February 2023 Special Needs Living Akron/Canton

RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD. Finding time for relationships while caring for someone with a disability.

BY DR. KRISTINE TURKO, BCBA, COBA

It’s February, and love is in the air! Couples eagerly search for the most romantic way to celebrate their relationship as Valentine’s Day nears. This is a fun practice for some, daunting for others, but regardless of which group you fall into, you cannot escape the fact that planning takes time. Time is a luxury that parents of children with disabilities don’t have. So what happens to their Valentine’s plans, or any relationship plans?

LOVE IS IN THE AIR, ALONG WITH SOME DESPAIR.

Relationships are hard. While the divorce rate in the U.S. is on the decline, 2.3 in 1,000 people are divorced (CDC, 2020). Research has found that the top stressors in marriage are work, lack of intimacy, and money (Psychology Today, 2018). One common denominator in all those stressors is that they require valuable time. Time is incredibly valuable to parents supporting a child with a disability. Doctor’s appointments, interventions, and therapies must be attended, all while maintaining all of the ‘normal’ responsibilities and caring for siblings and aging parents. There are only 24 hours in a day, and that’s a constant that cannot be changed, so where can we find more time? One way we can find more time is by finding support and allowing others to help tackle the tasks on our to-do list.

• Respite care provides parents with a break from caregiving. Respite provides those with disabilities opportunities to increase functionality while reducing stress as a family unit. Your family pediatrician or social worker can help find a skilled individual to provide care. Ohio’s developmental disabilities agency can also help find experienced caregivers. For more information, go to: https://dodd.ohio.gov/home/.

• Personal assistance services (PAS) help those with disabilities to do activities of daily living (ADLs), like eating, bathing, dressing and toileting. Ohio’s Department of Medicaid provides waivers to receive PAS services. To learn more about the eligibility criteria for these waivers, go to https://medicaid.ohio.gov/.

• Parent mentors provide direct help to families with a child with a disability. The mentors provide support, information and training. To learn more about parent mentors, go to https://education.ohio.gov/.

• Early intervention in Ohio provides coordinated services to children under the age of 3 with developmental delays or disabilities. A team creates and Individualizes Family Service Plan to provide support and resources. For more information about early intervention services, go to https://dodd.ohio.gov/about/.

Specific stressors related to disabilities can present unique challenges. If you’re a glass-half-full kind of person, then you can recognize that these challenges present growth opportunities. Recent research has found that growth comes in the form of developing healthy coping strategies (Young, Shakespeare-Finch, and Obst, 2020). Set small goals for you and your partner. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Remember that relationship challenges often seem amplified when caring for a child with autism, but successes are amplified as well. So, light the candles and boil some water for a box of mac and cheese. Valentine’s Day expectations don’t have to include all the ingredients of a Hallmark movie; they have to meet your expectations — whatever they may be. So, if you dream of comfort food with a glass of wine — hats off to you and Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, like autism, is unique. Embrace the differences!

Young, S. Shakespeare-Finch, J., and Obst, P. (2020). Raising a child with a disability: a oneyear qualitative investigation of parent distress and personal growth. Disability and Society, 35(4), 629-653. DOI: 10.1080/09687599.2019.1649637.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-it-together/201807/the-top-4-stressorscouples-today#:~:text=To%20sum%20up%2C%20the%20most,is%3A%20They%20 are%20all%20manageable.

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm