CALMzine by SASP

www.thecalmzone.net Charity reg no. 1110621

calm

contents

Greetings.

MANifesto .................................................... 5. What is Cool? .............................................. 6. Fashion ......................................................... 8. Inner Life ...................................................... 10. The Gamers’ Defence .................................. 12. Kissy Sell Out interview .............................. 14. LARPing .........................................................19. Art Show Nikki Pinder ................................. 22. Competition ................................................. 25. Frazzled Daddy ........................................... 26. 2 Second Interview ..................................... 37. The Rant ...................................................... 32. Dear Josh .................................................... 34.

As the great Nile Rodgers didn’t say but should have: ‘Le geek, c’est chic.’ That’s right, folks - geeks are cool and in recognition of this misquote we have purposefully manipulated in order to fit our agenda, this issue of CALMzine is all about the wonderful world of Nerdism. Geekery has moved on a long way since the days of gaining automatic entry into the Nerd Squad purely by virtue of the fact you wear glasses on your pasty face. These days dorks come in all shapes and sizes. Some have 20:20 vision, some have perfect skin, some venture outside, some are girls, for gawd’s sake! There is a definite geek revolution on the cards (hipsters be damned) so let’s not be shy - we’re all nursing a plethora of painfully dorky skeletons in our collective closets, but hide them no more! We must revel shamelessly in our Star Wars figurine collections; boldly celebrate our passion for Open Source Operating Systems; Feel proud in the knowledge we can quote The Princess Bride from start to finish. Nerds of the world, unite! Join us in our uprising, comrades, for remember: The geek shalt inherit the earth! In this issue: The joys of LARPing by Alix ‘She’s a’ Fox, electro god Kissy Sell Out gets all sweaty about quantum theory, Art Show illustrations from Nikki Pinder and Drew Gepp presents The Gamers Defence. We also have all the regular shiz from Frazzled Daddy, Dear Josh and our Obsessionalistas (a call out to all you Warhammer & Star Trek fans), as well as The Rant, our CALM competition and a whole load more, so what are you waiting for? Give your joystick a rest for a second and get reading.

CREDITS Editor: Rachel Clare Creative Director: Philip Levine Original Design: Joey Graham Cover Art: Nikki Pinder Original Concept: Jamie Scahill CALM Charity Director: Jane Powell CALM Co-ordinators: Simon Howes, Dan Taylor, Lindsey Bezzina, Jamie Scahill Contributors: Martin Cordiner, Chris Owen, Matt Brown, Rachel Clare, Alix Fox, Andy Naylor, Drew Gepp, Joshua Idehen, Dan Bell, Inua Ellams, Sean O’Neill, Majestic, Christie Eardley. Feature Photographer: Daniel Regan Thanks to Topman for their support

Want to advertise with us?

Contact: lindseybezzina@thecalmzone.net

CALMzine is the first port of call for all your manspiration needs. We all have issues at the end of the day, so what do you want to talk about? Who do you want us to talk to? We want to hear from YOU. Email us your ideas and views at editor@thecalmzone.net If you want the hard stuff, go to the CALM website: www.thecalmzone.net or follow us on twitter @CALMzine

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline: 0808 8025858

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

know I’ve broken the back of winter when the remnants of Christmas start to fade. Brandy Butter and other ungodly combinations skulk away from shop shelves and as resolutions break, normality seems to return. The distinction between one year and the next seems superficial, but the annual, self-fulfilling feelings of contemplation and celebration snowball as pubs sell mulled wine, and Christmas parties dissolve in the face of plans for New Year’s Eve.

IS JARVIS COCKER COOL? I THOUGHT MOONING AT THAT MICHAEL JACKSON THING WAS A BIT SHIT, BUT HIS MUSIC’S ALL RIGHT, AND HE DRESSES WELL.

‘Best of ’ lists and ‘Top 10s’ are another seasonal fixture that melt away as January marches on. Back in November though, it was NME’s 10 coolest people, and particularly Jarvis Cocker, that got me thinking.

I have limited knowledge. The people I think are cool are mates. Not all of them, and noone you’ve heard of, and this I think is a common, if not universal, feeling.

Now, I certainly don’t want to rail against NME. They have to sell magazines, and this is achieved in part by reflecting and directing the interests of their loyal and aspirational readers. A top 10 list is an obvious form of this, but no different really from a stellar review. Further, I don’t want to single them out. Their list is no more misleading than a lads’ mag’s view of the ‘50 hottest girls’, or more destructive than a newspaper’s ‘top 10 books of the year’. Recognising that these lists are a means of selling a product is important. Wanting to emulate Titus Honor because NME thinks he’s cool is engaging in a dangerous form of unreality, in which one tries to live as a persona filtered away from the public sphere.

It started at school, where cool was different. At 14/15 the rugby team were the cool guys, untouchable. I didn’t play rugby, but fell into a group who liked music, Spurs, writing, and talking shit; a group who didn’t care that they were satellites. By the time we hit 16/17 there was a creeping realisation that a passable hand-to-eye co-ordination was not sufficient to elevate someone to the upper echelons of cooldom. With knowing nods, and reduced brashness, our group – and the others – folded into acceptance. Since that point, cool for me has meant a comfort in yourself, the preferment of convictions over conformity, respect, the ability to laugh at oneself, and above all the philosophy of live and let live. That is unless someone’s being a dick of course, in which case they need to be told that what they’re doing is really not cool.

There’s another problem though; I just don’t agree with them. Not because I think soand-so is way cooler, but because I have no grounds to make the judgement.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

navy carlos beanie hat £10

blue snowdrop print shirt £26

ORANGE LIGHTWEIGHT KAGOOL £50

NAVY COTTON SKINNY CHINOS £28

WASHED BLACK STRIPE T-SHIRT £16

BURGUNDY STRETCH SKINNY JEAN £36

WHITE SQUARE PATTERN CREW TEE £16

“SCOUT CHUKKA” BOOT £24

navy canvas ranger rucksack £32 NAVY ‘’MYSTERY’’ CHUNKY PLIMSOLlS £22

that addiction causes.

INNER LIFE: I’M CHRIS AND I’M AN ALCOHOLIC By Chris Owen

Okay, let’s get the cliché out of the way first – ‘my name’s Chris, and I’m an alcoholic’. Secondly, let’s be clear, this is not going to be a tirade about the frustrating, irresponsible, naïve and archaic public perception of alcoholism – that’s for another article, another time. It would also be hypocritical to come out swinging the liberal banner and denouncing all those who misunderstand the illness of addiction – as until two years ago I was probably within the naïve and ignorant camp. “I can’t be an alcoholic,” I thought, “I drink Pinot noir” - alcoholics drink cider, piss themselves and sleep in bus shelters. It was the shame of being labelled that I was avoiding. Interestingly, it is this shame which is the first thing to get knocked out of you in rehab – addicts are not bad people trying to be good, we’re very ill people trying to get, and stay, well. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic as there was (and is) such a stigma to it. Nice, well brought

up middle class boys with wonderful families don’t get alcoholism, they just enjoy a glass of red every so often – except for me it was a good few bottles of red, and it was daily. However, two years ago I went into a West London treatment centre, after years of (halfhearted) trying (and failing) to beat my addiction. I remember the phone call from my dad – my dear, sweet, infinitely patient and supportive dad – the evening he suggested I go into rehab. More than anything I remember the incredible relief it brought. This was not the first time help was suggested, but previously I had dismissed the suggestion; I didn’t need it; I had a stressful job and red wine got me through – rehab is for celebrities necking bottles of vodka and whiskey each day. But that evening I just felt that, finally, I had had enough and wanted out, I wanted my life back and I wanted to stop causing so much pain to everyone around me as well as myself. Most of all I wanted to stop the daily, incessant, unrelenting, violently debilitating mental agony

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline: 0808 8025858

It’s this smothering sense of utter exhaustion which was the worst element of my addiction (along with the cavalcade of mental illnesses long associated – severe depression, anxiety, heart problems, plus in my case, alcoholinduced epilepsy). The exhaustion is not just physical; sure, Thatcher ran the country on four hours sleep a night (which was all I was often grabbing), but she wasn’t knocking back three bottles of red beforehand, and she certainly wasn’t having ‘just one more glass’ at 1.00am in front of the icehockey. I don’t even like icehockey nor know how it is played, but I’ve watched so much for the sake of one extra glass it’s ludicrous.

how annoyed I got at his trousers – if we were put together, I’d have to admit why I couldn’t work with him: the agency would think I was insane; they’d fire me; I’d get a reputation; no-one would hire me; leave London as I couldn’t afford my rent; move back in, aged thirty, with my parents; and get a dead-end job. I’d die grumpy, churlish, miserable and alone. And all because of Paul’s fucking stupid trousers. The only thing to calm the 200mph train bombing through my mind constantly with a glass of red after work. Or two... or ten. It was an INSANE way to live.

The mental exhaustion is almost impossible to describe. It was like being stuck in a room with a hundred TVs on full volume.

The mental exhaustion is almost impossible to describe. It was like being stuck in a room with a hundred TVs on full volume, all broadcasting shows about what a terrible person I was, alongside the incessant quest to remember the gaps in the previous evening’s black out. On top of this, I was functioning on a daily basis with that background noise while simultaneously performing quantum leaps of irrational logic. I’ll give you an example. I had a colleague who wore ridiculous trousers – bright green, bright yellow, bright bloody anything - and I was terrified we’d be asked to work together. Terrified as I wouldn’t have been able to because of

Getting sober is the greatest achievement of my life, but remains a daily challenge. You need support, you need strong will, and you need to remember the hell you lived inside before, to stop you thinking you’re ‘safe’.

I’m lucky, I have an incredible, loving family, an amazing girlfriend who understands me, I have a great group of friends and I have my career. I’ve even won international awards for my work – unsurprisingly for that done in sobriety. But it’s not easy, and sobriety is the most important thing in my life – simply because, without it, I have nothing. It’s extremely likely I wouldn’t even still be here were I not safe. That’s not meant to sound overly dramatic, it’s a fact – and a sobering one at that.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

oneself in a good Jilly Cooper romp or Danish murder investigation? Is it more destructive than ignoring the rent for an afternoon because that coat seems worth each of the four-hundred pounds you just found yourself paying, almost by accident? Escape is important; redefining the daily grind to make it more manageable, retracing avenues of your mind that don’t get stretched by spreadsheets, rediscovering a sense of humour, perspective, and balance. Some people go to the pub, some people play Baldur’s Gate; as long as it doesn’t take over, it’s your escape. Do with it what you will.

Civ

THE GAMERS’ defence by drew gepp

“Would you like to resume?” ‘Of course I’d like to fucking resume. I’m not going to spend just shy of three hours to get to the last level and then quit because some patronising computerised prick thinks I might have had enough.’ And so it goes on; another hour, another Champions’ League Final, or quest for a magical sword, or Nazi-zombie bloodbath, or...or... or... The curious compulsion to continue, the addiction to the story as much as the success, the smashed keyboards and unwisely flung controllers, the investment: they come together and – though glorious - are misunderstood. Worse still, this misunderstanding has engendered a sort of shame culture where ‘gamers’ are ostracised as wastemen, both undersexed and overweight. And we can safely say that – historically - not much good has come from the exclusion of social groups through ignorance.

So I present both a defence and manifesto; a celebration of gaming in four parts.

Baldur’s Gate

The Lord of Murder shall perish, but in his doom he shall spawn a score of mortal progeny. Chaos will be sown from their passage. - So sayeth the wise Alaundo. Few will be familiar with the teachings of the great Alaundo, or with Baldur’s Gate, or with Role-Playing Games (RPGs), but the sentiment – the machine behind the curtain – is universal. The second instalment of the game begins with you, an orphan in the care of a great mage (Gorion), having to leave the relative safety of your hometown, Candlekeep. The reason is obscure, and the path treacherous, and immediately we are thrust - with the trappings of archaic names, and rousing music – into a world of fantasy. That is it – fantasy. Nothing more. Is this so bad, a little escape? Any worse than immersing

It couldn’t just be escape though – the addiction is stronger, the emotions higher, the attraction more nebulous. There are other forces at work. These are evident in Sid Meier’s Civilization II. Civ is a strategy game whereby, as the god-like leader of a civilization, one must conquer the known world, through tactical nous, technological advancement, military might, and intelligent expansion. Probability, the roll of a dice, has some part to play, but one can mitigate, plan, and work around such trivialities. And so the second facet becomes evident: competition. Civ, like all games, taps into our innate sense of the glory of victory and abhorrence of defeat. Within the rules of the game, and understanding the vagaries of chance (and fate?), we want to win. Consider now the thousands of years of fruitless searching for the restorative waters of the Fountain of Youth. We want to believe that somehow we can achieve the impossible legitimately. It’s the same with Civ, but without the Lucas Cranach painting to back it up.

Competition cont’d: Golden Axe, Streets of Rage II Bettering oneself, sharpening skills (however useless), and beating a machine is one thing, beating another real, living humanoid quite another.

Golden Axe and Streets of Rage II are two classic platform games that summon up some of my fondest memories. Both are based on the same remarkably simple concept: you (and a partner) must travel from one side of the screen to the other, which will keep extending for a defined length of time, introducing more and more of the predefined landscape. Pretty boring, unless you’re a dwarf with an axe, or a remarkably violent but proficient in-line skater. What made these hours of playing so fun though was the competition between me and my brothers. We knew we had a goal, and a common enemy, but the temptation to knock each other out of kilter, to play a game within a game, and to shape hierarchies was too great. We rarely finished Golden Axe, but it’s not the winning, the play’s the thing.

Pro

Beating each other and working together are familiar territory for any group of boys who have played Pro. Boys particularly, as, though purposefully skirting round the issue previously, video-gaming is a predominantly male activity. Fighting and football. Of course. But also, it’s an industry made by boys for boys. Women, as much as men, like both to escape and compete, but the format is masculine, and for the time being will remain so. There’s another thing I think though that contributes to this gender bias. Video-games, particularly when played in groups, not only allow the exercising of (traditionally male) competitive social positioning, but also communication. I won the Champions’ League with my best mate on his birthday, as Spurs. We didn’t need a cake and candles, we’d won the Champions’ League. We were joking about, staring at a screen, competing, escaping, and shooting the breeze. Not so bad after all, particularly when Boateng netted the winner. illustration by Bethany Bilcliffe

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

have had the same experience had I done maths. I was probably wrong, but that’s how I felt at the time.

interview BY RACHEL CLARE

article physics isn’t the first thing to spring to mind when pondering the world of the club DJ, but king of the East London electro scene and BBC Radio 1 stalwart, Kissy Sell Out, isn’t your average DJ. He’s also a cosmology expert with a borderline obsession with negative entropy. CALMzine met with him to chat quantum theory and embrace our inner nerd… So, admit it. You were a bit of a brainiac at school, right…? I always found maths very easy, but no. I had some learning difficulties at school, actually. I’m not very good at reading comprehension but I found equations and trigonometry simple because they gave you the answer. In English you had to read a book and say what it was about, but I would just look at the words and not take any of it in. My grades at school weren’t terrible, but there was a definite gap between maths and english. I nearly did maths as a degree. So why choose to study graphic design? I’ve always been a sociable guy but I was tremendously shy at school. I wanted to be able to make friends and have the confidence to talk to other people, so as an art student, I loved the fact that it gave you the chance to hang out and meet loads of outgoing, artistic types. I felt that I wouldn’t

