How to Resolve Past Relationship Issues? by Cucan Pemo

CLOSURE Finding Your Way out of a Difficult Relationship Situation By Dr Robby Bilton http://www.TrueLoveOnDemand.com The following is a recording transcript by Rob Bilton, Director/ Counsellor of the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre and Melody, his life partner/ LMC Relationship Counsellor. This article is a transcription of a recording of a conversation between Melody and Rob who are authors of the book “Love by Design” which can be found at www.lovebydesignbook.com . As well Rob has written a book for those who want to find the love of their life and ultimate relationship. Its available at www.trueloveondemand.com . If you have questions contact Rob or Melody at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca If you are looking for answers and solutions to difficult relationship or marriage problems, you will find the range of books and resources we have for you at our sites listed below VERY useful and beneficial!!! :) Get FREE Videos, templates and reports from http://www.CounsellorInABox.com/FreeVideos.html

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ROB: Well, are you thinking about leaving your relationship or have you left your relationship and are looking for closure? On this audio we are talking about how to create and get closure with your past relationships. A lot of you have been through a lot of ups and downs, and the challenge is about people who are breaking up and are thinking of breaking up or deciding whether they should stay or go is that they are making decisions based on love and attraction, friendship and fun and sometimes the kids, the mortgage, finances or family. All these things create a push pull, an approach avoidance conflict as they say in Psychology. Basically you have to listen to your heart. What is your highest and best? If you are living your life according to a metaphysical underpinning or paradigm where you are looking for your highest and best soulmate, you ultimately want to have a soulmate that you can have a relationship with, not just a soulmate, because you are already saying “Yeah, this person is my soulmate.” Yeah, they probably are, they are here to teach you what you want and what you don’t want. It is a stepping stone, if you just look at the big picture, if you get your ego out of the way and look at what is highest and best for you. Your job is to turn your dreams into reality and with some people you cannot create the relationship of your dreams. You need different things. Yes, they have a lot of what you want, and that is what the problem is, it is not all good or all bad, if it was you wouldn’t be listening to this tape. The problem is that there is some really good stuff that is reinforcing you and you are on an intermittent reinforcement schedule. Again, another psychological concept, that the good times will make you stay. Generally your life is not good and you are in pain all the time and you are in horrendous powerstruggles. Maybe you have gone to counselling, and you are trying to work things out, but they are not working out because they are deal breakers, well then you need to move on and you need to get closure. So we are going to bring Melody in, in a few minutes to talk about closure, to get an understanding that if you are going to do that, how to do that. But the first thing you have to do with closure is understand the big picture. You know when I look back on my relationships, especially if you read my books, especially True Love on Demand (www.trueloveondemand.com) you can see the horrendous relationships I was in. However I was totally unconscious, I didn’t understand about being qualified or understanding the other person’s relationship needs to be qualified. You know, I was toxic, I was deficient, I didn’t understand the relationship game and I had a low level of relationship mastery. I really wasn’t qualified and a lot of people really aren’t qualified to be in a relationship. If you look at jobs, they say are you qualified for this job? People say “yeah of course” or “no, this person isn’t qualified.” But in relationships we don’t even

think about that concept. You need to have a certain level of communication skills, openness, you can’t be shutdown, and you can’t have a lot of negative behaviors. You got to have an understanding of the game and you have to understand people, and the relationship process. At the Centre and in our books, we talk about the Seven Principles of Relationship Success and we talk about the four steps to relationship success. You know, you have to have a lot of this relationship mastery, at least the basics to get into the game and stay in the game. I mean anyone can get into the game. People read some of our Attraction material and yes you can attract people, but can you keep them? That’s the key; you need to have the relationship intelligence, the relationship mastery at a certain level. So I had to get rid of a lot of my toxicities and defiencies. I had to understand the game and the different personalities, different values, different lifestyles and that is what Love by Design (www.lovebydesignbook.com) teaches. That will help you get closure, if you go through the tests in that program or the Counsellor in a Box Program (www.counsellorinabox.com). In these programs you can see that there is a lot of things that you are not relating on that are very important to you and if you read any of our handouts on deal breakers or requirements, there are some things that you just can’t live with. I was with a lovely lady Lucie, we had different visions and values, we had different lifestyles, and we had different life values. The love was there and the attraction was there. It was even worst with earlier relationships that I talk about in True Love on Demand, these people where dysfunctional, they were character disordered, they were unavailable, they had some major issues going on and I had some major issues, I had some toxicities and some deficiencies. You know, I had no idea about the relationship game; I should not have been in relationships at that time. Someone should have pulled me away and trained me for half a year, six months or three months or whatever, to wake me up and smell the coffee, because I was really good in other areas of my life, but I certainly wasn’t good in relationships. Just as a side note, the following is the basic descriptions of the communication modes, for more detailed descriptions as well as tips for better communication and the needs of each of the modes check out Love by Design Book at www.lovebydesignbook.com. Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched. So if you are with someone who is very toxic, or dysfunctional, if they have anger issues, addictions or criminal behaviors, if they are liars or cheaters, then what do you do? So you are thinking, do I stay or do I go? Hey, it becomes pretty obvious after a certain point. Plus even things like the fact that Lucie and I never fought, there was underlying powerstruggles because we have different values, different value Centres, different visions, different lifestyles, plus we had different communication styles. Lucie was not Auditory or Digital and I was Kinesthetic, Auditory, Digital, Visual so I needed it on all channels, and because of my personality I needed attention and because of our lifestyles or lifestyle value Centres we didn’t get much of that, so it just wasn’t working for us. So you have to look at where you are at, and what you want. Your job is to turn your dreams into reality. Your job is to have the Relationship and love of your life. That’s you job, that’s what your soul wants. As I said from the beginning if you are living from a Metaphysical paradigm, an effortless paradigm, a paradigm that believes that you can have it all and it is an abundant world and you can transcend the adversarial competitive, scarcity paradigm. These are just belief systems, they are not true. In this world we can have what we want, you have to transcend the adversarial, competitive paradigm, once you do, you can look at them very clearly and once you do, even if you use the attract system, you are not going to get any better if you are hanging on to your past relationships, you need to resolve that, you need to have closure. So I am going to bring in Melody and we are going to talk a little bit about closure.

So Melody woke up this morning, talking to me a little bit about closure and wanted to communicate this to a lot of people since she was getting a lot of requests about this topic. So what were you looking for in terms of helping people out there? MELODY: Closure, for both parties who are involved, how to finalize, let go and carry on. ROB: Well, you woke up today and said that of your marriage of six years, that you had closure. So what happened, so what did it for you? I know you have done various things over the years, but what made it final? MELODY: Well, for me, I had to go on my own little investigation and research to find out what had happened in the first place in order to have closure because of the type of mind I have with is a Digital, so I will spin over and over – ROB: Trying to figure it out. MELODY: Yes ROB: Yes, the same thing happened to me, I had to find out why, that is why I had to go on a seven year quest and when I found out, which is what we teach in Love by Design, it really works. I had absolutely no clue, I had no idea why these things were not working out, because I thought that if you love someone and are attracted to them you had to be with them. So that is why I had to go on a huge quest to find out eventually why. That is why you took our program, to find out eventually to find out about relationships and find out if there was a way to make it work or what was your motivation there? MELODY: Actually I took you course to become a counsellor and as a byproduct, it happened to correlate with what was going on in my life and my marriage. So there was no way I was walking out of your course without being totally changed from when I went in. It was a totally eye-opening experience. ROB: Yes and what I was teaching in that program was what is just what you are teaching in Love by Design now. So what is the definition of a relationship? I relationship is a mutual fulfilling of needs, we look at 37-40 areas to find out why you are not getting along and in the 37-40 areas there are some deal breakers there. They are musts, they are requirements, you have to have them and if you don’t your life would be pretty miserable. You had more obligation, more social pressure or social obligation to stay in the relationship. Can you speak on that a little bit? MELODY: I didn’t think I would be able to do it, I didn’t think I had enough of a reason to get out of my marriage.

ROB: You thought that you actually needed a reason to get out of the relationship, and if you told them the reasons, those reasons would not be good enough. MELODY: Although in the end it really didn’t matter what other people think, it was actually for my own resolution that I needed to find out that my reasons were justified. I was afraid that maybe I was just bailing out of my marriage because I was lazy; I didn’t try hard enough or by our society’s standard tried even at all to make the relationship work, or give Travis a chance to change or try to improve. I was wondering if I tried as hard as I could, could our differences come to a workable solution where both of us could be happy? Rob’s course allowed me to become aware of the 37-40 levels of compatibility, from there I needed to find out if these type of compatibilities were able to be fixed and be the highest and best for all. When I did find out it wasn’t even that dramatic, what it really got down to, the bottom line was that we weren’t compatible, and there was no way that we could successfully support ourselves as being a full expression of our authentic selves and being able to expand in our lives if we remained with each other. ROB: Yes, and at that time you were studying metaphysics and you understood the concept of authenticity and to have your highest and best and be your highest and best, and create the life our your dreams and you saw no way of doing that. MELODY: Yes. ROB: And it was a simple matter of being incompatible. So if you are with someone who is incompatible, who is unavailable or toxic or deficient that are very important to you, then you have a very important decision to make. We are all programmed in the competitive, adversarial paradigm, where we try to slam a square peg into a round hole, you go to counselling and there is always this pressure for you try this or that and try to force the other person to give you what you want, and/or use control dramas. People spend years trying to make things work. It is easier to walk away. When you think of salespeople, salespeople use commitment to keep you locked into the deal. If you come from the metaphysical paradigm, deals only work if they work. If you come from a competitive, adversarial paradigm people are locked into contracts and deals, obligations, everything is based on fear and obligations. So now we don’t make any deals based on obligations, if we want to do something, we will just do it, if we don’t we will do something better. If we change our mind, we change our mind. People need the security of obligations and contracts in case people change their mind. That is what the competitive, adversarial paradigm is predicated on, that is because it is fear based, and the

belief that there isn’t enough abundance, that you need to contain and control people in order to keep them and if you just let them go and allow them to have their highest and best you will miss out. That’s not true, highest and best is the concept, it will all shake out. Actually, that’s what happened; now years and years and years later, your Ex has a wonderful life. That was one of your greatest fears of going. MELODY: That he would suffer. ROB: That he would suffer. MELODY: And wouldn’t be able to recover, the whole closure thing. That he wouldn’t be able to resolve me leaving him, he wouldn’t be able to come to a resolution. ROB: Because this came as quite a shock to him, this little Amiable Melody just ups and leaves him. But he has a wonderful life now, at the time he didn’t have a very good job, now he has a wonderful job, he didn’t live in a very good house and he lives in a fabulous house now, he’s now married with a wonderful wife, he is very happy and is living as wonderful life as with you, your life has gone beyond your wildest dreams, we’ve talked about that in our books and other articles and how we got together. I mean Melody worked at McDonalds and she lived in a little dumpy, 600 square foot house. She has a totally different lifestyle now. She used to be very lonely, and she wasn’t connected Digitally and Auditorily with Travis and now she has all of that. It was quite a change for me too. As for me, I was living an empty life with Lucie. We didn’t connect and she wouldn’t talk to me and I didn’t get the love and attention that I wanted. Now I have it all. I have someone who shares my visions and dreams and every day in everyway it gets better and better. You know you really owe it to yourself to get closure and to move on and make decision as to whether you should stay or go and the Love by Design book will help you with that. So if you have any questions you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca. To you have any questions to add Kitten? MELODY: Which is the best way to have the closure, is it just to make a decision that it will be the highest and best for everybody? ROB: Yes and that is your internal decision and you can explain that to your partner and if your partner is not into any of this stuff, any the metaphysical or spiritual stuff, they will not understand the highest and best paradigm, you can tell them but it may not phase them. But the bottom line is that you have to do what you have to do to take care of you first, you have to love yourself first, put yourself first, not in a selfish, cruel way, you don’t have to be cruel to be kind, you

know the songs like that, it is very difficult, but you have to get clear the message. It was very difficult the day you told Travis, it was quite a shock, but a few days later, he got a download or whatever, although he’s not into metaphysics or spirituality, but – MELODY: He had gone for a walk in the park and he came back and said: “You know this may sound crazy, but while I was walking in the park I suddenly had this sense of peace and a comforting feeling this is the best thing for us to do.” That floored me, I wasn’t expecting that. ROB: Yes, and with Lucie and I, I was hanging on more to the relationship; I mean Lucie knew she would just fall into depression. I was still, back 17 years ago, in the competitive adversarial paradigm of make it work and use another relationship tactic or technique and that we can work it out. Like whatever. If you have to slam the square peg into the round hole, you know something is wrong. It has to fit like a glove, it has to be highest and best, if there is a big struggle, then there is something wrong really, so hopefully this has helped you to go on and make the right decision for you and if you need any help in the area, let us know, SPECIAL NOTE FROM MELODY Hello, this is Melody, as I was typing out this recording on Closure I thought I would add a couple of extra closing thoughts: CLOSING THOUGHTS #1 If you do not believe that the world is abundant, your belief in scarcity is actually preventing yourself from having the life and relationship of your dreams and is also blocking the incompatible person you are with from having the life and love of their dreams too. It is so much easier and effortless just to put the square peg in the square peg. It is an abundant world with people who will unconditionally love you, be compatible, available and love you just the way you are right now. You may however, even with this knowledge be willing to sacrifice you dreams and mission in life just to prove the others or even yourself that you work hard and try hard and keep commitments. This is in order to prove that you have worth, purpose and self-esteem. However the real bottom line is that your true commitment in life is your divine design, and your divine design is the highest and best for all, once you realize that and allow yourself to be and have want you really want and desire in life, you will see how joyful and purposeful your life really is. You will no longer need to prove your worth; you will be reminded of how worthy you already are.

So whether you ever truly accept or know why your relationship didn’t work, and whether others, including your ex-partner ever understands your decision, if you follow your bliss, sooner or later the rest of the world will be bliss also because you are now in the right place and so will the world around you. CLOSING THOUGHTS #2 If it is your ex that is having trouble with closure, other then having them read this article another thing that may help is something that you can do. If we care give people, energically, we can disempower them. There have been tests to prove this including one that I have included in my Codependency bonus minibook called “Do You Still Love Me?” that is part of my Love by Design book package. This can also happen even if you do not have contact with them or very little contact or if they live at distance from you. If you are worried or concerned that your partner may or is having trouble getting over you or with closure, take a moment and picture them in your mind as being whole, complete and strong, then detach yourself from the situation, to prevent further care giving energy. This will send them positive and high vibrational energy which will help them along in their healing process. ~ Dr Robby Bilton

Rob Bilton is the Director/Counsellor for the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre. He is the writer of True Love on Demand and Co-author of Love by Design. He can be reached at (204) 475-0323, and by email at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or you can use the support email address provided right at the bottom of our sites at www.LoveByDesignBook.com , www.TrueLoveOnDemand.com and www.CounsellorInABox.com

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