Editing of English Translation: Sharon Lax Cover: ABO Agency Layout: Alejandro Natan ISBN: 978-2-98182-189-8 This book is printed under the protection of Canadian copyright laws. Reproduction of this book in whole or in part for commercial purposes is prohibited. However, the use of short quotes or the copying of pages for personal or group study purposes is permitted and encouraged. Legal Deposit - National Library and Archives of Quebec, 2019 Completed printing in Canada. To join the author and her team, go to www.rhodielamour.com or send an email to info@rhodielamour.com Š Rhodie Lamour 2020 | All rights reserved.
TABLE OF CONTENTS A Word from the Author........................................7 Introduction...........................................................9 An Ode to Love...................................................11 You Are a Gift......................................................15 Sprucing up Your Color Coordination..................21 Creating an Impact through Your Clothing.........27 The Effect of Accessories......................................39 What Support Looks Like between Partners........49 Collaborating Together .......................................55 The Use of Social Networks..................................61 Holidays And Private Trips...................................67 Parenting and Married Life..................................71 Regarding Age.....................................................79 Image, Culture and Religion................................85 Final Word...........................................................93 Biography.............................................................97 References.......................................................... 101
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A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR
I
have expressly chosen that my name LAMOUR be the subject of this work. Indeed, I find it important that my first book address this feeling or emotion called ’love’, which has such an impact on the world. We can achieve great things with love, as much as we may find that without love, everything we do seems to be in vain. Love is continually misunderstood. Sometimes it requires total selflessness for the benefit of someone else; sometimes it requires less. However, it is always most important to remain true to yourself while giving yourself completely. Indeed, no one model is the be-all, end-all and needs to be tweaked for each couple. Finding just the right amount of the right ingredients to helping you and your partner evolve, coming up with just the right amount to ensure that you are considerate both of your partner’s needs and your own are all part of what we’ll be seeing you through, throughout these pages. Above all, the two critical elements are: one, finding the right couple, and, two, a measure of happiness and joy, to see you through as you evolve, both as an individual and as a couple, and being good to yourself and your partner. 7
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Altogether, these points provide the motto and our goal throughout these pages: Be true to yourself, and, remember, only then can you be true to your partner. In light of my life experiences and, in particular, of my experience as an image consultant, I would like to present to you, dear reader, different perspectives on the meaning of personal image and of the image of you, together with your partner, as a couple, so that you can draw concrete and practical solutions. Thank you in advance for your interest to change, and I congratulate you on starting this beautiful journey of love, steeped in fashion and color. Finally, I wish to send my sincere thanks to everyone on my team who has helped create this bridge between you, dear reader, and me, the author, allowing us, through my team’s hard work and many talents, this beautiful exchange of continuous learning.
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INTRODUCTION
L
ove and Style: a winning couple is a work aimed at bringing joy into every individual’s life, allowing relationships to flourish, as each individual in the couple adapts to new challenges, while each person maintains his or her authenticity as an indivdual. Of course, there is no magic formula that works for everyone. We are all unique, and so is every couple. As you take a look inside, you’ll find points with which you may identify, similarities between your journey and those of other couples. These examples are taken from my career as an image consultant, an adventure which led me to impact people’s lives, so that they may enjoy their time together as a couple, and to help advise singles, by directing them in their choices and possibly towards meeting their life partners. All this is thanks to my consulting services aimed at improving the image that individuals and couples present to one another and to the world.
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LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
As for myself, I have been married for more than ten years and am a mother of two, Alie and Nell. Such life experiences and, in particular, career experiences as an image consultant for couples and individuals have provided me with concrete and authentic examples. Whether you are in a common-law relationship, married or single, a parent or someone with no children, whether a busy professional or semi-retired, or you wish to refresh your relationship by taking control of your image, you will find in these pages guidance and concrete, accessible and achievable solutions. Take your time to move through the book. Be open to learning and taking notes as you read. Enjoy!
Note that the examples cited in this book are inspired by actual situations; only the names have been changed to preserve the privacy of the individuals involved. I have opted for authentic examples that will help you better plan and, above all, to feel less isolated on your journey.
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AN ODE TO LOVE
A Moment before We Begin
F
irst of all, dear reader, I invite you to take a moment to relax and think about all the amazing, unforgettable times you’ve spent with your partner. If you are not involved in a relationship, think of all your qualities and talents. Remember your successes. Then, I invite you to fill in the two columns below. One represents your partner, and the other, you. The goal is to be able to find as many qualities as you can in you and in your sweetheart. If you are single, complete one column. This exercise aims to remind you of what is beautiful in each of you in the relationship. Know this: your ability to recognize your qualities will also determine your ability to appreciate those of others. This exercise allows you to rediscover yourself and your partner. In completing the lines below, you will find the mutual gift you represent for each other. Above all, remember that “Living together is accepting and giving yourself.” (Rhodie Lamour, February 2, 2019)
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LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
An Image of Love Finally, with all this aura of love that you have acquired during the previous exercise, together, we will now see how to maintain your image of love. Far from being imposed, a relationship is based on understanding and concessions between partners, guaranteeing, in large part, the ability for each one to live together with the other. Note: Repeat this exercise each time you want to rekindle your flame. By doing this, you will gain new opportunities to surpass yourself.
