COM M E N T FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS CARMEL WYNNE
WHEN FEELINGS OF LOVE WEAR OFF
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE WHEN TWO PEOPLE LIVE TOGETHER
It’s
said that the search for romantic love and the perfect relationship has filled the space where religion used to be. We live in a secular society. Fewer couples who marry opt for a church wedding. Couples getting married today are more likely to have the wedding and reception in the same venue. It's not uncommon for people to co-habit, to live together for a trial period to see if they are compatible before they consider getting married. The belief that it is easy to move on from a couple relationship that doesn't work out is a fallacy. Nobody walks away unscarred when a couple relationship ends. Whether it's a bad marriage that lasted decades or a student romance that ended before graduation, break-ups are painful. The perception that people move on with their lives and find other loves needs to be challenged. It is not unusual for young adults to have more than one long-term monogamous relationship before they feel ready to get married. Statistics from the CSO (Central Statistics Office) in Ireland show that the average man is 36.8 years old when getting married while the average woman is 34.1 years old. The age is higher for same-sex marriage. Studies show that couples who marry from their late 20s onwards have a better chance of making the marriage work. With
maturity, people recognise how easy it is to believe they are in love when, in reality, they are experiencing a passing physical attraction, which they mistake for true love. Two people can see each other across a crowded room and fall instantly in love at any age. By its very nature, the belief that you have found your soulmate generates very powerful and real emotions. In that magical moment of instant attraction, there is a dramatic intuitive knowing. Fate has intervened. This is going to be 'the one,' the soulmate of your dreams. Being newly in love is a blissful experience. Nearly always, there is a strong element of fantasy involved. Those who believe in the myth of romantic love are more likely to fall in love at first sight. Someone who is in love is completely besotted by the other person, experiencing an intoxicating, exclusive and exciting oneness. These exhilarating feelings are temporary, lose their intensity and inevitably fade. Teenagers who fall passionately in love for the first time believe this is 'the real thing.' 'In love' feelings are incredibly intense. Usually, first romances don't last but dealing with the heartbreak when a relationship ends is an important life lesson. A break-up is inevitable when the couple has differences of opinion and either person discovers that their beloved cannot give them what they
want, value and need in a couple relationship. It's amazing how quickly the wonderful explosion of excitement and exhilaration can burn itself out like a magnificent firework. As soon as the 'in love' feelings wear off, the bliss of being in love wanes. Once the romantic energy is lost, disillusionment sets in, and the couple must decide how committed they are to making the relationship work. To remain in a happy, fulfilling, committed relationship with another person is challenging and demands a lot of hard work. Marriages are probably the toughest and most rewarding of all relationships to keep emotionally healthy, happy and mutually satisfying. Happiness in a relationship does not depend on harmony. Conflict is inevitable when two people live together. Rows have the potential to either strengthen the relationship or end it. 'Partner' is the word journalists use when they don't want to specify whether they are talking about a couple who is married or living together. It's a fitting word for the creative developing partnership that keeps a marriage vibrant and alive. There is a widespread belief that living together before marriage will show whether two people will be compatible and enjoy deeper intimacy after marriage, but this isn't necessarily so. Some people need to be in a relationship so much that
they are hardly ever not in one. Serial monogamy is the practice of having one exclusive sexual relationship after another. Many serial monogamists start each new relationship optimistically with great expectations of how their partner is or will be. When the partner doesn't measure up, they gradually lose their attraction and liking, fall out of love and set out to find someone more handsome, beautiful or sexy, only to meet disappointment again. Romantic energy wanes, and problems, differences and disagreements arise in every couple relationship. The legacy of pain, heartache and emotional damage after a passionate relationship ends always leaves a scar.
Carmel Wynne is a life and work skills coach and lives in Dublin. For more information, visit www.carmelwynne.org
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