SPOT The Control Drama Queen or King, The EASY Way! Finding Your Perfect Partner Can Never Be Easier! 3 ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO GET WHAT YOUR WANT IN THE WAY YOUR WANT IT
By Melody Chase Visit http://www.LoveByDesignBook.com or http://www.CounsellorInABox.com 1|Page
(A great summary of our life passions, our research and all our life works!) “Save Your Marriage Today & Stop Your Divorce!” http://www.CounsellorInABox.com
“Find Out Your Love Compatibility With Your Partner!” http://www.LoveByDesignBook.com
“How To Find & Attract Your Soulmate and Life Companion!” http://www.TrueLoveOnDemand.com
“Bring Back A Lost Love – FULL System, works for millions of users since 2002!!!” http://www.retrievealover.com/rob/winbackyourlover.html
“500 Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know!” http://www.500SecretsAboutMen.com/rob/attractmen.html
“500 Secrets About Girls Every Guy Should Know!” http://www.500SecretsAboutGirls.com/rob/whatwomenwant.html
“Attract A True Love Secrets!” http://www.AttractATrueLoveSecrets.com/rob/attractionsecrets.html
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What is a Control Drama? A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which is often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that the people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship. More details to come as we get in the article. First however, see if any of the following control dramas are ways or techniques that use you to get what you want in your relationship:
1. Criticism or guilt 2. Charm, gifts, doing stuff for another 3. Crying 4. Yelling or Screaming 5. Threats, verbal or physical 6. Pulling away, shutting down or not talking to your partner 7. Hurting yourself, breaking things (consciously or unconsciously) or throwing things 8. Being nice 9. Giving affection or sex 10. Using security, children, money, relatives, using social pressure, (i.e. what will our friends and family say or think if you don’t do…) or any combination of people, places and things to get what you want. You may be thinking that some of the examples above are things that people naturally do if they are upset such as crying or yelling, however everything on the list can be forms of control dramas. Most people who use control dramas do not know of or are not aware of any other ways to get their needs met. Often these techniques are ones people
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develop in order to get what they want that has been developed or has been passed on from people around them, usually family and relatives. The majority of the time control dramas are ineffective because it is a form of indirect communication instead of direct communication. Indirect communication is where people don’t say clearly what they think, feel or want but give indirect clues or hints as to what they really feel, think or want where as Direct communication can be defined as people saying upfront and clearly what they think, feel and want. Other times you may get what you want by using control dramas but at a cost such as upsetting, angering or oppressing your partner by forcing your partner in ways that are not comfortable to them. I.e. yelling, throwing things, crying. If this is the case, in the case of energetics, where ever there is oppression, they will always be resistance, so eventually your partner will start to resist your control dramas whether that is retaliating themselves, emotionally shutting down or leaving the relationship. To hit these two points home, the following are the effects if you use control dramas in your relationship: EFFECTS ON YOU IF YOU USE CONTROL DRAMAS: • • • • •
You will often not get what you want You will feel frustrated You will feel disappointed You will feel unsupported You will feel exhausted from the excursion of energy needed for the control dramas.
EFFECTS ON YOUR PARTNER IF YOU USE CONTROL DRAMAS: • • • • • •
They will feel burnt out They will lose respect for you They will begin to think you are exaggerating so they won’t take you seriously like you are “crying wolf” They will begin to go on defense like not willing to understand you anymore they will start reacting with their own control dramas. They may think you are a “bitch” or a controlling a-hole They will regret getting involved with you, if it becomes constant.
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EFFECTS ON BOTH OF YOU AS A COUPLE Both of you will become susceptible to Barbara Deangelis’s 4 Rs known as Resistance, Resentment, Rejection and Repression and what we call in our Love By Design Book, (www.lovebydesignbook.com) called the Great Dividers of Love such as Judgment, Disappointment, Unfulfilled Expectations and Loss of Respect Both of these types of results can build up in a relationship, making it harder and harder to reconcile the relationship the longer and more often these emotions keep being created. EFFECTS ON CHILDREN Your children will learn these control dramas from you and continue using them themselves when they develop relationships, causing the control dramas to be passed down through generations. So far we have discusses how direct communication highly increases your ability to get what you want and that control dramas can having lasting negative effects on the relationship, finding a more direct, non conflict causing form of communication also increases your ability to find out whether your partner: 1) Understands what your needs are 2) Is unable to meet your needs or 3) Is just not interested in meeting your needs Therefore a better system than control dramas is needed. You are reading the right article because the following are 3 ways to really get what you want: 1) Know what you want 2) Know how the communicate it 3) Do not be afraid to directly ask for what you want.
1) KNOW WHAT YOU WANT If you only have a vague idea of what you want, how is your partner going to know? People often expect other people just to automatically know what it is you want as if it is common knowledge. However people would be surprised to know just how different we are all. We often just think that we want is what other people want, but everyone is unique, so there is no way that people are always going to know what you want, no matter how well they
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know you, how long they know you, whether they are people smart or a pysic mind reader. Then on top of that, if you are not completely sure of what you want or are unconscious of what you want, control dramas are going to be highly ineffective for you. So your first assignment is to clearly discover what you want, and which way you want it in. This is especially important if you understand some of the metaphysical universal laws, such as what you focus on expands and what you are seeking, is seeking you. These laws are not way out there either; it is simple laws of physics. So clarity goes a long way. Here are some tips as to what to look for: • • • • • •
What are your values? What is your vision? What is your lifestyle? What is your personality and what are your personality’s needs? What are your communication modes and styles? What are your needs, wants and requirements or deal breakers in a relationship?
In our society we are taught to believe in the competitive adversarial paradigm, were we are taught that we have to fight, struggle and compete in life to get what we want because we don’t have the power to get what we want in any other way and because it is not an abundant universe. However, by simply knowing what you want and having clarity about it, you can draw in what you want with out having to struggle, fight, and compete and … yes use control dramas. This clarity will clear a path for you, which will assist in your relationship, because your partner will then have an easier time understanding what you want and be able to give you want you want, and if they can’t or won’t they will either increase to a new level of consciousness in order to be able to give you what you want or will leave the picture and someone who can will enter into your life, all with minimum conflict as long as your have clarity and are not trying to force your partner into anything. 2) COMMUNICATE WHAT YOU WANT:
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Whether you believe in metaphysics or not, one thing is for sure, there is absolutely no harm, in communicating what you want. In fact harm can be caused if you do not directly communicate. So it is very important to learn non conflictual ways to communicate with your partner as well as learn what your partner’s communication style and modes are. . Simply put, increasing your ability to directly communicate directly increases your ability to communicate. Different communication techniques work for different people so you will have to find which ones work best for you and your partner, but what is the most important thing is your attitude towards the communication and what it means. What I mean by that is the by taking the steps to learn to communicate indicates that you are interested in communicating with your partner and understand the importance to the relationship. 3) DO NOT BE AFRAID TO DIRECTLY ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT There are many reasons why people choose not to directly communicate; often they are not consciously aware of them. Some of the most common reasons include: People are usually Pleasure or Pain Avoidant Centred, meaning that people either move towards pleasure or away from pain. Many people who are Pain Avoidant Centred consider conflict or the potential of conflict to be painful so they “move away” from it such as avoiding it or trying to couch it in the form of indirect communication. Certain personalities like Amiables, which are people who are into harmony and everyone getting along are also common people who use indirect communication or avoid communication all together to avoid conflict. Some people have a belief system that everyone should be catering to them, therefore it is the other person’s responsibility to understand them and give them what they want, it is not their responsibility to communicate their needs, and their partner is expected to already know or take the initiative to know or find out. Then there are people who have low self esteem or the belief that they do not deserve what they want, so they will not ask and just hope that the other person may give them what they want. Inevitably even a person who feels undeserving will begin control dramas even if it is by going into
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a state of depression because they are not getting what they want in the way that they want it. In any of these cases, the bottom line is that directly communicating will get you what you want, or at the very least you will find out whether your partner can or wants to give you want you want. For pain-centred people, if they can look a the big picture, delaying conflict increases the chances of conflict, if you are a pain avoider person, take an honest look at your past history and you will know what I mean. For the people are to cater to you people, like the pain avoiders look at your past history and think about how successful you are getting what you want and you may discover that taking a moment to directly communicate will actually save you time and effort. As for the people who feel undeserving, it may be hard to believe, but you to have the ability to create your subjective reality and drawn in what you want in life. That is your right as a human, regardless of how you feel about yourself. When you can learn to believe that you are deserving you see how quickly other people will feel the same about you creating a world where you not be punished or judged for having what you want. This article may have turned pretty deep towards the end, however learning different ways of communicating and having a different philosophy about communication not only is the best way to having a fulfilling relationship, but a fulfilling life as well.
Melody Chase is a Counselor, Published Author and Writer at the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre and is the Co-author of Love by Design at www.LoveByDesignBook.com, and Counsellor In A Box Home Study Course at www.CounsellorInABox.com. She can be reached by email at msmelody@shaw.ca Melody is an excellent relationship coach, professional counselor and consultant with over 10 years of experiences helping individuals and couples resolve ANY of their relationship and marriage issues!
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