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YOU ARE THE GIFT
The Gift
S
o, who, you might ask, doesn’t love gifts? Honestly, I really don’t know anyone who doesn’t like receiving them. Perhaps … there are few people who don’t like them; however, I’d say these outliers are the exception that proves the rule. That said, the desire to please is one of the first feelings born of love. With this comes the desire to offer yourself to your loved one, either with gifts or with quality time. Also, as an image consultant, I must let you know that I attach paramount importance to the person and hope to draw your attention to what you offer in your relationships. What Can You Find of Merit in Your Relationship? Indeed, one’s desire to please is not everything. What interests me most is how we express this desire. Very often, to please the other, we focus on the material things, such as flowers, or pleasant experiences, a favorite dish, or even something that is excessive, without even thinking about what is already within us. And to detect what is within, what could be better than the Ode to Love exercise, where you took the 17
LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
time to analyze yourself and possibly your partner by emphasizing the beautiful and meritorious in yourself and in your relationship? I would ask that you think about the possibility that by carrying out such an analysis, you can clearly begin to appreciate the gifts that each of you offers, both to those around you and to the world. Fall in Love with Yourself First Please remember that before going out to woo another or to fall in love, first fall in love with yourself. Learn – or relearn – how to love yourself, respect yourself and accept your weaknesses. This will allow you to offer even more to the world. Perhaps you have already heard this phrase: “Love your neighbor as you would yourself,” a saying that reveals a great truth that we too often put aside. In order to love someone, we must first love ourselves. We can only give what we have. When we do not love ourselves, we become lost; it is then that we might find we don’t even know what love is. At this point, we have lost the reference of love. Yes, we may believe we love others, when our feelings have created only copies of what we see, imagine or desire. However, these feelings of love remain empty when they are not anchored. When we don’t love ourselves enough, we aren’t able to define limits or even recognize abuse; in short, we have difficulty 18
YOU A RE T HE GIF T
demanding self-respect. And that’s when we diminish our own value, which a prospective partner clearly sees, even if we do not. Self-Love Often in my talks and lectures, I mention that one of the greatest crimes that doesn’t incur the usual assortment of penalties is the lack of self-love. The second greatest crime in this context is idealism, which gives us the false impression that another will come into our universe to love us madly and tell us beautiful things about ourselves that we don’t even dare claim or proclaim about our own selves. If we don’t love ourselves first, then anyone who wishes to come into our lives faces huge obstacles. This self-love takes many shapes. It may be respecting our nature, recognizing our qualities, talents, etc. We must know and respect our tastes and appreciate our bodies, an appreciation that is an act of love. Accepting ourselves is loving ourselves. So, despite the beauty standards that make the headlines, refrain from comparison; avoid being seduced by their apparent charms. And here I speak as much to women as to men, who are as pressured by society’s models of what is beautiful. Choose to be frank and authentic; this will herald the path to inner peace.
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SPRUCING UP YOUR COLOR COORDINATION
The Relationship between Sight and Fashion
I
t has been surmised that we are 55% visual, based on studies published by Dr. Mehrabian, A. (1971) in Silent Messages: the double-edged message. We are affected by what we see, in essence making our decisions according to what we think is pleasant visually. However, the machinations behind all this comes, in part, from our cultural habits and from past situations buried deep within our subconscious. For example, a man might appreciate the sight of women dressed in mustard-colored clothing because his mother used to wear yellow clothing. The same goes for a woman who, in her childhood, liked to see her father wear blue-striped shirts. Chances are she has a soft spot for men who dress in shirts with similar motifs, and chances are, she will find these men more elegant. The Impact of Color Choices To better understand the importance of colors and how much of an impact they have on a couple’s relationship, it helps to understand where our likes and dislikes have originated. Even if, perhaps, the idea of 23
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intimacy and romantic relationships calls up a bright, irresistible red and an intense pink, both symbols of seduction in the cultures with which we’re familiar, when we’re really in love, seduction moves to another level; it becomes personalized. When going out, it is advisable to choose colors that not only go well with one’s complexion but which will also reflect the harmony of the image that both partners in a relationship project and wish to project. Of course, everyone is unique, and this desire to adapt one’s appearance to what the other member of the couple finds appropriate creates a certain dynamic in the relationship. Personal and Original Color Combinations On various occasions, my clients’ spouses have sent us comments about the originality of the color combinations of their partner’s clothing, along with the color of their partner’s hair. It’s important to realize that your loved one will not fail to appreciate your marks of attention. If you have had the opportunity to carry out your personal color analysis and/or if you wish to do it later, I strongly recommend the following exercise: put aside a period of time for observation and wear the colors recommended by your consultant. Then, go and meet your spouse, while taking care to note his or her reactions. If your lover appreciates your marriage 24
SPRUCING U P YOU R COLOR COORDIN ATION
of colors, the color of your hair and the details of your accessories, it is very likely that he or she will express it, verbally or otherwise. You’ll see right away what has made the biggest impression. Take note of these colors, as well as the possible combinations; write them down, so you can dress in these combinations more often. Feeling Balanced in Our Color Choices This is how we reach sense of balance: it is when we feel beautiful in ourselves and when we please others, without conjuring up pretenses that are alien to our own sense of who we are. You might be tempted to believe that the process of choosing the winning color combination is only for the women in a relationship. Far from it! In my experience, men like to display their charm, perhaps with a sweater or a nice shirt, which goes well with their skin or hair color. Through the right color combinations, a man’s features become more defined and his smile more attractive. These small details show novelty and help avoid monotony. “Every age has its pleasures,” we often hear, and to this adage, I would add, “Every age has its colors.” I recommend repeating your personal color analysis every fifteen years. 25
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Color and Behavior In short, we should not forget the preprogrammed effect of colors on our behavior. In some regions of the world, red and bright pink are symbols of seduction. While in other places in the world, black or white could have the same effect. On a more personal note, your choice of colors could be related to your partner’s fantasies, tastes and experiences. So, it is quite important to know your partner and to invest time to understand his or her tastes.
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CREATING AN IMPACT THROUGH YOUR CLOTHING
The Aura of Mystery vs. Revealing All
W
hat are we looking for? Why, what we don’t see, of course! As simple as it seems, this concept is not always respected among those who wish to seduce or capture the attention of their spouse or a potential partner. With changes in the fashion industry reflecting trends in society, there’s been a slow erosion of secrecy. The idea of enigma or mystery is disappearing and being replaced by a tendency to reveal everything. This is, at least, the general strategy of the advertising we consume daily, without our necessarily being aware of or intending to consume the subliminal or obvious messages. It’s not at all an old-fashioned concept: retaining an aura of mystery is very much still a current desire and even, arguably, necessary in a healthy relationship. You can create this aura by stimulating your partner’s imagination, by causing your loved one to recreate in thought what you subtly and voluntarily hide. This keeps your lover preoccupied with trying to decipher your mystery – an advantage you lose as soon as you show everything. The following example 29
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illustrates this concept: a very short skirt might be less attractive than a long skirt with a mid-thigh opening. The same thing goes for a short dress with long sleeves and a short dress with straps. The long sleeves create a point of distance, a point of mystery, while the short, sleeveless dress offers too much information and leaves too little room for the imagination. In fact, the game is to create a kind of optical illusion and to allow for one focal point. Note: you should never create more than one optical illusion at a time; otherwise the effect is obscured, and your partner might very well lose interest. Tips for the Charmer Here are some tips to revive your coquetry and your charm: • Wear transparent clothing, instead of showing a lot of skin; this is definitely more attractive most of the time. • Prioritize flesh-colored pieces to seduce. They will be good allies, depending on the setting. In the executive setting, a skin-colored tank top underneath a jacket may be visually offensive, as it creates the illusion of nakedness, not at all suitable for a business setting. But in the right context, this piece becomes a weapon of seduction. 30
CRE ATING A N IMPACT T HROUGH YOU R CLOT HING
• Go for light fabrics over rough and strong fabrics. The lighter ones have more effect, while the others display too much resistance and make the person appear too harsh. • Allow for a slight cleavage instead of a deep neckline; this can definitely be attractive. • Wear pants that have slits up the leg; they are a lot more interesting than pants with mid-thigh openings. • Polish and buff your nails quite naturally, without too much detail, which is far more charming than long nails with a thousand patterns. • Wear a moderate amount of perfume, which will work like a charm … better even than a perfume bath! This brief list has been drawn as much from my experience in the field as from the observations and direct responses I’ve received about what certain people found attractive about certain outfits. And Now for the Men Our advice doesn’t stop with women. We also thought of men, who have become more and more concerned with their image and their ability to please. So, what is expected in terms of male seduction? Apart from the major exceptions, women are very keen on listening skills in men. Being impeccable, 31
LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
reflecting order and cleanliness attracts women much more than does showy and demonstrative attire. Also, it should be noted that well-fitting outfits, a haircut that goes with the face, well-groomed skin and flawless nails all make a difference. A well-shaven man with tidy hair is attractive and always looks good. Two other points of note, which might seem like minor details: well-polished shoes and well-ironed clothes show a certain respect. You will want to pay attention to such details, even after spending years with your partner. On various occasions, I’ve found that when widows speak of their late husbands, they remember their partners’ clothing, the elements of their partners’ personal styles or a favorite cologne their loved ones wore. A man’s seductive power lasts, regardless of the years and regardless of time. As people grow older together, of course they should continue investing in the relationship: being in great shape and dressing well. As much as it’s important for the women in the relationship to feel that the men are considering what they, themselves, wear, thinking about their cologne, etc., it’s important that the women show their partners that they are considering their partner’s tastes, even if their partners are silent on the subject. I would also invite each person in the relationship to study their partner for signs of appreciation. Nonverbal communication, such as 32
CRE ATING A N IMPACT T HROUGH YOU R CLOT HING
body language, can signal appreciation and sometimes even betray the partner, disclosing what he or she hasn’t verbally expressed. Finally, gentlemen: at all costs avoid putting your wife in uncomfortable situations. There may be negative consequences to this. For instance, your partner may feel as if her desires and needs are not being acknowledged, simply because of your outfit. In the accessories chapter, you will see more detailed advice. With regards to design and motif in men’s clothing during a romantic encounter, horizontal or vertical lines may give the appearance of rigidity, while curvilinear patterns might send a message of sensitivity. However, just the opposite applies in the business world, so avoid mixing business and matters of the heart! Finally, remember that the setting, or place, along with the clothing worn, play an important role in a couple’s non-verbal language and communication with one another. Knowing when and where to wear a particular piece of clothing is part of your communication with your partner.
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LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
Going Out on the Town Another point to take into account is the presence of third parties when you go out together. As some songs are better in duets, so some are better with an accompanying band. For example, we might reserve the miniskirt that our husband adores for an outing for two rather than for an outing for four. And if you like the style of a shirt opened to mid-chest, you might wish to keep this for intimate moments. Why? Simply out of respect for your partner, so that your loved one feels as if you are both alone in sharing in one another’s intimacy. The more attractive your outfit, the less your wish to have people accompany you out on the town. Indeed, you may feel like telling others, “Leave us alone, please.” Housekeeping Throughout this chapter, we’ve been speaking about what to wear when you are out and about, suggesting, perhaps, that anything is allowed around the house … far from it! In love, as in art, it is important to maintain continuity and consistency. Our advice to men and to women: choose comfortable clothing for your time at home but clothing that is nonetheless in good shape. You can be less demanding about the quality of your clothing around the house than you are about the quality of your out-and-about clothing, but it’s 34
CRE ATING A N IMPACT T HROUGH YOU R CLOT HING
best to consider attire that is in good taste while at home, as well. Being at home, in fact, provides an opportunity to wear colorful and attractive pieces that you’d be unable to wear elsewhere, given your social life, your professional position and your obligations. No need to bring your work home with you. We recommend that you wear casual, chic and fashionable pieces around the house. Avoid wearing pajamas too often, especially ones with childish patterns. In this way, you will add taste not only to your wardrobe but to your relationship. If you are often apart from your significant other, take the opportunity at home to dress up in your pretty dress, to wear sandals that highlight your feet and other wardrobe details that are flirtatious yet simple. Remember, you’re creating interest and reflecting how much you care about yourself – it’s through your attitude and dress that you signal to others how you wish to be treated. Housekeeping and Wardrobes You may wish to consider clearing out and rejuvenating your wardrobe, as soon as the clothing and accessories are: • Torn – except for pieces that can be mended; • Stained or discolored;
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LOV E & ST Y LE: A WINNING COU PLE
• Faded and worn, possibly faded by poor washing or because of the poor quality of the fabric; • Defective and visibly so, at first glance. Above all, make sure that you have enough clothes in your wardrobe for your own everyday activities, as you do for those activities you share with your partner. And remember to have enough different styles available, in case work calls for different dress codes. Two Case Studies First Case Study I’m reminded of a couple with whom I’ve worked. The woman is an architect and often goes out into the field and visits construction sites, while the man, a doctor and also active, often participates in cocktails and other events related to the healthcare profession. As you’ve probably already guessed, this woman has some pretty cocktail dresses in her wardrobe, even though her life is mostly spent in jeans, boots and simple sweaters. This would be the same, if the woman were a doctor and the man, an architect. The man would need to have formal suits in his wardrobe for his and his wife’s events.
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CRE ATING A N IMPACT T HROUGH YOU R CLOT HING
Second Case Study We have another example. The spouse is a businessman, while the woman is an active politician. For the man, being relaxed in his meetings does the trick, but when he accompanies his wife during her political and public briefings, for instance, he needs to include some designer-brand suits in his wardrobe.
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THE EFFECT OF ACCESSORIES
What are Accessories?
O
n store shelves, clothing is generally organized into colors, sizes and styles. Nowadays, with the globalization of fashion, we have our pick of many new styles for one garment. Faced with all this, you might tell me, “Rhodie, I think I will go with a private designer to make sure that my clothes are unique.” But, unfortunately, this is not always so easy or even possible. This is where accessories come in. They can be seen as assets to style, which, in a set, transmit a precise and positive statement. Accessories are constant allies that I refer to as ‘the salt of clothing’. These items are there to personalize clothes. Even if a thousand people wear the same sweater, the variances in accessories create completely different styles. These whimsical little elements have the power, even more, I’d say, than one’s clothes, to reveal the identity of one’s stylist, what the person likes, one’s career, country and even one’s sexual orientation. Revealing all! And we’re worried about data that is no longer private?
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When mastered, the subtle language of accessories can be a definite plus. In romantic relationships, their mission is to communicate interest, to encourage others to listen and, in some cases, to distract attention. In the next few pages, we will see how to take advantage of these style elements or at least how to make them speak in our favor. Before getting into the heart of the matter, let’s see what falls into the category of accessories. In the category of accessories, we have the following: luxury pins, brooches, ties, knots, extra pockets and collars, hairstyles, belts, jewelry or any other small item aimed at enhancing a much larger piece … even nail polish and makeup. The Impact of Accessories Now that we’ve defined the term, ‘accessories’, let’s talk about their hidden impact and virtues. As much as a well-folded handkerchief in a man’s suit pocket can charm a woman, so too may earrings that subtly shine, reflecting light, or sway from a woman’s ears, win a man’s attention. And curls remain a great asset for women, indeed are still considered an embodiment of delicacy and very often associated with grace, softness and calm. Among the 42
T HE EFFECT OF ACCES SORIES
accessories that convey this image, we might mention lace, curvilinear patterns, flowers and florets, small discreet flounces, details that announce innocence and call for tenderness. You may well understand, ladies, why intimate lingerie and other elements, such as panties, tank tops, bras and gloves all are cut in lace – their allure! As for the feelings men may associate with lace and flower accessories, these may reveal a feeling of power that the man would like to feel, but positive power, for a man who undoubtedly would like to be more protective and attentive to a show of intimacy. Let’s admit it: most people are caught up in and with a thousand obligations and problems. With this well applied advice, you will quickly create an atmosphere of love and a well-deserved oasis for both of you. Overdoing Accessories All this said, as much certain accessories are eye-catching, they can as well divert attention. In fact, an exaggeration of make-up and of one’s manicure and hairstyle could have the opposite effect and distract an otherwise interested individual from paying attention to the conversation. These types of overdone accessories may turn into constant noise. By communication noise – or visual noise – we mean anything that can distract to such an extent that the 43
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listener begins to generate internal conversations and quickly loses interest in the actual conversation. Such accessory decisions can as well be caused by misused items, improperly chosen colors or size exaggerations. For example, a tie that is too big or too short and a bow tie that squeezes a man’s neck are easily improved-upon details that can draw a woman’s attention during a first date. Likewise, hair dye that does not go with the individual’s full presentation can become a distraction. A Case Study in Point I would like to present a case that I will title, Mary’s Disappointment. Mary, whose face carries small or delicate features, was wearing pretty and large handmade earrings during a dinner engagement with her husband. However, throughout the evening, her husband’s gaze was fixated on her ears; he was definitely distracted. In fact, several times during the evening, he mentioned her earrings. During our consultation, Mary explained how much she was disappointed by this behavior, without understanding why. Wanting to be impartial and objective, I made sure I first viewed a photo of her with these earrings. Well, reality did indeed do justice to the spouse: the earrings were very much in competition with her 44
T HE EFFECT OF ACCES SORIES
face, which explained her husband’s behavior. He was battling a visual noise, preventing him from concentrating on important elements of the conversation. Keep it Subtle I’m speaking to women here: subtlety is essential when you want to arouse someone’s interest, and make sure they are focusing on your speech rather than on the accessories that you are wearing. Likewise, for men who wish to hold a woman’s attention: in addition to showing her your readiness to listen, you want to capture her attention. In this case, the less extravagant your own accessories should be. The more extravagantly a man presents himself, the less comfortable a woman will be in spending an intimate and personal moment with this fellow. This is why, men, your vacation shirt that reminds people of Hawai’i or the enchanting Caribbean-style shirt aren’t perhaps ideal for work. Indeed, your holiday shirt or your illustrated Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh T-shirt can be distracting, and you can easily divert your partner’s attention. In such circumstances, you’ll want to keep the other’s attention on your person and not on the T-shirt or on the napkin, so that, among other things, the moment is even more magical. 45
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Welcoming Someone into Your Life with Accessories Another aspect to consider with accessories is that they demonstrate a sense of concern and a level of preparation in welcoming someone into your life. Indeed, one does not by chance choose a particular brooch or even a front-pocketed shirt without carefully thinking about it. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to recommend the purchase of new linens and bedding, improvements in color and texture for the bedroom walls or simply color choices of décor. Accessories for the Rooms in Our House In addition to what we wear, the atmosphere that we create around us also makes a difference and helps open avenues for communication. Choose accessories for the rooms in your house that go with your tastes. And, I cannot say this enough: choose wisely, considering both partners in the relationship. Accessories and Your Personal Style One of the ways to mark your uniqueness would be to use an element that conveys your personal style. For example, if you like to read, a pretty book-shaped brooch or an antique-style pen could be a great idea – advice for men as well as for women. 46
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Finally, these well-applied tips, such as adding those little touches that can indeed radically transform an image, have helped many of my clients to improve their relationship with their spouses.
