Buzz Magazine: Dec. 22, 2011

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Champaign-Urbana’s community magazine FREE

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week of December 22, 2011

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buzz

VOL9 NO49

DECEMBER 22, 2011

w eekly

IN THIS ISSUE BEFORE YOU DIE...

4

buzz’s bucket list

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

7

Brunch in the CU

ELIZABETH REX

10

Chicago Shakespeare review

PLAYING ROUGH

10

“Gruesome Playground Injuries” at Station Theatre

HUMBUG 6 ON READBUZZ.COM COMMUNITY Emma’s got you covered for all your fashion flubs and fortunes. Read her column online!

MUSIC Check out a new Records We Missed on Teenage Fanclub’s Bandwagonesque, along with a new Records We Dissed and a new Playlist.

MOVIES & TV Check out all our sweet crime analysis in our crime columns this week!

FOOD & DRINK What is your favorite holiday memory? Favorite cold weather food? New Year’s resolution? Check out readbuzz.com, and see what the Food and Drink writers had to say!

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Check out theater and book reviews as well as profiles of local artists on the Arts tab of readbuzz.com!

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buzz

CALENDAR

12

Your guide to this week’s events in CU

EDITOR’S NOTE DYLAN SUTCLIFF

A fair warning to our three readers: this is our double issue, meaning that Thursday, Dec. 29, buzz will not be printed. Buzz publishes 51 weeks a year, leaving one week of rest from our office on 512 E. Green.

If you’re worried about what to do this New Year’s Eve, fear not! We’ve got that covered this week with show previews, drink concoctions and other fun ways to ring in the New Year.

New Year’s Eve is one of the only celebrations that actually makes sense. Under scrutiny, most holidays come down to either religious celebrations or corporate attempts at selling the public a certain color (Valentine’s Day: pink; Christmas: green; July 4: red, white, blue) or both; but New Year’s is a celebration of the fact that we have succeeded in living one more year.

That makes sense to me! I’m not religious or particularly fond of colors, but I can sure as hell get behind a party to congratulate my heart for continuing to beat.

Everyone is in the best mood on New Year’s, also.

When I was a kid, I never really understood New Year’s. My sister and I would accompany our parents to one of their friend’s houses and get bored by 10; however, I did notice the adults’ excitement build gradually as the night progressed. The ball in New York dropped at 11, and everyone would celebrate with drinks and hugs. Then an hour later, they would do it again without the ball. Speech would slur, and my parents’ friends would pinch/ kiss me a little harder than they meant to, but everyone was having a good time.

I think my favorite New Year’s was two years ago when my friends and I went to Wisconsin to see Spoon play. The show itself was fun, but the best part was that I kissed some cute 25-year-old girls, and they invited us to come to the bars with them after the show. I informed them that I was 19 and that they were, in fact, cougars (they argued the use of cougar, and we agreed they were closer to pumas) and that we could not go to the bars with them.

My friends and I headed back to our hotel where a random dude knocked on our door, invited himself in and talked to us about Brittany Spears and cocaine for about an hour and a half. I hope that magical night can be repeated.

readbuzz.com december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

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NICK MARTIN MOVIES & TV EDITOR

TALK TO BUZZ

buzz staff

Cover Design Olivia La Faire Editor in Chief Dylan Sutcliff Managing Editor Peggy Fioretti Art Director Olivia La Faire Copy Chief Drew Hatcher Photography Editor Sean O’Connor Image Editor Peggy Fioretti Photographers Sean O’Connor Designers Lucas Albrecht, Michael Zhang, Tyler Schmidt Music Editor Adam Barnett Food & Drink Editor Samantha Bakall Movies & tv Editor Nick Martin Arts & entertainment Editor Tracy Woodley Community Editor Amy Harwath CU Calendar Joyce Famakinwa Copy Editors Sarah Alo, Casey McCoy online editor Emily Siner Distribution Brandi and Steve Wills EDITORIAL ADVISER Marissa Monson Publisher Lilyan J. Levant On the Web www.readbuzz.com Email buzz@readbuzz.com Write 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 CALL 217.337.3801

We reserve the right to edit submissions. buzz will not publish a letter without the verbal consent of the writer prior to publication date. buzz Magazine is a student-run publication of Illini Media Company and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the University of Illinois administration, faculty or students.

» 69!: Weird fetishes aside, I still appreciate the simple sexual euphemisms. Something everybody gets, something easy to yell, something easy to laugh at: 69! As a 21-year-old adult, I still laugh every time I hear the number. On Monday, I read, “Kim Jong Il dead at 69,” literally lol’d and immediately made a facebook status about it (“Kim Jong Il died how he lived: 69!”).

I’ve thought 69 was funny since I was ten. In Billy Madison, when the teacher says, “Turn to page 69,” Sandler cracks up laughing: I knew that had to be the funniest inside joke in the world.

I don’t have brothers or sisters, so I asked my parents what it meant, and they said they didn’t know (fucking bullshit, they totally did; however, justified lie). When I eventually found out it the definition at 12, “double blowie,” I realized its hilarity. At 18, when it was redefined as, “the thing you do sometimes when you’re drunk, but only for a couple minutes because it hurts my neck,” I confirmed it’s hilarity. It’s the best! It’s useful!

It’s fun!l Yell it out of moving cars: 69!

days in a week

Weeks in a year.

ThEre are

52

days

365

» ANR/ABF - My Craigslist traverse led me to a most peculiar (aforementioned) acronym: adult-nursing-relationship/adult-breastfeeding. Urban Dictionary defines the fetish, “ a relationship involving sucking milk from the female breast as an expression of close intimacy. Adult Nursing Relationships depend on a stable and long term relationship of the couple, otherwise it is nearly impossible to maintain a steady milk flow...” Essentially, men or woman drinking the milk of a lactating woman. Perhaps the women were recently pregnant? I’ve heard you can start lactating without having a baby (maybe hormone treatment, herbs, the gentle, suggestive suckling of a puppy). However these folks do it, it’s a wonder they ever found one another. This is a fetish of the internet age: message boards are the easiest way to anonymously ask for willing participants, and people were typing “adult-nursing-relationship/adultbreastfeeding” (a real fingerful) over and over, so they made up a code that also serves to trick the non-initiated. Good job, milkers!

There are

of those

If you haven’t figured out from the screaming store window displays, the constant stream of holiday music on the radio or the countless sales going on basically everywhere, it’s the holiday season! Time to put all grudges and ill-wills aside and celebrate what truly matters ­— getting cool stuff!

Remember how your parents had to wait in line for hours to buy you your first Furby? No one understood what a Furby was or why it was so magical, but no parents were going to admit that and have to see the look of utter disappointment on their child’s face Christmas morn’ when he was Furby-less.

If you think about it, the holiday season is really America’s M.O. We rock at selling people things they don’t need and living excessively in general.

In case you weren’t still full from Thanksgiving, Christmas is yet another occasion to celebrate what Americans do best: eating large quantities.

Don’t even bother dressing up for your family’s get-together; go straight to the sweatpants and save yourself the embarrassment.

To top off these past two months of celebrations, you’ve got the New Year’s to celebrate, too!

Make sure to enjoy this New Year’s Eve as much as possible, considering the apocalypse is apparently coming in about 11 short months, and we may not be around to ring in another. Why settle for just kissing someone at midnight? Do something completely ridiculous and out there, just to say you did it. Get your New Year’s resolutions ready, and place your bets to see who keeps theirs the longest.

Celebrate the past year’s greatest times and forget about the bad moments because this next year is bound to be kick ass. Bring it, 2012!

e ach

by Ellie Brzezenski

And on

christmas and new years

» The Champaign-Urbana “Strictly Platonic” Craigslist board: I’ve been thinking a lot about lonely people lately since Christmas is coming (see: Movies Page, this issue), and that helped me find the funniest message board in Central Illinois. There’s a variety of “folks” on these boards: a) old dudes who need someone to hang out/smoke weed; b) young dudes who need weed, but can’t get it (e.g. people from Philo, Grad. students from California who can’t find “hip” friends, etc); c) creeps looking for FWB (friends with benefits); d) trolls and/or serial killers (hard to distinguish).

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© Illini Media Company 2011

buzz

3

merry christmas — it will be your last What to do in the next year before the world is supposed to end

by Community Staff

A

ccording to Mayan predictions and various crazy people, the world is supposed to end December 21, 2012 — exactly 364 days from today (365 from yesterday).

This might seem a little sad. Instead, the buzz Community Staff has taken this news with optimism. Since we only have one year to live, why not make the most of it? We have compiled a bucket list of 364 things to do every day for the remaining one year of your life. Make it count!

1. Be in a theatrical experience (musicals not allowed because of awful singing voice).

2. Have a dance party in the English Building.

3. Spend all night sitting on top of a roof, eating snacks and waiting for the sun to rise.

4. Swim with the dolphins and imitate their calls.

5. Backpack across Europe with only two pairs of clothes, books and a toothbrush.

6. Teach English abroad.

7. Eat gelato in Italy for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

8. Build a library or a school in a small village somewhere.

9. Have your body buried temporarily in the sand at a beach.

10. Go to another class’s exam, take a final with a fake name, stand up in the middle of the exam and cause a scene.

11. Run a 5K. 12. Sell one of your watercolor paintings for profit (even a small profit).

13. Contribute to/be an active participant in a food fight.

14. Make from scratch cannolis dipped in chocolate chips.

15. Have a soap sud fight with excess suds in a laundromat or in your kitchen with a dishwasher.

16. Paint a nude model.

17. Make a thousand paper cranes... first, learn how to make a paper crane.

18. Yodel (lay-hee-who) on top of a mountain.

19. Participate in a pie-eating contest at a local fair.

20. Have your own Wikipedia Page.

21. Get on the cover of Time Magazine.

22. Strut down a runway.

23. Publish a children’s book.

24. Own a small children’s bookstore.

25. Go to Vegas.

26. Win big in Vegas.

27. Grow a fruit tree in your backyard.

28. Ride a powder blue vespa.

29. Twirl your own pizza dough from scratch.

30. Write a collection of short stories, dedicating it to your grandfather.

31. Take a traditional, romantic gondola ride.

32. Volunteer after a natural disaster.

33. Speak in puns all day.

34. Go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef.

35. Win an Olympic gold medal in London.

36. Eat a durian.

37. See The Godfather for the first time (sorry).

38. See a concert every night.

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buzz

39. Run a marathon.

40. Do anything but train for said marathon.

41. Personally thank every teacher you’ve ever had.

42. Travel to every continent.

43. Explore the physical limits of the human body, find your inner strength and grow as a person. See 44.

44. Win a pie-eating contest.

45. Finally learn how to whistle.

46. Leave misleading artifacts for future civilizations to discover.

47. Visit every friend you’ve ever had.

48. Make it to all major music festivals throughout the year.

49. Try every ICEE flavor.

50. Have Christmas in July.

51. Swim down the Nile.

52. Sing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley Field.

53. Go all the way around on a swing set.

54. Strive to be more like Ron Swanson.

55. Locate the Ark of the Covenant.

56. Wear a new pair of socks every day.

57. All-you-can-eat sushi every day.

58. Become an expert pumpkin carver.

59. Drive across the U.S. 60. Have a Toys R Us shopping spree.

61. Go on a safari.

62. See the aurora borealis.

63. Have a real-life Up experience.

64. Visit the International Space Station.

65. Become a roller coaster expert.

66. Go to the moon and live on it, or if that won’t work…

67. …Save the world!

68. Travel to India to experience Holi, the annual festival of colors.

69. Sing karaoke.

70. Be taken off the Pinterest waiting list.

71. Learn how to surf.

72. Ride on an elephant.

73. Stand on every continent (I only have Asia, South America and Antarctica left).

74. Sit in on a live fashion runway show.

75. Get a meaningful tattoo.

76. Go to as many amazing concerts as possible.

77. Go to a live taping of SNL. 78. Try to do one random act of kindness every day.

79. Get a dog; your parents never let me have one.

80. Be a walk-on in a movie.

81. Put a message in a bottle out to sea.

82. Send in a secret to Postsecret.

83. Spend quality time with your family.

84. Visit someplace haunted at night.

85. Go on a road trip.

86. Go camping.

87. Keep a diary for the entire year.

88. Watch a sunrise.

89. Participate in a scavenger hunt.

90. Do something romantic for someone.

91. Go to a drive-in movie theatre.

92. Learn to drive stick.

93. Get hypnotized.

Used with permission from Joel Montes and the Creative Commons

94. Visit the 7 wonders of the world.

95. Learn how to use a pottery wheel.

96. Go to Yellowstone National Park.

97. Cook an amazing meal all by yourself.

98. Climb a tree.

99. Pull a prank in the middle of a lecture hall.

100. Learn to play a song on guitar.

101. Go a whole day without talking, only listening.

102. Touch four states at once/cartwheel from one state to another.

103. Own a French Bulldog.

104. Get over 5,000 views on a YouTube video.

105. Appear in a professional movie.

106. Do the worm successfully.

107. Meet Selena Gomez.

108. Plant a tree and watch it grow.

109. Read the top 100 books of all time.

110. Hold a panda.

111. Walk up all the stairs of the Sears Tower (Willis Tower, whatever).

112. Successfully prepare a full course meal.

113. Tie a cherry stem with your tongue.

114. Make your own wine.

115. Get a picture of yourself sneezing.

116. Make homemade sushi.

117. Buy your parents a beer.

118. Paint a canvas by throwing darts at paintfilled balloons (Princess Diaries, ya know?).

119. Send a message in a bottle out to sea.

120. Take a salsa dancing class.

121. Learn to play the harmonica.

122. Learn to beat box.

123. Learn sign language.

124. Play the ukulele on a beach.

125. Donate blood.

126. Go into a lighthouse.

127. Make a documentary.

128. Learn to surf.

129. Take the typical picture of you leaning on the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

130. Drive on Route 66.

131. Ride a double-decker bus in London.

132. Step in all the oceans.

133. Get drunk at a wedding.

134. Eat a warm croissant at a bakery.

135. Spend an entire day watching Disney movies.

136. Buy all of the gumballs out of a machine.

137. Do something wild with your hair.

138. Eat every last bit of cookie dough in the bowl.

139. Collect a hundred books.

140. Swim in a fountain.

141. Convince everyone that Justin Beiber is the father of your baby.

142. Read The Hunger Games.

143. Have a “usual” at some restaurant.

144. Sleep on a waterbed.

145. Win something on the radio.

146. Befriend an intimidating pretty girl.

147. Buy and wear an outrageous piece of clothing.

148. Have something published on fml.

149. See your roommate fall in love.

150. Receive flowers from a guy.

151. Kiss a boy with Pop Rocks in your mouth.

152. Publish a book.

153. Find a favorite poet.

154. Go fishing.

155. Spend all four days at Country Thunder.

156. Have a moment where you let go of your need to be in control.

157. Go to Florida, California and New York.

158. Fill an Espresso Royale punch card.

159. Have a garage sale.

160. Re-create your wardrobe to be more elegant.

161. Go back to making art.

162. Visit Spain.

163. Go an entire day without using any technology.

164. Finish a game of Monopoly.

165. Give a homeless person a Christmas present.

166. Run through a field of beautiful flowers.

167. Find Waldo in those pesky Where’s Waldo books?

168. Grow stunning facial hair.

169. Solve America’s inequality issues.

170. Apologize to those who have seen you dance on Joe’s pole over the last few years.

171. Combine two Double Stuf Oreos to make a “quadruple stuf” Oreo.

172. Understand the Inception plot.

readbuzz.com december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

I just want to eat your socks on a sunny day.

173. Dunk on President Obama in a friendly game of pick-up basketball.

174. Dunk on Mitt Romney in a tenacious “street rules” game of pick-up basketball.

175. Have Justin Bieber serenade me the way he serenades Selena Gomez (tasteful and always keeping it PG).

176. Shake Stephen Colbert’s hand.

177. Start a blog, but like a cool one. About your feelings. But like, cool feelings.

178. Drive from LA to NYC in a tandem bicycle.

179. Develop a Hummer Limousine that runs on marshmallows, singlehandedly saving the slumping marshmallow industry.

180. Push a stranger’s car to the nearest gas station because it ran out of gas and get awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for your heroic actions.

181. Actually start working out on a consistent basis, and don’t accept “I walked to class” as an excuse.

182. Run a half-marathon twice, and tell people you ran a marathon.

183. Take a page from Bon Iver — record a CD in the woods over winter and call it “Buen Invierno”.

184. See Bruce Springsteen in concert and watch him play “Land of Hopes and Dreams.”

185. Be on a reality show... either The Bachelor or the new hit show Real Housemen of Champaign.

186. Get even bigger (is that possible?!) on the Champaign-Urbana stand-up comedy circuit.

187. Discover what you are doing with your life so you can answer that question when strangers ask you.

188. Read the New York Times daily and become pretentious.

189. Singlehandedly bring back the popularity of ska music.

190. Be in a movie directed by Michael Bay and ask him, “So what’s the plot of this movie?” every day.

191. Learn to lucid dream.

192. Learn a new language and seduce women in the language.

193. Trade out your contacts for glasses like the ones Bobby Kennedy wore.

194. Be in New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

195. Apologize to your girlfriend for everything that happened during Mardi Gras.

196. Read buzz every single Thursday.

197. Sing a song to your girlfriend so your Glee fantasies come true.

198. Build a Lego city, and march around it pretending to be Godzilla, slowly patching together your self-esteem.

199. Make many more lists of “things to do before the world ends.”

200. Get a Chipotle burrito with everything possible on it (every salsa and meat and the works) and eat it, in its entirety, in one sitting.

201. Skydive into water.

202. Do a keg stand.

203. Laugh so hard any liquid comes out your nose.

204. Actually live in an apartment with your two best friends from high school in New York and not just have it be a childhood pipe dream that you tell your children about.

205. Steal a souvenir from every fraternity on campus. And then shadow box it up.

206. Scrapbook every picture I have.

207. Ride bare back on a horse.

208. Visit the international student friends I have

made as soon as possible and then go inter railing throughout Europe.

209. Learn how to do a back flip off a diving board.

210. Visit the Redwood Forest and see how many people it takes to wrap your arms around a tree.

211. Be in a near-drowning situation and then have a dolphin or whale or other underwater friendly creature save you.

212. Learn a non-Romance language.

213. Be friends with your siblings and hang out at bars and stuff.

214. Attend fashion week shows in Paris.

215. Ski in Alaska.

216. Watch all of the James Bond series.

217. Roll your own cigarette. You don’t have to smoke it, though.

218. Be one of those cool people who live in New York or LA and don’t really have jobs or talent but seem rich and famous for no reason and regularly pop up in Us Weekly and hipster underground artists’ music videos and stuff.

219. Pay for your parents to go on a really nice vacation as a sign of your gratitude for raising you and putting you through college.

220. Have an “affair” with someone old, preferably a professor.

221. Do an all-inclusive bakery crawl in Chicago.

Probably cupcake-themed.

222. Revisit, and maybe even buy back, your grandma’s old house in Janesville, Wisconsin.

223. Touch your toes.

224. Hitchhike (and ideally not get abducted).

225. Witness some great moment in history and not realize until afterwards.

226. Have some aspect or event of your life used as the plot of a movie.

227. Start a blog or use a diary and actually keep up with it.

228. “Find yourself.” So corny, but I think self-actualization would be a pretty cool thing.

229. Visit Harry Potter World.

230. Go to South America or Africa or South Asia and help with a community project that makes a tangible impact.

231. Be a bouncer at a high-profile club for a short period of time.

232. Donate blood or a kidney or bone marrow.

233. Work as an editor at a magazine like Vanity Fair or The New Yorker.

234. Shave your head.

235. Break the family curse.

236. Travel to New Zealand and re-enact Frodo’s journey to Mordor.

237. Take in a wild animal.

238. Purchase an ice cream truck and ride around with the music playing, but eat all the ice cream yourself.

239. Witness a tornado up close, then chase it.

240. Learn a made-up language like Elvish or Simlish.

241. Learn an outdated trade such as broom-making.

242. Jump on stage at a Nickelback concert and do something stupid.

243. Teach your pet sign language.

244. Save a baby from a burning building.

245. Play bingo with your grandma.

246. Test drive lots of extremely expensive cars — buy none.

247. Become a connoisseur of something, like cheese or pickles.

248. Get your heart completely smashed open, figuratively.

249. Rob a gas station in your favorite Halloween costume.

250. Go down a waterfall in a barrel.

251. Join a motorcycle gang.

252. Outdrink a man thrice your size.

253. Live in silence for a week with the monks of the Carthusian Order in the French Alps.

254. Join in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

255. Run for the Republican presidential bid.

256. Go swimming in the Bioluminescent Bay in Puerto Rico.

257. Spray paint a magnificent mural on the side of the Union.

258. Go streaking down Times Square for a good cause.

259. Couchsurf in a foreign country.

260. Take a spiritual, life-changing trip to India.

261. Try every type of drug (I would recommend saving this one for last).

262. Join a cult.

263. Join a nudist colony.

264. Go to the pound and set all the animals free.

265. Learn to skateboard.

266. Live on the Alps.

267. Record a hit single with your uncle.

268. Dabble in cartooning.

269. Sing in an opera.

270. Learn how to graffiti.

271. Beat every Final Fantasy game. Except X-2.

272. Make eggs benedict.

273. Attend a gospel Baptist service.

274. Camp at the Grand Canyon.

275. Work in a shoe store.

276. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

277. Overcome your fear of scary movies.

278. Go on a safari.

279. Be a hard-hitting political talk show host.

280. Produce a famous infomercial.

281. Never wear mismatched socks.

282. Learn how to play the violin.

283. Solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded.

284. Do a cartwheel.

285. Watch the Olympics live.

286. Have a perfect kiss.

287. Win a Pulitzer.

288. Make that two Pulitzers.

289. Eat sushi in Japan.

290. Bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch.

291. Have an out-of-body meditation experience.

292. Win a game of chess.

293. Pick bananas off a banana plant.

294. Ride in a Rolls-Royce.

295. Be on the cover of a magazine (buzz???).

296. Do the splits.

297. Get tan.

298. Beat QWOP. 299. Save Christmas, preferably to music.

300. Coin and popularize a word that rhymes with silver.

301. Coerce a studio exec to greenlight a second season of Firefly.

302. Walk away from an explosion without turning around.

303. Find a dubstep song that doesn’t suck.

304. Figure out exactly what way the Backstreet Boys want it.

305. Drink PBR unironically.

306. Catch them all.

307. Roll on Shabbos.

308. Go back in time to stop episodes one, two and three from being made.

309. Kidnap historical figures to get an A on your history project.

310. Find a second dubstep song that doesn’t suck.

311. Ride the 22 Illini for a full 24-hour period.

312. Kill the Batman.

313. Get in a fight, scare your mother, and get sent to Bel-Air. 314. Discover how macaroni and cheese was made before it became “easy mac.”

315. Find a third dubstep song that doesn’t suck.

316. Film a movie based on this list.

317. Film a sequel to the movie based on this list.

318. Hire James Earl Jones to read lolcats memes to me.

319. Run for vice president on the “Rent is Too Damn High” ticket.

320. Perform John Cage’s 4’33’’ for an audience.

321. Have more fun.

322. Bowl a perfect 300.

323. Drink 300 bowls of soup.

324. Impress ladies with your kite flying skills.

325. Make something out of gold (a pretzel? a suit?).

326. Hang out on the moon with your homies.

327. Read all the dirty books in the Main Library stacks.

328. Roast the other candidates at a debate.

329. Bow out of election.

330. Go to a really, really cold place (without a coat).

331. Eat some snails.

332. Shake Michael Jordan’s hand.

333. Shake Michael Jackson’s cold, dead hand.

334. Learn to breakdance.

335. Become ruler of a small island nation.

336. Smoke a banana.

337. Hack into Facebook and change the name to Facebutt.

338. Also change it to Buttbook.

339. Make a final change to Buttbutt.

340. Try every kind of salsa.

341. Watch the Bulls win a championship.

342. Steal the Crown Jewels.

343. ...then wear them to a party in Urbana.

344. Buy your mom a huge house.

345. Buy yourself a huge houseboat.

346. Find the elixir of life, and if that doesn’t work, build a bomb shelter.

347. Open a Wendy’s.

348. Follow Kanye West around for a while.

349. ...then write a book about it.

350. Use the Wendy’s money to open a jazz bar.

351. Fight a war against the aliens.

352. Have a nice conversation with Oprah.

353. Relax.

354. Ride in a hot air balloon.

355. Plant a tree.

356. Kiss Hayley Williams from Paramore.

357. Make a clothing line.

358. Meet a penguin.

359. Finish a puzzle by yourself.

360. Capture Santa.

361. Find the end of a rainbow.

362. Get accepted into Hogwarts.

363. Design a website.

364. Make a gigantic pizza and eat it. buzz

5

movies

bah, humbug!

Week of Friday, December 23 - Thursday, December 29

My Week with Marilyn (R) From a 35mm print Fri: (5:00), 7:30 PM Sat, Sun, Mon: (2:30), (5:00), 7:30 PM Tue: 7:30 PM Wed: (5:00), 7:30 PM Thu: 7:30 PM Santa’s Cool Holiday Film Fest (G) Digital Presentation. $5 show.

Fri: 10:00 PM Sat (12/24): 12:00 Noon Thu: 10:00 PM Week of Friday, December 30 - Thursday, January 5

My Week with Marilyn (R) From a 35mm print Fri: (5:00), 7:30 PM Sat, Sun, Mon: (12:00), (2:30), (5:00), 7:30 PM Tue: 7:30 PM Wed: (5:00), 7:30 PM Thu: 7:30 PM Drive (R) Starring Ryan Gosling From a 35mm print. $3 show.

Fri: 10:00 PM Sun: 10:00 PM Thu: 10:00 PM 126 W. Church St. Champaign

Take the CUMTD Bus www.theCUart.com

SAVOY 16 217-355-3456

S. Neil St. (Rt. 45) at Curtis Rd. GQTI.com and on Facebook

SHOWTIMES 12/23 - 12/29

No passes S Stadium seating

TITLES AND TIMES SUBJECT TO CHANGE

Last shows of Christmas Eve will start no later than 5pm.

First shows on Christmas Day will start after 3pm.

S WAR HORSE (PG-13) SUN 3:10, 6:30, 9:35 MON-TH 12:00, 3:10, 6:30, 9:35 3D THE DARKEST HOUR (PG-13) $2.50 PREMIUM PER 3D TICKET SUN 4:50, 9:15 MON-TH 12:30, 4:50, 9:15 THE DARKEST HOUR (PG-13) SUN 7:00 MON-TH 2:40, 7:00 S 3D ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (PG) $2.50 PREMIUM PER 3D TICKET FRI 11:35, 2:05, 4:35, 7:05, 9:30, 11:50 SAT 11:35, 2:05, 4:35 SUN 4:35, 7:05, 9:30 MON-TH 11:35, 2:05, 4:35, 7:05, 9:30 ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (PG) FRI-SAT MON-TH 11:15, 1:45, 4:15 SUN 4:15 WE BOUGHT A ZOO (PG) FRI 1:10, 3:55, 6:40, 9:25, 12:10 S FRI 12:40, 3:25, 6:10, 8:55, 11:40 S SAT 12:40, 3:25 SAT 1:10, 3:55 SUN 3:25, 3:55, 6:10, 6:40, 8:55, 9:25 MON-TH 12:40, 1:10, 3:25, 3:55, 6:10, 6:40, 8:55, 9:25 MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE GHOST PROTOCOL (PG-13) FRI 12:55, 3:50, 6:45, 7:15, 9:45, 10:05 S FRI 12:25, 3:20, 6:15, 9:10, 12:00 SAT 12:55, 3:50 S SAT 12:25, 3:20 SUN 6:15, 6:45, 9:10, 9:40 MON-TH 12:25, 3:20, 6:15, 6:45, 9:10, 9:40 S SUN 4:20, 7:15, 10:10 S MON-TH 1:25, 4:20, 7:15, 10:10 THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO (R) FRI, MON-TH 12:20, 3:35, 6:50, 10:05 S FRI 3:05, 6:20, 9:35 S SAT 3:05 SAT 12:20, 3:35 S SUN-TH 3:05, 6:20, 9:35 SUN 3:35, 6:50, 10:05 SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS (PG-13) FRI 12:25, 1:30, 3:15, 4:20, 6:05, 6:30, 7:10, 9:00, 9:20, 10:00, 11:45, 12:05 SAT 12:25, 1:30, 3:15, 4:20 SUN-TH 6:30, 9:20 S SUN 3:15, 6:05, 8:50 S MON-TH 12:25, 3:15, 6:05, 8:50 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED (G) FRI-SAT, MON-TH 11:50, 2:00, 4:10 SUN 4:10 S FRI 12:15, 2:25, 4:35, 6:45, 9:05, 11:15 S SAT 12:15, 2:25, 4:35 S SUN 4:35, 6:45, 9:00 S MON-TH 12:15, 2:25, 4:35, 6:45, 9:00 YOUNG ADULT (R) FRI 12:50, 3:10, 5:25, 7:40, 9:55, 12:10 SAT 12:50, 3:10 SUN 3:00, 5:25, 7:40, 9:55 MON-TH 12:50, 3:00, 5:25, 7:40, 9:55 NEW YEAR’S EVE (PG-13) FRI 11:20, 2:00, 4:40, 7:20 SAT 11:20, 2:00, 4:40 THE SITTER (R) FRI 9:55, 11:55 THE DESCENDANTS (R) FRI, MON-TH 11:40, 2:15, 4:50, 7:25, 10:00 SAT 11:40, 2:15, 4:50 SUN 4:50, 7:25, 10:00 ARTHUR CHRISTMAS (PG) S FRI-SAT 12:30 MON-TH 12:30 S MON-TH 11:00 AM THE MUPPETS (PG) FRI-SAT 11:00 AM S 3D HUGO (PG) $2.50 PREMIUM PER 3D TICKET FRI 11:05, 1:50, 4:30, 7:20, 10:05 SAT 11:05, 1:50, 4:30 SUN 3:40, 6:25, 9:05 MON-TH 12:55, 3:40, 6:25, 9:05

6

buzz

Christmas Movies to Make You Miserable

by Nick Martin

T

he Military-Industrial Complex and Practitioners of Conventional Morality (heretofore, The Man) says everybody loves Christmas and all its Yuletide cheer. The reality: most of the world doesn’t give a shit about Christmas (or Jesus even), and plenty of people who should be happy are exhausted from the holiday’s obligations and/or disenfranchised by X-mas’s tacky displays of hyper-consumerism. In short: Christmas sucks for plenty. If you hate the holidays, this list is for you. Remember: Christmas is a capitalist conspiracy funded by Coca-Cola, wrapping paper conglomerates and the American-Dream-Propaganda-Machine known as Hollywood for the agenda of tricking innocent people into wasting money, wasting time and fetishizing corrupted Pagan rituals!

Awesome TV Specials Proving Christmas Sucks

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) perfectly articulates the angst of Christmas season, set to delightful jazz piano. “I always end up feeling depressed!”

BUZZ Charlie Brown bemoans. The little bald boy resents THURSDAY Christmas’ commercialism — Money! Money!

DECEMBER Money! The Meaning of 22 Christmas! — a flyer excorp note...keep this same size always plains. Minus the secular message, it highlights the holiday’s biggest problem: people demanding gifts.

1 X 5.417 The first episode of The Simpsons, “Simpsons Roast1/8th page ing on an Open Fire” (1989), shows you can’t pick your presents, your family or even the winner of a dog race; there’s a reason the 90s’ most biting satirical wit set its first sights on Christmas. How can we combat Christmas woes? Seinfeld’s Frank Costanza makes up his own holiday in “The Strike” (1999).

“Festivus for the rest of us!” Frank declares, inventing a holiday founded in the traditions of conservatism (a pole instead of a tree), self-improvement (Airing of Grievances instead of gift-exchange) and father fighting. In short: the best way to escape Christmas’s dark chill is beating up your dad.

The Root of All Evil

Christmas as a time for consumption rather than reflection. Sinbad and Arnold try to get their sons a rare action figure, and the film tries to purport an anti-capitalist message; however, Jingle All The Way cost 75 million dollars and spawned a series of action figures and totally sucked. Talk about falling into performative fallacy! What about schlocky crap cashing in on nostalgic goodwill?

Star Wars Christmas Special (1978) was the first appearance of Boba Fett, but is considered so lame even George Lucas himself won’t release it on DVD to make money from it. Jim Carrey showed the world how easy it is to turn into a hideous monster with How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2001), a lame cash-in on animation legend Chuck Jones’ classic. There’s countless more, but I’m getting too ornery to continue!