So maths was seen as being too geeky for you… No, not at all. It’s a language problem. When you hear TV presenters talking about science, they don’t seem to know what they’re talking about. For instance, with the recent Higgs Boson particle discovery, or near discovery (Ed - look it up, kidz), nobody on BBC news seemed able to explain what it was, so people switch off. Take the speed of light. E=MC2. I knew that equation at school but I had no clue what it meant and it’s only in the past few months that I figured it out. This happened to coincide with the Higgs Boson stuff at CERN so I really noticed it when these men with baldheads and glasses were on TV and weren’t able to explain it in a language that you could understand. You just have to dig deeper. So if not at school or college, when was it that you became so passionate about cosmology? I wasn’t interested in space at all until about two years ago when I saw the Hubble ‘UltraDeep Field’ photo for the first time. I literally could not believe what I was looking at. You hear people talking about the Big Bang and the universe, but I had no idea they were actually taking photos of it. Every point of light in that photo isn’t a star, but a galaxy. Incredible. I just thought: ‘bloody hell, how did they manage to take a photo of something so far away?’ I wanted to know more so I started looking stuff up on Wikipedia and then bought books about it. There was a lot of stuff I didn’t understand first time round but I’ve since gone back to it and think I have a handle on it now. Have you read Stephen Hawking’s ‘A Brief History of Time’ all the way to the end? Did you actually understand it? Yeah, I read it and yes, I think I understood it. He’s got a really good writing style. As I said earlier, I’m not very good at reading and don’t really enjoy it, but if I’m interested in

something then I find it easy to read. I also read his Grand Design book, which is when I started to understand the theory of general and special relativity – that time is relative, so, for instance, clocks go at a different speed depending on how close to the Earth they are (Ed – WHAAAT?). And it’s all related to gravity. What do your DJ mates think about your interest in this? Do you find yourself dumbing down for them? No, not at all, although I was talking to one guy once from a well known pop band who just didn’t get it. He started talking about ghosts. He was like ‘yeah, I’m well into all that stuff too, mate. I’ve seen a ghost before’. He didn’t understand, but he’s the only one. Everyone else seems pretty interested. I only talk about it when I’m asked, though, because I’m learning all this for self-discovery, not to spread the word.

With the arrival of Professor Brian Cox on the telly, is astrophysics becoming a bit sexy? Yeah, I think it is. I went off him a bit after his Wonders of the Universe programme, though, because the first episode about thermodynamic entropy was SO depressing. I don’t think he explained it well at all – the idea that all systems inevitably simplify and degrade. Something didn’t ring true with me, so I started reading up on the laws of thermodynamics and quantum physics. He didn’t mention anything about evolution and the fact that life on earth is proof of negative entropy. We, as a species, are developing and

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

enhancing ourselves and basically getting stronger and more complicated. The brain is more complex and mysterious to scientists than a lot of the solar system. So when he was telling everyone that the sun is going to envelop the earth and the planet was going to die because of entropy, I stopped watching. The force of life - be it grass, fish, humans or whatever - is the only thing in the whole universe that contradicts entropy. That’s amazing and not depressing at all. But you have to admit that programmes like Wonders of the Universe have reignited interest in this area… It was definitely the catalyst that compelled me to look up more stuff. My mum has never been religious but she always said that she believes that there’s a force in all of us and although that sounds a bit hippy-ish, when you learn about thermodynamic entropy and you realise that life is the only thing that contradicts it, you start to think about things differently. It suggests that there is something that happens inside us that chooses to defy the laws of thermodynamics. That’s the force that I think my mum was talking about. It’s magical.

GET OUT THERE AND EXPRESS YOURSELF. GO OUT AND TRY TO KISS A GIRL OR A GUY. GET A STUPID HAIRCUT. GET LIFE EXPERIENCE.

Would you go into space? Absolutely not. It would be a really unpleasant place to be. Your digestive system stops almost completely and your muscles waste away. The main problem with getting humans to Mars is that they’ve never managed to keep a human alive in space for the amount of time it would take to get there. The thing that makes space travel so expensive is not the fuel or the materials; it’s the cost of making sure the astronauts don’t die. It’s really important to get to Mars, though. The sun is eventually going to kill the Earth, so we either need to move the planet somehow – such as by using an asteroid’s gravitational pull to drag us further away – or just get the hell out of here. It’s the only way that we will be able to preserve the human race.

So the music scene isn’t going to lose you to the cosmos… Not at all. The thing is, when you grow older, your perspective on things change. When you’re young you think all older people are boring, but when you’re older you just understand things a bit better and question things more, and act differently because of that. But don’t worry, I’m not going to disappear into science any time soon. How do you feel about this tendency to label people either ‘cool’ or ‘uncool’. You seem to be a happy amalgamation of both. Any successful musician must be a geek on some level, because you have to know what you’re doing. Music is complicated – even in this age of everyone saying you just need a laptop. There’s much more to it than that. Being a DJ is geeky. It’s common knowledge within the industry that Drum n’ Bass DJs are the geekiest of them all. People imagine that they sit about smoking reefer, saying stuff like ‘yeah, just sling a bit of bass on that, bruv.’ It’s not like that at all! It’s really complicated music. So it goes to show that if the darkest, most underground scene in dance music is so full of geeks, who’s to say what’s cool and what’s not? So what advice would you have to someone who feels they don’t tick all the ‘cool’ boxes? I’d say, don’t get education and intelligence confused. In order to enjoy life, you can revise for exams and do your work, but at the same time get out there and express yourself. Go out and try to kiss a girl or a guy. Get a stupid haircut. Get life experience. The term ‘geek’ transcends the two ways of thinking, which is why there is a bit of negativity about the word. It implies that being intelligent isn’t cool. In fact some of the coolest people I know are really, really clever. Look at Branson, or Jobs. They didn’t play by the rules and did their own thing. Teachers will never tell you that at school. Be curious.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

Charity reg no 1110621

N I O J E M O C

THE LARP SIDE…

BY ALIX FOX Ever feel like breaking free of your own routine for a while, and inhabiting another person’s skin? How about running around screeching in a field while wielding a gargantuan axe?! CALMzine finds out why Live Action Role Play is the ultimate stress relief for chic geeks…it’s a LARP a minute!

Suicide is the single biggest killer of young men in London. We need to start talking. Get support, ring

0808 802 5858

It’s free, confidential & anonymous. Or text

07537 404717

Start the first text with CALM1. CALM doesn’t charge, though your network might. 18

Help us stop male suicide. thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline: 0808 8025858 Support us at thecalmzone.net/support

We all have moments when we wish we were someone else. Everyone needs a break from their everyday anxieties and worries now and again - a bit of escapism, and a chance to shout, laugh and wind down with friends. Live Action Role Play – or LARP for short – offers just that… but with added sorcery, swords and spell-casting. LARP involves a group of people coming together to pretend to be fictional fantasy characters who interact and battle each other according to a predetermined plot or set of rules. LARP games often take place outside, can incorporate incredible costumes, sets and

props, and may be played with a mere handful of folk, or crowds of thousands. The last word in cool nerd, LARP is great way to meet new mates, forget your niggles and have a giggle…all whilst being covered in green face paint and proclaiming yourself to be Thorbellow, Duke of the Raging Werewolf Barbarian Clan. CALMzine spoke to some kick-ass LARPers to get the low-down on why you gotta role with it… TERRY, 33, BELFAST

LARP is the only hobby where you can fleece your friends out of their money, steal all their glory, stab

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

them in the guts, then shake hands and go for a pint afterwards! I first agreed to give it a try after six months of badgering from a friend who was into it, and I’ve never looked back. I’ve been involved in everything from small-scale, 6-person games to huge foreign fantasy LARPs with around 9,000 players. I attended an amazing German LARP festival last year called Drachenfest, and spent the first two days of my trip walking around in sheer amazement: the set team had built a huge ‘town’ area filled with authentic taverns and bars, and erected massive forts in which players from different warring factions could set up camp. On the flipside, LARP doesn’t always have to be an elaborate, expensive business: I once made myself an Egyptian tunic out of a quilt cover! DAVID, 37, MANCHESTER

I started LARPing when I was 18. I got into it through playing tabletop role-playing games, and reading related magazines…and then went on to meet my wife through a LARP society. LARP attracts an eclectic bunch of folks, from lawyers to doctors to artists to jobseekers – everyone is welcome. People with wildly different political and religious views who perhaps wouldn’t usually talk to each other find themselves in a field together for a weekend and end up being great friends. My top tip for creating LARP costumes is to check out army surplus stores, charity shops and 99p stores: I’ve turned cheap air fresheners, radios, toys and LED lights into pretty effective outfits.  WILL, 29, OXFORD

I LARP in a ‘swords ‘n’ sorcery’-style game. I play an orc named Yobled, who’s mainly content to earn his keep by fighting for an army called the Tarantula faction, and working as a guard for an armourer’s guild. My fiancée has just started LARPing with me too, as a cat-person named Skyra. We like to remain a couple even when we’re in character, so at our last event, we ended up inventing a tale to explain to a centaur how a beautiful feline

woman had fallen in love with a warty green guy! Costume-wise, my hot hint is to pick up a bag of fabric off-cuts from a car upholstery factory – you can get tons of real leather pieces for just a few quid. If you want to use weapons while LARPing – and who doesn’t?! – do your research and make sure you buy a top-quality, safe bit of kit to avoid getting hurt. Most LARP groups have lots of stuff you can borrow, so you can try out different equipment to see what tickles your fancy before you invest. ADAM, 25, ENFIELD

I play everything from Maelstrom, one of the largest LARP events in Britain, attracting crowds 1,000 strong, to Restitution, a vampire-themed game which takes place once a month in a room above a pub in central London. All sorts of things have happened to my characters: one became the head of a major religion, but was then kidnapped and had his tongue cut out; another earned the name ‘He Who Blocks Knives With His Face’. I’m not so bothered about making my own costumes but I am 100% into the social side of LARP. I’ve found LARPers to be remarkably friendly and accepting people, and incredibly supportive. I’ve suffered from recurring bouts of depression most of my life, and the friends I’ve made through LARP have been wonderful at helping me through a lot of those rough periods. SARAH, 24, ROCHESTER

My favourite part of LARP is the more relaxed roleplay that takes place in the evening: after a day of imaginary battles we all snuggle up in blankets, drinking and talking by candlelight. I play a LARP game called Skullduggery, and occasionally our group is visited by a travelling LARP tavern called The Crimson Moon, who serve incredible mead. The funniest thing that’s happened when LARPing was the time my boyfriend dislocated his knee while playing an ogre. Obviously, I don’t mean to laugh at his pain, but it was hilarious to hear him swearing in A&E while dressed in full chainmail.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

NOW THAT WE’VE FINISHED LARPING ON ABOUT ‘EM… WHY NOT GIVE LIVE ACTION ROLE PLAY GAMES A GO FOR YOURSELF?

Many universities and colleges run LARP societies, and several will let you join in the fun even if you’re not a student.

A lot of UK LARP fans chat online at Forums.rule7.co.uk – that’s a good place to start if you want to find out about LARP events happening near you, although don’t be put off by the long-time experts having nitpicking arguments over obscure rules! The Maelfroth.org chat room is good too.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Some LARP games have complicated regulations and they can be a little overwhelming at first. No-one expects a newbie to understand everything straight away though, and folks won’t mind if you cock up and forget that corn-demons from the Fields of Maizevil can’t be killed with platinum poison-tipped arrows, or whatnot. The ultimate aim is to have fun.

