CALMzine Issue 7

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CALM

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CAMPAIGN AGAINST LIVING MISERABLY

GAZ COOMBES // MISTER MUMBLES// DANIEL GINNS // DEAR JOSH // INNER LIFE // OH STANDFAST

As the nights close in and the stocks of supermarket satsumas soar, us folks at CALM are getting stuck into the festive season with joy in our hearts and Slade on our radio. It’s been a busy old time at CALM towers over the past few months, what with the launch of our spanking new website (check it out www.thecalmzone.net.

Pretty sweet, huh?), new staff joining the ranks, winning a Guardian Charity Award and being nominated to be IPC Media’s charityfor 2013, we feel that we’ve had all of our Christmas pressies in advance (although if you fancy dropping a Kindle Fire down our chimney on Christmas Day, we wouldn’t complain…), 2012 has been a phenomenal year for CALM. Generous public donations have enabled us to expand our helpline service to 7 days a week, so we are heading into 2013 with a giant spring in our step. Enormothanks for your support – onwards and upwards!

Anyhoo, CALM love-in over. In this issue we have ex-Supergrass frontman and sideburned superstar Gaz Coombes, talking about his new solo career; Oh Standfast penning a poem just for lil ol’ us; Mister Mumbles getting into trouble in Argos and Dear Josh taking on your problems, AND WINNING! With mental health in rugby, Cinematherapy and Daniel Ginn’s amazing artwork also jostling for position, this is a pretty ball busting issue. So sit back, grab yourself an eggnog and enjoy CALMzine at your leisure.

Need Help? Call CALM. London: 0808 802 58 58 Nationwide: 0800 58 58 58

Lines open 7 days a week 5pm - midnight CALMzine is printed on paper from sustainably managed sources. Printed by Symbian Print Intelligence, paper from Gould International UK.

Editor: Rachel Clare Original Design: Joey Graham Designer: Silvina De Vita Cover Art: Daniel Ginns Picture Assistant: Oli Mosse Distribution Manager: Katie Barton Witty Office Manager: Charlie Morrison Editorial Support: Niamh Brophy CALM Charity Director: Jane Powell Contributors: Matt Brown, Fabio Zucchelli, Lisa Balderson, Chris Owen, Mister Mumbles, Rachel Clare, Adi Parige, Chris Sav, Jonathan McIntyre, Graham Goddard, Josh Idehen, What Men Do, Daniel Ginns.

Thanks to Topman for their ongoing support.

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Contact: editor@thecalmzone.net

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at editor@thecalmzone.net If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

3

S E L K C A T Y B G RU Right, the game is word association and the word is ‘rugby’… ‘man’s game’,’ shuddering tackles’, ‘brute force’, ‘mud’, ‘blood’, ‘pizza’ (don’t know where that one came from, I am hungry though).

It’s unlikely, in a sport where the closest thing resembling a group therapy session is a legitimised mass pile-up, that ‘depression’ or ‘anxiety’ would feature in the list. Over the past few years though, trailblazers in both codes have started to speak up about their experiences of mental disorders. As established from the wider world of sport, the overall lesson is simple: it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, mental health problems can affect anyone.

There are further lessons, though, about why sport, and particularly a macho game like rugby, has only recently started to acknowledge the existence of such common problems and respond accordingly.

In order to gain an insight from within the game on the issue, I spoke with two recently retired players, Ian Sibbit, a former Bradford Bulls rugby league player who now works as a personal trainer and has been involved in the excellent State of Mind mental health campaign, and Duncan Bell, the ex-Bath and England rugby union front rower, who this year opened up about his long-standing battle with depression and anxiety to his team mates.

Retiring from professional sport is one issue widely recognised as a potential emotional – even existential – pitfall for athletes, and rugby is no different. “Every professional rugby player will think about [retirement]

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at some point in their career and a lot will bury their head in the sand, but eventually it does happen; your body will give up, there’s no two ways about it”, says Duncan Bell. “It’s tough because you’re playing a sport that you love and you think it’ll never end but unfortunately it will.” He also describes the vacuum left when retiring from the game, “You just fall off the face of the earth really”.

Both Bell and Sibbit promptly dispel the misjudged notion, perpetuated in the main by professional football, that rugby players are set for life financially after retiring. “It’s definitely worrying because I’ve got bills to pay, a mortgage to pay off and a family to support” Ian Sibbert explains. “I’ve not earned enough money in my career to have earnings stashed away… it’s something [professional] players need help with and shouldn’t be afraid to ask”. With rugby players often retiring earlier than planned due to injury, “getting very little time to prepare themselves for the ‘afterlife’” as Bell eloquently puts it, the danger remains; being brought up in a testosterone-fuelled rugby environment hardly encourages players to talk about feelings when hard times, both financial and emotional, lead to the onset of depression or Ian Sibbert anxiety for some.

So, what about the rugby culture? Although both Bell and Sibbit stress things are improving in terms of awareness and de-stigmatisation of mental health

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HEAD FIR

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problems, Bell’s experience of feeling depressed tells a powerful story: “[Rugby] is a tough sport played by a lot of tough men and I suppose when it comes to being physically tough, you become mentally tough as well. I remember sitting Duncan Bell in the car park, thinking ‘For Christ’s sake, this is ridiculous, what the hell am I doing here?’ I didn’t think [my depression] was a genuine illness. I thought it was a weakness, an excuse for failings.” Since seeking professional help five years ago, Bell has developed an entirely different attitude towards depression and is now actively involved in the Rugby Players Association education programme, but clearly at the time when he was feeling crap and blaming himself for feeling that way – an inherent feature of depression – there did exist a dearth of awareness on such a common problem within the game. Sibbit reflects similarly: “I think there is still a problem in rugby league where it’s a macho game; players might think ‘Do I appear weak if I ask for help with mental issues’, but there’s nothing weak about it”.

There is another side to the rugby coin though camaraderie. Sibbit explains, “There’s the phrase ‘rugby league family’ and if you’re in a team, you know you’ve got twenty-five lads you can call anytime, they’ll always help each other”. After publicly speaking about the depression he has experienced for over a decade, Bell describes the reaction of his Bath team-mates: “I don’t have a negative word to say, they were all really positive and helpful”. Clearly, as we have discovered

by Fabio Z

ucchelli

from the reaction to revelations by All Blacks legend John Kirwin, Johnny Wilkinson and Alan Quinlan of suffering mental health issues, the rugby community has shown it will always support its members. Pioneers such as these, Duncan Bell included, have made it easier for players to speak openly about their own difficulties. Building awareness within the game about what these conditions actually mean is also needed to further encourage openness, as well as helping people to recognise it in themselves. The answer? In the words of Tony Blair: education, education, education.

