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Brought to you by:

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood and has learned that most good stories don’t begin with, “and then I decided to keep my mouth shut.” His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. He has been published in numerous trade journals, business publications, and lifestyle magazines and is now a weekly contributor to Funnies Extra!. ©2011 Jim Lein / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

My Facebook Obsession

willpower faltered. My 100th friend was a young, cute, pink-haired bartender at a local watering hole—a ‘Cheers’ moment I guess. Soon I was up over 200. A high school classmate By Jim Lein that I couldn’t remember even after studying their profile picture? Click. was an early adopter of Facebook, A guy in Minnesota who has the joining in 2008 when it had only same name as me? Giggle. Click. 100 million members. At first, logI remained steadfast in not friendging in gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. ing co-workers. I’d counter those reBut over time it became a craving— quests with a LinkedIn invitation and an itch that needed to be scratched. a polite internal email saying, “Yes, Early on, the thought of having 100 we’re friends but I keep my profesfriends was ludicrous—my standards sional and private lives separate.” My were so high. But soon the requests co-workers are bright people and I’m came pouring in. Once I hit 99, I de- sure they interpret this as, “I’d precreed that I could only add a friend fer you don’t see photos of me skiing if I dropped another. Of course, then powder at noon on a Tuesday”. This I started receiving repeat requests exclusion strategy seemed to work from friends I’d dropped. Each time until I received a friend request from I’d re-friend them with some excuse. Raj who works for me out of Banga“My profile got hacked and I’m re- lore, India. (Disclaimer: the following building it”, or, “my daughter deleted names have been changed to protect some friends when I wasn’t looking the innocent.) Our relationship conbecause I forbade her from getting sists of email interchanges and bia third ear piercing”. I lost track of weekly calls. He’s young, competent, which excuse I’d used with which and eager to please as far as I can tell. person. More white lies…a vicious I didn’t know what to do. Would it be cycle of deception. And each time I’d a tremendous cultural faux pas to not re-friend someone I’d have to drop accept? Like shaking the hand of the another. Queen of England? On our next call

set on. “I’m talking to Uncle Jimmy in America.” Click. Two days later I received a friend request from Kavitha, Raj’s cubicle mate and seemingly sweet mother of two. Click.

bit slow since no one recognized my alternative persona name and its profile picture of Jeff Bridges as Rooster Cogburn in the new version of True Grit.

I thought I’d be OK, with an ocean and the International Dateline separating us. But then I received friend request from Rahul. He grew up in India but is now an American citizen entrenched in our social and corporate cultures. He’s also a Vice President and my bosses’ right hand man. One slip up with him is a CLM (Career Limiting Move). A true friend would jump start my car at 7 a.m. and 30 below. Rahul would probably dial AAA and send me the bill. But Rahul could see that I was friends with ‘teammates’ Raj and Kavitha. How could I not friend him?

Over time, and with therapy, I realized I had become a Facebook addict. A conclusion that you no doubt came to a few minutes ago. After all, if I really have hundreds of friends how come only 14 showed up at my band’s last gig? While I was able to go cold turkey on Coke (caffeine) and goldfish crackers (empty carbs), I’m only able to moderate my Facebook vice. I visit my original profile about once a week and accept all requests. 300, 400, 500—what the heck—I share nothing about my life there. My alternative persona profile is a scruffy collection of about 50 friends who might actually come hear my band play and legitimately enjoy my selfportraits taken on chairlifts and exposed rock formations.

I panicked, taking down every picture posted on my profile and deleting everything in the ‘Info’ section like ‘Personal Interests’ (skiing during the week) and ‘Favorite Movies’ (Horrible Bosses). I returned to his friend request and took a deep breath. Click. Then, in some twisted logic, I created a new profile under an alternative persona and sent friend requests to only an exclusive inner Yet I held out for weeks at 99, wait- Raj told me his three year old son sits circle of friends. Acceptance was a ing for just the right new friend. My at Daddy’s desk with the phone head-

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A couple months ago, I perked up when they launched Google Plus, the next big thing in social networking. I signed up and within minutes received my first friend request. Hi Jim. Raj would like to join your circle. Click.

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