CALMzine Issue 10

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106

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no . 11

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ec Charity

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FREE

CAMPAIGN AGAINST LIVING MISERABLY

ENTER SHIKARI INTERVIEW// HAYDEN KAYS // MISTER MUMBLES // INNER LIFE // DEAR JOSH

CALM

CONTENTS

GREETINGS.

MANifesto .................................................... 2.

The Common Cause .................................... 6.

CALM Style: Festival Fashion ..................... 8.

Inner Life ..................................................... 10.

Mister Mumbles ........................................... 12.

CALM Interview: Enter Shikari .................... 14.

Art Show: Hayden Kays ............................... 17.

The Bond Identity ........................................ 19.

Men vs Women ............................................ 20.

Ambassadors Reception ............................. 22.

CALM Competition ........................................ 25.

POEM: Oh Standfast ..................................... 26.

Chris Sav’s Everyman .................................. 29.

INTERVIEW: Jim Burns ................................. 30.

The Rant ........................................................ 32.

Dear Josh ...................................................... 34.

As I write this, the sun is shining and layers of clothing are being unashamedly, and occasionally inappropriately, discarded all over the place so it appears that summer may finally be upon us. Let’s be honest, we thought this day would never come. So, whilst you lounge on your deckchairs in the back yard, what better accompaniment to your can of Bass Shandy than a copy of CALMzine, and what an issue it is….

We caught up with St Albans finest (only?) export, post hardcore-ites Enter Shikari, at Liverpool Sound City.

Not only did they spare us some time for a chat, but also saw fit to sign an amazing Yamaha Pacifica guitar that we are giving away in our BEST COMPETITION YET! Go to page 25 to find out how you can be in with a chance of winning this AMAZATRON prize.

We see the return of stand up poet and CALM BFF, Oh Standfast with a new poem, we introduce the wordtastic creative skills of cover artist Hayden Kays, Mister Mumbles goes doodle mad and our resident agony uncle Dear Josh sets the world to wrongs. All of this, along with our usual top-notch articles for the discerning (and not so discerning) gent, makes for a smasher. Enjoy!

Need Help? Call CALM. London: 0808 802 58 58 Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58 Lines open 7 days a week 5pm - midnight Want to advertise with us?

Email editor@thecalmzone.net CALMzine is printed on paper from sustainably managed sources. Printed by Symbian Print Intelligence, paper from Gould International UK.

CREDITS EDITOR: Rachel Clare DESIGNER: Silvina De Vita COVER ART: Hayden Kays EDITORIAL ASSISTANT: Jack Rooke VAN DRIVER’S ASSISTANT: Katie Barton ‘OMGZ’ DISTRIBUTOR: Niamh Brophy CALM DIRECTOR: Jane Powell Contributors: Dan Jones, Chris Owen, Mister Mumbles, Rachel Clare, Josh Idehen, Chris Sav, Tony Mason, Oh Standfast, Fabio Zucchelli, Ian Horrocks, Martin Cordiner Special thanks to Dolphin Music, Liverpool Sound City, Jacks Of London, JCDecaux and Topman for their generosity and support.

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at editor@thecalmzone.net If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

3

Registered Charity no. 1110621

TheComm There is a South Asian sport called Kabbadi.

Those of a certain vintage may remember it being televised on Channel 4 on the occasional Saturday morning. For those who don’t, it involves the following: two teams of seven occupy each half of an area slightly smaller than a tennis court. A member of one team goes into their opponent’s half, with the objective of tagging one of the opposing team and getting back to their half without the defending team grappling him to the floor (with the attacker holding their breath the whole time to make it that bit more tense).

Sounds pretty awesome, right? It is. The best part, however, is what this looks like. One bloke cagily trying to get close enough to a gang of other blokes in order to tag them without getting piled on, and the gang trying to avoid being tagged but not able to run away and, instead, attempting to grab the guy should he successfully get a shot. For the defenders, it’s like saying, “right, you’re here, that’s okay, but if you have a go at any one of us then you’re bloody going down, capiche?” (or whatever the Tamil for “capiche” is).

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This is how I feel about the fight for equality.

Humanity, in its entirety – men, women, every race, every sexual persuasion – are the defending team, and all obstacles to equality are the opposition.

Instead of a bloke trying to tag us, it’s Page 3 of the Sun demeaning women. Or it’s the preposterous argument that gay marriage is a ‘minority issue’, as if we should ignore oppression if the number of oppressed is less than 50% of the population. Or it’s the persistence of stereotypes that dictate what both men and women are expected to be.

Each one is an opponent, sent into our half, trying to get one over on us. So we hold together, we keep a watchful eye, and when our opponent strikes we dive on them as one, right?

Actually, no, I don’t think we do. Not generally.

When a hateful anti-gay marriage piece comes into our half, do we all get ready to take that sucker down, or do we leave it to the gay community?

When the pay gap between men and women takes its turn, and tags our lovelier-haired team mate, do we do anything about it or do we sit on our

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monCause

By Martin Cordiner

// I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A haunches? When the black dog of WORLD WHERE depression slinks across the halfway line, do our team mates put THOSE NOT their arms around our shoulder or DIRECTLY do they walk away?

AFFECTED

BY AN ISSUE is equality and that’s it.

STAND UP FOR Equality Yes, we take our little bits and we THOSE WHO work 9-5 to make our impact on ARE. them. Men are killing themselves // in numbers which prove that

men’s mental and emotional health are huge issues, and society must support all men when they say they’re not coping and need to talk about how they feel. That’s what CALM is about.

That’s CALM’s personal opponent, and we hugely appreciate all the help we receive. But campaign groups, charities, or indeed anyone trying to change anything, can only get so far on their own.

For every conscious or subconscious mistreatment based on stereotype, there is someone else also stereotyped in an opposing way. It may, ultimately, benefit them, but it is still a stereotype. It is still judgement based on bias, not fact.

Until everyone is equal, no-one is.

I would like to see a world where those not directly affected by an issue stand up for those who are. A world where men speak out against wolf-whistlers; where Caucasians are angry that UK prisoners are far more likely to be black than white; where happily married heterosexual couples don’t vote for a party that is against gay marriage; where women find it astonishing that suicide is the biggest killer of men between 15 and 35 and demand to know what the Department of Health is doing about it.

In short, a situation where the opponent is the opponent, and that’s it. If they come into our half and get their shot away, then they’re not getting away with it. Equality is exactly that. Just because you are pro-man, doesn’t make you anti-woman or vice versa, and this should be applied across the myriad of social issues we face every day in this country.

Equality may have many opponents, but it is one game, one fight, one common cause.

It’s time we all started acting like it.

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CALM STYLE:

HEADLINE ACT

By Dan Jones

Mud-splattered Care Bear onesies, ciderstained boob-print tees, and beer dispensing trucker caps: festival style is something of an oxymoron - a strange land where normal sartorial rules no longer exist. Wearing a child’s Snoopy backpack and a Hooters crop top – at the same time – suddenly appeals. But it’s not that difficult to get it right. We asked Christina Gritsopulu, head buyer at vintage chain Beyond Retro, how men should dress in the main arena this summer.

“Firstly, we are big fans of pastel tones and grungey textures at Beyond Retro – think Kurt Cobain on holiday at the beach,” says Christina.

“For this look we recommend a good Hawaiian shirt, a pair of cut-off denim shorts and some classic Vans or Converse.

“Secondly we are really into the American skateboarding style from the mid-90s – Ed Templeton in Welcome to Hell is a great reference. Heavy cotton shorts such as Dickies or Dockers are a great starting point, we would suggest teaming them with either a white t-shirt and a simple plaid shirt or a simple pullover hoodie.

“Finally, if you’re after a slightly more tailored look you can’t wrong with 1960s West Coast Americana – think Pet Sounds era Beach Boys.

Try simple, plain coloured cotton shorts and a classic ‘50s or ‘60s pastel loop collared short sleeve shirt, or a muted toned Hawaiian shirt.”

You can check out Christina’s recommendations at any of Beyond Retro’s four UK stores at www.BeyondRetro.com More top drawer London vintage stores…

The Vintage Showroom Vintage traders Roy Luckett and Doug Gunn’s Earlham Street showroom sells a handpicked selection of their world-famous archive of men’s vintage clothing. The pair specialise in ultra-rare collectable pieces.

It’s world-class stock and priced accordingly. For the vintage-obsessed.

14 Earlham Street, London, WC2H 9LN

East End Thrift Store Assembly Passage – a creepy, cobbled alley off Mile End Road – is home to the East End Thrift Store, a sprawling warehouse packed with shirts, tees, denim and other vintage menswear essentials. The obscure location keeps prices low with vintage denim shirts around £15. Sign up online to hear about regular sales and boozy shopping nights where the party tends to spill out over the cobbles.

Unit 1A Watermans Building, Assembly Passage, London, E1 4UT

Crazy Man Crazy Paul Davies is the crazy man in question – a vintage collector whose store, stocks old style Americana, mainly from the ‘40s and ‘50s. The shop has become the first port of call for London’s hardcore Rockabilly bands who make the trek out to Crystal Palace. Paul stocks a good selection of jeans for £25 and does a good deal on leather flight jackets and bombers.

18a Church Road, London, SE19 2ET

Strut Man This is the men’s branch of Strut’s three London vintage stores run by Hoana Poland. Hoana’s buying style isn’t the jumble sale variety – it’s all about rare designer items. Thankfully, that also means collectable sneakers – and you can sometimes sell your old cast-offs here, too.

111 Stoke Newington Church Street, London, N16 0UD

Blitz London’s sprawling vintage department store Blitz opened in 2011 inside a old furniture factory, just a secondhand sneaker’s throw from Brick Lane. Buyers Jan Skinners and John Howlin dress the area’s freaks and geeks with a brilliant selection of good quality vintage at amazing prices. There’s also an in store cafe, events and free parties (sign up to get on the guest list).

55-59, Hanbury Street, London.

For more London stores and style, head to Dan’s blog at JonestownLondon.com

INNER LIFE The Luxuries of the Cuckoo’s Nest

BY Tony Mason

It felt strange coming out of hospital. I spent two weeks trying to get out and then I spent the next two months missing it. When the burden of depression smashes your self-esteem to pieces, it felt good to feel safe. That’s how it feels in a mental health ward. Safe.

You suddenly have time to yourself to let the demons of your mind, do their worst and then subside. The only worries of the day are making sure you are awake for breakfast, lunch, Tea and most importantly, medication time.

It is fair to say that the NHS is vastly under equipped to deal with the burgeoning cases of mental health disorders, which seems to be becoming more and more apparent as the millennium continues. But the staff taking care of us in the ‘Cuckoo’s Nest’ are patient, attentive and caring. It becomes a very fluffy world, an almost dream like existence as you are skipped from one medication to another, trying to find the right balance to get you back to self-sufficiency.

Volunteers help to warm you up back to the world outside, with teachers providing their free time to offer Maths and English training and a Gym instructor to help build up your physical strength. Forms of therapy, such as Reiki and music, are offered. At first I was dubious but found that even if they didn’t help straight away, they made me feel like I was

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doing something positive to combat my illness.

I even found myself enjoying the company of the other patients. There was a unity in the fact that we are all in the same boat, all in it together and all wanting to get out. In a mental health ward you can find yourself making friends with people from walks of life you would not usually come into contact with. All social convention and the bane of light conversation are dispersed as you start to interact with those around you.

Everyone is aware that they each have their own issues. There is no hierarchy. Rich, poor, educated, homeless, religious, atheist. There are no boundaries for mental illness, which conversely, can provide some comfort. You are not doing anything wrong, it is a disease that can affect everyone and you are not alone.

My peers complained about seeing the Doctor, the state of the food, the length of the cigarette breaks and the medication. It wasn’t long before I joined in, starting to gripe about the menial matters of the ward. The medication was the top topic of disgruntlement. The priority of the ward was to stop the extreme effects of your illness. For me, I was intensely suicidal, suffered painful anxiety attacks and had not slept for what felt like weeks.

Upon arrival I was dosed up to the eyeballs on sedatives. The first few days were a blur of

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//THE FIRST sleep and cotton wool barely being FEW DAYS mouth, able to stumble to the WERE A nurse to take my next BLUR OF dose of medication.

