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Dear Friends, I know that if you homeschool your children, you care deeply about their education. However, you also face the need to regularly review their curriculum, books, and other learning materials. We want to help make that just a little bit easier.

Every homeschool family approaches educating their children in their own way. It is with that in mind that we offer up this WaterBrook Multnomah Homeschooling Sampler. Inside you will find selections from a handful of books from WaterBrook Multnomah, the Christian division of Penguin Random House, including fiction for young readers, books for teens, and several nonfiction books about practical and biblical Christian parenting.

I hope you find content here that is useful to your family in your homeschooling journey!

My Warmest Regards,

Alexander Field

Alexander Field Vice President and Publisher, WaterBrook Multnomah A Division of Penguin Random House

ABOUT WATERBROOK & MULTNOMAH WATERBROOK MISSION WaterBrook publishes Christian books that seek to intensify and satisfy a reader’s elemental thirst for a deeper relationship with God. We seek messages that draw on the Bible, experiential learning, story, practical guidance, and inspiration to help readers thrive in their faith.

MULTNOMAH MISSION Multnomah publishes Christian resources that proclaim the Gospel and equip followers of Jesus to make disciples. We seek timeless messages from trusted Christian voices that challenge readers to approach life from a biblical perspective.

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Books for

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Excerpt from The Mission of Motherhood © 2003 by Sally Clarkson Excerpt from Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child © 2016 by Boris Vujicic Excerpt from In This House, We Will Giggle © 2014 by Courtney DeFeo Excerpt from Safe House © 2015 by Joshua Straub Excerpt from You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) © 1999, 2012 by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias All rights reserved.

First published by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group, a Division of Penguin Random House.

First Printing, 2016 Copyright 2016 All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARKS Printed in the United States of America Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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Contents THE MISSION OF MOTHERHOOD . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

by Sally Clarkson RAISING THE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT CHILD . . . . . . . . . . . 19

by Boris Vujicic IN THIS HOUSE, WE WILL GIGGLE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

by Courtney Defeo SAFE HOUSE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59

by Joshua Straub, Ph.D. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME (BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED) . . . 75

by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, M.Ed.

From NFL all-star and author of Through My Eyes: A Quarterback’s Journey

S HA K E N

DISCOVERING YOUR TRUE IDENTITY IN THE MIDST OF LIFE’S STORMS TIM TEBOW—Heisman Trophy-

winning athlete, a television personality on ESPN, a New York Times bestselling author—has accomplished many great things but it’s his identity as a Christian that supersedes all else.. Identity is the topic of his newest book, Shaken, in which Tebow traces the highs and lows of his life and career in conjunction with his enduring faith. He encourages his fellow Christians to define themselves in terms of their relationship with Christ rather than earthly successes or failures, and reaches out to those struggling with their faith to reveal the revolutionary effects of building one’s identity with Christ as its cornerstone. By sharing his own most vulnerable moments, Tebow inspires and reminds us of our incredible value in the eyes of God.

TEBOW AD TK

TIM TEBOW is a homeschool graduate who went on to become a two-time national champion, first-round NFL draft pick, and Heisman Trophy winner. He is currently a college football analyst for SEC Nation, a traveling pre-game show. Tebow also contributes to a variety of ESPN platforms including SportsCenter, ESPN Radio, and the network’s Heisman Trophy coverage. Prior to joining the SEC Network, Tebow played three years in the NFL for the Denver Broncos, New York Jets, and New England Patriots. Tebow is active in a variety of philanthropic activities through his Tim Tebow Foundation.

SHAKEN

Discovering Your True Identity in the Midst of Life’s Storms

by TIM TEBOW with A. J. Gregory WaterBrook Press • HC 978-0-7352-8986-4 • 224pp. $25.00/$34.00 Can. Also available as audiobook download, audiobook CD, and an eBook.

AVAILABLE OCTOBER 2016

THE MISSION OF MOTHERHOOD by Sally Clarkson

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o calling is greater, nobler, or more fulfilling than that of motherhood. Every day, as we nurture our children, mothers influence eternal destiny as no one else can. Tragically, today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape your life, you can rediscover the joy and fulfillment to be found in the strategic role to which God in all his wisdom has called you, for a purpose far greater than you can ever imagine.

Discover how understanding God’s purpose and design can empower you to be the mother you long to be.

SALLY CLARKSON is a speaker who has worked in various ministries for more than thirty years. She and her husband, Clay, are the cofounders of Whole Heart Ministries. The Clarksons have four children and live just outside of Colorado Springs, Colorado.

WaterBrook Press • Trade Paperback • 978-1-57856-581-8 • 256pp. • $14.99/$16.99 Can. eBook: 978-0-307-56466-5 1

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THE MISSION OF MOTHERHOOD PUBLISHED BY WATERBROOK PRESS 12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921 All Scripture quotations are taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB). © Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977.

Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org).

ISBN 978-1-57856-581-8 Copyright © 2003 by Sally Clarkson All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

WATERBROOK and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Clarkson, Sally.

The mission of motherhood : touching your child’s heart for eternity / by Sally Clarkson.

— 1st ed. p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 1-57856-581-2 1. Motherhood—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Mothers—Religious life. I. Title.

BV4529.18C53 2003 248.8’431—dc21 2002011002 Printed in the United States of America 2010 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11

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Hearts and Hands

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s I look back to the memories of my childhood, a strong image that comes to my mind is that of my mother’s loving hands. I thought they were the most beautiful in the world. In many ways, I still feel that way.

Because I had been a premature baby, I was often sick with a variety of respiratory illnesses, including chronic asthma and occasional bouts with pneumonia. My memories of these illnesses, however, are mostly pleasant, because my mother would gently stroke my brow as she talked softly or told me stories and gave me her full attention. I remember feeling very loved from such focused attention.

At other times, when I fidgeted in church services, I remember my mother’s hands massaging my own, pulling and squeezing each of my fingers as she quietly played finger games with me. As a young child, sitting next to her in a big overstuffed chair, I would watch her hands as she read to me from an oversized children’s book. Her fingers would point to the enticing, heart-delighting pictures and turn the pages of the large volumes as we leisurely sat together and talked and read.

And during the period when I was having a recurring nightmare—one I still remember!—I especially remember the comfort of my mother’s hands when she came to my bedside. She would take my hand in hers as she knelt to pray with me, soothing away my fears and comforting me as she entreated God to take all of my bad thoughts away.

Now, many, many years removed from my mother and a thousand miles away, these memories of my mother’s hands are still strong in my heart. Those hands are now old and wrinkled and aching with arthritis, yet still, as an adult, I often wish she were with me to stroke my brow in the midst of illness and exhaustion, to massage away the frustration and boredom of tedious days, to open windows to the world while reading to me in a big old chair, and to take my hand in prayer and cast away all the fears of my life. The touch of a mother’s hand and

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the power of a mother’s love indeed has carried me through many moments of my life.

As I look to the needs of children of today, I am convinced they need the same things from their mothers that I needed—and received—from mine. They need not only the gentle touch of a mother’s hands, but her focus and her attention on a daily basis. They need a champion and a cheerleader, someone who has the time and energy to give encouragement along life’s way and comfort in dark times. They need a directive voice to show them how to live.

These needs are not frivolous demands. They’re part of the way God designed children. And meeting those needs is not an option or a sideline for mothers, but part of his design as well. Perhaps because I was fortunate enough to have a mother who met my own needs so beautifully, God has put on my heart a desire to encourage other mothers by showing them the significant role they play in the life of their precious children—and by assuring them that their deep desire to devote time and energy to their families is a vital part of God’s call on their life.

For quite a few years now, my husband and I have been privileged to travel all over the United States and to other parts of the world, conducting seminars on the biblical vision of the family. Wherever we travel (usually with our children in tow), I meet mothers from so many stations of life—from stay-at-home moms and homeschoolers to professional career women, from sweet young moms pregnant with their first babies to older mothers trying to reach the hearts of their teenagers. Though the choices and circumstances of these women may be very different, their hearts and desires are basically the same—to do the best job they can at loving and nurturing their children and to bring meaning and continuity to the life and relationships in their families. They all want to be the very best parents they can. They want to do motherhood right.

And yet, increasingly, I find that these women are unsure of what it means to be a good mother. They are confused by a culture that sends them drastically mixed messages about the importance of a mother’s influence and what her priorities should be. As a result, so many mothers I meet are baffled and frustrated.

They don’t know how to reconcile these conflicting messages with the calling of God on their hearts and lives.

What’s the cure for this confusion? I believe it lies with a rediscovery of the traditional mission of motherhood, a rediscovery of what God had in mind

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when he first designed families. That fundamental design is still valid, although its specific shape in a given home may vary widely. And the fundamental mission of motherhood now is the same as it always was: to nurture, protect, and instruct children, to create a home environment that enables them to learn and grow, to help them develop a heart for God and his purposes, and to send them out into the world prepared to live both fully and meaningfully. It’s up to us to embrace that mission as our own, trusting God to walk us through the details and to use our willing mothers’ hands as instruments of his blessings.

It is my heart’s desire to encourage each precious mom who reads this book by affirming the significant role a mother plays in the lives of her children. I hope to remind moms of the value God places upon their lives and to help them respond wholeheartedly to his call on their lives. As we explore together what it means to cultivate a heart for God, a heart for our children, and a heart for our home, I will attempt to create a complete picture of how we are called to live as mothers, so that the integrity of our own lives will reflect the beauty of God’s original design.

I do not, however, consider myself to be a perfect mother. My aspirations and what I can idealize oftentimes far exceed my ability to live up to them in reality. Yet it is in being able to visualize the dreams of my heart and beauty of God’s design that I have found a standard of maturity to move toward.

As I reflect on my own life, I feel that I have learned so much—the hard way, by making many mistakes. Many moments of stress and struggle could have been handled so much more easily if I had had a wiser, older woman to shed light on my stages of life. It was through writers like Edith Schaeffer that I was encouraged and helped along my way. My hope is that in some way, I might be able to provide that same encouragement and inspiration.

But I’m still learning, and the lessons God has taught me as I sought to embrace his mission for motherhood have been truly life changing—and a source of unbelievable blessing. No matter what our culture tells us, I’ve discovered, and no matter what directions our own desire may push us, the only way to true joy and peace is God’s way.

May your heart be warmed, encouraged, and lifted as you read this book, and may God hold you in his own capable hands as you strive to fulfill the mission of motherhood in your own life.

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A Journey Like No Other Discovering the Mission of Motherhood But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

Give her the product of her hands, And let her works praise her in the gates.

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PROVERBS 31:30-31

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octurnal asthma was the mysterious name the doctors gave to define the severe condition my three-year-old had developed. Each morning within five minutes of 1:30, little Joy would wake up with spasms of coughing and wheezing, gasping for breath.

We had tried nebulizers that administered strong asthma medicines, natural and homeopathic medicines, and nutritional routes of healing. The one thing that seemed to work best, however, was a home remedy. After giving Joy her normal dose of medicine, I used the old “croup” method to calm her until the asthma medicine began working—I sat on a small stool in the middle of a hot steaming shower and cradled Joy in my arms. For distraction during these times, I often made up heroic “Joy” stories in which she rescued a small dog or bird, or helped a hurting child, or did some creative or thoughtful deed to encourage her friends or family.

We usually did this for forty-five minutes or until the hot-water heater was empty.

One such evening, at the end of our little ritual, Joy stood shivering outside of the shower with sopping wet hair and glassy brown eyes that looked like saucers in her sallow little face. She smiled at me with a thoughtful expression as I wrapped her in a large towel.

“Mommy! You know what? When I was growing inside your tummy, I always hoped and hoped that when I came out, I would have a mommy just like you who would take care of me when I was sick and tell me Joy stories!”

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In her own childish way, Joy articulated what I believe is a profound need of every child: to be loved, cherished, cared for, and protected by her very own mother, whose womb was her first home. And it’s not just a need but an important part of God’s design for shaping human beings according to his will.

The beautiful design of nature itself shows us that a child grows inside its mother’s body hearing the specific sound of her voice, comforted by the beat of her heart, intimately connected to her very being. Upon arrival into the world, the mother’s arms are her first cradle, and the mother supplies the first food and comfort and security. Because of the intimacy of that first relationship, the child’s heart is naturally open to the mother. Children automatically turn toward their mothers as their first source of protection, love, and spiritual, emotional, and mental support. This is all a part of the design of mother, child, and family as unfolded for us in the Bible—a design that, from the beginning, God pronounced as very good.

After a journey of eighteen years into motherhood, I can heartily affirm Joy’s profound thoughts and her deep desire to be cared for and loved by a mother who is committed to her care. I can confirm wholeheartedly that God’s design for the family is indeed very good. I have also come to believe that motherhood, while demanding, is one of the most fulfilling and meaningful roles a woman can fill.

But I didn’t reach these conclusions without a struggle. For me, it took years of personal search and study—as well as a lot of trial and error as a mother—to understand the importance of my role as a mother. In a sense, I think my journey parallels that of many other moms who are trying to understand their mission in the context of a culture that is deeply ambiguous about both mothers and motherhood.

Recently I took a trip to the East Coast. On the way I sat next to a woman who was a professor of physics at a prestigious California university. Obviously proud of being the only woman on the faculty in this department, she talked of her pleasure in her career—pleasure that was marred only by her desire to spend more time with her new baby. Just as she had started building her lab, she had given birth to a little girl. Even though her childcare arrangements were satisfactory, she still felt a need to be with her baby and to share the precious moments of her first year. “She’s just so captivating. I can’t resist being with her! But we’ve got a good nanny. So now I’m just trying to figure it all out.”

Coming back from Boston, I found myself next to another articulate young

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woman, this one a professor at Harvard University. After talking about some of the issues concerning families, she shared with me a little about her own broken family background. She also told me that she and her “partner,” the man with whom she had been living, had been involved in personal counseling for a year. “You see, I can’t explain it, but I have a deep longing to get married and to have a child. But I don’t think you can really have an intense career and still give a child all that he needs in life. My partner thinks that he and my career should be enough. But I feel a deep longing to have a child and be a family— to bring a sense of completeness to our lives. I even think I would like to get married.”

As I travel throughout the United States, Canada, and Europe, I continue to meet woman after woman who expresses the same needs and desires. Though many with whom I speak are not Christians, still they feel there is a design in their hearts for motherhood and family. They long to have a center for life—a home where love, marriage, and children are a part of the complete picture.

