CALMzine issue 18

zine

CALM

CHARITY REG. NO. 1110621 & SCOT SC044347

FREE

PROFESSOR

GREEN PROFESSOR GREEN // JUKE JAXON // GARETH BERLINER// SWING TING // DEAR JOSH

CALM

CONTENTS

GREETINGS.

MANifesto ..................................................... 5.

CALM’s ‘How To’ Guide ................................ 6.

Inner Life: Gareth Berliner............................. 8.

Reclaim The Sheets....................................... 10.

Mister Mumbles ............................................ 12.

INTERVIEW: Professor Green ........................ 14.

ART SHOW: Silvina De Vita............................ 17.

FASHION: On The Frontline .......................... 20.

CALM meets Juke Jaxon ...............................22.

Ambassador’s Reception ............................. 24.

CALM Competition......................................... 25.

POEM: I Run .................................................. 26.

Depression: Early Warning Signs.................. 30.

The Rant ....................................................... 32.

Dear Josh....................................................... 34.

Summer time, and the living is easy, fish are jumping and the cotton is high, so sung Nina Simone and countless others. Apart from the cotton, the fish and the easy living, that pretty much sums up what we’re on about. IT’S SUMMERTIME, Y’ALL! We are pretty pumped about what’s in store over the next few months at CALM Towers, particularly since that means we get to dress up in glitter and galaxy print meggings and hang out in the CALM Tea and Secrets tent at Secret Garden Party. Swing by for a rich tea and a brew if you happen to be shimmering past! Anyhoo, besides hanging at festivals drinking tea, we’ve also been busy pulling together a tasty bunch of words for this ‘ere mag.

We caught up with to the one and only Professor Green, rapper, singer and new CALM patron, about life, music and not being shit, and Coronation Street’s Macca, AKA Gareth Berliner, shares his very personal story. An eye-opening read. Unsigned London two-piece, Juke Jaxon, introduce themselves, we hand out tips on how to survive festival season unscathed. All this along with the usual reprobates Dear Josh, Mister Mumbles and Chris Owen’s The Rant providing the sweet stuff.

Do yourself a favour, make sure you have a CALMzine tucked in your back pocket throughout the summer months for all your literary needs.

Also doubles as a fly swat. Win Win. Enjoy!

Need Help? Call CALM. London: 0808 802 58 58 Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58.

Webchat: thecalmzone.net/get-help Open 7 days a week 5pm - midnight Want to advertise with us?

Email editor@thecalmzone.net

CREDITS EDITOR: Rachel Clare DESIGNER: Silvina De Vita COVER ART: Silvina De Vita VAN DRIVER’S ASSISTANT: Bríd McKeown SPECIAL OPS: George Prior-Palmer MISS MONEY PENNY: Celia Clark EL PRESIDENTE: Jane Powell Contributors: Shane O’Brien, Gareth Berliner, Alex Van Oostrum, Chris Owen, Chris Sav, Joshua Idehen, Rachel Clare, Jack Rooke, Heather Fitsell, Topman, Mister Mumbles, Hannah Goodwin.

Special thanks to Topman and JC Decaux for their ongoing support, and to Kevin Braddock for your help and guidance.

CALMzine is printed on paper from sustainably managed sources. Printed by Symbian Print Intelligence, paper from Gould International UK.

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at editor@thecalmzone.net.If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

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MANIFESTO!

“

By Majestic.

I am a man,

and sometimes I have needs and sometimes I can be sensitive, and I talk to my friends in those moments. But sometimes my friends aren’t around.

So, rather thank bottling it up and just carrying on with your day, going on Facebook and putting your status as ‘Everything is OK’,

why not talk to someone?

You can speak to

CALM.

Think anonymous, free, confidential.

No one needs to know what you’re feeling apart from the other person at the end of the phone, call them today. Don’t delay.

”

THE SILENCE IS KILLING US.

No more.

GET HELP

www.thecalmzone.net/ get-help

Festival season is upon us, and with it come the thrills and excitement of spending your summer weekends dowsed in overpriced cider, sleeping in a one man tent with three of your best buddies and at constant risk of dropping your phone down a long drop toilet. So here are a few tips to get you through to September without any unwanted trips to A&E, Carphone Warehouse or Moonbaby’s Mind Massage tent…

Words: Rachel Clare Cash points at festivals are a freaking Baby wipes. Even if you forget your tent, your shoes NIGHTMARE. Not only do you run the risk of and your wallet, as long you have baby wipes about missing Alt-J on the Garibaldi Biscuit stage whilst your person, your festival experience is going to be you queue for three hours in knee high mud, but juuuust fine. Not only will these moist towellettes keep those bastard machines will charge you a million your undercarriage squeaky clean whilst others suffer pounds to withdraw a fiver. So get your cash ‘swamp balls’, you can also use them to give yourself out before you go, and store it somewhere safe. a perfectly respectable bed bath to rid you of ‘festival Down your trousers, up you bum, whatever. Just arm pit’ plus you can use them wipe off the glitter don’t leave it in your tent, because there are some and face paint in time for the Monday morning team sticky fingers in them there campsites... meeting at work.

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Drugs are for mugs, right kidz? People do drugs at festivals and let’s not pretend otherwise. We’re not here to judge. All we would say is that the already altered reality of a festival can lead to overindulgence and the last place you want to spend your festival weekend is in the welfare tent having the worst comedown of your life, or even worse, in a provincial A & E having your stomach pumped. Go easy and if you’re worried that you or your mate might have over done it, get help immediately.

Don’t feel pressured to take drugs if you don’t want to – there are enough trippy things to see, hear and do at festivals without needing any chemical help, so if you’re not into it, don’t do it.

I have a mate who has this innate gift to be able to find the ‘magic toilet’ at every festival he goes to. The ‘magic toilet’, in case you don’t know, is the one sparkling portaloo tucked away in some obscure corner of the site, behind the fire poi stall or over by St John’s Ambulance headquarters, where the toilet remains clean, fresh and stocked with toilet paper throughout the whole weekend. Seek and you shall find…

Losing your mates is a right royal pain in the arse when you’re in a field of 300,000 people, no service on your phone and your friends have wandered off whilst you were grabbing yourself a falafel wrap and a can of tango. This is where a ‘thing’ on a stick comes in handy. A bone of contention for many festival-goers, the advent of flags has meant that instead of seeing the look of confused ennui on Kanye’s face on the Pyramid Stage, you are faced with hundreds of pirate flags billowing in the wind. Not cool. We are not averse, however, to the ‘thing on a stick’. Be it an old shoe, a stuffed animal or, in one mate’s case, a fake hand flipping the bird, whatever your icon of choice, make it seeable but not big enough to block the views of hundreds of people behind you. Your friends will find you, the crowd will love you.

