CALMzine issue 12

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CALM

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CAMPAIGN AGAINST LIVING MISERABLY

F RANK T URNER

FRANK TURNER INTERVIEW // COLD CROWS DEAD // MISTER MUMBLES // DEAR JOSH // THE RANT

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CALM

CONTENTS

GREETINGS.

MANifesto .................................................... 2.

Are You Gym Obsessed .............................. 6.

CALM Fashion .............................................. 8.

Inner Life ..................................................... 10.

Mister Mumbles ........................................... 12.

CALM Interview: Frank Turner .................... 14.

Art Show: Steve Horry .................................. 17.

Skaters Fight To Save Southbank................ 19.

I Can’t Get No Sleep ..................................... 20.

Ambassadors Reception ............................. 22.

CALM Competition ........................................ 25.

POEM: Oh Standfast ..................................... 26.

Chris Sav’s Everyman .................................. 29.

INTERVIEW: Cold Crows Dead ..................... 30.

The Rant ........................................................ 32.

Dear Josh ...................................................... 34.

The clocks have gone back, we survived the Super Storm of 2013™ (my neighbour’s dustbin fell over. OMGZ) and Starbucks have started adding cinnamon to every single one of their products, which can only mean one thing. Christmas is round the corner. As the nights close in and Strictly Come Dancing becomes an excuse not to go out on a Saturday, what better way to wile away those long dark evenings than with a spot of CALMzine fuelled brain food?

In this issue we were lucky enough to grab some time with folk rock superstar and newbie CALM ambassador, Frank Turner, who chats to fellow musician Amongst The Pigeons about touring and music as catharsis, Xcerts frontman Murray Macleod tells us about his new side project, Cold Crows Dead, and Adam Spensley campaigns to save the South Bank skate park. Cover art comes from the talented hands of comic artist Steve Horry, Officers take on The Ambassador’s Reception plus the usual suspects deliver the goods in the form of Mister Mumbles’ New Years Resolutions, Chris Owen’s rant about house buying and Dear Josh doling out his ‘wise’ advice to an unsuspecting public.

It’s a tasty collection of literary morsels, I’m sure you’d agree. Finally, I’d like to welcome on board Molly Taylor, who has joined the team as Assistant Editor, enabling me to sit back drinking Egg Nog whilst she does all the work.

Happy Christmas to me! Have a jolly festive season, folks.

See you in 2014!

Rachel Editor

Need Help? Call CALM. London: 0808 802 58 58 Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58.

Lines open 7 days a week 5pm - midnight Want to advertise with us?

Email editor@thecalmzone.net

CREDITS EDITOR: Rachel Clare ASSISTANT EDITOR: Molly Taylor DESIGNER: Silvina De Vita COVER ART: Steve Horry VAN DRIVER’S ASSISTANT: Katie Barton ‘OMGZ’ DISTRIBUTOR: Niamh Brophy CALM DIRECTOR: Jane Powell Contributors: Chris Owen, Mister Mumbles, Rachel Clare, Chris Sav, Joshua Idehen, Oh Standfast, Tom Cook, Ritchie Barnes, Adam Spensley, Dan Jones, Molly Taylor, Daniel Parsons, Steve Horry.

Special thanks to Topman for their ongoing support.

CALMzine is printed on paper from sustainably managed sources. Printed by Symbian Print Intelligence, paper from Gould International UK.

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at editor@thecalmzone.net If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

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Are You Gym Obsessed?

There’s no doubt about it: western men are in the midst of a gym obsession. Plagued by Hollywood movies starring monosyllabic ab-chiselled meatheads, and underwear campaigns of sport stars showing off their rock-hard pecks and digitallyenhanced bulging underpants, males are flocking to the nearest sports centre to get themselves locked into yearly gym contracts.

Where did this gym phenomenon start? This pursuit of physical perfection is certainly not a modern phenomenon. You just have to look at the art of the ancient Greeks and Romans to see the idolatry of male physique at every turn. Men have always been under pressure to at least have a strong physical type, as it’s always been important to be able to ‘look after yourself’. It’s always been useful to have some physical presence for those hairy moments, when violence is threatened, whether from a woolly mammoth or a drunk bloke outside the pub. The predicament men face nowadays is that it’s now not good enough to just have muscle and strength – they also have to be lean and slim, with ripped abs and razor sharp cheekbones. They have to simultaneously look like Don Draper and Robert

Pattinson, and it’s desperately confusing, not to mention near impossible.

But is setting high fitness goals necessarily a bad thing? Physical fitness has many upsides.

Strenuous physical activity releases chemical endorphins into the brain which interact with pain reducing receptors. The ‘exercise-high’ reported by runners isn’t psychosomatic but a real phenomenon, with feelings released when fitness training similar to those triggered by morphine.

Regular exercise has been shown to reduce stress, ward off feelings of anxiety and depression, and improve sleep.

In terms of bodily health, it’s obviously a good thing to maintain a high level of fitness. According to the NHS, ‘moderate-intensity aerobic activity’ can reduce your risk of major illnesses such as heart disease, stroke, diabetes and cancer by up to 50%, and lower risk of early death by up to 30%. They recommend adults from 19-65 should do two-anda-half hours exercise a week to offset the dangers of a modern sedentary lifestyle.

Staying in shape can also boost your self-esteem.

Having a toned physique is something to be proud of if you’ve really worked for it, because you can look in the mirror and think: “I’ve accomplished something. I’ve worked hard and got my results”.

Being out of shape can send people into a bit of a downward spiral, triggering feelings of worthlessness and failure.

However, despite the obvious benefits

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by Tom Cook to fitness, the obsessive gym culture has serious dangers which need addressing. One concern is people’s willingness to turn to supplements like protein shakes too swiftly. Health-food companies prey on gym newbies’ insecurities and promise them fast muscle growth and serious bulk building capabilities which their expensive products rarely deliver. Steroids may cause growth stunting in younger males, erection problems, dramatic mood swings and extreme paranoia, according to Talk To Frank. In 2012, a 17-year-old teenager who’d been abusing anabolic steroids to try and get into the Royal Marines died in hospital, after suffering severe stomach cramps, uncontrollable fits, and blindness.

Of course not all men succumb to mood-shifting, potentially fatal supplements. But those who avoid that particular obstacle and stay all-natural still face some dangers.

Over-training is one of the easiest ways to cause serious injury to yourself, and so often you see men in gyms straining to lift weights far too heavy for them in competitive ‘weight-offs’, twisting their back into unnatural positions to complete that last curl, or running for half the day on a treadmill, determined to lose the calories they believe they gained eating that cheese sandwich for lunch. It’s not helped by ‘Fitspiration’ photos with such slogans as ‘Puking is acceptable. Pain is acceptable. Quitting is unacceptable’, and ‘Obsessed is a word the lazy use to describe the dedicated’. It’s fair to say that these kind of statements are as damaging to the male psyche as Kate Moss’ famous quote ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ is to women. The human body has limits, and the way it tells us when we have reached the safe limit is fatigue and pain.

If someone ignores those signs in the quest for ‘perfection’ they may cause themselves long-term injury, not to mention potential psychological damage.

Men would also do well to do a little basic research on body types before ploughing into an intense gym regimen, striving to attain a physique which may be out of their reach and ultimately damaging to their self-esteem. The somatotype theory, developed

by American psychologist William Sheldon in

the 1940’s, divides physiques into three general categories: ectomorphs, who are slight and tend not to put on muscle or fat easily; mesomorph, the archetypal masculine physique with naturally wide shoulders and a narrow waist, tending to put on muscle easily; and the round-shaped endomorphs, who store and put on fat the easiest. An ectomorph might weight train and eat twice as often as a mesomorph and still not gain a similarly-sized physique, and get frustrated, seeing himself as a failure. An endomorph might put in countless hours on the treadmill trying to become slim but see little effects. Some people will just never look like David Beckham, as hard as they try.

What it comes down to is this: it’s generally a good thing for men to be fit. At least this image pressure for men will at least direct them towards a healthier lifestyle, whereas the Cara Delevigne body-target for women often pressurises them towards near starvation and surgery. Where male fitness becomes unhealthy, however, is when it becomes an obsession. Putting a movie star physique like Daniel Craig’s as their fitness goal may inspire them, but it might also exhaust them physically and mentally, and ultimately leave them dissatisfied, or drive them to extreme measures, such as steroid abuse. Craig’s job is frequently to look good on camera, and as such he devotes himself to unreasonable amounts of workout hours a day, fuelled by monstrous amounts of specially prepared food, spurred on by the best personal trainers. A normal man leading a working life has access to none of those things.

If someone becomes over-obsessed with fitness training, it’s clear that societal pressures may be partly to blame. However, like with all excessive obsessions, he may also need to look inside himself to try and figure out what’s missing in that he’s trying to fill. Everyone wants to look good to impress others and feel good about themselves, not to mention attaining good health and longevity, but there are limits. If you feel you may be taking it too far, setting yourself unreasonable targets and pushing yourself to extreme levels every day, there may be a deeper issue that needs addressing.

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TOTALLY SERIOUS STYLE

By Dan Jones

It’s London Collections: Men this month – the manly version of Fashion Week – with all manner of brogue-wearing, beard-combing fashion editors, buyers and bloggers trotting across the cobbles.

You’ll see them outside The Hospital Club – the upscale members’ only space and LC:M’s official venue – to see more than 60 shows and presentations over three days. With a special reception at No. 10; major luxury brands muscling onto the schedule; the constant focus on heritage (Savile Row, Richard James, Hackett and Dunhill), and the event’s glossy, overwhelmingly slick production, it all feels, well, a little bit serious.

But there is a gang of young British designers who like to flip a finger at the establishment. When other designers are sending out version after version of the same navy suit, they are churning out jumpers with googly eyes, Mickey Mouse bondage gimp masks, or a shirt, it’s collar shaped like the open mouth of a shark, swallowing the head of the wearer. Savile Row it ain’t.

To read more from Dan Jones, go to www.jonestownlondon.com

BOBBY ABLEY Bobby Abley may well be the world’s first fashion designer from Scarborough. The Ravensbourne College of Art graduate creates upbeat menswear inspired by all manner of kitsch, pop culture touchstones: superheroes, Disney Princesses, and a bit of bondage for good measure. He’s shown his collection as part of MAN (the group show at London Collections: Men founded by Lulu Kennedy of Fashion East and Topman to support young, emerging designers), and worked at Alexander McQueen and with Jeremy Scott. Bobby’s Spring Summer 14 collection features his special emblem – the teddy bear – and a look that may or may not take off this spring: a sort of sexy, Sword and the Stone Medieval squire boy. Good luck with that. www.bobbyabley.com

CHRISTOPHER SHANNON Glitter hair. A divisive style, but one that Christopher Shannon sent down the runway at his Spring Summer 14 show last September. The Liverpool-born designer took inspiration from the club scene in the north west (Garlands, Paradise) and dressed up models in fluoro-rubber and PVC, Liberty Art fabrics (fashioned into baggy, sports-influenced shorts), a wobbly zebra print, and cropped hair caked in glitter. It was a big move for Shannon – already a fan of big, obvious and ironic branding but not previously of the sort of menswear-takes-a-trip colour palette of his SS14 collection. Fancy buying into Shannon’s ‘90s club look? His main line pricing is rather serious, but his other brand, Kidda (at ASOS and Urban Outfitters) is more affordable. And a tube of glitter glue is only about a quid. www.christophershannon.co.uk

LAZY OAF In 2001, Gemma Shiel whipped up a set of printed tees in her dad’s garage and sold them at Spitalfields Market. Thirteen years on and her wonky brand, Lazy Oaf, has its own London store, handsome design team, a string of parties and events, and is stocked in over 250 shops worldwide. Knowns for its loopy designs, and eye-poppingly bright prints, the Oafs have collaborated with DC Comics, set up a drawing workshop in the Turbine Hall at Tate Modern, and celebrated their tenth anniversary with a burger birthday cake. In store now is their collaboration with Loony Tunes – a full range of tees and sweats starring Sylvester, Taz, Marvin, Daffy and a cross-eyed, out-all-night Bugs print called Bugged Out. www.lazyoaf.com

My name’s Richie, I’ve recently been diagnosed with anxiety.

I will be first to admit, I could never comprehend what it was or just what a ticking time bomb this has been, until I reached a point where I had a minor meltdown and it wreaked havoc in my life.

In my early 20s, even after being diagnosed previously with depression (after an interesting ride through my teenage years), I maintained the steadfast attitude of “pull your socks up man!” I worked hard, played hard. Now in my late 30s, all those issues that I ignored down the years have become compounded.

Responsibilities such as a daughter, a now disabled partner, attempting to make sense of the latter, balancing it against formulating a home business that allowed me the freedom to care, resulted in a peculiar juxtaposition. I am a compassionate, caring individual - yet find myself in constant conflicts. Why? When things go wrong I become hyper sensitive, emotionally reactive, and people respond to me badly. I now find myself living a life whereby I am perceived increasingly differently to who I know I am inside.

During calmer times, I discussed this extensively with my family, my partner, friends... why can I be so emotionally reactive? It annoyed me because as well you know, the moment you lose your rag during discussions, irrespective of the validity of your argument, you lose. It wasn’t ‘winning’ that mattered, but the 10

ramifications of my reactions, many of which I continue to pay the price for today. The facts?

Ignored. Your “personality” becomes the sole focus of your detractors’ annoyance, it becomes easy to entice others to their point of view, slowly but surely a picture is painted in people’s minds as to who you are. Everything you do is now viewed through their, what I call, “perception glasses”, the filters through which every action and experience must go through. The result? Your true nature is overlooked in favour of a preconceived idea...

In my case you have become, persona non grata. The outsider.

Fast forward a few years, following a huge row at home, feeling utter despair at how I react, how people judge me, repeated business/charity failures and the ceaseless cycle of blame and judgement, I decided - enough!

I booked in to see a counsellor. This was probably the best thing I have done for myself.

After a long session, and a test or two, the verdict. Bad Anxiety.

Yes folks, the good old “fight or flight” mechanism. A lasting legacy from our hunting days, and the keystone to the cage of emotions that totally entrapped me, all explained remarkably simply by a fantastic mental health professional. Surely though, I am not that primitive?

And why the social stigma of mental health illness that I suddenly now fear? Why, even as I write that, do I cringe and ask, ‘Am I a loon’?

After all, I pride myself on being a positive

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INNER LIFE

Anxiety and Constant Conflicts

By Ritchie Barnes

thinker, am ambitious and hard working, how can I possibly have bad anxiety? The answer is simple. Life.

The mind is remarkably complex, our decision making in a constant flux of logic vs. emotion (marketing // professionals know this HOW CAN I all too well). A friend POSSIBLY HAVE of mine uses the term BAD ANXIETY? “compassion fatigue”.

THE ANSWER IS Something I feel is SIMPLE. LIFE. exceptionally accurate. I // passionately hate that my partner is disabled, the state of the world, poverty, injustice, wars etc - and I always have. These are huge underlying factors in how I ended up suffering with anxiety, and yes you suffer, because it is constant, debilitating, and at times excruciatingly emotionally painful.

And there lies the answer to my earlier questions: internalisation. People only see the outward symptoms of anxiety, not the internal cause, and after years of it worsening, those same people have come to know me as my anxiety. So what happens when you tell those people about your diagnosis? This was the point I began to truly understand what people with mental health disorders experience.

A physical injury is tangible, measurable, acceptable, but to ask people: “Please do not judge me by my anxiety, but view my wider life, my general ethics.” I have found the

answer is often simply, no. Empathy is set aside in favour of “He did this, therefore that” without wondering what might be the underlying reason for my reactions and behaviour.

Many people cannot separate a mental health disorder with a person’s personality, viewing a condition such as anxiety disorder, as an intrinsic part of who that person is rather than an illness, albeit an invisible one. You wouldn’t consider a physical illness, such as pneumonia as being an intrinsic part of someone’s personality, so why a mental illness?

With mental health disorders, not only do you have to deal with your ‘invisible’ condition and the consequences of your past actions, but also the stigma, and a plethora of others’ personal beliefs about you. Unfortunately, the personification of your anxiety may now play the lead role in someone else’s story.

My anxiety? It no longer lurks in a dark corner. There are options and hard graft ahead.

Sadly, I feel the main challenge is not always in dealing with your own condition, but with those who refuse to acknowledge it’s existence. This can make anxiety that much harder to conquer, and I believe that until, as a society, we show more empathy and support, this is a problem many may encounter, and I fear for more tragedies amongst young men. In the mean time I can only urge that if you feel you are struggling, do what I did, put “manly” pride to one side, and seek help.

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Vive le Resolution!

London’s most-lauded laudanum lover Mister Mumbles sits down and shares his mind-bending manifesto for the year ahead.

Resolution 1: Make a blancmange at least once a month Resolution 2: Learn to play the oboe using feet Resolution 3: Send a haiku to Pauline Quirke Resolution 4: Push a Curly Wurly through next door’s letterbox Resolution 5: Help a pensioner climb over some railings Resolution 6: Re-grout Mornington Crescent Tube Station Resolution 7: Steal a fancy comb Resolution 8: Oil Father’s knees Resolution 9: Stop worrying about the price of McNuggets Resolution 10: Paint a portrait of Terry Wogan Resolution 11: Wrestle a plumber Resolution 12: Throw a shoe into the sea Resolution 13: Demolish a cathedral by accident Resolution 14: Surprise a police horse with a bell Resolution 15: Go on a bouncy castle with Michael Burke Resolution 16: Crush the little people behind the skirting boards Resolution 17: Challenge Gary Barlow to a game of Cluedo Resolution 18: Embalm a sow Resolution 19: Drink Baileys from a saxophone Resolution 20: Hide a pound coin in the Garfunkel’s salad bar Resolution 21: Eat a bowl of Shreddies on the log flume at Pleasurewood Hills Resolution 22: Visit Cape Town to buy a Pritt Stick Resolution 23: Play cricket using a Chocolate Orange Resolution 24: Pour Lucozade (her favourite drink) on Princess Diana’s grave Resolution 25: Win a Trilby and set fire to it Resolution 26: Draw James Corden’s face on a cup 12

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Resolution 27: Hurl a wardrobe off a bridge (NOT a motorway bridge) Resolution 28: Find out where Noel Edmonds lives Resolution 29: Hire a cement mixer and take it to Truro Resolution 30: Dress up as Jamie Oliver’s wife as a trick Resolution 31: Invent a new type of towel Resolution 32: Inadvertently sit on a flan in Parliament Square Resolution 33: Spread lies about Wales Resolution 34: Re-varnish the downstairs toilet Resolution 35: Try to get a job in Halfords Resolution 36: Donate x3 decorative antimacassars (unused) to Cancer Research Resolution 37: Design a commemorative jelly mould for Shane Richie’s mother Resolution 38: Swap current duvet for a nicer one at the Premier Inn, Peterborough Resolution 39: Drop off a sackful of mixed cheeses at the local orphanage Resolution 40: Force Boris Johnson’s head through the strings of a harp Resolution 41: Write an Elizabethan cookbook Resolution 42: Leave a wasp’s nest by the magazines in WH Smiths Resolution 43: Kiss a sommelier Resolution 44: Download a new set of curtains Resolution 45: Appear on Songs of Praise (in the background) Resolution 46: Enjoy a KitKat in a brothel Resolution 47: Cross the Channel on a baking tray Resolution 48: Threaten to shave Sir Lord Alan Sugar Resolution 49: Swallow a glass eye Resolution 50: Join the gym

See how Mister Mumbles gets on with his New Year’s Resolutions by following him on Twitter @Mister_Mumbles. Go on, you know you want to, you lovely turtler.

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photo credit: Brantley Gutierrez

It may come as something of a shock to find out that post hardcore rocker turned internationally renowned folk troubadour, Frank Turner, is still only 31. With a career starting off with his band Million Dead, 5 solo studio albums under his belt and a swathe of awards to his name, he has seen success worthy of musicians twice his age, and doesn’t appear to be slowing down any time soon. He is currently touring the world off the back of his latest album, Tape Deck Heart. Not only that, but he has recently become a CALM Ambassador. He took a few moments out of his touring schedule to talk to friend and fellow musician Daniel Parsons aka Amongst The Pigeons, about his music, staying grounded and using music as catharsis…Over to you, Daniel..

Daniel Parsons: I’ve known you for quite a long time now. We first met in June 2006 when you were just starting out on your solo career and I booked you for a show in Brighton. Over the years that followed I put you on a few times, you slept on my sofa, provided vocals on one of my tracks and I beat you at swing ball - but I have never interviewed you, so this is a new one for me. With that in mind let’s start with an easy one - where are you right now?

Frank Turner: Phew, an easy start, haha! Right now I’m in Nijmegen, Holland, for the first date of a European tour. It’s good to be back in the saddle, even

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with a bad back and a stand-in guitar player (Dan Allen, great guy).

// THE BIGGEST DANGER IS THAT FEELING OF BEING TRAPPED, HELPLESS, WITH NO WAY OUT AND NO ONE TO TALK TO //

DP: I used to work in Nijmegen – nice town! This is part of the promotion for your current album ‘Tape Deck Heart’ which was released in April this year.

Six months on, are you happy with how the album has been received?

FT: Generally speaking, yes. Funnily enough I think the reception has improved with time. It’s an album that’s quite dense, musically and lyrically, and I personally felt that there were some people who missed some of the layers of it on first listen. Songs like ‘Broken Piano’ have taken a while for some people to digest, but, judging from the live reception (which is my barometer of choice for these things), people are warming to the deeper songs on the record now.

DP: And moving into the context of this interview and your new role as an ambassador for CALM, do you want to shed some light on how we ended up here?

FT: Well, we’ve been friends for a long while. You sent me a link to the piece you wrote for the CALM website about mental health issues, which I read and thought was excellent. You then asked me to share it on my Twitter and Facebook and the like, which I happily did.

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THE CALM

INTERVIEW:

FRANK TURNER

By Daniel Parsons/Amongst The Pigeons

The reaction was great.

DP: For me, personally, it was humbling to see the comments and feedback it generated and it felt in some small way I helped make a difference. Even after all the positive responses I still feel that some people find it difficult to talk about mental health problems they are experiencing. Do you feel there is more people can do to help others feel confident to speak out?

FT: Well, I suspect it’s a battle that will always, on some level, need to be fought. It’s a natural reaction, on some levels, to be scared or confused by the issue of mental health and encountering people suffering, or indeed suffering from it yourself.

Throw in male stereotypes and social roles and I don’t think it’s something that will ever be truly settled. But that’s not a cause for pessimism. Much can be, and is being, done to ease the process of talking about mental health, to reduce fear, ignorance and confusion on the issue. I guess the main thing, for me personally, is to be as open as I can about my own experiences with it (both in myself and in my friends) and try and make it as comfortable and open a topic as I can.

feelings, and even if they don’t, people are generally kinder than you might first think. Talking about your problems is the best thing you can do, confiding in someone. It can be terrifying to make the first leap of starting the discussion, but once you do, you’d be amazed how much weight lifts off you.

DP: I really agree with that view about people being kinder than you’d first think and that’s something I definitely found over the years.

You spend a lot of your time on the road and living in what must be quite a surreal world at times. I know there are other musicians who have struggled with this and mental health issues have crept up on them - Adam Duritz, for example, is a big influence on you and has talked about this in the past. What kind of things you do to help you keep grounded? And have any other musicians ever given you any advice that

DP: In my article I talked about the way I felt I had to hide what was going on in my head. What advice would you give to a young guy who might be going through a bad patch and feels unable to cope or ask for help?

FT: I think the biggest danger, the biggest problem, is that feeling of being trapped, helpless, with no way out and no one to talk to. Actually, a large percentage of the population have experience with at least some of those thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

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photo credit: Brantley Gutierrez

you want to share.

FT: Life on the road at any level is pretty different from life back home (I won’t use the term “normal” there’s no such thing). If you throw in the trappings of success and the attendant circus of bullshit that comes with it, then you have a potential recipe for problems.

Even before coming out on the road I have had issues in my life with self-harm and depression. Thankfully, my family out on the road are great people to have around, really good at keeping me sane and grounded.

I also take a lot from reading people like Henry Rollins, who is great at reminding me that actually, being a professional musician isn’t that special a job, I’m surrounded by people who work harder, get paid less and have it tougher than me.

// I HAVE ‘GO-TO’ ALBUMS FOR CERTAIN MOODS, TIMES AND PLACES. THEY KEEP MY HEAD TOGETHER //

DP: Your lyrics have always had a personal feel about them - with Tape Deck Heart in particular, I know a lot of people have said it’s like having an insight into your private diary. Would you say that having music as an outlet has helped you work though many of life’s situations?

FT: Absolutely. I actually have no idea what I’d do without music as catharsis. Both in terms of writing, which is a great outlet for my pent-up frustrations in life, but also just in listening.

Like most people who love music, I have go-to albums for certain moods, times and places. They keep my head together.

DP: My music is very different to yours and I tend not to write lyrics anymore but I use music as a

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way to relax, unwind, keep sane; it’s my outlet other people write, paint, sketch etc - do you think creativity is important?

FT: Absolutely. It uses the non-rational side of the brain, and that’s vital. I grew up as an academic kid, got a scholarship and so on, and spent a lot of time with people telling me I could be a successful lawyer or teacher or whatever. I think a big part of why I latched onto music so hard when it came into my life is that it used a different side of my brain, which kept me sane, stopped me losing myself in logic and numbers. That’s true for a lot of people in a lot of different ways.

DP: What would be your final piece of advice for someone, having read this article, related to some of the issues and is now wondering what they should do next?

FT: I guess one of the things is to try and get some perspective. When you’re stuck at a dead end and you feel you can’t talk to anyone, it’s easy to feel like there’s no way out. It’s not easy to do, by any means, but if you can find a way to breathe, and step back a little, sometimes you can see another way around whatever is blocking your path.

DP: So what’s next for Frank Turner?

FT: More touring, more records!

For all things Frank, go to www.frank-turner.com You can read Daniel’s article about his experiences with mental health issues at www.thecalmzone.net/tenyearsago/ Also check out ATP’s music here: www.melon.org.uk/atp

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STEVE HORRY Steven Horry is a freelance artist, club promoter and musician, currently playing guitar in a regenerated version of Britpoppers Menswe@r. This year saw the release of his first graphic novel, The Islanders. Written by playwright Amy Mason, Art Brut singer Eddie Argos and folk musician Jim Moray, The Islanders is a comic book and album based on the lo-fi musical of the same name, published by Nasty Little Press. Art Brut have kept him particularly busy this year, commissioning him to produce an illustrated band promo shot, gig posters and a comic strip based on their song Emily Kane, which featured on their iPhone/ iPad app. He is currently splitting his time between the day job, running geeky pub quizzes at The Monarch in Camden and producing comic strips for Avery Hill Publishing, Red Leaf Comics and upcoming self-published comic The Beekeeper, written by The Quietus’ comics editor and longtime collaborator Aug Stone.

You can find his website here: mrstevenhorrythesecond. wordpress.com And buy prints of selected artworks here: www.etsy.com/ shop/stevenhorry

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19

Skaters fight to Save the

By Adam Spensley

Six months ago the Southbank Centre, an arts institution on London’s famous South Bank, handed a potential death sentence to one of the most internationally recognisable and iconic street culture spots in the world. This led to an unprecedented mobilisation of community opposition and an upsurge in support for the maligned occupants of this small patch of subcultural independence. The £120 million redevelopment of the Queen Elizabeth Hall site, to be called the Festival Wing, includes a number of highly criticised elements, but the decision to evict the longestablished community of skateboarders and other street artists from their iconic London home, the Southbank Undercroft, to make way for additional retail space has drawn the most widespread criticism.

The Undercroft is a found space, the oldest of its type in the world and it has evolved into an iconic element of London’s cultural offering. It’s no exaggeration to call this the birthplace of British skateboarding and the site is known worldwide from its appearances in media from niche videos to bestselling computer games. An Undercroft user joins the world’s most influential skateboarders, past and present, as part of a history. As a high cultural institution, the Southbank Centre would never argue in their own field that a replica has equivalent value to an original. How ironic then, that those who earn their livings from this should attach so little value to the organic street culture which has evolved on their own doorstep.

It is this organic culture that is so important to young people from all over the capital. The Undercroft is a public space. It isn’t managed, organized or

controlled. Each new generation of locals chooses to be there despite a wealth of purpose built alternatives around the capital, because of the freedom the Undercroft represents. International pro skateboarder Arto Saari explains that “[skateboarding] is more of an art form than a sport. It’s a lot more of a cultural thing than just doing tricks. In a lot of skateparks they take all that away and mould it into a sport which I don’t think // it’ll ever be. One way or the TO ME, THERE other, skateboarding is going IS NO QUESto keep its freedom. Southbank TION THE is a perfect place to keep that UNDERCROFT freedom.”

IS THE MOST

INSPIRING

For me it was a home from PLACE I HAVE home, a place to get away from EVER SKATED the realities of school and then // work; to forget family arguments, breakups or anything else that got me down. Both the activity of skateboarding and the freedom of the place allowed me to clear my head in a way nothing has since. Contemporary Southbank skater Domas agrees: “This is my place where I can calm down and not think.”

Darryl Munroe, a local BMXer talks about the need for young men to have an outlet, and says that “London is a great place but it’s missing those essentials that you need as men. If you think about the bare sense of man: a sort of hunter/gatherer/provider/ adventurer, Southbank allowed for that [adventure] in a constructive way, a beneficial way. Without that [outlet] you can’t really be a complete person”.

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e Southbank I first skated at the Undercroft 14 years ago. Since then I have travelled the world skateboarding. To me, there is no question the Undercroft is the most inspiring place I have ever skated. I have never experienced such a diverse group of people, who form a tight knit community made up of people from all different backgrounds, from all over the world. I learned more about the real world, and the lessons we all need to learn there than I ever did at school.

The informal learning in the Undercroft, where older members of the community pass stories and advice down to younger users is an invaluable resource to society, as many Undercroft residents do not learn well in a formal education environment. I am now a schoolteacher and those lessons inform how I work today. I try to teach on a level with my students, give them advice, let them help each other and chat to me as another person, not as an authority figure.

True public spaces teach respect and acceptance, they act as a great leveler in society. Karim Bakthoui has a completely different story from mine but also attributes to the Undercroft a change in his world view: “I come from a rough estate. Skateboarding gave me a separate outlet apart from gang crime to follow something that I wanted to do. I know it sounds cliché ‘yeah, yeah, it got you out of the hood’ but it did. All the people I knew, they’re all in fucking jail. I didn’t want that. All I know is that through skating, and skating at Southbank especially, it’s given me a career. Through the prestige of having a skateboard career I’ve attained a job for life, so it’s not only kept me out of trouble it’s made a whole life for me”.

For years Southbank has provided more than just

photo credit: Sophia Bennett

a personal outlet for skaters. Many of the regulars have used their experiences to inspire work and other entrepreneurial pursuits beyond the immediate skateboarding realm. Nick Jensen credits the Undercroft with inspiring his career as an artist/skate company art director and Lev Tanju runs the global skate fashion brand Palace and says, “I wouldn’t be doing anything if it wasn’t for Southbank.”

When the Festival Wing designs were submitted to the planning authorities, they generated an unprecedented 14,000 written objections. In light of this, the planning application was suspended to allow time for further review. Recent developments sadly suggest that the most controversial aspect of the plans, the eviction of the skateboarders, will not be reviewed. The Southbank Centre have refused any meeting with preservation of the Undercroft on its agenda and most recently, they have released images of a new “purpose built skate-park” under Hungerford Bridge 100m upriver, clearly aimed at distracting from the real issue; the preservation of a much loved space.

Almost everyone you talk to at the Undercroft has a story of how it has changed their life for the better.

No matter how the Southbank Centre tries to present “relocating the skateboarders”, an eviction remains an eviction whether it is 100 meters or 100 miles.

What is proposed is an act of cultural and societal vandalism. It destroys one of the last free spaces where London’s youth can express themselves, through skateboarding or BMX or graffiti, in a rule free environment. That is something worth fighting for.

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21

I CAN’T GET It’s that time again. You’ve woken with the glare of the streetlights coming through your window and your mind is furiously trying to process everything you did the day before, everything you should be doing in the day that’s approaching, and everything you might have done wrong in the last five or so years of your life. When you see the time flashing red on your nightstand more than you see the insides of your eyelids, you might start to think about chucking ‘insomnia’ into a search engine.

But what do we already know about sleep and sleeplessness? Well, the NHS tells us that adults should get in between 7-9 hours of good kip a night in order to maintain normal brain function and energy levels, but this advice doesn’t help those who find it hard to drop off (or to stay asleep if they do). The most common guidance comes under the slightly bizarre heading of ‘sleep hygiene’: a set of rules to help your mind settle down in the evening. This includes removing all computer or phone screens from the bedroom area (make this space only for sleeping) and ensuring you go to bed at the same time day in, day out. Refining your sleep hygiene, however, could cost you the big bucks. According to The Fiscal Times, the recession-proof sleep aid industry’s revenues totaled an estimated $32 billion in 2012 alone: that’s an 8.8% increase every year since 2008. These aids might include anything from specially designed mattresses, to herbal and chemical medicines, to actual sleep therapists, trained to deliver the ZZZs.

But can these little changes really work?

If you consider that insomnia is often a symptom of another disorder, such as anxiety or depression, or a side effect of the medication used to treat them, then that advice can seem a little futile. It’s time to explore a more complex picture of sleeplessness, and to recognise all the varied, absurd ways that we fail to feel rested each morning.

// SOME NIGHTTIME VISIONS CAN RUN ON INTO DAYTIME AND AFFECT MOOD //

Will Lawn, PhD student, describes his experience with sleeplessness as such: “I worry about sleep in a very structured way: I work out how much sleep I definitely need, and then get anxious when I don’t think I’ll get that amount or worry that the quality of the sleep will be poor. Then, I retrospectively attribute my distractedness and bad moods on the imperfect sleep the night before.

The funny thing is, I actually get to sleep incredibly quickly most of the time. If I’m lying down, and it’s quiet and dark, I can definitely nod off. But it’s what happens when I’m asleep that bothers me the most: I really feel like I’m not asleep for large portions of the night.”

So it’s not just the recognisable image of lying awake for hours on end staring at the ceiling that can have an effect on us: sleeplessness can also manifest itself

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T NO SLEEP

By Molly Taylor

in disrupted patterns of sleep, sudden waking, and bad dreams. The London Sleep Clinic identifies two distinct and markedly different states of sleep: non rapid-eye (NREM) movement and rapid-eye movement (REM).

The latter is when we sleep the deepest, and has also been identified as the time when we dream (hence the eyes rolling about all over the place). Though culturally we identify dreaming as a pleasant, even spiritual, experience, some night-time visions can run on into the daytime and affect mood.

It is clearly the anxious nature of my waking thoughts that affect me at night. I just can’t seem to escape being awake when I go to sleep.”

Will continues, “My dreaming is so intense, so based in real life events, and so commanded by my waking thoughts that it becomes very draining. I often wake up feeling exhausted because the dreams themselves are so vivid and stressful.

The emergence of new technology to monitor our sleep might encourage those who are not used to considering how much sleep they’re getting to do so. On the other hand, iPhone apps such as ‘Sleep Cycle’ that closely detail how deep a sleep you have had, may actually contribute to this kind of obsessive anxiety about quality and length of sleep. This innovative gadget uses the phone’s ‘accelerometer’ to register the sleeper’s noise and movement, creates a graph showing the depth of sleep over the course of the night, and then picks an appropriate time to wake you up, i.e. when you are nearly surfacing anyway.

Funnily, their subject matter is frequently focused around boring, mundane aspects of my life. They might involve making slight adaptations to an experiment I am trying to design, or working out how I should organise my journey to work. When I studied chemistry, the bed would become full of aromatic rings and I would move hydroxy and carboxyl groups around me in my sleep, constantly failing to create the chemical I needed. When I worked with mice in a lab I would open up their cages and watch them escape, causing the inevitable failure of my experiment.

In the end, all of these things might work for some people, but one thing is for certain: there’s nothing that will kill off any chance of sleep faster than worrying about not being able to sleep. So it’s important to figure out why you’re finding it difficult to drop off, or why you’re waking before morning. What do you think about when you lie in bed at night? Is there someone you can chat to about these things to ease their prominence in your mind? If you can address these things in the light, then when night comes, they might not seem so daunting.

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23

AMBASSADOR’S

RECEPTION:

OFFICERS At CALM we have a band of merry men and women who are proud to call themselves ambassadors for the Campaign Against Living Miserably.

But who the hell are they? Reveal yourself…OFFICERS Tell Us About Yourself…

Matt Southall and Jamie Baker from OFFICERS. Analogue and Digital fiends.

So Why CALM? Our friend Eddy Temple-Morris introduced us to the important work that CALM does and we could identify with its importance from the outset. Being guys who’ve both struggled with situations and illness that has affected our mental health, the stigma attached to these issues we wanted to do all we could to take a stand, raise awareness and help to save the male.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

During our tour with Gary Numan we had the opportunity to discuss his ups and downs. His advice essentially came down to “You can’t change the past, you can’t control the future, so just try and deal with

where you are right now and enjoy that moment”. It was a bit like enlightenment.

No matter what’s happening with what we’re doing we try and remind each other of that. It’s not always easy - but just the concept of trying to stay in the moment can be comforting.

What is your one ‘lifesaver’ track that is guaranteed to make you feel better when things get tough?

The ironically titled ‘In a dark place’ by Gary Numan.

What is your one rule for living life?

Stay true, open and honest with yourself.

It’ll ultimately just end in even more unhappiness. Realise that even when things get bad, someone’s already been there and there is a way out. Minds are fragile things so take care of it and learn that’s it’s okay to say ‘I could do with some help’ when you need it. Remember - You can’t bullshit your own mind.

Check out Officers at www.officers.uk.com or on Twitter @officersmusic

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WIN A FRANK TURNER GOODIE BAG, INCLUDING A SIGNED & FRAMED ‘SLEEP IS FOR THE WEEK’ VINYL ALBUM SLEEVE! The lovely folks at Xtra Mile Recordings have very generously put together this AMAZATRON competition prize including (deep breath): Sleep Is For The Week signed and framed album sleeve, signed poster, copy of Tape Deck Heart, Frank Turner Wembley scarf, FT badges, England Keep My Bones poster, Vintage Million Dead poster, rare promo cds, XMR stickers and badges, and finally a splendid Frank tote bag to put everything in. You can’t buy this in the shops, people! To get your hands on the goods, just answer this simple question (the answer is somewhere in this magazine):

What is the name of the town in Holland where Frank did the interview?

To enter, email your answer to editor@thecalmzone.net using Subject: ‘CALM FRANK TURNER COMP.

Winners will be notified by email after the closing date.

We can only accept entries from the UK. Competition closing date: Feb 1st 2013.

A Conversation, Modern

by Oh Standfast

A conversation, modern.

By Oh Standfast And I was like…

And he was like…

And I was like…

And he was like…

And I was like…

And I was like…

And I was like…

And I was like…

And he was like…

And I was like…

And he was like…

OH LOOK, BUY THE BOOK! This poem & other words by Oh Standfast feature in his new book ‘Don’t you wish your kindle was a book, like me?’

Are you listening?

You’re not even listening!

End.

All profit from book sales will be donated to CALM and you can get your hands on a copy for only £3 by visiting www.musicglue.com/ 26 thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58 ohstandfast

27

NEXT

ISSUE

OUT FEBRUARY 2014

Everyman by chris sav

CALMZINE

NEEDS YOU

r Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website. r What’s your obsession, your passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview? r We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work could be on our website and in these very pages.

Get in touch with Rachel at: editor@thecalmzone.net

INTERVIEW: Cold Crows Dead

By Rachel Clare

Inspired by Sparklehorse’s Mark Linkous, The Xcerts frontman, Murray MacLeod, and pop wunderkind Paul Steel have teamed up to form side project, Cold Crows Dead. The result is edgy, ethereal concept album ‘I Fear A New World’, about murder, the underworld and the darker side of life. CALM met with MacLeod to find out more…

In between touring with your band The Xcerts, you’ve managed to make time for side project, Cold Crows Dead with producer/songwriter and friend to Brian Wilson, Paul Steel. How did this collaboration come about?

Murray MacLeod: Paul’s a good friend of mine, and it all started because we both loved Sparklehorse. I’m a massive fan of Paul and I always wanted to document our friendship by making music together, but I never had the time because Xcerts are so busy. But when we came off tour, Paul and I started working on the idea, wrote a song and went ‘that was fun, let’s do another’.

You mention the influence of Sparklehorse on Cold Crows Dead, so was that the catalyst that got this project off the ground?

MM: Paul introduced me to Sparklehorse. I wasn’t into it at first, but then I revisited ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and it just clicked. I would never say that we are on the same level as Mark Linkous but Paul definitely brings out my weirder side and I bring out his more emotive side.

You used some quite unconventional methods when recording this album, using ‘found sounds’…

MM: We just drank a lot of white wine and then got really weird. We recorded me under water in his bathtub and stuff like that. There were no boundaries at all. We didn’t think

anyone was going to hear it, so we just did a load of tripped out stuff. It was nice to be creatively experimental.

American poet and Beach Boys lyricist Stephen Kalinich features on the track ‘Man In Bleak’. How did that collaboration come about? Did you get to meet the great man?

MM: Oh yeah, we’ve hung out. It was crazy. Paul knows him because of the whole Beach Boys connection, and talks to him regularly. That whole LA scene and Beach Boys community are all aware of Paul, and so Stevie and him have worked together. I luckily got to hang out with him on a handful of occasions.

Do you and Paul split music & lyric writing equally?

MM: Paul produces and writes the music and I write the music and do all the lyrics. It’s funny because it’s a true labour of love writing lyrics for The Xcerts. I really take my time, but with Cold Crows Dead it was like a stream of consciousness. Paul would be cleaning up a vocal take or something, and I would write the lyrics while he was doing that, so each one took about ten minutes. I didn’t realise how bleak they were until I had to write them out for our sync company. I just thought ‘What? They’re really dark’.

That mix of uplifting and ethereal music, combined with dark lyrics is very compelling, and is also something that Sparklehorse did so brilliantly…

MM: We never intended it to be that way, it just happened.

I like how dark the lyrics are, because I had a story in mind and when I read it all back, the story made complete sense to me. Basically, a man has murdered his wife and is then swallowed whole by the Earth and sent to the afterlife. In each song he meets a different group of people, so each

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// IT’S THAT FEELING OF Do you find it easier to express yourself through your NOT BEING lyrics, than face to face?

ALONE AND MM: Exactly that. For me music is like free therapy. I get to THAT THERE write down every thought, every aspect of my life. Maybe ARE OTHER that’s why I write more melancholic songs. I’m a happy So what’s next for Cold Crows Dead?

PEOPLE GOperson day to day, but if I didn’t have this outlet I think I MM: We wanted to do an 80’s record would be riddled with insecurities. next, like a John Hughes/Breakfast Club ING THROUGH THE SAME style 80s. Cyndi Lauper for men! Either THING. Some guys feel that by saying ‘I’m feeling like shit and way, we’ll definitely make another // don’t know if I can deal with things right now’ they might record. That’s the great thing about track is a different scene.

walking down to the beach and staring at the sea is really calming. Confiding in someone is important too. A lot of people say talking helps, but it really does.

be seen as being less of a man somehow…

MM: I think that is why music is so great because they hear a guy being emotional and saying ‘this has happened in my life, but I’m OK’. I had the exact same thing when I was younger. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with Crones Disease. At the time I was like ‘I’m going to die. This is it’.

I had no idea what the illness was, but then I was sitting at home ill one day watching MTV2 and a news item came up saying that the band Glassjaw had to cancel their UK tour because their lead singer had Crones, so instantly I was like ‘whoah there’s someone else out there with this’. It’s that feeling of not being alone and that there are other people going through the same thing.

Cold Crows Dead - if nobody cares then that’s fine, since we just enjoy making music together. I hope people do care about it, of course, but it’s not like Paul and I are going to break up the band if they don’t!

What advice would you give to a guy who was struggling with his own demons?

MM: I aspire to other musicians and people in the limelight, because you hear about traumatic experiences these people have gone through and have come out the other side. The world is a beautiful place filled with so many beautiful things. Don’t let self-doubt cripple that. It’s a BIG world.

Escapism is really good. I live in Brighton, so for me just

You don’t want to immediately follow your inaugural tour with your farewell tour, after all…

MM: Exactly! With Cold Crows Dead, we’ll just keep making records in a Sufjan Stevens kind of a way – release albums and see what happens. We’ll keep experimenting with the modern age of the music industry. It’s all there for the taking.

Cold Crows Dead ‘I Fear A New World’ is out Dec 2nd on Ray Gun Records.

Their UK tour kicks off at Start The Bus, Bristol on Dec 7th.

For more info check out: www.coldcrowsdead.com You can read the full interview at www.thecalmzone.net/coldcrowsdead

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31

THE RANT

By Chris Owen

The moment has come – I am having to properly play at being a grown-up: we’re looking to buy a house – me and the missus. It should be a joyful, exciting, ‘cooo let’s get that one!’ experience, but it bloody isn’t because houses are too bloody expensive and everything’s shit.

Before you say it, yes, we’re looking in the South East and so yes, things are expensive, but we’re not looking at London which has – after all – just become Piss Take Central as far as property is concerned. I’ve just walked down to Shepherd’s Bush, from Goldhawk Road which, (apologies if you live there), is hardly the Garden of Eden but has grotty two bed flats on the market for half a million quid. Half a million. For a jockey’s coffin of a flat in an area I’m wary of taking my mobile out of my pocket for fear of it being nicked.

And we don’t want a flat, we want a house. A home, something with our own door and a bit of garden – somewhere for me to plant things that will inevitably die as I’m a terrible gardener but godDAMMIT I want them to die on my land.

And then there’s the mortgage advisors themselves – patronising little fuckers that they are. Don’t call our deposit ‘just’ or ‘only’ tens of thousands of pounds. This is a LOT OF MONEY. And don’t say ‘ahhh bless’ when I tell you what we’re looking to get for our money.

‘Bless’? ‘Bless’?!? I’m not asking to borrow twenty pee for some fucking sweets – I want to buy a house. Somewhere to live, a home.

It should be exciting and fun – it should be (and bloody will be unless a lottery win comes our way) the biggest purchase of our life together, and we should enjoy it.

Unfortunately, this shitty house market, and the petty, nit picking little thunderfucks who are supposed to steer you through it just make in a pain in the arse.

Do you have something you want to rant about?

Send 300 words to editor@thecalmzone.net 32 thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

ATENCIÓN! High fives to our new trustees George, Damien and Marcus.

Welcome aboard the good ship CALM. BIG things to come...

Everyone who has run, jumped or swam to raise money for the CALM cause. We couldn’t do this without you!

Fresher’s Fair Campaign Team, spreading the CALM word to students across London: Hannah L, Anthony, Rachel, Maddie, Ben, Kerim and RKZ

An astronomical thank you to the CALMzine Dream Team, pounding the pavements on a Saturday afternoon! David, Chris, Jaxx, Mirko, Amy, Stew, Hannah G, Donna, Nic and Rachel

IPC for choosing us as their charity of the year 2014. Whoop whoop!

Cheers Carolyn Garland at IPC for continuing to deliver the goods.

Martin Seager & John Barry from UCL for their research

Props to Sam Bacon for his fundraising and support.

Molly Taylor for coming on board and braving the prospect of working with our editor.

Good luck with that!

Finally thanks to our writers, who do all of this for free.

Mind boggling dedication. Loving your work.

Our amazing office volunteers: Thenuka, Sam W, Daniel, Arun and Sam H. Thanks for all your hard work and good luck to Tom C.

Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice…

Q: I have decided that 2014 is the year I take up a new hobby to get myself off the sofa and away from Grand Theft Auto 5. I have toyed with the idea of becoming a community super hero, fighting crime in my Argos Ironman outfit. Whaddya reckon?

Jamie, Bethnal Green A: Jamie, no offense, but bollocks! Everyone knows you can’t be a real superhero UNLESS YOU MAKE YOUR OWN COSTUME. Spiderman made his. Batman made his. How dare you sully their very good name purchasing some slave-factory-knockoff from Argos?! ARGOS! THE NERVE! KNOCK OFF IS WHAT YOU ARE, SIR, KNOCK-OFF. Short answer, no.

Q: Every Christmas my Aunty Brenda knits me a seasonal jumper and insists I wear it on Christmas day. This year, my new girlfriend is coming over and I’ll be mortified if she has to see me adorned with woolly reindeer and sequined snowflakes. What the hell do I do?

Keith, Wandsworth A: Yo, dude, my mom buys me clothes all the time. Always in pink, because my mom likes pink. Now I wear them all the time. You know why? Because my mom buys them for me, and it makes her happy. And my girlfriend who once laughed at the sight of them was really touched by my ability to laugh at myself a bit and thus, I gained some brownie points. Did I mention I love pink now? And I always did and that my mom never ever bought me a pink shirt ever? It was all a lie? What was your question again?

Q: I want to be in a band, but I can’t sing for shit. This doesn’t seem to have stopped Bob Dylan, so any tips on how to get over this minor hurdle between me and place in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame?

Frank, Fulham A: Learn to write songs. That shit is Jenga; all it takes is patience and time. Soon you’ll be shit hot, and you’ll write all the songs, and all the songs will be hits cuz you’re shit hot. YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE BAND, YO, THEY’RE YOUR SONGS THAT YOU WROTE FOR YOUR VOICE BECAUSE HELLO, EVERYONE CAN SING. That’s how Bob did it.

That’s how Sylvester Stallone did it. That’s how I do it. WRITE THE GOOD SHIT. Q: Is it wrong for a grown man to wear leggings? They’re SO comfortable, if a little ‘revealing’ of the family jewels…

Billy, Forest Hill A: Mother used to say, ‘The hippo is too busy getting nice and wet.’ What I think she meant was, I think you should steer a bit away from Port ‘What’ll the others say’ and head for the island of ‘I like it and no one’s getting hurt so mutha fooking leggings it is.’ We live in a world where grown men rub oil on themselves, wear knickers and fake wrestle on TV. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, YO. Having said that, wear some boxers over the nutsacks. Nobody got time for that.

Do you have a question for JOSH Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net NOTE: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker.

However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.com

If you need professional advice, call the london CALMzone helpline on 0808 802 5858.

Outside london call: 0800 585858

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Tickets, events, news and reviews. We're here to help you have the time of your life.

ES T. 20 01

Weekends Matter

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