SLEEP A It was horrible, but COTTON looking back it was WOOL a necessary evil. My body and mind were MOUTH, shattered. Sleep can BARELY BEING ABLE be a great healer when TO TAKE MY you have not had it a while. As soon NEXT DOSE for as the first week had OF MEDICINE passed, the medica// tion had settled and I started to feel better. I could feel something that I had not experienced for a long while: hope.

Eventually I got day leave to go out and about, back into the ebb and flow of society outside of the walls of the hospital. It was exciting at first. I felt a fresh perspective - this time things will be different, this time I will recover.

Eventually after sticking to the rules of the ward and trying to be more positive, I was allowed home for Christmas with the home care team booked in to visit me.

At last, I thought, I can start afresh. I can, and will, get better. But as soon as I came

out of the ward, I missed it - the routine, the three square meals a day and the peace. The knowledge that I was in a safe place with people on hand to help me 24 hours a day.

I started having my meals at the same times as we had in the ward. I got annoyed and irritated by the presence of others when I had nowhere to escape to. No matter what medication you are given, it is a long process to rebuild confidence in your abilities to look after yourself and stand on your own two feet without the support of mental health professionals and doctors.

After my experience within the mental health system, I have now returned to a very supportive work place, have started a course of successful meditation and have discovered an excellent Manchester charity called Moodswings that have helped me to focus.

You can only use the circumstance to provide a fresh approach, a fresh perspective and a renewed determination to never end up in the ‘Cuckoo’s Nest’ again, and I feel that I am on the road to reclaiming control over my life and looking forward to the future.

If you’ve been affected by the issues in this article, you can call the CALM helpline for support and information: 0800 58 58 58, 5pm – midnight, 7 days a week or visit calmzone.net

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MISTER MUMBLES

and the Art of the Doodle The capital’s consummate cad uncovers the story of idle scribbling, from caveman days to the here and now.

Recent times, I found myself digging through Great Grandfather Mumbles’ tea chest of precious things, hunting for a tiny top hat. The family were visiting and as is customary on such occasions, a Monopoly tournament was to be embarked upon. Inexplicably, the tiny top hat had disappeared from the set – and as always, Uncle Rupert was adamant he ought to traverse the thoroughfares of London as that particular piece, or not at all. Eager to avoid suffering one of my Uncle’s abominable Monopoly-related huff-funks so early in the evening, there I was, rootling around amongst ancient jars of pickled carbuncles, vintage pornography and other assorted curios.

I imagined that as a seafaring man, Great Grandfather Mumbles surely must have stumbled across a land of Lilliputians at some point in time, perhaps crushing swathes of the poor little blighters as he bumbled his way forward. He was a clumsy, flat-footed oaf was my Great Grandfather Mumbles – and a dishonest one at

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that. Doubtless he would have pilfered a Lilliputian top hat as a keepsake to wear upon the tip of his willy, the kinky scoundrel!

However, my search was abruptly cut short by the discovery of a strange-looking notebook, bound in browned crocodile skin. Gingerly, I peered inside.

All at once, sweet dreams of erecting a chain of hotels on Park Lane and Mayfair were forgotten. Even the thought of laughing maniacally in Aunt Ophelia’s crushed face as she languished in jail for the umpteenth turn in a row didn’t seem to matter anymore. Not now that I’d found Great Grandfather Mumbles’ big book of doodles.

Flipping through the pages, I marvelled at the artwork therein contained. Gentlemen with the heads of giraffes.

Motor cars driven by sausages. A lady with incredibly small eyes. And penises, oh mother please forgive me but I couldn’t help but look! I saw tallywhackers of all shapes and sizes, from those with gargantuan girth to ones with merely a merrily spurtling stub on show! In an instant, I saw where my love of doodling came from.

You see, as the proprietor of the one and only “Doodle Club”, I have more than a passing interest in the science of the scribble. But seeing this ancient art from days

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of yore suddenly made me realise how little I knew of doodling’s illustrious past. To hell with the tiny top hat, I must investigate forthwith, thought I! Racing to the study, I pulled down Samuel Johnson’s Dictionary of the English Language and thumbed hurriedly to the “D” section. As Doctor Johnson would have it, a “doodle” is “a trifler, an idler”, and is a word derived from the expression “do little”. But that couldn’t possibly be right, as a great many of the doodlers I’ve had the pleasure of meeting are in gainful employment. In fact, some of them are so ruddy busy they haven’t even time to reply to my telegrams anymore, the devils!

Disgusted, I tossed the Dictionary of the English Language into the hearth and with a deft flick of the wrist, set it ablaze with a single match. Perhaps I would find something of more use in one of the many scientific journals Papa bequeathed me after that terrible accident with the Bunsen burner, his bottom and the molten fudge.

After leafing through a few back issues of Applied Cognitive Psychology, I found what I was looking for – a bona fide study on doodling, carried out by Professor Jackie Andrade. I read her words with mounting interest.

It turns out that doodling can help sharpen your mind as it demands just enough energy to keep you from daydreaming – something which sucks up a lot of the brain’s processing power and makes it drift away to unwholesome thoughts of gammon farming and the like.

In essence, doodling acts as a fulcrum between thinking too much or thinking too little, and that helps you to concentrate on matters in hand – a point it might be worth making to your boss the next time you’re admonished for doodling a ginormous pair of titties during an important meeting about Q3’s appalling sales figures and impending redundancies.

Doodlers in Professor Jackie’s experiment recalled 7.5

pieces of information (out of a possible 16) on average, some 29% more than the average of 5.8 recalled by the control group made of non-doodlers. “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” I cried at Samuel Johnson’s Dictionary of the English Language which, by now, had been reduced to a pile of cinders in the inglenook a-smouldering.

Scientific curiosity sated, I returned to doodling history.

Of course, prehistoric man had doodled across his cave walls, but no one really knows why – not even Wikipedia.

Some say it was to pass on stories. Others cite more decorative, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen-esque motives.

Personally, I think it was just to see who could doodle the biggest woolly mammoth todger. In all likelihood we shall never know, but I’m inclined to think my suggestion is closest to the truth.

Since then, doodling has come on in leaps and bounds.

Nowadays, the unfocused drawing formerly known as doodling has been elevated to a high art form, with David Shrigley nominated for the Turner Prize and my own venture, “Doodle Club”, breaking all known attendance records in the Western Hemisphere for a doodle-based night out. It really is quite, quite remarkable.

I was reclining on the study’s chesterfield sofa thinking exactly that when all of a sudden, I felt something digging into my left buttock. I furtled about until my fingers came upon the culprit. By jove, t’was the tiny top hat from Monopoly! And then it all came flooding back to me – I’d been up here with it only the other week, prancing about with it atop the tip of my willy, celebrating the Queen’s official birthday. Happy 88th Ma’am!

Mister Mumbles Follow @Mister_Mumbles on Twitter, or why not visit www.doodleclub.co.uk to find out when you can next come and doodle at Doodle Club? Egads, tis doodlicious!

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THE CALM

INTERVIEW:

Despite being in the middle of an epic European tour, CALM managed to pin down Rou Reynolds & Chris Batten from St Alban’s greatest export, post hardcore aficionados Enter Shikari. In the glam surroundings of a stuffy back room a few hours before their O2 Academy headline slot at Liverpool Sound City 2013, we talked music, Motown and moisturiser…standard.

Hello Chris and Rou. You were sounding pretty damn loud in sound check just now…

Chris: We weren’t even trying! That wasn’t even half power. I’d say it was more like 20%...

By Rachel Clare

Well, in that case this roof better be bolted down pretty tight…are you looking forward to the gig tonight? How are the Liverpool crowd?

Chris: Liverpool has been very kind to us over the years. The crowd is very sweaty here. This is a sweaty venue.

Rou: The stage seems to turn into an ice rink within two songs – there’s just sweat everywhere- slipping and sliding around. It should be fun…

Enter Shikari have been together for a long time and it’s great to see bands like you who are still at the top of your game after so many years.

Nowadays bands come and go so quickly, so what’s the secret?

Chris: Make sure you each lots of bananas

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Potassium IS very important…

Rou: Yeah, and moisturise. Use aloe vera Chris: Love a bit of aloe vera…

So apart from the bananas and aloe vera, touring must be really tough at times – how do you keep sane when you’re on the road?

Rou: There certainly isn’t much glamour involved in touring when you’re a band of our size – not until you get bigger and you can start to order people about and stuff. It’s more about just sleeping in moving vehicles for us.

Any Spinal Tap ‘Hello, Cleveland!’ moments on // DON’T TAKE tour?

We’ve played some ADVICE TOO Chris: pretty weird venues on this SERIOUSLY tour, actually. Some very // unexpected places, like Frome [Somerset]. We also had a gig on a pier in Weston Super Mare and they had to move all the arcade games and 2p machines out of the way so that we could play. It was quite interesting.

How was the crowd in Weston Super Mare?

Rou: Excitable! We played there once before. I can’t remember the name of the venue but the crowd ended up pulling the ceiling down - it was that panelling

stuff. We thought maybe we shouldn’t go back there for a while…

Perhaps that’s how they show their appreciation in Somerset? So, what advice would you give young bands starting out now?

Rou: Do what we did: Take every gig you can get, regardless to how pointless or silly it seems. It’s all practice. It’s all experience.

Chris: Just try and practice a lot, because you only get one chance to make a first impression.

Rou: Yeah, don’t just copy your favourite band. The extent of the musical spectrum out there is fascinating so try and get some sort of a sound you enjoy and is interesting.

Rou, you were voted Hero of the Year at the Kerrang! Awards last year – how did that feel?

Rou: I was just sitting at the awards thinking: ‘Please make it one of the awards that you don’t actually have to go up on stage and say something’, but thankfully it wasn’t. It’s silly, really…I dunno How does it feel to be a role model?

Rou: It’s alright - I don’t think I really do anything too stupid, so that’s okay…

Everyone gets down at some point or another – is there a particular track that’s guaranteed to make

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you feel better when life gets tough?

Chris: I’ve always got a really uplifting vibe from Stevie Wonder - Uptight (Everything’s Alright).

Rou: I tend to just stick on some Motown or Northern Soul. You have to be happy whilst listening to it – it’s impossible not to be.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given?

Rou: I can’t remember any…

Always write things down, perhaps…?

Rou: How about ‘Don’t take advice too seriously!’

Do you have a life mantra, of sorts, that keeps you going?

Rou: It’s difficult to put it into words. I mean, for us, we get to play on a stage and have people shouting our lyrics – every night never gets any less surreal.

Whether we’re in Buttfuck, Idaho or some shitty place (apologies to residents of Buttfuck, Idaho! – Ed), it doesn’t matter, you know? That works for us. But not everyone has that opportunity…

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Do you find the writing process cathartic and do you draw from personal experiences?

Rou: I guess it is. Our lyrics are personal, but most of them are about global issues. It’s about stuff that everyone can relate to and get angry about. I tend to steer clear of pouring my heart out because I think that’s a bit boring for the other people involved.

I think just having the opportunity to play music, without even emitting language, is cathartic in itself.

// TAKE EVERY GIG YOU CAN GET, REGARDLESS TO HOW POINTLESS OR SILLY IT SEEMS. IT’S ALL PRACTICE. IT’S ALL EXPERIENCE. //

Check out Enter Shikari tour dates and news at www.entershikari.com You can watch the video of this interview on www.thecalmzone.net/entershikari YOU CAN BE IN WITH THE CHANCE OF WINNING AN ENTER SHIKARI SIGNED YAMAHA PACIFICA GUITAR! CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION ON PAGE 25

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HAYDEN KAYS hayden kays, born in westminster, london on the 276th day of the year, 1985. hayden kays has lived the entirety of his existence in london. hayden has 2 middle names: caleb and james. hayden likes to touch things he knows he shouldn’t. hayden has a severe issue with authority. hayden likes nothing more then to laugh. hayden likes nothing less then people who refer to themselves in third person.

HaydenKays.co.uk Facebook.com/haydenkaysart Twitter.com/haydenkays

LEARNING MY LINES

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KIDDING?

SEE YA, WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA

A RAINBOW OF CHAOS

The Bond Identity *Warning! This article contains extreme and lazily drawn stereotypes. Of course it does, it’s about James Bond, you numpty.*

By Ian Horrocks

a reliable presence and provider. This was a man who’d jet off to fight savages in far away lands – but still come back home to Blighty to put the bread on the table.

What is a man?

Esquire will tell you that a man is an island, suited and booted in self-satisfaction and suit trousers that cling to the crotch like pinstriped limpets.

Eden’s serpent would inform you that man is a rather naïve and foolish beast. Your mum will probably tell you that man is a pain in the arse, susceptible to stumbling back into the home at ungodly hours drenched in Tennants and the pungent aroma of the cut-price stripper who does Wednesday nights at the local social club.

But we know that there’s only one definition of man that we can all subscribe to. The alpha-male, the king of the jungle, the Y chromosome that God himself could not have cocked/cooked up. That man is Bond, James Bond.

With a gun ‘neath his pillow and a naked girl at his side, Bond is pretty much the man some of us strive to be. The lifestyle, the looks, the charm; it’s a potent combination of aspirational impossibility and guilt-ridden vanity that we (however reluctantly) subscribe to.

Yet 007 himself is a bit of a changing man. He’s no fixed concept or universal constant, but instead a mirror of a society’s expectations of the ultimate macho individual.

There’s inaugural Bond - Sean Connery’s jetsetting and “superbly resourceful” amalgamation of post-war thrift and tentative freedom, a man as suave as the resplendent Mayfair clubs he frequents. This was the age of the gentleman, the reasonable chap, and Connery’s 007 was as gallant as they came. Britain wanted their men to be exciting and to spice up the monotonous grey of the late fifties/early sixties, whilst still remaining

As the sexual revolution of the sixties began to unfold and the skirts crept ever shorter, Bond’s producers realised that 007, too, would have to change. The square mix of obtuse Britishness and polite sexism was replaced by rock ‘n’ roll voyeurism and, erm… obnoxious sexism.

Classics like Goldfinger and You Only Live Twice are dripping in chauvinistic caprice; 007 even finds it within himself to pity the waylaid Pussy Galore (if only because she’s fit) and offers her a chance to join the good white male capitalist guys over at MI5. Mind you, it’s not as bad as Fleming’s actual book, in which Bond cures Pussy of her lesbian ‘affliction’.

But just as Pussy Galore was taking Bond out of the post office queue and into the swinging liberation of Carnaby Street, Britain’s idea of ‘man’ shifted once again.

George Lazenby. Wow, they really must have taken too much LSD. Luckily, by the mid seventies everyone was coming back down to Earth and the Lazenby wobble turned into the Roger strut. The jovial man was back with a vengeance, as crystallised by Roger Moore’s endless quipping in, let us just say, some rather ‘inappropriate’ circumstances, all the while sporting an immovable quiff, questionable safari suit and perma-tan that gave him the aura of an exiled loony-tune forced to spend his days spreading gauche happiness in the grim reality of a decade ravaged by heroin and industrial action. As much as this was Bond at his carefree and camp best, it still revealed a dark stirring in the male condition and marked the beginnings of a peculiar identity crisis. What did society expect from its men? We weren’t even sure anymore. The

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liberation of the sixties opened our eyes and the horizons of the male psyche (and the length of his hair) but it also tore apart the traditional uniformity of man. So, if anything, Moore stood for the age of the individual, the man who laughs in the face of conformity and dresses a bit different. It’s worth noting that back then this wasn’t even a cliché and individualism was still a pretty radical idea, especially within the warped brains of Hollywood’s sequestered film producers.

By the eighties, men were expected to be full blown free radicals, movers and shakers, taking the big risks to complement their larger than life personas.

The individuality that Moore frivolously pioneered in the seventies was turning into something else, something darker and more disturbing…

Timothy Dalton.

Moving swiftly on… by 1995 Britain had got it’s act together. The dark grunge and cocaine habits of the late eighties made way for Madchester and the great dawning of the ‘Lad’. Pierce Brosnan played the Lad perfectly, displaying little emotion and even less culture. The Lad was about fun, down-to-earth thrills - like jetting around the River Thames in a floating Batmobile, or wooing feisty Yankees in ultra-exclusive ice palaces for the

mega-rich. Okay, maybe not so down to earth, but Brosnan does seem to have had a strange connection to the ‘common people’ who were, at the time, regrouping under New Labour, Paul Gascoigne and ‘Wonderwall’. He’s trying to be ‘one of the lads’ and somehow pulls it off, despite being a fully suited and booted member of the British secret service.

And Daniel Craig? Well you already know what he represents. Men nowadays are a lot more than ‘men’, or as I’m sure Sean Connery’s misogynistic Bond would have put it, a lot less. The unfettered masculinity of days gone by is being reformed into an unabashedly metrosexual outlook, as demonstrated by the boom in the male cosmetics industry over the past decade. And although we are yet to see Craig strutting about in jeggings and flip-flops, what we are definitely witnessing is a 007 more emotional and in touch with his X chromosome than ever before. Seriously, Bond du jour has got issues. And fair play for that.

But is that really where we are at with the modern day man? Do we aspire to be emotionally conflicted? It’s difficult to say, but if one thing’s for certain - no matter how many Martinis we shake and don’t stir - it’s a fact that the man we aspire to be is rarely the man we turn out to be.

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

21

Why Men Do Things and Women Do Other Things: A Non Scientific Study

By Fabio Zucchelli I recently started reading ‘Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps’ on the advice of a friend. It sounded fascinating. And it was. Learning that men tend to get caught checking out other women by our girlfriends because we have worse peripheral vision than women was a real eye opener (ahem), and it was both reassuring and disconcerting to read that our girlfriends are probably doing it just as much, but with their superior peripheral eye candy radar, just get away with it. The sneaky devils. Luckily, men have better long distance ‘tunnel vision’- you know, for locating buffalos and deer on the savannah for all that hunting we have to do. I got fed up with the book though, and as a typical man, threw it on the floor, circled it with a spear and set it alight.

Anyhow, there was another message buried in the book underneath the main ‘women are better than men’ point: the fact that men and women often get exasperated by their partners’ behaviours, attributing them to infuriating personality traits, when actually a lot of it is just gender-specific hardwired behaviour from the days of the cave.