I am also amazed at the maternal instincts that women express over and over, in spite of their educational background, social status, or religious preferences. As I have been writing this book in early 2002, the United States is fighting a war against terrorism in Afghanistan, and the news often features scenes of Afghan refugees fleeing to Pakistan for protection and shelter. Even amid the poverty and danger, however, there are images of Afghan mothers holding their children close, gently and lovingly, and feeding them meager offerings of food—a poignant picture of mother love and sacrifice that transcends boundaries of culture.

Clearly, God has written motherhood in the hearts of women wherever they live. And he has written it in my heart as well. What a worthwhile journey it has been to rediscover the wonderful significance God prepared for me in motherhood when he gave me the gift of my children.

A M OT H E R’ S J O U R N EY

For thousands of years the view of motherhood described in the Bible was generally respected in Western culture. Motherhood was seen as a noble and important calling. Women considered themselves blessed to bear many children, and it was considered normal and good for home and family to be the central focus of a woman’s life. This is not to say that mothers were always well treated—after

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all, sin has been with us since the very beginning. But the office of “mother” was usually respected and revered, and it was generally assumed that entire generations were shaped during the time they spent at the mother’s knee.

By the time I became a mother, however, the American culture had dramatically redefined the role of motherhood, and the biblical model of motherhood no longer drove the imagination of culture. Somehow, over the course of the last century, traditional motherhood had become a lifestyle option—and to many, a lesser option—rather than a divine calling.

When I had my first child at almost thirty-one years old, I had not seriously considered the importance of motherhood in light of my whole life. I was thrust into the role and then realized that I needed to discover God’s perspective in my life. I had been raised in a traditional American home, where my father went to work and my mother stayed home to care for her children. My mother had left her job as a systems engineer with IBM to stay home with my brothers and me. As a child, however, I never considered the significance of her decision.

At school I had been taught to embrace a very different model of womanhood. Friends and teachers encouraged me to do something “important” with my life, which meant choosing a career and a type of work that would make the best use of my talents and personality. I could marry and have children if I wanted, but not at the expense of “fulfilling my potential.” Even many of my Christian friends and mentors managed to convey that being “just a wife and mother” would somehow be less than God’s best for me.

Because I had an enthusiastic, passionate personality, I looked forward to doing something meaningful with my life. By the time I graduated from college, I was ready to take on the world. I just knew God was calling me to serve him in dramatic, exciting ways. While I hoped that I would someday be married and I looked forward to having a life partner, I didn’t often think about having children. I had grown up as the only girl with two older brothers and had never even been around younger children very much.

The next few years were indeed exciting. I worked with women across the United States in the areas of leadership development and spiritual training. I moved to Europe and worked for three years behind the Iron Curtain, teaching and training young Christian leaders in four communist countries where Christianity was forbidden. I traveled alone or with another single woman into highly

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stressful and challenging situations. Eventually I moved to Poland to learn the language and train the first Eastern European staff women for the ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. We lived with these precious women, even though our presence was illegal and offensive to the secret police.

By the time I returned to the United States, I had been on my own for quite a while, and I was emotionally vested in my independent lifestyle. I liked keeping my own schedule, eating my own meals, buying lovely clothes that suited my speaking profession, and traveling whenever I wanted. I moved back to Denver, Colorado, where I spent two more years traveling and speaking. Finally, in my late twenties, I married Clay. We had been friends for almost eight years and had finally decided to spend our lives together. At this point, he was in seminary preparing for full-time Christian ministry.

I welcomed marriage and rejoiced in finally having a life companion and partner for ministry. I really looked forward to starting a family as well. But I was also fully entrenched in my own identity and independence and my work as a Christian speaker and leader. So two years later, when I became pregnant, I was filled with confusing, diametrically opposed feelings about my role as a mother.

One part of me was absolutely dreamy eyed about the prospect of having my own precious baby to love and care for. But I was also excited and scared and concerned about how this new development might change my life.

Conflicting advice from well-meaning friends further blurred my understanding.

One confidante told me, “The most important thing you can do with your life is invest it in your children. Their lives are more important than building a career!” And what she said certainly seemed to ring true in my spirit.

But other advisors assured me that I could handle the challenge of balancing children with career—after all, most of the mothers I knew were doing just that. One woman, an older missionary, even advised, “Don’t let your children control your life! You’ve got lots of gifts and messages and a ministry to share with the women of the world! It would be a waste of your time and experience to focus too much on your children and lose your ministry! Don’t have more children. It will take up too much time.”

Confusion and questions began to flood my soul. What is right? I love teaching women’s groups! I don’t want to lose what I’ve spent so many years developing!

And hasn’t God called me to this work? Don’t I have a stewardship—an obligation

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to continue in my ministry in order to help others? But I have waited so long to have a child. Shouldn’t this child have first priority in my life?

I simply couldn’t decide what I would do when my baby came. But I soon discovered that life has its own ways of helping us choose. What happened was that my tiny baby girl arrived and took my life completely by storm.

I had read every childbirth book I could find. After preparing perfectly through nutrition and exercise to have a natural birth, when I finally came to the hospital to deliver this baby, I was in for a shock. After twenty hours, two and a half of which she was stuck in the birth canal, Sarah Elizabeth Clarkson made her way into the world—tiny, beautiful, and with meconium-filled lungs.

She was immediately placed into intensive care. One of the neonatal nurses told me that babies with problems like hers often died of sudden infant death syndrome—not the words I needed to hear as a brand-new mother less than twenty-four hours after giving birth. I looked at this beautiful, bright-eyed baby girl, and suddenly nothing else in the world seemed important but caring for her and helping her to thrive.

Sarah was finally released from the hospital, and I delighted in her every moment. Her smiles that were reserved just for me; the way her tiny fingers patted my chest as she nursed filled my emotional cup. Watching when she seemed to dance on her back each time the musical toy played “You Are My Sunshine” convinced me that she was indeed the most intelligent, charming, and beautiful baby that had ever been born. I didn’t actually sit down at that time and think, This is it; I’m choosing traditional motherhood over my career. I simply wanted to be with my daughter as much as possible. I wanted to woo her, love her, care for her, and serve her and find joy in each moment that she required. So when opportunities arose to speak or to teach a women’s group, I was very selective and allowed my career to be a secondary choice.

Not long after Sarah was born, Clay finished seminary, and we moved to Austria to work in the international community of Vienna. By the time Sarah was two and a half, our second child, Joel, was born. Clay’s job allowed us to work with a wide variety of people—from diplomats to refugees, from opera singers to music students. I was also involved in the ministry, reaching out to the numerous people who visited our home frequently. But I was not actually employed, so I devoted most of my time to my children at home. Yet, in the process of taking care of my little ones, I often felt overwhelmed by the routine nature of my tasks.

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Before Sarah was five, I had three babies, had moved to Colorado and then to California, had lurched through hundreds of sleepless hours, and had coped with myriad asthma attacks and ear infections and respiratory problems.

Chronic exhaustion, a house that seemed perpetually messy, the inevitable stresses of moving so often, and days of “quality time” with little ones who were often fussy and demanding caused me to doubt my sanity! I began to realize that my mothering honeymoon was over and my confusion was back.

What had I gotten myself into? A challenging career suddenly seemed more productive to me because I could measure the results of my work. These precious little ones had endless needs. They were busy little sinful creatures who demanded all of my body, time, life, emotions, and attention! As much as I loved my children, I often felt like a failure. Surely someone else could do a better job with these precious ones than I. And what exactly was I supposed to be accomplishing anyway? Was I wasting my time? What had this husband, who professed to love me, done to me?

With overwhelming feelings of discouragement, multitudes of questions, and a deep-felt need to make sense of my life, I began to search for the answers to my questions. I read every book I could get my hands on about family, motherhood, and children. And although I found much that was helpful, my reading also seemed to heighten my confusion. I was amazed at how many conflicting and antithetical views of motherhood and womanhood itself I found even among my fellow evangelical Christians.

I finally decided that I needed to search the Scriptures to find out for myself just what God, the Designer himself, had in mind when he created the role of mother thousands of years ago. This search has been well rewarded. In fact, it changed my life. My personal study of biblical motherhood—which I’ll outline more fully in the next chapter—has helped me not only to realize that God has an important mission for mothers, but to embrace that mission as a source of deep joy and fulfillment in my own life.

C A L L E D TO M OT H E R H O O D?

God designed motherhood to be a deeply meaningful role. We mothers have the opportunity to influence eternity by building a spiritual legacy in the lives of our children. Through our teaching and influence, morality can be learned and

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modeled, love and kindness are taught and received, purpose and vision are ignited and passed on.

The real ability of a mother to secure such a spiritual legacy is based on the strength of her relationship with her child. As we tenderly care for our children, meeting their needs, teaching them and guiding them, praying for them and modeling our faith, we are also anchoring their hearts to our home, our values, and our beliefs. These ties are built over a period of many years, through the small ways we spend the minutes of our days and the large ways in which we celebrate the momentous events of our lives.

The mother who reaches the heartfelt needs of her children by helping them feel loved and secure, by believing in their dreams, by noticing when they stray and gently steering them back in the right direction, and by teaching them what they need to know to live full and meaningful lives accomplishes a great work for the Lord.

As I have thought about these issues for many years, I have come to picture the heart of each child as a treasure chest. Each chest is empty and needs to be filled with the riches of unconditional love, spiritual nurture, and the emotional heritage of family and traditions; with mental stimulation that comes from excellent sources of truth, morality, and inspiration; with a sense of physical and emotional security; and with guidelines for all of life, including purpose, relationships, and proper behavior.

Each child whose treasure chest is full will have abundant resources on which to draw in the midst of life’s demands. As a woman now pushing fifty, I realize that those foundational years in the life of a child—those same years when I sometimes thought I was accomplishing nothing—have a lasting effect on almost every aspect of the rest of that child’s life.

I can still hear my mother’s voice in my heart as I face different situations. I still have a need for a cheerleader who believes in me when I have failed, who will pray for me in the stressful moments of life, lend me money when I need it, and help me through times of difficulty with wisdom and perspective. A mother’s relationship with her child is one that will encompass a lifetime. How blessed is a child who has that anchor of strength and support.

And yet over the years I have come to realize something else about my role as a mother. As important as my role is, and as important as my children are, they are not to be the center of my life, and my central calling is not to motherhood.

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That would not only make for very selfish children, but it could even become a form of idolatry.

My calling as a mother is the same as any other Christian’s: to fulfill God’s will for our lives and to glorify him. This means I am to follow the Lord’s design for my marriage—cleaving to my husband, supporting him, honoring him, loving him as my own flesh. I am to be a careful steward of the world in which I live. I am to seek opportunities to bring God’s message of redemption to others, to make full use of the gifts and talents he has placed in my life to bring him glory and further his kingdom. And I am to delight in him and worship him and praise him in whatever circumstance I find myself.

But that’s just the point. Because God has blessed me with a husband and children, a part of his call to me is to follow his plan for families. And that means I am to shepherd the hearts of the children whom he has providentially placed in my care. I am to care for them tenderly and to partner with God and my husband in leading my children to know and love his Word and to follow his will.

This design doesn’t mean I have to lose myself in my children’s lives. On the contrary, following God’s design for living is the true key to finding myself—to becoming the person he had in mind for me all along. And saying yes to the mission of motherhood has certainly not meant giving up my ministry. To a great extent, it is my ministry.

I will grow into the kind of person God wants me to be as I live out my life in faith and seek to be faithful in my walk with God; as I nurture and honor my commitment to my husband and children and family and home; as I exercise my skills, training, and gifts toward those whom God has placed on my path; as I seek to give to the poor and minister to the needy and those in my neighborhood and church while living a life of bold faith in a great and wonderful God. At the same time, my children, in the context of walking with me through my life, will gain a clear model of how they can live as well.

This journey of discovering God’s design for motherhood has filled me with purpose, peace, fulfillment, and excitement. In fact, I have come to believe that being a mother encompasses all that is best within me. To embrace the mission of motherhood requires that I understand God and his design for life and can relate deep theological issues to the everyday minutes of my life. It requires that I become a mature counselor, ready at any moment to make decisions judiciously. It also requires that I develop skills in hospitality, nursing, intellectual

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prowess, diplomacy, leadership training, and more, and that I stretch my creativity to the max.

God’s design provides a completeness to the circle of life. Our family is a vital piece of the puzzle of his design that was intended to give all children the opportunity to be lovingly nurtured so they could live their own lives well. The mission of motherhood is strategic in providing the next generation with wholehearted, emotionally healthy, and spiritually alive adults. It is not simply a lifestyle choice. It is a divine calling that will indeed affect eternity.

I have heard others speak about the challenges and rewards of traditional motherhood. And I’ll have to admit there was a time when I would listen to such talk and feel it was just mothering rhetoric with little relevance to my life. Yet, as I have focused my vision and expanded in my own experience and confidence, I have come to see how true it is in my own life. I’ve learned that my influence on my children is limited only by the smallness of my dreams and my lack of commitment to the Lord and his purposes.

The scope of my mothering and my life lived for God’s purposes has expanded over the years as I have matured. As I have learned to go to God and listen to his voice, my goals for my family and for myself have grown bigger and grander.

This is especially true now that my children are entering young adulthood.

They are my best friends and closest companions. Expanding interests and broadening spheres of influence, coupled with increasing spiritual maturity and ongoing training, have developed my children into loving, vital people. Together we have learned to look at the world and say, “Lord, in the power of your Holy Spirit, what work do you have for our family this year? How can we expand your kingdom? How can we glorify you together?”

Life as a mother, in other words, is more exciting to me now than ever before—especially as I begin to see the fruits of my earlier labors. The foundations that were laid in my children’s lives, little by little, have given them the ability now to reach for the sky.

Each of my children, like Joy, has a built-in desire to have me fulfill God’s great call on my life for their sakes. How thankful I am that God showed me his path so that I can relax in each stage of childhood and find joy in my moments with my sweet ones, knowing that in my acceptance of his call, my children can rest in the peace and security of my commitment to them.

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/ F OR T HOUGHT AND R EFLECTION Something to Think About…

When Clay and I were a young married couple in Vienna, we went to a department store to purchase a simple computer desk. We found a “put it together yourself” model and enthusiastically attempted to jump into the project as soon as we got home. We dumped the pieces of wood and nails and screws on the floor and began to assemble it by intuition.

Pretty soon we realized that we were making a mess of things, but the directions for the project were in German, and we couldn’t read them. So we offered our trusty friend Klaus a home-cooked dinner in exchange for a translation.

Once we understood the instructions, we knew exactly how the pieces were designed to fit together to match the picture on the box. Our furniture soon stood complete.

God had a design in mind when he created the family. When we follow his instructions and design, we emerge as a productive, flourishing family. God’s Word gives us the instruction manual to his design. Consider these verses as you review your own philosophy of motherhood.

1. Psalm 127:1. In the Old Testament, the word house is often used to express the same concept as the English words family or home. What, according to this verse, is the secret to the success of a godly family? What will happen to the work of the house building if parents are not following God’s path?

2. Psalm 127:3. What does this verse indicate about God’s view of children?

When God blesses us with children, why does he consider it a reward?

How does this verse contrast with the prevailing view of children in contemporary culture? How does this compare to your own feelings about your children?

3. 1 Thessalonians 2:7. When Paul wanted to communicate how dearly he loved the people in Thessalonica, he used a picture of motherhood. What is the attitude or the heart of the mother reflected in his example? How does this picture compare to the way that you care for your children?

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4. Titus 2:4-5. What are the elements of responsibility that the older women are required to teach to the younger women? Why would this need to be taught? What does it mean to be a worker at home? In what ways do women who obey these standards keep from dishonoring the Word of God?

Something to Try… When the busyness of life and its demands cloud my vision for the priorities of my life, I often try to get away for a few hours so I can rethink what I am called to do with the moments and months and years of my life. A local five-star hotel offers an inexpensive refuge where I can go for a cup of coffee, a roll, and as much time as I want to sit and think and pray. Taking advantage of one of the beautiful lobbies around the hotel, I usually park myself in a quiet corner and spend several hours with my Bible, a prayer journal, a date book, and a pen. This time with the Lord helps me determine what to cut out from my life and what to add. It gives me a clear perspective on how to proceed with life. / Schedule a personal planning time to evaluate your own goals. Write down your goals for your family. Write down your goals for each child.

Consider how you are falling short of your goals. Plan specifically how you can do better and what you need to do in the next six months to move toward your goals. Then spend time in prayer, committing this plan to the Lord. / Put pictures of your family or favorite snapshots of the kids in a prominent place where you can see them during your prayer times. Use these pictures as a joyful reminder as you pray for your family or as you plan the priorities of your life. / Buy a blank book for each child. In each, write the story of the child’s birth and his or her first few months of life. Add to this journal each year on their birthday to document all of the ways they have grown and to highlight the special events that took place in their lives. You can either share these journals with your children as they grow or save them as a gift for their twenty-first birthdays.

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RAISING THE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT CHILD

by Boris Vujicic

B

oris Vujicic’s son, Nick, was born without arms or legs. Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child is the inspiring, powerfully transparent story of how two unprepared and overwhelmed parents–Boris and his wife Dushka–overcame their grief, fears, and badly shaken faith to raise such an accomplished, faith-filled, and perfectly imperfect son.

Through their stories, Boris offers practical advice and encouragement for all parents facing a “new normal” when raising a special needs or unique child. With transparency and tenderness, he addresses the spiritual, emotional, and financial challenges, as well as offering insight on how to equip a child for happiness and success in life.

BORIS VUJICIC is Chief Systems and Financial Officer for Attitude is Altitude, Inc., the organization established by his son, best-selling author Nick Vujicic.

Born in Yugoslavia, Boris immigrated with his wife, Dushka, and their children to Australia. They currently reside in Los Angeles.

WaterBrook Press • Hardcover • 978-1-60142-834-9 • 224pp. • $22.99/$29.99 Can. eBook: 978-1-60142-836-3 19

RAISING THE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT CHILD by Boris Vujicic

Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child Published by WaterBrook Press 12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921 This book is not intended to replace the medical advice of a trained medical professional. Readers are advised to consult a physician or other qualified health-care professional regarding treatment of their medical problems. The author and publisher specifically disclaim liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use or application of any of the contents of this book.

Scripture quotations or paraphrases are taken from the following versions: The ESV® Bible (the Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

Used by permission. All rights reserved. The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. The New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Hardcover ISBN 978-1-60142-834-9 eBook ISBN 978-1-60142-836-3 Copyright © 2016 by Boris Vujicic Cover design by Kristopher K. Orr; cover and insert photos courtesy of the Vujicic family All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

WaterBrook® and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Vujicic, Boris.

Title: Raising the perfectly imperfect child : facing challenges with strength, courage, and hope / Boris Vujicic.

Description: First Edition. | Colorado Springs, Colorado : WaterBrook Press, 2016.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015036781| ISBN 9781601428349 | ISBN 9781601428363 (electronic) Subjects: LCSH: Parents of children with disabilities—Religious life. | Parenting—Religious aspects— Christianity. | Child rearing—Religious aspects— Christianity. | Children with disabilities— Care. | Vujicic, Nick.

Classification: LCC BV4596.P35 V85 2016 | DDC 248.8/45—dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015036781 Printed in the United States of America 2016—First Edition 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Special Sales Most WaterBrook Multnomah books are available at special quantity discounts when purchased in bulk by corporations, organizations, and special-interest groups. Custom imprinting or excerpting can also be done to fit special needs. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@WaterBrookMultnomah.com or call 1-800-603-7051.

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Foreword by Nick Vujicic I was born without limbs, and my disabilities have brought many challenges, yet I’ve often said anyone who grows up without loving and supportive parents has far more to overcome than I did. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be.

My father and mother were always there for me. That’s not to say they coddled me or gave me everything I wanted. As my father notes in this wise and insightful book, my grandparents and others often wondered how my mother could not rush to help me as I struggled to stand as a toddler.

“Let him figure it out,” my mum would say. “He needs to do things for himself.”

I admit this approach sometimes annoyed me, especially when my parents required me to earn my allowance by vacuuming the house, cleaning my room, and making my bed. Then there were the many long nights Dad drilled me on math problems while my idle Nintendo games called me to come play.

I understand now that they were being good parents. They worked to instill a strong work ethic, personal responsibility, and a foundation of faith in me and in my brother and sister as well. They also told me nearly every day that there were no limits on my life. “You may lack limbs, but you can do anything you want,” they said.

Later my father and mother may have wondered if they were too successful at giving me the roots and wings to become an independent adult. At the age of nineteen, I announced plans for my first international speaking tour. I had arranged to travel to South Africa with the goal of giving away twenty thousand dollars in savings to needy orphans there. ix

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My parents strongly objected to this audacious plan, as you might imagine. They were concerned for my safety while journeying through a rugged part of the world in a wheelchair. And they were shocked that I would dish out my hard-earned nest egg at such a young age.

I reminded them that they’d always said there were no limits on my life, and every single night of my childhood they’d made sure I prayed and asked God to help the poor children of the world.

“You planted the seeds for this!” I said.

They were not amused, but they did not stand in my way. Mum and Dad are still sometimes taken aback by my big dreams and adventurous spirit, but they are always encouraging and willing to pitch in.

They are not perfect, of course, but to borrow from this book’s title, they are “perfectly imperfect.” The older I get, the more I realize the parental warnings and rules that bothered me in my teen years were actually signs of a caring mother and father preparing me for a productive and accomplished life.

Still, it is a little disconcerting to consider that my father has been proven right about nearly everything he cautioned me against, warned me to avoid, or emphatically told me not to do! There were so many times I thought he was dead wrong, but as it turned out, he was usually dead right.

My father always seems to be three steps ahead of me. I have this nagging feeling I will never catch up. Sometimes as a child I wondered if there was more than one of him or if he had superpowers. He juggled three jobs, started several churches as a lay pastor, and helped my working mum do all it took to raise a disabled daredevil and two other lively kids.

Yet whenever we needed Dad, he miraculously appeared.

This occurred on the night after I’d tried to drown myself in the bathtub and then told my little brother my plan to commit suicide before the age of twenty-one. My parents didn’t know about the suicide attempt, and neither x

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did my brother. But Aaron went to Dad and told him what I’d said about killing myself before I turned twenty-one.

My father came to my room and talked calmly to me. He offered assurance that mum and he loved me, that my brother and sister loved me, and that God loved me too.

Then my dad sat on my bed and gently stroked my hair until I fell asleep.

I will never forget that.

Oh, we do still bang heads because we are so much alike. We have the same intense drive and strong-willed temperament. He predicted that I will probably butt heads with my kids too. When we announced that Kanae was pregnant with our first child, he smiled and said, “Now you’ll see what it’s like to be a father.”

Once again, Dad was spot on. I tell my son Kiyoshi to pick up his toys.

I will one day make him do chores to earn his allowance. Already at night, I remind him to pray and ask God to help the poor children around the world.

Then I put my chin on his head and nuzzle him until he falls asleep. I hope he never forgets that.

Perfectly imperfect sons become perfectly imperfect fathers. I pray that I’m as good a parent as my mother and father. Still, I can think of one thing I will do differently with my son. When Kiyoshi comes to me at the age of nineteen and announces that he’s traveling to some faraway place to give all his savings to the orphans, I will say, “I’m coming with you!”

Thanks for everything, Mom and Dad. You prepared me for a ridiculously good life. You encouraged me to pursue a life without limits, and you showed me how to love without limits.

Kanae and I will do the same for our children.

Love, Nick

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One

The Perfectly Imperfect Child Accept, Love, and Learn from Your Unique Child

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M

y wife, Dushka, and I were excited and more than a little nervous. The prenatal tests had looked fine for the baby. There’d been no problems at all during this pregnancy. When the baby made it known that he was ready, my wife went to the delivery room with the doctor and nurses. I prayed while waiting for the call to join her, adding to the hundreds of prayers I’d offered up in the preceding months.

Dushka was a nurse and a midwife. She and I were well aware of the potential for problems in a pregnancy and during the delivery. So many things can go wrong. I’d often thought a normal birth is a miracle.

Since this was a first pregnancy, we knew the delivery might take a long time, and it did. Twelve hours of labor passed before the call came and I was allowed into the room. The first thing that struck me was the joy in my wife’s eyes. I shared her elation when I looked to the tiny form resting upon his mother’s chest: a baby boy with two arms, two legs, and a beautiful face.

He was a perfectly formed, beautiful child of God. Our first grandchild!

My beaming son, Nick, the proud father, was at the bedside of his wife, Kanae, the mother. It was a miracle! Nick was euphoric, so happy he seemed to levitate over his wife and newborn son, nuzzling them, kissing them, reassuring himself they were real—his own family at last.

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This was a moment Nick, Dushka, and I had hardly dared to dream about. We’d feared that because he had been born with neither arms nor legs, Nick would never find a wife or have a family. But within two short years, what had seemed impossible had become a reality. Nick had met and won the heart of a beautiful, soulful, and spiritual young Christian woman, Kanae Miyahara.

One year and one day after their marriage, their son Kiyoshi was born.

Taken

by

S urpriSe

Seven months earlier, Kanae and Nick had done their best to make the surprise announcement of her pregnancy memorable—and they certainly succeeded. We gathered at Nick and Kanae’s home for a belated Father’s Day party because Nick had been traveling. Our daughter, Michelle, was visiting, so she joined us for a wonderful dinner prepared by Kanae. After the main course, Kanae brought out a cake for dessert. We wondered at first if she’d lost her usual graceful touch as a decorator. Half of it was covered in blue icing. The other half was pink. We were clueless about the purpose of this color scheme. We took the cake but not the hint.

I didn’t even catch on to her little secret when Kanae asked, “Okay, Dad, do you want a blue slice or a pink slice?”

“Blue,” I said.

Dushka didn’t pick up on the hints either. In fact she didn’t want any cake at all.

I’d already started eating my blue cake when Kanae said with a laugh, “Well, obviously my hints didn’t work for you.”

I was way behind the learning curve as usual, but Dushka and Michelle screamed out, “You’re pregnant!”

The not-so-subtle symbolism of the blue-and-pink cake finally became 3

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clear to dull-headed Dad. I joined in the celebration of Father’s Day—the first time I had shared the holiday’s guest-of-honor role with my son, the father-to-be.

Our first Father’s Day together was truly one of the highlights of my life, and it was made all the sweeter by the emotional journey we had traveled with Nick through his childhood and into manhood. We’d had no idea that Nick would be born without limbs, and though doctors reassured our family time and again that it was not an inherited trait, we certainly were relieved when Kiyoshi was born with all the standard-issue appendages.

The arrival of our grandson washed away any lingering pain from the grief and fear we experienced when his father was born. Such a contrast between those two events in our lives. Such relief that God had a different plan for our grandson.

Yet by the time Kiyoshi was born, I’d come to have a much different view of what constitutes a perfectly made human being. My wife and I were lifelong Christians, yet we had each experienced a crisis of faith when Nick was born. We could not believe that a loving God would burden us with such a severely disabled child. Was He punishing us for reasons neither of us could fathom?

We would come to realize our reaction was very typical for the parents of a disabled child, but at the time we lacked perspective. We also lacked the power to look into the future and see what was in store for Nick, who eventually proved to be an incredible blessing, not only to our family, but also to millions around the world.

Wonderfully M ade With our limited vision, Dushka and I could foresee only struggle and anguish for Nick and for us. We were so wrong, of course. Our son and our 4

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experiences with him have enriched our lives beyond measure and taught us many lessons at the heart of this book. Nick gave us a new definition of the ideal child and a deeper appreciation for the complexity of our Father’s divine vision.

Nick taught us to find new meaning in the psalm that says we are “wonderfully made.” We came to see Nick as God’s beautiful creation, lovingly formed in His image. We lacked the wisdom, initially, to understand that.

We saw Nick as disabled rather than enabled. We could not grasp that his missing arms and legs were part of God’s unique plan for our son.

When people around the world see Nick, they understand immediately that he had to overcome substantial physical and emotional challenges. They can imagine what it must have taken to build such a positive and remarkable life as a speaker and evangelist who travels the world helping others and giving hope to all. For that reason, when Nick speaks to them with messages of inspiration and faith, they are moved and impacted in profound and lifechanging ways.

Dushka and I know now that Nick and Kiyoshi and all children are perfectly formed. It took us a long time to attain that knowledge. We went through many difficult days and nights to reach that enlightenment. The low points were deep. Yet all the pain and frustration we endured while parenting our remarkable son has only made his victories and achievements all the sweeter and more meaningful.

TWo V ery d ifferenT b irThS The arrival of a first grandchild is a special moment for every grandparent.

When I saw Nick place his forehead to that of his newborn son and nuzzle him for the first time, my soul soared. Nick’s birth was such a shock and so frightening. Kiyoshi’s was just the opposite—an incredibly blissful experience.

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Kiyoshi was born with a normal body and thus seemed perfect to all who viewed him. Yet just as we had no vision of the life Nick would create, we cannot foresee what God has in mind for our grandson. Will our “perfect” grandson be able to follow and surpass the achievements of his “imperfect” father? There are some big shoes to fill, but I don’t think that is really important. I want Kiyoshi to be happy and fulfilled according to his own desires and expectations.

What is important, I believe, is that we place no limits on our children.

We should not burden them with our expectations, because our vision is no match for that of our Creator. There is a tendency to think a glass can be either half empty or half full, but there is a third option—the glass is always full. It may not be full of a liquid, but what is not liquid is oxygen. We usually measure only what we can see. The truth of things is often hidden from us, like the invisible oxygen that fills the glass.

When Nick was born, his path in life seemed very steep. We failed to account for the human capacity to rise above and soar beyond. Beethoven gradually lost his hearing during the last twenty-five years of his life when he composed some of his most renowned symphonies.

He was disabled as far as his hearing, but he didn’t write from what he heard; he created music from the heart. Stephen Hawking has thrived in a forty-year career as a theoretical physicist and author despite being severely disabled and, eventually, paralyzed by motor neuron disease. In effect he has no arms, no legs, and only a shell of a body. Heart is what really matters. The strength of our spirits can overcome nearly any weakness of the body.

Over time our son revealed to us what we could not see when we looked at that limbless cherub in the maternity ward. He humbled us and forced us to open our eyes and our minds. Nick seemed incomplete at birth, but it was our perception that was flawed.

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fear V erSuS faiTh After Nick was born, Dushka and I had great trepidation—not only about his limitations, but also about our own. We did not feel at all capable of providing for the basic needs of such a child, let alone raising him to be a happy, self-confident, and high-achieving adult.

Certainly we have not been perfect parents to Nick or to our other two children, Michelle and Aaron. Dushka and I have our strengths, in particular our shared faith, but we were tested in every possible way while raising Nick.

The strength of our love for each other was tested many times, sometimes nearly to the breaking point.

Yet, with God’s help, we brought Nick to adulthood. I’d like to say we molded him into the man he is today. The truth is probably more that we succeeded in not ruining the man God created Nick to be. I readily admit, for example, that Nick found his purpose as an inspirational speaker and evangelist without any guidance or even much support from me. I didn’t see that potential in him, but I didn’t try to stop him once he believed it was possible. I’m very grateful for that.

I did suggest that he should have a backup plan, however, and I pretty much insisted that he get the education necessary to support that backup plan if he needed it. Nick didn’t thank me then, but he does now. I did it out of love, of course, and because it was our parental responsibility to guide Nick, sometimes blindly, sometimes with purpose.

We began our journey with Nick with a very narrow focus on what he lacked. Over time, though, that view changed because Nick seemed to find ways to do whatever he needed to do or figured it out with help from us.

Gradually our focus shifted away from what Nick could not do to what he could do. That simple shift in focus made a big difference in our feelings and our daily approach to parenting.

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Many parents whose children have severe disabilities seek us out when we attend events with Nick. Others write or e-mail us. Most of them give me more inspiration than I could hope to provide them. Still, just knowing that you are not alone and that others share your feelings and fears can bring solace and comfort. I am grateful for the opportunity to help other parents in any way possible. In that regard, being Nick’s father has brought many great rewards.

b leSSed

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In the spring of 2014, Dushka and I journeyed to Vietnam to attend a stadium event featuring Nick, who by that time was an internationally known best-selling author, inspirational speaker, and evangelist. With more than 7.5 million followers on Facebook, 350,000 on Twitter, and at least twenty-nine YouTube videos, many with one to four million views each, Nick has become one of the world’s most well-known and beloved disabled individuals.

Because of Nick, the parents of other disabled and special-needs children are drawn to us. They know we have been through what they are experiencing and have many questions, just as we did. When we began our journey with Nick, these questions kept us awake and trembling at night: • How will we keep this child alive?

• Will he be able to feed or dress himself one day?

• • • • • •

Is his mind damaged too?

How will we educate him?

Will our child ever have a normal life?

How can we help him be self- sufficient?

If we have other children, will they have the same challenges?

How do we explain his disabilities to him? To siblings? To other children?

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• How do we teach a child with so many challenges to love God and to know God loves him?

• How do we give this child hope and a strong spirit?

• How will we ever have the strength and resources we need to guide this child?

Dushka and I are humbled and often brought to tears by the stories told to us by other parents. Mostly, though, we are grateful for the opportunity to provide them with hope, as well as a model for raising a physically disabled child into an accomplished and well-balanced adult.

Nick often says that while he has never received the miracle he sought as a boy—to be made whole with arms and legs—God has put him in a position to serve as a miracle to others, to offer them inspiration and to encourage them in faith. My wife and I have been blessed in much the same way. We prayed for limbs on Nick’s behalf after his birth and for many years afterward. As you can imagine, we also prayed for wisdom, or at least someone to guide us in our efforts to parent a child facing a daunting future.

During Nick’s childhood, we never found other parents who’d raised a limbless child from birth, so the help and insight we sought did not come.

We had to figure it out ourselves through many trials and errors. Therefore, we are grateful to be able to give parents with disabled children encouragement, guidance, and practical advice based on our own journey.

b leSSingS b eyond b elief I reflected on that journey during our trip to Vietnam with Nick. In this country so different from any I’d ever known, I felt peace and gratitude as thousands of people cheered for their hero, our son. Dushka and I watched in wonder as members of the audience jockeyed for positions to take his photograph, to speak with him, to touch or hug him.

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For years after Nick was born, Dushka and I had allowed ourselves little hope for his future. I could not fathom that he would grow into such a strong and accomplished man, let alone a husband and father. Nick is proof that none of us are limited by our circumstances and that all of us can create meaningful, fulfilling, and joyful lives if we choose to focus on our gifts rather than on what we may lack. All of us are imperfect. All of us are perfect.

My son has written about those themes in his books, which have sold successfully around the world. My approach for this book is from a different perspective—a parent’s. My wife and I would never claim any special gifts for parenting. We were ill prepared in almost every way possible when Nick came along. We are both from immigrant families who fled religious persecution, so we do have some resilience and inner strength in our heritage.

Nick’s success as an adult, however, is all the work of our truly remarkable son and God’s incredible power. How wrong can a parent be? Well, it turns out I can be incredibly wrong, and this is true for all parents. We can all be blind to the potential of our children, even those kids born without disabilities. I have always considered myself a man of strong faith. I’ve served as a lay pastor and established churches. Yet when my son was born without limbs, I did not trust that God had a plan for him, one that would far surpass anything my wife and I could imagine.

Nick showed us the way. Even as a toddler, he taught us that his value and potential were beyond the reach of our limited vision. Our son is proof that through faith and determination, all things are possible. And Nick is not alone in proving this point.

As we observed on that trip to Vietnam and on many others with our son, Nick is a magnet for other disabled people. We’ve been overwhelmed and inspired by men, women, and children who have overcome incredible mental, emotional, and physical challenges to rise above and live beyond their limitations and circumstances.

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Though my wife and I once wondered if God was punishing us by giving us a child with no limbs, we have come to realize what a gift he is to us and to the world. Indeed, because of Nick we know for certain that Scripture is correct when it tells us that “all things are possible to him who believes.”

More than ever we understand that what is impossible to men is possible to God. Where once we were devastated, Dushka and I are now proud and honored to be the parents of Nick. We are thankful that God used us as guides and supporters for such a courageous, resilient, faithful, and loving person.

Our greatest gift through Nick, beyond any other—except maybe our grandsons, Kiyoshi and Dejan—has been the honor of serving as sources of hope, inspiration, and guidance to other parents of disabled children.

This book is meant to be useful for all parents who feel overwhelmed or underequipped, and especially those mothers and fathers who have special-needs or disabled children. The primary goal is to light a path to a brighter tomorrow so that you, in turn, can guide your child to make the most of life.

I encourage all parents to reject labels and to look instead into the hearts of their children. Teachers, physicians, and psychologists put labels on kids because that is what they know, but they don’t know what is inside the individual they have categorized as a slow learner, dyslexic, Down syndrome, disabled, or special needs.

We always fought any attempt to label or marginalize Nick because we wanted our bright and unstoppable son to have every opportunity to prove his value in the world. Subjective assessments, perceptions, and prejudices are illusory. All children have strengths and weaknesses, and they can surprise you in so many ways. Our duty is to nurture, encourage, and motivate them, and help them build upon their strengths.

Dushka and I know what it is like to carry the constant weight of guilt, 11

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frustration, and uncertainty that can accompany the birth of a child with special needs and disabilities. Our experiences with Nick taught us patience, flexibility, perseverance, and a depth of faith we’d never known before.

Teaching

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Another important point I want to make is that the key to raising any child into a successful adult is to provide that child with a role model for success.

As the classic Edgar Guest poem says, “There are little eyes upon you, and they’re watching night and day.” How you live is far more important than anything you say to your child. Children are very observant and will call you out anytime your actions do not match your words.

All children are ideally made for the lives God intended and created for them. Sin and evil can thwart the plans of God, so it is up to us to help our children find and fulfill those plans. The guidance provided in this book will include and build upon what Dushka and I have learned and shared along the way in these specific areas: • Understanding that all God’s children are perfectly made, and maintaining a positive and proactive approach to parenting special-needs and disabled children.

• Allowing yourself to grieve without guilt upon learning of your child’s disability.

• Moving toward acceptance and adjusting expectations without losing heart or hope despite dealing with the additional stress and costs of raising a special-needs child.

• Keeping an open mind, listening, and observing so that your child can teach you how to be the best possible parent.

• Learning to be your child’s best medical advocate and knowing the right questions to ask of professionals.

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• Making sure all your children receive the love and attention they need and deserve, because the siblings of special-needs kids often feel neglected, guilty, or obligated to be “superkids” for their overburdened parents.

• Choosing the best methods for educating your child and then dealing with the challenges that will come with any system or bureaucracy.

• Preparing your child for the world while also preparing yourself to let go, which includes building a strong emotional foundation for dealing with insecurities and bullying and which allows your child to make mistakes and experience failure in order to grow into the most self-sufficient and productive adult possible.

• Maximizing communication, seeking understanding, and spending time together as a couple and as a family to support each other and to nurture and love your child.

• Leaning on your faith. We have experienced the power of prayer in our marriage, and every couple parenting a child should feel free to ask for spiritual guidance and help.

Wherever Nick goes, his fans and supporters line up for hours to meet and hug him. In some cities, they’ve had to close down streets because so many want to just see him. We are often asked how we raised him to be such an optimistic, determined, accomplished, and faith-filled man despite the challenges of his disabilities. This book is my answer to that question.

After God, Nick deserves most of the credit. My son’s approach to life offers strong testimony to the power of faith and the human spirit. When your child is old enough to read and comprehend, I encourage you to introduce him or her to Nick’s videos and books. Let your child see that someone born with an imperfect body can grow into a man with a perfect purpose, a man who lives, as he says, “a ridiculously good life.”

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Take away T houghTs • Your child’s disability does not define the person he or she will become.

• Your first perceptions about raising your child will not be your reality. With time, the reality is often much more rewarding than you’d thought.

• Often what seems at first like a great burden proves to be an incredible gift.

• Know that many other parents have gone through this. Seek their advice and counsel at every opportunity.

• You know only what you have experienced in the past; embrace what you are about to learn.

• Have faith that you will find the strength and support you need if you remain open to them.

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FINALIST FOR THE CHRISTIAN RETAILING’S BEST AWARDS

IN THIS HOUSE, WE WILL GIGGLE by Courtney DeFeo

A

s a mom in the throes of parenting, Courtney DeFeo believes that instilling virtues in children starts with laughter, not lecture.

That perspective propelled her to create this idea-packed book, in which she offers motivating reflections, real-life stories, and a sandbox full of inventive ways to help you turn your kids’ hearts toward God. Each chapter focuses on one virtue that is key for developing your child’s character. Along with insights into how this virtue plays out in the nitty-gritty of life, Courtney includes a memory verse, activity ideas, and discussion questions to reinforce that virtue throughout the month.

Ultimately, In This House, We Will Giggle shows you how to capture the hearts of your children through fun. (Water balloons not included!)

COURTNEY DEFEO is a popular blogger and the creator of ABC Scripture Cards. A graduate of Auburn University, she has a background in marketing and public relations. Courtney and her husband, Ron, are the parents of two young girls.

WaterBrook Press • Trade Paperback • 978-1-60142-606-2 • 256pp. • $14.99/$17.99 Can. eBook: 978-1-60142-607-9 39

IN THIS HOUSE, WE WILL GIGGLE by Courtney DeFeo

In This House, We Will Giggle Published by WaterBrook Press 12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. Scripture quotations marked (msg) are taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (nasb) are taken from the New American Standard Bible®. © Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked (nkjv) are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (nlt) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Trade Paperback ISBN 978-1-60142-606-2 eBook ISBN 978-1-60142-607-9 Copyright © 2014 by Courtney DeFeo Cover design by Kelly L. Howard All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, New York, a Penguin Random House Company.

WaterBrook and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House LLC. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data DeFeo, Courtney.

In this house, we will giggle : making virtues, love, and laughter a daily part of your family life / Courtney DeFeo. — First Edition. pages cm Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-1-60142-606-2 — ISBN 978-1-60142-607-9 (electronic) 1. Christian education— Home training. 2. Christian education of children. 3. Laughter—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Families—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.

BV1590.D44 2014 248.8'431—dc23 2014021156 Printed in the United States of America 2014—First Edition 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Special Sales Most WaterBrook Multnomah books are available at special quantity discounts when purchased in bulk by corporations, organizations, and special-interest groups. Custom imprinting or excerpting can also be done to fit special needs. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets @WaterBrookMultnomah.com or call 1-800-603-7051.

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Joy

When the Reality of Life Meets a Heart of Gladness memory Verse for the month A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:13

Four families with eight kids in one house can get very loud, very quickly. On this particular day, as giggles, squeals, and the occasional shouts of “Mine!� echoed through the rooms, I could see growing tension on the faces of the other moms. Our shallow breathing and tight voices suggested a tinge of panic. The house held a lot of tiny people to keep happy and entertained for a long weekend.

