Confidence

CONFIDENCE CONQUER ANY FEAR AND LIVE WITH CONFIDENCE

By Quentin Green

www RicherSelf com .

.

CONFIDENCE

Confidence Conquer any fear and live with confidence September 2017

by

Quentin Green

All Rights Reserved

Feel free to share this ebook via email, social media or link. Just please do not alter the contents. Thank you! www.richerself.com

www.richerself.com

1

CONFIDENCE

Contents

INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................................3

PART I: WHAT IS FEAR? ......................................................................................................................5

PART II: DEFINING YOUR FEAR .......................................................................................................... 10

PART III: SHIFTING YOUR THINKING .................................................................................................. 15

PART IV: REDEFINING YOUR MEMORIES ........................................................................................... 19

PART V: BUILDING YOUR CONFIDENCE ............................................................................................. 26

www.richerself.com

2

CONFIDENCE

INTRODUCTION This ebook is divided into five Parts. The basis of this document came from a series of posts on my website, but I felt they would serve a greater purpose if revised and packaged to provide higher value all in one document.

Each of the Parts are developed towards addressing limiting beliefs and expanding our comfort zones. Though the methodologies discussed can be applied towards any limiting belief, here I discuss how to address fear as well as build confidence.

These are huge concepts to take on, but I do hope that you find this helpful in reshaping how you think about Fear and discover some tools you can apply to help you take control of these thought patterns and build confidence to pursue dreams you never thought possible.

I bring the concepts of fear and confidence together because I firmly believe they go hand in hand. We want to get past our fear, to be certain, but we also want confidence to replace it. Likewise, we will not be able to increase our confidence if we don t add ess the u derlying fear. Too many times I see each of these topics addressed separately, or one only touched on, which is a shame.

This book will cover both topics so that you can apply the methodologies for maximum impact and value.

I am directing this to anyone who feels that there is more to live that what they a e u e tl e pe ie i g. Ma e ou a e stu k i a a ee ou do t lo e, o your life is out of balance or that you have a passion or Purpose you need to pursue.

Oftentimes we are in these situations because we are hesitant to change due to fear, so we become complacent. Our soul suffers.

www.richerself.com

3

CONFIDENCE

The concepts, methodologies and exercises covered in this book will work regardless of your motivations. We all face fear in our lives and could use additional confidence. This book will help you in both regards.

A note on the exercises. With each part, there are exercises to do on your own.

Reading is helpful to pass along information, but change comes from action.

Taking action is what is being prevented by fear, so it is important to take action if you want authentic change.

The exercises are simple, but they are progressive and process-based. Combined, they are a system you can use repeatedly for each of your fears, or other limiting beliefs.

You may notice that the common techniques to get through a fearful activity are not covered here. One of the common pieces of advice you may have heard when public speaking, for example, is to picture everyone in their underwear.

I do t k o he e that one came from, but it seems to stick around. I do not proffer advice of that sort here. This book strives to go deeper and look at how the mind works, how fear is founded and to change our fundamental conditioning in regards to fear.

In this sense, my intention is to help you learn how to approach fear and to learn to process it in a fundamentally different fashion.

When fear is manageable, action becomes easier. I believe that: As fear recedes, confidence fills the void.

I also provide exercises and activities that will build confidence progressively. How fast you do so is largely up to you and how far you stretch your comfort zone, but everyone will gain the benefit of permanent increased confidence and selfesteem.

www.richerself.com

4

CONFIDENCE

PART I: WHAT IS FEAR? Fears are othi g

ore tha a state of

i d.

Napoleon Hill

www.richerself.com

5

CONFIDENCE

Definition There are a multitude of fears and it is not possible to cover the gamut of them. In this context I am dealing with common fears that take various forms that keep us from taking a specific action.

It may be a fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of not knowing enough, fear or being a phony, a fear of public speaking or any other limitation that we allow, even unknowingly.

Fear in its simplest sense is ou i d s pe eptio of a perceived threat.

Biologically, it is a complex reaction within our nervous system. There is a relational component, in that we react based on a reference point in our mind.

For example, if you are out for a walk and hear a rustling in the bushes, you likely will attribute it to the wind, or a small animal. If you are in the jungle, that rustling may represent something else entirely. The context is important. We attribute meaning to a situation or event.

Our reaction will be to freeze, analyze the situation, then flee or fight depending on the circumstances. Adrenaline and cortisol are released, preparing us for flight or fight.

Fear is a chemical process in the brain, and a part of our primal nature. It can be difficult to control when it happens, but ultimately how we interpret a situation will make a big difference in the fear response.

Perception is Everything We all have experienced this process so you know what it feels like, and it s unpleasant.

www.richerself.com

6

CONFIDENCE

All of this is great if we spot a lion on the prowl; not so much when we need to get up in front of an audience and give a speech.

Fear is a survival instinct, but we are far from the Savannah. We are faced with more cognitive fears today and less threats to our physical being. In this context, we are address fears such as the fear of the possibility our business failing, or giving a speech and forgetting what to say, or of being inadequate or even being embarrassed.

Fear in these instances are nothing but a perception. They are thoughts about possibilities that may never happen.

Maybe we think we have good reason to be afraid, such as having suffered failure p e iousl , fo e a ple. If so, ou a e af aid to fail agai , so ou do t t again.

Because of our experiences and the programming we have received over the course of our lives, our minds are conditioned to potential threats. This changes us, makes us hesitant, and guides us to safer waters so we take less risk. The result is that we live life less than optimally to pursue and achieve our dreams.

Our confidence is shaken, we question ourselves, and we justify alternate courses of action to avoid what we fear.

We may not know why we have the fears we have. Worse, we may not be aware we are afraid. How often is living comfortably, within our comfort zones, in fact a result of avoiding fear or discomfort? Complacency can be another word for fear.

What is the solution to the problem of fea ? It s ot to a oid it, or to overcome it, but to change our thinking about the cause(s) of it. Instead of fear controlling us, we take back that control.

www.richerself.com

7

CONFIDENCE

Before getting into the processes, imagine for a moment what life would be like without fear. Take some time to think about that and what that would mean for you. ➢ Why do you want to overcome your fear? ➢ What would you believe was possible without it? ➢ What dreams have you had that you have given up on?

Fear is a visceral reaction based on cognitive programming; it is what we allow our brains to perceive, even unknowingly.

The fact that we have fear is not important, but how we deal with it.

Addressing fear starts with naming it, just acknowledging what it is. Confronting it gives us power. However, that is only part of it.

Because fear is rooted in perception, we need to be aware of our thoughts. We not only need to look at fear itself, but also why we fear and where our thoughts originate from.

For example, suppose ou do t like ou jo a d a t to o k fo ou self, ut have not been able to make that leap. Reasons for this inaction could be a variety of things.

Perhaps your parents tried starting a business and failed. Perhaps you have been programmed to believe that most businesses fail. Perhaps you believe that business owners must be ruthless or step on people to make their way to success.

Pe haps ou elie e that o e is the oot of all e il o ou elie e ou a e t smart enough.

www.richerself.com

8

CONFIDENCE

Fear manifests in many forms. This is why we cannot trust what we believe, but need to question our assumptions to be sure we are acting from intention, rather than fear, or inaction due to fear.

To achieve success and effectively control our fear, we need to define: ➢ What drives us ➢ Why we fear ➢ Why we want to get beyond it Knowing what your values are and the deep reason why you want to take a given action, is the knowledge that will be the foundation for motivation and confidence.

Form a clear vision of what your end goal is. Be honest with yourself. Do t a ept the assumptions that have driven you. Be sure what drives you comes from your values, your dreams and your Purpose.

Though fear may have a physiological component, it ultimately comes from perception. By conditioning ourselves to approach and process fear with a different mindset, you can begin to control it.

EXERCISE 1: Think of one fear you have. It may be small, but it may be deep seated. ➢ How does it impact your life? ➢ What is possible without it? ➢ What may be the root cause?

If you can, find the cause behind the cause.

www.richerself.com

9

CONFIDENCE

PART II: DEFINING YOUR FEAR I ha e lots of thi gs to pro e to

self. O e is that I a li e

life fearlessl .

Oprah Winfrey.

www.richerself.com

10

CONFIDENCE

Although there is a physiological component that we feel when we are afraid, that data has to be interpreted by the brain to determine if there is reason for a fear response. For example, being 5 feet away from a lion in the wild may be cause for alarm. Being 5 feet away behind glass at the zoo, probably not. The reference being the glass and the comprehension of what that glass provides (safety), prevents the fear response.

Because our mind works this way (perception), we can use our mind to change how it responds to a specific fear. In order to do so, we first need to understand what our fears are and why we want to change them.

Just defining our fear, and defining a life without fear may not seem like a methodology to overcome it, but it is a crucial one. We have to call our fear out and confront it, but also identify what we are missing out on. Bringing our fear into the light is empowering, and the first step towards change.

Defining Your Fear The first task to undertake is to start by defining, what your fear is, in detail. A key point to note is that you may know what your fear is, but not necessarily know WHY you have this fear. I will address the WHY later.

This process is going to require you to write, and not just read. Through the process of examining and writing, you will begin to gain insight and clarity on what your fear is and what it represents to you.

Some of your more poignant thoughts are probably dominating your thought processes, blocking the more subtle thoughts you have. As you get the more dominant thoughts out on the page, the less intense will come to the fore. These may even be more important, but have been hidden, repressed or just drowned out. We need to get to them in order to have ultimate control.

www.richerself.com

11

CONFIDENCE

I ill list se e al uestio s ith e a ples to o side he a s e i g. Do t just limit your responses to the points or questions I pose. Include any and all thoughts that come to mind for each question. Do t judge, e-write or edit.

Brainstorm and get your thoughts out in writing.

EXERCISE 2a: ➢

What is your fear?

➢

How does this fear make you feel?

➢

How is this fear impacting your life?

➢

What is the absolute worst-case scenario if your fear came true?

These questions are only to get you started. Feel free to write anything related to your fear that comes to mind. Make your mind sweat a bit. If the thoughts are coming easy, take more time until you have everything out on the page.

We will use this information later as we delve deeper into the process.

Defining Your Dreams I use the o d d ea s he e, ut it ould e su stituted fo passion, purpose, or core values. This is where we define why we want to overcome fear. Knowing where we are is important, but also where we want to get to. This will give us energy and empower us to push through the fear.

Do you have vision in your mind of how you would like your life to be? Do you daydream about it? If ou feel like the e is o e to life, hat does that o e look like?

We want to get to the values that are important to you and what sort of legacy you want for your life.

www.richerself.com

12

CONFIDENCE

By going through this exercise, we will explore what is most important to you and what would really make your life spectacular.

Defining what we want will imprint a goal in our minds that our brain can work on, both consciously and unconsciously. Getting clear will help us not only stay motivated, but begin to see the steps it will take to make it a reality.

As you go through this exercise, think BIG. I mean HUGE. Nothing should be allowed to limit your dreams. Assume for this exercise that anything you need to make them happen, you have. If you need money, knowledge, experience, time, talent etc., assume you have it.

It is critical that you are open to dream, just as you needed to be honest when defining your fear.

Your dreams are yours. Have BOLD ones!

EXERCISE 2b: We have introduced a couple of the questions below already, but here they are again, with a few others to get you started: ➢ What Do You Want in Life? ➢ What are you passionate about? ➢ What would your daily life, work and relationships look like without fear? ➢ What do you want to accomplish? ➢ Why are these things important to you? ➢ What are your core values? ➢ What do you want to do, but are being held back by fear?

www.richerself.com

13

CONFIDENCE

Again, as in defining your fear, these are just questions to get you started. Write as much as you can, freely and without judgement.

Getti g lea he e is like putti g a photo of a ea h o the ef ige ato . It s a reminder of what it is you are working towards.

In fact, regardless of whether you are aware of fear or not, this process is exceedingly beneficial in general. It will serve to clarify not only what you want, but also highlight where you are in relation to it. Are you close to your dreams, or are you a long way off?

Motivation that comes through purpose can provide a lot of energy to keep the momentum going in the right direction. That direction should be a better life, no matter where you are starting from!

Your mind will pursue whatever thought it is presented with. If you spend your mental energy thinking about fear, your mind will be really effective at thinking of all the ways to maximize that fear and all the reasons it is legitimate. If it is negative, it will find ways to justify being negative.

This is a powerful concept. If you think and focus on what is positive, it will be equally productive at finding ways to be positive and to make those things happen. This is what we are doing here.

www.richerself.com

14

CONFIDENCE

PART III: SHIFTING YOUR THINKING I ust ot fear. Fear is the i d-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has go e there ill e othi g. O l I ill re ai .

Frank Herbert, Dune

www.richerself.com

15

CONFIDENCE

Part I defined what fear is in general and why we are going through this process.

In Part II, you defined what your fear is, and defined what life you want to have.

Hopefully you have done both of these in great detail. I will state again, fear is a limiting belief. This process can be used to overcome any limiting belief, not just that of fear.

Part 3 shifts to the fundamentals of our thought process and how we can bring about fundamental change.

You Are Not Your Fear Fea is the od s espo se to a pe ei ed – an imagined – threat, not an actual threat. However, fear may feel all pervasive, as if it runs through every cell in your body. In this sense, the fear response is very real, regardless of the basis.

The importa t o ept he e is that ou a e ot i he e tl fea ful. It does t define who you are. Fear is a conditioned response.

The following concept may be helpful: Conditioning -> Beliefs - > Thoughts -> Actions -> Results If we want different results in our lives, we need to go all the way back to our conditioning.

I often have feared failure. I thought of the humiliation I might feel, that those people that dis ou aged e a so eho e ight. I ould feel like a lose . It s amazing that as a grown adult, I still have some of those same fears, from time to ti e, that I e had si e a hild! I ea ted this a due to o ditio i g. I sa ea t e ause it as e o d o s ious thought.

www.richerself.com

16

CONFIDENCE

Fear is an essential function and we would not want to be without it entirely, we just want to maintain the ability to assess risk and take intentional and reasoned actions. I will delve more in depth into how memories are created and how we a e- isio the later in this section.

Our fears may be conditioned, but most of the typical fears we have today are modern fears. Cave men had fears, but being embarrassed over a failed business e tu e p o a l as t o e of the . Would the fea gi i g a spee h to a la ge o d? I do t thi k so!

First, we are going to approach fear as if it were something outside of ourselves.

We will also look at how to reshape our thinking and to employ methods to address our fear.

Once we have done that, we will move to re-vision (re-program) prior memories or negative thought processes.

Encapsulating Your Fear When I say that you are not your fear, what I mean is that fear is a conditioned response rather than a reasoned response. Of course there is a physical and chemical component, but it is a construct of our minds. What I want you to do here is to shift your mental thinking to fear as a separate entity from yourself, as if it were an independent thing. If it helps to think of it as another person, whether clearly defined or a vague concept, that is fine.

This concept may be foreign to you, but it can provide profound results. I love the quote at the beginning of the post. It both acknowledges the existence of fear, ut it is sepa ate f o the self. It also sho s that e a let it pass, that it does t control us.

By taking control of our thinking about our specific fear, it becomes much easier to confront when we acknowledge and define it.

www.richerself.com

17

CONFIDENCE

You are empowering yourself and taking charge of your life and actions, and not letting fear make decisions for you.

The exercise below will help you to do this process concretely. It continues the process of defining our fear, but also transitions into taking control back.

No , let s shift ou thi ki g.

EXERCISE 3: To put fear in its context, think of what your fear represents.

What Does Fear Look Like?

Look at fear as something outside of yourself, as a separate being or entity. What does it look like? Does it have form, or is there someone that comes to mind that encapsulates that fear? Describe what it looks like in detail.

Write a Letter to Fear This part of the exercise is an important one and will have a major contribution to the total process. It may also be deeply personal and emotional. Be sure when doing this that you have the privacy and time to engage it fully and openly.

Now that you have described fear outside of you, what do you want to say to it?

This is the opportunity to let your thoughts and emotions run free. What does that entity represent to you? This may sound a bit strange, but I have seen this process work with grief in counseling groups in a very profound way. Fear has taken away something from you, so it is appropriate to confront it in a concrete manner. Express yourself fully.

www.richerself.com

18

CONFIDENCE

PART IV: REDEFINING YOUR MEMORIES

No

e or is e er alo e; it s at the e d of a trail of memories, a dozen trails that ea h ha e their o asso iatio s.

Louis L A our

www.richerself.com

19

CONFIDENCE

Now we start taking the bull by the horns. You have defined your fear, where it comes from, and shifted your thinking about it. In the last exercise, you went after your fear and gave it a piece of your mind!

We are crossing a bridge between addressing fear and beginning to build confidence. Remember this: Whe fea e edes, o fide e fills the oid.

Now that we have confronted our fear and defined it separate from ourselves, we will diminish it even further by redefining the memory of where our fear comes from. Because belief comes from our conditioning, we can change our beliefs by changing our conditioning.

I refer to a memory as being the source of our fear, such as a specific event, but it could also be a perception of a potential result. For example, most people fear public speaking. This fear often does not originate from any experience, but from an imagined negative outcome. It may be difficult to identify any precise piece of advice or influence that led you to feel that way, other than it is one of the primary fears most people have. If other people fear it, there must be something to fear, right? Not true.

Even without a prior memory, you can still have a thought, an image, of what that fea ep ese ts. This is he e e ill edefi e, o e- isio ou thoughts term).

How Memories Work Traditional scientific theory holds that long term memories are consolidated, much like ink on the page. Once the ink is dry, those words are difficult to change.

Keep in mind, physical injury and impacts of disease are not considered here.

www.richerself.com

20

CONFIDENCE

Research is beginning to question this hypothesis. Memory is more malleable than once thought.

For example, when you experience an event, then recall it for the first time, you have already interpreted the event in your mind. As you continue to recall that e o o e ti e, ou a e t e alli g the i itial e pe ie e, ut the p e ious e o . It s o st et h of the i agi atio that ou deepl held programming is at work interpreting any experience, thought, or memory we have, potentially altering it each time it is recalled.

There is a scientific basis for the process of recalling memories in an intentional way can allow us to re-interpret the past. You can apply this process to any memory, even a potential outcome, such as irrational fear.

The importance is not to find that our memory is incorrect, but understand how we process that memory and the meaning we prescribe to it. If our thoughts, beliefs and feelings have been altered by the filters of our conditioning, we need to apply new filters to shift that meaning. By doing this, we control our pattern of thought.

In essence, we are self-conditioning.

Process Through the application of new filters, we use our cognitive processes to diminish prior meaning to memories and establish new meaning. Doing this, we change our thoughts, feelings and beliefs – and therefore our actions. Remember: actions determine our results.

What as o e a a ie to a tio o t e, a d/o ill e edu ed to a manageable level. We have an alternate basis to form a belief and to take action that was not possible previously.

www.richerself.com

21

CONFIDENCE

I learned this process by having to deal with my own emotional events. I recall a particularly difficult event when I had a boss berate me fairly brutally, at least in i d. It did t atte that I dese ed it I did dese e to e alled out, just ot in this fashion), but I was also at a fragile point in my life. The combination was devastating to me on a deep personal level.

I struggled with this by replaying it in my mind over and over, each time feeling worse. I would even try to reason through it, but my mind made it even more p ofou dl distu i g. It as a e d of the o ld so t of d a a fo e. I esse e, I ould t deal ith it o st u ti el .

Looking back, the experience still irks me, but I have long since dealt with that memory through the process I am about to describe. Unfortunately, I cannot pinpoint whom I learned this from and have been unable to do so. Still, I have used this repeatedly and it has worked wonders for me.

In fact, just by having practiced this methodology previously, new situations that are dramati do t affe t e as u h. This is e ause I u de sta d the p o ess, so i d does t i te p et the e e t i uite the sa e a as it ould ha e had I ot had this tool. That s ho e-conditioning works.

Although this methodology was applied in my case not to fear, but to a traumatic event, it was still a negative memory that influenced my decisions and sense of self-worth in a negative way. You can apply this to any memory or thought process you want to redefine.

EXERCISE 4: Crazy Making Yes, I know the term sounds, well, crazy. It is, a d it ill e fo ou as ell. That s not to say this is not serious; it is very serious. In fact, crazy is what we want.

www.richerself.com

22

CONFIDENCE

What we will be doing is taking a fear or memory (old conditioning) and replacing it with a redefined or new memory (new conditioning).

There is a shift between these two steps where your thought process will change.

What you will be left with is a re-visioned memory or thought.

It s u h like appl i g a filte o a le s. The o igi al s e e is still there, but it appears differently and makes a different impact, imparts a different meaning.

Step 1: Envision the event or situation that causes fear In this step, you will need to recall the situation in as much vivid detail that you can, using all you se ses. We a e t t i g to a o plish a thi g othe tha get very clear on every detail.

It could be uncomfortable, but that is why we are doing this.

Really feel it. ➢ What you were seeing? ➢ What you were wearing? ➢ What time of day was it? ➢ How bright/dark was it? ➢ Is it in a room or outside? ➢ What can you hear? ➢ What did you feel? ➢ What did you do/say/think? ➢ What peripheral details do you remember? Trees, buildings, books on the shelf, the desk, carpet, size of the environment, presence of other people etc.

www.richerself.com

23

CONFIDENCE

Step 2: Change the details This is where it gets crazy. For each of the details you recalled above, change the nature of the detail. For example, I pictured the person speaking in a high-pitched voice, changed the color of the room to pink, played the Benny Hill Theme in my head as he spoke, etc. Understand now why I call this crazy?

You can even step outside of yourself and look at the scene from a distance, separating yourself even more from the situation.

It is imperative not to apply negative images here! Do not take this opportunity to berate the person back (in my case for example), or hit them or do other negative actions on your part. Keep it crazy and keep it silly. After all, we are trying to get to a positive place.

When we focus on the negative, we naturally amplify each of the details. In my ase, the pe so p o a l as t as ha sh i ealit , ut i d tu ed up the harshness in my memory. By changing the details to something less threatening, or crazy, it lessens the severity of that thought or emotion.

The greater the detail and the more you use your brain to imagine a ridiculous s e a io, the ette . The o e out-the e the e s e e is, the o e likel it ill be remembered. In the future, when you recall this memory, the new images will also e e alled, as a filte o e the old e o . You o t e a le to sepa ate the two.

Over time, every recollection will have the new filter applied, constantly altering the thought process, undermining its impact.

When I think back on my memory, all I remember is the silly scenario I imagined.

Of course, a filter is just a filter, I still see the original scenario; it just looks different, less powerful, and less emotional. It has less grip on me.

www.richerself.com

24

CONFIDENCE

This process will work for you as well, if you give it time. You may experience a quick and profound impact, or you may need to apply this over time. Regardless, recalling a memory provides us the opportunity to alter it. Keep altering it and it will continue to change, and have less control over you.

As the intensity of the event or memory lessens, you will be able to move past it, and your confidence will grow.

Additional Thoughts Now that we have undergone some deep thinking and analysis, we will now shift to a more external approach. We can change how we think, but we also need to work on the confidence side of the equation. We lessened the burden of fear, and as we continue to do so, we ramp up our confidence building skills.

We turn away now from confronting fear and turn our sights squarely on how we build confidence. Part V will introduce exercises that will expand your comfort zone.

Take a deep breath and relax, we have come a long way and covered some seriously deep topics. Thinking about unpleasant concepts is exhausting, but you have held in there and gained new tools. We have delved into the depths, now we re-emerge back into the light.

www.richerself.com

25

CONFIDENCE

PART V: BUILDING YOUR CONFIDENCE You gai stre gth, ourage, a d o fide e e er e perie e i hi h ou really stop to look fear i the fa e. You are a le to sa to ourself, I li ed through this horror. I a take the e t thi g that o es alo g.'

Eleanor Roosevelt

www.richerself.com

26

CONFIDENCE

I believe strongly that learning to overcome fear also requires building confidence. If you lack confidence, overcoming fear will be less impactful. My approach since the beginning is not to just simply provide methodologies to face fear, but to fundamentally change how we process fear and grow confidence.

The ultimate prize is to embody the lessons and create a fundamental change from within.

There are a lot of methodologies that can be applied, but I want you to think in terms of changing your conditioning.

Conditioning -> Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results If you consider this process, if we only employ methodologies (actions) when we are facing a fearful situation, we are treating the symptom but not the cause. The previous four Parts were developed to help you change your base conditioning to be less affected by fear.

In this Part, I diverge a bit from the previous format. The exercises here will be more action oriented.

You will be guided through a process to develop confidence that is the counter to fear. I cover: ➢ What confidence represents to you ➢ What confidence looks like ➢ What confidence feels like ➢ What actions you can take to build confidence

www.richerself.com

27

CONFIDENCE

What Does Confidence Represent to You? I was listening to Richie Norton be interviewed on the Discovering Dad Podcast episode, Crushing Fear with Richie Norton.

I highl e o e d liste i g to it, ‘i hie s story is extremely profound. One o e t he akes ega di g fea is ight o the e page, People su essfull o e o e fea he the h ehi d hat the e af aid of is igge tha the fea itself.

This quote resonated to me because I have been writing on fear, and it aligned with the message I am trying to get across. When you define what it is you want, hat ou o e alues a e a d hat ou a e t i g to a o plish the Wh , it provides the motivation behind taking action to get past the fear.

When I ask what confidence represents to you, think about the reasons you want confidence. Find your Why. Is there an accomplishment you want to achieve?

Why is that important to you personally? Do you want to grow and take on activities that are a bit scary? Do you have a Purpose you want to follow?

This could be anything, and it will be specific to you. If you have gone through the prior exercises, you should have a good sense of what it is that is driving you to get past your fear.

This question is a mental exercise, but it gets to our basic drive and values.

What Does Confidence Look Like to You? This question is not existential, but visual. In a literal sense, when you think of being confident, what does it look like? The next stage in building confidence is knowing it when you see it.

www.richerself.com

28

CONFIDENCE

I ll age that the o e t ou ead that uestio , ou al ead had ideas o e to mind of what confidence looks like.

Typical images are a firm handshake when meeting someone, standing up straight and not slouching, having the chin up and making eye contact with people.

Perhaps also it means the comfort and ability to initiate conversations or clearly express your position on an issue. I even think how a person walks. How they carry themselves is a major part of it.

People make quick judgments when they meet someone new, and body language plays a large role in that.

Amy Cuddy is an associate professor at Harvard Business School and a social psychologist. In her TED talk, Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are, she talks about Power Posing.

She believes that how we stand can physically change our confidence levels, by increasing testosterone and decreasing cortisol. Just by standing in a power pose for two minutes prior to an interview, for example, can change your confidence, ho ou p oje t ou self, a d ho ou lea e a o fide t i p essio i people s minds.

I su e ou a all to i d people ou k o that p oje t o fide e, and those that project meekness or fear.

Define the image in your mind of what confidence looks like to you, so that you can practice and model those behaviors. If you want to build confidence, have a clear image of what it is.

www.richerself.com

29

CONFIDENCE

What Does Confidence Feel Like to You? On an emotional level, what does confidence feel like? If you felt confident, would you feel more comfortable in social situations, for example? Would you feel powerful, like you could take on anything?

These are some of what it feels like to me. I also think of being eager and being less anxious. Being able to network without hesitation. This will also be different fo e e o e, ut this o es f o ithi . This is t a thought o a isio , ut a feeli g. I su e ou ha e had o e ts he ou have felt confident.

If you want to build confidence, it helps to be able to resonate with it on an emotional level. This helps to embody confidence and make it part of you. When we move on to the actions below, keep this feeling in mind.

Take a few moments to recall a time when you have been confident, or focus on how you perceive confidence to be. Focus on the feeling.

Actions to Build Confidence This is where it all comes together. To build a habit or gain proficiency at something, you have to practice. Getting the mind right is important, but now we move to the specific actions that you can use to help you build confidence.

I all these last e e ises a ti ities require more than thought.

e ause the a e a tio o ie ted, a d the

Each of these are examples and suggestions, but feel free to develop a set of exercises that work for you. Each of us has a different fear and different confidence levels depending on the situation.

It requires honesty. Taking bold actions will bring bold results. Hesitation or hedging will reduce the power of these activities. www.richerself.com

30

CONFIDENCE

These a e t ho e dous hopefull , ut a p og essi e p o ess to uild confidence gradually. The basis of this system is a belief that if we only live within our comfort zone, we never really give ourselves the opportunity to grow.

Stepping out of our comfort zone, even a bit, helps to expand it.

Activity #1: Act it out For this activity, start small. Go back to the question of what confidence looks like to you and practice the body language of confidence. Walk around the house if you need to. Stand straight, walk with purpose. You can even practice making eye contact with yourself in a mirror, or walking up to yourself to shake hands.

Yes, it may feel silly at first, but this helps to cement the actions in your mind so they can be reproduced. Go through various scenarios and visualize what actions you would take. For example, if you were to go to a networking event and that makes you uncomfortable, visualize walking up to people and introducing yourself. Go through each action, from the approach, reaching out to firmly shake their hand, and making eye contact while you give them your name, etc.

This p o ess a help ou p epa e ahead of ti e so ou a e t given situation.

i gi g it i a

Activity #2: Get out Take what you visualized in #1 and get out of the house. Use what you have p a ti ed i a situatio o l slightl i ti idati g. Ma e ou a e t o fo ta le with small talk. You could walk into Starbucks in a confident manner and make eye contact while you give your order. Even a couple of seconds is enough (you do t a t to sta e the do ! . Ask a si ple uestio , o o e t o ho busy/not busy it is. Initiate a conversation with someone in line. Anything.

This may not be ou thi g, agai desig these steps fo ou spe ifi situatio . I ll get into more why these help overall, and not just for a specific fear later.

www.richerself.com

31

CONFIDENCE

If ou a e g ega ious a d this does t e pa d ou find a way so that it does.

o fo t zo e, a p it up a d

The important thing is to find a relatively minor way you can start pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone. Be creative and approach it with a sense of fun.

Doing this repeatedly and building a daily habit of continually pushing yourself slightly will ever increase your comfort zone and confidence. Over time, you can take on larger challenges Activity #3: The 10% I have to give credit to Noah Kagan for this one. He suggests a way to build confidence by asking for 10% off when purchasing something. For example, go a k to “ta u ks I pi ki g o the a d he ou o de offee, ask fo a % dis ou t. Do t gi e a e pla atio , just ask if ou a ha e % off. “ou d easy?

This a sou d eas , ut it s su p isi gl halle gi g. We a e t a usto ed to this, ut it is ofte effe ti e. Of ou se ou do t ha e to do this spe ifi halle ge (remember you can design your own), but it may be good to start here. Once you get a feel for how this pushes out your comfort zone, you can find other ways to do so.

Noah also uses the high-five challenge, where you high-five random people you pass o the st eet. Most people go fo it, a d ou do t e e ha e to stop walking. This is fun and it also gets most people out of their comfort zone.

Either of these or any other exercise you want to do that challenges you moderately is enough. Remember, if you want to build confidence, you have to practice it. The first two were easy, this steps up your game a bit.

www.richerself.com

32

CONFIDENCE

Other ideas are: ➢ Email a thought leader or person well known in your niche or field. Reach out and express your appreciation or make a thoughtful comment on a work they have done ➢ Ask someone out for coffee. You may find a person in a LinkedIn network in your industry, or a social group ➢ Go to a Meetup in a topic area you enjoy ➢ Join Toastmasters

Activity #4: The Stretch This is the ig o e. You do t eed to do this epeatedl , ut o l o asio all .

This is a big one in building confidence, because it stretches you the most. In fact, it s alled The Stretch.

Take the fear that you have identified and go and do it. This one is very individualized because it will be different for everyone. The idea is that going into it, ou k o it s a o e-and-do e situatio . You do t ha e to epeat it.

It should be challenging. By stretching yourself out as far as you can, you will make a big gain in confidence. You will also gain a sense of accomplishment by facing your fear.

Some people have gone to the mall and walked around with a bit of tissue paper hanging out the back of their pants. This would be terribly embarrassing for most of us, ut he it s i te tio al, it a e e e fu .

www.richerself.com

33

CONFIDENCE

Final Thoughts Belie e i ourself! Ha e faith i our a ilities! Without a hu le ut reasonable o fide e i our o po ers ou a ot e su essful or happ .

Norman Vincent Peale You have done it, and I hope you are changed for the better for having done these exercises. I want to leave you with a few final comments.

Building confidence in one area will translate to confidence in other areas. You will begin to embody confidence through these exercises. Keep repeating them and pushing your comfort zone further and further out.

As your comfort zone expands, doors will open and opportunities will become apparent. You will continue to change as you practice these principles regularly.

They have worked wonders for me over the years.

Cha ge does t al a s o e easil o ui kl , ut if ou spe t ti e defi i g hat you really want to get out of life, the rewards are worth the effort. If you still struggle, look deeper to see if there is a deeper fear or conditioned thought that needs to be addressed.

The point is that better results come from better actions. The decisions you make will determine your outcome. Life is too precious to not live it fully and have it return back to you the rewards you deserve.

My final comment is that you are worth it, your dreams are worth it. You are not your fear. Your Why is big enough to get through anything that limits your belief or actions toward following your Purpose.

Be strong, be confident and more than anything else: Be Awesome!

www.richerself.com

34

CONFIDENCE

*** I hope this ebook has been helpful to you. I ask that if any of this has resonated with you, or even if it has t, please reach out and let me know. It is important to me to get feedback so I can refine the processes to provide more value to people.

Visit www.richerself.com to join the newsletter and to contact me.

www.richerself.com

35