moment — CenSunshine of the Spotless together to expand our Anything Goes Open Mic ATM conveniently located on tral Illinois’ Grand Prairie: Top 40 Dance with DJ Mind heart centers and exhale in Night with Jeremy Harper campus at 6th & Green. Ecology from Past to Substitute Virginia Theatre, C, 1pm, celebratory unison. We will Memphis on Main, C, Present Chester Street, C, 9pm, $3 7pm, $5 practice opening our hearts 8:30pm 1601 South Prospect Avenue :`YehYa_f ÛddafgakÛ ~ ÛÝÛ ~ Clark-Lindsey Village, U, Ladies Night through thoughts and emoooo l`]hjgkh][lZYfc [ge stage stage 7pm Radmaker’s Rock & Roll tions, as well as opening MEMBER FDIC Jury Nullification Tavern, Tolono, 9pm Killer Joe the physical space of our A Body of Water Urbana Free Library, U, DJs Ian Procell and Reflex Krannert Center for the heart centers with a warm- The Station Theatre, U, support groups 7pm Boltini Lounge, C, 10pm Radio Maria, C, 10pm, Performing Arts, U, ing practice. The loving will 8pm, $10 A talk by Martin Johnson. DJ Tim Williams $5-$7 Narcotics Anonymous 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors continue with chocolate Talley’s Folly Soma Ultralounge, C, St. John the Divine Episco- and students and wine after our practice. Sleepy Creek Vineyards, volunteer lectures 10pm pal Church, C, 8pm A Body of Water Fairmount, 7pm, $15 miscellaneous UC Books to Prisoners DJ Delayney Friday Forum: “Urban The Station Theatre, U, work session Highdive, C, 10pm, $5 Farming and Local Food SATURDAY 13 8pm, $15 Rod Sickler Presents: Red game-playing Urbana-Champaign InLatin Fever at Clark Bar Systems” Talley’s Folly Hot Winter ... The Return! Trivia Night at The Blind dependent Media Center, The Clark Bar, C, 9pm University YMCA, C, 12pm live music Sleepy Creek Vineyards, Jupiter’s, C, 7:30pm, $19Pig Brewery U, 2pm No cover before 11pm. Painkillers Fairmount, 7pm, $15 $41 The Blind Pig Brewery, C, community Iron Post, U, 6pm, $3 Penny Dreadful Players 7pm kids & families karaoke Evening at the Savoy/ Eva Hunter Presents: The Speed Show classes & workshops lgbt Preschool Story Time CG Productions presents Kickoff/Open House The Clark Bar, C, 8pm Project Kids Knitting Playshop Urbana Free Library, U, RockStar Karaoke featur- Savoy Recreational Center, Laurence Nugent Gregory Hall, U, 8pm, $4 Amara Yoga & Arts, U, Valentine’s GAY 9:45am ing Crazy Craig Savoy, 3pm, $7-$12 Channing-Murray Foun10am, $70-$75 The Clark Bar, C, 8pm, $3 holidays Write On! Senator’s Bar & Grill, Sadation, U, 8pm, $20, $10 Kids will make knitting neefundraisers Urbana Free Library, U, voy, 9pm students and seniors Be My Valentine dles to keep and complete classes & workshops 4pm CG Productions presents Eat Greek Captain Rat and The Lake of the Woods Forest a simple project, such as a West African Dance RockStar Karaoke First Presbyterian Church Blind Rivets Valentine Preserve, Mahomet, 5pm, pocket purse, a ball, dolls or Classes with Djibril classes & workshops Rumor’s Bar and Grill, U, of Urbana, U, 7am, $7-$25 Beach Party $10 per couple scarf. Parents can drop off Camara Learn How To Run Sound! 9pm Uni High Students for a Kennedy’s at Stone Creek, Join us on a guided hike their child or stay for Yoga Channing-Murray FoundaUrbana-Champaign InKaraoke at Po’ Boys Better World presents U, 8pm, $10 through the historic Fundamentals. tion, U, 7pm, $10-$12 dependent Media Center, Po’ Boys, U, 9pm their annual charity dinBilly Galt and Friends Rayburn-Purnell Woods, Intro to Waldorf DollU, 8pm ner. Bentley’s Pub, C, 8pm then warm up in the making for Adults MONDAY 15 stage Experience will be Murali Coryell & Special Early American MuAmara Yoga & Arts, U, mind/body/spirit live music shared with hands-on Killer Joe Guests: The Sugar seum with hot cocoa as 12pm, $135-$150 demonstrations usKrannert Center for the Yoga at Krannert Art Prophets you view our collection Treats for Your Sweet Weekly Jazz Jam Session ing common pieces of Performing Arts, U, Museum Memphis on Main, C, of antique Valentine’s ARC Instructional Kitchen, Iron Post, U, 7pm, $2 equipment. 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors Krannert Art Museum and 9pm, $5 cards. C, 4pm Monday Night Live
Boltini Lounge, C, 10pm Mayhew The Traitor Memphis on Main, C, 10:30pm
dj Industrial Night: DJ SorceryKid presents Nekromancy Chester Street, C, 9pm, $2 ‘80s Night Highdive, C, 10pm Ballroom Dancing Classes University YMCA, C, 6:15pm, $45
Bentley’s Pub, C, 7pm Board Game Night with DJ Casanova Radio Maria, C, 10:30pm
literary Center for Children’s Books Annual Booksale Library and Information Science, C, 10am Alumni Author Event — “Hook & Jill: Neverland as Never Before” Illini Union Bookstore, C, 4:30pm
Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, 9pm Fat Tuesday Party: Feast on Burlesque Troupe, Sweet Crush Cabaret Memphis on Main, C, 9pm Fat Tuesday Celebration — Big Grove Zydeco Iron Post, U, 9pm, $3
Indi Go Gallery, C, 9pm, $2
