RFD Issue 52 Fall 1987

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A COUNTRY JOURNAL FOR GAY MEN EVERYWHERE

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52

As you tan see, this is a big issue. Contrary to what some people seem to think, we do agonize over what to include and what to leave out of each issue, Since we cover such a wide range of interests, this problem is exacerbated.

The challenge with this issue has been that there has been an unusually large amount of interesting writing to come forward, and we are taking a bit of a gamble and publishing our largest issue ever, in hopes that it will engender more interest and sales.

The problem is ratfier analogous to my own life right now, since I am current­ ly dealing with over-commitment and having a difficult time sorting out what to let go of and what to stick with. I don't know that it always amounts to i an all-or-nothing situation, but there certainly has to be some kind of ad­ justment. I have begun sharing more of the PFP work with others. This has | been developing very well, with p 1g Stone taking on more and more of the business, Dwight doing all of the layout, and rharles doing all of the typing^ That leaves me free for oversight, and that is fine for now. T am just step­ ping hack more into a publishing role.

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Me hope to have the T ’-year index ready this winter. Raphael Sabatini is co-l ordinating this project, with several dedicated faeries indexing some 51 is­ sues of an incredible range of articles, letters, announcements, stories and poems. This should be a great boon to our long-time readers and researchers.j

The March on Washington is coming up. T was not very enthusiastic about this] when it was first proposed although r had participated in the 1979 March and enjoyed it very much. I felt hesitant because I believe that often too many people get all hyped up for such a special event and then feel that that event should make a point and then the work is done. My experience is that the real value of such an event is to charge up the participants and to give them courage and enthusiasm to continue the long and arduous (and unglamorous) task of living the revolution daily. That is the basic challenge and the hardest to achieve. I will be there because I feel it is important for lour community to stand together, and we do have valid complaints. I also appreciate that the planning for this march has been much more sensitive to the diversity of our family than before.

For those who might be wondering what is happening at Running Water, we did have a stockholders meeting and elected a new Foard of Directors. Me got thej lestates settled and have some money to begin the building projects ( a meet­ ing house for gatherings and a bunk house on the old house), but there just has been no one to coordinate or execute the projects yet. We continue with our general plan to develop Running Water into a spiritual retreat center, especially for gatherings and workshops, and I feel that it will happen some-, (day.

I must explain to those who may have tried to reach us by phone that we have had to get an unlisted number because of the threatening and harassing phone calls. Life 1s just too short to put up with such stupidity from a few. We regret any inconvenience, but you can still write us.I

I 0

I don't know how many people celebrated the Harmonic Convergence, but we had a nice low-key celebration here at Running Water. On Sunday we had a brief circle in the orchard and drove to the top of Roan Mountain for a picnic.

Somehow, this seemed appropriate and fitting. I am increasingly suspicious of old rituals and am growing in my belief that for a truly meaningful ex­ perience, the event must be spontaneous. Otherwise, 1t will be lifeless.

Form must serve content.

I I"his brings me back to RFD which is a form serving content, and I feel as ^spontaneous as we can get with a publication. There is a lot of content in Ithis issue and plenty to ponder as we get ready for another season and other [changes. If the title of this issue mystifies you, read Laughing Otter's larticle. There are lots of Intellectual challenges here, and what more can [you ask for?

RFD is a reader-written jour­ nal for gay men which focuses on country living and en­ courages alternative life­ styles. Articles often ex­ plore the building of a sense of community, radical faerie consciousness, the caring for the environment, as well as sharing gay men's experiences.

Editorship responsibility is shared between the Department Editors and the Managing Edi­ tor. The business and general production is centered at Run­ ning Water in western North Carolina. Features are often prepared in various places by different groups.

RFD is published quarterly on the equinoxes and solstices at Running Water, Rt. 1 Box 127E, Bakersvllle, NC 28705. One year's subscription is $12.00 by second class mail, $18.00 for first class mail. Foreign subs (including Canada) are $14.00/year.

•ISSN #0149-709X |USPS #073-010-00 Non-profit tax exempt status under #23-7199134 as a func­ tion of Gay Community Social Services, Seattle, Washington.

MEMBER: CCLM (Coordinating Council of Literary Magazines C0SMEP (The International Assoc, of Independent Pub!ishers) GLPA (Gay/Lesbian Press Assoc.)

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INDEXED by Alternative Press Media P.0. Box 33109 Baltimore, MD 21218 MICROFILMED by Alternative Media P.0. Box 1347 Ansonla Station New York, NY 10023 iV.

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A1 ladres.......................... 76 Big Stone................... 11,74,94 E.C............................... 36 Stewart Charles................... 17 Ada Cochran....................... 37 Aaron Cohen....................... 93 A1 Cotton......................... 89 Steve Cranfield................... 14 Peter Daniels..... '.............. 14 Mike Dittmer......................22 dwatt............................. 23 Bru Dye........................... 23 Michael Emery.....................25 Mark Falkenrath...................76 Peter Fitzpatrick.................44 Daniel Garrett....................23 Marshall Gealt....................23 Kevin Girard............ FC,31,38,66 Alex Grey.........................47 Michael Hathaway..................23 Drew Hopkins............

86 Thomas Itopkinson..................92 loin Horner........................ 94 Martin Humphries............... 13,15 vlohn S. James.....................82 Mess .Jolley.......................68 James David Jonathan............. 22 Robert Kaplan.....................22 Ken Knutson....................... 39 Joseph Kramer..................31,32 P. lamb........................... 76 Alvin Landy.......................63 Laughing Otter.................... 38 lee Lawrence...................... 28 Light....................... 43,44,53 Lotus............................. 74 Scott Luscombe....................26 Anthony W. Mann................... 14 V. Maulsby........................ 23 Raeburn Miller....................25 David Myers....................... 33 Tony Newman....................... 39 Stuart Norman..................... 79 Tony Norris....................... 77 Richard Norton.................... 19 Pat O'Brien....................... 13 Richard Oloizia...................93 Rocco Patt........................ 90 Per iw ink 1e ........................ 1?

John C. Power........

92 Prairie Wind...................... 79 Len Richardson....................20 John Ritter....................... 29 Chisholm Rivers................... 78 Raphael Sabatini..................46 Lorraine Schein...................42 Ron Schreiber.....................23 A1 lyn Scribner.................... 18 Mike Shearer...................... 92 Charles Simpson...................87 A1 len Small ing....................91 Julian Spalding................... 34 Allen Iroxler.................

26 Rob in Wa 1den..........

104 Kenn Wal ler-Zanghi................ 12 L. E. Wilson......................25 Ian Young......................... 25

COUNTRY JOURNAL FOR GAY MEN EVERYWHERE VOL. 14 NO. 1 FALL 1987

<1

C o n tr ib u to r s

from a painting by Rowena Morrill

C ontents I ndex

MANAGING EDITOR: OFEICE MANAGER: ART DIRECTOR: ASSISTANT:

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Ron Lambe Big Stone Dwight Dunaway (aka Light) Charles Simpson

VOLUNTEER DEPARTMENT EDITORS: ARTICLES/ESSAYS: Richard Chumley, TN BOOK REVIEWS: Kenn Wal1er-Zanghi, TX BROS. BEHIND BARS: Len Richardson, OR CONTACT LETTERS: Gary Wilson. CA COUNTRY KITCHEN: Buddy May, NC FEY ARTS: Franklin Abbott, GA FICTION: Randy Conner, CA GARDENING: Scott Tuzzolino, DC HEALTH: Pat Browder, NC HOMESTEADING: Kim Grittner, WI POETRY: Steven Riel, MA POLITICS: Stuart Norman, CA PROFILES: Warren Potas, DC PRODUCTION Layout: Typing:

Dwight Dunaway Charles Simpson

Front cover artwork by Kevin Girard Back cover calligraphy by Dwight Dunaway

ANNOUNCEMENTS ARTICLES AND ESSAYS Coming out Late Enhancing and Prolonging Orgasm Gay Life in a Small Town Love and Intimacy Step Away from Fantasy BOOK REVIEWS Anywhere, Anywhere (Barrus) Children in a Burning House (Soesbe) Gay Being, Divine Presence (Clark) Gay Canada (Stubblejumper) Gay Spirit (Thompson, ed.)

Healing AIDS Naturally (Badgley) The Lemon (Mrabet) The Little Death (Nava) Love With a Few Hairs (Mrabet) The Rise of a Gay and Lesbian Movement (Adam) Secret Dangers (Preston) The Young Sailor and Other Poems (Cernuda) BROTHFRS BFHIND BARS AIDS in Prison joint. Venture Shadows FEATURE Art Mirrors for Sale Preface A Search for My "Higher Self" FEY ARTS Six London Gay Poets FICTION My Dream Pavi1 ion Shackerfoot's Cabin Vision Quest GARDENING Fall in t.he Garden GATHERINGS Gray Lady Place Horny Memory HEALTH AIDS vs. SDI AL 721 HOMESTEADING Lesbian Farmers This Little Piggy HUMOR The Last Revolution LETTERS POETRY Hmm Junk Food Love Knows Not His Beauty Light Years The Man With the Burning Eyes The Masculine Candy Bar Trap A Redefinition Shadow Silly Putty Summer 1986 Symbiosi $ (Untitled) (Unti tied) What They Never Said POLITICS The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization Homosexual "Fascists" The Problems of Celebrity Tapping the System SPIRITUALITY God the Mother What the Hell Is a Radical Faerie, Anyway?

6 63 32 36 34 31 87 94 94 89 92 87 90 92 93 92 91 93 92 18 20 19 18 43 53 44 44 46 13 13

Alvin Landy Joseph Kramer E.C. Julian Spalding Joseph Kramer Big Stone Tom Horner A1 Cotton John C. Power Charles Simpson Rocco Patt Thomas Hopkinson Richard Oloi/ia Thomas Hopkinson Allen Smalling Aaron Cohen Mike Shearer Len Richardson Richard Norton Allyn Scribner Light Peter Eitzpatrick L iyh t.

Raphael Sabat ini Martin Humphries

76 Mark Falkenrath 68 Wess Jolley 37 Ada Cochran 74 Big Stone 26 26 Scott Luscombe 12 12 Kenn Wa1ler-Zanghi 12 Periwinkle’ 82 86 Drew Hopkins 82 John S. James 28 29 John Ritter 28 Lee Lawrence 42 42 Lorraine Schein 4 22 25 Michael Emery 23 dwatt 24 Daniel Garrett 24 Bru Dye 22 James David Jonathan 22 Mike Dittmer 25 Raeburn Miller 25 L. E. Wilson 23 V. Maulsby 23 Michael Hathaway 23 Ron Schreiber 23 Marshall Gealt 25 Ian Young 22 Robert Kaplan 77 79 Stuart. Norman 78 Chisholm Rivers 77 Tony Norris 79 Prairie Wind 38 39 Tony Newman 38 Laughing Otter

7 think 7 can kind an a r t i s t ivho lik e s m aking c re a tiv e ly with un­ usual matC alais, and who can use th ese ha lf-ca rd s to s c u lp t a memorial to Tom Waddell, th e Gay Games founder who re c e n t ly died ok ATVS. Vo IX now, and we can have th e memorial in time fo r the October Maach on Washington.

We d o n 't okten geX such an easy, c le a r -c u t way to klght back against the discalm lnatlon. L et’s not pass up th is cfiance.

Ju s t fie.ceJ.ved mu f i r s t copy ol RFO and was pleasantly su rp rised a t the q u a lity , broad scope of the contents and It s open-minded d iv e rs ity —a real.. breath of fresh ala among the yap p u b lica tio n s. . . .

Sincea.el.iy,

Keep up the good work!

Although th is w ill not be re c e iv e d w ell by many gays, I t i s a necessaay message cum obseavatlon.

And thanks!

Von Owen, ViAgi nla Teal F ditor, 7 was kuajous to pick up a maqazine and toad a fu ll-p a ge ad stating that even/ time 7 use mu Visa caad be­ tween now and Vecember 31, Visa w ill make a donation to the 1988 II. S. Olympic Team. Well, that news ju S t pushed a ll the uwong buttons for me• 'font/ ok youa \eadeas already know that the li.S. Olympic Committee has a notoriously anti-gait h isto ry . In 1982, i t sued organizers ok. wiiat teas then c a lle d the Gay Olympics, on the grounds that Congress had granted the 'tSOC exclu siv e rig h ts to use the word "Olympics." dozens ok other groups, ranging kAom the Armenian Olifmpics and the P olice Olympics to the Pat Olympics and the Crab-Cook­ ing Olympics, had used the team) the USOC had never seemed to mind.

But the Gay Olympics got h it with an expensive lawsuit.

Sasha Alyson, Boston To th e E ditor:

Except that they love others ok th e ir own se x , how a re gays d i f ­ fe r e n t krom "normal, people"? The only time when sex u a lity (ooh, aah!) is relev a n t i s when you a re in bed with another person. Why fla u n t a so -ca lled gay l i f e s t y l e ? why work fo r "gay rig h ts " when th e only w ellspring fo r d iscrim in a tio n is open­ ness about o n e's s e x u a lity (which, as w ritten , Is reserv ed fo r the bed­ room, shower s t a l l , wooded g le n , or w herever). How is sexual p re fe re n c e any d i f f e r e n t from p refe rln g th is co lo r or th a t flow er.

Tf a person is a ttra c te d sexu a lly and emotionally to another of t h e i r gen d er, that is the way they a re .

Tn essen ce, why make an is s u e about our d riv es? There is in c re d ib le hypocrisy in those that wart rig h ts of privacy but wish also to p u b lic­ ly array that p riv a te l i f e .

Ilttim atelu, the USOC fo rced the Gau Olympics to change th eir name to the Gau Games. A.i a gay man, 7 re fu s e to mafcc a purchase that re s u lts in a contribution going to the II.S. Oli/mpic Team.

Are. we gay f homosexualf fey /whatever?

So what? By u t i liz in g a t i t l e for "this co n d itio n ," one n e cessita tes p u b lic ity . We have been given l i f e (or maybe i t has been fo rced on us) and the o b je c tiv e is to liv e i t .

Sex is a m iniscule fa c e t o f l i f e .

Why d ed ica te so much energy to I t ?

1 urge readers who keel the same way to do what T’ m doing: Cut your VISA card in h a lf, and send one ha 1f to Jan Soderstrom, VISA-Marketing V ep t., Olympic Program, VO Rox 89991 San Francisco, CA 94128. Enclose a note explaining why you w ill not use your card again. To phone the Visa Olt/mpic H otline, th eir number is 415-570-3735.

Tfiis s o c ie t y ’ s emphasis on sexual­ i t y fthere we go again) can fo rce us to take sid es ("Vou are s tr a ig h t, 7 am gay, th a t's th a t"). Tf we shed our carnal preten sio n s and go a ft e r the rich n ess o f li v in g , not mere sensation or g r a t ific a t io n , how much more seren e we may be.

Then send the eth e r hatk to me: Sasha Ati/son, Alyson P ublications, 40 Phjmpton S t ., Boston, HA 02118.

S in c e r e ly , Andrew S h a ffe r, Oregon 4

[Editor's note: I feel compelled to respond to this, letter because it represents the thinking of a large number of homosexuals (among others) and the thinking can be deeper.

I believe that almost everyone wants to lead a private life but that has been denied to almost everyone who thinks or acts differently from the mainstream (I strongly object to "normal people" above'.). To me, homosexuals are people with an in­ nate sexual orientation; gays are people who incorporate that orienta­ tion into their social and spiritual lives.

So, for some (homosexuals) it mav be true that they are just like everyone else except for what they do in bed; but for others (gays) there is a vast difference impacting their whole lives.

The denial of any part of the self is a violence to one's humanity.

-RL)

Vear Ron, 7 uxu r e a lly s u rp rised to read sev­ e ra l l e t t e r s of c ritic is m In the la t e s t is s u e of RFP. Ever s in ce the is s u e b efo re th is one, 7 had been wan-ting to w rite you to t e l l you how much 7 enjoy RFV and that 7 thought i t was g ettin g b e tte r and b e tte r a l l th e tim e. Oh w ell, you can p lea se some of th e people some of th e tim e, but you can’t p lease all. of th e people a l l th e tim e. 7 fo r one c e rt a in ly cannot agree with Rainbow, who w rites "Why publish any mainstream a r t i c l e s on A7flR? Sim ilar rep o rts can be found in . . . the New Vork Times," e t c . Maybe so, but who the h e ll icants to read the U.v. Times?

And the next l e t t e r (by Henry L. Trevathan) I s even more nega tive.

Von’ t let. i t g e t you dom , you’ r e doing fin e .

7 lik e d Buddy Hay’ s re c ip e fo r Sloppy Jo es, p a rtic u la rly because 7 have been freez in g and thaivlng mu to fu fo r yea rs, i t giv es i t a very in t e r e s t in g , com pletely d i f f e r e n t te x tu re . And h ere i s a t ip for backpackers: Freeze your to fu , s o lid , then thaw out, then squeeze out a l l m oisture, now I t w ill keep : or sev era l days icithout r e f r i g e r a ­ tio n , even in hot weather. Or, i f you are the happy owner of a pyramid, you can s l i c e and dehydrate i t th e re , i t icitl keep even lo nger i f dehydrated that way. 7 can recommend "THE ANSWER--Pyramid Power to dehydrate F ru its and V egetab les,"

by Jan Mo r r is s (624 South Tucson B lv d ., Tucson, A rlz. 85716).

And, now that 7 am recommending books, one book th a t is busy chang-

ing my l i f e (again!) is "Opening to Channel," by Banaya Roman and Vuane Packer, LuminEssence P ublishing, P.n. Box 19117, Oakland, CA 94619.

Although I am not a ctu a lly channel­ ing y et, I am g e ttin g more and more, c le a r e r and c le a r e r guidance from th e other s id e every day.

7 can suAe sympathize with Lee Lawftence, 7 too l e t myself be seduced time and again by those damn catalogues, knowing b e tte r I ' l l s t i l t order b lu e b e rr ie s , goosebeAAies, whatever, then alt-you g e t is some bare-root bushes th a t a re VOA eveAy tim e. Licit they say th e re a re whole tr ib e s that neveA leaAnl That's a consolation.

Peace, lo v e, hugs, ShAi Raman VeaA RTV

Thank you for youA loving message of healing, hope, vision and emjoowerment--th a t being the folks submit­ ting a rt ic le s '. 7 want to offeA hisses and k isses to Vinight Vunaway for expressing that in d iv e rs ity th ere is the opportunity to gain new in s ig h ts . As a Pagan-Wiccan Bi­ male, th ere are very few p u blica ­ tions in the mainstream gay press 7 can id e n t ify with--but. with the p o li t i c a l / e c o l o g i c a l /s o c i a l /s p i r i t ­ ual opinions RTV provides, 7 don't fe e l so p o la rized , as 7 journey towards my own s e l f - d e f i n i t i o n — PTV is a g rea t s e rv ic e to a ll men. 'lay the God/dess within sh in e; t'alking -Tawards-the-Dream, Kansas [A COPY OF A LETTER SENT TO YOGA JOURNAL]

Dear frie n d s , As a Gay man, I 'd li k e to respond to your a r t i c l e , "Living with AIDS.” Louise Hay, though wise and loving in many m y s , spreads disinform ation about th e Gay com­ munity. She says, "They (Gays) have crea ted a c u ltu re that places tremendous emphasis on youth and beauty«.. Only the body counts.

Getting old is something to dread.

I t is almost b e tte r to die than to g e t old. So we have crea ted a d is ­ ease that k i l l s ."

This is o u trigh t l i e and slander.

This attachment to phy sica l beauty i s an ego problem, endemic to the human s p e c ie s , and i s ju s t as prevalent in the s tr a ig h t as in the Gay cormunity. Ju s t look around, and i t ' s obvious. The. Gay people

7 know a re h e a le rs , Voga te a c h e rs , sch o la rs, s p ir it u a l p eo p le. We know who we a re , and su rren d er g ra c e fu lly to the years.

Secondly, Jason Serinus says th a t, "AIDS i s a d isea se o f the h e a r t .” 7 suppose that, a baby who gets AIDS simply needs to change i t s a ttitu d e and a l l w ill be OK. The fa c t is th a t ATDS i s a powerful d ise a s e , and while we humans c e rt a in ly have much healing energy a t our command, we are not in v u ln era b le. Many of th ese s o -c a lle d h ealers a re simply in to ta l VENIAL. Every Person-withA7VS seems to eventually d ie of the d isea se, even a ft e r v a lie n tly hold­ in g on fo r 4 or 5 years. Rather than admitting that the d isea se caused th e ir deaths, Hay t e lls us that the people weren't 100% com­ m itted to th eir h ealing. This is blaming the victim , and is a denial of the fa c t s .

Tor a l l our h ealing, Shmuel. Levy C hristopher W right's remarks (copy­ rig h te d , no l e s s ! ; RTV Summer 1987) fin the article "The Uncoupled Male" — Ed.] have irk ed me enough to r e ­

spond. He waited u n til the very end of the. a r t i c l e to say that he thinks i t ’s O.K. fo r us to make our choices but his is "to remain an uncoupled male." 7 think i t would’ ve helped the reader i f h e'd sta ted that rig h t of f , instead o f giving us the im­ p ressio n that he teas review ing McW hirter and H attison's The Hale Couple o b je c tiv e ly .

W right's biases seem p re tty s e v e re . " If you become p art of a male couple you a re sign ed up to be bored."

Really? Doesn’ t th is depend on whether you and/or your mate are boring? I f you don’ t have any deep­ er i n t e r e s t or purpose in l i f e than turning on each o th e r’ s plumbijxg, soaking up alco h o l, and hanging b re a th le s s ly on each and every soap opera instalm ent, (which seems to be the case fo r many ga y s), no wonder y o u 're qu ickly bored.

He sn eers a t s e c u rity as "a mutual p ro tectio n so ciety " which, apparent­ l y fo r him, is beneath co nsidera­ tio n . Vet in a world of economic in s e c u r ity , homophobia, and a l l the r e s t , what’ s wrong with two gay men providing each other a sense of se c u rity , of helping each other through l i f e ’ s problems, of provid­ ing for each other a shared s a fe haven to come home, to? Must love be b re a th le s s ly all-encom passing as i f l i f e were a go th ic romance? Is q u ie t, mutual understanding boring?

B

Wright says toe need "independence of thought and judgem ent," which I ’ m a l l fo r , but 7 don’ t see that that needs to be co ld , s e lf- c e n t e r e d and n a r c i s s is t ic . Indeed, one way to a s s e rt independence, in today’ s a n ti­ s o c ia l clim ate is to be sharing and ca rin g . He lauds "to ta l s e lf- a c c e p ta n c e ." I demur. This sounds to me as a plea fo r arrogance, com­ placency and smugness. Never be s e l f - c r i t i c a l , because you're ob­ viously always rig h t? Perhaps that i s n ' t what he had in mind, but. th a t’ s what occu rred to me as I read on. As fo r being ab le to "sustain y o u rself em otionally," "you can do i t i f you have to ," he says, and makes i t sound as th o ’ by God you damn w ell b e t t e r . This sounds to me too much lik e the typical hot ere macho hero of the U .S .A .: do cvcvtthlng y o u rs e lf, by y o u rs e lf, for y o u rself (and blame y o u rself fo >t your fa i lu r e s , too!) A ltho’ I'v e been married and now I'm "out" as a gay male, I'v e had to think for my­ s e l f , s e t my men goats, and handle my own problems m yself most of my life .

I hope he doesn’ t mean that each of us ought to be an emotional­ ly autarchic monad able to overcome a l l of l i f e ' s problems a lt by him­ s e lf.

Learning to accept help from others is something I'm s t i l l work­ ing on.

Wright s ets up as the only a ccep t­ able id ea l " to ta lly s e l f l e s s love."

That keeps a coupling commitment in the realm of utopian fantasy, s a fe ­ ly out of anybody's reach. I t also in d ica tes that he S t i l l accepts the mainstream notion of an im possibly id e a liz e d "m arriage," even tho' h e 's also arguing aga in st that so rt of re la tio n s h ip . No one. is ever s e l f - l e s s excep t in unusual moments o f a ltru ism . Vou ca re because you enjoy caring or because you want your caring recip ro ca ted . Is that s e l f l e s s ? Is i t bad?

Love takers many forms and has many d egrees of in t e n s it y . Trying to tr e a t others f a i r ly in an u nfair world is a form of love. Helping others in a world in which no one ivants to " g e l involved" is also a form of lo v e. And, of cou rse, love can be exp ressed sex u a lly , a lth o ' many gay men seem to p r e fe r an im­ personal g e n ita l game--a head count --just like the heteros who keep sco re on how o ften they've scored!

Perhaps Tjw Male Couple can help us analyze a very complicated p a rt of our l i v e s . Be that as i t may, I hope I haven't been too harsh on C hristopher Wright.

Larry Wolf, Ohio

SAFE SEX PROGRAM DISRUPTED SHELL FIRES GAY EXECUTIVE The gay baths In Toronto had been giving frre condoms to their custo­ mers in an effort to promote safe sex, but police pressure has stopped the program. Tt seems the police feel that handing out condoms en­ courages people to engage in "acts of indecency" which would make the baths "common bawdy-houses"--an il­ legal entity under Toronto law.

Fear of police raids has caused the baths to discontinue the handouts.

Jeff Collins, director of Triton, a Shell Oil drug research subsidiary in Alameda, CA, was fired when his secretary discovered and turned over to his supervisors an invitation to a safe sex party. Mr. Collins has filed a $5 million wrongful termina­ tion suit in state court against Shell. Shell claims the secretary was so offended by the invitation that they had to fire him (!). [w b 7/31/87]

[Angles 5/87]

SUSPECTED HOMOPHOBES EXPELLED Two alleged members of "The Great White Brotherhood of the Iron Fist," an organization in Chicago that has harassed Gay men, have been expelled from the University of Chicago for two years. Under pressure from liberal and Gay groups, the college expelled Russell Miller and David White and has stepped up its inves­ tigation Into their activities.

[NVN 8/3/871

AIDS HOTLINE NOT FOR GAYS The British Columbia provincial overnment has given Si.5 million Canadian) to a heterosexual AIDS hotline that has no outreach to Gays. The day before, AIDS Van­ couver, an area Gay organization, had been refused a grant of $250,000 despite the fact that the Ministry of Health continues to refer people seeking HIV-antibody tests to AIDS Vancouver. Without government sup­ port, AIDS Vancouver is providing HIV-antibody testing, home care ser­ vices for persons with AIDS (PWAs), and a speaker's bureau. The govern­ ment seems upset that part of a pre­ vious $45,000 grant was used to print safe sex pamphlets that in­ cluded the words "sucking" and "fucking." [Angles 7/87] HOMOPHOBE BOYCOTTED Doug Collins, whose column in the North Shore News, a Vancouver, BC, newspaper, has repeatedly attacked Gays, native peoples, women, and liberals, drew fire from local Les­ bians recently. Walking past a demonstration supported by 24 liberal, Gay, and provincial organi­ zations, Collins reportedly asked them "Have you all been tested for AIDS?" A boycott of North Shore News has been called Tor-By repre­ sentatives of the Vancouver Lesbian Centre. [Angles 7/87]

NY STATE PROTECTS AIDS CONSUMERS POLICE HARASS PICNIC The Gay Alliance of Genesee Valley, a Rochester, NY, group, were holding their 13th annual Gay Community Pic­ nic at Genesee Valley Park, July 5, 1987. Around 7:00 p.m. a fight broke out between two women. A wit­ ness reported that "a phalanx of at least a dozen city police and county sheriff's deputies swept through the park" and told everyone to leave.

Some were physically expelled from the park; when reminded that the park closed at 11:00 p.m., one of­ ficer said "It closes when we say it closes." This follows other harassments by Rochester police against Gays, Blacks, and Hispanics, and is part of a pattern against non-white and Gay minorities in that city.

[EC 8/87]

Virginia M. Apuzzo, the Governor's Liaison to the Lesbian and Gay Com­ munity, said that New York State is working to protect the consumer in­ terests of persons with AIDS. In her role as deputy executive direc­ tor of the State Consumer Protection Roard, Apuzzo joined Executive Di­ rector Richard M. Kessel and Assem­ blyman Jerold Nadler to release the findings of a Consumer Protection Board study on the price of AZT. The survey of 176 pharmacies across the state revealed differences in price quotations of more than $3000 for a one month supply. Apuzzo en­ couraged persons living outside New York state to contact their local government consumer agencies to dis­ cus" AIDS-related consumer com­ plaints. "The gay community can help to alert responsible agencies to consumer problems wherever they are identified."

POLICE INFILTRATION MANIT0RA VOTES ANTI-DISCRIMINATION The Philadelphia Lesbian A Gay Task Force (PLGTF) has had its meetings infiltrated by police, because of rumors of "criminal ac­ tivity." The PLGTF was organizing a peaceful protest at Independence Hall in support of Gay rights. The protest, held on July 16, when a special session of Congress was in progress, drew over 1000 people.

[TWN 8/5/87]

ANTI-GAY STABBING

By a margin of 29 to 25, Manitoba joins the growing numbers of Cana­ dian provinces which prohibit dis­ crimination on the basis of sexual preference. A broad coalition of groups, including Manitoba Teachers Society, Planned Parenthood, Gay and church groups brought pressure to bear on the government, which split along party lines. All Tories voted against while the Liberals voted for, which carried the day. [Angles 8/87]

William Safian, a 21 year old straight man from New York who was visiting San Francisco, was stabbed to death by a man who thought he was Gay. Allegations are that Pablo Imeri had been drinking and called Safian "fruit" and "faggot" before stabbing him twice. Police say there is no evidence that Safian did anything to provoke the attack.

[TWN 8/5/87]

6

PRESS IGNORES SUICIDE Robert Blackman of Australia doused himself with gasoline and lit a match in front of the Colchester cattle market in protest of animal abuse. All the papers in Australia except for one, The Quill, re­ trained from writing about the in­ cident. [EF! 6/21/87]

SOUTHERN MAGICK QUARTERLY

NEW GAY HISTORY DEPARTMENT FOR RFD

Stardust Salamander is a new quar­ terly newspaper o' Southern Magick Each issue contains seasonal ritu­ als, informative articles, enter­ taining fiction, art work, poetry, cartoons, etc. $ubs--S?.G9/yr.

Samnle--three °?<t stamps. Write: Temple Stardust, °.P. P-ox Tango, Memphis, TN 78184.

RFD hopes to develop a Gay History department, publishing articles, etc., that relate to our pre-Stonewall past. Please send in submis­ sions if you would like to see this department materialize.

THE BIG DROP In a recent Gallup Poll, Americans' trust in organized religion dropped 9%, from 66% to 57%. This is the largest annual shift since polls were first taken. George Gallup was so surprised at the change, he had the question repeated a month later, which was not normally done, and got the same results. Mr. Gallup speculated that religion's involvement with politics had a lot to do with the drop, [m o l #35) POPPY MEMORIAL The Poppy Project was created by San Franciscans who have lost friends or loved ones to AIDS. It is meant as a healing ritual, spiritual statement, and living memorial to those who have died. California poppy seeds will be sown on hill­ sides throughout the city of San Francisco to be a reminder that there is life, love, and spirit in SF's gay community. To get in­ volved, write: The Poppy Project, 1B6 States St., San Francisco, CA 94114; (415) 864-1141.

FLF FAMILY BUYS LAND Dn January 23, 1987, the ELF Lore Family, Inc., became the proud owners of 109 acres of land in southern Indiana. They hope to develop it into a sanctuary with room for camping, crafts, farming, etc. The ELF Family is seeking members to help them work with the land. Write: ELF, Box 1082, Bloomington, IN 47402. [wmb, Spring/Summer 87]

FOXY GROUP The Fox Valley Gay Association is a group based in the western suburbs of Chicago (Flgin-Fox River Valley area). They wish to encourage ac­ ceptance and understanding of Gay­ ness and promote the welfare of their members. Write: FVGA, Box 393, Elgin, IL 60120.

Original research is welcome, as well as new presentations of already documented aspects of our past. New interpretations of and personal re­ flections on our history are also encouraged.

Does anyone have information on the gay history of rural areas of the U.S.? Are there any readers over 65 who could share with us their knowledge of gay culture (city or country) in the 20's , 3n 's, 40's?

Can anyone enlighten us on "fairy history"--what ideas and visions of Whitman and Carpenter (or others) are still of relevance?

Gay history is not a1! contained in the "western-rhristian-white-ma1e" tradition. Black, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Lesbian, American Indian (etc.) history, and cross-cultural studies, are encouraged.

So--help us out. Once again let it be said that RFD is a "readerwritten journal." Aside from some reprints, we can publish only what you send us. The possibilities for this new department are wide open.

FREE RFT) SUBSCRIPTIONS FOR PWA'S Because of the extremely high cost of health care, many people with AIDS find themselves in financial difficulties. RFD is therefore offering a limited number of free subscriptions to PWAs (5% of total subscriptions). RFD would like to offer more free subs, but as a non­ profit and small circu^tion maga­ zine, we simply cannot afford to offer 'ree more than 10% of the total subs (the other 5% goes to prisoners). After the number o' 'ree subs is filled up, we will start a waiting list 'or others who request this service, lust write to pt~9 if you are interested in this offer.

NEW NATURAL HEALING BOOK AIDS (or Other 111s)--Recovery-~ Prevention--The Natural Way, by S. Coleman, author of "Anarcho-Healthcare," is now available from Dawn Press, P.0. Box 137, Lincoln Park, MI 48146, at $12.95.

7

LESBIAN AND HAY ‘V\RCH °N WASHINGTON The March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights will be October 11, 1.987. Many other actions in support of Gay and Lesbian rights are planned for the 9th through the 13th For information, write: March on Washington Committee, P.0. Box 7781, Washington, DC 20044; (202) 7831828.

"PARANORMAL" NORMAL According to the National Opinion Research Center, 67% of Americans say they have experienced FSP. 4 ?r say they have had contact with the dead, 29‘v reported visions, and 31% have had clairvoyant experi­ ences. An increase in FSP could account for the larger number of inquiries to the Foundation for Re­ search on the Nature of Man. The foundation can direct, callers to aid for "confusing or distressing effects of ostensibly paranormal experiences." Write: Rox 6487, Durham, NC 27708. [ mol #35] MAGICKAL CARAVAN TO WASHINGTON Beginning October 3, 1987, faeries and other magickal creatures will begin the trek to Washington, DC, for the October 11 Lesbian and Gay March on Washington. Four tenta­ tive caravan routes are plotted.

Gay people--rural and urban--and all their friends are encouraged t,o meet up with the nearest caravan and join in the trek t.o Washington. It is planned that all caravans will ren­ dezvous for a gathering in Shenan­ doah Mat1onal Park on October 9, and from there proceed to Washington for the March. for information, and to 'ind out how to join up with the Maqickal Caravan coming from or go­ ing through your area, write the ap­ propriate regional coordinator. ror the North (beginning in the North­ west), write: The raravan, c/o Ginger (Hike McNamara) or Dawn Touchant Prince, 704 r D1ke, Seattle WA ngioo. r?0fi]g?3_i?20. For the central U.S. (beginning in San Fran­ cisco) and for the Southeast, write: The Caravan, c/o/ Harry Ugol, 150?

Golden Gate Ave., San Francisco, CA 94115; (415) 346-5987. For the Southwest, write: The Caravan, c/o Harry Hay and John Burnside, 5343 La Cresta Court, Los Angeles, CA 90038; (213) 469-7949.

NEW ROOK ABOUT AIDS

NEW BOOK ON GAY SUBSTANCE ABUSE

The PWA Coalition of New York has published a book called Surviving and Thriving with AIDS: Hints for the Newl y Diagnosed The book is written by ana for~people with AIDS, and includes articles dealing with the medical, financial, emotional (etc.) aspects of the disease. Sur­ viving and Thriving is offered free to PWAs and PWArcs. For others, cost is $10.00, plus 40<£ handling.

Write: PWA Coalition, Inc., 263A West 19th Street, Room 125, New York, NY 10011; (212) 627-1810.

The NALGAP Annotated Bibliography: Alcoholism, Substance Abuse, and Lesbians/Gay Men is 25° pages and includes over ODD fully annotated citations. It is the first attempt to compile everything that has been published and written concerning chemical addiction in the Lesbian and Gay communities. If a book, article, brochure, pamphlet, con­ ference paper, dissertation, thesis, or manuscript mentioned Lesbians or Gay men and some type(s) of chemical addiction, it was included in the bibliography. Each entry is an­ notated without bias or commentary.

Selected bibliographies are also in­ cluded for treatment professionals, Gays and Lesbians coming out, and those with drug addictions. Cost is $25.00, postage and handling $1.50. Write: NALGAP, 1208 E. State Blvd,, Fort Wayne, IN 46805.

★ VEGETARIANISM AND AIDS The organization American Vegetari­ ans reports that independent poll­ sters in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Washington DC, Arkansas, and the Midwest have found no long term vegetarians with AIDS. Meat consumption, like AIDS, exhausts the immune system, as it has to deal with bacteria from another animal.

97T, of food poisoning deaths a year in the U.S. are caused by animal products. Salmonella cases are run­ ning from 400,000 to 4 million a year. There is a high incidence of consumption of African Green Monkey meat in Zaire--could that be a fac­ tor in the spread of AIDS? [Civitas 6/871

★ AIDS NOW-DISCRIMINATORY The U.S. Media portrays AIDS as a gay/white disease, but figures show that persons of color are much harder hit by the disease. 50^ of reported cases among Blacks and Mispanics are among heterosexuals.

Rlack women are thirteen times more likely to get AIDS than white wo­ men, according to the CDC. M inority communities also have a higher in­ cidence of Tw-drug use, which is linked to the social and economic pressures they face.

[Rites 4/87]

k NEW LINKS A recent medical study has shown that heterosexual persons with AIDS (PWAs) In Zaire and homosexual PWAs in the U.S. have one thing 1n common that sets them apart from uninfected people--a high level of infection with four viral diseases: herpes, cytomegalovirus, Fpstein-Rarr virus, and hepatitis-R. It is thought that a dormant AIDS infection could be awakened by a stimulated irranune sys­ tem, trying to fight off an entirely different disease, [civitas 6/871

DISAPPOINTING AIDS C ^ I S S I O N President Reagan has appointed an "AIDS Advisory Panel" made up of mostly disappointing people without any experience or knowledge of AIDS. The chair of the panel, Eugene May­ berry, a specialist in cancer and gland research and chief executive of the Mayo Clinic, has frankly stated, "I'm no AIDS expert." Other panelists include: Richard DeVos, •''■esident of Amway Corporation and reputed to be active in extreme right-wing politics; Admiral James D. Watkins, former chief of U.S. naval operations; John J. rreedon, chief executive of Metropo!itan Life Insurance Company; nr. Cory Servaas, editor of the Saturday rvening post and a regular guest host of nat Pphertson's The 7QD flub; Illinois "epublican state Pepresentative Denny Dullen; nr. Theresa L. Cren­ shaw, a sex-therapist who favors ab­ stinence as the best way to control AIDS; Dr. J. purton Lee, reportedly right-wing and homophobic; Dr. Col­ leen Conway-Welch; Dr. William B. Walsh; and Dr. Woodrow A. Myers, Health Commissioner of Indiana.

Myers, a Black man, is the only non-white on the panel. The panel also includes one gay man, Dr. Frank Lilly, and Cardinal John D'Connor, known for his efforts to defeat the New York City Gay rights bill.

In response to President Reagan's appointments, the House of Represen­ tatives voted 355 to 68 to create its own panel to inform it on AIDSrelated issues. The bill creating the House-backed committee, intro­ duced by Rep. J. Roy Rowland (P-GA), a physician, requires that at least ° of the 15 panel members be experts in medicine, science, law and eth­ ics "who are specifically qualified to serve on the rommission by reason of their education, training, or experience." The White House issued a statement opposing the House's commission on AIDS, [n t n 8/10/87, &, WB 8/7/87]

8

★ SEMINARS ON AIDS Laurence E. Radgley, M.D., author of Healing AIDS naturally, will be leading seminars in various cities (San Diego, Boston, New York, Wash­ ington, Atlanta, Miami, San Fran­ cisco) in October and November, on AIDS and the immune system. For information, write: Human Energy Resources, Inc., 370 West San Bruno Ave., Suite D, San Bruno, CA 94066; (415) 588-4636.

★ GENETIC QUESTIONS Quoting an article by William Booth in Science (7/42/87), the New York Native has presented some very odd facts. Genetic scientists at the Pasteur Institute in Paris have discovered that the genetic material of certain African insects is very similar to that of the HIV-1. Given the infinite combina­ tions that DNA can take, the chances are extremely small that a virus and a butterfly should share even similar genetic codes. But they do, along with certain mosquitos, cockroaches, and ant lions, [n y n 8/17/87]

k SPECULATION ON SOURCE OF AIDS More evidence that the AIDS virus, HIV-1 (formerly called HTLV-III) may have been the product of genetic en­ gineering is available on a cassette tape recording of a Radio Free Amer­ ica program. Send $6 to: Magnatape Broadcasting, 1619 Commonwealth Ave., Boston, MA 02135. [civitas 6/87]

MASS SUICIDES? Since April of 1987, 400 small whales have beached themselves and died on the northeast coast of Brazil, near the village of Itacare. Whales have been beaching themselves all over the world in recent years and a suspicion privately held by environmentalists was voiced recently by Joao Sampaio. "The most likely hypothesis we have is a kind of collective suicides," the government environ­ mentalist Said. [EF! 6/21/87] ■■ SEA LION ATTACKS FISHERMAN Last April, a sea lion lept from the sea onto the deck of a fishing boat in Kodiac harbor, siezed a 220-pound man, dragged him deep under water, bit him on the but­ tocks, and then released him-totally humiliated! One Alaskan was reported as saying "these animals have become very bold..."

[EF! 6/21/87]

■■ BALD EAGLES KILLED Upwards of 30 bald eagles have been found shot in and around the LaBouchere Bay logging camp on Prince of Wales Island, 75 miles northwest of Ketchikan, AK. It appears that the loggers shot the birds for fun as they roosted in the trees. The camp manager, John King, is sus­ pected of allowing the "sport" to go on, hidden from wildlife of­ ficials. Killing an eagle is a punishable offence under U.S. law.

[F.F! 8/1/87]

■ ■ REVENGE OF THE MOLES Faced with a mole problem in his garden, a Missouri farmer resorted to mouse traps baited with cheese, sunflower seeds, and hamburger. 48 moles, voles, and mice were caught.

Then one morning he found a new gardening hose chewed in half with "numerous tiny bites taken out of it." Retribution from on low?

[F&G 8-9/87]

CEWER FARMrnS Hardly 2? of America's population now lives on farms, according to the latest Census Bureau report.

Total farm population, now at 5,226,00(1 is 129,000 less than a year ago. [f b n 4/87]

ENVIRONMENT & FAUNA BIJRGFR KING CROWNED Bowing under grassroots pressure from all over the world, Burger King, a fast-food business in the U.S. owned by Pillsbury Corp., has agreed to stop buying beef from Cen­ tral America. The production of beef cattle in Central America has led to awesome destruction of rain­ forests as land was cleared for pasture. Burger King promises all rainforest meat will be purged from its system by Sept. 1 , 1987. [efj_ 8/1/87]

■■ NEW ZEALAND TO AXE RAINFORESTS? The anti-nuclear Labour government of New Zealand is seemingly in­ different to a plan to destroy 70,000 80,000 hectares of virgin beech rainforest in their country.

The "beech-management scheme" could lead to vast flooding and erosion (the area affected gets up to 120 inches of rain a year). It would provide 250 jobs for 10 years and almost all of the wood would be sent to Japan to be made into paper.

[EF! 6/21/87]

TOURIST IMPACT Alison P. Monroe says, in her indepth study of the impact of tour­ ism projects on small towns, that tourists are as bad as strip-mining Ms. Monroe notes the amount of tourist money is finite and must be shared between many communities.

It could also shrink at any time due to forces beyond the control of local governments (gas prices, for example). Big tourism projects can overwhelm small communities, usurp local resources, and drive residents away just as mining projects do.

■■ ANIMAL L.AB TORCHED California animal activists recent­ ly set fire to an almost-completed University of CA-Davis farm animal research lab. They caused A3,5 million worth of damage and delayed completion of the facility for at 1east a year. [EF! ] ■ ■ Directory of Announcements Source s

WILDERNESS = HERPES Speaking to a group of logging executives, Joe Hinton of the In­ termountain Forest Industry Associa­ tion said: "Wilderness is like herpes. Once you get it, it's for­ ever." He was arguing for opening all of Montana's remaining roadless areas before they could be desig­ nated wilderness and be put off limits to loggers. [EF! 8/1/87] ■■ HAWAIIAN DEAD DUCKS Thanks to a 550,ono gallon spill of jet and diesel fuel by Chevron in ^earl Harbor, the endangered Hawaiian may soon be extinct.

A 95-acre refuge and breeding oround has been contaminated and the ducks and Hawaiian ^tilts, another en­ dangered species, have abandoned it. ir chevron hari notified o fficiais of the soi11 quickly enough, the con­ tamination would not have happened, yet they face no penalties for their gross ineptitude and mass canardicide!

[EF!] 9

An g l e s , P.O. Box 3287, MPO, Van­ couver, British Columbia V6B 3X9, CANADA Civi t a s , Box 26, Swain, NY 14884 EC--Empty C l o s e t , 713 Monroe Avc., Rochester, NY 14607 EF!--Earth F i r s t ! , P.O. Box 5871, Tucson, A 7. 85703 FBN--Farm Bureau N o w s , 5301 Glenwood Ave., Raleigh, NC 27611 F &G--Flower and G a r d e n , Modern Handicrafts, Tnc., 4251 Penn­ sylvania, A v e . , Kansas City, MO 64111 MOL— Master of L i f e , Box 38, Malibu CA 90265 N YN— New York N a t i v e , That New Magazine, P.O. Box 1475, Church St. Station, New York, NY 10008 R i t e s , Box 65, Station F, Toronto, Ontario M4Y 2L4, CANADA T W N — The Weekly N e w 3 , 901 NE 79th St., Suite 20, Miami, FL 33138 W B — Washington B l a d e , 724 Ninth St. NW, 8th FI., Washington, DC

20001 W M B — Wild Magic Bul l e t i n , P.O. Box 1082, Bloomington, IN 47402

GATHERINGS Gray Lady Place P.O. Box 611 Blum, TX 76627 (Gatherings around the Summer Sol­ stice and Thanksqtvinq) Magdalen Farm Wolf Creek, OR (For information on qathering times, write: NOMENUS, P.O. Box 11655, San Francisco, CA 94101 Midwest Men's Festival (For information, contact Gabby Haze, Belly Acres, Rt. 1, Dowelltown, TN 37059; (615) 536-5287) Northeastern IJ.S. qatherinqs-There are usually gatherings at the Winter Solstice, around Halloween, and in April, at Pinebush (NY); around the Sumner Solstice 1n the Tthaca, k|Y, area; and around Labor Gay at Blue Heron (NY). For infor­ mation on these and other gatherinqs in the northeastern II.S., con­ tact lay Warren, 33 Rlchdale Ave., Cambridge, MA 02140.

Running Water Rt. 1, Rox 127-F Rakersvllle, NC 28705 (Gatherings at the Summer Solstice and the Autumn Fquinox. Write for information.)

Short Mountain Sanctuary Rt, 1 Box 84-A Liberty, TN 37096 (Gatherings in the spring and fall.

Write for information.)

SANCTUARTFS AND RETREAT CENTERS Common Ground p . O , Box 302 Kempsey, 3440 nsu AIJSHALIA A rural wilderness community M r gay men and women that welcomes visitors.

Mandalen rarm Wolf rreek, op A newly-established Merle sanctuary, for information, write: MnMrNUS, p . o . Box 116661 Ban rrancisco, rA 04191 .

i

RFD FAERIE ! DIRECTORY There are many fairy-related groups that are not listed here. There are other gatherings, fairy circles in cities, fairy households, other fairy businesses, etc. We have listed all that we have information on, but would like to expand this list in future issues of RFO. °lease send us information on what you and your friends are creating, so that the Radical Faerie com­ munity can continue growing in strength and friendship.

911” LIGATIONS Rrothersong P.n. Box 13158 Minneapolis, MN 554 M Published Ouarterly. Subscription *16. Single issue 54, Faerie Home Companion Rainier B^I 616 E. Thomas Seattle, WA 98102 "Somewhat quarterly newsletter by and M r the Northwest Radical Faeries." one year subscription, four ??t stamps. Dequest "tasteful envelope" if necessary.

Gamut ("Gay Alternative Men Under Trees"l 'Mid Lavender 34 Pueensdown poad London,r6 3NN f »'GLANP rio M r one year subscription.

Cheques payable to "GMPP." Le Peau Monde 7\r^'RoYMrtT6 Pineville, LA H36 1 Skip: (318) 442-3747

1 SHAWL KEEPERS 1 ■ I ■

Lin Mazlow 1435 Fulton St. *4 San Francisco, CA 94117 M l Sl 667-9?38

I Dimid (D.A. Hayesl I P.n. p,ox 49?n I Santa Re, NM ->8594 |

(696)

471-1736

Also--Short Mountain Sanctuary and Running Hater (see the "Sanctuaries and Retreat Centers" section). « » FAIRY HOTLINES Tel-A-Fairie (San Francisco) (415) 643-6064 Recorded message detailing fairierelated events in the Bay Area Fairy Phone Line (Seattle) (’’06) 704-9996 pecorded message detailing fairierelated events in the Northwest « » MISCELLANEOUS The Oircle of Loving Companions 5343 LaCresta Court Los Angeles, CA 90938 Good Fairy Productions P.O. Box 12188 Broadway Station Seattle, WA 98102 r‘'usicians, recordinq artists) Touch Circle P.O. Box 3350 Berkeley, CA 94703 (Keepers of the Holy Fairy Database, a centralized mailing list for faeries, disseminating information on gatherings, other faerie events, etc. Write for information.)

The School for Gentle Hands ’P M Flat Shoals Rd. Atlanta, GA 39316 (404) ->43.9787 (Alternative healing--Chinese medicine, herbalism, etc. Hasses offered.)

Mandala

Chowan Creek Uki, MSW ?484

AUSTRALIA Pural resource center for gay men and their friends.

Running Water Retreat Center Rt. 1 Box 127-E Bafcersville, NC 28705 Short Mountain Sanctuary Rt. 1 Box 84-A Liberty, TN 37095

RFD Rt. 1 Box 127-E Bakersville, NC 28705 Quarterly. S12 for 1 year sub­ scription. Sample issue S4.75.

Vortex Media P.o, Box 11622 San Francisco, CA 94101 Vortex has a series o f publications in process, called "A Radical Fairy's Eeedbed." Write Vortex for information.

10

Treeroots P.O. Box 2302 Los Angeles, CA 90078 (A non-profit organization dedicated to working with gay men at reclaim­ ing gay-centered spirit-vision realizations) Wild Lavender Co-op 34 Queensdown Road Hackney Downs London E5 8NN ENGLAND

a 787 increase in subscriptions the last time such data was friend to our network and watch word about RFD!

| i

TX NC, WA IL VA GA, OH wi MA OR fl , PA MI» MO IN* LA, NJ TN MN AZ, CO, ^s , ky CT, TA, MD NM . SC At, DC, NR , 8K MF a k . AR,

iI NF,vt NV, I WV J ND HI>MS

UT DE, MT, PR , RI, SD ID, WY

Foreign Subscriptions: Australia - 6 (NSW - 3, ACT 1, Qld, - 1, SA - 1); Belize - 1; Canada - 22 (Alb. • 3, BC - 11, NS - 2, Ont, - 4, PQ - 2); France - 3; Japan - 1; Mexico - 1; Spain - 1; United Kingdom - 1: West Germany - 3. Grand Total - 1065.

11

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

47 44 38 30 29 28 27 26 25 24

13 14 15

19 (tie) 18 17

16

15 (tie)

17 18

14 (tie) 13 (tie)

1 (MD)

19 20

iO (tie) 8

7 (OK) 1

21

7 (tie)

22 23 24 25

5 (tie) 4 (tie) 3 2

26 27

1 (tie) 0 (!)

1$

This data represents since November 10 8 1 , compiled. Connect a it grow. Spread the

1 1 1 I I I 1 I *: 1 1 I 1 I 1 9 1 1 i 1

1

Have you ever wondered who out there is reading RFD? Obviously we have, being concerned with increasing the number of subscribers to give RFD more financial stability. A first step in that direction is to know where our subscribers are and are not. We now have subscribers in 48 states of the US, 5 Canadian pro­ vinces, and 8 other countries. To make our readers aware of our distribution, we present this map and chart, current as of August 17, 1987, including sub­ scriptions expiring with issue *52. Through book­ stores and exchange advertising with other publica­ tions, awareness of RFD is growing. However, the best publicity for pFD is still by word of mouth to friends, acquaintances, gay groups, local gay media, etc. We hope these statistics will provide some motivation to increase awareness of orn in your area.

1

X's = Bookstores where RFD is 0 = Running Water, current home of RFD 9 ’s = Previous homes of R_FD (Grinnell, IA; Wol f Creek op; ft rf1and, NC)

(tie)

5 1 (NC) 3 (WA) 2 1 2 (OH)

(tie) (tie)

1 2 (FL) 1 (PA) 2 (MO)

(tie)

6 (IN) 4 (LA) 1 2 2 (KS) 1 (KY) 1 (AZ)

1 (NE) 2 (NV)

ATHERINGS

by KENN WALLERZANGHI

reetings from deep in the magical heart of Texas! For those of you who don't know, Gray Lady place is a small farm located in the central part of the state . . . about 46 miles south of the Dallas/ Fort Worth metroplex, oWned and operated

by Kenn Wal1er-Zanghi and Pandv Thomas, Gray Lady Place has been the site of several faerie gatherin over the years. n pattern has been established and gatherings now occur twice a year with the first falling on the weekend closest to the Summer Solstice and with the Fall Gathering occurring over the Thanks­ giving weekend. Although rather small in number of attendants (as compared to some of the older, more established gatherings), the numbers continue to grow as more and more people rind their way into the woody hills where the farm is located.

G

The second annual Summer Solstice fathering was held June 19th, 20th and ?lst this year. A total of four­ teen faeries from across Texas and Louisiana attended.

A number of circles were worked through and played with, but the high point of the gathering was, without doubt, the Saturday afternoon ”ea Dance followed by a bell ringing, joyous Don Voyage party for our beloved Rijk Wilkinson who had planned to attend the gathering but entered instead into another plane of existence on May ?Rth. Rijk was a frequent visitor to the farm and while his physical presence will be sorely missed, his spiritual gifts to us will keep a feel inn of closeness to him with us until next we meet.

I to D ; Steve of Austin, Gary o f Louisiana, Raphael Sabatini, Fdwin of Austin, Hyperion of Pallas, Allen of Beaumont, Russ of Louisiana, Jeff of Houston, Kenn Waller-7unghi, David of Louisiana, and Randy Thomas.

Gathering participants were able to find relief from the Texas heat by once again skinny dipping in the beautiful Nolan River which runs along the boundaries of Gray Lady Place. The river also provided part of the food for the gathering when our Great Mother al­ lowed Kenn, Randy and Kenn's father to harvest nearly 70 pounds of catfish in the two days preceding the gathering. There was a PIG outdoor catfish fry one evening . . . with hush puppies and all the proper fixings!

HORNY MEMORY from American Ridge Gathering * *'ay - °7 (while doing laundry) Smoky, pungent smell of my butch, Hannel shirt still permeates my periwinkle shorts brings me back to the fire of our ritual.

The fire that burned, exhilarated that burned in urgent groins were offered to the God the horned Tae. Pan’s music thick in our blood amoeba of lovers writhing together, circling the heat of his fire--glowing creature with eleven cocks sea of lips, fingers caressing skin, soft fur.

Manchests undulate from gentle, f1erce tongues dancing upon our tits.

We offered the seed of our pleasure back to the fire and the (ew covered earth.

Many of the faeries did not leave until Monday the 22nd, which always makes one feel that things went well . . . that people were not in any hurry to leave this magical place. And prior to leaving, a photo­ graphy session featuring Raphael Sabatini was done . . . photos will appear in the RFP special nraq issue (the "Riohtcously Formal Draq" feature in i s s u e #64, S p r in g lo88--Fd.1.

The next Gray Lady Place gathering will be the fourth annual Fall Gathering which occurs during the thanks­ giving holidays (November 25, 26, ?7, , and 2° this year). If you would like to attend this gathering or wish for more information, please write to Gray Lady Place, P.0. Box 611, Blum, TX 76627.

( " H o m y Memory" is reprinted, with permission, "rom vol. 1, issue 3, o'7 Faerie Home Compa n i o n , Rainier 3-1, 616 E. Thomas, Seattle, WA 98102.1

Periwinkle 12

Six London Gay Poets

artin Humphries, poetry editor at the Gay Men'-. r'ress in London, has compiled a selection of poetry and notes on poets to introduce °JTr’ readers to gav poets living and writ.ino in Ion-ton. five o f the poets fnot Steve rranfieldl are invol ve-1 with The r>ei-e .*ro; in Os­ cars, a nay poetry group based in Iondon that is primarily concerned with public readings. - f.A „

ANON remember where we met?

Between a hole in a loo i liked the look and took you home, cooked rubber steaks with onions made love in that creaky bed oh you were good and i enjoyed you, a three week affair a strong lasting friendship i enjoyed you all.

Pat O'Brien lives in London and works in a supermarket. His first collection of poems has appeared in Respectively (The Oscars Press, 1087) and others of his poems are in Not Love Alone: Snodern Gay Anthology (Gay Men's Press, 1985)

When you became positive you said it yourself "my precautions were too late" i just hugged you.

You died gay you died with dignity that makes me proud.

It didn't matter you had died of AIRS only that you knew how much you matter to me.

13

Anthony William Mann lives 1n London. His first col­ lection from which 'The Cottage' is taken was pub­ lished in 'Respectively...', The Oscars Press, 1987.

THE COTTAGE One day temptation took me maybe T was bored or wanting to feel guilty but I went to a cottage It was a hot. summer's afternoon the cottage was busy half a dozen men four lined up against one wal1 two far apart against the other none smiling none talking all peering behind and from side to side At the other end of the cottage all doors were engaged men on knees standing on seats peering through holes passing notes Age? Size?

Likes I stopped and waited men switched positions at the urinals and doors opened and shut. as men played musical cubicles Intrigued I watched on One door was left ajar an adjacent door hastily opened "no sound of the chain being pulled" and in he went A free cubicle Shall I? ves I went in Shut and locked the door sat down a few seconds passed then a telegram arrived accompanied by a pen "how thoughtful" Likes?

Size? the usual thing So for a laugh I replied likes? cup of tea and biscuits Size? preferably a mug I rolled the paper round the pen and posted it back, through the hole A reply promptly arrived rarl Orey or Harjeeling? rarl 'Vey milk and one sugar!

T replied The chain was pulled the door opened A shadow and foot.steps passed the washroom area T pulled my chain opened the door and headed in the same direction To my amazement a kettle was already on the boil a red and white checked tablecloth placed neatly on the floor with cups and saucers and a large pTate of biscuits T was motioned to sit down handed a cup of tea and the two of us started a conversation Soon a procession of chains were pulled and the others joined us helping themselves to a cup of tea and a bicky all swapping names and stories we all agreed to meet the next day at three "bring a friend and a packet of bikkies" was our motto News soon got round and people from miles travelled not to pee but for tea and a chat We're planning hot soup for the winter months business has really taken off

Peter Daniels lives in London and is a member of The Performing Oscars. His first collection appeared in 'Breakfast in Red', The Oscars Press, 1987, 'Editorial' has also appeared in Gay Scotland and Adam & Tarzan.

EDITORIAL We all have to be reasonable about this because after all, nobody wants diseased nancy murderers polluting our churches, schools and television screens.

In this day and age, let us thank God there are a few certainties, and one of them is death.

As everybody knows, in the first place it was caused when a homosexual Haitian started injecting haemophilia gathered from slaughtered babies.

Safest not to let, our children walk that side of the street if we want grandchildren. Shoot them first.

We have to be reasonable about this because after all, nobody wants these typhoid leper bloodsuckers sprinkling unclean guilt everywhere.

In this day and age, let us thank God we still have innocent heterosexuals to care for.

As everybody knows, in the first place it was caused when a homosexual Haitian wore an infected condom at a blood transfusion clinic. It was our reporter found that even now the great Rritish contraceptive isn't safe from them. How unfair.

We have to be reasonable about this because after all, nobody expected the hail of frogs, or the seas turning to blood, either.

In this day and age, let us thank God there are some surprises ready for Sodom.

As everybody knows, in the first place it was caused when a homosexual Haitian shared a plate of infected pork with a green monkey that he'd sold to a film star.

Since it was made legal, it's been all too easy for these secret carriers. Make them do it in public.

We have to be reasonable. As everybody knows, you can tell them by their white socks and green ties.

So watch that man beside you on the bus, for all you and I know, he's the Great Beast.

Look out for yourself, he's qoing to point his finger and then he's going to die.

I have a secret love. My heart is burning, But will he play the game? I know some tricks.

I'll fall into his strong arms like a fix.

I'll stir some unmet, deep, unconscious yearning In his man's breast. Passion will mount. Tides turning.

His swelling manhood pressed. To mine. Limbs mix.

He'll see the light. (I've known since I was six.)

All parts rhyme. Yearning, burning and returning.

Surrendering the all I have to give.

I've got you under my skin. Now each day's Dawning will bring discoveries, new ways To mesh us. Never split. Infinitive.

Vows, hearts, exchanged. We'll die of love, Cliches, Like viruses, need our fresh blood to live.

14

GIVE ME BACK M Y MAN in memoriam Ricky Wilson

Steve Cranfield grew up in London's rast Fnd. For the past few years he has lived in inner London doing crisis intervention work with drug addicts, he also works with the Terence Higgins Trust. His work has appeared in Square Peg and Not Love A1one, his first collection I_n Prison Blood wil 1 appear with work by Martin Humphries in Salt "In Honey Spring 1988.

Martin Humphries is the editor of Hot Love Alone: A Modern Hay Anthology (Gay Men's Press, 1Q% ) , coeditor with Andy Metcalf o f The Sexuality of Men feiuto Press, 1RB5) and with Gillian F. Hanscombe of Heterosexuality (Gay Men's Press, ir,R7). His poetry has a p D e a r e d in two collections: Mirror (1DB0) and Searching for a Destination (1°H?). His third collec­ tion, "The Dance in the Stone," will be published in spring 1HR7 with work by Steve Gran^ield under the collective title title Salt in Honey.

THE WORLD WE LIVE IN ( f o r many voices)

'whats that saying about not seeing the forest for the trees whats that saying about not seeing the forest for the trees well you can't see the sex for the heterosexuality' 'the birds and bees (blues poem)' Isaac Jackson 'This is the time, and this is the record of the time.

This is the time, and this is the record of the time.'

'So Happy Birthday' Laurie Anderson Today officially In Russia

homosexuality is

against the law but a growing phenomenon our situation is a horrible one

In Fngland tolerated but seen as a sad condition

under threat

we are scapegoats

outcasts, lepers whom

fascists target as responsible for for the spread of AIDS: 'by far the greatest degree of risk is posed by sexual perverts.

About time we pointed out where the responsibility lies'9

'normal people shun' treat as a snake a poisonous insect their mysterious horror comes from instinct Doctors blame homes and schools, 'the overwhelming dominance of women11 (it is the Doctors who need therapy) It can be cured they say.

In

England

Russia we are known amongst ourselves as goluboi (1 ight blue)

c. Martin Humphries 1. Dr. Vyacheslav Maslov of the All Union Sexopathology Council.

gay warm brothers who

leave for moscow and

are not afraid of

life 15

2. Townend - Conservative member of Parliament during Questions on AIDS in the House 10.3.1987.

LETTER O N A 125 Dear number 15, darling art thou waking? Silly really, since 'darling' is a word of habitual endearment, or romanticism, Hollywood style. Thus 'darling', this word will not do for this sexual liaison, or to be glamorous, 'for those ships', haha, 'that passed in the night', and that was all we were.

Dear Sir, it has come to our notice that the world shall continue for at least the next hour, so do your tie up old man and bid adieu to those four-minute-run-tothe-nuclear-bunker-attitudes which you have absorbed of late.

Yours in the depths of...

Your devoted father.

It. is indeed 5.15 a.m. and the hero, me, is sat tentatively perched on the train station...heigh-ho, and off to the metropolis with baited breath!

Dear Dad, still taking cancer in small boxes of twenty? This is the way, the way to plan one's death, especially as degeneracy is not a la vogue.

Your former son, call me daughter, rreder1ck--a Now 5.39 a.m. my fingers claw at the pen in a cold staccato movement; in cold anguish the pen is grabbed. 'Grab', not 'crab', since those have all been blown away, whilst applying the ointment twice a day. God was unfair here for my sleep around policy was well over by then. Mornings are not as advertised, with sun-jollity-breakfast cereals, indeed they are shitty affairs. This morning I got a three-quarter nibbled mince slice, and knicked a slug of 88p coffee. I suppose my grip on life is going at 5.42 a.m., though everything should be dissolved in irony.

Dear Sir, It has come to my notice that you wear make-up, which makes a career in the Home Office look bleak. Do you want to end up in the Foreign Office like that uncle of yours we never discuss?

Yours sternly provoked beyond traditional family values, Father.

5.46 a.m. sees no commotion of life produced by the sun. No light except from a tower block, no sun at all, not a bit of it. Still writing from above, aforementioned desolate plain.

5.47 a.m. train si inked into la gare of dubious origins. A1 aboard for a mystery extravaganza of no seats, no windows...no seat-ho-hoes, no liqht-hohoes...at all.

Dear Father, Ha-ha, have learnt intoxicating gay phrases, such as: "What has she come as?1', "Is she with Dorothy?" and other esoteric vocabulary. I suppose with such a tapestry of expressions I could still make the secret service, even if the Foreign Office Division.

Bought a dress Daddy, though suspect I have avoided a family disgrace as it came from 'Harrods'.

'Darling Daddy' Boarded the train at 5.52, now I shall not see the clock tick-ho, tock-ho.

I hear it is quite appropriate to be flexible about hot sweato subjects, like Amnesty International, and CND. Who was that found smoking that brand of cigarettes, and shot at dawn for the sake of peace? This packet was Southr ican-Amer ican- in-Nicaraguan-in-El -Sa 1vadorâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; in-every-door-but-none-weresaved. This packet was the lung cancer of the Third World stabber in the backoes, of stabber in tobaccoes.

6.01 a.m. in the warmth of the 125 train for destination 'Who-Cares-ForFuture', interview in London for future; now not whispered loudly that London interviews are quintessential for futures.

16

Dear 'Son' , Correspondence must end between us before career and family, Institutions of great nobility, Stability, Fertility, But not imbecility, Are fractured by your silly example.

"Camp Queens", "Leather Queens", and even "Screaming Queens" are phrases of a foggy morality,..Oh, where did mother go wrong? And where did I? I thought public schools brought out such phases, Despoiled such crazes, And ended moral hazes.

Yours no more, And an end to expense accounts, No more your father, Mr. P.G. Eppinghouse M.P. 6.06 a.m. train moves out from the station. This is no room with a view, for 'tis black as black, and sound asleep. Who cares for signs of life anyway, anyway? Lights ascend in the flats as black as bats.

Dear Sweet Daddy, Sorry you can't cope, With 'Camp' hope, Without family will take the rope, And end this soap...opera I shall click my heels no more, and shall never, never, "raise them skirts".

I am still your son though my body has gone cold.

Hanging Hanging around, By the neck, By the throat, Loving son, Frederick Fp ita p h : It died, what was it?

The. Time.4 :

Qur dear son has flown from us, and with his parting we say 'goodbye'.

Gutter PteM: Sex deviant hung at father's request.

Stewart Charles has a dry ironic wit which is par­ ticularly English. His poem 'Letter on a 125' from his collection in Respectively is a fine example of this.

'Respectively' - poems by Anthony William Mann, Stewart Charles ÂŁ Pat O'Brien, and 'Breakfast In Bed' - poems

by Peter Daniels, Kieron Devlin and Kenneth King are available from The Oscars Press, BM Oscars, London WC1N TXX price FT.00 including p*p. The latest book in the Gay Men's Press series is 'Three New York Poets - Mark Ameen, Carl Morse, Charles Ortleb' available from all good gay bookshops. Forthcoming is 'Tongues Untied - poems by Dirg Aaab-Richards, Craig G. Harris, Fssex Hemphill, Isaac Jackson and Assotto Saint'.

17

The Brothers Behind Bars Program is an outreach to our gay brothers in prison.

It has three major parts: 1) we provide a department in the journal as a forum for literary expression by gay prisoners and occassionally information of interest and concern to gay prisoners; 2) we encourage pen pals through Joint Venture, which maintains lists of prisoners seeking pen pals, offers some screening and forwarding, and gives advice to people writing prisoners; 3) we offer free subs to prisoners, but we have to limit this offer to what we can afford. We encouraqe friends to grant gift subs to prisoners.

The grantors can remain anonymous.

Subs are $12.

BROTHERS BEHIND BARS SHADOWS

by Allyn Scribner (a.k.a. Lynn Marie Scribner)

Sitting on an iron bunk, wrapped in a green army blanket I stare numbly at the concrete wall before me.

Light from the outside towers, strained through the steel grills Ricocheting about the cell; a slow strobe, beating in time with my heart.

Patterns dancing in the cold darkness, weaving dark webs across the wall.

My thoughts have fled south to warmer climes and dreams o f freedom, While the old black preacher down the row mumbles litanies to a god who has gone on vacation long ago; nnly occasionally does he burst out ranting at the mis^or*unes of a world that has forgotten him. light, dark, light., dark...the endless beat of my heart and nh God, I'm so cold and lonely in the tight, dark, dark, light of this endless night.

Patterns fly across the wall, 1iquidly passing and repassing in graceful harmony, weavinq dark spells to lure your mind to the brink o fmadness...hut never quite across the border.

Intricate weavings, hypnotic thoughts of fantasies and dreams, fired, so tired but. unable to sleep...solitary and cut-off from life itself and floating in the endless depths of space held '<i the webs of light stretching from one dream to the next.

They'11 never break me you say to yourself but you know that they have already broken you from the bounds of reality.

Broken you down and store the parts neatly in concrete boxes, Dusted once and awhile like an old family heirloom In a box with iron bars to keep the restless spirit chained and exiled...

While images of a secret midnight burial cross your mind of a stake in the heart at the crossroads of your existence.

"Break the spirit, bend the will mold it to a new form"... they chant...and still the light sweeps endless across my soul Revealing past and present beating out its message endlessly on the concrete walls...

Don't fight, give up, succumb; don't fight, dark, light...

Dark...light...dark...1ight...

•xwasss BULGING JAILS PRISON DISCRIMINATION Prentise Haywood, an inmate at a Kansas prison, has been refused parole despite meeting all require­ ments. Officials say he must serve two more years because of his "con­ fused" attitude toward sex (i.e. he is gay). Your support is needed.

Write: Prentise Haywood, *36086, Box 1568, Hutchinson, KS 67504.

The nation's prison population grew more than 5,v in the first half of 1986 to a record 528,945 inmates.

North Dakota has the lowest prison population, while California is tops with 55,238. The increase means there is a demand for 1000 new beds every week. Federal prison population growth is more than double the states', and the number of women in prison grew faster than the number of men.

18

HYSTERICAL dfoiijv FT RED A Martin Co., Ft., sheriff's deputy has been fired after he refused to guard an inmate with AIDS. Sent to a local hospital to guard the vic­ tim, Deputy Ralph Ward became afraid he would catch the disease from breathing the same air as the victim and called superiors to say he was leaving the hospital. He was sub­ sequently fired for disobeying an order.

BOOr ON PRISON VIOLENCE Jeff Borman, ~?o o r <i , Pox Ron -’A-155 .

Jefferson City, M issouri 651n2, is writing a book about the abuse, ter­ ror, torture, degradation, intimi■i tion, fear, physical and emotional violence the young offender goes through while in jail/prison. He is conducting a survey of men who have been sexually abused, assaulted in jail to give sexual gratification against their will. If you have had any such experiences get in contact wi "f at the above address.

ACLU WINS CHANGE OF DRIS0N RULES During visits inside Oregon prisons, lesbian and gay inmates can kiss visitors of the same sex, embrace them, and hold their hands, the state's Correction Division recently ruled. "The rule concerning contact visit rights does not refer to sex or sexual orientation of inmates or their visitors. Prison officials will still encourage homosexual in­ mates not to kiss, embrace, or hold hands with visitors of the same sex," said Corrections Division's legal adviser, but officials will no longer punish or report inmates for such acts.

JOINT VENTURE

P. O. Box 26 - 6680 Chicago, I L 60626 [ 312) 3 3 8 - 3 6 8 4

What Are Prisons Like?

Who is He, Really?

No one who has not been there can possibly describe life in prison. Even the man who has been incarcerated finds it difficult to convey to the uninitiated the true quality of the experience. Most notable, perhaps, is a boredom far beyond that which a free person might feel. Each day is like the one before it (and the one after), and the inmate, no matter how fertile his imagination, is helpless to change it He has no option but to do as he’s told, to follow an unvarying routine that ends daily in a locked cell with nothing to do but wait the coming of another day as dull as the one he’s just been through.

It is the dehumanizing quality of that experience, however, which is most damaging to his psyche. To his keepers, the inmate is nothing but a number, or an animal; in either case, it’s assumed that he cannot think for himself or make his own decisions. Even to other inmates, he may be no more than another body, a set of muscles that may be helpful in a fight, a receptor who may listen but doesn’t hear, or, occasionally, a sex object Even if he engages in sex in prison, though, it must be furtive and brief, usually without tenderness or caring, and with little hope that it may rise to the level of a relationship.

At worst he may be raped, or forced to play a feminine role to a straight inmate who insists that he does not relate to other males. At best he may occasionally find himself in a brief and temporary relationship with someone who may be transferred or released the next day, and who knows better than to trust in the permanence of any arrangement which he is powerless to control.

Not only is the prisoner denied a life involving others, he is severely limited even in his solitary life. He can have few possessions—in some prisons they must fit into a small cardboard box. Usually he can neither borrow nor lend anything; if he lets his next-door neighbor use his radio, it will be confiscated if the man is caught with it Theft is always a problem. But worst of all is having to watch what he owns— even personal letters and photos of his family—being pawed over by unconcerned guards in periodic inspections and shakedowns. While he is behind bars, the inmate can own nothing that cannot be touched by others.

Fcr many—those who have made enemies, the gays and the effeminate, and even those who are simply young and attractive and unable to defend themselves—life may be proscribed by the narrow limits of “PC”—protective custody. Locked away from the general population, these men usually spend 23 of every 24 hours in their cells, denied access to recreation and rehabilitative programs as well as to libraries and other facilities.

Periodically, every inmate may have to endure conditions similar to PC. When there’s a fight, a riot, an escape or escape attempt, or any of a dozen other incidents, authorities may impose a “lockdown,” confining every man to his cell for days, weeks, or months, with no hope of relief until there is a decision that the crisis has ended.

These are conditions that force men to turn to correspondence for some semblance of “real” life.

You’re going to learn a lot about your prison penpal from his letters. It’s the charm of correspondence that he—and the rest of us as well—may reveal to a correspondent what he might never disclose in conversation. He’ll tell you of his dreams, his fantasies, his concerns about the future and the past. It’s very tempting to conclude from this that you know the guy better than anyone else. Don’t you believe it!

It is impossible really to know anyone while he is behind bars. His very survival depends upon dissembling He must present one image to the courts and parole authorities, another to the guards who are his keepers, still another to fellow inmates, and another to you. Dissembling becomes not merely a habit but a way of life, and it is no surprise that the guy may not know himself just which of these images is real. He lives in an artificial environment, and his concept of the outside world is a combination of flawed memory and the fantasies of anticipation.

In all sincerity, he will tend to overestimate his abilities to deal with a world that is real. Desperate to be out of prison, he’s sure that he can and will do anything required to stay out. But he will himself become real only when he returns to the real world. That reality may be something that neither you nor he has anticipated. However you want him to live up to the image you have developed in your correspondence, it’s wisest to count on nothing until you can deal with the guy in a setting common to both of you. You'll get to know him then. Don’t count on it beforehand.

What Is Joint Venture?

Joint Venture is the largest penpal organization in the United States for gay and bisexual prisoners. Outside members receive a monthly bulletin and current listings of insiders seeking penpals. Inmates are listed with physical descriptions and their' interests. The first letter to any inmate is sent to the Chicago JV office. It is not read; for a small fee, it is simply forwarded.

Joint Venture makes every effort to discover and report scams to its membership and serves in an advisory capacity when asked to do so. For information about the JV penpal program, or referrals to organizations serving strajght prisoners, send a self-addressed stamped envelope with your inquiry.

Richard Norton, President Joint Venture

19

you can't even give them condoms. nne thing though, it is not against the law to talk about sodomy and there are a few brave educators such as Mad1e La Marre o f Georgia, who is doing just that.

AIDS IN PRISON

According to the National Prison Project, there were only 450 state prison inmates who had been diagnosed with AIDS at the end of 1986. The National Institute of Justice (NIJ) and the American Correctional Asso­ ciation (ACA), doing a study at the same time, found an additional 310 cases of AIDS in the nation's 32 largest jails.

by LEN RICHARDSON

Data on the rate of seropositivity among prison and jail inmates is available only for two systems which have gathered this information through their testing programs. They are Nevada and Maryland. Nevada test­ ed all its more than 3900 prisoners and reports a seropositive rate of 2.5*. Maryland is conducting two studies to determine the incidence of seropositivity amonq new inmates and another to discover the rate of seroconversion among 1ong term inmates. The current tests are the r!TSA and western blot. The inmate sample is retested periodically to determine serocon­ version rates. It is unclear i* correctional institu­ tions which are routinely testing prisoners for HTLV-TIT antibody are also using the two aforemen­ tioned tests. The NIJ/ftCA survey revealed that ori"' of rederal and state systems use the antibody tests for some purposes. As of late 1 °°a the majority of states (77*1 test inmates only to assist in diagnosis of AIDS and APC. As of June 1986, Nevada, Colorado, Iowa, Nebraska, and South Dakota have mandatory testing for all inmates. Ry mid-summer 1.987 at least a dozen other states have initiated testing programs, es­ pecially of all new inmates. In January 1986 the National Association of State Correctional Adminis­ trators voted against mandatory testing. A recent study has shown that persons in very close, day to day contact with persons with AIDS did not "catch" the virus. Those studied shared houses, dishes, beds, meals, even toothbrushes with diagnosed AIDS patients and did not seroconvert from antibody negative to positive. Since the HTLV-III virus cannot be spread through casual day to day contact, the public health justification for screening all inmates at intake or while they are incarcerated is questionable. Intake screening would only serve to create a class o f per­ sons stigmatized throughout their incarceration by their antibody status, as was mentioned earlier in the Coodwin case, "andatory testing will not halt the soread o f ''TPS in prison. There is a continuing risk that the virus may be passed along even if all con­ firmed seropositive inmates are separated from the general population. Ry housing all antibody positive Drisoners together, prisons only increase the chance that these inmates will be re-exposed to the virus, thus increasing their chances o p developing full-blown AIDS.

efore I get into this article, I want to mention a few facts that have crossed my path. The U.S. department of Justice statistics state: the number of prisoners

B

under jurisdiction of federal and state correctional authorities at year's end, 1986, reached a record 646, 659. That is a 66* in­ crease in the six year period since lO^O. It also represents the largest Increase in the 60 year history of the National Prisoner Statistic Program. Pertain­ ing to recidivism of young inmates (17-25 years), ap­ proximately SO? were rearrested for a serious crime within S years of their release from prison.

The case of Tim Ooodwin (*76147, 3ox 1560, Hutchin­ son, V'S 67r>01) should tell us what official reaction is to Alps and how authorities use the AIDS scare to coerce and control prisoners. Tim was run through the system as having AIDA because someone first o f all told the jail that he had contact with an AIDS victim, and heing gay, Tim got harassed and subjected to atroc­ ities like having the guards approach him with mask and gloves on, heing thrown in isolation, and separat­ ed 'Von population. The authorities burned his clothes and possessions, subjected him to numerous tests without his consent, humiliated and verbally abused him. . . . Another situation was one where a prisoner hit a guard on the head when he was being forcibly removed from his cel1 . rhe inmate tested nosit ive for the virus, and the case went, to court as the state sought to prosecute the inmate ror attempted murder. portunate1y the guard tested nega­ tive.

These are not unusual cases, quite the contrary, "ationai’y, estimates are that more than '’fi* n r prison inmates have a history of IV use. It is also estimat­ ed that more than 7o* 0 r prison inmates are sexually active. In reoroia, however, only 40 men tested HTLW-TII positive out of 17,400 inmates. The major problem is that most prisons have a constant turnover of inmates and that has major implications for the en­ tire prison community.

AIDS education has just begun in most state prisons and was started in May, ’906, in federal institutions.

In some states there are not as yet any comprehensive system-wide attempts at AIDS education. nne of the problems o e teaching AIDS education is, will people listen and heed the advice? AIDS education presents a problem for prison officials, who don't know what to teach orison inmates. Ostensibly, intravenous drug use and homosexual activities are illegal, so there is a real dilemma: should the state be teaching how to do these things sapely? or course, sape sexual pracMces are not being taught in the prison system.

Aodomy is against the law in some states and you can't go In and tell men how to practice sa*e sex--in pact,

Proponents of mandatory testing are motivated largely by the fact that sexual activity, both consensual and forced, does take place in prison. The argument is made that since the prison systems have been notori­ ously unable to control sexual assault, much less con­ sensual sex, mass antibody testing and segragation of all seropositives would at least help assure that no prisoner involuntarily can acquire the virus. The problem here with mandatory testing is that it will have little impact upon the incidences of sexual as­ sault and consensual sexual activity. Risk reduction materials and proper guard and inmate education are 20

the best tested ways to help curb the virus within prisons. Sadly, the real obstacle to the distribution of risk-reduction materials in prison lies not with their effectiveness, but within the prison system.

fact that medical records are not kept confidential in most prisons. Also, rumors both true and false will circulate about a prisoner's illness being "AIDS related" and that individual may become the target of threats or serious attacks. Selectively placing in­ dividuals in protective custody status is different from a wholesale segregation of all prisoners within any of the previously mentioned categories. The threat to the welfare of seropositive inmates is directly related to the amount and quality of educa­ tion a prison system provides. Take, for instance, New fork state* They have the highest number of prisoners with AIDS, and they do not segregate prison­ ers diagnosed with ARC, but then the average New York state prisoner is a bit more "savvy" than the midwestern or southern prisoner. Prison officials should remember that while the decision to segregate may be reasonable under some circumstances, conditions of confinement should be such that segregation is not considered a more severe type o f punishment, as has been reported; the individual's needs and constitu­ tional rights should not be ignored. Prisoners seoregat.ed because of Ain<;t or seropositive tests must be provided the same access as those in protec­ tive custody--that is, they should be given the avail­ ability to proqrams, jobs, recreation, visits, exer­ cise and adequate out of cell time. Neither the National Prison Project survey, nor the NTJ/ACA studies evaluated the nature and quality of the medi­ cal care that is being provided for prisoners with AIDS, ARC and related conditions.

Many states have criminalized any sexual activity among prisoners, some ignore it, others say there is no such problem. Prison officials interested in dis­ seminating safe sex or risk reduction materials in­ formation find themselves in an awkward position try­ ing to discuss the practices which they are supposed to punish. By asking outside groups or organizations to conduct education sessions, officials may be able to ease their dilemma. The reality of long term in­ carceration is that'some prisoners will have consen­ sual sex and the institution owes the prisoner at lease the availability of information on how the AIDS virus is or is not transmitted.

Prison rape is a by-product of the inhumanity and per­ versity endemic to our prison system's treatment of prisoners' sexual needs. This underlying and largely unaddressed problem has been given a new dimension by the fact that AIDS is sexually transmitted. The American prison system has institutionalized prison rape by prohibiting prisoners conjugal visits; pro­ hibiting even basic contact visits; banning consen­ sual acts between inmates; and enshrining the values of total domination and control. Mandatory screening for the HTLV-TH antibody will not decrease prison rape, nor will it eliminate the possibility that a victim of sexual assault may be infected. A proper classification system ought to identify violent and aggressive inmates and house them accordingly. In­ creased staffing, the elimination of unsupervised dor­ mitory housing, and an unhesitating commitment by security staff to not tolerate rape are among some of the more positive solutions that prison officials must implement. Weaker inmates are usually identified and separated into more restrictive custody, while preda­ tory, macho inmates remain in general population, with an even greater freedom to coerce sexual favors. If prisons are to get concerned about seroconversion among previously seronegative inmates, the policy of testing victims of sexual attacks after the assaults would be a far less intrusive option to total man­ datory testing.

The anecdotal information I have gathered through in­ mate correspondence and the general medical care in prison certainly suggest that our brothers who happen to be ill in prison are just not likely to obtain proper medical nor mental health care which they so desperately need. Most prisons have serious short­ falls in their medical treatment of AIDS and ARC patients. There is, in cases, deliberate indifference to serious medical needs of these prisoners, and I would say that in many prisons there 1s an unnecessary and wanton infliction of pain on these unfortunates.

Inmates with AIDS and ARC must be able to make their needs known to medical staff. Adequate staff and facilities to handle medical emergencies must be pro­ vided and thought about by our correctional system.

Mental health counseMnq is especially important, in dealinq with an inmate's reaction to a positive diag­ nosis--^ most cases, the poor soul is ieft to die 1n his own agony. Ains and Ar,r are horrible enough with­ out havinq to he threatened, neglected and abused in the correctional system here in the The '1.8.

Department of lustice has a thick manual on ATD8 in correctional institutions, issues and options, but they never address the humanity of the individual and how he has to cope with a terminal disease. Recause Congress has been slow to allocate monies to the cor­ rectional institutions for increased staff, education­ al programs, and humane ways of dealing with the in­ fected inmate, what we have now is sort of a dark-ages fear mixed with societal ostracism--and that added to the pecking order and chicken pen mentality of the average prison and jail. It 1s pretty critical that prisoners' rights advocates do not accept the justifi­ cations for mandatory screening put forward by a large majority of the correctional community. Alternative remedies must be developed which will protect the in­ mates' and the staff's health and also protect prison­ ers' rights to privacy, due process and freedom from cruel and unusual punishment.

Mandatory testing represents an over-reaction on the part of correctional administrators. It represents the kind of inappropriate and irrational response which is warranted only by narrowmindedness, lack of education, and unjust fears. Most of the concerns voiced by proponents of testing could be adequately dealt with through development of educational programs and materials. The concern that most prisoners have about AIDS would only serve to augment the effective­ ness o* such educational programs.

The only medical basis justifying segregation of in­ mates with AIDS or ARC, or who are HTLV-III positive, would be if the individual prisoner's condition medically warranted such Isolation. Nevertheless, segregation of all three categories is very common among most state systems. As of 1986 segregation is the policy of 46*f of all state and federal systems.

Dnly two states said they didn't segregate inmates because of AIDS or ARC. The primary justification offered for isolation of these inmates is that they might be assaulted 1n general population. This argument stems from the

(CONTINUED ON PAGE 87 ) 21

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THE MAN WITH THE BURNING EYES

by James David Jonathan

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Anyone has danced with the man Whose shadow rises to your hair.

Your hope flows off h1s tongue.

You touch h1s wilting shirt.

Step to the slow floor.

Walt to look up.

Look up at the first turn.

Is when his eyes burn.

Then

The blue burn of a lost street Under the last lamp before dawn.

You have seen him standing At that alley, as you drove.

Peer Into a fire distraught With watting to be warmed.

At last you are held. It Is The last time he will hold you.

His eyes burn.

They will go away.

Ill

They will never go away.

It Is the last time The mirror will not scald you.

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WHAT THEY NEVER SAID

by Robert Kaplan

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It was because they never said the word. ''V Never said "You are" the way they said "You are a boy" or "You are Jewish" or "You are a good student" or any of those other things I could poke at; bite Into; pick up; throw up; throw away; stick Into my back pocket for a rainy day or a quick peek under the blankets or a question to my parents as In "What, Daddy, 1s a homosexual?"

No, I could never ask that one.

Never ever ever.

Because they never said "You are."

Not the way they said those other things: Faggot Queer Sissy Homo Pervert Weirdo W1mp Cocksucker; Throwing those names like a spray of pebbles and then running away as fast as they could as 1f they stayed for just one moment to tell me why my face always turned so red then they might catch 1t too.

I THE MASCULINE CANDY BAR TRAP ° O

by Mike Dlttmer you are a caramel center surrounded within six Inches of hard candy that 1s what machismo does to men C you spend twenty-four hours being male superior tough while you forget how to make zucchini bread how to cry at your father's death how to love your love you forget your gentle chewy nougat

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by Ron Schrelber when you don't eat I begin to lose my appetite or

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I forget to be hungry thinking •about your toothache, the '^

long flu, your cold now or maybe pneumonia, the job you've

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come to hate but can't quit because . . .

11 's that we own each other or feel 1nsecure--except 1n the sense that no one's

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you come to me at odd hours when you need love right away but If you want the whole list that makes ( your perfect man you shop elsewhere and feel like the seven-eleven of your love.

life lasts forever--but, less hungry now that you're not eating, I have come to this: an orchid on your stem or a flashy amaryllis from a bulb you've planted, I can't think of myself without you: downstairs, sick or feeling better, watching television surrounded by your chows & cats, the parrots squawking, the flowers in #

SILLY PUTTY N '<^

by V. Maulsby

winter waiting to burst Into bloom,

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summer 1986

by Michael HathawayN >~ ^ ^

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4 u 1 hushed 1000 I m barking madmen borrowed small » prayers summoned hot darkness U 1 Shyly offered the touch of my warm hand broke / kinds of loneliness recounted every twinkling thing I in the giggling night time sky

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Bend me, bounce me around stretch me to fit effortlessly.

Press me hard let me feel your strength n I’ll smooth out, match your designs, leave me, I'll sit quietly, shapelessly without your hands.

Stop loving, playing with I'll crack, break apart, with hard or soft blow will melt, hug the ground.

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by Daniel Garrett We are all questions waiting for answers and what answer 1s there for a black man who knows not h1s beauty but power, and what answer 1s there for a £>lack man who needs not a man but a woman, and what answer 1s there for a black man who accepts not dark women but light, and what answer 1s there for a black man who holds not a wise woman but a fool, and what answer 1s there for a black man who knows?

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by Marshall Gealt

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If you're a victim, don't be completely outmoded on stagnant highways.

Fill bags of money right under the noses of loyal watchdogs.

Get out, leave now, supersede 1t 1f on^y f°r a ^ew eventfu 1 months.

Nature permits you to be more hip now, crumbs of new ventures making tender the corners of your mouth.

You are not the little boy who couldn't break with h1s legacy, descend triumphantly from the attic and vanish. Then why do you partially return, your parents Incoherent? Someone draws you aside saying, “Dear boy, these restless encounters you cling to, somehow you always manage to parade In the creeping commerce of men."

To fill a lifetime with fragments, near fountains, freely fondled by dogged men who might just as easily starve you out.

You prepare various personae, jello Jiggled from Its mold, spooned and sucked down by hungry poets, dancers, and faded leftists at synchronous, all-night festivals, artlessly cramped and clubby.

You have to force your way In, everyone pressed together at the funeral of their old abandoned days, leaflets scuffled underfoot and tossed onto sidewalks. Unrequited love blurs 1n upstairs windows and passing cars, the victims dropping desperately Into 1ce cream parlors, the lunar landscape unchanged by events and frost brilliant In the curious reflections of passersby.

Look through the windows now, don't shrink In the bath of fluorescence, the mad old man calling the police once again. Open an eye and see all those whose laughable prestige has been specialized.

It's 5 a.m. Slouched down, played out by the role of Itght, you need upholding.

You mumble, “These endless experiments," and discover sleep In shining cities.

Your spirit longed to soar free, And nothing we could do Could contain that untamed magic spark.

Your wild side had proved too much. \ At times, not enough, With wreckless decade decadence you methodically planned All but your departure. . , For you donned your wings of paraffin, Vf] And race now towards the sun.

All appears In glory From high above the ground, But wings of fancy flight Can only take you to a limit.

And 1f you find You plumbed earthward-bound, Look upon those hearts on which you etched your name, Our arms uplift to catch you.

And steer a course for your backyard, Forever there awaits a friend.

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SHADOW

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J E 1 am a shadow among shadows — - -^ a name whispered In a hurricane not Immortal and nothing of the magic (but I remember magic)

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I need to find my bed and my bridegroom my kingdom and my king I need to live not safely, not prepared I need not to be careful T am aching for the mountains and the wind T am handcuffed to gravity (and I remember flying)

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the pleasures of life depart, the overripe peaches, ' the hooks, the bending A drinking right from the tap, the smiling exchange of phone A address, never to be used-all gone. now we are one 1n our Illness, still, we believe, i for belief weaves A ghosts of fervor “L through age A 1ce A order, hmm. '

by Ian Young

there are roads I never walked cannot walk, will never walk, now I have run In place too long treading water, waiting, waiting for the awakening kiss that never comes (I remember all the fairy tales)

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I need to drink down the summer wind but the chalice Is tarnished I need to climb Into the mountainous sky but my strength 1s almost leaked away T am a shadow among shadows a name whispered In a hurricane not Immortal, not anymore (but I remember Immortality)

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1 In dark spring rain on a chilly shore

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from the ocean floor

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I held It stillness all about It was your distant voice I heard call out

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In summer sun 1n the empty air there was no-one, no-one yet 1 saw you there running, running toward me again on a chilly shore 1n fine spring rain

A REDEFINITION

The fallen leaves piled red by the hedge the clothes you dropped by our window ledge

by Raeburn Miller

The empty hall the cup by the stair 1n the slanting sun and empty air

What do I crave? New love's Extravagant exchange?

Stranger, take 1t from me, four kiss would not feel strange.

A ticking fire and skittering mice 1n the roof for warmth 1n a world of Ice

Another tongue, another Short or long various cock-What more than one more muffled Endeavoring In the dark?

Was 1t your footsteps coming near through halls of deepening snow at the end of the year

The dark T crave Is distance, Silent, blank, cold, unknown-A rigor of passion outstretched Upon me like a stone.

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25

Wherever I watch or listen or dream your absence troubles things as they seem

T

Allen Troxler

he late summer doldrums in the garden are followed hy fall harvests. A hard frost and everything starts shrinking back and skeletons of annuals abound. It's easy at this point to leave final cleanups and weeding until next year. The cool damp mornings and shorter days are further induce­ ments to procrastination. Hopefully this article will inspire and inform you of the opportunities awaiting you in fall gardening. The cooler weather and less intense sun make more strenuous work less loathsome than when considered during the summer's heat.

by SCOTT LUSCOMBE

It has appeared that all my attempts at huge masses of flowers are now piles of collapsed organic matter The cosmos that blocked half of the small patio can be uprooted after frost and will probably reseed the area as they did this year. It's not a problem if they sprout in inconvenient areas as the seedlings transplant easily at any size. Their masses of pink and red flowers out shine the cone^lower (Echinacea

purpurea) in early fall. The coneflower seed heads remain however after the cosmos have collapsed. They are quite decorative star hursts in dried arrange­ ments and on wreathes. The finches will strip them of seed if you leave them in your garden. The seed heads will shed some when brought indoors to dry but save it for planting or gifts for friends.

base. All the half decayed stuff can get thrown on next. Put a little finished compost inside the pile to act as a starter for the new pile, some fresh manure couldn't hurt either and all those apple scraps from making applesauce or cider. Cover the whole thing with grass clippings or hay and by spring you'll have a fresh batch of compost to start your next garden with.

Save that seed! Try to "let go to seed" at least one of each of your best flowers and vegetables.

Hatch the development and pick the flowerheads just as seed is being released. I have bowls and paper bags and plastic lids all over my room in dry sunny spots. Be aware that some seeds are ejected from their pods as they dry and cover them with paper or cheese cloth. Lupines, impatiens and witch hazel are personal experience stories.

The end of October on All Hallow's Eve is a good time for a bonfire. Ceremoniously burn all those branches too tough to compost. Those stalks of thistle, bur­ dock and teasel burned now will mean less seeds sprouting up in the spring. Rose and apple branches burned now mean less disease organisms carried over the winter to infest next year's growth. Hawthorne branches burned anytime mean less rude shocks as you encounter their thorns in truck tires, wheelbarrow tires, sneaker soles and through gloved hands.

Gather the ashes from your bonfire and spread it about on beds needing an acid reduction treatment and amongst your apple trees. Save a bit to use in your outhouse, it's a great stink reducer. T've heard ash put on the compost pile is wasted effort so I try to spread it amongst the madonna lilies and by the baby's breath as well as in the orchard.

Label each container with a slip of paper saying what (name), when (year) and where (harvested). If it is a particular color of a variety put that on the label as well. (Ex.•••Red & pink single holly hocks) This bit of information will later prove in­ valuable as time goes by and memory fades. What exactly does that film cannister you found in your drawer truly contain?

I make up seed packets of some of my bumper crops o f seeds to give as gifts as solstice. It's a personal, "home grown" gift that keeps on giving, provided the seeds find a good home. Most flower seed is good for at least two years (zinnia, larkspur and marigold are exceptions) and some such as Lamb's ears (Stachys lanata) and sweet william (Dianthus barbatus) last for years.

On forays to the city I collect nicely bagged dry tree leaves. I bring the lightweight bags back by the truckload while the bounty lasts to be used as insulation around my foundation instead of hay bales.

In the spring they make an excellent top dressing for growing potatoes in.

Fall is also a good time to stockpile manure for those of us who don't have animals. Be aware that places where piles are located often get very soggy in fall weather and don't get stuck with a load on your truck. A wheelbarrow and a plank can make the task safer even though a bit more work. Manure piled up outside now will be rotted by spring and usable then as a top dressing for plants to give them a good start. Be sure to top dress your asparagus with some of that manure now after you cut and burn the tops.

It will seed the roots over the winter, insuring a heavy crop 1n springtime, as well as killing some of the weeds that might be growing in the bed.

Shasta daisies (Chrysanthemum maximum) can be cut back to the new rosettes that will be the stalks of next year's crop. They can be divided now as each stalk produces a bunch of rosettes. Early fall is the correct time to transplant oriental poppies (Papaver orientale) but be careful not to bury the crown or rot is likely to set in. Fall is also the time for dividing and moving peonies (Raeonia sp.).

Dig as much of the plant as you can get. Save all the broken roots, clean and dry them to use in Chinese medicinal formulas. While we're on the sub­ ject of drying roots, comfrey, dandelion and burdock can be harvested now along with Cchinacea (coneflowerl. All these blood purifiers can be taken through the winter to keep up your resistance.

If as the nice fall weather continues you think you've done it all remember you don't have it really together until you plant your garlic crop. This can be done very late in the fall as long as you have a space with rich soil dug up ahead of time. All it might involve is digging up the sprouted heads you missed harvesting earlier and dividing up the cloves.

It seems simple enough but how many years has it qotten past you?

Anyone familiar to growing comfrey knows that digging up the plant and roots doesn't eradicate it but only encourages new growth and if you are not careful will actually make it spread more than you'd like.

Comfrey tops make excellent compost which nicely segues into a discussion on compost. Call is an ex­ cellent time to turn your compost pile. It's been building up all summer and it looks like hell as the plants surrounding it die back. There's even probably a good stock of finished compost under it all that you can use to repot houseplants as you bring them in for the winter. Top dressing perennials '’not poppies) with some compost helps them weather a cold winter as well.

Hopefully it will be a long pleasant fall with enough sunny dry days so you can get your garden bedded down for the winter and ready for a fast start in the coming spring. Plant some early tulips and crocus to get you out early. Come on now, the weather's cooled down and it feels good to work hard outside now, and a beautiful well tended garden warms the soul.

I usually clean a space adjacent to the pile and start a new pile there. Fresh cut stems of shasta daisy and lupine as well as small branches of willow and of course all the top growth of the comfrey make a good

27

OMESTEADING

THIS LITTLE PI66I...

WENT BONKERS

by LEE LAWRENCE

reetings

er. What do I do?" "First, get Pour buckets of water over her . of antibiotics and get some bute tablet and mix it with honey and

We did it again--we gave a city fel­ la a weekend he'll never forget. When Bill arrived all he wanted was some "peace and quiet" so he spent his first day just un­ winding and re­ laxing. The next morning when I went back to feed the horses I knew some­ thing was wrong even before I got to the barn. " TrailPig" didn't come to greet me snorting her usual, "Where's my breakfast?"

She likes to stay with her horse friends and that's how she got her name. She's traveled on more trail rides over the Clinch Mountain than the Indians. She was in her pen and didn't look 100?.

her temperature down. . . give her a shot into her. Mash up a get it in her mouth."