Obviously there are variations within genders. My mum doesn’t like shopping, or shoes (!), and she’s a fully certified female human. And I reverse my car into stuff all the time. Like all good generalisations, they don’t apply to everyone; they’re just based on rules of thumb, in this case, coming from evolved traits useful for performing largely obsolete functions, like hunting, raising children in large groups and memorising

people’s phone numbers.

To pour some much-needed female insight into this issue, I’ve brought along my girlfriend. She doesn’t want to be called by her real name for obvious reasons of shame in being associated with me, so here she is.

Say hello… um, Gertrude.

Well hello there.

So, my first question: On behalf of men everywhere, what’s going on with girls going to the toilet together, and even share cubicles?

I’ve only shared a cubicle once (and that was abroad at 4am so it doesn’t count) so I can’t really speak with much experience on that. As for girls going to the bathroom together, I’ve never really thought about it in any depth – although I know you boys are fascinated by it. I think it’s a bonding thing. It’s like an unspoken message between us girls: I care about you so much that I’m inviting you to come along with me to the loo and everyone left behind is excluded from our special trip. Plus we don’t actually have to stand next to each other in a urinal watching our friends pee so it’s much easier to hang out in there and chat without feeling creeped out.

Sounds good, I’ll have to join you some time.

So, here’s something else I’ve noticed. My male friends- let’s call them boyfriends- aren’t really

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into gift giving in the same way that my female friends are. Last year my best friend arrived wearing one of the two England replica shirts he bought on a buy-one-get-one-free deal on his way to my house, handing the other one to me in a plastic bag. Now imagine you were me, but in the female equivalent situation- with a dress instead of a football shirt… How would that go down?

Not well. Again, it’s about the unspoken message.

Wrapping paper, ribbons, gift bags and cards equal time. Time equals care and thought. Tesco shopping bags do not. …Or any other widely available supermarket brand. Ok, so let’s make a clutch-wrenching gear change… As my overworked therapist, you’re only too aware of my history of depression.

One observation I’ve made is that, if I bring the subject up with most of my boyfriends, they start nervously scratching under their collar and checking the exit of the room. I’ve got one good friend who, when a couple of times I said I was going through a pretty bad time said ‘Well, any time you wanna talk about it mate, just let me know’ before immediately scurrying away to his bedroom and closing the door. So basically I think a lot of my friends are brilliant, caring guys but just feel so bloody awkward and out of their comfort zone talking about difficult feelings that they’d rather punch themselves in the face. What’s been your experience of your friends when you’re are going through a tough time?

// IN GENERAL, MY wine or, my personal favourite, crumpets and GUY FRIENDS ARE peanut butter). They don’t MUCH MORE LIKEnecessarily know how to LY TO TRY AND help me sort my feelings or difficulties out, but they HELP ME SORT listen to me blab about them and keep reminding OUT A PROBLEM. me how utterly fabulous MY GIRL FRIENDS, I am and that they are HOWEVER, ARE always on my side…even if I am being completely MUCH MORE unreasonable. Girls hug CURIOUS. each other a lot too. Why I think your question is // interesting, though, is because I think maybe I go to either my guy friends or my girl friends depending on what I need at the time.

Yeah, I’d agree with that from my experience.

So, to summarise, women have shared cubicles since the beginning of time and men try to sort stuff out even when there’s nothing to sort out. Not to generalise, of course.

Follow Fabio, or just send abusive feedback on Twitter at @Fabzucci

Okay, that’s an interesting question.

If I think about it there seems to be a difference between how my guy friends and girl friends talk about the tough stuff. In general, my guy friends are much more likely to try and help me sort a problem out: ‘you should do this’ or ‘you could try that’ or ‘don’t worry, I know a guy who can get a horse’s head into someone’s bed without them ever noticing’.

My girl friends, however, are much more curious. They want to know every detail, are sympathetic to every horrid feeling and every awful thought (usually dissected over a bottle of thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

23

AMBASSADOR’S RECEPTION:

CECILIA KNAPP At CALM we have a band of merry men and women who are proud to call themselves ambassadors for the Campaign Against Living Miserably.

But who the hell are they? Reveal yourself…CECILIA KNAPP Tell Us About Yourself…

I’m Cecilia, I’m 20 and I’m a writer, poet and performer from Brighton, based in East London. I’ve been writing my whole life and now perform around London and the UK by myself and with The Poetry Collective Early Doors. I’m also studying Literature at Goldsmiths University.

So Why CALM? I lost my brother Leo to suicide last May and underneath all the initial pain of losing someone in that way was this prevalent feeling of wanting to help. When I started reading about CALM and the shocking statistics about suicide rates in young men I just knew I wanted to be involved.

I love that part of the mission is to reduce the room-silencing stigma around mental health and depression, which is swept under the carpet for the most part, despite it being so pervasive within

society. I believe, fundamentally, that it is something that needs to be talked about and addressed and I’ll do whatever I can to help, whether it be writing poems, workshops or hosting nights for the cause.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

‘The only thing you can rely on in life is that things are going to change, and once you accept and embrace this without fear, life will be the most exciting thing ever.’

My Dad told me that when I was a little girl and I believe it wholeheartedly. It’s helped me a lot in my life.

What is your one ‘lifesaver’ track guaranteed to make you feel better when things get tough?

Wake Up by Arcade Fire

What is your one rule for living life?

To just keep going and fighting and getting better at what I do and stronger everyday, I guess! www.ceciliaanneknapp.tumblr.com @ceciliaknapp

24 thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

WIN A YAMAHA PACIFICA 311H GUITAR SIGNED BY ENTER SHIKARI!!

Thanks to the generous guys and gals at Dolphin Music, the UK’s number 1 online music equipment & instrument retailer and largest UK Yamaha Pro Music Dealer, we’re giving away a Yamaha Pacifica electric guitar, WORTH OVER £270. But it gets better than that! Fresh from their awesome gig at Liverpool Sound City, Enter Shikari have SIGNED THE GUITAR. This is a SERIOUSLY AMAZATRON prize plus we’ll chuck in some CALM plectrums for good measure (we’re generous like that!)

To get your hands on this fantastic prize, just answer this simple question: Which track did Chris from Enter Shikari say was guaranteed to cheer him up?

