Creating Safe Spaces for Little Faces

HANGZHOU FAMILY

Creating Safe Spaces for Little Faces

By David Smith

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HANGZHOU FAMILY

We’ve been working on potty training our three-yearold since she was at least eighteen months or so. At the beginning, it was more about getting her interested. Then we transitioned to her being out of a diaper during the day unless we knew we weren’t going to be around a toilet that was convenient. However, the one leap we hadn’t yet taken was taking away the diaper at nap and night time. After some time, we finally decided to make the jump to her being without a diaper, no matter what.

A few nights ago, she woke up crying around 11pm so I got up to go check on her and see what was wrong. By the time I got to her room, she was standing in her door way crying. I knelt down and asked what was wrong and she told me she had an accident. Sometimes she mistakes needing to go for already having gone so I went to reach for her pajamas to check if they were wet. As I was reaching, she pulls back and says, “No, don’t touch me!” This shocked me a little, so I asked, “Why can’t daddy check you?”. Her next words crushed me as a parent. In the

saddest voice possible she says, “Cause I had an accident and I’m all wet”.

I could tell by her tone of voice and the way she was responding that she was embarrassed and was afraid she was going to be in trouble. At first, I wanted to respect what she was saying by not touching her but then I also didn’t want to concrete these feelings that she was having of shame and fear. I decided to go against what she was saying and hoped for the best.

I sat down on the floor in front of her, stretched out my arms, wrapped them around her, and pulled her in tight. She was still apprehensive and wasn’t really responding. So, I pulled her back to where we were looking eye to eye and I said, “Eme, it’s ok. You’re still learning. This is all new to you and it’s going to happen. Dad’s not mad.”

As soon as I said those words, her body melted into mine and she laid on my shoulder. I could feel the weight of the shame and fear lifting off of her in that moment and I was so thankful for that. It is built into a child’s psyche for them to need to feel a sense of safety and security. If we look at the surface, it seems easy: provide a home, feed them, take care of them, etc. Unfortunately, that’s where most people stop – the surface. But the reality is that this goes well beyond that and is something that should be dug into.

Not only do children need to feel a sense of physical security but they also need to feel a sense of emotional security as well. They need to know that it’s ok for them to express their feelings and that there is someone who is going to listen to them and hear them. In our home, we strive to create a safe environment where our kids feel they can express their feelings

and emotions and know that they can talk about them without fear of judgement or condemnation. We do this a few ways that I’ll share below.

Get on their level

When our kids are talking to us, we do our best to make sure that we are on their level. We either kneel down to them or pick them up to us. This creates a bond and connection because they are looking at you face to face and making eye contact. This not only communicates that they have our attention, but it also communicates that we are listening.

Listen

When our children are expressing how they feel about something, we need to make sure that we are listening. I am super guilty of not completely listening and giving half answers at times. But our children need to know that we are listening to them and that what they say matters.

Don’t minimize their feelings

We need to make sure that we are reassuring them of their safety and security if they are expressing a fear while also making sure we aren’t minimizing how they feel. If a child feels something, it’s for a reason. The reason may not be sensible to an adult but for a child, with a tiny world view, something might be downright terrifying or concerning. We try our best not to use the phrase “You’re fine” because, in my opinion, that phrase minimizes the way they are feeling. Instead we say, “It’s going to be ok.”

There’s so much more that can be done to make sure we are creating spaces where our kids feel they can express their emotions, but I think these things are the foundation of it all. Once we get a handle on these first steps, the rest that follow will be easier to implement and carry out in the home.

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