Pop into your local comic shop, Forbidden Planet or Games Workshop and ask about LARP groups nearby, or look for leaflets and notices in store.

Photo credits to Adam Dinwoodie, Sarah Newbould, Doug Hare & Will Marshall.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

NIKKI PINDER www.nikkipinder.co.uk

Nikki Pinder is an Illustrator, Artist, Designer and Nightowl based in Cheshire, England. At age four she attempted to learn how to fly using story books as wings, but in later years decided it’d be better to turn these abstract ideas into illustrations and artworks on canvas. Obsessed with details, ephemera, memories and found objects, she grew up on a visual diet of comics and trips to the local antique shop. Textures and layering are an important consideration when creating her curious and sometimes bizarre characters and landscapes. The relationship between man and machine is another obvious fascination as she often juxtaposes organic and mechanical images to form surreal and whimsical narratives. Butterflies, insects and organisms are also a common theme throughout her work as she draws much of her inspiration from nature and it’s rustic colour palette.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

NIKKI PINDER

CALM COMPETITION You don’t think we’d let you read this free magazine without something else being given away for nowt, do ya?!

WIN THREE UBELDN T-SHIRTS OF YOUR CHOICE Two runners up recieve one t-shirt each.

TO WIN, FIND UBELDN AT WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/UBELDN, LIKE THEIR PAGE & POST A MESSAGE ON THE WALL MENTIONING CALMZINE. WINNERS WILL BE SELECTED AT RANDOM. GOOD LUCK! COMPETITION ENDS 14/03/2012

CHECK OUT THE COLLECTION AND BLOG ONLINE AT WWW.UBELDN.COM

FRAZZLED DADDY THE CONSPIRACY OF TV By Matt Brown

One of the most incredible news stories of last year was the tracking down and killing of Osama Bin Laden. Now that he’s out of the way I want to suggest another target for the American Navy Seals. I want them to take out loveable little Jonnie Lewis from last year’s John Lewis Christmas advert. Not literally you understand, I’m merely using a 2011 news story about the assassination of the world’s most wanted man as a tool to vent my increasing irrational anger toward a television advertisement. You must have seen the advert with the little angelic boy who wishes it would be Christmas so he can give his mum and dad a pressie? Yeah? You can picture him? Wearing his purple tartan jimjams and gazing out of window dressed as a little shepherd, all bright of eye and rosy of cheek. You got him? Well he is a big, stupid arsehole. I hate him and it’s OK to hate him because he’s not real. He’s an advertising shadow, a mirage, a fiction, a ghost of Christmas never-to-come. He’s a stupid, twatty lie. There is a huge gap between the fantasy of adverts and the reality of being a parent. Let me tell you something, the John Lewis Christmas has not been my experience of Christmas. Usually I’m covered in sick (not my own before you ask) and shouting at something (a child, a pet, a wooden spoon). Once we even spent Christmas in casualty. Oh happy, happy Christmas memories. The thing that adverts don’t tell you is that sometimes being a parent is hard. One minute everything can be hunky-dory and thirty seconds later you’re shouting at a toddler because he wants to wear a bucket on his head. Believe me, there are only so many times you can ask someone to put their trousers on before you think you’re going to explode. I love my two boys more than I thought it was possible to love another human being and some of the time being a dad is like the commercials. It’s funny and happy and sometimes they ask you a question that you actually know the answer to or you teach them how to ride a bike. However, there are low times too. The times when you feel like you’re the worst person in the world because you made a bad call, the times when you feel pathetic and useless because something didn’t turn out the way you planned and yes, the times when you try and remember what life was like before the kids came along. The greatest myth about parenting is that you are the only person to feel like this. You’re not, every other father in the world has had those exact same moments. The moment when I realized it was OK to feel these things was when I started talking to my mates about it because they were going through the same things too. You just need to ask another dad to find out. Just don’t ask your own dad because mostly they are old and deaf and have forgotten what it’s like to be in charge of something that on the one hand is so little whilst on the other hand is capable of making so much noise and shit. Hang on, I’ve just had an amazing idea for John Lewis’s 2012 Christmas advert. It starts off with a man flecked with vomit rushing his son into hospital on Christmas morning… For more dispatches from the frontline of fatherhood visit www.frazzleddaddy.blogspot.com

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

thecalmzone.net - CALMzone Helpline: 0808 8025858

In the next calmzine

the

sex issue

From carnal aficionados to 40 year old virgins, everyone’s invited to pick up our next CALMzine, where we’ll be boldly grabbing sex by the balls and tackling the issues cocks out and heads high. From the evolution of porn and sexuality stereotyping to useful sex tips and the true trauma of sex addiction, CALMzine are getting stuck into the issues that matter - so throw your car keys into the fruit bowl and come join us in the CALMzine hot tub - the water’s lovely. Out April 2012.

we b Go to www.thecalmzone.net for features, opinion, forums and competitions to keep you busy until the next issue of CALMzine. Plus find out how you can get involved with the Campaign Against Living Miserably. 28

calmzine

.. .

needs you

Would you like to write for CALMzine? Do you have a photographic eye? We want great writers, interviewers, bloggers, tweeters, artists and photographers for CALMzine and the CALM website. What’s your obsession, you passion? Music, sports, arts, gadgets, fashion, comedy, gaming – or something further out of the box? Can you write about it, picture it, tweet it? Can you conduct a gripping interview? We’d love to hear from you, and in no time your work could be on our website and in these very pages.