The answer is somewhere in this magazine and in our Enter Shikari video on our website: www.thecalmzone.net/entershikari To enter email your answer to editor@thecalmzone.net using Subject: ‘CALM GUITAR COMP’.

Competition closing date: Sept 1st 2013.

Winners will be notified by email after the closing date. We can only accept entries from the UK.

Cycling is free

by Oh Standfast Chains verses chinos Chinos verses chains Mudguards are for grownups But handy if rains.

Victoria Regents Richmond & Hyde These are my favorite parks to ride.

Cycling is free Cycling is free Shout it as I pass the one one three.

Brompton Ibis Kona Ellsworth BIKE! Boardman Indurain Koblet Evans BIKE! TRI cycle verses bicycle I’ve got one more wheel than you BI cycle verses tricycle Well I can do wheelies & endos too.

Cars in traffic are a pleasure to takeover Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati & Porsche(r) I’m pedaling two wheels mate and I’ll still be home before yer.

Cheese ‘n pickle sandwiches stuffed in my pannier.

Cycling is free Cycling is free A two wheeled salute to the London Tifosi “Punctured bicycle on a hillside desolate May I suggest a puncture repair kit” Check out more from Oh Standfast at www.ohstandfast.wordpress.com @ohstandfast

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CHARITY REG NO: 1110621

27

NEXT

ISSUE

OUT

SEPTEMBER 2013

CHECK OUT OUR SNAZZY WEBSITE Go to www.thecalmzone.net for features, opinion, forums and competitions to keep you busy until the next issue of CALMzine.

Plus find out how you can get involved with the Campaign Against Living Miserably.

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Everyman by chris sav

CALMZINE

NEEDS YOU

r Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website. r What’s your obsession, your passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview? r We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work could be on our website and in these very pages.

Get in touch with Rachel at: editor@thecalmzone.net

INTERVIEW: Film Maker Jim Burns

By Rachel Clare

When filmmaker Jim Burns was deeply depressed he found hope in the music of Scottish indie band BMX Bandits.

Filmed over 4 years, Burns’ debut self-funded documentary film Serious Drugs frames an affectionate portrait of BMX Bandits’ founder Duglas Stewart and his mission to save the world one song at a time. CALM’s Rachel Clare caught up with Burns to find out more…

Can you give us a quick synopsis of the film…?

Serious Drugs is the story of Duglas T. Stuart and how he expresses himself musically, through the seminal indie-pop band BMX Bandits, and has done for the last 20-odd years.

Duglas doesn’t play an instrument bar the kazoo, but he has a huge bunch of talented friends with whom he collaborates. Kurt Cobain once said that if he could be in any other band it would be BMX Bandits and Oasis were bottom of the bill to headliners BMX Bandits on their first ever tour for Alan McGee’s Creation Records.

But despite the kudos, BMX Bandits have never achieved commercial success. Serious Drugs hints at the reasons why and answers the question: “What does it mean to be a BMX Bandit?”

So tell us about the first time you heard BMX Bandits and what it meant to you at the time…

I was feeling really low. I’d been suffering from depression for a while and given up hope that I’d recover - resigned to the plateau of feeling numb. And then I heard BMX Bandits album “My Chain” which deeply moved me and sparked hope that maybe I wasn’t alone in my despair and that I might seek solace in music.

What was it about the band that was so compelling for you?

I was compelled to find out what was behind this music family.

Why do former members return to play time and again “...like Army reservists...?” Where does this beautiful melody and these amazing arrangements come from?

Did you feel that you found a kindred spirit in Stewart? What was it like to meet him?

My first impression was that we could work together. He’s a very welcoming and encouraging man. And he’s a good listener.

So when I broached the subject of making a feature-length film

Jim Burns about the band he took me very seriously, despite my lack of experience, and that encouraged me further. We have become very close friends over the years. He’s like a brother to me.

Have you always used music and creativity as a form of catharsis or self-therapy?

I think creativity is a very positive thing. I always had access to a camera when I was a teenager, although film, paper and chemicals were a luxury I loved making my own prints. My grandfather and I used to edit his Super 8 home movies and set up a home cinema for the family every Saturday night. I remember making a stop frame cartoon when I was nine years old. Working with film can be very relaxing.

Did you learn anything about yourself whilst making the film?

Loads! I learned I could make a film with little experience beyond using a camera. I also learned a lot about how to break through limitations of what I’m capable of achieving, both with the film and in life in general.

This is your first film – did you enjoy the film making process?

It’s an exciting process and it continues, because I’m currently preparing the DVD for a limited edition release and still learning how to use the software tools, selecting a manufacturer, and marketing and selling the discs myself too. But there’s something very magical about having a single question “What does it mean

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Duglas T. Stuart to be a BMX Bandit?” and telling a story about that idea. And then sitting down with 400 other people and hearing them get the story. Understanding what you were trying to convey. It’s pretty amazing, actually.

What advice would you have for any young men who might be experiencing depression?

I can only reflect some of my own experiences. First of all, ask for help. Find someone you can trust and tell them exactly how you feel. Don’t hold back. Tell them that you don’t want to feel that way any longer. It’s OK to have your own wants and needs. I often felt “wrong” and “bad” for feeling down and, for example, not wanting to be with my family. But sometimes I just didn’t want to bring them down with me. Also, take care of yourself. Don’t run yourself into the ground with work and other commitments. Find things you enjoy and make time for them. Don’t give up hope.

You might feel that you’ll never get better. But there’s a good chance you will. There are few hopeless cases.

Any advice for aspiring documentary filmmakers out there?

Dream! My children and I used to dream about the day when we’d be in the cinema watching a film that we’d made. We’d imagine our names scroll past as the credits rolled (we’d stay in our seats until the very end of the film). And that dreaming seemed to set off a chain of events. A few years later and we watched our own film in the cinema with 400 other people.

So what’s next for you – any more films in the pipeline?

I have an idea for a film about a local community radio station that has a really magical team. I want to capture the essence of that in another documentary. I have also started writing a screenplay for a short film based on a bizarre restaurant experience I had a few months ago.

If you could pick one song/book/film that ‘saved your life’ what would it be?