The tragic suicides of Terry Newton and Selorm Kaudey shocked the rugby world, and as a result both union and league stepped up their commitment to raising awareness and providing support for players.

In rugby union, Bell affirms “The RPA are massively proactive in this area… every year now each player has to attend a seminar about addiction, depression and anxiety. There are two education programmes available to the players, and I’m very proud to be involved in it. If anything good has come out of a tragedy then this is potentially something”. In rugby league Sibbit notes “Over the past twelve months the likes of State of Mind and Sporting Chance have come to the fore”.

Ultimately, in a game played by tough men who value bravery, Ian Sibbit sums it up nicely when he says “It probably takes more guts to talk than to bottle it up”.

Agreed.

Follow Fabio Zucchelli on Twitter @Fabzucci

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TOPMAN CHRISTMAS

WISHLIST

Musical ties, tea cosies, Connect 4 there’s only so many pretend ‘thank yous’ one person should be expected to give at Christmas. Instead, get your Topman Wish List in early this year.

Here are our top ten favourites.

Boombox Phone Speaker, £14

Tan Leather Washbag, £30

Navy Reindeer Blazer, £80

Checked Pyjama Bottoms, £20

Distil Fragrance, the new fragrance for men. A luxurious & vibrant blend of Juniper, Ozone & White Wood.

50ml, £25 100ml, £32 Pickups & Come-Ons Book, £5.95

Red and White Beanie, £12

Peter Werth Black Holdall Bag, £95

Faux Shearling Gloves, £14

James Long Spot Stripe Jumper, £100

Throughout my entire childhood I have been overweight. Every year I would gradually gain more and more but this all changed when I was 17 years old‌

Feeling ill, suffering chest pains and having circulation issues was a constant worry to me. This fear, together with the attitudes of people around me, made me decide to take it upon myself to change.

The weight gain throughout my life rapidly increased with age and the related health concerns began to mount. Paired with all the endless negative jibes and comments I was getting from others at school about how I looked, it finally took control and soon it was all I was able to focus upon. I desperately wanted to change.

The week before I made the decision to lose weight, I took an overdose. I was desperate. I wanted to end the misery. Luckily I survived, but was then dead set on making a monumental change, and that change was losing weight.

At 16, I was morbidly obese, acne-ridden and unkempt.

I had stopped going to the hairdressers for fear of leaving the house because alongside being taunted at school, I was also getting abuse from strangers in the street and, most upsettingly, members of my own family.

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Rather than opting for healthy diet and exercise, I resorted to extreme measures and decided I wouldn’t eat but only take in fluids. I ate solid food once every two to four days and whatever I had, I would purge (make myself sick). I lost 11st 4lbs in 9 months, going from my heaviest to my lightest weight in that time.

Sometimes I would over-exercise on the exercise bike

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I had in my bedroom to compensate for the times I felt had eaten too much. I was surviving on caffeine alone.

I had occasional days on which I would “allow” food, as I referred to it, but even then I restricted my calorie intake to as little as 250 a day. The recommended daily calorie intake of an adult male is 2500. I was slowly killing myself.

Gradually the amount I ate each day began to increase, but then began a new lethal cycle of bingeing on mass quantities of food and then making myself sick immediately afterwards.

I was a student at the time my eating disorder really took hold, and back then we still had Education Maintenance Allowance payments that were dealt out to individuals who chose to continue their studies after 16. I received £30 per week, most of which I spent on food.

I went into sixth form at my school like several others in my class, but I only stuck it out for a year. I was massively overweight at this point, and suffering mild depression, with my eating disorder taking full effect around half way through my course. I only got one pass even though I had tried my absolute best. I didn’t have a lot of motivation to study. Simply turning up to school was a chore when you’re the eternal outcast. Bullying was a regular occurrence with the worst bullies often turning out to be students younger than me, which only exacerbated my desperation.

Keeping focus and studying at this time was really difficult. Nobody told me I could retake the year, but then again, I didn’t ask. My communication skills at this point were virtually non-existent. I was all but invisible.

I opted to leave that particular school and go to a further education college for the next two years. I was extremely anxious about the move, and struggled to

make friends, which manifested itself in continued destructive eating patterns. Naturally, I was drawn to like-minded students. The quiet ones. The outcasts.

My EMA payments throughout this time totalled around £2500. I spent at least three quarters of that on food. That’s approx £1,875 – a lot of money when you’re 18. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Most of my childhood pocket money and a large percentage of my Job-Seekers Allowance, has gone on food over the years. I’m ashamed to admit it, but in order to remain honest and to highlight the fact that I’m not greedy but addicted and don’t feel in control, I feel that I should be saying it. I owe it to myself and to others who are suffering in the same way.

I’ve always had a tendency to blow a lot of money on food - I still do. The only difference nowadays is that I don’t tend to purge or fast as often as I did. Recovery has been a long, slow process, but began in earnest when a couple of people close to me voiced their concern. It’s fair to say that if it were not for the unconditional support of my older sister and a paediatrician I was seeing on a regular basis due to concerns about my cardiac health, I would not be here today.

I won’t lie, do still occasionally fall back into old habits. Purging…fasting… they do still occur, but I’ve come to realise that I have things to live for in my life and I don’t want to die aged 20. Many other less fortunate people have, and continue to do so, and I’m determined to not become one of them. I’m getting better day-by-day and I know that I’m one of the lucky ones who have had the fortune of receiving support and experiencing life saving moments of clarity.

Eating disorder is a cruel, silent killer. Often perceived as a ‘female’ disease, there are a vast number of men of all ages experiencing the despair and destruction of anorexia and bulimia. We need to speak out about this illness and help the men who need support, and to stop them becoming a tragic statistic.

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11

MISTER MUMBLES London’s most obstreperous oligarch succumbs to the seasonal spirit

Normally come Christmas time, I like to hang mistletoe. Drink wine. Listen to children singing their inane Christian rhymes. I tend to throw logs on the fire, place small, lightweight gifts upon the tree, and generally rejoice in the good that I see.

In fact, if I remember correctly, one year I was lodging next door to Sir Cliff Richard and thought it only polite to invite him over for a Tesco Finest mince pie and dram of non-alcoholic mulled wine. So taken was he with my wholesome way of celebrating Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ’s birthday that he penned a number about it all there and then, on a page ripped out of the Radio Times Christmas Special as I recall.

Sir Cliff called his festive composition “Mistletoe and Wine” and apparently, some decades later he actually got round to laying the dratted thing down on tape. Lo and behold, it went on to be a smash hit across every continent (even in those that pretend not to like Christmas.) Of course, I never asked Sir Cliff for so much as a penny in royalties – after all, I considered it my gift to a world desperately in need of a reminder as to what Christmas is really about.

Besides, I’ve never been one to profit from the type of filthy, licentious rock ‘n’ roll that characters such as Sir Cliff pedal to young drug-addled teenyboppers.

This year however, I was forced to break with tradition and do Christmas differently. Owing to the tough economic climate we find ourselves in, coupled with Missus Mumbles lusting after a stateof-the-art Daewoo microwave and the fact that my disability living allowance was abruptly revoked after that unfortunate incident of mistaken identity on the bouncy castle at Pontins over the summer, I was forced to seek out gainful seasonal employment.

And so it was that a visit to the Job Centre yielded

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the task of dressing up as Santa at my local Argos store.

I arrived promptly at 8.30am and met with the store manager, Tyrone. He asked to see the piece of paper proving I didn’t succumb to paedophilic tendencies and then, once satisfied I posed no threat to the youngsters, handed me a Santa suit to wear and pointed me towards my grotto – actually just a tinselclad swivel chair surrounded by a low wall built from Argos catalogues.

After donning the outfit and taking up my seat, I started to feel rather festive. Despite the stench of stale sweat wafting up from the cheap red suit and fact that the itchy tightness of the trews was playing merry hell with my long-suffering gonads, I began bellowing out “Ho-Ho-Ho!” with cheer and gusto.

Sadly, Tyrone told me to stop this after a few minutes, as I was drowning out the automated voice that tells customers their order is ready to be collected. Plus it was really doing his head in.

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Suffice to say it wasn’t long before the first child was perched on my knee, issuing their Christmas demands in an argot I wasn’t entirely familiar with.

A fat young scamp by the name of Harry told me I had better bring him “Two Nerf guns and Angry Birds and an iPad 3” otherwise he would get his daddy to batter me in. The daddy in question looked big and cross, so in fear of my life I promised young Harry I’d get the elves onto it straight away – even though I hadn’t the foggiest notion as to what he had requested.

Several hundred thousand more children followed, each as eager as the last to share their Christmas wishes with me. Did they not know I wasn’t really the real Santa? As the day wore on, my suit became gradually more and more besmirched with drool and sticky chocolate, giving me the appearance of being involved in some kind of dirty protest. Shabby Santa chic, I imagine they’d call it. Losing count of the number of times my elasticated false beard was pulled and pinged back into my face at full pelt, I became delirious.

My head was swimming. Over and over, I could hear Sir Cliff solemnly chanting “Love and laughter and joy ever after, ours for the taking just follow the master” like some kind of sausage-brained mantra.

I opened the sack of Argos catalogues Tyrone gave me to hand out during quieter moments, and inside was surprised to see a tunnel stretching off into the distance. About halfway down was a figure, beckoning me forth. I glanced back at the queue of obese kids snaking all the way pass the Elizabeth Duke jewellery section and quick as a flash, clambered inside the sack.

I followed my saviour down the tunnel for what seemed like ages. I had to stop and drain my bladder

three times, that’s how long it was. Thankfully, whoever it was waited for me – and they didn’t even sneak a surreptitious look at my penis either.

Eventually, I emerged into a snow-covered winter wonderland. Before me stood Jesus, surrounded by cheery elves. Clearly, I had followed the master, and now mine for the taking would be love and laughter and joy ever after!

Jesus thanked me for my tireless work promoting his birthday, and then asked me what my Christmas wish was. Of course, I knew I ought really to wish for a state-of-the-art Daewoo microwave, but what is it they say? “Give Missus Mumbles a state-ofthe-art Daewoo microwave and she will cook you Ready Meals for month, but give Mister Mumbles a disability living allowance, and he will feast on takeaways for a lifetime!”

So I wished for my disability living allowance back and with that, Jesus smiled blithely and I felt myself being hauled roughly out of the sack by two burly security guards before being thrown headfirst down some stairs. Twice.

Have a cripplingly good Christmas one and all!

Mister Mumbaubles Twitter @mister_mumbles

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THE CAL MZINE INTERVI EW:

GAZ

COOMBE

By Rach

S

el Clare

Gaz Coombes, one third of Supergrass, one half of Hot Rats and now one hundred percent solo artist, has been around the musical block a few times. With a critically acclaimed solo record out, ‘Gaz Coombes Presents…Here Come The Bombs’, and a UK tour done and dusted, he managed to take a few minutes out of his hectic schedule to sit down with CALM’s Rachel Clare and discuss life over a pint and a bag of Nobby’s Nuts…

First there was three, then there was two and now there’s one. How does it feel to be a solo artist after all these years in bands? Is there more pressure on you?

Yeah, there’s pressure, but it comes from me and nobody else. It’s been a challenge, but it’s been great.

It was odd at first, going into interviews on my own and not having Danny [Goffey] there. Danny and I have a real connection – we were a great partnership in that way, still are, so it’s been quite mad being on my own all of a sudden, but I really enjoy the challenge Do you find it easier to write as a solo artist, not having to write songs by committee?

It’s about confidence in what you’re doing. Once I had written a couple of tracks on my own that I thought sounded good, my confidence grew. I think it might be some of the best stuff I’ve ever written. It can’t be a coincidence that 2 weeks after I left Supergrass, all

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this new music just came out.

Maybe it was born out of a certain frustration at how the band ended. I loved being in the studio on my own.

Your new album, whilst it’s still clearly a Gaz Coombes record, feels slightly darker and heavier than your previous stuff. Is this is a style that’s been bubbling under all these years?

I suppose I have a style that is definitely mine.

When you remove everyone else, inevitably it’s going to sound different. I found myself getting into the sonics of the beats and looping and stuff, whereas before we didn’t need to do that. We had Danny, who was a great drummer. When you’re using programming, it’s a whole different approach to writing which has naturally changed the sound.

How does it feel to be touring as a solo artist?

There are actually four of us touring this album, including my brother Charlie on keys and loops, so I’m not completely on my own.

It’s a really great set up; we all get on really well. It’s sounding amazing live, which is good!

Do you ever feel frustrated that Supergrass is something you are never going to be able to leave behind?

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Not really. I’m extremely proud of what we did. I’ve been trying not to look back and live in the moment with what I’m doing now, but when I have those moments, usually after a few drinks in a pub where I’m talking to people, I start reminiscing and it’s incredible, the experiences and situations we got into; Stuff that really shaped my life, like the first US tour in ’95. As a 17 year old on a big bus travelling around America, there’s nothing better. I have very fond memories of Supergrass and fans have been really good about this new record – I haven’t had too many people shouting for ‘Alright’ on this tour, I’m quite surprised!

We battled a lot when we were younger, but there’s that magic age of about 15 or 16 when any older siblings start to see you as an actual human being and that’s what happened with me. When I turned 15 and started playing in bands, my older brothers began to think that I was cool. That’s when the real friendships started. It was the same with my younger brother, Charlie. Up until the age of 14 he was just my little brother, but when he started to become a great musician, he was a cool dude all of a sudden. Charlie is like a best friend, in a sense. I feel really happy I can say that about my brother.

THE THING I FIND INTERESTING Do you ever talk to each other about your problems ABOUT MUSIC, ASIDE FROM THE and stuff like that?

Sort of. We’re still blokes LYRICS, IS HOW EMOTIVE IT CAN BE about it, so we probably don’t talk as much as we should.

AND HOW A PIECE OF MUSIC CAN It’s reassuring to know that they’re there. You want to MAKE YOU CRY. make the most of everybody

A lot of people connect on an emotional level with songs. Some men find it easier to express themselves through lyrics than talking face-to-face.

Honesty in lyrics can be really effective….

The thing I find interesting about music, aside from the lyrics, is how emotive it can be and how a piece of music can make you cry. The power in that is insane and if you combine it with the right lyric then it can be really poignant. I was really unsure about my latest single, ‘White Noise’, going on the album because it’s quite personal and direct. Lyrically it’s trying to get through to someone but you’re struggling to do it. I don’t want to be moaning about shit, but then I thought ‘fuck it, it’s just honest.’ We all have times where we can’t work it out - what’s wrong with saying that in a song?

in your life and not take anyone for granted which can easily happen – especially with people you love. You have to make an effort.

What’s the best Christmas present you’ve ever had?

I got a 4 track recorder in 1992. On Boxing Day, I went up to my room and wrote ‘Wait for the Sun’ on

You still live in the village you grew up in. Has retaining these solid roots helped you stay grounded?

I think it was really important early on. There was the possibility, being the age I was when we started, of losing the plot and getting carried away. My family were always there to keep me together, whether it was my girlfriend or my parents, brothers or uncles and aunties – they all helped me psychologically to not lose it. Maybe it was rooted to my childhood, about the concern of letting people down or something…

You’re one of four brothers. How was that when you were growing up? thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

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it. I think I wrote ‘Richard III’, and numerous others, on that 4 track, so it was a pretty important present.

What advice would you give a 16 year old wanting to start a band?

I’ve always been a bit wary of advice, but I’d say do it how I did it – playing A LOT, do a lot of shows, and try to be as true as you can. Don’t fall for the latest sylistic trend, or whatever, just find your own sound. When Supergrass started we got in a room together and just played. Danny’s cymbals were so loud I had to turn my guitar up, so then Mick had to turn up his bass, and the punky early Supergrass sound was born. Similarly, with my solo album I just went into the studio and started making noises with nothing in mind. With music, you have to be so instinctive.

Do you feel that your best work is still to come?

Can’t see any reason why not. I’ve shown myself, over the past year writing this record, that there is no shortage of freshness and energy I can bring to something. I don’t feel jaded or tired by any of it. I’m not 18 any more, but I feel great.

So what’s next?

I’m still touring into 2013 – I’d like to tour in the US so we’re in the middle of working that out, and possibly Australia in March. Lots more touring, basically.

I’d love to do a collaboration album. Maybe get James Blake and Alt J to do something? Jack White?

Who knows!? I’d like to work on some soundtracks too, I have tons of material for that sort of thing.

Do you have a track or album guaranteed to make you feel better when things are shit? ‘África Brasil’ by Jorge Ben. It’s a Brazilian party album from the mid 70’s. It’s a great record, with all the Brazilian African rhythms and female backing vocals.

His voice is so warm and welcoming. It always lifts me up. I get pleasure from feeling sad from music as well, if that makes sense. I like to feel moved. I was 12 when I first heard The Beach Boys’ ‘Pet Sounds’. Whilst listening to the record, I started reading all the sleeve notes about Dennis [Wilson’s] tragic life and Brian’s neuroses and I burst into tears. When something is so troubled yet so beautiful, it’s an amazing thing.

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What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

I used to worry a lot when I was a kid and I remember my Dad saying to me to try not to end up like his dad, my granddad. He died an unhappy man, so I always remember that when I find myself becoming too self aware or worrying too much. It’s a cliché, but life’s short and you have to grab it while you can. There can be an odd comfort in being down, which can turn into a familiarity. Then you realise that you’re getting into patterns that are hard to shake. Feeling low can be a very familiar friend, in a twisted way, but it’s about not allowing it to take hold.

Do you have one rule for living life?

I wish I did. I’m still trying to work it out…

Gaz Coombes presents…Here Come The Bombs is out now on iTunes. www.gazcoombes.com

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WHAT MEN DO A Guy’s Guide To Christmas

Christmas is a needy fucker.

I’m sat here in the middle of October writing a piece about Christmas. Christmas displays are already popping up in the shops, very soon the town lights will go up and the countdown has begun: only 10 weeks till Christmas!

This is supposedly a joyous, happy time of year and yet I’m already getting pissed off with it. 10 weeks till Christmas? Good, I’ve got shit to do.

“But its Christmas!” everyone screams, “Aren’t you excited? Don’t you want that time to fly by?” No I don’t.

That’s almost a fifth of the year, why would I want it to fly by? It’s insanity.

You may be surprised to learn that I often get called a Scrooge around Christmas. It’s not that I don’t enjoy a party, and if you’re having a piss up always count me in. It’s just that I find the whole thing so false and I can’t understand why everyone seems to lose their senses for a month, if not longer.

It seems like real life goes on holiday and unreality becomes the norm. You’re skint - don’t worry about it, it’s Christmas. You’re girlfriend’s just left you - don’t worry about it, it’s Christmas. You feel like shit - don’t worry about it, it’s Christmas!

It seems unreal and childish. It’s like the teenager who spills red wine on the carpet at a house-party and rearranges the furniture in the hope that Mummy won’t notice. That isn’t how real life works.

Real life doesn’t go away just because it’s Christmas.

If you’ve had a really shitty September to November, the very thought of facing the Christmas period can be unbearable. All the happy smiling faces of people filled with Christmas spirit have the negative effect of reminding you that you are not. Your mates seem less interested, and also have less time, to be there to support you when you’re down - and anyway, you don’t want to ruin their celebrations with your moping. It can be very tempting to throw in the towel.

If this sounds familiar then you may be surprised to learn that you have also been sucked in to the unreality of Christmas. “How can that be?” I hear you shout, “I’m fucking miserable, the unreality of Christmas is all happy-happy!”

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The unreality here is that you don’t want to ruin your friend’s Christmas, as if this festive period is somehow more important than life itself. It’s as if the Christmas period is some kind of happy bubble, and any negative talk will burst it and the world will come crashing down.

But looking at it rationally, the reality is you’re using Christmas as an excuse to hide behind, rather than talking to your mates about what’s wrong. If you really think about it, surely your mates would prefer to be with you and help you gain some form of happiness, rather than partying in ignorance of your torment.

Crying on his shoulder won’t ruin your mate’s Christmas.

Leaving him with a lifetime of guilt, thinking he should and could have been there for you more – that’ll ruin more than just his Christmas.

Christmas is simply a party like any other, so if you don’t feel like joining in, don’t; that’s ok. It’s like anything else in life; you should do what you want to do, not follow the crowd. I know this is easier said than done at this time of year, but it becomes easier once you realise that pretty much everything to with Christmas is false - it’s just a big game of make-believe.

For example, think about the Christmas giving of gifts.

At WMD we place huge importance on giving being far more rewarding and fulfilling than taking. Giving is an integral part of WMD. But in WMD terms, Christmas giving becomes largely meaningless, as it isn’t through choice but through obligation that gifts are swapped. Surely giving carries more weight when it’s in the middle of the year and you see something you know your

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friend would like and so you buy it for him.

Family members always ask me what I want for Christmas. I find this such a backwards way of giving.

Giving requires meaningful thought and caring for the person you are buying for – if they tell you what to buy, where is the meaning in that? It’s the same as receiving a cheque. There’s zero thought in the gift.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful and I know I’m very lucky to be given things at Christmas, but sometimes I can’t quieten the voice at the back of my mind which says, ‘have you given me this because you want to give me something, or is this just a result of cultural obligation?’

I’m not saying we shouldn’t celebrate Christmas, I just think it’s ridiculous the way everyone seems to lose all sense of perspective.

Am I just being a Scrooge? Maybe. But if you find yourself struggling to get in to the Christmas Spirit, don’t think you’re weird as you won’t be the only one.

Remember, December is just a month of the year like any other so if it feels like shit, don’t worry; another month will be along soon and maybe you’ll enjoy that one more.

And anyway, when looked at through rational, ‘outside of Christmas’ eyes – whether like me writing this in October, or in January when it’s all blown over – the whole things just a little bit silly. We need to remind ourselves that what’s important is what’s real.

Buy What Men Do: A Guys Guide To Becoming A Hero at www.whatmendo.co.uk

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THE AMBASSADORS RECEPTION Introducing….Jack Rooke At CALM we have a band of merry men and women who are proud to call themselves Ambassadors for our campaign. But who the hell are they??

Tell us about yourself…

I’m Jack Rooke, also known as Jackamo, and I’m a standup poet in the Early Doors poetry collective.

This summer we had our first ever tour around the UK, performing at festivals from Bestival to Edinburgh Fringe. I’m also the presenter and editor of Roundhouse Radio’s flagship magazine show, RoundUp where we delve into the cultural and creative happenings around the capital and beyond.

Why did you get involved with CALM? I got involved with CALM mainly because of the campaign, which is to prevent young guys living miserable lives. It’s an issue that runs heavily throughout my poetry and, after having experienced a close death and having friends lose loved ones to suicide, I believe a service like CALM is needed in the UK. What makes the charity stand out is that they really understand young men, without relying on stereotypes and clichés. They recognise the realistic, every day and long-term reasons why so many young guys are struggling today. And this is why CALM is such an intelligent, funny and open charity. They campaign in a way that is accessible yet credible and for an important cause that can be changed.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

I’ve been given a lot of good advice, but I always stupidly forget it, which is probably saying

something in itself. So I’d say: “Write down good advice, act on it and, if it works, remember it!”

What is your ‘lifesaver’ track guaranteed to make you feel better when things are tough?

CALM, I can’t pick ONE song! That’s too hard. So here is my iTunes playlist, a six-track ‘lifesaver’ EP: Corinne Bailey Rae - The Sea, King Creosote & Jon Hopkins - Bubble, The Levellers - One Way, Santigold - Your Voice, The Clash - Rock The Casbah and M.I.A. - Paper Planes. A gunshot chorus is actually pretty uplifting!

What is your one rule for living life?

“There’s only one way of life, and thats your own” The Levellers. It’s just about feeling you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it, and when people fire cheap shots at you, just use them in a positive way.

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By Lisa Balderson

THERAPY: a word that sends shivers down the spine of many a grown man. If somebody said to you ‘Have you ever

considered therapy?’ let’s be honest, the likely response would be either defensive, embarrassed or an attempt to pretend that they are addressing the person next to you and nod along in agreement.

Admittedly, for anyone, therapy can appear to be quite daunting.

You are asked to sit in a room with a complete stranger and tell them things that you’ve never even told your best mate.

Nothankyouverymuch. So, imagine the excitement when an American therapist, Dr Gary Solomon, realised the healing properties of films (only in America right?!). In all seriousness, Solomon hit upon something that would be far more accessible and comfortable to far more people, not to mention a whole load cheaper than paying for a therapist. Without even trying, the humble film (ok, they aren’t all humble, most of them cost more to make than the GDP of entire island nations. Even the shit ones), can illicit a whole range of emotions in its audience. That’s why we go to the cinema, after all. Solomn’s cinema therapy, however, goes a bit deeper than that.

Do you remember the first film you ever saw? Has a film ever made you cry or laugh out loud? Of course they have. Have you ever stopped to think a little deeper about the reasons behind why that might have been? Has a film ever inspired you so much, left you so fired up, that you want to tell absolutely everyone to go and see it?

Watching films in a more mindful way can help the viewer access deeper layers of consciousness and help them to see things differently. Observing a situation, rather than being part of it, can help the viewer take a step back. Since the viewer isn’t the character involved, they are able to be less invested and able to be more objective. It’s not rocket science.

Choosing the right film is important (and the right film will most likely come down to personal choice, so have a good think about what you chose and what you are hoping to gain from the whole process).

Here are a few ideas: Perhaps today wasn’t your day; everything from missing the

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bus and spilling coffee down your shirt to walking around with your flies undone and stepping in something nasty on the way home. Sound familiar? Then laughter is the way to go. It is scientifically proven that laughter helps relieve stress, so why not take a break from your day from hell, and settle down with a comedy classic (you don’t necessarily need to take away a life lesson from these movies, just let them help you laugh out loud) Try: This Is Spinal Tap, Anchorman, The Hangover, Superbad, Blazing Saddles Maybe your day has been so bad that you need a good cry to help release those pent up emotions, and what better excuse than to weep away at a film that tugs at every string of your heart.

Try: Once Upon a Time in America, Life Is Beautiful, E.T., It’s a Wonderful Life, The Champ After the kind of day that leaves you emotionally and physically drained, you may need a little inspiration to pick you back up. Why not try these pick me ups: Try: Rocky, Forrest Gump, Shawshank Redemption, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, Sideways Struggling to communicate with somebody? Partner, colleague, friend or family member?

Try: Revolutionary Road, Up in the Air, Annie Hall, Blue Valentine Whatever the issue, you are sure to find a film to suit.

So now you’ve picked your film and you are ready to settle into your first cinema therapy session. Try to relax, concentrate on your breathing; breath in and out slowly (yes, seriously, stick with me on this) and let go of any tension. Are you sitting comfortably? Then, let’s begin. Try and stay focussed on your reactions to the film’s narrative and avoid analysing the content while watching. When the film has finished think back: were there changes in your breathing during the film? If so, can you remember when this happened and what was happening on the screen? It’s likely that your reactions to the film will be similar to your reactions in life. If you found something uncomfortable in the film, how did you feel about the characters reaction to it?

Did they handle the situation well? Is their behaviour something that you might like to emulate yourself? (Probably best not to be watching Avengers Assemble or Bronson when looking for behaviour to model your own on). Did the film echo a situation in your own life and were you able to respond to the situation in a different way, by observing it, rather than being part of it?

Sometimes it’s helpful to write things down after watching, so that you can think more clearly and refer back to your thoughts and feelings.

Cinema therapy is not a cure all, and is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is merely a tool that can be used as and when some of the little things in life (and sometimes the not so little) are getting you down. Give it a go. What’s the worst that can happen? Well, you could pick Titanic, I suppose…

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A word from our cover artist: “My work is predominately self exploratory, using my own traumatic experiences as a central pivot for streams of subconscious imagery to flow from, I attempted to construct seemingly dark or morbid subject matter to appear beautiful. It feels natural for me to express these harrowing happenings through art work.

The process of drawing images based on these past experiences, acts as a release and allows a period of time in which I can immerse myself fully in deep reflection. I’ve developed my own visual language in which I use a heavy repetition of symbolic imagery, reminiscent of the techniques used by more traditional artists. Anatomy reoccurs frequently, stemming from a childhood obsession with road kill, I’ve always been fascinated with the unfamiliar textures of internal organs and integrate this into my work as a constant theme. The drawings I produce are the concealment of explored experience, they are a combination of forms amalgamated to create the abstract.

I was raised by the seaside. Live in a peanut factory. Have an uncontrollable desire to be better at anything than anyone. Im addicted to chess. I always wear two pairs of socks. My favourite animal is a bat. When I grew older I wanted to be an artist or the 5th Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.” www.danielginns.com

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OH CHRISTMAS A Poem By Oh Standfast

Christmas Eve: Down town kebaby Christmas Day: Downton Abbey Nan got lost in the freezer aisle Turkey flavored custard by Blumenthal Novelty coloured socks again Baileys on the rocks times ten Uncle Bob and his lead pipe innuendo Ruining an innocent game of Cluedo Supermarket own brand aftershave What you got was more expensive than what you gave Wallace and Gromit A voucher for Comet Cold meat sandwiches Those awkward silences Jars of pickled onions Chocolates for the youn’uns Monopoly next, then Kerplunk Bloody Nora, Nora’s drunk Endless repeats Endless repeats Endless repeats Endless repeats Sprouts. @standfasttweet

CALM COMPETITION Everyone loves a T-Shirt, right? Right. Well, that’s just the tip of the iceberg for this issue’s CALM competition prize. Win a great big CALM goodie bag replete with such juicy treats as a copy of the awesome Thirty One Songs album featuring the likes of Elbow, Delphic, Mr Scruff and some bloke called Noel Gallagher, our awesome new SAVE THE MALE Tee, as well as a healthy dose of guitar picks, badges, key rings and back issues.

Because you’re worth it……

To get your hands on this priceless bundle of goodies answer this simple question (the answer is somewhere in this issue): Q: What is the name Gaz Coombes’ latest album?

Send us your answer either via our Facebook page, or email your answer to editor@thecalmzone.net and we will pick a winner at random. Competition closes Feb 1st 2013. The winner will be notified after this date via email. www.facebook.com/thecalmzone

My seven year old son has found God, in a big way.

The other day we were making some bread together and I’d given him his own lump of dough to fashion into a loaf of whatever shape he wanted (I should point out that this is not a regular activity but he’d asked so that’s how we were spending a rainy Saturday morning).

He first wanted to make a plait, then some rolls but that turned very quickly into a loaf in the shape of Jesus on the cross. I’ve included a photo of the wholemeal saviour for your viewing pleasure.

From chatting with other fathers about this, it would appear that such God love starts at about this age and, casting my mind back, I can remember a similar slavish devotion to the lord when I was about the same age. I loved (read: was terrified) of him so much that I remember thinking he lived at the bottom of my bed and wouldn’t let me in, like some kind of celestial bad tempered nightclub bouncer. Over the years, that early unquestioning faith gave way to my more inquisitive nature. I started to find it odd that people believed in something that provided absolutely no evidence of its existence. Also, why no mention of the internet or dinosaurs in any religious texts. They are pretty cool creations and if I’d made them I’d have been banging on about them on virtually every page.

“And God said, ‘Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.’ And then God filmed the birds and lo did he put them on YouTube. ‘Damn’, he quothed stroking his beard. ‘That is some funny shit.’”

GENESIS 24(b) Basically, what I’m saying is that I am an atheist. My faith is no more. It has kicked the bucket, shuffled of this mortal coil and run down the curtain. It is an exfaith. If you have a particular flavour of religion ,then

think about how you feel about Gods of other varieties.

That’s how I feel about all Gods. So the prospect of my son becoming more religious than a Sir Cliff/Thora Hird lovechild was something I was finding a bit tricky to accept. Then I remembered something important.

Your kid is not you. They are their own person. A person that you can guide and advise, but whose thoughts and ideas are their own. In all probability they’ll do the opposite of whatever you tell them anyway, just to piss you off. That’s what kids are like.

Frankly, there is definitely something more tasty about bread that has been fashioned into religious iconography because, with a few knobs of butter, the Christ Child cob loaf was a sensation. Mmmmm, sacrilicious.

You can follow Frazzled Daddy on Twitter @FRAZZLEDDADDY

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“The ultimate Manchester playlist”

“Manchester’s...best ever collection”

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THIRTY ONE OUT NOW AVAILABLE NOW IN ALL GOOD RECORD STORES IN CD & DIGITAL FORMATS AT WWW.THIRTYONESONGS.COM

All profits to CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) CALM & The Factory Foundation thanks: Cestrian / Creative Lynx / HMV / LOVE Creative / Revolution (vodka bars)

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we b

Go to www.thecalmzone.net for features, opinion, forums and competitions to keep you busy until the next issue of CALMzine. Plus find out how you can get involved with the Campaign Against Living Miserably.

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Everyman by chris sav

.. .

CALMZINE

NEEDS YOU

Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website.

What’s your obsession, your passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview?

We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work could be on our website and in these very pages.

Get in touch with Rachel at: editor@thecalmzone.net

Rock n Roll’s Lyrical Heroes

Adi Parige lists his favourite rock lyricists….

John Lennon

All these places have their moments/With lovers and friends I still can recall/Some are dead and some are living/ In my life I’ve loved them all - In My Life Why should I even bother with this one? There’s already a unanimous recognition that Lennon is by far the best songwriter of not only his generation, but possibly of all time. Trying to choose a lyric for this musical maestro was as easy as stapling water to a tree. There’s ‘Happiness Is A Warm Gun’; his nonsense filled ‘I Am the Walrus; or his eerie dream song, Julia. ‘In My Life’ was chosen because it defines Lennon’s personality perfectly. Lennon’s personal life is an important thing to consider in order to fully understand the sentiment of his songs. Posthumous mutterings have shrouded his personality in darkness with talk of harshness and drug addiction, and that’s why I love ‘In My Life’. To a 19 year old who can barely remember George Harrison’s death, I grew up in the era of the Lennon rumour mill.

Lennon was already a legend way before I was born.

‘In My Life’ allows Lennon to speak directly to me and tell me that, yeah, his life had its ups and downs, but at the end of the day he didn’t flash that peace sign in vain.

Jack White

Walk with me, Suzy Lee/through the park and by the tree/we will rest upon the ground/and look at all the bugs we found/then safely walk to school/ without a sound - We’re Going To Be Friends I’ve seen Jack White perform twice this year. Why? Because I want to be able to tell my grandchildren I saw the Jimi Hendrix of my generation. The guy is a mindblowing guitarist and one of the few artists upholding true blues tradition, by chucking away the set list and losing it on stage. But there’s more to Jack White than his guitar. He’s an intensely underrated lyricist. One of my favourite White Stripes songs is ‘We’re Going to Be Friends’. Childhood love is one of the hardest feelings to retain as adulthood slowly takes over. But as eccentric as he is, there is something pure and sincere about Jack White. His rawness allows him to reach into areas most songwriters fear to tread. I cannot think of anyone, besides maybe Lennon, who writes so candidly about childhood. White’s other songs, such as ‘I Think I Smell A Rat’ and ‘Hello Operator’ show a completely different side of him, the more familiar ratchet voiced side. But rock and roll posturing aside, White is one of the most sincere and passionate lyricists around.

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.

Alex Turner

And do you look in to the mirror to remind yourself you’re there/or have somebody’s goodnight kisses got that covered?/When I’m not being honest I pretend that you were just some lover - Love is a Laserquest

Bob Dylan

In 2006, with the release of his first band’s debut album, Alex Turner was hailed as a lyrical genius with a talent for effortlessly capturing the essence of adolescent angst. The Arctic Monkeys went on to release four albums, in which Alex’s songwriting toyed with psychedelic desert rock, classic love serenades, and, more recently, greased up, sexed up, rock n’ roll. His ability to get into your head and paint a vivid picture makes him the king of location writing.

‘Love is a Laserquest’ is an odd choice to use as an example, since it’s from their fourth and least commercially successful album, ‘Suck It and See’, but not many songwriters show growth over time.

Turner does exactly that. It’s country-esque lyrics dig into anyone who’s ever had a lost love. He’s only 26 years old, so we can only imagine what future gold is in store from Sheffield’s lyrical answer to Leonard Cohen.

Bob Dylan was the first musician to epitomise the phrase ‘voice of a generation’. Not only did he speak his mind, along with many of the young adults in the 1960s, but he also spoke from his heart. Sounds a bit cheesy, but the combination of the two produced some of the greatest heartfelt and inspirational songs of that era. In the above lyric from ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ he aced the lost feeling many young men had at the time. His songs of protest and unity provided the soundtrack for possibly the most important era where rock music met politics head on.

