COM M E N T FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS CARMEL WYNNE
What is a friend?
HONESTY IN A FRIENDSHIP INVOLVES WAY MORE THAN SIMPLY TELLING THE TRUTH. IT INVOLVES HAVING INTEGRITY, BEING GENUINE, AUTHENTIC AND TRUSTWORTHY What is the logical thing to do if you want to know the meaning of a word? Does it surprise you to know that the answer is age-related? Younger people immediately go online to look the word up on Google. People who may be older or not computer literate are more likely to look it up in a dictionary. Dictionaries give limited information compared to what you will find online. Our copy of the Oxford dictionary is on a high shelf. It measures 11x9 inches and weighs almost 7lbs. Rather than take it down, I find it easier to go online to look up the definition of a word. It's also more fun and much more interesting. You can look up the five-gift rule, the three-gift rule, and the etiquette for giving Christmas gifts. For example, some online definitions of the word 'friend' are: 'A person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations,' and 'A friend is someone other than your family or partner that you share close affection with. You share kindness, sympathy, empathy, compassion, loyalty, fun, and probably some common beliefs and values with them.' Google gives a variety of definitions for any word you look up, a list of the questions people ask about the word and other information. If you want to learn about the qualities of a good friend, the 13 essential
traits of good friends, 11 signs of a genuine friendship, and the nine 'must knows' of a great friendship, look online. The closest definition I found online to what I believe about friendship is, 'Good friends are loyal and accept you for who you are during the good and bad times. Good friends are also honest – honest enough to tell you when you're not being a good friend yourself.' There is a widespread belief that a caring friend should withhold information that might be hurtful or upsetting. The positive intention may be to spare a person's feelings. But honesty is the foundation of trust in a friendship. Honesty in a friendship involves way more than simply telling the truth. It involves having integrity, being genuine, authentic and trustworthy. A brief definition of integrity is: 'The quality of being honest, trustworthy and living by strong moral principles.' Isn't it sad that a person who dares to tell the plain, unvarnished truth can sometimes be perceived as insensitive? Expressions like 'too honest for his or her own good' or 'brutal honesty' devalue both honesty and integrity. People know intuitively when someone lives in accordance with their deepest values. They value the integrity of someone who is honest with everyone, and who will always keep their
word. Integrity is such a highly valued trait that if a 'good friend' unknowingly says something that isn't true, people will have confidence that it was a genuine mistake. When asked for an honest opinion, do you answer instantly with your first uncensored thought, or do you pause to consider how to reply? If you need to second-guess how the person will react before you speak, you may have a trust issue. People intuitively pick up on a tiny pause and, depending on the quality of the relationship, assign it a meaning. The majority of us spend an enormous amount of time trying to second-guess the thoughts, feelings, intentions and attitudes of others. When we shield someone from the whole truth, the underlying belief is that we do not trust that the person has what it takes to make good choices and decisions. From the best of motives, we decide what information to reveal and what must be censored to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. To stop someone from making a perceived bad decision may be the positive intention, but the action demonstrates an enormous lack of respect for the other's skills and capabilities. The non-verbal message is: I have superior knowledge. I know better than you. The belief that a good friend feels a responsibility to protect
you from the truth goes against almost everything we have learned about friendship. In her book Flourishing, Dr Maureen Gaffney says, 'To be seen as honest or trustworthy, someone has to be honest at all times and in all their dealings with you.' You must really love someone to tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Finding the correct language to convey an unflattering truth is a challenge. My good friend Colm had a loving way to answer truthfully if I asked him a question like, "Be honest, how do I look in this?" A wise man and a good friend, he'd grin and say, "I refuse to comment on the grounds that I might incriminate myself."
Carmel Wynne is a life and work skills coach and lives in Dublin. For more information, visit www.carmelwynne.org
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