FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION #17 by Funnies Extra, LLC

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MAT-SU VALLEY

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VOLUME 1 , NO. 17 by DAVE BLAZEK

OFF THE MARK

by MARK PARISI

NOVEMBER 2012 SPECTICKLES

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LOOSE PARTS

HAVE A LAUGH ON US!

“Do you have to take up the whole bed?”

Mention this ad at our shop & receive a FREE 2 oz. Pot Pack of Coffee Co

4576 South Glenn Hwy, Palmer

Mat-Su Valley’s Monthly Humor Paper! Your Local Source for Comics, Word Games, Puzzles, Humor Columns and More! To Advertise, email: funnies.matsu@gmail.com

CHUCKLE BROS by BRIAN & RON BOYCHUK

by BRAD DILLER © Copyright B&L Capital / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

FUNDAYMORNING.com

CAPTION CONTEST

Send your best caption to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Caption Contest” in the subject line. The winning caption will be published with the winner’s name, age, city and state two editions later with permission.

“that’s the horse i rode in on. i think she overheard you.”

(Void where prohibited.) *DON’T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME, INFO & EDITION #!

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VOL 1, NO. 17 - NOVEMBER, 2012

WIZARD OF ID

by PARKER, MASTROIANNI AND HART

Accessible ––––––––––––––––– Experienced ––––––––––––––––– Reliable

AUTO ACCIDENTS

Adoptions Back & Neck Injuries Medical Injuries

CREEK by BRIAN MARTIN

BEN WHIPPLE ––––– Attorney –––––

745-1776 Serving Alaskans Since 1993 Admitted in Alaska & California

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– 1150 S. Colony Way in the Key Bank Plaza

Palmer

*Ben and Jerry’s send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. *Dolphins sleep with one eye open. *”Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt.”

(Message Only) 907-775-9160 ~ (Office) 760-917-2417 12901 W. Arctic Avenue, Palmer, AK 99645 Office Hours: 9-5 Mon-Thu, 9-2 Fri Ad Deadlines: Friday Noon - 3 weeks prior to Distribution Date If proof is required - Thursday Noon

EDITION #15 CAPTION CONTEST CO-WINNER WHEN WILL YOU TWO LEARN TO PLAY NICE?

SHELLY BANG, 37 - Palmer, AK

by SCOTT NICKEL

HOOSIERVILLE

by MARK BRAYER

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Zack Lanphier - Publisher funnies.matsu@gmail.com

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STRANGER THINGS by TIM THOMSON

WORD GAMES P U Z Z L E S

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ANSWERS AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles

ANSWERS ONLINE AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles or scan with your Smartphone

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HARA KIWI

by BRIAN MARTIN

IMAGINE THAT

by LECTRR

by TOM GAMMILL

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THE DOOZIES

Come check out our holiday gift packages FRANK AND STEINWAY

by WIL PANGANIBAN

One coupon per purchase. Only available at Alaska Wild Berry Products in Wasilla. Excludes shipping and clearance items. Limited time only. Expires 1/31/13.

*The Bambino, Babe Ruth, wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep cool. He changed it every 2 innings. *Almonds are a member of the peach family. *All porcupines float in water.

FUNNY PAPER

by DANIEL COLLINS

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WORD FIND BY MIA VONNE

THANKSGIVING

Where Good Taste Comes Naturally!

(907) 376-9600 Suite A-100 in the Creekside Plaza Wasilla

Offering a full- service deli with artisan sandwiches, soups, salads, and desserts. We make bread the way Grandma made it by hand, fresh, naturally!

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Alaska Truck and Equipment Repair

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CRANKY GIRL

by BRIDGETT SPICER

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On- and Off-Highway Equipment Medium- to Heavy-Duty Clutch Adjustments Brake Inspections and Adjustments Minor to Major Engine Component Repairs Valve/Fuel Injector Adjustments Tire Work

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FUTURE SHOCK

DINGERS

by JIM & PAT McGREAL

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by MICHAEL KANDALAFT

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DOGS OF C-KENNEL

by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

HOLY MOLÉ

by RICK HOTTON

173 S. Valley Way Downtown Palmer

(corner of S. Valley & Blueberry)

745-PIZZA 745-7499

Offering 16 Varieties of Gourmet Pizza

with your choice of white, wheat or gluten-free crust

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KARMA CAFÉ

by RICHARD CROSS & BILL ABBOTT

Also try our Signature Salads and Appetizers Tue-Sat 11am-11pm Sun 12-9 Closed Monday Dine-in/Carry-out

HALF BAKED

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by RICK ELLIS

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THE OTHER COAST

by ADRIAN RAESIDE

Abby’s Home Cooking Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner

Private Parties

FRESH Homemade Breads Handmade Soups Pies from Scratch

Don’t See it on the Menu? JUST ASK! Dine In or Carry Out Tue-Sat 9am-8pm Sun 11am-5pm

Corner of Church Rd. and Seldon Rd. Wasilla AK 376-1655

Say Aloha!

RALF THE DESTROYER

by SCOTT LINCOLN

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Daily Dinner Specials, and Desserts

SUNSHINE STATE

by GRAHAM NOLAN

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PICKLES

by BRIAN CRANE

To Hula Hands’ newest location! Now Open! Meadow Lakes City Center 244 S. Sylvan Road Wasilla, AK 99654

907-373-HULA(4852) Mon-Sat 11-10 Sun Closed VOL 1, NO. 17 - NOVEMBER, 2012 ǁ www.funnies-extra.com ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION ǁ 9

OPEN MOUTH...INSERT FOOT

Brought to you by:

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood and has learned that most good stories don’t begin with, “and then I decided to keep my mouth shut.” His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. He has been published in numerous trade journals, business publications, and lifestyle magazines and is now a weekly contributor to Funnies Extra!. ©2011 Jim Lein / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

Happy Birthday To Me By Jim Lein “Meh” is an interjection, often used to describe indifference. Today’s my birthday and I am, at best, indifferent. My lack of enthusiasm for that special day started a few years ago. It was a milestone birthday that most people celebrate by planning well in advance and scheduling an awesome, bucket-list type of activity. One of my buddies trekked Nepal. Another went skydiving. You get the idea. I’m lucky. My birthday’s in the middle of September, the most beautiful time of the year everywhere. Sometimes there’s nothing like a birthday to spoil an otherwise gorgeous day. A month prior to that milestone birthday I was chatting on the phone with my Mom. My parents spend summers in Minnesota and winters in Arizona and always stop by when traveling between the two. “We’re leaving two weeks early this year,” Mom said. “So we can celebrate your birthday with you!” There was a silence, a pregnant pause, I think it’s called. “If you have other plans…we understand,” she said in a hurt voice. I’d stuck my

foot in my mouth without uttering a word. Truth was, I didn’t have other plans. I stewed about it for weeks. I felt blessed that both my parents and my in-laws were healthy and able to celebrate with me. And I hadn’t been with my parents on my birthday since high school. But I felt a little cheated because I knew it wouldn’t be much of a party. My parents are restricted to a bland, low sodium diet, so we’d be eating unsalted mashed potatoes and meatloaf at about 4 and chasing it down with 7UP on the rocks. And I’d be trying to carry a conversation with two men who respond to everything you say by leaning forward, tilting their heads, and saying, “What?” Sounds petty, right? My birthday fell on a Friday. My parents went to Wal-Mart to get an oil change, so I decided to play hooky and take my brand-new ATV for an off-road adventure on a local trail. I had a pretty good time and my attitude improved. I swung by the house to pick up my lovely lady so we could catch the early band at the infamous Little Bear Saloon—rock out for a few hours then come home, cut the cake with the kids and the parents, and everything would be hunky dory.

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But I pulled into the driveway and there was my in-laws’ Lincoln parked next to my parents’ Malibu. My wife scurried down to head me off at the pass. “They wanted to start the party early,” she said sheepishly. Sure enough, they were all sitting on the deck sipping virgin margaritas and munching on pita chips. Five mind-numbing hours later, at about 8 pm, the doorbell rang. For a brief moment I perked up. After all, when the doorbell rang at about the same time on my 30th birthday I opened the door to a stripper dressed like a cop. But alas, this time it was my neighbor, Paul, his wife, and their two sons. He glanced around the room and gave me a sympathetic look. “Happy Birthday,” he said dryly, handing me a liter of whiskey. His boys proudly presented me with a box of fireworks. I accepted the gifts and thanked them. I walked down the front stairs and stepped out into the yard. Everyone gathered on the deck above and watched me in silence. I arranged all the fireworks in a circle on the concrete cover of the septic system holding tank. Colorado only allows non-explosive and flightless fireworks—like cone fountains, ground spinners, illuminating torches—but these were the biggest legal fireworks I’d ever seen. I lit

VOL 1, NO. 17 - NOVEMBER, 2012

them one by one in succession. The darkness exploded with the sputtering, colorful light and the hissing and shrieking of the rockets. I took my shirt off and danced like a hedonistic pagan. As I cavorted in and out of the shower of sparks my audience started clapping and urging me on with louder and louder shouts of joy. As the last fountain fizzled out, I collapsed onto the brittle fall grass and stared up at the stars. Back in the house we put on some syrupy movie about a boy and a dog. The old men pulled their chairs up next to the speakers. My wife handed out Pepcid Complete. I fell asleep in my chair doing a Lincoln Memorial. That’s where you sit up straight with hands on the armrests and try to convince everyone else you’re not dozing off. I woke up in the middle of the night to a silent house and shuffled off to bed. Maybe adults should stop celebrating their birthdays after they turn 21. Each year, tear the page off the calendar and breathe a sigh of relief that you’re one year older, which is better than the alternative. I’ll end with that. I need to rummage through the pantry and find the fire extinguisher. It’s time to cut the cake.

BIZ

Dave Blazek by DAVE byBLAZEK

FIRST CALENDAR

1695 $1295 $1195 2nd thru 9th CALENDAR

10th thru 49th CALENDAR

50 or more CALENDARS

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“Oh, “Oh,I Iassure assureyou, you,sir. sir. Every resume passes right through Every resume passes right throughthis thisoffice.” office.”

HOXWINDER HALL

by DANIEL BORIS

24-HOUR EMERGENCY SERVICE

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Master Systems | Commercial and Residential | Auto, RV & ATV Mobile Service | New and Used Safes | Keys Made/Duplicated

*Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. *Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head. *Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning “containing arsenic.”

15 MINUTES

IL’S NcE a k nd SAfe

by ROBERT DUCKETT

Neil Moss, Certified Locksmith Covering Tok to Denali Since 1988

373-0961

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CRIME-QUIZ

by WERNER WEJP-OLSEN

FUNNIES EXTRA, LLC CORPORATE OFFICE: 6822 22nd Avenue North, #134, St. Petersburg, FL 33710 (office) 727-343-1243 (fax) 727-343-4477 www.funnies-extra.com ~ info@funnies-extra.com 12 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

Kim Kellogg - Editor ~ editor@funnies-extra.com Bill Kellogg - VP Sales & Marketing sales@funnies-extra.com ~ 907-441-6882 Richard Cross - Executive Publisher publisher@funnies-extra.com ~ Tel. 727-343-1243

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THIN LINES by Randy Glasbergen

14 dist. by InkBottleSyndicate.com

ANSWERS ONLINE AT: www.funnies-extra.com/ puzzles or scan icon above with your Smartphone. Get the free mobile app for your phone. http://gettag.mobi

AMAZING MAZES

by Sheila Anderson

www.faceb k.com/tasteslikechickencomic

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Tastes LikeBYChicken JOSH ALVES

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In a perfect world.

WEEKLY ANSWERS AT: www.funnies-extra.com/puzzles

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Cartoonist Sp tlight

Each quarter, Funnies Extra! will shine the Spotlight on new or little-known aspiring cartoonists and pay them for their ‘toons, too! Comic strips and panels will be published from cartoonists of any age along with a pic and short bio. Send each strip as a PDF file, 300 dpi, CMYK, along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Spotlight” in the subject line. Good luck! For submission guidelines and information, go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. (Participation void where prohibited.)

by MARK SIMON

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HOLLYWEIRD

Presented by:by:Webb’s ManagementServi Services, Presented Webb’Consulting s Consulting&&Management ces,IncInc.

MARK SIMON - Producer/Director/Cartoonist Mark Simon is a 25-year film & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies can be found online at www.Storyboards-East.com and include clients such as: Disney, Universal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Television and many others. Mark’s experience selling original TV series led to his founding www.SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of 10 popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

Saturday, Nov 17 from 10am-6pm Sunday, Nov 18 from 11am-5pm Dena’ina Center Exhibit Hall

Free Admission Handcrafted Gifts 200+ Alaskan Artists Door Prizes Gourmet Foods Santa and Elves ! Meet and Capture Photos with Santa for FREE - Just Bring Your Camera ! For more info: www.anchoragemarkets.com 907-272-5634 Sponsored by: 14 ǁ FUNNIES EXTRA! MAT-SU VALLEY EDITION

POCKET LINT

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CHUCK DOWNS - Cartoonist Haikus amuse me But sometimes can confuse me Refrigerator I always find random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the everpresent lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain. Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fights crime. Now that he is older, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a hamstring. He often “misuses” quotation marks, and likes to frequently split his infinitives.

VOL 1, NO. 17 - NOVEMBER, 2012

R E A L E S TAT E For a knowledgeable valley Realtor call Marty or Jay today! More than 20 years in Palmer and Wasilla helping people with real estate.

Marty Van Diest/ Broker 907.232.7900 marty@valleymarket.com

Jay Van Diest/ Sales Associate 907.232.4852 jay@valleymarket.com

www.valleymarket.com SPEED BUMP

by DAVE COVERLY

THE DEEP END

by TYSON COLE

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R E A L E S TAT E

by MASTROIANNI AND HART

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AutoHop feature is only available with playback of select HD primetime shows on ABC, CBS, FOX and NBC as part of PrimeTime Anytime feature. Both features must be enabled by customer and are subject to availability. Digital Home Advantage plan requires 24-month agreement and credit qualification. Cancellation fee of $17.50/month remaining applies if service is terminated before end of agreement. With qualifying packages, Online Bonus credit requires AutoPay with Paperless Billing, email opt-in for DISH E-Newsletter, and online redemption at www.mydish.com/getonlinebonus no later than 45 days from service activation. After applicable promotional period, then-current price will apply. Upfront fee, monthly fees, and limits on number and type of receivers will apply. PrimeTime Anytime feature not available in all markets. All prices, packages, programming, features, functionality and offers subject to change without notice. Additional restrictions may apply. Offer available for new and qualified former customers and ends 1/31/13.

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