That’s a tough question to answer. It might change every day. The song that comes to mind today is BMX Bandits “Listen to Some Music.”

What advice would you give your 16 year old self?

“It’ll all work out.”

There will be a free screening of ‘Serious Drugs’ and Q & A with Jim Burns at The Social, Little Portland St, London on Aug 3rd. For more info visit the events page on facebook.com/idlefret FilmPoster.pdf

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SERIOUS DRUGS a Documentary by Jim Burns

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world premiere: 11th December 2011

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58 31 Glasgow film theatre in association with glasgow popfest 2011 and glasgow film festival 2012 Brilliant

THE RANT

By Chris Owen

OK, I’m going to pre-empt the comments that the next few hundred words may prompt and flag the following: - Yes, I am in my mid thirties - Yes, I am a grumpy shit (my girlfriend recently suggested I am “at least 40% Basil Fawlty”, which I took as a compliment, even though it wasn’t wholly intended as such) - I’ve never been known as a fashion pioneer - The last time I bought some jeans I took them to a tailor to get adjusted so they would fit better and not drag on my heels

Regardless of the above however, I really must get something off my chest – and, no, it’s not a knitted Aran cardie with suede elbow patches.

Quite simply, what the fuck is going on with trousers these days? When did showing your entire pants become acceptable? What is wrong with a belt? And what is the appeal behind looking as if you have actually shat your knickers?

Have thousands of years of culture, fashion and civilisation really brought us here – to a time when walking around with your trousers almost literally round your ankles is deemed acceptable? For the love of Dawkins, is this not a massive evolutionary backward step, where a fashion fad means we’re unable to escape danger? I’m not sure about you, but I’d wager good money that the fashionista walking around with his kecks round his knees won’t outrun the tiger I set upon him.

I understand the history of the fashion – US jails remove belts as potential weapons or means of self harm, so ‘jail slacks’ (note: newly invented terminology) are naturally low slung, and hip-hop artists started mimicking this look. But whilst 2Pac may have had the capacity carry it off with aplomb, an acne ridden teenager from Maidstone doesn’t quite have the same caché. For one thing, I doubt 2Pac ever wore Scooby Doo boxers.

I just can’t imagine getting up in the morning and having to think “well, I would wear this t-shirt, but it clashes terribly with my favourite pants, which I plan on showing the world today.” This is a concern that should never happen.

Honestly, I know I sound like someone’s grandad, but please – for the love of God and your own safety – can we make it stop?

32

Do you have something you want to rant about?

300 words thecalmzone.net Send - CALMzone Helpline London: to 0808editor@thecalmzone.net 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

ATENCIÓN! All our London Marathon Runners: Aimee, Lisa, Hannah, Liz, Sarah, Paul and Jack who made CALM history this year, collectively raising over £14k.

Lan’s Legends for their efforts at the Regents Park 10k.

Our office volunteers: Harriet, Katy, Ness, Stacey, Laura and Arun.

Everyone at Sefton Park Cricket Club for their mind blowing generosity and ongoing support.

Bridget and all at Brainchild Festival for promoting CALM’s message.

Jack Rooke and Cecilia Knapp for being superstars, as ever.

Adam McKinley and Tom Munns for their awesome film making skills and stoic patience at Sound City 2013.

Shane Beale for supporting CALM with his fantastic film ‘Tel Aviv’.

Craig Thompson and everyone at Liverpool Sound City – see you next year!

Our ‘Savage’ Campaign Team, out on the mean streets of London: Alex, Amy, Joshna, Chris, David, Hannah, Kerim, Rai and Josh.

JCDecaux for their generous support.

Props to the Magnificent Mirko for heading the team at StreetFest 2013!

Peter Guy for making us the charity partner for Liverpool’s GIT Awards.

Extra big special volunteer thank yous to Claire Mourier for all your efforts (Safe trip back to Denmark!) and Megan Wright (Enjoy your summer and hope to see you in September!)

Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice…

Q: I‘ve been searching for a suitable lady friend in the bars and discotheques across the land for the past few years but to no avail. I’m considering online dating. Does this make me a massive loser?

George, Balham.

A: Possession is nine tenths of the law. Which is to say: no one cares where you got your other half, so long as you have one and she isn’t ‘chasing Gollum up Mount Ugly’ whilst juggling two knives and pot of boiled bunnies.

‘Yeah, she’s great, isn’t she? You won’t believe we met online’ sounds infinitely better than ‘I’m creeping about on okcupid’. Keep quiet until you seal the deal, yeah?

Q: My girlfriend can beat me in an arm wrestle, beat me at chess and beat me in every drinking game we’ve ever played. I’m starting to have a serious gender identity crisis. Any advice on how to deal with this?

She’s amazing, after all…

Jay, Forest Hill A: Are you Nigerian? Why is everything a competition? Stop looking at it as a competition. Be Norwegian: look at your relationship as a cooperation between genders and you will find who you are a more fulfilling space.

If that doesn’t work, remember this: You will always pee standing up better than she will. Ever. YOU WIN. YOU WIN. HOO-RAH etc.

Q: I’ve got a stammer, which gets worse when I’m nervous. This means that when I meet new people I end up staying silent, for fear of looking like a stuttering idiot. Any advice on how I can turn my speech impediment into something totally awesome?

Barney, Stratford.

A: Firstly check out ‘Stutter’ by Scroobius Pip - this can help you more than anything I could say, dude. Take up rapping. Or comedy. Think of all the embarrassing situations stuttering has got you into. Really rehearse that. Go all out on it, like, self-deprecation level 9. Girls love that (on stage). Guys too, because you can be their mate and stuff. Goldmine dude, you are sitting on Goldmine.

Q: I ‘test fire the old meat missile’ at least 5 times a day, if you know what I mean. Is this excessive? Will I go blind? Am I normal? Will it drop off?

Colin, Farringdon.

A: I’ve been ‘marathon-walking the crotch monkey’ (emphasis on Marathon) for a while now. No problems so far, although I did piss in the fridge and use mayonnaise for toothpaste a few times recently.

Do you have a question for JOSH Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net NOTE: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker.

However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.com

If you need professional advice, call the london CALMzone helpline on 0808 802 5858.

Outside london call: 0800 585858

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