"Got it!" Sounds simple enough. "Let's go Bill — w e 've got our work cut out for us."

'TP' watched while Bill and I went to get water. I straddled the creek in order to dip out the water, Bill bent over to hold out the bucket. Simultaneously, my feet slipped in the water--I grabbed for the metal bucket and his butt hit the electric fence. You wanna see two dudes lose their "butch"? Talk about screaming queens! You do not want to hear what we said to one another then. Well, maybe you do. But you ain't gonna.

Bill refused to go anywhere near the creek after that so it was his job to wet down the pig. Here was a guy who had never been closer to a pig than a BLT on toast chasing one around a pen trying to pour water on her back. The ground got muddier with each bucket and at one point he looked down at his Italian loafers now half submerged and I do believe there were tears in his eyes.

"TP, you look awful, what's the matter?" I felt her forehead and it was hot. Not warm. I mean hot!

Many buckets later--the temp was down and it was time to get the bute into her.

She looked up with her big, beautiful brown eyes now showinq obvious discomfort. "I don't know . . . I feel like . . . terrible." She moaned. There she was in the presence of a bucket of cantalope rinds, eggshells, table scraps and over ripe vegetables--a veritable porcine pig out--and she couldn't have cared less.

"How do you get a pig to take its medicine?" he asked innocently.

"How the hell do I know?" I put the medicine mixture in a big syringe and tried to get her to open her mouth. Definitely one of my dumber moves. "I know-m put a rope in her mouth and pull it open and when I do you squirt it in." Bill did not look too en­ thusiastic but he was game. Let me tell you here and now--that is easier said than done--pigs do not go "Ahhh" on command. Round and round we went--finally by yanking an ear she opened her mouth wide enough to get the rope in. We went around a few more times and then I pulled upwards. "Trail Pig" went up on her hind legs and the next thing I knew we were dancing-I'm not kidding! That 20n pound pig and I spun around the pen like contestants in an American Bandstand con­ test. "Squirt it in--Squirt it in!" As Bill neared "Trail Diq" let out a squawl that sent all 6'2" of him against the far wall. I don't know which gaped wider --his mouth or his eyes. Hn the next spin I grabbed the syringe and managed to squirt it in before she bit down and mashed that sucker to bits.

I took her temperature. Anytime a pig lets you stick a thermometer up its butt you are obviously dealing with a very sick pig. The temperature shot up to 1U7' Wow, Trail Pig is cooking from the inside out!

I raced back to the house and pulled Bill out of his reverie. He was sitting on the porch swing watching his toenails grow. "Bill 'Trail Pig' is sick--we've got to help her. I'll call the vet."

"OK pardner, y'all jest tell me what t'do and ah'll do ma best." Oh, Geez--another city feller gone country overnight.

"Hey, Doc--my pig is sick--her temp is about 107 and that's only because my thermometer won't go any high­ 28

"This isn't the same thermometer you put up the pig's . . .? Tell me it isn't. Please!"

Then we gave her a shot--and that was easy--she was so tired from dancing she took the shot with nary a squeal.

"OK, it isn't."

By the next day "TP" was feeling much better but Bill looked like hell. "What's the matter?"

"I don't know . . . I feel like . . . terrible. think I've got a fever."

It's at times like this that the best thing you can do for a friend is reassure them--besides I wiped it off on my sleeve.

I

By the time Bill left he was feeling fine--"Trail °1g" is doing great and I've got to remember to buy at least one more thermometer.

"Here, take your temperature." Bill put the thermo­ meter under his tongue and sat back to await the results. Speaking around the tube in his mouth he said jokingly, "Maybe I've got what the pig had."

Then he asked, "Hey,-where did you get this thermo­ meter?"

"From my pocket.

Take care of yourself, if you don't, I will.

Why?"

LESBIAN FARMERS: RURAL PRIDE

by JOHN RITTER [Reprinted from the June 24, 1987, issue of E q u a 1 T i m e , 771 W. Lake St., #504, Minneapolis, MN 55408.]

Kenyon, Minnesota

T

he construction crew scurried about their work, like ants knowing what tasks needed to he done. Sounds of hammering and saw­ ing filled the air. The frame of the new barn would be finished by eveninq.

Initially, the neighborhood was cautious about these two novice farmers, strangers who arrived with nontraditional farm plans--goats, cheese and organically grown vegetables.

Traditional farmers in the area raise corn and soy­ beans, use herbicides and fertilizers. Some neigh­ bors wondered how two women could lift heavy hay bales.

Pamela Morse and Mary Doerr watched proudly. The red barn, a symbol of their perseverance as new farmers, would house their growing herd of dairy goats and their cheese-making business.

"We were basically city slickers," said Pam. "But we didn't come in with an attitude. We kept ourselves open. We didn't know it all and we were excited to learn about farming."

From outward appearances, it could be "Any Farm, USA." But the two owners are far from being just any farmers. To many of the locals, they are "the girls" who live east of town at Dancing Winds Farm.

Less than two years after their move to the country and their plunge into farming, their old barn'burned.

In their own right, the two women have found in this rural community an unexpected acceptance and warmth.

That may be considered amazing, given the reputation farm folks have for being conservative, and rooted in religious and traditional family values.

A dozen or more neighbors were quick to help that day, as they had been from the beginning. Several left their jobs when they heard of the fire. They brought food and refreshments, answered the phone, offered support and helped bring order to the chaos.

Pam and Mary have not advertised their lifestyle as lesbians, but they have not hidden it either. They are not alone among gay men and lesbians who've left behind the hustle and bustle of the city, but they are unusual in their willingness to be open about their lifestyle in their new home.

"They absolutely encompassed us that day," Mary re­ called. "One neighbor got all the pregnant does (female goats) out of the barn. He broke the lock on 29

Pam and Mary met on a wilderness trip to the Florida Everglades. They quickly discovered that they shared many common ideals. Within weeks, Pam visited Mary back in Minnesota and decided to sell her Florida home. They began to look for a farm near the Twin Cities.

the door but he couldn't remember doing it. They built a new feeder and pen. And I milked the goats on time at 6 p.m, that night."

Another neighbor tracked down Pam, who was at her first day on a new job, to tell Pam about the fire and to urge her to come home because "Mary needs you."

Mary, whose background is in horticulture, had been caretaking an uncle's farm. "I wondered why couldn't I be doing this for myself?" she said.

Several neighbors, including an older widower, have taken the pair under wing and offered on-going advice and assistance. One neighbor has housed their goats since the fire and helped them bale hay.

One morning, Mary discovered their was heating up because of moisture hay needed to be hauled out of the aerated. She turned to a neighbor trafler.

They wanted a farm on a river they could canoe, but soon discovered such an amenity was out of their price range.

newly baled hay in the bales. The storage shed to be to borrow a hay

They finally settled on the Kenyon farm, about 60 miles south of the Twin Cities. The buildings, ex­ cept for the house, hadn't been used for 10 years when they moved in September 1986.

They share a similar desire to grow their own food and they want to be self-sufficient on the farm with­ in a reasonable number of years. Their huge farm home is now 1 isted in Places of Interest to Women as a country bed and breakfast.

"There is so much sameness in this community. There's a Lutheran church on almost every corner," said Mary.

"It's almost refreshing that we're role models for something different."

Some of the acceptance certainly is due to their out­ going, friendly personalities. Pam and Mary recog­ nized early on that neighborliness was a two-way street and made the effort from the beginning. They hosted a big neignbornood party a year ago on Memorial Day. It turned out that many of the neighbors hadn't ever met each other.

In the meantime, Mary worked an off-farm job last year. Pam took a teaching position in Waseca this year and hopes to return to the job in the fall.

Besides the goats, they raise chickens, geese, fruits and vegetables, including broccoli, green peppers, cauliflower and herbs. They sell vegetables and eggs locally. And they dream of having a year-round solar greenhouse for tomatoes and other vegetables.

Just seven months after arriving, Pam, a former Catholic nun and an educator for 20 years, ran for the local school board. She lost by just 30 votes and was asked to run again, though she declined because she supports the incumbents up in this election.

"Tt's Important to have a lot in common," said Mary.

In planning and building the barn, they've been in agreement on nearly every decision.

Famil iar with households headed by a man who makes the business decisions, some neighbors are confused by the equality in a relationship between two women.

But Pam and Mary get respect for their kind treatment of each other and their smooth working partnership.

"You have to trust each other in making decisions (on the farm) that can't be reversed after 5 p.m. (when the other partner gets home)," said Mary. "The bottom line 1s that we're much stronger in our relationship."

Mary said her allergies bother her much less on the farm. "My tolerance is better. The stresses in this lifestyle are less cumbersome."

They have come out to a few neighbors, helping them understand that gay people are not threatening to the community. The unspoken implication has been clear to others.

Between their crops and livestock, the two don't have much time to feel isolated from the hub of gay and lesbian activities.

"Some people have figured it out and just don't talk about 1t," said Mary.

During the first year, they held season orchestra tickets and made a monthly trek into the Twin Cities.

They didn't renew the tickets this year.

Because of the attention focused on gay men by AIDS and the resulting public hysteria, Mary and Pam sus­ pect that neighbors might have had more difficulty accepting a male couple than a female couple.

But many city friends visit, coming to help with planting and other farm projects, as well as just to relax. "Vie try to keep connected," said Mary. "We find their energy renewing to us."

Last year the pair was the only household in their neighborhood to designate a United Way contribution towards AIDS research. But this year, several others joined them, said Mary, who was a local collector.

They need the energy. The next day's list of pro­ jects: the ferrier is coming to do horses' hooves, there are plants to be transplanted, the barn to be finished.

They recall only one incident of harassment, comments from some junior high school students following an evening school activity in Kenyon.

But there have been other moments of embarrassment, like the red-faced postmaster who apologized for a misdelivered envelope that was mistakenly opened.

Its contents clearly identified their lesbian life­ style.

30

ast night I met the most beautiful man I've seen 1n six months," complained my friend Mi­ chael over peppermint tea at Cafe Flore. "On the way to my apartment, he tells me he's only into jacking off. I wanted to scream."

"No sympathy here, Michael. I love to masturbate." I went on to sug­ gest that the art of playing with himself and playing with others was a skill he could acquire.

Michael was not amused. He got up, muttering that he had to go home to study masturbation in the Joy of Gay Sex. As I finished my tea among the rainbow people, I recalled two amusing facts from reading the Joy of Hay Sex 1n the late '70s: Graham crackers and Kellog's breakfast cereals were first’(leveloped to lower chil­ dren's sexual appetites so they wouldn't masturbate. I wondered 1f Michael's prob­ lem was diet.

I walked across Market Street to the Walt Whitman bookstore. Finding a tattered copy of Joy in their used book section, I settled 1n to reread the section on mastur­ bation. I was surprised to find that this "intimate guide for gay men" does not treat masturbation as a subject unto itself. In three pages of print under the heading "Mas­ turbation and Fantasy," authors Fdmund White and Charles Silversteln make themselves clear that the focus of this essay is the importance of fantasy rather than the physi­ cal feelings of pleasure: "Generally speaking, a gay man incapable of fantasizing during sex is not very passionate." "Fantasies, therefore, are highly desirable and masturbation 1s the best classroom for developing the fantasy faculty." "If you practice fantasizing while masturbating for several days, then you can attempt to transfer sexual fantasizing to encounters with other men." (p. 132) As a bodyworker and sex therapist, I spend much of my time helping men wake up and pay attention to their bodies. Fantasy usually takes one away from body feelings. T use massage and breathing techniques to help men overcome the tyranny of the mind and feel grounded and centered in their bodies. I wondered what Joy had to say about massage. The authors were consistent. Massage was described as a method "for enhancing the gen­ eration of fantasies." (p. 128) Obviously, the book should have been titled the Joy of Gay Fantasy.

If masturbation is channeling your erotic charge to some Image 1n your mind, then my friend Michael 1s right. What a bore to masturbate 1f the real thing Is avail­ able. Clearly, it's time to rewrite the Joy of Gay Sex, so open your books to pages 129-133. Carefully tear out the pages and substitute your own experiences.

Here are some thoughts I am going to leave in that tattered copy in Walt Whitman bookstore: Masturbation 1s a highly pleasurable form of self-massage. It can be combined with fantasy but 1s often more enjoyable when the attention is on body feelings rather than Walter Mitty mind sex. The place where one masturbates is important. I like to masturbate outside in the sun, oiling my whole body, dancing, running, stretching. Other favorite places includes saunas, the baths, in front of a mirror, in the bathtub and in my warm bed when I first awake in the morning. c , y Kevin G

(< ^ m

When I massage myself, I always use oil, usually coconut oil. Nerve endings, especially on the penis, can he damaged from dry rubbing, numbing feelings.

Since oil can be a problem in some locations, I have a spread that I use to cover my play area. I then oil my whole body without worry. Masturbation, at its best, is an erotic dance, a play of hands all over the body. rxper1ence has taught me that strok­ ing my penis feels quite different from erotically massaging my whole body. The more of me I massage, the more of me feels good. Stimulating touch creates an electrical vibration which circulates through the body, building to the ecstatic feeling called a full body orgasm. It is important to note that this full body orgasm is different from ejaculation.

Masturbation is my time to charge my body with erotic energy. Most masturbation and other forms of sex function to discharge erotic feelings from the body.

Our slang terms--"beat off," "jerk off" and "get laid" --graphically describe the urgency of ridding oneself of erotic feelings. One of my clients calls himself the world's greatest masturbator. "Sometimes I jerk off 12 times a day." I have suggested to him that he try a one-hour session rather than a dozen five-minute quickies.

I use masturbation as a ritual of self-love. Jamie Bevson calls it "a central, unifying experience in my daily routine." Masturbation actually helps us to love and accept ourselves. Historically, we can see that In the women's movement where masturbation was an important means of self-empowerment, liberating women from needing men. As I pay attention to the wonderful feelings coursing through my body, I can't help but know that I am the source of my pleasure and my fulfillment. Once I had learned how to create a special erotic space for myself, I found it easier to invite others to share that space. I used to expect others to turn me on. Now I turn myself on and share that arousal with others.

Masturbation can celebrate and enhance the feelings in the body. In the healthy, relaxed person sexual feel­ ings are never confined to the penis. The whole body vibrates with ecstasy. This is what Walt Whitman meant when he wrote: "I sing the Body Flectric."

■ flg

%

avid and I were surrounded by one hundred H naked, masturbating men. "I've noticed a ■ B very unhealthy trend in gay male sexualjff Ity in the last couple of years,” said David, who prides himself as the Margaret Mead of the gay subculture. "Gay men are simply having less sex. Less casual sex. Less Lover sex. Less masturbation."

S

t||

Horny is a term we use to describe the erotic feeling in the body that craves discharge. Do we have a term for erotic feelings in the body that we wish to heighten and prolong?

1

closing down--like the baths. A lot of limp and un­ used cocks in San Francisco these days. The mayor is wrong. Promiscuity doesn't kill. Fear kills."

"How do we overcome fear?" I asked. David smiled and pointed to his erect cock and then wandered off to play with the boys.

I watched three men near me build their eroticism to a crescendo, writhe and gasp with pleasure and then lean on one another in deep, contented silence. How is fear overcome? The glow from the trio next to me was an answer.

I looked around at the men scattered throughout the room. One hundred erect1ons--a typical evening at San Francisco Jacks. Still I knew, David was right.

"The Health Department's study says three fourths of Gay men have changed their sexual behavior," David continued his analysis. "That’s bullshit. We haven't consciously changed anything. We haven't switched from one ecstatic behavior to another. Gyr behavior has been changed for us. We are constricting, we are

If orgasm is the medicine, how do How do we enhance and extend that there is no more constriction, no around the room. Why am I always the circle jerk?

32

we get more of it? erotic peak until more fear? I looked the philosopher at

CONSCIOUS BREATHING Five years ago I went through a year long training in Rebirthing, a process of healing with conscious breathing. I was surprised to learn that most women I guided through the process experienced full body orgasms during their rebirths, but none of the men I rebirthed reported erotic experiences. I started ex­ perimenting with rebirthing breath during masturba­ tion, Immediately, I experienced prolonged orgasms.

Instead of lasting for a few delightful seconds, my orgasms lasted minutes and then hours. The erotic charge which originated in my genitals was circulated through my body by the rebirthing breath.

Stanford psychiatrist Alan Brauer wrote a book about this process, ESO: How You and Your lover Can Give Each Other Hours of Fxtended~5ex uaT Orgasm. HeTng a traditional sexologistT^e prafses fantasy and doesn't emphasize the breathing, but overall, reading his text will help you on your way to ecstasy.

RELAXING INTO IT

Movement has become a very important part of my erotic medications. The higher I got, the more I had to cir­ culate the energy accumulating in my hips. So mastur­ bation became a martial art for me. I would center myself, relax, breathe and circulate the erotic charge by stretching and dancing, fly friends and I call it "Cock Dancing." In order to better circulate the erotic energy, I have often masturbated while I jogged in the Berkeley hills. I have even masturbated all the way through Jane Fonda's Morkout. T quickly noticed where I held chronic tensions and blocks, but the healing flow of erotic charge gradually dissolved those constrictions. The higher I got moving, breath­ ing, masturbating, the clearer and healthier my body became. I call this process "masturbation as Relchian self-therapy."

For the last four years I have been working on getting to higher erotic levels. With Walt Whitman, I call the process "singing the Body rlectric." My journey began with my reading of the Tao of Love and Sex by Jolan rhang. I learned that orgasm and" ejaculation are not the same event. rjaculation is the physio­ logical process of sperm coming out of the penis. nrgasm is the rushes and streamings of erotic pleasure that usually accompany ejaculation. After reading Chang, I started having orgasms without ejaculation.

My earliest technique was to take more time when I masturbated. I found the longer I was aroused, the more intense the orgasmic feelings in my body. Taoism taught me that eroticism is a charge in the body.

After an hour of masturbation, my body is charged.

This is the exact opposite of the way I used to use sex--to get off or discharge feelings from the body.

Ejaculation discharges energy from the body.

THE PANDICK STATE During my erotic explorations I found I could get. to a place where I no longer had to work to get aroused.

My penis will stay erect with minimal stimulation. I am relaxed and breathing freely and super erect. I call this the "Pandick State."

For most of my life I confused the feeling of release of muscle tension with the feeling of orgasm. During masturbation or other forms of sex, I would constrict roy breath and tense my whole body. The more the ten­ sion, the more pleasure. I especially tensed the front of my thighs and my chest muscles. It was like 1 was squeezing out the sexual climax. When I came, the pleasure of releasing these muscles and breathing fully again became intimately tied up with orgasm.

Rather than an ecstatic vibration, orgasm was a re­ lease of tense muscles.

Pan, half animal-half man, is the Greek god of eroti­ cism. He is often pictured with an erection, not be­ cause he is fantasizing or because he is about to ejaculate but because he is erotically charged and his cock shows his vibrancy. Pan is hot.

If one cannot get to Pandick, one doesn't really have the energy to communicate with another. Most men are satisfied with discharging energy with a friend.

"Hey, let’s pop our balloons together." For Pandick lovers there is no peak. The orgasm just continues to expand.

I never understood Chinese erotic drawings. The men and women were so relaxed, smelling flowers and drink­ ing wine, sprawled on pillows while sexually aroused.

That wasn't the approach to sex I knew.

Can you have sex and be totally relaxed? Of course.

Erotic massage is one form of total relaxation in an erotic state. Unfortunately there are very few com­ petent erotic masseurs and too many hand job special­ ists in the profession. Since ejaculation always in­ volves tensing, learning deep relaxation, especially in the pelvis, allows one to get amazingly high with­ out coming. Relaxation comes easy during sex if one pays attention to one's body rather than fantasizing.

Fantasy too often takes one on mind trips. Sex is a body trip.

[Joseph Kramer, director of Body Electric School of Massage and Rebirthing in Oakland, California, is a body worker and sex educator.

See Body Electric's ad on page 1 of this issue.]

33

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PART 1 ways of being intimate that don't necessarily lead to being sexual. This is not to imply any judgment about being sexual. Intimacy can include sex or not.

The point is that we can choose to honor our true feelings in each moment.

verywhere we turn in our culture, we are indoctrinated with the notion of romantic love. The only place where sex and in­ timacy are permissible are within the confines of a romantic relationship. The concept of romantic love has trapped us in a myth--a collective unconscious agreement to be­ have in certain ways in order to perpetuate the social order and the prevailing belief system.

When we honor our feelings, we open our hearts to one another and the Hood gates of love are opened. All it requires is honesty. And that simply means stating the obvious. For instance, when you are with a close friend or someone you sense wants to be close, you can be direct by asking such a question as, "Would you like to REALLY hug one another? I mean more than the usual three second allotment? I just want to acknow­ ledge that it simply means that I love you and want to express It meaningfully." Honoring your feelings re­ quires the willingness to risk being yourself.

Rut the social order is in the throes of tumultuous change. None of the old rules apply any more. This is very difficult for those whose belief system tells them that morality is ordained by God. But, as Soli says, "Morality is a belief system imposed by human beings on each other." God has nothing to do with it.

Human codes of sexual conduct are arbitrary, used to keep us passive and controllable. It has worked only because we have all agreed to perpetuate the myth.

Being yourself is being whole. It is being willinq to share your wholeness with others. It is being loving.

And love grows when it is shared. There is an in­ finite supply of love. But when it is not flowing, the heart is sealed with fear. When we allow love to flow through us, fear dissolves. And allowing love to flow through us means that it cannot be exclusive.

Exclusive love breeds jealousy and possessiveness. It is just this kind of love that our culture has en­ couraged, thus confusing love and intimacy with sex and romance.

Me have all been taught that sex and intimacy are on­ ly permissible within the confines of marriage. Few really believe this any more, but old patterns die hard. Conditioning runs deep. Me all crave touching and intimate contact with others, but because we have been taught that intimacy inevitably leads to sex, we are afraid. Men are afraid to touch each other af­ fectionately because it might lead to sex. Fear of its becoming sexual causes them to disown intimacy with each other. Gay men, on the other hand, know that sex together feels good, but they, too, have bought the lie that intimacy can only happen in a sexual context.

Being who we are demands a high degree of personal in­ tegrity. One cannot blithely shuck all superimposed codes of conduct without the integrity to live out from love and respect for others. Until one has developed that capacity, one rightly stays under the domination of social rules. Those who come out from under those rules are not doing so to antagonize those who still need them. Therefore, we do it relatively quietly, seeking out those who are on our wave length, those who we sense are ready for a broader more in­ clusive sense of living and loving.

Momen 1n our culture are given more permission to be intimate with each other. Still, touching is re­ stricted to acceptable parts of the body, lest there be sexual implications. Because of the restrictive taboos on physical contact, most of us avoid it, ad­ hering to an unspoken code that restricts us to a quick hug and a pat on the back. These taboos pre­ vent the natural man from expressing. We thus cut off our hearts, living out from our heads. This has resulted in a pervasive feeling of disconnectedness, repression of emotions and distancing from one another.

Once the internal shackles have been removed, a sense of exhilaration floods us and we begin to know true responsibility. Now responsibility is no longer a duty, but, rather, the ability to respond from love and integrity. When people come together in such a consciousness, there is a sense of expectancy, of possibility, of wanting to explore new ways of being together. Life becomes an adventure, rather than a constant attempt to follow the rules.

Many of us are learning that we can agree to be in­ timate with many people in our lives--not just those with whom we have a sexual partnership. We are learn­ ing that we have choice in our lives. We are not robots locked into programmed modes of behavior over which we have no control. We have behaved as though one action inevitably must lead to the next and the next. We have been traveling down the rutted country roads of our minds, unable to see that all we have to do is recognize the ruts and get out of them! We do have choice! We can decide, together, to explore new

This kind of inner freedom means that we are no longer bound by hetero and homosexual roles. We know that we can become role models for new ways of being. We know that there are no restrictions but the internal ones we have been carrying around all our lives. When we are being our authentic selves, we have the freedom to explore infinite possibilities together.

34

PART 2 Healing the Male Heart As a culture we have denied our heart, while paying homage to the god of reason. In doing this, we have created roles for each sex to play that are profoundly unnatural. The roles mask our feelings, as we pretend to feel things we believe will be acceptable to others.

Real men also are not afraid to he affectionate with other men, hecause they know who they are. That means they are always at choice in everything they do. A long, heartfelt hug, a kiss, a hand on a leg Cv/ith a man or a woman), does not mean anything other than a loving gesture. It simply is what it. is. We are always at choice as to whether or how we act on it. Unspoken rules of conduct do not have to be obeyed when we AGREE to be conscious. Two men, for example, can simply agree to transcend their roles and go with their feelings. It is largely irrelevant what their sexual orientation is.

When love is flowing, it does not care to whom it flows. It doesn't need our programming to tell it where it is permissible and where it is prohibited.

Love is okay wherever it is and through whomever it expresses.

While women in our culture are expected to act out roles, they flAVE been allowed to express a greater range of feelings than men. Men have been taught that feelings are the province of women, that crying is not something real men do, and that affection among them­ selves leads to sex and is therefore unacceptable.

Tear of homosexuality among heterosexual men has prevented ANY form of real closeness, of intimacy between men. This has been a profound loss to the male sense of wholeness and personal integrity.

A man who rollows his heart must be strong, because it will turn a lot of heads. But isn't that what we all need? We've all had our heads screwed on back­ wards by social programming, '-'e '■'rrn to have them turned--away from falsity and toward truth. When we are true to ourselves, we can no longer hide our love for self and for one another. It is unfortunate the* gay and nongay men alike have felt compelled to hide their love. The heart of the male in our culture has been locked up. We have been our society's untouch­ ables !

Most gay men, too, are afraid of non-sexual intimacy with other men. They confuse sex with intimacy. Sex without sensitivity short-circuits the heart, prevent­ ing true intimacy. Once non-sexual intimacy, close­ ness, has been experienced, any sexual sharing is profoundly richer. But sex without the heart is empty.

But the male heart is beginning to free itself from its bondage. And as it manifests in increasing numbers, we are going t.o see incredible changes in the way men and women of all sexual persuasions re­ late to one another. We are going to see spontaneous, open and honest relating, rather than adherence to a narrow range of behavior that severely restricts free expression. We are going to see increasing numbers of people who are liberated from habitually debilitating behavior. We are going to see men and women who are free to be themselves because they have proclaimed their freedom from social conditioning.

"he machismo image of today's male, supported and en­ couraged by our society, has destroyed his integrity. ;o individual can be whole who is denying any part of himself. There is no integrity in denial of feel­ ings. reelings allow one to be intimate. Any in­ timacy does not have to "lead" anywhere. It is simply what it is. Tt does not require a trio to bed. 'he truth is that no man can be integrated and love himself until he accepts ALL of who he is, including his feelings. To be whole he must open his heart and own his feelings. When a man opens his heart and begins to express his feelings openly and honestly, he is confronted with the many ways he has restricted his behavior and attitudes. He becomes acutely aware of how boxed in he has been by the traditional male stereotype. Being true to himself demands stepping out of the box and beyond the stereotype.

Healing the heart requires a willingness to live be­ ing true to oneself. It requires being honest with oneself. Tt requires being willing to risk giving out love without the fear that others will reject it.

It is difficult to do this until you see yourself as worthy of love and until you realize you are a loving person. nnce you believe you are loving and lovable, you can Just be open to love and let the energy flow.

As Bartholomew says, "When you start the love energy flowing, you will start to love yourself! Do not think about where it will be placed, only be con­ cerned with generating it."

Many men are becoming aware that their entire way of being has been false. The role has determined how a man walks, talks, gestures, thinks, acts and feels (or doesn't feel). He has spent his entire life learning how NOT to be a man. Being a real man RE­ QUIRES feeling from the heart, and acting according]y. Healing the male heart requires us to show our real feelings, risking being who we really are, aside from the roles we have been conditioned to play.

"oday's liberation movements have been necessary to shock our society into recognition of the feminine principle, of the heart, of love. We have been a loveless culture, trapped in the myths of our age.

But now many of us are daring to be who we are. True integrity demands it. Our hearts must be healed if we are to be our authentic selves.

The real man knows that he cannot do anything that is not manly, which is to say that An y t h i n g he does IS manly simply because he is a man. He is no longer defined by rules of behavior. He does not need to be taught how to be a man. He is free to BE who he is.

He backs up his inner feminine, intuitive guidance with his masculine assertiveness. Listening within, he integrates the reminine--somethinq many men are learning to do. Deal men do indeed eat quiche ir that's what turns them on!

fThif> article is reprinted from the February and March, V>87, issues of F r oSpirit, p.o. Box llr 38 , Albuquerque, MM 87176.]

35

ronsk: Boat performs a song called "Small Town Boy" which says, "The answers you seek will never be found at home; the love that you need will never be found at home." They advise "run away, turn away."

Those of us raised in small towns understand the prob­ lems that go along with coming out 1n such a place.

In typical small towns, the 1 ibrary has no Gay books; and even If It did, the librarian probably knows your mother. There's no one to talk to because most everyone Is tightly closeted. There are no bars and no way to meet other Gay people--potential friends and lovers. However, Gay people, who love small town life or must stay for other reasons, find ways to get around fhe restrictions. fvery small town has at least, one unofficial meeting place, often a park, where Gay people can go. Though sometimes the park Is nothing more than a pick-up spot, It can also function as a place for making new frtends, networking, etc. harks aren't very com­ fortable in the winter though, so house parties often form a substitute. Sometimes, people allow their homes to be used as hang-outs where Gay men and Les­ bians are welcome to drop in. Gften, someone will be known for throwing elaborate parties where people come in from all over the country and surrounding towns.

In a small town, introducing people around is very important. There are few other ways to get acquainted in the Gay community and meet people to date.

Some towns have other places where Gay people tend to congregate; gas stations, laundromats, all-night eateries. Tor example, one night at a small town Jr. food Mart in Arkansas, I was introduced to people from Hot Springs, Little Rock, and Fort Smith The place was "known," and people dropped in on their way through town. In another small town laundromat, everyone goes to do laundry and watch Dynasty to­ gether. People improvise social lives.- ' In my home town, there is a local walking trail where many townspeople walk every day. It's fun to pick out the other Gay people walking and wave at friends.

If you see someone you are interested in, you try to go at the same time the next few days and see if the person returns. Looks, smiles, a "hello" can speak volumes. The last time I was there, I was teased be­ cause the same girl passed me every evening for a week, staring intently, saying "hi" only to me. It was a mild flirtation, small town style. If it is plain that two people are interested, they eventually strike up a conversation and then . . . who knows?

Also, seeing who is walking with whom is a source of gossip.

Gossip is very prevalent in a small town. There is no other way to get news. Since small towns tend to be so closeted, it is also the only way to find out who is Gay and who isn't. The small town Gay grape­ vine is unequaled by even satellite communications for getting news around. When a small town native comes home, the first thing friends do is relate everything that has happened to anybody since the per­ son left home. Who is dating whom? Who's come out?

Who's come in? Who's left? Who broke up? What scandals have occurred? The gossip may or may not he intended maliciously, depending on the person speak­ ing .

Another thing small towns tend to have are power queens, ’'hese are Gay men with either money or social position or both. They command respect and power.

They may or may not run a great deal of the town's Gay social life. They have followers and everyone keeps up with their activities. They are royalty.

It may be hard for someone used to big city freedom to imagine why a Gay person would wish to live in a small town, but there are some advantages. Small town Gay men and women often form closely-knit family groups which may last many years since the population tends to be stable.

Sometimes, townspeople choose to overlook certain things: affairs, alcoholism, unwed pregnancy, a child who doesn't fit the mold in any way. It's not that people don't talk, but they overlook differences out of respect to the family. They may wonder why someone doesn't marry, but they accept it. This doesn't always happen by any means. Sometimes, known Gays are rejected And if a family repudiates a Gay member, it's hard to predict how a town will react.

The closeness to nature, lack of crime, and lessened exposure to big city pollution and stress is enough to make some people put up with small town disadvan­ tages. What it all boils down to is: to which life­ style is your personality more suited? Maintaining a Gay social life in a small town requires a lot of work, but many find the problems challengino and the simple lifestyle charming.

;This article is reprinted from the March, 1987, issue of n a z e , Rox 3038, Memphis, TO 38173-0038.]

"I dunno," I said. was."

"I've always told her where I

"first time for everything." He slipped back into the trees, calling out. "We'll see you after dark.

Be waiting right about here." He was gone before I could protest.

I kicked the dirt with the toe of my shoe, mumbling to myself.

Darkness found me waiting beside the big oak, ready to go with the others to Shackerfoot's cabin. There was a strange silence among the boys as we made our way deeper into the hollow where Shackerfoot lived.

e-VAt>A c°cHRAW

How we took the narrow path up the hill, where now I could see the cabin, marked by the light of the fire from within.

ow I am too far gone to do anything about it, but perhaps others reading my story will take heed and not make the same mis­ take .

"Maybe . . . stuttered.

They told me not to go near Shackerfoot's shack, that ill would befall if I did.

"If 'n he does, it will be inside," Tom said.

Shackerfoot don't expect no company."

"What kind of things will happen if I do?" I inquired of Aunt Mary.

"Hie

We tiptoed up to the one window that was covered with something soaked in grease. The fire in the grate cast a warm glow, and we were able to see inside. An old man sat by the fire, eating something out of a bowl with his fingers. A big brown hound dog sat near him, slavering for a bite. But the man kept eating, heedless of the hungry dog.

"Things!" She bobbed her gray head up and down in time with the churn dasher as she vigorously churned the milk.

She had lost her teeth long ago and now if her chin was in some kind of contest soon it could touch her nose. Her skin kled that it must have assumed that her wanted to give up and lie down.

he has a biting dog," Carl the Weakling

it appeared as to see how was so wrin­ face just

"The moon's coming up," one of the boys called George said. "Maybe we'd best leave," "Yeah," I agreed, anxious to be back in my own bed.

The other children in the hollow were afrai 1 of her.

They said she was a witch. But when my Pa had been killed by a grizzly, Aunt Mary had taken me in and seen to it that I had food to eat and that she kept my one pair of overalls clean. So, to me, she was just plain old Aunt Mary. I never saw anything frightening about her.

"Nah," Tom said. "That's what we came fer. what happens when the moon is full."

To see

I darted a quick glance toward the moon, hoping that maybe a cloud would cover it. Rut it rose higher, in all its silver glory, casting a light round about us.

She let me do pretty much what I wanted to. I didn't have a list of rules to follow like the other kids, "hat's why it seemed so strange when she forbade me to join the other boys and visit Shackerfoot's shack.

No amount of talking would persuade her.

"Look! He's getting to his feet," one of the boys said, and T jerked my eyes away from the moon, back to inside the cabin.

The bent old man shuffled around in a circle of moon­ light that penetrated the greasy covering on the win­ dow and fell inside the cabin.

I returned to our back yard, which also served as the garbage dump. T kicked a tin can that happened to be at my feet; when it collided with others, it set up a clanging noise that reverberated through the quiet mountainside. It didn't make me feel any better.

At first, he shuffled slowly, like an old man. But as the moon shone brighter, he went faster . . . somehow, dancing dancing to music that only he could hear, faster and faster he danced, and his age seemed to fall away from him like a cloak. Now a tall young man stood in the center of the circle. But as we gaped, huge black feathers grew out of his shoulder. His ears grew long and pointed, feathers covered .his face, and his eyes grew large, while his feet took on the shape of a large bird's.

"Pssst..." came a whisper from behind the big oak tree that stood at the edge of our yard. Tom, the boy who lived in the shack on the other side of the hollow was trying to get my attention.

"Whatta ya want?" I asked crossly. ''We'll pick you up soon's it's dark," he said.

The thing turned toward the window, and we all with one thought to escape tried to leave the porch. In our haste, we tripped over each other, setting up a mighty clamor. Picking ourselves up, we ran for all we were worth. Rut a huge shadow fell between us and

"Aunt Mary says I can't go," I told him glumly.

"Oh, heck," he said. "Pay that no mind. My ole lady wouldn't let me go, neither. I just wait until she's asleep."

(Continued on page 101) 37

WHAT THE HELL IS A RADICAL FAIRY ANYWAY?

by LAUGHING OTTER [TViis article is reprinted, with permission, from v o l .

1, issue 3, of Faerie Home Companion, Rainier B-l, 616 E. Thomas, Seattle, WA 98102.]

fairies vigorously rejected "The Myth of the Homosexu­ ecently T've noticed a stronq reluctance al" as an attempt by the larger society to define and on the part o r the radical Airies to de­ control us. The first, and most essential, step on fine themselves. Since sel'-definition the path of gay enspiritment was to discover (i.e. was one o f the core elements o f the early define) who we are for ourselves--precisely what modern fairy movements, T find this current fairies refuse to do. situation perplexinq. I o rten hear people say thinqs like, "Ask ion fairies for a definition of d ivme id u a l fiaries came up with many useful concepts-a fairy and you'll get lnr> answers." This seems Into none of them mandatory. They include: "subjectvery different from how I remember my first fairy subject consciousness" (articulated by Harry Hay); gathering. While there were many differences in em­ "double-vision" fan old Native ''merican concept from phasis, tactics, and detail, there was an unofficial the berdache tradition; "ROIKA, the gay spirit-enerconsensus as to who we were and what we were up to. qy" ''articulated by M itch walker), and so on.

"Well," I can hear you asking between yawns, "what was My own personal definition is as follows: DAnICAL, this so-called consensus?" Simply put.: A radical because we dare reject the patriarchy's definition of fairy is someone who is pursuing the path of gay enus fi.e. The Myth of the Homosexual), and because we spirttment, 1.e.--exploring and developing the spirit­ use our double-vision to pierce all accepted authori­ uality of being gay. Now, of course, within the ty in order to promote a world free of sexism, racism, bounds of this definition there is still plenty of classism, ageism, etc. FAIPY, because there is a ten­ room for variety and difference, but the basic concept der magick, within us, and because heteros, seeing was that we were developing something new. Mot so this tenderness, made fun of it and called it "fairy" much a gay Wicca or a gay Buddhism or a gay new ageism, -- the opposite of "man." Because now, after years o f but rather a spiritual path that grows out of our shame, we honor this tender magick and re­ unique experience and vision. claim the magickal power of the word "fairy." "In the beginning, we flew."

It was understood that spiritual systems

R

reflect the society they grow out. o f. There for, all the reliqions that already exist tend to have their foundation in the hetero man's viewpoint. A gay version o f another religion becomes a modification of a hetero spiri­ tuality. In contrast to this, the radical fairies insisted on discovering and developing a spiritu­ ality that is gay-identified. °r, as the iq7Q "Call to Cay Brothers" proclaimed: "^hrow off the ugly green frog-skin o f hetero imitation."

Understand, please, that I am talking about ideas here. In real life, there are no purists. For example, I am both a radical fairy and a Wiccan, and a shamanic student and more things than I could possibly list. Concepts are useful only so long as they do not become straightjackets.

However, without any concepts, we are left with meaningless terms and we arrive at the current point where the definition of rad­ ical fairy has become "anyone who goes to at least one fairy gath­ ering." This leaves us with a very watered down version of what is still a potentially

In this model of looking at thinqs, the difference between a fairy and a gay Christian/Buddhist/Pagan/ ffill in the blanks) is the same as the difference that exists between a gay man and a homo­ sexual. In fact, the radical

K ovln

38

fM rarra

important movement. It also leaves us with the current situation of fairies behaving no differently from main­ stream gay men, aping all the hetero behaviors that ear early radical fairies so vigorously rejected-- male chauvanism, sexual exploitation, a pecking-order based on physical beauty, etc.

There is less talk around these issues nowadays and most fairies I know who have recently joined the movement have never been exposed to such ideas. I'm not sure why this is so. Has the original vision died? Or, as one friend suggests, is the issue of "finding out who we are" no longer relevant to the

late lORd's? about it?

Or did we just get tired of talking

Whatever--I encourage readers of Faerie Home panion [and r f d !— Ed.] to share with us your on this subject. What is your definition of fairy? ("And if you don't have a definition, you recognize one when you see one?)

Com­ thoughts a radical how do

GOD THE MOTHER by

TONYNEWMAN Loci--the local Spirit, and I gave ft an honoured place above my desk. Later I made a special mounting for it and placed it in my bush chapel--with a little prayer attached for protection, mainly from brush fi res.

ecently a woman lecturer at our small Jung Society meeting corrected me when I mouthed a prejudice I learned many years H ago when training for the Roman Catholic I priesthood. I can't quite remember how “ w the subject came up, but I said that southern Europeans and especially Italians were guilty of idolatry in their worship of the Blessed Virgin Mary. My friend immediately protested saying that simple folk knew where to direct their prayers when the chips were down. They might observe the patriarchal rules in formal worship, but in crisis they turned to the divinity in its feminine aspect.

Denied an image of the ancient Great Mother, they soon knew where to turn.

In the last year I have been growing in my apprecia­ tion of the feminine side of the god-image within us, and in desperation, I painted a little water-colour of the Black GODDESS, also for my chapel. But my real wish was to have a statue of a Black Madonna like the one at Monserrat.

One night, as I was blowing out the candle before the nature carving, and offering it a good night kiss, I smelled the fragrance of the ancient wood, and I was again reprimanded for another masculine presumption: this was a woman--a female spirit. And as I-looked again at the shape I saw it was a seated Black Ma­ donna and Child--the ANIMA L0CI--part of the AN IMA MUNDI (WORLD SOUL), our Holy Mother. I already have all I need.

Carl Jung was often praising Pope Pius XII for his creating a modern dogma: that the Virgin Mary was assumed body and soul into heaven at her death. Jung explained that the masculine Trinity had at last been recognized as containing the despised and rejected feminine fourth.

DREAM

A couple of years ago I was exploring the creek which flows through my property and I found a piece of wood shaped by the running water into a seated figure. I immediately saw it as a nature carving of the Spiritus

I am on holidays or perhaps staying forever, and I have two places I can stay. One is a university college run by a bishop--here I'm not too sure how 30

long I may remain. It 1s very formal and clean. Rut actually I'm 1n residence at the other cho1ce--a refuge for homeless people, quite makeshift. The per­ son 1n charge is trying to improve 1t. I long for the solitude and order and cleanliness I am used to, and I can't decide between them. However I'm here!

The maid is a black woman who seems all-powerful. My host calls for breakfast, which is delivered on a traymobile immediately by the maid--a large black frying pan, eggs etc., and looks appetizing. Now my host asks the maid what she can do about two broken lounges used as beds. It looks like the maid may be able to make this place more habitable, and my host is aware of its deficiencies. It is certainly more human then the university college. There are several shady characters (men) living there, sponges.

The feminine seems to be reasserting itself in a new way after many centuries of masculine domination.

These two poles of the cosmos may be coming into a more harmonious balance. How can we image them?

Farth and sky.

Soil, water of soul and fire, air of spirit.

Might, and day.

Black and white.

Feeling and thinking.

Intuition and sensation.

Inwardness and exploration.

Yin and Yanq.

Attention to detail and cosmic planning.

Awareness of relationships and the call to achieve.

Soft and hard.

Wet and dry.

Winter and summer.

Shadow and 1tght.

Cold and hot. eternity, timelessness and time, history.

Diffuse and focused.

Fxperience and reasoning.

Yoni and 1 ingam.

Anima and animus.

Mother and father.

Left and right.

Matter and idea.

Womb and construction.

Tomb and living.

Unconscious, conscious.

Death and Birth.

Natural growth and effort.

These polarities are present in both men and women, who need to seek a harmony. Carl Jung believed that our dreams are compensatory, presenting images that try to restore a balance in our conscious awareness.

Maybe we could examine our dreams to see where we need to trim our consciousness, the better to serve.

APPARITIONS As the age of Pisces rushes to Its conclusion, many people (mostly children or "simple" folk) have, over the last IDO years, been granted visions of the divinity in its feminine aspect (Lourdes, Fatima, etc.). They seem to happen in the Roman Catholic Christian setting, but who can be certain that they are not more widespread. The Roman Catholic church has strong control mechanisms and good international communications, so any "happenings" get reported and publicized. They also get processed through the dogma grid, and are cut back to visions of the mother

of Jesus, with local priests and bishops, and finally the Vatican, sitting in judgement on their authen­ ticity. But what is happening in the non-Christian world? And how will the Great Goddess show her power in the dawning age of Aquarius? Can we understand the feminist revolution as a manifestation of her growing equality with her divine spouse? How can we Gays find a comfortable shelter under her ample star-studded robe?

Here is the account of an apparition which "happened" (?) at the dawn of the age of Pisces. It is taken from The Go!den Ass by Apuleius (Penguin Classic, a new translation by Robert Graves, 1P50). [Editor's note: Apuleius lived in the second century A.D. In the following excerpt from The Golden A s s , the nar­ rator, who has been transformed into an ass, is sup­ plicating the Goddess to restore his human shape.]

7 tcent to a secluded beach and stretch ed my t i r e d bodij In a hot Zoic 0 |( the. band, close. to where the waves were breaking In spray. I t was eventing. The cha.nJ.ot of the ban teas at th e point of, ending i t s day's couA.be across the sky; so 7 too acbigned m yself to r e s t , and was p res e n tly overcome by a sweet, bound b leep .

Not tong aftcricards 7 awoke in budden t e r r o r , A daz­ zling fa i l moon was ris in g from the sea. I t is at tlu.b s e c r e t houA that the Hoon-goddess, bote sovereign of mankind, Zb possessed of hex g re a t e s t power and majesty. She Zb the sh ining d eJty by tvhobe d iv in e In ­ flu en ce not only a ll b ea sts, wild and tame, but a lt Inanimate things as w elt, axe in v ig o ra ted ; whobc ebbs and ftowb contact the rhythm of all bodie-b whatsoever, whether in the a i r , on ea rth , or below the bea. Of thib 7 teas w ell aware, and therefore, rebolved to addrebb the v is i b le image of the goddess, im ploring her h elp ; fo r Fortune seemed at last. to have made up her mind that 1 had b u ffe re d enough and to be o ffe rin g me a hope of re le a s e .

Jumping up and shaking o ff my drowbinebb, 7 went down to the bea to p u rify myself by bathing in i t . Seven times 7 dipped my head under the waves--seven, ac­ cording to the divine philosopher Pythagoras, is a number that su its a ll re lig io u s occasions--and with ja r fu l ea gern ess, though tears were running down my hairy fa c e , 7 offered this soundless prayer to the supreme Goddess ■ "Blessed nueen of Heaven, whether you are p lea sed to be known as C eres, the o rig in a l harvest mother who in toy at the finding of your lo s t daughter Proserpine abolished the rude acorn d ie t of our fo re fa th e rs and gave them bread ra ised from the f e r t i l e s o il of Eleus i s ; or whether as c e l e s t i a l Venus, now adored at sea­ g i r t Paphos, who at the time of the f i r s t Creation coupled the sexes in mutual love and so co n triv ed that man should continue to propagate, hib kind fo re v e r; or whether as Artemis, the physician s is t e r of Phoebus Apollo, re lie v e r the b irth pangs of axemen, and now adored in the a n cien t shrine a t Ephesus; or whether as dread Proserpine to whom the owl c r i e s at n ig h t, whose t r ip le face is potent against the malice of ghosts, keeping them imprisoned below ea rth ; you who m nder through many sacred groves and are. p ro p itia ted with many d i f f e r e n t rite s --y o u whose womanly tig h t i l l u ­ mines the. walls of every c it y , whose misty radiance nurses the happy seeds under the s o il , you who control the wandering course of the sun and the very power of his ra y s--! beseech you, on whatever name, in what­ ever a sp ect, with whatever ceremonies you deign to be

in v o k e d , have meAcy on me in my extrem e d is t)le s s , AebtoAe my s h a tte re d fo rtu n e , g ra n t me repose and peace a f t e r t t i i s lo n g sequence o f m is e rie s .

End my s u f f e r ­ in g s and p e r i l s , A id me 0 |( t h ib h a t e f u l fo u A -fo o te d d is g u is e , AetuAn me to my fa m ily , make me Lucius once moAc. But i f 7 have o fe n d e d some god o l un appealable c A u e lty who -is bent on making t i l e im p o s s ib le I oa me, a t le a s t gAant me one b uac g i l t , th e g i l t o l d e a th ."

Vaphian A phA odite; I oa the aAcheAb o l Crete 7 am V ic ty n n a ; I oa th e t r i l i n g u a l S ic i lia n s , S ty g ia n P ro s e rp in e ; and I oa th e E le u s in ia n s th e iA a n c ie n t Mo th e r o l th e Corn.

"Some know me a-b Juno, borne a-b B e tlo n a o l th e B a ttle b ; otheAb ab Hecate, otheAb ag a in ab Rhamnubia, b u t both races o l A e th io p ia n b , uhobe landb the m orning bun f i r s t bhineb upon, and the E gyp tian s who e x c e ll in a n c ie n t le a r n in g and woAbhip me w ith ceremonies p ro p e r to my godhead, c a l l me by my tAue name, namely Queen I b i s .

7 have come in p i t y o l youA p l ig h t , 7 have come to lavouA and a id you. Weep no moAe, la m en t no longeA; th e houA o l d e live A a n ce , bhone oveA by my w a tc h fu l l i g h t , ib a t hand.

When 7 had f in is h e d my pAayeA and pouAed o u t th e l u l i bi-tteAness o l my oppAessed heaAt, i re tu rn e d to my 4 andy h o llo w , wheAe once moAe -bleep oveAcame me.

7 had bca A cely c lo s e d my eye4 befoAe th e a p p a r itio n o l a woman began to A tbe loom th e m id d le o l th e -bea w ith 4 0 lo v e ly a la c e t h a t - t h e godb them selves would have la Z le n down i n ad oA a tion o l i t .

E ir s t th e head, then th e whole s h in in g body g r a d u a lly emerged and -btood beloAe me p o ib e d on th e s u rfa c e o l th e wave4 .

Ves, i w i l l tA y to debcAi.be t h ib tra n s c e n d e n t v ib io n , I oa though human bpeech ib pooA and lim it e d , th e Goddebb h e A se lf w i l l peAhapb in b p iA e me w ith p o e tic imageAy S u ffic ie n t. to convey borne b l i g h t in k lin g o l what 7 baw.

"Libten a tte n tiv e ly to my oAdeAb. "The e te A n a l la m o l A e lig io n devote to mu w o rs h ip the day boAn lAom th ib n ig h t.