How Fucking Romantic

I think the worst holiday movies are the ones that guilt people into enjoying the Christmas spirit. Like Tim Allen’s Christmas with the Kranks (2004): the film that reminds us lots of people use Christmas as a way to ostentatiously compete with neighbors through the display of gaudy lawn ornaments. Hopefully, Tim Allen is done making Christmas movies because America will never forgive him for Santa Claus 3 (2006). Vince Vaughn also makes a lot of bad Christmas movies: besides Fred Claus (2007) (so bad, no more shallst be spoken!), Four Christmases (2008) argues Americans should see every family member in one stress-filled day, even if they’re big phonies who don’t like any family members. Worst of all, Ben Affleck’s Surviving Christmas (2004): Affleck literally buys a family for a quarter of a million dollars and tries to have sex with his purchased daughter. You may also remember Affleck’s Reindeer Games (2000), in which he pulls off a huge heist while folks are busy celebrating Christmas. You’re a jerk, Ben Affleck! There’s a reason suicides spike in the holiday seasons.

bie spin-off, Silent Night, Zombie Night (2009).

Coca-Cola mascot Santa Claus has also been a source of murderous anxiety: Satan Claus (1996) shows a psychopath roaming New York, amputating body parts to decorate a really gross Christmas tree; Santa Claws (1996) is an almost-softcore porno about a crazy Santa stalking an erotic horror actress; cleverest of all, Santa’s Slay (2005) reveals Santa was actually a demon tricked into delivering presents but eventually able to break his curse with capricious murder. Then, there’s the really stupid ones. Like Jack Frost (1996), the movie where an anthropomorphic snowman made of acid kills people by eating them and rapes a girl with his carrot nose (also, the first film to feature “sex symbol” Shannon Elizabeth). Or Gary Busey’s The Gingerdead Man (2005) where the nefarious cookie killer (made by a witch by combining Busey’s ashes and magic spices) throws his foes into ovens. The film was so good it inspired two sequels, The Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust (2008) (the cover shows Gingerdead Man crucified on a cookie cross) and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (2011). Strangest of all, Christmas trees have gotten in on the murderous action. I haven’t seen Trees (2000), Trees 2: The Root of All Evil (2004) or the unrelated Treevenge (2008), but I don’t suspect any of them are good in the traditional sense of the word. This section was inspired by, “ko1ru” a list maker on Listal. Thanks!

Miscellaneous

Deck the Halls with BLOOD! Used with permission from Columbia Pictures

Used with permission from Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Jingle All the Way (1996) is a shining example of people confusing

Some people hate Christmas so much it sends them into a kill-crazy rampage. In fact, it inspired Bob Clark to invent horror cinema’s most notorious genre: the slasher film. In Black Christmas (1974), a deranged serial killer haunts a sorority house (go Pi Kappa Sigma!) around Christmas time and establishes tropes John Carpenter and Michael Myers would perfect four years later. In 1984, both aforementioned films would be ripped-off with the Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) franchise (spawned four sequels and inspired a similarly-named zom-

If you’re looking for more bad-holiday fun, check out: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) (immortalized by that really sweet Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode in 1993).

Hulk Hogan’s attempt at a family Christmas cash-in, Santa with Muscles (1999); it’s so bad it’s still bad, but maybe you think that means it’s good. And who could forget Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights — a cartoon Hanukkah movie for all ages... actually, not all ages — rather 1013. But if you like boob and dick jokes (I do), check out this awful, awful cartoon.

Food

&

Drink

december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

New Year’s Resolutions

readbuzz.com

It’s never too late to start over!

by buzz Food & Drink staff

I

t’s that time of year again. Time to evaluate how you’ve lived your life over the past year and make changes for next year. We’ve all got that list of “New Year’s Resolutions” somewhere.

Whether it’s taped to the fridge, written in an email or in the trash because you decided you just didn’t want to try and do all that, here’s the Food & Drink staff’s resolutions for some starters.

Sam Bakall — Editor : I’ve had a lot of New Year’s resolutions. I had one that was pretty successful, and that was watching all the episodes of Law & Order: SVU. I’m pretty close to finishing.

I’ve watched every episode of the first 11 seasons, and I think I’m in 12. So, if I can plan my time right, I will have succeeded in a New Year’s resolution FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. So in honor of accomplishing one thing this year that I set out to, here is the new list of resolutions: Work out more (I haven’t given up hope on this one yet — I have a feeling this year is the year).

Visit more restaurants on my list of restaurants to go to in Chicago. Eat more weird food. I tried balut a couple weeks ago (look it up), and it wasn’t terrible! And finally, work on myself. I’ve realized that I need to spend more time on myself, and I’m going to do just that. Watch out, 2012. Here I come.

Jordan Ramos — Assistant Editor : As always, my New Year’s resolution will be to eat better and swear less. Usually, I accomplish neither of these, but this year will be different!

When I go grocery shopping, I will NOT buy chips or cookies, no matter HOW much on sale they

are. I will eat apples, bananas and canned peaches as snacks. I will cook more!

Annalisa Rodriguez — Writer : We all start our New Year’s resolutions with a lot of enthusiasm and determination until they fizzle out. This year, I hope to not let that enthusiasm and determination die with the cold weather.

My first New Year’s resolution is to drink more water and less Coke, my soft drink of choice. For Lent one year, I gave up soft drinks and drank only water. I lost five pounds and felt so much better. I figure I can do without the empty calories and sugar. Which brings me to my second resolution: Avoid the Insomnia cookies my roommate brings home from work. As delicious as they are, I know eating multiple chocolate chunk cookies at midnight cannot be good for the waistline. And speaking of Insomnia, my last resolution is to walk straight home after a night out and not stop to eat something I know I’ll regret in the morning. No good food choices are made after 2 a.m.

Julie Homerding — Writer : My New Year’s resolution is pretty typical — eat healthy.

With finals and the holidays, it’s very easy to stray from the path and start heading down the junk food road. I am really going to focus on eating healthy, with more fruits and vegetables in my diet. The one downfall with diets is restricting yourself to fun foods. In 2012, I am going to try and spice up the bland, low-calorie diets and actually enjoy my new healthy eating habits.

New Year’s brunch

Used with permission from the Creative Commons and FotoosVanRobin

Stacey Klouda — Writer : To try something new every day — whether it be melting muenster instead of cheddar over my morning eggs, turning the classic Funfetti birthday layercake into tie-dyed pancakes, ordering a non-fat chai over the standard caramel macchiato, or simply checking out a new eat spot like the Crave Truck or Bacaro. It’s just too easy to fall into a routine and become completely blinded to all the random wonderful things that this campus — and food in general — has to offer, and in trying new things on a regular basis, I hope to shake those blinders off and stop and smell the chai.

Melanie Kuta — Writer : Every year, it seems like every single woman in America wants to lose weight for her New Year’s Resolution, and I

am definitely not an exception. However, over the past year, I have learned a valuable lesson that it is not how much you weigh — it is about being healthy.

Because of this, it is my New Years resolution to eat as naturally as I can. I vow to eat less processed foods and opt for local and sustainable produce.

Lauren Lehocky — Writer : I’ve promised this many times over the years, but for 2012 I am definitely going to drink more water. As of right now, my water intake relies solely on the three or four Snapples I drink a day. With all the health tips out there, I know the one that never goes out of style is how amazing water is for you — for your skin, energy, weight loss goals and overall health. Also, this has to be one of the easiest resolutions out there, so there’s no excuse for me not to finally do it!

Celebrate the New Years in style!

by Jasmine Lee Brunch is quite possibly the greatest amalgamation of food to be offered during the daytime. Omelets and potatoes sit pretty alongside sandwiches, and the excuse to drink mimosas at eleven in the morning always makes for a good time, especially when special occasions like New Year’s Day or Mom’s Weekend determine that a special meal is in order. If you pop out of campus town, there are a surprising number of restaurants that churn out pretty tasty brunch menus for those special occasions.

Destihl: The new gastropub in downtown Champaign is still in its experimental phase, trying out different kinds of special menu events; this includes brunch on Saturdays and Sundays.

Because Destihl is first and foremost a pub, with the main focus on craft and artisanal beer, the menu is dominated with rich, full-flavored dishes that veer closer to lunch offerings more than typical breakfast fare, like poblano pepper frittatas and steak and eggs. The restaurant is a cavernous open-air space with sleek wooden tables and high-backed booths that make it ideal for chatter and large groups.

Radio Maria: This CU staple is a Spanish tapas restaurant on Walnut Street, and its brunch menu is just as expansive as its regular one, including salads, tortas and entrees alongside the primarily egg-centered dishes. There are the expected omelets, migas and huevos rancheros, all done the Radio Maria way, but then there are “boats” that are vegetable nirvana, piled high atop beans, potatoes and crispy tortilla pieces. They also serve a Bloody Maria, which is RM’s spicy take on the original, and something called Mexican Coffee, which is dark coffee spiked with cinnamon.

Café Luna: If you’re in the mood for mimosas and pineapple mint juice, head over to Café Luna, which is located right across the street from the Illinois Terminal. It’s known for its tapas and its romantic atmosphere, but they revamp during the daytime. Streaming sunlight and the noticeable lack of candlelight turns the place into a casual breakfast nook. Its European-inspired brunch menu includes perfectly caramelized Grand Marnier French toast topped with a beguiling dollop of whipped cream, adorable little beignets with two different dipping sauces, all kinds of egg benedicts and potato skillets.

The restaurant itself is all high ceilings and deephued walls and has an unfinished warehouse look with small tables covered in white linen tablecloths, both inside and on the patio outside.

Silvercreek: Now on to the tasty hipster neighborhood that is Urbana. On Race Street is the restaurant Silvercreek, and on Sundays, the place outfits itself as a gigantic brunch buffet. As the longest-running buffet brunch in ChampaignUrbana, it’s definitely one to try out. There is an enormous range of food, including traditional fare of scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, freshly made bakery treats, prime rib and waffles, plus a madeto-order omelet station and a separate dessert table. During brunch, mimosas and Bloody Marys are half-off.

Bread Company: Brunch at the Bread Company is a relatively new addition to the place, only a few months along, and it’s done the greatest thing: the dinner tapas and entrée menu that everyone is familiar with now offers quiches and crepes. In a nutshell: wake up on a Sunday, grab a friend, and order up a bowl of onion soup, the quiche of the day, a fluffy

Photo by Zach Dalzell

crepe and maybe a round of fondue, all in the same sitting. The possible fillings for quiches and omelets are numerous — prosciutto and pesto, pancetta and red onion — and almost mimic the offerings of Café Luna. All coffee is hand-brewed, so expect delicious, piping hot Americanos upon ordering. buzz

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Favorite New yEar’s Foods and Drinks What’s your favorite thing to eat on New Year’s? by buzz Food & Drink staff

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here’s always something on the table that you go for every year. It might be the deepfried butter because you’re figuring, “Hey, I only eat this once a year, and it’s okay.” The buzz Food & Drink staff shares their must-haves for ringing in the New Year.

Sam Bakall — Editor : I have to say my favorite food at New Year’s doesn’t exist. Mainly because while everyone else is socializing and drinking, I’m just hanging around the food table eating everything. It doesn’t matter what’s there because I’m probably going to eat it to avoid awkward conversation with people I hardly know. There’s always Middle Eastern food hanging around — hummus, falafel, kefta kabobs and the like. That’s where you can usually find me.

I always stick with the cranberry/orange juice mix at parties, too. Nobody ever asks me why I’m not drinking, and I can simultaneously avoid embarrassing myself in front of my parents. It looks legit, but it’s a trick. A delicious trick.

Stacey Klouda — Writer : When I spend New Year’s with my family, my aunt makes a cheese ball that I find myself gravitating to throughout the night. Eaten with crackers, the recipe involves mixing cream cheese, cheddar cheese, ranch dressing mix, green onion and garlic into a ball, refrigerating and rolling in pecans. As for drink of the night, over the summer I was introduced to the apple pie shot by my boyfriend’s sister — Everclear, apple juice, apple cider, sugar and cinnamon sticks. I’d love to have this on New Year’s this year, but I have to be careful with this one because it’s so delicious. Then again, it is New Year’s.

My most memorable New Year’s drink — if not my favorite — is probably something my family calls “S.O.D.” (or Special Occasion Drink). When I was little and not quite old enough to imbibe with the adults, my siblings and I made up this little concoction so we would have something of our own to toast with when the clock struck midnight. The name was a little unoriginal, I know, but c’mon, I was five, and “occasion” was definitely a grown-up and exotic enough word that I couldn’t even spell it. So between the three of us kids, we came up with a mixture of 2 parts cranberry juice, 1 part Sprite/7up/50-50/whatever clear soda we had and a heaping teaspoon of sugar that made a little explosion of fizziness when you added it to the cup. The sugary fireworks in our glasses were enough to keep us awake until the ball dropped, but I’m sure with a bit of vodka or whiskey, this stuff might keep our now-adultselves dancing and satisfied all night long.

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buzz

Used with permission from Kojach and the Creative Commons

Jasmine Lee — Writer : Surprisingly, my favorite things to eat and drink on New Year’s are Korean dishes. It’s tradition for Korean families to watch the sunrise on New Year’s Day and then dig into a piping hot bowl of starchy dduk gook, rice cake soup. It’s made with beef or anchovy broth, rice cakes, dumplings and glass noodles, and it’s topped with strips of roasted seaweed and scallions. I forgo the early morning activity but partake in at least three bowls of the soup. I love ending the evening with a chilled cup of soojong gwa, a Korean cinnamon-ginger tea/punch topped with pine nuts.

Julie Homerding — Writer : On New Year’s Eve, my family and I always have a steak and mashed potato dinner. It’s a tradition that my parents, brother and I eat dinner before venturing out to our own social events for the evening. The meal is pretty original — no fancy twists to the steak and mashed potatoes, but I do love topping my steak with grilled onions, bleu cheese and (most importantly) the juice from the pan.

Lauren Lehocky — Writer : My favorite New Year’s meal is homemade pizza with sparkling white grape juice. When I was younger, my family would always buy Boboli

pizza crusts and tons of toppings and create our own pizzas together on New Year’s Eve. Then we’d all sit down and share our meal while drinking sparking white grape juice. I always loved that part, especially because I got to pretend I was a grown up and drink it out of a wine glass. This meal will always be special to me because it is such a great family memory.

Melanie Kuta — Writer : Whether I am going to a party or just staying in, I like recipes that are simple yet still festive. My ultimate favorite is Eggnog Pudding, which combines my favorite holiday drink and my favorite holiday dessert. Here is the recipe: 1. Start with 1 cup of eggnog.

2. Beat in cream cheese.

(2 8oz. packages softened) 3. Add 2 (3 1/2 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding, 2 -3 tablespoons vanilla extract and 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg 4. Add 2nd cup of eggnog, beating on low for 2 minutes.

5. Spoon into 8 separate servings into stemmed glassware.

6. Cover with plastic wrap and chill overnight for 8 hours 7. Top with whipped topping & shortbread cookies if desired.

Vicky Raymond — Writer : For New Year’s, we have friends over for appetizers, pizza and fondue. This was originally called taco dip, but my sister and I decided that was not descriptive enough, so the name was changed to Heavenly Obsessive Dip. Obsessive Dip Ingredients: » 1 can Hormel Chili - No Beans » 1 8 oz. package Philadelphia Cream Cheese (softened) » 1 jar salsa » 1 cup shredded Cojack Cheese » 1 2 1/2 qt. covered pyrex dish In 2 1/2 qt. covered pyrex dish: 1. Spread softened cream cheese with wooden spoon to cover bottom. Next layer add chili, spread over cream cheese. Next layer add salsa — enough to cover. Spread Cojack cheese on top.

Cover with lid.

2. Place in microwave for 2 to 3 minutes. May need to repeat a couple times. Done when cheese is melted and heated through.

3. Serve with a variety of Mexican corn chips: blue, red and green, lime-flavored, scoops, original, etc.

MUSIC

december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

A HIGHDIVE NEW YEAR

readbuzz.com

Elsinore and The Dirty Feathers bring in 2012

by Matt Shancer his year, the Highdive has quite the New Year’s Eve show planned, ending the year with Elsinore and starting the first hour of 2012 with The Dirty Feathers.

This is a good opportunity to catch Elsinore because guitarist and vocalist Ryan Groff said that the band is currently taking a break from major touring.

“We’ve basically been taking a songwriting hiatus since the Life Inside An Elephant EP came out in August. We did about ten days of touring on that,” Groff said. “We’re working on new songs and actually being home from tour and getting good sleep.”

During this break, Elsinore has played a few local shows including one in St. Louis and another at the Pygmalion festival.

“It [Pygmalion] was definitely a show that we had no doubts about wanting to do,” Groff said.

“There’s no way we’re going to say, ‘Sorry, we’re on a songwriting hiatus.’”

For Elsinore, being at home is conducive to good songwriting.

“When on tour, I feel a little frazzled creatively.

There’s just so much going on,” Groff said. “Our lives are spent in a van and a new house every night.”

Being home is also a “luxury” to the members of Elsinore.

“The songwriting is going really well,” Groff said.

“It’s fun to be in a position where we can take our time to write as long as we want to and as long as we need to and to know that once we’ve done our job of getting enough songs ready, then we’ll worry about recording and making the next record come to life.”

With that in mind, Elsinore plans to write an

even better record than Yes Yes Yes. “We feel really good about where Yes Yes Yes went, but as a band, we are in the group of bands that always want to better themselves,” Groff said.

“We want to write a record that will really make people get up and do something about it.”

Currently, Groff is building a recording studio in his backyard. This studio will be used for band rehearsals, songwriting and practicing.

Groff will also use the space for music lessons.

He teaches 35 lessons a week with students from ages 5 to 70. Groff teaches guitar lessons, voice lessons and tutors music theory. He also gives songwriting critiques.

“I do basically anything I can do that I have a knowledge of,” Groff said.

Moving on to The Dirty Feathers, guitarist, vocalist and dancer Andrew Kling said that this New Year’s Eve show will be one to remember because of a special guest, another possible guest, new songs and an entirely new set list.

“We don’t want to spoil any surprises, but we do have some pretty wild things lined up,” Kling said, “We have had some good shows in the past, but this one is hopefully shaping up to be our craziest.”

Kling also said the band has a New Year’s resolution.

“As a band, we need to sit down and have dinner together more often and actually talk about our day,” Kling said.

Lately, The Dirty Feathers have been writing new songs and “coming up with new hypnotiz-

A MIKE ‘N MOLLY’S NEW YEAR

Elsinore playing at Canopy Club on September 17 for Pygmalion. Photo by Paul Habeeb

ing techniques.”

“We haven’t played since Halloween, so we have a lot of energy built up for the new year,” Kling said.

“Ted [Faust] has been trying out some new personalities. James [Treichler] and Harman [Jordan] are learning foreign languages. Vladimir [Brilliant] has been traveling to the future to try and stop the end of the world in 2012. I have been getting involved in competitive wood chopping.”

The Dirty Feathers released Midnight Snakes this past September, and they are currently planning on getting into the studio in February and March to record some new material. The new material will be “substantially different” from the band’s debut album.

“We definitely want to get weirder and more experimental,” Kling said. “We’ve been tossing around ideas, and we’d like to make an album that

is a singular statement, something like a concept album. There’s something that is frustrating us all, and hopefully we can figure it out and put it to tape.”

For the holidays, The Dirty Feathers plan to play on Christmas in their basement and possibly record it.

“There’s always more voodoo on holidays,” Kling said. “John Owen from Shipwreck is going to be in town, so we plan to lock him to the radiator and keep him there indefinitely. We might also deep fry a turkey.”

briefbox

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The Highdive Who: Elsinore, The Dirty Feathers and

openers Temple of Low Men When: Saturday, Dec. 31 @ 9 p.m. (Doors

at 8) Cost: $20 in advance, TBA at the door Ages: 19+

Throw on those paper party hats for New Ruins

by Evan Lyman

Since 2004, childhood buddies Caleb Means and Elzie Sexton have been putting out lo-fi, fuzz guitar-driven rock and pop as New Ruins. Over the last few years, they’ve carved out their own niche in the CU scene, gaining momentum, experience and band members along the way. This past September, the now five-piece band released their latest LP, This Life Is Not Ours To Keep, produced

by Brian Deck (Modest Mouse, Iron & Wine, Fruit

Bats). On December 31, New Ruins will come to Mike ‘N Molly’s to ring in the New Year.

On their self-released and recorded material, New Ruins called to mind a Neil Young meets early Wilco style of whiskey-soaked Americana. Since then, the band has added bassist Andrew Davidson and drummer Roy Ewing to their full-time lineup, adding weight and consistency to their sound. In collaborating with Brian Deck, New Ruins added

As for the New Year’s show, expect a lot of intermingling between New Ruins and openers Tractor Kings, Chemicals and That’s No Moon.

“Our bass player Andy Davidson is the drummer for both of those bands,” Means said. “Tractor Kings’ normal guitar player, Johnny Davidson, is Andy’s brother, but he’s gone away to culinary school in California. We really wanted the Tractor Kings to play with us, so there’s a good chance a couple New Ruins guitar players may be stepping in with the Tractor Kings.”

Count on the set list to draw heavily from the latest New Ruins LP, with some tracks from 2009’s We Make Our Own Bad Luck sprinkled in.

“We’ve never been a band that likes to play the same things over and over again…” Means said.

So this New Year’s Eve, trade in those overrated champagne bottles for a fifth of Jack and check out New Ruins and friends at Mike ‘N Molly’s.

briefbox

Photo by Tanara Yates. Used with permission from New Ruins

more guitars, keyboards and analog touches to the band’s melancholic, heartfelt tunes.

Though the band played Mike ‘N Molly’s last year for NYE, fans can expect a bigger lineup to back their grander, denser material.

“After we recorded the record, in March or April, we added a fifth member to New Ruins, a guy named Dave Samuel,” said vocalist/guitarist Means. “He’s kind of like our new auxiliary guy. He plays keyboards, third guitar and creates some loops and soundscapes for us. All those extra parts for the new album — he helps us fill in the gaps.”

