THE HILL

THE HILL

BY KYLIE ZEHNDER

Watching a child overcome fear is the most amazing yet heartbreaking thing to watch. You sense their anxiety, fear, and the hope that momma can protect them. Add special needs to the batch and sometimes it can be pure magic, or total defeat. It’s a complete mystery of what you will get, but a mystery is not a reason to ever stop trying. Experiencing fun, childhood and enjoyment are things that every child deserves to embrace, unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen, and that’s ok. But every once in a while, you’ll see that magic appear.

The day consisted of appointments, from one to the next. It was a change of routine and sometimes that can just be hard to handle. There was not much time for play. But snow was on the ground and there’s just something so amazing about new fluffy white snow. Something that makes the grumpiest person want to stop and have childlike wonder, the toss of a snowball or leaving your footprints on a fresh “clean” snow patch.

The whole family finished dinner and that’s when we make the choice to all dress into snow clothes, boots, hats, gloves, and scarves. We bundle up so much to the point that we all walk stiff-legged and wobble, but we know we will be warm. We load into the car and drive to the closest hill. It’s dark, its cold, but the hill is all lit up by the parking lot lights. There is no one else on the hill but you can see the tracks from previous sleds. You already know that it is going to be fun. We walk to the hill and look up. As we all look up I look down and see the fear take over. This hill is big, this hill is unknown, this hill will be an obstacle. Up we go, holding hands, holding sleds.

Getting to the top was the easy part, now we look down and the hill seems so much bigger than it did when we were at the bottom. But now is the time to face the fears. She insists on sitting with momma and we get ready. I grab my phone to turn on the video so we can record the first ride down. She hugs on to me, and then her anxiety monster comes in. Her anxiety monster screams no, telling her that he needs to protect her from this hill, that she can get hurt, and that this is not a good idea. She tells me over and over in her little voice “Mommy, I’m scared.” She sits on my lap and says “Mommy, I’m scared, stop.”. This anxiety monster has no boundaries as of when and how he will place fear in you. He will attempt to stop you at all costs. But you see, we are bigger than our monster, we are stronger than our monster, we are more!

Mommy has you, baby girl, I won’t let you get hurt. TRUST ME! I’ve got you. Down we go, and her head is leaning into my body, with my arms wrapped tight around her. I’ve got you baby girl. I hear her say “Mommy” again. I’ve got you baby girl. I cheer and scream in excitement, and she is quiet. I’ve got you baby girl. I guide my feet on the snow to help transition to an easy landing. I’ve got you baby girl. The end of the hill is approaching, and I hear her giggle. Mommy’s got you baby girl. We made it to the end, and she hops off my lap, and there it was her smile! And just like that she was off to run back up that hill. Mommy had you baby girl.

She was able to tell that monster, “not today, my mommy has me”. I will forever have you, my love.

She tackled that hill many more times. She screeched in excitement each and every time. She now has a video of the moment she was filled with fear but told that monster to back down. She can see the joy take over and magic start to happen. She was able to take that fear the anxiety monster gave her, and tell it she didn’t need protection from the hill. She was able to tell that monster that she was safe.