As the official hostess, chronic control freak, and

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veteran people pleaser, I took charge of the situation and headed straight for the CD player. I caught the eyes of my best friend Katie as I moved through the sea of chaos and kids. She knew it was time to do what we do best: create joy. I pressed one finger on the magical triangle-shaped Play button, and familiar praise tunes blared through the house. Eight squabbling, wild kids joined together for one large dance party. Four sets of parents met in the kitchen to provide an approving audience.

Frowns turned to smiles. Stress vanished. Hands clapped. Hips and feet bebopped. Moods lifted. Giggles erupted. Families worshiped.

Joy had transformed the scene, as it always does.

Joy to You and Me

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When I asked my Facebook friends “How do you infuse joy in your home?” I was not surprised that the most popular answer by far was “music.” From the seven dwarves sings to y a W ing “Whistle While You Work” to Matt Redman’s lyrics “Though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name,” O u he music’s power to bring joy into challengtt ing situations is something we’ve all exFamily Chase. perienced. I have the Pandora app (free Pretend you’re a version) playing on my phone every day family of gorillas. for this very reason.

But true joy, the kind we want for our families, goes much deeper than singing and smiles. Kay Warren once observed, “Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be all right, and the determined choice to praise God in all things.”2 Her words describe exactly what I want to see in my household. They

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remind me how the psalmist declared of God, “Let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you” (Psalm 5:11).

The joy you and I are aiming to instill in our families this month and for years to come is rooted in our firm belief in God’s protection, no matter our circumstances. Here’s a brief definition to use with your kids:

Joy: choosing to praise God in all things

I love that this definition covers three points I am trying to teach my kids about joy: (1) it is often a choice, (2) praising God recognizes that He is our source, and (3) “all things” means every circumstance—the good and the bad.

House of Joy I am so thrilled to start this book with joy because I truly desire for my kids to fall in love with Jesus Christ. I am creating a home that shows them the pure joy of living in His love. I pray that memories of joy are etched deep in the hearts of my kids. There is certainly a place for fear of God and biblical correction, but does the Creator of the universe delight in His children? You’d better believe it! Is He the only one who can fill them with true joy? a greater joy than this world can ever offer them? Yes! And we, as parents, provide their earliest impression of His greater joy.

John Piper beautifully explains the source of greatest joy.

The greatest joy is joy in God.… Fullness of joy and eternal joy cannot be improved. Nothing is fuller than full, and nothing is longer than eternal. And this joy is owing to the presence of God, not the accomplishments of man.3

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We are the role models of this joy for our children. We greet them in the morning and tuck them into bed at night, and as we stand beside them through all the hours in between, we face the choice of whether or not we will demonstrate joy, along with the other virtues discussed in this book. While we’re going to look at some fun activities for centering our families on true joy, I believe God most often works on our families by working first through our hearts, our marriages. Then as our kids see His priorities play out in real life, they absorb those lessons naturally. Our kids will catch this joyful bug by what they see in our homes each day. The choices we make when dad gets fired or when a friend gets the car we wanted. From the big to the small reactions, they are watching.

Of course our desires and intentions are one thing. But what happens when our kiddos wake up and need “milk and a waffle, Mom!” within thirty seconds of peeling their little lion heads off the pillow? How does a heart of joy meet the reality of life?

The Not-So-Joyful Reality As a parent, you likely have experienced pure joy to the point of elation with your children. But you have also experienced the most frustrating days of your life. I suspect most of us find parenting far more stressful and harder than we ever imagined. This stress—and the daily, often hourly, need to correct and corral these busy young people—often undermines our desire to create a home full of joy and love. We don’t expect perfection, but we’d prefer that peace and smiles and happiness outnumber the moments of arguing and complaints and pouting. We don’t want to take the easy route to happiness, paved with brownies and bribes; we want our children to experience the fullness of joy found in the love of Jesus Christ.

So what’s holding us back?

My brother, Drew, a pastor in Atlanta, recently challenged me in one

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of his messages: “Don’t you think Christians should be the happiest, most joyful people around? Why are we so upset?”

Wow. I sat with this question for a while. We have so many reasons to be joyful, and we can start with the fact of eternal life. I believe joy is given by God and is something He wants our families to experience together. When I think of the never-ending list of blessings He has given me, joy fills my heart and I feel compelled to praise Him. Why can’t I operate from this place of gratiWays tude every day?

60 The truth in Drew’s message matches the desires of my heart. I ut should be able to respond in all t h e Gi Balloon circumstances with joy simply Couch Volleyball. because I am a child of God. That Blow up a balloon for is something to celebrate. Howa game of volleyball, ever, when milk spills on the floor and use the couch as for the third time or I find another your net, with memsmelly load in the washer I forgot bers of the family on to change or I hear “Mine!” and each side.

“She hit me!” echoing from the playroom, my reaction isn’t immediate joy and smiles as I contemplate my blessings. It is too often a huff, a puff, and a not-so-gentle response.

Both parents and kids struggle when it comes to choosing joy despite life’s little—and big—disappointments.

Just this morning, we had an all-out war at 7 a.m. because I said no to my youngest, Larson, about wearing flip-flops to school. Those are the rules, kid; no flip-flops. She wasn’t accepting that answer. Crying, screaming, falling on the floor. When I sent her back upstairs to find a pair of shoes, she resorted to comparing me with her sister, yelling, “You say no

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to everything! Ella is the nicest person ever! And she says yes to everything!” Alrighty, then. I was highly annoyed. And the day had barely started.

In that moment I decided to make a choice for joy in our home. First, I simply started singing as loudly as I could, “‘I’ve got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart.’ Where?!” My goal was to shock her out of a tantrum and release my anger in the form of a happy tune instead of yelling. Next, I challenged the girls to a funny-face contest. They had to pop out from behind the wall and make the s Way to funniest face they could dream up. We were all giggling in minutes. Larson definitely won the funny-face contest.

O u he That kid is hysterical. She forgot about tt the flip-flops until we got to the car.

Best Costume When she asked again, I stood my Contest. ground and gave her two options. She Let kids dress up said, “Okay, Moooommm” (drawn out in their parents’ to four syllables and delivered with clothes and teenager-like facial expressions). Off we accessories. went to school.

I’m not always this quick to shift the mood, but I am getting better at not allowing the waves of life to send me crashing. I want to stand firmly on the foundation of God’s love and my identity in Him. I am so thankful God has heard my pleas and is helping me learn to keep my perspective and choose gratitude. I do not want to leave a legacy of yelling and snapping. I want my kids to hear me giggle about spills and brush off bad days. I want them to see me have a frustrating moment, apologize, and keep moving forward. The not-sojoyful reality of life confronts us every day. Our kids face it too. Their shiny red balloon escapes into the air, or their favorite friend declares,

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W hen the Realit y of Life Meets a Hear t of Gladness • 19

“No! I don’t want to play with you.” Life is tough, for our little ones and our teens, and those lips will sometimes poke out.

In these moments we can be their very best cheerleaders and guide them back to our source of joy. We can continue to remind them that the pursuit of happiness will leave them with an empty heart. The happiness promised by the things of this world is always fleeting. The pursuit of joy found in Christ fills our souls. It is eternal and everlasting.

Breaking the Cycle I have to confess, I am not a naturally joyful person. My husband, Ron, on the other hand, exudes joy. I often wonder how the Queen of Moods managed to marry Santa Claus. Seriously, I wake up every day next to the jolliest man on earth. By 7 a.m., this man is skipping through the kitchen, hugging cranky children, and dancing to his own beat. Meanwhile, I’m scowling my way toward the coffeepot and groping for a mug. And this is not just an early morning thing. When we visit Walt Disney World (a happy bonus of being local residents), he is whistling and ready to close the park. I am melting down by noon. Every time.

The good news is, I’m learning to be aware of when I need to make an adjustment toward joy. I’ve come to realize that I am the CMO— Chief Mood Officer—in our home. When I am annoyed and uptight, the whole family is on edge. If I am stressed, everyone is stressed. Sure, the kids’ fighting or lack of sleep or something else may be at the root of my mood. But I’ve discovered it doesn’t really help to figure out who caused what. I just need to break the cycle.

As CMOs of the house, we moms have some amazing superpowers.

We carry delight and joy in our very fingertips and eyes. Our children crave our love, touch, and approval. They want to know we see them and we love them even when things are going downhill. If the mood in the

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house is tense, we can assess if it’s because we ourselves are too busy, too stressed, too critical, or too tired. Often bringing in joy is as simple as scooping up a little one to give him a heartfelt hug or smile and word of affirmation. You can almost see the life come right back into his heart. As adults we get the same feeling of affirmation from our heavenly Father during our prayer time and time in His Word.

Have you seen true joy up close and personal? I will never forget the morning I saw true joy, and I wanted s Way to it. I had recently moved to Orlando from Atlanta, and this new friend came over for a play date. Nikki’s two O u he little kids were running around in the tt playroom with my girls. Ever atDaddy Disco. tempted a mom conversation while Play an old ’80s kids run wild? I was basically watchtune, and pull out ing and waiting to pounce on mine your craziest dance for a “bad friend” infraction or “don’t moves for the kids. embarrass your mother” moment. I don’t think I had looked my girls in the eyeballs that entire morning. I was probably making sure my house looked abnormally perfect for my guests.

And then I noticed Nikki do something incredible. Her daughter Madison came running from across the room, so excited to show her something. Nikki didn’t rudely interrupt me, and she didn’t do an arm block or wave her daughter away to play. She simply took a few seconds and literally beamed ear to ear with her child. She got face to face with her, grabbed her cheeks, and heard that angel’s precious story. It froze me.

Here’s what I saw: pure joy, simply because that child belonged to her and loved being in her presence. Don’t you think that’s how our Father probably looks at us? Isn’t that the face we want our kids to remember?

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ten Ways to Break a Bad-mood Cycle Here are a few ways I’ve found to give our household an infusion of joy.

1. tickle attack. Chase down someone and tickle until belly laughter erupts.

2. Play hide-and-seek. This old-school game works every time.

3. Cuddle up and read a Book. Take turns with a timer if you have multiple kids.

4. Funny-Face Contest. Have them start behind a wall and jump out.

5. Dance Party. Burn a CD of your go-to tunes to have on call for when moods start to spiral down.

6. encourage someone. Loving on others takes the focus off us and replaces crankiness with compassion.

7. Change scenes. We often jump in the car for a sweet-tea run for Mom or walk to a playground to get our smiles going.

8. indoor tag. Let them chase you around the house.

(Consider earplugs for high squealing.)

9. Play. Crazy concept, but making time to play with them or style a crazy hairdo for them is a surefire joy starter.

10. Listen. I take turns asking them questions from silly to insightful. (What made you happy? What would you do if…?)

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22 • Joy

g gles

B ri n

g

Gi

• 60

•

I have to be brutally honest here. Sometimes the lack of joy in our home is only because I am dealing with a trial. If my jeans don’t fit or I’m behind on a deadline, things are tense. That might just be life, but I don’t believe it is acceptable to carry s Way to on this way. I want to recognize when my own issues are trickling into the moods in the home and the way I O u he handle my kids. They are just playing tt mom’s loudly or giggling like kids, and now soprano solo. suddenly they are in trouble because I Sing the menu for cannot find an e-mail or I lost somethe evening in an thing again. operatic style.

Some days I need sufficient caffeine to break the bad-mood cycle.

Sometimes I need to get honest about my busyness and create room to breathe and do only the things God actually called me to do. Sometimes I need that text from a friend reminding me to get in my Bible. Time with God always sets my mind straight on my many blessings and brings me back to a biblical perspective. Sometimes I just need to smile even in the midst of a hard day. Often, I need to literally count my blessings.

5

Joy Begins in Our Hearts Have you ever met a kid who is always joyful? One who always smiles when told to set the table and who pleasantly heads to bed at the first gentle reminder? Me neither. Whether driven by hunger, the need for a nap, or the desperate desire to find the right color socks right now, most kids can go from mellow to meltdown in three seconds or less. Just seeing a sibling get attention or approval can set off a chain reaction of jealousy

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and whining and decidedly unjoyful behavior. So we have to brace ourselves for reality. I have been claiming “she’s teething” for about seven years every time my oldest acts ugly in public.

Please note that you do not have to change who you are or try to alter the God-given personalities of your children in order to pursue the virtue of joy. Some of us are naturally melancholy rather than exploding extroverts. Your personality and your child’s were designed by the Creator of the universe in His image. But God also designed us to experience the deep joy that comes when we make the choice to rest in the assurance of His love.

We need to know, and we need to teach our kids, that God is in control, no matter the circumstances. Security fuels joy, not bubbly personalities.

For adults, this means choosing joy when there still isn’t a raise or promotion, or when your best friend lost weight again and you gained, or when you face incredible loss. For our children, it’s choosing joy when your best friend is in the other class or your sister gets a big recognition or you didn’t make that team.

This may sound simple, but living with a greater joy takes practice.

For me, the practice includes praying, spending time in God’s Word, and writing down His blessings in my prayer journal. I have to text with a friend and eventually get grounded in truth and biblical perspective.

Sometimes I simply flip through family photos to remind myself of all that I have and shift my focus off all that I don’t have. For my kids, I have to lead by example. I have to walk them through the tiny frustrations to life’s biggest trials and keep pointing them back to our greater joy. I have to help them giggle after a quick fall and celebrate a friend with a card when the other person won that race or award they had hoped for.

I’m not suggesting we become plastic people with no negative emotions. It’s good to show our kids how to work through sadness or disappointment. The danger is when trials come and we continue complaining

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24 • Joy

Catch Phrases for

Joy

The language we speak in our home helps underscore the truths our children will carry with them through life. In each chapter, I’ll include some catch phrases you can weave into everyday conversation to reinforce the virtue you are focusing on with your family. Warning: if used often enough, these might be the very phrases your kids will repeat when they are old. Don’t you sometimes catch yourself quoting your parents? “My mom always said…”

Here are some catch phrases to redirect attitudes and highlight the virtue of joy.

Joy is a choice every day.

Jesus Christ is the source of our joy.

I have delight in my soul because I am a child of God. Let’s praise Him in all things, even when things don’t go our way.

Great friends do not steal joy; they celebrate others (even when life doesn’t go our way).

Your happy heart shows on your cheerful face.

Joy spreads through our family and then out into our community.

Yes, that is disappointing, but ______________ (insert something to thank God for).

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or arguing or whining or waiting in a season of anger. Instead we want to take the opportunity to choose joy.

Life is busy and life is hard, but I will fight the pull to be dragged down by my moods. I will pray the source of my joy carries me through and reminds me to praise Him in all things. I can do this; you can do this. If we try one month of infusing joy in the hearts of our kids and in each room of our home, cheerful faces are headed our way.

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Teaching

Joy

Memory Verse for the Month A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:13

Virtue Definition for Memorization Joy: choosing to praise God in all things

Read in The Jesus Storybook Bible “Get ready!” page 170. God’s people return from being slaves, based on Ezra 7; Nehemiah 8–10; Malachi 1; 3–4. (For family Bible time, consider adding joy with a surprise location—an inside picnic, in a fantastic fort, or over a campfire eating s’mores.)

Questions for Discussion

• •

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Is joy a choice or a feeling?

Does joy have to do with your circumstances or surroundings?

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• • • • • • • • • •

What is the ultimate source of joy?

Share a story of a friend or family that has chosen joy during tough times.

Name a joyful family that embodies this virtue.

How could we share Christ through joy in the next month?

Have you ever had someone steal your joy? How did that feel?

Is there a special event coming up we can help celebrate for a friend?

What happens when you don’t feel joyful?

What happens as a result of our joy?

When do we have the most joy as a family?

What is one thing we can do together as a family this month to choose joy?

Pray

Use our memory verse to pray over and with your family. For example, Lord, I pray we will be a family of happy hearts. We want our faces to become cheerful because of the choices we make with our hearts. We want our joy to shine so that people know our joy comes from knowing and trusting You. Thank You for how much You do for our family; it gives us so much joy. We love You. Amen.

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28 • Teaching Joy

Activity: Joy Field Journal For this month, you are a family of scientists. Your field journal has one goal: research joyful people. At school, at church, at the grocery store, and definitely at home. Your goal is to examine others closely to identify joy.

Supplies

❏ ❏

journals (one per family member)—make some at home, or pick any small notebooks or journals costumes—anything from detective gear to a scientist jacket and goggles; get geared up to closely examine those with joy

How This Works You are on the lookout for joyful people.

• Count them. How many friends at school were joyful just because? Or during a tough day, they still had a smile?

What about teachers? What about mom and dad? Did you see anyone at the grocery store? the park? How about the mail carrier?

Draw them. Field journalists sketch their subjects. Draw • these people, and add labels or conversation balloons. Did they have smiles? Or was there something else? Did they use hugs to show their joy? Did they speak words of encouragement to alert you that they were joyful? Did they sing songs? What did they look like? act like? Draw details in your journal to help you remember.

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•

Analyze them. Make notes and questions. Are they happy or joyful? Is joy contagious? Did you see it spread at school or at home from one person to another?

This is a family project. Ideally, family members will each keep their Joy Field Journal with them all month long so they can make notes as they notice joy happening around them.

Then set aside a regular time to share and discuss your observations, perhaps every Sunday evening around the dinner table.

Additional Discussion Questions 1. How does a person’s joy affect others around her?

2. Do all joyful people look and act alike?

3. Did you notice a friend who is facing a trial but is choosing joy?

4. How can you tell if someone is joyful by our definition of “choosing to praise God in all things”?

5. Were some of these people just happy people? Were you able to find some who had joy because of the Lord? What is the difference?

Further Instructions Mom and Dad, be sure to immediately point out and affirm joy in your own kids on the spot! It can certainly come up in the weekly discussions, but immediate positive reinforcement is necessary for helping your children recognize the virtue of joy.

Don’t forget to write the virtue definition and memory verse in your journal!

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3 0 • Teaching Joy

Optional Activities Plan one family activity or outing that makes your family joyful when you are together. Let each family member share some ideas.

Read & d iscuss scriptures on joy: Romans 15:13; Galatians 5:22–23; James 1:2–3; 1 Peter 1:8–9. encouRage Write a letter to one family or person who embodies this virtue.

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SAFE HOUSE by Joshua Straub, Ph.D.

P

arenting isn’t rocket science, it’s just brain surgery. And Dr. Joshua Straub has good news for you: You can do it!

You don’t need to do all the “right” things as a parent. Both science and the Bible show us that the most important thing we can provide for our kids is a place of emotional safety. In other words, the posture from which we parent matters infinitely more than the techniques of parenting.

Emotional safety—more than any other factor—is scientifically linked to raising kids who live, love, and lead well. Learn how to use emotional safety as a foundation from which you parent—and make a cultural impact that could change the world!

JOSHUA STRAUB is cofounder and president of The Connextion Group, assistant professor at Liberty University Online, and serves on the teaching team at Woodland Hills Family Church. Josh and his wife Christi reside in Nashville, Tennessee, with their two children.

WaterBrook Press • Trade Paperback • 978-1-60142-789-2 • 224pp. • $14.99/$19.99 Can. eBook: 978-1-60142-790-8 59

SAFE HOUSE by Joshua Straub, Ph.D.

Safe House Published by WaterBrook Press 12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version, copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (hcsb) are taken from The Holman Christian Standard Bible®, © copyright 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Scripture quotations marked (kjv) are taken from the King James Version. Scripture quotations marked (msg) are taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (nasb) are taken from the New American Standard Bible®. © Copyright The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995.

Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org). Scripture quotations marked (niv) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan.

All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

Trade Paperback ISBN 978-1-60142-789-2 eBook ISBN 978-1-60142-790-8 Copyright © 2015 by Joshua Straub Cover design by Kristopher Orr; cover photography by Sergio G. Cañizares, Getty Images All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

WaterBrook® and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Straub, Joshua.

Safe house : how emotional safety is the key to raising kids who live, love, and lead well / Joshua Straub, PhD. — First Edition. pages cm ISBN 978-1-60142-789-2 — ISBN 978-1-60142-790-8 (electronic) 1. Child rearing—Religious aspects— Christianity. 2. Parenting—Religious aspects— Christianity. 3. Families—Religious aspects— Christianity.

4. Mental health—Religious aspects— Christianity. I. Title.

BV4529.S875 2015 248.8'45—dc23 2015018773 Printed in the United States of America 2015 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 Special Sales Most WaterBrook Multnomah books are available at special quantity discounts when purchased in bulk by corporations, organizations, and special-interest groups. Custom imprinting or excerpting can also be done to fit special needs. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@WaterBrookMultnomah.com or call 1-800-603-7051.

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Can Parenting Really Be This Simple?

Safe House: (n): a dwelling that is a safe place for taking refuge.

— Dictionary.com

T

he world can be very unsafe. Our homes shouldn’t be.

Especially for our kids.

I have fond memories of my childhood. I’m sure there were unsafe moments, but nothing I vividly remember. My foundation for safety was pretty well set.

Until Monday, July 9, 1990. That’s when the cracks in our home’s foundation were exposed and our Safe House began to crumble.

We had just returned home from our annual family vacation in Wildwood, New Jersey. From my ten-year-old perspective, all seemed normal on the trip. Ice cream on the boardwalk. Football with my dad on the beach. Hours of riding in waves with my eight-year-old sister. I didn’t want to go home.

As the next morning came, I was groggily awakened to the sounds of crying outside my bedroom. I felt my body sink further into the mattress as my mom entered the room and sat on the bed next to me. My weeping little sister followed right behind her.

I lifted my head to check the time. With my glasses on the nightstand beside me, I squinted through my extremely poor vision to see a blurry 6:04 a.m. lit dimly on the clock.

Breaking me out of my foggy half-sleep, my mom looked at me and said, “I’m moving out today. Do you want to go along with me or stay here with your dad?”

I felt immediately numb. Even in my stupor I knew exactly what was happening.

The tears welled up. With a shaky voice I asked, “What’s Jenna doing?”

“She’s going with me.”

Through the sniffles, I quickly made up my mind. “Then I want to stay here with Dad.”

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W hy Emotiona l Sa fet y—a nd Your Stor y—Mat ter

I didn’t know how to process what had just happened. What child would? Rarely had I seen my parents fight. For goodness sake, we just returned home from a wonderful vacation—or so I’d thought.

Waking Up to a neW Story Denial can be such a wonderful thing—until you’re awakened from it. For another thirteen years, 20/2000 vision didn’t describe just my eyesight; it unknowingly became a metaphor for my emotional insight as well.

I failed to face the pain of my parents’ divorce. I was the fixer in the family, and everybody came to me for answers. So as far as I was concerned, I had it together.

Besides, I didn’t see my parents fight. My stepfather became one of the biggest influences in my faith journey. My dad, stepfather, and I would even hang out together occasionally. If anybody had reason to believe their situation was an exception, it was me.

I honestly believed I came out unscathed.

Then it all came crashing down. The emotional wounds from my parents’ divorce began to surface in my own relationships. Two years of counseling ensued. In that time I learned one principle—the past is not your past if it’s affecting your present. I began to realize that one of the greatest dangers to my future family was my own unresolved baggage. That’s when I made the decision to begin rewriting my story—and rewiring my brain without even knowing it.

Writing oUr parenting S cript Our homes reflect our story. For some, that story is defined by brokenness. For others, it’s defined by love, laughter, and joy. For most, it’s a blend of the two.

The beauty of it all is that no matter our story or family background—good, bad, or ugly—we have 100 percent control in writing a new script. And it’s a good thing too.

Research shows that as parents we’re the ones writing our children’s story—and wiring their brains as well. That’s both a powerful and scary realization. Especially considering that most of us parent the way our parents raised us, for better or for worse, oftentimes without even realizing it.

Have you ever considered what kind of story you’re writing for your children? Or

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what effect your story is having on those little ones you love most? It’s a story you’ll want to begin writing down. (We’ll do this together in the next chapter.)

In spite of my parents’ divorce, I have a dad who loves me unconditionally. Whether I went four-for-four at the plate or zero-for-four at the plate, whether I pinned my opponent in thirty seconds or got pinned in thirty seconds, I knew my dad was there for me. I can count on one hand the number of wrestling matches my dad missed throughout my seven years of wrestling, most because he couldn’t get off work on time.

Because my dad chose to rewrite his story.

My grandfather (his dad) left my grandmother when my dad was twelve. His dad wasn’t there for him very much. As a truck driver he was always on the road. Though he loved my dad, he was generally unavailable to him. My dad recognized it enough to rewrite his own story and intentionally become emotionally and physically available to my sister and me growing up. Today, my dad’s rewritten story impacts our own parenting journeys.

BUilding yoUr S afe HoUSe Thankfully, you’re a parent who’s passionate about the emotional and relational dangers coming against our children. Being aware now of these dangers makes it possible to be proactive about building a Safe House so that years later we’re not fighting against the tide of rebellion, distance, and irreversibly poor choices. This doesn’t mean they won’t rebel or make mistakes, but it does mean we’re setting ourselves up— biblically and scientifically—for a better chance of raising them to live, love, and lead well.

If you’re an expectant parent or the parent of infants, toddlers, or preschoolers and you’re reading this book, you’re well on your way to laying a solid foundation for your kids by building a Safe House now. As we’ll learn, the first year of life is critical.

If you’re the parents of elementary school children, you’re on your way to solidifying or intentionally adjusting the relational foundation you’ve already set. If you feel behind the eightball a bit, thinking you may have made a few mistakes along the way, don’t beat yourself up. You’ll be able to begin training your child’s brain for empathy, self-confidence, respect, and love with the safety principles and tips in this book.

If you’re the parents of middle school kids, well there’s no better time for your

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home to be a Safe House. This is often the hardest and most confusing time developmentally and socially for kids. (Think acne, first kisses, school dances, changing voices, late bloomers, and on and on.) This season of their lives gives you an incredible opportunity to teach them the process of learning how to problem solve, make wise decisions, and relate with you as their parent through the process. What a great way to build the emotional and relational foundation for heading to the often tumultuous teenage years.

And for parents of teenagers, a Safe House will help you interact with your teens in a way that wires their brain to prepare them for romantic relationships, difficult moral decisions, and self-control through their young adult years. If you feel like a failure in this category already, please give yourself grace. In my fifteen years of counseling teens (many of them juvenile delinquents) and their families, I have helped many parents learn new ways of communicating with their teenagers in a way that establishes safety without giving up parental authority.

For grandparents either raising grandchildren or watching your children and wondering how you can be of better help, you, too, can establish a Safe House in a way that truly makes a difference in their lives. These are years you cannot afford to spoil your grandchildren, as most grandparents decidedly vow to do. Not to rain on your spoiling parade, but the definition of the word spoil is “to diminish or destroy the value or quality of; to harm the character of a child.” When you seek to spoil your grandkids, you’re not only teaching them that it’s okay to disrespect their parents but you’re also teaching them ways to do that. Grandparents, my prayer is that as you read this book, you value the relational, spiritual, and emotional health of the next generation by partnering with your adult children to offer a Safe House for your grandchildren.

Throughout the book you’ll see charts and strategies for each stage of your child’s development. You can apply these to make the most of your child’s developmental level to make her feel safe, build her brain, and write her story.

Will we make mistakes? Absolutely. But realize this, you have what it takes to write a story full of beauty and joy for your kids. And it’s a good thing, too, because nobody has the power to write (and rewrite) our children’s life story more than we do.

Writing great stories for our kids is a matter of becoming aware of, first, what’s really going on inside our own heart—that is, the threats coming from our own story—and, second, inside our home—the dangers influencing our children from outside our four walls.

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WHat We’re Up againSt I’d like to think our four-walled brick home is like Fort Knox. When I go to sleep at night, I’d like to think that my family is safe inside, protected from unwanted intruders and the elements. But we aren’t. And unfortunately your family isn’t either.

Our four-walled homes are more like cheap nylon tents. Though we try to protect our children and our families as best we can, the culture around us is creeping in through the holes. And as parents, many of us are either too busy or unaware of what threats may already be inside our homes by the way we relate.

There are threats in our homes that didn’t exist a generation ago. We’re navigating a whole new world of raising children in the twenty-first century. New cultural norms, devices, social media, and an overabundance of information and conflicting messages have created a confusing and convoluted world for our kids and us. And the speed with which the culture is changing can make our heads spin.

That’s why building a Safe House has never been more critical for a generation of parents and the kids we love and raise. Let’s start from a thirty-thousand-foot view and consider what kind of story the broader culture is trying to write for our kids.

We’re all products of arguably the most individualistic culture in the history of the world. We live in a society today termed by Dale when we don’t believe Kuehne as the iWorld, a society that believes “an we have what it takes expansion of individual rights will lead to increased as parents, it’s too easy happiness and fulfillment.”1 Such a society prides to reach for the outward itself on one value: feeling better. affirmation that’ll prove Whether we admit it or not, everything we do, to us, and everyone the people we spend time with, the things we spend else, otherwise. so we our money on, what we give our time to, all of it is end up valuing success colored by the lens of this individualistic philosoover character. feeling phy. We raise our kids through this lens. And our better over loving better. kids are experiencing the consequences.

Why? Because the ethos of individualism is hostile to relationships. The result of an individualistic society that values feeling better over loving better is relational bankruptcy.

In fact, a Harvard study published just last year showed that nearly 80 percent of kids stated that the primary message they receive from their parents is that personal

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achievement and happiness matters more than care and concern for other people. The kids in the study were also three times more likely to agree with the following statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”2 It seems we’re sending our kids the message that outward success matters more than inward character.

But why, you might ask? I think it’s because we’re giving in to parental peer pressure more than we’re willing to admit.

A good report card is a more visible measure of my parenting skills to teachers than my son’s random act of sharing a toy with another child in the corner—an act that nobody ever sees.

When we don’t believe we have what it takes as parents, it’s too easy to reach for the outward affirmation that’ll prove to us, and everyone else, otherwise. So we end up valuing success over character. Feeling better over loving better.

I mean, heaven forbid one of my friends thinks I’m a bad parent because I don’t send my three-year-old to a preschool prep program supposedly giving him an advantage for higher education. Or that I’m a bad parent because I, at the expense of my son’s “happiness” (that is, feeling better), didn’t cave in to him when he threw his wooden train as hard as he could at my face.

If asked, I would say, yes, I care more about how my kids treat others than I do their personal happiness.

But I have to wonder, Do I live that? Do my own actions and how I respond to my kids relay this message?

I believe we’re facing two problems with the feeling-better culture we live in: we’re raising a generation that’s relationally bankrupt and we’re blind to how it’s happening.

Here’s a snippet of recent outcome research to help paint the picture. Today’s generation of kids is • more narcissistic and self- centered3 • less empathetic4 • more disconnected and lonely5 • scoring lower on achievement scores6 • displaying a poor work ethic7 • less able to reason (that is, getting dumber)8 • more depressed9

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• more anxious10 • more stressed11 • more medicated12 Some people may argue with this. But the direction of the data is overwhelmingly consistent. That these traits are true of a generation gives cause for great concern. These relational effects are the by-products of a culture that values feeling better over loving better, and all of them are antithetical to raising kids who live, love, and lead well.

A Safe House is a place where parents keep the end goal of raising emotionally safe kids in mind. The more intentional we are at creating values in our homes, the more aware we’ll be to the opposing, unsafe values our culture tries to project into our homes.

Can you imagine the legacy and society we could leave behind if a generation of parents like ourselves became passionate, bold, and unapologetic about raising kids against this cultural tide of feeling better and were committed to doing what they could to raising kids who loved better?

For some of us, it begins by grabbing a pen, reminiscing on our own story, and rewriting. For others, it begins by dreaming—dreaming about our kids and the outcome we envision for them—and writing. Whether you’re writing or rewriting your parenting story, if it’s done in a Safe House, the coherent narrative you weave will be beautiful. But I must warn you: it won’t be easy.

Simple? Yes. Easy? Not so much. Anybody who tells you parenting is easy, run the other way. Their kids are probably in jail.

t He BeaUty in Being S afe Speaking of jail, I had a few shocking revelations when I first became a parent.

First, as ill-prepared as we were for the chaos about to invade our home, I couldn’t believe my wife, Christi, and I were allowed to walk out of the hospital with a living, breathing, screaming, hungry, sleepless, restless, 100-percent-dependent-upon-us human being. Second, I was overwhelmed by all the books written on sleeping techniques, discipline strategies, parenting styles, and on and on, many of them contradicting one another. Last, I was amazed that no matter what kind of parent someone was or how successfully they raised their own kids, everybody, including those who never tried it, had an opinion.

One day, after receiving unsolicited advice from a woman whose kids were either in

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W hy Emotiona l Sa fet y—a nd Your Stor y—Mat ter

jail or having affairs, I asked my mother-in-law what the deal was with all of the advice.

She said, “Well, it’s the one thing nearly everybody has actually done. So they believe their way was the best way, even if it wasn’t.”

I guess that’s one of the side effects of free speech.

As I continued to read and research techniques and consider everyone’s advice, I needed a filter. It was becoming all too complicated for me. I’m sure you can relate.

Parenting in the twenty-first century is filled with choices. I counsel with and talk to parents all the time who are trying to negotiate different points of view about raising kids.

• “Should our baby sleep in bed with us?”

• “Should we let our baby cry it out?”

• “Should we spank our kids, and if so, when?”

• “How do I respond to a temper tantrum?”

• “Should I stay home with the kids or put them in day care?”

• “Should we home school or send our kids to a private or public school?”

• “How much screen time do I let my kids have?”

How many of these questions have you wrestled with? If you’re like us, probably most of them. That’s because parenting in the real world is about the countless choices we make to give our kids the best chance to develop and grow.

But there’s a problem.

We live in a culture where the latest sermon, data, research results, and trends present themselves as the way (and often the only way, if you really love your kids) to raise them right. As guilt-prone parents who genuinely want what’s best for our kids, it’s easy to fall prey to the latest marketing ploys, product biases, and contradicting messages that cloud our journey to finding the beauty in our parenting story.

Currently the parenting fads include gluten-free diets, essential oils, using only green products in our homes, and trying to feed kids all-organic foods. If you’re a parent on a budget, good luck trying to keep the balance with this one—buying the healthy items we can and not feeling guilty for what we can’t afford.

The same debates hold true for immunizations, the kinds of toys we buy our kids, the schools they attend, the rigid schedules we beat ourselves up over to get them to sleep, eat, wake, play, and learn.

I’m stressed just listing all of these issues. No wonder we’re uptight and overwhelmed as parents. These debates are ongoing and will never quit.

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Add to this the pressure of the choices we see our parenting friends make. A quick glance at Facebook or Pinterest, and you see their picture-perfect kids, DIY family activities, unrealistically joyful vacations, and gluten-free gourmet dinners. No wonder parenting insecurity is at an all-time high.

There’s absolutely no beauty in striving for perfection or keeping up with the Joneses. I love what Anne Lamott says about this in her book on writing, Bird by Bird: Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. . . . I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won’t have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren’t even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun doing it.13

Let me encourage you, we don’t have to struggle over all of these choices. What we need is an approach to parenting that’s much less complicated and passes the test of trusted research. As a person of faith, I also value that how I parent is filtered through the timeless lens of the Bible. Where scientific research and biblical wisdom sync together, we can find confidence, not perfection, in how we parent.

Thankfully, in spite of all of the other parenting debates, there is one primary factor across all the domains of research (psychology, sociology, neuroscience) necessary for raising kids who thrive: emotional safety.

We’re all very aware that physical safety is important for kids. But have you considered the importance of emotional safety?

If you’re like a lot of parents, that’s probably not a term you’ve even heard before.

It’s not hard to see why: physical safety is a multibillion-dollar industry that can be resolved with products. In media and advertising we see an exorbitant focus on the physical safety of our children: electrical outlet plugs, childproof locks, stairway gates, BPA-free products, child safety seats, “no-touch” playground rules, green cleaning products, organic food diets, and all-natural toys. Emotional safety, on the other hand, is more elusive and requires just one thing: parents. No product on a shelf can create emotional safety in a child the way we—as her parents—can. Perhaps that’s why the industry remains quiet on it. Though I appreciate the reasoning behind all of the physical safety measures, the time and attention spent on them is out of balance.

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W hy Emotiona l Sa fet y—a nd Your Stor y—Mat ter

Emotional safety is related to outcomes in the following areas (all specifically listed in chapter 3): • children’s academic scores • behaviors • brain development • social skills • problem- solving skills • relationship formation • adult- relationship satisfaction • healthy identity formation • self- esteem • athletic and extracurricular success • a sense of morality • established values • a faith that sticks You won’t find either the breadth or depth of outcome research for kids in any other parenting philosophy or strategy. Simply put, emotional safety is the key to raising kids who thrive in all areas of life. Kids less likely to rebel, lie, and use drugs in their teenage years. Most important, we can raise kids who love God, love others, and lead others to do the same. All it takes is a place of emotional safety—or a Safe House.

What good is it if we have a child who never gets a scratch, bump, or bruise, was fully breast-fed, and is as healthy as they come, never being sick and always eating organic vegetables, if he’s a narcissistic, self-centered, irrational, and perhaps impulsive and addicted brat who blames, criticizes, and is otherwise unloving? if he’s a child who becomes an adult unable to engage in or know the joy of sharing in intimate relationships?

It is the posture Okay, that analogy may sound dramatic, but if my kids from which we possess any of those traits, I’ll be very sad. I’ll take broken parent, not the bones any day over a broken soul. technique, that In order to raise children who love God and love others, matters most. do well in school, excel in extracurricular activities, handle anger and frustration, develop self-control, resolve conflict, establish a good career, give back to the community in which they live, and marry and raise their own families to do

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the same, we need to begin emphasizing more debate and added discussion in securing our homes emotionally.

That’s because emotionally safe homes are the breeding ground for kids who live, love, and lead well.

Emotional safety becomes the filter for all other parenting decisions. If there’s any one phrase you take away from this book, remember this: It is the posture from which we parent, not the technique, that matters most.

It really is that simple.

d o yoU r eally H ave WHat it takeS to Be a parent?

Parenting in the twenty-first century is ripe with challenges, many the result of the happiness culture we find ourselves in. If you question this idea of happiness in our culture, just listen to Pharrell Williams’s hit song “Happy”: a message proclaiming “happiness is the truth.” Chances are you’re singing it right now in your head. I am.

I love to be happy. We actually hold little family dance parties some evenings in our living room with our kiddos dancing around to this song. But when we allow happiness to be placed as the highest order of truth in a culture, and it becomes our ultimate pursuit, what happens when we’re not happy? The marketMom and Dad, stop place capitalizes on it. For parents, the formula works exhausting yourself something like this: create more choices for parents trying to give your kids to enhance their quality of parenting and raise happy an advantage. you kids. When the natural frustrations that come along are the advantage. with parenting turn to exhaustion, and the initial offering of choices overwhelms them all the more, offer more products to help them feel less overwhelmed by the choices they already have. As journalist Eric Sevareid wrote in 1964, “The biggest big business in America is not steel, automobiles or television. It is the manufacture, refinement and distribution of anxiety.”

Nowhere is this more true than in the marketplace of modern-day parenting.

If our pursuit of happiness or our children’s pursuit of happiness is our highest truth, we will not raise kids who live, love, and lead well. Happiness is a shallow truth that defies the most basic parenting principle: sacrifice. Caring about our child’s life

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story means there are times (though not all of the time) we sacrifice happiness. If we don’t, we’ll sacrifice our kids’ ability to live, love, and lead well.

That’s because on the other side of sacrifice is joy, and joy is a much higher level of truth than happiness.

In fact, if we, as parents, focus on character, then higher achievement and happiness will follow. And there’s nothing more powerful in instilling these values than your loving and safe presence. Especially your spending time with your children in face-toface eye contact (particularly infants and preschoolers under the age of five). Will it be easy? Not always.

That’s why it’s important to remind ourselves that we have what it takes.

Research shows you build the brain and character of your children more than any electronic device or educational video on the market by simply • reading to your kids (and infants) • singing to and with your kids (and infants) • talking to your kids about their day • laughing and joking with your kids (creating a positive environment has an amazing impact on brain development) • playing outside in the dirt with your kids • eating dinner regularly with your kids • roughhousing with your kids (especially dads) Do we want our kids to get good grades? Of course we do. Do we want them to be happy? I most definitely do.

But I also realize that true happiness and joy stem not from personal success or feeling good but from the sacrifice of loving and caring for other people.

And the most powerful way for that to grow in our kids is to simply be with them.

Mom and Dad, stop exhausting yourself trying to give your kids an advantage.

You are the advantage.

t He Story BeHind yoUr S afe HoUSe Whenever I visit my parents, I often reminisce on places I frequented as a kid. On a recent trip, I was driving through my hometown late at night and couldn’t help but notice the lights on in the house where I was raised until I was seven years old. As I drove past our old home, I noticed other houses I had spent time in with friends. I slowed down

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enough to take it all in. The farther I drove, the more I pondered the stories behind every window in each house I passed.

Some houses were dark and cold. Others were well-lit—curtains and decorations adding to their inviting warmth.

Where are the kids today that grew up in those houses? I wondered. Do they have kids? What are their stories?

What about the kids in those houses today? Are they safe? Or is the darkened house reminiscent of the emotional coldness they live in?

There’s a story in every home. The quality of that story is a reflection of how secure we are as parents. The more secure we are, the stronger our Safe House will be. That’s because the foundation of a Safe House is a secure parent, which is the focus of the next chapter. The more secure we are, the better we’ll be at erecting the four walls of a Safe House—the walls of exploration, protection, grace, and truth.

To be a sturdy and secure Safe House, these walls must be balanced over time. If any one wall becomes bigger to the neglect of another, it could very well be a reflection of the insecurity of the foundation. The more insecure we are as parents, the more likely our walls will be out of balance and the less safe our home may be.

That’s why we’ll start with a story—your story.

Writing Your Story 1. Describe or write down in your own words what emotional safety means to you.

2. What parenting fads, products, or issues have been or are most stressful for you?

3. When do you feel most insecure as a parent?

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YOU CAN’T MAKE ME (BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED)

by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, M.Ed.

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any parents suspect their strong-willed child is deliberately trying to drive them crazy. Difficult to discipline and seemingly impossible to motivate, these children present unique, exhausting, and often-frustrating challenges to those who love them.

But strong will is not a negative trait. These same children have firm convictions, high spirits, a sense of adventure—all the makings of a great adult. In this book you’ll discover how to channel that passion and determination in positive ways as you build a stronger, more positive relationship with your strong-willed child.

CYNTHIA ULRICH TOBIAS, M.Ed., is the founder and CEO of Apple St. L.L.C. (Applied Learning Styles). Her background includes over twenty-nine years of private practice and business ownership, eight years of teaching in public high school, and six years in law enforcement. Cynthia is the best-selling author of numerous titles. A popular speaker, she earned her Bachelor of Arts in Education from Northwest Nazarene University and her Master of Education degree from Seattle Pacific University. Cynthia, her husband, and their twin boys live in the Seattle, Washington area.

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YOU CAN’T MAKE ME (BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED) by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, M.Ed.

You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded), Revised and Updated Edition Published by WaterBrook Press 12265 Oracle Boulevard, Suite 200 Colorado Springs, Colorado 80921 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (niv) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

Details in some anecdotes and stories have been changed to protect the identities of the persons involved.

ISBN 978-1-57856-565-8 ISBN 978-0-307-73113-5 (electronic) Copyright © 1999, 2012 by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias Cover design by Mark D. Ford; photography by Tomek Sikora, The Image Bank All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published in the United States by WaterBrook Multnomah, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House Inc., New York.

WaterBrook and its deer colophon are registered trademarks of Random House Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Tobias, Cynthia Ulrich, 1953– You can’t make me (but I can be persuaded) : strategies for bringing out the best in your strong-willed child / Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. — Rev. and updated ed. p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references (p. ).

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6. Discipline in children—United States. I. Title.

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1 n

Who Qualifies as a Strong-Willed Child?

How Can You Be Sure It’s Not Just Stubbornness?

A grandmother came around the corner and found her grandchild sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall.

“What! Are you in time-out again?” she asked.

“Oh, Grandma, it’s no big deal. I pretty much live here.” d d d

Richard loved football, but he didn’t care much for studying.

By his junior year in high school, his grades were so poor, there was no assurance he would even be able to graduate with his class. His parents, it seemed, had tried everything—threats, bribes, promises—to no avail. In desperation, Richard’s father issued an ultimatum: “Richard, if you don’t get those grades up immediately, you can’t play football.” And this boy who loved [7]

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football as much as life itself squared his shoulders, faced his dad, and quietly said, “Then forget football.” And everyone lost. Richard lost what he cared about most, and his parents lost what they believed was their only leverage. d d d

Guests were about to leave and a mother wanted her three-yearold daughter to say good-bye. Strong willed as she was, the child refused. The mother said, “You don’t have to say goodbye—just say something.”

With that the child waltzed into the room, held out her arms in a ballerina pose, and said, “Ta da!” then walked out of the room. She turned to her mother and said, “There, that should hold them for a while.” d d d

“Angela!” Exasperation was evident in her mother’s voice. “Angela, I said get over here right this minute!”

Standing in the aisle of the department store, I watched the face of this beautiful five-year-old suddenly darken into an angry scowl. “No!” she cried. “I want to go see the toys now!”

Her mother looked exhausted as she grabbed Angela’s hand and began to drag her screaming daughter through the store.

[8]

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As they passed me, the mother rolled her eyes and muttered, “Just another ordinary day.” d d d

If you are the parent of a strong-willed child (SWC), you’ve fought hundreds of battles like this with your own child— probably before he turned two years old. You know how frustrating it can be to see your bright, loving, creative offspring instantly turn into a stubborn, immovable force. What did you do to deserve such defiance? How could your wonderful kid turn into such a monster?

Is it disobedience or determination?

You see them everywhere—these strong-willed kids. You may think they’re just stubborn, defiant, difficult, and argumentative. But that’s not actually the definition of “strong-willed” at all. Those words describe bad behaviors as a result of strong will that’s taken a wrong turn. Strong will, in and of itself, is a very positive trait. A strong-willed person is not easily daunted or discouraged, holds firm convictions, and doesn’t often accept defeat. A person using strong will in positive ways is fiercely loyal, determined to succeed, and often extraordinarily devoted to accomplishing goals.

[9]

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So how do you know whether you truly have an inherently strong-willed child (SWC) or a child who is just temporarily defiant? After all, every individual comes into this world with a wonderfully complex and unique set of traits, characteristics, and temperaments. Research has also shown that we are prewired with certain tendencies when it comes to taking in and making sense of information. These preferences, or learning styles, determine how we learn, how we decide what’s important, and how we communicate with the rest of the world.

It’s not really surprising that two parents, who are probably pretty different from each other already, will have children who are an interesting mix of opposite styles. And if you have a strong-willed child, these differences can be magnified. As parents, we often believe our children should do things our way— after all, we are living proof that our way works! But SWCs may have very strong convictions about doing things that make sense to them too.

As parents, we can often overlook the fact that our children have their own views of the world, and we may wear ourselves out trying to change their basic nature as we try to get them to do things that make sense to us. Parents rarely set out to deliberately frustrate their children. And believe it or not, children don’t usually try to intentionally annoy their parents. But when two opposing styles meet, something has to give.

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Who Qualifies as a Strong-Willed Child?

A few years ago on a flight to Orlando, I sat next to a frustrated parent. Bob is a former fighter pilot for the United States Air Force. He was serving as an instructor as he prepared to retire early. I learned quickly that he had five kids and that two of them were driving him crazy. We laughed good-naturedly, and I began to tell him some of the principles I cover in my book The Way They Learn. As we talked about the different learning styles, he was intrigued.

“This is beginning to make sense,” he claimed. He leaned closer and told me why he was so frustrated with two of his beloved children. “How tough can it be,” he asked, “to remember to make a check mark in a little box on the chart posted on the refrigerator?” Before I could reply, he continued. “And don’t those kids realize you don’t brush your teeth before you put on your pajamas? You put on your pajamas first, then you brush your teeth.”

I grinned at him. “Bob, how do you eat M&M’S?” He replied without hesitation. “Oh, I always eat the primary colors first.” He looked puzzled. “Why? How do you eat them?”

“Well, I just sort of pour them in my hand and pop them into my mouth.”

“Oh no! Don’t you realize that the Mars candy company has no specific formula for how many of each color go into each

[ 11 ]

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individual bag? You can’t just consume them randomly before you know what you’ve got!”

I laughed. In jest I said, “Bob, you are a sick man!”

He joined my laughter but suddenly looked thoughtful.

“You know, I always thought my children were being disobedient if they didn’t do everything my way. I’ve already figured out what works best and what methods are most efficient. I assumed that if they do it any other way, it’s just pure and simple insubordination!”

Bob and I spent the next couple of hours discovering and celebrating the differences between him and his wife and each of their children. He was delighted to read through the learning styles charts and checklists, and he seemed relieved to learn some ways to motivate and inspire his own SWCs.

How strong willed are you or your child?

Strong will, of course, comes in all styles. In over twenty-five years of teaching and working with learning styles full time, however, I have found that SWCs, whether children or adults, have several characteristics in common. Take a few minutes to read the following checklist and mark all the items that describe you personally. Then go through the list again for each of your children and measure the degree of strong will each child appears to possess. [ 12 ]

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Checking your SWC quotient

Mark only those statements that are true most of the time for each member of the family:

n The Strong-Willed Child (SWC)… almost never accepts words like “impossible” or phrases like “it can’t be done.”

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ can move with lightning speed from being a warm, loving presence to being a cold, immovable force.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ may argue the point into the ground, sometimes just to see how far into the ground the point will go.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ if bored, has been accused of actually creating a crisis rather than have a day go by without incident.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ considers rules to be more like guidelines (“As long as I’m abiding by the ‘spirit of the law,’ why are you being so picky?”).

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ [ 13 ]

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shows great creativity and resourcefulness—seems to always find a way to accomplish a goal.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ can turn what seems to be the smallest issue into a grand crusade or a raging controversy.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ doesn’t usually do things just because “you’re supposed to”—it needs to matter personally.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ often refuses to obey unconditionally—usually wants to negotiate a few terms before complying.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ is not afraid to try the unknown—to conquer the unfamiliar (although each SWC chooses his own risks, they all seem to possess the confidence to try new things).

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____ can take what was meant to be the simplest request and interpret it as an offensive ultimatum.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____

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may not actually say the exact words to apologize, but almost always makes things right.

Parent 1 _____ Parent 2 _____ Child 1 _____ Child 2 _____

n Your score: How much strong will do you have?

0–3 4–7 8–10

You’ve got it, but you don’t use it much.

You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.

You’ve got a very healthy dose of it, but you can back off when you want to.

11–12 You don’t leave home without it—and it’s almost impossible not to use it.

It takes one to know one!

I’ve talked to thousands of SWCs over the past several years, including hundreds of prodigal sons and daughters, and they have given me a wealth of information to share with you. Their answers are consistent, and their insights are valuable.

I’ve also lived my life seeing firsthand how the mind of the SWC works—from the inside out. I was never what you would call a rebellious or defiant child. I grew up the daughter of a conservative, evangelical preacher, and I never rebelled against

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my dad or caused him to feel ashamed of me. I was not a particularly loud or obnoxious child. I didn’t talk back to teachers.

In fact, you couldn’t have traced half the trouble I caused back to me! Outwardly, I was quiet and compliant and basically easy to get along with.

But whenever I’m backed into a corner and told, “Do it… or else,” I simply choose “else.” I may not be confrontational or loud, but I know there is nothing I really have to do—except die, which I’m willing to do. And since I’m willing to die and you’re not, I win. (Okay, I’m dead, but I win.) As you can imagine, this mind-set has always presented a unique challenge to my parents and others in authority over me. My mother tells me that as early as eighteen months I had already figured out no one could really make me do anything. She tried to insist I eat all the food that was placed before me. As soon as I figured out she was going to have me sit there until the food was gone, I simply dumped the remaining contents of the bowl on top of my head. It became a contest each meal to see if Mom could figure out which bite was my last one before the bowl was dumped and she had a mess to clean up. It didn’t take long for her to decide the battle wasn’t worth it!

My sister came along five years after I did, and she was nothing like me. Since it probably took my parents that long to work up the courage to have another child, I think they were relieved to find that Sandee was compliant and pleasant na[ 16 ]

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Who Qualifies as a Strong-Willed Child?

tured. As the oldest, I used my position and strong-willed nature to both delight and traumatize my sister. I was definitely in charge, and Sandee followed my lead. Sometimes perceived as the bully or the dictator as well as the role model and encourager, I enjoyed having my sister recognize and appreciate my strengths.

Although my mother was convinced that even as adults we would never be able to do anything but fight with each other, Sandee and I are very close and enjoy a wonderful relationship.

People often ask her if she grew up resenting me because I was such an SWC. She sweetly smiles and claims it was actually a blessing. “You see,” she explains, “I loved it. Since Cindy was always the one with the dangerous or adventurous ideas, I was never the one to get in trouble. I would just say it wasn’t my idea, wasn’t my fault—and Mom knew I was telling the truth.”

Even though I’m an SWC, I believe my best credential for speaking out on behalf of all SWCs is that I’m the parent of a strong-willed son. (My mother denies she prayed this would happen so I would know what it was like!) My son Mike was a typical SWC. One moment he was loving and thoughtful, the next he was relentlessly terrorizing his brother or mouthing off to his dad.

I’ve been forced to live what I teach every day. I’m not giving you advice from a quiet corner. I know firsthand that having an SWC can seem like both the best and the worst thing [ 17 ]

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that can happen to you. My SWC, Mike, is strong and intelligent and determined. He can ruthlessly drive himself to master a task or achieve a goal. And yet, the strength of his will puts him at risk for bad behavior when obstacles stand in the way of his plans or when someone like his twin brother, Robert, is not his normally compliant self. Mike can quickly change from a focused analytic to a frustrated, impatient person, loudly demanding his way. At times like this, I used to hear him screaming at his brother, “You’re fired, Robert! You’re not my brother anymore!” Of course, if Robert called his bluff and walked away, Mike was quick to call him back, immediately suggesting at least a slight compromise.

An opportunity with great potential

If any of this sounds familiar, you’ve come to the right place!

I’m about to offer you more hope and encouragement about your relationship with your SWC than you may have thought possible. I realize we SWCs can drive you crazy. We know how to push the buttons that can reduce you to rage in a matter of seconds. We seem constantly to choose to do things the hard way. School and other traditional functions may leave us bored, frustrated, and restless.

But if you’re the parent of one of these wild and wonderful children, you’ve been given the opportunity to love, nurture, [ 18 ]

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Who Qualifies as a Strong-Willed Child?

and guide an individual who has great potential. Although you may have been led to believe that strong will simply denotes defiance, aggressiveness, and rebellion, steely determination does not have to be a negative trait! When you know how to bring out the best in your fiercely independent gift from God, you’ll find incredible strength and possibilities in both of you without sacrificing any bottom-line accountability.

Many parents automatically assume that having a strongwilled child is a bad thing. While it can be challenging, by the time you finish reading this book, the chances are very good you will actually be excited you have such a child. It is a great gift to have a child with firm convictions, a high spirit, and a sense of adventure. Why not direct that wonderful and mysterious energy into the right channels, and use that marvelous determination to achieve positive results?

I often remind parents of SWCs that their children may change the world—after all, it’s not likely that the world is going to change them! I also tell them that whatever seems to irritate them most about their SWC now is almost certain to be one of their SWC’s greatest strengths and keys to success as an adult. You no doubt have a budding young artist, attorney, preacher, salesman, or other future persuasive professional right there in your home—exercising her powers of influence on you.

After all, who else can she practice on? Who else do you really want her to practice on? Your SWC may be God’s instrument [ 19 ]

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for making the world a better place. Think about some of the great leaders and innovators in our past: Thomas Jefferson, Marie Curie, Albert Einstein, Joan of Arc, Thomas Edison, and others. Each of these people held up under adversity, stood up for his or her convictions, and persisted against all odds. They refused to believe their dreams were impossible.

Of course, SWCs often travel a rocky road on the way to their success, and parents will certainly have an abundance of opportunities to develop patience and creative discipline techniques. You will be stretched and challenged beyond what you thought were your limits. But ultimately you can be rewarded with an SWC who loves God, who loves you, and who leaves your home with the ability to be a successful adult.

This book can place in your hands a priceless treasure—the gift of understanding your strong-willed child. I’ll give you a glimpse into the mind of an SWC so you can begin to see how it works. I’ll offer you practical strategies for how to motivate and inspire your SWC rather than simply to engage in power struggles and pointless battles. I’ll give you guidelines to help you determine whether you need to do something drastic.

What you are about to read and think about can—if you choose to act on it—heal your relationship with your SWC, bring peace toWho an Qualifies argumentative family, and help you discover as a Strong-Willed Child? some wonderful things about yourself in the process.

Most of all, I hope this book shows you that instead of becoming exasperated and irritated with the SWCs in your life, you can honor and value what [ 20they ] do best while still holding them accountable for moral and spiritual values.

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