But the band has done more than add new members since the release of their latest album. The band hired a PR firm in hopes of promoting This Life Is Not Ours To Keep, and it seems to be opening doors. On December 10, they joined the likes of other CU favorites such as Santah and Headlights by recording a Daytrotter Session.

“We’ve been trying to get on there for years now and hadn’t had much success until recently,” Means said.

For New Ruins, 2012 is not necessarily set in stone.

“We’re always in the writing stage,” Means explained. “We’re always rehearsing, and we’re always demoing new materials.”

Mike ‘N Molly’s Who: New Ruins, Tractor Kings, Chemicals, That’s No Moon When: Saturday, Dec. 31 Ages: 19+

buzz

9

arts

&

entertainment

THE QUEEN COMES TO CHICAGO

A review of Elizabeth Rex

by Syd Slobodnik

T

he Chicago Shakespeare company’s production of Timothy Findley’s Elizabeth Rex is a compelling but somewhat curious choice for their 25th anniversary season. Since their season began with the superb adaptation of Sondheim’s Follies two months ago, they will be halfway through their anniversary year before they stage an actual Shakespeare play — A Midsummer Night’s Dream, which begins February 7. Findley’s play, which originally premiered in 2000 at Canada’s Stratford Shakespeare festival and later ran off-Broadway in 2008, is a purely fictional account of Elizabeth I and the crisis she faced when she had her ex-lover, the Earl of Essex, beheaded for treason.

Chicago Shakespeare’s artistic director Barbara Gaines directs this finely-acted production which features the incredible Diane D’Aquila, who originated the role of the grand English monarch in Canada.

Elizabeth Rex is an entertaining, sometimes silly and not always profound telling of the queen’s frustrations over whether she should consider a pardon for her ex-lover and the dilemma of being a strong female leader. The play’s narrative focus begins after a command performance of Shakespeare’s Lord Chamberlain’s Men. The troupe is under forced confinement in the royal stables when many commoners riot and a curfew is imposed to quell the protests to the impending execution of Essex.

When the Queen joins the confined troupe in order to distract herself from her troubles, she finds deep interest in one particular actor, Ned Lowen-

scroft, (Steven Sutcliffe) the lead player of female roles in Shakespeare’s troupe. Ned is suffering a slow death with strange, painful sores all over his skin due to syphilis. While showing sympathy for Ned, the Queen tolerates a certain amount of impudent banter as they spar over the what it means to be a man and a woman. The queen wonders what it means to be a strong woman while trying to show the slightest femininity. Ned, the gay actor, whose lover infected him with the syphilis, confronts the queen with his insights on female behavior and manners.

The Queen also finds much interest in the playwright Shakespeare’s (Kevin Gudahl) creative musings as he drafts what will become his next play, Antony and Cleopatra. When the Queen begins reading several of Shakespeare’s notes, she is enraged to discover he has been basing his historical characters on the words and incidents of her own life and the soon-to-be executed Earl of Essex.

Diane D’Aquila’s Elizabeth is a powerful, stern woman troubled by her actions and the social perceptions of her actions as a leader. Her Elizabeth is one of the finest, even compared to such English screen greats as Cate Blanchett, Judi Dench and Glenda Jackson, who played the Virgin Queen in some of the most famous productions of the past decades. Sutcliffe, who has the play’s next most challenging and meaty character as Ned, is remarkably sympathetic as the dying actor

Used with permission from The Chicago Shakespeare company

who knows the similar pains of unfulfilled love.

Chicago Shakespeare favorite Kevin Gudahl’s Will Shakespeare is a wonderfully understated supporting character who provides further intellectual challenges for the troubled monarch.

This mostly entertaining, passionately acted

21st Century view of Elizabeth I runs until January 22 at Chicago Shakespeare Theatre on Navy Pier, at 800 E. Grand, literally on Chicago’s magnificent lakeshore. For ticket information, contact the theatre’s box office at 312 595-5600 or go online with inquires at www.chicagoshakes.com.

the stage gets gruesome Station Theatre hosts a few new injuries

by Jamils Tyler

Champaign’s Station Theatre kicks off its 2012 season with “Gruesome Playground Injuries,” a play by writer Rajiv Joseph. Premiering originally off-Broadway earlier this year, the play tells the story of Kayleen and Doug. Between the pair is a love story that spans thirty years, several bruises and breaks, and one memorable gouging.

“The play deals a lot with physical injuries, but those are just symbols of the scars they have on the inside,” said director Mathew Green. Green has worked at Station Theatre as both an actor and a director for eight seasons. “Gruesome” will mark his seventh time directing.

Green chose a minimalistic stage setting for “Gruesome”, stating that “I want to focus on the actors to tell the story.” The work is a two character piece that will require actors that are capable of both capturing the audience’s attention and being relatable. Luckily, Green had two people who were up to the task.

The task of playing Kayleen, a self-mutilator 10

buzz

Used with permission from Champaign’s Station Theatre

with an unloving father, was given to Katie Baldwin. Baldwin is a twelve-year veteran of Station Theatre. “Gruesome” will mark her seventh show with Green. Baldwin thinks that Kayleen is “a bit self-defeatist. She doesn’t really try

to change her situation in life. Doug is really the only person she talks to and relates to.”

Baldwin will attempt to put her own spin on the character. “I’m trying to give Kayleen some interest and not someone who’s only negative

or defeatist,” said Baldwin. “What I hoped for was to give her some layers.”

Doug, a daredevil enthusiast with a penchant for injuries, is played by Rob Zaleski. Zaleski first performed with Station Theatre in 2000, and“Gruesome” will be his third show opposite Baldwin. Zaleski is also on the publicity committee and handles the theatre’s social media presence. He said that he was drawn to the character of Doug because “I’ve had to really dig deep for him. It’s one of the most intense characters I’ve ever played.” Zaleski says that his close rapport with both Green and Baldwin have greatly helped him to develop the complicated relationship between Doug and Kayleen.

“In a very basic way, it’s about two people who are soulmates,” Green says. “It explores what it means to find that person and whether or not having a soulmate is a good thing.”

“Gruesome Playground Injuries” runs from January 5th to January 21st at Station Theatre.

I just want my SunnyD.

DECEMBER 22, 2011 - JANUARY 4, 2012

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NEW YEAR, NEW OUTFIT Channel your inner flapper to make this 2012 fashionable and fun

by Emma Cullen

N

ew Year’s Eve marks one of the most fashionable holidays of the year. Other holidays generally lack a universal dress code, but on New Year’s Eve, dressing formally and fashionably is expected. Upon thinking of typical New Year’s Eve wardrobes, a nostalgic image comes to mind, reminiscent of the 1920s flapper style.

It is all about sparkle, whether achieved through sequins, pearls, rhinestones or feathers — you name it, and it is qualified for New Year’s. However, New Year’s Eve is not a costume party, so it is essential to use flapper style for inspiration, but bring the look into modernity. There are a number of ways to do this originally and while simultaneously incorporating your own style and individuality.

Ideal color palettes for New Year’s Eve are faded, like an antique photograph. Light pink, dark purple, navy and black, all mixed with hints of gold and silver, are key and can be worn all together or in whatever combination works for you. Lace and ruffled skirts will propel an outfit to the adequate level of formality, and when combined with black or navy cut-out or patterned tights, also achieve some quirk. Sequined chiffon tops provide a means of balance with a skirt to keep the textures interesting but never overwhelming.

Urban Outfitters, though pricey, has a number of chiffon sequined crop tops with cohesive color combinations and New Year’s appropriate glitz.

Although uncomfortable, heels are a fashion staple on New Year’s Eve. Deep purple thickheeled stilettos or chunky black or beige wedges are great ways to keep an outfit in the present.

Suede shoes also tone down a busy look, which will help keep your New Year’s outfit focused.

Suede chunky shoes can be found in a variety of colors at places in C-U like Urban Outfitters

Used with permission from ammgramm and the Creative Commons

or Forever 21. There are also a number of thrift stores in Chicago where roaring ‘20s era kitten heels or patent leather pumps can give an outfit an authentic vintage touch.

Accessories should never be disregarded in giving styling advice, for they are the most unique components of outfits that set people apart from others. Lengthy strands of pearls or gold bracelets will complement your outfit

nicely and are prevalent in vintage stores. These accessories will provide the added bonus of a guarantee that no one else at your New Year’s party will be boasting the same piece.

Another jewelry option is the brooch. Vintage brooches are widely available, probably because they lack popularity among young people. However, they are a fun way to make your outfit stand out and give it personality.

They can be found in virtually every shape and color, and serve as spunky trinkets to make an outfit more personal. Brooches are like toys for women, so take advantage of all they offer and pick up one that suits you for New Year’s Eve. With a glamorous 1920s image in mind and the courage and creativity to insert individual and personal pieces into your outfit, ringing in 2012 will be done as it should: in style.

buzz

11

CALENDAR

DECEMBER 22, 2011 - JANUARY 4, 2012

Complete listing available at

THE217.COM/CALENDAR

SUBMIT YOUR EVENT TO THE CALENDAR: Online: forms available at the217.com/calendar • E-mail: send your notice to calendar@the217.com • Fax: 337-8328, addressed to the217 calendar Snail mail: send printed materials via U.S. Mail to: the217 calendar, Illini Media, 512 E. Green St., Champaign, IL 61820 • Call: 531-1456 if you have a question or to leave a message about your event.

THURSDAY 22 Art & other exhibits Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Weekday Orthodox Minyan and Breakfast The Hillel Foundation — The Margie K. and Louis N. Cohen Center for Jewish Life, 7:30am

Live music & karaoke

with Maggie Taylor Amara Yoga & Arts, 12pm Yarn ‘n Yak Rantoul Public Library, 7pm

FRIDAY 23 Art & other exhibits Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Art @ the Y presents ‘Waveland: A Meditation’ University YMCA, 9am

Live music & karaoke

‘Appy Hour Silvercreek, Liquid Courage Karaoke 5:30pm Memphis on Main, DJ Delayney 9pm Highdive, Keith Harden 10pm The Clark Bar, DJ Tommy Williams 6pm Chester Street, Bentley’s Thursday 9pm Night Karaoke Friday Night Live Bentley’s Pub, Champaign-Urbana Jewish 3pm Federation, DJ Ollie & DJ Hot Saus 6:45pm Highdive, KEITHMAS Celebration 10pm Iron Post, 9pm Mind, body, & spirit Karaoke w/ DJ Bange Counseling Center Phoenix, Among Women Support 9pm Group Asian American Cultural Mind, body, & spirit Center, Lunchtime Express 6:30pm Power Flow with Lunchtime Express Core Certified Yoga Teacher 12

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Amanda Reagan Amara Yoga & Arts, 12pm

Sports, games, & recreation Open Gym Volleyball Champaign County Brookens Administration Center, 5:30pm

SATURDAY 24 Art & other exhibits Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 10am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Live music & karaoke Jazz Music by Panache Jim Gould Restaurant, 7pm

Mind, body, & spirit Kids Yoga Amara Yoga & Arts, 10:30am

SUNDAY 25

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm

Live music & karaoke Open Mic Nite Phoenix, 7pm

Miscellaneous Big Homie presents Open Mic Night Phoenix, 7pm

Movies & theater Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 2pm

Sports, games, & recreation Big Dave’s Trivia Cowboy Monkey, 7pm

MONDAY 26 Art & other exhibits School of Art + Design Faculty Exhibition Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Poetry Workshop Red Herring Coffeehouse, 7:30pm

Art & other exhibits Live music & karaoke Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12pm Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Astral Convertible Stage Set

80’s Night w/ DJ Mingram Highdive, 10pm Abe Froman Project Monday Night Improv/ Rockstar Karaoke Mike ‘n Molly’s, 9pm Electro/Industrial

Night Chester Street, 9pm One Dollar Wild Mondays Canopy Club, 10pm MELD: Monday Evening Life Drawing Group McGown Photography, 7pm

Mind, body, & spirit Hatha Yoga with Grace Giorgio Amara Yoga & Arts, 5:30pm

Movies & theater Monday Night Comedy Illini Union, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Bingo Night Memphis on Main, 10pm

TUESDAY 27

5:30pm

Live music & karaoke DJ Hot Saus Highdive, 10pm RockStarz KaraokePresented by 3L Entertainment The Corner Tavern, 8pm Rockstarz Karaoke Chester Street, 10pm Dueling Guitars at Jupiters/Crossing Jupiter’s II, 8pm Open Mic Night Cowboy Monkey, 10pm The Piano Man Canopy Club, 9pm

Miscellaneous Man UP (Men’s Support/Social Group) Activities and Recreation Center (ARC), 7pm

Art & other exhibits Movies & theater Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 12pm Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Michael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Revive, Restore, Relax: Weston Wellness Weston Residence Hall, 3pm Slow Flow Yoga with Amanda Reagan Amara Yoga & Arts,

Israeli Movie Club Hillel Foundation - The Margie K. and Louis N. Cohen Center for Jewish Life, 7pm

Sports, games, & recreation Trivia Tuesdays Memphis on Main, 7pm

WEDNESDAY 28

chael Fuerst 133 West Main, 8am Cafe Ivrit Espresso Royale, 7pm Makeba!

Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am

Classes, lectures, & workshops Storyshop at the Branch Douglass Branch Library, 10:30am

Live music & karaoke Salsa Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 10pm Donnie Heitler -- Solo Piano Great Impasta, 6pm Open Mic Nite Phoenix, 7pm Coyote Ugly Night w/ DJ Stifler Highdive, 9pm DJ Tommy Williams Chester Street, 9pm

Mind, body, & spirit Canterbury Student Association Supper St. John the Divine Episcopal Church, 5:45pm Bible and Brew St. Andrew’s Lutheran Church and Campus Center, 8pm

Art & other exhibits Miscellaneous Warriors, Guardians, and Demons Spurlock Museum, 9am Jerusalem Saved! Inness and the Spiritual Landscape Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Astral Convertible Stage Set Krannert Art Museum and Kinkead Pavilion, 9am Watercolors, Photos and Drawings by Mi-

Open Mic Comedy Night Memphis on Main, 9pm Tango Dancing Cowboy Monkey, 7:30pm Gal Up The UP Center, 6pm

Like us on Facebook! facebook. com/ buzzmagazine Follow us on Twitter @ buzzMagCU buzz is taking original comic submissions!

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I want to pet you all day!

CU Sound off

december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

by Esteban Gast

What did you do when you were little that you don’t do now that you’re an adult?

G

rowing up can be a bit sad. As we grow older and more mature, we develop inhibitions and self-awareness. No longer can we randomly make weird noises and squeal in delight without attracting judgmental and horrified stares from strangers. No longer can you pick your nose, cry for no reason, eat candy like a fiend and make bracelets out of grass without the person next to you saying, “What are you, five?” I wish I was still five. There are so many fun things you do when you’re a kid that you don’t do any more now that you’re older. So what about you, CU? What are some things you used to do that you don’t do anymore?

Kevin Studer

Tim Nyguen

Amir Boubekri

Rachel Ganzer

Sophomore, LAS-Econ

LAS-MCB

LAS-MCB

LAS-Spanish Education

“Playing house with my neighbors. I was the father, and my friend was the mother, and we had a son.”

“Riding my bike and just cruising.”

“Waking up and going fishing…for honeys.”

“I miss when my parents read to me. They don’t do that anymore. I wish my dad read to me cause it was really good bonding.” buzz

13

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employment

HELP WANTED Part time

020

Ag/Ansi

Get great experience with pets and animal nutrition as a part-time sales associate for Prairieland FeedsAmerica's Country Store. Knowledge of pets/horses helpful. Some heavy lifting required.

Ask for a manager.

352-2232.

BUSINESS OPPS

050

$1000-3200/month to drive new cars with ads. www.FreeCarJobs.com

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SEMESTER LEASES Available January 15 thru May 15. Furnished Studio apartments across from Beckman Institute. $395/mo includes trash hauling, recycling and sewer fees. Other utilities not included. Call for an immediate showing.

Wampler Property Management 217-352-1335 www.WamplerApartments.com 1009 First St., Champaign Now leasing for 2012-13 Great location! 3BR & 4BR units $1370- $1900 Managed by Ramshaw Real Estate.

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I hate you so much I cough on you.

AND ANOTHER THING ...

DECEMBER 22, 2011 - JANUARY 4, 2012

BY MICHAEL COULTER

COULTER’S 2011 RECAP From Occupy Wall Street to Tim Tebow This past year has been a strange one. I realize it’s probably human nature to think everything that happens is stranger than it’s ever been before, but it’s probably not. It’s just different. Going by that, this past year was very… well, different. I could probably do some research or wait for a list to come out, but I thought it would be more fun to just try and remember all of the things I could. Hey, it’s also sort of easier to do it that way, but it’s not that easy, so let’s get started so we can get on with the new damned year already.

The first thing I thought of is that “Anonymous” deal. I find this captivating and awesome, and I eventually will find it very scary, but that time hasn’t quite gotten here yet. I’ll admit I don’t really know much about it, but that’s sort of the point. A loosely connected group of computer geeks doling out their own brand of justice seems sort of cool. They’re kind of like Clint Eastwood’s “Man with No Name.” You know, if Clint still lived in his parents’ basement.

I’ve probably pissed them off now, but what are they gonna do to me, make my column worse?

Good luck, fellas.

APARTMENTS Furnished

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This year also saw all of those Wall Street protestors. I don’t understand this very well and have made no effort to. I’m sure they believe their hearts to be in the right place, and they may be, but they just seem so douchey that it’s hard for me to be on their side. Who would have thought something bad would come about because the jam band Phish broke up? It appears many of their fans don’t have a damned thing to do these days.

It’s weird that there seems to be a certain amount of anarchy around today — far more than there used to be. I sort of like it in a screwed up way. It’s nice to dick with authority. I even thought of becoming an anarchist at one time, but the meetings were so disorganized it drove me crazy. Everyone was screaming and when they eventually came up with a plan, they had to disavow it immediately because having a plan is so not anarchy.

There was some other stuff, too. Everyone with a half a plan and a preexisting mental condition decided they would try to become the Republican presidential candidate. When John Huntsman is starting to look really, really good, it’s safe to say there might be a problem somewhere. Oh, I think the Iraq war may be over with, as well… again. Great, that really worked out for

420 APARTMENTS Unfurnished

430 APARTMENTS

705 S. Randolph, C.

SMITH APARTMENTS Now Renting for August 2012 217-384-1925 www.smithapartments-cu.com

1 Bedroom

610 W. Stoughton, U. 1004 S. Locust, C. 1106 S. Second, C.

2 Bedroom

58 E. Armory, C. 201 E. Armory, C. 604 W. Stoughton,C. 1004 S. Locust, C. 1009 W. Clark, U. 1010 W. Clark, U. 1012 W. Clark, U.

3 BR Now Avialable! $590.

Near Campus and Downtown Champaign. Call 217-352-8540 or view at www.faronproperties.com

SEASONAL SPECIAL 403 E. Elm, Urbana $525 - Move In NOW W/D in unit includes trash and parking

$500 $655 $550

$870 $930 $1000+ $640 - $850 $755 $845 $755

Parking & laundry available Apartments Furnished

everybody. Just a tip — you might want to leave all the guns and shit over there for a little while because otherwise, you’re just bringing them back and forth all the time.

Entertainment news was much more fun than all of this serious stuff. The wonderful Charlie Sheen went from being a terrible actor to being a crazy person to being the butt of jokes to being sort of amazing. Fine, “amazing” is probably a strong word, but the fact that he’s still breathing sort of makes him a badass. Trust me, he’ll never be as interesting as he was in the past year. Most of the other entertainers just annoyed the piss out of me.

We see you already, okay? Yes, you’re very special and a freaking national treasure. We’re all paying attention to you, so you can let up now. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, Katy Perry and Justin Bieber. Oh, I’m also talking to you Kardashians. Oh, yeah, I see you also, Rhianna. How much reinforcement do you all need before you’ll shut your idiot mouths for five or ten minutes? Oh, we didn’t forget you either, Miley. We see you. We’re just begging you to stop it. For the love of God, please stop it.

In sports, Tim Tebow is making being a Christian cool again. Okay, I’m joking, because no-

www.weinercompanies.com info@weinercompanies.com 217-384-8001

Rarely Available

Move In Today!!!

403 E. Elm, Urbana Washer/Dryer in Unit Parking & Trash Included $550/month www.weinercompanies.com info@weinercompanies.com 217-384-8001 The Weiner Companies, Ltd.

Unfurnished

605 W. University, C. 1 BR NOW AVAILABLE. Convenient, old-town Champaign location on busline. $410/mo.

View on our website and call 217-352-8540 for appointment. www.faronproperties.com

SUBLETS

Great 1BR and 2BR in Urbana, FREE parking and some free utilities, laundry, on bus lines to campus, and best of all.....

a short-term lease!

www.bz-management.com (217) 637-4104 or (217) 352-4104

440

SUBLEASE!

207 Green Champaign

by Red Lion, Brand New, Low Rent.

Call to inquire. 630-981-4978.

New Building on Stoughton

$503.75/mo. Roommates easy to get along with. Utilities are extra but reasonable. All male roommates.

Near Springfield/Wright bus stop. Inunit Washer/Dryer.

HOUSES FOR RENT SEMESTER LEASE Jan 2012

430 HOUSES FOR RENT

510

Fall 2012 3 and 6 bedroom 2 bath houses.

Great Campus Locations.

778-2094

806 W. Springfield, Urbana 5 bedroom furnished duplex

body could do that. Hell, David Bowie couldn’t make that sort of thing cool. Either way, Mr. Tebow is winning some football games, and he gives all the credit to his personal savior. I don’t know — If I were God, I think I’d pick a talented and less dip shitty representative, but I suppose God has a plan… a weird and terrible plan.