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WHAT SUPPORT LOOKS LIKE BETWEEN PARTNERS
Support
C
ouples share many things, failures as well as successes. But these successes (or failures) aren’t always happening to each person in the couple simultaneously. This is why it’s important for each member of the couple to know how to be in the spotlight or how to sit back and experience the other partner’s success. Even in a long and lasting relationship, there are certain things to carefully consider. For example, during a party in which your partner is in the spotlight, you should avoid any dress that diverts attention away from your partner. The best thing is to add a dose of sobriety to your outfit, regardless of the type of event. Each circumstance calls a for different attire: a sober or an extravagant outfit, according to the event’s dress code. The choice of fabrics, accessories and even the cut of fabric can create an extraordinary or moderate presentation. In keeping to the dress code dictated by the situation, you will be sure to show respect, support and your recognition of the success of your partner, without overshadowing the event or your partner and without diminishing yourself in any way.
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A Case Study We can observe this reality, every year, with the televised roll-out of the red carpet, on the evening of the Oscars or during the Cannes Film Festival. When each couple arrives on that red carpet, there is a specific moment when the partners separate to take individual photos, after which the two are featured again, together. It’s the same when one of the partners is a star and the other is not. Indeed, there is rhyme and reason for this momentary separation: it marks the space and the personal trajectory of each member of the couple. An Example of Letting Your Significant Other Shine Couples we meet every day tell us the same reality. They can point to specific moments when they had to give the other their space and time in the spotlight. One example is when a loved one is given distinction, during the presentation of an award for a job accomplished, for instance. During this moment, the spouse should be very careful to let the other enjoy this privileged moment, leaving him or her to greet those present for the occasion. In this case, we are not only concerning ourselves with what we wear but also thinking about our own body language. Indeed, gestures and one’s posture 52
W H AT SU PPORT LOOKS LIK E BE T W EEN PA RT NERS
both hold capital importance. The member of the couple not in the spotlight is essentially accompanying the other on a speedboat ride. The whole event brings its share of attention to the other, as well. This is why both people in the relationship must respect the dress code and the established protocols. Final Note: No Need to be Stars Finally, I can already see you mentally replying that both of you are hardly stars. Don’t worry! It’s the same scenario for each couple. Giving your partner the support and space they need to shine when they are in the spotlight is a mark of respect and deep love. And this is done, in turn, because for every couple, there comes the day when each one needs to be supported or to support the other!
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COLLABOR ATING TOGETHER
The Language of Intimacy
“A
little of something goes a long way.� This common expression can be applied to the ideals couples strive toward: collaboration. But what is this quality so sought after? In an attempt to define this term, we can say that collaboration is the glue that unites two beings, facilitating a rapid and equal understanding of a gesture or a word, without either party having given any verbal explanations or details. It is therefore especially important to count on a couple’s togetherness, a virtue which has its source in the facts and experiences lived by both, in the pair, throughout their journey together. You probably are wondering how this all affects your image and your image of what love looks like. In fact, those within a couple generally expect to see intimate communication and seem surprised when it is missing. The level of communication and, yes, as well its absence, serve as a barometer to measure the harmony between the two people in the relationship. However, do not be discouraged if this chemistry does not exist between you and your partner. Nothing is lost yet, and it is entirely possible to develop this kind of togetherness with simple, everyday 57
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exchanges, to be able to interpret and put into words one look or a specific gesture. Intimate Communication as a Prerequisite to Romance How is this intimate communication useful? Often in life, we run out of time and need to act quickly. Hence, the importance of a couple communicating effectively, far away from intruders. How many times does one spouse get the other out of an embarrassing situation, either with some kind of explanation or by diverting attention elsewhere? This jumped out at me the day I arrived home, exhausted, and saw my partner bringing in an item that I needed but had forgotten to buy myself. What joy I felt, at this seemingly small action! My spouse somehow knew I’d forgotten it, just by reading the small, everyday signs. This is what I’m speaking of, when I speak of intimacy. There are even cases in which a spouse helps to resolve a dispute between his or her partner and a third party. This intimacy and partner-to-partner communication is why I meet, periodically, with both people in the relationship, as I find this consultation (with the wife or husband of a client together in the same room as the client) imminently helpful. The other member will often reveal much more information to me through his or her interactions and communications with their spouse in the room together than if I had received my client alone. 58
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The Ingredients of Intimate Language Thus, the partner-to-partner language that is particular to the couple is revealed in each partner’s non-verbal language, through each partner’s intuition and knowledge of the other and through the fruits of time and observation. So, please do take some time to get to know your partner, his or her gestures, tastes and even what your partner doesn’t like too much. This investment will translate into ease in communication, increased mutual empathy and could even result in a language known only to you two! Very often an exchange of words takes a lot longer than communication through a look exchanged. This is so important, as the surprises, the gifts and all the like become more manageable if you learn to read what your partner offers nonverbally. And as we will see later, over time, both positive and negative moments take part in forming this sense of complicity. This is why we may notice that the older the couple, the higher the degree of their intimate communication. So, dear readers, save yourself from stress by paying attention to your partners!
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THE USE OF SOCIAL NETWORKS
What Social Networks Mean to the Modern Couple
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he most beautiful adventures are those held inside the heart: an old adage that now seems outdated with the great entry of social networks into our lives. Nowadays, we want to share everything. My advice? Watch out! Don’t believe everything you see. Each shared photo has a hidden story. Also, knowing that you do not control your audience should tell you that it is perhaps better to be reserved with what you decide to share. For example, sharing everything with the public, such as the changes in your love life or in who your partner is, could eventually get back to you and reflect poorly; hence, pay attention to and remember the importance of working on your relationships and concentrating on your time together, rather than spending your time online, posting. What It Means to Give Others a Role in Your Life This means that you should work outside social networks, not giving any media exposure to these changes, nor writing on your social media page. Avoid giving others a say in your decisions. In a way, your indiscretions have given them the right to make decisions concerning your relationship. Certainly, the 63
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postings or opinions of others will not always be what you’ve expected; things will not always go the way you’ve intended. People don’t necessarily have your interests in mind. Your Online Appearance Another thing to be on the alert for with regards to online exposure is how you appear in photos or whom you’re with in these photos. As soon as you are officially with another in a relationship you hope to continue and build, you may wish to avoid posting any photos that compromise this relationship. Avoid anything that could be misinterpreted online, even when you know the truth. Be careful to not say or reveal too much; weigh the pros and cons of everything you want to share, comments and documents, because your postings are there for all time. Intentional Comments and Posting Online And when it comes to comments that you intentionally make about your relationship, remember that what you want to say to your partner does not need to be published online. This privacy is worth its weight in gold. No need to brag on social media. Such postings make you vulnerable, as they reveal insecurities on the part of the author. In addition, an excessive need for affirmation undermines credibility. It’s better 64
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to let others, such as your love interest, speak for themselves. Avoid trying to impress your followers. Excess in everything is detrimental, right? If to Post, Where to Post? Finally, with regard to photographs of couples, the degree of intimacy portrayed is a good measurement of how eligible these photos are for publication on personal or professional accounts, or if they are completely private and therefore not appropriate for network sharing. Remember that as soon as they are published, the damage is done, even when we hope to erase everything. It is quite difficult to stop the flow of information and best to refrain from posting compromising materials. Indeed, while you’re engaged in the activity, I would also recommend not posting straight to social media. No need for any photos as the best memories are kept in your heart. Here are some recommendations for your online behavior. Things you should avoid: • inappropriate comments that seem to be more about your ego than your current relationship; • intensive activity on the accounts of those within old relationships; • posting photographs of compromising situations with friends and relations;
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• aggressive responses to an inappropriate comment or to inappropriate comments. This is all beneficial advice to those who wish to avoid any misunderstanding or wish to respect others and obtain respect. Refrain from sharing excessively and remember that being at peace with yourself is priceless.
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HOLIDAYS AND PRIVATE TRIPS
Taking Time for Yourselves – Going Out, Traveling Traveling, picnicking or visiting historic places takes on another dimension when we are in a relationship. These activities provide an auspicious time to cultivate bonding. Such outings allow us to get to know each other better and to establish our relationship; they help bring us closer. But interesting as vacations are, everyone knows they’re not so easy to plan. Whether you don’t have a lot of time, have a great deal of work or because of other reasons, it sometimes takes a great deal of push-and-pull to win your case. If you want to continue to grow your relationship, one of the simplest techniques is to prepare your vacation for two. Save this time in your respective calendars, remembering it is so easy to get lost in the day-to-day and that these private holidays will strengthen your relationship. Why Vacation? Vacations provide the ideal opportunity to keep yourself away from social networks and to truly relax. Also, learn to keep certain moments for yourself, as a precious memory; the most beautiful 69
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things are indeed those that we keep in our hearts, as Desiree (a regular customer of mine) would say. During private outings, it’s also important to define not only the purpose of the outing but to also choose those whom you may wish to accompany you. Know that this is all about making you happy, about your having a good time: to rekindle the flame and create new unforgettable experiences.
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PARENTING AND MARRIED LIFE
Clothing and Activities (together, as a couple, alone, vs. being out with the kids)
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hen we talk about multiple events for which we should prepare our wardrobe, we often think of work or other ordinary activities, like going to the supermarket and perhaps those activities we do with our kids or are involved in, in some way, because of our kids: sports, ballet lessons, music or our children’s soccer games. But I have observed that we rarely mention activities that just the two of those in the couple do; we need to remember that time with our significant other is precious. Our relationship requires special care. When looking over your wardrobe, you should take into account the different situations and events in your life. As much as you have to fulfill your role as a mother or father by accompanying the children in their multiple activities, it is also important to remember other things, to count on playing certain songs, for instance, those reserved for intimate moments. Your partner will sense your interest in being with just him or her and will perceive your beauty in yet another way: outside of your role as a father or as a mother – your role of being a parent literally melts 73
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away in such moments. Ladies, remember, the effect of a trompe l’oeil, an optical illusion with regards to clothing, like transparent or flesh-colored pieces. There is nothing like the illusion … and men love it! Ladies and Gentlemen, make a habit of creating time for your outings for two and especially do not count outings with the whole family in this equation … even more so when it comes to blended families, in which there are so many important challenges to meet. Children and Building One’s Relationship Far be it for me to alarm anyone. Instead, let’s see, together, how to negotiate coupledom and the reconstituted family. Reconstituted families are fragile. Children from different households might have had different educational backgrounds and may have formed, over time, certain habits that are different from those habits of their half brothers and sisters. Blended Families What you want to do, above all, is to protect your union and the children, knowing that these adjustments could cause harm to your future as a couple if at the same time you do not create personal and intimate space with your spouse. You can create this either through simple activities, such as watching a 74
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movie together, drinking with your partner or even going on romantic getaways, allowing both of you the time to converse without restriction. Daily life is not always easy; protect your privacy, which will make this new life all the more pleasant. A Case Study At the beginning of my career, I knew a beautiful woman who was in her second marriage, bringing with her, her children from a previous union, who were adolescents at the time. The pressure she was carrying on her shoulders to make everyone happy blinded her, so she had trouble distinguishing between her role as mother and as wife. Quite often, I’ve found that women in blended families feel guilty and face a great deal of pressure caused by fear of criticism from other parents, other families or even from their children. And this woman was not the only one living this situation at home. To rekindle the flame in this love life, the solution was to separate this couple’s outings with those planned as a family. Thus, it was now possible for her to focus on outfits that pleased her husband and that, out of modesty and due to other fears, she had set aside. Their getaways for two and evenings going out dancing together had done them a lot of good as well. Later, this woman no longer had these feelings of guilt. 75
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The Moral of This Story The moral of the story is that by having space for every facet of our life, we achieve balance and happiness. To mix everything up and to confuse things means we are only working toward ill. Get rid of the source of these ills. Also, I encourage you, ladies, to put aside daring and attractive pieces in your wardrobe for your vacation days, outings and intimate moments. With regards to the men, we might find the same thing occurs when the man finds himself monopolized by family activities and work. Here, he may neglect life as a couple. Inviting his wife out or even into a discussion tacitly says, “I’ve been thinking about you,” especially when he has very demanding responsibilities. I therefore strongly encourage you, men, to plan your outings as a couple by developing a fixed calendar; and if you are stuck, opt for a change of date, instead of canceling and having no backup plans. Without such attention, you both might become discouraged, and monotony may then be what qualifies your partnership, allowing for a certain emptiness to enter. On a More Personal Note Finally, on a more personal note, I admit that I’ve often found myself in various situations in which 76
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even I have to become more cognitive of everything. As a speaker, trainer and wife of an active musician, I often find that my schedule is not easily reconciled with my own partner’s. Very often, we fight like tooth and nail just to find the opportunity to be together, just the two of us. We must then be intentional in our desire and cognitive of our needs if we wish to continue living together. This leads us to choose places with little traffic, and places that are calm and quiet that encourage conversation.
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REGARDING AGE
On Age Differences in the Relationship
“L
ove has no age; it is always young,” Pascal wrote in the 17th century, later repeated by Faguet, in the 19th century. This reasoning leads us to this chapter, where we go over issues regarding the couple’s different ages and other large differences between the pair.
Why approach this subject? In reality, despite all the love each partner has for the other, each is at a different stage in his or her life. “At every age, its pleasures.” How true ! However, harmony may again reign when the two decide to invest in the relationship and treat each other with respect, while respecting their own path. Understanding Each Other’s Personal Space There are also cases that I have had in which I can detect certain pressures on both sides, often expressed by a tendency of each individual to want to forget himself or herself in order to fully embrace the reality of the other. This solution tends to be harmful and often leads to rupture. Indeed, the solution I recommend is rather getting to know each other 81
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better, getting to know the other persons tastes and what composes their personal space. We recommend, in other words, learning how to define your own personal space and that of the other member of the couple before identifying whatever tastes and space are occupied by the couple, as a whole. In this way, things that the couple do together will gain in depth, flavor and intensity. Understanding each other’s individuality and personal space helps to reconcile differences and protect the relationship. The real problem arises when a person would rather pull the blanket aside, forgetting the presence of the other and their need for personal and private space. A Case Study Take the case of Peter, 29, married to Jane, 42. In this case, although both love each other and have chosen to live together, in practice, concessions have been imposed and made, but Peter’s and Jane’s needs are not the same. Peter wants to spend time with his friends and attend soccer and basketball games. These things are still important, and he is likely to be around women his age; while Jane, who has successfully climbed her career ladder, spends her time in professional networking events, cocktails and conferences that occupy a large part of her agenda. The result? Little time to devote to her husband’s soccer tournaments. 82
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In this case, we suggest the following compromise: that Peter be present in some of Jane’s activities and dress appropriately, while Jane, in addition to her business shoes, brings more casual clothes along with her in the morning, such as jeans and tennis shorts, to accompany Pierre to his soccer games. Why? Without this added, conscious initiative, Jane has unintentionally communicated two messages: • It doesn’t matter what you do, but I will accompany you … • I don’t see why you’re still wasting your time doing this … Listening and Attentiveness Again, we see that harmony in a romantic relationship is not static, nor is it an exact formula. Determining what is best takes some listening and attention to one another. Regardless of the details in the case above, there is only one common point to remember: understanding one another and practicing effective communication is always a winning formula.
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IMAGE, CULTURE AND RELIGION
Religion, Culture and Challenge
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eligion is indeed a delicate theme, and culture is another one. However, considering their direct impact on style and on the relationship, let us see how these two affect the couple. Let us also keep in mind that partners from different cultures and religions don’t necessarily have problems in their relationships, but it could happen. For all situations, as an image consultant, I promote conversation in order to find harmony and to have both individuals understand the other’s point of view. Mutual Agreement: an agreement that is mutually respected When two people decide to be together, all aspects of the relationship must be dealt with and the rules of the game clearly defined. To this end, the pair should arrive at a mutual agreement that will become the norm and that will be respected, with the couple deciding on this agreement, without regrets and without grief. In my own experiences, I often see that the things that may inspire agreement are one partner’s use of cigarettes, for instance, his or her use of alcohol and many other issues that usually create 87
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problems and highlight differences. When ‘drafting’ (or discussing) the agreement, remember that, moving forward, you will show wisdom in respecting your agreement if you really believe in it. One great thing you can do in a couple is to compromise; even better it is to take on the choices and keep in mind the particularities inherent in your union. What inspires me to tell you about this theme is that more than once I had to work with clients, as individuals, or as couples, and help them through this part of their relationships or lives, alone or together. Someone may like a piece of clothing, a dress for instance, certainly, but not be comfortable wearing it. This discomfort could even affect a person’s body language or even their self-projection in public. Based on my experience, the depth of a V-neck, transparent clothing and the length of a skirt or dress usually create issues within a couple. So, I invite you to fully understand what each one of you are agreeing upon and to be on the same page, regarding what is valuable to each of you. As an image consultant who respects your needs, I recommend you find the garment you want; clothing alteration services are also helpful.
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A Case Study – Religion For this case, religion had an impact over image. I assisted in a wedding, and the man’s religion was different from the woman’s. They had to agree upon clothing for the ceremony. My job as an image consultant in this case was to help to choose what suits the person, while understanding and respecting the dress code and making sure that both individuals look great. Clothing Awkwardness ‘Clothing awkwardness’ may be widely observed in couples who are interracial and/or intercultural, where the norms and beliefs of one person in the couple are not necessarily those of the other. Why? What is wrong for one could be right for others. Is this your case? If so, first set out with the right agreement and create your own standards, one that works for both of you, to make sure you both are happy. Above all, avoid putting too much weight on other people’s words or opinions of you and with respect to the relationship. As you already know, religion and politics are private matters that have nothing to do with anyone else.
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A Case Study – Culture Here is an example of different situations I had in my career. Communication is very important in each case. An example to illustrate this point is the case of this lovely couple: Louise, who is quite progressive is married to Amad, a man of Arab descent. Although he was born in the West, Amad nonetheless believes in respecting certain principles of his culture when it comes to women’s outfits. In the past, Louise had a hard time choosing an outfit because she wanted to assert her personal tastes as much as she wished to please her husband by honoring their agreement. The discrepancies between her personal tastes and individuality and wishing to honor her agreement with her husband led to issues. To resolve this conflict, it was first necessary to understand both the couple and each person’s individuality, then to redefine their expectations and their common wishes. In the long run, they needed to find outfits that matched their criteria, and to find brands that suited their needs. The solution for this couple was for Louise to choose a V-neck dress whose V-neck wasn’t too revealing, so she didn’t have to fit a tank top underneath or place a scarf over the V.
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And the Result Was … The result was … SUCCESS! Everyone was happy in the end – indeed, that was our goal. I firmly believe that fashion is not here to impose itself but to accompany. In any case, as Louise managed to do, seek the help of a professional who will help you fully reflect upon the person you truly are, individually, and, then – and only then – on who you are in the couple. Wanting is power, they say. And that’s all it takes!
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FINAL WORD
A
fter this great journey together, I hope that you have found points on which to work to rekindle the flame of love in your relationship or to embark on that journey to meet your future spouse. As we have just seen here, every couple is different, with different needs and desires, cultures, ages, backgrounds, professions, etc., but harmony, mutual aid, intimate communication and every other sort of communication all remain essential. To illustrate this, we want to end with two exercises. First, we invite you to define the two main aspects of your image that you can improve without external assistance. Fill in the lines for Points A and B below. Point A
Point B
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Next, identify two other aspects for which you would need the advice of an image consultant. When you feel ready, do not hesitate to contact me at the following address: info@rhodielamour.com Point A
Point B
We would be honored to guide you along the path of achieving your image of love, while respecting your authenticity and your different responsibilities and different daily and life activities. We also salute your desire to move forward by making better choices. No matter what you do in life, know that you can always take control of your image. Just read over and apply the instructions offered here. You can accomplish great things! And, why not? Why not change your personal image?! All the best on this journey!
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BIOGR APHY As a woman who follows her head and the heart, Rhodie Lamour has found that success has stemmed from a most impressive professional career. Although she is the first Haitian woman to graduate in Telecommunications Engineering1, she decided to leave her brilliant career to devote herself entirely to personal and corporate imagery. To prepare for this profession, she graduated from the best school in the world: the Fashion Institute of Technology State University of New York (FIT) – an institution from which fashion designers Michael Kors and Isabel Toledo also graduated – and continued this specialty at the Image Resource Center of New York (IRCNY) for its studies in colors. But her immense talents took her even further. Trained as a professional model at the Barbizon School and Agency, she is also an actress and professional dancer in Latin and Afro rhythms, which has led to her participation in various television commercials, photographic projects, short and international feature 1. From the Pontificia Universidad Católica Madre y Maestra, in Santiago de Los Caballeros, in the Dominican Republic 97
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films, including one that is currently on the American TV channel HBO, Cristo Rey. In addition to her appearances on both the small and large screens, Rhodie Lamour has as well made a name for herself as a communicator, thanks to her work on the very popular television program SIN 24 Horas, as well as with her blogs and with essays in newspapers and in the magazine Emprendedores, printed in the Dominican Republic. This impressive background has well positioned her to be a leader, conducting conferences and workshops around the world, presenting strategies that help people find their own, individual positive and consistent selfimage. In addition to these many years of experience as a trainer, Rhodie Lamour has collaborated with many respected fashion designers, such as Carolina Herrera and Bibhu Mohapatra. It goes without saying that she has also created her own line of exclusive jewelry. In 2012, she founded RHODIE GLAMOR SRL in the Dominican Republic. Known for her art and professionalism, her authenticity and her great ability to facilitate communication, she quickly became all the rage on the world stage and a consultant for business people and senior executives of private and government companies, as well as for many public figures.
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In 2018, with her international experience – she already consults in more than twelve countries – she moved to Canada and created RHODIE LAMOUR, INC. Wishing to share her knowledge with the general public, she’s written this English version of her first book, titled Amour et Style: un couple gagnant and, following that, in Spanish, Amor et Estilo: una pareja ganadora. Businesswoman and active member of AICI (Association of Image Consultants International), CRSC (Color Research Society of Canada), La Grappe Métropolitaine de la Mode (MMODE) and the Réseau des Femmes d’Affaires du Québec, Rhodie believes, above all, in human support and respect for others in all circumstances. She demonstrates this in many ways, among which is her involvement in two causes that are dear to her: support for people with cancer, often for people with breast cancer, and by helping people with reduced mobility. She continues her approach with them through chats, conferences, fashion shows and in other ways, hoping to help them increase their self-confidence and to open them up to new possibilities at each stage of their lives.
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REFERENCES Dr. Mehrabian, A. (1971). Silent Messages, The doubleedged message, p. 43. ISBN 0-534-00059-2 Pascal, B. 1623-1662; Discours sur les Passions de l’Amour. Later reprinted by Faguet, in the 19th century. Commentaire du Discours sur les Passions de l’Amour, XXI, p. 65. Lamour, R. (2019) “Living together is accepting and giving yourself.”
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NOTES
ISBN 978-2-98182-189-8