TomoAAOW my p r ie s t s o H e a me the li A b t - lA u it b o l the new b a it in g season by d e d i­ c a tin g a b h ip to me: I oa a t th ib beabon the stoAmb o l winter lobe theiA Io a c c , the leaping waves Subside and the bea becomes n a v ig a b le once more. Vou must w a it I oa th ib sacAed ceremony, w ith a mind th a t is n e ith e r an xio us I oa the fu tu r e nor clo ud ed w ith p ro fa n e th o u g h ts ; and 7 s h a ll oAdcA the High P r ie s t to c m Ay a g a rla n d o l roses in my pAocession, t ie d to the r a t , t ie w hich he c a r r ie s in h is r i g h t hand. Vo no t h e s it a t e , push the cAowd a s id e , jo in the p ro c e s s io n w ith c o n fid e n ce in my gAace. Then come c lo s e up to the High PAieb t ab i l you w ished to kib b h ib hand, g e n tly p lu c k the Aoses w ith your mouth and you w i l l im m e d ia te ly slo ug h o i l the hide o l what has always been I oa me the most h a t e f u l beast in the u n iv e rs e .

Her lo n g t h ic k h a ir l e l l i n tap eA in g A in g le tb on heA lo v e ly neck, and wab cAowned w ith an i n t r i c a t e c h a p le t i n w hich wo4 woven eveAiy k in d o l llo w e a . Just. above heA Eaow bhone a Aound d ib c , l i k e a miAAOA, oa li k e th e b n ig h t la ce o l th e moon, w hich t o ld me who 6he teas. V ip e rs r is i n g lAom th e le lt - h a n d and n ig h t-h a n d paA tingb o l hen haiA bupponted t h ib d ib c , w ith eaAb o l conn b n ib t lin g beside them. Hca many-coloaned nobe wa-b o l f in e s t lin e n ; p a n t m s g lib t e n in g w h ite , p a n t cao cub - y e llo w , p a n t g lo w in g re d and along the e n tir e hem a woven bonduAe o l llow enb and lA u it. clu ng bwayin g i n the bneeze.

But what, cau gh t and h e ld my eye mone tha n a n y th in g e lse wab the deep b la c k lu b tA e o l hen m a n tle . She won.e i t blun g across hen body Inom th e n ig h t h ip to th e l e l t bhoulden, wheAe i t wab cau gh t i n a k n o t re se m b lin g th e bobb o l a b h ie ld ; b u t paA-t o l i t hung in innumeAable lo ld b , th e ta b b e lle d In in g e q u iv e n in g . i t wab em broidered w ith g l i t t e r i n g s ta rs on th e hem and evenywheAe e lb e , and in th e m id­ d le besomed a l u l l and lie n y moon.

"Above, a l l , have l a i t h : do n o t th in k t h a t my com­ mands M e hand to obey.

For a t th is v e ry moment, w h ile 7 am speaking to you he Ac, 7 am a ls o g iv in g cOmptementMy in s t r u c t io n s to my sle e p in g High P A ie b t; and tomoAAOW, a t my commandment, th e dense crowds o l people w i l l make, way I oa you.

7 pAomise you th a t in th e jo y and la u g h te r o l the f e s t iv a l nobody w i l l e it h e r vie w youA u g ly shape w ith abhorrence oa done to p u t a s in ib te A in t.e A p A e .ta tion on youA sudden Ae­ tuAn to human shape. O nly AemembeA, and keep these woAds o l mine lo c k e d t i g h t i n you heaAt, th a t from now onwaAds u n t i l th e v e ry la s t day a l youA t i l e you M e d e d ic a te d to my s e rv ic e .

7 1 i s o n ly A ig h t t h a t you s h o u ld devote you-x whole t i l e to the Goddess who makes you a man a g a in . UndeA. my p r o te c t io n you w i l t be happy and lamoub, and when at. the d e s tin e d end o l youA t i l e you descend to th e la n d o l g h o s ts , th e re to o i n the su b te rre n e hemisphere you s h a ll have /S e ­ qu en t occa sio n to ado Ac me. From the Elys-can H e ld s you w i l l see me as queen o l the p ro fo u n d S ty g ia n a ealm, s h in in g th ro u g h th e dM kness o f Acheron w ith a lig h t , as k in d ly and te n d e r as 7 show you now.

Fur­ th e r, i f you M e found to deserve my d iv in e p r o te c tio n by c a r e fu l obedience to the ord in ance s o f my A e lig io n and by p e r fe c t c h a s t it y , you w i l t become aware th a t 1, and 7 a lo n e , have power to p ro lo n g youA l i f e beyond th e l i m i t s a p p o in te d by d e s t in y . "

in hen n ig h t hand bhe h e ld a bronze r a t t l e , o l the boA t ubed to f r ig h te n away th e God o l th e S in o cco ; i t b nanAow nim wa-b curve d l i k e a s w o rd -b e lt and thnee l i t t l e nodb , w hich bang b h n i l l y when bhe shook th e h a iid le , pabbed h o r iz o n t a lly th ro u g h i t .

A b o a t­ shaped g o ld d is h hung Inom heA l e l t hand, and along the uppen buAlace o l th e handle w n ith e d an abp w ith p u lle d t h r o a t and head n a ib e d neady to s t r i k e .

On hen d ivine , le e t wene blippeA-b o l palm le a v e s , th e emblem o l v ic to n y .

Al l th e perfumes o l A ra b ia llo a t e d in t o my n o s t r i ls as th e Goddebb deigned to addnebb me: "Vou bee me hene, Luciub, in anbweA to youA pnayeA. 7 am N a tu re, th e u n iv e A b a l MotheA, m ibtnebb o l a l l th e elem entb, p n imondial. c h i ld o l tim e , boveneign o l a l l th in g s s p i r i t u a l, queen o l th e dead, queen a lb o o l th e im m o rta ls , th e s in g le m a n ile b ta tio n o l a l l godb and goddebbCb t h a t one. My nod goveAnb the b h in in g h e ig h tb o l Heaven, th e whole-borne bea-bAeezeb, th e la m e n ta b le b ile n c e b o l th e woA id below.

Though 7 am tooas hipped in many ab pe ctb , known by co u n tlc b b nameb, and p r o p i­ t ia t e d w ith a l l manneA o l d iH e A e n t r i t e s , y e t th e whole Aound e a rth ven era te s me. The pAim eval Phrugianb c a l l me P e b b in u n tic a , M other o l th e godb; th e A th e n ia n s , bpAung from th e iA own b o i l , c a l l me CecAopian A rte m is ; I oa the is la n d e rs o l CypAub 7 am

With, t h i s , the v ib io n o f the in v in c ib le Goddess faded and d is s o lv e d .

41

u

F l rLP, I'm workinq on editinq an anthology that will be i published in a permanent book form about many aspects H of the radical faeries. The goal is to have it writ­ ten by the radical faeries, for the radical faeries, and possibly a wider audience. Th1s anthology is to be published by The Crossing Press and will be com­ pleted this fall 1.987. I am specifically collecting articles that try to answer these questions: Who are the faeries? Why are we different? How did we evolve as a group? What is our structure if any? What do the radical faeries mean to you personally, and of % what significance might they be to the gay community f; at large? What 1s the historical chronology or evolu£ tion of the radical faeries? Do we have a common politic, and 1f so how can 1t be outlined? What is the significance of drag at gatherings? What is faerie spirituality, or is there any, or what's it all about? Is the "faerie" experience of the AIDS crisis different? What is the significance of being connected with land, and what does rural living mean to faeries and feminism? How do the economics of faerie gatherings work? Is there an element of

~T a -

separatism within the faeries and what's it about?

How do faeries deal with ageism? Are there signifi­ cant geographical regions of faeries and why? Is growth okay in the faerie movement, or something to be avoided?

The faeries are many people so I am looking for many viewpoints and voices. If you have already written or published (provided I can get permission to reuse), or are interested in writing about some area you have strong feelings about or have thoughts, experiences, or knowledge about, please write me or phone. Some payment (unfortunately low) will be provided, plus all residual rights to your work. I am open to correspondance at any level around these topics. SEND TO: Terry Cavanaugh, 112A Cedar St., Santa Cruz, CA 95060; (408) 429-1388.

T>/

3«

Work has been abolished by the smashing of clocks.

Now there can be no office work, or work at all, since there is no 9 to 5, or way of measuring time regularly. All work is done, and all goods produced and shipped back to Earth, by workers from the Planet of the Anal Retentives, where wristwatches are actual­ ly surgically imp!anted into the wrists of its in­ habitants, no moment is left unaccounted for or idle, and the pettiness of efficiency rules. Its workers also store their shit in shit banks (the better to re­ tain it) and try to outdo each other in counting and producing it. Many lawyers are found on this planet.

he last revolution was yesterday. It was so successful that all future revolutions will be cancel 1ed--forever.

A lesbian and her lover were elected President and Vice-President. Their lovemaking is televised coast-to-coast as part of the inaugural proceedings. They strip. Tall as an Amazon is she. Then, her hand on the white breast, the nip­ ple erecting, a hand between the long legs, their fin­ gers passionately groping each other, their orgasms and moans greeted with applause by an appreciative athome audience.

Men have also been separated as part of the agenda.

Heterosexual men are allowed to live only at the North and South Poles and on certain islands. Some gay men must live there too--the rest are allowed free travel of the rarth, provided they become licensed practicing childcare workers or nannies in each country they visit.

poets have been elected to Congress. In fact, it is now a requirement of election to any political office or government position in the country that the candi­ date be a poet, preferably a published one of literary promise. Though for local, lower echelon officials even doggerel will do. After all, are not poets the unseen "legislators of the world"?

Paganism has finally abolished Christianity, that gruesome and cruel religion. The gods and goddesses return and run rampant.

It is no longer a fault of character to write poetry and, more amazingly, everyone now loves the stuff.

Poems are printed in every daily newspaper, often on the front page. Headlines announce the titles of new poems or news and Important, up-to-the-minute infor­ mation on the big name poets and their younger rivals for the public eye. Crowds now go to hear poets the way they used to go to see rock stars or football games. They cheer loudly, in iambic pentameter, for their favorite poet. No one is ever heard to say now, as they did before the Last Revolution, "I don't like poetry" or "I don't understand poetry." Instead, they now say "I don't like money" or "I don't understand sleeping" and "lex is so boring and incomprehensible.”

Children and animals are allowed to run for President also--next election day, a little girl and her teddy bear (her running mate) look to be the winning ticket.

For toys have been given equal rights and a voice, too --in what matters most.

(Reprinted from AQUA ("anarcho queers undermining authority"), P.O. Box 1251, Canal St. Station, New York, NY 10013.]

"I can’t wait to go to tomorrow's poetry reading!" is what is heard now, and the tickets are sold out months in advance.

42

(

ft n the excerpts from The Individual and the Nature of Mass Events on pages 50-52 I of this feature, the black plague of Europe is used as an example to describe the 4 mental atmosphere behind epidemics, but it just as well might have been about AIDS. t Although AIDS is not the subject of this feature, it is one of the major reasons , that impel 1 me to speak out!

j*

/ Jp

^

The collections of speculations entitled ART is based on the possibility that peopie's beliefs create their reality in addition to reflecting it. The intention be­ hind it is to alert my fellow faerie brothers to a possible future.

We learn by observing, recording information, and applying it experimentally through play to our lives. As young children we absorb all information indiscriminately, without editing. This in­ formation is applied when a physical event occurs--the mind recalls all data concerning this event and action is taken accordingly.

When we were children we absorbed almost entirely negative information about "homosexuality," so when we realized later in life that we were one of "those people," our mind only had negative resources to utilize! No matter how we amended that information as adults, the mind still re­ calls that negativity and applies it to itself!

Coming out as "gay" men was one such amendment. As gay men we added "pride" to the list of self-images without shedding the initial information. In other words, we took pride in being homosexuals, made it our distinguishing characteristic and created a whole culture around it.

I'm not saying we should not have done this. I would not judge others or myself so harshly. It was an inevitable step in liberating us from this insidious garbage information about ourselves.

But it was only a step, and one to be tread on lightly and skipped over quickly.

Pride-in-ourselves-as-homosexuals does not stop the mind from applying the shit we were taught as children to ourselves. As long as we think of ourselves as homosexual in any fashion we are placing ourselves one-down from our trueself. No matter how deep we bury this learned falseself under pride, outrageousness, lifestyle, rebellion, our mind still calls forth this data and applies it to our self image.

We must consciously, actively eliminate our original self-conceptual program. The creation of faerie as a self-image, the inception of gatherings as a forum of re-evaluation, and the re­ surfacing of primal images in regard to our present-day selves, is a giant step in this direc­ tion.

This feature is an exploration of this active reconstruction of self.

I heartily thank Raphael and Peter for their uncanvased and serendipitously perfect article and prose-poem; Charles Simpson who di1igently typed and encouraged; Roger Ewing for sending the quote by Rainer Maria Rilke and for single handedly affirming my place in this Universe; and Ron Lambe for laying the foundation.

/

/

/

i / #

One of the things I love about working on this journal is that chance and coincidence are actual, working factors here. Themes magically coalesce without solicitation. Even with a working title of "The Global Brain," which really didn't imply what the feature was to become, there were three fabulously relevant contributions waiting for me when I arrived for fall lay-out.

o he was the person who liked books, he said. Fine, you're a writer, but a little balance, please. And no sly, subtle self-loathing masochistic lies to your misbehav­ ing little self, whom you didn't meet until the second grade when the great mistakes that are the illusory sufferings the modern-day Buddhists talk so much about in the amorphous terms of puffs of clouds that are finalized, formalized, and frozen into the hideous and crippled portrait of the young businessman you were supposed to be, not to meet and make love to, God, not before breakfast and not in this country or life. Uni­ versalize this place and you will most likely find it in the garbage can. No eyes to meet your hands waving paintbrushes of lights drawn from that message which is true to you, true to you, true to you, true as the film of freedom of speech flying fantastic yet certain into the night air of your black and white mind. Conversing the poets ponder in wonder at the wonder of you, hidden in darkness, hidden in time, buried in history, blind to the days and the suns and the winds and the powers and freedoms so rightly yours, you, and necessary, necessary as the time of departure tripping ever so lightly into overself soul of the time of the giant birds walking with long haired drummer beat thunder storm showers of books opened windy. And so did the highs of highs lost in history of eyes. The humor of impulse, this one, that one, which one to under­ line is beyond my ability to foresee in the context of greater wisdom, insight, wealth, and housebuilding. So it could be mistaken, but Plotinus never had to be punished in the sixties with the beach-blanket flags of the beach boy bathing beautiful legs of youth, discovery lost forever in the heartbreaking lessons of the corporate nature of railroad tracks on hot sunny days when I danced the sexiest 3 year old hula known to show-biz, since I learned all from the most famous and my own memory of correct techniques and proper attitudes in the workaday world of beauty, fame, and show-biz. Winks amongst those-in-the-know. I still fly high with memory freedom in pulsed black heartbeats sophisticated slyly superior to the dumb sinners in coats, zippered-up in time fits, cruddy salad sour with eyes containing daggers for your borders of books to run away with, in the moonlight, watching opera, or finding fullness empty with keys and turning joints and circles left swinging after they all departed, gone tracing different mohican departure highways under moons of selfish loneliness magnetized by the powers of an­ swered prayers. Why should they return? Where are the walls, who is hurt, who is writing, values of the gem--look in my eyes. See winds of hurt beating, lessons of strength falling for­ ward dead in silent memory of the paintings pictured full of the wisdom within when the morning burned into sunlight of winged male day of the painter's eye. There I sat, remembering. Those stairs, those pens, this page, the blackness. To follow questions. Answers are answers' fear of stupidity. Then you can see that line of the demarcation for transmogrification of ritual­ ized stylization pointed out with demurely dieing sighs of the resigned, consigned, concentrated arrested minds in holding patterns dropping the cups with precision at the precise time in order to further the seedlings growth. Perhaps this wonder of penetration beckons your leaving the grounds of the rolled to lines of magnified death's heads confused with speech of legs of misty lonely body language lies and English book sexual assignment of Christian sympathy for mistaken deadmen in the potential mode. I decipher what I can to you, pain can come later, no need to further grant them gifts, those forces wielding dumb blind hands of fears of wombs of hands of wars of tearless lunches when the story's explained. His story, your story, no book for the Ion-iiness. No book for the scream. Can they at all forgive Godhood when found forms are but found forms? Silent lies of the typical conversation. Pain again. Sell him and without wind ■>f magnetic highs. Then death pragmatic skin of the ancestors beckon. Wooden smells of summer in the locust haven of the jars of the speed of time consumed in killing ego of pain death and this forgotten tongue to forget in time of rhythms of breath of transcendence or amnesiac know­ ledge lie, that is this point of this paper of embarrassment, divided like the waters of some­ thing yet to be taught in this century, to find if its transpersonal ego of the running cowering death of rolling seed gone fortunate in the winds of acts for those betraying personalities of the time whose presence is already elaborated in precise terminology of the tongues of incense licking long ago in memory without the lights lit of identity in the shells of my legs man, the shells of my leg. There is the wisdom of best-selling bombs, popular cult writers of those sec ets parted with in the winds of forgetting the truth. The damned hardest part is to fill you belly full of the smoke of silence, even when it could be the silence of the referral ser­ vice known as hero worship--f’ inding parental marriage pattern imprints contained, bombed, ex­ purgated, and crucified in this distance of space of rolling time music poetry meaning verse rhythm rhyme unwinding hollow sounds of echo without the interrupted dance. At least the Pla­ tonic ecstasy will not roll in the shamefaced death throes of the emptied bottle of empty wal­ lets flapping time of the party outcasts. No dances of nakedness in this spaceless verse, let­ ting the time do as it will with the space of this authorizing "you." I could beg the question but the legs feel good with blood pulsing this card of refracting changing my definite line-ups.

You can only see so far but the texture will catch you. In California sunshine. Blonde-haired voice vibrations of the poor pumping quest of Eternal grasping holding gift-giving MI"'s in the most perfect complete communion effort in this stalled century of big posing dots of thrashing wheat on our shoes in the gene times of the chosen few of bed time radios bombed without the door knocking. I have no need to be clicking symbols just because my fists are illegal. There she walks with babies in her breath, can they weigh the new-born artists outside of the ladder of state-line philosophy? There is time to dance. Within--without. Sights for purificationseats for glasses of the times of meat in the caffeine tonight. This ritual sees itself out sooner in the colors of Artaud, swinging the aura asunder___ o

45

I

dutifully scanned the then current issue of The Advocate and did not consciously no­ tice the advertisement for Shirley's MacLain's High Self Seminars.

"Sounds like a bunch of airy fairy new age bullshit, if you ask me!"

I was startled by the violent reaction of my more practical self (the pect). Gay is the breadwinner, worker, organizer, doer of odd jobs and generally pect of me in my 1ife. I, Raphael, am the fairy, friend, mother, sister, brother nearly devoid of any practical sense. Raphael goes to gatherings but Gay drives, and generally complains if things don't go "well" whatever that may be.

Gay Farris as­ the darker as­ to mankind and pays the bills

Anyway, I (Raphael in this article) did not pay much attention to the advertisement but the next day at a staff function (a Louisiana crawfish boil) an acquaintance and I were talking and she said "Gay, have you read Shirley MacLain's stuff? I surely would love to see her someday." I replied, "She will be in Dallas on Gune 13."

She asked for a copy of the notice. Due to her interest, I also mentioned the event to another friend in Alexandria. He said "Hell yes he would go if he could come up with dollars."

I had attended gatherings ly accepted anything like more for the theatre than ley could offer something also stay with friends in

and had been exposed to the "new age" consciousness but had never real­ a "higher self." Sure I attended Episcopal mass on Sundays but it was the .theology. 1 just didn't really believe in anything. Perhaps Shir­ I had not found elsewhere; plus I'd have my friend with me and could Dallas (Gay, always the practical fellow).

I thought more about it and raided my very meager savings and sent a money order for $300 to the Los Angeles address and waited for a response. The only responses I got was that my friend could not spare the money but I, surprisingly, was still undaunted. I planned to go ahead with my "cava!."

Time got closer to Gune 13 and I still had not heard from the seminar people. "You've been tak­ en again," Gay inserted. But I called the telephone number listed in the Advocate ad (good fair­ ies and librarians always keep copies of EVERYTHING) and they said they were sorry about not get­ ting the tickets out but that I was on the list and should pick up my ticket at the seminar. I responded that I had not the vaguest idea where the seminar was to be held and they again apolo­ gized and said it would be at the Fairmont Hotel in downtown Dallas. I said thanks but was some­ what miffed at their apparent lack of planning. My friend who lived in Dallas informed me he would NOT be in town that weekend. Oh damn! Now I would have to get an expensive room, but I still felt somehow compelled to attend.

46

June 12th arrived and, as I mentioned before, Jay handles the practical stuff and he got "us" to Dallas on Friday evening and checked into the hotel ("God this is way too expensive" he com­ plained). It was late and I was tired from the trip and fell asleep quickly.

I arose early, found a cheap breakfast joint and read the paper. I arrived at the Fairmont, reg­ istered for the seminar and was told I had a 2\ hour wait. Jay was not real pleased but I wan­ dered around Dallas and just before the reported starting time, went back to the ballroom and found a seat near the front. "Midge" Costanza of Higher Self Seminars (I assumed) started the session with some basic housekeeping messages (no cameras, no recorders, NO BEEPERS because they interfere with meditation) and then in came Shirley.

She started with an explanation of the $300 admission fee. The money was going to be used to es­ tablish a center for the practice of holistic medicine in this New Age. It would be a place where ALL could come and be treated by whatever methods were necessary to help persons to help themselves. The ever practical and skeptical Jay was NOT convinced but I had truly been exposed to people in need of some place to get help. Not everyone was ready or willing to go to a fairy gathering and take advantage of that healing energy. But, perhaps a facility established by this woman could provide such a healing center. Her explanation was satisfactory to me and Jay was forced out of my consciousness. Shirley then proceeded to discuss what, she Intended to do in the seminar: share techniques that everyone could use to align the Mind/Body/Spirit. Memories of past fairy gatherings popped into my mind but. I was so busy taking notes that 1 did not pay close attention. She discussed the techniques she would use: lowering the lights, use of taped sound of water/rain/birds/crystals blowing in the breeze, and music that could augment people's abili­ ties to transcend the present and get in contact with their Higher Self. "Ah, ha, new age jar­ gon," Jay interjected.

She started firing off phrases: "The God Source is the Seat of Love!"

"When we can touch it--it allows us to bear this reality!"

"We are becoming aware of our responsibility for everything."

"Give up the Art of Domination and partake of inner peace."

"The concept of linear time is not consistent with the knowledge that Time Is All At Once."

"The more you are in touch with the Super Consciousness, the more you are in touch with love and life."

"Generally, we define ourselves by our limitations!

We must define ourselves without limitations" The concept of "Cogito ergo sum" immediately came to my mind. I Think--Therefore, I Am. Shir­ ley's platitudes started to make sense but "she goes too fast"--not unlike Mozart in Amadeus.

Even though I took shorthand, I couldn't both take notes and hear and finally, perhaps, psychi­ cally, she told everyone who was taking notes to STOP; relax and listen to her with their heart --not their left brain. Let the right brain feel and hear her words and then react to our own feelings--not data.

I put the pen down and started listening.

Align the 7 chakras (energy points in the body represented as wheels)--set the wheels in motion: Red Orange Yellow Green B1 ue Indigo Violet White

-

Note Note Note Note Note Note Note Note

C D E F G A B C

-

Coxica Sexual Visceral Heart Throat 3rd Eye Crown All

-

Grounding Creativity Gut Feelings Love Communication Inner/Outer Vision Consciousness Everything

She introduced the chakras, demonstrated chanting "0m" on each note, encouraged everyone to visualize the colors, spin the wheels and thereby get in touch with themselves. Prerecorded musical notes and sounds augmented the experience. I started to feel she was so very right; if I would relax and respond; the method(s) became unimportant. I was able to see the colors and, once I sensed the white light above my head, my higher self took a trip through time and met those who had gone before me. I met again my grandmother (with her stern but loving smile), my 47

father, and my recently deceased friend Rijk. We talked some, I think, and I went back to the white light (that space just above my head). Shirley coaxed everyone to let themselves go and enjoy getting to know their higher self. She very gently told us to mold the white light into little ball and put it in our heart so we could retrieve it later with less effort than it had just taken. I did as I was instructed and while my body was motionless, I visualized rolling the light into a ball and literally putting it into my heart. The morning then ended and I left the hotel in search of lunch.

The afternoon session happened faster. She first took questions from the floor and I sent her silent messages to call on me and sure enough she did; it didn't hurt that I was waving my hand frantically! I first said my mother asked me to say Hello, so "Hello," and secondly, "I need you to address the issue of AIDS." She visibly retreated into herself and then shared her feelings that society has ostracized whole classes of people for one reason or another: homosexuals, Jews, Blacks, drug abusers, promiscuous people, etc. Once set aside, some individuals who find themselves in those groups, sometimes begin to believe that society is justified in "setting them outside the system." Once those folks believe that they are different because of something missing in them, they open themselves to all sorts of maladies.

Science, she related, will, in all probability, find a chemical cure for AIDS or some chemical solution to the epidemic. However, disenfranchised people will remain and they will become heir to other maladies. PEOPLE MUST STOP HURTING EACH OTHER. We are our brothers' keeper and our brother is our keeper. The hate, fear, and anger we project is multiplied in strength and projected back onto us. Our society cannot be well until WE ARE WELL. These seminars are stimulating people to find the capacity within themselves to be WELL. She said many of her friends have been people dying with AIDS rather than living with AIDS. I remembered my AIDS training workshops in New Orleans and in Lafayette and realized the folks there with AIDS were living with AIDS and not dying from the disease. They took an active role in the training programs and in their lives. In fact, one guy's major complaint was that he was considered a PWA 24 hours a day. Sometimes he said he just wanted to be another person.

Shirley's response to my question enhanced my own convictions to continue to work with our AIDS support organization.

She then led us into a meditation exercise to realign the chakras and then she had each person on the floor turn to his or her neighbor and touch that person and get to know them. One of the people I touched in the exercise looked exactly like Art Garfunkel. Shirley directed us to hold our hands out (one person's facing up, the other's down) and either touch or hold close enough to feel the energy and tell the other person the most horrible thing about themselves.

The listener was to counsel the person and show them that their fear/problem was not as serious as all that. "Art" told me that he had trouble making decisions. Not a terribly invasive ad足 mission but I replied that sometimes it was wiser to be "wishy-washy" than to make firm state足 ments of an absolute position. I don't know how he felt but he seemed happy that other people also didn't make firm and fast decisions quickly either. We exchanged roles and I then told him that I had hurt numerous people in my lifetime and that I was very sorry for that. He provided comfort and suggested that I work on trying not to intentionally or unintentionally hurt others.

He was very solicitous. I felt the point of the exercise was not so much what you say to the other person after they divulge their "most horrible case" but the very revelation of the "hor足 rible case" is itself the catharsis.

Shirley then brought everyone back by asking some folks to comment on their feelings. She then had the entire group "re-center" (get into Lotus position and meditate) and to retrieve their higher self from their heart. I aligned the chakras and retrieved my whitelight, and summoned my father's spirit. I felt very much a part of the white light and felt as if I had traveled to a place where I could receive my father's spirit. It certainly felt like him (stern, gruff, hard working--just like I remembered him) and I seemed to hover there until he was aware of my presence. While we didn't speak, I confronted him with my most heartfelt fears/anger/pain at how I felt he had hurt me. He responded that he did not have the tools to deal with me when I was small and that his own failings were interpreted by me as rejection. I grew up feeling re足 jected by him; he lived and died feeling rejected by me. Shirley again intruded and told us to let that person go; let them be on their way. I released my father from all (or at least most) of the responsibilities I had ascribed to him and took responsibilities on myself. His spirit was clearly relieved and we parted company; not for good but only until I needed his presence again.

I also felt released and I could tell he had been waiting for that release.

Ifelt I had broken that hate/need of/'for FATHER and that now I could rely on his company whenever I felt I truly needed him. I had sought the acceptance from the men I had sexual contact with that I felt I had never received from my father. That is not meant to be a casual explanation for/of my gay48

ness. Why I am gay I do not know. Rather, it clarified my understanding of the nature of the sexual partners I have had in the past and will assist me in making more reasoned choices in the future.

Shirley gently brought us back to the Fairmont, I left the room, stopped by the Majestic Theatre to get a ticket to The Foreigner, returned to my hotel, fixed a bourbon and Perrier and wrote the notes used to write this piece.

The play was wonderful and provided a knee-slapping comedy that allowed release from the head trip I was on.

I awoke early Sunday, found a MacDonald's for breakfast, read the Dallas Morning News, and re­ turned to the hotel to watch Charles Kuralt's "Sunday Morning." I arrived at the Fairmont, got a cup of coffee and continued to read the newspaper. An attractive blond man passed me and then stopped several feet away and returned and told me he was so very happy I had asked the AIDS question yesterday. He said his name was Greg and he related that he had just had a bout in the hospital with Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia but was feeling much better. He said he was en­ couraged by Shirley's positive feelings/message on AIDS and that he considered himself "living with AIDS" rather than dying from AIDS. I related my experiences with the NO AIDS group in New Orleans and Central Louisiana AIDS Sup­ port Services in Alexandria and about my friend who also has pneumocystis. We chatted awhile and I asked to sit with him during the morning session. We went upstairs and found chairs and soon Shirley arrived.

We went back into meditation and it was much easier this time. Once in an aligned state, Shir­ ley asked us to stand behind our neighbor and touch their shoulders and start talking about what we felt. It could be complete gibberish but it was important to relate feelings. I touched Greg's shoulders and spoke of all kinds of experiences from all over the world. I don't know if they were accurate, but I reported my feelings. He then stood behind me and touched my shoul­ ders and related incident after incident from my life (lives); my experiences in the Orient (Viet Nam for 2\ years), my time in the desert (which I don't consciously recall). He also saw conflict in my life. (I immediately focused on the Oay/Raphael dichotomy). I was awestruck.

He also related that he felt so comfortable with me. I replied that I was sending messages of love and healing energy from my very being and that I wanted to stay in contact with him. I suggested that whenever he got "stressed out" in the big city, he could come to "little old Leesville" and have some serious peace and quiet. He warmly thanked me for the invite and said he certainly would come visit.

Shirley had us do some more meditation and this time I was able to have Raphael confront day. day was the child who was hurt terribly during the past and had built such insulation that few, if any, could effectively penetrate. Raphael took day through time to meet with the people that he felt had hurt him and showed day that the hurt was of his own generation, day was very emotional and Raphael was very comforting and held day while a lot of grief from the past was released. (It is very difficult to write in the third person.) The men day had been attracted to in the past, but failed to share with, were there. Raphael and day made amends with the spirits of those who had been hurt and for the first time in OUR lives, felt complete.

The wedding ring that Raphael had bought some time ago manifested itself and the reason for its purchase was made clear, the union of the two into one.

I relaxed and gained a profound sense of peace that I felt could not last until I also realized I had put myself there; not Shirley, not the music, not the room. I put myself there and I knew how to get there whenever I felt the need or desire.

I hugged Greg and told him I really loved him and to come visit and then left the hotel.

I drove back to Leesville not terribly aware of the driving experience. My mind was still in Dallas; it was also at Gray Lady Place as I planned how I would like to conduct a spirituality circle at the fairy gathering there next week. I also visited (spiritually) with lots of folks that I needed to make amends with and remind them that I loved them more than I even knew.

I've rambled on and on about my own personal experiences--but if you've lasted this long-there was a reason.

DO UNTO YOURSELF AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.

49

N ONE LEVEL THE DEATHS ARE A PROTEST AGAINST THE TIME IN WHICH THEY OCCUR . . . PARTIALLY, THEN, SUCH DEATHS ARE MEANT TO MAKE THE SURVIVORS QUES­ TION THE CONDITIONS . . . IN SOME HISTORICAL PERI­ ODS THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR WAS SO HORRIBLE, SO UN­ ENDURABLE, THAT OUTBREAKS OF THE PLAGUE OCCURRED . . . IN­ DIVIDUALLY, EACH "VICTIM" WAS TO ONE EXTENT OR ANOTHER A "VICTIM" OF APATITY, DESPAIR, OR HOPELESSNESS, WHICH AUTO­ MATICALLY I/3WERED BODILY DEFENSES. NOT ONLY DO SUCH STATES OF MIND LOWER THE DEFENSES, HOWEVER, BUT THEY ACTIVATE AND CHANGE THE BODY'S CHEMISTRIES, ALTER ITS BALANCES, AND INI­ TIATE DISEASE CONDITIONS . . . IF [CERTAIN VIRUSES] ARE TRIGGERED, HOWEVER, TO HIGHER ACTIVITY OR OVERPRODUCTION BY MENTAL STATES, THEY THEN BECOME "DEADLY." . . . LITERALLY, INDIVIDUAL MENTAL PROBLEMS OF SUFFICIENT SEVERITY EMERGE AS SOCIAL, MASS DISEASES. THE ENVIRONMENT IN WHICH AN OUT­ BREAK OCCURS POINTS AT THE POLITICAL, SOCIOLOGICAL, AND ECONOMIC CONDITIONS THAT HAVE EVOLVED, CAUSING SUCH DISOR­ DER. OFTEN SUCH OUTBREAKS TAKE PLACE AFTER INEFFECTIVE POLITICAL OR SOCIAL ACTION - THAT IS, AFTER SOME UNIFIED MASS SOCIAL PROTEST - HAS FAILED, OR IS CONSIDERED HOPE­ LESS . . . INITIALLY THERE IS PSYCHIC CONTAGION! DESPAIR MOVES FASTER THAN A MOSQUITO, OR ANY OUTWARD CARRIER OF A GIVEN DISEASE. THE MENTAL STATES BRINGS ABOUT THE ACTIVA­ TION OF A VIRUS THAT IS, IN THOSE TERMS, PASSIVE. DESPAIR MAY SEEM PASSIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT FEELS THAT EXTERIOR ACTION IS HOPELESS - BUT ITS FIRES RAGE INWARDLY, AND THAT KIND OF CONTAGION CAN LEAP FROM BED TO BED AND FROM HEART TO HEART. IT TOUCHES THOSE, HOWEVER, WHO ARE IN THE SAME STATE ONLY, AND TO SOME EXTENT IT BRINGS ABOUT AN ACCELERATION IN WHICH SOMETHING CAN INDEED BE DONE IN TERMS OF GROUP ACTION . . .

THOUGH EACH VICTIM IN AN EPIDEMIC MAY DTE HIS OR HER OWN DEATH, THAT DEATH BECOMES PART OF A MASS SOCIAL PROTEST. THE LIVES OF INTIMATE SURVIVORS ARE SHAKEN, AND ACCORDING TO THE EXTENT OF THE EPIDEMIC THE VARIOUS ELEMENTS OF SO­ CIAL LIFE ARE DISTURBED, ALTERED, REARRANGED . . . IN TERMS 50

OP THE SPECIES' INTEGRITY YOUR MENTAL STATES ARE, THEN, HIGHLY IMPORTANT. DESPAIR OR APATHY IS A BIOLOGICAL "ENE­ MY." SOCIAL CONDITIONS, POLITICAL STATES, ECONOMIC POLI­ CIES, AND EVEN RELIGIOUS OR PHILOSOPHICAL FRAMEWORKS THAT FOSTER SUCH MENTAL STATES, BRING ABOUT A BIOLOGICAL RETALI­ ATION. . . . THE EPIDEMICS THEN SERVE MANY PURPOSES - WARN­ ING THAT CERTAIN CONDITIONS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. THERE IS A BIOLOGICAL OUTRAGE THAT WILL BE CONTINUALLY EXPRESSED SURVIVORS, WHO WERE UNTIL THE CONDITIONS ARE CHANGED ACTIVELY INVOLVED, SAW THEMSELVES IN THE MEANING OF A COMPLETELY DIF­ LIFE, AND STIRRED FERENT LIGHT THAN NEW [IDEAS) OF SO­ THOSE WHO SUC­ CIOLOGICAL, POLIT­ CUMBED, HOWEVERt THEY WERE THOSE, ICAL, AND SPIRITU­ AL NATURES, SO UNTOUCHED BY DE­ THAT IN YOUR TERMS SPAIR, WHO SAW THE DEAD DID NOT THEMSELVES AS EF­ DIE IN VAIN. EPI­ FECTIVE RATHER DEMICS BY THEIR THAN INEFFECTIVE. . . . THE SIGHT PUBLIC NATURE OP THE DYING GAVE SPEAK OF PUBLIC PROBLEMS - PROB­ THEM VISIONS OF LEMS THAT SOCIO­ LOGICALLY THREATEN TO SWEEP THE INDIVIDUAL TO PSYCHIC DISASTER AS THE PHYSICAL MATERIALIZATION DOES BIOLOGICALLY. THESE ARE THE REASONS ALSO FOR THE RANGE OR THE LIMITS OF VARIOUS EPIDEMICS - WHY THEY SWEEP THROUGH ONE AREA AND LEAVE ANOTHER CLEAR. WHY ONE IN THE FAMILY WILL DIE AND ANOTHER SURVIVE . . . THERE HAS BEEN GREAT DISCUSSION IN PAST YEARS ABOUT THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, IN DARWINIAN TERMS, BUT LITTLE EMPHASIS IS PLACED UPON THE QUALITY OF LIFE, OR OF SURVIVAL ITSELF; OR IN HUMAN TERMS [THERE HAS BEEN] LITTLE PROBING INTO THE 51

QUESTION OP WHAT MAKES LIFE WORTHWHILE, QUITE SIMPLY, IP LIFE IS NOT WORTHWHILE, NO SPECIES WILL HAVE A REASON TO CONTINUE . . . YOU LIVE IN A PHYSICAL COMMUNITY, BUT YOU LIVE FIRST OF ALL IN A COMMUNITY OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. THESE TRIGGER YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIONS, THEY DIRECTLY AFFECT THE BEHAVIOR OF YOUR BODY . . . WHEN A SPECIES OVERPRODUCES THE INCIDENCES OF, SAY, EPIDEMICS GROW . . . THE QUALITY OF LIFE IS IMPORTANT ABOVE ALL . . . SUFFERING IS NOT NECES­ SARILY GOOD FOR THE SOUL AT ALL, AND LEFT ALONE NATURAL CREATURES DO NOT SEEK IT . . .

ANIMALS AS WELL QUALITY OF THEIR AS MEN CAN INDEED LIVES INDIVIDUAL­ MAKE SOCIAL LY AND EN MASSE STATEMENTS, THAT IS VASTLY LACKING APPEAR IN A BIO­ THEIR RELATION­ LOGICAL CONTEXT. SHIPS WITH THEIR ANIMALS STRICKEN OWN SPECIES IS NO

BY KITTEN AND LONGER IN BALANCE PUPPY DISEASES, THEY CANNOT USE FOR EXAMPLE, THEIR FULL ABILI­ t ' CHOOSE TO DIE, TIES OR POWERS, POINTING OUT THE NOR ARE MANY OF FACT THAT THE THEM GIVEN COM­ PENSATING ELE­ MENTS IN TERMS OF A BENEFICIAL PSYCHIC RELATIONSHIP WITH MAN - BUT INSTEAD ARE SHUNTED ASIDE, UNWANTED AND UNLOVED. AN UNLOVED ANIMAL DOES NOT WANT TO LIVE. LOVE INVOLVES SELF-RESPECT, THE TRUST IN INDIVIDUAL BIOLOGICAL ZEST AND INTEGRITY . . . THE DIGNITY OF A SPIRITED LIFE DEMANDS THAT A CERTAIN QUALITY OF EXPERIENCE BE MAINTAINED. t tu> \ , ‘ T

i' ’. H r

W- 3C

- SETH

n my travels around the country to various faerie gath­ erings I've noticed a voice of discontent surfacing more and more. Somehow the making of new friends and lovers, running naked through the woods, and shed­ ding the stress of daily urban life isn't enough.

The thrill of the seminal gatherings is gone (this is the most prominent discouraging word I hear). The feeling of spec­ ialness, of newness and wonder, major strides in liberation of the body politic and the spir­ it body has slipped out the back door unnoticed leaving us wondering and wandering. . .

Maybe we're just undergoing change. We made a big splash into new waters and now we're learning to swim. The honeymoon is over, and that's all! Now the summermoon, the period of gestation/growth is shining. It is a time of patient learning (and unlearning!).

Faerie gatherings in some areas are now at­ tracting wimmin, non-gay men and children This is augmenting the energy focus. Also remember that our "goal" is Earthsized --the healing of the planet and the human race is no small task! Coming to maturity as trueself adults, the prerequisite to such a task, is probably going to take awhile.

Have patience, my brothers. oming to maturity: We are accused as homosexuals of being in a state of arrested development. In my exploration of self-awareness, when I remove myself from the feeling of resentment that such a judgement elicits, I found that I was indeed not an adult*--but then, neither is anyone that is raised in a society! Adulthood in the rest of the animal kingdom means autonomy. This is rarely achieved by the human animal; we are instead of­ fered larger and larger "parents" and “families" in the form of boss, priest, president: job, church, school, nation, etc. We even refer to priests as "Father" nuns as "Mother"; the father of our coun­ try, our Father who art in heaven. . .

We are a species of immature creatures, trading autonomy for perpetual adolescent security. However, we refer to the good, obedient ones as "adults", the rebel­ lious ones only as "immature".

ADULT: (look it up in the dictionary)

53

We refer to this adolescence as "being civilized." I prefer "domesticated." A domestic animal 1s one that has been tamed, its independent spirit broken, its "nature" subverted and replaced with training. It is forced through punishment and reward to work for its master. After generations of domestication, these creatures "forget" how to be adults of their species and comply almost willingly to the master's bidding, but there is always a propensity to try to es­ cape, a discontent of varying degrees that lies below the surface waiting for an opportunity. .

1%

live an a9e ru^er subjugating the serfs. The major differences between the obvious h i s t o r i c a l squalorly serf and the present middle class are better living conditions ' W (our warlords take much better care of us now) and that we are kept in our place by moral and psychological coercion in addition to the more obvious threat of physical harm. Physical threats are now reserved for those who somehow circumvent the psycho-brainwash we are all sub­ jected to; i.e. those who retain their homosexuality and all other forms of rebellion.

J e

We live in the age of psychological understanding of the world "order." The natural order which permeates the universe has been interpreted, filtered, through this logical framework. This cold logic has so removed us (the body of humanity) from the source of automatic knowledge that we have become afraid of letting go of the framework of logic.

The natural play of children has been taken by the purveyors of logic and transformed (regiment­ ed) into "schooling," in order that they may be molded into a part of the logically created society in which we are forced .to live. Our natural desire to observe and understand has been removed from t.he natural setting and placed within the logical, orderly, setting of educational institutions where we unwittingly, with our insatiable, natural desire to accumulate knowledge, absorb the regimentation of social order. Instead of discovering the ability to live and func­ tion on and with the earth, we learn to live and function within the social framework. With this social knowledge we must continue as "adults" to recreate and reuse the social unnatural order, i.e. cars instead of animals, jungle gyms instead of trees, houses (to protect us) in­ stead of working with the seasons. Now these industrial/psychological/moral frameworks are in­ herently benign, and they would be perfectly fine if they were offered to us as alternatives, if they weren't forced upon us, replacing our natural programs. Over centuries of this coercion we have become so removed from nature that we are in fear of nature because we have little or no understanding of it. This cycle, repeated and refined, generation after generation, leads us farther and farther from our natural genetic "program” that we are all born with: we become anxious and fearful of nature, and our natural desires become increasingly suspect. We are now so removed from understanding our nature that we can't even find it without much undoing. We try to alleviate our anxiety, which we cannot seem to pinpoint, by creating further complexity and detail within the sociological structure which only alienates us increasingly and geo­ metrically away from our nature!

Our role within society, which would naturally evolve without any guidance from a political/reliyious or psychological order/framework, has instead been compartmentalized into a limited amount of units from which our eventual "adulthood" is to be chosen. Although the list of pos­ sibilities is long, it is not long enough! Our natural desire to be individual leads us to grad­ ually stretch the amount of possible outcomes through social reforms until the diversity becomes too much for the warlords to handle in a controlled, logical and orderly fashion. When this critical level of freedom is reached, the governors of order restrict the possibilities back to a manageable amount. This is why. historically, great periods of renaissance and expansion are followed by periods of repression and conservatism. Individuality does not support a "system" since both are mutually exclusive. Therefore, if a society were to allow free individual ex­ pression, civilization would collapse into chaos. Now chaos is not necessarily a bad thing; however, it does require individual's to check their own integrity and to operate from an in­ tuitive, loving source. Unfortunately, a society where natural impulses and knowledge have been supplanted with logic and order is populated with people who are out of touch, and therefore distrustful of themselves, so chaos leads them to fear, panic and disintegration. A new order would be quickly sought! It seems that we are in apre-chaos period. If we do not re-discover our innate natural source(s) of knowledge, tap into the sources of self-awareness and under­ standing that are always available to us, we will surely disintegrate into war, or fascism (it seems we're currently experiencing both!).

54

W *

didn't mean to digress into a dissertation on civilization, but it's important to understand that the accusations leveled at us as "homosexuals" are true for all mankind! We are merely the scapegoat, a vent through which the obedient ones can level their hostility at being tamed.

Of course, we the accused know that there is nothing exceptionally aberrant about our behavior, that we are not evil, that we don't represent the end of civilization . . . (Or do we!? Forgive me for this bit of intuitive speculation, but maybe on a subconscious level society is forcing us outside the boundaries of civilization so that we will find an escape route for them!) Since we know that there is nothing wrong with us that a little self-worth wouldn't fix, what do we do?

As faeries we have decided to embrace the exile, to separate ourselves and dis/uncover our trueselves, to achieve adulthood as a group. I believe that it is dawning on us what a monumental achievement this will be. It is unprecedented in recent history that an entire segment popula足 tion would achieve trueself adulthood. In the past this achievement was only accomplished by isolated individuals: Jesus, Buddha, Mahatma Gandhi, Walt Whitman . . . little drops of complete humanness in a sea of deficit. I'm not talking about perfection here, but rather completion, wholeness, autonomy, self-actualization.

L.

any fellow readers of this journal are on a transcendent path, moving toward a reief from their anxiety that seems to permeate every aspect of their lives. Faery and other such gatherings have provided an arena for us to receive and give support and a love in new ways, enabling us to experiment and play with different ways of be足 ing a "gay" human. Through these gatherings I have moved closer to expressing my "ove more fully, to accepting love from others, to greater understanding of love ben addition I also found support for my beliefs about the planet among other gay men,

/A:

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tween men.

F

was quite delighted to find that there were gays wanting just to hug, to touch, to listen, to heal and be healed of their fears: to express love without the obligatory outcome of sex! What a relief to not have to have sex in order to receive intimate, loving c o n t a c t .

During these short episodes of unconditional love, within this self-created otherworld that is so painfully not present anywhere else in my experience, 1 found my defence, games, role-play, to be washed away, replaced at first with other roles so outside of my "normal" experience (cross-dressing, earth love dancing, pagan/faerie/druid etc.) that they exposed "roles" for what, they were: shallow cartoons of basic human expression.

At gatherings 1 dug underneath the various scripts I had tried (and failc<!44 to memorize within the gay culture and found a love that I had little experience with--an awareness of my surround足 ings that felt like Dorothy stepping from her black and white, flat monotone world into techni足 color Oz! Quite literally the world around me became hyperdimensional and 1 felt, people's emotions as they walked by.

I was in contact with others perhaps for the first time since my early (and I mean early1) childhood. No filter, no defense, no judgement. Their clothes, bodyshape, afflictions held no interest for they were eclipsed by the signals/emotions they were emanating. Mind you this was not just a change on my part, but an exchange between two or more equally open and defenseless people.

As I enable myself to be open, and allow others their defenses without taking them personally, I am finding that basic unenculturated humanness is far more simple than I ever expected. I find that I am even transcending gayness/homosexuality/faerie!

55

Most faeries that I have encountered had felt "different" long before they noticed their first pubic hair. Their gayness seemed to be an outgrowth of a lifetime of being at odds with the cultural roles. It seems to me that being "homosexual" is akin to all "social deviance" in the fact that it is a rebellion against the constricting roles we are all stereotyped into. I be­ lieve heterosexuality to be as "deviant" and limiting as any role! Distinctions such as hetero, homo, bi, sexuality are all unnecessary restrictions on free expression. Gayness is simply a condition (and a delightful/insightful one at that!) of being who we are in regard to our present culture. Underneath this cultural role there lies another more quintessential being waiting to be free . . .

Having come out as a faggot, then a gay man, and more recently a faerie has been a progression of gradual liberation. Each step along the way I thought I had "arrived" at the answer that was going to eliminate the basic sadness, loneliness, wrongness that kept me from success; success in happiness, friendship, community, wealth, health. I knew all of the un success was linked to a fundamental lack of . . . something, and when I discovered that something I would be content.

Maybe it was a lover, maybe art school, maybe the "new family" of friends, maybe psychotherapy.

I tried them all and still found myself wanting.

When I began my awakening to faeries, I knew I was moving closer to discovery.

ny search stems from lack. People usually don't look for alternatives unless an ab­ sence impels them to. 1 . 1 would not be searching for spiritual alternatives if I did not. feel impoverished. 2. I believe that all people have access to the loftiest, most esoteric spiritual awareness. 3. I believe all biological life to be self-con­ scious and divine, and our liberation must encompass an awareness of them. It is on­ ly our learned arrogance and our destroyed psyches that blind us to their divinity. y parents (for all of their shortsightedness) did some things I bless them for--they did not try to shape my gender identity; they also encouraged my "psychic" development. They encouraged me to come to my own conclusions, trust my observations and not to necessarily believe in experts' testimony and theory. They had already begun rebelling against prescribed and limited identities. They believed that man was not inherently flawed, that Christianity was an insidious form of brainwashing. In fact, my gayness was easier for them to accept than my short bout with charismatic Catholicism!

A

%iy mother also encouraged me to look at all things anew. This was for the purpose of drawing, but I naturally began to use this skill in all aspects of my life. This skill is undoubtedly the most precious gift I received from her, for it enabled me to "see" things as they revealed them­ selves to me instead of through prescribed definitions, to allow them their own "subjectness" rather than comparing them to human attributes. For instance: When at 6 years old I noticed that flowers seemed to glow, that their surface seemed intangible, to be "fuzzy," she did not correct" this insight, which later became apparent to me as the flowers' radiant aura.

As I began to apply this unedited insight to all aspects of my life, I noticed that my observa­ tions were often at odds with the generally accepted "truths.” Now my observations are begin­ ning to bear out as "New Age" thought becomes more prevalent and accepted.

Animals did not appear to me as simple, mindless creatures put on earth for our use and amuse­ ment. but sentient intelligent beings whose "worth" was grossly misinterpreted. Retarded (men­ tally specialized) people--and this was one of the strangest revelatior.s--still retained com­ plete emotional and psychic bodies! Homosexuals were unique in ways equally unrecognized and ignored. As faeries we are plumbing the depths of this uniqueness and turning our new-found in­ sightfulness to the rest of creation. We are just beqinning to scratch the surface of under­ standing!

O 56

t is important that we never solidify into a dogmatic religion. There is no faerie' way. Certain people are drawn to faerie gatherings because of a certain propensity toward life. Let that be the only manifesto we create.

Our strength, our beauty, our ability relies/stems from our diversity. we must become more diverse, more inclusive.

If anythinq

It is important that we meet at gatherings, through RFD, in bars, wherever, and express ourse ves. our intellect, our emotion, our passion, so that we may become larger that ourselves By listening and learning from an ever broadening array of individuals we grow in our under­ standing. All men hold truth within themselves. What you perceive is truth for you, and when you express, it becomes understanding for me!

So many times in conversation, people have prefaced a statement with "I rarely say this to any­ one and proceed to weave the most beautiful and revealing tales. Why do we keep these things , ,our^, ^es ' Because our truths are precious! Any dogma/manifesto/national creed is exclusive a d will trample on somebody's truth. We must remain open to everyone's truth, if for no other reason than there are so few people that are.

0t)servatl0n about truth: It changes with each moment. According to Buddha there are iu,000 moments per blink of an eye. Each new moment creates a new truth, a new opportunity.

— have heard faeries express disappointment in rit■ uals lately. They hold no excitement, no meaning.

1 The reason could be that we do the same rituals and the same songs - ones that were meaningful to an­ cient and primal people, but have no bearing on our lives today. I can definitely appreciate the reasons why we came to play with primal ritual: they speak of a way of regarding the Earth that is akin to our observations, and they were probably largely developed by primal "gays"! But we, today, have different vocabularies and a different upbringing from primal people, and I be­ lieve that as a result we must borrow from them in more figurative ways.

RITUAL: Circling in order to create one body out of the many--a reminder of issues that are important to u$--a forum through which we can express pent-up frustration and rage, and revel in joyous abandon— a forum for ac­ celerated growth and learning— security through repe­ tition.

L.

The one thing that is always repeated at gatherings is the open forum/foundation of loving each other. This is the most secure foundation we could ever hope to have, and security is a blessing in these highly insecure and out of balance times! If we start with this open, ac­ cepting love as a basis on which to build new ritual, we can create ones that will be more near and dear to our hearts.

n a secure foundation of love we can cut loose! With a firm anchor in love we can flail a^out in chaos until something forms, something new that will have meaning for the moment. ™ ' (the Universe/Multiverse was supposedly formed out of chaos!)Chaos/anarchv is the realm of possible futures. It is the realm unformed, completely open to all possibility1 The chaotic, unbridled expenditure of energy releases stored stress, the outcome of which is peace. ’ relaxed meditation. Out of chaos can also come unity of heart, connection, the "groove" of jazz where all participants suddenly click into synchronicity and create spontaneous, united exalted music. For this to happen one must break free of hir civilized notions of manners, of order, of restraint and subtlety, of formalized music. One must be willing to do what would normally be considered embarrassing! At a faerie gathering there is no need to fear embarrass­ ment. Others will more than likely be delighted with your antics!

As chaos approaches there is usually a rush of adrenalin often associated with fear. Recognize this for what it is and know that in a circle of love there is no reason to fear. Beyond the chaos comes spontaneous order within which you learn the full range of your expressive capabil­ ity. This is an extremely powerful and healing state to enter. You learn that you are callable and powerful. ' If the old songs don't do this for you, sing a new song!

57

e must also be willing to change and change and change. I think

CHANGE COMES, BUT VERY that many of us don't realize the extent to which we have been ad­ \ > / versely affected (damaged) by the amount of hatred we have with­ SLOW AND VERY SUDDEN. stood. Our repaired selves will undoubtedly be unrecognizable to our pre­ sent selves; as different as a caterpillar is from a butterfly(!) and - DOROTHY BRYANT we must be willing to do as much changing as it takes, to cut loose!

Above all we must be kind and patient with each other. We are all trained to follow a leader, and being a leaderless group is new and alien to us. A faerie gathering is not like an ashram, where you meditate and clear under the guidance of ateacher/guru/faci1itator. There is no Head Faerie making policy, no Guru Faerie to give you special insight. We are all teacher/student simultaneously, for each other and ourselves. The agenda, your agenda, is a symbiotic creation between all participants. If you are not getting what you need, then you are also not giving! Your input is valid and necessary, and you willbe much more satisfied if you don't in­ validate yourself by waiting for someone else to "do it for you."

Being a leader and ruler of one's own life is a concept and ill-equipped and emotionally strung out pioneers at point where we will be functionally autonomous. In the and above all be kind, loving and accepting toward each selves too soon!

that we are formulating, we are pioneers, that! It will take time to grow to a meantime let us play and grow and explore other, and not expect too much of our­

This is a time of shifting and growing beyond our origins. It may be that we need to grow beyond "ritual" that is an imitation of Native American or Celtic primal origin--a time to step into the unknown and create non-traditional and currently meaningful ways of transformation and self-aware­ ness, of healing the rift between us and the rest of creation.

A

ECSTASIES AND DEVOTIONS ARE GREAT HUMAN EXPERIENCES MORE RICHLY NEED­ ED IN THE TEXTURE OF ALL OUR LIVES. I HAVE BEEN FORTUNATE TO EXPERIENCE ECSTASY AS A SUSTAINING PART OF MY EVERYDAY LIFE, NOT OUST A MOMENTARY THRILL. THIS GIVES A GIDDY KIND OF HARMONIC EFFERVESCENCE TO THE BODY, WHEREBY ONE FEELS THE ORDINAIRY WORLD TRANSFORMED. THIS IS SO WON­ DROUS A THING THAT I WISH EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD COULD SHARE IT. - OAMES BROUGHTON

m

he greatest understanding revealed to me through the faeries has been -love--t.he experience of a wild, ampli­ fied love, not filtered through em­ otional bond or need or security.

When I completely opened myself, dropped all pro­ tective barriers to love, the world literally transformed into another dimension. Trees were replaced with swirling, dancing, glittering em­ erald droplets shining with their own light, peo­ ple became radiant; emanating beads of light! I felt as if I were a bubble ever-expanding with a smile that stretched from horizon to horizon.

These are not metaphors, they are descriptions of actual experience!

Yes, I was at a gathering and no, I was not on psychedelics. I was in love, inside a bubble of love created by the complete, defenseless coupling of two-men-as-one . . .

yes! underneath/behind your confusion-rage-frustration is a calm/balanced/knowing/rest no matter how hurt/damaged/betraved you feel - no matter how voluminous your stress/insanity/pain there is - ZERO the calm where repair is possible - REST where knowledge awaits to be acquired - where the well spring of - understanding and forgiveness eternally flows waiting for you to tap in it's a very simple place to get to no one need intercede for you it takes little effort and no time to arrive 58

you don't need to know how to meditate, although meditation helps - you just need to know how to ask if you are seeking - then there must be a need - you know what your needs are ask (the cosmos - God/dess - All That Is - whatever - it's all the same thing) for your desire/thought/want making sure that you are asking for' the simplest - most basic form of your desire/thought/want (if you are lacking Love - ask for Love - not "a lover") the more basic your request, the more chances of having your needs met it's a simple matter of averages the more adjectives - verbs - you add to your desire - the more you embellish - qualify and narrow the more exclusive you are about the possible outcomes - the longer you may have to be patient ask - knowing you deserve - knowing you will receive your want THIS IS PRAYER nothing fancy - nothing difficult - "ask - and ye shall receive" what is required is PATIENCE the trust you must engage in order to allow your answer to become apparent

HAVE PATIENCE UITH EVERYTHING UNRE­ SOLVED IN YOUR HEART AND TRY TO LOVE THE QUESTIONS THEMSELVES AS IF THEY WERE LOCKED ROOMS OR BOOKS WRITTEN IN A VERY FOREIGN LANGUAGE. DON'T SEARCH FOR THE ANSWERS, WHICH COULD NOT BE GIVEN TO YOU NOW BECAUSE YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE THEM. AND THE POINT IS TO LIVE EVERYTHING. LIVE THE QUESTIONS NOW. PERHAPS THEN, SOMEDAY FAR IN THE FUTURE, YOU WILL GRADUALLY, WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING IT, LIVE YOUR WAY INTO THE ANSWERS. - RAINER MARIA RILKE the time it takes for your want to unfold will be full of EXPERIENCE that you will need in order to appreciate your gift when it comes LOVE is the most important thing to understand ask for understanding of love allowing that your present knowledge of it may be a misunderstanding Love - pure - simple - unqualified - unconditional all else that is built on a foundation of love will sustain and nurture you how this understanding comes about will astound you! the way is different/unique/special for everyone the way is fascinating - rejuvenating - cleansing - awakening the path toward the goal - Love - is part of the outcome there will be no boredom - no waiting - no reason to fear you will eventually forget that you made a request then suddenly Love will unfold before you like a flower in a time lapse film it will touch one aspect of your life one person - one self image - an animal - a tree - an insect - a virus (!) and so. on until Love spreads like wildfire through your experience when Love becomes the basis through which your life is approached the world is transformed into a loving place this is the proverbial (QU)INGDOM OF HEAVEN "seek ye first the (Qu)ingdom of Heaven - and all else will be given to you" enter/attain/ask for understanding of the state of being in which unconditional Love is a continuous experience which is Heaven and all else that you turn your attention to will be understood in its trueform 59

again - the way is unique/special for everyone - no one else can intercede or give it to you and it is attainable without a lot of rigamarole, penance, posturing . . . it will be given to you free of charge and debt if you just - simply - ask and be patient . . .

PATIENCE - the TRUST that the future holds what you desire - that you will get what you need that everything that happens in your life is somehow leading you to understanding for prayer to work - and I cannot emphasize this point enough your request must reflect your true need it must be unconditional - sans motion and emotion! when love is attained and understood - the conditions - the boundaries of your life change! attaining love will not "save you" it will not bring about an absence of adversity it will however transform your understanding and enable you to accept without remorse your condition

O

W

hen you love someone you give them your best shot, you are always displaying your "best behavior." You tend to forgive them of things/actions that would normally be intolerable to you. You want to give to that person and it feels very good to

do so - empowering - uplifting - happy - you are willing to give to that someone you love. When you love everything (and this is only hard to conceive if you haven't experienced it ) you always give your best shot, you give it freely, and it brings you much pleasure and willingness. When you are in a state of love, when you are approaching everything (everyone) from a posture of loving, you see everything as it truly is.

If you hate something - a person, an animal, a condition, a virus - no matter how justifiable your hate, you are blinded to their true motivations. If you allow someone else to put you in a position of hatred, you are only hurting yourself. Revenge, Hatred, Anger only breed more ofthe same. By hating someone you are perpetuating the conditions of that hate! I'm not telling you to affectionately embrace something that is causing you grief. This would be senseless! I'm saying that, from my experience, when you approach an "enemy" with love you will understand them in their totality, beyond the interaction with you that is creating grief and hatred, and be able to act accordingly with that thing so it no longer causes you grief.

Acting in this fashion eliminates stress from your life because you no longer are keyed into other people's anger. Their anger may remain, and you carry on unafflicted.

This is O FORGIVENESS O If love is just an emotion or an abstract concept or something that takes a lot of work for you, ask for experience of it. I cannot tell you how you will recognize love when it hap­ pens, only that you will.

NO we are not abominations NO we are not inherently flawed NO we are not evil, doomed to eternal or even corporal punishment look deep inside to see if you still harbor these feelings they are heavily engrained in us and difficult to unlearn when you learn to love yourself in totality these self-images will be rendered powerless!

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YES we are glorious - divine Sun gods becoming!

YES we are taught to be flawed (did you come up with this idea yourself or did someone else tell you so?)

YES we do have control over whether love or disappointment is our experience YES WE ARE WHAT WE THINK WE ARE! IN YOUR IMAGINATION THERE IS A WHOLE - POWERFUL - MAGIC SELF THAT FOR SOME REASON YOU CAN ONLY IMAGINE AWAKEN THIS SLEEPING GIANT this is who you truly are! e as humans do not "do" anything. We don't originate our action purely from our­ selves. In everything we do, every action, we are participants in a conglomeration of action; action is a symbiotic relationship between us and many other participat­ ing entities and forces--manifest consciousness in myriad forms. Everything we do is a culmination of all that went before and has repercussions with everything of the future.

Singular, group, societal, even humanity action is still only a fragment of the total picture.

Our selves are entities within entities, consciousness within consciousness. Our "self" is one of many selves within a larger entity, which is part of a larger one which is a "cell" in the "body" of a vaster entity and so on. All of these consciousnesses are acting at once and all of our action symbiotically relates to the rest.

This awareness is at once humbling and empowering! If one steps out of the way, lets go of the steering/control1ing/ego wheel and simply acts, one's life, one's movement through this world, even the most "insignificant" movement takes on universal proportions! One starts to regard everyone/thing as part of oneself. This makes it impossible to trivialize anything! This is how rocks, mosquitoes, toenails, water, clouds, take on consciousness in your mind. You become aware that everything is you, you are everything, and you begin to treat it accordingly!

O THIS IS GOD! O

You cannot act apart from God. Part of God is .you! God would not be "whole" without you. Your very existence changes God. None of creation is greater or lesser than you. It all is--it is all--al1 is it. You are separate, individual, only unto yourself. You are simultaneously part of everything! If you become consciously aware of this, your action will benevolently, bene­ ficially enhance all creation. If you act unconscious of your connection to everything— to God--you run the risk of colliding disruptively with the universe which will reflect back to you as disharmony, unhappiness, confusion, etc.

Also . . .

You must contribute as your unique self. Your place, your part in the universal cycles within cycles is needed by all of creation! If you try to act like someone else, you ire denying your­ self and the universe (simultaneously) vitality! The universe is "less" because of this. We are needed as individuals, as faerie men, to act in accordance with our personal sight/insight.

We are doing ourselves and the universe a favor when we cut-loose! We are faeries for a reason(s). here are manifest manifest we are healthy I

individual focuses which must manifest clearly; there is a group focus which must clearly; there is a focus that is a part of humanity-as-an-entity which must for the universe to carry on in a "healthy" manner. When the universe is healthy / when we are healthy the universe is healthy.

O HEALO

all tears in self all rifts between us and the rest of the human body all separation of the human membrane from earth all discord of earth with the rest of the solar song all derailment of the solar sphere in the wheel of the galaxy as we clear our selves so begins this process - automatically all we need is "within" ourselves let's do it brothers! re-align the universe from within by conscious action 61

THE FEELING OF SPECIALNESS— OF SIN GULAR PURPOSE— THE ACT OF SEPARATING AN D EXPLORING YOUR SELF SURROUNDED BY OTHERS OF YO UR KIND— THE LOOKING TO ANCIENT AND PRIMAL TRADITIONS A S A SOURCE OF SELF-WORTH/EMPOWERMENT/REPAIR ARE THE PRELUDE TO THE FIRST MOVEMFNT— A PREFACE TO THE BEGINNING. THEY ARE BO ERS TO PROPEL YOU INTO ORBIT— DROPPING AWAY AS THEY HAVE SERVED T IIFIR PURPOSE. ‘"ORBIT" IS THE POINT OF RFST. AFTER HAVING RECONSTRUCT ED OURSELVES AS COMPLETE/FULL/WHOLE HUMAN BFINGS— AFTER HAVING SHED OUR DAM AGED OUTER SKINS— AFTER HAVING UNLEARNED OLD PROGRAMS OF EVIL— INADEQUATE— LESS THAN HUMAN--DANGER TO SOCIETY— ABOMINATION— WE ARE CLEAR CHANNELS READY TO RECEIV I IHF AUTOMATIC KNOWLEDGE THAT IS AVAIl ABLE TO EVERYONE. ‘ BE CAREFUL NOT TO SEEK A Cl ION DURING THIS PERIOD OF RECONSTRUCTION. LIKF A SNAKE SHEDDING ITS SKIN— IT IS BE NIMCIAI TO RFMAIN STILL. UNTIL WF ARE CLEAR— ANY MOVEMENT W 11 be influENCED BY THE G ARBAGE W! STILL HOLD. ‘ IT IS OK TO DO NOTHING— MY BROTHERS. t is totally appROPRIATE T HAf NO MAJOR STRIDES IN LIBERATION IN THE EXTERNAL WORLcI are being made, thoughts ABOUT DO ING--ACCOMPLISHING— CREATING WILL LEAD TO FRUSTRATION and confusion as we are still uN-FORM ED ONTO OURSELVES. ‘BE CONFIDENT WITHOUT SLIPPING Into overconfidence, be whole and poWERFU l ONTO YOURSELF AND FEEL NO NEED TO "PROVE" YOUR WOrth. feel special without crossing thE LI NE INTO ESPECIALLY SPECIAL. REMEMBER— REST IS ESSEntial if you are to have enouqh strength TO MOV! WHIN THE TIME Comes. 'HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT we have arrived at FULLNESS— wholeness — ful LY REPAIRED AND READY when you RE A NATION— SOCIEty— cul ture/subcul TURE— EXPERt— teacher/studeN T UN 10 YOURSELF, when your nTENTMFNT IS NOT Dependent on the acTION OF ANYONe else, when yO U CAN TRUST THAT you will create WHAT YOU NFED No matter what othERS ARE CREATINg around you. t HIS IS THE TRUE unqualified anaRCHISM.* ‘A WORD on the "process" OF ENLIGHTENMent: there is n Nl ED TO ELIMINATe vices— m o ‘ES OF BEHAVIOR IN order • achieve baLANCE. WHEri you put forth y iR "REQUEST TO THE universe" THE PROCESS OF Eliminat ion f vMir "craP" BEGIns. as your experi enCE GIVES YOU UNDERSTANDING--AND AS YOU REach new levels Of physical vitality— the shit will P AWAY OF ITS OWN ACCORD. ONE CANNOT P --starve— or force oneself into enlightenment, den At. LEADS TO YEARNING! PLEASE BE KIN! to yourself, break the cycle of punishment and r eward THAT WE HAVE ALL BEEN TAUGHT. If your life is full of "vice"--ask for awareness of t he initIAL— FUNDAMENTAL LACK THAT You filled with the vice, if your behavior troubles yo u. ask foR AWARENFSS OF THE IMpetus for the behavior, all adverse behavior stems from a cut-off to LOVE. LOVE heals all wounds to the spirit, ‘until trueselfhood is rea ched— until autonomy becomes a reality instead of some lofty and pretentious ideal --let us be content to shed the stress of urban mania— run naked through the woo

O

*N0TE:

ANARCHY—at this pom

t m history — is not wanted by everyone— not even deep down inside, one can have anarchy or "no government" unto oneself while governments merrily c ontinue to function for those who still desire it. the dictionary de fines anarchy as "the violent overthrow of governmental systems." i would never advocate this— as this would lead to pure hell on earth, a large body of people in this civilization still require governors in order to survive, one does not need to wait for these people to do anything before one can have autonomy.

6?

hen I was seventeen, I saw my first psy­ chiatrist. That was hack in 1937. I remember his office quite well, with its dimly lighted atmosphere, the thick Per­ sian carpet, the dark leather chairs, and the enormous polished desk behind which he sat. I'm sure that I didn't want to be there.

I've forgotten the details of our discussions, but a few things have lingered over the years. I did a lot of talking; and he did much reoeating back to me. I remember telling him that some of my classmates called me "sissy" and so did my father; that I didn't enjoy sports and sometimes felt depressed because T was not accepted. I put emphasis on the fact that I wasn't a girl, although my father sometimes sarcas­ tically referred to me as "Hary"; and I thought I felt like a boy my age should feel. Well, that was the general gist of the complaint.

He wanted to know of my "masculine" interests. I couldn't think of many. I dated girls. He asked me a great deal about that. I told him I could get an erection when I necked with a girl, but that I didn't think it was such a big deal. But he smiled at me when I told him about the erection, although the way the light from the desk lamp hit his eyeglasses, I couldn't he sure. Anyway, we came to the end of the first session; and he stood up, walked to a dark wall between two tall, heavily draped windows and was in shadow so that it was difficult to see him. And then I remember, as if it were yesterday, that he told me we would work together, and would try to "retrieve the masculine parts" of my personality. That lin­ gered. He was going to help me feel more like a male, more like a boy my age should feel.

But I had lied to him; I had left out important facts; and all week, between the first and second session, I wor­ ried about how I would be able to tell him the real truth. So when I saw him again, I told him, right away that I was homosexual. He said that I had said as much the first time I talked with him. But he asked how I knew I was; and I told him that as long as I could remember I liked boys and men better than I liked girls. I mean, I got along with girls fine, perhaps better than I got along with boys, but there was this feeling... but the good doctor kept

C ,

63

Then I got out of the car, she got in and sat between us, and we rode to the docks, and parked under one of those old wrought iron bridges.

pushing for more information; and I told him about the boy I had fellated and that the boy had returned the favor, but that I didn't particularly like this boy because he giggled a lot and wasn't as serious as I thought he should be. And then the doctor kept push­ ing for more; and finally I told him about my adult friend, a man I had known since I was fourteen years old, whose company I enjoyed very much.

Things worked just as Earl planned them. He got out of the car and the woman got out. She heisted her dress up above her middle and then got in back, spreading her legs out. Then Earl slipped a rubber on and got in, crouching between her legs. He'd told me I could watch. But it seemed so personal, that I got in the car and faced front, looking at the muddy Savannah River and feeling the car shake and hearing them groan and grunt as he pumped her.

Before the hour was up, the doctor was referring to my adult friend as "this . . . this man" as if he could not bear to say the word "man." He said things like, "You say a man, how old is this . . . man?" Or, "Tell me: what do you and this . . . this man do when you see him?" Things like that. And I lied again; I really couldn't tell him the truth; it was too em­ barrassing. Besides, although my friend had never pressured me to keep things secret, I knew I had to, for it was wrong and I couldn't get him into trouble.

But the more I talked, the more vulnerable T felt until I promised the psychiatrist that I would not see my adult friend any more.

I was scared because soon they were finished and it was my turn. Well, I got in the back, right away; but I was flaccid as ail hell and not feeling at all ready; and she noticed it. So when I was close to her, she took my hand and placed it over the wet muff of her pubic hair. She said something like "Don't worry, honey. It'll come up in a jiffy." But the jiffy passed. She then lifted herself up and started to go down on me; and I backed out of the car. I heard Earl shout, "And where the fuck do you think you're going?" but I didn't answer him. I started walking and managed to get up to Bay Street and headed for home.

I got really depressed then; I mean, for a long time, although I shared none of my feelings with others, I felt suicidal; I missed my friend; and while I thought the doctor was cruel for making me break contact with my friend, 1 knew he was right. T discontinued see­ ing the psychiatrist; for each time I saw him, all I could hear was my own voice droning away without his helping me. I redoubled my dating efforts, even got "serious" with girls, went to dances, stayed out late, ate a lot of junk food--you know, all the things I was supposed to do.

But soon, alone, Earl pulled up beside me and shouted: "You fucking queer. I wasted two rubbers on you and two bucks to boot." He was furious; called me "queer" several times, told me to get my ass in the car so he could take me home "where you belong." But I ran down some dark side street, and finally lost him.

Only those desires were still there. And months lat­ er, perhaps I was well into my eighteenth year, I told my one straight friend about myself. I had never men­ tioned my homosexuality to anyone. He called it "queer" and told me I was no queerer than he was, that all I needed was "a piece of ass," that I couldn't go on any longer being a virgin and that he was going to see to it that I learned the facts of

For days, after that, I felt numb, as if everything inside me was frozen, or bottled up tight and I couldn't let it out; it was like feeling nothing but a kind of deadness inside. And Earl kept calling me; and I kept hanging down on him. He appeared at the house, wanted to apologize, said there was "no call" to say the things he had said to me. Then I broke down, told him what he could with his apologies.

Finally he left. But it wasn't the end, for he kept calling, pleading with me to forgive him, telling me I was his best friend. And when I cooled off, I did.

life.

So, Earl, my straight friend, got his father's car and took me out one night; and we parked under some trees in Daffen Park--that's in Savannah, Georgia, where I was born and grew up. Earl took two condoms from his pocket. T never had occasion to use one; but I had seen them at school; some older boys always carried them around. Well, Earl opened his fly and took out his cock and stimulated himself to erection. He then rolled a rubber down the length of his shaft. It was fascinating. Then I took one and did the same thing; it worked perfectly. We then threw the rubbers away.

Earl explained how, in a few nights, we'd go back out; and this time we'd pick up a woman; and he'd "take a whack at her" first; then he'd let me get in the back seat and "take a whack at her."

So, Earl and I became very close. We'd get in his father's car, drive out somewhere, and park and do a lot of talking, mainly about sex and "my problem"; and, soon, about Earl's never having had a guy go down on him; and how much he wanted it and especially from his "best friend." Farl was a good looking, curly haired young man with soft brown eyes and beautiful skin; and I liked him a lot, but I couldn't, not just like that. But he said, in effect, that someday he'd reciprocate.

Well, I went down on Earl. It was nice. But he wanted it regularly. And we kept getting together.

But one night, when I was down on him, I felt him stroke my shoulders and back and run his fingers through my hair. When I looked up, he said he wanted to see mine, he wanted to try. He tried; and I hugged his head in my arms. Then, often, we'd go out together. He was a much nicer person with me than with the prostitute, because he showed feeling, tenderness and affection, not just for blow jobs, but for real love making. And he was good for me because although I still felt guilty as hell, I decided that if it's this good, this was what I wanted; and I'd have to find ways to keep it in my life.

I thought I knew Earl pretty well; but that first night, out at Daffen Park and then later, he really opened my eyes. Well, the time came; we were in his father's car again, this time heading for one of the red light districts in Savannah. Soon, he slowed down and parked under a street lamp; and suddenly, from one of the dark corners, a woman appeared, re­ cognized Earl's car, and walked over to talk with him. She called him "Sweetie" and told him she had missed seeing him for the last several nights. He introduced me to her; but I've forgotten her name.

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was guided by definitions which were derived from the heterosexual world.

I have been at some pains to describe these several episodes from my early life because T want to return to them when I try to explain why it has taken me so long to come out. Some men I knew got married and remained closeted. There were some, when I lived on the West Coast, who had come out way before Stonewall, but I'm not absolutely sure of that.

My closeted life was filled with contradictions and misconceptions. I didn't like sissies--and that will give you some idea of the depth to which my self­ esteem had fallen. But how can one have a bifurcated identity? How could that be? Didn't the textbooks teach us that identity was something whole, something like a coherent psychic integrity? Well, perhaps, there were not really two parts to my life at all; perhaps there was something cohesive holding all the disparate parts together. If there was, if socializa­ tion had produced such an integrated core (as Frikson would say), I didn't feel it. Again, like the actor, the presentation of selves which I gave to the world were in a state of constant flux and change, shifting, chameleon-like, surviving in a sea of internal ten­ sions which I often found burdensome* For, you see, those who are closeted are arch conformists. Adjust­ ments are constantly being made; one gladly accom­ modates, fits in, cooperates, is a peace-maker; and

But I came out late: at the end of my sixty-fifth year when important people in my life were dead (my wife, parents, an older sister) or living far away (another sister and an older brother) or having recently left me (my two grown daughters). I came out after retirement, after I had left a home I owned and had lived in for more than twelve years, after a plan to move to a new community where I knew only a sister and her husband. I guess there's no wrong or right time to come out; but I came out at a most unpropitious time, when too many gay men aren't pulled toward older men and when AIDS makes all of us under­ standably careful about our sexual needs and with whom we share them. And so, there are many odds against coming out now; but I came out; and that is important; and that is part of the burden of this paper.

What I learned very early from my past is that homo­ sexuality was perceived as inextricably bound up with effeminacy. My first psychiatrist quickly linked the two together. That is: no interest in sports, being called "sissy," etc., equaled homosexuality equaled effeminacy. And if I thought that this view of homo­ sexuality had vanished with increased enlightenment, I was recently disabused of that notion. For example, a year before I came out, I visited a friend, a man my age, in much the same situation in which T found myself. His wife had died seven years earlier; his older children were married and living on their own; and he was planning to retire from professional life.

He was living in a house he had once shared with his family. I asked: now that he was on his own, was he thinking about coming out? "Oh, God, no!" he said.

"Not at my age." I asked him how decisive a factor was age. He said he worked twenty years with people at the university, people who knew him "one way."

Besides, his son, who had "a fragile ego" would be "devastated" by such news. "Why?" I asked. "I'd be something less than a man in his eyes," my friend said.

It was in my seventeenth year, after my contacts with the psychiatrist, that the closet was made, the closet I thought I'd live in for the rest of my life.

I would continue to date girls; would continue doing what was expected of me; eventually marry and have children. I'd be a "mensch" as my father would say.

And I would continue this other life, this life in the closet. It was a bifurcated existence out of which I achieved some kind of split identity, the seeds of which must have been planted earlier.

over the years, the tensions and their attendant un­ certainties came to be part of my life. Fear of dis­ covery, of course, kept the wheels of this life turn­ ing. It was, this fear, fed by the recognition that those whom I knew would find it offensive if they ever discovered the truth. The dread associated with the prospect of discovery, became an all inclusive feel­ ing, something I learned to live with; and it reflect­ ed an internal anger toward values which I simul­ taneously embraced and disbelieved. These values, I came to recognize, were a perpetual reminder that no matter how convincing ordinary, middle class "moral-

I don't mean I knew what the closet was; I didn't. I did know that what practically everybody understood as effeminate behavioral characteristics were what I needed to consciously suppress. Rut like the bad actor, who must keep remembering his lines and his cues for coming on, I discovered that these two lives were constantly intruding on each other. On the one hand, the life of a "passing heterosexual" meant not merely "serving the system" but, over the years, buying into it; on the other hand, my closeted life 65

Ity" and "belief systems" could be, all their ad­ herents were the enemies of human diversity.

And a soldier who was quiet, spoke softly, who used few "fuck you's," would get his just desserts. I got mine. Rut it was not like some vast internal hurt which I carried around with me. It was much more com­ plicated than that. For one thing, I had a genuine dread of being identified as "effeminate." I began to learn quickly what to do, which words I needed to master, how loud my voice needed to be, how much to gripe and when to laugh at which sexist jokes. But, for another thing, there were men all around me; and I was filled with desire; and the most I could do was dream of this human smorgasbord from which I'd choose the most handsome of men.

Recently, when I began to reexamine the long years of my past, I came to the conclusion that the major bur­ den I faced derived from the definition of homosexual­ ity. I think that that, more than living as a "pass­ ing heterosexual," provided the lumber with which I built my closet. That a man could love another man; and that this love was associated with what the text­ books called "a disease of identity" was not really the heart of the matter at all. No, the heart of the matter was that to he homosexual was to be "something less than a man." And something less than a man was a woman. All the related words made sense: queer, ef­ feminate, sissy, girlish, and (my father's pet ex­ pression) "Mary." And the thought was clearly there, in contexts with subsequent psychiatrists and social workers, in the hooks I read, in the heterosexual friends I knew. It made little difference that "science" had interpreted things differently; that homosexuality was "fixation at the oral stage" (penis - mother's breast) or misdirected libido or "immature phallic development." I mean, these were mere formal izations of what, society generally already knew; namely, that there was "something female" about homosexuality--that is, "male homosexuality."

We had only five weeks of basic training and were shipped overseas, destined for the Philippines, I be­ lieve, but landing in Australia, after forty-eight days on the ocean. We were in Australia for two weeks; then went on to Guadalcanal, where we remained for about eiqht months. Ouring all this time, Joe, a married man, eight years my senior, befriended me. He was a loner; stuck pretty much to himself, and when he

I said that life in the closet was filled with the emotional and social baggage I carried there from the outside world. And to demonstrate this, I want to devote some time to the issue of how, during those precoming out years, I handled my homosexuality.

The adult friend, and then rarl were what I'd call "straight-acting" men; you couldn't tell them from other straights. And then there were others. And the task of recognizing my effeminate qualities was not confined to feelinqs alone. Perceptions of self which one acquires through socialization are more or less part of the whole person; and for me, body image was crucial. T was keenly aware not only of other men's bodies, but of my own. I was very sensitive to my lack of muscle, my slenderness.

I can well remember, in basic training, back in 1142, an experience which was inwardly painful, but which brought home to me what body image was all about. I used to dislike using the communal showers in our bar­ racks. So, I'd wait until late at night, when I thought I'd be alone. One night, however, two men joined me after I'd been showering not more than five minutes. I knew them both. They lathered up and one said: "Say, Landy, what'd they call you back home?

Snake Hips?" "No," I said, "they didn't call me Snake Hips." "Naw," said the other guy, "they never called him no Snake Hips. They called him legs, tegs Landy. Fver see legs like that except on a woman?"

They both laughed hard. "Yeah," said the first guy, "Legs! I like that better than Snake Hips. Yeah, that fits ’im much better." "Say, Legs," said the second man, "when you gonna let me get between your legs and plunk my wang up that tight ass of yours?"

"Yeah, well if you gettin' first, then I fin on seconds,” said the first man. The second man almost doubled over with laughter, "When I'm finished with that ass you can have whatever's left over." And then they roared, legs and a good firm ass were part of the major sex object: women. That was what all the Petty Grable, Lana Turner, Rita Hayworth pin ups were all about. Any huddled discussion about those pin ups centered around which woman would make the best fuck.

wasn't with me, he was usually not with anybody else.

He was a qoodlooking blond, with the only pair of brooding blue eyes I had ever seen. At first, I could never figure us out. We'd spend days together, foxholed, fighting not only the enemy, but mosquitos, malaria, the dirt and filth of jungle warfare. And he was always there. We buddied together in Guadalcanal; and I can remember long nights, when I'd be feverish and chattering from the chills and Joe'd wrap me in blankets and sometimes hug me close to him in the tropical heat to help me sweat it out. Rut we'd spend lots of time talking about his wife and children and 66

what he did as a civilian and what he planned to do when he got out; he'd read me parts of letters he'd get from his wife.

tant? Why did I continue to feel the threat of "doing something female"? Could it be--as I have asked my­ self recently--that the oppression of the gay man, as I knew it, was, in some manner, a reflection of that larger oppression of women? The dirty jokes of my youth and army life, mainly reflected what arbitrary power lay behind an erect penis; and what singlesighted direction it took where women were concerned.

The homosexual's "lack of integrity," in the psycho­ logical sense, is not an inherent part of what the homosexual person feels or does. It is society's per­ ception of the person. The equation homosexuality = effeminacy is a distortion of the nature of sexual response generally; but it is also a distortion of woman's sexual nature. And the "masculine" world of my past? What was the nature of the power behind this term? Its nature lay in competition, war-making, distrust of others, and an abiding need for an enemy.

In this context, the universal fear of effeminacy could make all men hunters, war-makers, enemies of each other. In sexual terms, "masculinity" makes women sex objects and child producers primarily, as if these identify her total being. It was easy, too, within this cultural context, for me to identify with women.

Then we went on to New Caledonia and the Fiji's, for long rest periods. And we stuck pretty much together there, too. We'd go off and read for hours without talking; or go swimming; or skinny dipping at night; or huy native wine and take it out on a hill to drink alone. And this went on for months during our rest period, until one night, when we were alone, and had just come from a swim, Joe told me that he thought in all the time we had known each other, I had been afraid of him and he didn't know why. I told him that I could never understand how we got together, we were so different (meaning he was straight and I wasn't, but I never said as much); and it just mystified me that we’d stuck together for so long. He said he had wanted to . . . to he my friend; but he was more direct and asked me why had I stuck with him if I'd thought we were so mismatched. And before I could figure out any words with which to respond, he rolled toward me, his naked body suddenly close and my arms went around his neck. We spent the rest of the night out there, in some abandoned part of the New Caledonia beach. He was another straight guy; and sometimes, because he was honest, he'd joke about my ass and T'd joke about his goodlooks, but twice, when things got really intense, he told me he loved me.

Rut the oppression of women didn't stop with the fif­ ties. How well I remember all those meetings, in the late sixties and early seventies, with sweaty chested men and their long-haiced girlfriends as mere follow­ ers. How hard I laughed when one of my more radical friends, aspiring toward his own brand of socialism told his girlfriend to stop complaining of women's political lot or he would 'jive her his hot beef in­ jection." And if I thought the "ideal".of the straight man had died with gay liberation, I have been sadly mistaken. All I have to do is peruse the personal ads in the Advocate to see how many proclaim straightness, muscle, Hiq cocks, no femmes, ad'ring policemen, marines, anything in uniform, catering to looking for slaves. And it. was all borrowed from the hetero­ sexual world, the world that sent us into the closet in the first place.

Oh, there were others--a bakery truck driver on the West Coast (the late forties), and Israeli graduate student (the late sixties) and more recently, after my wife's death, a lineman. Were they bisexual? Prob­ ably. They were all dead ends. The relationships lasted until it was no longer safe, until "home" and "wife" and "kids" and all the straight, heterosexual things reared their heads. Put when I reflect on this past, my notions of effeminacy = homosexuality break down. There was, perhaps, an initial attraction on their part to the fact of my "vulnerability," my being thin, or, as Joe put it, my small ass. Rut if I were looking for someone more "masculine" than I; and they were in search of someone less so, then we did not find these once we had become sexually involved, ^nce that happened, there was no passive-me playing roles with aggressive-them. I think this lack of role-play­ ing was what attracted us to each other. Still, one's crucial sexual feelings, particularly so when I was closeted, remained unsatisfied, hence, the cruising later, when I got back from overseas.

And if any really intrinsic progress is within reach, the new right--which is not so new--reminds us that we are still livinn in gnettoized communities or in the midst of a still hostile culture.

Rut ultimately, it was a compelling outside world which I joined. It was not by any means all negative; I learned much from it. 1 learned, admittedly very late, what coming out means. It means that the past is history; and this, this present time, is a disjunc­ tive point for me. It is my time, not as a reaction against the past--for reactions tend to boomerang--to find my own definitions of what my status is. I know that "masculinity" put me in the closet; and the fear of effeminacy kept me there; and I know that while, as a gay man, this was largely society's perception of me, women still remain oppressed. So, all of those old terms which harbored my "disease" need to be susr-ect.

It is possible for one woman to love another women; for one man to love another man. And if I believe that, then the value of my own worth can never be judged again by the old terms.

In the brief period between my divorce and second mar­ riage, I was with the Israeli student. His wife visited him twice while I knew him. When I told him T wanted to come out, he was shocked It would ruin us; ruin him; where he lived, our mutual friends, our colleagues, all knew we were friends; and he preferred to keep it that way. I saw his side of the situation; and althouoh he wouldn't see me any more, even when I told him T wouldn't come out as long as we stayed to­ gether, he did not relent. rrankly, I think somebody else was waiting in the wings to take my place.

All these men (and I include myself here) were fixed in situations which were primarily heterosexual. We had maintained the closet so that we could proclaim to the world that we were "masculine." Put the price of this "masculinity" was to remain closeted. And as iong as we did so, we helped to sustain the myth that there is a real separation between the sexes. And if w did not play-act, why was "masculinity" so impor­ 67

'AVI LIO N W E S S JO LLEY T he sidewalk is strewn with a million leaves of gold . . .

■ Through an open window a light can be ■ seen. Black and orange streamers decow rate the frame. G1ow-in-the-dark skulls smile gravely from the corners.

From behind the hedge row I stand silently in the con­ cealing darkness. My hands in my pockets protect them from the cold. The collar of my overcoat is turned up tightly over my chin; my graying beard helping to con­ ceal the telltale whiteness of my face.

Inside, a boy of ten is busy with an ice cream scoop, ladling the entrails from an enormous pumpkin. He deposits the seeds on a sheet of wax paper, tryinq un­ successfully to mask his disgust, gazing at his slimy fingers with an air of fascinated revulsion. Across the table his mother is busy with a shiny kitchen knife, carving a larqe toothy smile into a second, smaller pumpkin. The boy holds up his hands, moist with mucous, for his mother to see. They both laugh silently. His mother holds the discarded orange eyes over her own and sticks out her tongue. The boy gig­ gles again, shooting a wet seed at her from between his fingers.

A small ghost of a sound penetrates the chill night air.

Slowly I back away from the hedge and disappear into the darkness.

68

1 am the wary intruder. The secret agent! An in­ visible, undetectable microbe afloat in the veins and arteries of the societal animal. Am I a good, healthy microbe, or am I a lethal virus, waiting to attack?

Even I don't know the answer.

As I walk down the moonlit streets I brush the golden leaves aside with my worn tennis shoes. A bitter­ sweet odor of decay rises from the sidewalk. It is moist and cool. I breathe it in gently, savoring its freshness.

It seems so long ago that I called this city "home."

The streetlights cast warm pools on the street. Two lines of golden pearls, stretching away into the dis­ tance. I disturb a dog behind a picket fence. He barks madly, nipping at my ankles through the grating.

I pause for a moment and our eyes meet.

Away, he says.

Turning a corner I find that my new direction has led me precisely where I had intended. Laid out before me like a vast green carpet are several blocks of perfectly mowed lawns, children's playgrounds and secluded alcoves.

You are not welcome here.

The Park.

I understand all too well, and hurriedly cross the deserted street.

The sign I pass reads THIS PARK C!HSFS AT 11:00 P.M. There are no lights within the confines of the park, so I ignore the sign, leave the lighted streets, and plunge into the darkness.

Occasionally, when there are no aggressive animals to be seen, T pause in the darkness. As the night grows deeper I watch other domestic scenes. Through one window T see a woman sitting alone, sewing what could be a silky white wedding gown. In the sparse kitchen a man can be seen dumping dozens of miniature candy bars into a large bowl. He sets the bowl down and disappears to join the seamstress. Tor several minutes the kitchen is silent, and then a tiny hand in a pajamaed cuff stealthily reaches over the table edge, grasps a single bite of candy, and retreats.

The hand returns, empty, and clumsily tries to re­ arrange the remaining bars to look undisturbed.

rven before my eyes fully adjust to t.he night I can sense the changes. Although most of the park seems accurate to my failing memory, sMll 1 can see that time has not been idle. The benches are worn. The hedgerows seem overgrown. The grass a bit thinner.

The trees somewhat ravaged. I suppose that I really couldn't expect anything to remain exactly the same for forty years. Still I am a bit saddened by the sense of age I can perceive all around.

The thought strikes me dumb. Has it really been that long? Forty yeans? Yes. I suppose it has. Rut then agafrT, perhaps the park really hasn't changed at all. Perhaps the things we see as a child always ap­ pear new and fresh. Perhaps it is I who have changed.

Perhaps I wear the ravages of time far worse than the park.

In the darkness I smile, check my watch, and return to the night. It is 11:00 p.m.

As I enter each successive circle of illumination my shadow materializes gigantically behind me, crawls reluctantly toward my feet, and then leaps forward in­ to infinity. Over and over I pass through the suc­ cessive golden rings, slowly tracing a maze-like pat­ tern through the perfectly laid out streets, fats hunker down in the shadows as I approach, certain that they are hidden from the danger of my passing. I pre­ tend not to notice them and hurry hy.

I remember a time when the benches and bushes were a home for a smattering of old men in dirty raincoats, clutching their bottles in brown paper bags. Their fingers and faces dark and gnarled. As I walk through the night I feel like a reflection of that distant memory. Rut instead of gazing at them like I did as a child, suddenly I am the apparition itself, gazing back.

As the evening deepens there are fewer and fewer chil­ dren visible in the suburhan windows. Upstairs lights click off as they are put to bed for the night. The moon climbs higher over my head. Fewer cars cruise the dark streets. Fewer lighted windows. Humanity dwindles and disappears. Midnight comes and goes while I walk. By 2:00 a.m. I am far from the cozy familiarity of the freightyard. For so many years it has been my only comfort. To be back in the welltended suburbs again makes me feel a bit nervous and apprehens ive.

This is no longer my world. much alone.

Rut. the city must have become less tolerant in these many years. How there is no one to disturb the silence of the night. No sounds of loud snoring, no coughing, no one urinating in the bushes. Just silence; cold, calm and serene.

I miss the transients. As a child they were just a curiosity. As an adult they have become my friends and comrades. Companions on the rough seas of adulthood.

Reluctant voyagers, all.

I am lost, and very, very

The wind plays gently with the few ftctober leaves which remain at the tops of the trees. As they flut­ ter the moon casts a myriad of fractured shadows that shimmer and dance in the night. A single leaf gently dislodges itself and floats slowly to the ground, flourescent in the moonlight. I make my way forward, watching the dim outline of my shoes so far below.

Darkness pervades the air and houses so deeply that you can almost smell it. From far away, the quiet chime of a steeple clock strikes three perfect tones.

Dy the sound I manage to deduce where I am and re­ orient my bearings. At the final chime T check my watch once again. It is precisely a.m. j am alone with the night.

Stumbling in the darkness, weaving through the maze of trees and hedges, I quickly find my way to the center of the park. The trees part and I stand before a large circular clearing. The lake is here, and where the clearing meets the water it completes the outline of a crescent moon, arms of the clearing

A slower pace now. My sto^s are smooth and silent. A oolice car cruises stealthily around a corner and I fade into the shadows, waiting for it to pass. When The sound fades and the lights wink out far down the street, I rejoin the sidewalk.

69

seem to embrace the water and hold it close. The water strokes the shore with a gentle intimacy.

left this city that night, believing I would never re­ turn. A boy with no one to whom he could turn and no­ where to go, I left what seemed to be a cruel and un­ just world for a world I had yet to learn anything about. Fourteen seemed such a young age to begin run­ ning, and I had nowhere to go. But deep in my heart I knew that without Wally, I also had no reason to stay.

And, thank God, it is still here.

In the center of the clearing stands The Pavilion. A tall structure, it looks almost ghostly in the moon­ light, throwing its ethereal reflection into the water. Tor long moments I stand at the forest edge, trying to control the torrential rush of memories it has unleashed. My God, everything I loved and every­ thing I hated. My whole life. Fven myself. It is all still here . . .

It has been forty long years, but I have finally re­ turned. My hands are dark and gnarled in the pockets of my raincoat. There is a dank smell of spilled liquor to my lapels which never seems to quite go away. How different I feel now! And how much the same. Am I really so changed? I came to The Pavilion on that night as well. As I turned away I was so cer­ tain that I would never see it again. The air on that October night felt so similar to how it feels tonight, that I almost seem to be fourteen all over again.

As children, I remember, we would come here to play nearly every good day of summer. We called it "The Pavilion" because it sounded more regal and respect­ ful. Wally's mother used to tell us that it was a "Gazebo," but that sounded too cheap and frilly for us. Pavilion was a word that brought tortn images o t knights in shining armor. Of kings and duels! Of great deeds done for noble causes.

Oh, to be a child once more! To laugh and run and play just as we had done so many times. To be free and unrestrained as we clutched at life with all the fury our world could tolerate. Oh Wally! You were everything to me! Why did it all have to end so violently, so many years ago? All our hopes and plans, all my dreams, died with you on that October night.

"Gazebo" reminded me of the beans that Mom used to force me to eat at Grandma's house.

Put. for all its qrandeur, The Pavilion was a simple structure. It seems even simpler now as I stand view­ ing it with the eyes of an adult. Ah, the eyes of youth can endow the most mundane things with powerful magic! I trace the outline in the moonlight. A wooden roo", suspended by eight, pillars over a raised octagonal floor. Two sets of five steps each to en­ ter either side of the structure. Except for the two sides where the steps rise from the grass, the plat­ form is completely surrounded by an elaborate railing which serves as a back for the benches which line the inside.

More memories. our skin.

The laughter of children.

This October night.

I walk slowly forward, up the stairs and into The Pavilion. My watch reads a.m.

The wooden railing under my hand still feels firm be­ neath the shards of crumbling paint. Fven as a child I remember that The Pavilion had been drenched in a dozen coats of paint. In places protected from the weather the paint still held, stopping in jagged lines and curling chips of white. But as I look closer I see that time has not been too kind. There are a few more broken slats and a new hole in the roof shows a smattering of stars.

The sun on

Wally and I would spend hours here; swimming in the lake, climbing the trees, running back and forth so wildly that we would eventually collapse together in a panting heap. We were so young and full of life that every minute, every second seemed vitally impor­ tant! We had to live it to the fullest.

For many minutes I explore the columns with my finger­ tips, noting the fluting and beveling done by some master craftsman long ago. In places along the rail­ ing the paint is totally gone. Bare wood, weathered by storms and the touch of a thousand human hands. I place my own hands to where, as a child, I had guarded my position as defender of The Pavilion. Wally stood on the opposite side, guarding the far flank. In my mind I can see us there, back to back. Steadfast al­ ways in our fiqht. Together we would fight the world if need be.

Perhaps it was in the mock wars where our comraderie beqan. Together, we would invade The Pavilion, liberating it from the other kids and then defending it with our slingshots and fists as if it were some valuable fortress. ,Je could play the game for hours on end, until finally we would hear our mothers call­ ing to us from across the hedges. Then as suddenly as we had arrived we would swarm off the structure, leav­ ing it cold, lonely, and at the mercy of all the other kids.

I can imagine the passing of thousands of people through the years. Weddings have been performed here on warm spring mornings. Lovers and friends have sat on these benches on cool summer nights, watching the sun set slowly over the lake to the west. Hundreds of couples. Hundreds of hands.

Somehow it always saddened me to leave The Pavilion.

I would never fail to pause and look back for a moment as we ran across the grass. I would glimpse a new battle beginning, new armies being formed, and then Wally and I would leap the hedge and disappear to­ gether .

Gently, mine begin to search the "luting on one parti­ cular post. An overwhelming memory of two children, working silently in the dark with a pen-knife. Some­ where on this particular piece of wood an oath had been taken. A symbol had been carved. Forty years ago this very night.

As the two of us grew, many things in our lives changed, and we grew ever closer. The Pavilion re­ mained our special place.

Ah, yes! There! My fingernail traces slowly through the two intertwining W's. Involuntary tears spring to my eyes as the memory comes crashing back once again . . .

And then, forty years ago, it all ended. In one crashing instant my life changed from the happy four­ teen year old boy to the homeless frightened child. I 70

*

*

We laid our clothes into a soft bed in the center of The Pavilion that night. The moon was a slight crescent and gave a cool white glow to our skin. We had laid together many times. We had held each other when it was needed. But somehow we knew that tonight was different. Tonight was the beginning of a whole new world. A whole new bond. One we accepted, fine we greedily hungered for.

★

We were both fourteen. Wally stood before me, wet in his swimming trunks, intent on his work, nur clothes lay together on the floor of The Pavilion. We had sneaked into the park for a midnight swim, and now we both shivered in the cool October air.

Soon our swimming trunks lay under our heads as pil­ lows, and we melted naked into each others arms. His fingers were soft upon my face. Our lips parted, met, melted together. Youthful passion took us under its wing as Wally and I were washed, awestruck, into a whole new world. We felt our lives grow from friend­ ship to comraderie . . . To love.

We'll catch our deaths of cold, I thought.

In the darkness of the night we were like two thieves, glancing nervously around. Jumping at each whisper from the trees.

With a final release of his breath, Wally finished carving his W on the fluted column. With his dark and gentle eyes, he pulled me closer to him, and placed the penknife in my shaking hand. "Better hurry," he said.

My mind was awhirl! I could feel Wally warm in my arms . . . Taste the sweetness of his lips . . . And it was the first time! The very first! There were sounds coming from my lips, but. I couldn't identify if it was the sound of weeping or the sound of laugh­ ter. With a start I realized that it was both! Sud­ denly I felt complete, like all my life I had been longing for something that was so abstract as to deny understanding. All at once it seemed so clear!

There was a single moment of ecstasy when we were no longer two people, but a single, complete whole A unity! Truth, light and love! A clear flash of vision, the world on fire!

I carved my own W while he stood guard, trying to in­ tertwine the limbs of the letters, nervous and fright­ ened that we would be caught. When I was finished, Wally took the knife from my hand, setting it beside us on the bench.

How long we looked into each others eyes that night, I'll never know. Sometimes we would seem to hold en­ tire conversations without speaking a single word, content to become lost in each others eyes. Happy al­ ways to lose sight of where one of us left off and the other began. There was nothing else in the world that was more important to us than these times. As long as we were together we knew we could face the whole world. We didn't speak of ever being separated, for we were sure it could never happen.

On fire with light!

Blinding, white light!

With a violent jolt my mind cleared. The ecstasy ex­ ploded into the night, disappearing without a whisper.

But the light remained. Tor a moment I wasn't sure whether it was real, or whether T was dreaming. Per­ haps, I thought, we are lighting the world from within . . .

"hat night a thousand unexpressed emotions were silent' ly spoken. A thousand confused needs. A thousand burning desires. As the earth spun gently under us, we allowed our souls to brush each other, ever so gently. And in those minutes or hours that, we shared our lives, the last of a thousand brick walls crumbled into dust. We were left with nothing but each other. rhe rest of the world faded into non-existence. There was nothing but myself. Nothing but Wally.

And then I heard a voice.

"Jesus Christ!" it said.

And with those words, my world crashed. The flash­ light wavered for an instant, the moon reflected off a golden badge. A policeman's hat, outlined against the stars . . .

And The Pavilion.

We were in shock. In silence, we rode in the caged back of a police car. Locked in like two criminals.

I held Wally's hand. They couldn't deny us that. We trembled in silence as the policeman glared at us in the rear view mirror. We didn't even dare to look in­ to each others eyes.

Wally finally glanced away long enough to retrieve his pen-knife. Wordlessly he snapped open the smallest blade and pressed the sharp point gently into the tip of his index finger. He stifled a quick intake of breath, and a small trickle of Moo d squeezed out around the shining blade. In the moonlight it looked as dark, rich and sweet as chocolate syrup.

When we arrived at my house the policeman escorted me inside, leaving Wally locked in the car. I ran im­ mediately up the stairs while he talked to my parents in the living room below. But I didn't wait. I closed the door to my room, opened the window and climbed down the back drainpipe as I had done a thousand times. T ran to the police car, but I couldn't unlock the door. Wally tried frantically to jimmy the door from the inside. I crawled into the driver's seat, but Wally was separated from me by a steel cage.

He handed me the blade and I repeated his action.

Into his cupped palm, we each squeezed a half teaspoon of blood. With a small twig we took turns stirring the dark liquid, mixing it well, for the next hour we Painstakingly painted the symbol of our friendship.

With wide blades of grass we traced each line of the intertwined W's with the blood of our lives. It was a small symbol, well hidden behind the post, but when it was finished it seemed to mean so much. We smiled at each other. As Wally wiped the remaining blood off '$ hand with an old handkerchief, I knew that we would never part. That now we would be together for­ ever.

The policeman didn't take long. Soon I saw him talk­ ing in hushed tones with my father on the front porch.

Turning, ready to leave. Wally and I clutched our fingers through the grating. They both held small dried remnants of our blood. Through a diamond shaped 71

Oh, God.

space In the cage, our lips met.

"We'll leave together," he said. worry."

He smiled at me. his last.

"Tonight.

Was your balance off, Wally? When that blow struck, were you just so surprised that you forgot you were on the staircase? Was the blow really so powerful as it seemed? Did it really pick you up and hurl you over the bannister?

Don't

His warm, mischievous smile.

Oh my dearest God.

It was

Or were you just ready to die?

Reluctantly I eased from the car, closed the door silently, and disappeared into the bushes scant mo­ ments ahead of the policeman. As the car disappeared I saw Wally's forlorn face looking back at me through the rear window. I glanced back at my house in time to see my father. -He paused before the door, a look of shocked confusion on his face. Then, slowly, sad­ ly, he entered the house. In my mind T could see him climbing the stairs. Heading for my room. His face haunted me that night, and ever since.

No! That can't be! Goddammit Wally, not now! It doesn't matter! It really doesn't matter! We don't need it! We don't need anything! We have each other, and goddammit Wally--we have an agreement!!!

Why, Wally?

I thought you'd never leave me.

In slow motion your body fell, and when the floor rushed up to your head, you never even moved your arms to ward off the blow! Perhaps you were dead already.

Perhaps it was your father that broke your neck, and not the fall. I heard your body hit with a resound­ ing thud that even reached me outside the window. It sounded like the end of the world. For a fraction of a second I couldn't find my voice, but somehow I must have. The next thing I remember I was there with you on the floor, cradling your body in my arms. Your head hung away From your shoulder at a sickening angle, and I knew that you would never hold me again.

Never kiss me again. Never.

I ran, Rut I did not run mindlessly. I ran the shortcut which T had learned years ago. The one route that would take me to Wally's house the fastest. Still, I knew that the police car would reach Wally's house a good fifteen minutes before me.

I ran madly that night. I leapt hedges and cleared fences with an agility that I had never experienced.

I outran several dogs, running like hell itself was right behind. As if a thousand tortured demons snapped at. my heels, begging for the chance to rip me to pieces.

I remember screaming. I remember standing up, staring into the waxen faces of your mother and father, frozen and in shock. I remember screaming into their faces.

There were no words, I was just screaming wildly, in­ comprehensibly. Screaming as if I thought my voice would bring you back to life. Screaming as if I thought it would make you fly to the top of the ban­ nister once again, and look down at me with that mis­ chievous smile I had loved.

When I reached the house it was already too late. I saw the police car disappear around the corner. Heard a hoarse shout from inside. The sound of something breaking. Creeping up to the window, I looked in.

Wally's father was a big ox of a man in a sweat stained tank top shirt and levis buckled over a bulg­ ing beer helly. I had always thought him to be a dangerous man. I had told Wally so on several oc­ casions .

And then I was running again. I don't remember leav­ ing your house. I don't remember going to The Pavilion. I just remember standing here once again.

I reached through the railing and snatched up the penkni fe.

From the window T could see up the staircase to the first landing. Wally's mother was collapsed on the bottom stairs, wailing wordlessly, drying her tears on her apron. His father had Wally cornered under a floral painting at the top of the stairs and was shouting into his face. Rroken shards of glass still clung to the frame of the painting and were scattered down the stairs. I thought I could see a spot of blood on his father's knuckles. Wally's head was turned to the side, as if the very words of his fath­ er could burn his skin. Roast his face from his skull. His body was tense, his shoulders squeezed upwards, arms rigid at his side.

That night, as I ran in my hysteria, I thought I could hear you calling to me from The Pavilion. My mind was filled with the image of you, standing there in your wet swimming trunks, beckoning me to come back.

The clock on the steeple chimed four times, drowning out the sound of your voice.

I ran. I didn't look back. runninq. ★

For years, T didn't stop

"k

"k

"Wally, it doesn't seem that the pain gets any less, does it? The W's are still there. I can feel them, even in this darkness. It's been forty years Wally.

Can you hear me? I thought after all this time . . .

But I'm finally back and it still hurts. It hurts so much! I have tried to find you again in a hundred people. T have walked through a thousand little towns, searching. Oh, I guess I knew that I wouldn't ever find exactly you. I knew that wasn't possible. You were dead, after all. But I thought perhaps someday I would find someone who made me feel like I mattered.

I remember that the words were mostly lost. Between his mother's wailing and the thick glass I could hear only raw, unbridled anger, and a smattering of words . . . " . . . ASHAMED . . . " I heard, and " . . . USELESS MAN . . . A GODDAMN FAGGOT! . . . MY ONLY SON? . . .

NEVER! . . . NOT HERE . . . YOU RASTARD! . . . I'D RATHER SEE YOU DEAD, YOU SONOFABITCH!" Wally never moved, and with his eyes clenched so tight he never saw as his father lifted one heavy arm, poised it to strike, and unleashed a massive backhand.

»!They're not out there, Wally.

72

You're not out there.

There was only one of you in this world, and he died on that October night, forty years ago.

The night air deepens. encloses The Pavilion.

The moon sets and the darkness

"This October night . . .

Our laughter is wind in the trees. *

"Forty years ago."

"Michael!

★

From far away, the clock on the city hall begins to strike, four slow times. Fach individual sound seems to take hours. I sit silently on The Pavilion bench, one hand curled around the W's. The other hand catch­ ing my tears.

Sunlight. Warm on the back of my neck. I feel cold wood under my hand. The sound of children playing nearby.

The Pavilion still feels alive with my touch.

"Fxcuse us, mister?"

"And look at me, Wally! I've become an old man! How could this have happened to me? When we were to­ gether I could never imagine a time when we would ac­ tually be old. I mean, that just never occurred to me! I always thought that we would spend a hundred years together, and nothing would change. We'd keep each other young and we'd live forever! Your eyes would always be bright, your smile warm, your skin soft and smooth.

I open my eyes. Two boys. Probably ten and twelve.

They stand together in the center of The Pavilion, looking at me nervously.

Don't. bother that man!"

"Would you mind if we played here for a while?"

"Michael!

I said don't bother that man!"

I look over my shoulder at the mother, sitting on a blanket fifty yards away. "It's alright," I call.

"We always laughed at those old men who slept in the bushes. We could never understand why anyone would want to live like that. We couldn't comprehend what kind of tragedy would drive someone to that kind of despair. I never dreamed it would happen to us. Hap­ pen to me."

The boys are still there, standing close, looking at me suspiciously. Fyeing my ragged beard and clothes, I must be a somewhat unusual sight. As I rise slowly to my feet I look under my hand for the symbol. In the sunlight it is barely visible. One would never know it. was there, if you didn't know what you were looking for.

The wind in the bushes makes a light scuffling. With a sigh I release the tears I have been holding for so many years. The W's under my clenched hand feel vibrant and alive, almost as if they are fueling the fire of my tears. The Pavilion cradles me like a womb, holding me tight against the cold. I fancy that I can hear Wally's sweet breath over the wind. The sound of his footsteps as he would climb to meet me before the war. Two comrades! He would climb slowly, leaving wet footprints, his hair damp on his forehead.

I hear his first steps on the wooden stairs. Slowly, I count to myself as he climbs, trying to distinguish his footsteps from the beating of my heart. One, he is stepping, two, he is climbing, three, he is almost, four, he is, five . . . here!

"What are you guys going to play?" I ask.

"We're just going to keep the other kids out. is king Arthur's Castle."

"Castle?" I ask.

Pavilion."

Tilted heads. they ask.

This

"In my day we called it The

Wondering eyes.

"What's a Pavilion?

I stand in silence for a moment, then smile at the boys. "Funny, but I guess I don't rightly know," I sigh. "You ever heard of a 'Gazebo'?" They shake their heads no. "That's f’ood." I turn to leave, but as I go I add, "You guys know that tonight is Hallow­ een. Don't go swimming. You might catch your deaths of cold."

"Wally?"

I force myself to look up, and through my hazy, old and tear-filled eyes, it seems that T can almost see him standing there. A fourteen year old boy, standing silhouetted against the moonlit lake. He wears only swimming trunks, wet hair clinging to his scalp and water dripping from his fingertips as he stands in the center of The Pavilion. I gaze at him, and then stand myself.

We are exactly the same height. I with lake water, and stand here in My body is young and supple again, hands are soft and smooth. I feel been standing here for a very long

Brent!

*

I walk out of The Pavilion, but as an afterthought re­ turn to the boys.

"Here," I say, handing them the penknife. I had never been without it all these years. "I am giving this to both of you, and not to one of you alone. As long as you both shall live, I want you to share this.

Never do anything bad with it, and keep it safe for me. Always. Dkay?"

too am drenched my swimming trunks. and my gnarled old oddly like I have time.

The kids look confused,

Wally smiles. A deep, mischievous smile. His eyes are dark and wondrous. I feel lost. Before he takes me in his arms, I wipe the stringy, wet hair from my forehead.

"nkay."

The children are playing in the park as I walk away.

Time stops. There is no policeman. There are only two boys who want so desperately to be one. Two who would not forget. Two who would not be stopped, no matter what stood in their way.

73

by BIG STONE [Copyright 1986]

It was now the latter part of the 23rd century and the "New Age" had begun long before. The human race had at last learned how to blend their technology harmo­ niously with spiritual enlightenment. Most people lived in extended family-tribes that practiced various forms of social organization, religion, etc., but all condemned intolerance as a thing accursed. "Love thy neighbor" and "Do unto others" were now the laws of the land.

■

van was excited, but tried hard to look solemn as he sat cross-legged in the B ritual sweat lodge. Loony Bird, the Lynx tribe's berdache and Ivan's teacher, sat across from the boy and chanted prayers in a low voice. From time to time, whenever he paused between one chant and another, the berdache would reach into a leather bag at his side and take a few small green leaves from it to scatter over the steaming rocks. The boy breathed the thick, humid air in and out--it was heavy with the scents of aro­ matic herbs minqled with the smells of sweat, wood smoke, and steam coming off the hot rocks. These sat in a shallow hole at the center of the sweat lodge, shedding a dull red light upon the scene. Drops o f sweat caught the faint light and glittered as they ran in the total darkness of the lodge.

Jt

Individuals who could not control their negative emo­ tions, called Intolerants, were anathema in New Age society, a society which could sense emotions. No longer could individuals hide their intolerance or other negative emotions behind deceptive masks or glib words--their true feelings stood exposed for all to feel their twisted, disruptive energies. new breed of teachers, like Loony Bird, had arisen to train children in the ways of love and tolerance, but de­ spite their best efforts a few failures still existed, throwbacks to an oppressive era. The Intolerants' lives were ones of constant wandering, for their nega­ tive emotions were unwelcome everywhere.

Ivan was being purified, for that day was his 13th birthday. It was now time for him to go seek his adult name in the vision quest, as was the Lynx tribe's custom. Three days before, he and Loony Bird had camped at the foot of the sacred mountain where generations of boys before him had sought the spirit's help. The mountain had been used for that purpose for centuries, even as far back as the Native Americans, a long, long time ago.

But Ivan was no failure. Indeed, Loony Bird had begun seriously considering making Ivan his apprentice and future successor. The boy looked up to Loony Bird 74

Such human-animal pairs were not uncommon in New Age society, but they were the mark of a highly developed empathic talent. Loony Bird was bonded to a seagull, which Ivan had often seen and been allowed to feed.

The bonding did not tame the animal--it remained wild and had a will of its own--but somehow the bond-part­ ners knew each other on a non-verbal level.

with great respect and love. The berdache's flowing white hair and beard were the stigmata of manhood and wisdom to the idealistic boy. Ivan smiled to him­ self as he remembered when he was younger, how he loved to huq his teacher and bury his small head in that huge beard, oretending he was lost in a warm snowstorm.

With the innocence of youth, Ivan never stopped to consider the speed and ease nr the bonding that had just taken place. Later, Loony Bird would marvel at the boy's accomplishment, but to Ivan it just seemed natural . The lynx then sent Ivan a series of thoughtpictures. Apparently the animal had seen something it could not understand and wanted Tvan to explain. The boy was puzzled by the images of a weird light in the *orest, but could tell where it was from the lynx.

The berdache's chanting stopoed and Ivan's mind re­ turned to the present. Loony Bird rose and left the sweat lodge with the boy following. Outside, a play­ ful breeze raised gooseflesh on Ivan's steaming body.

The older man dried and dressed the boy in a cere­ monial loincloth while singing another chant. Ivan had been told in detail what would happen and what to do before this, so no words of explanation needed to pass between them. But oh, the richness of the emo­ tions they shared! When the boy was clad for his quest, Loony Bird sat down before the sauna fire and began yet another chant. Ivan knew it was time to go.

They walked swiftly through the woods towards the area the animal indicated. The lynx led the way until it reached a dead stump upon which It. jumped and stared straight ahead. Tvan stared too. A hoop of glitter­ ing light about three meters in diameter hung shining just above the ground. The area all around it seemed scorched and from the lynx Ivan got a recent memory of a violent electrical storm on the mountain. Had a lightning strike done this, he wondered?

With a light step he left the campsite and entered the thick forest that girded the mountain, taking whatever direction his fancy chose. Ivan had no fear of be­ coming lost, for the small crystal pendant he wore around his neck was a sort o* mini-computer and com­ munications-1 ink. It could always tell him which way to go to get back to the camp or, if he were hurt, alert Loony Bird to come and get him and guide the berdache to his side with a beacon. The hoy opened up his emotional perceptions the way his teacher had shown him and began to Dick up small animal sendings-fear, hunqer, curiosity, contentment. M ith some ef­ fort he could tell what kind o f animal he was receiv­ ing sendings from. reeling a lynx's contentment, Ivan’s heart skipped a beat. As quietly as he knew how, the boy went cautiously towards the source of the emotion.

Ivan approached the shining object despite the lynx's warning thoughts. Holding his pendant out, he scanned the thing, hut the crystal could not analyse the circle--indeed, the ring o f light did not exist so far as the crystal was concerned! The boy then used his per­ ceptions again and tried to pick up anything from the circle. To his surprise he felt the presence of an­ other boy about his age. u ho could it be? nnly one boy at a time was allowed to quest upon the mountain--it was the tribe's rule!

Ivan hesitated a moment, but then his curiosity got the better of him. Being careful not to touch the hoop of light itself, Ivan stepped through it and, without severing the link they shared, vanished from the lynx's sight. Ivan calmed the animal's confusion and turned to studying his surroundings. The other side of the circle seemed to be no different. The boy found himself apparently on the same mountain, in the same forest, but it was now too late in the afternoon judging from the position of the sun.

Few of his tribe had ever seen their totem, for lynx were extremely shy creatures which shunned man and his works totally. Ivan was therefore excited at the prospect of seeing a live lynx, ’/hen he had been younger, hunters had brought the body of a dead lynx they had found to the village for everyone to see, so Ivan had an idea of what one should look like. But Loony Bird had told him the badly decomposed body could give no idea of the cat's muscular grace and anility.

Ivan sought a time reading from his crystal and was shocked by its response. Looking beyond the visible light spectrum, it had scanned the obscured stars and noting their changed positions calculated the present date. The crystal told Ivan the date was May 30, 1?17 A.O., 6:37 PM. The boy turned to make sure the circle was still there and, reassured by its presence, he reached out again to locate the other boy. He relt very close now and Ivan crept towards him.

The berdache had been right. The boy looked on in surprise and fascination at the large cat as it dex­ terously cleaned itself, just like any ordinary housecat. The animaT had just finished eating a rabbit it had caunht and was now perched on a large, flat rock as it conducted its toilet in the typical feline manner. Tvan noted its fur which was different ^r0P1 the dead lynx's. This individual's coat was a solid light gray, almost si1ver-colored.

The other boy sat cross-legged in meditation next to a clear pool of water. Across from him, a waterfall dropped sparkling!y into the nool, keepino the waters agitated. The late afternoon sunbeams glanced off the rippling water hypnotically. Ivan watched the boy from behind a tree for awhile and wondered if this all were a dream o f some sort. He was nervous and shifted uncomfortably, crushing a twig. The other boy instantly looked in Ivan's direction.

There was no longer any use in hiding, so Ivan came out. The other boy was astonished--never had he seen a person with skin so pale or with hair the color of straw.

Ivan was not aware of any noise or movement he might have made, but the lynx suddenly looked ui at him, radiating intense curiosity. They regarded one an­ other a few moments and then, much to the boy's sur­ prise, the feline's sendings changed back to content­ ment. Picking its way warily among the loose rocks, it walked right up to Ivan and rubbed itself against his legs, purring loudly. Ivan stroked the soft fur with delight and realized that a bonding had taken Place.

75

Neither hoy understood the other's language, but Ivan's empathic talent established an understanding between them, so that they knew they meant each other no harm. They sat together by the pool and studied one another intently. Soon they touched each other In curiosity and the urglngs of adolescence led them on to more. They ended spending the night by the pool, sleeping in one another's arms, exhausted by the sharing of their bodies.

MY DREAM .

by MARK A FALKENRATH

S

itting beside the fire, drinking spiced rum in hot tea. Never stirring unless to place another log upon the low burning flames. The crackling coals and dancing flames amuse me into the late hours. My cats are all snuggled and warm around me.

Faintly in the distance, the eerie cry of a loonon the lake reminds me I am not alone. My lover stir in the next room, mumbling something about pizza in his sleep. I am very happy, comfortable, and satis­ fied. My mind slips back to my childhood. Summer days chasing butterflies in the pasture next to a babbling trout stream.

The next morning, after a sunrise swim in the cold mountain pool, they returned to the circle of light together. There, Ivan and the boy exchanged the only gifts they could give each other--their ceremonial loincloths, for the other boy was on a vision quest of his own. both knew they could not stay together, for each had his own place to return to. So they hugged each other farewell and Ivan went back through the hoop of light to his own time.

The lynx was still waiting for him and Ivan wondered that it had not moved in all this time. Then he checked his crystal and found that only five minutes had passed on this side of the circle since he had gone through. Not wasting a moment, Ivan went straight back to camp to tell his teacher all about his adventure, loony Bird could scarcely believe Ivan's story at first, but the loincloth was there and the crystal had recorded everything. On top of all that, there was Ivan's bonding to the lynx, which had followed the boy back to the camp and now sat nearby, coolly regarding the berdache's seagull. The bird for its part continued to preen its feathers^ unconcernedly--but kept a watchful eye on the feline nonetheless.

The cuckoo clock rudely calls 3:00 a,m. Yet sleep does not call me to bed. I remain up planning my next day's activities. After breakfast with my love, I'll finish planting the garden. Then go for a ride on my golden mare to the other side of the lake to my favorite fishing hole to catch the night's supper.

Realizing if I'm to do all that, I'd better get into bed. After stirring the coals and placing the guard in front of the fireplace, I tiptoe into the bedroom.

Lying as still as the night, my love lies sleeping dreaming of what, I'd like to know. Crawling under the covers oh so softly, I lay my warm firm body next to his. With one hand, I stroke the hair on his belly. With the other, the hair on his head. My face snuggled in his neck, drinking in his beauty and smell. I drift into an ecstasy of sleep.

Loony Rird had no explanation for the time distortion and sought none. All that mattered was that Ivan was safe and better for the experience. Together they began to prepare the evening's meal. It was simple fare, but filling, and soon Ivan was sitting sleepily, leaning against Loony Bird's side. The dying coals of the fire allowed the glory of the stars to become apparent in the sky. As the pair was gazing at them, the berdache recalled the purpose of Ivan's quest and asked what name he should be called by as an adult.

I am suddenly awakened into reality by the scream of a siren passing my apartment window. I am alone and cold. No warm lover beside me, no lake outside, no glowing fireplace. The cats are hissing and fighting in the next room. Oh shit! I wish I never woke up from my dream.

"41," Ivan replied, after thinking a minute.

"Why?" asked his teacher.

"Because first I met the lynx, then I saw the light, then I found love and Its token, this loincloth."

"Well said," Loony Bird exclaimed, "the spirits have given you much. Will you give as well?"

"I will try. you."

It would be easy if I could be like

"My way, the way of the berdache, is not easy," the older man cautioned, "but 1f you are determined..."

"I am!" the boy broke in.

"Then my apprentice you shall be," the berdache smiled, hugging the boy closer. "Follow me, Ivan 4L.'

â&#x2013; piAMB 1937

76

I feel a definite schizophrenia on the subject. While I feel that coming out is definitely a personal deci­ sion that everyone should be encouraged to come to on their own terms and in their own time, what are w p to think and do about a Ray Cohen or a Terry Dolan? Both these men died from AIDS, both were ultra-conservative Cohen harassed and destroyed numerous lesbians and gay men when he worked with Senator Joe McCarthy, that famous witch-hunter, anti-communist and anti-gay from the 50's. Dolan was a main fundraiser and mass mailer for the new religious right. When such people active­ ly and eagerly work to oppress us--their own community --should we sit back and allow them the luxury of hid­ ing their identities while they try to obliterate us?

CELEBRITY

by TONY NORRIS

[This essay was first printed in the April 17, 1987, issue of M e t r o l i n e > P.0. Box 31251, Hartford, CT 06103.]

When you view the problem in terms of our present status in society, it hardly seems reasonable that we should protect them. Yet I am sure they use our com­ munity, our meeting places and our lifestyle to ful­ fill their physical and emotional needs. And often­ times, these are the same people who furtively engage in sexual pleasures in public areas that, when dis­ covered, drag down the image of the community as a whole.

here were recently a couple of articles in the Metro!ine about Liberace and people's feelings about his less-than-public ac­ knowledgement of his gayness. [See also M.A. Define's article in RFD #51.— Ed.]

One writer felt that Liberace did the gay community a disservice by not publicly announcing his gayness when he discovered he would die from AIDS. Another writer felt that this type of decision is per­ sonal and that Liberace had lived a gay lifestyle which should have communicated to everyone his sexual and emotional orientation.

But this is not a problem unigue to our community.

Many "outsider" groups in different societies have had some of their own members turn on them. It happened during the rise of the right wing in Germany, when some prominent members of the Jewish community iden­ tified "trouble-makers" within their own ranks to Nazi gestapo. There were Native Americans who broke off from their tribes to serve the English.

It's a sticky wicket, a problem that has re-occurred many times over the past few years. And although Rock Hudson found the courage to face the world, we can't assume that every celebrity, with AIDS or without, will come to that decision at some point in their 1ives.

Yet there does seem to be a unifying thread to these betrayals. The turncoats always seem to be people in prominent positions--people who feel that they have too much to lose (materially) to risk being identified with their own people. And that is probably the reason why Liberace failed to rise to the challenge.

I remember a story a friend of mine, who was a minis­ ter in the Congregational Church, told about a con­ vocation of ministers that were to decide about a gay and lesbian ministry. He related that the most vocal opponent of the ministry was a man who had lived with another minister for a number of years in a gay rela­ tionship. As the debate continued, the opposing minister's ex-lover, also attending the conference, stood up and announced to the assemblage that he and the vocal opponent had indeed been lovers for many years. My friend called the incident an example of 'shouting them out"--meaning, those lesbians and gay men who were unwilling to come out publicly needed to be "shouted out" or have their true identities re­ vealed despite their reluctance or outright denial. I ave to admit that the tactic has some appeal , since there are a number of lesbians and gay men who active­ ly oppose lesbian and gay rights or open gay and les­ bian 1ifestyles. Many times, these "turncoats" hold prominent positions in society.

But it always seemed odd to me that those people, es­ pecially prominent and often successful lesbians and gay men, fear the disclosure more than many people who are still eking out a living and risking that living by coming out. It would seem that those who have so much materially would feel less threatened by a coming out. It certainly wouldn't mean, even if they were ostracized, that they would have to scramble to feed themselves.

But perhaps that's a lesson in materialism. Often it is the health of their pocketbook, and their "public image" that means more to them than the health of their soul and the welfare of their own kind.

77

HOMOSEXUAL 'FASCISTS’ HIDE THE WRONG THING

by CHISHOLM RIVERS At this point I was asked for my definition of gay.

irst the good news: This is not going to he a commentary on AIDS.

"A gay person is a non-homophobic homosexual," I re­ plied, proud of my aphoristic abilities.

Now the bad news: I've been thinking a lot about dead homosexual fascists lately.

I agree this is an odd pastime but not an entirely fruitless one, if the joke may be permitted.

What started me on this peculiar line of thought was an early April report on National Public Radio's "All Things Considered" about the then-recent suicide of South Africa's Minister of Environmental Affairs. It turned out that the cause of this mysterious suicide could be traced to a homosexual adventure that was about to surface 1n the press. Furthermore, another South African minister Involved in the same unsavory affair had committed suicide 1n exactly the same manner--a shooting on the beach--a few weeks earlier.

That brought the count up to two dead homosexual fascists.

My interlocutor pointed out that my very efforts to disassociate myself from homosexual fascists proved that I had internalized the homophobia of the majority culture. "It wouldn't matter to you if it didn't matter to them," he said. As is usual when I find my­ self entangled in contradiction, I turned to my own experience.

When I lived in Washington, I had actually seen Terry Dolan once from afar. He looked like a clone: musta­ chioed, muscular, and short-cropped hair. He surely wasn't pulling the wool over the Reverend Falwell's eyes. But it's heart-warming what people— even ideologues--will tolerate in successful fundraisers.

Perhaps Terry Dolan swayed a few hearts to our cause as he filled the coffers of those political trog­ lodytes who would like nothing better than for homo­ sexuality to just go away! As Bill Joel put it, only the good die young.

Meanwhile in Washington, D.C., about six months ear­ lier, conservative fundraiser Terry Dolan died of AIDS at the age of 39. "Surely you're not labeling Terry Dolan a Fascist!" I can hear conservative readers cry.

I have a theory that Terry Dolan was the ghost of Ernst Rohm, the homosexual chief of the militia of the Nazi party killed at Hitler's orders during the first Nazi purge. It would be a fitting reincarnation. I figure there's an equally good chance that Phyllis Schlafly is the tormented soul of Eva Braun doomed again to tread this mortal coil. It's the only way I can explain the appearance of such moral mutants.

But I can't accept the argument that homosexuals, by being loyal fascists, incline the establishment to favor gay lifestyles. The best one can hope for is benign neglect. I once met a man in a leather/levi bar dressed in full motorcycle regalia. Upon ques­ tioning, he revealed that he was a political appointee to the Government Administration Office, the grayest and most faceless of bureaucracies. Intrigued at the discrepancy between the day-time job and the night­ time fantasy, I asked him what the Reagan administra­ tion thought of homosexuality. "How can you have an opinion about something that doesn't exist?" he said.

Homosexual fascists have again made the news--this time in the form of a "private" foundation that helped Oliver North funnel money to the Contras. Seems as if some of the funds were diverted towards the aid and welfare of the boyfriends of these vigilant patriots.

Fascists need love too.

When I was a middle-management grunt in the government bureaucracy I worked for, one of the supervisors, a bright and fast-rising young Republican, died of a sudden disease that rapidly wasted h1s body. His lover spoke at the funeral, to which the whole agency was invited, but in more polite circles the nature of the connection wasn't specified. And the disease from which he died was called "cancer."

I asked a friend of mine, an expert on gay life-styles during the Nazi era, how a self-confessed homosexual could promote an ideology that condemned him for being homosexual. "Hey, there are gay Catholics," he re­ plied. By now T was thoroughly confused.

(Before I continue I should hasten to add that I use the term "fascist" as a metaphor for anybody who sub­ scribes to an ideology that places absolute authority in the mouth of a leader and certainly do not Include Catholics as part of that definition.)

If there's any comfort I can derive from all of this it can only be in the affirmation of our famous slogan: We are everywhere. However as long as we don't force others to acknowledge it, we leave our­ selves vulnerable. To quote from Nietzsche's The Gay Science (just a coincidence, folks): "As long as you are in any way ashamed of yourselves, you do not yet belong with us." Homosexual fascists have every reason to be ashamed, but it is the wrong thing they're trying to hide.

As I thought through the problem--or tried to— I realized that I felt involuntarily and unwillingly connected to these jerks, not because there was any­ thing I wanted us to have in common, but because the majority culture negatively categorized us in the same way. In the eyes of the world, Terry Dolan, Minister van der Closet, and I were all cancanning down Christopher Street together. How could I dis­ associate myself from these low-consciousness types?

"I'm gay!" I said. "These other creeps were just homosexuals."

V (This article first appeared in the May, 1987, issue of O U T ! , P.O. Box 148, Madison, WI 53701.1

78

TAPPING THE SYSTEM

by PRAIRIE WIND it’s fairly'simple on the state or local level. Call or write to the candidate and point-blank ask how he/she stands on issues that are important to you. find out what church they attend. Tf the person at­ tends a "fundy" church, or a very conservative one, chances are that person will not be sympathetic to you when they are in office!

reetlngs! I would like to ask you a few personal questions. How would you rate your local, state, and federal govern­ ments? How do you feel your local, state, and federal governments are handling Witches and Pagans when it comes to reli­ gious rights? How.would you rate them in other areas that are important to you— freedom of Choice, the en­ vironment, nuclear arms, etc.? My guess is that you ranked them fairly low in all areas, especially when it comes to religious issues.

If a candidate is going around door-to-door, invite him/her in and then quiz them. These are the people who will be deciding "what's best for YOU." Find out as much as you can about each candidate no matter what they are running for--from Dog Catcher to Governor, Someone who starts out as a dog catcher just may be your state's Governor one day.

Ho any of us realize how incredibly fortunate we are?

Has it occurred to anyone that the "Powers That Re" have granted this generation o f 'fitches and Pagans everything our ancestors ever hoped for? ue have to seriously look at the gifts the Cods and Goddesses have granted us:

When you narrow it down to the least of all evils, help that candidate get elected. Do volunteer work for them, put up posters, make telephone calls, offer to drive voters to the polls, etc.

il A country with NO state religion. ?) A country that has legally recognized Witchcraft/Paganism, i) rreedom of Speech and Press.

41 The right to vote for both sexes.

5) The right of both sexes to hold property and monies.

P) The right of legal counsel for both sexes.

There seems to be a misconception about the democratic process in this country. The democratic process does not end when the candidate is sworn Into office. For some reason peonie tend to think that their elected official are mind readers. vour elected o fficials do not know what you want unless you tell them!!! T constantly hear people complaining about what, "the government" is up to, but I very seldom have come across anyone who has written or talked to their elected officials. WF are their constituency, and WF need to start making ourselves heard. Let's quit complaining, and start acting'

The list can go on, but I think that's enough for now.

We have been given the means to bring our religion out of the closet and into the light of day, if we use those means. This brings me to another very per­ sonal question . . . Do you vote? If not, why don't you vote? In a very short time this country will once again be electing a president, and I think it's high time that Witches and Pagans made an effort to control their destiny.

Blessed be!

V

Voting is easy--choosing a candidate is another mat­ ter. You have the right to find out as much as you can about them, and you should! It may not be easy to pin-down a presidential candidate's true beliefs, but

fThis article is reprinted from Volume ], Number 2 of The Report of the witches League for Public Awareness, P.O. Box 8736, Salem, MA 01971-8736.1

THE DECLINE AND FALL OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION

by STUART NORMAN the past few years may be too late. After all, every culture has a finite lifetime, and ours ds dying.

hatever little good writing will do, I am writing this in anger and hurt over the politico-social direction in which our na­ tion and much of the world is heading.

In pro *5i j wrote that the oendulum might swing back to liberalism. This is indeed possible for a time, and we can be o* assistance in the orogressive swim. T believe that is a natural cole in any culture *or gay people. Rut a longer cange outlook appears dismal. It has to Ho with the nature o * western culture. Tts extremely unbalanced Philosophy toward the rationa1 istic-reductionistic and the exploitative are a danger to the human race. nur social system uses up ail resources, but environ­ mental and spiritual correctives which have arisen in

The problem with this approaching death is that it could take most of life on the planet with it. c-o it is our duty to alter our culture in order to survive at all. I'm not sure we can do this, "e seem to be blindly headino down a one-way road to destruction.

Western culture is doomed. It has had its day. Rut what can replace it?

I must ask you to withdraw your support from our cul­ ture and actively work to subvert it by non-violent means. I'm not advocating revolution--that won't work. But keeping up our activism and searching for 79

peace, harmony, or general welfare, or led us toward a more humane behavior, but have promoted the basest behaviors. They have not fostered any goals beyond the self to revere.

new philosophical concepts that would support a humane culture are very Important now. We have already built part of a 11fe-susta1n1ng foundation of belief which could succeed. However, we may not be able to effect cultural change. Our culture may continue on its path to destruction through Ignorance and Inertia.

They have called gay people perverts, criminals against nature, even monsters, but in reality that behavior 1s only deflecting attention from their crimes and guilt onto us. They are the sinners against Mother Earth.

Have the American people lost faith’ Have complacency and cynicism set It? So few seem to care what 1s hap­ pening to our society or even want to know where we are heading.

It is time their thinking and behaviors were swept away so the rest of us can live 1n peace. If they have their way no one will live at all. Shall we al­ low them to have power over us?

Most of us had hopes for a better world during the 1980s, but now those are dimmed. Yet these values are still alive among a few o f us. How can these be fostered’

These people cannot be considered sane. They have suppressed much of their humanity, but for what? If they have to defend themselves against humanity? Are they psychotic? Dare we let the less than sane rule us? How can we trust their decisions? Everything they support will surely lead to civilization col­ lapse.

Now Americans only seem to want our country to be a strong world leader and economically prosperous. rconomic success, consumerism, conservatism and a re­ fusal to self-1ntrospect1on or outward concern for social problems characterize the 1980$. Th1s is from fear because we face lowered standards of living and declining expectations of the American dream. So can we really be angry at the rest of our people?

The current U.S. administration 1s a good case in point. It 1s only a symptom of an underlying way of thought and limited perception. All nations suffer the same thought pattern, no matter the ideology or political issues.

Our economy may be on the brink of disaster. Economic parallels now and preceding the 1929 stock market crash are very close. Expect a severe depression within 2-3 years. Politically, that could foster in­ creased totalitarlanism worldwide and light the fuses of many volatile political situations.

President Reagan was put in power by a coalition of right-wing southern Californians from John Birchers to Christian fundamentalists and military industries.

He 1s a doddering actor-puppet apparently leading a purely public relations-based administration-all sur­ face glitter while the substance is hidden beneath.

His administration's views are so narrow, elitist and isolated from the people that they don't know what most Americans want. Nor do they care. Fortunately, most Americans aren't in accord with the administra­ tion .

A lack of ethics and no consensus on ethical behavior in the nation have fostered the temptation to act ex­ pediently. Pur philosophical system has broken down and is now 1n flux. Yet we gays and other progres­ sive can't support a return to all traditional views of ethics and morality. Those are part of the problem.

This regime has its political agendas to pursue hased on their version of the truth, which apparently they believe they have by some divine revelation. Thus they don't care how America 1s viewed by the world.

Hr else they have tried to hide their actions from us.

What makes them think they can force their beliefs on us?

This pernicious influence has spread even to New Age spirituality which has taken on a right-wing tone and 1s used to justify material gain, exploitation and hard-heartedness.

World leaders and others in positions of great power and Influence are so often part of the problem, lead­ ing the world into hell. They demonstrate no love, have no heart, are amoral, sick and evil. They lack compassion for the poor and minorities. Their minds are blind to the dangers their beliefs and actions pose for the world. They don't see that they are creating a world in which no one can survive. They don't want to accept reality, only to hide current problems by force or cover-up.

The right-wing and fundamentalists have discredited themselves in the Iran-Contragate and DTL-gate scan­ dals. The Democratic party 1s weak, but the Repub­ lican party has been weakened by the scandals. Our administrations, whether Democratic or Republican, have been getting worse since World War II. So on this 200th anniversary of our Constitution our nation faces one of the worst crises in its political history.

This administration has pushed through Congress op­ pressive laws with little public notice. We now live with preventive detention laws for some types of crimes. Bail can be denied and the accused held. It appears they are trying to establish a police state.

In a world where millions die of disease and starva­ tion every day, but which 1s technically capable o f caring for them all, the moral imperative is to do so.

Power, politics, religion and the affluent life be damned. The situation can only grow worse with in­ creasing population. It is only a matter of time be­ fore we reach a breaking point. Then what?

They have made attempts at censorship of ideas and ex­ pression over rock music lyrics, pornography, sex/AIDS education, tried to gut the Freedom of Information Act and recently declared the Fairness Doctrine un-

Thus an indictment of our cultural, religious and government institutions Is that they have not promoted 80

population. The problem facing us is that people in such power situations and mind-sets will cause much destruction before they wreak it upon themselves. It always comes back to them. Such is the lesson of human history. But have we learned it?

constitutional (there will be a big fight upcoming over this). The McCarran-Walter Act is used to keep out controversial foreign thinkers, writers, artists by denying them visas. Covert groups, either govern­ mental or private, are fostered to spy on or act against progressive organizations. Is there an in­ quisition coming?

At this late date it is more important than ever be­ fore to heed history's warning. We sit on the eve of potential destruction of the world. And their shortsightedness would allow them to ignite the fire --enthralled as they are at the possibility within the spark. They won't ask us whether we agree.

America acts as an empire attempting to control the world, intervening in many smaller countries for our business interests. We are perceived as acting in an anti-democratic fashion, and so we have lost respect in many parts of the world.

Ecological issues are not addressed--pollution, nu­ clear industry, toxic wastes, clear cutting forests.

Social issues are glossed over— the threat of famine, overpopulation, racism, homophobia, health and the stigma of AIDS.

But it is time to identify them, see their aberration and say "no more." Are we willing to remove them from power?--lest their playing with a power they don't understand consume us and them. It would be fine if their abuse of power would consume only them, but they wish to take everyone with them. And T doubt it would be to heaven.

Our government lies to us. Most Americans know that, yet we do little to change it. We know the government has its bias and propaganda and fosters media bias and apathy. Special interest groups fight with each other in seeking favors and power from government.

And the rest of us are left out of the system. The military-industrial complex and other big businesses have the power to dictate public policy. Their views cannot be for the general welfare. Yet this nation could care for its people if we didn't spend so much on the military.

Perhaps it is time we consider severe closed-minded­ ness, resulting in psycho-fascism, bigotry and authoritarianism, as a mental aberration or distur­ bance. Can we find a way to treat it and rehabili­ tate its sufferers?

Or else someday perhaps fundamentalists, bigots and authoritarians may have to be quarantined so their sickness won't spread. Don't think it can't happen.

Bigotry will backfire.

The Supreme Court is being stacked with staunch con­ servatives in the most blatantly political move that demonstrates no concern for fairness. It could affect our society for the next 30 years.

We still have a thriving gay movement; we're estab­ lished. We've made some gains and suffered some depressing losses. And we will have to continue to fight for our rights. There is probably nothing we can say to the current administration which could help us. They are beyond redemption. So it 1s to the American people we must take our case. There are many out there who will support us when they see we have a common enemy. Mass protests may help. Some guerilla political tactics might work, such as call­ ing fundamentalist anti-gay rhetoric obscene and challenging it in court. But we must avoid violence or else we become no better than they.

The decisions by the Court against our community in the Bowers vs. Hardwick sodomy ruling and the recent Gay Games (Olympics) vs. the United States Olympic Committee expose the bigotry of the Court, the naked power so thinly disguised in language. Such decisions will likely be viewed as ridiculous in the future by judicial and legal authorities if our system survives.

The Court endangers itself and our system of justice by setting itself up for loss of respect.

Beneath the agenda for mandatory AIDS testing and quarantine legislation lies obvious homophobia. We know it; the right-wing knows it. They want us to die, to kill off our movement by attrition.

If the human race is to survive at all we will have to play our part. I call for the shamans among us to set up the psychic bindings to prevent their ag­ gression, to stop their agendas, to bring into play forces that will bring western culture to a peaceful end soon. Curses are not needed. Western civiliza­ tion is cursing Itself and Mother Earth. Those of us who are her stewards will survive because we are smarter than they.

It remains possible, considering the power and re­ sources of the government, that AIDS is the result of an accident in which an experimental viral strain escaped, or that AIDS is germ warfare intended to destroy gay power. There are groups within our society and in government which would not hesitate to carry out such a plan if they thought they could get away with it. In current situations in which covert activity plays such an important part of governmental Policy, who would know? Secrecy rules the day.

Responsibility to the people and morality have been dispensed with as impracticable, ineffecient or coun­ terproductive. The people don't know what is going on in the nation and in the world.

If I survive the coming end I want to sow salt in the philosophical ruins of western civilization so it can never again spread its malignancy over the planet.

It has been the most inhumane culture in all of human knowledge. Let us hope we have the chance to start over and restore the balance.

?ut eventually actions must have effects, and some­ times unexpected ones arise. The best laid plans can backfire, as we have seen in the Iran-Contragate scandal and in the AIDS epidemic. Homophobia has assisted the spread of AIDS into the heterosexual 81

A L 721

by JOHN

S.

JAMES

[Copyright 1987 by John S. James]

A

L 721 1s an experimental AIDS treatment derived from egg yolks. It 1s known to be safe and without serious side effects.

All available Information from laboratory studies, clinical trials, and anecdotal reports suggests that although It Is not a cure, 1t appears to be helpful even at severe of HIV Infection.

rhe bad news is that despite promising early results, little testing has been done, and only a handful of people can get the "real", official AL 721. For this potential treatment, like a number of others, has fallen victim to a public-policy nightmare of bureau­ cratic and commercial red tape. All but lost to in­ stitutional medicine, AL 721 has joined an under­ ground, grass-roots circuit of rational AIDS/ARC treatments, well supported by all existing evidence but largely Ignored by the official research system for Institutional (not scientific or medical) reasons.

2 parts PC, 1 part PE) through educated trial and error in laboratory tests; this ratio showed a sharp peak 1n effectiveness in causing certain changes in cell membranes. The researchers were not looking for an antiviral, but for ways to modify the action of receptor sites on cells for other medical purposes, stages such as helping alcohol or narcotics addicts overcome their habit by relieving withdraw! symptoms.

AL 721 affects the membranes of cells, and also of "I1p1d coated" viruses, a class which includes AIDS, herpes, CMV, and Fpstein-Rarr. The first suggestion of possible use against AIDS appeared 1n a letter to the New Engl and Journal of Medicine, November 1085.

Several scientists, including Dr. Robert Gallo of the U.S. National Cancer Institute, reported that AL 721 greatly reduced AIDS virus infection of human cells in the laboratory.

Since AL 721 had already been given to humans and was known to be safe, the obvious next step would have been to try 1t with AIDS or ARC and see if it helped.

But 1n almost a year and a half since the above arti­ cle, only eight people have received AL 721 in scien­ tific tests--with good results. About 15 others have received it quietly in Israel, often against the wishes of the U.S. licensee to the patent on AL 721, with good to excellent results. This writer does not know of any other human experience with the official AL 721 as an AIDS/ARC treatment, anywhere in the worl d .

During the last year a number of AL 721 substitutes have been tried. But only 1n the last few weeks have good ones become available.

This article reviews the background of AL 721, tells what you can get now or In the near future, and tells where to find more Information.

A number of events 1n late March and early April of 1987 gave AL 721 much-needed public attention and credibility. A Wall Street civil-disobedience demon­ stration precipitated major media coverage of AIDS treatment research and availability, letting the public know that the issue exists. In Israel, the researchers who developed AL 721 reported that the seven patients in their initial treatment group, all seriously ill in advanced stages of AIDS, all improved clinically with AL 721 treatment. And the U.S. Na­ tional Institutes of Health announced that its AIDS "reatment rvaluation Units would evaluate AL 721 in a "Phase T" dosage study. Incidentally, the stock of Praxis Pharmaceuticals, the manufacturer of AL 721, almost doubled in price in the last week of March, apparently reflecting the new credibility of that com­ pany's only product.

AL721 BACKGROUND Al 721 consists entirely of substances found in or­ dinary egg yolk, so 1t could legally qualify as a food. Fating egg yolk would not have the same effect, however, because the ingredients are not in the right proportion fa 7 :?:1 ratio), and also because the high cholesterol In egg yolk would Interfere.

AL 791 was developed by cancer researchers at the Department of Membrane Research of the Weizmann In­ stitute of Science in Israel. The three components are: phosphatldylchol1ne CPC), the main ingredient of ordinary lecithin; phosphatldylethanolamine (PE), usually found with PC In lecithin; and "neutral lipids", ordinary fats like cooking oil or butter, which serve as a carrier for the PC and PE. Scien­ tists found the 7:2:1 ratio (7 parts neutral lipid, 82

THE ‘H O M E FORMULA' April 1987 saw the first of a new generation of egglecithin AL 721 substitutes which are probably better than the home formula; but we don't have much experi­ ence yet since people have used it for less than two weeks at this writing.

The failure of official AIDS researchers to follow up on AL 721 and test it seriously, from November 1985 until March 1987 at least, has left a vacuum which home experimenters and a few physicians have filled,, A number of AL 721 substitutes have been tried, but none worked well enough to attract much interest until the "home formula" (see below) appeared in January 1987 and quickly superseded all the earlier attempts.

For the benefit of those who don't already have the home formula, we reproduce it here:

"PC-55 (tm) is a high-strength lecithin concentrate made by Twin Laboratories, Inc., Ronkonkoma, NY, and sold in health-food stores. It contains two of the three ingredients of AL 721; they are in a 5:2 ratio, close to the 2:1 used in AL 721. Neutral lipids can be added to PC-55 making it a*membrane fluidizer com­ parable to AL 721. This material is a food nutrient, it is not a drug. It is safe.

"Combine five tablespoons of PC-55 and 12 tablespoons of water in a bowl, and whip with an electric mixer.

Slowly add 6 tablespoons plus one teaspoon of butter (6 1/3 tablespoons butter) which has been melted (measure the butter before melting). Whip thoroughly three to five minutes. This mixture divided into ten even doses gives slightly over 19 grams of the lipids per dose. Each dose should weigh about 30.4 grams or 1.06 ounces.

"The individual doses can be placed into plastic sand­ wich bags for freezing. If you don't have a scale, you can measure out two tablespoons to each bag, then add a much smaller amount to divide the remainder.

One person separates the doses in an ice-cube tray.

Move each dose from the freezer to the refrigerator a few hours before use. This preparation spoils very rapidly at room temperature; it must be frozen unless used immediately. "(An earlier version of this formula used olive oil instead of butter. The proportions are 5 tablespoons PC-55, 5 tablespoons + 1 teaspoon oil, and 10 tbsp water.)

"The material is best eaten in the morning, spread on fat-free bread or mixed with fruit juice. The user should eat a fat-free breakfast which might consist of fat-free cereals, skim milk, fruits, or vegetables.

There are no restrictions on lunch or dinner. An additional dose might be taken before going to bed.

Patients treated in Israel are given two doses a day for about four weeks, then single doses indefinitely.

Some people with AIDS might experience diarrhea with this membrane fluidizer, especially with the addition­ al dose. Eat brown rice and other solid foods.

"You can help others and yourself by keeping a record of your experience--doses, dates, and any resulting effects.

"For information call Steve Gavin, (201) 677-2795.”

83

much of the "official" AL 721. Almost no one has con­ trolled the PE level at this time, and many experts doubt that 1t 1s critical.

Mr. Gavin developed this home formula 1n January, 1987 and distributed 1t at meetings of persons with AIDS. This writer published the formula on January 30. We don't know how many people have used 1t by this time, but there must be several hundred. So far we have heard only good results; people have been happy with this preparation.

Eggsact 1s nitrogen packed. It must be kept cold, at freezer temperatures for long-term storage. The com­ pany plans to provide foil packaging, but for now 1t 1s using canning jars to make the product available Immediately. Naturally this material can be sold only as a nutritional supplement, not as a medicine, and the company cannot discuss medical claims or uses.

How does this home formula differ from the "official '• AL 721? It differs mainly 1n Its use of soy lecithin Instead of egg; the PC and PE from soy have minor rhemlcal differences from the egg varieties. And In­ stead of the "egg oil" neutral 11p1ds used 1n AL 721, It uses butter, a substitute suggested by experts as the closest generally available. The substitutes were used because egg lecithin and egg oil are diffi­ cult to obtain. (Apparently the scientists who devel­ oped AL 721 selected the egg substances as the closest to those already found In the human body. No pub­ lished studies anywhere suggested that the substitutes wouldn't work; but none proved that they would, either.)

The cost of using Eggsact 1s *3 to $6 per day— com­ pared to 50 cents to $1 per day for the home formula, or $2 to $4 per day for egg-based workalike soon to be available from the PWA Health Group (see below).

Several other companies are believed to be preparing to market AL 721-11ke products. At this time the only one we can confirm is Oarrow Formulas, 265 East Redondo Beach Blvd., Gardena, CA 90248. Jarrow plans to sell a product packaged so that 1t may not need refrigeration until opened. He Intends to offer a very low rate to nonprofit groups, 1n addition to standard commercial distribution through health-food stores, physicians, and other health practitioners, but he cannot sell small quantities directly to in­ dividuals.

Three months later those Involved have little doubt that the home formula does work. Mr. Gavin has estimated that 1t may be half to three quarters as effective as the official AL 721; this estimate may be conservative.

It is rumored that Praxis Pharmaceuticals is consider­ ing marketing AL 721 as a nutritional supplement, as well as pursuing eventual approval as a pharmaceuti­ cal. If so, Its product could become the gold stan­ dard against which the others are judged. It would be the only one able to use the name "AL 721".

EGG

LECITHIN SUBSTITUTES

At the time of this writing (April 20), only one AL 721 workallke using egg lecithin 1s on the market: "Eggsact" from INTREND, a new company 1n Santa Cruz, CA (see phone number below). INTREND was started by three people whom this writer has known socially for several years. Knowing that they were Involved 1n the health-food business, I kept them Informed about AL 721 and encouraged them to produce a workallke product. To prevent conflict of Interest I avoided any financial Involvement with the company (as with all other AIDS treatments and companies), and have no role 1n this operation besides volunteering Informa­ tion.

PWA HEALTH GROUP AND HEALING ALTERNATIVES BUYERS CLUB At least two nonprofit organizations, in New York and San Francisco, will soon distribute an egg-based workallke very close to AL 721. Unlike Eggsact, their product uses egg oil and controls the PE level. Or­ ders must be placed a month or more 1n advance, as the manufacturer requires a minimum order of 100 kilo­ grams (about <16,000) and then needs time to prepare it. The minimum individual order 1s one kilogram, for about $200.

"Eggsact" uses egg lecithin for the PC and PE, and butterfat for the neutral lipid carrier. Butterfat had proven successful in the home formula; INTREND chose it because of the difficulty of obtaining egg oil, and also to avoid possible legal problems with the AL 721 patent. The lecithin is not irradiated, and 1s a high-quality, injectable grade usually used for making pharmaceuticals. Although contamination would be unlikely, the product was tested for sal­ monella and staphylococcus, with none found; the level of peroxides, a measure of possible rancidity, was un­ detectable in the chemical tests used. The company will make copies of the test results available on request.

The PWA Health Group started within the PWA Coalition in New York, but then became independent, as the charter of the PWA Coalition does not allow sale of a nutritional supplement. In San Francisco, a number of persons including this writer who have placed orders with the PWA Health Group started the Healing Alter­ natives Buyers Club, as a vehicle for distributing the local portion of the original order placed through New York. In the future, the Healing Alternatives Buyers Club will buy directly from manufacturers.

And 1t will actively help facilitate the formation of similar groups elsewhere.

The PE ratio is probably low, below the theoretical 10 percent-~as it Is in the home formula, and indeed in

For address and phone Information, see below.

84

ADDENDA CONCERNING AL 721 * Issue #1 of AIDS Treatment News ("AL 721; Fxnerimental AIDS Treatment1'1 said Fiat AL 7?i might not be recommended for persons with Kaposi's Sarcoma (KS).

This caution was based on theoretical concerns coming from certain cancer research. Today there seems to be little if any worry about persons with KS using AL 721--especially since it is now know that KS is not a cancer. We have little information one way or the other about AL 721 and KS at this time, but the con­ sensus seems to be that there isn't a problem. [From

AL 721 PRECAUTIONS Though AL 721 has few side effects, some cautions must be considered.

"AL 721 Update," 6/20/87, John S. James]

* The "home formula" for an AL 721 substitute has two recipes, one using butter and the other oil. (The proportions used differ, to compensate for the fact that butter contains a certain amount of water.) Most people are using the butter formula. Those who want to avoid butter because of food allergies or for o t h e r reasons are usually using olive oil.

Recently physicians have noticed that some people who had used AL 721 become ill shortly after they discon­ tinued it. In fact, two of the eight lymphadenopathy patients who received the treatment in scientific tests developed AIDS four to six weeks after their AL 721 was discontinued. These cases may be coinci­ dence, and there is no evidence that AL 721 made any­ one more ill than they would have been without it; but until more is known, physicians are advising per­ sons not to start AL 721 or workalikes unless they plan to continue. (Fortunately the home formula is always available in case supplies of AL 721 or other workalikes are interrupted.)

Another approach--suggested by a physician who is an expert in food allergies--1s to use clarified butter instead of regular melted butter. Cookbooks tell how to prepare clarified butter. The oil recipe, not the butter recipe, should then be used, as the water in ordinary butter has been eliminated. The purpose of using clarified butter is to avoid certain components of butter which could contribute to allergy problems but do not contribute to the AL 721 substitute. {From

Too much lecithin can cause nausea, diarrhea, mental depression, and loss of appetite, but is not believed to have lasting ill effects. In some cases nausea or diarrhea attributed to AL 721 turned out to be caused by intestinal parasites such as amebas or giardia in­ stead; these parasites can be eradicated by medical treatment.

"AL 721 Update," 6/20/87, John S. James!

* A number of buyers clubs are starting around the country and abroad to provide AL 721 substitutes, vitamins, and other products used by HIV-positive persons at discount prices. These groups are very different: some carry AL 721 substitutes and others don't, some ship orders and others only make them available for pick-up locally, some have extensive product information. The PWA Health Group, New York, and the Healing Alternatives Buyers Club, San Fran­ cisco, are detailed above. Here are some more numbers you can call:

Animal studies have shown that large doses of lecithin given during pregnancy can accumulate in the fetus and reach very high levels, causino subtle neurological damage in the offspring. Could proper amounts of AL 721 help to protect unborn children of pregnant women who are HIV positive? Medical experts should examine this possibility.

918-496-8883 201-481-2645 213-856-0436

Nutrico/Dklahoma Project Inform.

Has 1DO-page package of informa­ tion; will ship orders.

New Jersey; will ship orders.

Los Angeles; will ship orders.

fFrom "AL 721 Update," 6/20/87, John ~. James)

* The meticulously careful and thoroughly documented scientific work which developed the theory behind AL 721 is illustrated by the 2-volume book Physiology £f Membrane Fluidity, edited by Dr. Heir ShTnTtTky, a cancer researcher at the Weizmann Institute and the principle developer of AL 721, and published by CRC Press, Boca Raton, Tlorida. [From a i d s Treatment

FOR MORE INFORMATION The PWA Health Group can be reached at Box 234, 7D-A Greenwich Ave., New York, NY 10011, or call (212) 995-5846. jhe Healing Alternatives Buyers Club is at P.O. Box 411107, San Francisco, CA 04141; the phone will be (41 5) 861-3056.

N e w s , #24, January 30, 1987]

* Fake AL 721 on the way? Industry sources tell us to expect that one or more companies will start selling powdered egg yolk as "egg lecithin".

0 reach INTREND, the maker of Eggsact, call Bill Powell at (408) 429-3596.

The product, commercially called "dried egg yolk solids", is normally used 1n cake mixes, breads, ^ilkshakes, and other processed foods. Cheap and readily available, it can be sold at an enormous markup and still undercut legitimate "generic AL 721" type products. It is no closer to AL 721 than egg yolks from a grocery store.

'or a packet of five articles by this writer on AL 721 and lecithin, including scientific background and references, send one dollar to John S. James, P.O. Box 411256, San Francisco, CA 94141.

85

"Use of this formula in the United States, and in some other countries, may infringe patent rights."

The best defense will be community-run organizations such as buyers clubs, which can do laboratory testing when necessary to expose bad products and select good ones.

[From AIDS T re atm en t News, # 37, J u l y 3 1 , 1 987]

Write to John S. James for more information. * AIDS Treatment News, #?4, January 30, 1087, Includes an AL 771 laboratory formula." Some of RED's readers may be Interested in this formula, which includes the following prefatory note: "Caution: the process . . . uses highly flammable materials and must be done with proper facilities. This Is NOT a home recipe.

[T h is a r t i c l e (w ith o u t th e addenda) o r i g i n a l l y ap­ p eared a s i s s u e # 3 0 , A p r il 2 4 , 1 9 8 7 , o f AIDS T r e a t ­ ment News, p u b lish e d b iw eek ly by John S . Ja m e s, P .O .

Box 4 1 1 2 5 6 , San F r a n c i s c o , CA 9 4 1 4 1 ; (4 1 5 ) 2 8 2 -0 1 1 0 (24 hour te le p h o n e n um ber).

S u b s c r ip tio n s a r e $25 p e r q u a r t e r ($8 f o r p e rso n s w ith AIDS o r ARC).

To p r o t e c t s u b s c r i b e r s ' p r i v a c y , AIDS T reatm en t News i s m ailed f i r s t c l a s s w ith o u t m en tio n in g AIDS on th e en­ v e lo p e , and th e s u b s c r i b e r l i s t i s k e p t c o n f i d e n t i a l .

O u tsid e N orth A m erica, add $5 f o r a i r m a i l p o s t a g e .]

"We have combined this information from many sources, and have NOT TESTER the version written here. We publish this information as a starting point for professional development, NOT as a guaranteed method ready for use.

AIDS VS SDI WHAT ARE OUR PRIORITIES by

DREW HOPKINS

resident Reagan has "declared war on AIDS." nn ”ay 31, addressing the 6008 scientists and physicians gathered in Wm Washington for the Third International H Conference on AIDS, Reagan announced that * AIDS is "the number one health problem in our nation today." During the conference, Dr. Robert Red field of Wal ter Peed Army Hospital went further to say that it is the number one national problem period.

The entire nation and every health expert is agreed that every resource available must be given to AIDS research and education. Yet, the Reagan 1988 budget proposes only <500 million for research and education.

Although the research allocation--$344 mil 1 ion— is equal to the total spent up to this point, it is far less than is spent regularly on research on other diseases (cancer research, justifiably, received 1.4 billion in federal funding in 1986), and is only enough to fund 30 to 35 percent of the research pro­ posals approved by the rigorous review process at the National Institutes of Health, and the education allo­ cation is criminally low (only *150,000 was earmarked ror prevention education on college campuses, an average of tf^0 for each). Tt seems Reagan felt that "declaring war" on the disease would be deterent enough--that AIDS and HIV, the virus which causes 11., would crawl away in fear.

mandatory testing in every area where the grip held by the federal government on an Individual's life was complete--in federal prisons, where recognized HIV carriers will risk violence at the hands of Inmates; amonq federal employees, where discrimination will set a dangerous precedent for state governments; and for aliens requesting visas and citizenship, a ridiculous and dangerous move in terms o f our position in the rest o f the world, since we are perceived, with due cause, to he rar more o' an exporter than an importer of AIOS. What the administration plans to do a'ter that is unknown, but this is any indication we can be sure that it wi1! not be anything the medical com­ munity proposes.

We can perhaps qlean some insight into Reagan's real priorities by looking at some o f the other budget proposal he submitted to Congress on January 5. Ac­ cording to NIH budget analyst rarlene Taylor, who has held that position since the beginning of the AIDS crisis, AIDS funding levels in the Reagan budget will mean that 65 to 70 percent of the AIDS research pro­ posals approved by the National Institutes of Health, which disburses all federal medical grants, will go unfunded. But some S8 billion will go to research and development of SDT--Strategic Defense Initiative, or Star Wars, which very few scientific experts support as a realistic program. Many of the nation's leading scientists have come out strongly to denounce the program as folly, despite threats that they will never receive federal grant money if they speak out against

The only action Reagan took in this war was that which every health expert vigorously opposed--to institute 86

ft, and even Janies Abrahamson, the director of SDI, recognizes that a perfect missile shield is impos­ sible. According to experts, even with a effec­ tive shield (which is highly unlikely), some 5PQ Soviet missiles would still get through at present levels, more than enough to destroy the country.

(B.B.B. CONTINUED FROM PAGE 21 ) BIBLIOGRAPHY Am erican C o r r e c t i o n a l A s s o c i a t i o n , M arch, 1986 The J o u r n a l o f AID A t l a n t a , F e b ru a ry 1987

Overcoming a space-based defensive system is far eas­ ier than developing one and can be achieved effective­ ly with current levels of technology. SDI could be overwhelmed by adding more missiles and warheads to Soviet arsenals; it could be confused by decoy war­ heads and electronic radar-screen devices, causing the defense system to detect thousands of missiles where there is only one -(a device requiring a level of tech­ nology equivalent to that of a digital watch); it could be rendered completely obsolete by developing more cruise missiles (which can fly as low as one hundred feet off the ground, well below the range of any space-based system); or it could be destroyed by cheap, simple space mines.

N a tio n a l I n s t i t u t e o f J u s t i c e , AIDS in C o rr e c ­ tio n a l F a c i l i t i e s : Is s u e s and O ption s The N a tio n a l P ris o n P r o j e c t J o u r n a l , # 7, S p rin g , 1986 The W ashington P o s t , J u l y 2 5 , 1987

Tim Goodwin deserves h1s freedom. He has a parole plan established that Involves h1s returning home to Hutchinson, Kansas and living with h1s wife, Marge Goodwin. For more Information about Tim’s case or for a sample letter to send to officials, contact the T1m Goodwin support group at the address or number below.

T1m Goodwin can be reached at the second address.

The threat of a Soviet nuclear attack is extremely un­ likely, whatever Reagan and his staff would like to believe, yet commitment to Star Wars research is far greater in magnitude than research for a cure for AIDS, which is already killing tens of thousands of Americans, even though SDI's failure is certain.

With an estimated 1.5 to 0 million Americans infected with Human Immunodeficiency virus and some epi­ demiological studies (e.g. Dr. Pedfield's at Walter need Hospital 1 indicating that upwards of seventy-five to ninety percent of those will eventually develop full-blown AIDS, and some i ,0D0 Americans gettinn the virus daily (according to studies at this same hos­ pital 1, the potent.ia1 of AIDS to kill millions is real and immediate. Although AIDS is our nation's "number one health problem," six major corporations had re­ ceived by i°86 more in SDI-research and development contracts than the total funding of AIDS research.

(POE-Lawrence Livermore--S7?5 million, General Motors --<57^7 mill ion, Lockhead--SS2! million, TRW--A354 million, McDonnell Douglas--$350 million, and Hoeing — *346 mill ion.)

T1m Goodwin Legal Support Group P.0. Box 1313 Lawrence, KS 66044 (013) 841-5531 (ask for Boog) Tim Goodwin 436147 KSP P.0. Box ?

Lansing, KS 66043

It is very simple. AIDS is our number one problem and we must respond to the crisis accordingly. And SDI is worthless and should be abandoned as the waste of resources that it is. Our leaders must respond to the crises which face us. If they cannot abandon delu­ sional projects of little or no worth to focus on very real threats to our civilization in a responsible way, then they have no business being in office and should be removed. We must take control of our direction as a nation. It is up to us to see that those whom we have given power respect our will and priorities. If we do not, we will be forced to face the bitter and deadly fruit of our apathy and inaction.

GAY SPIRIT: MYTH AND MEANING edited by Mark Thompson St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Ave. New York, NY 10010 307 pp., $18.95 (clothbound)

k \V i\v) /V)\ A

Reviewed by Charles Simpson Gav Spirit: Myth and Meanlmj 1s a very good, very welcome col 1ectfon ’of writings on gay male spiritual­ ity.

tyh is a r t i c l e by Drew H opkins, who i s a C h ap ter C oor­ d in a to r o f th e N u rse s' A l li a n c e f o r th e P re v e n tio n o f N u clear War and a C r i s i s I n t e r v e n t i o n Worker f o r Gay Men's H e a lth C r i s i s , i n c o r p o r a t e s some p r e v io u s l y un­ p u b lish ed numbers c i t e d in an i n te r v ie w he h eld w ith E a rle n e T a y l o r , th e woman who has been th e budget a n a ly s t f o r th e N a tio n a l I n s t i t u t e s o f H ealth s i n c e the b eg in n in g o f th e AIDS c r i s i s . ]

I would say basically our souls are gay, our vision 1s gay, and we move in the world in very different ways than straight men.

This 1s what I talked about earlier when I said none of us had come out yet. What we're carrying Inside of us is so profound that most of us haven't even begun to 87

scratch the surface of what that's about.

One of the real delights of this book is a new (1983) essay by Harry Hay— "A Separate People Whose Time Has Come"--fresh, vibrant, articulate. He asks, "Who are we gay people?" and offers his vision that we are (or can become)

[Don Kilhefner in an interview, p. 246]

"nur souls are gay . . . " How strange such a state­ ment sounds in the scientific, capitalist United States of the late ?Dth century.

. . . mediators between the seen and the un­ seen , as berdache priests and shaman seer?7 as artists and architects; as scientists, teachers, and as designers of the possible— mediators between the make-believe and the real, through theater and music and dance and poetry; mediators between the spirit and the flesh, as teachers and healers and counselors and therapists, [p . 284]

Me now stand at the metaphorical fork In the road. T refer to one path as gay assimilatlon. Tt 1s based on the positive Myth of the Homosexual, a largely unexamined, under­ lying assumption that "we're no different crom anybody else except for what we do in bed." Other ,than our choice of sex part­ ners, we're just like heterosexuals.

For the gay assimilationlsts, civil rights and acceptance by heterosexuals are pana­ ceas. . . .

I think it is true to say that Harry Hay's vision, his idea of "subject-subject consciousness," has large transformative potential in everyday life. He tells us gay men possess and can create a way of relating that is not limited by inherited heterosexual struc­ tures, that does not objectify other persons or beings but recognizes them as equals, "subject to subject"-a way of relating that strives to commune rather than conquer or possess. I leave the details to the dis­ covery of the reader. Whether you agree with him or not, his writings are well worth attending to.

At the metaphorical fork 1n the road where we now find ourselves, an alternative pos­ sibility 1s available to us as gay men. I refer to 1t as the path of gay enspiritmejnt. . . .

This other possibility says that there is a reality to being gay that 1s radically different from being straight fnote: difyerent, not better or worse). This gay riiTTty is Inside of us, and it is substan­ tial and meaningful. Tt is real. Me can feel it 1n our hearts and 1n our guts.

3o--this reviewer is drawn to the work of Harry Hay, but others will have other favorites. A friend of mine thinks the interview with poet James Broughton is the best piece in the book: Most gay activists are concerned with what society will do *or them. They want ac­ ceptance, they want to be absorbed into the heterosexual mainstream. T think this is ass-backwards. "e should be consider­ ing what we can do for them, how we could free them from their misery and wronghead­ edness. Who really wants to accept being accepted by straight society? Look what the heterosexual ethic has done to the earth with its shameless greed and its pas­ sion for war. Me could show them how to love one another, we could teach them to trust comradeship, we could teach them the value of hilarity. Man is by nature a lov­ ing animal, but his nature has been pervert­ ed by bigoted, belligerent exploiters. It is essential that gay politics keep busy eroding homophobia, but the most exciting task that remains is how we can persuade the homophobes what a great gay life all men Could be romping in, [Jam es B ro u g h to n , p. 205]

(Don K i lh o f n e r , n n. 1 2 5 -1 2 6 1

Th 1s is the context o f Gajy Spirit, the question of gay dlfference. Is 1t r'eal^ If so, what ts It? Ts it a given, something we are born with, or do we cre­ ate it consciously? H1ven the chance, what do we want to create9 In exploring these questions, one concern of this book is tradition. Malt. Hhitman, rdward Carpenter, Herald HearrT7 Harry Hay, are all represented here, "blessing, creating, handing down" discoveries, thoughts, poems, through the generations.

Doubtless I could not have perceived the universe, or written one of my poems, if I had not freely given myself to com­ rades, to love.

[Walt Whitman, quoted on p. 145]

’his tradition is brouqhf into the present with an es­ say detailing the growth of the Dadical Faerie move­ ment.-- "This Hay Tribe: A nrief History o f Fairies"-and Hark Thompson's more personal meditations on "The rvolution of a Hairier ^'otes Toward a vew Definition O f Hay/1

Gay Spirit is not solely a "adical raerie book. Other contents include Geoff Mains on leather sexuality; Mark "hompson on radical drag and theater; Malcolm Boyd on the difficulty of being a gay Christian priest; an interview with French philosopher Michel roucau! t on "Hex and the Dol1t.ics of Identity"; crosscultural perspectives from "ill Coscoe and Tobias fchneebaurn; etc. Malcolm Doyd's essay was very 11’uminating to this non-church-ooer, and will probably be illuminating to many gay Christians as well. I found "Children of Daradise"--the essay on radical drag--fa$cinating. The book does have its less ex­ citing moments, but all in all it is very good and it seems unimportant to detail its weak spots.

Mhat is a faerie? "hat happens at a gathering?"--'',s anvone who has tried to answer these questions knows, Radical Faeriedom is hard to describe, ""e hug a lot and dress in silly costumes, sometimes we sing songs to the Goddess, we meet in circles and . . . " How does one explain9 So there are some omissions in these essays, on both factual and spiritual levels, but I hasten to add that, this is not a criticism o f the book, but rather a measure of the richness of what we are creating.

88

One cautionary note: there is a danger of elitism in some of this gay thought. Don Kilhefner in "Gay People at a Critical Crossroads" specifically opposes an elitist stance: " . . . a reality to being gay that is radically different from being straight (note: di fferent, not better or worse)." But it seems possible that the us-versus-them model (with the corollary "we are better") could become fixed in the minds of some faerie-men.

Passing all partial loves, this one complete--the Mother love and sex emotion blended -I see thee where for centuries thou hast walked, Lonely, the world of men Saving, redeeming, drawing all to thee, Vet outcast, slandered, pointed of the mob, Misjudged and crucified.

But my view was that minority associations and identifications were an evil wherever they supersede allegiance to and share in the creation of a human community good--the recognition "of fellow manhood.

Dear Son of heaven--long suffering wan­ derer through the wilderness of civilisation -The day draws nigh when from these mists of ages Thy form in glory clad shall reappear.

[Gay n o e t R o b ert Duncan, q uoted in "R o b e rt Duncan and th e Gay Community" by B ruce Boone, Tronwood 2 2 , 1 9 8 3 , n . 72]

[From Towards D em ocracy, r e i s s u e d in 1985 by GMP P u b lis h e r s L td . o f London, pp, 3 3 1 -3 3 2 ]

nennis Altman in his essay "What Price Gay National­ ism’" included in Gay Spirit, writes that "Gay libera­ tion implies both that we recognize the importance of our sexualitv--and that we transcend sexuality as a category used to divide people" (p. IP.). Let us not set up a "gay spirituality" versus "straight spirit­ uality" as just another way to divide people.

Beside this poem, I would like to place these celebra­ tory lines, included 1n Gay Spirit, from Harry Hay: A separate people whose time Is at hand.

Out of the mists of our long oppression, We bring love for ourselves and for each other, and love for the gifts we bear, So heavy and so painful the fashioning of them, So long the road given us to travel to bring them.

rrom the Radical Faeries back through the millenia . . . sometimes noted so casually . . .

Temple prostitution was a widespread phe­ nomenon in the ancient world, and prosti­ tutes and sexual inverts of various sorts -ire frequently associated "with the "Great" Goddess . [Em phasis added]

A separate people, V/e bring the gift of our subject-subject consciousness to everyone, That all together we may heal the planet!

Share the magic of it! [pp. 290- 2 9 1 ]

[From th e n o te s to th e G ardner and M aier e d i t i o n o f G ilgam esh fV in taae Books, 3 9 8 5 , p . 7 6 ) , a S u m e ria n /B ab y lo n ian noem more than 30 0 0 y e a r s o l d . " I n v e r t " i s an o l d e r , c l i n i c a l term f o r "h o m o s e x u a l." !

May we continue to gather, and mry we continue to

n,Jr tradition is ancient, and vet hidden and fragmented. ue have barely begun to reclaim or re-create it, but we have begun.

In Edward Carpenter published a poem or prophecy, n Child of Uranus," in which he envisions the Uranian emerging from "these mists of ages" /’"Uranian" walPthe 1ate 1ath century equivalent of "gay"--i.e. a nonderogatory name chosen by homosexual men for them­ selves). His vision is worth recalling now:

6AV BEING, DIVINE PRESENCE: Essays in Gay Spirrtu¥TTt.y (Tne Gayne m e c ^ T ^ e rlf)

by J. Michael Clark Publishers Associates, P.O.Box 160361, Las Calinas, TX 75016 85 pp., $7.95 (paperback)

n child of Uranus, wanderer down all times, Darkling, from farthest aqes of Farth the same Strange tender figure, full of grace and Pity, Vet outcast and misunderstood of men --

Reviewed by A1 Cotton Gay Being, Divine Presence: Essays in Gay SpirituaTlty Is a ""coTlectToh of essays by J. Michael Clark, FoTtfer of the only Ph.D. in gay studies awarded by a southern university (Emory) and a frequent contributor to RED. This book 1s an anthology of Clark's essays, which have been written over the last several years and published in places such as Ganymede, The (Atlanta Gay Center) News, and Jhe Journal of PastoraT Care and Counselling. As all anthologies, Gay Being is a HodTge podge, with topics ranging from a cTTscussion of the combination of spirituality and homosexuality 1n the figure of the berdache in Native American Indian societies, to homoeroticism as an aspect of Catholic monastlcism in the l?th century, to gay spirituality today in the face of AIDS.

With man's strength to perform, and pride to suffer without sign, And feminine sensitiveness to the last fibre of being; Strange twice-born, having entrance to both worlds -I see thee where down all of Time thou comest; Lord of the love which rules this chang­ ing world, 89

Book of Job and When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Clark discussed the limits of God's power, the idea of a Creator being by definition limited by his/her creation and need to create, and being constantly beset by evil in the form of randomly induced chaos.

AIDS is like any gamble in life--taken in hopes of creating something greater than existed previously— and its existence does not invalidate the risk taken, the love created thereby or the value of the life cut unduly short. Instead, we must look upon God as a co-sufferer with us in mourning the life lost. We must develop our response-ability, our ability to respond appropriately to tragedy and not to see ran­ dom loss as evidence of a meaningless existence. The essay ends with a discussion of how to present these concepts to pastoral caregivers dealing with PWAs.

A theme does emerge from reading Clark's essays, though. With the esception of the weak first essay on mythic archetypes in the gay community, each of the next three essays deals with our ability and need to combine or perhaps more accurately, rejoin our spiritual and sexual natures. "Shared Sexism and Spirituality" is a discussion of the theology of feminist religious thinkers such as Mary Daly, Sheila Collins and Rosemary Radford Ruether. Clark points out the commonality of these feminist, 1iberationist concerns and those of their gay counterparts. The patriarchal church fathers, who were responsible for the desexualization of Mary and Jesus and the re­ pression and insecurity around sexual matters that naturally resulted, have a vested interest in main­ taining the patriarchy, which both gays and feminists threaten. The basic need of a liberation theology, then, is to recognize this commonality of interest-t.o understand that the liberation of one group cannot occur during the oppression of another. Clark notes that the "combined forces of separating sexuality from love and self hood, labeling it evil and using it to dehumanize . . . persons underlies the conflict which sexuality still causes" today. Clark documents here and in his essay on St. Aelred (a father of the Catholic Church who argued for the importance of close friendship and love and who expressed that love in close monastic friendships) the efforts of the patriarchs to revise the historical record to hide the existence of an ongoing debate on these issues.

To Aelred, human love is seen as the path to divine love, with the ultimate goal the integration of sexuality and spirituality in friendship, the closest approximation here on earth of the love of God. Un­ fortunately, other church fathers did not see this to be accurate. Such a theological understanding of love today would have forestalled many of the re­ pressions currently haunting society.

When I read a collection of essays, what I see are snapshots of a writer's mind; what is important and consistent throughout his work becomes apparent in a good anthology. Gay Being shows Clark's thought as an effort to creatively envision the spiritual gay male in our society--how to heal the division between our spiritual and our sexual selves, how to respond to society's treatment of us as spiritual beings by looking at how we as gay persons have tried to spirit­ ualize ourselves in past eras. If you are unfamiliar with what Clark calls the gay-spirit quest, this book would be the perfect place to begin to acquaint your­ self with one person's search.

HEALING AIDS NATURALLY

by Laurence Badgley, M.D. Human Energy Press, 370 W. San Bruno Ave., Suite D, San Bruno, CA 94010 411 pp., $14.95 (paperback), $2.00 shipping

The best (I think) of Clark's essays is one that longtime RFD readers will be familiar with--"Sacred, Native Homosexuality" first appeared in RED #40.

Here Clark notes that in many primitive North Ameri­ can Indian societies, worship services and celebra­ tions had at their center a berdache, a female-acting and dressing male member of the tribe recognized to be a spiritual leader. Indian lore describes the berdache as a "balancer of earth and sky," echoing Judy Grahn's description in Another Mother Tongue of our role as lesbians and gay men as the mirrors of society as a whole. Indian societies, Clark says, honored the "givenness of homosexuality." To me, this is a joyous essay, allowing me to imagine a transves­ tite regularly accepted as an integral element in a worship service. But this union of transvestism, homosexuality and spirituality in the worship service could not be tolerated by a patriarchal society, and Clark notes that the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs has continued the attack on this practice that was begun by the Spanish conquistadores, of bringing shame to these proceedings and trying to stamp out what is the most threatening aspect of this union, the "spiritual empowerment of homosexuality."

Reviewed by °occo natt, rhairman, Western vorth Carolina AIDS Project Healing AIDS Naturally offers hope and inspiration to tITe AIDS" cha'lTenge facing us today. Dr. Laurence Badgley's message is that by adopting healthful and nurturing practices on the emotional, physical and spiritual levels that people with AIDS (PWAs) and people with AIDS-related conditions (ARC) can regain their health. He further maintains AIDS/ARC is not necessarily the fatal disease that the medical profes­ sion claims. His book focuses on life and improving the quality of it rather than focusing on death.and its inevitability.

Badgley emphasizes good nutrition, supplements, herbs and bodywork. He explains the basics about how the immune system functions and how HIV virus incapaci­ tates it. The book is well referenced and it includes important immune-system-building instructions and recipes. °ne o f the best sections of Healina Aing Matura1ly is the accounts of eiqht long-term survivors o# Ains/Aoc and Radglev's medical evaluation of their individual programs. rach person assumed responsibil­ ity H r their own healing program and strongly be­ lieved in it. This attitude took them out of the "ain't-it-awful" victim role and into the "look-whatI-can-do-for-myself" take-charge position.

Clark also addressed the most serious crisis to our spirituality today--how to remain a spiritual being in the face of the Ains crisis. In an article presented at Ain m a n t a ' s pastoral care outreach workshop, Har k asks the question "How does AIDS affect our per­ ception of homosexuality as a 'gift'?" He expounds a theology that limits God and returns the responsibil­ ity of risk taking to the individual. Using both the

Dr. Badgley has been studying and applying the methods of natural therapy since 1972, four years after leav­ ing Tale Medical School. He is the author of the 90

textbook, Energy Medicine, and he has addressed inter­ national conferences about his approach to medicine and healing. The AMA, most of the pharmaceutical in­ dustry and many of his medical colleagues would prob­ ably be opposed to his opinion. Dr. Badgley suggests their true interest in AIDS reflects economic gains over healing concerns.

"What we are witnessing is a display of institutional egoism. The drug companies and the predominant medical schools and faculties are positioning themselves for their continued control of what portends to be a very lucrative business--the business of treating AIDS," he writes.

urban-centered environments. In the late 19th cen­ tury, Germany was the prototypical modern industrial society. Thus it is no surprise that, according to Adam, "the first social movement to advance the civil rights of gay people was founded in Germany in 1897." From the 1890s to the early 1930s Berlin even featured institutions that would seem familiar to us today: bars, baths, drag balls, even personal advertisements. Adam recounts this development ef­ ficiently and well, as well as parallel developments in other European countries and the USA. So much of that world was tragically lost, though, when the Nazis came to power in the 1930s and wiped out the entire subculture. Adam devotes an entire chapter, "The Holocaust," to this development. I would like to discuss the implications of the German experience a little later.

It has been estimated that AIDS patients require ap­ proximately ten times the drugs and medications that typical hospital patients generally need. And these new drugs are very expensive!

In this country, and to a lesser extent, abroad, the 1950s were a repressive time for gay men. Adam tells the story of our early gay organizations and their goals in the chapter "The Homophlles Start Over."

Then, roughly the second half of the book deals with the period within most readers' memory, the period from the late 1960s to the present. Adam outlines the growth of liberation Ideologies, the rise of the New Right, the growing split between gay ideology and lesbian feminism, and the threat of AIDS. The wealth of sources presented here is of Itself admirable.

Healing AIDS Naturally is highly recommended reading and a necessary addition to anyone's library who wants to strengthen their immune system.

THr RISE OF A GAY AND LESBIAN MOVEMENT

by Barry D. Adam G. K. Hall & Co., 70 Lincoln St. Boston MA 02111 203 pp., $19.95 (cloth)

I have a couple of criticisms with this book, and some observations. T found it incredible that Adam makes no mention of gay life in Japan when he is so careful to document it in other countries, particular­ ly other affluent, industrialized countries. Most young Japanese think that "gaybar" is a Japanese word; Adam would have done his readers a service to document the growth of the gay movement in a country as ad­ vanced as ours, but with a different set of religious and social expectations.

Reviewed by Allen Smalling Barry D. Adam has accomplished the nearly impossible task of documenting the antecedents, social context and history of various gay and lesbian movements around the world until the present day--in less than 700 pages. This small volume, just published as part of Twayne's Social Movement series, would be a worthy addition to any library, and the author is to be con­ gratulated for the book's scholarship, organization, and brevity.

Another criticism has to do with the amount of opinion presented in this book. As The Rise of a Gay and Lesbian Movement shifts from the past to FRe recent past, the focus necessarily shifts from his­ torical account to an examination of present social trends, and the tone of the book shifts from detached objectivity to part1san--and sometimes heated-ad­ vocacy. When Adam discusses the split between gay men and lesbian feminists, and accuses antipornography lesbians of cultural "nationalism," he is presenting a studied political opinion as an objective, scientific fact. This is simply unfair journalism. In fact, the reader will already be pretty sure of Adam's social and political views by the time he makes them explicit in the concluding chapter:

!he Rise of £ Gay and Lesbian Movement is a work of sociology as well as history: history because it recounts chronologically the story of gay and lesbian social movements, and sociology because it estab­ lishes the social (in particular, economic and Political) framework within which the various social movements take place. When discussing the antece­ dents of gay and lesbian social movements in the middle ages, for example, Adam is careful to stress that the feudal "gay" experience is not like today's because social conditions were so different: We are now accustomed to thinking of homo­ sexual relationships as alternatives to the nuclear family system as lesbians and gay men are able, much more than before, to form exclusive, long-term relationships in the midst of a supportive subculture.

But in the feudal period, same-sex mateships were more likely to come about be­ tween neighbors, friends, and household members or arise in same-sex institutions like seminaries, colleges or armies.

The problems of lesbians and gay men living in modern societies will not be simply solved through public education or goodwill --where it exists— but necessarily Involve the fundamental restructuring of some of the basic institutions of society . . .

The fading away of the idea of a common front of oppressed peoples, so enthusias­ tically endorsed by gay liberation, and the continuing tendency of movements to develop toward nationalist exclusivity have con­ tributed to the easy containment of reform movements by established authorities and thus to the reproduction of the status quo.

Adam's view, modern gay life is to be found Primarily within the context of industrialized, 91

A valid, perhaps even admirable argument, but not one that all gay men share (and certainly not all les­ bians!). While 1t is difficult, if not impossible, to treat current events dispassionately, I think the author should have opted for a more neutral tone in the last few chapters and saved all the editorializ­ ing for his final chapter.

ers could have benefited from such a dual-language version of rernuda, since rhythm and rhyme do not translate easily.)

Fven if we disagree with Cernuda's belief in the im­ possibility of fulfillment (expressed vividly in "Farewell"), we must appreciate his adeptness at ex­ pression and acknowledge his place in gay literature.

Despite these flaws, The Rise of a Gay and Lesbian Movement will prove an Immensely useful book. Even those who have already read extensively in gay history will find new material in this book. It is virtually required reading for those who have not.

GAY CANADA Stubblejumper Press, Box 1203, Station F. Toronto, Ontario, M4Y 2V8, Canada 80 pp., $10.00 (paperback)

last, and here I make advocacy of my own: The reader may draw some ominous parallels between the rise of the American New Right and the Nazis. The Nazis' support came from three primary sources: cultural conservatives, particularly the aristocracy and Catholic church; big business; and the independent, often disenfranchised small businessmen and artisans who yearned for simpler times. Support for the New Right comes from a similar tripartite coalition, according to Adam: conservative "single-issue" groups, evangelical Protestants, and big business.

V/e ignore this similarity at our own risk.

Reviewed by John C. Power Planning a trip to the Earth's second largest country?

Don't forget to take along your Gay Canada '87 ('88 soon to be published!). The first section covers all you need to know about travel in Canada including Customs and Immigration regulations. The address of each provincial tourism department is listed also.

A list of both national and provincial gay publica­ tions can be found early on as well as a safesex guide and an events calendar for the year from Novem­ ber to December of the next year.

The rest of the guide is divided into sections by province. Under each section is given information on bars, restaurants, community services, reliqious groups and everything else a well organized traveler needs.

the, y o u n g s a ilor a n d o t h e r p o e m s

T>y Luis Cernuda Gay Sunshine Press, P.0. Box 40397, San Fransisco, CA 94140 127 pp., $7.95 (paperback)

Two interesting points: the section on mostly in French with an explanation in to read directions in French; the other Yukon and the Northwest Territories the are for women.

Reviewed by Mike Shearer Rick Lipinski 1s to be commended por translating and compiling the gay poems of this acclaimed Spanish poet. Cernuda was born in Sevilla in 190? and died in ir,6D, cominq out (at least as far as that was possible then) in the ’^O's, and in his poetry we see much of what "coming out" meant in his era and his country.

Ouebec is English on how is that in the only listings

A very useful resource book if you are going visiting our great Northern Neighbor. Don't leave home without it!

"hat it meant, in part, was an acceptance of yearning and desire, more than fulfillment, as one will readily see in these poems, in which the poet is more of a distant appreciator than lover. Indeed, the deep ache of unrequited love permeates these poems.

LOVE WITH A FEW HAIRS 198 pp., $6.95 (paperback)

ror instance, in "In the Middle of the Crowd," the poet glimpses a boy with "eyes as blond as his hair" and walks pathetically through the streets in a fog:

THE LEMON 181 pp., $6.95 (paperback)

by Mohammed Mrabet City Lights Books, 261 Columbus Avenue, San Fransisco, CA 94113

Life weighed upon me like regret; I wanted to tear it from me. But it was impossible, be­ cause I was dead and walked among the dead.

Reviewed by Thomas Hopkinson

Again and again, the yearning is Intense hut always frustrated, for to the Spanish poet, "desire is a question whose answer no one knows."

Mohammed Mrabet is a simple writer, so much so that, at times, his writing may seem infantile, with slow developing plots. He allows the actions of his characters to carry the story, never relying on the characters' thoughts to muddle his plain storytelling.

What is attractive to the western reader about Mrabet's work is the curious essence and feel of Arab city life, its daily customs, supernatural beliefs, and ancient traditions. This curiosity endeared me to one of two recent reissues of Mrabet's works.

Readers should not let Richard White's sexy cover drawing lead them to expect titillation, but the poems do provide some beautiful images. There is none of the nastiness here one might find in, say, the poems of Rimbaud or Verlaine. (Their poems, incidentally, are offered in Gay Sunshine's A Lover 's Cock in both their native French and EnglisTi translation, and read­ 92

of civilians, in an airplane on the tarmac of a minor European duchy. Alex Kane, an ex-Marine and the gay equivalent of Batman--plus a cute Robin (but minus all that fun high-tech equipment)--is standing by, along with a convoy of media people. They are standing by, waiting to see the outcome of the situation, which is complicated by the fact that the captors are notorious fag-haters. There's also a blackman/whiteman involve­ ment in the story to spice matters up, not to mention the son of one of the president's cabinet members.

Love With a Few Hairs tells the story of 18-year-old Mohammed and his infatuation with the neighbor's beautiful daughter. He succeeds in seducing the girl with the aid of magic and is forced into marriage by her family. We learn that Mohammed makes his income as a companion to foreign gentlemen, particularly David, an Englishman who owns a bar catering to tour­ ists. David provides financial support for his thoroughly confused adolescent lover. The title makes reference to an old Arabic saying: "May you love with a few hairs," meaning problems--a wish given to Mohammed on his wedding day, and his life is not trouble-free until he is back with David. The older man's even temperament and devotion win out in the end.

This is the fifth in a series o^ rugged adventures starring John Preston's intrepid muscleman Alex Kane.

Though it's only the first of them that I've read, I feel almost certain that the others are equally pleas­ urable page-turners. Despite some awkwardly naive and sloppy exposition, the tale is lean and sexy and is an unpretentious, trashy one-hour division. There's even a cliff-hanger ending.

I enjoyed reading about Mohammed's dilemma far more than that of 12-year-old Abdeslam, the protagonist in The Lemon. The story concerns the street education of a middle-class runaway, who has had an unclear con­ flict with his father. He moves into the home of an openly gay stevedore. There his initiation into the seedier side of life includes being seduced by a prostitute and smoking the drug kif. The longshore­ man's threats to introduce him into a wider range of sexual pleasures motivate the boy to defend himself.

The lemon of the title refers to the gruesome weapon Abdeslam concocts by the end of the book. Unlike the previous novel, we are not given a postscript, leaving the conflict and consequences of Abdeslam's action un­ resolved. Mrabet's writing style distances us from any sympathy for the boy and the unlikeable longshore­ man. We question Abdeslam's overreaction to his dilemma. All he had to do was to take the advice of friends and move out of the longshoreman's home. Be­ cause we are not given a tender side to the character we can only surmise that he is as cold and vindictive as he seems.

THE LITTLE DEATH

BY Hichael Nava Alyson Publications, 40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118 168 pp., $6.95 (paperback) peviewed by Richard Oloizia The Little Heath is author Michael Nava's first work.

Young gay criminal lawyer Henry Rios, employed as a public defender in the San Francisco Bay Area, meets Hugh Paris when Paris is jailed on charges of being under the influence of PCP, possession of PCP, re­ sisting arrest, and battery on an officer. Paris, gay son of a wealthy, established, venerable family that has endowed Linden University (a thinly dis­ guised Stanford) alleges that he has been drugged and that someone is attempting to murder him. When Rios is successful in having Paris released from jail, the two men become lovers, and when Paris is found mur­ dered, dead from an overdose of drugs in a creek near Linden University, Henry Rios in his grief attempts to find the killer of his slain lover.

Love with a Few Hairs is described as Mrabet's debut work. Born in the Rif mountains, he is Morocco's best-known storyteller, due to the efforts of com­ poser, writer and translator Paul Bowles. Since 1965 their collaboration has resulted in the translation of numerous legends and Arab stories into English.

Henry Miller wrote: "Mrabet sees what it means to work simply and tellingly. His writing is quite unique . . . He has found the secret of communicating on all levels."

What Rios does find is a dark, tangled Linden family saga, as several family members struggle for control of the family fortune. The reader learns the family's history of bitter rivalries as Rios, with his clever lawyer's methods and connections, tracks the murder­ er's clues with the aid of a fellow lawyer, a police­ woman, a former law school professor, and the victim's mother. Rios has pitted himself against one of the powerful and best-known families in the San Francisco Bay Area.

for the gay reader it is an insight into another culture, one that is accepting of homosexuality, yet is distrustful of Western influence. This is fas­ cinating reading for anyone interested in the global range of gay attitudes.

Well-written, skillfully paced, and attention-holding, The Little Death is an engaging, entertaining read.

The Linden famiTTy history is sometimes too detailed, although a family tree does appear opposite the title page as an aid to the reader, and the ending, al­ though suspenseful, is something of an anti-climax.

Nonetheless, these are small drawbacks, and The Little Death will stand well beside Joseph Hansen's Dave Brandstetter mysteries or John Preston's Alex Kane books in the genre of gay who-done-its.

SECRET DANGERS

by John Preston Alyson Publications, 40 Plympton St., Boston, MA 02118 116 pp., $4.95 (paperback) Reviewed by Aaron Cohen ^he setup: A group of gay hunks from North Dakota are being held hostage, along with an even larger number 93

ANYWHERE, ANYWHERE

by Tim Barrus Knights Press, P.O. Box 454, Pound Ridge, NY 10576 239 pp., $7.95 (paperback)

CHILDREN IN A BURNING HOUSE

by Douglas Soesbe Knights Press, P.O. Box 454, Pound Ridge, NY 10576 221 pp., $7.95 (paperback)

Reviewed by B1g Stone

Reviewed by Tom Horner

I remember the day this book arrived for review; since it dealt with Vietnam, I began approaching my veteran friends about reviewing it for RFD. After the third one rejected my proposal, with words strangely similar to the first two ("I don't want to deal with that. I'have my own shit to deal with from Vietnam"), I got interested and read the book myself.

This is a much better-than-average mystery about Hollywood because 1t is not only about the world of the big stars but that of ordinary people as well.

The two main characters are Norris Manning, a screen writer, and Christopher Danner, a hustler and aspir足 ing actor. Both are from small town backgrounds, and their mutual attraction, almost a love-hate relation足 ship, is fascinating although quite strange. Readers are on edge throughout the book as to if and when it will be consummated, ""his is the crux o f the story, but there is much more.

My memories of that time are hazy, mostly of seeing film clips on the 6:00 news. T graduated from high school in 1975, so I never had to think about beinq drafted. At the time, I thought it was a shame that the U.S. had lost a war for the first time. Now, older and fl hope) wiser, T see it was the wheel of history at work, turning the U.S, from a Great power Into a declining nation. No nation in history has ever resisted decline when 1t inevitably came, however much they tried.

When the wheel turns, people are crushed beneath the weight of history. Vietnam taught the U.S. that there are limits to its power, but the cost of that lesson was horrendous. You can see the price we paid in human lives, carved into black stone at Washington.

(Incredibly, our leaders sit, almost within sight of the Vietnam Memorial, and make plans for future wars based upon a superiority that no longer exists!)

Anywhere, Anywhere is about some of those soldiers w~Fo came~bacT maimed in body and spirit.

There is the typical ft suppose! character, Jerret, a Hollywood producer who sleeps with young hustlers, some of whom aspire to be actors. Christopher Danner is one such hustler. This is what makes him more in足 teresting than Kip, a much nicer guy who is also a hustler but one who at the moment has no greater am足 bitions. There is the pair of gay lovers, Richard and Andre, who are constantly f1ghting--1n one scene one of them quite dramatically overturns a dinner tab!e--although actually they are inseparable. It's a look at a gay couple that is never boring but I'm not sure it's typical. You can't be too typical or you don't have a novel: fiction, especially mystery fiction, must emphasize the unusual and even the bizarre.

Continuing in this vein, we have tv/o bizarre women who round out the cast. There is Anna Lang, an aging queen of the silver screen, and Diana somebody, who is mostly famous for wearina attention-getting clothes and sleeping with beautiful young men. Both of these women are those with whom gay men will empathize.

Tim Barrus says at one point that although his book was written for the general public, it was not until recently that attitudes changed enough to allow its publication. I don't think the author's gayness or references to gay lifestyles had anything to do with that judgement. Those parts of the book pale before the niqhtmarish visions of Vietnam he gives us. He shows us a hell all the more terrifying because the characters in the book are real people, having their spirits, minds, and sometimes, their bodies shredded V a sentient, mad thinn, THE WAR.

^he title oe the book, Children in a burning House, is a complete mystery until readers reach the end when it is a1"1 too clear. Vou can almost wish that it would not be so clear. The book starts with a murder, that of the beautiful rhristopher banner, who is dead on the bathroom floor of Norris Channing's beach house. rrom there the mystery unravel s--mainly the mystery of Christopher Danner. vou know who the murderer is. You simply have to know why. The denouement is well done.

Not for the faint-hearted, this book slams the reader with images that might be sickening to Middle America, but are part and parcel of Vietnam. Officers laughing at bombed orphanages, necklaces of rotten human ears, mutilation of corpses out of anger, or frustration, or for fun, friends cut down by snipers, children playing without limbs. The scene described on pages 62-64 has to be one of the most horrifying things I have ever read. But it happened, it was real.

he author, Donald Soesbe, is a Hollywood story analyst, and so he knows what he is writing about or at least certainly seems to. You can't prove any of it by me. It's interesting sometime to read about how others live in the fast lane, but I came away from Children in a Burning House glad that I live in North Carolina.

Then, when the survivors returned home, a whole new host of obscenities awaited them: impersonal VA hospitals, veterans of WWII who thought them scum for complaining or pussies for having problems, families who didn't want to talk about it. This is one hell of a book and one America needs to read now as the U.S. trembles on the edge of war with Iran over the Persian Gulf and continues to stir up trouble in Central America. The horrors of Vietnam can indeed be reproduced "Anywhere, Anywhere" and will if we don't stop our government's insanities.

[Tom Horner, the author of Jonathan Loved David (Westminster, 1987) now lives in New Bern where he writes and operates Discount Books, a mail order book service.]

94

i t e d . I t could be the. b a t thing you even did—and th e g re a t e s t fa'i both of us. So dnop me a t i n e . 20 min. fnow Manhattan, V IZ show you anound. Live aZ.one. Satfeiex.

A caning, good-looking man to love you. I cane i f you do, too. Get in touch. Serious r e p lie s only.

Well endowed. A ll answered.

Joseph M. Colt 25 Plaza S t r e e t 8rooklyn, NV 11217 Vear Brothers

RFD prints contact letters free of charge. We also provide a free forwarding ser­ vice for readers who prefer to not publish their address. Donations, however, are greatly appreciated. We ask that your letters be brief (under 200 words) and positive in stating your preferences. Saying 'no' to a parti­ cular trait or characteristic may unnecessarily offend.a brother.

RFD can assume no responsibility for claims made in the letters, and we- urge correspondents to exercise caution especially with any financial dealings. For responses from prisoners, we advise contacting Joint Ven­ ture, P0 Box 26-8484, Chicago, IL 60626, before replying. mm

CONTACT Even heand of Potten County? Gay couple, 29 6 35, om mu t i c camp in Northern Pennsylvania. Would li k e to meet othen gay men in anea. En­ joy hiking, fle a markets, ga^rdening, cookouts and good conversation. We one both Pagans and make tnips to the tooods as often as p o ssib le to nechange in a tranquil en v in o m en t.

s a r ily Mr. America) who is i n t e r e s t ­ ed in en terin g a re la tio n s h ip of th re e . B eliev e u s, i t can be done!

Write to o4 and we’ l l explore the idea fu rth e r.

Joe 6 Dave 251 West Central S t. *189 Natick, MA 01760

Good-looking man seeks roommate fan li.fa . Heavy s e t . Ma tu re , hairy on l i t t l e h a ir. 4 0 ’ s to la te 6 0 ’ s on 70’ s . To share oar U f a to g eth er— maybe r e t i r e to g eth er and move south and enjoy a wonderful U fa to g e th e r.

C lergy very ioelcome. I'm a RC and church g o er. We could share 5 0/50-and lo v e, too, lo ts of i t . About me: I'm 58, 5 ’ 8", 160. Park bnom cu rly h a ir. Blue ey es. Clean shaven. Honest. S in c e r e . Very ca rin g . Not a smoker, but don’ t mind i f you smoke. Light d rin k e r, and a g re a t cook. 1 love botany, the country, long walks, country music, tra v e l, boating. I'm looking fan a one-to-one fan l i f e .

If, you’ r e looking fan a l i f a mate, you found him. Requirements one lim-

Vean Friends, We one searching fan someone to jo in us in oun rela tio n sh ip of seven ueams. Pick is a 5 '9 " , 47 yean old dairy farmer with blond hair and bnom eyes [165 lb s ) . Hanold is a 5 ’ 8", 38 yean old faneign laixguage teacher with dank hain and blue eyes [185 lb s and constantly on a d i e t !). We toould like, to meet some­ one oun ages on younger who is hairy and has average to la rg e endowment, id ea lly , but much more important is an easy-going, n ice guy [not neces­

Harold and Rick P .0. Box 643 C astleton, VT 05735

95

We a re Knossos, a gay men's coven which uses a n cien t Cretan arche­ types as i t s o rien ta tio n to the c r a f t . We are c u rre n tly i n t e r ­ viewing pro sp ectiv e men to train fan in it ia t io n in the NVC area.

Eon inform ation send SASl. B lessed Be! Minoean Brotherhood Box 128 496 Hudson S t.

Newt Vonk, NV 10017 Pear B rothers, This d is illu s io n e d New Vonkon is w riting to you in hopes of finding some new frien d s or perhaps even a companion. I'm 25, 6 '1 " , blonde and keep myself in very good shape.

I enjoy working out, music [a ll ty p es), a rt , film , photography, being outdoors, being with people and most of a l l , tr a v e llin g .

In ju s t a few short years, I ’ ve grown t e r r ib ly t ir e d of this c it y and I know that there has to be a b e tte r p la ce to li v e .

I have a g re a t love far the outdoors and ru ra l environments and I can be found almost every weekend on the beach. In addition to su n sets, I'm also in to in t e lle c t u a l stim ulation.

D espite the fa c t that I liv e in New Vonk, I co n sid er myself an extrem ely "down-to-earth" person and re la te b est to those who are sim ila rly "down-to-earth."

I hope to someday [soon?) share my l i f e and tra v els with someone special.. My heart and mind are open to a l l .

In a d d itio n , I ’m very comfortable with my gay l i f e s t y l e and wish to meet those who are as w ell. Those who respond w ill not be disappointed. Will a p p recia te a photo i f p o s s ib le .

Best regards and lo v e to a l l .

Greg K. o f NVC d o REP

In

search of

s p i r i t u a l b a l a n c e i n mu l i f e .

T am c h e m i c a l l u f r e e and a n o n -sm o k er.

frien d

Good, g e n t l e , man s e e k s same to l i v e a no n th c o u n t r y l i f e .

H ealth o r i e n t e d , i v o r k o u t s , r a i d i n g game b i n d s , f i n e sim p le t h i n g s in l i f e , 39, 6 ' 1 " , 17 5 , b l o n d e , n o n - t o x i c .

L i v e d i n Fun o p e , H a u n t i , A l a s k a , l l . 5.

C o u nselin g background, p r e s ­ ets t i n a t t e n d i n g g r a d s c h o o l w i t h h o p e s o f teaching J u n i o r C o l l e g e o r en te rin g cou n selin g f ie l d .

Ju st a man < it h a n o r m a l , h e a l t h s a f f c c t i o n a l p r e f e r e n c e t o r a n o t h e r man.

I n t e r e s t e d in c o r r e s p o n d i n g w i t h o th e r s i n the d a ir y go a t in d u s t ry .

7 w o u l d a l s o v e r y much l i k e to m e e t a s o u l m a t e to s h a r e my l o v e a n d life.

P lease

send a l e t t e r and a p i c t u r e .

S kyhaiok / R ainw oo ds P .O .B . 203 F o r k U n i o n , i/A 2 3 0 5 5

Peace J e r r y o f M art/land c / o RFD

R.F.

D e a r RFD R e a d e r s :

vo x n i l

AIbanti, W Gear

R e p l u (an SASE w o u l d b e a p p r e c i a t e d in itia lly ) :

12224

To RFD R e a d e r s - -

CSV R e a d e r s ,

7 am c u r x e n t i n l i v i n g In a s u b u r b o f P h i l a d e l p h i a b u t f e e l a n e e d to c h a n g e mij l i f e s t i f l e .

1 have ■troun d i s i l l u s t o n e d w i t h t h e c i t y and S u b u rb ia .

I am 26 nears old, 5 ’ 9" t a l l , 165 lbs.

7 en jo y a r t , m usic, l i t e r a ­ t u r e , l i f t i n g w e i g h t s , some s p o r t s , t r a v e l i n g , c o o k i n g , new e x p e r i e n c e s , etc.

Who 1 am l o o k i n g f o r i s a r o u n d my a g e , r e s p o n s i b l e , m ature in a t t i ­ tude fn e t u c u n a in m in d and S p irit}, a n d ‘i l l i n g to make c o m m i t m e n t s .

I ' d l i k e to m e e t s o m e o ne who i s tun n e t s e t f - d i . s c i p l i n e d e n o u g h to take h i s dream s ( and m in e] s e r i o u s l a , w h e t h e r i t be t r a v e l i n g t o a f a r aunti p l a c e o r b u i l d i n g a home and a b u s i n e s s t o g e t h e r .

He n e e d n o t be ju s t l i k e me b u t be w i l t i n g to a c c e p t anil work with. me.

7<

non w o u l d t i k e to i n i t i a t e som eone i n t o u r b a n l i f e o r e x p e r i ­ e n c e i t a f r e s h w ith som eone, p l e a s e “ri t e o r v i s i t .

I t ic o a l d be n i c e to know s o m e o n e ' s o u t t h e r e .

Donald

Mnmniei

17 ' ft'.

2n d S t r

Lauds d a le, PA

CHANGE 75 MV MIDDLE NAME, s w i n g i n g f r o m C a t h o l i c i s m to k a rm a ; T am s e e k i n g to u n d e r s t a n d p a g a n s p i r i t ­ u a lity .

7 SEEK TO COMMUNICATE: Can yo u h e l p me w i t h g e t t i n g s t a r t e d i n NVC t h i s D ecem ber/Ja n u a ry ?

7 (oai once a l m y e r ’ s a s s i s ta n t , an adm i s s i o n s a s s i s t a n t , a c o m p u t e r u s e r a i d e , an e d i t o r and a m ark etin g s p e c i a l i s t .

Wit h h a r d work a n d my u p c o m i n g R.A. 7 a im to be a w r i t e r .

7 SEEK TO LEARN fro m t h o s e who a r e w i l l i n g to s a t e mu c u r i o s i t y : What do f a e r i e s do anyway?

1 am a native of Michigan's U pper P e n i n s u l a b u t r e s i d e i n DC now.

T SEEK TO MEET: 7 am a 2 1 - y e a r - o l d S a g i t t a r l a n Oft','.! b e a r d c w e i r d o .

B a r s - - d r ucjs , a t c o h o t a n d n i c o t o i e - d c n o t e x c i t e me; b o o k s , m u s i c a n d d is c u s s i o n s do.

NEVERTHELESS I BE LI FOE we t e a m more a b o u t o u r s e l v e s when we e x c h a n g e s o m e t h i n g from o u r s e l v e s , 'w he th e r i t be a l e t t e r c o n t a c t or s u g g e s t i o n .

Ratnnond c f W a s h i n g t o n , c / o RFD

DC

A p t.

19446

K e v i n A. G i r a r d 7 5 0 W. P r i n c e s s Anne R oa d, N - r f o l k , DA 2 3 5 1 7

”5C

D ear F e l l o w s - I am r e l o c a t i n g to Oak R i d g e o r K n o xv ille, T en nessee.

I w ould a p ­ p r e c i a t e co n ta cts t h e r e , in the h o p e o< m e e t i n g f r i e n d s a n d h a v i n g a su p p o rt netw ork.

I am a :

Dear RID R e a d e r s

7 have fo u n d a v e r y s p e c i a l c o u n t r y p la ce.

As h e r d s m a n f o r 2 5 0 m i l k i n g g o a ts n ear a m ajor e a s t c o a s t c i t y 7 h a v e th e b e s t o f b o t h w o r l d s . 7 h a v e my w o n d e r f u l a n i m a l s a n d c o u n t r u p e a c e - - p l u s th e s u p p o r t o f mu Gay b r o t h e r s a n d s i s t e r s i n t h e c i tu.

I am a v e r y s e x y , a t t r a c t i v e '•5.

Black { s a l t and p ep p er) g r e e n c u e s , 5 ’ 9 " , 155 l b s . to w a rd s p h u s i c a l , e m o t i o n a l ,

I ’m l o o k i n g f o r f r i e n d / s o u l m a t e / l o v ­ er? who w a n t s a r e l a t i o n s h i p b a s e d on h o n e s t y a n d t r u s t .

B ein g b a s i ­ c a l l y a q u i e t , stay-at-hom e type, I d o n ’ t get t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to m e e t many p e o p l e .

I w ould l i k e to f i n d s o m e o n e w i t h whom I c a n s h a r e my l i f e and i n t e r e s t s ( a r t , w r i t i n g , re a d in g , q u i e t tim es, and v a rio u s cra fts /.

A m ind, n o t j u s t a sex m a c h i n e , i s h a r d to f i n d i n t h i s day a nd a g e , and though I c a n ’ t s a y t h a t l o o k s d o n ’ t m a t t e r to me, a t a l l , t h e m in d I s t h e e s s e n c e o f t h e rela tio n sh ip .

C o n versa tio n i s a d u i n g a r t w h i c h I long to r e v i v e .

I ' m 24 a n d h a v e t i m e s when I n e e d some p e r s o n a l " s p a c e " d u r i n g a r e ­ la t io n s h ip , I lo v e bein g to g e th e r, b u t n o t 24 h r s . a d a n .

An o l d f a s h i o n e d r e l a t i o n s h i p s u i t s me b e s t , I take th in g s s lo w ly and a l ­ ways l o o k b e f o r e I leap.

If in ­ te re s t e d , p lease w rite :

man a g e h a ir, 7 ioork and

S i n a i e m at e i n t e r e s t e d in m a k in g c o n t a c t w i t h " o t h e r s " who w o u l d be s e r i c u s i •r in te r e s t e d i n h e l p i n a to e s t a b l i s h an " a l t e r n a t i v e " w i l d e r ­ n e s s r e t r e a t , t o r ' a u s , in central "ira in ia .

No t r i l l s , j u s t t h e r u s ­ tic b a sics.

L iving space is a v a i l ­ a b l e and e s t a b l i s h e d .

The l a n d i s 100 a c r e s w ith c r e e k s and s p r i n g s and v e r y a t t r a c t i v e , u n i n t i m i d a t i n g woods . . . v e r u p r i v a t e a n d s e c l u d ­ ed.

The a t m o s p h e r e h e r e i s c a s u a l and e a s u g o in g , w ith a s i n c e r e d e s i r e to c r e a t e a "w e lc om e r e t r e a t " t o r t h o s e who a p p r e c i a t e a n d r e s p e c t n a t u r e and i t s s im p le b e a u t u .

96

R i c h a r d Chumlett c / o DF”

De ar

H e a t tin/ Voung Man,

Veu a r e 1 S - 2 7 a n d s e e k i n g p e a c e on my c o u n t r y e s t a t e .

Vou a r e s e t t l e d e n o u g h m e n t a l l y to b e c o n t e n t w i t h s t a u i n q i n my n e s t w i t h o u t anti n e e d to f l y a b o u t s e a r c h i n g f o r p a s s i n g illu sio n s.

Vou cant to g r o w I n f r i e n d s h i p and l o v e .

Vou c a n g i v e u n s e l f i s h l y a n d b e w i t l i n g to m e e t mu m e a g e r n e e d s w h i l e e x p r e s s i n g ucurs.

Vou a r e o p e n .

You c a n r e ­ v e a l uour tru e f e e l i n g s and b a re

your. heart for ado-lotion and pas­ sionate posses s ion.

I 'a m 3 9 , 6 ' 2 " , ISO l b s idio w o u l d enjou s h a rin g a q u i e t L i f e s t a t e , d o i t 0 6 my p l e a s u r e corner a t borne: c o n v e r s a t i o n , pomes, s a t e l l i t e t o , p a rd o n in g, i lo v e to l i s t e n .

So l e t me h e a r loom uou soon with photo and description of needs, l i k e s a n d dream s.

[M o n - s m o k e r s o n l t f .)

S i l l G o ld LGASATF P.O . So x 141 7 Me n t e r , OH 4 4 0 6 1 - 1 4 1 7 D ea r F r i e n d s , Went t o my f i r s t G a t h e r i n g a t Run nin g W a t e r t h i s J u n e .

So s u r ­ p r i s e d how many o f u s t h e r e a r e a c r o s s the l a n d .

S u r p r i s e d to o a t the l a r g e n u m b e r otf c o n t a c t l e t t e r s and RFV s u b s c r i b e r s n e a r b y .

Short down t a i n , Gan ow un go, a n d R u n n i n g Water S a n c t u a r i e s a r e so f a r .

Why d o n ’ t we g e t a c i r c l e t o g e t h e r i n these p a r t s ?

The f o l k s an i n i t i a telep h o n e a fternoon and p l a n F a eries.

a t Running W ater s u g g e s t l e x c h a n g e 0 f le tte rs and c a l l s , f o l l o w e d b y an p o t l u c k s u p p e r to m e e t the f u t u r e o f us T r i s t a t e

Please w r i t e th o u gh ts.

a n d c a l l me w i t h

your

Herman Strumpf 2 740 C o l e r a in A v e .

Cincinnati, OH 45225 (5 13) 5 4 1 - 3 7 6 0 'W name i s M i c h a e l a n d l i k e s o many o t h e r gay m en , I ' m l o n e l y a n d d e s i r e *c c o r r e s p o n d w i t h o t h e r men r e g a r d ­ less of th e ir age, ra ce, lo ca tio n , or d e s i r e s .

A l l a r e w e lc o m e a t my m ailbox.

So w r i t e a n d b e g i n a f r i e n d s h i p t h a t may d e v e l o p i n t o som ething e l s e .

My poems r e f l e c t mu l o n e l y l i f e b u t I ' m n o t b u r d e n e d bu ct.

I work i n t h e a t r e a n d e n j o y g a rd e n in g , m u s ic, and c o u n t r y H i e .

M you a r e i n t e r e s t e d i n a s t r a i g h t a p p e a r i n g , Gwy p l e a s e w r i t e a n d t e l l about u ourse lf .

A lt c o rr e s p o n d c n c c w i l l he a n s w e r e d .

Thanks.

M i c h a e l Thomas P Re x 164 S a n d u s k y , MT 41,471 Dear

RFp

Frien d s,

M th e re anyone o u t t h e r e i n t e r e s t od on a monogamous r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h a 49 y e a r s y o u ng GMf who i s l o v i n g , c a rin g and s e n s i t i v e ?

1 have j u s t

~ m ov ed t o K a n s a s C i t y fro m F l o r i d a a n d am b e g i n n i n g t o t h i n k t h a t t h o s e who a r e s e e k i n g a r e l a t i o n s h i p a r e a r a r e b re e d th es e days.

Of c o u r s e I know t h a t I am w r o n g .

It 's ju st t h a t t h o s e who a r e i n t h e same b o a t a s me j u s t h a v e n ’ t c r o s s e d my p a t h yet.

Perhaps t h i s no te w i l l stim u ­ l a t e so m e o n e o u t t h e r e to w r i t e a n d p u rs u e a l a s t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p w ith m e.

I am 5 ' R " t a l l , ISO l b s . , b a l d i n g [a t u r n o f f ? ) , brown h a i r a n d e x ­ p r e s s i v e brown c u e s .

Mu c o m p l e x i o n i s o l i v e and t h e r e f o r e I h ave a good tan.

Mu i n t e r e s t s i n c l u d e c o o k i n g , mu ho me, c a m p i n g , h i k i n g , p i c n i c s , and j u s t about any th ing inv o lv in g the o u t d o o rs .

1 lo v e to c u d d l e , t o u c h , k i s s a n d indulge i n s a f e sex.

M ak ing my man h a p p y i s a s im­ p o r t a n t a s i s h i s d o i n g t h e same f o r me.

A l t i n a l l 1 ha v e a t o t to o f f e r and tong f o r a r e l a t i o n s h i p .

My p r e f e r e n c e i s f o r s o m e o n e young­ th a n m y s e l f , p r e f e r a b t u in h i s 3 0 's .

S p a n ish p e o p le r e a l In turn me o n b u t I do n o t r u l e o u t a n y o n e .

R a c e i s no b a - rr i c r .

A v e r a g e to c h u n k y men a r e d e f i n i t e l y a t u r n o n .

T h e o n l y thing that re a lly turns me o f f i s e f f e m i n a t e men.

1 want a MAN a n d n o t a q u e e n .

1 do smoke to b acco b u t d ru g s and heavy d r i n k i n g a r e out.

er

When a n s w e r i n g t h i s a d p l e a s e i n ­ c lu d e your phone * and a photo o f y o u r s e l f to p ro v e uour s i n c e r i t y a n d I w i l l r e s p o n d w i t h th e same.

H o p e f u l l i t uou w i l l be trom t h i s a r e a so we c a n e a s i l u m e e t .

Mo p riso n ers p lea se. r>e m em b cr t h a t h e who h e s i t a t e s l o s e s so p l e a s e w r i t e .

I a n xio u sly a w a i t u o u r t e t t e r so tee c a n e x p l o r e the p c s s i b i l ( t i e s .

Rob o f K a n s a s C i t y d o RFV H ello o ut t h e r e ,

d o n ' t n e e d to watch a n a t u r e p ro gra m on T 1/ when I c a n e x p e r i e n c e i t i n real life !

I h a p p e n to b e a rugged, d a r k s k i n n e d Swede w i t h r e d hair in Summer and d a r k h a i r i n W i n t e r . I ' m 5 ' l l " , 150 l b s . , p u s h i n g 4 0 b u t liv in g 30.

1 l i k e to g a r d e n o r ­ g a n ic a l l y , not because I shoutd-j u s t t h a t i t w orks!

I d o n ' t do a n y drugs, but do smoke a n d w i l l down a c o l d b e e r on a h o t d a u .

A nyone i n my a r e a who w an ts to c o r r e s p o n d w i t h me c a n w r i t e me a t t h i s a d d r e s s : A lls te d t P.O. Rox 4S 4 F U p p e n , AR Pear

72634

RFV R e a d e r s ,

Mu name i s Sam and I ' m a soon to be 36 y e a r o l d g a y male Caucasian l i v i n g in Ran A n t o n i o T e x a s .

I am approximatel u f i v e f o o t f i v e i n c h e s ta ll and o n e h u n d r e d a n d s i x t u pounds.

I l i v e d on a fa r m when I was u o u n g e r a n d h a v e d r e a m s o f r e t u r n i n g to farm life or h o m e s t e a d i n g . R u t , t h i s i s be s t n o t d o n e a t o n e .

R e s i d e s s e l f s u f f i c i e n c y , I am a l s o i n t e r e s t e d in a r t s a n d c r a f t ' , , s p i r i t u a l it y , p a tte rn , ju st about a n y t h i n g t h a t c a n be c r a f t e d w it h uour hands.

I ’m a lso i n t e r e s t e d in q u i e t tim es w ith s p e c i a l p e o p l e .

I am a new r e a d e r o f RFV a n d have o n l y r e a d t h e l a s t two i s s u e s .

R u t , t h e r e d o e s n ’ t se em to b e much i n f o r m a t i o n o r e v e n F e t t e r s fro m Texas.

I f a n y o n e has i n f o r m a t i o n on r u r a l g a u g r o u p s in o r a r o u n d San A n t o n i o , I w o u l d a p p r e c i a t e Hour s h a r i n g i t w i t h me.

I am i n t e r e s t e d in m e e t i n g r u r a l g a u men t o r com­ p a n i o n s h i p , cn t o y i n g m u t u a l i n ­ t e r e s t , a n d P e r h a p s even something more t a s t i n g .

Sam S m i t h o f San A n t o n i o c / o RFV

I ’ ve j u s t s t a r t e d o v e r a g a i n i n t h e A r k a n s a s O zar k s a n d w o u l d t i k e to g e t i n com m unication w ith R a c k -to Land b r o t h e r s i n t h e Mnt. Home to H arriso n a re a .

I r e c e n t l y bought 20 a c re s o f rugged m o u n t a i n t o p s u r r o u n d e d bi/ t h e R u f fa lo R iver W ild ern ess A rea.

I t ha s a la r g e garden and o rch a rd , a lso som eone e l s e p r e v i o u s l y b u i l t a l a r g e , h o u s e on t h e p r o p e r t u .

I'm i n t h e p r o c e s s o f r e a r r a n g i n g i t to s u i t mu own n e e d s .

The s u r r o u n d i n g m ountains a r e w il d and untam ed, w ith n o t an e l e c t r i c p o l e i n s i g h t .

I

97

G r e e t i na s

•

I ’ m a 37 n e a r , d a r k h a i r e d , b e a r d e d man w i t h a g r e y h o u n d b u i l d [ n o t t h e b u s ) , a n d w it !; m a t i n g i n t e n t i o n s .

I ’ m a t o n g tim e v e g e t a r i a n , p h u s i c a t l u a c t i v e and h ea lth c o n s c io u s , a n d have a g e n t l e d i s p o s i t i o n .

F iv e a c r e s 35 m i l e s e a s t o f downtown i s where I ’m b u i l d i n g a f e r r o - c e m e n t dome a n d w a l l e d g a r d e n f o r a n e s t .

I'm a d e g r e e d la n d s c a p e a r c h i t e c t , an a v i d g a r d e n e r , a n d a l s o s t a r t i n g a n u r s e r y on t h e l a n d .

T here a re a l r e a d y b e a u t i f u l w a t e r oa k a n d

mesquite t r e e s , with painted bun­ tin gs singing in the. bought, and m i d passion v in es. W ilderness hiking and preservation one i n ­ te r e s ts of, mine, as well at aAlt 8 c ra fts faint where I enten p a in t­ ing t , drawings, and masks—aZto native American and other earthcen tered s p ir itu a l tr a d itio n s , yoga, massage, dances of univentaZ peace, cage binds, hontes and space music.

1 hunt busily fon iome. fin e words To announce the netunn of good weather, And the splendor of the evening, But 7 have no one to share them with.

So I s i t q u ie tly and ioatch The Milky Way li g h t up.

I am su f fused with it s glow.

A ll my s p i r i t is illum inated.

- Ch ' en Vu Vi {via Kenneth Rexroth] And in the dreamtime meantime, i t ivould be n ice to have some i n t e r e s t ­ ing correspondence, v is i t o r s , or even neighbors.

Peace be with you,

Pear S p iritu a l Questors, Most of my l i f e 7 have been on a s p ir it u a l journey. For years 7 was a devout church go er (Roman Catho­ l i c ] . But the la s t 8 years (a fte r my m id -life "opportunity") 7 have pursued my own in n er path through me.ditation 8 dreams. 7 follow th e God-within who crea ted 8 loves gay men.

7 now seek to blend the s p ir it u a l with the s e x u a l- e ro tic . 7 am sym­ p a th etic to Jungian psychology, Eastern mysticism, Radical F a eries.

At p re sen t 7 am resea rch in g gay s p ir it u a li t y . My fa v o rite book for 1987 was Gay S p ir it fMark Thompson, ed ito r ].

7 am 48, 160#, 5'7", average b u ild , H71/ n e g ., s a fe sex a p r io r it y , no drugs, no smoke, li g h t a lco h o l. 7 have tra v e lle d around the world, tw ice; 7 author 6 le c t u r e p ro fe s ­ s io n a lly but am not an egg head. My frien d s teZl me although 7’m well educated (Ph.V) 7 am a very passion­ ate and sensual man, s e n s it iv e , g e n t le , ca rin g , and s tr a ig h t a ctin g .

7 tend to be shy 8 q u ie t, p re fe rin g a n igh t at home to bar hopping, but 7 do tove to d isco .

Hyperion P.O. Rex 1Q1211 V alias, TX 7S219

7 aw seeking e it h e r a frie n d and/or lo v er or ju s t a pen p a l. 7 am p a rtia l to hunky Teddy Be.ars over 40 who are mechanically in c lin e d , p h y sica l, gutsy. Pot b e ll ie s O.K. 7 promise to answer a l l s in c e re l e t t e r s . Vour photo gets mine.

dear Readers,

P2ease w rite:

T pTan to move ifaem HouSton within the next few months as 7 have found that c it y l i f e is driving me crazy.

7 would love to find a group of guys or someone sp ecia l who would be open to having me visit and help with chores, e t c . 7 grew up on a farm, so 7 am fam iliar with that kind of work and have no fears of g ettin g my hands d irty .

Monk

So, 7 am looking for too th in g s: a new liv in g place in a ru ra l area and someone sp ecia l to share this new l i f e with. 7 d o n 't know which w ill come f i r s t or i f these goals can be achieved with one person rig h t cuoau, but 7 need to sta rt somewhere. 7 have m yself, my ta len ts, and love to o f f e r , and 7 would love to c o rre s ­ pond with anyone in t e r e s t e d , and share more of m yself and what 7 Mint to g iv e.

Rohn Steelman 3018 Lake #7 Houston, TX 77098-2141

P.O. Box 285 8962 E. Hampden Ave. Venver, CO 80231 Hello People 7'm a Colorado native ra is e d in a q u ie t l i t t l e mountain torn c a lle d T e llu r id e - - b efo re i t became a sk i re s o rt! Small to m l i f e made i t d e s ira b le and necessary to develop a rapport with nature. 7 chose ro ck i, and became a g e o lo g is t. Al­ though 7 new liv e in a Big mountain tom c a lle d Venver, 7 ' l l never be com pletely c i t i f i e d .

Healthy outlooks and bo'dies appeal to me. L ife i s too sh o rt for n eu ro tic re s t r ic t io n s of the s p i r i t , and too fr a g ile fo r re c k ­ le s s neglect.. 7 am a serio u s but norm man of 35 with blond h a ir and reddish-blond mustache, and average bu ild . Mon-smoker and d ru g -fre e , 7 seek contact with d is c r e e t men 98

(o ld er or contem poraries] who can be open and u p -fro n t with another person. People with no sen se of humor can stop reading h ere.

7 promise to answer a l l c o rre s dence, and can sometimes o f f e r ac­ comodations when you v i s i t th is area.

Let me know what you are a l l about!

With fr a te rn it y and a ffe c t io n , Jim Roche P.O. Box 37196 Venver, CO 80237-0196 7 li v e in God's country— Colorado S p rin gs, Colorado. 7 am hoping to meet a f m dom to ea rth , frie n d ly guys who l i k e r-ides in th e country­ s id e , ivalks in th e m o d s, p icn ics near a bubbling creek or flow erf i l l e d meadow. 7 am cu te fo r 30, short blonde h a ir, green ey es, 5'10 and a non smoker.

7 would ra th er spend my money on a steak than a n igh t in some smoke f i l l e d booming bar. 7 lik e moon l i g h t , looking dom a t the c it y lig k t s - - o r sun f i l l e d days, sunning in th e mountains. A ll 7 r e a l ly need is someone to smooth th e o i l on? 7 love backrubs!!

7 p r e f e r an honest, s e n s ib le , in ­ t e l l i g e n t "type" who lik e s the out­ doors and indoors, around my age.

7 am re a lty looking fo r a s p e c ia l someone to enjoy a i l Colorado has to o f f e r , a* time xs going by and i t ' s no fun being alone.

A p ic tu re toould be n ice but i s n 't mandatory--real fe e lin g s a re . Write with some d eta its about, y o u rself and what you li k e to do in your spare time— I'm open to su g g estio n s.

Vcu won't be disappointed (sm iles!.

Gay peace RB P.O. Box 38247 Colorado S p rin gs, CO 80937 Vear REV B rothers, Vo you l i k e th e ivarmth o f the sun, good music, being c re a t iv e , a g rea t massage re g u la rly , a g e n tle touch, stim ulating conversation, re a l love making, being tr u ly sen su a l, laugh-

ing,

and h a v in g a c l o s e f r i e n d ?

If t h i s s l e n d e r , a t t r a c t i v e Veto Age mai.ii of, G r e e k / G e r m a n a n c e s t r y , who i s fr o m M i n n e s o t a fa rm c o u n t r y , n a t u r a l l y u n c u t , has a g r e a t s m it e , a nd u n d e r s t a n d s the. s u b t l e m y s t e r i e s o f l i f e , w o u t d t i k e t o i n v i t e you t o v i s i t , on. w h i t e , h im .

< 50,

A new

e x p e r i e n c e aw aits you.

I f uou t i k e c h a l l e n g e s , t h e n I a w a i t uou eaqenl. it .

Warmly,

Tim Goodwin 1351 C r e s c e n t H t s .

RI v d .

*101 90046

d e a n RFV R e a d e r s ,

An e t h e n e An e a w i t h

a n y g a y men i n t h e Bay c o u n tr y v a lu es and s e e k in g sim ple p l e a s u r e s ?

I lo v e the % outdoor

m ountains and th e s e a . i n t e r e s t s a r e more a p a s s i o n th a n a h o b b y .

They i n c l u d e backpacking, cam ping, b i c y c t i n q , cro ss c o u n t r y s k i i n g , dau h i k i n g , and t h e b e a c h .

When home., T am g a r ­ d en in g , sp en d in g q u i e t e v e n in g s a t o n e on p o s s i b l y c a t c h i n g a f i l m an d d i n n e r o u t .

Som etim es, h e re i n th e m id d le o f m etro p o lis, 7 f e e l l ik e a m isp la ced person.

7 b a l a n c e t h e a w k w a rd n e s s by e n j o y i n g a i v o n d e r f u l a n d h e w an d <ng j o b w o r k i n g i n t h e c o a s t a l f o o t h ilts.

When 7 n e e d t o e s c a p e . 7 o f t e n n e t r e a t t o my p l a c e i n t h e S ienn a s.

7 a ls o t r a v e l abroad whenever 7 have th e c h a n c e . \ t a g e 4 0 , 7 am f i n d i n g m o s t o f my f r i e n d s t u n n i n g to m o r e s e d e n t a r y an d t r e n d y fo r m s o f e n t e r t a i n m e n t .

1 have c o n t i n u e d t o e x p l o r e a l o n e , b u t d re a m o f m e e t i n g s o m e o n e who s h a r e s my v a l u e s a n d i n t e r e s t s : one. who i s s e t t l e d , s e c u r e , m a t u r e , “farm a n d s e n s i t i v e .

I f you a r e I n t e r e s t e d , p le a s e ionite:

V.w.

4 5 46 E l Camino BIO *3 42 Los A l t o s ,

CA

V m a G / W / M , 3 5 , 5 ' 1 0 ” , 75$*, bro wn h a ir /b l u e e y es, m a scu lin e, h ea lth y [ HTLU-3 n e g a t i v e ) X - f a r m - b o y b o t t o m man who i s s e e k i n g a h a i r y - d i e s t e d , h e a l t h y , m a s c u l i n e , dominant, n a t u r a l t o p - m a n f o r a monogamous re la t io n s h ip .

7 esp ecia lly tik e f a r m e r s /r a n c h e r s b u t w i l l answer a lt.

7 can r e - l o c a t e . P le a s e send photo and d e t a i l e d l e t t e r .

S in cere o n ly .

I am p l a n n i n g a t r i p t o H o l l a n d , G erm a n y , Denmark a n d Sw ede n i n A p r i l / M a y 19SS [ a b o u t o n e month t o t a l v i s i t ) a n d 1 w o u ld t i k e to make some new f r i e n d s t h e r e .

Es­ p e c i a l l y in A m s te r d a m , M u n ic h , B e r ­ l i n , Copenhagen and Sto ck h o lm .

Jim P . 0 . Box 4 1 1 5 6 1 San F r a n c i s c o , CA

S e e k i n g t h e L a v e n d e r H i p p i e , M. Sean.

Bean i f y o u ' h e o u t t h e r e p l e a s e c o n t a c t me.

Vou d o n ’ t know me, b u t yo u w o n ' t b e s o n n y to m e e t me.

CA

Dear European B r o t h e r s :

I h a v e h o s t e d many i v o n d e r f u l E u r o ­ p e a n men h e r e i n mu a p a r t m e n t a n d I w o u l d a l s o l i k e to s t a y w i t h o t h e r gay men w h i l e I ’ m i n E u r o p e .

S in cerely ,

Marc Habcrman P08 4 0 5 0 4 T u c s o n , AZ' &5717

W. H o W m o d ,

V e a n RFV R e a d e r s ,

94142

d ear B ro th e r s , Lovers, and A d v e n t u r e f u l P a ts:

7'm n i c e t o o k i n g , t a l l , t r i m , 4 0 , da rk h a ir., b e a r d , h e a l t h y , I t a l i a n , n o n s m o k e r / d r l n k e r / d r u g g e r (g r a s s o k ).

I ' m a l s o an A r t i s t , W r i t e r a n d Photographer. S e n s u a l , w i s e , hon­ est, funny, o p e n , r o m a n t i c , f r e e s p i r i t , a f f e c t i o n a t e , good n a tu re d , n o nconform ist.

My i n t e r s t s a r e : A m erican I n d i a n s , m a s s a g e , f o l k ft Hew Age m u s i c , p o t ­ te ry , p rim itiv e a r t , n a tu re, t h r i f t shops, s p i r i t u a l i t y , co o k in g , danc­ in g , m eta p h y sics, m eeting p eo p le f r o m many la n d s , nude S u n bathin g, t r a v e l , m a k in g l o v e a n d s p e n d i n g th e n i g h t i n each o t h e r ' s arm s.

Some o f t h e p l a c e s I ’ d t i k e to s h a r e w i t h you h e r e i n San F r a n c i s c o a r e : H a ig h t -A s h b u r y , B e r k e l e y , the M is ­ s i o n , N o rth bea ch , S a u s a t it o Flea M a rk et, the I-Beam , C afe F l o r e and m ore! ( B u t I 'm n o t i n t o the C a s tr o clone o r le a th e r s c e n e . }

I'm handsom e, y o u t h f u l 4 0 , t a l l , tr im , dark h a ir , b ea rd , I t a l i a n / A m e r i c a n , h e a l t h y , s e n s e o f hum or, sen su a l, honest, s p ir it u a l, a f f e c ­ t io n a te , c o n s i d e r a t e , dow n-to*earth, and t a l e n t e d .

I ' m an A r t i s t , W r i t ­ e r , a n d P h o t o g r a p h e r a n d I a t so e n ­ jo y d oing m assage.

H o n - s m o k e r , no d ru g s , v ery t i t t l e a lc o h o l, safe sex.

Teh s p r e e he e i n toen i g V e u t s c h .

But i t w o u ld b e b e t t e r i f you s p e a k a n d w rite i n E n g lis h to o . le t's ex­ c h a n g e p h o t o s a n d t e t t e r s now . . . t h e n w e ’ I t be " o l d f r i e n d s ” when we do m e e t i n p e r s o n .

A m e r i c a n b r o t h e r s who h a v e f r i e n d s a n d c o n t a c t s i n th e .s e c o u n t r i e s a r e a l s o te e l c.o me to r e s p o n d .

Pie te n t>ank!

I c h umarrne F>ich, J o e L a w re n c e Lembo P . 0 , Box 6 4 0 4 4 4 Ban F r a n c i s c o , CA 9 4 1 6 4 U .S .A .

I am a g / w / m , 31 y r s o l d , 145 l b s , brown h a i r , b l u e

5 ’ 10", eyes.

My i n t e r e s t s i n c l u d e : skateboard­ i n g , w i n d s u r f i n g , g a r d e n i n g , TM, h ik i n g , m assage.

T h e men [ o r man) who I ' d b e m o s t a t t r a c t e d to w o u t d be t a l l , t r i m , h a ir y , 2 5 -4 5 , b ea rd o r m oustache, w e ll hung, h e a lt h y , p o s i t i v e a t t i ­ t u d e , g o o d s e l f - i m a g e , s h a r e s some o f my i n t e r e s t s , d o w n - t o - e a r t h , h o n e s t , c h e e r f u l and v e r y l o v i n g . [ Ho p r i s o n e r s p i exis e . )

1 am w o r k i n g to w a rd s h a v i n g a h u t , d om e, or y u r t S u r r o u n d e d b y a g a r d e n on a t r o p i c a l i s l a n d .

1 t i k e , to p l a y a n d w ork h a r d : in the nude i f p o ssib le.

A t t h i s p o i n t i n my l i f e I ’ m o p e n to m eeting b r o t h e r s , a l o v e r , or ad­ v e n tu refu l p a ls.

Vour photo w ould be n ic e..

I c o n s i d e r muse I f o p e n , h o n e s t a n d u o u n g a t h e a r t a n d h o p e to h e a r fro m p e o p l e w ith th e above m e n tio n e d s im ila r it ie s or g o a ls.

L oving T h o u g h ts ,

L e t t e r s , fp o s s i b l y w i t h p h o t o s ? ) , s h o u l d be s e n t t o . . .

J o e Lembo Box 6 4 0 4 4 4

San Francisco, CA

94164

94022

99

Keyes Lloyd 46 7 S a r a t o g a A v e .

Box 154 S an J o s e , CA 9 5 1 2 9

Howdy:

CoAC to chock it out?

For 8 years I had a 25 acre farm at M t. Aukum, CA (Where the h e ll is that??) but hold i t Summer 84 and 'Wandered to San Diego [Surf, City) and then back to Northern C a lifo rnia and near the town of C loverdale, pop. 5000, end of the freeway north of San Francisco (95 m iles) and now own a amailer p arcel of 2 a c re s , with e x c e lle n t s o il and water, sur­ rounded by 100 acres of vineyard.

Vick Ryan P.O. Box 158 S r i d g e v ille , CA

Am looking for a compatible and responsible roommate and frie n d , e ith e r to help with worh here (ga r­ den S orchard) or who may work in town or Santa Rosa 50 miles down the road. I'm 42, 6 ft, 185, long ish brown h a ir, beard. Seeking man p refera b ly over 30 to share this rural and q u iet spot in the country. Or v is ito rs between S .F . and Humboldt County or Oregon, Write or c a l l : Steve Gins burg Cherry Herr if Farm P .0, Box 778 Cloverdale, CA 95425 707-894-4623 Are you over 50, trim, a c tiv e , pleased with yo u rself 8 your age?

Not into youth except for visual appreciation?

So you lik e opera 8 the c la s s ic s , know the Renault books? Maybe kinda crazy about wiIdflowers 8 gardening, enjoy working with liv e s to c k , poul­ try, dogs 8 ca ts. A stay-at-home?

Have a small income fo r your p e r­ sonal use? Can you talk about problems b efore i t ' s too la te to talk? Not fem, fa t, a lco h o lic or i n i ' drugs 6 SsM? I'm lo o k in ', I'm 61, ju st under 6 ’ , 150*, trim, a ctiv e, bald, gran beard, dark com­ p lected . Capricorn i f that mean* anything— I smoke 8 have a drink in the evening, b efore a la te d in n er.

I ’ m homesteading on 40 acres of mild northwestern mountain, with spectacular views and a wealth o< ftouvring plants 8 bulbs. 7 raise a ll of my cm i food 8 only purchase staples (8 junk). There is more than enough for two.

I am slowly building a home while roughing it . Comforts, though few, w ill come la t e r .

I t 's iso la ted , peaceful 8 very enjoyable [to me)!

95526

Young gentleman, no hippy seeking a home, lake a small ranch--or an a crea ge, w ill do ch o res, ra ised on a farm, and miss the country-Seeking a nice man, who appreciates a good h e lp e r. I ’m clea n , very good cook (12 y ea rs), and a good baker, tik e gathering eggs, feed a few pigs or a cow, putting in fen ce.

Like a man who lik e s a good bottom, I'm very passive with a good man, nothing w ild, no drunks. Also a good housekeeper 8 shopper-Will do mu b est to ptea.se him --like gardening and yard work--being busy, keeping things up.

Ron 1734 NE Halsey Portland, OR 97232 B rothers, Young Indo-European, 6 '2 " , 170 tb s, auburn brown, h a ir, blue ey es, liv e s with parents (who d o n 't know), would lik e to correspond with other men, twenties to fo r tie s and maybe meet i f you’ re in the WilliameXte Valley of Oregon. I am a passionate lover of nature--storm winds, forest walks, flowers in June, bees and b u t t e r f l i e s . Am healthy, but not o rien ted taward the health Industru or sp o rts; be in shape because you 1 ive that !'«o. Am a nix of re a c ­ tionary and li b e r a l, and am apo l i ti ca l .

P resently a student a t Oreaon S ta te.

Horn in Town, ra ised in Oregon.

Firmly m onotheistic, and a practi t ion er of Ck ris tian v i r tue s .

Strong exponent of frankness and e ff ic ie n c y . Hard work, honesty are c ru c ia l c h a r a c t e r is t ic s .

Love good tragedy. I am thankful for being a lover of men.

T loathe: tren d in ess, a r t i f i c i a l ­ ity , pop c u ltu re , suits and t ie s , snail talk, " the e x p e rts ," and m aterialism . C ig a re tte s , d rinking, drugs, and stimulants are s t a ffs we do not need to lean on.

Like I m o t e , I have a p refe re n c e for men (Caucasian) in th eir la t e twenties to fo r tie s for w ritin g , frien d sh ip , or rela tio n sh ip .

Healthu, ha iry , loving ones are b e s t. Huns, clo sen ess and touching are more, important than sex.

100

Everyone lik e s to g e t mail and I ’m n<j> d i f f e r e n t . Write soon, b ro thers.

Andrew S h a ffer of Oreaon cfo RFV WA NTED:

Hous ema te f Lev er

MF: Gay white masculine man, 3Os, 5’10", dark cu rly h a ir, good look­ in g , trimmed beard, bluish green ey es, I have a dominant type dad/big brother p erso n a lity , mono­ gamous, honest, HTLV n ega tiv e, into rural l i f e s t y l e and outdoor ac­ t i v i t i e s , enjoy movies/music/good fo o d/reading, I am Greek a ctiv e and French a ctiv e -p a s s iv e . 7 b eliev e in the old fashioned values of love, fa ith fu ln e s s , honesty, openness, sharing, caring and being romantic.

NOT: into drugs, the bar scene, c it y l i f e , or k in k in ess.

SEEKING: devoted masculine Hr. Right, 20-30 +/- years old, around 5'6" or l e s s , HTLV n ega tiv e, Greek passive and French p a ssiv e-a ctiv e, with sim ila r I n t e r e s t s , and must have same l i f e values. Having dark cu rly hair and/or hairy c h est is a p lu s .

GOAL:

Permanent re la tio n s h ip !

WHERE: I liv e in the country out­ side o f a small toion in W Washing­ ton. The town is located in the fo o th ills of the Cascade Mountains.

One can tra v el 30 minutes in one d ire c tio n and be in the mountains and 30 minutes in the other and be on the coast. The clim ate is ra th er moderate with summers■ra r e ly over 80 degrees and w itters ra r e ly be­ low fre e z in g . There is approximate­ ly 60 inches of rain a year which produce some of the most b ea u tifu l fo rests and wildflow ers seen. Re­ crea tio n a l a c t i v it ie s in clu d e the follow ing: snow sk iin g , boating, h ik in g, camping, fis h in g , hunting, rock hounding, e t c .

SITUATION: 7 am p resen tly employed fu lltim e in fo re s try . 7 am ren tin g seme land on which 7 have my mobile home and a few animals. 7 plan on purchasing some land and having a small mountain farm operation and building a house.

IF INTERESTED:

Write and t e l l me

a ll about yours e l./, your goal.s, t/our needs, and your I n t e r e s t s .

VouA telephone, and photograph gets mine.

SWCFMLV:

(

(Continued from page 37) the moonlight; this huge bird creature was giving chase!

L.F. Warren Box * 666 Sedro Woollen, WA 98284 p .O.

Hi Call me 5OCA. 7 am 44, t a l l , th in , p retty l i t , healthy, uoung In a weathered body a /t e r years ou tsid e.

I'm into nature, beauty and sim p lic­ ity . Mot into m aterialism and p re­ ten tio n s. B asically T am a s a ilo r / adventurer/tra v eler/ro m a n tic coho' s liv ed outside the USA 76 years. Now truing to g e t involved In a ru ra l area and connect with compatible guns with the goat o / developing a rela tio n sh ip .

% S

I tripped over something in my path and fell forward.

Before I could regain my huge fastened Up, up we flew toward the footing, moon until we claws were bathed themselves in my shirt.

To my feltI myself in a green light.

Then the birdhorror, landed Iand was lifted to from earth and carried through the and air.dis­I pulled my the feet.

Timidly, I looked around screamed,I was but standing the air carried the sound away birdlike as I covered in a circle of these wiggled in the clutches of the great claws. creatures.

"This boy watched my transformation," a deep voice said. "What shall be his punishment?"

"Kill him!" one hissed, and nipped at my cheek with his sharp beak.

"No, don't kill him," another one said. "Let me make love to him." And she stroked my arm with the tip of her wing.

Speci/icalJLy 7 seek young-hearted brothers to show me th e ir ru ra l l i /e s t o l e or someone to jo in me th is winter on my boat In the Caribbean-to appreciate l l / e and plan the future. 7 seek companionsIUp, sup­ port and lo v e.

"He must become one of us," another voice said. way he will never betray us."

"That

I looked up into the eyes of what must have been their leader and was left with the feeling that I knew this creature.

7 can provide adventure and beautu and caring.

Should we pursue this?

"We are enough!" the first voice hissed, killed."

"lie must be

Lastly, 7 am m asc., s a /e sex, mas­ sage, cuddling, touching, no tobac­ co.

"No!" the leader said. "Me is to become one of us.

Tor this day, I have trained him well " They gathered round me, their beaks in my face, mak­ ing strange noises. I fainted in fright. Later, I found myself being carried through the air. Then to my astonishment, I found I was flying under my own power. I was a creature like the rest of them.

Bruce o / London c/o RFV 7 am a 21 years old West German gaif, student (a g r ic u lt u r e ) and 1 am looking /or an a ltern a tiv e /arm p ro ject where 7 can do my p ra c tic a l course o / the study.

"We must hurry," a voice whispered. late."

"The hour grows

Then I found myself standing in my back yard by the old oak. The cold night air cut through my thin jacket, and I ran to climb back into bed before Aunt.

Mary realized I was gone.

7 am a c e r t i /i c a t e d gardener and 7 have some ex p erien ce in b io lo g ica ldynamic a g ricu ltu re and 7 am spe­ c ia lly in t e re s te d in truck /arming, growing vegetable fib e r and vege­ table o il .

T awoke the next morning, thinking I had a strange dream. I reassured myself that T was a boy and not a strange bird creature.

Lor me I t 's important to meet peo­ ple who liv e an a ltern a tiv e l i / e style and link coork, (g re e n ) p o li­ tics and s p ir it u a lit y .

Gleefully, sure that it was only a dream, I hurried to make my bed before starting on a new day. There on my pillow lay a huge black feather, and the marrow in my bones turned to dust.

I'd lik e to begin in February/larch 1988 and 7 hope to hear /rom you soon to give you more in/ormation about me and the. p ra ctica l cou rse.

I must end my story now, as the moon is growing high­ er in the sky. The strange silvery light will work its magic on my body. I must make haste to Shackerfoot's cabin.

d ll Lehmann \ndustrle s t r . 3 3430 Witzenhausen West Germany 101

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