Shagging. It’s a thing people do at festivals. A lot. In mud. In tents. In ponchos. In..ebriated.

It’s natural, kidz, but just be careful. We don’t want to sound like your mum, but if you get lucky, use protection. Take condoms with you and keep one in your sock at all times.

There’s a chance that the glittery fairy child of your dreams you hooked up with after fifteen Kopparbergs might actually not be your one true love come the morning, so on top the morning after awkwardness, you don’t want to be laden with any icky STIs, let alone a festival baby. No glove, no love, you get me?

photos: Hannah Goodwin/Rachel Clare

Sleep at festivals is a funny old thing. It happens at any time of day and in any place. Don’t restrict yourself to the old fashioned nighttime sleep.

Oh no. Most festival sleep occurs face down on a hay bale between the hours of 10am and 3pm. This is fine. It is encouraged. Most of the fun happens at night, so why sleep then, right? Go vampire, and get your shut-eye in the cabaret tent during the daylight hours. It’ll be dark, empty and if you happen to wakeup, at least you have something jiggly to look at.

Festivals are exciting, eye opening, mind blowing affairs, but can also be overwhelming, exhausting and emotionally taxing, so make sure you take some time out to chill out.

Fuck FOMO – taking a bit of time away from the epicenter of fun is all-good in our book. If you’re at Secret Garden Party, you can come and find our CALMzone tea and Secrets tent for a free cuppa, a sofa and a quiet game of Scrabble. See you for that triple word score!

My name Is Gareth Berliner and I’m 43. I’m a stand-up comedian and actor who has suffered with depression and I identify as being a disabled person. I’ve also tried to kill myself.

After tremendous weight loss and ill health when I was 13, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (a chronic bowel condition). Initially, when told of my diagnosis, I smiled, relieved I did not have a terminal disease, like Cancer. However, I struggled with depression on and off from this moment onwards.

At 17, I was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery and almost died. After recovering, I managed to get my first full time job, but after a few months I was hospitalised again and was sacked. Depression hit but 6 months into my recovery I got another full time job, but history repeated itself. I got ill, they sacked me and any hopes I had of future employment and career slid away like clowns slipping on banana skins.

There were a lot of long-term stays in hospital over the next few years, having various surgeries and recovery periods. It disrupted my education and I never had any real relationships with girls. I was always in the dreaded ‘friend zone’ - great to talk to but not seen as boyfriend material, given my health and mental state.

I left home at 20 and moved in with friends - I needed my independence. As I matured into adulthood, every visit to hospital infantilised me again - unable to look after myself and awarded constant care by strangers as well as cheerful visits from friends and relatives that more often than not left me feeling like some kind of sad exhibit in a travelling sideshow.

In 1994 aged 22, after another long-term stay in hospital, some lifesaving surgery, a serious bout of depression and a painkiller addiction, I was released from

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hospital. During this seven month stay, I began a relationship with a beautiful nurse. I lost my virginity to my Florence Nightingale and finally felt that someone could and would eventually accept me despite my health. But ‘Florence’ went travelling and I continued to struggle with on going depression and catastrophic thoughts.

In 1999 everything went completely pear shaped. I was back in hospital and ended up with something called a Jejunostomy (it’s like a colostomy but the bag sits higher up). I was in hospital over New Year, celebrating the new Millennium and almost dying in the process. I had major surgery and when I woke up the Jejunostomy had gone, but it had been replaced with Total Parenteral Nutrition (TPN).

I left hospital and went back to my one bedroomed flat in Leyton. I had had so much intestine removed that I was now regarded as ‘intestinally failed’. I was hooked up to a TPN machine 23 1/2 hours a day, which pumped nutritional fluid into my body. I had short gut syndrome as well as Crohn’s, which meant the more fluid I drank, the more dehydrated I became. My body was becoming a living oxymoron.

Depression can sometimes feel like a comfort blanket, easier to slip into and wallow in than climb up and out of. Stuck in this dingy, cold, one bedroomed flat, hooked up to my nutritional pump, I began to climb the walls.

The voice in my head knew the solution. Kill myself, nice and simple. So, one day I put on some loose fitting 501’s, a t-shirt and a decent pair of trainers and ran a bath. I then took an overdose, got in the tub and waited.

After a couple of hours something strange happened.

For a moment, lying in this bath, the mental smog

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INNER LIFE: My Proudest Failure

By Gareth Berliner

cleared and I had a wonderful moment of clarity. The healthy part of my mind suddenly looked at my clothed body submerged in the bath and recalling the 80s Nick Kamen Levi’s adverts about shrink fit jeans, thought “You’ve been in the bath for over 2 hours now, these jeans should fit pretty good“. I laughed out loud both to myself and at myself. I climbed // out and celebrated being alive.

I COULDN’T

I couldn’t phone anyone and tell PHONE ANYONE AND TELL THEM them I’d attempted suicide, so I kept it to I’D ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SO myself. I was manic for about I KEPT IT TO two weeks but the depression returned. This time, however, MYSELF. as I sunk lower and felt the urge to take my life come back, I decided to fight it. I called my parents. I told them I needed rescuing before I did something stupid. I told them I already had.

They came and got me and took me to a GP. I told him about my suicide attempt. Having apparently taken enough pills to kill two people, let alone one, the irony was that the nature of my condition meant I hadn’t fully absorbed everything because of my intestinal failure.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger they say, and the rotten bowel I wanted to be free of had essentially saved me.

I had a lot of psychotherapy as I slowly recovered. I got a special backpack to hook up to my nutritional fluid on the move and slowly my hours attached to it were cut down. Presently I hook up every other day.

In 2005 I started stand-up comedy a few years later and did a solo comedy show at The Melbourne International Comedy Festival and then the Edinburgh Fringe Festival telling my story. For obvious reasons it was called GUTLESS. The show was a success and not long after, I was

able to turn pro. I’d found a job where I could be my own boss and even if I felt ill I could generally still get up on stage and do a 20 or 30 minute set.

In 2011 I met my wife, actress Kiruna Stamell. In 2012 we bought a home together, moving from London to Birmingham and last year I landed a part in Coronation Street playing Macca (a sweet, loveable, dodgy geezer).

I’m still doing stand-up but hoping to do more acting.

I’ve recently got a very small part in an episode in the next season of Dr Who. With depression it’s very easy to think all is lost; that the future is hopeless and non-existent. I’ve thought that but in the 14 years since I tried to kill myself I’ve realised how much I would have lost if I hadn’t had that life saving moment of clarity. Not dying from suicide is my proudest failure in life.

You can never know for definite that hope is lost. You can only try as best you can to make it through the next day, next week, month, year and so on. I’ve had 14 years that I would have thrown away. Fourteen wonderful years, and who knows how many more to come. I have a partner who supports me through the ups and downs, I’ve travelled half way around the world several times, I now have a home, a wife and I’ve just appeared as an actor in the nation’s favourite soap. It was my involvement with Corrie that led me back to CALM as they are the charity Coronation Street currently supports.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be this: Please… never give up, never say die, never surrender…keep fighting, keep asking for support when you need it and remember that whatever you think…hope is never lost, I’m proof of that…it’s just hidden and tucked away sometimes, but you’ll find it again when the time is right and when you’re finally open to it once more.

I’m so glad I failed.

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reclaim th reclaim th A paean to procrastination, from a man who like to laze.

Words: Shane O’Brien

Laziness [Noun]

A word that radiates negative energy. From a young age, we’re taught that laziness is bad, something that can hold us back in life and make everything complicated by trying to simplify too much. It’s not crazy to diss on lazy, right?

When we think of lazy people, we think of sloth-like inactivity and a bad ‘I don’t wanna’ attitude to boot. We build an impression from the word and all acts – or non-acts – associated with it.

Society loves nothing more than a common enemy, and the fight against laziness is one of these campaigns, and though there has never been any strict ‘Combat Lazy’ movements, it’s not hard to see that the negative connotations of being lazy or being associated with lazy people.

But for some of us, it’s not really a choice of whether we want to be lazy, it’s really just a matter of “we can only function this way, so how do we go about it in the most efficient way”. For my part, I’ve been lazy my entire life.

I’ve always been creative in a sense, from writing novels to starting a gaming journalism platform with a buddy.

Having high aspirations and a head buzzing with ideas is something I love, but I’ve also always been extremely low energy and “leave it till later” in my approach to everyday.

That doesn’t mean I don’t function – in fact, it means I function to the best of my ability. When faced with a complex problem, I take a step back and look for the corners I can cut without jeopardising the integrity of the work, and once I find it, my brain goes into overdrive and I’m away. I’ve come to love and accept the way I function. The way I see it, if you are able to look at where your time is spent and be happy with it, alongside producing more than what’s expected, you’re winning.

So, I refuse to take laziness and brand it a negative part of the psyche. Sure, it can sometimes be a drag shying away from balls-to-the-wall madness and working with hellhound ferocity, but analysing and procrastinating are the way my brain does its business.

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he sheets he sheets Still, one problem is that feeling or being lazy goes hand in hand with boredom and sadly, if you’re a lazy person, you’re likely to be susceptible to boredom. But have faith!

Boredom can also drive people to look for // new lessons and experiences, and those I’M NOT feelings of time running away can lead to CONDEMNING something quite beautiful. It turns out that BUSY PEOPLE IN in our attempts to take back our worth in GENERAL – times of struggle, we are more likely to un- JUST THE ONES dertake acts of humanity or basic kindness THAT WON’T in order to feel like we have our place in the SHUT UP bigger plan, and once again have meaning.

ABOUT IT. University of Limerick’s Wijnand Van Tilburg, co-author of the paper “Bored George Helps Others”, made the observation in 2011 that “Bored people feel that their actions are meaningless and so therefore feel motivated to take part in meaningful behaviour”. He added that “If prosocial behaviour fulfils this requirement, boredom promotes prosocial behaviour”.

According to Van Tilburg, one of the benefits of laziness and boredom is to drive us to the edge of insanity, only to feel the need to click back into the scheme of things, which is achieved through acts of humanity: “Boredom makes people long for different and purposeful activities, and as a result they turn towards more challenging and meaningful activities, turning towards what they really perceive as meaningful in life.”

I’m probably not alone in this, but today’s world is far too full of ‘busy’ for me. Everybody is busy. Constantly. We’re all more stressed now than we’ve ever been, we have more demands on our time than ever before, and as if we needed any more negativity, we are made to feel bad for taking time to ourselves and simply kicking back. If there is one thing that drives me insane, it’s the huge numbers of

//

people that take pride in how stressed and busy they are.

I’m not condemning busy people in general – just the ones that won’t shut up about it.

Point being, the brain needs idleness just as it needs nutrients, and history is filled with people who had moments of greatness when simply pondering and dreaming – Archimedes’ ‘Eureka’ moment in the tub and Newton’s discovery of gravity while sitting under a tree to name but two. It’s important to keep a good work ethic, but it’s also important to know who you really are and how you work best. Some busy people love being busy and some lazy people do absolutely nothing – in the end both types of people are likely to be filled with regret, so it seems wise to find balance within yourself and run with what feels true.

Tim Kreider, author of the a cynically hilarious book We Learn Nothing, has an interesting attitude to laziness: he sees it as something we should all use, and that it is people’s strange fetish for having no time and being all booked up that stands in the way of discovering the benefits of a more relaxed lifestyle.

“Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice, it’s as important to the brain as vitamin D… when deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets,” he writes. Which is scarily true: health suffers greatly from the overworked, fast-paced lifestyle so many of us live. If we could spend more time doing what we love with the people we love, we could change the filter the world is seen through by so many. Because surely, having no time is a waste of time.

Why do I love my laziness? I’d be inclined to ask you why you don’t love yours.

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CALMzine’s sartorially elegant scribe finds himself unsuitably attired and at a loose end in the heart of Taiwan’s capital city.

“A 21-hour layover in Taipei?!” I cried.

“That’s an awfully long time to spend in a departure lounge.” Missus Mumbles fixed me with a disapproving stare.

“I can’t believe you’d rather wait in the airport than go out and explore the city.” she snorted with derision, “Who ARE you?”

And so I came to find myself aboard a midnight bus bound for Taipei. Outside the coach window, thick greasy rain poured down relentlessly. I looked down at my cotton t-shirt and fake Havaiana flip flops and shook my head ruefully, wishing I’d brought my luggage with me instead of leaving it back at the airport If nothing else, this was going to be an interesting new experience in getting exceedingly wet.

On the bright side, at least I had money - rather too much of it in fact. I’d only meant to withdraw 3000NTD (New Taiwanese Dollars) from the airport ATM (Automatic Teller Machine), but owing to the software’s creative interpretation of English and a fair bit of befuddlement on my part, I’d somehow ended up taking out a whooping great 30,000NTD by mistake - an amount around the £350 mark. As dark jungles and faceless factories slid by through the deluge, I found myself imagining the extravagant umbrella I would be able to buy come the morning.

Soon the morning did indeed come.

The night had ended with a soggy but successful search for the capsule hostel Missus Mumbles had arranged for me and a broken night’s sleep punctuated by the assorted farts, groans and snores of my fellow dorm dwellers. Before checking out, I took a quick shower - an exercise that served as a starter for the main course-sized soaking that lay in wait for me when I stepped into the street. It was still absolutely bucketing down.

Slipping and squelching along the slick tile pavements in my flip-flops, I must have looked quite a sight. I took to smiling pleasantly and nodding at those who stared in disbelief as I waddled by, though beneath my sodden but amicable exterior was a steely determination not to go completely arse-over-tit with every treacherous step I took.

Procuring an umbrella a few blocks later instantly improved my situation, and I decided to celebrate by drinking a very large coffee. Spring now firmly restored to my sopping step, I began to squelch forth with a renewed sense of purpose. Deep in the heart of Section 2, I came across a street fair. Beyond the heady smell of entrails being boiled and blanched were all kinds of games one could try their hand at, many of which offered quite unbelievable prizes - including a hook-a-duck where lucky winners walked away with a real-life baby turtle: yours to keep or cook as you please.

The stench of frying organs made my mouth water and so off I trotted in search of a restaurant to slake my appetite for odd gastronomic treats.

And they don’t come much odder than those to be found at The Modern Toilet - an unbelievable eatery where the food literally looks like crap. I plumped for a diarrhoea-esque curry served in a small pink toilet. This was washed down with a pint-sized urinal full of Coca Cola. In between slurps of a chocolate ice cream dessert that resembled a turd, I chuckled at the irony of it all: a little later on my lunch would come out the other end looking pretty much the same way as it had gone in. As they say, sometimes shart really does imitate life.

shady-looking establishments that have two barber’s poles spinning outside.

I came across KTV Karaoke after hearing otherworldly noises throb and echo down the street. It sounded like a sperm whale being tampered with by Uncle Percy. Following my ears, I sought out the source - a sparsely decorated beige room with families sat at tables watching blank-faced as a middle-aged chap in a suit warbled into a microphone turned up to a stomach-churning volume. It was weird and indescribably unsettling.

I hurried on through the rain, and that’s when I experienced the double barber’s pole effect.

A pair of doors between two colourful spinning poles slid open and a scantilyclad lady of mature years scampered out to accost me. “Sit down please!” she barked, motioning to a grubby-looking leather couch inside. It looked more like a knocking shop than a barbershop. “No thank you, I don’t need a haircut today.”

I replied jauntily, even though I did rather need a haircut, actually. She looked a little dismayed and no wonder - a quick bit of googling later and I discovered the two barber’s poles do indeed signify mucky business designed to help tourists blow their load in more ways than one. Thank goodness she didn’t know about the size of the wad tucked away my trousers, that’s all I can say!

There is so much more I could tell you about - from visiting the Peace Park and meeting a dog called Cookie that had been shaved to resemble a lion, to burning my thumb on an incense stick during a prayer session at a Buddhist temple - my rainy day in Taipei was an in between-flight delight that left me with as many good memories in my heart as it did blisters on my feet. Made in Taiwan?

Why, after wet footing through puddles in those accursed flip-flops all day, my big toes looked as though they’d been FLAYED in Taiwan. Boom boom!

Back out in the rain, my brain boggled at the sheer variety of stuff you can buy for peanuts in Taipei: pots, pans, electric fans. Knick-knacks, backpacks, suitcases, shoelaces. Busts of Buddah.

Busts of Mao. Donut burgers, pork lollies and all kinds of other chow. I Mister Mumbles could go on. I haven’t even told you See Mister Mumbles’ eccentric exploits as they about KTV karaoke bars yet, or the happen by following @mumbellini on Instagram.

MISTER MUMBLES A rainy day in Taipei

CALM Towers has been buzzing with excitement about the recent news that rapper, singer and all round top bloke, Professor Green, has agreed to become our new Patron, taking over the mantle from comedian and broadcaster, David Baddiel. We thought it only fair that we gave over some column inches in this ‘ere rag to talk about why he got involved and what he’s got planned…

First up, want to say a HUGE thank you - we’re really excited to have you on board. So what does being Patron of CALM mean to you?

Professor Green: A load more work! Ha. In all seriousness it’s an honour - I’ve always been very careful about which charities I’ve put my name next to but due to my personal experiences with depression, anxiety and my encounters with suicide, I can’t think of a better charity to champion - not least of all because of the lack of support these issues receive.

And what do you hope to achieve in this new role?

PG: Ideally to raise awareness, to help show men admitting to not being okay - learning to accept times of vulnerability and to realise there’s a greater strength in that than there

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CALM INTERVIEW:

PROFESSOR

GREEN WORDS: RACHEL CLARE

is ‘manning up’ and pretending everything is okay, to remove this need to be the archetypal man.

At CALM, we feel that it’s high time we got rid of the archaic and harmful idea that men shouldn’t ask for help, but should be strong and silent at all times. What do you think about the pressures on men in society today?

PG: As a woman’s role in society has become more defined and we come closer to equality I feel that a man’s has perhaps become less so. I think there’s still some confusion around what it is to be a man. There’s a great difference between being strong and being ‘hard’, as men we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to look after everyone else - normally everyone but ourselves - as we have a sense of needing to be the provider, which often leads to us ignoring our own emotional needs. Emma Watson in her He for She speech said ‘we don’t realise how much pressure we put on men to conform to some kind of masculinity’. I agree, but I also think men don’t realise how much pressure they out on themselves.

You’ve spoken publicly a number of times about losing your dad to suicide, which is a very difficult

thing to do. What was the initial catalyst for you to talk about it this openly?

// PG: Initially it was as simple as being asked a question and THERE’S A responding with an honest GREAT DIFFERanswer. When I later saw the ENCE BEresponse to this honesty I TWEEN BEING realised there was much more STRONG AND I could be doing with my voice.

BEING ‘HARD’, I’ve learnt in most interviews AS MEN WE to answer honestly but to PUT A LOT OF disconnect emotionally which perhaps isn’t that conducive PRESSURE ON to my healing - I have my OURSELVES TO own issues and when these LOOK AFTER emotions are brought to the EVERYONE surface they still hurt - but I do ELSE a lot of interviews and I don’t // want to be in pain every day. It has helped with me realising the necessity of talking to someone professionally about my problems.

As a talented lyricist, do you find catharsis in words? Have you always turned to music to express yourself?

PG: I find it a lot easier to make sense of things once outside of my head - my head can become

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photo credit: BBC

a very cluttered place. To be afforded this form of expression has helped me to no end, I would encourage anyone to write things down in any form - be it simply documenting feelings or happenings or in song form or poetry. The important thing here is getting what’s inside out.

You have over two million followers on Twitter.

How do you feel about having that level of influence/responsibility?

PG: I have those followers as an artist - not as Stephen Manderson. I will still express my humour, as I always have, nothing can restrict my expression. I’m sure there’ll be a few mistakes on the way but I’m not a preacher - my role has always been very defined and that won’t be changing.

PG: Nope, I love sad songs, especially when I’m down.

What advice would you give your 16 year old self?

PG: None, I wouldn’t wanna effect everyone else’s future. I’ve seen enough films to know how delicate time travel can be…

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

PG: A true friend will never be of hindrance.

Do you have a mantra for living life?

Does fame agree with you?

PG: Don’t be shit.

PG: Depends on the question I ask it, although generally it tends to disagree just to ruffle my feathers.

So what’s next on the agenda for Professor Green?

You’ve had your fair share of struggles in your life. What advice would you give a guy who was going through a tough time?

PG: I don’t think I’m the person for that job the only thing I could really do is not challenge how someone felt and tell them not to either - to accept how they feel but to make sure they give things the time to change.

16

Do you have one track that’s guaranteed to make a shit day better?

PG: I’m currently filming a documentary for BBC3 investigating both my father’s suicide and male suicide as a whole. Alongside that I’m writing my autobiography, trying to fit in being a husband and not to mention trying to write some music.

Professor Green is playing across the UK this summer/autumn.

Check out his website for details: professorgreen.co.uk @professorgreen facebook.com/ProfessorGreen

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

Silvina De Vita is a Graphic Designer and Illustrator.

Having lived all her life in Buenos Aires, she packed a suitcase and moved to London 5 years ago to start over.

She loves painting and has recently started making paper cut illustrations which feature stories of people she encounters.

She loves a good laugh, chocolate, Miyasake films, perfume, odd people and receiving correspondence that is not from a bank.

She has been designing CALMzine for the past 3 years and has a Masters in History of Art from Birkbeck University. silvinadevita.com sdvgraphicdesign.co.uk @silvina_dv facebook.com/silvinadevita

The Kiss Papercut, 23x50cm. thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

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Voices in my head Papercut, 21x29.7cm.

Eternal Sunshine Papercut, 30x50cm. // I’m from Macondo Papercut, 30x30cm.

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La Coca Acrylic on canvas, 70x100cm. // Christopher Acrylic on canvas, 50x30cm. // Iggy Acrylic on canvas, 30x30cm.

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19

On the Frontline Festival season is here and it’s time for some lukewarm cider and ambiguous meat! Oh, and a bit of music.

Mustn’t forget the music. In fact, to show you what’s on Topman’s playlist, we’ve interviewed and dressed the frontmen of three bands we’re expecting big things of this year.

Fred Macpherson Spector

What’s been your greatest tour moment?

“There was a show in San Francisco, where a friend of a friend had a gun license and had a handgun on him at the venue.

Afterwards when we were drinking backstage, my other friend asked him if he could hold the gun.

He said yes, showed it to him, pulled it out his hand and pulled the gun on our drummer and said, ‘Get on the fucking floor!’

The guy with the license then grabbed him and pulled his arm behind his back…which makes a change from an after party in Hull with a DJ and a bottle of prosecco.”

A fan famously has a tattoo of your face on his neck - who would you get tattooed?

“I think it would be out of respect to someone great who died. I always wanted to get John Candy tattooed when he died.

But now maybe Robin Williams. I think getting a tattoo of someone’s face that is living is odd, especially on your neck. The guy who has my face tattooed on his neck also has a tattoo of

“The guy who has my face tattooed on his neck also has Alex Turner on the other side”

Alex Turner on the other side.”

Head to TOPMAN stores nationwide to get your festival style fix in time for the summer

Kieran Shudall Circa Waves

Where’s been your favourite place whilst on tour?

“Japan, because it’s so wildly different to England.

We got to play Summer Sonic festival to 10,000 people and everyone knew the words. They have these tiny bars in Japan that fit about 3 or 4 people in, like someone’s living room.

We went in one and asked if we’d do karaoke and ended up getting smashed. We found Circa Waves on there so I made the rest of the band sing and graded them.”

What are your plans for the summer?

“I can’t wait for festivals. We’ll be playing Leeds.

I had a lot of firsts in Leeds, now we’re playing those tents where pissed 17 year old me went.”

Tom Burke

Citizens!

Who’s your favourite frontman?

“I love Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury, if you’re going to be a frontman that’s what you have to do.

Not look at the floor…I hate Liam Gallagher.”

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve asked for on your tour rider?

“We’ve asked for fried chicken, but that’s not really extravagant. The other thing we asked for was a birthday cake with 16 candles in it, and we got it once somewhere in Eastern Europe; a festival on a military airbase.”

Sitting on the steps of London’s Albert Memorial in the warm May sunshine, and in the shadow of the iconic Royal Albert Hall, it seems fitting that we find ourselves talking to Juke Jaxon whose music draws great influence from past legends who played at this very venue. Guitarist Ben Hawthorne speaks with great passion about his musical heroes “I take inspiration from so many things, but I have to say top of the game has to be Stevie Wonder…he’s just so good.

His hooks, his time signatures, he’s so creative.

The guy’s a genius. I don’t think he’s written one bad song. He’s amazing.”

Singer Jack Moore met Ben last year at an audition for what he describes as “an old school Rat Pack type thing”. Ben invited Jack to his studio in a shed, or “shedio” as he likes to call it, to work on a few songs and within a couple of weeks they had already laid down their first release, ‘Paper Town’. Within two weeks of sharing it on Twitter and SoundCloud, Juke Jaxon had garnered record label interest and now they find themselves working in a real studio with real producers in the midst of putting together four or five songs for a label show case, “Our sound is a little too polished, so we want to raw it up a bit, take it back to it’s roots. They’re adding song writing and production skills to it, so it’s an all-round

thing. Essentially we do it all anyway, but [the producers] are making it sound a little more presentable,” explains Jack.

Having picked up a copy of CALMzine in Topman and loving everything it stood for, Jack and Ben felt that ‘Paper Town’ was a song that many readers would be able to relate to, as it talks about the idea of escapism. Music itself is, for many, a form of escapism. Some people dream of escaping to another place or time, so we asked what moment in musical history they would like to have lived through. For Jack it would be the late 60s/early 70s: “It seems like it was a bit more carefree in the 60s…We live in a society nowadays (and I’m one of the world’s worst for that) where we care too much about what we look like. That’s the whole social media thing.” Ben toyed with two different times: “New York in the 1920’s when jazz, swing and cabaret were at their peak. Second to that just the era of Bob Marley, and seeing him live, I think that would be insane.”

Today’s music industry is very different to that of Juke Jaxon’s musical idols, but has their experience with record labels been all they expected? “It has, but only because I’ve done projects before where I’ve kept plugging away. I feel like I’ve gone through every genre of music

22 thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

CALM MEETS:

Words & photos: Heather Fitsell

personally, to come back around to what we are doing now and it feels right,” says Jack. Ben has been more taken aback by the reaction to ‘Paper Town’, “It wasn’t what I expected…There are no rules to it, so you don’t really know what to expect. We shared a track on Twitter and within two weeks we had record labels contacting us, but all we had was a song on SoundCloud. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t realise that ever happened. I thought they only paid attention to the bigger acts.”

Although Juke Jaxon comprises just the two of them, their live show involves a 10 piece band, no less, so why have they chosen this elaborate set up rather that going out as a duo? Jack tells us, “I think we did that to get the initial interest because we felt that we have a fresh sound live.”

Ben agrees, “When it comes to the live shows, we wanted to make an impression, so we didn’t want to go at it as a duo because the songs wouldn’t come out how we wanted them to.”

So has playing with all these other musicians made them want to learn loads of other instruments? “Keys, definitely keys,” says Ben “but I’d like to sing really well too. My girlfriend did say she’d fancy me more if I sat down and sang a song to her well.” Jack, on the other hand, has been inspired by the brass section,

“It’s got to be horns. A trumpet or sax, you can’t beat a good bit of sax.”

Listening to ‘Paper Town’ you’re greeted with an uplifting melody but with lyrics that are deceptively deep - an approach they plan to take with lot of their material. “The main thing we want to do is create happy songs with meaning”, Ben explains.

// THE MAIN THING WE WANT TO DO IS CREATE HAPPY SONGS WITH MEANING. //

The battles that we face in life are different for different people and where similar, their significance may differ completely from that of the next person. Ben and Jack’s lyrics highlight common experiences that have had a notable impact on their lives, from the loss of a grandparent who inspired their love of music, to leaving home for the first time and having to find your own way in the world. Jack and Ben have now embarked on a new journey together as Juke Jaxon and are likely to face different battles in the future as they work towards the dream of one day playing at the ultimate venue, the Royal Albert Hall , but as Ben comments, “This path is laid out now and we’re just going with it.” jukejaxon.com @jukejaxon facebook.com/jukejaxon

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AMBASSADOR’S

RECEPTION:

swing At CALM we have a merry band of men and women who are proud to call themselves Ambassadors for the Campaign Against Living Miserably, and here’s a chance for you to get to know them better. Reveal yourself… SWING TING Tell us a bit about yourself and what you’ve been up to…

We’re Platt and Samrai from Swing Ting - a club night, production outfit and now a record label based in Manchester. We’re soundsystem-based with a heavy emphasis on good vibes and a nice party.

So why CALM? Platt: I’ve struggled with problems with my mental health in the past and I realise how important, yet difficult, it can be to speak out and reach for help.

I was lucky in that I had a great support system and wonderful doctors who helped me through things, but I know many others feel like they have to suffer in silence. It’s a great cause, and an area that deserves a lot more attention.

Samrai: There’s a taboo around suicide, it needs to be addressed and discussed more often. We can all feel everyday pressures and a lot of people live with mental health issues on a day-to-day in silence. I really admire the ethos of CALM and as you link so closely with music it felt right to come on board.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

P: Sometimes all it takes is one positive task, a simple achievement to break out of a downwards

TING

spiral. If I ever find myself going over and over something in my head, I can focus on a job that moves me in a forward direction, even if it’s something as simple as writing an email that I’ve been putting off, or doing laundry and it puts my head in a different, positive space.

S: My uncle (who passed away 7 years ago), advised me to keep on producing, playing and writing music at a time when adults around me were focusing solely on academic progress.

That’s stayed with me and since his passing has remained a key motivator and calming factor whenever I’m feeling jaded or stressed by other things around me.

What is your one ‘lifesaver’ track guaranteed to make you feel better when things get tough?

P: Kristine Blond - Love Shy (Tuff Jam Classic Vocal Remix) S: Roy Davis Jr ft. Peven Everett - Gabriel (Live Garage Version). This one’s definitely healed my soul on a few occasions!

What is your one rule for living life?

P: Everything comes in cycles: feelings, luck, productivity. I think accepting and embracing that has helped me a lot.

S: You only have one so try to enjoy it fully, cut out the negativity and focus on the positive things that make your life worth living. swingting.com // @SwingTing facebook.com/SwingTing

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#MANDICTIONARY BEER MATS

Coming to a pub near you soon…

thecalmzone.net/mandictionary

WIN A £150 TOPMAN GIFT CARD

NEW SEASON, NEW YOU! The generous folks at Topman have a £150 gift card to give away to one lucky reader, and that reader could be YOU! Yes, you there.

The one in dire need of a new wardrobe!

Simply answer this question to be in with a chance of winning (the answer is somewhere in this mag):

Who are Tom Burke from Citizens! two favourite front men?

A: Barry Manilow & Englebert Humperdinck B: Michael Jackson & Freddie Mercury C: The Chuckle Brothers To enter, email your answer to editor@thecalmzone.net using subject: CALM COMP ISSUE 18. Closing date: 31st Aug 2015 Winners will be notified by email after the closing date.

We can only accept entries from within the UK, sorry!

I RUN... by Alex Van Oostrum

I run...

but never away from you

away from the dark places

when life has me in a corner with it’s hands round my neck

when those thoughts start to choke me and I need to breathe

but never away from you

so my mind isn’t a jigsaw of voices that don’t fit together anymore to find a flame when the candle is burnt out away from the fear toward the light at the end of the tunnel

because sometimes you don’t understand me because sometimes I can’t understand you so I don’t fall through those cracks so I can make sense of your actions and mine to find the words to say what I want to say but never away from you into myself into the depths of myself to hear silence because they don’t listen and I can’t listen to them any longer to make peace away from the fighting away from the flood

to forget the sadness to forget the solitude

but never away from you

with my heart poured onto one sleeve tears drenching the other

until the clouds have lifted until the storm has passed

to colour the world in again

and when I return we’ll smile because you’d have run with me

to remember who I am what I have been given and what I have to give

NEXT ISSUE OUT

SEPT ‘15

Everyman by Chris Sav

CALMZINE needs you!

l Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website. l What’s your obsession, your passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview? l We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work

Get in touch: editor@thecalmzone.net

early

WARNING signs

A guy’s guide to spotting the black dog before it bites Words: Shane O’Brien

Depression doesn’t ask before it walks into your life, it will not ask permission before it deprives you of sleep. In fact, it won’t ask anything: depression will simply do anything it wants and a big part of the fight is spotting the signs early. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I’d just assumed these things were part of going through a ‘rough patch’. I didn’t really think that something darker and more sinister was at the root of the problems I’d been having. Depression isn’t shameful and absolutely nobody should feel bad for having it, but running away and hiding everything from everyone will only guarantee your depression getting gradually worse. Diagnosis IS scary – a confirmation that things are going to suck – but it’s the start of the journey in which things get better, and knowing the signs is essential to taking control and taking action.

This list is based on my personal experiences and might not be representative of anything other than my observations, but it does offer a couple of ways to spot the gloom approaching.

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Watch out for: Irritability

“That dog next door is so annoying that IT’S GONNA RUIN MY DAMN WEEK IF IT DOESN’T SHUT UP. I CAN’T EVEN THINK WITH IT BARKING, ONLY OCCASIONALLY!!’ While that is a rather extreme example, it’s the kind of thing that was getting to me on a regular basis - things that started out small but with time, snowballed.

Every emotion I felt ended with anger, frustration, sadness and wanting to be left alone; everything people said sounded stupid, and everything that happened was annoying. Marking this one off as simply being a little bit upset and frustrated is too easy. You’re not going to want to admit to anything that points towards depression, but facing the truth is the hardest part of this whole thing.

Hopelessness

w

It’s a kind of sadness I can only describe as bleak on the very best of days. With ‘normal’ sadness, you can feel sorry for yourself but understand that the future holds better days, but with depression it feels like the hopelessness will last forever and there is no way to smile anymore. That’s definitely not the case but is one of the many dastardly tricks the depressed mind will play on you. This was the very first symptom I experienced and I dealt with it and moved on, leading to it becoming an insidious problem; I grossly underestimated exactly what this was. As with all of these signs, you’ve got to do the maths and put together the pieces to see what lies beyond them. Telling yourself ‘maybe I’m just down’ is fine if you feel that way for a couple of days, but if the feeling hasn’t gone after a few weeks, you are really denying yourself the level of seriousness the situation demands. Get yourself checked out instead of suffering while things get worse.

Erratic eating

Personally I don’t know what it is about feeling down that killed my appetite. For some people, being depressed can lead to overeating and weight gain, and as with sleep I felt both extremes, not eating for a day or two and then destroying multiple meals in one sitting. So, one way I’d describe the symptoms of depression is to imagine the stuff you’d normally do, and then give yourself way too much of it, and then none. Breaking the habits that depression throw us into is really freakin’ hard, but this is one that I actually got around and did so by eating very small amounts regularly. It might not work for everyone and I’d suggest trying different approaches, but this one can get quite serious very quickly. If you notice erratic eating habits, think about what it really is.

w

Disturbed Sleep

Sleeping too much and too little is a contradiction, right? In the worst of it, I would go two or three days with no sleep whatsoever and then binge-sleep, capping a nice 17 to 21 hours in a day – hence sleeping both too little and too much. The killer with sleep problems is that sleep is essential to function, and without it we get sloppy, agitated and all the rest, but it also makes every other symptom that little bit more unbearable.

w The above signs are the symptoms I have personally experienced most often - everyone is different and there are many other ways depression can manifest itself. however, if you’ve gone through the same, it is important to act fast because these problems rub off on each other in the worst way: the lack of sleep makes you irritable, the irritation makes you hopeless, and the hopelessness can lead to overeating or not eating at all.

The easiest way for depression to win is for you to not want it to lose. Times can get rough for all of us and life can get really heavy, but in the end we’ve only got one shot at this life, so we should work towards make it as desirable as we can, and it will get better. thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

