CALMzine 26: TALKING BALLS

CHARITY REG. NO. 1110621 & SCOT SC044347

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TESTICLES, TACKLING TABOOS & REINVENTING THE SELF(IE) Mary-Anne Hobbs | Danny Sculthorpe & Luke Ambler | Dear Josh

Illustration: LucĂ­a Reynoso

A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR After watching pro-rugby player Danny Sculthorpe speak about feeling suicidal, a friend said ‘it takes balls to do that’.

This got us thinking about what it means to have balls in 2017. Does it take balls to be vulnerable? Do you need to have testicles to have balls? (p28) And why do many men find it easier to talk about ball games than almost anything else?

We need to talk balls.

Of all the ball games, rugby league is leading the way in supporting the emotional wellbeing of players. To understand why, we spoke to ex-pros and campaigners Danny Sculthorpe and Luke Ambler [p10]. Their enlightened conversation lead us to thinking that– bar a few trailblazers like Rio Ferdinand and recently Steven Caulker – football didn’t have quite the same level of discussion and support. Why hasn’t the culture responded to challenges in the same way? Clapton FC [p4] and West Ham fans [p6] give us some insight, while top writer Jonny Sharples [p24] shows the big boys how it’s done, using the Football Manager online community to raise awareness around male suicide in a very creative way.

As festival season fires up we caught up with some top DJs, bands and musicians who gave us the low-down on who to check out as well as their biggest festival balls-ups [p18.]

And we have some amazing photographic explorations of modern manhood, including a

beautiful series from The CALM Photography Movement exhibition.

If there’s an overriding message from the men who share their stories in these pages, it’s this: it’s ok to balls things up sometimes, everyone does, and it takes big balls to own it and get help.

Enjoy and take care!

EDITOR: Paul Shiels DESIGN: Silvina De Vita EDITOR AT LARGE: Neil Wood COVER ART: Allan Deas POSTMAN PATRICIA: Bríd McKeown Contributors: Rachel Stephenson, Ollie Oulds, Jonny Sharples, Tom Victor, Ben Bowers, Casey Moore, Luke Ambler, Danny Sculthorpe, Jonathan Zago, James Boast, Allan Deas, Lucía Reynoso, David Howe, Richard Staplehurst, Joshua Idehen, Leona Beth.

Special thanks to: Topman, Heads Together, Symbian Print.

CALMzine is printed on paper from sustainably managed sources. Printed by Symbian Print Intelligence, paper from Gould International UK. Want to advertise with us?

Email editor@thecalmzone.net WINNER of the Mind Media Awards 2017 for Publication

Need Help? Call CALM. London: 0808 802 58 58 - Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58 Webchat: thecalmzone.net/get-help Open 7 days a week 5pm - midnight CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Tweet us your ideas and views @CALMzine #CALMzineIdea, or send us an email at editor@thecalmzone.net. Or write to us at PO Box 68766. If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on Twitter @theCALMzone.

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FOOTBALL FOR ALL Terrace culture doesn't have to be misogynistic cosplay Ask about the oblique sexism at Premier League and EFL grounds and one answer will always emerge: it’s escapism. A place where (male) fans can get away from everything and be themselves. This is all too often code for ‘get away from the women in their life’, maybe throwing misogynistic chants the way of a woman who has deigned to buy a ticket to a football match.

Clapton’s average attendance of more than 300 last season was higher than several National League South clubs, three tiers above them. And not only do they achieve this without the by-the-numbers über-masculinity seen higher up the pyramid, they arguably do so because of this.

The crowd is much more diverse and inclusive than what some AND THOSE CHANTS? might expect from football in England, and many of those who ALWAYS INVENTIVE, turn up week after week do so OFTEN FUNNY, AND because they feel excluded by GENERALLY POSITIVE, Premier League and EFL clubs.

The rhetoric is ingrained, to the point that it goes unchallenged those who aren’t at the forefront and laughing along will often be too embarrassed or intimidated RESISTING THE URGE to speak up. But failure to TO ACT AS A VEHICLE Clapton’s history comes into it, challenge the behaviour allows it FOR CHEAP SHOTS. with Walter Tull - one of the first to continue. It’s visible from the ever black British professional Premier League down to League footballers - representing the 2, with few exceptions, but lower down the club in the early 20th century and (to a degree) pyramid we’re seeing resistance. symbolising the inclusivity of those drawn to the Old Spotted Dog. However, things have been If you head to Clapton FC’s Old Spotted Dog Ground taken to a new level this decade by the activity of on a Saturday you’ll be in for a solid 90 minutes of the Ultras, with new fans attracted to the club by singing, with hundreds of fans making more noise their antifascist sensibilities. than entire all-seater stands at higher-profile clubs.

Words by Tom Victor @tomvictor | Illustration by Leona Beth: leonabeth.co.uk The supporters have been vocal in helping avoid the things that caused fans to shun mainstream football clubs. There has been notable resistance to a growing trend of ‘day-trippers’, and as well as joining in, those in attendance are encouraged to start their own chants. And those chants? Always inventive, often funny, and generally positive, resisting the urge to act as a vehicle for cheap shots.

“Clapton was the first club I went to where I felt I had the opportunity to be treated like any other fan,” one female fan tells me. “I can just watch football and support the team and not worry about others thinking I don’t belong there.”

Other clubs might be tempted to brush off these feelings of exclusion as part and parcel of a matchday experience, Clapton fans acknowledge that “[These matters] are cause for concern and show that we need to constantly make efforts to make the space inclusive for all”.

“The Clapton Ultras have provided a space unprecedented in the world of football in England – a genuinely accessible environment where women and minority genders are welcome and encouraged to participate,” another supporter tells me.

“While we still have work to do in challenging the hegemony of the structures in place in non-league football, such as being able to appoint a manager in line with our views, we are confident that we are making strides in making Clapton a football team for all.”

I still go to Premier League and EFL games, but there remains a sense of obligation and routine to the whole process, the surrounding area filled with individuals forcing themselves to live up to the archetype of ‘one of the lads’.

But therein lies the problem – with top-level football, there seems to be a binary of no atmosphere or an aggressively sexist atmosphere, with no middleground. Clapton shows that doesn’t have to be the case. We don’t have to accept a situation where the terraces are dominated by stale banter that leaves large swathes of genuine fans feeling unwelcome.

Clapton might be leading the way, along with a minority of other (mostly non-league) clubs, now it’s time for the rest of the game to follow suit.

A SIMPLE TRIBUTE Mike Fordham documents days supporting his beloved West Ham, warts and all.

Football is more than a game. It’s a cliché to say so these days. The sentiment behind football is used to sell everything from lager, takeaway pizza, gambling, aftershave and moisturiser. You know, all those man things. I realised just how much football meant to me during the last season at Upton Park. Along with tens of thousands of other men (it IS mostly men), I realised that season that football was really all about place, friendship, family and kin. The football was where so many of us had learned to be the version of the men we had become. It was a place where maleness and blokeitude was for better or worse articulated and negotiated. It was where we took the piss. It was where we had a giggle. It was one of the few places where we were allowed, required even, to engage with our emotions. That those feelings were often recoded into hatefulness and a ragged sort of swagger doesn’t excuse the excesses. Or perhaps it does.

These pictures are a simple tribute to a place, a time, and a whole bunch of men for whom football will never be quite the same. @michaelfordham

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Illustrations By Ollie Oulds Sports don’t get more macho than Rugby League. But perhaps surprisingly, the English Rugby League community is setting an example to the rest of the sports world on how to support players’ emotional wellbeing. We brought together two retired players – the biggest hitters in grassroots campaigning – to understand more.

Ex-pro Luke is the main man behind last year’s massive #ItsOkToTalk suicide awareness campaign. He lost his brother-in-law Andy to suicide in 2016, motivating him to set up #ANDYSMANCLUB, a group talking session for men. #ANDYSMANCLUB has grown so quickly within a year that the government nodded to it alongside State Of Mind as part of its official suicide prevention strategy.

LUKE AMBLER 10

Luke: What would you say the trigger was for you in becoming suicidal?

Luke: What was the key in helping you move forward and still being with us today?

Danny: Constant unbearable pain, I couldn’t move about after injury, which made me feel a burden to my family. It lowered my self-esteem.

My ability to support them was taken away and I felt a future career with earning power was gone. I lost all hope and couldn’t get involved with family activities or do the usual day-to-day things. A big thing for me was that I couldn’t exercise.

Danny: The biggest reason I’m still here is definitely my family and their incredible understanding and support. Talking, talking and talking was so vital to me. Whether a chat with my parents, my wife, a brother or mate, or with a counsellor. Head Of Welfare at the Rugby Football League was a great support, organising my counselling and offering me roles within

Last year, after injury took him out of Rugby League, Danny Sculthorpe lost his job, his house and had thoughts of suicide.

One conversation with this family turned things around.

He’s now heavily involved with campaigning for State Of Mind, a charity promoting sport and mental wellbeing.

He gives inspiring talks in schools and clubs around the country.

DANNY SCULTHORPE thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside London: 0800 58 58 58

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the sport made a huge difference. I also had a close relationship with my GP who prescribed anti-depressant medication, which really helped me.

Danny: How is your own mental health since you released the pressure of being a professional sportsman?

Luke: It’s definitely improved. I know it’s the opposite for many. I have had a speaking and emotional wellbeing business for five years now and I found myself wanting to focus more on that. The explosion of #ANDYSMANCLUB combined with a growing business and family made it all hard to balance. Taking the plunge to quit professional rugby was a big decision. I gave up all guaranteed income, but it’s worked because Luke: You are a very inspirational speaker, what I believed in it and I have a wonderful partner, Lisa Roberts, who supports me and allows me to live motivates you to get up and tell your story? my dream. I think when anyone Danny: That I can help others feels or finds their purpose it who are maybe experiencing makes them happier. I would similar problems. They can learn encourage anyone reading this DO PHYSICAL from and be encouraged by my to take a risk and chase your EXERCISE. IT LIFTS example of speaking openly. I’m dreams. So in brief, yes, much MOOD, REDUCES also maintaining my own mental happier.

STRESS AND ANXIETY wellbeing by connecting with AND GIVES YOU like-minded others, developing Danny: What are your biggest MORE ENERGY. my knowledge, skills and self antidepressants? confidence. It’s opened up new opportunities for personal Luke: I would say talking and development and potential employment options. music. I use #ANDYSMANCLUB myself. When I was struggling with pay cuts and a few other issues at my rugby club earlier in the year, the club really helped me. It gave me a place to offload in a non-judgemental environment and even now I use it every week as it’s good to just talk and meet new people. Music is always good too as it guides you through emotions from pumped up, to happy, to relaxed, even just quieting the mind.

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Danny: What did you think of Piers Morgan saying men need to ‘man up’, instead of opening up?

Luke: That idea will hopefully become a thing of the past. I think the perception needs to change and is changing. The hard work that’s been done by a variety of organisations is first class and we

need the support of these so-called influential people. I think at one time it would’ve been extremely damaging but the response he received was great. People disagreed and got stuck in to him. People really got passionate and showed him that this ‘man up’ idea is completely wrong.

Luke: Now you’re retired, do you miss the game and if so have you found anything that fills the void? A lot of players struggle with identity when leaving the game and question who they are. What advice would you give to players out there who have left the game either in or out of their control?

Danny: I don’t miss playing but I do really miss the craic in the changing rooms. Coaching under 9s helps me stay involved. I can positively influence the rugby league culture. My involvement at different levels of the game [i.e. disciplinary committee, integrity and betting workshops and my work with State Of Mind] keeps me involved. I regularly meet players, former players, fans and officials. My advice would be to find a positive activity that can bring connections and satisfactions. Look outwards and not inwards and seek to add to your skills and knowledge. And physical exercise. It lifts mood, reduces stress and anxiety, and it gives you more energy.

Danny: How does it feel to know you’ve changed people’s minds about suicide?

Luke: It’s massively satisfying. Halifax alone has had over 400 men use the group in less than a year and our groups around the UK are up to around 15. We have seven active community groups with four more about to launch. We have two in colleges and one starting with the Yorkshire Emergency Services. We have a group in prison, with an aim to roll out across the whole prison estate throughout the country. Everyone involved with #ANDYSMANCLUB including myself are volunteers so it’s really rewarding to see such an impact made in Andy’s name. His mum Elaine works tirelessly on this and does so much of the stuff no one sees. She’s an inspiration, I’m blessed to have her on this journey.

People message because they’ve seen our #ITSOKAYTOTALK campaign or other stuff we’ve put out and tell us how it’s saved their life. I get no greater satisfaction. Success to me is the number of people’s lives you can impact in your time here. I will keep that thought in my head until I die. If we can keep growing what we are doing and helping people it’s worth all the sleepless nights and long days!

Our goal is to make #ANDYSMANCLUB accessible for all – we’ve had people message from Delhi, New York, Australia and more. We’d love to take this global but we’ve a big job to do here in the UK first. andysmanclub.co.uk stateofmindsport.org

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RE INVEN TING THE SELF(IE) 14

Photos by Casey Moore

The Calm Photography Movement exhibition offered a portrait of man today.

Over ten days in The Getty Gallery in Soho, professional and amateur photographers exhibited work that championed creative self-expression, celebrated multiple definitions of masculinity and shone a light on its complexities and paradoxes.

With this in mind, photographer Casey Moore decided to explore how an initiative founded in his local Sussex is helping young male exoffenders around the country. He reinvented the selfie in the process.

Casey, what’s the story behind this photo series?

I was asked by The Calm Photography Movement founder Steve Wallington to submit some work.

That was the catalyst for me to approach the charity, A Band Of Brothers with a view to discussing masculinity and manhood. ABOB was founded in my village in East Sussex. They focus on supporting 18-25 year olds through a mentoring programme that involves mature mentors and a rites of passage journey.

So what happens at A Band Of Brothers and who gets involved?

Young men are selected through the probation service if they’re deemed to be the right sort of balance in terms of age, profile and being open to the programme. While the older men and mentors volunteer and also go on a different but similar rites of passage weekend called Beyond The Hero, the younger men go on The Quest. They all go on a three-day weekend.

The details of the rites of passage are secret for good reason, you won’t find much info about what the programme involves online or what the rites of passage entails, it has to be experienced without preconceptions or knowing what’s coming next. But through the course of the weekend they’re matched with mentors in a one-on-one way, and after the weekend they’ll have a 13-week mentoring cycle, as part of the condition of probation.

They also all get the opportunity to attend weekly sharing circles where they can exchange what’s

really going on in their lives in a heartfelt way. They’re getting amazing results. Young men going back to the community feel much more able to assert themselves and move forward with their lives.

THE CONCEPT CAME OUT OF A DESIRE TO DEVELOP A PHOTOGRAPHIC PROCESS THAT IN SOME WAY GAVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE SITTER.

How did you choose the subjects for the photos?

They’re all all men who have been A Band Of Brothers mentors. I went to three different groups in Crawley, Haringey and Brighton.

You could say you’ve reinvented the selfie.

Was that your intention, to play with selfexpression and identity?

You could put it that way. The concept came out of a desire to develop a photographic process that in some way gave something back to the sitter. By that I mean, I could have put myself in with a big camera and stood behind it, but that’s taking a picture rather than giving a picture. So I came up with the idea of a two-way mirror and a large format camera that sits behind the mirror, not visible. And on the other side sits the man, he can only see himself in that mirror. So it’s an opportunity for them to sit with themselves to look at their own reflection, to consider their own image. I would leave the room so they were free to do whatever in their own company.

The camera itself is triggered by a cable release under their feet, so they’re free to use their hands, they’re free to make a gesture. They’re not looking out at an audience. Something changes once it clicks in the viewer’s mind that it’s for themselves and not a camera. Each man gets two pics only. I didn’t have any idea what had taken place until the films were developed in my darkroom. I shot 10x8 large format as I wanted there to be as much of the integrity of the person present in the final print as possible and I reversed the negatives so that we see the exact image that the subjects saw in the mirror; their mirror image.

Knowing the depths within themselves that some of these men have gone to with the Band Of Brothers, I knew they’d be particularly interesting subjects.

They’ve all taken a journey into manhood. Through that context they have something powerful to say.

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If you had to pick out one of the photos to tell the story behind it, which would you choose?

I only met the men very briefly but three stand out: The first is Mark Nightingale. I know how passionate Mark is and how much he’s invested in this conversation. He’s projecting the image of an elder, of a mature, strong leader. It comes across in clothes he’s wearing and how he’s holding himself.

Then there’s Dan and Flynn. Dan is holding the ashes of his son, Flynn, who was 16 when he took his own life. He would have been 30 this year.

Dan has conquered something very powerful in himself with this picture. He did it to bring awareness of male suicide. On top of that he did it as a man. He wanted to do it with his top off, with nothing in the way of the image. No barriers.

The third image is of Ken Hinds. Ken is well-known in the London community, he’s often on hand to help young men at the moment they hit crisis.

If any young men have a run in with the police, Ken will represent and advise them and negotiate on their behalf. He has no qualifications to do so as far as I know, he’s just a man with a platform in the community. I love the positivity in his photo, he’s laughing in the image. I know how much he brings to the groups with his physical presence, and his experience of what people in his community are having to deal with.

What do you think these programmes can offer society?

I’ve taken part in A Band Of Brothers, I had a mentor of my own.

I’ve come to this fairly late but the transformation and self-awareness that grew out of that process was immense. We’re all now in a wider community, A Band Of Brothers. Undoubtedly that conversation, a forum, a place specifically for men, is a huge help.

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There’s been discussion around the education system and how it’s predominantly run by women.

Boys from 5-15 years old are possibly in an environment that doesn’t suit them. They’re being sort of pushed into a place where they’re not succeeding, quite early in life.

That’s what I think is missing: a community of men. Modern life seems to have eroded the traditions that bring men together.

I think the format of school; sitting down learning in a classroom with fairly strict rules of physical activity, has been proven to suit girls better than boys.

Obviously there are some boys who succeed, but many don’t and they fall out of the system at an early age, which can then cascade into events that don’t end well.

Very few of the men that come into contact with Band Of Brothers will have male mentors or role models in their lives, their peer group will be their only reference point.

Some of them should not come back: war, extensive physical labour aren’t good things at all but what they did do is give men a sense of purpose, of camaraderie and togetherness, which in the modern day is lacking. We need something to replace that, and that’s what a charity like A Band Of Brothers can offer.

See the full series at caseymoore.com/man-now Find out more about A Band Of Brothers at abandofbrothers.org.uk See more TCPM photos on Instagram @calm_photography_movement

THAT’S WHAT I THINK IS MISSING: A COMMUNITY OF MEN. MODERN LIFE SEEMS TO HAVE ERODED THE TRADITIONS THAT BRING MEN TOGETHER.

l a v i t s e F

s p u s l l a b d Howe

Illustrations by Davi

nds, the smell of in the sun with good frie Ah, festival season. Tunes air… cider and factor 30 in the smile-witharen’t always the ear-to-ear experience that But to be frank, festivals ir r-ha you -ins-and-flowers girlfriend-on your-shoulder try to sell you. In fact, they can be brutal; s ent artm dep ting rke their nut, poor the ma , everyone perpetually off the toilets, the hangovers sleep, shit weather. ekends of had some of the best we Don’t get us wrong, we’ve s and CALM is bringing the good field our lives in beer soaked n mini music tent) to a range of festivals ow our n eve d (an ke and V&D message have experienced sunstro the know, we in this year. But some of us ple we caught up with peo their favourite simultaneously, so when as ll we as ps ls-u tivals bal asked for their biggest fes ks… parties and top music pic

Robin Richards 18

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Mary Anne Hobbs

DJ at BBC 6 Music

u looking forward to?

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Dave Rowlinson

Deputy Editor of London in Stereo

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WI LD ER NE SS 3-6 Aug, Cornbury Park

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Summer Style Guide

6 Easy Festival Style Hacks To Try Out This Summer Festival season is almost upon us, which means a monster of a task is about to be thrust upon you: packing your bag.

Apart from baby wipes and cereal bars, what do you need to pack for a festival? Topman is here to answer this much debated question with an incredibly stylish answer, with our guide to summer style.

Printed Shirts

Backpacks

You’re partying in a field by day, but hoping to sneak backstage to an after party later on.

No security guard with common sense will let you in wearing a sweaty, beer stained vest, but they might be fooled if they see you wearing a lightweight shirt with an eccentric print.

No one wants to walk back to their tent in 40 degree heat because they forgot the vodka hidden in a water bottle. Make sure your festival essentials are with you at all times by storing them stylishly in a conveniently sized backpack with extra utility pockets.

Loafers

Statement Shorts

Give your feet the pleasure of not stinking at the end of the day (the others in the tent will thank you too) by ditching boots for some comfortable, airy loafers. If you’re worried about blisters, just wear invisible sock liners and prepare by putting a band-aid on your heels before you start your daily trek to the main arena.

Finding your mates in a field full of thousands of people after you’ve just nipped to the bar for a beer can be an absolute nightmare, but wearing bright shorts is the style equivalent of being a lighthouse. Make sure you’re spotted in a pair of statement swims, whether that’s in a neon colour or tropical print, because no one wants to awkwardly listen to The xx by themselves for an hour and a half.

Retro Sunglasses

Wide Brim Hats

At some annoying point of the day you’ll be watching a band and the sun will temporarily blind you with its selfish rays of happiness. Avoid this mild inconvenience and stick it to that big ball of fire in the sky by adopting some retro shaped sunglasses.

Even if you don’t think it’s that hot, spending 12 hours outside in the sun can take its toll on your crown, a place you often neglect with sunscreen. Avoid head blisters (ain’t nobody got time for that) by adding a wide brimmed piece of headwear to your outfit.

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Ivica Strok a pixelated footballer who helped me deal with loss 24

Words by Jonny Sharples

26th July. Glasgow, Scotland.

Ivica Strok steps out onto the Celtic pitch for the final time before he hangs up his boots for good, a testimonial match against his boyhood club NK Zagreb following his 22 years in green and white hoops. He departs a hero, a legend. There’s just one small detail; this is the year 2042, and Ivica Strok isn’t real.

You may not be familiar with the name Ivica Strok, despite his four Champions League winners’ medals, but you may well have seen his face; his pixelated, vacant stare has popped up across social media. Since his virtual retirement, Ivica has become a figurehead for CALM; and built a 4,000 strong following on Twitter.

The story of Ivica Strok begins on Football Manager 2013 and in the fictional year 2020 when I, as Celtic’s manager, paid £5 million for the 18-yearold striker with the aim of his talent delivering the goals to take the Scottish club to European glory.

His goals, all 836 of them, translated into four Champions’ League victories, one Europa League win, and countless domestic trophies. A fine haul thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside London: 0800 58 58 58

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for a fine player, albeit one consigned to life in an alternative reality.

became a self-appointed supporter of CALM with the aim of getting men talking about their mental health; men that play Football Manager, men that don’t, and That was until 21st December 2014; when my men that just stumble across the story of a fictional older brother, Simon, took his own life. He was 36 footballer that broke out from a hard drive and made years old. his way into the real world.

Just as Football Manager Simon, in his teenage had helped me through the years, was the person that aftermath of Simon’s death took the time to sit beside in offering an outlet and a me and show me how to distraction for my grief, it could play Football Manager. He just so easily help other men THERE’S JUST ONE showed me how a series through their struggle. of statistics, algorithms and SMALL DETAIL; flashing text could lead you So we return to that summer THIS IS THE to become the greatest day in 2042, when Celtic took manager in the world. Now, on NK Zagreb for Ivica Strok’s YEAR 2042, AND nearly two decades later, testimonial. It is traditional for IVICA STROK it was time to use those a player to give the proceeds lessons of the virtual world of their testimonial to charity, ISN'T REAL to try and make a difference and Strok’s chosen charity in the real world. was CALM. Without ticket sales or fundraising buckets outside the stadium, how YouGov estimates that the typical Football Manager fan was money going to be raised? is a male aged between 25 and 39, closely resembling the main demographic most at risk from suicide; men A testimonial programme was produced, featuring under the age of 50. With that in mind, Ivica Strok stories from Strok’s time at Celtic and infographics 26

covering aspects of his career - it even featured an advert for CALM, and one for Football Manager 2043. The programme sold out quickly, and with 100% of the money going straight to help CALM carry on their important and valuable work, Ivica had truly made his mark in the real world. That fact was cemented when a copy of Ivica’s programme went on show at the National Football Museum in Manchester, alongside exhibits such as the ball used in the 1966 World Cup final and the shirt Diego Maradona wore when outjumping Peter Shilton for his infamous Hand of God.

WHAT STROK NOW REPRESENTS, MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, IS A HUGELY WORTHWHILE CAUSE.

Football Manager is just a game, and Ivica Strok is just a collection of randomly assigned statistics and pixels, but the lines between fiction and reality are becoming blurred – what Strok now represents, more than anything else, is a hugely worthwhile cause.

By the time he retires in 2042, we hope that the stigma around male mental health and suicide will have reduced, and those who need help are able to seek it and access it. Until then, Ivica Strok will continue to support CALM. Follow Jonny Sharples @JonnyGabriel and Ivica Strok @IvicaStrok thecalmzone.net - CALM Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside London: 0800 58 58 58

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One of CALM’s resident females and, um, balls enthusiast, Rachel Stephenson, asks two-time testicular cancer survivor and moustache enthusiast Ben Bowers

DO YOU NEED

BALLS

TO HAVE BALLS?

So first things first. You’re a man with no balls.

How did that come about?

Clumsy! No, I was turning 26 and found a lump so I went to the doctor and got an ultrasound.

Afterwards the consultant asked me if I’d had breakfast that morning and I thought that was a really nice thing to ask. I didn’t realise until ten minutes later why he’d actually asked me. There was a 99.9% chance I had cancer and they needed to operate to remove my testicle.

I came out of surgery minus another bollock and my follow-up MRI showed the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes.

Was that a shock?

Absolutely. I had to start chemo straight away. I’d just started a new job, paid for a wedding and we had a baby on the way. Then, boom, I was told to get my shit in order. You won’t be able to work. You’re going to be tired, sick, your hair is going to fall out. All the implications that had, from a mental health point of view, from a financial point of view. It was so hard.

Then the chemo kicked in and it got a million times harder.

Sounds like a bit of a headfuck.

It was very scary times. After the surgery I just wanted to get out of there. They said I could go home once I’d had my first wee – which is scary, Had you met anyone else but not as scary as your first who had been through similar wank. I tried to stand and get by then? dressed, but fell over. I’d walked I met someone else as I was in as a healthy young man and PEOPLE HAVE SAID finishing chemo. A friend of mine my dad pushed me out in a who works in TV introduced me to wheelchair. A few days later I FOR YEARS Charley Boorman from ‘Long Way went to a mate’s wedding on “JUST GROW A PAIR” Down’, who’d also lost a bollock. my own and I was no fit state AND MAYBE ONE DAY He called me up one day to invite to be doing that. I wanted to I’LL BE ABLE TO. me to a charity event which turned prove I was ok. That was pretty out to be Movember. They asked destructive in the long term. me if I wanted to get involved and share my story.

Looking back, I fell into depression. I remember Since then I’ve met so many men – too many men – sitting at home thinking I never want to go to the who’ve lost a bollock. pub again, and I was happy with that.

That doesn’t sound like you. Was it the case that physically you’d had the all-clear but mentally you hadn’t got there?

I was having monthly check ups for the first year, to see if it had come back. The anxiety in the runup was savage. You’re shitting yourself that it’s going to come back.

But that is part of your story – the cancer coming back. Ding Ding! Round 2!

Yeah, my constant fears were validated! The gap was three and a half years. I’d been checking myself regularly and a few days after I turned 30 I found a lump on my remaining testicle. The ultrasound was inconclusive and I was about to get married, so my oncologist told me to get to work fathering a child naturally. Real gun-to-the-head pressure to conceive.

When we got back from honeymoon and told the doctor [my wife] Jess was pregnant, it was a rush to operate because the tumour had been growing.

Speaking of which, nice moustache! How is your work at Movember helping men with their health and testicular cancer in particular?

I’m on the Movember Foundation’s Global Research Advisory Committee for testicular cancer, which means I sit in a room with the smartest people on the planet for the disease. There’s nothing about bollocks they don’t know. The Movember Foundation is the biggest investor in testicular cancer in the world outside of governments, so we’re in a really good position to support men and change lives. We’ve seen breakthroughs in the genetics, so it’s getting easier to identify guys at risk of developing the disease or of not responding to treatment.

What’s it like to be involved in something where your experience can help others?

It’s cathartic. I find it helps to talk about it. I didn’t much to begin with because I wasn’t dealing with it. My behaviour had been changing and it ended

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up in divorce, which was a real catalyst. I was finally diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I got some professional help which changed everything. I started to learn how to self-manage and understand the triggers, with the added complication of being on testosterone treatment.

How does that impact your everyday life?

I have artificial testosterone injections every 10 weeks in my bum, which hurts for days. It’s slow release, so I go from full-on superhuman to a grumpy, blithering, tired, emotional mess every 10 weeks. I’ll find things irritating that I wouldn’t normally. I’ve learnt to explain I can’t do anything about it, which is hard for the people around me because they have to just suck it up.

YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL MORE OFTEN THAN YOU’RE GOING TO SUCCEED, SO IT’S USEFUL TO SEE THAT NOT AS FAILURE BUT JUST THE OUTCOME THAT WASN’T DESIRED. TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT AND MOVE ON. The science has come a long way though. The American military are growing tiny testicles on the back of mice, because one of the first things that gets blown off is your bollocks. People have said for years “just grow a pair” and maybe one day I’ll be able to.

Which would be amazing! Or would it? I probably don’t need them much these days, they just get in the way.

So you weren’t tempted to put a replacement or two in there?

It was mentioned the first time I was diagnosed but I didn’t want or need anything else in there, I’m not an underwear model. Even with none, I’m happy.

Indeed. When we first met, you literally showed me your ball bag right there at the bar…

You’re one of the few!

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We were drunk, but that’s still pretty punchy.

There wasn’t any vanity. It made me wonder, maybe you’re just cool with it?

I don’t think I was ever bothered about the physical.

It was never the nuts, it was the cancer. It was the mental side too, but not body image as such. It was the stress, the fear.

What’s the protocol when you’re getting intimate with someone? Do they notice?

Yeah they pretty much notice! After my separation the dating world had moved on, with Tinder and so on. At what point do you bring it up? “Oh, by the way, there’s no undercarriage!” And all the implications that has long term - if it works out, kids aren’t happening naturally. I say leave it until the point of no return, when it’s going to become really obvious [laughs]. I’m joking. You have to be open.

Bring it up fairly early.

This is CALMzine’s ‘Talking Balls’ issue but it’s not all about nuts. Do you think men find it hard to cope with ballsing stuff up?

Yeah, because men feel programmed to be competitive, to be successful. There’s an expectation on men to be good at everything.

But none of us are immune to failure.

How do you deal with a balls up?

I’m very competitive with myself, I want to do the best at everything I do and I don’t like letting people down.

Learning to deal with your imperfections and that you’re not as amazing as you think you are is really important. You’re going to fail more often than you’re going to succeed, so it’s useful to see that not as failure but just the outcome that wasn’t desired. Take something out of it and move on.

Is that what you’ve learnt, to make the best of situations?

I’ve learnt to be more pragmatic and more optimistic. I worry that the cancer may come back and it increases my risk of heart disease by a factor of five. That’s hanging over me the rest of my life. I could find a million reasons to be negative, but I just try not to worry. I have a six-year-old daughter, there’s plenty of worry ahead!

Did cancer feel like a failure? Of your youth? Or your manliness?

I still feel like I’m flawed, from a human specimen point of view. Without medical science I would have died, so I often wonder if I’m not programmed to live a full life.

Are you more comfortable with the idea of your own mortality?

No! I hate the idea of not being around.

It’s really shit. I struggle sometimes because we’re all living longer and the law of natural selection means some people should die. And then I think, “shit, I’m one of those people!” I realise perhaps I shouldn’t be here, but I want to be here.

You read about people with lifethreatening illnesses who talk about epiphanies and how they’ve turned their lives around. I didn’t really change much afterwards because I feel like I was ok as a human before. Should I now be vegan? Should I give up booze? Stop taking risks? No, it’s who I am. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m doing alright.

How has your own sense of masculinity changed from when you were 25 and cancerfree to now, when you’re 37 and cancer-free?

Everything I’ve gone on to do and achieve since getting cancer has shown that old cliché to be true: you don’t need balls to have balls. Masculinity isn’t defined by the size of your package. It’s defined by how you take responsibility for yourself and those around you. A big shift needs to take place in how we talk about masculinity. It’s not about the strong, silent provider who doesn’t talk about or deal with anything. Being alive is the first major thing you can do to be there for people. Being dead isn’t a very cool way to look after anyone. We should all try not to get caught up in the stigmas and stereotypes that exist in the world today.

Is that getting easier? Or is there still a fight to be fought?

We’re not there, but the tide is turning. There’s a lot of good work going on to change the conversation.

So what’s your advice for other men?

Check your testicles, ideally just after you’ve got out of the bath or shower so your scrotum is nice and loose and hanging low. No more often than once a month as you won’t notice a change. Get to know them and, as soon as you notice a change, get to the doctor.

Don’t think the worst! I was very unusual and very unlucky. In most people it’s nothing that can’t be cured easily. [For tips on how to check see p32] How can guys help each other with that?

When I told my mates the first time around, my oldest friend said he’d recently had a lump that turned out to be fine. But he never talked about it. If he had done I might have been more educated about what to look out for. By sharing what’s happened to us in terms of our health - both physically and mentally - we can help each other. So talk to your mates.

Find out more about the Movember Foundation’s programmes fighting testicular cancer at uk.movember.com/programs/ testicular-cancer.

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Illustration: James Boast

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DEAR JOSH Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice…

I’m old and struggle to keep up at festivals now. Do I swallow my FOMO and get some beauty sleep or embrace YOLO, power through and accept the week-long hangover?

Knackered, East Anglia Brethren, you’re old. Age means smarts. You’re old. Embrace that. Be smart. Embrace BBC iPlayer. Enjoy Festivals from your goddamn bed.

What is it with guys and their balls?

Curious female, East London What is it with girls and their boobies?

I’m a closeted gay 18yo. My group from school are planning our final lads holiday blowout in “SHAGALUF #bantz”. They’re all on about pulling as many girls as possible and hoping to lose their virginity in some cases. As time goes on, I look forward to it less. Part of me wants to pull out and part of me wants to take the opportunity to come out. But I’m terrified.

Thoughts?

Julian, Sheffield Mate. You should probably tell your friends about your sexuality unless you don’t feel like it’s the right time in which case you should bow out because the last thing you need/want is to not be able to control your opinions should said coming out happen on holiday. Only you know what your friends are like and how well they will react, but in all honesty if they don’t like you for you then they’re not your friends and why would you want to go anywhere with them?

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Josh, I’m just out of a long-term relationship and (against much advice from mates) really want to stay friends with my ex-gf. Is it even possible?

Anon My feeling is this: If you were friends beforehand? Like were you close friends? Not for six months. If not? Not for six months, then a year, then three years, then five. After five, feel free to add her on Facebook as a very distant friend.

I’m a smart guy and I study loooads but I DESPISE exams, and it fucks me over.

I get bad anxiety, can’t concentrate and always run out of time. How can I find a sense of calm so I can actually fulfill my potential at uni?

Sweaty swat, Birmingham Brethren, part of the reason I took creative writing in uni was so I never had to do another exam again. I feel you deep. What helped me personally was doing as many mock exams as possible and time myself, to get used to the stress. Like, one time I did about a hundred. Otherwise, you can try calming techniques before the paper: meditation, breathing exercises, listening to chilled melodies, prayer, masturbation.

Good Luck!

Got a question for Josh?

Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net NOTE: Josh isn’t a qualified expert. He’s just a joker. Find out more at www.poejazzi.com If you do need to talk to someone, call the CALM helpline: 0800 585858 London only: 0800 802 5858

Dave, Livi, Dora and all our post volunteers.

The Royal Foundation for leading an incredible London Marathon campaign.

Sompo International who had 66 runners do Chase The Run, special thanks to April Chaudhry for organising.

Friends & family of Reece Baker who climbed the three highest peaks in England, Scotland & Wales within 24 hours.

The 60 Barnsley fans who walked to Derby raising £15,000 in memory of Ashley Salkeld.

Ady Suleiman for his stunning TORCH SONG.

BIG UP...

The CALM Photography Movement Steve and Scott, TCPM founders.

The thousands of talented photographers who submitted photos.

Poorna Bell, Casey Moore & Simon Jack for a fascinating panel discussion.

Getty Images Gallery for hosting a beautiful exhibition.

Everyone who scooped a piece in the auction.

Everyone who attended and played Beanz Bash music festival in memory of Matthew ‘Beanz’ Kiernan.

Safe Ground for inviting us along to their prison programmes.

Piers Morgan for flagrantly stupid comments that serve to show us how much the zeitgeist has changed.

Everyone who called out Piers Morgan.

Mary Messenger who just completed her 50th park run!

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