4 minute read
CARMEL WYNNE
FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS
CARMEL WYNNE LOVE’S DILEMMA
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WHEN WE LOVE SOMEONE, WE TELL THEM THE TRUTH, EVEN WHEN IT IS DIFFICULT
Do you think it is acceptable to tell lies if your motivation is to be kind? Most of us who answer “Yes” to this question are likely to genuinely believe that we have the best interests of others at heart when we are economical with the truth.
For many of us, our day-to-day life presents what comedian Jerry Seinfeld calls “must-lie situations”, in which people lie precisely because they believe it is the right thing to do. For example, if someone asks how they look going into a job interview, the only acceptable answer is “You look incredible,” regardless of whether this is true or not.
Earlier in my life I believed the loving thing to do was to protect the people I cared about from emotional pain. To spare a friend’s feelings, I avoided saying anything that might upset them, sound hurtful, appear disagreeable or lead to disagreement, conflict or a row.
Often I censored the truth and withheld information because I genuinely believed that it was the right thing to do. I made what I believed were informed decisions about just how much of the truth a friend or family member could handle.
My late husband Colm had a very different outlook. His belief was that it is not a sign of loving someone to withhold information you believe will cause pain or upset. It is understandable that you want to spare a person’s feelings. But when you truly love someone, you tell them the truth. You want them to have all the available information to make the right decision.
STOP AND THINK
In 1997 I was diagnosed with breast cancer the day before one of my four daughters was due to go on holidays to Germany. On the same day, her grandaunt Esther, who died from breast cancer, was buried. In our family cancer is ‘the big C’. Her paternal grandmother, two granduncles, uncles and a grandaunt died from cancer.
My maternal instinct was to protect her. Say nothing. Let her go to Germany and have a wonderful holiday. It would be time enough to break the news of the diagnosis on her return. Her dad had a different viewpoint and explained how withholding information might backfire
He said, “It’s your decision Carmel, but please stop and think. Because you love her, tell her the truth. I know this is hard on you but if you withhold information, you run the risk of destroying trust. And we both know that there is nothing either of us can do to make her trust us again, if she feels terribly let down that we concealed the truth and hid the diagnosis. Just imagine her alone, hurt, angry, and distressed if she finds out that you’re in hospital while she’s away.”
It was a shocking image that taught me a monumental life lesson that changed my outlook, my mindset and my behaviour. And believe me, this made such an enormous difference seven years later, when our family faced a similar dilemma about health issues. The dilemma of how much to say, when you have to reveal bad news, may not be yours today, but it could be some day.
THE BEST YOU CAN
In 2014 my daughter’s father-inlaw, who lived abroad, had a stroke and was seriously ill. At the same time her own father was terminally ill and in hospice care. She was torn between travelling with her husband and child, and spending the last few precious days with her dad, who was an amazing father, a man of integrity who spoke his mind.
He felt that her place was with her husband and child. His promise to her if she made the decision to travel was, “Go, and I will try to be here when you get back.” He kept that promise. The day after she returned, he died.
Trust is fragile and easily destroyed. We all know that people lie. Some lie by omission when they conceal, censor and withhold information. Some tell little white lies. Others believe that certain lies are acceptable, but not fake news. I’ve known families who hide, censor and conceal so much information that they no longer remember what is true and accurate.
Even when the motivation is positive, the uncomfortable truth for all of us is that trust is broken if we’re wondering who or what to believe. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to repair the damage when someone betrays our trust.
The best advice I heard about how not to feel guilty about my own past mistakes, came from poet and philosopher Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better do better.”