31

THE RANT

By Chris Owen

Despite being a Liverpool fan during recent seasons, I’ve always enjoyed watching the results coming in on a Saturday afternoon. During the Giggle Water Years, my old housemate Morley and I would mosey on down to The Salutation in Hammersmith, settle in for the midday game, watch the mighty Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday as he announced the scores from around the grounds. We’d then remain (sometimes one-eyed by this point) for the 5.30 kick off before wombling home for a curry. These days I might be sober, but up until recently I’ve still enjoyed catching the results through the day… … until I signed up for Fantasy bloody Football and instead have had every weekend ruined because I decided to choose David Silva as captain over Kane, then the latter scores a hat-trick, while the former plays 60 minutes before getting booked and taken off, getting me a mighty nil points. Every week I stare at my line-up thinking “Giroud, at home to a floundering Swansea defence... that’s my captain picked” before Arsenal lose one-nil to a late Bafatemi Gomis strike, and my Rylan-look-a-like captain brings me home a whopping four points. Doesn’t matter… it’s not as if the two people nipping at my heels in one league (which, I’ll add, I’d topped since Christmas) haven’t only gone and picked Aguero as their captain as he bangs in a hat-trick, two assists and brings in 50 points alone. WHY, GOD, WHY. FUCKING Fantasy Football. It’s done this every week – I can’t enjoy the scores because instead of feeling smug about United losing at home, I’m annoyed that the wrong midfielder scored against them or that Chris Smalling has failed, yet again, to get a clean sheet, (to be fair, I can’t really complain about this, I’ve dug my own grave there). It’s also ruined Liverpool for me even more. Instead of sticking in Sterling, hoping the wunderkind will actually turn up and play as his talents promise, he pisses around the wings, hoofing the ball into touch and getting me deux points yet again. AGAIN. But I’m too worried of dropping him in case I do it the one week he comes back to form. And don’t even get me STARTED on Balotelli.

So here you have it – my pledge that this is my last year of Fantasy Football.

Hopefully it’ll make next year’s Premiership more enjoyable… or it will make me annoyed at what could have been. Still, could be worse – I could be a Liverpool suppo… oh.

32

Do you have something you want to rant about?

Send 300 words to editor@thecalmzone.net thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

A huge shout out to Maggie Day, and family & friends for an amazing ten year James Walsh memorial event, without who’s support CALM would not exist.

Thank you.

To the 60 CALM runners in the Great Manchester Run who raised over £10k, we salute you. Thank you.

Huge thanks to Matt Hilton, Lisa Spencer, Alan Newton & the Coronation Street cast & crew who came together to support CALM in memory of their colleague & friend Mike Curtis. Your hard work & energy has helped CALM answer more calls & save more lives.

Liam Manton & Jack Marsden. Manchester, Superstars, the both of you.

Topman, you guys have enabled us to realise the dream of spreading the magazine out across the UK. We cannot stress how epic your support is to us.

Thank you.

ATENCIÓN! An to our first record breaking CALM supporter, Mark Berry, who not only smashed the 630mile SWCP run record, but raised over £8k and counting for us. You are an inspiration, Mark, thank you.

A massive shout out to all our incredible fundraisers, runners, cyclists, swimmers, canoeists, walkers, climbers, musicians, artists and photographers for all your amazing support. You smash CALM’s fundraising record month after month, enabling us to reach more men & help raise awareness of male suicide.

Thank you.

Joe Bruce, you never fail to astonish us with your creativity, energy and commitment to CALM. We couldn’t do this without you.

Huge thanks to all our amazing volunteers who’ve been representing CALM across the country, cheering runners, talking to the public and spreading CALM’s message. Your work is vital to us.

A big cheers to Tom Robinson who chose to support CALM with his first release in almost 20 years.

We are honoured to be working with you.

Special mention to Daniel Donaghy, who has been doing an amazing job running, cheering and representing CALM all over the country.

High fives to our office volunteer crew, who help us get the job done every single day & make CALM Towers such a great place to be: Andy, Annie, Ben, Carla, Sam, you’re the best!

Chris Miller, your drive and compassion in raising awareness of CALM are second to none. We are lucky to have you.

Thanks to Rob Powell & team at Weil for coming on board & offering to lend a legal hand. We look forward to working with you.

Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice…

Q: I’ve been watching loads of daytime telly recently (#unemployed), and I felt compelled to go on crazy DIY benders to cure my boredom. I’m now addicted and can’t stop knocking walls down and building things out of MDF. How do I wean myself off my Black & Decker?

Simon, Dalston A: Well, you clearly have money, or at least I think you do if you can afford Black & Decker, so why don’t you invest in Lego? Then you can build colourful walls, smash them down, build ‘em up, smash ‘em down, then build a unicorn, or a house, or a house for unicorns. Challenge thy creativity.

Q: My mates and I want to go to festivals this summer, mainly the ones that involve tons of booze and recreational drugs. I’m not a big drinker and quite frankly have no interest in ketamine either. What can I do to have as good a time as them without spending all my cash on drink and drugs?

Barney, New Cross A: I like festies but I don’t drink/drug take, LOL, so I feel you. First thing: accept you will end up as the ‘designated driver’, the holder of phones and other loseables, the ‘sensible one,’ but that doesn’t mean you have to be nice about it. You’re going to be the only one who remembers the music so you can always lie about how good it was. You can also take pictures of your friends at their worst and post online. And top of the list: leave them, taking all their phones with you, and find better friends.

I have been in relationships since I was 15. I’m 24 now and have been single for 10 months. I am really enjoying being on my own, however my mum and aunties are on my case to find a missus ASAP. They’re suggesting girls left, right and centre. What should I say to not give in to the pressure?

Olushola, Kensal Rise A: Invent a girlfriend. Claim homosexuality. Insist any person recommended to you must take you out and pay for the date. Sit them down and tell them you just aren’t into meeting any one right now, because you’re an adult, and you will not take another bath until they stop. Join a monastery. Throw down a picture of Rihanna and declare: ‘I wants that one. I will have her and no one else’.

Q: My girlfriend says I talk in my sleep and it’s really quite poetic. When I’m awake I can’t write a poem for love nor money. Do you think I could make a career as ‘the sleep talking wordsmith’?

Jase, Lewisham A: *thins reddened eyes* *speaks through gritted teeth* Of Course You Can, Jase. Anything Is Possible If You Try.

Do you have a question for JOSH? Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net NOTE: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker.

However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.com

If you need professional advice, call the London CALM helpline on 0808 802 5858. or our national helpline on: 0800 585858

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SAT 19TH SEPTEMBER 2015 RIDE THE STUNNING TEST VALLEY WITH TRANQUIL ROADS, SOME CLASSIC CLIMBS AND SWEEPING DESCENTS.

3 ROUTES FOR ALL ABILITIES: THE FULL MONTY 100 MILE, SPAG BOL 50 MILE & CHICKEN CURRY 25 MILE IN AID OF

“One of the best sportives I’ve ever ridden.

From the festival vibe on the field at 7am, to the genuinely welcoming atmosphere at the finish, I really couldn’t fault it.”

David Else, Cycling Weekly journalist.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF NELSON PRATT

FOR FULL DETAILS VISIT WWW.NELSONSTOURDETESTVALLEY.CO.UK

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