Get in touch with Rachel at: editor@thecalmzone.net

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

thecalmzone.net

OBSESSIONS

LORD OF THE DINING TABLE

By Martin Cordiner

Come on, anything but a 1. Please. Okay, so my flame cannon has misfired, but so long as it doesn’t go ker-blammo I’ve got enough artillery to keep these orcs on my left flank tied down long enough to bash the middle. If it’s out for a couple of turns then bummer, but if I roll a 1 and it explodes then it could be the turning point. And I roll......a 1. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Let’s go back a few steps. If you haven’t heard of Warhammer (Fantasy Battle) then let me summarise it thus: fantasy toy soldiers are lined up across a table in order to fight battles with rules occasionally as complicated as a double dip recession and revolving mostly around a roll of one or more dice. Now, I’m no obsessive. I don’t really play the game anymore. But sometimes, despite it becoming practically a euphemism for nerdy, I wish I did. Yes, the models are expensive. Nagash (Lord of the Undead) don’t come cheap, you know. And yes, you have to paint them yourself, so if art ain’t your thing (like me) then oh dear. And yes, sometimes the almighty standoff between the Dwarf Rune Lord Kragg the Grim and the ultimate Skaven assassin Deathmaster Snikch, to decide the fate of this battle and by extension the fantasy world, is somewhat grounded by a dice that has landed on the corner of a book so you can’t decide if it’s a 2 or a 3. But with all that comes a fantasy world so magnificently detailed that there is no limit other than your own conceptions. A history, a culture, for every one of the dozen different races you can be, maps of the world they inhabit, hundreds of troop types, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. Despite the dice rolling, the whole thing is there for you to believe in, to get lost in. And it is these numerous characters, the good, the bad and the tentacled, aching for you to make up new stories for them, that suck you back in from the moment you first think, ‘a world of giant rat-men, ghostly knights and walking trees....sounds interesting...’ Warhammer rewards dreaming. It legitimises imagination. It cries out for creativity. And that’s what I love about it. Even when a malfunction ruins my orc barbeque.

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

MAY STAR TREK LIVE LONG AND PROSPER By Andy Naylor

I must have been about 9 years old with Christmas fast approaching, the time to dig out the VHS version of Santa Claus: The Movie. Unlike the lucky kids of today, I had to rewind the tape back to the beginning for Santa Claus but (and I say this in the age of Long play VHS, kids) I’d rewound too far. But, it was too late. I was captivated. On screen a spaceship was limping towards a nebula being chased by another ship, captained by a man with long grey hair and pecks chiselled out of steel. A magnificent battle ensued and the superior intellect of the crew from the crippled ship won through. A love was born; I’d discovered Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. This scene is one of the reasons people love Star Trek. There isn’t anything quite as spectacular to watch as a space battle. Space alone captures the human imagination more than any other area of science, it’s a realm of infinite possibilities and watching someone else’s interpretation of what could happen, when done right, is awe inspiring. But Star Trek stands out for more than that, the characters are unique and human and, most importantly, flawed. Captain Kirk may be the greatest captain Starfleet ever had, but his desire to explore and protect his ship left him bereft of a personal life and he inadvertently chased away anyone who wanted to be with him. But we love him; we love his passion for space and his few close friends. The entire crew represents the best of mankind. They are selfless, driven by the need to improve themselves and the human race. No personal greed, no thirst for power, just simple expansion of human understanding and quality of life. It’s not just the crew that stand out, either. The technology does too. Okay, some of it is on the extreme side; warp speed is theoretically impossible (or is it?! CERN!) and matter transportation is a distant dream. But look what they had that’s proved true. Star Trek communicators are already outdated and the technology in modern smart-phones is superior in every way. Even tri-corders are getting there. And PADDs from The Next Generation are already with us thanks to Steve Jobs’ iPads. The use of MRI and ultrasound scans can help doctors diagnose illnesses. Each bit of technology that is created in the show acts as inspiration and could improve the lives of so many. I don’t claim it’s the greatest show that was ever produced, and at times it’s far from it, but it has an enticing combination of elements that appeal to the viewer and that’s the reason it has just had its 40th anniversary and is going strong once again. Much like the modern Doctor Who, it was tired and worn out and needed a break. But now it’s back, I can’t wait to see where it boldly goes… thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

THE RANT By Dan Bell

Over the last few years a nasty little virus has spread through the British population. Its epidemiology has been unusual, but as it turns out, highly virulent. The first isolated cases were seen in the pages of women’s magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire. It then spread mouth-to-mouth between vacuous daytime TV presenters, before eventually infecting advertising and day-to-day conversation. Now the virus is endemic across our culture. What’s truly strange, though, is that it’s an infection that doesn’t even exist. ManFlu is a made-up bigotry. Its sole cultural purpose is to mock and humiliate men. That is its only truth. Packed tightly into those two syllables is a knot of sneering derision. Let me un-pick it for you. What ManFlu says, is that men are weak and pathetic, that they complain like selfish children about minor afflictions. Most importantly, though, it says that men are weak and pathetic in comparison to women. Men whinge and feel sorry for themselves; while women are stoical and selfless, ignoring their own suffering to look after the needs of others.