Kurt Cobain

Underneath the bridge, the tarp has sprung a leak/And the animals I’ve trapped, have all become my pets/ And I’m living off of grass and the drippings from the ceiling/ But it’s okay to eat fish, cause they don’t have any feelings - ‘Something in the Way’ Scary good. How else do you explain the crazy passion and blunt, but beautiful lyrics of the man who got too successful for his own good? His lyrics still connect with teenagers to this day, almost 20 years after his death, because Cobain taps into the universal angst experienced so viscerally by so many of us. Nirvana entered the scene at a time when

How many roads must a man walk down/Before you call him a man? - Blowin’ in the Wind

poodle haired rock was heaving its last gasps and wasn’t offering anything of value to the masses. It was fun and mindless, but the music world needed something real and Nirvana’s timing couldn’t have been better. Cobain’s ‘fuck the phonies’ attitude in Nevermind proved to be a musical Catcher in the Rye and caught the music industry and music fans with its pants down. It takes courage to be so candid about one’s life and Cobain definitely did that. ‘Something in the Way’ is such a sad song and is, in my opinion, one of the scariest songs I’ve heard. Cobain claimed to have lived under a bridge, pre-Nirvana, and knowing that, the lyrics put you in a beautifully horrible place. He had the phenomenal gift of talking straight to the dark angst ridden depths of a whole generation, and will hopefully continue to do so for generations to come.

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I like to think I’m a reasonable kinda guy – well, unless you’re annoying the piss out of me on the tube, bringing your screaming baby to a quiet coffee house, listening to your music through speakers rather than headphones, talking loudly and ostentatiously into your mobile about your trip to Paris, steaming your bike through red lights or along the pavement or simply just being a pretentious red-trouser wearing hipster who thinks they’re better than everyone else simply because your trousers don’t touch the top of your shoes. Okay, so I’m reasonable-ish.

However, there’s one thing that really boils my piss. And it’s everywhere. Mayonnaise.

At what point in its fetid, vile, salty life did the meeting happen at which mayo was given the status of condiment-in-residence? Whenever it was, when time-travel becomes a reality I’m heading right back to that point, armed with a shotgun to shoot it down. When was its sheer arrogance (I don’t use the word lightly) allowed to come to the fore and allow it to dictate how sandwiches and sauces are made? You don’t automatically shovel mustard, pickle, or horseradish into sandwiches – why bloody mayo?

What’s worse is the way it has been allowed to infiltrate our lives and our lunches. Why should I have to explicitly ask ‘none of that shit in the sarnie please’ when ordering a bap, when did it become opt-out for fucks sake? And what’s wrong with not liking it – ask for “no mayo, no butter” and the deli-owner looks at me like I just asked for her mum’s mobile number for phone sex.

It’s mayo’s attitude which annoys me as much as, if not more than, (to be honest), the taste. It assumes it will improve a sandwich or a salad. “Oh, you want chicken and some sweetcorn? You mean chicken, sweetcorn and mayonnaise, surely?” No, I mean I want chicken, and I want sweetcorn. Two things, not three; especially not two lovely things and one vile arrogant sauce straight from a factory run by Satan’s little wizards.

And it fucking LURKS too. Like a horrid, salty, white lurky thing. There, right there, at the bottom of the salad bowl that looks nice from above, hidden underneath lettuce, infiltrating EVERYTHING the moment I stick a fork in. It’s the same for pre-packed sarnies too – there it is, lying just on top of the lush, meaty filling, between it and the now soggy, gooey bread where once a joyous crusty bit of bloomer once lay.

So join me, join me please in a condiment jihad. We must rise against the tyranny – the sheer bloody tyranny – of mayonnaise and claim back our baguettes, our bloomers and our baked potatoes with chicken and sweetcorn. If we don’t we have failed humanity, and we have failed ourselves. I for one won’t be able to sleep at night if that happens.

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Do you have something you want to rant about?

Send 300 words to editor@thecalmzone.net thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline London: 0808 8025858 Outside london: 0800 58 58 58

Q: I grew a tache for Movember and I get a lot more attention from da laydeez because of it. I’m tempted to keep it but my mates say it makes me look like a twat. Ladies or mates, whaddya reckon?

Chaz, Ealing A: Are you mad, mate? Are you seriously demented in the Thinking House? YOU HAVE A FOOLPROOF WAY TO GET FEMALE ATTENTION AND YOU’RE LETTING ‘MEN’ GET IN THE WAY? A bit of face garden ruin their clean little boyband look, does it? MY FRIEND! Tend that tache and when you get tired of swimming in joyous arm candy, you shave and go say hi to your ‘mates.’

Q: My girlfriend and I have just had a kid and everything’s great but I can’t help thinking that he looks like cross between Winston Churchill and a deflated rugby ball. Am I the worse dad ever?

Bobby, Islington A: Bah. I looked like a Decepticon mid-transformation when I was born. That’s just babies, innit.

There is nothing wrong with admitting you and your partner’s collective genes may have shat up an ugly duckling, but you know what? Either that duckling’s gonna grow into a swan or you will get used to loving an ugly duck. Or you’re vain, and in that case, find a lemon, act like a Dyson and suck.

Q: I’m gay and have been out and proud for a long time. However, recently I’ve started fancying my lesbian friends. This opens up a whole world of complicated shit. WTF should I do?

Davey,Tooting A: Dude, this is easy. Date a lesbian! Or a Les-BI-an! Have drinks. Talk shop. Have sex. See how you feel the next day. In the end, life is too short to worry if your partner’s got a penis or uses Venus. You love em? Yaybones, stick with em. Til then, you got 365 nights in a year. Use them wisely and widely (and with protection).

Q: I’m an Arsenal fan, which means I cry myself to sleep most nights. Any advice on how I can carry on being a Gooner, facing defeat week after week?

Charlie, Epping A:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA.Alright, sooooo HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay I’m done now…

Q: What would you like for Christmas?

Doug, Isle Of Dogs A: 1. Mercury award nomination for either of my projects Maze Hill or Benin City.

2. For everyone who reads this to check out the projects above (plug plug pluggin’!)

3. Beats By Dr Dre 4. Peace on mutha fookin urrrth.

Do you have a question for JOSH Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net

NOTE: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker.

However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.wordpress.com If you need professional advice, call the london CALMzone helpline on 0808 802 5858.

Outside london call: 0800 585858

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weekends matter with skiddle

For the latest gig and clubbing news, lineups and of course the cheapest tickets go to skiddle.com Plan your weekend with skiddle:

skiddle.com/whats-on

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