buz z ’s Week
Ahead
lectures
dj
Know Your University: Finding a Job in Today’s Tough Economy University YMCA, C, 12pm 2010 Conservation Lecture Series Gregory Hall, U, 4pm
Retro Night Chester Street, C, 9pm
game-playing
Boltini TNT with Cara Maurizi karaoke Paul Faber hosts Dragon Boltini Lounge, C, 7pm CG Productions presents kids & families Karaoke WPGU presents Trivia RockStar Karaoke featur- O Baby! The Clark Bar, C, 9pm Diner hosted by Fishing ing Matt Fear Champaign Public Library, CG Productions presents With Dynamite Mike ‘n’ Molly’s, C, 10pm C, 10:30am, 11:15am RockStar Karaoke featur- Canopy Club, U, 7pm Acoustic Karaoke with ing DJ Switch fundraisers literary Steve Meadows Bentley’s Pub, C, 9:30pm Bentley’s Pub, C, 10pm Benefit for Crisis Nursery CG Productions presents Center for Children’s Po’ Boys, U, 4pm RockStar Karaoke featur- Books Annual Booksale open mic ing Matt Fear Library and Information Open Stage for Bands/ TUESDAY 16 Boltini Lounge, C, 10pm Science, C, 10am Musicians Red Herring Fiction open mic Memphis on Main, C, 8pm live music Workshop Fat Tuesday CelebraOpen Mic Night hosted Channing-Murray Foundastage tion — Traditional Jazz by Mike Ingram tion, U, 7:30pm Monday Night Improv Orchestra Cowboy Monkey, C, 10pm volunteer Illini Union, U, 8pm Iron Post, U, 5pm, $3 stage Lara Driscoll UC Books to Prisoners game-playing V. Picasso, U, 6pm Zoo Improv @ Indi Go work session Trivia with Evan and Monte Corn Desert Ramblers Gallery Urbana-Champaign In-
Killer Joe Krannert Center for the Performing Arts Thursday-Saturday, February 11-13, at 7:30 p.m Wednesday-Saturday, February 17-20, at 7:30 p.m Sunday, February 21 3 p.m. On Wednesdays and Thursdays, get 2 tickets for the price of 1 for all shows! Nothing is better than a good play on a Saturday night, which is why Killer Joe, performed by the U of I Theater Department, at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts is the perfect way to kick off the weekend. — Abby Wilson, Arts Editor
karaoke
Big Boss Twang Rosebowl Tavern 106 N. Race St. , U. Friday, Feb. 12 9:00 p.m. - 1:00 p.m. Free Lets be brutally honest; twang is the coolest musical genre known to man. Yes, better than Ska. For anyone who has listened to Duane Eddy’s Have Twangy Guitar Will Travel, you know that there is nothing better to party to than Twang. Drinking beer and listening to Duane Eddy makes me feel more alive then anything else in the world. I’m sorry, what were we talking about? — Matt Carey, Movies and TV
Brazilian Carnival Party 2010 Radio Maria Friday, Feb. 12 10 p.m. - 2 a.m. $5 I don’t know how I could possibly turn down anything that suggests you wear glitter, beads, masks, costumes and feathers. This just has to be a good idea. I might be Italian/Swedish, but I’m willing to be Brazilian for a day! If the whole UI campus can be Irish if they so chose, I’m more than capable of pulling off Brazilian and I simply cannot wait! — Emily Carlson, Music Editor
Bela Fleck and The Africa Project Canopy Club Sunday, Feb. 14 $25 Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, love is Bela Fleck and The Africa Project. My romeo is Mr. Fleck serenading me to the sweet sounds of his banjo, it’s orgasmic. Join me? Canopy Club. — Em. J Staples, Community Editor
Hook & Jill — Neverland as never before Illini Union Bookstore Monday Feb. 15 4:30 p.m. - 5:30 p.m. Andrea Jones, an alum of Illinois, returns to her alma mater to discuss her novel, Hook & Jill. A modern retelling of the Peter Pan fairytale, Jones’s novel challenges the traditional ideas of good and evil, right and wrong, innocence and villainy. The Wendy of this story isn’t a doormat and she’s looking for answers to real questions. This sounds much better to me than the original tale, which I was never a fan of as a child. It should be interesting to hear what Jones has to say about her interpretation of the story. — Maggie Carrigan, Food & Drink Editor buzz
21
dependent Media Center, U, 7pm
kids & families Story Time Champaign Public Library, C, 6:30pm
miscellaneous Mardi Gras Party Po’ Boys, U, 5pm
Wednesday 17 live music Donnie Heitler Great Impasta, U, 6pm Traditional Irish Music at Bentley’s Pub Bentley’s Pub, C, 7pm Doug Keith Aroma Cafe, C, 7pm Dave Cooper and Joni Dreyer Senator’s Bar & Grill, Savoy, 8pm Scott Miller Highdive, C, 8pm, $10 Caleb Cook Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, 9pm
Old School Red Star Liquors, U, 10pm I Love the ‘90s Soma Ultralounge, C, 10pm Weekly Salsa Night Cowboy Monkey, C, 10pm
karaoke CG Productions presents RockStar Karaoke featuring DJ Switch The Corner Tavern, Monticello, 8pm International Karaoke hosted by Paul Faber V. Picasso, U, 9pm The Legendary Karaoke Night with The Outlaw White Horse Inn, C, 9pm “G” Force Karaoke/DJ every Wednesday at Fat City Fat City Bar & Grill, C, 10pm
open mic Open mic at Green St. Green St. Cafe, C, 8pm Open Stage Comedy Night Memphis on Main, C, 9pm
dj
stage
Hillbilly Humpday with DJ Halfdead Radmaker’s Rock & Roll Tavern, Tolono, 8pm Boys Night Out with DJ Randall Ellison Boltini Lounge, C, 9pm Weekly Top 40 Chester Street, C, 9pm Wild West Wednesday It’ll Do 2, C, 9pm
Killer Joe Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, U, 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors and students A Body of Water The Station Theatre, U, 8pm, $8 Zoo Improv at The Iron Post Iron Post, U, 8pm, $4
game-playing
Center for Children’s Books Annual Booksale Library and Information Science, C, 10am
Scotty Van Zant Radmaker’s Rock & Roll Tavern, Tolono, 8pm Stitches Goth Night with DJ Rickbats, DJ Kannibal The Clark Bar, C, 10pm REMIXXX Thursdays with DJ Bob Bass Soma Ultralounge, C, 10pm Swing Dance Illini Union, U, 9:30pm
kids & families
karaoke
Euchre Tournament Po’ Boys, U, 7:30pm Screwball Trivia Night Radio Maria, C, 11pm
literary
Wednesday Wii DJ Hollywood Karaoke Urbana Free Library, U, 4pm It’ll Do 2, C, 8pm DJ Bange classes & workshops Rosebowl Tavern, Ltd., U, Foundations of Tango 8:30pm course CG Productions presents Phillips Recreation Center, RockStar Karaoke featurU, 8pm, $50, $40 students ing Crazy Craig Senator’s Bar & Grill, SaThursday 18 voy, 9pm Liquid Courage Karaoke live music Memphis on Main, C, 9pm Sam Gingher CG Productions presents V. Picasso, U, 6pm RockStar Karaoke featurU of I Jazz Trombone ing Karaoke Opie Ensemble Bentley’s Pub, C, 9:30pm Iron Post, U, 7pm, $2 CG Productions presents Blues Jam with The Sugar RockStar Karaoke featurProphets ing DJ Switch Cowboy Monkey, C, 9pm Fireside Bar and Grill, C, The Retribution Gospel 10pm Choir open mic Canopy Club, U, 9:30pm, $8 Innovators Improv on Bossa Nuevo Sustainability Zorba’s, C, 9:30pm, $3 Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, U, 5pm
dj
Country Night with DJ Halfdead and Free Line Dance Lessons from
stage Killer Joe Krannert Center for the
Performing Arts, U, 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors and students A Body of Water The Station Theatre, U, 8pm, $10
volunteer UC Books to Prisoners work session Urbana-Champaign Independent Media Center, U, 2pm
kids & families Preschool Story Time Urbana Free Library, U, 9:45am
fundraisers Tapas y Fotographias Radio Maria, C, 8pm, $20 A fundraiser for the BFA Photography thesis show.
miscellaneous Rod Sickler Presents: Red Hot Winter ... The Return! Jupiter’s, C, 7:30pm, $19$41
classes & workshops
Bentley’s Pub, C, 6pm Champaign-Urbana Symphony Orchestra: To Stir the World Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, U, 7:30pm, $5-$31 Poundcake with Withershins & Backyard Shark Mike ‘n’ Molly’s, C, 9pm The Pimps Cowboy Monkey, C, 10pm, $5
dj Top 40 Dance with DJ Substitute Chester Street, C, 9pm, $3 Ladies Night Radmaker’s Rock & Roll Tavern, Tolono, 9pm DJ Tim Williams Soma Ultralounge, C, 10pm DJs Ian Procell and Reflex Boltini Lounge, C, 10pm DJ’s Tim Hayden and Melanie Sheckles Bentley’s Pub, C, 10pm, $2 DJ Delayney Highdive, C, 10pm, $5 Latin Fever at Clark Bar The Clark Bar, C, 9pm
karaoke Volunteer Information Session CG Productions presents Spurlock Museum, U, 10am RockStar Karaoke featuring Crazy Craig Friday 19 Senator’s Bar & Grill, Savoy, 9pm live music CG Productions presents Jeff Helgesen Jazz RockStar Karaoke Quintet Rumor’s Bar and Grill, U, Iron Post, U, 5pm 9pm Everett Thomas and Karaoke at Po’ Boys Stacy Ingram Po’ Boys, U, 9pm
ONGOING EVENTS Curioser and Curioser: The Games and Mindgames of Lewis Carroll Main Library U 8:30am To coincide with the soon-to-be-released Tim Burton film, Alice in Wonderland, collection items on exhibit in The Rare Book & Manuscript Library at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign relating to Lewis Carroll include autographed letters, photographs, rare editions, and such curiosities as games and puzzles. A Mad-Hatter Tea party will be held on March 5.
stage
fundraisers
Killer Joe Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, U, 7:30pm, $15, $14 seniors and students A Body of Water The Station Theatre, U, 8pm, $15
Friday Forum: “Business as a Solution to Poverty in Africa” University YMCA, C, 12pm
Illini 3rd Annual Dance Marathon Activities and Recreation Center (ARC), C, 7pm, $25 An all night event with free food, live entertainment, DJ, and raffle prizes to raise money for St. John’s Children’s Hospital. The Vagina Monologues Gregory Hall, U, 8pm, $8-$10
kids & families
mind/body/spirit
Owl Prowl Lake of the Woods Forest Preserve, Mahomet, 6pm, $2
Yoga at Krannert Art Museum Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, C, 12pm
community
miscellaneous
Evening at the Savoy/ Kickoff/Open House Savoy Recreational Center, Savoy, 3pm, $5-$9
Rod Sickler Presents: Red Hot Winter ... The Return! Jupiter’s, C, 7:30pm, $19$41
lectures
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the217.com
Speaking of Bob Dylan, she tastes just like a woman.
FEBRUARY 11 - 17, 2010
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February 11 - 17, 2010
the217.com
The Perfect Pair
Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga
Who tries to break gender and social norms while wearing outlandishly inappropriate outfits as much as Lady Gaga? That’s right, Adam Lambert, which is exactly why this celebrity duo would be a perfect pair. Not only would their avante garde wardrobes be the center of attention on the red carpet, but so would their budding avante garde music careers, since both artists are truly talented singers with an eye for imagination and boundary pushing. And who knows, maybe next time Lambert can be the little chicken in Lady Gaga’s wired cage. —MELANIE ZANONA
buzz tries its hand at celeb matchmaking
with everything that they do. Plus, if they hooked up, they would make a big splash in the dance/ techno community. I know that these guys aren’t the biggest names in the business, but both are recognized for their hard work. If they did get together, I would imagine their relationship to be something like Jay-Z and Beyonce’s relationship, only less creepy because neither is 20 years older than the other. In this match-up, they would both have a lot in common. Both of these people were born and raised in Europe. They also have a lot of similarities in that they’ve experienced mainstream success with their respective singles (Cascada’s “Everytime We touch” and Basshunter’s “Boten Anna”). The last reason why Basshunter and Natalie Horler would make the perfect couple is that everyone knows that Europeans are HOT. — JEREMY LIN
I think that Natalie Horler of Cascada and Jonas Erik Altberg a.k.a. Basshunter, two prominent figures in the dance/techno scene, would make the perfect pair. Both of them are young and ready to have fun. Horler and Basshunter would make a good pair because of their ability to have fun
Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus
show Justin the finer points of dating and such, since she is two years Justin’s senior. Likewise, Justin would show Miley the importance of acting your own age and not being too mature. I think this couple would work out pretty well. They’re both well known music artists, and the publicity would only help them. —JEREMY LIN P. Diddy and Rihanna
Alison Mosshart and Julian Casablancas
Basshunter and Cascada
awesome this couple would be. And just think about the babies. I can’t wait for those children to start making music. It really just comes down to how good they would look together. They would combine to create the pinnacle of dirty, sexy, young musicians. —EVAN METZ
What could be better than two leather-clad rockers pairing up and then probably doing weird things in leather? Absolutely nothing. Julian Casablancas and Alison Mosshart are two of the most badass people in rock music today, and who wouldn’t want to see what a badass couple they would make. Imagine, if you will, what the combination of their musical spirits would create, not to mention how much their leather—clad styles go together perfectly. Think of all the kinky S&M shit that would produce. Leather has never been so hot. Combine the music of The Strokes and that of The Kills and you pretty much have the definition of how
After Rihanna’s rough year in romance, she needs a man who can not only treat her right but also drive her career to the top of the music industry. Who better to do that than hip—hop mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs? Diddy is a Grammy Award-winning rapper, singer, producer, designer and entrepreneur. He even has his own brand of Vodka. Rihanna also boasts an impressive resume with nine Grammy nominations, four albums and 13 singles that have been on the Billboard’s top ten. Lookout Beyonce and Jay—Z, because a new power couple could run this town. —MELANIE ZANONA My man JBiebs, also known as Justin Bieber, should totally get with Miley Cyrus. These two adolescent rock stars would make the cutest couple. Justin has that whole “Californian surfer dude” look going for him, and he has the voice of a twelve-year-old angel. Not only that, but JBiebs has all the hook-ups. I mean, he gets to throw slumber parties in Usher’s house! Miley, on the other hand, also contributes to the pairing. Her killer looks and more—than—adult ideals are the perfect balance to Justin’s innocence. Miley would
Kanye West and Taylor Swift
If they could overcome their differences and triumph in the face of adversity, Taylor Swift and Kanye West would definitely be the new “it” couple in Hollywood and throw everyone for a loop. Talented Taylor and cocky Kanye would revolutionize the music industry with a new genre of music involving hip—hop beats, acoustic guitars, auto—tuned voices and sappy love lyrics about high school. E! will obviously hail their relationship as the story of a country mouse who meets a city cat. Their marriage, though, is sure to end poorly when Kanye steals the mic from the maid of honor and says, “Yo yo, I’m sorry, but Beyonce had the best wedding of all time.” —MELANIE ZANONA
QUICK PICK ALBUM reviews ARTIST:
Robin Thicke
Album: Sex
Therapy
This album is perfect for sex week. Robin Thicke has branched out from the soul sounds of his previous three records to make a more R&B-styled effort. It features the talents of Estelle, Jay—Z, KiD CuDi and more. As the title track alludes, we’re listening to a meditation on sexual tension, and hey now, those lyrics get explicit! Mr. Thicke is here to give naughty advice in a smooth falsetto and encourage the baby making. If you’re in the mood for lovin’ and some sexy dancing, I totally recommend Sex Therapy. — Caity LeValley 24
buzz
ARTIST: Lloyd
Album: Lessons
in Love
The album, released in 2008, has a heavy and prominent sex theme throughout. With titles like “Sex Education,” “Have My Baby” and “Party All Over Your Body,” Lloyd uses his extremely sexy and sultry voice to seduce any lady who is susceptible to The Lloyd Love Spell. “Year of the Lover” emits an intensely blissful and passionate vibe over any of the other tracks. Still stuck? Just think: sensual slow jams without the heavy, deep voiced older man mumbling over the melodious background. Now it’s time to see if Lloyd can put you under his spell. — Krithika Rajaraman
ARTIST: Taylor
Swift
Album: Fearless
Although it may be possible for sweet, innocent, little Taylor Swift to write a bad song, we haven’t seen it yet. Whether she is incredibly down to earth or incredibly good at acting like it, she has this magical talent of writing songs that everyone seems to be able to relate to. Fearless defines cute, lovey album and there’s no denying it. Everything from new love, to family love, to passionate or confusing love all make an appearance in the album, and Swift’s way of getting songs stuck in our heads and singles stuck on the radio is why Fearless is a love story worth telling. — Emily Carlson
the217.com february 11 - 17, 2010
DOIN’ IT WELL
by Jo SangEr and Ross Wantland
More’s Not A Crowd Valentine’s Day focuses on couples, romance and, in more recent years, the celebration of being single, too! With this in mind, Doin’ It Well decided to move away from those familiar topics and write about group sex. It was brought to our attention recently by concerned adults that young people are experimenting with “orgies” or group sex, and that something should be done about this. Group sexual experimentation isn’t anything new. Remember spin the bottle? Activities can range from sharing sexual tales or fantasies to kissing, to showing body parts, to touching genitals or penetration. It’s important to point out that most people, young or old, are not engaging in orgies on a regular basis, and while fantasies about orgies are quite common, acting them out in real life happens much less often. Group sex does take place, and there are rewards and challenges with this behavior. “Doin’ It Well” would like to offer some advice for anyone engaging in or considering group sex to ensure that it’s pleasurable, consensual, and safe! Calling all Participants
Group sex involves four or more people (three people is simply a threesome) who all agree to be sexual with each other in specific ways. Consent is a big part of any sexual encounter and plays an even bigger role in group activities. Sometimes, a group of friends or acquaintances gets together, starts talking about sex, and decides to experiment or have fun with each other. In same gender groups, this experimentation can be about both learning about our own sexuality and peer bonding. For example, Jo recently heard a story of women in their 30s who at a “ladies night” party began discussing their feelings about their bodies. By the end of the night, they all agreed to show each other their breasts as a way to feel normalized, empowered and proud of the various body sizes and shapes in the group. When sexual behaviors begin to take place in a group, dynamics can get tricky, and decisions can be harder to make. On one hand, playing a spin the bottle type game within a group can make this experimenting safer. For example, the bottle lands on “kiss the person to your right.” The next spin orders “touch the breast of the person on your left.” With everyone in the group watching, there’s a built-in “chaperone” system to ensure that everyone is respecting the “rules” and not going too far.
RANTS & RAVES Orgy Etiquette and Group (Sex) Think
On the other hand, group activities can quickly turn into sexual acts that can involve manual, oral or genital touching, and even penetration. It can be hard to set limits for ourselves amidst a group, especially if everyone seems to be having a good time. Whether we’re a teenager or in our 40s or older, we may get caught up in a conflict around what we feel comfortable with and our desires to fit in.
can respect what others are choosing to do without shaming or judging them, and also, ask that they not judge you for your choice not to participate. Simply tell them it’s not something you’re in to and that you hope they have fun. Stay tuned to next week about when our roommate shares too much.
Just Say Yes
Have a great Valentine’s Day story about celebrating sexuality? Send it to Jo & Ross and they’ll print it (confidentially, of course): buzzdoinitwell@yahoo.com
At the risk of sounding like an “after school special” if you do decide to engage in group activities, make sure it’s with people you trust and because you really want to, not because you are feeling pressured to do so to fit in or gain respect. You can take charge of this yourself. Make sure everyone is sober and consenting. Designate one person to be in charge of checking consent. Be sure to give people in the group an easy “out” if you notice they start to feel uncomfortable. If one person says, “This is getting too crazy for me, I’m out,” it can give other people permission to excuse themselves from uncomfortable activities, too. Group sex should be fun, caring and exciting, and all people should be willing participants. If someone is coercing or pressuring someone into something, kick them out. Nah, Man, I’m Cool
Not engaging in group sexual activities does not make you a prude; you choose to celebrate your sexuality in other ways! But, despite our snicker at the “just say no” slogan, it can be hard to go against what a group is doing. You
Tri-Town Talk
“Rants and Raves” is an anonymous space for your words, not ours. Post (anonymously) on the217.com’s Rants & Raves forum (find it on the home page) and we will put your scribblings in an upcoming issue. We reserve the right to refuse to publish any post on the basis of content.
Though it’s my first Valentine’s season as a singleton since 10th grade (love you too, ex-boyfriend!), it’s a great comfort to know...CHOCOLATE STILL TASTES THE SAME!
ó M M
Anal. If I wanted to feel like I’m pooping, I’d just poop.
M
The extent of my recent (and lets face it, not so recent) sex stories would all end in “ ... and then I went home alone.”
M
SEX 411
Group ground rules Consider establishing some rules that the group agrees to. » Confidentiality: What happens in the group stays within the group — no sharing identifying information with outsiders! » Safety: Everyone in the group will wear condoms or avoid skin to skin contact and fluid exchange. » Sex Positivity: Everyone will treat all group members witth respect and dignity. » Free: No coercion, pressure, manipulation or force! Everyone should be willing and excited to play! » Celebrate the “yeses” and respect all “nos.”
The first time I had sex was on my birthday. I tried to have sex with my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, but for reasons beyond my control relating to my circulatory system and my gender specific anatomy, it didn’t work out. On my birthday we tried again. When I got it in my girlfriend exclaimed “We’re finally doing it!” I replied, “Actually, we already did, because I’m already done.” She said she’d pretend it never happened and we could just count the next time as a first time.
M
I was at a party talking to a girl who really wanted to hook up with me — her name was Allie. Allie and I were waiting in line for the bathroom and arguing who should go first. We agreed we should both go in at the same time. My friend Steve convinced us to let him go in as well because he drank a lot of beer. Once we were in the bathroom Steve used the toliet while Allie and I got into the bathtub. Allie hiked up her skirt and squatted down to pee; I unzipped my pants and arced my stream over Allie’s head. Everything would have worked out fine if I wasn’t so drunk, because I ended up accidentally peeing all over Allie’s head. Allie didn’t want to hook-up with me anymore. I once dated a girl who was an actress in a local production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Suffice it to say she was made up like a rocker-whore on stage, with six-inch platform shoes, fishnets, a silver minishkirt, and enough eye shadow to skin a cat. A really fat cat. She called me during a break between shows to ask if I had gotten any more “protection” as we recently ran out. I explained that my car was currently broken and if we wanted any she would have to pick me up. She did, still made up for the play, rolling her window down as she approached with a “Looking for a good time?” At the local supermarket, heads were revolving, mouths dropping, particularly when we stopped at the prophylactics section. The cashier looked me over, looked at her, and told me to wear protection. And I did!
ó M
Illustration by Maureen Walrath
buzz
25
February 11 - 17, 2010
the217.com jonesin’
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
“Hate leaves ugly scars,” wrote author Mignon McLaughlin, but “love leaves beautiful ones.” If I’m reading the astrological omens correctly, Aries, you’re scheduled to receive at least one of the beautiful kind of scars in the coming months -- maybe even two or three. In fact, I think they’ll be such lovely booboos that they will markedly add to your overall attractiveness. Rarely if ever have you been privileged to hurt as good as you will in 2010 -- thanks to the benevolent jolts of love. Happy Valentine Daze!
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
In my view, 2010 is the year you should expand your world. That could mean enlarging your circle of allies or building a bigger web of connections. It might mean broadening your appeal or widening your frame of reference or opening your mind to possibilities you’ve been closed to. It may even involve extending your territory or increasing the range of your travels. However you choose to expand, Taurus, I urge you to put love at the heart of your efforts. Love should be the fuel that motivates you and the reference point that ensures you’re always making smart moves. For inspiration, memorize this line by poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning: “I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach.” In your case, Taurus, “thee” should mean the whole world.
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Of all the signs of the zodiac, you Geminis are most likely to thrive if you experiment with new approaches to kissing in the coming weeks. To whip up your fervor, read incendiary texts like William Cane’s The Art of Kissing. Conspire with an imaginative partner to conjure up a new kissing game or even a sacred kissing ritual. And come up with your own interpretations of the following kiss techniques: the throbbing kiss, the sip kiss, the butterfly kiss, the tiger kiss, the whispering kiss. Happy Valentine Daze! Happy Valentine Daze, Cancerian! After meditating about what advice would be most valuable for your love life in the coming months, I decided on this challenge from poet William Butler Yeats: “True love is a discipline in which each divines the secret self of the other and refuses to believe in the mere daily self.” In other words, create in your imagination a detailed picture of your loved ones at their best. Each day, make it a point to feel joy and gratitude for their most excellent beauty and power -- as well as the beauty and power that are still ripening and will one day appear in full bloom.
LEO
(July 23-Aug. 22)
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
To prepare your Valentine horoscope, I did a lengthy meditation on your love life. I wish I could offer you a 20-page treatise on my conclusions, but there’s not enough room. So instead I’ll give you the single most important piece of advice I came up with: The coming week will be an excellent time for you to survey the history of your love life, starting with the first moment you ever fell in love. I mean you should actually stream the memories across your mind’s eye as if you were watching a movie. Feel all the feelings roused by each scene, but also try to maintain some objectivity about it all. Watch for recurring themes. Be especially alert for unexpected insights that emerge about the past. And through it all, be wildly compassionate toward yourself and your co-stars.
CAPRICORN
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
PISCES
LIBRA
(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
buzz
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“If I love you, what business is it of yours?” wrote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Now I’m offering his words for you to use as your mantra in the coming months. Your main job, as I see it, is simply to be a lover of pretty much everything -- to generate, cultivate, and express love in abundance -- and not to worry about whether your love is reciprocated or how it’s regarded. It’s a tall order, I know -one of the most difficult assignments I’ve ever suggested. And yet I think you have the soul power and the crafty intelligence necessary to accomplish it. Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn!
VIRGO
26
a g r ow t h i n d u s t ry .
Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! After meditating on what advice would best serve your love life, I decided to offer you the words of psychologist Carl Jung: “The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves.” As I see it, my dear, acting on Jung’s wisdom will help you carry out your primary task in the coming months, which is to bring novel experiences and fresh perspectives to your most engaging relationship. The best way to accomplish that is not with non-stop serious talk and intense analysis, but with a generous dose of playful improvisation and experimental fun.
AQUARIUS
Happy Valentine Daze, Libra! My astrological hunch is that you’d benefit from the specific teaching that would come from exploring a three-way relationship. But wait. Don’t
“B u r n s , B a b y , B u r n s ”-- i t ’ s
jump to conclusions. Here’s the form I think it should take: Fantasize that the merger of you and your lover or ally has created a third thing that hovers near you, protecting and guiding the two of you. Call this third thing an angel. Or call it the soul of your connection or the inspirational force of your relationship. Or call it the special work the two of you can accomplish together. And let this magical presence be the third point of your love triangle.
A friend of mine has woven her life together with a Leo who doesn’t fully appreciate the ways she expresses her adoration. She asked me to use my bully pulpit as a horoscope writer to convey a message to her lover, and I agreed, because I think it’s excellent advice for all of the Leo tribe this Valentine season. Here’s what she said: “Just because somebody doesn’t always love you the way you wish they would, doesn’t mean they don’t love you the best they can and with all they have.” Are you willing to consider the possibility that maybe you should take that plea to heart, Leo? I hope so, because then you’ll be able to get some of the good loving you’ve closed yourself off from. Happy Valentine Daze, Virgo! I meditated on what message might best energize your love life, and what I came up with is a declaration by author Mignon McLaughlin: “Love unlocks doors and opens windows that weren’t even there before.” In other words, the love you should be most interested in during the coming months is the kind that opens your eyes to sights that were previously invisible and that creates new possibilities you’ve barely imagined.
by Matt Jones
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Happy Valentine Daze, Aquarius! In my search for the counsel that would be of greatest help to your love life in the coming months, I decided on this observation by psychologist Albert Ellis: “The art of love is largely the art of persistence.” I hope you take that in the spirit in which I’m offering it. It’s not meant to suggest that you will be deprived of love’s burning, churning pleasures; I just want to make sure you know that your best bet for experiencing burning, churning pleasures is to be dogged and devoted and disciplined in your cultivation of burning, churning pleasures. (Feb. 19-March 20)
In 2010, you will have more cosmic assistance than you’ve had in a long time whenever you seek to increase your experience of pleasure. Do you want to get more sensual joy out of eating and drinking and dancing and listening to music? This is your year. Do you want to heighten your perceptiveness and find more beauty in the world and cultivate new ways to stimulate positive feelings and liberating emotions? This is your year. Do you want to intensify your orgasms and have more of them and learn how to use them to enhance your spiritual power? This is your year. And the coming weeks will be one of the best times in 2010 to move from charging up your pleasure to supercharging it. Happy Valentine Daze, Pisces!
Across
1 Pal until the end, for short 4 Lesser-known part of a record 9 Attack your peas with a fork, say 13 Longtime Notre Dame coach Parseghian 14 *Author Isaac who sported enormous white mutton chops 16 Low-impact sound 17 Person from Dakar 19 Actress Moreno 20 Number-picking game 21 *He sported close-cropped sideburns playing Dylan McKay on TV 23 Rope device that can tow a car 26 “The ___ Not for Burning” (1948 comedic play set in the Middle Ages) 27 It’s a genuine article 28 “___ they do that?” 31 That’s a laugh 32 *Flight of the Conchords member with big sideburns 37 Burn quickly 38 *Impersonators grow their sideburns to imitate him 39 Architect Ludwig Mies van der ___ 41 *Motorhead frontman famous for his mutton chops 44 Security measure built into some credit card processors: abbr. 45 “Take ___ a compliment!” 46 Portland-to-Las Vegas dir. 47 It may float over a stadium 50 “___ of Mine” (1991 Genesis song) 52 *Short-lived screen icon who kept his sideburns short 57 Crafts questioned by skeptics 59 Country near the Strait of Hormuz 60 Camden Yards facility 63 “Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes” musical 64 *Charles who had mutton chops before he got older and grew a long white beard 65 Vancouver runner, in 2010 66 Actor Kristofferson
67 Diagnostics 68 Recipe amt.
Down
Solution in Classifieds.
1 Soak in the glory 2 Roll along independently 3 Corporation in 2008 news alongside Freddie Mac 4 Go droopy 5 “This ___ stickup!” 6 It may be in a pickle 7 Australia’s national bird: var. 8 Small grove of trees 9 Some campus figures in the ‘70s 10 Like gamma, in the Greek alphabet 11 Singing cowboy Gene 12 Times to give gifts, briefly 15 Geese formation 18 Mind-boggling time 22 Professor of board games? 24 Actor McBride 25 Apiary offerings 27 Hooker and Maxx 29 Lawrence with a bubble machine 30 607, in Rome 31 He’ll agree to anything 33 Military strength 34 Cheery tune 35 “Hold up just a second!” 36 1980s Saturday morning cartoon characters who lived underwater 40 Before, to poets 42 Team leaders, initially 43 Metric opener 47 Singer with the 2001 album “Vespertine” 48 Worse, like some excuses 49 Singer Coppola 51 Have dinner 53 It coordinates the USAF and USN 54 Part of QED 55 Suffix with million 56 “___ the perfect time!” 58 Pass over 61 Wasted 62 Nav. rank
the217.com february 11 - 17, 2010
I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a closet.
AND ANOTHER THING ...
by MICHAEL COULTER
Stick that where? Sex education in the pre-Internet age In last week’s column I wrote buying pornography books from the pool hall. It about sexting. You know, sort of worked. I quickly became aware of what sending sexy words and im- the vagina looked like, and I could at least find it ages over a cell phone. After on a map. Bonus. it was submitted, I found out Some of those books we traded back and forth this week was the special Sex were actually sort of graphic. I discovered that all Issue in buzz. Thus, I’m writ- men who have intercourse are mustached and purse ing two columns in a row about sex. I have to say, their lips almost constantly. I also discovered that another sex column is probably exponentially more only trashy, sad looking women have intercourse interesting than some of the other crap I could write with these men. The women, by the way, were also about, but still. It’s weird, I can joke about sex all often mustached. Looking at the pictures, the act day long, but I think the joy that comes because it of sex never particularly looked like fun, but still, sort of still feels like I’m doing something wrong. for some reason I couldn’t wait to try it myself. My Talking, or even writing, about sex just isn’t the biggest problem was growing a mustache. After all that valuable sex learning, we were on easiest thing in the world. I guess some guys just our own for a few more years. The first time I accan’t be Henry Miller. I think a lot of the problem comes from how I learned about sex. As a After a few questions that didn’t really little kid, the topic just never came require an answer, my friend Mark up around the house. I was never once at dinner with the folks sucking made a sincere inquiry about the merits down some tuna and noodle casserole when someone decided to of cunnilingus. The teacher/coach change the conversation to some- immediately explained that this wasn’t thing about the missionary position, vulvas or even fisting. Sure, my dad a class in technique but instead a often talked about things being in requirement from the school board. peoples’ asses, but he was mostly referring to my head being up my own. I’m not tually had a sex education class was when I was a upset about the lack of sex talk. In fact, even now, sophomore in high school. It was actually half of a class since it was lumped in with driver’s ed. This I’m sort of grateful. I mostly found out about sex from the other was several days late and several dollars short for kids at school. I was using that pesky f-word long many in the class, but it did give us an opportubefore I knew what it actually ment. I think I was nity to giggle uncontrollably for an hour a day. The in third grade before I even had it explained to teacher was also the football coach, and though he me in any way. Even then, it was explained very may have been well versed in the ways of love, it poorly. Some kid, whose name I think was Wen- quickly became apparent that he had no interest in dell, told a group of us fellas that girls had some sharing that with the rest of us. He decided to open sort of weird hole where boys’ belly buttons are. the floor up to questions on the very first day, which If you ever inserted your penis into this hole, even was a risky decision to say the least. Every raised accidentally, a baby would come out almost im- hand was greeted with a wave of hilarity. After a few questions that didn’t really require mediately afterwards. I was confused and more than just a little re- an answer, my friend Mark made a sincere inquiry pulsed. I’m not sure if Wendell was repulsed or about the merits of cunnilingus. The teacher/ not, but he was definitely confused. Anatomy coach immediately explained that this wasn’t a and gestation periods were apparently not class in technique but instead a requirement from taught to us for another few years. Either way, the school board. That was the end of question after that inept conversation, sex was all I could time, and the rest of the year consisted of looking think about. I found myself staring at the belly at diagrams in our textbooks and not making eye button of every female I encountered, trying to contact with the teacher. Some of those pictures sense some visual image through the fabric. The in the textbook were more disturbing than the imagination can be a really creepy thing at that ones in the porn magazines we still looked at. age. Actually, it still is. At least nowadays I know It was around this juncture when I realized to look a little lower. there wasn’t going to be much talking about sex, Sometime in 6th or 7th grade I actually kissed ever. Oh, I talk about it with the guys now, but it’s a girl. It made me feel funny and I immediately mostly in a joking way. There has never been a wanted to see her belly button. This request was moment still where I think I know everything there only one of the reasons it was such a short-lived is to know. It’s tough to learn by information and relationship. At this time in my life, it would have misinformation over a period of many years. It’d been perfect to have some sort of sex education probably be much easier to just give up. It’s just class. Since none were offered, we all just started that the unknown is so damn fascinating. buzz
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February 11 - 17, 2010
the217.com
Prop Bags for the MOVIE portion will be available for purchase at the Canopy Club. For the safety of actors and audience, OUTSIDE PROPS ARE STRICTLY PROHIBITED!! Please never throw items at the stage or at performers.
NOt surE what tO dO wIth yOur PrOP Bag? hErE’s a quICk ruNdOwN: rICE At the beginning of the film is the wedding of Ralph Hapschatt and Betty Munroe. As the newlyweds exit the church, you should throw the rice along with the on-screen wedding guests. squIrt guNs During the song “Over at the Frankenstein Place” ACTION: Simulate Rainstorm NEwsPaPEr “Over at the Frankenstein Place” ACTION: Put over your head when Brad and Janet do CEll PhONE “Over at the Frankenstein Place” ACTION: Wave during “There’s a light...” chorus thE glOVE The Laboratory Scene ACTION: When Frank puts on and snaps his gloves, do the same! NOIsEMakErs At the end of the creation speech, the Transylvanians respond with applause and noisemakers. ACTION: You should do the same. CONfEttI “In Just Seven Days I Can Make You A Man” ACTION: Throw when Frank and Rocky walk down the aisle. tOIlEt PaPEr When Riff Raff says “Master, we have a visitor” and Brad says “Great Scott!” ACTION: Throw your “Scott” tissue. tOast When Frank proposes a toast at dinner. ACTION: Throw toast into the air! Party hat ACTION: At the dinner table, when Frank puts on a party hat, you should do the same. BEll “Planet Schmanet Janet” ACTION: Ring the bell when Frank sings “Did you hear a bell ring?” PlayINg Cards “I’m Going Home” ACTION: Throw when Frank sings “Cards for sorrow, cards for pain...” Talk-Back lines or Ad-Libs can be used to add to the Rocky experience, but please don’t try to shout down other people or the performers.
thEsE lINEs shOuld gEt yOu startEd. thEy shOuld BE saId whEN yOu sEE thE rEsPECtIVE CharaCtErs ON sCrEEN. Brad MajOrs- “Asshole” jaNEt wEIss - “Slut” NarratOr - “Boring!”, “ Where’s Your Neck?”
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