Besides that, my beloved St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series… and then promptly lost their best player to free agency. I’ve made my peace with the whole thing. Albert said it was God’s will. I had no idea God had an extra fifty million dollars to throw around like that. Geez, I liked sports a lot better when the Holy Spirit wasn’t involved.

So now we’ve got 2012 to look forward to. If you go by that Mayan calendar, this may not be that good of a year at all. The forecast is gloomy with a chance of flaming asteroids. On the other hand, it will give me a certain amount of joy to see all of the freakshows out there predicting the end of the world every four or five days.

Maybe they’ll be right sometime. Eventually, they have to be. My guess is that it won’t end, at least not quickly. Every year seems to get weirder, but when it’s all over, it doesn’t really seem that bad. It’s almost too interesting to stop now.

510 ROOMS

530 PARKING / STORAGE 570

6 Bedrooms

Campus rooms for rent from $280.

367-6627

712 W California in Urbana

Large, furnished room available immediately in beautiful Victorian house, two blocks from campus, Urbana. Family-style, co-ed living with other graduate students. Includes many amenities and utilities.

Six month lease. $515/mo.

Julie: 630-759-5932

Furnished Remodled Large Campus House. Fall 2012.

On Wright St. across from nano engineering. Free parking and laundry. 778-2094.

Available 2012. 10 bedroom, 2 bathroom house, washer & dryer, and close to all bus lines. $269/room.

Call George (217) 367 6626

BIG HOUSE

Short-term Lease

Parking Engineering Campus 4 Blocks to Union $40.00/month 344-3008

PARKING Lincoln & Green 5th/6th & White 1st & Daniel Oak & John

ROOMMATE WANTED 550

217-337-8852 www.mhmproperties.com

Roommate Needed

8-10 Person 5 Baths FREE PARKING Pool Table, Rec-Room www.zhengrentals.com 841-5407

One bedroom in 4 bedroom apartment available on Engineering/ Computer Science campus.

Everything included (Utilities, internet, TV). Fully furnished (including TV, kitchen stuff and all).

Total $495/mo. 4 or 6 month lease.

344-3008

Fall 2012

CAMPUS HOUSES

101 E. Armory, 8-11 person 803 S. First, 8-9 person 312 E. Clark, 4-5 person 314 E. Clark, 5-6 person 303 S. Fifth, 4-5 person www.mhmproperties.com 337-8852

Need to make some extra cash?

Check today’s Daily Illini Classified section

$2400/month 3 bathrooms Parking Included Central a/c Pet Friendly The Weiner Companies, Ltd. www.weinercompanies.com 217-384-8001 PANTONE 138

PANTONE COOL GRAY 6

buzz

PANTONE 138

PANTONE COOL GRAY 6

15

december 22, 2011 - january 4, 2012

readbuzz.com

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY ARIES

(March 21-April 19) In North America, a farmer who grows wheat gets only five percent of the money earned by selling a loaf of bread made from his crop. When my band recorded an album for MCA, our contract called for us to receive just seven percent of the net profits. I encourage you to push for a much bigger share than that for the work you do in 2012. It will be an excellent time to raise the levels of respect you have for your own gifts, skills, and products -- and to ask for that increased respect, as well.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20)

For much of the 19th century, aluminum was regarded as a precious metal more valuable than gold. It was even used for the capstone of the Washington Monument, dedicated in 1884. The reason for this curiosity?

Until the 1890s, it was difficult and expensive to extract aluminum from its ore. Then a new technology was developed that made the process very cheap. In 2012, Taurus, I’m predicting a metaphorically similar progression in your own life. A goodie or an asset will become more freely available to you because of your increased ability to separate it from the slag it’s mixed with.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20)

The coming year will be a good time for you to consider investigating the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Devotees of this religion call themselves Pastafarians. Their main dogma is the wisdom of rejecting all dogma. Having such a light-hearted approach to spiritual matters would be quite healthy for you to experiment with. For extra credit, you could draw inspiration from a church member named Niko Alm. He convinced authorities to allow him to wear a pasta strainer on his head for his driver’s license photo. Having a jaunty approach to official requirements and formal necessities will also serve you well.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22)

Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life is an ambitious work that deviates from formulaic approaches to film-making.

Some observers hated its experimental invocation of big ideas, while others approved. New York Times critic A.O. Scott compared the movie to Herman Melville’s Moby Dick, one of America’s great works of literature.

Here’s what Scott wrote: “Mr. Malick might have been well advised to leave out the dinosaurs and the trip to the afterlife and given us a delicate chronicle of a young man’s struggle with his father and himself. And perhaps Melville should have suppressed his philosophizing impulses and written a lively tale of a whaling voyage.”

Using this as a template, Cancerian, I urge you to treat 2012 as a time when you will be like Melville and Malick in your chosen field. Trust your daring, expansive vision.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22)

I love the way they celebrate the New Year in Stonehaven, Scotland. A procession of revelers swings big flaming baskets around on the ends of long chains.

I recommend that you carry out a comparable ritual as you barge into 2012, Leo. Symbolically speaking, it would set the perfect tone. The coming months should be a kind of extended fire festival for you -- a time when you faithfully stoke the blaze in your belly, the radiance in your eyes, and the brilliance in your heart. Are you ready to bring all the heat and light you can to the next phase of your master plan? I hope so. Burn, baby, burn.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Historian David McCullough wrote The Greater Journey, a book telling the stories of ambitious young American artists who relocated to Paris between 1830 and 1900. They had to move away because their home country had no museums or art schools at that time.

You Virgos may want to consider seeking a similar enlargement of your possibilities in the coming months.

As you seek out the resources that will help you follow your dreams, be prepared to look beyond what you already know and what’s immediately available.

16

buzz

DECEMBER 22 –JANUARY 4

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

JONE SIN’

by Matt Jones

“Their Hearts Grew Three Sizes That Day”--a veritable Who’s Whoville.

Professional basketball player Ron Artest petitioned the court to let him change his name to “Metta World Peace.” “Metta” is a Buddhist term that signifies lovingkindness and benevolence. When the new moniker finally became official, Metta World Peace sealed a radical shift away from his old way of doing things, symbolized by the time he leaped into the stands in the middle of a game to punch a fan in the head. The coming months will be an excellent time for you Libras to initiate a rite of passage that will expedite an equally dramatic transformation.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Many of the questions we had as children never got resolved or answered to our satisfaction. They still remain marinating in the back of our minds. Meanwhile, fresh queries keep welling up within us as the years go by.

After a while, we’ve got a huge collection of enigmas, riddles, and conundrums. Some of us regard this as a tangled problem that weighs us down, while others see it as a sparkly delight that keeps making life more and more interesting. Where do you stand on the issue, Scorpio? If you’re in the latter group, you will be fully open to the experiences that will be flowing your way in 2012. And that means you will be blessed with a host of sumptuous and catalytic new questions.

The first half of 2012 will be an excellent time to for you to exorcize any prejudices you might be harboring toward anyone who lives or thinks differently from you.

You’ll be able to see your own irrational biases with exceptional clarity, and are also likely to have exceptional success at scouring yourself free of them. This will give you access to new reserves of psychic energy you didn’t even realize you were shut off from. (P.S. I’m not saying you possess more intolerance or narrow-mindedness than any of the rest of us. It’s just that this is your time to deal brilliantly with your share of it.)

In Botticelli’s painting The Birth of Venus, the goddess of beauty and love is shown arriving on dry land for the first time after having been born in the ocean. Naked, she is trying to cover her private parts with her hand and thigh-length hair. Her attendant, a fully clothed nymph, is bringing a cloak to cover her up. Analyzing this scene, art critic Sister Wendy suggests it’s actually quite sad. It symbolizes the fact that since we humans can’t bear the confrontation with sublime beauty, we must always keep it partly hidden. Your assignment in the coming year, Capricorn, is to overcome this inhibition. I invite you to retrain yourself so that you can thrive in the presence of intense, amazing, and transformative beauty.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The coming months will be an excellent time to take an inventory of your life to determine whether there are any ways in which you act like a slave. Do you find it hard to defeat an addiction that saps your energy and weakens your ability to live the life you want? Are there institutions that you help sustain even though they cause harm to you and others? Is it hard for you to change or end your relationships with people who are no damn good for you? Are you trapped in a role or behavior that is at odds with your high ideals? Discover what these oppressors are, Aquarius -- and then summon all your intelligence and willpower to escape them.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20) California engineer Ron Patrick put a jet engine in his silver VW Beetle. Now he’s got a 1,450-horsepower vehicle -- but it’s not legal for him to drive on public highways. In the coming year, Pisces, I suspect you’ll be tempted to try something similar: create a dynamic tool with a modest appearance or a turbo-charged source of energy in a deceptively small package. But if you do, please make sure that you can actually use it to improve your ability to get around and make your life better.

Stumped? Find the solutions in the Classifieds pages.

Across 1 Taste tea 4 Prefix with scope 8 Stitch together 13 Razz from the audience 14 “Come away with me on ___” (Norah Jones line) 15 “Get ___ on!”

16 Mine, in Paris 17 Hits the road with the band 19 The underworld chase for author Deighton?

21 Injured baseball players go on them: abbr.

22 Response of agreement 23 “Crouching Tiger” director Ang 24 52, to Caesar 25 Ending for rubber 28 Numbers, pre-manipulation 31 Start of a “Flintstones” shout 33 Physicist Schrodinger of theoretical cat fame 34 Things you know are going to be in former Virginia governor Chuck’s recycling?

38 Like some unions or wars 39 Strength 40 Most smooth 43 “Broadway Joe” 46 Different spelling, in crosswords: abbr.

47 Part of a school yr.

49 Kindle buy 51 Not feeling so hot 52 Football Hall-of-Famer Ronnie, playing an extra in “Lord of the Rings”?

55 Nerve-wracking event 57 Suit to ___ 58 Crux 59 Fix the soundtrack 60 Former Steelers coach Chuck 61 Munster or Vedder 62 Long swimmers 63 Boxing wins

Down 1 Jacob’s son, in the Bible 2 Tristan’s partner 3 Active hallucinogen in funny mushrooms 4 Part of a magazine 5 Black, poetically 6 Oscar winner Mercedes for “The Fisher King” 7 Manufacturer 8 “To Die For” director Gus Van __ 9 Pro at the scene of the accident 10 Santa Monica cemetery home to dozens of dead celebrities 11 Inflammation of that dangly thing in the back of your throat

12 Fluffy housecat 13 Derisive (or James Brown-ish) laughs 18 ___-Day vitamins 20 Popular 26 Flow counterpart 27 Cleanup hitter’s stat 29 “Yeah, I know that person...”

30 Failed to come up with anything 32 Reply: abbr.

34 Competed with for superiority 35 More information than is desired 36 Long Island Iced Tea ingredient 37 ___ pinch 38 Dish of fish cooked in citrus juice 41 Lat. and Lith., once 42 That’s a laugh 44 Overly, emphatically 45 Monopoly buildings 48 HLN host Robin 50 Music company known for compilations advertised on TV 52 Head of a French society 53 “Austin Powers” surname 54 They wear jerseys in Jersey 56 ___ Lankan