YOUR RANT... Got something to get of your chest? Grab a pen and get ranting

Your response to all of this might be to say, it’s just a joke, relax. But the test of whether something is just a joke, or actually an abuse of power, is whether you’re allowed to contest it. Try, as a man, to seriously register your offence the next time someone invokes the idea of ManFlu. You will find yourself ridiculed or even aggressively dismissed. In contrast, imagine the response if a man were to patronisingly mock a woman during her period by saying: “Is it the time of the month dear?” But it’s when you look at ManFlu in context of the reality of men’s lives, that you realise the term is not just offensive, but grotesquely unjust. Men die younger than women, not least of all because they don’t go to the doctor when they are ill. Men do the most physically demanding and dangerous jobs in society, and make up the vast majority of work-related fatalities. They kill themselves three times as often as women do, precisely because they don’t feel able to admit to their vulnerability. In short, if men are so weak and pathetic, why as a society do we put them in positions of most danger? If the message behind ManFlu is correct, it means we as a society are subjecting our most vulnerable members to the most suffering. Or to put it another way, if women are so much tougher than men, surely we should be sending them out on the North Sea fishing trawlers? But of course men are not weaker than women. The truth is that ManFlu manages an extraordinary feat of double-edged shame. It maps the feminist accusation that patriarchal society falsely coddles the weak male ego, onto the pre-feminist contempt for men who show any weakness. ManFlu is indeed sickening. It needs to be eradicated.

Do you have something you want to rant about? Send 300 words to editor@thecalmzone.net 32

thecalmzone.net – London CALM Helpline: 0808 8025858 - open 5pm-12am, Sat - Tues

If you need professional advice, call the CALMzone helpline on 0808 802 5858. Free, confidential & anonymous. Or text CALM1 to 07537 404717. We don’t charge, though your network might. Open 5pm-midnight, Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues thecalmzone.net – London CALM Text Service: 07537 404717 (first text ‘CALM1’) - open 5pm-12am, Sat – Tues

Our entirely unprofessional agony uncle offers his entirely unprofessional advice… Q. I collect trainers. Hundreds and hundreds of pairs of trainers. I will wear up to ten different pairs a day. It is taking over, not only my flat, but my life. Do you know anyone looking to buy some sneakers? Al, Tottenham J: Ebay is your friend, my friend. Failing that, Gumtree will grant a shade for your trainer selling sweat. Craigslist exists (just don’t agree to meet the buyer ANYWHERE IN PERSON) or you can be generous and, I dunno, give them to Oxfam. Just give ‘em a wash before... You know... Q. My boyfriend doesn’t appreciate my collection of pristine, boxed Star Wars figurines and has threatened to leave if I don’t stop sleeping with them piled on top of my bed. Which should go – boyfriend or Yoda? Bob A. Fett, Wembley J: Unacceptable, his unaccepting ways is. Kerb, you must kick him. No good to you dead or alive, he is. 21st Century, this is. Cool, now, the geek is. Plently, the fish in the sea. May the force guide you, young Padawan. Q. I have always imagined my wife as Xena: Warrior Princess when engaged in sexual relations but recently I have been dogged by images of that grumpy Dwarf bloke from Lord Of the Rings at the ‘crucial moment’. What’s wrong with me? Anonymous, Buckingham Palace J: My mother used to say ‘when you eyes are lying, see with your nose,’ that is to say... Sorry, I’ve never been totally sure what she meant by that. Never mind. Nothing is wrong with you. Ask your wife to dress as the dwarf, the next time you enter ‘negotiations.’ TRUST ME ON THIS MATE. Q. Who would win in a bare-knuckle fist fight: Patrick Moore or Prof. Brian Cox? Ian, Leyton J: Hold on, lemme google Patrick Moore...JESUS CHRIST LOOK AT THAT THING! LOOK AT HIM! LOOK! HE LOOKS LIKE CHURCHILL MELTED ON HITCHCOCK WITH 100% EXTRA BULLDOG! HE’ll TEAR COX INTO TINY PARTICLES (see what I did there? Course you did). Q. Sometimes I lie awake at night worrying about the imminent death of the Red Dwarf star Betelgeuse in constellation Orion. I know I’m not the only one losing sleep over this. Any advice on how to overcome my fears of stellar annihilation? Nigel, Brockley J: Dude, duuuuuudeeee, don’t get me started, mate. Have you heard of Nibiru? Apparently a planet sized..erm…planet is coming to get us in December. I’ve been following this story online since 2009, and that Melancholia movie by that really funny Von Trier fella did my head in. When I think about it, I’m scared I don’t have much time, so I’m spending more time being happy. Works for me. Q. I wear glasses because I have bad eyesight. I have a beard because it hides my double chin. I wear chunky cardigans because I suffer from the cold. How do I stop people thinking I’m just a ‘trendy’ trying to look fashionably uncool? Dave, Peckham J: Dude, you live in Peckham. Peckham, bruv. Avoid East London, don’t work in media and remind everyone you live in Peckham. Also, opinions are like bum holes – everyone has one. Remember who your friends are, and let the others think whatever they like. Peace.

Do you have a question for JOSH Email us on editor@thecalmzone.net

NOTE: Josh is not a qualified expert. He’s just a joker. However if you do want to know some more about him, go to www.poejazzi.wordpress.com If you need professional advice, call the CALMzone helpline on 0808 802 5858. Free, confidential & anonymous. Or text CALM1 to 07537 404717. We don’t charge, though your network might. Open 5pm-midnight, Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues