Buzz Magazine: Dec. 15, 2011 by Buzz Magazine

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week of December 15, 2011

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VOL9 NO48

DECEMBER 15, 2011

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IN THIS ISSUE 7

HOLIDAY MEMORIES What’s your fondest experience?

CHRISTMAS SPIRITS

Shots for all twelve days

THE NUTCRACKER

Game Lounge Packages

Package #1 : The rental of the Wii and PS3 $8 per hour, limit two hours Package #2 : Rent the Wii and PS3 for four hours for up to ten people with two large 1 topping pizzas from Dominos and two 2liter of soda. All for $60.

FREE wi-fi iPad and PS3 Rentals One of the best study lounges on campus

Open Monday - Friday 7am - 9pm

ON HANUKKAH

BIG BANG 6 ON READBUZZ.COM COMMUNITY Few things are worse than going to the DMV to get a new license. But on your 21st birthday, it’s a must. Avani discusses that dreaded experience in her column, online this weekend!

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT Go online and check out our new column that offers a behind-the-scenes look at the Marching Illini.

FOOD & DRINK Expect new food and drink columns with the new year! They will all be found on readbuzz.com!

MOVIES & TV We’re going to keep talking about movies on the Internet this break. Check it out, doofus.

MUSIC

51 E. Green St. Champaign (217) 778-0005 Billboard Debased: go online this week to better understand how the Billboard Top 100 chart determines its list. buzz

Jewish students share their opinions

Brew Your Own $1 Coffee and Tea

Coming soon to Krannert

CALENDAR

Your guide to this week’s events in CU

EDITOR’S NOTE DYLAN SUTCLIFF

As soon as the holiday season starts rearing its head, I can’t help but get excited. A month off from school in which my priorities are as follows: comic books, sleeping in, Snuggies and sledding. But, of course, during every one of these activities is a consistent Christmas-themed soundtrack. Something not too many people in CU know is that I used to sing A LOT in high school and because of this, I know about a million Christmas songs. I was part of the elite group of idiots that walked around in Elizabethan garb and made old people believe in young people/life again called Madrigals. As a result, I’m kind of a Christmas music snob. Traditional Christmas music simply doesn’t do it for me. Singing the songs in anywhere from 8-16 part harmony was kind of my peak of holiday enjoyment, so whenever 92.5 THE CHIEF begins playing “Santa Baby” seventy times a day, it really starts getting on my nerves. But it’s not just the radio — beginning in November, it seems like every store busts out a 12-song playlist of holiday-themed music. That’s too early. I can see only two outcomes from this irresponsible use of Christmas music: either the employees/radio DJ’s don’t make it to Christmas, or by the time the holiday does come around, they have been so immersed in the “spirit” that they essentially become brainwashed. This can cause a pretty hard crash on Dec. 26, as they are junkies for “Jingle Bells.” As a normal human being, I start listening once December comes around. For the most part, this consists of Sufjan Stevens’s Christmas EPs, which in total contains 57 tracks of both original and traditional Christmas songs. I also dip into TransSiberian Orchestra along with a few key tracks like Julian Casablancas’ rendition of “I Wish it Was Christmas Today” and John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over),” to name a few. Instead of overloading me with cheer/anger, these tracks actually get me excited for Christmas. Every time I hear them, I think about how many pairs of socks I’m going to find under the tree (I need socks so badly) and get a warm feeling in my heart and feet. I hope everyone has as good of a December as I plan to. Happy Holidays!

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HOLIDAY HAPPENINGS by Amy Harwath

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BUZZ STAFF

Congratulations! Finals are (almost) over, and now it’s time for winter break. Time to go home to our families and friends, relax our brains and slug out on the couch while watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians. But if you’re stuck in Champaign-Urbana for the next few days, or if you live here, there are plenty of winter activities to do here. If you’re looking for something to do to raise your holiday spirits, check out some of these local events! Hardy’s Reindeer Ranch, at 1356 County Road 2900 N. in Rantoul, is perfect for animal lovers and families. You can go look at all the pretty reindeer before St. Nick straps them on to his sleigh! The ranch is closed on Christmas Day and closes for the season on Dec. 29. For more hours and information, go to its website, www. reindeerranch.com. For the little ones in your family, Santa will still be at Marketplace Mall until Dec. 24. Tell him if you’ve been naughty or nice and all about that Red Ryder BB gun you’ve been dying to get your hands on. This Saturday, Dec. 17 and Sunday, Dec. 18, the U of I Ice Arena will be decorated like a winter wonderland to host its Moonlight Skates. The arena will be open from 1:30-4 p.m. both days and also from 7:30-9:30 p.m. on Saturday. Happy holidays!

COVER DESIGN Michael Zhang EDITOR IN CHIEF Dylan Sutcliff MANAGING EDITOR Peggy Fioretti ART DIRECTOR Olivia La Faire COPY CHIEF Drew Hatcher PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Sean O’Connor IMAGE EDITOR Peggy Fioretti PHOTOGRAPHERS Sean O’Connor DESIGNERS Michael Zhang MUSIC EDITOR Adam Barnett FOOD & DRINK EDITOR Samantha Bakall MOVIES & TV EDITOR Nick Martin ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Tracy Woodley COMMUNITY EDITOR Amy Harwath CU CALENDAR Joyce Famakinwa COPY EDITORS Sarah Alo, Casey McCoy ONLINE EDITOR Emily Siner DISTRIBUTION Brandi and Steve Wills EDITORIAL ADVISER Marissa Monson PUBLISHER Lilyan J. Levant ON THE WEB www.readbuzz.com EMAIL buzz@readbuzz.com WRITE 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 CALL 217.337.3801

We reserve the right to edit submissions. buzz will not publish a letter without the verbal consent of the writer prior to publication date. buzz Magazine is a student-run publication of Illini Media Company and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the University of Illinois administration, faculty or students. © ILLINI MEDIA COMPANY 2011

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TRACY WOODLEY ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR

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» Netflix Instant: Though I’ve been a recipient of Netflix through the mail for a few years, I only recently started watching the movies available for streaming online. It has been a blessing and a curse: though it’s awesome that I can come home and relax and re-watch favorites such as Heathers or Y Tu Mama Tambien without worrying about checking them out from the video store or library, procrastination has become an even bigger problem in my life. Whereas before the main obstructions to my productivity were Facebook (boring) and Twitter (only interesting for a few minutes), I now have to stretch my already weak willpower in order to focus on homework and not watch the rest of Gossip Girl’s fourth season (totally crazy and awesome and sexy). It’s hard. Finals week has been a huge challenge, and I can’t wait until the semester ends and I can find out if Chuck and Blair finally end up together. » The girls of buzz Magazine: You are all great. It’s nice to be on a staff with smart, mature and rational women who also enjoy talking about Ryan Gosling or Sex in the City and taking Cosmo magazine quizzes. The boys are okay, I guess.

DECEMBER 15 - 21, 2011

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SAM BAKALL FOOD AND DRINK EDITOR

GRIPES

» This shitty semester: I don’t know about all ya’ll, but this semester was horrible. And it seems that a lot of the people I’ve talked to have also had an equally shitty semester. The conversation usually goes something like, “Oh, hey! How are you? How’s your semester going?” And the response is, “Horrible. This is the worst semester I’ve ever had.” Sound familiar? Now, the fact that I took 20 hours probably was not the best idea, but I made it through (well, there’s still tomorrow. It could all go down in flames then). Between the papers, essays and readings, I probably did enough work for two people this semester. It was like eating for two, but completely unenjoyable. » Boys: I haven’t had many good experiences with boys this end of the semester. Beginning and middle were great, but I’m losing hope now. Why is it that whenever you’re in a relationship, all the boys wanna holla, but when you’re not, they avoid you like you’ve got the bubonic plague? As they say, you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. So, here’s the remedy for that situation. Text this number: 773.273.1358. Yes, that is my real phone number. I am naturally inquisitive and my favorite food is bacon. I like craft beers (I don’t drink that Keystone shit), cooking dinner instead of socializing and making jokes about the 2012 GOP presidential hopefuls. If you want someone who likes to explore and discuss Harry Potter, I’m your girl.

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buzz

CU Sound off

by Emma Cullen

What is the weirdest place you have ever woken up? Brittany Kapper

Michael Chivers

Lauren Rochman

Ali Sears

Class of 2013

Class of 2012

Class of 2015

class of 2015

“My brother’s girlfriend’s mom’s bed.”

“I fell asleep doing homework in Starbucks and woke up to everyone staring at me.”

“Under a pool table at a random party.”

buzz

“On a train somewhere on the outskirts of Berlin with my wallet and ID’s missing.”

readbuzz.com december 15 - 21, 2011

I ain’t got no soap.

nudity in the line of duty

A night in the route of CUMTD driver Gerald Johnson

by Thomas Thoren “I’ve had a girl and a guy making love on my bus in the back because there’s no one else on the bus at 4 o’clock in the morning. They said, ‘Do you mind?’ I said, ‘No, I don’t mind a show.’” Gerald Johnson sees campus’s most candid moments as an MTD bus driver for the late-night weekend routes of the 220 Illini. Even though his shift ends at 4:52 a.m., it is more entertaining than tiring — like an unpredictable, interactive reality show he watches through two windshield screens. While his job title may simply read “bus driver,” his time spent transporting students throughout campus during the wee hours of the morning makes him a near-certified sociologist, or at the very least an expert people-watcher. By his claims, he has the best stories of any MTD driver after four years on the job. Drunk tales no longer impress such a hardened veteran of campus’s post-2 a.m. circus. “I’ve had frat guys get on my bus. They were in the back with sweats on, and I didn’t think much of it. Then it’s off with their pants, and they had little short shorts — those Daisy Duke shorts — and they had little Daisy Duke cloth shirts on, and they started singing Katy Perry’s song, ‘California Girls.’” One Friday evening had Johnson driving his typical shift from 8:42 p.m. to 4:52 a.m. on top of the overtime he worked beginning at 2 p.m., resulting in a 14-hour day. Even with these long hours, he was unaffected and maintained his amiable demeanor

toward students as they entered and exited the bus. “I’m probably more friendly than a lot of the old guys; they get grumpy in the daytime. I get along with kids here on campus really well.” He said students don’t usually hassle him. Even when they’re drunk, they tend to keep to themselves, or at least as much as is possible while singing loudly and doing other “things they probably wouldn’t do if they were sober.” He has fun with even the belligerent ones looking to use him as their designated driver, but he stays serious about ensuring the safety of his riders, as well as anybody he may see along his route. One common danger to his passengers is when cars pass him at stops and create a collision course with exiting riders. Johnson said he is constantly alert for this problem because “people get hit all the time.” If a car is coming, he honks at passengers to get their attention and hopefully stop them before they enter the passing lane. “I save 15 people’s lives a night just doing that.” His safe practices are part of the larger safety record held by the MTD, which was part of what originally drew him to apply. He began working for the MTD after being laid-off from a Mitsubishi factory in Rantoul after 16 years on the job. He says he enjoys his job because of the MTD’s unparalleled levels of respect between coworkers. Near the completion of his route, Johnson shared more stories. One started with two guys

Gerald Johnson shares his experiences as a bus driver for CUMTD. Photo by Zach Dalzell

who tried to board his bus wearing Halloween costumes that began and ended with hats; another involved a couple having sex at the corner of Fourth and Daniel on the night of his very first Friday shift; there was a shirts vs. skins basketball game that would more accurately be described as socks only vs. skins only; saw “Basic Instinct”-like behavior from a girl wearing a skirt; witnessed the “nightmare” that is Unofficial Saint Patrick’s Day; and freshmen laying in the grass who “are so intoxicated they can’t move.”

If his estimate of 2,000-4,000 riders per night is correct, by the end of his first route, he still has many more people to transport and plenty of potential stories to add to his already extensive library. Though at this point in his career, these might be mere footnotes in his vast encyclopedia of student absurdity. “I could tell you a lot of stories that probably would be rated X by the time I got done with them,” Johnson said. “If they did it, I’ve pretty much seen it.”

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a hit Sitcom in just Five Easy Steps! Week of Fri, Dec. 16 through Thurs. Dec. 22, 2011

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Fri: (5:15), 7:30 PM Sat & Sun: (3:00), (5:15), 7:30 PM Mon & Tue: 7:30 PM |Wed: (5:15), 7:30 PM Thu: 7:30 PM

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (PG-13) 35mm print, $5 admission Fri & Sat: 10:00 PM | Thu: 10:00 PM

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SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (PG-13)

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buzz

buzz explains how The Big Bang Theory became one of TV’s most popular sitcoms by Nick Martin

n the 90s, sitcoms were a sure thing. Proof: 76 million people watched the Seinfeld finale, and the franchise earned 2.7 billion dollars since 2010. Then suddenly, the decade changed. Cable diversified, cheap reality TV got popular, and because of genre-pushers like The Office, critics agreed the multi-camera form was dead. So can anybody answer why the The Big Bang Theory is so popular? Chuck Lorre and his merry band of nerds must have figured something out with around 15 million viewers a week, the ability to outperform every competitor in its time slot, newly minted cable syndication rights and a recent contract renewal extending through 2014. New sitcoms can’t last (i.e. ABC), and experimental sitcoms can’t draw (i.e. NBC); however, the traditional CBS style sitcom seems stronger than ever. That’s because The Big Bang Theory (henceforth, TBBT) relies on familiar half-hour comedy tropes but tweaks convention for the 21st century. 1. OLD SCHOOL! Start Broad, Get Specific: Like campaigning politicians, successful sitcoms aim for “the middle” to avoid confusing and offending everybody. TBBT, like other Chuck BUZZ Lorre shows (Two and a Half Men), uses a multiTHURSDAY camera form over sixty years old. Location is DECEMBER 15 set selection; act established through a small corp note...keep this same size always structure is transitioned by commercial breaks; conflicts are 1 Xresolved 5.417by the episode’s end (or in part two). Since most people are of average 1/8th intelligence, neverpage write a TV show too smart; people like formulaic TV because you can miss an episode or zone out. Don’t get complicated! The central conflict of any given TBBT episode is either: a) “Nerds React Poorly to Normal Things” — Leonard/Sheldon/Raj/Howard are unable to relate to “normal” society; or b) “Stupid People React Poorly to Non-Normal Things” — Penny, or non-male cast member, can’t relate to hyperactive nerdiness. These conflicts become the underlying conceit of every sitcom: humans can’t flourish in all situations, and it’s funniest to watch them flounder. 2. WAVE OF THE FUTURE! Find a Fanbase: “How does a show about theoretical physicists play stupid?” Good question. TBBT both mocks and lauds physicists but mostly confuses them with irony. This is fundamental to TBBT’s success. In today’s fickle television market, successful shows find passionate fan communities with blogs and message boards. So TBBT has jokes about Star Trek, math, Latin, memes, etc. because a sitcom’s individual jokes don’t matter: the form is so established that people know when to laugh implicitly. Only smarty pants critics care about garbage like “dialogue.” TBBT is just average intellect — corny jokes that reaffirm stereotypes like, “Nerds are weird,” “Blondes are dumb,” and “Relationships

are laborious and endlessly complicated”: same shit, different sitcom. The jokes are cake, and the cake is a lie — fan-service tricking nerds into watching a show designed for adults who vote Republican (Middle America!). 3. OLD SCHOOL! Establish Strong Relationships: Critics and fans agree that TBBT’s greatest asset is character development. Lorre and co. understand this, so they rightfully takes things slow. The entire first season minus 2 episodes develops the dynamic of the core characters (Penny/ Leonard/Sheldon); season two explores Raj and Howard and introduces Penny/Leonard “sexual tension”; season three (eventually) resolves the tension and introduces new love interests; season four explores the group’s dynamic (season five’s been a crapshoot thus far). A weaker sitcom sets up those first three arcs in season one: not TBBT. Lorre also casts sitcom staples (Johnny Galecki, Roseanne; Kaley Cuoco, 8 Simple Rules For...) for face recognition and reliability. TBBT only took one big chance; surprisingly, it’s that chance that’s won the show two Emmys. 4. WAVE OF THE FUTURE! Figure Out What’s Working, Then Double It. Let’s face it: Sheldon is the reason people watch this show. I like him; Grandmas in Tulsa like him; parents with autistic children like him (there’s a ton of blogging about Sheldon’s ambiguous mental predicament). Sheldon’s great! A cursory glace at Neilsen numbers and focus groups confirms this. So, the writers recognized it and made Sheldon integral to every episode’s plot (if he’s not the star, he’s providing irreverent commentary). In fact, the writers literally invented a gender-complementary replica Sheldon. Mayim Bialik is Amy Fowler, an intensely intellectual and socially inept neurobiologist who dresses, looks and acts exactly like Sheldon. While Bialik is funny, the character also came after allegations that Sheldon might be gay... and gays don’t play in Middle America. More Sheldon, more money! 5. WAVE OF THE FUTURE! Take advantage of Medias: Did you watch TBBT’s Comic-Con Panel discussion? Because thousands of nerds did. Every month, I see advertisements for syndicated TBBT in my DC comic books. 250K Twitter followers; full-motion bus ads; constant late-night talk show cast appearances: TBBT knows how to diversify its

Buy this soft kitty t-shirt and plushie at thinkgeek.com

demographics. Since practically anyone can watch the show, any advertiser stands to make money from its commercial slots. This, readers, is really why TBBT is successful: it’s Chuck Lorre certified to make money for years and years to come. To conclude, I present The Community CounterArgument. Community went head-to-head with TBBT this season for Thursday night comedy superiority. The outcome: Community is on hiatus, and TBBT is renewed until 2014. Critics love Community! How did this happen?! Perhaps because Community openly mocks baby-boomers, Christians, political correctness and junior college week after week (in fact, the Christmas episode mocked all the aforementioned simultaneously in song while parodying Glee). Or maybe because Community’s central premise is deconstructing sitcom conventions to show their trite staleness and immobility (also their endearing sentimentality, but that’s hard to catch). So it makes sense that Community might get canceled. Middle America doesn’t want change, commentary or convention rejection. Middle America wants the same thing they saw yesterday packaged with slightly sleeker colors.

Now, words about a plush cat: Last month, I got a Soft Kitty shirt and accompanying plushie (pictured here) inspired by, as the press release describes, “the unforgettable TV moment from hit CBS sitcom, TBBT.” Who could forget “Pancake Batter Anomaly” (season 1, episode 11), when Sheldon gets sick and makes Penny sing a motherly lullaby because he has weird Oedipal issues? It’s as iconic as Lucille Ball eating whatever she ate in that show my generation never watched! Regardless, the shirt’s reference is perfect for fans and pop-culture pedantics. Buy one on www.thinkgeek.com for your favorite nerd this Christmas! It also inspired this editorial.

Food

Drink

december 15 - 21, 2011

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THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR! What’s your favorite holiday memory? by Julie Homerding

ith the holiday season in full gear, we asked students what their favorite holiday memory is. » Rachel Pointon, Graduate Student (from Australia): The tour of Chicago I went on in 2006 during Christmas. » Connie Kasmerski, Sophomore, Engineering: Decorating the Christmas tree with my best friend, Carli Smith! » Jake King, Junior, LAS: Seeing my dad drunk off of too many apple pie shots. » Kayur Kurani, Sophomore, LAS: When my friends and I saran-wrapped our friends car on New Year’s Eve with three layers, chocolate syrup and froze it with water. It was -10 degrees outside. » Joe Quass, Sophomore, Business: Last Christmas, an exchange student from Taiwan who lived on my floor spent Christmas with my

family and me. He was all about going to church and was confused when we gave him presents on Christmas morning. His Christmas wish was to go horseback riding. » Hannah Kessler, Junior, ACES: My mom, aunt and cousin always bake sugar cookies together. We’re all in the kitchen together making them. We dye sugar blue for Hanukkah, and everyone loves to eat them. They see the hard work we put in to make them. » Bridget Kahalan, Senior, LAS: In middle school, my friends and I would have a candy making party at one of our friend’s house. We would let the candy cool off in the snow, then put it all in a basket for ourselves. With the extra candy, we would make baskets for the policemen, firemen and paramedics in my town as a Christmas gift and a thank you for working during the holidays. When we all graduated high school, our friend’s mom made us cookbooks with all the recipes in it.

Used with permission from Uncleweed and the Creative Commons

» Frank Chua, Junior, Business: I cook for my family every Christmas. I make a beef dish, a fish dish and of course, a turkey. I burnt the turkey last year because I fell asleep while I was cooking. » Chris Sivak, Freshman, LAS: I went to Florida for

Christmas two years go. I love Florida — it’s awesome and warm. » Jasmine Chapman, Freshman, Engineering: I went skiing and snowboarding last Christmas and New Year with my family.

12 Days of Christmas shots Celebrate the holidays in style by Jordan Ramos We’re all at least a little familiar with the song, even if it’s only the “Five Golden Rings!” part. However, these 12 days of Christmas are slightly different. Trade in turtle doves and partridges in pear trees for vodka and rum, and you’ll have yourself a grand time with your true love (or just friends and family) this holiday season!

Day 8- Blue Diamond 3/4 shot Peppermint Schnapps 3/4 shot Goldschlager Cinnamon Shot

Day 12- Hot Apple Pie Shot 1 part Bacardi Big Apple Rum 1/2 part Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps Graham Cracker Crust Garnish

Day 6- Girl Scout Cookie 1/2 ounce Coffee Liqueur 1/2 ounce Bailey’s 1/2 ounce Peppermint Schnapps

Day 11- Chocolate Amaretto Soufflé 1 part Crème de Cacao 1 part Amaretto 1 part Heavy Cream Layer the ingredients in a shot glass

Day 5- Candy Cane Shooter 1/2 ounce Grenadine 1/2 ounce Crème de Menthe (green or clear) 1/2 ounce Peppermint Schnapps (opposite color of Crème choice) Layer ingredients in order to get the Candy Cane Effect

Day 10- Polar Bear 1/2 ounce White Crème de Cacao 1/2 ounce Peppermint Schnapps Day 9- Eggnog Shot 1 part Brandy 2 parts Eggnog

Day 7- Chocolate Cake 1/2 part Frangelico 1/2 part Vodka Lemon and Sugar Garnish

Day 4- Gingerbread Man 1/2 ounce Bailey’s 1/2 ounce Goldschlager 1/2 ounce Butterscotch Schnapps 1/2 ounce Vodka

Used with permission from Kirti Poddar and the Creative Commons

Day 3- Snowshoe Shooter 3/4 ounce Wild Turkey Bourbon 3/4 ounce Peppermint Schnapps Day 2- Mint Chocolate Shot 3/4 ounce Irish Cream Liqueur 1/2 ounce White Chocolate Liqueur 1/4 ounce Crème de Menthe

Day 1- Flaming Christmas Tree Shooter (Light this one on fire! But be careful!) 1/4 ounce Grenadine 1/2 ounce Crème de Menthe (green) 1/4 ounce Sambuca Pour in a shot glass and light the Sambuca on fire! Enjoy! buzz

MUSIC

Parasol records won’t go out with a “whimper” Join in on its final bang Dec. 17 by Adam Barnett

A row of shiny new LPs at Parasol Records in Urbana. Photo by Jaci Wandell

n Nov. 28 of this year, while aimlessly cruising through Facebook, an update appeared in my instant news feed from Parasol RecordsMailorder’s Facebook page: “After 20-plus years of pulling, packing and shipping orders all over the world, and serving Champaign-Urbana’s music fanatics’ needs locally, we’re sad to announce we’re pressing pause on Parasol Mail Order and our record store. Longtime Parasolarians Roy and Angie will be moving on to other endeavors, while Geoff and Jim will focus on Parasol Label Group’s in-house labels...” Let’s put this message into context. For a record store, most U of I students fail to recognize, Parasol is a pretty big deal. Starting primarily as an out-of-basement distributor of 7” 8

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pop singles in the late 80s and evolving into one of the first mail order record stores in the world (if not the first), Parasol is a name recognized by music connoisseurs around the world. Parasol, located at a cozy, ivy-covered building at 303 W. Griggs St. in Urbana, has served as a label collective, record store and mail-order store for around 20 years. The store itself is notable for its huge, varied collection of new and used vinyl, but it also has a large array of CDs and old issues of pretty interesting magazines. It’s one of those stores where you’ll find yourself digging through the shelves, perusing for something in particular, and you’ll end up finding five records you thought you could only pick up on eBay. According to Label Manager and employee Jim Kelly, Parasol used

to be a sort of “indie music Mecca” back in its heyday, so let’s backtrack a little bit to get a short history of Parasol. Before the ease of digital music, people bought physical product or listened to the radio. Those who listened to the radio and liked a song would be inclined to buy the record on which that song was found. But unless you were in “an awesome college town,” as Kelly put it (typically considered the hubs of independent music and radio), your access to indie and local music was fairly limited. After all, pressing is fairly expensive on a DIY basis. So that’s where Kelly said Parasol found its “niche” as a distributor. After Parasol moved out of founder Geoff Merritt’s basement into a First Street store near the

current location of Dallas and Co, and later to Lynn Street, that’s when Kelly said the distribution and labels took off. Parasol was still largely an internet-based mail order business in an industry mainly based around filling out order forms and catalogs, but according to Kelly, that didn’t stop people from walking in to check out the stock. “People from town who could find us and people visiting would definitely search us out and come downstairs...” Kelly said. “I feel like there was a great period of time there where our selection was fairly unrivaled.” Throughout the 90s and 2000s, business was good, and then digital music saturated the music market. Outside of Champaign-Urbana, scores of independent record stores around the US and the

readbuzz.com december 15 - 21, 2011

If you sell me your soul, I will take you to Iowa.

world started closing due to economic downturn and the shift in the industry from 120-gram vinyl and compact discs to 128-kbps. “With digital having such a high profile over the last five or six years,” Kelly recalled, “that’s where we saw physical product definitely on the wane, both as a label and as a store selling it. As a label, we could do our own digital, and that sort of helped us keep up...” So, Parasol pulled through the first decade of the 2000s with highs and lows, with a small upturn in sales due to the increase in vinyl output and sales over the last few years.

Low-Cal Music

was a year of just trying to collect ourselves and sort out what the future was going to hold, and unfortunately, the store and the mail order didn’t make the cut.” At least the labels will continue to function. Parasol’s label group consists of 11 independent labels: Hidden Agenda, Parasol, Mud, Spur, Reaction, Action Musik, Bird Song, Martians Go Home, Galaxy Gramophone, Arietta and Choo Choo Train, and they each serve a different purpose. For example, Kelly says Parasol Records releases “whatever Geoff [Merritt] feels like putting out.” Mud Records was created to document the CU local rock scene from the early to mid-90s. The label group has put out records from bands like Braid, Sarge and Absinthe Blind, and has even picked up a thing for Swedish bands like Soundtrack of Our Lives over the past few years. Here’s a fun fact: Parasol headed the US release of Peter Bjorn and John’s second album Falling Out before the “Young Folks”-toting Writer’s Block. Kelly said that we can expect several releases at the start of 2012, including some re-releases from local bands out of the 60s and 70s and an Australian electo-rock duo called Black Cab. That’s not the only thing to look forward to, though. Kelly said that instead of going out with a “whimper,” Parasol is going out with a “bang” in the same vein as T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men” (though the connection was not implicit in the quote). On Saturday, Dec. 17, Parasol’s closing day, the store will host an afternoon-long, free, all-ages show featuring various bands from the CU Collective like Evil Tents, Anna Karenina/Anna Karina, DeathTram, Shadows on a River, and Easter.

According to Kelly, the show was scheduled before the closing notice came about, so there were some initial reservations about the event. “Is it right to celebrate the closing?” Kelly asked. “We decided that rather than go out with a whimper, we’d try to go out with a bang and celebrate 20-plus years instead of just crying about it.” While the event is indeed bittersweet, it might not be the last time you walk into the building. Kelly discussed the possibility of donating the space to the CU Collective from time to time. “I’m not ruling out the possibility of the CU Collective maybe being able to use the space that we’re gonna open up here,” Kelly said. “There are not many all-ages venues, and this is one that’s a little more public than somebody’s basement ... but we’ll have to see. That could be me stretching the truth a little bit, but it’d be cool to be able to help them out with shows once in a while.” This is your last chance to buy records from Parasol, though, and at a closing sale of 15% off everything in the store. Kelly also highlighted the possibility of free snacks. Discounted records, free live music and snacks? If that’s not going out with a bang, then Kurt Cobain and Neil Young faded away.

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Photos by James Kyung

“It kept us going, honestly, for the last year or two,” Kelly said. “Someone looking around the Internet for a couple different LPs — well, we stood a very good chance of having those in stock and ready to ship and at a decent price. And we would see two or three generations of vinyl fans. We get the 60-year-old guys pouring through the jazz LPs, but we’d also have 16-year-old kids coming in for the latest Black Lips album or the Bon Iver. Vinyl reasserted itself and definitely has appealed to the next generation of kids coming out.” And Parasol definitely did well with its vinyl while it stocked new releases as well as LPs and 7” from several years ago. So I, like several others, was shocked when Parasol’s message of closure appeared in my Facebook newsfeed. The message with an accompanying frowning emoticon was “shared” 44+ times, while news outlets like Pitchfork spread the message to the public, leaving plenty to wonder, “What happened?” It’s just as you might have expected. Kelly explained that it was mainly a matter of money and division of efforts between the labels and stores. “Our customer base has shrank as digital has come up,” Kelly explained. “And although we got a little bump out of the recent vinyl resurgence, it wasn’t enough to keep us afloat. At the same time, we were also doing a little bit of a battle with the labels’ distributor. So we were spending a lot of time and money sorting that mess out and trying to keep the store and the mail order going, and that ended up with our labels in this past year releasing one release. And in years previous, we would do ten, or fifteen or twenty. So it

Parasol Records 303 W. Griggs St., Urbana what: Whimper vs. Bang Party who: Evil tents, anna karenina, death-

tram, shadows on a river, east cost: free

All natural

by Adam Barnett Who: Anna Karenina/Anna Karina, Mark Wyman, Kayla Brown, Pamela Machala When: Saturday, Dec. 17 @ 9 p.m. Where: Mike ‘N Molly’s Cost: $5

charity, which is definitely warranted nowadays. All proceeds for the concert go to Champaign Crisis Nursery and Parent Wonders of Rantoul, and on top of that good ol’ feeling you get from giving, you can hear some pretty rad music from some of your favorite local bands, too.

It’s one of many holiday and Christmas parties! After the Parasol show satiates your afternoon music hunger, grab some dessert with some more local tunes.

What: Bob Miller Memorial Benefit Who/where: Withershins, That’s No Moon, Harsh, DJ Belly @ Cowboy Monkey DJ Sets by Eyetoadahso, DJ Wesjile, Allspark, Epilep[c] @ Radio Maria When: Thursday, Dec. 15 @ 10 p.m. (Tonight!) Cost: $5 at Cowboy Monkey; free at Radio Maria Ages: 19+

What: WPGU Presents: Operation Santa Benefit Show Who: Isaac Arms, Hathaways, The Palace Flophouse, The Cheaper Hits, Folded Bones When: Friday, Dec. 16 @ 9 p.m. (doors at 8) Where: Cowboy Monkey Cost: $5 donation Operation Santa is one of WPGU’s biggest efforts, and it takes place right in the heart of the holiday season. Yeah, yeah, the holiday season is pretty corny; but it gets people into the spirit of giving and

While I didn’t know Bob Miller, word of mouth tells me he was a great guy, and this event tells me that the community cares deeply about his passing. This is a double-venue event to raise money for the family’s funeral costs, and if there’s anything that can help raise money for a good cause, it’s some good local music. The buzz staff would like to express its condolences to Bob’s family. buzz

arts

entertainment

Mice kings and sugar plum fairies

The C-U ballet puts on a holiday classic

Photo by Dan Merlo. Used with permission from the CU Ballet

by Imani Brooks

o kick off the winter holidays, the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts hosted the annual production of The Nutcracker ballet by the collaboration of the CU Ballet Academy and the Sinfonia da Camera orchestra this past weekend. The winter wonderland adorned the Tryon Festival Theater stage as academy ballet dancers, aspiring ballerinas, and locals took part in this holiday affair. The academy, which was formed in 1998, teaches ballet at the pre-professional level to locals and dancers around Champaign-Urbana and areas such as Mokena, Danville and Kankakee. Currently composed of 30 members, the CU Ballet performed The Nutcracker with a cast made up of local children and adults, students from local middle and high schools, and university students. “The Nutcracker is a tradition in ChampaignUrbana,” CU Ballet producer Tracy McCabe said. “Locals come out to see it every year for the past 14 years.” With dancers of all ages and levels of technique, McCabe said the average dancer practiced about 5-6 days a week and every day as the opening night was approaching. 10

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“We take our dancing very seriously,” McCabe said. “We have exceptional dancers who join professional ballet companies such as the American Ballet Academy. And just last year, two dancers had gone to Houston Ballet and San Francisco Ballet.” Exceptional dancers seen during the performance include Nutcracker and Cavalier Ben Chapman, age 14, who McCabe allowed to play the double roles traditionally assigned to multiple people. “Because of his exceptional talent, we chose that he could showcase these combined roles,” McCabe said. Chapman, who has been involved in CU Ballet for eight years, also has younger siblings Beau, Bella and Bliss perform with him in the show as a mouse, soldier and part of the dragon costume. Dee Chapman, mother of the Chapman family, said the family got involved with The Nutcracker after her oldest daughter Briana, who in the past played character Polly Ann, first saw the production and wanted to get involved. “We came to see the play when our oldest daughter was five years old, and we’ve been a part of The Nutcracker ever since,” Chapman said. “It’s a fantastic experience, a lot of fun.”

Another community tradition is the role of Ferr Drosselmeyer, who plays main character Clara’s magician uncle, to be played by Champaign local and University of Illinois alum Brett Fedderson, who has held the role for the past eight years. “I’ll play the role for as long as they let me,” Fedderson said. “Its just so much fun playing the stoic, misunderstood, magical character.” Along with the Chapman family, Fedderson’s family members also take on roles. Fedderson’s wife plays a rat, and children play a soldier and child at the party in the first Act of the ballet. “The whole experience is a blast. It’s a wonderful experience,” Fedderson said. The ballet, which was originally performed in the Virginia Theatre, began showing at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts after collaborating with the Sinfonia da Camera, which is also affiliated with the University of Illinois’ college of music. The collaboration offers the ballet a unique position of having live music during their Nutcracker performances, which is a privilege most ballet companies can only wish for. “Its very rare to see companies perform to live music because the costs are so expensive,” McCabe said. “In fact, we are one of the few com-

panies in the country to have this opportunity.” The live orchestra not only adds to the sound quality, but also makes the performance more solid by forming the tempo around the dancers instead of the dancers having to keep up with the recorded music. “The live orchestra is great because the conductor is able to tailor the tempo to play with the dramatic actions as presented,” CU Ballet secretary Peggy Pearson said. Conductor Ian Hobson demonstrated his tailoring during The Nutcracker’s dress rehearsal, where he stopped and made the dancers recreate multiple scenes in order for the orchestra to blend perfectly with their actions. Modern special effects and lighting also made this Nutcracker performance a standout show. Special LED panels and effects contributed to the “magic” of the ballet, projecting fantasy-like settings for the backdrop of Clara’s nutcracker dream, huge amounts of cloud-like steam to overflow the stages and fake snow to fall from the ceiling. “We always do something new because we know we have a returning audience,” McCabe said. “We want them to get a new experience of The Nutcracker each year.”

readbuzz.com december 15 - 21, 2011

Say cheese and turn on the TV.

SCROOGE IS BACK! A review of the Goodman Theater’s A Christmas Carol by Syd Slobodnik ike the first snowfall and the first seasonal decorations, Chicago’s Goodman Theatre’s 34th annual production of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is one of the truest signs that the Christmas season has begun. For decades, it remains one of the most consistently entertaining area productions of pure family entertainment. Steve Scott directs the marvelous Larry Yando, who returns to the role after a year’s hiatus to reprise the penny-pinching Ebenezer Scrooge in this always-delightful adaptation of this 1843 fantasy masterpiece of one man’s spiritual redemption. Like the magical glitter sprinkled from the hands of the Ghost of Christmas Present, this year’s production retains much of the past productions’ rich detail of costumes, sets, Victorian carols, festive party dance numbers and an on-stage quartet of musicians. The Tony Award-winning set designer Todd Rosenthal’s Victorian backdrops and Scrooge’s wonderful multi-tiered bedroom and workshop are impressive as usual. This year’s Carol features several notable returning players besides Yando’s delightful Scrooge. Ron Rains’ Bob Cratchit and Penelope Walker’s Ghost of Christmas Present are outstanding. Chicago favorite Ross Lehman returns to the Goodman with his usual comic manner as the ever joyous Mr. Fezziwig. Nathan Hosner’s ghost of Jacob Marley, Elizabeth Ledo’s Ghost of Christmas Past, Joe Minoso’s nephew Fred, and little

Roni Akurati’s Tiny Tim are wonderful new cast additions, too. As an extra note for those interested in the best screen versions of A Christmas Carol: investigate and discover the wonderful 1984 television version, directed by Clive Donner, which starred a terrific George C. Scott as Scrooge; the 1951 British version directed by Brian Desmond-Hurst with Alastair Sim as Scrooge; the 1970 musical version called Scrooge directed by Ronald Neame with Albert Finney as the singing Ebenezer Scrooge. Then there is the updated Scrooged by Richard Donner with Bill Murray as a cheap television executive in this 1988 film. A Christmas Carol runs until New Year’s Eve at the Goodman Theatre, 170 N. Dearborn in the heart of the downtown Loop theater district. For ticket information, contact the Goodman box office at 312 443-3800, or purchase tickets online at www.GoodmanTheatre.org.

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Goodman theater 170 N. Dearborn, CHicago IL what: A Christmas Carol when: November 18 to december 31 TICKETS: contact box office at 312-443-

3800 Used with permission from the Goodman Theater

NOT THE JEWISH CHRISTMAS Jewish students weigh in on the holiday season by Ross White Hanukkah and Christmas are both in December. Yom Kippur and Halloween were both in October; the Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day were both in February. Just because two holidays are in the same month does not mean they are related. However, the overwhelming majority of people get swept up in the holiday season and pool them all together. “Hanukkah is not comparable to Christmas,” explains Claire Fry, a senior in Spanish and Psychology. “People think Hanukkah is the Jewish Christmas. People always ask you what you’re doing for Christmas Break, never what are you doing for Winter Break.” Hanukkah and Christmas do share the unique trait of originally being religious holidays that have morphed into something beyond just religion. Both holidays have grown increasing commercial, and for some, religion plays no part in the celebration.

“Hanukkah has lost some of its meaning. To some people, the main purpose is the gifts,” Peri Axelrod, a sophomore in Education, said. “Basically, it is about the miracle of the oil. The temple was destroyed — there was only enough oil to last for one night, but it lasted eight. It’s like every other Jewish story: we were underprepared, underarmed, but still came out on top. Now, let’s eat!” Even when you are, as Axelrod described herself, “100% Jewish,” trying to celebrate Hanukkah traditions amid the Christmas season frenzy while away from home can be a challenge. “I’m used to it. You see (Christmas decorations) everywhere. I’m not bothered by them,” Axelrod said. “It is difficult (to celebrate) in the dorms because you’re supposed to light the menorah and put it in the window for all to see. But since we’re in the dorms, that’s hard to do. It’d be a major fire hazard.”

Used with permission from David Goehring and the Creative Commons

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readbuzz.com december 15 - 21, 2011

I like you more than my ipad.

The science of the holidays Orpheum hosts a winter wonderland by Krizia Vance

or their second consecutive year, the Orpheum Children’s Science Museum in downtown Champaign is spreading holiday cheer for all the good little boys and girls of Champaign-Urbana with their Snow Globe Saturdays throughout the month of December. The museum’s auditorium is transformed into a winter wonderland complete with winter’s chilly weather and snow. There are an array of activities that children can participate in such as indoor plasma ice sledding, ice hockey, ice fishing in the orchestra pit, snowball throwing and crafts. Hot chocolate and Christmas cookies are also provided. Jessica Beckhart, the museum’s volunteer coordinator, said occasionally they have snow

falling inside the globe along with a DJ playing Christmas music. The magic behind the snow is the snow machine that makes it and the fans that blow it outward which gives the illusion that it is snowing, Beckhart said. Many families have come to the Snow Globe for a fun activity to participate in with their children. Champaign residents Carolyn Randolph and her husband brought their son for the day’s festivities. Her son enjoyed the sledding and the ice fishing where he won a gold coin and fish. “We wanted to have a family outing, and this was one of the few places that offers kid-friendly activities,” Randolph said.

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CALENDAR

DECEMBER 15 - 21, 2011

Complete listing available at

THE217.COM/CALENDAR

SUBMIT YOUR EVENT TO THE CALENDAR: Online: forms available at the217.com/calendar • E-mail: send your notice to calendar@the217.com • Fax: 337-8328, addressed to the217 calendar Snail mail: send printed materials via U.S. Mail to: the217 calendar, Illini Media, 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 • Call: 531-1456 if you have a question or to leave a message about your event.

THURSDAY 15

FRIDAY 16

Art & other exhibits Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Celebrating the King James Bible at 400 Exhibit U of I Main Library, 8:30am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am, Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion,9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion,9am Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion ,9am

Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops

Live music & karaoke

Weekday Orthodox Minyan and Breakfast The Hillel Foundation — The Margie K. and Louis N. Cohen Center for Jewish Life,7:30am

‘Appy Hour Silvercreek, 5:30pm DJ Delayney Highdive,10pm DJ Tommy Williams Chester Street, Live music & 9pm karaoke Friday Night Live Liquid Courage Karaoke Champaign-Urbana Jewish Memphis on Main,9pm Federation, Bentley’s Thursday 6:45pm Night Karaoke Karaoke w/ DJ Bange Bentley’s Pub,3pm Phoenix,9pm DJ Ollie & DJ Hot Saus Decadents & StoneHighdive,10pm Faced: Live at the Canopy Club Mind, body, & spirit Canopy Club, Counseling Center 8pm Among Women Support King’s Highway Live @ Group The Stop Asian American Cultural The Stop, Center,6:30pm 9pm Lunchtime Express Core Groove Avenue with Maggie Taylor Rosebowl Tavern,9pm Amara Yoga & Arts, Mind, body, & spirit 12pm Yarn ‘n Yak Lunchtime Express Rantoul Public Library,7pm Power Flow with Certified Yoga Teacher Movies & theater Amanda Reagan My Antonia Amara Yoga & Arts, The Station Theatre,8pm 12pm 14

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Miscellaneous

Mind, body, & spirit MONDAY 19

Urbana Country Dancers Contra Dance Channing-Murray Foundation, 8pm

Kids Yoga Amara Yoga & Arts,10:30am

Movies & theater My Antonia The Station Theatre, 8pm

Sports, games, & recreation Open Gym Volleyball Champaign County Brookens Administration Center, 5:30pm

SATURDAY 17 Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum ,10am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Live music & karaoke Jazz Music by Panache Jim Gould Restaurant, 7pm Ugly Christmas Sweater Party with Big Bluestem String Band, Tom + Matt Turino, and Black Coffee Fridays Bentley’s Pub, 8pm Rural Route 3 Rosebowl Tavern, 9pm

Miscellaneous Holiday Storytelling with Dan Keding Indi Go Artist Co-op, 6pm

Movies & theater My Antonia The Station Theatre, 8pm

SUNDAY 18 Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA,9am Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main,8am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm

Live music & karaoke English Country Christmas Ball Illini Union, 8pm Open Mic Nite Phoenix,7pm Surreal Deal Rosebowl Tavern, 8:30pm

Miscellaneous Big Homie presents Open Mic Night Phoenix, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Big Dave’s Trivia Cowboy Monkey, 7pm

Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Poetry Workshop Red Herring Coffeehouse, 7:30pm

Live music & karaoke 80’s Night w/ DJ Mingram Highdive, 10pm Abe Froman Project Monday Night Improv/ Rockstar Karaoke Mike ‘n Molly’s, 9pm Electro/Industrial Night Chester Street, 9pm One Dollar Wild Mondays Canopy Club ,10pm MELD: Monday Evening Life Drawing Group McGown Photography, 7pm

Mind, body, & spirit Hatha Yoga with Grace Giorgio Amara Yoga & Arts, 5:30pm

Movies & theater Monday Night Comedy Illini Union, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Bingo Night Memphis on Main, 10pm

TUESDAY 20 Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am

Israeli Movie Club Hillel Foundation - The Margie K. and Louis N. Cohen Center for Jewish Life,7pm Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12pm Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Revive, Restore, Relax: Weston Wellness Weston Residence Hall, 3pm Slow Flow Yoga with Amanda Reagan Amara Yoga & Arts, 5:30pm

Live music & karaoke DJ Hot Saus Highdive ,10pm RockStarz KaraokePresented by 3L Entertainment The Corner Tavern, 8pm RockStarz KaraokePresented by 3L Entertainment Bentley’s Pub, 10pm Rockstarz Karaoke Chester Street, 10pm Dueling Guitars at Jupiters/Crossing Jupiter’s II, 8pm Open Mic Night Cowboy Monkey ,10pm The Piano Man Canopy Club, 9pm

Miscellaneous Man UP (Men’s Support/Social Group) Activities and Recreation Center (ARC), 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Trivia Tuesdays Memphis on Main, 7pm Nomad SF Book Club Champaign Public Library, 7pm

WEDNESDAY 21 Art & other exhibits Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba! Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Cafe Ivrit Espresso Royale, 7pm

Classes, lectures, & workshops Storyshop at the Branch Douglass Branch Library, 10:30am

Live music & karaoke Salsa Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 10pm Donnie Heitler -- Solo Piano Great Impasta, 6pm

Open Mic Nite Phoenix, 7pm Coyote Ugly Night w/ DJ Stifler Highdive, 9pm DJ Tommy Williams Chester Street, 9pm

Mind, body, & spirit Canterbury Student Association Supper St. John the Divine Episcopal Church, 5:45pm Bible and Brew St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church and Campus Center,8pm Miscellaneous Open Mic Comedy Night Memphis on Main, 9pm Remarkable Reptiles Homer Lake Interpretive Center, 1pm Tango Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 7:30pm

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readbuzz.com december 15 - 21, 2011

You must be my lover.

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES

March 21-April 19

Jim Moran (1908-1999) called himself a publicist, but I regard him as a pioneer performance artist. At various times in his colorful career, he led a bull through a china shop in New York City, changed horses in midstream in Nevada’s Truckee River, and looked for a needle in a haystack until he found it. You might want to draw inspiration from his work in the coming weeks, Aries. You will not only have a knack for mutating cliches and scrambling conventional wisdom. In doing so, you could also pull off feats that might seem improbable.

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

One possible way to tap into the current cosmic opportunities would be to seek out storegasms -the ecstatic feelings released while exercising one’s buyological urges in consumer temples crammed with an obscene abundance of colorful material goods. But I advise you against doing that. It wouldn’t be a very creative solution to the epic yearnings that are welling up in your down-below-and-deep-inside parts. Instead, I offer a potentially far more satisfying recommendation: Routinely maneuver yourself into positions where your primal self will be filled up with sublime wonder, mysterious beauty, and smart love.

GEMINI

May 21-June 20

I’m not an either-or type of person. I don’t think that there are just two sides of every story and that you have to align yourself with one or the other. That’s one reason why, as an America voter, I reject the idea that I must either sympathize with the goals of the Democratic Party or the Republican Party. It’s also why I’m bored by the trumped-up squabble between the atheists and the fundamentalist Christians, and the predictable arguments between dogmatic cynics and fanatical optimists. I urge you to try my approach in the coming weeks, Gemini. Find a third way between any two sides that tend to divide the world into Us against Them.

CANCER

June 21-July 22

No one actually looks like the retouched images of the seemingly perfect people in sexy ads. It’s impossible to be that flawless, with no wrinkles, blemishes, and scars. Acknowledging this fact, the iconic supermodel Cindy Crawford once said, “I wish I looked like Cindy Crawford.” Our unconscious inclination to compare ourselves to such unrealistic ideals is the source of a lot of mischief in our lives. Your assignment in the coming week, Cancerian, is to divest yourself, as much as possible, of all standards of perfection that alienate you from yourself or cause you to feel shame about who you really are.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

Barney Oldfield (1878-1946) was a pioneer car racer who was the first ever to run a 100-mile-per-hour lap at the Indianapolis 500. He was a much better driver while setting speed records and beating other cars on racetracks than he was at moseying through regular street traffic. Why? He said he couldn’t think clearly if he was traveling at less than 100 miles per hour. I suspect you may temporarily have a similar quirk, Leo -- not in the way you drive but rather in the way you live and work and play. To achieve maximum lucidity, you may have to be moving pretty fast.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Back in August 2010, there was an 11-day traffic snarl on a Chinese highway. At one point the stuck vehicles stretched for 60 miles and inched along at the rate of a mile per day. In that light, your current jam isn’t so bad. It may be true that your progress has been glacial lately, but at least you’ve had a bed to sleep in and a bathroom to use, which is more than can be said for the stranded Chinese motorists and truck drivers. Plus I’m predicting that your own personal jam is going to disperse sometime in the next few days. Be prepped and ready to rumble on.

December 15 – 21, 2011

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

jone sin’

by Matt Jones

“Art Colony”--wear your work proudly.

Here’s a joke from Woody Allen’s movie Annie Hall: “Two elderly women are in a Catskills Mountain resort and one of them says: ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know -- and such small portions.’” Is it possible you’re acting like the second woman, Libra? Are you being influenced to find fault with something that you actually kind of like? Are you ignoring your own preferences simply because you think it might help you to be close to those whose preferences are different? I urge you not to do that in the coming week. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, it’s very important that you know how you feel and stay true to your feelings.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

The Los Angeles school district dramatically downgraded the role that homework plays in the life of its students. Beginning this fall, the assignments kids do after school account for only 10 percent of their final grade. As far as you’re concerned, Scorpio, that’s not a good trend to follow. In fact, I think you should go in the opposite direction. During the enhanced learning phase you’re now entering, your homework will be more important than ever. In order to take full advantage of the rich educational opportunities that will be flowing your way, you should do lots of research, think hard about what it all means, and in general be very well-prepared. The period between late 2011 and early 2012 is homework time for you.

The Amazon is the second longest river in the world, and has such a voluminous flow that it comprises 20 percent of all river water in the world. And yet there is not a single bridge that crosses it. I love that fact. It comforts and inspires me to know that humans have not conquered this natural wonder. Which leads me to my advice for you this week, Sagittarius. Please consider keeping the wild part of you wild. It’s certainly not at all crucial for you to civilize it. Emotion is the resource we treasure when we’re young, says poet Naomi Shihab Nye, but eventually what we thrive on even more is energy. “Energy is everything,” she says, “not emotion.” And where does energy come from? Often, from juxtaposition, says Nye. “Rubbing happy and sad together creates energy; rubbing one image against another.” That’s what she loves about being a poet. Her specialty is to conjure magic through juxtaposition. “Our brains are desperate for that kind of energy,” she concludes. I mention this, Capricorn, because the coming weeks will be prime time for you to drum up the vigor and vitality that come from mixing and melding and merging, particularly in unexpected or uncommon ways.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

Studies show that if you’re sharing a meal with one other person, you’re likely to eat up to 35 percent more food than if you’re dining alone. If you sit down at the table with four companions, you’ll probably devour 75 percent extra, and if you’re with a party of eight, your consumption may double. As I contemplate your horoscope, these facts give me pause. While I do suspect you will benefit from socializing more intensely and prolifically, I also think it’ll be important to raise your commitment to your own physical health. Can you figure out a way to do both, please?

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

“Were it not for the leaping and twinkling of the soul,” said psychologist Carl Jung, “human beings would rot away in their greatest passion, idleness.” To that edgy observation I would add this corollary: One of the greatest and most secret forms of idleness comes from being endlessly busy at unimportant tasks. If you are way too wrapped up in doing a thousand little things that have nothing to do with your life’s primary mission, you are, in my opinion, profoundly idle. All the above is prelude for the climactic advice of this week’s horoscope, which goes as follows: Give everything you have to stimulate the leaping and twinkling of your soul.

Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.

Across

1 Drum from India 6 In a bygone time 9 Lithuania, once: abbr. 12 Erotic diarist Nin 13 Camera output, slangily 14 Bridge material 16 Demand that Kissinger squeal like a pig? 18 What things could always be 19 Judged 20 Joint 21 Melville character 23 Learn about all things rosycolored? 25 Lean and muscular 27 Put in one’s piehole 28 Body part that may be “on the line” 29 Time Warner launch of 1996 30 Gross-looking delicacy 32 Where 16-across, 23-across, 46-across and 55-across all got their work done 38 Finds work for 39 Hill of the Clarence Thomas scandal 41 Cash cow, so to speak 44 Holy folk, for short 45 Shellfish considered an aphrodisiac 46 Do the nasty with Jeter? 50 Flour measurements

51 Rapper’s greeting 52 Japanese historical period that ended in 1868 54 Creed lead singer Scott ___ 55 Ice skating area that’s totally green? 58 Conversational switch 59 Title for a Khan 60 Singer Cruz 61 Noise 62 Printer’s measures 63 “I put a spell ___...”

Down

1 Concept embodying yin and yang 2 Folk singer DiFranco 3 Biker’s headwear: var. 4 Favor over other options 5 Tennis legend Arthur 6 It may cause snoring 7 Braces (for) 8 Acne-fighting brand 9 Bend down low 10 Novak Djokovic’s country 11 Varnish ingredients 14 Said some bad words 15 Shallot relatives 17 One of many for “Mad Men” 20 Put off 21 Cameraman’s certification, for short

22 Help breaking into a puzzle 24 “Save the ___” (breast cancer awareness phrase) 26 Ability to say clever things 30 One’s homies 31 Mimic 33 Show up 34 Put (down) 35 Like duos Dharma & Greg or Mike & Molly 36 In a traditional way 37 Rung 40 “___ Poetica” 41 Deep hole 42 Played the horn 43 “The Karate Kid” guy who catches flies with chopsticks 44 Online call service 45 “All right, I get it already!” 47 “___ intended” 48 Sit on the throne 49 Krabappel and Ferber 53 Kitchen gadget and cookware company 55 Singer Corinne Bailey ___ 56 Mark Tatulli comic strip 57 Former “Survivor” contestant ___-Man Chan

buzz

december 15 - 21, 2011

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AND ANOTHER THING ...

by MICHAEL COULTER

spoiler alert Coulter’s take on a classic The best part of the holiday season is all the special shows on TV that are Christmas traditions. Charlie Brown’s Sad Assed Little Christmas Tree, Rudolph’s Tortured Nose, and Miracle on 34th Street have all been tossed aside by me. I really laugh every time Elf is on, which is every five minutes, but other than that, I seldom take the time to watch much of the Christmas fare. I once had a bad reaction to Frosty the Snowman melting and cried so hard because I was never aware that he actually would come back to life some day. Little kids are often theatrical. Either way, settle in and I’ll try to save you a couple of hours of time by reviewing the most classic of the classics.

Clarence, the angel. Clarence strikes me as stunningly incompetent for an angel. If you go by this movie, the staff of heaven is only slightly more tolerable than the Department of Motor Vehicles. Anyway, they give him a review of George’s life so far. As a child, he fell through the ice to save his younger brother and as a result lost hearing in one of his ears. He worked at a pharmacy and kept his old rat bastard boss from sending poison to one of his customers. For his trouble, the old man smacked the shit out of him. He longed to travel but couldn’t because he had to take over the Building and Loan. As you can see, a better title would have been, “Holy Jesus, That’s One Craptastic Life.” George’s uncle Billy is a complete dipshit who couldn’t remember his freaking name if it was tattooed on the inside of his eyelids. I George decides that the only know we’re supposed to feel compassion sensible thing to do is take his own for him, but the guy drives me freaking crazy. I truly want to beat the piss out of life. Actually, the only sensible thing him every time he comes on the screen. There are always crows following him to do would be to knock the holy around, which is never a good sign. Rehell out of Uncle Billy and then pimp gardless, the jagoff uncle loses George’s deposit, and now George is in a world of his ass out to deviants until the financial hurt. debt was paid off, but hey, it’s not With his entire world going to hell in a hand basket, George decides that the that sort of movie. only sensible thing to do is take his own life. Actually, the only sensible thing to I’m speaking, of course, about It’s a Wonderful do would be to knock the holy hell out of Uncle Life. I used to have a bit of an obsession with this Billy and then pimp his ass out to deviants until movie. It’s a lovely story about a man who finds the debt was paid off, but hey, it’s not that sort of out how special of a person he is and how many movie. Before George can kill himself, he is given lives he has affected. This all happens when he a suicide respite by the angel named Clarence. Clarence shows George how much sadder the tries to kill himself and is shown what the world would be like without him by an angel. His world world would be without his sacrifice. At this point, would be full of despair, we learn, if he hadn’t been a sensible man would have said, “Screw this, man. around. Frank Capra directed it, but with a couple I’m tired of kissing everyone’s ass.” Instead, he of tweaks and a less happy ending, it could have returns home where the community comes toeasily been Lars Von Trier. gether and gives him money to avoid forecloThe film begins with George Bailey, who is sure for another month. No one mentions what played by Jimmy Stewart. He’s a fine sort of fel- happens when the January payment comes due low who really tries to help others. This sort of and the neighbors aren’t feeling quite as generworks out for him, but for the most part, it really ous, but for the time being, it’s all good. Clarence doesn’t. Jimmy Stewart is a beloved actor, and gets his wings, I assume Jimmy Stewart gets all he is very comfortable in this role. He is married up on Donna Reed, and Uncle Billy lives to dick to Donna Reed, who is totally bangable in this something up again. I usually end up crying and vehicle. She’s the kind of hot where a guy would then later feel good about everything. This lasts watch the whole movie, even if it sucked, just to roughly as long as it takes for me to encounter look at her. She plays a devoted wife who should an actual person. have slapped some sense into her sucker assed So there you have it, the Cliff Notes version of husband a long time ago. what I can remember. Honestly, it’s a great movie, Anyway, George runs a savings and loan com- and just thinking about it makes me really want to pany. It appears he mostly loans instead of saves, watch it again. It’s just that I’m older and probably but whatever. He’s in trouble, and the prayers of far more cynical now, so it’d be interesting to see his friends and family manage to reach heaven, how I react to it these days. I bet it’d still make me where they are heard by a couple of angels who feel all warm inside — you know, after it had made decide to help George out by giving his case to me feel terrible about everything. 16

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